Tortured For Profit (Podcast)

In this week's episode, Greg gets Covid from an irresponsible idiot, and he and Matt delve into popular conspiracy theories of the modern day.

The outside world has become a big television show to Matt and Greg. They narrate another episode of Cheaters and listen to cringey voice prompts on Hinge. Matt does his finest karaoke versions of Whitney Houston and 90's one-hit wonder Lit. Have you ever given a digital rose to a computer bitch? Find out how in this week's episode!

Matt addresses his decline in social media followers and details how he found true love through a lighthearted racist remark. They discuss how they each ghosted their long-term college girlfriends and Matt temporarily takes over Greg's Hinge account.

Another year, another grim forecast for humanity. In this episode, find out how Matt almost caught the Moscow murderer in vigilante fashion. He achieves godhood and becomes a warlord for The Sperm Fingers in a post-apocalyptic world. Later, Matt spends time in heaven with Lee Scratch Perry, Adolf Hitler, John Candy, Joan Waters, and Gallagher.

Matt and Greg roast Pitchfork's third (aka the stupidly inclusive) installment of their top albums of the 90s. Greg is infurirated with quiet quitters as Matt is tempted to use a woman's weave to dust the house. They discuss the uneven virtue signaling prisoner swap with Russia to receive "Brian" Griner in exchange for the merchant of death. Who is the artist known as Twat Shivers? Could Kevin Shields have been Kid Rock if he would've just simply looked up? Find out in this week's episode!

Matt begins the episode as a time-traveling slave trading auctioneer and a sentient robot from the future. He is eager to become a private detective in Moscow, Idaho and reaffirms the need for the "Just a Crumb" initiative for incels. What did Matt do to make a teen girl cry? Does every town need their own Batman? How exactly does one get invited to the belly party? Find out in this week's episode!

In celebration of Greg's nephew's birthday, Matt encourages him to be the "cool uncle" and get the kid a prostitute for an ego boost. Matt impersonates a ghost with down syndrome, gives a stern lecture to Corn Pop from Joe Biden, and delivers controversial remarks on slavery through the lens of Black Matt. They review Greg's Tinder account, again, and Matt satirically threatens to do some heinous things while wearing an old acquaintance's skin.

This week's episode is devoted to the Jewish people. Experience a range of Matt's emotions from tearful pleas to upbeat jingles.

Matt makes a last-minute effort to campaign for PA republicans and proposes his idea to hunt a death row inmate with a bow. He wants to stalk Tom Green in a non-threatening way and has a big problem with glory hole culture. He revisits the idea of white women fucking their dogs. Black Matt reappears in spurts and challenges a group of five teenage girls to a subway brawl. Meanwhile, Greg is only interested in having fun anymore. What is appropriate attire for hefty broads? What would have happened if Mark Wahlberg was on Flight 93?

Matt and Greg watch many episodes of Cheaters before landing on an insane episode where a vampiric professional discovers his wife has been secretly fucking a balding ponytailed hippie that was plotting to assassinate former President Obama. Peter Pankey now has a hype song too. Matt gets inappropriate about rape and laments that you can't walk around wielding an illegal pistol. He challenges Hillary Clinton to one on one combat and worries that Norman Rockwell would not be able to paint this modern garbage-aesthetic America. Matt has a free-pass road rage proposition and has some questionable questions about the holocaust. He considers a honeymoon cruise where he and his wife terrorize rich people. Later, while watching a Phillies game, Matt scolds a kid for keeping a home run ball from the opposing team.

Matt wages war on the entire gay community because of the negligence of one old gay man. He introduces a new regime called The Eternal Reich (or The Fourth and Final Reich) where you'll find concentration camps full of furries. Perhaps not coincidentally, Matt also lashes out against the Jewish and cosplay communities. Meanwhile, Greg is worried that Patrick Bateman in American Psycho feels too relatable to him. Matt doesn't shy away from impersonations and improvisational tunes in this week's episode: Liam Neeson, Iron Maiden, Tuvan throat singing, Hulk Hogan's theme song, a heartfelt tribute to Armie Hammer's alleged cannibalistic tendencies, and sloppy Metallica karaoke. Matt and Greg make fun of the homoerotic no-fun straight edge hardcore scenes of the good old days and discuss liberals' sick obsession with Donald Trump. Why hasn't the Doomsday clock changed since Biden has been president? What page of Revelations are we currently living in? None of that matters, as Matt plans to recreate the white race in his image in post-apocalyptic rural Ontario. 

Matt and Greg critique the modern dogs of rural Tinder. Are black men responsible for inflating fat white women egos? Matt is eager to become a pedophile hunter and encourages people to keep their kinks behind closed doors. They remember the dead cokehead garage rocker Jay Mentally-Disabled. Greg worries about beta people being in charge and laments how boring it is to be single in Amish country. Matt jokingly tries to defend sexual harassment in the workplace as the two tackle toxic femininity. Is it true that white women engage in lewd sex acts with their dogs? Is there anything less appealing than going out for a cup of coffee? Are chess players really using vibrating anal beads to get the upper hand? Find out in this week's episode!

The boys are back and they care less about your feelings than ever before! A newly engaged Matt uses the episode as a victory lap to remind the rest of the world of their inferiority complex. Matt issues a warning to Putin and proposes a controversial boot camp called Uncle Matty's Plantation.

Greg moves back to Amish country to discover that Matt has taken a very hard right turn. In this week's episode, Matt satirically threatens muslims, Xi Jinping (again), Merrick Garland, Anthony Fauci, Bill Gates, and the Clinton Foundation. They recorded this episode while housesitting for a friend's dog that is very suspicious of Greg. Greg finds out he's riddled with disease and Matt accuses him of having monkeypox. Matt suggests he's a better singer than Roy Orbison and the two sing karaoke to Roy.  Matt offers unsolicited dating advice to Greg's 11 year old nephew. Matt finds out what a VPN and the two record a bizzare call in to Domino's.

Friends have been making memes about Matt's transphobia. Meanwhile, Greg's still trying to figure out the concept of people wearing masks in open air. Matt hints at living off the grid in the Canadian wilderness with his newfound love. The two discuss the suitcase murderer and the gas station incineration trying to decide which is the worse way to go. Greg dives deep into a reality TV show from 2011 to discuss how it foreshadowed today's pile of shit world. Being covered in tattoos was once a sign of being tough, but is it now the sign of a pussy? Will Matt name his first born F-150 or John Deere? Can Greg convince Matt to stick with his original knuckle tat idea? Greg reflects on his time in New England as it comes to an end while Matt continues to court the MyPillow guy.

This week's episode is about how Matt (aka "King of Romance") got his groove back. Matt compares Elliot Page to Greg in an oversized suit and details someone shitting themselves at the grocery store. Biker beef causes a pagan to get shot in the face behind Greg's house. Greg decides he will settle for half world peace because he forgot about the Middle East. Matt imagines Greg blowing up a rollercoaster at an amusement park if a CIA agent were to activate him. Greg thinks he'll be activated to preach the word of God. Matt wants to be drinking buddies with Brett Kavanaugh and worries that Greg slept in the same bed as his parents until adulthood. Matt challenges Xi Jinping and Elliot Page to fist fights but Greg reminds Matt that the latter fight would be considered a hate crime.

In this week's episode, Matt has a spring in his step and has discovered the root of his trans fixation. The two discuss the ominous low budget NYC nuclear PSA and the end of owning things. They find that by trying to disprove things, they are only proving themselves more correct. Greg wants to unite the world against the elites that will eventually enslave us while Matt wonders why a commercial sings sensually about diarrhea. They discuss the second hand embarrassment from friends' social media pride month posts. Greg recalls being duck-taped to the walls of his high school. Have oil companies gaslit citizens with carbon footprint mania via expensive ad campaigns? The answer to that question is yes.

Matt responds to being attacked by a "queer" friend on Facebook for innocuous free speech. Greg suggests the far left is not in favor of free speech, but rather, controlled speech. Why is Mental Health Awareness month an afterthought compared to Pride Month? They remember a time when democrats and republicans were able to joke with each other about their differences. They continue to dissect leftists' selective outrage and Greg suggests there is a silent majority of leftists that are fed up. Matt and Greg clown the 4th of July shooter for being a beta male. Matt reveals that his comfort zone is a woman screaming at him and that he is scolding-starved. In apocalypse, Matt wants to lead a hoard of dogs to feed humans to. They discuss bizarre reality TV shows that actually exist. Matt jokingly picks fights with famous street gangs and blows Greg's mind when telling him about numerology. Why do people only compare themselves to cool animals? Find out this week!

Greg has difficulty adjusting to a week without the internet. Meanwhile, Matt is concerned about South America's termite overlords. Matt petitions for government-issued crack after accusing Greg of psuedo-science for suggesting that black people have more trauma in their DNA. Greg is triggered by a yoga/wine brunch that Matt's ex has been attending. Matt reveals that he's more of an Easter Island head than a changeling and the two laugh about the January 6 committee making Trump sound like an action hero. Matt foresees Barron Trump guiding us through a utopian future. He remains pro-abortion at any age and is VERY concerned about Indian men and their apparent lack of self-control. He also clowns one of Greg's ex's that just won't leave him alone.

Who better than two white men to share their thoughts on the overturning of Roe v Wade? They discuss liberals threatening the government (pool noodles) vs. conservatives threatening the government (guns). Greg encourages socialist land owners to give their property back to native Americans.Matt has some disgusting ideas for slave labor and laments not being able to have an OnlyFans page. Matt encourages Greg to get a portrait of Jordan Peterson tattooed on his leg and is very concerned about Alexa. They discuss why black names are better than white names. Who got more pussy, Jeff Tweedy or The Game? Find out this week.

Is the Great Reset ahead of schedule? Matt and Greg surely think so. Matt's had some contentious run-ins with old women at the grocery store. They discuss woke companies overtly stating that they won't hire cis white men and discuss meritocracy vs. equity. Matt and Greg relive the ass beatings they received when they were younger. They discuss how China would have a zero-reggaeton policy if they had a Latino community. Matt makes the case for OJ Simpson to become president and wants to get the MyPillow guy back on crack. Hear about boomer patriots, Rachel Dolezal's OnlyFans page, and elephant vengeance. Could the world all agree that mutually assured destruction is a good thing that should happen immediately? Is the pride community already in charge? Does free speech still exist? Is a gay lisp inherent or a put-on? Answers to all or none of these questions are found in this week's episode.

Greg is feeling particularly aggressive in this week's episode. He and Matt have reached a point where they don't know where their characters begin or end anymore. They compare violence in the United States vs. violence in other countries and speculate whether or not China will enslave us someday. They discuss the optics of Pride month obsession while the world's on the brink of a global recession. Greg no longer believes hard work pays off and thinks the government will find a way to take guns away from American citizens in the next 5-10 years. How would Matt act if his child identified as non-binary? Is Biden the worst president ever?

In this week's episode, find out what it's really like to carry yourself with the confidence of a mediocre white guy. Matt's still interested in dating Amber Heard and partying with Johnny Depp. Matt is concerned throughout the episode about having to go the grocery store. They discuss how expensive and impossible it is to eat healthy. Matt's excited about a cigarette promo to win a trip to Santa Fe. Greg hopes Trump's return to office will accelerate the process of the world ending while dreaming of that Russian submarine capable of radiactive tsunamis. He and Matt imagine supposedly dead dictators living on an island together. Is it okay to keep someone's breasts that were chopped off in a surgery? What will the military be like when the patriarchy is dismantled? Better to go into politics or to start a church? Learn about suicide machines, suicide rollercoasters, and the embarrassment of being the second gentleman this week!

In honor of Pride Month, two straight dudes stuck in the 1980s wonder if OG gays are being phased out, which race boasts the gayest people and dissect what each new color represents on the latest rainbow flag. Matt worries about getting shot working at his convenience store that just got robbed at gunpoint by a Michael Jackson lookalike. Matt considers moonlighting as a talent scout for a local grocery store employee. Learn about Matt's heroic dreams that involve murder and a can of beans. Matt wants to catfish school shooters and ponders the legal limits on how gruesome the killing of a school shooter can be. If Greg were king, he'd ban alcohol. If Matt were king, he'd ban anime. What prompts Greg to accuse Matt of being the next Alex Jones? How long until Matt and Greg are melted down into meat paste? Self-motivate or self-immolate? Find out this week.

Greg's freaking out about the forthcoming Great Reset and explains why white men have generally been pathetic. Matt goes in on Nancy Pelosi and Bill Gates for being ancient lizard people. Greg predicts everyone will be living with their parents again by 2030, among his many grim, doom and gloom predictions in this episode. Matt wants to hoard baby formula to price gouge desperate mothers. Concern for a lounging rabbit splayed out in his backyard commands Matt's attention for the rest of the episode. Are men more productive once they are castrated? Is everyone just being psyop'd into hating each other? Hear thoughts on overweight swimsuit models, human mermaids, equal pay in sports, and the delusion of voting. Could Putin redeem himself by being more of a goof?

Matt claims to own cutlery that Hitler himself used. Greg thinks Matt would be a captivating reality TV show character. Greg wants to become the world's peace broker. The two reflect on China taking over as global superpower. Matt hilariously imagines Greg at a slam poetry open mic. How many years of life do you get back from using Just For Men? Matt determines he's the weirdest normal dude and Greg's the most normal weird dude. They discuss the empty morality of boycotting brands for political reasons. Matt compares Greg's attempted day trip to a day in the life of Zooey Deschanel. Greg compares “Dope Show”-era Marilyn Manson to a goth T Rex. Matt wants to revive the "Just a Crumb" initiative to prevent him from a killing spree. Matt hilariously imitates that horrible Barenaked Ladies hit from the 90s. At the end of the day, don't we all just want to date robots? Will Matt befriend a grizzly bear and ride its back into the woods?

Experience the devastation and letdown in real time with Greg as he processes losing his dream job. Thankfully, Matt's around to interject jokes about swastikas, Fox news anchors, Johnny Depp, Hulk Hogan, extremist groups, and abortion rights.

Matt and Greg fantasize about their own Killdozer scenarios but accept that they have no skills to construct such a machine. Matt begs for Elon Musk to re-activate his Twitter account. They assess the ongoing nuclear threat. Matt claims he can tame even the most dangerous mammals and wants to end to Amish culture. Matt's kittens wreak havoc throughout the episode as he threatens to send them on a permanent vacation. Greg wants less drugs and more vegetables, Matt wants a couple more bad habits. Matt ponders becoming a cocaine tester on Craigslist and reflects on the psychological torture he inflicted on an old dear friend. They discuss how church is vs. how it should be. Matt's Cape Verdean mystery prompts him to urge listeners to charter an expedition with him.

This week's episode explores toxic femininity, Pantera, Matt's high school volleyball heroics, the use of chopsticks, and kindergarten teachers oversharing about their personal lives. Matt gives Moldova the Cape Verde treatment and denies its existence. He thinks Greg has leukemia. Greg encourages Matt to become a digital pimp but Matt would prefer to leap the Grand Canyon in his aging Subaru Legacy. How many genders exist? Can you fuck a black hole?

Enjoy this hastily-edited belated Easter episode. Greg's in Little Hitler mode this week, eviscerating everything in his sight. Meanwhile, Matt's slipping into Goblin Mode and we're not talking about the sex position. Matt remains convinced that Cape Verde is a result of the Mandela effect. Matt's new goals include becoming king of the homeless, opening a video store in Mariupol, or becoming Kim Jong Un's hype man. What if men played in the WNBA? Where do you take a shit during the apocalypse? The answers to all your questions contained in this week's episode.

In this week's episode, the two discuss ways to decapitate people riding motorbikes and ATVs in cities. Matt taunts a landscaper and ponders if marching bands are super spreader events. After finding out about a government program giving UBI to trans people, Matt has decided to come out as non-binary. This also means he is now immune to criticism from anyone, as he lets us know. He's been trying to pray the fluidity away. He worries Putin will hire Special Kink Forces to rape women Ukrainian women with shaved heads. Matt wants to start a punk band based on Impractical Jokers and identifies most closely now with Caitlyn Jenner. He wants to run for president in 2024 on the sole platform of making Latinos quietier. He proposes banning them from Spencer's Gifts and from buying expensive car stereo equipment. He and Greg debate whether Illmatic or Enter the 36 Chambers was the defining moment in black music? Greg is sick of hearing about peoples' "journeys" and encourages Matt to get in the game. They both contemplate sanding off their genitals if it means never having to use the bathroom again. What if Britain had won the revolutionary war? Matt reveals his bucket list items and derives pleasure from watching the slow torture of civilians. Matt tries to get Greg to witness a compound fracture, but Greg wises up. Do only psychos drink milk with dinner? What's with woke white people missing out on ZZ Top?

Matt's still arguing with the far left on the internet as Greg begs the world to try harder. Matt wants to spontaneously combust and talks spontaneous ejaculation from his war fantasies. Greg is scared of the Booty Warrior but Matt would make his ass inaccessible in prison. They discuss how a friend of theirs destroyed their favorite local music venue and how identity politics are a grave danger to our society. They worry about America becoming weaker and the optics of the United States circus to the rest of the world. What did Putin say to make Matt and Greg laugh? Matt has interest in body modification when he gets to his 50s. Greg wants to wear suits on hikes. Matt encourages Greg to become a more aggressive driver again and has strong thoughts on Britney Griner's fate. Matt doesn't feel guilty eating Chick-Fil-A now that he saw a flamboyant queer working there. Learn about the new gender fluid chip mandated by Disney World. Greg has strong feelings about the artist Pitbull but goes out of his way to respect Kid Rock. They recall a legendary promotional video that Matt directed for a farm where mennonites were performing homoerotic acts. Whole Foods rejected the video with disgust.

Matt's in a particularly violent mood in this week's episode, like his random urge to stab a woman in the face a grocery store during an apocalypse. He wants to commit war crimes for Zelensky and wishes death on anyone that sleeps with his ex. An allargy attack in his eyes begins to take over the episode. What is the source of this allergy attack? Wi-fi beams? His anger? His cats? Matt does not believe Cape Verde exists and blames the Mandela effect. He proposes becoming Ron Lime, the white heteresexual counterpart to Don Lemon. Are female artists grifters? This week's episode may provide insight.

Matt is still upset over the trans swimmer and he wants to have a sit down debate with her on Fox News. He confronts a homeless man and wishes for a suicide by cop while listening to "Freebird". We can rest safely knowing that he would abuse his child if they were to ever identify as a flamingo. Matt and Greg regret not just becoming normal dudes in their 20s. Matt lusts after Fox News anchors throughout the episode and the two discuss their collective hatred for Rachel Maddow and her ilk. They debate whether or not they would get another booster shot and are justifiably bummed that the end of civilization has so far been an empty threat. Greg predicts Matt will end up dating a trans person. Instead, Matt thinks they should each get mail order brides from Ukraine. Can therapists be replaced by Impractical Jokers? Find out in this week's episode.

This week's episode sees the return of Black Matt. He and Greg yearn for nuclear war and are disappointed it hasn't happened yet. Matt's been taking patriotic shits ever since starting a multi-vitamin. Ben Simmons gets compared to Putin. They contemplate what's on the other side of death and which areas would be targeted in the US in the event of nuclear attack? The two are baffled that they keep getting scowled at for merely existing. Matt thinks the television show Impractical Jokers has kept Putin from being rooted in reality. Matt still has eyes for the Victora's Secret model with Downs Syndrome. He wants to start walking around with his grandpa's canes for no reason. The two are conflicted about Larry David appearing in a crypocurrency commerical. Learn about C-bagging, a hip new trend no one's talking about yet. Are rats God's most underrated creatures? Only one way to find out.

Matt and Greg taunt and dare Putin to bomb their respective geographical regions to ensure certain death. Matt has divided all Asians into two categories: math or sex. He also defends the use of the word negro(w) and applies a positive new meaning to it. Matt teaches Greg about Lady G and his ladybugs. Could Mark Wahlberg have prevented 9/11? Are Putin and his inner circle really just eco-terrorists that want to rebuild a verdant paradise? Is a lesbian time traveler somehow involved?

In this week's episode, Matt and Greg view the war in Ukraine through the mainstream media lens. Matt's convinced he and Putin got into an internet argument on Reddit. Matt and Greg try to justify not keeping in touch with friends. Matt has a crush on AOC but Greg worries that she'll scold him during sex. Matt makes the case that a teenage boy hooking up with a teacher is a self-esteem boost. Matt tries convincing Greg that he was molested by his mentors as a youth. Greg urges less self-expression from society after Matt tells him of a nurse that identifies as a mermaid. Do real patriotic men have dirty butts? Matt sure thinks so.

The boys have missed their meds and you can tell in this week's scathing review of society. They reflect on the imminent attack on Ukraine, welcoming fit women ages 18-25 to come to safety in America. Matt is envious of Putin and proposes turning the White House into Castle Grayskull. Matt wants to date the new Victoria's Secret model that has downs syndrome and to live a happy blissful petting zoo life with her. Matt tries to convince Greg that one of their high school teachers was trying to hit on him through Christ. Find out why Greg doesn't entertain the idea of friend groups anymore. Doesn't matter if you're a fine artist or Miyam Bialik: everyone gets eviscerated in this week's episode.

Greg compares his nose-blowing to all-time great jazz musicians. As Greg continues to get richer, Matt wants to gain access to secret societies. The two debate yelling vs. remaining calm in the middle of an argument and whether or not it's okay to call a woman a bitch. Matt wants run a sweat shop or be a boss so he can have people to yell at. Learn about Matt's wigger wars from high school. Do humans taste more like chicken or steak? Find out the answer to this completely sane question in this week's episode!

Matt gets sad in advance of Valentine's Day as Greg realizes he hasn't really wanted to date any of his last 10 girlfriends. Greg thinks all he and Matt need is more fun. Matt wishes there was still white privilege because he thinks they both missed out on that. Matt's developed a nocturnal feeding pattern and proposes switching Mental Health Awareness month to February. Greg finally earns a little respect for Drake thanks to a story Matt tells about him. Matt tries to shame Greg for ordering delivery food in an ice storm. Greg's concerns are with socialists and people looking for handouts. Matt attempts to make "gender solid" a popular hashtag and the two reflect on each others' record-buying habits from 15 years ago. Matt and Greg ultimately decide after 150 episodes that they would like elective Down's Syndrome, if such a thing existed. Matt launches an investigative report into Penthouse's fixation on pissing in their porno mags from the 90s.

In this episode, Matt and Greg discuss Internet bullying and Greg encourages Matt to become a preacher. Greg busts Matt for sneaking an "n" word into the last episode and talks shit on Rhhode Island before concluding he'd be unhappy anywhere. Hear about the range of crimes Matt would've committed without access to weed. Greg has a gripe with the amount of cheese they put on his tacos at Chipotle. Women are terrible drivers but tell us something we don't already know.

Matt imagines if a cool metal dude from the 80s in a Camaro blasting ACDC would've done the first school shooting instead of the Marilyn Manson-inspired trenchcoats from Columbine. Greg is paranoid about footsteps in the snow leading up to each of his windows and Matt offers some gruesome traps as solutions. Matt details his fantasies and nightmares of blood on snow and ice while Greg still yearns for the Christian life. The two discuss accumulating weapons at alarming rates and Matt divulges which Fox News anchors he follows on Instagram. Who among the two thought they had a tarantula living in their scrotum? Find out in this new episode!

Recorded on the last day of 2021, Matt and Greg paint a grim picture of 2022 and beyond. A shred of success has morphed Greg into a motivational conservative men's empowerment guru. Meanwhile, Matt would just like the comfort of drinking breast milk straight from the tit. The two debate the importance of Betty White, whose death was announced during the recording. They also discover that they both have crushes on Ghislaine Maxwell, and Matt wants to become her prison pen pal. Matt starts a campaign for women to "take one for the team" so that incels don't commit heinous acts. Hear Matt's unfiltered thoughts about Puerto Rican neighbors and more about the great trans Jeopardy conspiracy.

Matt envisions himself as a billionaire that commits atrocities against the homeless and makes Elon Musk look like Mother Theresa.

Matt is oddly fixated on the disappearance of some guy who got called out in his small town. He is slowly finding his place in this world as a weirdo equally influenced by Kid Rock and Weird Al. He wants to write a conservative rock album to scam right wingers with irresistible patriotic rock. He lists out everything he can do better than you, including praising God. He's trying to clean up his act so he can land himself a Christian woman that lets him smoke weed.

Matt recaps his high school reunion as Kreg tries to get him to drop the trans issue. The two debate city vs. country living and the prolonged effects from their vaccine boosters. They remain fixated on meeting traditional Christian women and Kreg finally accepts the nickname Little Hitler that he was given in the past.

This episode was coincidentally recorded on the day that the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict was being revealed, so the boys deliver a stunning play-by-play of the media event. White women are once again a target in this week's episode. Matt remains oddly fixated on the feminine hygiene of art weirdos and resents people who get to live life on easy mode because they're attractive.  

In this week's episode, Matt envisions he and Greg as batman villains. As Greg's dad turns more gender fluid, Greg is taking a hard masculine turn. Matt discusses the results for his Hate Values Quiz which paint him as a bigot. Greg just doesn't like that bigger issues are being ignored like wealth disparity, poverty and hunger. Matt wants everyone to get back into the closet while Greg laments going public with private preferences in the past. Both seem like they're ready for Fox News to offer them their first show. They discuss the point of comedy and the people who are constantly threatening to end comedy because their feelings get hurt. Greg celebrates leaving a job that was killing him and complains about his ex-coworkers' inferior work ethics. Listen to Matt's wild story about why he'll never go out in public again. And why should he? He has two new kittens that are raising hell and are apparently already indoctrinated terrorists. Hear about Matt's frightening (satirical!) plans to become a serial killer of homeless people and his crazy All-American idea of a crew of Ford F-150s pulling down part of the Great Wall of China.

A wholesome episode for the soft generation.

Unabashed misogyny everywhere in this week's episode.

Matt's unhinged in this week's episode. Experience his range of emotions from feeling godly to speculating he'll never feel the touch of a woman again. Matt comes up with offensive reality TV show ideas and wants to wear black face to have a better chance at suicide by cop. Greg encourages Matt to just paint a picture.