Keep Talking Revolution

What if you stopped worrying about the possibility of saying the wrong thing and instead learned how to recover from the inevitable communication mis-steps that come along with being human?   You can learn a lot from conversations that don't go the way you'd like them to, which is why I believe it's impossible to say the wrong thing.   So, instead of focusing on trying not to say the wrong thing, why not focus on saying what's true and vulnerable? Speaking up gives you a chance to be real with people and that's what creates real trust and connection in your important relationships.   Follow Keep Talking Revolution on Instagram: instagram.com/keeptalkingrevolution   Get the full show notes and links to all the resources mentioned at keeptalkingrevolutionpodcast.com/ep-66

One of the quickest ways to feel less stuck in a relationship is to evaluate how you're defining success. If your success is dependent on how the other person responds to you, whether you can convince them or get them to respect your boundaries, you're often going to feel frustrated and unsuccessful. If however, you redefine success to mean that you are satisfied with how you are showing up when things aren't going the way you want them to, then you have complete control over your success. Decide ahead of time how you'll define success in your next tough moment and if you'd like my help with that you can schedule a free 30-minute call right here.

Have you ever tried to help someone that was being really resistant to your help? You can see what they need and how you can help them, but they don't really see or appreciate what you have to offer. And when you keep trying to help someone who is resisting your help, it can create a lot of tension in the relationship. Helping someone change something about themselves is very delicate territory, and it's pretty easy to cross the boundary between being helpful and being controlling or superior. In this episode, I share three elements of truly helpful behavior...the trademarks of the True Spirit of Helpfulness. Did this episode resonate with you? Would you like to dive deeper into something you heard here? Schedule your free 30-minute session with me here.

Have you ever caught yourself asking your partner for permission to do something? Or have you found yourself trying to convince them to see something your way so that they will go along with your plan? Maybe you've received some feedback that paints you in a negative light and you're catching yourself ruminating over whether or not the feedback is warranted and how to get that person back on your side. These are all signs that you're seeking validation, and these behaviors can get in the way of your ability to connect and communicate effectively. It's such an interesting paradox how validation is such a connecting force in our relationships while seeking validation creates so much disconnection. The best antidote for the disconnection created by seeking validation is to practice self-validation. I teach my clients a three-step exercise for self-validating. Acknowledge - Name what you are feeling Allow - Remind yourself that it's OK to feel any emotion Understand - Create a context that explains what you are feeling As you move through the practice of self-validation, you'll often find that nothing else needs to be done. And, when there is a problem to be solved, you'll have a more open and helpful perspective for collaboratively approaching the problem.   If seeking validation is keeping you from connecting more meaningfully, you can get my help here with a free 30-minute session

Do you struggle to give feedback, even when your feedback could help someone address an important issue? Or, is it harder to receive feedback...especially when that feedback isn't given in a careful and considerate way? If giving and receiving feedback is a struggle for you and you'd like some support, you can get my help here with a free 30-minute session.

Women often have a lot on their plates. Too much most of the time. And often, it feels like a losing battle to ask for some help. In this episode, I share four do's and don'ts for creating a more balanced and supportive relationship. If you'd like some help implementing these tips, schedule your free introductory call with Sharon here.

Sometimes the communication dynamics that we grew up with are so familiar to us that we don't recognize how unhealthy they are. One of these dynamics is what I call "should-ing." You can tell that you're "should-ing" on someone when you've already thought of several reasons why this person "should" believe or behave the way that you do before you start a conversation with them. If you feel like you might be “should-ing” on people when you're trying to resolve something that's bugging you and you'd like some help untangling that dynamic, you can get my help here with a free 30-minute session.

I started hearing people use the word “surrender” a couple of years ago and I thought to myself, who wants that? I see myself as a confident and assertive woman and surrender feels weak and disempowering. For a while, I've been thinking there must be something that I'm missing here. Because people I really respect are finding value in surrender…so what is it? Listen to this short episode on the differences between control and surrender to learn just how empowering it can be to let go and trust the process. Want some help with a challenge you're currently facing in your relationship? Book your free strategy call here.

So often, we feel stuck before we even have the conversation because we're trying to figure out the right words to say. But saying the right words isn't what makes a conversation go smoothly. It's more about what's beneath the words we say that really matters. Listen to this episode to learn what three things are most likely to cause you communication problems and what you can do instead. If you'd like more help learning how to navigate some of your hot-button issues more smoothly, you can get my help here with a free 30-minute session.

Are you always running short on time? Do your priorities always seem to take a back seat to everyone else? Listen to this episode to learn three important lessons from those who master time management. You'll learn three questions you can ask yourself to get the insight you need to take back control of your time.

We're trying out a new "Five Minute Friday" series and this is our first episode. Today I'm sharing some insights and experiences with asking for what you want. So often - too often - we give up or get frustrated when we aren't getting what we need. That doesn't have to be the case. I'm helping my kids and my clients learn how to be both patient and persistent in asking for what they want. Is this something that you'd like some help with? Schedule your free 30-minute call and let's get this figured out for you! 

Mario and I started meeting with Sara Thingvold at the beginning of the year to create our couple & family portrait. In this episode of the podcast, Mario and I share our portrait, what our experiences were creating the portrait, and how this guiding document has already helped us move through some previously sticky situations more gracefully. I shared the image of our family portrait on social media a couple of weeks ago and I've already gotten a lot of questions about how you can do a portrait for yourself. Whether you're single and contemplating a future relationship, just want to get clear on your own vision, purpose and values, or are in a long term relationship and want to work on your couples portrait, Sara can help. Get in touch with Sara at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-55

A family portrait - as described in this episode of the podcast - is a tool for determining the shared vision, values, dreams, goals, and purpose of your family relationships. “Envisioning with the end in mind and leaving a legacy we are proud of is really what a family portrait is all about,” Sara says. Four outcomes that a portrait can bring for a couple is increased: self-awareness and awareness of your partner clarity of roles and personal responsibility in the relationship commitment to the relationship peace, harmony & joy in the relationship In Part 2 of this two-part series, Sharon & Mario share their family portrait and their experience creating the portrait. Get the full show notes and links to resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-54

If bringing up a need or making a request feels hard and heavy, listen to Nathan Schechter describe how the simple formula for Non-Violent Communication (NVC for short) can help you navigate both the emotion and logic of any conversation. NVC is an approach to communication, based on principles of nonviolence. It is not a technique to end disagreements, but rather a method designed to increase empathy and improve the quality of life of those who utilize the method and the people around them. The four main components of NVC are OFNR: Observe without judging Express feelings Share your needs Make a request Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned here: https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-53

I have an ongoing fantasy where my partner does something that bugs me, I calmly tell him, "That was lame" and he looks at me and says, "You're absolutely right! I understand why you feel that way. I can't believe I didn't realize that." And if you're like most of us, you realize that my communication fantasy is about as unrealistic as most other fantasies we have for love and romance. Addressing bad behavior can be tricky, but if you follow the three rules I share in this episode you can avoid the biggest land mines in most hard conversations. Get the full show notes and resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-52

This episode is part 2 of a two-part series on the differences between complementarian and egalitarian marriages. I invited Bruce Pagano to come back on the podcast and talk about an idea that is prevalent both within religious communities and in everyday life - the idea that men and women are better suited to specific roles within a relationship and within communities. Often these beliefs aren't so clearly stated, but they manifest in the way that men fail to accept the influence of their spouses, don't give the same respect to their female peers and managers at work, and act in ways that prioritize their needs and experiences. Bruce and I talk about our own experiences in our relationships and the conflicts that arise when couples are playing a role rather than embracing their strengths. Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-49

Most of us enter relationships knowing less about what we want in a relationship than we know about what we want in a house, a job, or a car. In this episode, I share an analogy for relationship growth and a few tips for creating a clearer, more compelling vision for your relationships: Identify a relationship to focus on. What do you like about it? What do you want to be different? How will these changes make you feel - what feelings are you looking for in this relationship? Choose three words to describe the feelings you want and describe each one in detail. Decide who you need to be to initiate these changes in your relationship. Giving someone a clear definition of what you want make it so much easier for them to fulfill your requests...especially if you invite them to do the same! Get the free Relationship Vision Worksheet here. Get the full shownotes and links to the resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-50

This episode is part 1 of a two-part series on the differences between complementarian and egalitarian marriages. I invited Bruce Pagano to come back on the podcast and talk about an idea that is prevalent both within religious communities and in everyday life - the idea that men and women are better suited to specific roles within a relationship and within communities. Often these beliefs aren't so clearly stated, but they manifest in the way that men fail to accept the influence of their spouses, don't give the same respect to their female peers and managers at work, and act in ways that prioritize their needs and experiences. Bruce and I talk about our own experiences in our relationships and the conflicts that arise when couples are playing a role rather than embracing their strengths. Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-49

Liz Solar and I share a conversation about the power of slowing down and taking time to understand each other, giving second chances, being curious, and not letting disagreements ruin our relationships. Get the full show notes and links to resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-48.

Bad habits creep into the best of relationships from time to time. ​ What if you treated these red-flag moments like an opportunity to "re-calibrate" instead of getting stuck in resentment, frustration, and blame? According to Dr. John Gottman, these are the six most common signs that a relationship is headed for trouble.  Harsh Start-ups: When one or both individuals bring things up in a negative or critical way The Four Horsemen: When interactions are filled with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling Emotional Flooding: When disagreements lead to a feeling of emotional overwhelm Physiological Stress: When one or both individuals are physically stressed around each other (emotional flooding is constant) Failed Repair Attempts: When it's difficult to de-escalate conflict and restore peace and connection Rewriting the Past with Bad Memories: When all your memories of earlier times are cast in a negative light Not all relationships are headed for destruction if these signs of trouble are present. Some couples simply choose to emotionally detach from each other and lead parallel lives. And some couples are able to recognize they have gone off course and find ways to reconnect and get back on track. Getting back on track doesn't have to be hard or painful, but it does take a commitment to prioritizing your relationship and learning new ways to connect and communicate. Workshops, like the Happy Couples Workshop happening in January, are a great way to get started and decide what to do next. Sign up for the Truth About Happy Couples Workshop at keeptalkingrevolution.com/happycouplesworkshop.

Has your view of what makes a happy relationship changed with experience? What if you're focused on making your relationship better and you feel like nothing is changing, or things are even getting worse? If you focus on: Correcting your partner's character flaws Creating more shared activities, and Doing conflict the "right way"  at the expense of embracing the fact that two imperfect people can have a perfectly happy relationship, you'll find yourself stuck in unnecessary frustration and discouragement. Learn what really makes relationships tick so you can focus your efforts where it counts.

Why do men avoid relationships in favor of video games? Our guest, Chris Marhefka, shares some insights into the masculine brain and how women can motivate and inspire their male partners to engage in their relationships instead of disappearing to play video games or other “zoned out” activities. Taking a deep look at ourselves when we're already in pain in our relationships is hard, courageous, and it can be just what we need to flip the switch in our relationships. "Playing to Win" means giving our partner a chance to be victorious, to feel valued, appreciated, and acknowledged. When you "play to win" you clearly communicate what you want from him and where he is doing a good job.

Without a little help, our guest Dr. Tom Murray proposes that we lose our lust for our partner twice as quickly as we lose our like for our partner. In Dr. John Gottman's work, a huge focus is placed on friendship and fondness for one another. But Dr. Murray suggests that friendship and healthy intimacy don't always go hand in hand. Listen to this episode for new insights and perspectives on how to keep the spark in your relationship so that you avoid the “beach effect” that happens with too much familiarity and too little novelty. Get the full show notes and resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-44/

Can a relationship recover from infidelity? Our guest Dr. John Fite says, “It depends.”   Like most things in a relationship, there are forces outside our control. But don't give up too quickly because there are proven tools for making a marriage or committed relationship even better after a significant betrayal such as infidelity. In this episode, Dr. John Fite talks about what each partner has to lose when they take a chance at repairing their relationship and how Gottman's method of atone, attach, atune can be used to repair and strengthen a relationship that has been harmed by betrayal. --- Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-43

What is the purpose and meaning of your relationship? In the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - Gottman finishes the seven principles with the principles of Creating Shared Meaning. There are four pillars described in the Seven Principles Book: Rituals of Connection Support for Each Other's Roles Shared Goals Shared Values and Symbols Our guest, Alicia Montemurro, explains so well how creating shared meaning is an important component of our well-being both as individuals and within our relationships. Listen to episode 41 of the Keep Talking Revolution podcast to learn: Two components of meaning and their benefits Five benefits of living with purpose How you can create and support the roles you play in your relationship beyond a prescribed gender role orientation  Why tension builds when there are conflicting views over values, goals, and goals and how to achieve more unity and harmony

What do you do when the same problem keeps coming up over and over again in your relationship? This is a sign that you are either headed toward gridlock or you are already there. Whether or not you're in full gridlock, there are some helpful tools for dealing with the perpetual conflicts that come up in every relationship. So while you can't necessarily stop your mother-in-law from dropping by unannounced and spoiling the grandkids with unwanted treats and gifts, you can come to a place where you and your partner have each other's backs and understand why things that feel like no big deal to you really matter to them. Rules of Engagement for Healthy Conversation about Unsolvable Differences: Don't start a sentence with the word “you” (use "I" statements in conflict and in everyday language) Reflect back to your partner using their own words so you can tune in to what's going on for them Look for cues pointing to what dreams aren't being met (e.g. sense of freedom, Know your partner's backstory Keep your focus on the long-term success of the relationship -- Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-41

Every couple has irreconcilable differences in their relationship. Often these issues are avoided or result in frequent arguments and disagreements. In this episode, Janika Veasley joins us to talk about managing perpetual conflict without sweeping things under the rug or constantly caving to your partner's preferences and perspectives. We discuss the nuances of compromise and the difference between agreeing to disagree and putting a band aid on our differences. To constructively address any perpetual conflict, you need to first understand its cause. Under every gridlocked issue is a dream or hope that is unfulfilled. Uncovering the dreams within a conflict is a very effective way to create more understanding and less friction in your relationships. Listen to the episode to hear how you can find the dream within a conflict and other great tips for disagreeing without losing your friendship. Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-40

Even though most relational conflict is perpetual (69% according to Gottman's research). There are times when problems can be solved and you can move on. In this episode of Keep Talking Revolution, Josh Greep joins me to talk about recognizing solvable conflict and some tools to use for effective problem-solving. The skills that work are: A softened startup – complain but don't blame Making and receiving repair attempts – quickly get the conversation back on track Soothing yourself and each other – recognize and respond when flooding happens Compromising – yield without giving up your core needs Processing grievances so they don't linger – fight fair & seek understanding --- Want to address conflict over household responsibilities without sacrificing your friendship? Get the free guide to learn why most approaches to resolving this conflict don't work and what to do instead here: https://keeptalkingrevolution.com/getpromotingpartnership Get the full show notes and resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-39

Not all relationship conflict can be resolved and when that becomes the goal, your relationship is headed to conflict gridlock. In this episode, we talk with Gottman Therapist Laura Silverstein about two kinds of relationship conflict. Some conflict can be resolved, and some problems are perpetual. For perpetual problems, the skill of managing conflict with openness and curiosity is your key to maintaining trust and intimacy. This episode is an overview of the different types of conflict. For more tips and strategies on managing conflict, stay tuned for the upcoming episodes. Laura wants to remind the audience that working on your relationship doesn't need to be hard. Make sure to keep things fun by spending time together, keeping it fresh, and taking care of the fun in your relationship. Get her free 52 dates workbook on her website.  --- Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-38

When you approach your partner with a need, do they respond openly or do they close off? This week's guest Dianne Presley joins me to talk about sharing needs in a way that invites collaboration instead of competition. She uses the CPR formula for sharing a need: C – Compliment P – State the Problem R – Make a Request Sometimes these formulas don't work because: Compliments are only given when a request is soon to follow Problems are shared with more blame and less personal responsibility Requests are rigid and demanding instead of open and exploratory, or All the baggage of past hurts and emotions doesn't have time to air out before you expect a big change Listen in to learn how sharing your needs really can be inviting and collaborative, even if it takes a while to create new patterns and habits of communication in your relationship.

Who gets the final say when you and your partner disagree? In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Gottman calls the ability to discuss and decide as a team “Accepting Influence.” Bruce Pagano joins me on this episode to share his personal experience navigating this issue as well as his professional insights as a couples therapist. Bruce shares, “For me, I had to really learn to just be quiet and listen to what she was saying without trying to fix things. And then she had to learn to speak up.” Whether you need to work on your listening and willingness to be influenced or you need to work on speaking up and offering influence you'll find some great insights for you and your relationship in this episode. Connect with our guest Bruce Pagano II Website: Growing Hope Counseling  Facebook: brucepagano2 Instagram: @bpags2 and @growing.hope.counseling TikTok: @bpags2 Twitter: @bpags2 --- Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-36

In satisfying relationships, people look for ways to connect with each other all the time. Gottman calls this a bid for connection. Sometimes bids are obvious, like reaching out to hold hands, and other times they may be so subtle that they aren't even recognized as an attempt to connect. When a bid to connect is received, one can acknowledge the bid and turn toward the bidder, turn away, or turn against. Turning toward, even in small ways, builds a deep connection over time. In this week's episode, Mandy Mitchell joins me to talk about what it means to turn toward each other and how to recognize your partner's bids for connection – even when they are masked with negativity. Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-35

We can mentally rehearse positive things about our partner's qualities or we can rehearse annoying, irritating, and negative things about their personality. Choosing to find and focus on what you like and admire about your partner is the key to nurturing affection and closeness in your relationship. In this week's episode, Estrella Rogers (aka “Miss Star”) and I talk about why it's so important to nurture fondness and admiration for your partner and a few tips for getting started. Estrella's first question is always, “Tell me about when you first started your relationship.” Make sure you follow Estrella on Instagram for her “Make them Smile Monday” prompts to continue the habit of nurturing fondness & admiration. Connect with our guest Estrella Rogers and get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-34

The foundation of a relationship is friendship. Gottman's Principle “Enhance Your Love Map” is basically an ongoing effort to know your partner and get a glimpse into their inner world. Using the map analogy, some people only have a very general understanding of another person. They know the basics, but not the details. As you get to know your partner more deeply you will each feel more valued, appreciated, and cared about. This week on the podcast, Sara Thingvold joins me to talk about getting to know your partner better through asking open-ended questions and having “agenda-free” conversations. Great practices for asking open-ended questions: Get permission – “Would you be willing to have a conversation right now?” Asking an open-ended question when your partner is distracted, upset, or not present can lead to disappointment. Use a great lead into an open conversation. Share your responses to open your partner up. “Can you tell me about…?” Give your partner permission not to respond Take time to tune into yourself, your feelings and your opinions so that you can become more tuned into your partner It gets easier with practice. Give yourself permission to be messy. Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-33

Most of us try and resolve conflict in the worst possible moment – when emotion is high and cognition is low. This high emotion, low cognition state is defined by Gottman as flooding. When either partner is flooded, staying in the conversation will only escalate the conflict. This week on the podcast, Julie Benoit joins me to talk about flooding and what makes us vulnerable to flooding. Listen to this episode to learn: What flooding is and how to recognize it. What to do when either of you is flooded. How to proactively prevent flooding so you can have more productive communication when the potential for conflict is high. Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-32

Brooke Rasmussen, a fellow Gottman Educator and mother of 7 is on the podcast this week to talk about the Four Horsemen, the four most common attitudes and behaviors that harm relationships. These horsemen show up even in healthy relationships, but when you're struggling the Four Horsemen seem to take over: Criticism – when a complaint becomes a personal attack on your partner Contempt – when you take a position of moral superiority over your partner Defensiveness – using excuses, a victim position, or reversing blame to get your partner to back off Stonewalling – avoiding your partner by tuning out, turning away, or acting busy The good news is there is an effective antidote to each bad habit: Replace criticism with a soft startup – talking about your feelings using “I” statements and expressing a positive need. Replace contempt with gratitude – remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions. Replace defensiveness with taking responsibility – accept your partner's perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing. Replace stonewalling with self-soothing – take a healthy break and spend that time soothing your emotions. --- Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-31

According to Dr. John Gottman, most relationship therapy fails because the therapy is focused solely on helping a couple improve their communication, using a commonly accepted communication technique called active listening. Since Mario and I have seen so many therapists (ahem...at least 6) in our 9-year marriage, we feel particularly qualified to take on these 7 marriage myths that Gottman has debunked.  Listen to our conversation about these 7 common relationship myths: Personality problems ruin relationships Common interests keep you together You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours (aka "the fairness trap") Avoiding conflict will ruin your relationship Affairs are the root cause of divorce Men are not biologically 'built' for monogamy Men and women are from different planets Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-30

A review of the first 6 months of podcasting here at the Keep Talking Revolution.  What's happened since the podcast was launched and what is coming up? Looking back: I started working with my first private couples clients. Now that the nervousness has faded, I'm seeing that coaching couples is not so different than coaching individuals.  I re-launched community calls. I love connecting with women in small groups to support one another in our challenges and celebrate each success story. I participated in the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work leader training and can now present couples programs with the curriculum provided by the Gottman Institute. What I've learned: Becoming a relationship & communication coach is the best thing that has happened to me and my relationships. I like to do many things - trying to focus on just one project or priority is suffocating to me. What's coming up: I'm going to start offering couples courses and programs based on the 7 Principles programs. I'm re-evaluating how I show up on social media - where and what I share. I'm not sure if I'll continue the Keep Talking Facebook Community or stay as active on Instagram. Let me know what you think! I'm starting a new series on the podcast - a collaboration with other Gottman professionals on what makes relationships work. We'll talk about various concepts and perspectives from each part of the book.

Drama is great for TV, but it wreaks havoc on relationships.  In this week's episode, I share three common roles we play in a drama dynamic and what you can do to ditch the drama and create more loving partnerships. It all starts with vulnerability. As Brene Brown says, "Vulnerability is not about winning or losing. It's having the courage to show up even when you can't control the outcome." When you can't control the outcome, there are still three things that you can control to keep drama at bay: Your story Your response Your follow-up Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-28

Have you ever opened up about something you were struggling with only to find out that everyone else was feeling the same? The funny thing about human nature is that we don't often realize just how normal the things we don't talk about are. In this episode, I share six things that are challenging, but VERY NORMAL in romantic relationships. It's normal to react negatively when you feel threatened…and to think that your response is justified while your partner's is not. It's normal for one person in a relationship to bring up most of the issues (and usually it's the woman in a heterosexual couple). It's normal to feel uncomfortable, even when you're on the right track. It's normal to feel the tug of war between a need for independence/autonomy and a need for connection/intimacy. It's normal to have issues that never seem to be resolved. It's normal to need help when you're stuck. NOTE: This episode does not apply to abuse of any kind. If you suspect you or someone close to you is a victim of domestic abuse, call the US national hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233).

You can't partner and parent at the same time. In this episode, I talk with Daniel Adams – the premiere relationship coach in the marketplace for connective sex, fulfilling intimacy, doubling your revenue, and most importantly growing creative confidence. We talk about why it's so easy to fall into a mother/little boy dynamic with your partner, the disconnecting impact that this has on relationships, and how to shed the pattern and shift into a connecting and intimate partnership. How to shift the dynamic away from mothering and into connected partnership: Notice the dynamic is happening Tell the truth (about what you see, feel and desire) Get comfortable with emotion Come from a shared vision Do you recognize this dynamic in your relationship? What are you ready to do to change it? --- Resources Mentioned: Keep Talking Workbook – http://keeptalkingframework.com Join the free Facebook Community – https://www.facebook.com/groups/keeptalkingcommunity   Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-26

Bringing up disappointments, missed expectations, and unmet needs is hard for nearly all of us. But for some relationships, it's almost impossible. In this week's episode, I share a few tips for getting more cooperation and agreement when it's time to bring up these tough topics. --- Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-25 Bringing up disappointments, missed expectations, and unmet needs is hard for nearly all of us. But for some relationships, it's almost impossible. In this week's episode, I share a few tips for getting more cooperation and agreement when it's time to bring up these tough topics. --- Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-25

What's the self-talk in your head? If you go to a mirror and speak out loud the same words to yourself, is it something you would repeat to someone else? About 5 1/2 years ago, Dr. Lori Monaco hit rock bottom at 46 years old. She had to restart financially, personally, and in her career. At one point, she considered suicide. She decided that her life was worth living and started to work on herself and learn about herself. As she changed the way she spoke to herself, her new relationship with herself reflected in how she communicated with others.  Now Lori starts coaching her clients by having them list out what they like, love, dislike, and hate about themselves. Then, she guides them on a journey of learning to love themselves and change the things they aren't happy about.  Lori's tips for your self-love journey: Practice everyday mindfulness to create more self-awareness Accept the parts of you that you don't like and work on improving them Smile and laugh  Seek out eye contact in your day to day interactions Reflect on the feedback you are receiving from others Trust that all will be as it should be Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-24

What happens when a tiny disagreement or misunderstanding turns into a huge fight? Usually, at least one of you is assuming the worst of the other. It's easy for this to happen in our close relationships because our history is long and deep. If you assume negative intent, your focus is on fixing the person instead of the problem. There is a victim/villain story playing out and the best you can get is a win/lose outcome. If however, you assume positive intent you can focus on fixing the problem instead of the person, and your chances of creating a win/win outcome are maximized. In this episode, Sharon shares 5 tips for breaking the habit of assuming negative intent: Remind yourself what it feels like to be criticized when you're doing your best Ask rather than assume Learn how to filter facts from interpretations Create opportunities for no-agenda connection Be patient as you create new relationship dynamics --- Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-23

When Celia was in college she started to recognize the ways that she was apologizing for taking up space. She started an experiment where she decided to stop apologizing. This isn't a story about failing to acknowledge our faults and shortcomings. It's a story of empowering ourselves and our relationships with more intentional communication. Celia shares – What happens when we say sorry, what to say instead, and how to implement your own “no apology” experiment. --- Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-22

Do you own your wants and needs and ask for them directly, or do you spend a lot of time trying to earn the care that you need by being everything to everyone? In this episode, Sharon shares how she made the transition from trying to earn the care she needed, to openly sharing her wants and needs. Sharon shares a simple phrase that can be used when expressing your needs to avoid the habit of trying to earn support or justify your point of view. --- Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at sharoncostanzo.com/ep-21

This week's guest on the podcast is Margot Zaher. Margot came on the podcast to share her tips for having more empowered conversations. --- Get in touch with Margot Zaher! Margot's Website - https://MargotZaher.com Relationship Reset Bootcamp - https://www.margotzaher.com/program --- Get the full show notes and links to the resources mentioned at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-20

Hard conversations are rarely resolved in a single event. When you have a linear approach to communicating, it can be very frustrating when those blow-up, suck it up, or walk away moments happen.  However, when you follow the 5 parts of the Keep Talking Framework, you have all the time you need to correct misunderstandings, think through unexpected responses, and continue along a productive path.  The five parts of the framework are: Initiate: Start with sharing what you want to communicate and what you want the outcome to be. Pause: If your Conversation Kryptonite creeps in, take a healthy pause to calm your emotions (or allow your partner to calm down) so that you can continue when problem-solving is more likely. Repair: Get clear on your part in the communication breakdown. Create space for your partner to own his part.  Resume: Once misunderstandings and communication breakdowns have been repaired, resume a healthy discussion about the original topic. Resolve: Reach your conversation objective in a way that both partners feel seen & heard.  Get a jumpstart on using this framework by purchasing the Keep Talking Workbook. --- Find the resources mentioned and get full shownotes at https://sharoncostanzo.com/ep-19/

Before you start a win/win conversation, you need to know who your partner is and why he is responding the way he does. Or at least be open to considering that the story you're telling yourself might not be true. Why is it so easy to skip this step? As human beings, we are wired to protect ourselves and our views, even at the expense of our relationships. When you approach a conversation with judgment or an unflattering view of your partner, you are almost guaranteed to fall into a dead-end trap and be disappointed with the outcome. I first learned this principle when I ran a math tutoring center and I helped hundreds of students who struggled in school not only catch up and gain confidence in math, but also completely transform from difficult kids with behavior problems to cooperative and enthusiastic learners. The same concept of seeing someone for who they are and accepting where they are right now applies to every relationship and can completely transform the relationship you have with your partner.  This episode is part 2 of the three-step process I teach my clients in my 1:1 coaching program. You can solve problems, communicate more effectively, AND feel closer to your partner when you follow the steps outlined in this mini-series.  LET'S CONNECT: Discover your Conversation Kryptonite Join the Keep Talking Community Schedule a free Strategy Session

It's common to try and solve problems and communicate without first getting to know exactly what we want to communicate and why. This leads to confusion and resistance from our partner. In this episode we talk about: Why it can be so hard for women to turn inward and reflect on what they want and need.  Why it's essential to reflect on what you want and don't want and why. How to get a clearer picture of what it is that you do want so you can be clear and confident. You can solve problems, communicate more effectively, AND feel closer to your partner when you follow the steps outlined in this mini-series.  Listen to learn what it means to communicate for a win-win. LET'S CONNECT: Discover your Conversation Kryptonite Join the Keep Talking Community Schedule a free Strategy Session

Looking for some advice to improve a situation in your relationship? Most people will tell you: You have to get mad. No one listens until you lose it and let them know you're serious. Just tolerate it. This is what marriage is and this is how men are. Time to look for another man. Your relationship is obviously broken beyond repair. All of this advice is BS. You can solve problems, communicate more effectively, AND feel closer to your partner when you follow the steps outlined in this mini-series.  This episode is an outline of the three-part process I teach all my 1:1 clients. Listen to learn what it means to communicate for a win-win. LET'S CONNECT: Discover your Conversation Kryptonite Join the Keep Talking Community Schedule a free Strategy Session