Podcasts about gottman institute

Have you ever found yourself taking your child's behavior personally, getting defensive, or reacting in a way you wish you could take back? Today, we're talking about how the Gottman Institute's Four Horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling can show up in our parenting, why our kids' emotional development means we have to take the lead when it comes to navigating conflict, and how much they learn from the way we handle hard moments. We're not going to get it right every time, but becoming more aware of our patterns can help us model healthier communication, repair, and relationships for our kids.Key Topics CoveredWhy criticism can feel like an attack or humiliation to a childHow to tell the difference between taking a break and stonewallingWhy self-regulation has to come before trying to coach your child through a conflictHow to soften the start-up and communicate your feelings more clearlyThe importance of taking responsibility and modeling a genuine apologyLINKS AND RESOURCES:AMAZON STOREFRONT: https://amzlink.to/az0BrkLl5pX9uMOMCOZY: 20% off with code HERSELF https://momcozy.com/ Let's connect!HERSELF PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/herselfpodcastHERSELF INSTAGRAM: http://instagram.com/herselfpodcastMEET AMY: http://instagram.com/ameskieferMEET ABBY: http://instagram.com/abbyrosegreenThis episode was brought to you by the Pivot Ball Change Network.

In this episode I get into bids for connection, the Gottman Institute's term for the small moments when your partner reaches out to you, and why how often you turn towards them is one of the biggest predictors of whether a couple stays together or gets divorced. I go through the newlywed research that followed couples for six years and sorted them into masters and disasters, and the part that actually matters, which is not catching every bid but going back to repair the ones you miss. I talk about the emotional bank account, Alexis Fernandez's tennis ball, the bird theory trend and Robert Irwin's answer to it, and why the phone is the biggest killer of all of it. I go into the year I spent making big grand gestures while missing the small ones, and what changed in the two weeks before I recorded this. This one was made with Denza. We packed the B5, drove up into the hinterland and set camp for the night, and that is where the episode was recorded. The cooler in the centre console kept the sandwiches cold on the way up, the boot is spacious and fits everything we need and this car is just such a pleasure to drive. Thanks DENZA Gold Coast. For more just like this #186 Alexis Fernandez The Neuroscience of Connection, Creativity & Heartbreak: Spotify · Apple · YouTube The conversation this whole episode came out of, and where the tennis ball comes from. #190 The Psychology of Monotasking: Why Being Bored Makes You More Creative: Spotify · Apple · YouTube The companion to the phone half of this one. How to Help People Feel Comfortable | Episode 179: Spotify · Apple · YouTube The instinct I did not have a name for until this one. #146 Harry Garside: Masculinity, Vulnerability & Boxing: Spotify · Apple · YouTube Listen and subscribe Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4L7zyEBXeNYBDK4rRjBK0K Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/keegan-and-company/id1695873736 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Keeganandcompany Follow for more Podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/keeganandcompanypodcast/ Keegan's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/keeganhipgrave/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@keeganandcompanySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Most relationships don't fall apart because of one big moment. They drift because of hundreds of tiny missed moments. In this episode, Dr Justin and Kylie Coulson unpack five surprisingly simple weekly habits that relationship therapists see again and again in happy, long-lasting couples. None of them require expensive date nights, grand romantic gestures or endless free time. From weekly check-ins to repairing arguments, these small rituals help couples stay connected through the chaos of work, parenting and everyday life. If you've ever felt like you're living alongside your partner instead of with them, this conversation offers practical ways to find your way back. KEY POINTS Why happy couples schedule weekly relationship check-ins. The simple conversation that builds connection instead of just swapping information. How one sentence can completely change the way you handle conflict. Why repairing arguments matters more than avoiding them. The surprising power of everyday touch with no expectations attached. Why therapists say connection matters more than traditional date nights. Small weekly habits create stronger relationships over time. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE "Happy couples don't do more. They schedule more." RESOURCES MENTIONED Stylist magazine article featuring relationship therapists. The Gottman Institute's six-second kiss concept. Happy Families family meeting framework. ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS Set aside 20 minutes each week to talk about family logistics before they become arguments. Spend five to ten minutes each day checking in beyond "How was your day?" When conflict arises, begin with, "The story I told myself was..." before sharing your feelings. Add more everyday affection with hugs, hand holding or a quick kiss that doesn't have to lead anywhere. Replace the pressure of a perfect date night with one simple activity you both enjoy every week. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Drifting" away from your plant-based intentions?  Here's how to gently turn back toward what you value.Maybe you started the year strong and now it's August and there's cheese back in the fridge? This one's for you.Inspired by the Gottman Institute's famous relationship research (hat tip to Maggie Reyes of The Marriage Life Coach Podcast), this episode borrows a powerful idea: relationships rarely end in explosive fights. They drift — slowly, silently, through a failure to connect in tiny everyday moments. Your relationship with your vegan intentions works exactly the same way. The gap between where you meant to be and where you are isn't failure. It's drift. In this episode:How the Gottman Institute's "drift" research applies to your plant-based practice (and your fitness, finances, and relationships too)The currents that move all of us: busy weeks, travel, family reunions, the path of least resistance with Parmesan on itWhy noticing you've drifted is good news — it means you're paying attentionLook where you want to go: what skiing, and driving  teach us about target fixation and steering toward your futureData, not drama: borrowing the scientist's lab coat so your meals become data points, not a moral report cardWhy every plant-based meal counts even if you're not fully vegan — three plant-based dinners a week is 150+ meals a year, and consistency compounds.If "vegan" feels overwhelming as an identity, make it an action instead: just vedge your bestI'd love to hear from you: Where did you notice yourself drifting this summer — and what's one turn you made back toward what you want? Send me a message; your answer might make it into a future episode.If this episode helped you, please share it with someone who could use a soft place to land this August — and leave a rating or review to help others find the show.Subscribe & Review:If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us grow and share the message of plant-based living with more listeners.For more information, to submit a question or topic, or to book a free 30 minute Coaching session visit ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠veganatanyage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠or email ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠info@micheleolendercoaching.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Music, Production, and Editing by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Charlie Weinshank⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. For inquiries email: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠charliewe97@gmail.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Virtual Support Services: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://proadminme.com/⁠

Send us a messageEpisode 229: My Adult Child Says I Trigger Them: What Should I Do?What does it mean when your adult child says, “You're triggering me”?For many parents, hearing this word can feel confusing, painful, and disorienting. You may wonder what you said wrong, whether you caused a trauma response, or whether it is still possible to have an honest conversation without making things worse.In this episode, Tina explains what the word “triggered” can mean, what may be happening in your adult child's nervous system, and how to respond without becoming defensive, dismissive, or afraid to speak.The word “triggered” originally came from trauma and PTSD research, where it described an involuntary nervous system response to something associated with past danger. Today, the word is also used more broadly to describe emotional distress, discomfort, overwhelm, or the desire to stop a difficult conversation.This episode is also partly based on research from the Gottman Institute, particularly its work on emotional flooding during conflict. Emotional flooding happens when the body becomes so activated that heart rate rises, stress hormones increase, and the ability to think clearly, show empathy, and solve problems begins to decrease.The Gottman Institute's research was conducted primarily with couples, not parents and adult children. However, the underlying nervous system response to relational stress can still offer a helpful framework for understanding why difficult conversations sometimes become unproductive so quickly.You do not have to decide in the moment whether your adult child is experiencing a trauma trigger, emotional flooding, or simply feeling overwhelmed. Your job is not to diagnose the reaction. Your job is to respond in a way that lowers the intensity and protects the possibility of repair.Why You Should ListenIf your adult child says you trigger them, you may feel like you are walking on eggshells. You may become afraid to ask questions, bring up concerns, or continue difficult conversations.This episode will help you understand what may be happening beneath the word “triggered” so you can respond with more steadiness and less defensiveness.You will also learn why taking a break can help the nervous system settle, why pushing through an emotionally flooded conversation often backfires, and why returning to the discussion later is an essential part of rebuilding trust.In This Episode, You Will Learn:What “triggered” means in trauma research, therapy language, and everyday conversationsHow the Gottman Institute's research on emotional flooding helps explain what happens during intense conflictWhat to say when your adult child tells you that you are triggering themWhy a real pause can restore clear thinking, empathy, and emotional regulationHow returning to the conversation can support conflict repair and strengthen your relationship with your adult childYou do not need to argue about whether your adult child is using the word correctly. You also do not need to treat every use of the word as an emergency.Instead, you can notice the emotional activation, regulate your own nervous system, take a meaningful pause, and make a plan to return to the conversation when both of you are steadier.A pause is not the same as avoidance. The goal is not to abandon the topic. The goal is to create enough calm that the conversation has a better chance of becoming productive.When you consistently show your adult child that difficult conversations can pause and then continue, you begin to create a new pattern. Over time, hard topics may feel less threatening because neither person has to fear that every disagreement will end in defensiveness, withdrawal, or a slammed door.Listen now to better understand emotional triggers, nervous system regulation, emotional flooding, and how to respond when your adult child says you trigger them.If this episode helps you make sense of a difficult moment, share it with another parent who may need to hear it.Click Here to download the free guide: 5 Steps to Take Before Trying to Repair the Relationship With Your Adult Child Tina Gosney is the Family Conflict Coach. She works with parents who have families in conflict to help them become the grounded, confident leaders their family needs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------If you want support putting what you're learning into practice, come join The Connection Community in Bridge to Connection. This is the perfect spot where you can learn, connect and get targeted help to start moving your relationship with your adult child in a different direction. Set up a Connection Clarity Call with Tina to see if this is a good fit for you: CLICK HERE TO SET UP A CALL---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tina is certified in family relationships and a trauma informed coach.  Visit tinagosney.com for more information on coaching services.

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Grant Clark continues the Proverbs series "How to Build a Life" by turning to what the book teaches about marriage. Rather than the usual texts in Genesis 2 or Ephesians 5, he draws five recurring themes out of Proverbs itself and presents them as five gauges on a dashboard, inviting listeners to check which one needs attention, whether they are married now or may be one day.He opens with recent headlines from an advice column, each one a person in a hard situation asking an expert what wisdom looks like for them:"My Wife Won't Forgive me for Cheating""I Can't Talk to My Wife About Money""My Husband Hates our Life""Do I Like Being Single Too Much to Fall In Love""Do I Work on my Marriage, or Cut my Losses?"The central text is Proverbs 31:10-31, the passage on the wife of noble character. Grant notes it is an alphabetical acrostic running the twenty two letters of the Hebrew alphabet, a literary device signaling completeness, and warns against the two common misreadings: turning it into a wife hunting checklist for men, or an impossible standard for women. It is an idealized portrait, not a job description."This passage is a rich way to end the book on a high note. While it depicts wisdom exemplified in the life of a woman, it is not a lesson only for women, but for men as well. Both men and women need to be like the 'Proverbs 31 woman'!" - Lindsay WilsonThe portrait functions as the embodiment of Lady Wisdom from Proverbs 1 to 9, set in contrast to the adulterous woman whose way leads to ruin."The 'good wife' points us to what Proverbs regards as 'the good life'." - Lindsay Wilson## 1) Become a Person of CharacterProverbs 31:10 and Proverbs 31:30 put character ahead of charm and beauty. Grant tells of asking his brother in law for advice before pursuing his wife, and being pointed to the question that mattered most: does she fear the Lord?"The Fear of the Lord is a reverential awe, that produces humble submission, to a loving God." - Skip HeitzigHe contrasts this with current cultural priorities, citing a 2025 University of Amsterdam study of dating app behavior which found physical attractiveness overwhelmingly determined who got matched, weighted roughly ten times more heavily than intelligence, personality, priorities, job, or height.## 2) Trust Your SpouseProverbs 31:10-11 can be read as the husband entrusting his heart to his wife, a vulnerability with real risk, since a spouse knows us best and has seen us at our worst. Grant passes on a practice from pastor John Tyson: take a fifteen minute window a day to share with your spouse what is happening in your inner world and to listen to what is happening in theirs.He then walks through research from the Gottman Institute on the roughly six hours a week that sustain a healthy marriage:A 2-minute meaningful goodbye in the morning.A 20-minute reunion at night processing the day and being present to one another.A hug and a six-second kiss every day.5 minutes of appreciation and affirmation every day.A 2-hour date a week.A 1-hour state of the union a week, zooming out and looking at the big picture of your life and relationships.## 3) Be LoversProverbs 5:15-20 speaks openly about sex within marriage, with no shame or awkwardness, using the imagery of the cistern, the well, and the fountain. Grant observes that in many ancient cultures marriage was primarily a familial and economic arrangement, which is part of why male unfaithfulness was often socially tolerated. Proverbs instead presents both the ecstasy and the exclusivity of sex in marriage, husband and wife belonging to one another. He is candid that for many this is a vision being built toward rather than a starting point, and offers the church's help for those for whom this gauge is a point of pain.## 4) Spouses are Close FriendsProverbs 2:16-17 uses a Hebrew word for companion that describes the closest of friends, a marked contrast to a setting where wives were often viewed as property and child bearers rather than companions. Grant then turns to how couples erode that friendship through their words, in Proverbs 25:24 and Proverbs 27:15."To nag is not to do thoughtful criticism, but to do 'drive-bys,' making brief caustic or cynical remarks that complain and question motives and character. Two telltale signs of a nagging statement is that it begins, 'You always . . .' or 'You never . . .'" - Timothy KellerThe alternative is not silence about real problems but pouring out the concern at the right time and place, working it through to completion rather than dropping barbs along the way.## 5) Marriage is Kept together by a CovenantGrant draws the contrast between a covenant and a contract, and between vows and speeches. A speech describes how the other person makes you feel. A vow is a promise: for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others. He calls forsaking all others the most radical part, a commitment made in faith without knowing what the future holds. He illustrates the alternative by reading a contractual, watered down version of the vows and letting it land."It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer, written from prison in 1943He notes that Scripture nowhere makes happiness the purpose of marriage, referencing Gary Thomas in Sacred Marriage on marriage being ordered toward holiness more than happiness, with hard seasons serving to form us into the likeness of Christ.Ephesians 5:25: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her..."Marriage is a billboard displaying the love of God, to a spouse and to the watching world. Grant closes by pointing underneath all five gauges to the covenant of grace Jesus has already made, loving us at our worst, forgiving us at enormous cost, and promising never to leave. It is hard to give what you have not received, so as the love, forgiveness, sacrifice, and unconditional commitment of Jesus go deeper, we are empowered to extend the same to a spouse. A marriage is not built in a moment but through thousands of ordinary daily decisions.Verses referenced:Proverbs 31:10-31Proverbs 31:10Proverbs 31:30Proverbs 31:10-11Proverbs 5:15-20Proverbs 2:16-17Proverbs 25:24Proverbs 27:15Ephesians 5:25

SYNOPSIS:What does it mean to experience yourself as a fertile body? And what happens when your body doesn't seem to be cooperating with your deepest hopes?In this wide-ranging conversation, Ali speaks with Harvard-awarded fertility specialist Gabriela Rosa about fertility as far more than a medical diagnosis. Together they explore the meaning we attach to parenthood, the relationship between fertility and creativity, the impact of trauma and relationships on reproductive health, and why infertility is never simply "a women's issue."Gabriela shares her evidence-based, integrative approach to fertility, explaining how removing obstacles to health often allows the body's innate intelligence to do what it already knows how to do. Along the way, they discuss IVF, implantation, sperm health, miscarriage, Family Constellation Work, embodiment, and the profound question of how we learn to trust the intelligence of our bodies – even when it seems to be saying "not yet."Whether you're navigating fertility challenges, considering parenthood, or simply curious about the body's remarkable capacity for intelligence and healing, this conversation offers a deeply humane perspective on one of life's most meaningful journeys.Ultimately, this episode is an invitation to reconsider one of the podcast's central questions: What becomes possible when we stop treating the body as a problem to solve and begin discovering the body's innate intelligence?To subscribe now, click hereTo be an angel to the podcast, click here To read more about the podcast, click here FOR MORE ALI MEZEY:Website: https://www.alimezey.comPersonal Geometry® and the Magic of Mat Work Course information:FREE Guided Body Mapping Taster: Heart/Sexuality SplitFive-films series (made by Ali Mezey) on renowned Family Constellation Facilitator, Stephan Hausner's work with transgenerational influences on illnessFOR MORE GABRIELA ROSA: BIO:Gabriela Rosa, DrPH (Candidate, Harvard), is a Harvard-awarded fertility specialist, founder of The Rosa Institute, and author of Fertility Breakthrough: Overcoming Infertility and Recurrent Miscarriage When Other Treatments Have Failed. She is a pioneer in telehealth-based integrative fertility care, bringing evidence-based reproductive solutions to individuals and couples around the world.Gabriela is also the creator and host of The Fertility Challenge, a free global online program that supports tens of thousands of participants each year. Through her proprietary F.E.R.T.I.L.E. Method®, she has helped more than 204,000 people across 111 countries. Published research on her signature program shows a 78.8% live birth rate among patients—even after years of infertility, recurrent miscarriage, and unsuccessful treatments.SOCIALS:Website: https://fertilitybreakthrough.com/Socials: FACEBOOKINSTAGRAMXTIKTOKRESOURCES, DEFINITIONS & INSPIRATION:Tara BrachBuddhist meditation teacher, psychologist, and bestselling author known for her work on mindfulness, self-compassion, and emotional healing.https://www.tarabrach.comMartha BeckHarvard-trained sociologist, bestselling author, and life coach whose work explores personal transformation, purpose, and living in alignment with one's deepest values.https://marthabeck.comThe Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.A groundbreaking book exploring how trauma affects the brain, body, and nervous system, and why healing often requires body-based as well as psychological approaches.https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-scoreJohn GottmanPsychologist and relationship researcher whose decades of research have transformed our understanding of what helps couples build lasting, healthy relationships. He is co-founder of The Gottman Institute.https://www.gottman.comFamily Constellation WorkAn experiential therapeutic approach developed by Bert Hellinger that reveals unconscious family and relational dynamics through spatial representation. It is used worldwide to explore patterns of trauma, belonging, and connection that may influence present-day relationships and well-being.Corpus luteumA temporary hormone-producing structure that forms in the ovary after ovulation. It secretes progesterone, which prepares the uterus for pregnancy.EndometriosisA chronic condition in which tissue similar to the uterine lining grows outside the uterus, often causing pelvic pain, painful periods, and fertility challenges.Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)A common hormonal condition that can affect ovulation, menstrual cycles, fertility, metabolism, and hormone balance.ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection)A specialized IVF procedure in which a single sperm is injected directly into an egg to achieve fertilization, often used in cases of male-factor infertility.Sperm parametersThe characteristics measured during a semen analysis, including sperm count, motility (movement), morphology (shape), and vitality, which help assess male fertility.Can eggs repair sperm DNA fragmentation?Healthy eggs possess natural DNA repair mechanisms that can repair some damage in sperm DNA after fertilization. However, this capacity depends on the quality of the egg and the extent of the sperm's DNA fragmentation.

Send us Fan MailOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreSex Addiction prevalence in the couple's relationship is likely to create tension, conflict , hurt and damage to trust and therefore undermine to couple's relationship. Repair will be needed and almost certainly third party trained help will be beneficial.When "Mrs Porn" is on her way out and a distance down the road - not necessarily having been gone for a long period - but going is detectible - it's time to work on repairing the couple. Up until then, the couple have different work to do and different journeys, before joint work.What is a Repair Attempt? Consider this - from The Gottman Institute: "A repair attempt is any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, Ph.D., calls repair attempts a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. His ground breaking research shows “the success or failure of a couple's repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether [a] marriage is likely to flourish or flounder.”What do we do when our repair attempts fall flat? The simple act of making repair attempts is not enough. Knowing your partner, by understanding their "Needs"/Love Language/Apology Language/The Five Loves (in my book The Art Of Loving) - will help to devise ways to effectively de-escalate a conflict/argument -often arising from the betrayal. Each has lost their best friend.Conflict is inevitable and is not necessarily bad. It is very hard to remain in conflict with someone you are touching and embracing. The block is letting go of pride and actually making the first move to touch the other person. You should try it!All our deepest fears stem from our desire for connection (to be secure) and significance. Our deepest fears are therefore to lose connection and lack significance.There are 7 A's of an effective confession - as a first step towards Repair & Rebuilding connection. They are:1.    Address everyone involved: admit to your role which contributed to the conflict - to every person who has been directly affected.2.    Avoid “if”, “but” and “maybe”: do not use words that shift the blame to others or appear to minimise or excuse your guilt.3.    Admit specifically: identify the specific behaviour which you need to change.4.    Acknowledge the hurt: show that you are trying to understand the way someone must havefelt by your behaviour.5.    Accept the consequence: the consequence may have been severe and restitution may benecessary.6.    Alter your behaviour: explain to the person you offended how you plan to alter your behaviour in the future. 7.    Ask for forgiveness (and allow the other person time). (Forgiveness is one of the most valuable gifts possible. It is very important to understand true Forgiveness, before giving it. A part of Forgiveness is a promise never to again raise the issue against the person! (That can be very tough to uphold).Sex Addict - this applies to you: "If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction" — DietrichBonhoefferGet some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,Support the show

Ep 291 Peacewarts: Resonant Charms - The Power of the Pause (Class 8) In class 8, we analyze silence as a physical and diplomatic requirement for peace. We traverse history from Mandela's Robben Island council to the 1986 Reykjavik Summit and the Good Friday Agreement. We introduce a tactical syllabus of silence, including the 90-second window, the two-interpreter rule used by UN Blue Helmets, and the Japanese concept of Ma. Homework: Look up the Gottman Institute's 90-Second Rule or the Japanese concept of Ma and find how they use silence to show respect. Write down one question about any of this episode's topics. If you don't have a question, write 'no question.' Optional: Journal about using the email delay or 90-second window in your own life. Books: If you'd like to read more on this subject, some book suggestions areThe Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh, which beautifully details the spiritual and practical power of absolute silence and deep listening as essential tools for clarity in family and community life, and Silence: In the Age of Noise by Erling Kagge, a brief, impactful text exploring how strategic pauses and quietude allow us to process truth and override reactionary reflexes. Learning Topics: The Silencio Charm; Mandela's Robben Island Rule; The 1986 Reykjavik Reset; The 90-Second Window; The Three-Breath Rule; The Two-Interpreter Rule; Japanese Ma; The Good Friday Agreement Adjournments. Join the Community / Get the Books: AvisKalfsbeek.com Podcast Music: Javier Peke Rodriguez “I am late, madame Curie”https://javierpekerodriguez.bandcamp.com/

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To attract someone honest, you don't need to be honest. You need to be a space that can hold honesty. That distinction — the match, not the mirror — is one of a dozen reframes in this conversation that will quietly rearrange how you think about love. Adam Roa is a poet, artist, and coach whose spoken word performance "You Are Who You've Been Looking For" became the most viral poetry performance in history — over 250 million views. But the man behind the poem spent years unable to express emotion at all, raised in a home where feelings weren't safe. His new book, Crazy Love, opens his actual journals from nearly two decades of searching for love, finding it, losing it, and putting himself back together. In this episode, Adam and Michael go deep into: — The mechanics of masculine and feminine energy — and the two karmic wounds ("I am not enough" / "I am too much") that every relationship will eventually force you to face — Why the Gottman Institute found that couples together fifty years are still fighting about the same things they fought about on their first dates — and why that's actually the key to lasting love — The "goddess time" problem: what to do when your partner's relationship to time (or anything else) triggers you — and how to build agreements instead of resentment — Why your triggers in dating are rarely about the thing itself — the body count, the lateness — and how to gather the data that actually matters — Creativity as life force: why your unique frequency is the most healing thing you can offer the world, and how to find the clues your soul has left you — The practice behind the virality: how showing up to create, over and over, without needing to know where it leads, is what makes you ready when the moment arrives Adam also performs two poems in full — including the one that reached a quarter of a billion people. "Vulnerability is the gateway to connection. If we are seeking connection — to each other, to ourselves, and to life itself — we have to be willing to be vulnerable through the authentic expression of our creative energy." — Adam Roa Adam's book Crazy Love is available now. Find Adam at adamroa.com and on Instagram @adam.roa. Michael Trainer has spent 30 years learning from Nobel laureates, neuroscientists, and wisdom keepers worldwide. He's the author of RESONANCE: The Art and Science of Human Connection (March 31, 2026), co-creator of Global Citizen and the Global Citizen Festival, and host of the RESONANCE podcast.Featured in Forbes, Inc, Good Morning America. Follow on YouTube

Reconnection after losing a spouse starts with one overlooked truth — and most men who lost their wives have never heard it. Research from the Gottman Institute found that couples who stay emotionally connected don't have fewer problems. They simply turn toward each other more often in the small moments. A comment noticed. A question asked. A moment of reaching out that gets met instead of missed. Ezra doesn't need a grand gesture to begin rebuilding his life. He needs a bid. A small, honest reach toward something that matters — his own purpose, his own presence, a conversation he's been avoiding. In this episode, Ron "Simplified" Myers walks through what reconnection actually looks like for a man in the Rewrite season — not with a partner, but with himself, with his life, and with the future he hasn't given himself permission to want yet. The bids are still there. Small ones. Daily ones. This episode is about learning to see them — and choosing to make them. Get the Rewrite The Story book at https://books.by/simplified-uplifters-publishing Join the Uplifting Life Partners community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/simplifieduplifterscommunity And most important — remember, you are extraordinary. reconnection after loss, widower rebuilding, Rewrite The Story, Ron Simplified Myers, Simplified Uplifters, grief after losing wife, moving forward after loss, widower healing, men and grief, emotional reconnection, rebuilding after loss, identity after loss, widower YouTube, grief and purpose, men rebuilding after loss, Gottman bids for connection, emotional healing men, grief podcast, life after loss, widower

How do we choose love over fear when relationships get hard? Welcome to today's ICYMI, where we kick off the week with a quick game-changing tip from an episode that you might have missed.  This advice from Trevor Hanson will guide you through common communication landmines, why fear is the #1 killer of relationships, and how to move through fear by accessing our primary emotions and communicating without self-protection. I'm joined by Trevor Hanson, a marriage and family therapist who has helped thousands of individuals and couples heal attachment wounds and build secure, connected, confident relationships. His work has been featured by the Gottman Institute, and he's the founder of The Art of Healing, where he teaches frameworks for transforming insecurity into emotional safety. Listen to our full episode with Trevor here. Tune in every Monday for an expert dose of life advice in under 10 minutes. Follow Trevor on Instagram Trevor's website: https://theartofhealingbytrevor.com For advertising and sponsorship inquiries, please contact Frequency Podcast Network. Subscribe to my Substack:teachmehowtoadult.substack.comFollow us on the ‘gram:@teachmehowtoadultmedia@gillian.bernerFollow on TikTok: @teachmehowtoadultSubscribe on YouTube

Feeling safe in a relationship isn't just about talking things through—it's about what happens deep within our bodies. When emotional wounds strike or betrayals occur, the impact is felt not only in the heart but in the nervous system, shifting how we experience and respond to our partners. Real healing goes beyond surface-level dialogue and requires us to understand how our physiological state shapes our sense of security, trust, and connection. In this episode, listeners are guided to rethink emotional safety as a whole-body experience. By unpacking the link between the nervous system and relationship repair, the discussion provides science-backed insights and actionable strategies to rebuild trust and connection after relational harm. Whether you're seeking healing after a rupture or tools for ongoing growth, this episode offers a fresh, embodied perspective on what it takes to create lasting emotional safety. Dr. Monique Thompson is a trauma-informed therapist, life coach, and best-selling author with over two decades of clinical experience. Her work integrates Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Brainspotting, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Polyvagal-informed care, and principles of epigenetics to help individuals and couples heal trauma, rebuild trust, and create lasting emotional regulation and resilience.   Episode Highlights 03:56 Reflecting on healing through a car wreck metaphor. 09:09 Exploring Jill Bo Taylor's groundbreaking insights. 15:37 Exploring modern infidelity in relationships. 17:57 Exploring complex relationship dynamics and boundaries. 20:25 Addressing hidden relationship issues. 24:38 Exploring the hidden mental health benefits of walking. 28:35 Exploring color connections to mood during walks. 31:51 Reflecting on and expressing gratitude with loved ones. 36:12 Decoding therapy lingo and referral insights. 39:36 Navigating decisions with trauma awareness. 43:34 Navigating healing after childhood trauma. 48:58 Exploring stress and its hidden effects. 50:29 Exploring the concept of emotional hygiene. 53:32 Discovering unexpected insights from partners who cheated. 57:04 Exploring relationship growth resources.   Your Checklist of Actions to Take Pause and Breathe: Take a moment of pause with deep breaths to settle yourself and become present before addressing relationship issues. Self-Inquiry: Regularly check in with your deeper feelings and truths, beyond your immediate surface reactions, to get clarity on your emotional state. Take Ownership: If you've contributed to a rupture, take personal responsibility and reflect on the most obvious way you can begin repair, such as ending harmful behaviors. Prioritize Emotional Check-ins: After a rupture or betrayal, consistently check in emotionally with both yourself and your partner to stay aware of what you both need. Spend Time in Nature: Set aside at least 11 minutes outside, either walking or sitting, to help lower stress levels and support nervous system regulation. Engage in Movement: Use mindful walks of 30-45 minutes to process emotions and shift your physiological state toward calm and self-connection. Invite Supportive Companions: Bring to mind or reach out to someone who has supported you in the past, letting their positive influence help regulate your emotions. Seek Professional Guidance: If trauma or recurring ruptures persist, consult a trauma-informed therapist or coach, asking for specific referrals rather than relying on generic online searches.   Mentioned Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) My stroke of insight (TED) (video) Helen Fisher (website) Polyvagal Theory (website) Gottman Institute (website) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Depression 12 Relationship Principles to Strengthen Your Love (free guide)   Connect with Dr. Monique Thompson Website: doctormoniquethompson.com Facebook: facebook.com/MoniqueThompsonLPC YouTube: youtube.com/@mthompsonlpc Instagram: instagram.com/drmoniquethompson LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/dr-monique-thompson-dha-lpc-lpc-s-a3066041  

Send us Fan MailYour home doesn't need a “perfect dad” to feel steady, but it does need a present one. Casey sits down again with Colin Henderson for 2nd time as a guest on the podcast.  Today, they have a very candid conversation that moves from co-parenting realities to the daily relationship habits that most of us ignore until things start to break. Colin shares what changed after a major life transition, what he learned while mending a broken heart, and what it takes to keep showing up for your kids with consistency and care. We dig into the real mechanics of healthy relationships: why unmet needs turn into resentment, how poor communication creates distance, and how childhood conditioning and attachment styles quietly steer adult conflict. Colin pulls from the Gottman Institute research and lays out the “Four Horsemen” that poison connection, then replaces them with a better system built on empathy, curiosity, and honest check-ins. We also talk about masculinity in 2026, emotional intelligence for dads, and why “strength under control” might be the leadership upgrade families are craving. You'll also hear practical, no-nonsense advice on invisible labor and the mental load at home, plus book recommendations like Black Belt Husband. Colin closes by sharing The Oz Method, his new book on the psychology of influence and behavior change, and why dads and leaders should care about what actually moves people to change. If you got value from this, subscribe, share this with a dad who needs it, and leave a quick review so more families can find the show.Support the showPlease don't forget to leave us a review wherever you consume your podcasts!  Please help us get more dads to listen weekly and become the ultimate leader of their homes! 

Welcome to the podcast! In this episode, Sara and Anna are back after a little recording pause, with Sara bringing her post-yoga-retreat glow from sunny Spain and a few reflections on what happens when we step away from everyday noise, screens and routines. There's sunshine, yoga under a Bedouin tent, cello music, middle-aged women drinking wine before morning yoga, and the reminder that real-life connection still matters more than anything we can find on a screen. Love Desk This week's Love Desk brings a wedding story none of us would want to live through. Sara shares the recent story of a bride in Kent who was reportedly covered in black paint by her sister-in-law moments before walking down the aisle. Despite the shock, the bride changed dresses and still went ahead with the ceremony. Sara and Anna discuss: • family feuds and the damage they can cause • what it means to start married life with unresolved family tension • the resilience it must have taken to carry on • why sometimes the “high road” is the only road left And yes, as two engaged women, they are both horrified. Hot Topic: The 35-Minute Marriage Problem The main discussion explores research suggesting that many couples spend hours in each other's company each week, but only around 35 minutes in meaningful conversation. Sara and Anna chat about how this happens so quietly. Not through one big dramatic moment, but through the slow creep of everyday life. Work. Children. Screens. Tiredness. Logistics. Dinner in front of the TV. Messages about who is picking up what, rather than real chats about how you both are. They explore: • the difference between being together and truly connecting • why scrolling can become a way of numbing out • how holidays often show us what we are missing • why transactional conversations can quietly take over • the difference between comfortable silence and heavy silence • how to start rebuilding connection with small, low-pressure steps Sara shares that connection often starts with awareness. You cannot change a pattern you have not noticed yet. Anna reflects on how difficult it can feel when a couple has fallen out of the habit of chatting properly. Sometimes there are too many emotional landmines, and even simple topics feel risky. Their advice is to start small. Create screen-free time. Choose safe topics. Talk about something low-stakes. Share something from your day, even if your partner does not share the same interest. The point is not always the topic. The point is the reaching out. Listener Question How do you know the difference between a rough patch in a relationship and a sign that you're genuinely growing apart? Sara and Anna explore the difference between a difficult season and a deeper relationship shift. A rough patch may still have love, willingness and a desire to find your way back. Growing apart can feel more like emotional distance, loss of intimacy, or the sense that you no longer know how to reach each other. They also discuss the Gottman Institute's Four Horsemen: • criticism • contempt • defensiveness • stonewalling Contempt gets particular attention, because it can be one of the clearest warning signs that respect has been badly damaged. Eye rolling, humiliation, disgust, public put-downs and silent resentment can all point to something deeper than everyday frustration. But they also reflect on the importance of getting support before making big decisions from inside the fog of hurt, resentment or disconnection. Sometimes the relationship is over. Sometimes there is still love there, but it has been buried under tiredness, disappointment and old patterns. The key is to get honest, get curious, and look at what is really happening beneath the surface. Final Thought Connection is not built in grand gestures. It is built in small, steady moments. The little chats. The safe topics. The willingness to try again. The choice to look up from the phone. The decision to turn towards each other, even when it feels a bit awkward at first. As Sara says, in the tougher times, it helps to remember how much you still love each other, and how good it can be. Get in touch Sara Liddle info@inflori.co.uk www.inflori.co.uk Anna Stratis coachdocanna@gmail.com www.coachdocanna.com

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 3036: Dr. Kathy McMahon explores how emotional invalidation quietly damages trust, intimacy, and self-esteem in relationships. Drawing on the Gottmans' stress-reducing conversation technique, she explains how small daily conversations can help couples feel emotionally safe, heard, and supported while revealing deeper unhealthy communication patterns that may need professional attention. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.couplestherapyinc.com/invalidating-feelings-try-a-stress-reducing-conversation/ Quotes to ponder: "The listener doesn't have to solve the problem. They simply need to be present, pay attention, and try to understand and empathize." "Feelings are invalidated when they are deemed worthless, or unimportant." "The goal is to provide an opportunity to practice supportive and encouraging talks." Episode references: The Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What do you do when you're willing to work on the relationship, but your spouse won't attend therapy?This is one of the most painful dynamics I see in clinical work—because healing often feels stalled when one person is carrying the emotional labor alone. But while you cannot control someone else's willingness, you can begin shifting the relational system through boundaries, emotional regulation, clearer communication, and self-awareness.One research-backed framework I often reference is Dr. John Gottman's “Four Horsemen” of destructive communication: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—patterns that can quietly erode connection over time. Learning to spot them is a powerful first step toward healthier dialogue.Read more here: The Gottman Institute's Four Horsemen articleIf this conversation resonates with your story, I'd love to support your healing journey.✨ Counseling + resources: Moved by Grace Counseling

What happens when the stress of parenting slowly replaces the friendship, intimacy, and teamwork that once held a marriage together? For many couples, the transition into parenthood introduces emotional exhaustion, communication breakdowns, and daily tension that quietly reshapes the atmosphere of the home. Research consistently shows that marital satisfaction often declines after children enter the picture, leaving many families struggling to maintain emotional connection while navigating the demands of everyday life. According to research from the Gottman Institute, approximately 66% to 70% of married couples experience a significant decline in marital satisfaction within the first three years after having children. Additional findings suggest that nearly 47% of parents admit they remain together primarily for the sake of their children despite feeling emotionally disconnected from one another. These realities highlight how unresolved conflict, chronic stress, and ineffective communication can quietly transform the emotional climate of a household. At the same time, families overwhelmingly recognize the importance of emotional connection and partnership inside the home. Research from the Pew Research Center found that nearly 70% of American parents consider open communication and emotional connection “very important” to a successful marriage. Additionally, 62% of married adults identified sharing household responsibilities as a major contributor to marital satisfaction and long-term relationship stability. In this insightful and deeply practical episode, relational counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist Jan Talen shares how families can move from emotional chaos to emotional calm through intentional communication, relational awareness, and practical behavioral tools. Drawing from more than 35 years of counseling experience, Jan introduces listeners to the “DNA Way to Communicate,” a framework designed to help couples rebuild unity, reduce conflict, and create a calmer emotional environment for both marriage and parenting. Through her “Family Crazy to Family Calm” approach, Jan explains how couples can begin by clearly defining the desires and dreams they have for their marriage and family, learning the necessary relational skills required to strengthen connection, and intentionally applying those skills in everyday life. Her work focuses on helping couples become a steady, united parenting team while creating space for wisdom, emotional safety, and long-term relational health inside the home. This conversation explores the realities many couples quietly face after children enter the picture, the emotional cost of unresolved tension within a household, and why calm communication is often one of the greatest gifts parents can offer both their marriage and their children. Jan also discusses the importance of practical emotional skills, integrating spiritual principles when desired, and helping families create sustainable habits that foster emotional resilience and lasting connection. Whether your household feels overwhelmed by stress, strained by communication challenges, or simply disconnected from the peace you once envisioned for your family, this episode offers practical guidance, hope, and actionable tools for creating healthier relationships and a calmer home environment.     For more information: https://www.usandkids.com/ Take the Quiz: https://info.focusonthefamily.ca/marriage-assessment Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If your fear of rejection has ever stopped you from reaching out, starting a conversation, or putting yourself out there… this episode is going to challenge everything you think you know.In this episode, I break down the science behind rejection and why you're actually not getting rejected nearly as much as you think. Using research from Stanford, insights from the Gottman Institute, and the work of friendship expert Marisa Franco, you'll see how your brain is exaggerating the risk of rejection—and how that fear is quietly holding you back from the friendships you actually want.Get your "12 Questions to Ask Before You End the Friendship" Guide for FREE here!Support the showWant to work with Zoe 1-on-1 for personalized friendship coaching for that extra push and source of accountability? Zoe has limited slots available on a rolling basis, so please email contact@accidentallyintentional.com (subject line: COACH ME) and the team will be in touch with next steps!Subscribe to the Leveled Up Friendships YouTube channel!

When a White House shooting is met with memes and NBA highlights, it signals a historic collapse of the social contract. As trust in government hits a record low in 2025, we analyze Pew Research data and apply Gottman Institute relationship repair techniques to understand the rise of American apathy.Someone shot at the White House. The public reaction? Jokes. Memes. A quick scroll, then back to the NBA playoffs. Nobody believes anything anymore. We're not shocked. And that might be the most dangerous thing happening in America right now.In this Episode, Dr. Marjorie and Michael (educators, co-parents navigate parenting after divorce) dig into what it means to raise kids in a broken system during a full democracy crisis. From Jane Mayer's Dark Money to what we teach kids about trust when leadership fails, this co-parenting podcast moves from the national to the intimate.If you're tired of politics, overwhelmed by politics, or have simply stopped caring — political burnout is real. But so is the cost of checking out when you're raising kids in uncertain times with co-parenting different values.Can broken trust be repaired? Dr. Marjorie and Michael use their own co-parenting relationship as the template. The answer is more complicated than you think.

he promise of the Mishkan end with: “I will not be disgusted by you”?Why introduce rejection in the middle of love?Most human dysfunction begins with one fear:“If you really knew me, you would leave.”In this shiur, delivered in Tomer Devorah, Rav Burg explores: • the psychology of shame • why human beings hide • the fear beneath perfectionism, defensiveness, people-pleasing, anger, addiction, and withdrawal • the Gottman Institute's concept of contempt as the destroyer of attachment • Adam HaRishon's first reaction to sin: hiding • and the radically different relationship Hashem offers humanity:“I already see everything and I am still here.”The Mishkan is not merely a place where Hashem dwells. It is the destruction of shame itself.

"I spent five years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her." That one sentence, written by Bryan Reeves, has been read by tens of millions of people. On this episode of Men Talking Mindfulness, hosts Jon Macaskill and Will Schneider sit down with Bryan... former U.S. Air Force captain, relationship coach, and author of the book Choose Her Every Day or Leave Her... to talk about what men actually get wrong in their relationships and what it takes to fix it.Bryan gets into the paradox at the center of every committed relationship... the need to care deeply about your partner while also holding onto yourself. He talks about why so many men bounce between total sacrifice and total detachment, why "what would serve we?" is the most powerful question a couple can ask, and why connection time is not productive time, even though every mission-oriented bone in your body says otherwise.Jon and Bryan go deep on the two fears that show up in men over and over again... "I'm not worthy of love" and "I'm going to mess this up." They get into how those fears drive the shame cycle in relationships and how mindfulness is the practice that interrupts it. Bryan shares a story about studying the Tao Te Ching while being completely unable to apply any of it in his own relationship. Twenty-five years later, he can. The difference is reps.They also talk about when leaving is the most loving choice, why men need men's work that isn't just beer and football, and why learning to play again matters more than most men realize.What you'll hear in this episode:Why "checking the box" on your relationship is slowly killing itThe paradox of caring and not caring at the same timeThe two core fears men bring to relationships and how they feed the shame cycleHow mindfulness gives you access to repair after a fightWhy the Gottman Institute says arguing past ten minutes is pointlessWhen leaving in love is the right choiceWhy men's work and play are connected to being a better partner and parentBryan's book: Choose Her Every Day or Leave Her Bryan's website: bryanreeves.com (Bryan with a Y) Bryan's programs: Elevate Your Relationship, Elevate 2026 (annual men's group)Jon and Will's new course is coming out soon... sign up here to stay in the loop https://focusnowtraining.com/a2a-course-interestSign up for our newsletter... text MTM to 33777.Jon's new book, DIAL in Your Leadership: 4 Non-negotiables for Leading with Clarity, Trust, and Purpose, is available now on Amazon. https://a.co/d/0hYwI2SzFollow Men Talking Mindfulness, Jon Macaskill, and Will Schneider for more.Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

You know the moment. She comes at you with heat — frustrated, hurt, disappointed, or just a lot — and something inside you freezes.Maybe you start minimizing her experience ("It's not that bad"; "You're exaggerating"). Or you lawyer up ("Well but you also said ____" or "That's not what I meant; if you'd just listen while I explained..."). Or you look present, but you're not.It's one of the most common patterns we see in hetero relationships. And the story we've been told about why it happens is mostly wrong.Here, Jason and I dig into what's actually going on when her intensity floods you — and surprising research on this. For example, we still, as a culture, have a story that boys are "strong" and girls are "sensitive," but the Still Face Experiment found that baby boys are actually more emotionally reactive than baby girls, and more dependent on maternal attunement to come back to regulation.Add in the fact that boys receive less comforting touch than girls — more functional, directive touch, less "I've got you" — and by the time you're a grown man, you often don't quite know what it feels like to be truly held. Which means you don't quite know how to hold her. Plus, the Gottman Institute has found that it actually takes a flooded man 20 minutes to come back into presence.Then we get into what actually works. Spoiler: it's not white-knuckling your way through.We also name something critical: none of this is about tolerating emotional abuse. If your partner's intensity is off the charts and the pattern never shifts no matter how present you get — it's time to listen to our episodes on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).If you've ever looked at your partner mid-conflict and thought I don't know what to do right now or This isn't working; it's just escalating— this one's for you.---Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Mentioned on this episode:Our Generating Polarity in Dating! masterclass coming up on May 29th. Register at: www.melaniecurtin.com/masterclassOur Borderline Personality Disorder episodes: 128 (start here), 313, 345, 354 & 373 (a 2-part series)Memorable quotes from this episode:"Receiving comfort is actually often a struggle for me.""Sometimes the body is activated while the mind suppresses awareness of it.""What are you grounding into?""It's better to tell her you can't be present right now than pretend like you can.""'I'm flooded. I can't receive you the way I want to right now. I need a 20-minute timeout. And then I want to come back.'""It's not about becoming an invulnerable robot that can handle intensity forever.""The more held you are, the more you can hold her.""Investing in other men is the single best investment you can make in your life.""It's like plugging into a source of clean energy you didn't even know was available.""'I had never experienced safe love in that way before.'"

Whether you're married, dating, or flying solo, Dr. Nicole McNichols has some sex advice for you. And you may want to pay attention because McNichols is not only the professor of University of Washington's most sought-after class in its history, she's one of social media's most popular educators on the topic of sex. Pulling from her book, You Could Be Having Better Sex, McNichols shares the latest data that shows good sex is one of the most powerful and effective sources of joy. Good sex, McNichols argues, is a gateway to better health, stronger relationships, and the diverse forms of self-actualization we all crave. And yet, the data suggests that good sex is not happening as often as it could. So how do we start having better sex? As a renowned human sexuality expert, McNichols explains through data how to elevate our sex life through practical tools and relatable case studies. She offers all of it with a gender and orientation inclusive, pleasure-forward perspective. Covering everything from sexual anatomy to orgasm and response, hook-up culture, long-term relationships, ethical non-monogamy, kink, pornography, and consent, McNichols emphasizes a holistic philosophy that eliminates shame and stigma. She aims to normalize open and frank conversations and illustrate how connected sex is a pathway to self-awareness, self-expression, true thriving, and happiness. McNichols wants you to know just how important good sex is, and that she has the advice on how to get it. Dr. Nicole McNichols is an internationally renowned human sexuality professor, author, and speaker whose groundbreaking course, The Diversity of Human Sexuality, is the most popular in the history of the University of Washington, enrolling over 4,000 students annually. Dr. Nicole McNichols received her undergraduate degree from Cornell University and completed her master's in psychology at NYU and PhD in social psychology at the University of Washington. She currently lives in the Seattle area with her husband and three children. Dr. Julie Gottman is a highly respected licensed clinical psychologist and educator and the co-founder of the Gottman Institute. She is sought internationally as an expert advisor on marriage, the treatment of trauma and affairs, sexual harassment and rape, domestic violence, same-sex marriage, and gay and lesbian parenting. She is author or co-author of many books, including best-sellers like Fight Right, The Love Prescription, and Eight Dates, as well as The New Marriage Clinic, and The Marriage Clinic Casebook, Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, The Man's Guide To Women, and And Baby Makes Three. Buy the Book You Could Be Having Better Sex: The Definitive Guide to a Happier, Healthier, and Hotter Sex Life Third Place Books

Thanks to our Partners, NAPA Auto Care and NAPA TRACS Watch Full Video Episode Recorded live at VISION 2026, host Carm Capriotto and Matt Fanslow explore how lessons from marriage counseling can improve communication in auto repair shops. The core discussion centers on Matt's article for NAPA Auto Care's Insight Magazine, “Your Shop Might Need Marriage Counseling,” and the industry's gap in soft skills. His central argument is simple: most automotive professionals were never taught effective communication or soft skills. In the past, shop culture often relied on public criticism or shame to correct mistakes. Today, that approach backfires, especially for younger technicians, who are more likely to disengage or “quietly quit” in that kind of environment. Matt proposes a different approach: applying communication techniques commonly used in therapy to everyday shop interactions. Drawing from the Gottman Institute, Matt outlines common communication pitfalls: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and how they show up daily in shop environments. Key solutions include: Validating feelings, especially with anxious customersCoaching without shame, addressing mistakes privately with supportSeeking outside perspective, using coaches or therapists to uncover blind spots Finally, both Carm and Matt challenge the stigma around seeking outside help. They encourage shop leaders to work with coaches, counselors, or therapists to uncover blind spots and improve their leadership approach. Far from being a weakness, asking for help is framed as a sign of strength and self-awareness. The goal isn't to turn shops into therapy sessions; it's to make small, intentional changes in how people communicate every day. The payoff? Fewer emotional blowups, stronger team culture, and customers who feel safe, heard, and respected. Download Matt Fanslow's Full Article: https://remarkableresults.biz/download/45724/?tmstv=1775829579 VISION Hi-Tech Training and Expo: https://visionkc.com/ Matt Fanslow, Riverside Automotive, Red Wing, MN, Diagnosing the Aftermarket A to Z Podcast: https://mattfanslow.captivate.fm/ Thanks to our Partners, NAPA Auto Care and NAPA TRACS Learn more about NAPA Auto Care and the benefits of being part of the NAPA family by visiting https://www.napaonline.com/en/auto-care NAPA TRACS will move your shop into the SMS fast lane with onsite training and six days a week of support and local representation. Find NAPA TRACS on the Web at http://napatracs.com/ Connect with the Podcast: - Follow on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RemarkableResultsRadioPodcast/ - Join Our Virtual Toastmasters Club: https://remarkableresults.biz/toastmasters - Join Our Private Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1734687266778976 - Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/carmcapriotto - Follow on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carmcapriotto/ - Follow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/remarkableresultsradiopodcast/ - Visit the Website: https://remarkableresults.biz/ - Join our Insider List: https://remarkableresults.biz/insider - All books mentioned on our podcasts: https://remarkableresults.biz/books - Our Classroom page for personal or team learning: https://remarkableresults.biz/classroom - Buy Me a Coffee: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/carm - Special episode collections: https://remarkableresults.biz/collections - The Automotive Repair Podcast Network: https://automotiverepairpodcastnetwork.com/ - Remarkable Results Radio Podcast with Carm Capriotto: Advancing the Aftermarket by Facilitating Wisdom Through Story Telling and Open Discussion. https://remarkableresults.biz/ - Diagnosing the Aftermarket A to Z with Matt Fanslow: From Diagnostics to Metallica and Mental Health, Matt Fanslow is Lifting the Hood on Life. https://mattfanslow.captivate.fm/ - Business by the Numbers with Hunt Demarest: Understand the Numbers of Your Business with CPA Hunt Demarest. https://huntdemarest.captivate.fm/ - The Auto Repair Marketing Podcast with Kim and Brian Walker: Marketing Experts Brian & Kim Walker Work with Shop Owners to Take it to the Next Level. https://autorepairmarketing.captivate.fm/ - The Weekly Blitz with Chris Cotton: Weekly Inspiration with Business Coach Chris Cotton from AutoFix - Auto Shop Coaching. https://chriscotton.captivate.fm/ - Speak Up! Effective Communication with Craig O'Neill:...

Thanks to our Partners, NAPA Auto Care and NAPA TRACS Watch Full Video EpisodeRecorded live at VISION 2026, host Carm Capriotto and Matt Fanslow explore how lessons from marriage counseling can improve communication in auto repair shops.The core discussion centers on Matt's article for NAPA Auto Care's Insight Magazine, “Your Shop Might Need Marriage Counseling,” and the industry's gap in soft skills. His central argument is simple: most automotive professionals were never taught effective communication or soft skills. In the past, shop culture often relied on public criticism or shame to correct mistakes. Today, that approach backfires, especially for younger technicians, who are more likely to disengage or “quietly quit” in that kind of environment.Matt proposes a different approach: applying communication techniques commonly used in therapy to everyday shop interactions.Drawing from the Gottman Institute, Matt outlines common communication pitfalls: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and how they show up daily in shop environments.Key solutions include:Validating feelings, especially with anxious customersCoaching without shame, addressing mistakes privately with supportSeeking outside perspective, using coaches or therapists to uncover blind spotsFinally, both Carm and Matt challenge the stigma around seeking outside help. They encourage shop leaders to work with coaches, counselors, or therapists to uncover blind spots and improve their leadership approach. Far from being a weakness, asking for help is framed as a sign of strength and self-awareness.The goal isn't to turn shops into therapy sessions; it's to make small, intentional changes in how people communicate every day. The payoff? Fewer emotional blowups, stronger team culture, and customers who feel safe, heard, and respected.Download Matt Fanslow's Full Article: https://remarkableresults.biz/download/45724/?tmstv=1775829579VISION Hi-Tech Training and Expo: https://visionkc.com/Matt Fanslow, Riverside Automotive, Red Wing, MN, Diagnosing the Aftermarket A to Z Podcast: https://mattfanslow.captivate.fm/Thanks to our Partners, NAPA Auto Care and NAPA TRACS Learn more about NAPA Auto Care and the benefits of being part of the NAPA family by visiting https://www.napaonline.com/en/auto-care NAPA TRACS will move your shop into the SMS fast lane with onsite training and six days a week of support and local representation. Find NAPA TRACS on the Web at http://napatracs.com/ Connect with the Podcast: - Follow on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RemarkableResultsRadioPodcast/ - Join Our Virtual Toastmasters Club: https://remarkableresults.biz/toastmasters - Join Our Private Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1734687266778976 - Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/carmcapriotto - Follow on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carmcapriotto/ - Follow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/remarkableresultsradiopodcast/ - Visit the Website: https://remarkableresults.biz/ - Join our Insider List: https://remarkableresults.biz/insider - All books mentioned on our podcasts: https://remarkableresults.biz/books - Our Classroom page for personal or team learning: https://remarkableresults.biz/classroom - Buy Me a Coffee: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/carm - Special episode collections: https://remarkableresults.biz/collections - The Automotive Repair Podcast Network: https://automotiverepairpodcastnetwork.com/ - Remarkable Results Radio Podcast with Carm Capriotto: Advancing the Aftermarket by Facilitating Wisdom Through Story Telling and Open Discussion. https://remarkableresults.biz/ - Diagnosing the Aftermarket A to Z with Matt Fanslow: From Diagnostics to Metallica and Mental Health, Matt Fanslow is Lifting the Hood on Life. https://mattfanslow.captivate.fm/ - Business by the Numbers with Hunt Demarest: Understand the Numbers of Your Business with CPA Hunt Demarest. https://huntdemarest.captivate.fm/ - The Auto Repair Marketing Podcast with Kim and Brian Walker: Marketing Experts Brian & Kim Walker Work with Shop Owners to Take it to the Next Level. https://autorepairmarketing.captivate.fm/ - The Weekly Blitz with Chris Cotton: Weekly Inspiration with Business Coach Chris Cotton from AutoFix - Auto Shop Coaching. https://chriscotton.captivate.fm/ - Speak Up! Effective Communication with Craig O'Neill: Develop Interpersonal and Professional Communication Skills when Speaking to Audiences of Any Size. https://craigoneill.captivate.fm

Have you heard of the Gottman Institute? The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a wildly popular relationship book and it has plenty of fantastic insights. However, some of the research and case studies could use some updating. In this episode, we take a close look at conflict while keeping in mind the weight of emotional labor and the impacts of patriarchy.Mentioned:The Seven Principls for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman PhDThe Autism Partner Handbook: How to Love an Autistic Person by Joe Biel, Dr. Faith G. Harper and Elly BlueThe Autism Relationships Handbook: How to Thrive in Friendships, Dating, and Love by Joe Biel and Dr. Faith G. HarperIn this episode:Relationship conflict patterns and Gottman's researchGendered communication and systemic issuesNeurodivergence and emotional regulation in relationshipsGet resources, ad-free episodes, and more at timetoleanpod.substack.comOrder No More Mediocre: A Call To Reimagine Our Relationships And Demand MoreFollow Laura: @thatdarnchat | thatdarnchat.substack.comFollow Crystal: @itscrystalbritt | itscrystalbritt.substack.comSubscribe, rate, and share to help others find the showIf you or someone you know needs support: The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 800-799-7233Themes: relationship dynamics, conflict resolution, Gottman Institute, gender theory, neurodivergence, communication, mental load, emotional labor, systemic gender issues, relationship advice Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Venting used to just be what friends did. Now it feels like a social minefield; and we can't seem to agree on whether it's a sign of closeness or a boundary violation. You've probably caught yourself mid-vent wondering, am I being too much right now? Or maybe you're on the other side, nodding along while silently drowning in your friend's update about her boss for the fourth time this month.Danielle sits down with licensed therapist Amanda White, the voice behind @therapyforwomen and co-host of the Nuance Needed podcast, to break down what's actually happening when we vent, when it tips into co-rumination or trauma dumping, and why we've gotten so weird about a friendship behavior that used to be second nature. If you've ever wondered whether you're allowed to bring your hard stuff to your friends anymore, this one's for you.

In 2026 the divorce rate is still hovering around 60% — but it's not because of one big blow-up. It's because of six common marriage myths that sound logical but quietly destroy connection. In this deep-dive episode of Married and Connected, marriage coach Kameran dismantles each myth with the truth in the same breath, pulling from The Gottman Institute, Brené Brown, Dr. Andrea Vitz, Vanessa Marin, and Julie Menanno of The Secure Relationship.You'll hear:• Why “kids come first” is quietly sabotaging marriages (and what actually helps kids most)• The real problem with treating love languages like a magic fix• Why individual self-help isn't enough — you need couple practice• Why active listening during conflict often fails — and what builds real communication• The danger of expecting your partner to “complete” you• Why staying and doing the work is often better for kids than divorceRooted in real-life parenting, eight years coaching hundreds of couples (93% success rate), and faith-based wisdom, this episode gives you immediate, practical ways to drop the myths and build the marriage you actually want.If you're tired of roommate syndrome and ready for real connection again, this is your turning point.Book your FREE 30-minute consultation today — no pressure, just honest guidance on 1:1 coaching, couples coaching, or my Skool community.In the Skool community, men learn healthy, strong masculinity at home and women learn soft, feminine strength as a Proverbs 31 wife.

The #1 thing missing in most marriages isn't sex or romance — it's friendship. Learn research-backed tools from The Gottman Institute, Brené Brown, Dr. Andrea Vitz, Vanessa Marin, and Julie Menanno to rebuild friendship and bring desire back — from everyday connection all the way to the bedroom.Description:Most couples don't drift apart because of big fights — they drift because friendship quietly disappears under kids, jobs, chores, and endless demands. In this deep-dive episode of Married and Connected, marriage coach Kameran Alareqi reveals why friendship is the hidden foundation of lasting connection, passion, and even great sex.Backed by The Gottman Institute (friendship predicts sexual satisfaction), Brené Brown (vulnerability builds trust), Dr. Andrea Vitz (emotional sobriety), Vanessa Marin (responsive desire starts with friendship), and Julie Menanno of The Secure Relationship (secure attachment tools), you'll get four brand-new, practical tools you can start tonight:Rebuild your Love Maps so you truly know each other againThe Vulnerability Share that creates secure emotional safetyThe Emotional Sobriety Pause that protects friendship in hard momentsFriendship to Flame — turning everyday connection into bedroom sparkRooted in real-life parenting and marriage, eight years coaching hundreds of couples (93% success rate), and faith-based wisdom, this episode gives immediate steps for “rebuild friendship in marriage,” “how to feel like best friends again with kids,” “emotional connection to physical intimacy,” and more.If you're tired of feeling like roommates and ready to feel like friends and lovers again, this is your turning point.Book your FREE 30-minute consultation today — no pressure, just honest guidance on 1:1 coaching, couples coaching, or my Skool community.In the Skool community, men learn healthy, strong masculinity at home and women learn soft, feminine strength as a Proverbs 31 wife.

Is your marriage stuck where everything else — kids' schedules, work, chores, the dog, bills — always takes precedence? You crawl into bed feeling more like exhausted teammates than passionate partners, wondering, “How do I bring the spark back when life is this busy?” or “Why does marriage feel like we're just roommates?”You're not alone — and the desire you crave isn't gone forever. In this deep-dive episode of Married and Connected, marriage coach Kameran reveals the real reason desire fades for 30- to 45-year-old parents: a weak friendship when everything else takes precedence.The Gottman Institute's 40+ years of research proves it — the quality of your friendship is the #1 predictor of sexual satisfaction and lasting desire. Strong friendship means turning toward each other's tiny “bids for connection”; weak friendship means those bids get ignored, resentment builds, and passion dies — leaving you feeling invisible and more like co-parents than lovers.But friendship can be rebuilt on purpose, even in the busiest season. And when you strengthen it, desire reignites — often faster than you expect.In this episode you'll learn:• Why a weak marriage friendship is the #1 hidden killer of desire when life is nonstop (backed by Gottman research)• Daily practices that rebuild emotional safety and turn roommates back into lovers• Vanessa Marin's sex-therapist secrets for responsive desire — including “chore play,” non-sexual touch, and kissing every night with zero pressure• Dr. Andrea Vitz's emotional sobriety tools to stay present instead of reactive• A simple 7-Day Desire Reset Challenge made for exhausted, over-scheduled parentsRooted in real-life parenting, eight years coaching hundreds of couples (93% success rate), and faith-based wisdom, this episode delivers immediate steps for “how to bring the spark back when everything else takes precedence,” “reignite intimacy with kids and busy life,” “stop feeling like roommates,” and more.Tired of surviving side-by-side? Ready to thrive together again?Book your FREE 30-minute consultation today — no pressure, just an honest conversation to see if 1:1 coaching, couples coaching, or my Skool community is the right next step.In the Skool community, men learn healthy, strong masculinity at home and women learn soft, feminine strength as a Proverbs 31 wife.

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 2947: Jaime Spielmann explores how truly strong relationships aren't defined by the absence of conflict but by how couples respond to challenges together. By shifting expectations and embracing small daily acts of connection, partners can build resilience, deepen understanding, and strengthen love over time. Her perspective reveals that lasting happiness in marriage grows from consistent, intentional habits rather than grand romantic gestures. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-perfect-relationship/ Quotes to ponder: "Conflict is normal." "True "perfect" love isn't without flaws, just as life isn't without constant mistakes and learning." "Never underestimate the power of making a few small, simple changes within your relationship to develop the skills needed to make your love flourish for many years to come."

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 2947: Jaime Spielmann explores how truly strong relationships aren't defined by the absence of conflict but by how couples respond to challenges together. By shifting expectations and embracing small daily acts of connection, partners can build resilience, deepen understanding, and strengthen love over time. Her perspective reveals that lasting happiness in marriage grows from consistent, intentional habits rather than grand romantic gestures. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-perfect-relationship/ Quotes to ponder: "Conflict is normal." "True “perfect” love isn't without flaws, just as life isn't without constant mistakes and learning." "Never underestimate the power of making a few small, simple changes within your relationship to develop the skills needed to make your love flourish for many years to come." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

TRANSCRIPT Gissele: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the Love and Compassion Podcast with Gissele. We believe that love and compassion have the power to heal our lives and our world. Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more amazing content. And if you’d like to support this podcast, don’t forget to buy us a coffee at, buymeacoffee.com/loveandcompassion Gissele: Today we’re talking about relationships and my guests today are Gissele: Zeke and Terry Mead, who are empty nesters, midlife adventure travelers from the San Francisco Bay Area in 2021. After 25 years of marriage and nearly getting divorced, they accidentally rebooted their relationship and embarked on a new set of adventures. Gissele: Embracing their differences in challenging themselves to grow individually and as a couple on a daily basis. They couldn’t be more different, but they have a long history, a solid foundation, and a steadfast commitment to making it work as they travel and explore the world mostly together. Please join me in [00:01:00] welcoming Zeke and Terry Mead. Gissele: Hi. Terry: Hi. Gissele: Hello. Welcome to the show. I was wondering if you wanted to tell the listeners a little bit about how you actually met. Zeke: Terry is the one who usually does it so . Go ahead. Terry: Yeah, usually I do. we’ve known each other for 45 years. We, yeah, we both grew up in the San Francisco Bay area and when we were in elementary school, there was the gifted and talented education program gate. Terry: And all of the kids who are part of gate converged at the same school once a month, twice a month for enrichment activities. And I have an identical twin sister. And one month we showed up at a school. Zeke remembers meeting us. I don’t really remember meeting him. But a couple years later, we all went to the same junior high school. Terry: And so we were in the same classes. And in the eighth grade we went together. For about six weeks. I dumped him. That makes for a better [00:02:00] story if I say that. And then we were friends through high school and if you want the full origin story, we went to different colleges. We dated when we were 21. Terry: I dumped him again. We dated again when we were 24. I dumped him again and then we were 25. I made a list of everything that I wanted in a man for the rest of my life. And Zeke met all the criteria, except he was essentially the boy next door that I dumped three times. So then we were skiing when we were about 25 and had a little bit too much wine that night. Terry: And I just said this needs to be the last time and either we’re going to get married or friendship has to be over ’cause we just can’t keep doing this. And 14 months later, we were married. Gissele: what kept you holding on there? Zeke? Terry: Insanity. Zeke: Yeah. When you are 10, 12, 13 years old and you start to develop these relationships with people, you are [00:03:00] your conscious, gloms onto just interesting, specific, different characteristics. Zeke: And Terry was always someone that was just this person that I was always drawn to. And so whenever our planets would circle back around and come in alignment, it would all be like, okay, so I’m attracted to this person, and let’s see what this is all about this time. Zeke: And then the counter to that, the joke is Terry’s ability to evaluate things at 25 obviously wasn’t very good. Terry: I was playing the long game. Really? I was playing Gissele: the long game. so fast forward you, do you have children? Terry: We do. Our son is 24. He is doing a master’s degree at San Francisco State. Terry: He’s back living with us and our youngest is they them and they’re 21 wrapping up their college, their undergrad at University of Vermont in Burlington. Gissele: Beautiful. Beautiful. Okay. So you are married, are having relationships. Fast forward to the, when you start to have problems again. [00:04:00] Terry: I think, Terry: We’ve done a lot of work on ourselves and especially in the last four years, I guess it’s 20, 26, 5 years when we thought we were gonna get divorced. We came into the marriage at 26. We look at back at it just so young and so naive and with really the wrong expectations and assumptions about what a relationship is and what a marriage is. Terry: And Zeke was in a software sales or banking when we got married and later decided to become a police officer. And that ended up putting a significant amount of pressure on our relationship with the shift work. four days on, four days off, five days on, three days off, back to back fives called in for overtime, called in for court times. Terry: And, after the kids were born, I was essentially a single parent working full time. And I launched a consulting company, and so then I was managing a company as well, and that really, we did not know how to navigate that. what we later learned is I have [00:05:00] an anxious attachment style and he has an avoidant attachment style, so naturally going in different directions. Terry: He’s an only child. I’m an identical twin, so I used to doing everything together. I shared a womb with someone and Zeke: I didn’t share a room with anyone. Terry: exactly. So what we had was a solid foundation in that we grew up in the same place, knew a lot of the same people. But we did not know how to do the work. And so our relationship I think in our early forties was when it really started to, it really started to get, I wanna say bad logistically we’re really great with each other. Terry: But I think emotionally lovewise there was a lot of resentment there and there was like a huge chasm. And over the course of about 10 years, we would each show up. One of us would show up and say, okay, I think we’re done. And the other one would say, I’m not ready. And so we battled that for. seven to 10 years. Terry: Early in, like when I was about 43, I started [00:06:00] perimenopause and I didn’t really know it. So of course that also introduced a new set of challenges that I neither of us knew was really going on. Andour forties, it was it was very difficult, but then the pandemic hit when we were 50, and of course we came together in order to support the kids in order to be better citizens of the world. Terry: And logistically, I think we did really well. But, in January of 2021 both of us, it was like the first time we’d had like a text fight and I was in the bathtub and he came in and one of us was like, I think we’re done. And the other one was like, yeah, I think we’re done. it was a long time coming. Gissele: Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. It must have been really challenging. I just wanna go back just for a moment. When you talked about the avoidance style in the anxious style, can you tell the audience a little bit about what that looks like? Because some of them might not know they are an anxious style or avoidance style. Gissele: So what does an anxious style look like, and what does an [00:07:00] avoidance style look like? Terry: So for me, the anxious is I’m constantly looking for validation. am I loved, am I worthy? yeah. Does he love me? Does he not? And so when there’s any sort of friction or conflict, I’m like wanting closeness and validation. Terry: And for him, when there’s conflict and whatnot, then he pulls away. So then there’s this whole chasing kind of thing. So I want more. He runs away. That makes me feel more insecure. I go chasing after it. That makes him insecure and he wants to go into his cave. it’s this chasing kind of thing. Terry: And Zeke: it doesn’t work out well, Terry: not when you don’t have an awareness of it. I I’m trying to get better about it. He’s getting better about it. And I think also growing up so there were three of us kids in the family and there was a lot of dialogue and there was a lot of fighting. Terry: And I wouldn’t say it was good communication, I learned how to fight, not necessarily dirty, but I learned how to fight. Whereas he didn’t [00:08:00] practice that with with siblings. And so then also with that also complicates it in that he would need extra time to think about whatever was going on. Terry: And I’m like, engage, engage, engaged. And he’s like, whoa, I need some space. And I’m like, engage, engage, engaged. And that would just make me more anxious to not have the engagement. It would make him more uncomfortable when I’m coming at him. And so you, you have that complicating the anxious avoidance clash as it were. Gissele: Yeah. if you’re anxious which I used to be. Whenever you have the withdrawal the avoidance, it’s interpreted as there’s a withdrawal of love. I’m not lovable. Mm-hmm. I’m not worthy. but really it has nothing to do with that. Gissele: It has to do how the other person’s ability to cope and need to regroup. Right. And so for me having to shift that I had to really be aware of how little I was there for myself and how little I love for myself that I could, [00:09:00] I had to realize that I could tap in instead of going outward. I could tap inward and be able to give that to myself. Gissele: And sometimes it’s so funny, is a weird dance because I’ve seen situations where I would have the opposite effect. I would be more avoidant if the person was different. if their energy was more anxious, I would be more avoidant and then they would gravitate. Terry: Yeah, it’s an interesting dance and one of the things that I’ve tried to be better about is to express my insecurity to Zeke and just say, look, right now I need a little bit more, I need some validation right now. ’cause I’m, I also have ADHD. So then you’ve also got that tied into it. Terry: And so if I communicate to him, look, I need a little bit more. I need some I need to know that I’m loved right now, I’m feeling in a sensitive and vulnerable space. And then having that specific request, then, if he’s able to at that moment and we’re not talking like in a fight, we’re just talking in life in general, then he’s able to step in I think a little bit more easily to respond [00:10:00] to that request. Terry: And then I’ve asked him, it’s okay. If you’re gonna go avoid me, can you just say, look, I just need some time. I wanna deal with this. I need some time. And that’s also super hard for him to do because in those moments when he pulls away, he shuts down. And so to have the wherewithal to go, look, I need a minute. Terry: I’ll come back, I will come back. Gissele: it’s the understanding that it’s not about you like that, it’s not about either of you. It’s that it’s about the person’s ability to cope in that moment and how they cope or how they’ve learned to cope based on their own childhood environments. Gissele: And so really when you have an understanding of each other’s childhoods and when you have an understanding of what each of the you need in the moment I think it’s really helpful for relationships. Yeah. Terry: We’re still practicing that by the way. We do not have Gissele: that dial. Gissele: Yeah, of course. And you know what? Relationships are an ongoing, there’s peaks and valleys, there’s highs and lows, and I love that you said that, at one moment you both had to be [00:11:00] wanting out. ’cause as long as one of you wanted to stay in, that’s usually how people stay in a relationship. Gissele: Right. But when you get to the point where you both want out, I think that’s where you, start to decide we have to really look at this and either decide to go in and out. So what happened after you both decided that it was like, that it wasn’t working and that you needed to maybe move forward differently? Terry: So it happened on a Sunday morning and the both of the kids were home. Our youngest was still in high school and our oldest was home for winter break. And we both decided, okay, we’re gonna communicate to the kids that this is what’s going on. So at dinner that night, we told the kids, and the kids were like, it’s about time. Terry: kids totally know when there’s friction. They know and they’re just like, yeah, it’s about time. And we did not model, I think healthy partner relationship for our kids. We’re still trying to fix that. We still apologize for that too. Our kids. And the timeline on this is going to seem really fast, but I process things really fast [00:12:00] and I’m a silver lining kind of gal and I can usually get over things within 24, 48 hours because it was the middle of the pandemic we’re in the San Francisco Bay area. Terry: We were still in lockdown. And, our son was going back to school, we had an extra bedroom. So Zeke moved into our son’s bedroom. But, oh, we decided we were gonna work through this together. we are friends first. We have known each other for so long, and we’re also very committed to our kids and providing a solid foundation for our kids. Terry: So he moved into the bedroom, and so the next day, he was in the bedroom doing his work. I was in the office doing my work and and our youngest was doing remote school. And I would come out and I would just start sobbing. and we would be talking through what is this gonna look like? Terry: He did look at apartments. But we also decided every night we would cook together, we would have dinner together. And while we hadn’t really watched TV together before each night, we were trying to do that to demonstrate to our youngest that we were still a united front for them. [00:13:00] And so Monday rolls around. Terry: I was devastated. I really thought my whole world had fallen apart because what I thought my future was going to be had collapsed. I thought we were going to be partners forever, the kids were getting older and it was supposed to be just us again. And so Tuesday rolls around and I am still devastated. Terry: Wednesday rolls around, I am still devastated. And I remember asking Zeke, I’m like, how can you not be devastated by this? And he said, you always move through things much more quickly than I do. This is gonna hit me later. We researched over the course of that week, we researched buying a house in the same street so we could still be near each other, still support each other. Terry: We we talked about what it was gonna look like and Thursday, Friday rolls around and I just looked at him. I’m like, I periodically I’d go in, I’d sob, he told me. And I would just say it was like, who’s gonna be my emergency contact? And he said, I will always be your emergency contact. Terry: And it was at that moment that I think [00:14:00] that was the, I know that seems silly, but that was like the last thing that I needed to go. It’s gonna be okay. So I did some research on dating and how to move forward, past divorce, we were never actually gonna get fully divorced because our financial situation is so complicated. Terry: So we would leave very separate lives, but the legal part of it would, we weren’t gonna make happen, and neither of us ever wanted to get married again. So it was like, okay, we’re not gonna deal with the legal side of it, but what logistically does this look like? And then Saturday morning I went to go play tennis. Terry: the weather was absolutely fantastic. I had some great tunes in the car and I just felt myself opening up. It was like I was blooming. It was like the color was coming back as if I’d been living in gray for a decade. And I thought, if I’m gonna get out there and dates, I need to get back into shape and I want to become again, the sexual being that I used to be. Terry: And like, how am I gonna do that? I’m like, I wanna play, I wanna experiment. I wanna come get back in touch with [00:15:00] myself. So I did a little research about that and realized that it’s not uncommon for couples going through separation to continue to have sex. And I’m like, during a pandemic, okay, fine. So after dinner, we’re sitting on the couch and I just said, Hey, what would you think about having sex? Terry: He’s is that the right thing to do? And I said, well, why not? I said, I trust you. I wanna experiment and explore with stuff. Why don’t we give it a try after this? I’m gonna go take a bath. I’m gonna crawl into bed naked, join me. So he is like, he’s not sure about that. Anyway, he comes in and I’m in bed and he goes, you sure? Terry: And I said, absolutely. And what that. Opened up is we had closed the door in our relationship. We had closed the door on who we were as a couple, and we got to embark on who we were individually doing the work that we had not done at the age of 25 and 26 and throughout our lives. And so like every night for a couple of months, we explored, I call it sex [00:16:00] exploration. Terry: We played, we were vulnerable with each other. We laughed. it was a lot of fun. We both went to therapy and over a period of time we decided to start dating and we accidentally rebooted our relationship, Zeke: kind of because we actually developed a new relationship. Yeah. We didn’t reboot the old one. Zeke: We’re still the same people in the relationship, but we developed and. Created a whole new relationship. Mm-hmm. Because all of that explorations, exploration stuff that she’s talking about didn’t happen in the last 25 years. So that was new and allowed us to, allowed her to try things and allowed me to I don’t know if I would’ve been hesitant to trying things, but that wasn’t part of the relationship previous. Zeke: So with all of that new, in this new entity, if you will then that sort of started off and created a whole different vibe for the relationship. Terry: Mm-hmm. With [00:17:00] vulnerability communication, trust that we hadn’t had before. Lack of resentment you going to therapy and committing to yourself to doing the therapy. Terry: It was a amazing signal. ’cause we’d done therapy before and individual therapy and. Just hadn’t seen the level of commitment that I saw after after we decided to separate. Gissele: So, Zeke, at any point, ’cause I have to ask, at any point when Terry suggested about you being intimate, did you go, wait a minute, Gissele: is this the path to us getting back together? Zeke: That’s a great question. I, I, initially, I was like, I don’t think this is a good idea. What, where is this coming from? And so she talked about it a little bit. And again, it was January of 2021. Terry: Mm-hmm. Zeke: I was not gonna go jump on an app and go try, that Terry: you didn’t download, you didn’t download Tinder? Zeke: No. That was not in the middle of a pandemic, a good idea in my [00:18:00] book. And I was like okay. So. Going back a step or two being her emergency contact, we’re still parents to two kids. We have to support them in, especially in this world and their world at this point in time. It was not 1992 when I got out of college and I could survive on a $10 an hour job in Sacramento and tell my parents I, they had no financial responsibilities anymore. Zeke: So I knew that we were going to be working together to support the kids as well as everything else for quite some time. So the relationship, it’s not like I was gonna pack a bag and walk out the door, and that was gonna be the end of that. the sex part of it was in the cocktail of what it was like to live in 2021. Gissele: Yeah. Zeke: And there was a freedom to it as well of, no, as much as, as it could be for that element of it, no strings attached. And that wasn’t there for the last 25, 30 years. And so it [00:19:00] seemed like there was a question mark to it, but not a lot of particular downside. Zeke: I’ve talked about this before. I do equate it to the one time someone approached me for a job and I went into the job and I said, well, this is how I’m gonna do the job. And if you don’t want me to do the job this way, and you’re not open to me trying some new things, then I’m gonna leave because you asked me to do the job. Zeke: I’m not looking for the job. I don’t need the job. Right. So not that having sex with you was a job. Gissele: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gissele: just being, you’re putting some boundaries right? Zeke: is, yeah. Was just like, okay, so we’re gonna do this and you need to be open and I’m gonna be open to doing it differently. Zeke: And I’m not gonna go do it anywhere else because it’s in the middle of a pandemic. Yeah. Gissele: Yeah. Terry: Yeah. So when I made the suggestion, never did I even consider that it was going to be a path to reconciliation. I really both of us had just had completely shut the door and was like, okay, we’re setting ourselves up for what we want, who we wanna be for the next half of our lives. Terry: Because at that point, he had turned for 51, I was about to turn 51. And if we [00:20:00] assume we’re gonna live to be a hundred, it’s like, okay, we wanna be happy, we wanna be content, we wanna be satisfied, and we wanna operate in the world in a way that is healthier than what we’ve done up until this point. Gissele: So I wanna go back to what you said. Gissele: ’cause you said that your children said, well, it’s about time. So you basically had their support. What was their reaction to you rebooting your relationship? Terry: Well, as long as we don’t talk about how we rebooted our relationship through sex, they’re totally fine. I don’t really remember what they’re, Terry: Adam was so caught up in his college life that he was checked out, he’s like, whatever. He had issues of his own to deal with and our youngest was just trying to get through day to day of virtual school during the pandemic. So Terry: They were 16 going on 17, but they’re wrapped up in their own lives. So I don’t recall them having any sort of either kid having any sort of thoughts or comments [00:21:00] about it. It would be really interesting right now to have a conversation with ’em and just say, Hey, let’s reflect on that and tell us what we were, you were feeling, thinking or paying attention to. Terry: And I’m sure Adam would say, I had no idea. I was too busy with my own stuff. And our youngest I’m sure they’ve talked about it, therapy with their therapist. Zeke: thinking back that it was such a slow kind of turn of the Titanic at that point in time, that there wasn’t a day in which it was like, ta-da, right? Zeke: As well as we are investing in this new relationship in a different way. we were concerned about the kids, but at finally, I think they weren’t the center of our universe at that point in time. The center of the universe for us had changed, and so we were less concerned about them. Zeke: And for all those reasons Terry just talked about. And so. They might have been going, wait, why is everything not pointing at me? Terry: Well, no, but our youngest was actually afraid when our oldest went off to college that everything was gonna point at them. [00:22:00] So I am pretty sure that, ’cause we would have dinner together every night, and Zeke and I would be on two ends. Terry: They would be across, the two kids would be across from each other. And I remember our youngest expressing concern about when Adam was gone be like, oh my gosh, now all of the attention’s gonna be directed on me. So I’m sure that they were probably relieved that we had a different focus and it wasn’t all on them so that they could do their own thing. Terry: that would be my guess. But we’ll have to text them later and see if they respond. Gissele: Yeah. So thank you for that. Do you think that your relationship blossom or changed because you each were willing to change Terry: Oh yeah, Gissele: yeah, Terry: yeah. I mean, there’s no way this would’ve worked if we showed up exactly the same way. Gissele: Well, I think often people, want their partner to change. They’re like, I’m gonna be happy if so and so changes. But I think what you’re saying, or at least what I’m hearing from you is that each of you committed to changing and to doing something different and to showing up more vulnerability, more authentically.[00:23:00] Gissele: Whether that meant, that it wasn’t gonna work together, but the surprising thing was that it actually brought you back together. is that accurate? Terry: Oh yeah, I mean it would not have worked if we hadn’t done the work, but the fact that we were committed to doing the work for ourselves, I think was really important. Terry: we had all sorts of fights and discussions over the years where I’m like, you need to do this. You need to do, this is what I need from you. And then of course, the disappointment and the resentment when I didn’t feel like there was a commitment to me and what I didn’t feel heard. Terry: I didn’t feel seen in terms of what I said I needed in the relationship. And I have worked with an executive coach, I’ve worked with therapist. I’m constantly, every day trying to work on something as we Gen X women in a patriarchal society have been conditioned to do that. There’s always something wrong with us. Terry: And, we’re always trying to find the constant improvement. And so yeah, there was no expectation I no longer had any sort of demands on him changing because it was like, you do, you, as long as we can show up for the [00:24:00] kids the right way, as long as we can show up as friends the right way, build healthier communication paths, then you know, that middle piece, that Centrif Venn diagram, our lives were our own except for those central pieces where we needed the touch points. Gissele: What about Zeke? Zeke: Yeah, it, again, because it became this different entity and I had a different way to approach it and I don’t know if the word reinvention allowed me to sort of take on this different, approach to it and let go of what had happened and have a different approach going forward. Zeke: So that was, that’s the gist of my navigations through that. Terry: Well, let me ask you this question through our entire relationship, I was, would be like, I need you to do this. I, this is what I need. I don’t think, I don’t remember you placing similar demands or asking me similar things. Zeke: No, no. Gissele: So, you found your way back [00:25:00] to each other. So what’s currently working for your relationship? How have you changed and grown and expanded that enables you to continue to have a committed, loving relationship? Terry: As we said, we’re continuing to work on this on a regular basis. Gissele: Yeah, of course. That’s just, that’s life. Terry: Yeah. So what, works? We have instituted a number of things that I think are. Are helpful. We’re not always great with ’em, but as you know, every morning we decide to commit to the relationship. Terry: And one way that Zeke shows me is he gives me a kiss in the morning and says, I love you, and then I’m just there. No, I’m just kidding. I’d read this book called The New I Do. While we were trying to, before we decided to, to call off our original relationship and learned about, there are seven or eight different types of marriages that you can go into and you can get into it for, the kids for money, for companionship, for sex. Terry: there are these [00:26:00] various different things and there can be time limits on these things, first of all you establish what you both expect out of the relationship or the marriage. And then you kind of put a plan together and then you have periodic check-ins. Terry: And so it could be annual check-ins to make sure, are we still on the same page? Are we moving in the right direction? But I like the idea of. The daily commitment to the relationship that at any point we can choose to get out, that one of us could say, you know what, this really isn’t working for me and I don’t wanna be here anymore. Terry: So there’s a lot of freedom in that. And you’d think that for somebody with an anxious attachment style, that there would be a lot of uncertainty in that, but there really isn’t. So the daily commitment, we also implemented and we were really good about it for the first couple of years and now we do it every three or four weeks. Terry: It was a weekly check-in and there are like five or six questions that we do in order to make sure that chasm that developed during our pre previous relationship didn’t develop into the future. [00:27:00] And we always started by being super close together and saying. Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved and more comfortable right now? Terry: And I think this is stuff I found. It’s probably Gottman Institute stuff. I mean, there’s nothing magical here. it’s not innovative on my part other than we decided to implement this. And then it was like, is there anything that I’ve done to inadvertently hurt you over the last week? and then so if there is something that we have not addressed over the previous week, that is the opportunity to talk about it in a very close, loving, intimate setting. Terry: in a safe space. It doesn’t end up being like a big argument. I think we’ve only ended up in an argument after that, like twice out in the last five years. And then it was like, how’s our sex life been? And that’s usually an easy one to answer which is usually really great. And then we ask, Terry: what’s coming up next week? Is there anything stressful? And is there anything that I can do to make it a little bit easier for you? And that gives us an opportunity to talk about what’s coming up so we can talk about what’s happened. We [00:28:00] can talk about what’s coming up that keeps us connected through the communication. Terry: And then like two years ago I added is there anything I did to make you feel loved this week? And so then we can tap into it. we either end on the sex question or we end on the, is there anything that makes you feel loved? ’cause I like us ending on a high. so that’s been a really helpful tool to help us stay connected. Terry: So I hope that answered your question in terms of some of the things that we’ve done. We try not to let things fester the way that we used to. But we launched a new business, Zeke andTerry Adventures two years ago. And I’m super, as you can tell, I’m super outgoing. Terry: I’m super chatty. He’s more of an introvert. And more I would like to say thoughtful about the things. And that has been really great for our relationship because we are doing all sorts of new things together and at the same time. It’s also really challenging because we have not had the results that we wanted, and [00:29:00] we both have our insecurities about what it is that we’re doing in the business. Terry: And so that is creating actually the biggest conflict for us, and it’s also creating the biggest opportunity for us to have good communication and work together through the various different challenges I get to show up and be very compassionate to him about his insecurities around it, which I think really makes this beautiful broth of a relationship, Gissele: There’s a few things I wanted to pick up on and then I’d love to talk about the travel. the first thing I wanted to mention is that I wholeheartedly agree with you is that I think we have this expectation or this belief that, ideal relationships don’t have conflict, but it is how you manage the conflict that helps you actually come closer together, that helps you overcome things together. Gissele: The second thing really is about the fact that, I find it interesting that you talked about this is an ongoing commitment, but we also [00:30:00] know that at any point we could just say, I can’t make this commitment. Gissele: And that is so refreshing. And the reason why I say that is because, The institution of marriage is one where we have been taught that a decision you made when you were younger, let’s say you were in your twenties when you get married, You are always gonna feel the exact same way from here into infinity, and that’s doesn’t make any sense because we grow, we change. Gissele: Sometimes we grow at the same rate. Sometimes we don’t grow at the same rate. And so how do we think about relationships in a way that no matter how long they last, it’s not a failure, right? Mm-hmm. everything that you go through, is still a learning opportunity, still an opportunity to love. Gissele: It’s still an opportunity to learn about ourselves without having that extra judgment of, well, if this isn’t forever, then It didn’t work, and then I’m a failure, or that you have to push yourself to stay in something that maybe you’ve outgrown. Gissele: And so I think those are two very important points that you are making. and I think because the institution of marriage is different, right? [00:31:00] before it was really, for women it was a security, right? Because when you had the children, the men could go and sow their seeds anywhere and then, like you had the kid. Gissele: And so the institution of marriage became one where there was so security, right? But I think, relationships are morphing and changing and women have the ability to make their own money, their own businesses. And so the need for that kind of like security and stability, maybe not necessarily be there. Terry: Oh yeah, absolutely. And we’re seeing it in these next generations. Who are these these women in their twenties and their thirties who are like, I’m not settling. I can have my own money. I can have my own house. I have my friends. Terry: I can make my own choices. I can choose to have kids if I want to or choose not to have kids. And so this whole, you’re gonna die an old cat lady. I’m like, how many cats do I get to have, in my own space? so we’re seeing in society a time when the men are actually having to step up from an emotional perspective and doing the work, whereas before they’re like, I’m bringing on the paycheck. Terry: [00:32:00] You can’t get a credit card. You can’t get a loan to buy a house. You get pregnant, you get kicked outta secretarial school. So you know, you’re stuck with me. And now women just have so many more options available to them, and I think it really is. a huge opportunity for a society in general for heterosexual men especially, to have to step up in a way that women have had to step up and endure for centuries. Zeke: Well, at the same time, it opens another set of doors for men because Gissele: Yeah, Zeke: we were on the early side of this and we didn’t do it exactly right. I didn’t do it exactly right, but when the kids were three and six years old, I stopped being a police officer and became a stay at home dad. because Terry was making way more money than I was making, even as an overtime police officer, which was a very generous pay package, mm-hmm. Zeke: And so we flipped roles and I think the upside of that is that we showed our kids that that could happen. Didn’t exactly show them [00:33:00] the best way for it to happen, but that it was a possibility because up until then. I’d worked since I was like 17 years old. up until 38 years old. Zeke: And then it was like, wait, this doesn’t make sense. Financially, I’m spending half of my paycheck on childcare. Gissele: Yeah. Zeke: And I’m still getting in the way of Terry making more money. This doesn’t make any Terry: sense. Oh. When our relationship was terrible and our kids, we were eating out way too many days a week. Terry: Yeah. It was not the lifestyle that we were looking for because when we decided to get married, the agreement was he was gonna stay home with the kids. We knew from the get go that going into it was gonna be flipped, but then he became a police officer really liked the work, and then it was like, wait, this is not working. Zeke: I liked, I liked the work. I didn’t like the schedule Gissele: Yeah. Fair enough. I wanna talk about, just since you’ve mentioned it a couple of times, like self-forgiveness. And the reason why I bring that up is like there has to be an element of self-forgiveness because we make mistakes as parents in our relationship, in the modeling things that we do to our kids. Gissele: And I [00:34:00] remember talking to my kids when they were very young and telling them, I’m gonna make mistakes. Mommy doesn’t always know what she’s doing. there’s no kid manual and I’m gonna be apologetic and I’m gonna be honest and sometimes I’m gonna make mistakes. Gissele: we don’t always get it right. We’re human beings here. Right? And so there’s gotta be a level of self-forgiveness because of the mistakes you made. Terry: Yeah. So we would joke when the kids were younger that we were putting money away for their therapy, that we knew that we were going to be contributing to some sort of their, negative side of their emotional and psychological well-being. Terry: I’m not sure that was the right way to handle it. I wish that we’d had the wherewithal to say, look, we’re human. We’re gonna do the best that we can with what we have at the time. And I hope that if we make mistakes that there will be some forgiveness there. We just did not have that level of awareness going in. Terry: What we’ve done over the last, five years with the kids is just apologize for not modeling the right relationship. And, both the kids are in therapy. There our youngest has [00:35:00] been in, since high school and then our oldest did in high school and then has been for the last year. Terry: we believe in getting professional help. And there are times . We’re like, oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. We didn’t model this better for you. And they’ll say, yeah, why are you doing it now? You’re doing great. Now. You could have done this. And I’m like, we were just not in a place to do this. Terry: Mm-hmm. So at least now we’re able to model, and I was called out on this whole self forgiveness thing a couple weeks ago. you’re owning too much of this and you need to forgive yourself for it. I was like, I think I’m, I think I’m exaggerating a little bit just for the joke, for the bit. Terry: And I’m super proud of ourselves for modeling better stuff and being able to say, look, we know we didn’t do that right, but here’s what we’re doing now and we hope that you can learn from what we’re doing now that it is not too late. What was also helpful is sometime in the last five years, we saw the statistic that parents are only like 20 to 30% responsible for how [00:36:00] the kids turn out in their emotional wellbeing and et cetera. Terry: And I have to. Remind Myself of that regularly to say you’re not a hundred percent responsible for how screwed up your kids are. You’re only 25% responsible. And it’s like, oh, it takes the pressure off to say for me, once again, having in a patriarchal society as a Gen X woman, I was supposed to have it all be it all be perfect in every aspect of my life. Terry: And this is one place where I feel like I failed. And being able to go, I did the best that I could with what I had. It’s not an excuse, but it’s an opportunity to recognize, forgive, and go I want to do better. And look for ways for better communication, for better modeling. I started back up with my therapist on Monday, ’cause I don’t think right now I’m managing my kid, my relationship with my kids. Terry: As best I can right now in setting boundaries and communication, et cetera. So I think modeling that now, I’m hoping that they will pick up on [00:37:00] that. Because We talk about all this kind of stuff. What is really interesting is what we expect from our parents. A month ago I had a partial knee replacement and our son, who’s living at home could not see me in pain, could not see me out for the count. Terry: And I was in a lot of pain ’cause I can’t take narcotics ’cause I, my body just can’t handle him. And I was in a lot of pain. I’m also a very active person. And last night he said his friends were over and they’d had a few too many beers. And he goes, yeah, it’s really hard. He’s like, you’re the soccer player, you’re the tennis player, you’re the runner, you’re the one with the business. Terry: You fly helicopters, you do all this stuff and you’re not doing that right now. And I was like, it’s just a pause honey. It’s just a pause. I am still that person. But it’s interesting how our kids see us, whether it’s us individually or as a couple And now I know exactly what his issue is, and now I can be there to help him, work through that in order to set him better for the [00:38:00] future. Terry: But it’s, it’s absolutely fascinating. Gissele: Hmm. Yeah. I love that you said that because it is so true we’re human beings. We evolve, we change. I was not aware of how much anxiety I had when my kids were very little. Oh. And how much I modeled that for them, and as I grew and expanded and, found my way through mindfulness and compassion and all of these things, how much I had to forgive myself. Gissele: And also how sometimes the people in our lives wanna hold onto those old identities because that gives them a sense of consistency and safety. But as you evolve. They have to evolve too. And their vision of you has to evolve. And so sometimes that can be a little bit challenging for them. Gissele: But kudos to you for helping them navigate through that journey. ’cause it’s, life is all about growth. Yeah. We probably screw Terry: up on that too, but that’s okay. Gissele: Yeah. You know what the truth of the matter is? I feel like everything is a gift and a journey and it’s an experience. Gissele: And, I feel like the kids are gonna be all right. And [00:39:00] that’s one thing I hold onto, no matter what’s happening, and sometimes, things happen, right? my kids are always all right. they’re more resilient than I believe. Gissele: they’re good. They’re great. I wanted to go back to a comment you had made about the financial, because financial issues tend to be the things that probably places a wedge the most on relationships. And you seem to have navigated that before with the policing, right? what’s helping you navigate some of those waters currently as you’re growing your business? Terry: Well, we are very privileged in that. we’re financially comfortable. I we’re not off the chart rich or whatever, especially living here in the San Francisco Bay area. But we are comfortable. my consulting was lucrative. my parents did well on, an investment, so they have provided us with some extra cushion as well. Terry: I would never say that I am, super comfortable to the point where I would never worry about it. I think there’s gonna be a certain [00:40:00] amount of concern, especially with the instability of what’s going on in the world right now. It’s like, how comfortable can you actually be? Terry: So just when I think is, I look at the numbers and I do our monthly financial former accountants, so I do our monthly financials and We should be okay, but if we live another 50 years, are we going to have enough? And are we going to have enough to continue to provide some level of financial support for the kids? Terry: Because our oldest has expressed an interest in getting a PhD in philosophy and teaching at the collegiate level where we know he is not going to make a lot of money. We are willing to provide him with some level of financial support. Knowing that education is a very important issue for us and our society in, the United States doesn’t value education, doesn’t really pay teachers very well. Terry: And so we see that as part of our financial contribution in providing him with some support so that he can be the best possible teacher he can. Our youngest is still trying to figure out what they’re going to do next, but we imagine it is going to be in service to something and will probably [00:41:00] not make a lot of money and will probably be in an area that is also in alignment with our values. Terry: We need to provide them with some sort of financial support not live high on the hog, but to do Okay. we are in a decent position to do that. When we did launch the business last year. I did some projections to make, to see how long we could do it for comfortably before I would have to go back into consulting. Terry: horrors of horrors. But always thinking about what the back plan is gonna be. So we’ve made it so that I understand what our runway is on that, so we’re gonna give it one more year. And if we’re not seeing what we want from it, then may have to return to something that is actually generating revenue Right now. Terry: it’s just output. But, our company is a startup and I have been an angel investor for the last 10 years. I understand what it’s like to be a startup. Having my own consulting company, I know what it means to run. Business. I know what this all looks like. And I am not a huge risk taker, but I am a calculated risk [00:42:00] taker. Terry: Zeke he doesn’t pay as much attention to the financial stuff. We should get back to reviewing it on a monthly basis so that it’s a shared responsibility. ’cause right now it’s all on me. And he’ll say, Hey, can we pay that off? What can we do to streamline this to make it easier so that you’re doing less and we can worry about these other things more? Terry: And so he helps with that. But we are incredibly fortunate that we have a bit of time to be experimenting with what it is that we’re experimenting with. Zeke: And what got me convinced on this venture was I enjoy getting out and it. Zeke and Terry Adventures is the name of the YouTube channel. Zeke: And the word adventure in there plays a key role in my mental approach to it. Because adventure is whatever you can make it. and we’ve heard of people and know people who have never left California, they’ve never left the Bay Area, they’ve never seen snow, Whereas I’m like, I’ve never been to South Korea, so that’s on my list of things. So adventure is whatever [00:43:00] you can make it. So if we can inspire people to do that, and at the same time, I can go do things that I might not be able to do when I’m 65, when I traditionally retire from whatever day job. Zeke: And so if we can make a go at this point in time then I get to do some things that I won’t be able to do later on. And that’s what we’re also trying to communicate to folks through the channel. Is to live life while you can. I’ve been very fortunate in the last five or six years to do about 10 or so two week bike tours with some friends. Zeke: And so we’ve ridden bikes from a lot of different places to other places and had a great time. And we come back from these things and we meet places and talked to people about our trips and we can guarantee somebody’s gonna say oh, I wanna do that someday. And we always tell them, there is no someday. Zeke: There’s only today. You’ve gotta do it. Now if you say I’m gonna do it someday, you just keep pushing it off. You’ve gotta do it now. So that’s why Part of my mind is like, this is crazy. What are you doing financially? [00:44:00] This is a startup and I’m not a startup guy. Terry’s the startup person. Yeah. Zeke: And but the other half of my brain is do it while you can, because at some point in time you’re not gonna have a choice. You’re not gonna have an option. Terry: Yeah. And I just wanna expand on something about the adventure because not everybody has the financial means to do it. And not everybody’s as comfortable with adventure, like his cycling trips, I have zero interest in his cycling trips. Terry: But so what is adventurous for me and pulls me outside of my comfort zone, and that’s the thing, our tagline is we wanna inspire Midlifers, mostly Gen Xers, but people over the age of 50 to get out, get uncomfortable and go adventure It could be taking a bus to go do a hike someplace, so maybe the bus is a couple bucks. Terry: You can go do a hike, which should be free. hopefully you have some comfortable shoes. You can bring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and you just add some water, don’t forget the water. And you go and you see something from a different angle. You push yourself beyond your normal [00:45:00] comfort zone. Terry: When I worked for my dad’s accounting firm back when I was younger we would always have this conversation ’cause I was very black and white. we would look at the tax law and it would be like, it would be this or it’d be this. And my dad’s no, there’s black and there’s white, and there’s the gray area in between. Terry: And that gray area is our play area. I’m not saying it was, bad or fraudulent, but he always wanted to stretch me like a rubber band. And I always, every time you do something that’s outside your comfort zone, you stretch that rubber band, you stretch that rubber band and that rubber band, once stretched, never goes back to the same place. Terry: And so for on this last trip, we both flew into Munich, and then I took a train to Strausberg because I am absolutely determined to see all the France, and I’m determined to speak French fluently one day in my life. And so he cycled with his friends from Munich to Venice, and they did it. They do it on the cheap. Terry: I they camp, they do warm shower places. They share, four stinky men in a room kind of situation. And I had [00:46:00] this little air and B right on the river Ill in Strasburg, and I spent two weeks by myself in Strasburg, working on my French, working on some other content. And, but that being solo and doing that, oh, and I got to go to all the museums I wanted and the cathedral and I got to do all the cultural stuff that I love to do while he was outside doing his outdoorsy stuff. Terry: I play tennis, I don’t cycle. And me being alone as an identical twin, as somebody who likes to have somebody around that is uncomfortable for me. and Zeke was like, ah, that would be super uncomfortable for me and I would absolutely hate it. And, but with that. it expanded who I was. Terry: And granted, that is a more expensive option. But we live in the Bay Area and there are all sorts of places to go hike. I don’t love to hike, but sometimes our youngest will drag me out and is oh wow, maybe this isn’t so bad. Look at how beautiful this is. I’m bitching and complaining all the way up, all the way up the hill. Terry: or when we go and we [00:47:00] do saunas and places, and they go, ’cause there’s a new one up in San Francisco. this isn’t necessarily uncomfortable, but really what a great experience. Gissele: Hmm, I love it. First of all, I think your dad was a great teacher in terms of the willingness to see, okay, there’s black and white, but there’s always a middle way to do things. Gissele: There’s always possibilities. I think when you’re inviting the listeners to consider is different ways of aging, because I think the more you get active and get adventure or get beyond your limitations, the more likely that you’re going to be aging. Very well at the end, for this podcast, I interviewed a 75-year-old lady who is, she started when she was 65, I believe. Gissele: She’s like the 15th time world champion pole dancing. She still does it like she’s, she’s 75. She’s still like the world leader and so can we reimagine how we age? because what I noticed in aging is there’s a constriction more and more, and more and more people are less likely to go out. Gissele: They’re less likely to [00:48:00] socialize, and so there’s an outward constriction, whereas your business is enabling people to go, okay, can we go outward instead, can we. Reimagine aging. Can we reimagine mobility? Can we reimagine adventure? Adventure doesn’t mean I have to go to the south of France Gissele: Can I even just say, that I’m willing to try that makes me out of my comfort zone? It doesn’t necessarily mean having to go outside. It could be just, public speaking. it could be anything that helps me shift and open up to life. And there might be a lot of opportunity around with organizations that are helping people become more mobile. Gissele: Because I think your organization it’s not just the traveling, it’s really is opening up people beyond their limitations and especially around aging. Can we really reimagine ourselves? Yeah, go ahead. Terry: Yeah. So in 2019 I wrote a book called Piloting Your Life to Inspire Women over the Age of 40 to design and live lives of our own Creation. Terry: And and the reason why it’s piloting your life is [00:49:00] as a woman in male dominated spaces, especially in, like investing in stuff. I am a commercially rated helicopter pilot, so I have my brand around, yeah, I fly helicopters for fun, really. I have my branding around aviation and so I had a podcast for a couple years called Piloting Your Life that ultimately focused on women. Terry: And then I wrote this book because I realized there wasn’t the what to expect when you turned 40. Book for women. We’re seeing more conversations about perimenopause and menopause and what happens to our brains and our bodies. It’s more than just hot flashes. And it was like I wanted to better understand that. Terry: So I love that you tapped into the redefining what aging means, and I think Gen X especially has an opportunity to really model moving forward. what aging means. And we do not have available to us, at least in the United States the same, you work at the same place for your entire life. Terry: You have a [00:50:00] pension and then you’re set up for the future. A lot of us are not going to be retiring at 65. A lot of us are not going to have grandkids. we’re not necessarily gonna have the retirement and aging lives that have been modeled before us. Terry: And so I do see that as a huge opportunity for us to redefine what aging means, focusing on what good health means. And good health is focused on not just, your fitness or your weight, but it’s brain health, it’s mobility, it’s flexibility, and it’s friendships. Terry: I interviewed 36 diverse women from around the world, from my book. So I can share their stories. ’cause a lot of us need to see it to be it. And it’s maybe they didn’t like my story, but they might like my friend Carle’s story or, somebody else’s story. And in the research, in order to really set ourselves up well for the next phase of our lives is we need a little bit of activity, exercise. Terry: We need deep and meaningful relationships or friendships and we need meaning or [00:51:00] purpose. And in doing further research on purpose, not having a big p purpose, but a little p purpose is important. ’cause all of those things build up. So I’m doing this drawing challenge right now so that I can start Painting Again, which I haven’t done since high school. And so every day for 10 minutes I’m drawing. And it’s so fun to do something new and know that I can completely fail at it. No one’s gonna judge me. I am pushing it out on Instagram so that I can inspire other people to be silly and whimsical as well. Terry: But I think, my focus is on women. if we decide to be selfish for once, put ourselves first focus on how we want to be in the world, do the work make the decisions on what we want, we can model it better, not only for the women coming up behind us, but also for the men in the world. Terry: And then our society in general becomes a better thing. and so like Zeke going out and doing his cycling stuff, he’s the young one in the group. Just by a a year or [00:52:00] two. But getting out there and doing. a 400 or a 700 mile cycling. And we’re talking pedaling just like, doing it on the cheap, Terry: that is just so funny. it’s not always just the physical, it’s the mental. And that’s the other thing with it, with this new business, every single day we are learning something new. We are throwing so much pasta on the wall and so much of it is not sticking in terms of what we’re trying and experimenting with. Terry: It’s it is very frustrating sometimes, but it’s also so good for our brains. Terry: it’s so exciting to be 55 almost 56. And every day it’s like, What are we choosing today? Terry: So I paid $10 for the drawing thing for the month, so it wasn’t an expensive thing. But one of the coolest things was we’ve been to so many museums and one of my new favorite artists is Egon Shield. And yesterday the thing had to do with negative spaces I think it’s called Draw Together, and Wendy Mack is the gal leading it. Terry: And she showed Igon Shield’s work and I’m like, oh my God, I love Egon Shield. And [00:53:00] like a couple days before it was some sort of line drawing thing and it was s Tumbly. And I’m like, I saw Slys stuff in Munich. I got to see Egon Shields stuff in Vienna. And I know my privilege is showing right now. but I love seeing these things connect together. Terry: That something I learned in one place, I now seeing it in play in another, and then I get to do something with it. It is so fun. Gissele: Yeah, Zeke: at same time, just a quick reference of that although we are in the San Francisco Bay area, which is of course a world class leading art center, education center. Zeke: But we’ve been in enough places around the world where we’ll walk into some little museum or art installation or a church or whatever is in some little town. ’cause Terry wants to go to every single one of ’em. And we’ll find something there. It’s like, wait, we’ve seen that other places. So wherever you are at out there in the world you look around and you’ll find some things somewhere that can be just as interesting and or inspired by some of these things that you [00:54:00] find here. Zeke: And the nice thing about the little towns that have these is there’s, it’s probably free. And two they’re, you’re not gonna spend six hours stumbling around in the Louvre looking for something and with a crowd of millions. Zeke: which is my trigger point because I don’t have the patience to, to deal with crowds. Zeke: Yeah, Gissele: That’s fair. I think what you’re modeling for us is the potentials, right? we have so many limiting beliefs in our society, you’re too old to start, a business in the fifties or tool to go cycling a little cheap. like all of those things are just limiting beliefs in what you’re showing us as a world of potentials. Gissele: A couple more questions. what’s your definition of self-love? Terry: You go first Zeke: definition of self-love. Yeah. I’m Gissele: asking everyone to season that question. Zeke: Sure. That’s a good question. Good Terry: answer ’cause I’ve got one now. Zeke: Go ahead. Terry: Okay. I think self-love right now as a 55-year-old woman, gen X conditioned in a patriarch [00:55:00] society is putting myself first without apology, showing up, being unapologetically me. Terry: I think that is the definition of self-love for me right now. Gissele: Beautiful. Zeke, I Zeke: would say, I’m not gonna articulate it. Don’t think. As well. it’s probably giving myself permission to either admit that I was wrong or admit that I hadn’t understood something. and maybe in this patriarchal society, part of that is that the man is always right and he’s always figured everything out and I haven’t and so trying to deprogram that and enter a new space of saying, yeah, I don’t, I didn’t do that right. Zeke: I don’t know what the answer to that is. And I’m sorry to anyone I’ve impacted with those previous decisions, and I’m sorry to myself and I’ve given myself permission to forgive myself for myself, either acting that way and having to change and needing to change and I should change, and I don’t [00:56:00] even exactly know what to change too. Speaker 3: Terry: So I love your question about self-love because it really got me thinking aboutwhat that means and showing up unapologetically me. ’cause I feel like I’ve been apologizing for who I am my entire life. And then also choosing myself first, which is such a struggle as a Gen X woman who’s been conditioned to put everybody else first. Terry: And there’s a line in my book. Which is be the first in the buffet line and take the last fucking cupcake because so many of us women. at least in the United States, my friends in France, they were not raised similarly, but we are told, let everybody else go first. And if there’s one last thing, don’t take it. Terry: And so I love this concept but I have to be very intentional and think about it. I love this concept of choose you first. Men have no problems choosing themselves first. And the thing that I have modeled so poorly for my kids is that. selflessness is important and always being in [00:57:00] service to somebody else is important and you put yourself last. Terry: And if I could turn back time and change one thing, I would change and show that I put myself first. More because I think it was so important for both boys and girls, men and women, to see that it is okay for women to show up unapologetically, put themselves first, being aware of the impact, but putting themselves first. Terry: So I loved that you forced me to think through, and I’m actually gonna put a reminder on my desk. It’s like practice acts of self-love every day so that it can become less. Of a practice and it can be part of who I am, so thank you for that. Gissele: Ah, thank you for that. ’cause I can totally appreciate that. Gissele: I grew up here in Canada, so not the states, but I felt the same way. There’s this messaging that a good mother puts themselves last. A good mother puts their kids first, eats last, like all of those things. And that’s not true because what it does is it leads to burnout. In fact, the less that I [00:58:00] loved myself and filled my cup, the more I gave from my reserves and the more I resented it, sometimes I was snappy my case. Terry: Yeah, and we go through perimenopause and that’s what we’re seeing is women just completely burned out going through perimenopause and the menopause transition, especially if you have a DHD and you’re just like, what the hell happened? And that’s why I see the, our forties is such an incredible opportunity to shift out of being in service to others because our bodies and our minds are saying. Terry: you’ve gotta focus inward. You’ve gotta focus less outward. And that’s what’s fun about the four. The forties suck, but the fifties, once you’ve done that work, the fifties are amazing. Speaker 3: great answers. Thank you to both of you. Last one is, where can people find you? Where can they work with you? Where can you find your book? Share anything you wanna share? Terry: So my book, piloting Your Life is. Available on Amazon. I’m sorry if you’re not, we don’t shop on Amazon, but it’s in audiobook. Terry: I narrated it. Ebook and paperback. You can [00:59:00] also order it through like bookshop.org. Request it through Libby, your library, so it’s pretty much everywhere. Or go to my website http://www.piloting your life.com. Zeke and Terry Adventures is available at http://www.zekeandterryadventures.com. You can find us as Zeke a

Love alone isn't always enough to keep everyone under one roof feeling connected and secure. Despite the dream of harmony and the promise of new beginnings, many families find themselves struggling with uncertainty, misaligned expectations, and recurring conflicts that love simply can't resolve. Is it possible to create a sense of "home" where everyone feels seen, heard, and supported—without sacrificing your relationship or your own well-being? In this episode, listeners will discover why building a thriving blended family isn't just about love—it's about creating alignment through clear roles, structure, and intentional communication. The conversation explores the real-life challenges that stepfamilies and modern families face, including competing parenting philosophies, the presence of ex-partners, and loyalty struggles with children. Listeners will learn actionable strategies such as the Pause, Align, and Present method for unified parenting, tips for connecting before correcting, and ways to foster trust and emotional safety while honoring everyone's unique needs. Get ready to transform overwhelm into clarity, and confusion into a cooperative partnership—one step at a time. April is a licensed marriage and family therapist, stepfamily expert, and founder of Couples Thrive. She specializes in helping modern couples, especially those in blended families, create emotional safety, reduce conflict, and parent as a united team. She is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), one of the most research-backed approaches for couples, and her work has been featured in national outlets like Psychology Today and the Gottman Institute.   Episode Highlights 06:09 Unique challenges blended families face as they merge different histories and systems. 09:56 Building alignment through clear structure and defined expectations. 12:24 Navigating family differences with the 60-30-10 rule. 14:19 Smoothing family life with weekly check-ins and defined roles. 19:09 Setting realistic expectations and practicing patience in blended families. 23:22 Overcoming common challenges through preparation and planning. 25:22 Unifying parenting decisions with the Pause, Align, and Present method. 28:13 Modeling teamwork and authentic connection during disagreements. 31:34 Building mutual respect through the power of pausing. 35:58 Balancing parental authority while empowering children's voices. 39:36 Building trust as a stepparent by navigating loyalty binds. 43:19 Fostering respectful communication with clear boundaries and rules. 46:40 Helping blended families thrive with expert tools and support.   Your Check List of Actions to Take Start a shared journal or Notes app with your partner to track moments of alignment and areas of struggle throughout the week. Set aside time for a weekly alignment conversation where you review your journal and discuss patterns and sticky points together. Establish clear roles and expectations in your family system, considering each person's strengths and the needs of the children. Practice the "Pause, Align, and Present" method in moments of disagreement: pause the discussion, align privately, and then present a unified decision to the family. Use a 60-30-10 rule—aim for 60% compromise, navigate 30% gray areas, and allow 10% flexibility for the sake of peace. Involve children appropriately by hearing their voices and feelings, but maintain parental authority when making decisions. For stepparents, focus on connection before correction—build rapport and trust first before stepping into disciplinary roles. Regularly review your family values, using "we language" and modeling respectful communication, especially during challenging transitions or conflicts.   Mentioned Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) ERP 313: How To Become A Successful Blended Family — An Interview With Ron Deal ERP 256: The Mistakes People Make When Blending Families And What To Do Instead – An Interview With Tracy Poizner Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication (free guide)   Connect with April Eldemire Website: couples-thrive.com Facebook: facebook.com/AprilEldemire YouTube: youtube.com/@couplesthrive Instagram: instagram.com/couplesthrive LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/april-eldemire-lmft-8a8b3059 TikTok: tiktok.com/@couples_thrive  

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 3934: Kristen Manieri reimagines gratitude as a shared, tangible act by committing to write 365 handwritten thank you notes in one year. Through this simple but powerful practice, she discovers deeper connection, heightened awareness, and a more meaningful way to acknowledge the people who shape her daily life. Her experience invites us to move gratitude off the page of a private journal and into the hands of others, where its impact multiplies. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/stop-creating-gratitude-lists-and-do-this-instead/ Quotes to ponder: "The act of writing a thank you note is so different from typing an email or tapping in a text. It's slower, more thoughtful, and more heartfelt." "No act is ever too small to deserve acknowledgment." "This project taught me to notice that every single day we are touched by the people we interact with if we allow ourselves to be." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 3934: Kristen Manieri reimagines gratitude as a shared, tangible act by committing to write 365 handwritten thank you notes in one year. Through this simple but powerful practice, she discovers deeper connection, heightened awareness, and a more meaningful way to acknowledge the people who shape her daily life. Her experience invites us to move gratitude off the page of a private journal and into the hands of others, where its impact multiplies. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/stop-creating-gratitude-lists-and-do-this-instead/ Quotes to ponder: "The act of writing a thank you note is so different from typing an email or tapping in a text. It's slower, more thoughtful, and more heartfelt." "No act is ever too small to deserve acknowledgment." "This project taught me to notice that every single day we are touched by the people we interact with if we allow ourselves to be." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 3934: Kristen Manieri reimagines gratitude as a shared, tangible act by committing to write 365 handwritten thank you notes in one year. Through this simple but powerful practice, she discovers deeper connection, heightened awareness, and a more meaningful way to acknowledge the people who shape her daily life. Her experience invites us to move gratitude off the page of a private journal and into the hands of others, where its impact multiplies. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/stop-creating-gratitude-lists-and-do-this-instead/ Quotes to ponder: "The act of writing a thank you note is so different from typing an email or tapping in a text. It's slower, more thoughtful, and more heartfelt." "No act is ever too small to deserve acknowledgment." "This project taught me to notice that every single day we are touched by the people we interact with if we allow ourselves to be." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 3310: Kyle Benson explores how anger often acts as a protective surface emotion, masking deeper feelings like shame, fear, or exhaustion. Drawing on insights from leading psychologists, he explains how understanding the “anger iceberg” can help us respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness. By learning to sit with anger rather than suppress it, we can build healthier boundaries, stronger empathy, and more connected relationships. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/ Quotes to ponder: “Emotions are, in essence, impulses to act, the instant plans for handling life that evolution has instilled in us.” “Our raw feelings can be the messengers we need to teach us things about ourselves and can prompt insights into important life directions.” “The bottom line is that beneath everyone's anger lies a reason.” Episode references: Emotional Agility by Susan David: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Agility-Unhook-Embrace-Change/dp/1592409490 Atlas of Emotions: https://atlasofemotions.org/ Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-10th-Anniversary/dp/055338371X Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Discover all of the podcasts in our network, search for specific episodes, get the Optimal Living Daily workbook, and learn more at: OLDPodcast.com. Episode 3310: Kyle Benson explores how anger often acts as a protective surface emotion, masking deeper feelings like shame, fear, or exhaustion. Drawing on insights from leading psychologists, he explains how understanding the “anger iceberg” can help us respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness. By learning to sit with anger rather than suppress it, we can build healthier boundaries, stronger empathy, and more connected relationships. Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/ Quotes to ponder: “Emotions are, in essence, impulses to act, the instant plans for handling life that evolution has instilled in us.” “Our raw feelings can be the messengers we need to teach us things about ourselves and can prompt insights into important life directions.” “The bottom line is that beneath everyone's anger lies a reason.” Episode references: Emotional Agility by Susan David: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Agility-Unhook-Embrace-Change/dp/1592409490 Atlas of Emotions: https://atlasofemotions.org/ Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-10th-Anniversary/dp/055338371X Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this episode, I sit down to review a couple clips by the Gottman Institute on how to handle “car fights” and “turn toward” one another in moments of conflict. To access the sources for this episode, visit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0W0mWEPTjwhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYILLCN-K9YTo become a subscriber of this podcast, visit:⁠⁠https://anchor.fm/seth-hensley/subscribe⁠

In Honor of Valentine's Day, we're revisiting what we think is our most comprehensive episode on relationships to date! Relationship Experts Drs. John & Julie Gottman EXPOSE the SHOCKING REASON Why Relationships Fail. 94% Accurate Divorce Predictions: Discover the biggest predictors that guarantee which marriages will crumble and how to get the LOVE you WANT! The Gottman duo are world leading relationship researchers that have been studying couples for over 40 years, publishing over 200 academic journal articles and 46 books. They are the co-founders of The Gottman Institute and Love Lab. Drs Gottman drop the ULTIMATE Relationship Bombshells, including the 4 Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse (Spot these 4 predictors of relationship demise before they DESTROY your love life!), PLUS....learn the #1 skill for Connection and BETTER SEX! Your relationship is either HELPING or HARMING you HEALTH, and is a big factor in how you fight disease. The Gottmans also break down: - The #1 Cause of CHEATING & how it can lead to PTSD - Childhood Trauma's Hidden Role in Relationships: How a lack of positive relationship role models can WRECK your marriage - Ways to better support your partner's trauma - Why Addiction can spell disaster for even the strongest of relationships - Phases of recovery from affairs & other forms of betrayal - How to argue with your partner in a healthy way - Why today's culture seems to be afraid of long term commitment - Codependency: Is it really as HORRIBLE as it sounds, or could it be the key to your marriage's survival & your own longevity? - Why Women Are UNHAPPY: The unsettling reason behind women's relationship dissatisfaction and the FEARS they face daily - Men's Emotional Needs: How today's involved dads are CHANGING EVERYTHING - Social Media's Role in Cheating: How it's fueling nonmonogamy and screwing up your communication - Effects of porn addiction on the other partner - Key communication factors in healthy partnerships - The Managerial Marriage: Why losing PLAYTIME is the nail in the coffin for happy marriages - The Power of a 6-SECOND KISS: This simple act could SAVE your relationship! TUNE IN to MBB now & learn how to turn around your relationship before it's too late! Follow us on Substack for Exclusive Bonus Content: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bialikbreakdown.substack.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠BialikBreakdown.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠YouTube.com/mayimbialik⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

In Honor of Valentine's Day, we're revisiting what we think is our most comprehensive episode on relationships to date! Relationship Experts Drs. John & Julie Gottman EXPOSE the SHOCKING REASON Why Relationships Fail. 94% Accurate Divorce Predictions: Discover the biggest predictors that guarantee which marriages will crumble and how to get the LOVE you WANT! The Gottman duo are world leading relationship researchers that have been studying couples for over 40 years, publishing over 200 academic journal articles and 46 books. They are the co-founders of The Gottman Institute and Love Lab. Drs Gottman drop the ULTIMATE Relationship Bombshells, including the 4 Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse (Spot these 4 predictors of relationship demise before they DESTROY your love life!), PLUS....learn the #1 skill for Connection and BETTER SEX! Your relationship is either HELPING or HARMING you HEALTH, and is a big factor in how you fight disease. The Gottmans also break down: - The #1 Cause of CHEATING & how it can lead to PTSD - Childhood Trauma's Hidden Role in Relationships: How a lack of positive relationship role models can WRECK your marriage - Ways to better support your partner's trauma - Why Addiction can spell disaster for even the strongest of relationships - Phases of recovery from affairs & other forms of betrayal - How to argue with your partner in a healthy way - Why today's culture seems to be afraid of long term commitment - Codependency: Is it really as HORRIBLE as it sounds, or could it be the key to your marriage's survival & your own longevity? - Why Women Are UNHAPPY: The unsettling reason behind women's relationship dissatisfaction and the FEARS they face daily - Men's Emotional Needs: How today's involved dads are CHANGING EVERYTHING - Social Media's Role in Cheating: How it's fueling nonmonogamy and screwing up your communication - Effects of porn addiction on the other partner - Key communication factors in healthy partnerships - The Managerial Marriage: Why losing PLAYTIME is the nail in the coffin for happy marriages - The Power of a 6-SECOND KISS: This simple act could SAVE your relationship! TUNE IN to MBB now & learn how to turn around your relationship before it's too late! Follow us on Substack for Exclusive Bonus Content: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bialikbreakdown.substack.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠BialikBreakdown.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠YouTube.com/mayimbialik⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Guest host Geena Davis helps us explore how the love we feel —for our partners, friends, family, even our four legged companions—shapes our brains, bodies, and lives.Summary: On this episode of The Science of Love with Geena Davis, we delve into the many forms of love, and experts share research on how small daily actions, physical touch, and emotional attentiveness strengthen relationships, while evolutionary and neuroscience studies reveal why these bonds matter. We also explore practical strategies for cultivating deeper connections and understanding the biological and psychological roots of love.Scroll down for a transcription of this episode.Related The Science of Happiness episodes:  The Science of Love Series: https://bit.ly/TheScienceofLoveThe Science of Love, with Geena Davis (Episode 1): https://tinyurl.com/bfave5wdHow 7 Days Can Transform Your Relationship: https://tinyurl.com/bdh2ezhrToday's Guests:DANIEL LEVITIN is a neuroscientist, musician, and bestselling author of the books, Music as Medicine: How We Can Harness Its Therapeutic Power and I Heard There Was a Secret Chord: Music As Medicine. Follow Daniel Levitin on IG: https://www.instagram.com/daniellevitinofficialJOHN GOTTMAN is a psychologist and the co-founder of The Gottman Institute. JULIE GOTTMAN is a clinical psychologist and co-founder of The Gottman Institute and President of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. Learn more about John and Julie Gottman here: https://www.gottman.com/JUSTIN GARCIA is an evolutionary biologist and international authority on the science of sex and relationships. Learn more about Justin Garcia here: https://tinyurl.com/2c39cs6rANNA MACHIN is a British evolutionary anthropologist at the Department of Experimental Psychology at Oxford University, England and author of the book Why We Love: The Definitive Guide to Our Most Fundamental Need. Learn more about Anna Machin here: https://annamachin.com/MARISA G. FRANCO is a psychologist and professor at The University of Maryland and author of the book “Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make – and Keep – Friends.”Learn more about Marisa G. Franco here: https://drmarisagfranco.com/Message us or leave a comment on Instagram @scienceofhappinesspod. E-mail us at happinesspod@berkeley.edu or use the hashtag #happinesspod.Help us share The Science of Happiness! Leave us a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or share this link with someone who might like the show: https://tinyurl.com/2p9h5aapFunding for this special was provided by the John Templeton Foundation, as part of the Greater Good Science Center's Spreading Love Through the Media initiative.Transcription: https://tinyurl.com/4b52azja

In this episode, we break down the Gottman Institute's emotional bank account - sharing simple daily deposits you can make this February to strengthen you connections and keep your relationship balances thriving!Resources:The Happiness Journey by Bob & Virginia PothierThe Gottman InstitutePositive on Purpose Episode #20We are so grateful for your support! Please share this podcast with someone who needs it and leave us review: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/positive-on-purpose/id1531548022

From emotional cheating and red-hot debates on onscreen “love” (looking at you, Margot Robbie and Jacob Elordi), to AI deepfakes, Paris Hilton's epic advocacy, and the TRUTH about why women's stress skyrockets with a messy house…. Nothing is off limits in this live, jam session. Whether you're here for the spicy gossip, the “WTF do I do if my friend is touchy with my partner?” Q&A, or just want to finally hear the science behind why you can't sit down if there's a dirty kitchen, this episode is your safe space, your hype house, and your wake up call all-in-one. SHOWNOTES Margot Robbie, Jacob Elordi & the steamy marketing machine… where's the line between acting and actual attraction? “My (married) friend won't stop touching my husband. Help!” How AI deepfake porn is invading women's (and CHILDREN's) lives - 90% of non-consensual AI porn targets women The resentment trap: How unspoken housework divides lead to relationship apocalypse (literally. The Gottman Institute has the receipts) PROOF it's never too late: One badass woman's viral story to inspire you to take the leap and change your life—no matter your age or circumstances Thank you to our sponsors:  Found: Open a Found account for FREE at http://found.com Shopify: Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial period at https://shopify.com/lisa Daily Look: 50% code WOI https://dailylook.com OneSkin: 15% off with code LISA at https://oneskin.co/lisa FOLLOW ME FOR UPDATES & FUTURE LIVES:  Instagram: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/lisabilyeu/⁠ YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/womenofimpact⁠ TikTok: ⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@lisa_bilyeu?lang=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lisabilyeu Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From emotional cheating and red-hot debates on onscreen “love” (looking at you, Margot Robbie and Jacob Elordi), to AI deepfakes, Paris Hilton's epic advocacy, and the TRUTH about why women's stress skyrockets with a messy house…. Nothing is off limits in this live, jam session. Whether you're here for the spicy gossip, the “WTF do I do if my friend is touchy with my partner?” Q&A, or just want to finally hear the science behind why you can't sit down if there's a dirty kitchen, this episode is your safe space, your hype house, and your wake up call all-in-one. SHOWNOTES Margot Robbie, Jacob Elordi & the steamy marketing machine… where's the line between acting and actual attraction? “My (married) friend won't stop touching my husband. Help!” How AI deepfake porn is invading women's (and CHILDREN's) lives - 90% of non-consensual AI porn targets women The resentment trap: How unspoken housework divides lead to relationship apocalypse (literally. The Gottman Institute has the receipts) PROOF it's never too late: One badass woman's viral story to inspire you to take the leap and change your life—no matter your age or circumstances Thank you to our sponsors:  Found: Open a Found account for FREE at http://found.com Shopify: Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial period at https://shopify.com/lisa Daily Look: 50% code WOI https://dailylook.com OneSkin: 15% off with code LISA at https://oneskin.co/lisa FOLLOW ME FOR UPDATES & FUTURE LIVES:  Instagram: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/lisabilyeu/⁠ YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/womenofimpact⁠ TikTok: ⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@lisa_bilyeu?lang=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lisabilyeu Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ever felt like no matter how much you prepare for an important conversation with your partner, you still end up missing each other entirely? In the heat of tough conversations, even the best intentions can get lost as tension rises and defenses go up. It's all too easy for moments of misunderstanding to snowball, leaving both people feeling disconnected and unsure how to find their way back to each other. In this episode, you'll discover a radically simple approach to transforming those tense moments into opportunities for true connection. Looking through the lens of openness, which the conversation calls the "aperture effect," you'll learn why slowing down, becoming mindful, and attuning to each other's emotional states can help you break free from unhelpful patterns. Explore practical techniques to foster emotional safety, collaboration, and presence so you can turn even challenging interactions into pathways for deeper understanding and closeness. Kathryn Ford, M.D., is a psychiatrist, couples therapist, and author. Her work is a unique integration of mindfulness, psychotherapy, and neuroscience. After receiving her M.D. degree from Brown School of Medicine, Dr. Ford completed a residency in psychiatry at Stanford University School of Medicine. Her meditation practice and studies developed her understanding of the power of mindfulness for building deeper, more resilient relationships. She has taught at Stanford Continuing Studies, Stanford Medical School, and  Santa Clara University, and publishes regularly online in Psychology Today.   Episode Highlights 04:02 The Aperture Effect—an exploration at the intersection of psychiatry, mindfulness, and neuroscience. 09:40 What happens when openness shuts down in conversation? 11:26 The brain's role in relationship dynamics and mindful self-awareness. 15:23 Recognizing and responding to real-time emotional signals. 17:14 How our openness fluctuates moment to moment: Practical awareness skills. 21:08 Why slowing down changes everything: Strategies for connection over resolution. 26:06 Openness on a continuum: Tracking your state in challenging conversations. 29:16 Regrouping when things get rocky: Navigating pauses and timeouts. 33:53 Moving between vulnerability and defensiveness. 38:13 Vulnerability as the pathway to connection. 42:18 The power of naming your emotional state. 43:30 Learning and practicing aperture awareness and mindfulness.   Your Checklist of Actions to Take Practice mindful pausing: When you notice tension or confusion in conversations with your partner, pause for a deep breath to ground yourself and slow the interaction. Regularly check in with yourself during discussions. Ask, "Am I open or closed right now?" and observe your body for cues like warmth (open) or tension (closed). Use the "Two Sentences" exercise by limiting your speaking turns to one or two sentences and then pausing, giving both you and your partner time to process before responding. Be explicit about your emotional state, for example, saying, "I'm feeling a bit vulnerable discussing this," to invite empathy and understanding. When things get heated, intentionally slow down the dialogue. Avoid rapid-fire responses and give space for reflection. Call a timeout if needed: If either partner rates their openness as a 4 or lower (on a 1-10 scale), suggest a short break to allow both people to regroup and prevent escalation. Reassure and regroup: Offer reassurance like, "I didn't mean to sound harsh," and check if both partners feel ready to continue before moving forward. Acknowledge the need for ongoing conversations: Accept that not every topic needs a final resolution. Focus on maintaining connection, trust, and openness even when issues remain unresolved.   Mentioned The Aperture Effect (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Polyvagal Theory (website) Gottman Institute (website) Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) (*Psychology Today) (link) ERP 340: The Essential Skill Of Tracking Openness in Relationship — An Interview With Dr. Kathryn Ford 12 Relationship Principles to Strengthen Your Love (free guide)   Connect with Kathryn Ford M.D. Websites: kathrynfordmd.com Facebook: facebook.com/KathrynFordMD Instagram: instagram.com/KathrynFordMD LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kathryn-ford-m-d-1a675b2b Substack: substack.com/@kathrynfordmd   Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com