The Human Centipod

In an episode that will go down in history as being one of many podcasts, John finds himself in the lap of luxury at the Mandarin Oriental, where he's treated to an extravagant tea experience, but also gets to say the word “Oriental” without getting cancelled. Next, Carmen and John dive into the chaos of recent world events, observing how Gen Z is now facing the music of cancel culture. The very same monster that the Zoomers created is now destroying them. Fun! It's not like nobody predicted that would happen. The dyslexic duo also serves up double the entertainment with not one, but two movie reviews. First up, they dissect the French-German-Probably Something Else thriller, "Anatomy of a Fall," praising a child actor's performance (though in reality he's probably 35). Then, these two beautiful hosts come very late to the party as they unravel the mysteries of the "Everybody Loves Raymond" finale from 2005. Will you, the listener, decode the hidden meaning behind the sitcom's iconic conclusion and its connection to this podcast? Only time - or a really good fortune teller - will tell.

This episode is packed with more twists than a pretzel seller at a contortionist convention. That's right, it's an all-movie review spectacular as Carmen and John climb the cinematic mountain of "Society of the Snow" from Spain—a film so gripping, it has John gripping himself most of the time, while Carmen contemplates which parts of John to eat last (unsurprisingly, the b-hole is on that list). Then, hold onto your 13-year-old junk as the duo tackles "May/December," a movie so scandalous even AI refuses to write a synopsis of it! This all somehow elegantly leads to Carmen and John's inspiring banter about the Oscars, diversity, and the odor of modern storytelling. Believe me when I say, this is an episode you won't want to listen to! I mean, uh, miss.

This week's guest, Evan Waite - one of John's buddies and humor-writing heroes, as well as the brains behind the forthcoming book "Life Wants You Dead” - spills the comedic beans on his journey from English teacher in China to the illustrious ranks of Fox's "Family Guy." Brace yourself for laughs (or at least, discussions about laughs) as Evan explains navigating the tricky terrain of writing for TV versus print, offering insights into the mysterious art of making people snort through their noses. From Emmy-nominated escapades on "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" to an award-winning conquest with Adult Swim's "Three Busy Debras," you'll want to tune in as he unveils the secrets of comedy and confesses just how many cups of coffee it takes to make the magic happen.

Carmen and John take an unexpected detour into the world of Princess Diana and manage to crash and burn the conversation in a tunnel just like Lady Dead did. Then it's time for the duo to unpack some famous urban legends. But the highlight is Carmen's scatterbrained adventure throughout the episode which takes center stage as she hilariously struggles to focus amidst a chaotic symphony of medication side effects. From royal revelations to questionable urban tales, this episode is a paparazzi chase through lower London that ends with…oh wait, we did that metaphor already. Well, if “The Crown” can regurgitate that dead hussy for money, so can Carmen and John.

John tells Carmen about crashing at his fat, wealthy aunt's mansion, only to discover the pool is a no-go zone thanks to a broken cage and lurking gators. Then Carmen and John dive into some serious "First World problems" at Disney World as they whine about their dumb park reservations system and their new and very confusing "Genie Plus" system. But they have high praise for Bidenomics. As if that wasn't enough, Carmen regresses into childhood antics, and the duo dishes for literally 9 seconds on the Claudine Gay scandal. Lucky you!

Carmen and John dissect the chaos that is John with Covid (his second bout since the PLANdemic began, am I right, nut jobs?). They share sickness anecdotes that teeter between amusing and, well…not amusing. The hosts then engage in an epic showdown of Podcast John vs. Podcast Carmen, unleashing a competitive banter that might just redefine podcasting rivalries. But doesn't. Carmen then spills more beans on her recent comedy special release, and the duo dives deep into the turbulent waters of fame versus non-fame, pondering the merits of recognition in the comedy world without making it too ponderous. To cap it off, they share their riveting take on the thrilling Netflix masterpiece, "Leave the World Behind," promising listeners a cinematic rollercoaster of yawns and death.

Carmen and John dive groin-first into the bizarre world of Beetlejuice, leaving Carmen questioning her life choices since she had never seen the iconic film before (she's seen her groin TOO much, however). As they navigate the spooky antics of the afterlife, the duo takes an unexpected turn to chat about the elusive "Golden Bachelor," a show John not only hasn't seen, but wishes to assassinate. Oh, if only shows could be murdered! Amidst discussions about Sandra Day O'Connor's going to the great big bench in the sky (Hell has a sky, right?), the hosts manage to make up new songs nobody asked for. To wrap things up, they delve into their friend, Adrienne Iapalucci's new comedy special taping, describing it as dark and delicious—like biting into a chocolate bar that gives you an instant mouth orgasm.

Carmen spills the beans about the Annette Benning movie “Nyad" (SPOILER ALERT: In real life, Diane Nyad today resembles the dashing Roger Daltrey). The duo also discusses Carmen's desperate attempts to score spots on Spanish podcasts to promote her Spanish special. [BTW, Carmen's English special “Queef Week” is available on Mark Normand's YouTube channel @MarkNormand!] Then Carmen recounts her latest Mel Robbins lesson and John dives into the Spiderverse movie so, yes, there are TWO movie reviews in this episode. ANOTHER BTW, Carmen had to bail mid-Spiderverse due to an unexpected disco inferno of flashing lights which started to “Mary Hart” her brain (all is explained when you listen, so listen).

Carmen and John dive into "The Blackening" with a movie review (as opposed to, you know, a restaurant review) that asks the burning question: Could white people write this film? The answer? A perplexing mix of yes and no that will leave you feeling less racist. Then John reveals his wild dream (starring “Barbra Streisand”) which Carmen is convinced was an omen for John's acting career. Also, hey…do you like dandruff? No? How about if it comes from a beard? Yes?! Well, then you're going to love the FLAKY discussion the duo has about John's recent adventures on his face. It's cinema, dreams, and skincare gone hilariously wrong on everyone's favorite podcast! Oh, and lots of delusion, too!

Carmen and John dive headfirst into horror-comedy movies, revealing how even the most iconic film formats can get a spine-chilling makeover. But, you know, less articulate than that. Things take an awkward turn as they explore the reverse - high-concept comedies spawned from horror tropes—imagine "What Women Want" where instead of hearing women's thoughts, Mel Gibson heard their periods. Or "Bruce Almighty," but instead he's satan and also a trans activist for some reason (trust us, if you listen to the ep it all makes even less sense). Meanwhile, John spills the beans on surviving the mind-bending rollercoaster that is "Lost" with his son, as Carmen braves the promotional jungle in Madrid for her upcoming comedy specials!

In this spooky episode recorded unspookily on Halloween, Carmen and John share their frightening neighbor's obsession with Halloween-themed songs blasting from their windows on an endless loop all day long. They also dive into a recent mysterious, true "crime" story involving a guy offering cups of blood to passersby in the Village (NYC). The episode then takes a darker turn with the sad news of Matthew Perry's final "Friends" finale. But for the ultimate in terror chills, listen as the duo tells the tale of the ongoing Israeli-Gaza conflict where Ivy League students who support Hamas are discussed as well as people who aren't morons. They also find time for a bone-chilling movie review, a replay of Carmen's Voice Over audition for John's latest animated show, and a spine-tingling commercial for Halloween costumes. Plus, Carmen discusses her eerie experience at a new gym class. To top it off, they put their knowledge to the test with a ghoulish Halloween quiz and introduce some brand new Halloween tunes to get you in the spooky spirit that'll last you days, even weeks, AFTER Halloween! OoooooOOOOOoooooo!

Get ready to embark on a journey through a world of mirrors, prostates, and movie magic! Carmen unveils the groundbreaking "The High Five Habit" mirror technique by Mel Robbins, (who's a winner of the prestigious NOPITW - Number One Podcast in the World or something like that.) Meanwhile, John shares his thrilling visit to the prostate doctor, or was it the urologist? Tune in to solve the medical mystery! Then the dumb-namic duo dives headfirst into the cinematic universe of “Tammy” as they celebrate (and slightly urinate on) the sensational career of Melissa McCarthy. And just when you think it couldn't get any more torturously entertaining, Carmen and John whisk you off to the Toronto Latin Comedy Festival where they discuss Nate Bargatze's SNL hosting gig and share their insights on the ever-evolving show business landscape. It's an episode that'll leave you high-fiving your reflection and begging for no more!

Carmen and John pay tribute to the late and legendary "thigh queen," Suzanne Sommers, then wildly speculate about which celeb might kick the bucket next. They also brainstorm how to modernize the iconic "Three's Company" for today's world. Picture Jack Tripper navigating the pitfalls of online dating and Mr. Furley as a tech-savvy landlord (that's not what they come up with). Next up, Movie Review! They tackle Netflix's Beckham documentary. Carmen unveils her true podcast persona, "Carmy Shmarmy," and confesses her secret dream of becoming BFFs with Victoria Beckham. The duo also share their genius plans for turning babies into sports stars, because it's soooo easy, right? ALSO: Book Club! And no, it's not just comic books; Carmen loves crossword puzzles!

In this uproarious episode of "Cultural Crack-Ups," Carmen and John are joined by the one and only Jason Pollack, a stand-up comedian with a side hustle that'll make you giggle, blush and pee a little: authoring coloring books for adults. And trust us, his latest edition about animal mating is not your typical bedtime story. But wait, there's more! The tri-DUMB-verate then tackle the tragedy in Gaza and manage to create an all new tragedy in comedy. And speaking of comedy, they also discuss the fine art of comedic storytelling, sharing a laugh (and maybe a few lies) about the likes of a popular comedian "in trouble" and other funny folks who bend the truth for a punchline. So get ready for some laughter therapy, a splash of animal passion, and a whole lot of coloring inside and outside the lines! COME ON!!

In this extra spicy episode, Carmen and John dive headfirst into more Hispanic Heritage Month. John's cultural IQ gets tested, and it's a wild ride as he attempts to prove he's mastered more than just the pronunciation of "taco." But speaking of wild rides, Carmen confesses her secret obsession with the latest season of The Bachelor, where a 71-year-old man is searching for love. She claims she's only watching it "for laughs," but her detailed critiques say otherwise. It's a journey through cringe-worthy romance like no other. And in a more somber moment, they pay tribute to the dearly departed Joe Matt, an incredible cartoonist who we lost too young. Then in a more ridiculous moment, John talks about the one time he met this cartoon hero of his and nearly ruined it.

Celebration of "National Hispanic Heritage Month" continues as John bravely tackles his Spanish lessons yet again, answering the question "Will he finally say more than just 'Hola'?" Carmen throws a fiesta with a Quinceañera quiz, but before you think Carmen's all about Spanish and salsa, she reveals her wild adventures in Alaska. Listen in as she shares tales of her trusty cleats helping her escape moose, bear encounters (bear mace and all), and even reindeer dogs. She even tells of her friend who found a chilly surprise under the ice. And, finally, Carmen and John answer the age-old question: How many Spanish speakers can you spot in Alaska's wild tundra?

Carmen and John present their first of several episodes celebrating National Hispanic Heritage Month by doing a dive deep into the Netflix series "THE DIPLOMAT." What does that show have to do with Hispanics, you ask? Well, it doesn't, but the duo dissect it with the enthusiasm of two overzealous armadillos at an ant fiesta (pretend armadillos are Hispanic and that metaphor totally works. Also pretend armadillos are like anteaters. Thanks.). But wait, there's more! Carmen unveils her monthly "Hispanic To Do's" list for John, which includes deciphering the ancient mysteries of dishwashers and their mystical time-saving properties. In between all this, Carmen valiantly attempts the impossible – teaching John Spanish. WARNING: language lesson may or may not involve a tomato-throwing incident.

Our hosts bid a hilarious farewell to summer, recounting their epic battles with vermin that have turned their lives into a critter-filled comedy show. From raccoons invading the duo's fire escape (pictured) to rooftop escapades that sound like raccoon rave parties (not pictured), and misadventures with mice in the McDonald's cherry pie cabinet, they've got stories. Whether they're good or not is up to the internet. But the laughter doesn't stop there! John's dad's tearful tales add an emotional twist, while tales of worms and oatmeal maggots keep things delightfully disgusting. And just when you thought it couldn't get any more about vermin, they dive into a lively discussion about the Republican debate, featuring Vivek Ramaswamy and Chris Christie. This smorgasbord of raccoons, piggies, political banter, and unexpected oatmeal surprises will have you holding onto your sides while thinking twice about dirty hands and what might end up in your butt! (Seriously, listen for the butt message - it's important!)

In this up-and-down episode, the duo embarks on a rollercoaster of hilarity as Carmen relates her recent visit with family to King's Dominion, bravely conquering rides with names that sound more like pro wrestlers circa 1987: Racer 75! The Intimidator! The Dominator! However, adrenaline-fueled excitement soon gives way to an urgent need for a break, and Carmen and John dive into the gripping world of "ZOM 100" (Movie Review), where even zombie sharks can't resist a good read (thanks for that one, A.I. Makes NO sense). To top it all off, they swing by Studio 67 in Medford, NJ to dish out the comedic highlights from John's latest stand-up show. Once you buy your tix to The Human CentiPOD, you might just find yourself wanting to ride this comedy coaster over and over again til you puke, you silly minxes!

Carmen and John embark on a journey from a dock in Southern Virginia, immersing themselves in the heart of 'Trump Country.' The locals exude hospitality, yet they uncover subtle 'tells' that unveil their allegiance to almighty Dayglow Donny. Next, the duo delve into a gripping movie review of 'Alice in Borderland' on Netflix. Transitioning gears (not genders. Gears. Calm down.), C & J introduce their very own sleuth, Johnlock Homies, who takes on the challenge of decoding the enigma that is his archnemesis: Carmenoriarity. In English: After spending a week with her family, John attempts to decipher the array of quirks and complexities that define Carmen's world.

Carmen and John venture into the world of Barbie, joined by Carmen's 18-year-old niece. The trio dive into discussions about the recent movie, dissecting both its charm and its criticisms, including a random tweet from Bill Maher. Broadcasting from a beach house retreat, the hosts navigate a sea of fun, featuring a plethora of old-school video game consoles, quirky marine encounters with jellyfish and stingrays. Meanwhile, back in Queens, people are now getting eaten by sharks as more proof the world can't end fast enough. The episode finally takes an insightful turn as Carmen's niece shares her aspirations for a future major in tourism, shedding light on a new generation's perspective and dreams. But don't worry, there's still the occasional curse word and the random dumb song.

Hold onto Uranus, because Carmen and John are back with an episode that's out of this world! Prepare to have your conspiracy-loving minds blown as the duo dives into the recent mind-boggling UFO findings – yes, you heard it right, alien tech that's so advanced, even our microwaves are feeling insecure (thanks for that one, Chat GPT). But here's the kicker, folks: while extraterrestrial gear is making cameo appearances in all our lives, turns out, no one really gives a cosmic hoot! But fear not, we're not just probing Area 51 today; we're also giving Congress a much needed prostate exam as we walk you through a roll call of oldies in government – from McConnell's poker face to Biden's aviator sunglasses, and don't even get us started on Feinstein's secret stash of... cough drops? (You're on a roll, Chat GPT!). And that's just the appetizer, because we're cranking up the weird meter with a mysterious Movie Review that's so spine-tinglingly hilarious, we legally can't even mention the name in this synopsis! Then it's a smorgasbord of climate change topics from melting dead hikers to nature's culinary delights. Remember: the truth is out there, but so is the laughter! (Okay, Chat, you dropped the ball on that one.)

Ever wondered what happens when movie genres collide? The Centipodders got the scoop as they dive into a movie review of "Happy Death Day," where Groundhog Day meets horror! It's more kooky than spooky. Then, buckle up for Carmen's wild workout struggles with rock climbing - it's no walk in the park, boy howdy! At one point, John thinks he's a genius when he comes up with a climbing comedy premise, but is he really? (Answer: yes.) Next, Carmen spills the beans on her obsession with "American Ninja Warrior," and trust us, it's ninja-tastic (just like that wordplay was wordplay-arvelous)! Finally, get ready for some goofs 'n' giggles as Carmen spills the beans on her American comedy special and the awkwardness of listening to yourself while editing yourself - we've all been there! BONUS: You, the listener, are beautiful.

In this uproarious episode, Carmen and John go haywire now that SAG and the WGA are striking together - especially since the discovery of sneaky studio execs who plan to wait out for broke writers to lose their homes. Those nasty crumb-bums! But fear not, thanks to SAG, the picket lines are looking fabulously fierce. Meanwhile, John's sail rises from a recent "Castaway"-like news story, and Carmen's second comedy special has her battling the funny flu...again. Finally, hold on tight as Carmen takes you to a music and comedy festival called CRUILLA in Barcelona, where the jokes and melodies collide for an unforgettable hermosa noche of ha-ha's (we mean JA JA's!) 

The great Phoebe Robinson sits with the duo for a full-ep interview. The comedian, actress, and New York Times best-selling writer discusses where she was quarantined at the beginning of Covid and how it impacted her relationships. Also filming her movie, “Ibiza” and how much sleep she lost. That's about when John shows up due to running late thanks to the WGA strike (and oversleeping). MORE: Carmen and Phoebe swap comedy stories, talk Bill Murray's new girlfriend, what it was like for Phoebe to interview Michelle Obama FIVE times, and how all the comedy career rules are constantly changing. PLUS info on how to get tix for Phoebe's new tour “Messy AF.”

The duo gives a Writer's Strike update. Those evil studios are starting to cancel shows, specifically signaling buyer's remorse for activist shows like “Dear White People.” Wow. You mean corporations DON'T care about people and ideals and equality and ONLY care about money? Huh. Then Carmen and John talk about their time together in Philly prepping for Carmen's special (already taped - thanks to all who attended! More news on that in the coming weeks). Carmen also has a story about her Uber driver when she was in Dallas. John was in Michigan for his niece's graduation on a hot early summer day from the comfort of his air-conditioned hotel room.

In this episode, the Centipod welcomes guest, Lane Moore: comedian, author, Tinder Show Host! Lane talks about her new book, "You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult.” Carmen and John learn a lot from Lane about a topic they know very little about: friendship. Lane goes over not only how to make friends as an adult, but also how to keep them, and, above all, how to have meaningful friendships. Lane also discusses her very popular traveling stage, "Tinder Live" and gets into all the rip-off versions out there. Everyone should check out this show, but BUYER BEWARE -make sure you've got tix to the original! Also in this ep, be on the  "listen out" for a gas leak - and for once it has nothing to do with John.

Carmen swears to John she didn't get a butt lift and never will. Then she talks about recent anti-aging facials which she thinks are dumb, but Carmen will do anything to look younger ON HER SPECIAL. DID WE MENTION CARMEN LYNCH IS SHOOTING A COMEDY SPECIAL (see her website for detes!) Then the duo talk about the difference between therapy and Mel Robbins. (HINT: therapy is talking about your feelings but Mel is about ACTING on them!) Also John can't stand Mel's voice so doesn't listen to her. MOVIE REVIEW: Crap starring Stephen Merchant. Also John gives a WGA strike update including how long he thinks it will go for and why all show business problems can be blamed on Harvard comedy writers. Bitter much? Answer: Yes.

Carmen's not that kind of "special" (yes she is), but she IS taping TWO comedy specials and she shares all of the details and psychotic thoughts she's having about that. Then the duo discusses a recent article about Joe Rogan's new comedy club and John coins the term "digital speakeasy" and your dumb ears are there to witness it. Carmen also recounts her week performing at Brad Garrett's comedy club at the MGM in Vegas and the amazing blast she had - and Brad was there and he's the best! EVERYBODY LOVES BRAD, YOU MEAN! BONUS: A special guest drops by (but it's not Brad).

Jena talks about her new book “Not Funny: Essays on Life, Comedy, Culture, Et Cetera,” what long form improv taught her, how Chicago wasn't such a fan of hers (but NYC was), an incident with an interview where she was taken very out of context and made to look bad and forever deemed “The Muse of Mediocrity." Jena and Carmen also compare their experiences at the Edinburgh Festival. Finally, Jena talks about working with Sasha Baron Cohen on the Borat sequel as well as her time on Letterman. Oh, and there's also a really fun technical glitch!

The actress - who brings the hilarious Stevie Budd to life on the Emmy-winning sitcom - sits down with Carmen and John for the entire ep. She's on to promote her new rom-com, "The End of Sex" which the duo loved way more than they thought they would. Seriously, who watches rom-coms anymore? Well, John and Carmen are here to tell you to watch this one! Funny, poignant and well acted, it's quite the treat among the blah superhero pickings out there. Emily talks about working with an intimacy coordinator on a movie set for all the sex scenes (oh yeah!). Then John picks her brain about her new graphic novel "Amelia Aierwood - Basic Witch." Finally, the threesome gets into what the writer's strike might mean for our entertainment future - if it happens!

Carmen tags out of this episode thanks to a hilarious root canal (so you know what she'll be TRYING to talk about next ep)! John does his best to make their guest feel at home - Zach Zimmerman, a kick-ass standup and now book author of the hilarious collection of essays, ”Is It Hot in Here (Or Am I Suffering for All Eternity for the Sins I Committed on Earth)?” There's also some real poignant parts, too! John and Zach discuss his writing process, Zach trying out as a male cheerleader in high school, Zach coming out to his Christian relatives, and they both share stories of having their lives saved by professionals: firemen in Zach's case, lifeguards in John's. Why don't you save your own life from boredom by listening to this episode?

Welcome to the latest episode of "The Social Butterfly Effect," where Carmen and John talk about how social media is taking over our lives and leaving us with no time for anything else, am I right??? The duo discusses some serious issues in this one, like plastic surgery and how it's taking over our feeds. But, they're also going to have some laughs along the way, because let's face it, if we don't laugh, we'll cry. Not that you'll be able to tell anyone's crying thanks to all the plastic surgery, am I right??? John and Carmen also talk about how corporations have us by the balls and how we're all addicted to attention (watch Chris Rock's new special.) Carmen also relays her recent iPhone service chat experiences with a tech helper named “Manmeat" who gave her some virtual love. Next, John fantasizes about adding a sex robot to his and Carmen's bed and, not to be outdone, Carmen wants to add her own sex robot, too (see “Manmeat”). The duo saves the episode's real gold for last when they talk about Judy Gold and her amazing one-woman show Off-Broadway. Overall, it's a real family-friendly episode if you fast-forward through certain (most) chunks. Enjoy!

We talk Donald Trump's indictment, which feels like it was ages ago but we always give it a new twist. Then there's Dilbert's Scott Adams and racism, diversity in the workplace, a new cafe near the duo and the sweet, horrible woman who runs it, and NOT a movie review of Peacock's “Poker Face.” Somebody has cramps in this episode, can you guess who?

In the first episode of Season Five of the Human CentiPOD, Carmen and John review their European comedy tour (or, rather, Carmen's comedy tour that John hijacked for seven days). Thanks to a German-wide airport strike, Carmen and John got to feel what it must've been like to be a German Jew in 1939 as they tried to escape - only to run into totally different problems in London. Also, John forgot to pack something very important for the trip that doesn't involve his penis for once. Movie Review: HBO's "The Last of Us" starring Pedro Mandalorian as the guy and also a girl is in it. BONUS: Carmen sleep talks for a change.

It's the final episode of Season 4 before the duo launch into Season 5 sometime in April. If you're a Patreon member, you will get exclusive mini-episodes in the meantime, lucky bastards. In this finale of all things "fin" Don Lemon's horrible misogyny is discussed ad nauseam. So is Patricia Heaton's response (bet you weren't aware of that one - but she did). Movie Review: "My Policeman" starring Hairy Styles. In the end, Carmen and John discuss their favorite moments from their fourth season of their AM radio knock-off known as a podcast. Or at least moments. See you in April!

John went to KIDSCREEN - a conference for producers and writers and investors, etc. for all things animation. Held in Miami this year and starting on Super Bowl Sunday (because nerds who draw cartoons don't watch), Carmen learns (as will you) everything you never wanted to know about the animation world. The duo next launches into cures for bad backs. Well, not so much cures as complaining. Somehow this leads to talk of colostomy bags as John recounts the time his dad had one for three months. It's an episode full of literal crap for a change - enjoy!

Miley Cyrus' new song "Flowers" is discussed and dissected at length - and very lovingly since Carmen thinks it speaks to her personally and John thinks it's the perfect theme song for the social media age - everyone is isolated so you have no choice but to love yourself, so you might as well love yourself better. Then Carmen quizzes John on relationships before he launches into telling old Valentine's Day jokes he wrote on a CBS show from long, long ago. The duo wraps up by asking Chat GPT specific love questions. That's right, they use the most powerful AI tool in history to answer Magic 8-Ball-style questions. Happy Valentine's Day!

Carmen and John spend most of this episode celebrating the beginnings of Black History Month. But before that, they finally detail what happened with last week's "Lost" episode. THEN...the new - and critically contentious - MLK statue in Boston is discussed (mostly because it looks like a penis - which the duo just can't see). Other segments include: "Some Of Our Favorite People Who Happen Be Black" and "Let's Use Chat GPT to Solve Racism" including the AI's thoughts on whether or not there will be a race war and, if yes, what should everyone wear for it?

It's Carmen's birthday! John gave Carmen an intimate gift: the privilege of picking him up after his recent colonoscopy. The pair get into the ins and outs of colons including an incredible anecdote about how technology helps us to be disgusted, quicker. Then mortality is discussed. But don't distress, for there is a movie review of Netflix's "The Menu" followed by John's telling of the one time he ever waited tables in his life. Oh and then there's a second movie review! This time of "M3gan." This one was actually seen in a real live movie theater - you'll want to check this out just to hear what moment scared the duo the most. Also: do you smell? Well, don't worry if you do, because this episode contains a fake commercial about a fake product that will do nothing to help you so actually, yeah, keep worrying.

Carmen and John are either sick or surrounded by sickies. Everyone is sick now - it's the thing. This episode is over zoom for personal Carmen reasons that she gets into. Then the duo talk a lot about getting old. Also John had lunch with his landlord recently. And then, oh, wow, things get real personal when John talks about all the women with herpes he's slept with. This segues into the history of HPV. But don't forget Movie Reviews! The couple just finished the Shetland TV series on Britbox and then they give you an earful, mate. Which gets the two also talking about what celeb of the same gender would they sex up if they were allowed. Also, Carmen spills secrets about a past boyfriend. What a saucy ep!

Carmen plugs so many upcoming shows that at first you may mistake this episode for just one long commercial. Then John coughs (there's a bit of phlegm in this episode as the hosts battle rival colds). Movie Reviews (really Movie Ruinations since it's wall-to-wall spoilers) include “Bodies, Bodies, Bodies” and small discussions about “Pearl” and “Tar.” Next, Carmen talks about taking her family to Six Flags Kings Dominion over Christmas and riding rollercoasters in the freezing cold. The duo wraps up talking about gifts. Wraps up, get it? 2023 is of to a punny start!

Carmen and John close out the year with several in-depth movie reviews starting with “The Black Phone” starring Ethan Hawke's forehead. Then there's “The White Lotus” and, amazingly, the duo never connects the black and white connection between the two titles. Carmen goes on to relate how “The White Lotus” got her recent post booted from Instagram thanks to Theo James' pee pee. The duo next discusses a big new story in John's life and then wonder about what should or should not be posted on socials. The final review is of a Britcom that came out ten years ago proving once again that when the hosts of THE HUMAN CENTIPOD  come late to a party they come LATE. Happy New Year!

Carmen and John continue a Christmas tradition on the Centipod by not having any tradition at all. John tells the tale of the time he had to fake talking to Santa on his cell phone in order to fool his toddler son and save the day. Meanwhile, Carmen reads random letters from strangers to Santa so she can mercilessly pick them apart for all sorts of non-Christmas-y reasons. The continuing homeless problem in this great nation of ours is also discussed. Throughout, the listener is treated to special Yuletide messages from Santa, Mrs. Claus, some reindeer, and...the ghost of Casey Kasem!

New York City is pulling mentally unstable people off the streets and involuntarily sending them to hospitals. But the duo would rather focus on Hulu's "The Patient" starring Steve Carell. Carmen and John spend fifteen minutes basically telling everyone not to watch it and why - even though they loved it! Also: Thanksgiving recap: Thanksgiving in a Virginia restaurant! PLUS: The worst fake commercial yet. Then - why a notable comedy club gave Carmen Lynch a baseball bat for headlining is never really explained, but what the duo want to do with said baseball bat is gone into with great, long, unnecessary detail. 

Ian talks about his new (and very funny) comedy special on HBO: “Romantic Comedy." Ian and Carmen swap club stories and also tell some of their fave/worst comedy moments. Then Ian answers the question everyone wants to know the answer to: what is it REALLY like to be Afro-Latino? Then things get serious (but not too serious) when Carmen and John get into Ian's challenges of having to put a new hour together during the sudden death of his mom last year. If you like what you hear, the show's Patreon account HAS A BONUS CLIP where Ian talks about his writing process that's very interesting which John especially found illuminating (and slightly arousing).

The Best Podcast Episode of 2022 is this one. Well, maybe not the "best," but it IS Carmen and John's favorite so far. Beginning with John telling a true and funny story about someone messing up pronouns in a work situation - and it won't offend you, we promise, ya tippy-toed water sprites! Also, Carmen relays big news about not being in therapy anymore (and John can tell - also check out her nutso TikTok videos for more proof). Carmen also uses this opportunity to plug her new Spanish podcast and then John whines that he needs to learn Spanish. The show also has some new fake sponsors and Carmen plugs her new queef T-shirt that you the listener can actually purchase! (It's a t-shirt with a funny queef joke, not a t-shirt she queefed on, but those also sell well.)

Carmen and John talk about their favorite movie of the year for the entire episode. If they believed in awards, they'd also believe this film really should win Best Picture. They also break down typical horror movie tropes and cliches and explain (poorly) how this movie turns them all on their heads. At one point, the movie inspires Carmen to talk about the time long ago when she was almost abducted by a creep in a van (no, that's not how she met John. He used a net). Throughout, of course, John does more mansplaining than moviesplaining. If you haven't yet seen this movie, by the end of this episode it will feel like you did (although a much more ridiculous version).

The duo recounts their very recent trip to San Francisco together as John continues to stalk Carmen while she's on the road. Carmen details a part of her act containing queefs  which is very important. Meanwhile, John remembers his time living in the Bay Area back in the 90s and his adventures at the American Conservatory Theater where he earned his Equity card that he's barely used since. Carmen then shares a tale of meeting a new four-legged friend which leads the two to discuss pets in general. PLUS: More terrible fake commercials!

Carmen and John's guest in this episode is André Darlington, food critic extraordinaire and author of eight books including his latest: “BAR MENU: 100+ Drinking Food Recipes for Cocktail Hours at Home.” André gets everyone in the holiday spirit by talking nifty liquor and food combos. He then shares which are the drunkest countries in the world and also fascinating histories behind some of your favorite cocktails. As the episode continues, Carmen and John get drunk on all the fun and you're guaranteed to feel it, too. Or at least the hangover.