Emsolation with Em Rusciano

Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/Emsolation See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hands up who wants to hurriedly push 2020 out the door like it’s some long lost Uncle who gatecrashed your Christmas party, insulted and traumatised your guests, and sneezed all over your food. We’re gonna assume most of you raised your hands so fast that you pretty much punched the sky in your haste to confirm that we is all well and truly done with this dumpster fire of a year. As this will be our final episode of Emsolation for the year, Em and Michael have a bunch of stuff they wanna work through before they bid you bye bye. First up, they’ll tackle the backlash Lizzo is receiving for promoting a 10 day smoothie detox that she’s just completed on Instagram. Em and Michael also wanna talk about how the debut novel from a new feminist author called Florence Given, has been completely derailed, after a one time friend of Florence accused her of ripping off Black women's work for her book ‘Women Don’t Owe You Pretty’. Then it’s time to grab a large popcorn, a choc top and a stupidly large fizzy drink, and settle into your recliner for the greatest story ever told. Em is ready for the tea to be spilled as she runs us through what she’s calling ‘The Final Meltdown’. This ain't no movie, it’s not a musical, a book, or even a song, although it probably could be turned into all of those things, nope ‘The Final Meltdown’ is what Em is calling what went down when the whole year just came up and hit her in the face during her family beach holiday. Basically, Em just let her family know ALL the things they’d done during the year, that made her feel unappreciated. Em is describing it as The Greatest Tale that she’s ever told, she even likens herself to being a Slow Cooker. Finally, we wrap things up on some fun, with a Michael Lucas Madonna quiz, which we’re pretty much doing just so we can really illustrate how deep Michael’s complete obsession for Madge is. We also wanna thank everyone for coming along on this hilariously hectic and glitter stuffed ride, we promise there’s more of that to come in 2021 and we’re sending podcast hugs to you and yours. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This episode of Emsolation is a little on the hefty side, naturally it’s filled to the brim with the usual campery and fun, we even get a chance to revisit one of Em’s favourite topics, conspiracy theories, but the one thing helping to make this an extra long episode? Probably something to do with the solid 20 minutes that Em devotes to ranting about James Corden in the new Netflix movie ‘The Prom’. Ultimately Em loved ‘The Prom’, why wouldn’t she, it’s got Meryl Streep and Nicole Kidman in it, it’s got singing, dancing and LOTS of glitter and campery, so naturally all of that is a giant yaaas. However Em just wishes they’d hire proper singers and dancers, she was so mad, but then she still loved it because she’s meant to love it. Em stayed up all night thinking about it, so here’s the takeaways, Meryl is pretty solid, Nicole is loopy and definitely not a Fosse dancer, and James Corden...well you should probably just listen to get the full rundown on Em’s thoughts on James, so prep yourself for a lot of talk about ‘The Prom’, like, a LOT. Then we move onto Taylor Swift’s new album ‘evermore’ and some of the secret meanings behind the songs that her fans have decided are DEFINITELY true. Em is all about Taylor Swift song conspiracy theories, mostly because they are safe conspiracy theories, you know they’re not telling people to drink bleach or convince you every vaccine has microchips inside. Instead they push theories about the meanings of Taylor’s lyrics, who the songs are about, and even announcing the names of her famous friends' forthcoming babies. Finally we’ll devote a bit of time to Delta Goodrem’s Christmas Special, so this episode is pretty much camper than Christmas, so camp you should probs wrap yourself in tinsel and hang a Christmas bauble on each ear while you listen, you know, just to team with the theme. Or not, we’re not about to tell you how you should dress while you listen, so please feel free to get around it in the nude if that works better, you do you boo. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Let’s start this description off with an acknowledgement that Em and Michael, are both operating from weird, scatterbrained places this week. Michael is in the midst of filming his new TV series called ‘The Newsreader’ which is coming to the ABC in 2021. As you can imagine, filming a TV series is a HUGE effort, it’s full on from start to finish, so that means Michael needs to be everywhere, all at once, doing everything from putting out fires, to the general hysteria that comes from managing a bunch of creative people who are all working to bring your script to life. Meanwhile, Em was settling into her first counselling session with a brand spanking new psychologist this week, so she’s been pretty focussed on that. Hence Em and Michael figure why not talk about all of that in this podcast, let’s just talk about it. Once they’ve taken you from the pandemonium of filming a TV series during a pandemic, to the blurk of being on a brand new couch about to go over all of your things with a new psychologist, they’ll move onto the sexy retelling of the Colonel Sanders origin story, starring 90’s heart throb Mario Lopez. Yes you hungie percent read that right, and yes it is the same Colonel Sanders who introduced the world to Kentucky Fried Chicken. It would seem that Lifetime and KFC have partnered together to throw some money into making a sexy 15 minute mini movie, a romantic thriller if you will. Em and Michael have zero idea how much of this romantic rendering of the Colonel’s origin story is true, but they can report that they are here for it and also that there isn’t a sex scene that involves KFC gravy and a bed of hot chips, all filmed by a drone, which really does seem like a missed opportunity. There’s also a bunch of chat around the hardships of starting with a new therapist and the process of telling them ALL of the things. Then we wrap up by reflecting on Madge getting a tattoo, because when Madonna gets ink for the very first time, obviously we’re gonna be there to reflect it and critique it. So set your brains to scatter, with a sprinkling of weird (which is probably how most of us operate them on the regular anyway) and you’ll once again find this listening experience very agreeable. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

As a regular consumer of this podcast, when we tell you that the content of today’s episode will cover everything from a Mariah Carey Christmas Special, the relentless weirdness of Rudy Giuiliani over the last few weeks, plus more on ‘The Crown’ and that doyen of all things soooo hot right now, Harry Styles, then you’d realise we’ve stumbled across peak Emsolation content. As you can no doubt imagine, having assembled THE perfect menu for Em and Michael to reflect on, most of this podcast will obviously be dominated by reflecting the Queen of Christmas returning to our TV screens. You’ll experience a full review from Em on ‘Mariah Carey’s Magical Christmas Special’, mostly delivered without actually pausing for breath, so prepare yourself for a verbal tsunami of Diva inspired gushing. Then it’s onto Netflix’s refusal to acknowledge at the beginning of each episode of ‘The Crown’ that the series isn’t an actual documentary. That refusal has helped trigger a new round of hatred towards Camilla and Charles as they find themselves suddenly unpopular again as a result of the new seasons storyline. After we work through that, it’s onto the clusterfluff of relentless “What the actual WHAT!??!” that has been Rudy Guiliani over the last six weeks. Rudy has perfected his own brand of cray-cray and as a result we’ve been dragged through one of the most hectic rides we’ve ever witnessed...so naturally there’s a LOT to talk through. Finally, we see things out with the unending joy that is Harry Styles and his banana, which has inspired Michael to undertake the Harry Styles Banana Photo Challenge. That probably deserves an explanation...but also NOT giving you an explanation OR any context before you see the end result of all Michael’s banana wrangling (as presented in living colour with Em Rusciano approved insta filters attached) is waaaay more fun, hence we’ll be going with that. So grab your headphones, find your favourite space to let your giggles out, and have at the hilarity within, now with an added bonus photographic challenge for you to enjoy once you’re done as well...so many gifts to share hehe. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It’s the final year of the Trump administration living large at the White House, which also means it’s the final year of Melania doing the White House Christmas decorations. Thanks to a bit of leaked audio recorded by a former BFF of Melania, we know she doesn’t “give a f*** about Christmas stuff and decorating. But I need to do it right?”, yes, yes you do Melania. Hence she’s no doubt been showing off her lack of f***s by decking the halls with a variety of weird options, from a forest of 40 blood red Christmas trees, that looked like they’d been the victim of a Carrie style prom night prank, to hallways lined with dead branches, all painted stark white, then shoved into giant white pot plants. So for her final effort, Em was kind of hoping Melania would go for more of a gothic, emo expression with her festive festooning, just as her final fuck you to Americans, sadly she’s gone very traditional with her “America the beautiful” theming. Em and Michael also need to chat about Tara Reid approaching Nicole Kidman via the Instagram comments section on a post by our original BMX Bandit. Seems Tara is on the hustle for actors to appear in a new film she’s producing that revolves around drugging the attendees of a kids party with magic mushrooms, as you do. Rather than bother with agents, and her people talking to their people, Tara seems to have figured, pffft as if, I’m just gonna hit up Nicole Kidman in the comments section of that picture she just casually posted on the ‘gram. At the time of recording, we were still unsure if Nicole had responded yet, Tara and the rest of us, will probably be waiting for a very long time on that reply. Convo’s around Nicole Kidman naturally usher in discussions about whether it is okay or not, to be commenting on Nicole’s face. Naturally, Em would usually say “NO we just don’t comment on the way a woman looks” but she also found Nicole's face was actually distracting at times whilst watching her star in ‘The Undoing’. So prepare yourself for some yuletide yawning, a what the actual what moment of Tara Reid realness, and a tentative talk about how to freeze a face for all eternity, so standard Emsolation action really. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

While we’ve been serving lockdown realness from our lounge rooms, our lady and saviour Dolly Parton has been busy. Not only has she used a stack of her millions to help fund the development of a Covid vaccine, she’s also just casually composed, co-produced and performed in a Christmas movie musical. So naturally Em and Michael will be spending a large portion of this episode deep diving into the seasonal wonder that is the Netflix movie ‘Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square’. To start we’ll need to talk about the outfits, we also need to talk about how Dolly is a VERY sparkly, glamourous, homeless woman, but...she’s Dolly, so as if she isn’t going to be Dolly. Christine Baranski is amazing as Lady Scrooge, but we need to state for the podcast record that Em is quoted as describing it as “really bad, it’s bad, but it’s so bad, it’s good, it really is in that realm”. Em and Michael’s excitement about Mariah Carey’s upcoming Christmas special needs to be reflected too. Speaking of being in Santa season, Michael feels that everyone’s been very eager to put up their Christmas decorations this year, something Em helped confirm when she dropped her “Jason Momoa in a Sparkly Leotard” Christmas extravaganza the previous week. There’s also Rhonda Burchmore being omitted from performing at Carols by Candlelight and how much they loved that she publicly called them out about the snub. Then Michael takes a moment to talk a lot of smack about Carols in the Domain, because he feels that Carols by Candlelight is vastly superior. So secure the drip guard around the base of that lit candle, grab a bag of festively tainted popcorn, and settle in for all that tea to be spilt. Then we talk about the brand new Shawn Mendes documentary that left Em feeling largely underwhelmed, her take away being “he’s clearly a young man who’s just terrified all the time”. Sadly it wasn’t a great rockumentary, especially when you compare it to the benchmark that Madonna set when she released her groundbreaking ‘Truth or Dare’/’In Bed with Madonna’ doco. To see us out Em has an announcement about how Drake should absolutely never play Barack Obama, so secure those headphones of yours over your listen holes or hit the volume on your speakers and get some Emsolation happening.   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Did you know that some people choose a theme when it comes time to dig the Christmas decorations out of storage and deck the halls? Neither did I, but apparently it’s a thing and of course Em is the one who’s made me aware of this fantastical festive festooning fact. This year her theme is...something I would have never considered would be a Christmas decorating starting point, but that’s why we’re here, to celebrate the fact that Em’s seeing in Santa with a “Jason Momoa in a sparkly leotard” theme. You’ll find your confusion will probably dissipate if you check out the added visuals that complete the Christmas theming story on Em’s socials. Theme established, it’s on to Em and Michael talking his new TV show coming to the ABC in 2021, it’s called ‘The Newsreader’. The lead female character is a feisty ethnic woman fighting against the straight white male TV Executives who are trying to make her be something that she’s not. Apparently Michael reckons it’s definitely not based on Em in any way, it’s just not, he’s totes doesn’t know where he got the inspiration though which seems a teensy bit weird. Then we chat about Dan Andrews not running for Federal Politics, which Em and Michael just see as a challenge, it’s a long term goal for them, they’ll probably just need to talk to his wife and get him back on board. We then attempt to calmly express Em’s dismay at an Instagram post from some Melbourne socialite guy, who took time out to share a pic of his new girlfriend, and also shit all over his equally famous former wife in the caption. Em felt it was a misstep for him, she also failed at expressing that calmly, because it really struck a chord with her. There’s also questions about what goes into orchestrating the perfect crying selfie, is it all about the angles? Where should the tear placement be? Can you rock a snot bubble if you capture it in the light beautifully? You know, just normal, stock standard stuff, which then leads to Em confronting Michael on how he never likes any of her photos on Instagram. Basically once Em gently unlatches the restraining bolt on her rage beast, it’s very hard for her to focus, like she’s really distracted, you’ll hear it, so grab your headphones and see if you can pick the moment she let’s it off the chain. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Imagine for a moment that this podcast were a Theme Park, we’d probably call it something snazzy like Emsolation Land, and then this episode would be the BIG DIPPER, our Ultimate Rollercoaster Ride, this is the one that you’d gladly spend hours toasting in the sun, just waiting to finally get strapped into. In fact, you probably need this intro just to cushion you for the full experience we’re about to go on together. We start with Em’s intro, where she reveals how a panic attack inspired a request on socials for your most embarrassing high school stories. Em was hoping that by resharing them on the ‘gram it would help her, and everyone else, realise that we ALL have our own stuff. Then we step into all the different ways that Em’s anxiety chooses to display itself. For donkeys Em thought what she experienced was unique to her, but by talking about it, she’s realised that others feel the exact same way. So maybe when you’re listening to this, you’ll also find yourself going “oh my goodness, I feel nauseous too when I start getting anxious, or sleepy, or impulsive”. Then Em delivers what she described as “an absolute whirlwind, verbal explosion” which includes a moment where Michael has to leave to answer his front door, but Em just keeps the podcast going because she just has so much that she needed to say. There’s the new collaboration between Miley Cyrus and Dua Lipa to reflect on, it would seem that Em wanted more, Michael however was happy with it. Barack Obama sat down with Oprah for an interview, which leads to a chat about what Em and Michael’s Presidential biographies would be titled. Em isn’t a fan of the title of Barack’s, but surprise, surprise, not really anymore but anyway, yes Michael was okay with it. We then arrive at the point of the podcast where Em launches into a very passionate 15 minute sermon on the John Farnham Musical, and why SHE should be playing John. Finally, we wrap up on the article that was written about Em and Michael’s friendship, just so that Em can critique him on his answers, she’s very sweaty by the end of all of this. Oh, she also nearly cries a few times as well, just out of passion...and anxiety. You basically won’t need to exercise after you’ve listened, because you’ll actually feel like you’ve run a marathon. It’s a total whirlwind, so strap in, keep your head down and avoid the flying dairy cows. There are no cows, that’s just a lame ‘Twister’ reference we threw in for added drama and effect. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In this Emsolation conversation Em sits down with modern day viking, heart throb and 1/3 of the comedy group Aunty Donna, Broden Kelly. They discuss dominating Netflix, The Blues Brothers and making it big on your own. Everything’s a drum! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do you know about the power of saying “NO”? If your answer to that question is “NO” then teensy clap for sticking with the theme, but also prepare to be educated on how saying “NO” can actually be very empowering. Em’s said “NO” twice this week already, and in her intro she’s going to run us through how it’s kinda addictive, it also feels good and why you should be saying “NO” more often. So there’s a resounding “YES” to all of that and then we swiftly follow it up with a NOPE to the new season of ‘The Crown’. Em is having real problems with the latest season of the hugely successful Netflix series, she feels like it needs to decide if it’s a documentary, or a work of fiction, because currently it’s dipping in and out of both, and Em also has some issues with the themes as well. Obviously we’re not entirely sure if Peter Morgan, the main writer of ‘The Crown’, is listening to the Emsolation podcast, but let it be known that Em has some notes she’d like to work through within this episode, the basic gist is, she loves it, but she hates it too. Then we move onto former One Directioner Harry Styles making history after appearing as the very first solo male cover star on US Vogue. He acknowledged that moment by shaking things up when it came to his sartorial choices, which saw him being photographed in a skirt, a kilt and a variety of other glamorous ensembles, it is truly magnificent. Unfortunately, having a man in a dress is something that conservative commentator Candace Owens couldn’t cope with, claiming “there is no society that can survive without strong men”, so naturally there’s a lot to unpack there for Em and Michael, plus we also need to talk about how Dolly Parton is actually single handedly curing the Covid virus. So say “NO” to anything and everything else BUT this podcast, and get listening at your earliest convenience. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Question for you first up, no need to answer because obvs we can’t hear you, but here it is nonetheless. Do you think you were the backbone of your household during the pandemic? If you said “ya huh”, “yes”, “well duuuuh” or anything else in the affirmative, then huzzah because Em’s intro is all about YOU! Em’s got props and well dones for you because there’s a chance you didn’t get a well done from the people around you, they saw loosening lockdown laws and bolted, Em’s here to say she sees you and wants to recognise that selfless work just in case those around you didn’t. Then Em and Michael briefly discuss the outbreak in Adelaide, Michael is gonna take a hardline on it this time around, he’s all about shutting those borders if we have to. Our Queen and savior, Dolly Parton, sat down for a talk with Oprah Winfrey, which needs discussion, there’s also questions to be had around the architecture of the flesh gloves Dolly was rocking. Then it’s on to an extensive chat on the Netflix documentary ‘The Crown’ which dropped its 4th season over the weekend. Em hasn’t really had a chance to binge it all as of yet, she only been able to sample a few episodes mostly because she was trapped in a vortex of teen cleaning hell. She’s still a little bit traumatised by what she found, apparently, and this is a direct quote, “there’s not enough showers in the world for me to wash off what I found in Odette’s room” so that sounds spectacularly disgusting, and I for one can’t wait to hear more. So perhaps let your last meal settle a smidge in your tummy, if you’re not good with tales of teenage complacency and what kind of bacteria and exotic funguses they can cultivate as a result of that, you might wanna proceed with caution. Everyone else can dive right in and experience it all in living, breathing, podcast colour whenever you’re ready. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

So when it came time to start recording this episode, we thought we might try and not talk about Donald Trump, but the fact that he’s being such a big baby about the U.S. Election results, meant that Em and Michael inevitably found themselves talking about how he refuses to go, leaving them wondering how this is all going to play out. We also briefly touched on the idea of Ivanka running for President, Michael reckons it won’t happen, Em thinks it needs to be a reality TV show. Then it’s onto an in depth chat about voter fraud, but not in the US Election, no this fraud happened as part of the voting for the 2020 Bird of the Year contest in New Zealand. Ya huh ACTUAL voter fraud happened...in the Bird of the Year contest, talk about ruffling some feathers, it’s enough to make you fly the coop...and other bird related puns. Em was naturally really upset because she LOVES birds and for the first time in the history of this podcast, Em got to flex her native bird knowledge muscles, and yes that is a strange flex but we’re here for it. Em actually takes us through all her favourite native birds, Michael actually only has one bird he rates, Em clearly has many faves, across MANY different categories, so there’s a lot of bird chat from our resident bird lady. We then pause bird chat after Em mentions the scene in Steel Magnolias where Drum, the Dad, shoots at a tree full of birds, so that Michael can tell us about the actor he’s currently working with who met Dolly Parton a couple of weeks ago. This of course allowed Em to show off her Dolly Parton accent, hot tip, it’s way better than her New Zealand accent, and also how she can relate to Drum because her trees are full of noisy Rainbow Lorikeets, but unlike him, she would NEVER take to them with a shotgun. Finally, we’ve gotta reflect on the shit show of our Federal Government refusing to fly the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander flags in the Senate chamber for NAIDOC Week. So fling open the door on our audio aviary, stocked to the rafters with the finest in feathered finery, and crack open an egg of podcast goodness into your ears, and yeah we know it sounds messy, but we promise it’s totally not. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Some might call ‘Dildos and Dead People’ a provocative title for a podcast, and if it wasn’t an episode of Emsolation you might have justified concerns about why those two things are being bought together into one podcast. Then again, maybe you saw that title and thought to yourself “I’m intrigued” or “no way, is this an audio tutorial” or even “finally” and if that’s the case, then you probably can’t sit with us, but we still totally appreciate you being here anyway. So for all those who need reassurance on the episode title before you press play and proceed, it all revolves around the Republicans and the fall out of the U.S. election. Obviously if you haven’t spent ALL your spare time awaiting the arrival of Em and Michael’s post mortem of the US election, then how very dare you and do you even know what you’ve been missing out on?. There’s a list of things to check off, but the fact that the Republicans booked their press conference into a car park at a place called Four Seasons Landscaping, rather than the Four Seasons Hotel is our priority. That’s where the dildos and dead people come in, yes seriously, the Republicans chose to hold a press conference in the carpark at Four Seasons Landscaping, which just happens to sit between a crematorium and an adult sex shop, because of course it does. There’s also Em and Michael’s favourite celebrity reactions to the U.S. election to cover off, plus they wanna share their love for Jill Biden, and Michael wants to outline the moments that made him cry the most. There’s also a bunch of other things happening on the planet, so we’ll also check in on Dan Andrews and the further lifting of restrictions in Victoria, and Em has been sitting on a LOT of excitement around the announcement of the cast for the Australian version of the Broadway musical ‘Hamilton’. So step away from whatever it is you’re wasting your time on right now, and spend some quality time hanging out with us instead. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

So while the world holds its collective breath over the outcome of the 2020 Presidential Race, we obviously have more U.S. election chat for you. At the time of recording we were still balanced on a knife's edge and waiting on Pennsylvania to hurry up and report their figures. While we all wait on the results, it would seem that some people in power are rapidly unspooling. So there’s the amazing press release that was written in all caps from Trump to sort through, plus they’re apparently trying to keep him away from the press. Then there’s a new show on Netflix that Em’s obsessed with, it’s called ‘The Queen’s Gambit’ and it revolves around a young female chess prodigy in the 50’s, surprisingly Em felt she and the central character had a lot in common. Then there’s a lot of time devoted to working through the Goop Christmas List, because of course there is, but if you think it’s going to be all about taking the piss out of Gwyneth and her Goop empire, think again. In fact, Em even dropped the truth bomb that she would actually like EVERYTHING on it, including the $48,000 Pyramid Commode. Em isn’t afraid to say she unabashedly loves the entire Goop Christmas list, she wouldn’t actually buy it of course, she can’t afford it for one, but she still loves it all and she certainly wouldn’t say no if it was all gifted to her, so cmon Gwyneth, sort a glitter sister out if you’re reading this hehe. We also need to help Em process the fact that she has somehow become the vagina woman and how she doesn’t necessarily wanna be that. Remember how when you were little and you perhaps said you loved something specific, like Batman, and then for the next ten years, each and every person you know, gifts you a Batman themed gift over and over again? Yeah, well that’s now happening to Em with vaginas, ever since she ushered her 12 dancing vaginas on stage, she’s now become the vagina woman. Anytime there’s anything remotely vaginal content-wise online, Em gets tagged in it, and she doesn’t necessarily wanna be that person. So remove her name from that lady garden post you were about to tag her in, and step into another edition of Emsolation. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Okay kids we’ve got things to celebrate, NO not the U.S. Election results (at the time of writing it was still too early to call, sweet baby cheeses can we please have something to celebrate there?) the thing we’re celebrating is Em and Michael actually doing this episode TOGETHER! Ya huh, they were actually together in the same room, face to face, no screens, no buffering, no pyjamas or sans pants action, everyone was rocking proper going outside outfits. It’s a FIRST for Emsolation and it all happened while Em and Michael kept their eyes glued to the rolling U.S. Election coverage, hence you’ll get lots of Election chat. Sadly for American’s, there’s no democracy sausage wrapped in bread for them to stuff their faces with after they vote, instead they just get a sticker, which Chelsea Handler used to decorate her boobs and share on social media, so obviously that gets a mention. They’ll reflect on Beyonce’s decision to come out as a Biden and Harris supporter, Em reckons she left it way too late. It also left Em and Michael wondering who organises and co-ordinates the divas when they decide they wanna come out and endorse a candidate, and why so slack when it came to getting Queen Bey sorted. So basically it’s a LOT of Election talk, but in the same room for the first time in the history of the podcast. So prepare yourself for the unrestrained joy of these two being in the same room together, one of them conjuring up their very best ‘Magical Unicorn of Death’ moments, which naturally encourages ‘The Enchanted Seahorse of Hope’ to step in and suggest a few ‘lighter’ options, it’s how it’s meant to be, so press play and have at it at your earliest convenience  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Things are going to be little different this week, but it’s going to be ok; Em is here to guide you all through it in this mini support pod! She knew you’d be worried if NOTHING came out on a Tuesday, so she wanted to reassure you and let you know what’s going to be happening. Obviously it’s U.S ELECTION WEEK, Em and Michael’s grand final week, so listen to Mother and everything will be ok, with the pod... We can’t say the same for America. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Em sits down with folk-singer, sexual-health educator and ultimate Period Queen, Lucy Peach. To learn about the menstrual cycle and how to life hack it - yes, it's a thing, ladies. It's called the 'Power of the Period' and if you don't know it, it'll change your world. PERIOD.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

To begin with, Em’s putting out a call to action over the cutting down of a sacred 350-year-old Djab Wurrung Directions Tree in Victoria, it’s a devastating loss for our Indigenous community and it’s important to understand why, and what we can do to help prevent further sacred trees from suffering the same fate. Then there’s the strangeness of no longer being in lockdown for Victorians to process, as Em and Michael step cautiously  into their new found freedom, there’s naturally been a lot of emotional cycles we’ve had to process over that time. There’s the reaction to Em’s appearance on the podcast of her ex-boss to work through, with Em revealing the exact truth about her emotional state after she recorded it. Hot tip, she was in the depths of despair ‘bout it, thankfully Michael is well schooled in how to handle those moments and always has a plan for when Em is feeling that way. How ace are best friends who get you and know how to help us reset when we’re feeling meh. There’s some US chat to follow that, with a rather bleak prediction from the Magical Unicorn of Death, which figures, what with the name and all, anyway she’s officially announcing it, she thinks Donald Trump is actually going to steal the election. That’s not all the magically horned prancer of doom is dropping either, she also outlines exactly how she thinks Trump will do it too. There’s also what the appointment of Amy Coney Barrett as a Supreme Court Judge will ultimately mean for the US to mull over, and whilst the Enchanted Seahorse of Hope is maintaining that Biden can do it, the Magical Unicorn is having none of it, and totes reckons Trump will abscond with it. Em would also like to add a footnote that she’s super excited about her Emsolation Conversation that’s dropping Friday featuring Lucy Peach. Lucy is a period preacher and she has a life hack for people with cycles, so you can learn to harness the power of your ovulation and menstruation cycles and basically become super humans, so no biggy, but also….gaaaa get excited. Also it should be noted that this upcoming episode is for anyone who loves anyone with a cycle, it’s not just for people who get periods. It’s designed for ANYONE to listen to, so you can understand that mystical thing that we never talk about, mostly because of shame around our bodies and how they naturally function, so DON’T be afraid to listen, learn and enjoy it with us together.   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

There’s excitement in the air with Odie heading back to school and Em has found herself wistfully thinking of when she was 13, back then she obsessing over Fred Savage from the TV Show ‘The Wonder Years’, and just wanting to be around her teeny tween friends, so she’s impressed with how well Odie has dealt with lockdown. Then there’s time to reflect on Em’s recent appearance on the podcast of her old radio boss Craig, they haven’t talked in a really long time and Em wasn’t even keen on the idea initially, but then she decided to pull on her big girl pants and have at it. So Em finally got to vent a bunch of negative feelings and as a result it actually turned into a very healing experience. Then Michael returns to help Em sort through the latest developments around Victoria’s Covid restrictions, the weekend saw the Government opting for a cautious pausing of restriction lifting in Victoria while they wait for more results. There’s a brand new Sasha Baron Cohen movie called ‘Borat Subsequent Moviefilm’ that’s got social media worked up into a frenzy and Em has a LOT to say about that. Also across the weekend Em and Michael found time to check out some of the latest episodes of the Netflix series ‘My Next Guest Needs No Introduction with David Letterman’. His new season of guests includes Kim Kardashian West, Robert Downey Jr., Dave Chapelle and the always amazing Lizzo so there’s LOTS to chat about, plus there’s also Adele’s appearance on ‘Saturday Night Live’ to work through too. So this episode of Emsolation is really a pop culture bonanza with a sprinkling of reminiscing and vengeful podcast venting thrown in, so situation normal really. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

If there’s one thing we can thank this pandemic for, besides endless memes and a variety of artisan baking skills, it’s gotta be all the soul searching and reflection that we’ve been able to do on ourselves whilst in lockdown. Nothing quite says global pandemic like being left alone to dwell on your own thoughts and insecurities, whilst being surrounded by all the useless things you shoved into a trolley during a panic buy you did before lockdown kicked in. So it’s no surprise that the Emsolation podcast has offered up some huge realisations and thoughts during its existence. In this episode’s introduction, Em reveals how it’s taken her 30 odd years of intense scrutiny and judgement of her own body, to finally cut it some slack, and she’s never felt better. Em’s realised how much she’s been obsessing over her diet for so long, and to no end really, so huzzah to cutting ourselves some slack. Once the introduction is sorted then Em and Michael take all of us on a journey that begins with Michael’s beloved Brett Sutton being under fire, there’s hits on Gladys, there’s also hits on Jacinda’s husband Clarke again. That then gently unfolds into a discussion about why Em and Michael are no longer willing to address Britney’s instagram account anymore, plus there’s also the announcement from ‘Tiger King’s’ arch nemesis, Carole Baskin, that she’s bisexual. As Em said in her rundown of what was in the episode so I could write this description, “oh look, it goes everywhere” which she then swiftly followed up with a giggle and then this explain “we were both sleep deprived and scattered, in fact the podcast could be called sleep deprived and scattered today”. So if this podcast isn’t titled as such, then you know they’re either lying, or they’re so sleep deprived and scattered that they’ve even forgotten their own snazzy episode name. Regardless, you’re assured a wonderful, meandering, but equally hectic listen as you’ve come to expect, so plug in and press play NOW. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

There’s been a bunch of relaxing on the various lockdown laws for Victorians over the weekend, so to begin with Em and Michael discuss the easing of restrictions, Em thinks they should have gone further, Michael on the other hand is standing by Dan. Then it’s onto the stunning victory Jacinda Adern secured in the recent New Zealand election, obviously we are totes in love with her, but to ensure balance and prove this podcast isn’t one eyed, Em took on the task of doing a deep dive into why some people aren’t actually that supportive of Jacinda. Most of us can’t even imagine why anyone would be anti Jacinda, so Em was keen to try and understand the arguments coming from the other side, so she can be confident in her arguments as well. Besides her deep dive findings, there’s also time to celebrate Jacinda’s hubby Clarke coming to the aid of the reporters awaiting the election results on the night. He provided them with a selection of nibbles, hors d’oeuvres and some lovely cooked fish, as you do, or maybe you don’t, but huzzah to Clarke for coming up with a variety of options none the less. From Jacinda and Clarke’s wedded bliss we pivot onto the not so happily ever after being experienced by the actor from ‘The Wire’ and the aptly titled ‘The Affair’, Dominic West, who’s been caught out having an actual affair with his co-star Lily James. Apparently when the story broke Dominic did the totally not unusual “rush home to be with his wife” thing and then followed that up with a very weird press conference together at their front gate. The other thing worth obsessing over though is the totally random inclusion of the handwritten note that was also left, just to assure us all that everything is totes rock solid with their marriage, phew lucky they did that or we totally wouldn’t be convinced huh . Finally there’s much to be said about Michael giving himself the moniker of ‘The Enchanted Seahorse of Hope’ as a rival to Em’s not so encouraging, but equally as engaging, ‘Magical Unicorn of Death’. It makes you wonder which one of these mythical beings of hope/destruction would win in a fight. Also can enchanted seahorses actually survive out of water long enough to even make an impact against a unicorn who has magical death vibes? So many questions, and yet most of them end with the Death Unicorn coming out triumphant. Oh well, maybe you can try to imagine the mythical rumble of said freaky friends while you enjoy another comforting episode of Emsolation. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Dilemma Doctors: Em and Michael assist listener Melissa with a saucy love conundrum! Melissa is considering dating a woman who is polyamorous, she has always been in monogamous relationships but is VERY tempted by her new pal. What will Em and Michael advise?! You’ll have to listen to find out! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Em’s Dad Vincie is celebrating his 69th birthday, so we start our 69th episode reflecting on the glorious lunatic that he is, and we could also just have a slice of cake, or a cupcake, or some kind of chocolate about it as well huh, just to celebrate it...you know, properly. Once that’s done, we delve into the ridiculous standard of productivity Em used to consider completely necessary when we weren’t living under restrictions. In lockdown Em’s realised that all the things she was making and doing last year whilst just running on adrenaline, was unhealthy, and she wasn’t even enjoying herself while doing it. So the pandemic has meant slowing down and re-adjusting those expectations which has left her feeling way more settled, so now it’s just about marrying up the two and finding the right balance. Then we head into a hectic session of Em and Michael discussing Gladys Berejiklian’s personal relationship with Darryl Maguire, they cover off what’s been happening with the ICAC (Independent Commision Against Corruption) investigation, there’s some reflection time allocated to the dodgy boyfriends Em and Michael have had in the past and then somehow we also get some more podcast role play from both of them, because of course we do. This time around you’ll be able to experience a pretend Premiers Zoom meeting where none of the people’s names have been changed to protect the innocent, because none of them are innocent, duh. Michael returns as Daniel Andrews and Em takes on the role she probably never expected she’d have to, but here we are, she’ll bring Gladys Berejiklian to life, apparently it’s interesting (that interesting might have been delivered with laughs and a rising questioning tone at the end) and Em also said “I don’t know how we got there, but we did” so bless. Once you’ve experienced that there’s just enough time to cover off why Michael has suddenly found himself unable to watch Masterchef, even though he’s known for worshipping at the heels of Melissa Leong and lusting over Jock Zonfrillo...and maybe that’s part of the problem, you’ll find out within. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It’s been epiphany central at Em’s over the weekend, these things tend to happen when you dwell on thoughts about people who kind of hate you. This is not in any way a spoiler alert, but it’s something Em sometimes obsesses about, and by sometimes...I mean way too much. When Em was a twenty something, other people’s hatred kind of fueled her and drove her on, now it doesn’t sit so well. Over time Em’s realised she's more interested in having a life that feels as good as it can feel, which is why she’s so open and honest online. In sharing her struggles, it allows her to get them out of her own head, whilst hopefully helping other people feel better in their lives too. Em described this intro as being like a shower ramble, it’s basically a massive verbal spew of all the stuff she thought about while she had insomnia over the weekend, so you have her permission to skip it all if you’re not up for the full download, pffft good one. Em may have also admitted that she uses the start of this podcast as her own personal one way therapy session, which for Em is really the ultimate therapy session hehe. Then Michael returns to help deliver a brief rundown on the hectic meme cycle that kicked into action after that fly appeared on the Vice Presidential Debate, turns out 10 minutes after it landed on Pence, Em was officially done with the fly memes, swift result. There’s also the stunt that Trump apparently wanted to do when he left the hospital, Em and Michael actually think his idea was amazing and they’re actually disappointed he didn’t actually deliver on it. Then it’s time for a full deep dive into ‘Emily in Paris’ on Netflix, Em has a very complicated relationship with it, her pros are it’s from Darren Star who created shows like ‘Beverly Hills, 90210’, ‘Melrose Place’ and ‘Sex in the City’ but it’s also got lots of problematic issues too, especially if you’re actually French, Em figures you’re probably annoyed if that's the case. Ultimately Em hated it and loved it in equal measure, yes she consumed it very quickly, and yes they really go there and break it down. Then finally, because of course there’s more, in Melbourne it seems like everyone is battling with this last little bit of lockdown, it kind of feels like we’ve run the marathon, only to trip and stumble just 10 minutes from the finish line, so we’ll delve into that too. So take a deep breath and dive right in.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week Em and Michael help Nikita (not her real name, but she wanted a sexy spy name so we chose Nikita) Nikita is getting married and has a difficult relationship with her mother, she wants to know if it’s okay to not invite her along to the big wedding dress shopping trip. It should be known that Em and Michael clash violently on the appropriate course of action, whose side will YOU be on?! I’m with Em, because she’s my boss.   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It’s the one thing we’ve probably all been desperate to obtain, so it’s hardly surprising that Em and Michael are feeling it too, hence they’ve decided that this episode of Emsolation will be a Trump free zone. They just need a break from the toxic Cheeto wizard right now, and we’re pretty sure that no one, aside from Donald himself, is about to disagree with that decision. Instead they’ll focus more on the lighter stuff, like two shows they really love at the moment. For instance, there’s a famous podcast that’s just been turned into a documentary series on Netflix, it’s called ‘Song Exploder’ and it’s basically where musicians take apart their songs, and piece by piece, tell the story of how they were made. The debut series follows artists like Michael Stipe from R.E.M., Alicia Keys, Ty Dolla $ign and Lin-Manual Miranda, the creator of the hugely successful musical ‘Hamilton’, all revealing the process of how they created one of their greatest songs. Obviously Em and Michael absolutely LOVED it and they both cried their way through it as well. They then talk about Rihanna and her recent lingerie show for her Savage X Fenty - Volume 2 range. Em got emotional because she felt finally represented, there were real women doing the modelling, you could see their actual skin properly, with the lighting showing off the beauty of their stretch marks, the cellulite, their tan lines, just all of the things that normal people have, that the beauty industry tries to make us believe doesn’t exist. So again they absolutely loved it, and they’re both really feeling how Rihanna has morphed into this cool creative overlord now. So prepare for a delightful traipse through a podcast episode devoted to a bit of escapism and filled to the brim with delightful things for our ears and eyes, Em and Michael loved it, and we’re pretty sure you will too. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

First up we talk about Chrissy Teigen announcing the devastating loss of her son Jack and Em’s decision to speak about it on The Project. It’s not something Em originally wanted to talk about, but she also realised that she has made a commitment to talk about pregnancy loss in the hope it helps to remove the stigma and encourages other women to share their experiences with each other. Then it’s on to Trump and his positive test for Covid, as Em and Michael were recording this episode they actually got the news that he’d been released from hospital, so huzzah for some actual breaking news while in record mode for a podcast. They also cover off the doctors giving a different diagnosis to the White House, Michael is convinced that they also edited footage of Trump coughing out of the official videos he released, plus there’s the photo of Trump signing a piece of paper, which lead to questions around whether the paper he was signing was blank or not. There’s also time to talk about the documentary ‘Class Action Park’ that Michael has been watching. It’s about a really shonky amusement park in the 80’s that became famous for unsafe rides, underage and under trained employees, and alcohol consumption on premises, which naturally combined to result in a bunch of deaths. Anyway that blatant disregard for safety helped usher in a bunch of reminiscing about how shonky 80’s parenting actually was. Sure we had a lot of fun and it was a great decade, but it was also the only decade where you could truly be a negligent parent and actually get away with it. How so many of us actually survived that decade, probably needs to be researched and talked about on a deeper level, but for now we’ll just dip our toes in the memories of how hectic our childhoods were and share a few laughs about it. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This weeks Dilemma involves Janey, her soon to be turning 14 year old daughter and the Colonel. Janey is a theme queen - her daughter, not so much and when you're stuck in the Melbourne covid lockdown, there's a limit to the party planning you can do. Or is there? Can Em and Michael find an answer? And what's the Colonel got to do with it? See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

After revealing her traumatising school swim carnival experience in our previous episode, Em opens this episode by issuing a challenge for everyone listening to pass on their embarrassing puberty stories to the children in their life, in an effort to help normalize that experience and lessen the shame that surrounds young bodies as they’re changing. For instance, when the writer of this podcast description was a developing teenager, he chose to attack all the new furry growth on my pants region with my father's dry razor, and then show my younger brothers so they wouldn’t harass me about having hair down there. In hindsight that probably wasn’t a great idea, it opened me up to even more ridicule from my brothers, who also told their friends, plus the experience of having an itch down there from shaving rash when you’re 13, isn’t a fun ride either. Lesson learnt, and perhaps if my parents had helped normalise the changes my body was experiencing, I wouldn’t have introduced myself to manscaping so early. So Em is encouraging you to share those times when your body went rogue as a kid, but also keep it age appropriate, there’s no point freaking them out too early. Michael returns to help Em talk through the steaming shit pile that was the US Presidential debate, Em is willing to declare a winner, Michael does no such thing. Then it’s on to JK Rowling and her transphobic comments and how much that has been affecting people who love the Harry Potter books. Em has recently been grappling with that problem because her youngest daughter Odette is right into Harry Potter at the moment, which raises the question about whether you can separate the artist from their art. To wrap things up, Em and Michael are  basically trying to start a movement by urging Dan Andrews to give himself a break, they think it’s time to issue him with a #DayOffDan. So if you’re ready to get on board with that idea, and everything else we’ve flagged above, assume your favourite listening position and enjoy See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I know reality TV has ruined the word ‘journey’ for each and every one of us, so in approaching the writing of the description for this episode, I went searching for another word that would help describe the odyssey (that’s the first one, more to come hehe) you’re about to launch into. We begin this episode with all all the ouchy wah wah info on Em and her sore ankle, she had to be cut from her huffy puffy workout wear and it’s ruined her new running schedule, but also, she’s confined to the couch, so maybe her ankles did this deliberately. Anyway once that’s done, it’s onto all the stuff that’s been going on with Victoria’s Labor Party, which includes Jenny Mikakos leaving, Dan easing restrictions for Victorians and Em and Michael admitting that they don’t really care who’s responsible, they basically just want them to get on with it. There’s also time to delve into what’s going on in the US with Donald Trump’s tax return and his choice for the new Supreme Court Judge to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Then our aural expedition (another word for journey) heads off into painful story town, this one is actually inspired by Em’s latest binge watching obsession of the new series on Stan called ‘Pen15’. It’s a comedic story about middle school as seen through the eyes of two 7th grade girls dealing with the awkwardness of being a teenager. This TV series has given Em the confidence to reveal a story that she’s been keeping to herself for a VERY long time. It basically involves a tampon and a school sport carnival, so you already get that this expedition, this sojourn, this actual jaunt into Em’s past, has left her describing it as “quite the journey” (sometimes journey truly is the best option, curse you reality TV) anyway there’s twists and turns, Michael almost couldn’t keep listening and wondered if he’d be able to see it through. So maybe you should just make sure you prepare yourself to relive a smidge of high school trauma, but then ultimately, hopefully, you’ll come out the other side feeling better. Good luck everyone. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Remember when you used to race to get Dolly magazine the second it came out from the news agency?! First you’d rip the free blue eyeshadow off that was stuck to the cover, briefly pause to have a smell of the new impulse fragrance and then you’d go quickly to the Dolly doctor section! There you’d find questions about nipples, pubes and intimate smells... Well this is kind of the podcast version of that, except not really. Em and Michael are the Dilemma Doctors and they’re here to solve your dilemmas! No dilemma is too big or too small. But maybe let’s keep them petty so we can be funny about it. Enjoy the first instalment of the Dilemma Doctor’s, Em and Michael help a man to figure out how to tell his partner he’s not very good at giving gifts. FUN! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Before we start, you might like to secure your tray tables and tighten your seatbelt because Em has issued a warning that this episode is an emotion charged, passionate discussion filled edition of the podcast and you’re gonna need to strap your shit in. To begin with we discuss Ellen’s apology and it’s a full deep dive, we talk ALL of the things from the backlash and her outfit choice, to the way the audience was shown and what we think will happen next. Then it’s onto Dan Andrews and we also briefly touch on hot Auslan’s pants package, although NO TOUCHING, just a teeny touch of discussion in and around it. Obviously we still wanna remain respectful of his valuable and wonderful work and make sure we don’t cross the lines of decency on someone just doing their job. Em then drops her theory around Dan and how she reckons he will definitely replace Albo as the leader of the Labor Party for Federal Government, Em is also obsessed with his wife Catherine. Then hold your breath for another deep, deep dive as they dissect the brand new Paris Hilton documentary, so that’s all of the things that make this a tighten your straps type of episode. In fact, at the time of writing Em wasn’t even sure what her intro would contain, but she assures us it won’t be too much because everything else recorded with Michael was as hefty as the pants of that guy doing Auslan at the press conference, too much? Probably, but I couldn’t resist the rather obvious comparison, oh and we should also add that Em stood up THREE TIMES during the recording, ya huh she actually stood up three times because she got so overwrought. She also had to apologise to everyone at the end of it AND she woke up her children, it was HECTIC. So clutch your figurative pearls and secure all of the straps and enjoy. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It’s reflection time as we begin this podcast, and that doesn’t mean we are looking at ourselves in the mirror, but obviously if we are, then LOOK at how fierce we look. Anyway the type of reflection we’re talking about is the sort that Em needs right now to help inspire her to keep getting out of bed during lockdown. She needs to look for the lessons learnt and the silver linings, it’s just how her brain functions. So we open this podcast with a chat about all the positive things that have come out of being in lockdown, and here’s the hot tip, turns out even Em was pleasantly surprised at how many there actually were. Then Michael joins Em to talk about Ruth Bader Ginsburg, in particular her amazing marriage to her husband Marty, which actually helped Em to reflect on hers, and how Em and Scott figured out how to stop fighting. Turns out it was surprisingly simple when they finally cottoned onto it. Then it’s onto Miley Cyrus saying she faked it with Liam Henderson, Em and Michael are not about that, their national pride reared up and they get super protective over Liam. Speaking of being protective, they’re also having none of bogans thinking they can use John Farnham’s You’re The Voice for their anti-mask rallies. I think Em expressed it well when she sent me the rundown for this description by simply saying “NOT. OKAY., okay?”. Plus there’s also time to cover off how Em got accidentally day drunk on Rosé on Sunday, doesn’t seem very accidental to me but here we are. The full explain is within this podcast, so grab your headphones and have at it like Em attacks a glass of Rosé, with large gulps and lots of satisfying exhales throughout. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We first heard from Liz on the "Live from the Roadside" episode back in May. Liz sent Em and Scotty a message asking for some help when she went for a promotion. Fast forward to this week and Liz has sent in another message, and let's just say, things are looking up. Good on ya Liz!   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Need some advice? In the intro for this episode, Em presents us with the idea of her upcoming advice segment, it’s kind of like that grand tradition of obsessively turning pages to get to the Dolly Doctor section, but without any page turning, or help from whoever the hell Dolly was, or even any Doctors. Basically Em and her bestie Michael are going to take on your dilemmas and offer up a world of thought provoking and thoroughly unique advice. Their speciality is petty stuff, with petty family arguments naturally being their strong suit, so start thinking about what advice you’ve been hankering for and get amongst it, they start doing it from next week. Then it’s onto a documentary update as Em and Michael offer up their latest favourites, with Em choosing something uplifting with ‘My Octopus Teacher’ which is about a burnt out filmmaker who befriends and in a non creepy way kinda falls in love with an octopus and learns some life lessons as a result. Not so uplifting, but equally important, is Michael’s choice of ‘The Social Dilemma’ which is a terrifying deep dive into why social media is basically set up to doom us and usher in the end of the world, thankfully there is some advice on how we can change and avoid that. Then there’s a dick pic wrap up which takes in Chris Evans reaction to his dick pic slip up, and that’s followed up by the story of the ADF Officer who was busted “entertaining” a lady in his hotel room while he’s in quarantine. Obviously Em and Michael don’t condone that sort of behaviour, but they also have to acknowledge that they do love the fact that she’s a 53 year old sassy woman spending quality time with a 26 year old ADF officer. Is this the 365 Days sequel we’ve all been craving, but again, they don’t condone breaches of quarantine, but also again, it’s pretty saucy. So step up to another episode filled with all the kind of eclectic goodness you didn’t even realise your ears were craving.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We got a bunch of feedback from you over the last few days, so we’re using that to start things off in today's episode. Some of you lovely listeners have lamented the loss of Em’s opening monologue, where she normally talks about life, her thoughts and the such and such that's been floating around in her mind. So she addresses that to begin with, there’s also time to address some of Em and Michael’s diet talk from last week, some of you reached out to say they felt there was a bit of fat shaming happening in that convo, naturally Em’s had some time to think about that, and she shares all the conclusions she’s come to around that. So it actually turns out we have a very long opening monologue as a result of all of that, so ask and ye shall receive, although maybe some of you will regret ye asking for the return of the opening monologue...pfft as if. Then Em and Michael do a very extensive deep dive into the Chris Evans, aka Captain America, dick pic saga, where he accidentally leaked a camera roll shot that included something he probably never intended to expose, a fleshy tent pole. Content warning obviously as this proves to be an extensive deep dive, they really take it there, in fact Em is even suggesting that you will probably come out the other side of this conversation with a Bachelor in Dick Pics, I genuinely can’t see what the problem is with that. Then it’s onto the live action remake of the Disney movie ‘Mulan’ (fun fact - when Em says Mulan she can’t do it without sounding like Kath Day Knight, it’s totally adorbs) anyway this movie is super problematic, but Em still loved the strong female lead. Finally there’s just enough time to focus on the adjustments to Victoria’s lockdown tweaks, which now allow single people to choose a bubble buddy that they can spend time with, and how one woman is actually auditioning people to see if they’re worthy of being her bubble buddy. Obviously this podcast is the only bubble buddy you need, so fill the bath, sink below the bubbles and get your listen on at your earliest convenience. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

After Em and Michael decided a new lockdown extension was the perfect time to re-commit to losing the extra weight they’ve added during the first two lockdowns, New Lockdown, New Us was born. So it makes sense for Em and Michael to begin this episode with a full rundown of their health journey so far. That journey got off to a rocky start with Em experiencing a teensy hiccup on night one, where she found herself secretly eating in bed at 11pm. She can totally justify it though, which she naturally does, that leads into a game of Justify My Food (yes Em sings the intro live, and yes it’s Madonna inspired and squeal, I know right, so excited) anyway this game sees Michael offering up various food items, which Em then justifies by offering up the perfect reason for why it’s okay to eat each one, no matter how bad it is for you, trust us, it’s a very special skill. We’ll also talk about Em’s new self appointed title - Queen of the Magpies. She’s convinced she is now one of them, having been accepted into their feathered community. We then move onto the recommendation from the Victorian Deputy Chief Health Officer, Dr Nick Coatsworth that we all make our beds, and maybe try some housework to help us get through the new lockdown extension. Understandably Em had some very strong thoughts to share around that, then inspired by Daniel Andrews talking about sex, and the difference between friends and intimate partners, during a recent press conference, Michael impersonates Dan explaining sex to his son. There’s also time to talk through the announcement that ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ is ending after 20 seasons, and how Em has an odd respect for that family. She actually doesn’t judge them as much as you might think she probably would, because naturally Em respects a strong matriarch that’s getting shit done. That being said, she probably wouldn’t sell her childs sex tape...but everything else she gets, they’re husslers, and she can respect that. So once again, it’s a heady mix of all of the things, but we can justify that, so sit down and enjoy another substantial feed of delectable audio delights, with a hefty seasoning of laughs throughout. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Get ready for a very special toddler themed treat to kick things off, because there’s a lovely little performance of Elio’s good morning song at the beginning of this episode. That teensy little adorable munchkin of delight that is Elio just happened to be seated on his mother's lap as we began the show, so we now have the one and only recording of Em’s world famous good morning song for everyone to enjoy, so huzzah to that. That done it’s then onto a surprisingly optimistic chat between Em and Michael about the new lockdown situation in Victoria, they’re feeling that it’s not going to be as long as everyone thinks. They’ve also got the feels for all the beauticians unable to work right now, however their sadness over that situation is also tinged with an element of fear on their behalf. There’s a tsunami of pubic hair that has been allowed to grow and cultivate itself over the last few months, and Em and Michael are worried that most beauticians are totally unaware that their Olympics are just around the corner, and their trophies will end up being overstuffed garbage bags, filled to the brim with unwanted body carpeting. New lockdown extensions have also inspired the ushering in of the new Em and Michael, they’re going to lose the weight that they’ve both put on in the last two lockdowns. So they’re seeing this as their final chance to emerge from their individual cocoons, as beautiful, fit, healthy butterflies. They’ve committed to it, it’s going to happen, so far, so good...but that was what was happening on day one, so who knows where they are right now. There’s also time to reveal how Em was invited to be a part of one particular reality show and why Em ultimately decided to say NO. Hot tip from Em, she laughed A LOT during this episode, there was a lot of laughing, so expect to join in and maybe grab a towel if too much laughing compromises your pelvic floor area, just saying. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In this episode, with Em and her hubby Scott celebrating their 20th anniversary during the week, Em and her bestie Michael will deep dive into a chat about long term relationships, covering everything from how they last, to the different attributes of Michaels relationship compared to Em’s relationship. Then it’s on to the new book about Melania Trump written by her ex best friend called ‘Melania and Me - The Rise and Fall of My Friendship with the First Lady’ which naturally leads to the admission that Michael is the one and ONLY person that could write a tell all book about Em. Unfortunately for Michael, because he has LOTS of close friends, they realise he would be screwed on multiple levels if all of his close friends decided to write an exposé on him. Also in a very ‘how dare he, off with his head’ type moment, Michael refers to Em as Trump, saying that she can be very Trump like, I’m shook just writing that, so no doubt this will be a testing moment for their friendship. There’s also a new TV show obsession that’s just casually wandered into Em’s life called ‘The Casketeers’ that follows a New Zealand couple, Francis and Kaiora Tipene, who own and run Tipene Funerals. Em is describing it as “just the greatest show, Francis is the campest straight man on the face of the planet and we have so many things in common, including our love of leaf blowers” so there’s all of that to work through too. In fact ‘The Casketeers’ is such a life affirming show, that it’s completely changed Em’s perspective on death and she’s now no longer afraid of dying because of this show. There’s actually so much television to consume that Michael’s also got two other TV shows that he thinks everyone needs to watch, and they are ‘I May Destroy You’ and ‘I Hate Suzie’. All of that will eventually wrap up once Em decides it’s time to get out of her pyjamas and put on a winged eyeliner as a special treat for her husband. You however are welcome to stay in PJ’s and consume this with or without a winged eyeliner of course. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Let's start by saying that when I got the recorded explainer from Em for this episode, so I could actually write this description for you, I fully got to the end of it, burst out laughing and said out loud to an empty room...WHAT? Which clearly means there's a lot to unpack, but isn’t there always? To begin, just know that within this episode, Em and Michael will tackle topics like death, cultural appropriation and Victorian politics, so already it’s nothing but light and fluffy content kids. We should also flag please don’t @ them with whack comments, as a lot of what Em and Michael do in every episode of this podcast is workshop themselves in front of the microphone. They are in no way here to school anyone, they recognise and are well aware that that’s not their job, this is just their way of work shopping things for themselves out loud. Obviously there’s chat about the passing of Chadwick Boseman, which leads into a talk about how there needs to be more conversations around death by young people, which hopefully could result in all of us living better lives and not sweating the small stuff. There’s also another social post from Adele to work through, every time she posts something it usually stops the world, so that’s no surprise. This time she’s copping it online for cultural appropriation having posted a picture of herself wearing her hair in Bantu knots and a bikini top of the Jamaican flag. They’ll also cover off the State of Emergency that Dan has announced in Victoria and the freak outs that are going on as a result, and they’ll try and explain why it’s all needed, so more out loud workshopping here obviously. Finally they’ll also briefly touch on Brad Pitt’s new girlfriend being in an open marriage, plus there’s Em’s newest obsession, which is a TV show that involves a man, 20 wives and a female bounty hunter. So get ready for another edition of all of that, and so much more, and don’t ever say we didn’t warn you what to expect.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

To celebrate fifty whole episodes of Emsolation we’ve put together the top ten moments since the show was birthed in April, as voted by you! Expect Britney, Brett and the Bobbitts to make an appearance and of course our favourite sexy kidnapper will pop his head up too. You won’t feel lost baby girl, after reliving the hilarity and confusion of the first fifty episodes of Emsolation! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Emsolation podcast is celebrating its 50th episode, so huzzah, send us gifts, tell us how young and taut we look, and throw in something about this being the new 30th episode or some such complimentary thing. Together Em and Michael delve into the Republican National Convention, which was ushering Melania Trump up to the microphone as they started recording this episode. So naturally they fully got to witness her entrance, her outfit, and the full catwalk moment she delivered as well. All things considered, it was a pretty gentle speech to be honest, the same couldn’t be said for Donald Trump Junior's girlfriend Kimberley Guilfoyle though. Her speech was a LOT. Kimberley may look like a glamorous beauty pageant contestant, but she’s also fully terrifying as well, mostly because she just yelled at us during the entire speech. Em did admit though that she was impressed with how committed Kimberley was to that role. Sure, what she said was horrible, but the way she presented it was very effective, and she no doubt achieved her goal of appealing to their base. So whilst what she said was horrendous, for anyone saying it wasn’t effective, you just have to look at how we’re all talking about it...job well done it would seem. There’s also a bunch of other whoopsie moments to cover off for the Republican Party, including the poolboy that’s come forward to reveal he’s been having a 7 year long affair with the wife of ultraconservative evangelical leader and prominent Trump supporter, Jerry Falwell Jr. We also talk through Michael’s moral dilemma with his favourite hairdresser, who apparently cuts a mean hairstyle Michael loves, but also might be a Covid denier as well, so now he’s not entirely sure what to do. Plus Em attended a funeral for a magpie, a funeral that she organised because she’s clearly reached her peak Covid emotional state. There’s also a special bonus edition of Emsolation on the way for you to enjoy, featuring the Top Ten moments from the last 50 episodes as chosen by you, so prepare yourself for extra moments of us being extra. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week we’ve moved from Em’s patented four phases of bench cleaning, to rooting around in the attic. That’s where Em has stuffed all her previous show wardrobes and just anything else from her life that needed to just be rammed into boxes. Naturally so it can never be acknowledged or addressed ever again. Lockdown life means she decided to tackle all of that and actually stumbled on something that was kinda traumatic. It reminded Em that every time she thinks she’s making progress on herself as a person, she’ll hit a roadblock that makes her think all the other work she’s done before that, doesn’t really count for anything, but really when she’s has a bad day or bad thoughts, it’s just a part of that...journey (vomit we hate that word, thanks reality TV). So yes, Em really did get all of that from the simple act of cleaning out her roof, what of it? Then Em and Michael talk about The Masked Singer being shut-down and how the anger towards that show being filmed during a pandemic is unnecessary. The fact that they both work on or in TV doesn’t mean they’re biased, they promise. Melania Trump has redone the White House Rose Garden, which helped convince Em that Melania isn’t actually a victim or a long suffering wife, but rather the power player in that couple. The Republican National Convention is happening this week too, so Em and Michael are excited. They also talk about the Netflix doco ‘John Was Trying To Contact Aliens’ which is a joyous film of just 16 minutes, perfectly catering to Em’s attention span. You’ll also get an appearance from both Rational Em and Stabby Em, plus there’s a discussion of Em’s version of Dolly World, except her version would mostly be just a really terrifying roller coaster ride to represent her inner monologue. So you pretty much need to be this emotionally tall to get onto this ride or episode, so grab your tickets, join the queue and no pushing. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Em chats to Rob 'Millsy' Mills in this weeks edition of Emsolation Conversation. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Some hard truths to begin with, we aren’t even getting out of bed for this podcast, it’s cold, Em is comfy, so nestle in because it’s happening. In fact, you should probably just get back into bed when you listen to this episode, you know you wanna. Once you’ve settled in and all of your must needs are within reach, we can begin. We start with Em’s very important four stages of fully patented bench cleaning techniques, because quite frankly no one around her house is taking the cleaning of the benches seriously. Yes there are four phases, and yes Em is more than happy to VERY distinctly and vividly outlay all of those details for you, mostly because she’s been doing a LOT of bench cleaning lately, and has had a lot of time to think. Then Em and Michael assume full US Political nerd mode, so they can discuss Michelle Obama’s speech and Trump's response to it. They are also both unashamedly obsessed with the First Lady of Joe Biden, the incredible Dr Jill Biden, and the First Gentleman of Kamala Harris, Douglas Emhoff who’s a massive nerd. That naturally leads to a discussion around who’s husband would do better in the role of First Gentleman if Em or Michael were to go all Presidential. There’s also time to touch on Joe Biden’s very important chat with Cardi B and finally that’s followed by Em going into complete meltdown about Tik Tok, and doing a vocal representation of a Tik Tok dance. It’s something she’s now describing as “not her proudest moment” and she would also like to issue an apology to any Gen Z listeners, because they may feel personally attacked, Em felt personally attacked whilst she was actually doing it. But it’s all because Kanye has demanded we need Jesus Tok, not Tik Tok and it would seem Em has found herself agreeing with him, so perhaps being in bed for this episode is a good idea. At least that way we can pull the sheets up over our heads and listen in peace. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Forget tears before bedtime, the new normal is tears before a podcast recording. Regular listeners will know that often this podcast is a reflection of Em’s headspace, hence this episode has proved to be all over the place, so expect an explain first up on why Em’s eye sockets were stained with tears. Then it’s on to how Em has suddenly found herself being reduced to watching shows ONLY about either cooking or wealthy housewives. On top of that revelation, is the fact that somehow, instead of judging the rich housewives, Em has now found herself sympathising with the stories and problems affecting these cashed up ladies. Michael has watched a really beautiful and lovely Australian film called ‘Baby Teeth’ which he’s describing as worthy of everyone giving it a viewing. Obviously Em is refusing that advice, because, well it’s not about cooking or rich ladies, and also she knows she can’t bring herself to watch it because it’s sad. Then it’s on to Delta Goodrem and how Em has always felt protective of her, and how she’s recently revealed the struggles she’s endured over the last year, having not been able to speak because of nerve damage to her mouth during some routine surgery. This understandably ushered in more tears for Em as she watched Delta recounting that story and revealing her resilience. Somehow they then move on to Miley Cyrus revealing she lost her virginity to Liam Hemsworth, which then spiralled into how Em and Michael both lost theirs and how Michael lied about being a virgin. That rolls into the surge in arguments during lockdown and how Michael is a freak who so far hasn’t even had one argument. We follow that up with a chat on the F word that is commonly used as an abusive term for homosexuals. Em hasn’t used it for years and feels that it’s not okay to use anymore, even when used in front of the word hag, Michael doesn’t think it's a problem. So as you can plainly see, there’s A LOT to be covered within, but what else would you expect from a podcast that always takes you on a rollercoaster of all of the emotions and one amazing revelation and reveal after another, exactly, so enjoy. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

To mark the 10 year anniversary of the first episode of Offspring, Em & Michael chat with Asher Keddie aka Dr. Nina Proudman, to reflect on the show. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

First up, Em’s been reminded of the importance of reaching out and touching base with the people in your life and doing more than just sharing an RUOK hashtag. After seeing a video from a farmer who posted a deeply heartfelt message about a mate he’d recently lost, it’s been a timely reminder that it’s now more important than ever, for all of us to actually do the work, and check in with the people we care about. Then Em and Michael move on to the announcement of Kamala Harris running as the Democratic candidate for Vice President with Joe Biden. There’s also those four new cases discovered in New Zealand to talk about, they proved enough for Jacinda Ardern to move Auckland into Stage 3 restrictions for 3 days as a precautionary approach. Plus we briefly touch on the forthcoming Meghan and Harry book, and give you the lowdown on a new podcast Em and Michael have discovered. One episode in particular titled ‘Curveball’ sees them chatting to three women anonymously in their 40’s and 50’s, who after leaving long term marriages, figured things were pretty much over for them. Turns out that couldn’t have been further from the truth, cut to them now having these sexual rebirths, where they’re discovering this whole new arena of sexual enlightenment. So as you’d expect, this is another episode of Emsolation that goes just about everywhere. So once you’ve fully sanitised your hands, please grab our virtual audio hand, and allow us to lead you through the virtual forest of podcast goodness, we promise we know the way and there’s no need to leave bread crumbs behind to find your way out, okay this tangent might not be necessary, but meh, it’s there now, so enjoy. Link to the podcast discussed by Em & Michael: https://www.curveballmedia.com.au/podcast/episode/4975e391/mid-life-sexual-awakening See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Can I get a CONTENT WARNING? You sure can, and you seriously need one if you’re going to listen to this around little ears, unless you like having some really interesting conversations. Okay that done, let's move on. Now if you think you’re ready for Em’s Favourite Episode EVER, you ain’t even close to being ready, trust us. This episode we talk about Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s new song W.A.P., which doesn’t stand for Wonderful And Polite. It actually stands for Wet Ass...um...Mrs. Slocombe’s cat, which will only make sense if you’ve stumbled on an episode of “Are You Being Served?” and if you haven’t, lets just say Mrs. Slocombe never called her cat, a cat. We’ll also cover off the late night tweeting from Victorian Health Minister, Jenny Mikakos on Saturday night. We suspect it was done after a few vinos, she was basically apologising for the state of play in Victoria, we felt her, let’s face it, we’ve all been there. We talk about the current facial hair situation happening on the face of Brett Sutton, and also how Michael is back on the Daniel Andrews train, Em however is reserving her judgement right now. We also get a brief mention happening over vulva beauty masks. So there is a LOT of lady area talk, which is nothing new really, but again, a little content warning for anyone listening. But ardent fans of the Emsolation podcast will not be surprised, nor will they bat a no doubt superbly manicured eyebrow about it either. So check your surrounds, and once you’re sure all the ears within listening range are prepped and prepared, enjoy another walk through the Emsolation forest, and that ISN’T a euphemism, but the Mrs. Slocombe reference most certainly is See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

As a semi-famous Simpsons character once said “Won’t somebody please think of the children'' and whilst it had zilch to do with inspiring Em, it’s also what she’s been thinking about lately. Em reckons it’s time we acknowledged all of the kids that are going through Covid lockdown and isolation, by giving them some props for being super resilient, tough and rolling with the punches. We’re encouraging you to reach out to the kid in your life, whether they be your own kids, or your nephews, nieces or grandchildren, and maybe try and do something special or out of the blue for them. Then Em and Michael work through our complicated relationship with Daniel Andrews, delving into how we don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, especially with the hotel enquiry looking so grim. They’ll also touch on the amazing Trump interview that Aussie journalist Jonathon Swan has just done, he’s the son of Norman Swan who does Coronacast. Anyway it’s safe to say Jonathon’s facial expressions throughout that interview gave us all of the feels. Plus we talk about the most wholesome doco Em has ever watched, it's about competitive Rubic Cubing and features the beautiful friendship between the two world champions that’s guaranteed to melt your heart. There’s also a book recommendation for you and finally, because everything Em does that’s been successful, has happened because people like you get on board and help her out by sharing her work, she’s issuing a challenge with an Emsolation recommendation day, where you tag us on social media. So get your hashtags ready and dive in to another comfort inducing episode now. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.