On the Couch with Carly

Artist, filmmaker, and producer Kunyalala Ndlovu joins me for a rich conversation about his journey into fatherhood and how it transformed his understanding of masculinity. Born in Zimbabwe and now based in London, Kunyalala shares his experience of being a full-time father for 18 months - something "completely unheard of" where he's from and "the least masculine thing you could do" according to traditional standards. We explore how becoming a father created an "incredible softening" that felt like walls breaking down inside him, leading to what his co-parent described as "fathering in the way you'd have liked to have been fathered." Kunyalala explores the distinction between humility and humiliation in parenting, the importance of empathy as the foundation of co-parenting relationships, and how art can transform narratives surrounding modern fatherhood. This conversation explores maternal gatekeeping, the significance of "time on the pitch" for fathers, and why he practices true 50/50 co-parenting—a rarity he has encountered. Essential listening for anyone interested in expanded definitions of masculinity and the creative potential of modern fatherhood. Follow Kunyalala Ndlovu: Website: https://www.kunyalala.co.uk/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fort_rixon_gram?igsh=Y21ybGFiaW85bzZ0 Linkedin: https://uk.linkedin.com/in/kunyalala-ndlovu-66b77126 Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

One of the most common struggles in my therapy practice: women who've been conditioned to believe they're responsible for managing everyone's emotions. Using real examples from relationships with new parents, I examine how societal conditioning creates automatic "yes" responses that ultimately harm both ourselves and our relationships. I share practical steps for recognizing burnout symptoms as boundary violations, the revolutionary power of pausing before saying yes, and why taking care of your own needs actually benefits everyone. I also demonstrate how over-functioning prevents others from developing their own capabilities and authentic relationships. This episode explains why boundaries aren't selfish - they're the foundation of safety in all relationships, including the therapeutic relationship. Essential listening for anyone who struggles with guilt around self-care or feels exhausted from constantly prioritizing others' comfort over their own wellbeing. Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

Disclaimer: This episode contains personal opinions and perspectives on complex geopolitical issues. The views expressed by the host and guest do not represent an official position on the Israel-Palestine conflict and are shared as part of an exploration of psychological and emotional dimensions of identity, trauma, and human connection. This conversation is meant to provoke thought and empathy rather than promote any particular political stance. In this thought-provoking episode, I speak with journalist and writer Joseph Dana about the nuanced relationship between Jewish identity, trauma, and Israel-Palestine. Joseph shares his personal journey from American Reform Judaism to Israeli immigration and eventual residence in Ramallah, offering unique insights as someone who has lived on both sides of the conflict. We explore how Holocaust trauma continues to shape modern Jewish identity, creating what Joseph describes as a "continuation of the Holocaust period" rather than a post-Holocaust era. This trauma response helps explain the powerful emotional connections many diaspora Jews feel toward Israel, even as the state pursues policies that may not serve Jewish safety worldwide. Joseph challenges the Zionist notion that Israel represents "the end of Jewish history," suggesting instead that we need to reconnect with the broader Jewish historical experience. This conversation examines identity, intergenerational trauma, and the possibility of finding common humanity across divides that often seem unbridgeable. Resources: Support humanitarian aid in Palestine: https://giftofthegivers.org/where-we-work/palestine/ Recommended Reading: A eulogy for Israeli activist Ezra Nawi: https://www.tabletmag.com/sections/israel-middle-east/articles/in-memory-ezra-nawi South African Jews and Palestine: https://newlinesmag.com/argument/south-africas-stance-on-palestine-opens-questions-about-apartheid-and-history/ The Crisis of Zionism: https://www.thenationalnews.com/arts-culture/books/the-crisis-of-zionism-undeterred-by-unavoidable-realities-1.439490 Follow Joseph Dana Website: https://www.josephdana.org/about Twitter: https://x.com/ibnezra?lang=en Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ibnezra/reels/ Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

In this heartfelt solo episode, I explore what we've lost in modern motherhood - the village, the tribe, the collective female support that once surrounded new mothers. Patriarchal systems have stripped value from traditionally feminine roles, leaving mothers isolated in their achievements and struggles. From my therapy practice, I witness mothers performing daily acts of heroism that go unseen: handling potty training disasters with grace, soothing babies while maintaining professional conversations. These "invisible" achievements deserve celebration. The problem isn't that we're worse at mothering than previous generations - it's that we lack the chorus of voices telling us we're doing well. This episode honors all mothers - those who struggled with infertility, NICU moms, those questioning their abilities, and everyone showing up daily for their children. Join the #MomTribe movement by acknowledging and celebrating the mothers in your lives. Join the Movement: Share your appreciation for a mother in your life with #MomTribe #OnTheCouchWithCarlyMomTribe Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

In this powerful episode, I sit down with artist, filmmaker and photographer Justice Mukheli, who I've followed for over 12 years. Known for his groundbreaking project "I See A Different You" which beautifully reshapes African narratives, Justice shares his transformative journey into fatherhood with his seven-month-old daughter. We explore how this experience has fundamentally changed him as a man and artist, challenging traditional ideas of masculinity and caregiving. Justice opens up about the reality behind the fantasy of parenthood - from the humbling experience of watching his wife's pregnancy to the intense mental load of caring for a newborn. He offers candid insights about the privilege of being a man in parenting, the challenges of balancing work with being present, and how his relationship with his daughter has influenced his creative work. His powerful perspective: "Do what feels right for you. Nothing is wrong." Follow Justice Mukheli: Website: https://www.justicemukheli.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/justicemukheli/?hl=en Enquiries: info@chilliartprojects.com / mukheli.justice@gmail.com Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/10155915628663643 Follow Carly on: Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw

After a period of reflection and growth, On the Couch with Carly returns on MAY 14, 2025, with fresh perspectives on mental health, relationships, and the messy parts of being human. On the Couch returns with three powerful episodes exploring fatherhood with Justice Mukheli, my solo episode on the collective experience of motherhood, and complex conversations about identity with Joseph Dana. Healing happens in relationships, not isolation. Until May 14th, please take good care of yourself. I can't wait to be back On the Couch with you again. Follow Carly on: Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/on-the-couch-with-carly/id1497585376 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3t7A2FMnISQ2fz9D5p0Xuw YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBi56xQookfRGL3zvWVzCg Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/onthecouchwithcarly/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onthecouchwithcarly/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onthecouchwithcarly Website: https://onthecouchwithcarly.com/ Apple Podcasts · Spotify

I'm noticing the amount of pressure our parenting generation is under. We are working harder as well as parenting harder than ever before. In addition, we are being expected to "end inter-generational trauma" by giving our children the kinds of emotional attunement many of us never got ourselves. This is hard and I caution against the messaging that this is something we can even do, especially in our own individual capacities. I also offer a solution, which I think it the only way to survive and thrive as a modern parent today. Parenting workshops

Birth trauma can occur after baby is born. Nothing is quite as frightening as experiencing your newborn baby going into NICU but knowing the thresholds and protocols around this event will help. In this episode I unpack how I believe we need to educate ourselves in pregnancy for some of the more scary things that can go wrong. With the help of a doula you can be informed and empowered through this process.

In this episode I speak to the pandemic facing most families: the unequal division of labour in the home! Moms are carrying the mental load of parenting in disproportionate amounts. I look at the various factors that contribute to this reality and give some suggestions for how to navigate this and strive for a more equitable system.

Today's episode is a departure from the pregnancy and postpartum theme as I have an exciting announcement. I have just qualified as an integral coach! In this episode I discuss why I have chosen to become a coach, how coaching is different from therapy and what kinds of questions/problems you should bring to coaching.

Sleep training is not for everyone but for this sleep-deprived mom it was the key to surviving postpartum with her mental health intact. In this episode we talk about the need to center the mother's mental health as a necessary means to build secure attachment.

This is a follow up episode to the sleep training episode. I am 6 months down the line and this is what I have figured out about sleep and I offer my take so that you can feel empowered to make choices for you and your family that take into account everyone's needs.

What do you do when you feel anxious? In this episode I talk about how we need to not only manage the symptoms of anxiety, we need to understand what our anxiety is telling us and actually make structural changes to bring ease to our lives. In particular, I unpack why we are seeing such high rates of Postpartum Anxiety and what we should be doing about it.

Choosing to be a parent isn't for everyone. Today I unpack some of the things to consider when deciding whether to become a parent

This is a short episode where I discuss my experience of dealing with sibling rivalry and some advice for helping your children manage their big feelings around their siblings.

To sleep train or not to sleep train, that is the question? Meg and I unpack the thorny topic of infant sleep. Can babies learn to self soothe? Does this impact attachment to the caregiver? What should you do as a parent to help your baby sleep better so that everyone in the family benefits? Or should we accept to be sleep deprived throughout the period of infancy?

In this episode I reflect on what I have learnt through having a second baby that I wish I had known as a first time mom. I also share what others have offered as advice for first-time moms now that they have a second baby.

In this very short episode (that i've recorded as a video as well) I discuss socialising as a new mom. Extroverts or introverts, neurotypical or atypical - not everyone feels energized and comforted by mom groups. I unpack some of the reasons for this and how to choose who to keep in your orbit.

I have launched two new online products which are live on my website now! Listen to this episode to understand what motivated me to create these, who they're most suitable for and get a discount code to receive 10% off your first order. Happy shopping #onthecouchwithcarly

We are sold so many competing narratives about what makes a good mom. But really we just need to be seen. This role entails wading through much complexity and finding one's true north amidst a barrage of messages from the culture in a capitalist society can be near impossible. Your job is hard momma, and you're doing your best!

I briefly go into some of the tools we have at our disposal when we have a baby. I unpack the difference between help and support. And I share my experience of being in weekly therapy.

For many new parents, the newborn phase can be challenging because of how unpredictable and chaotic life can feel when you are learning your new baby. If you're looking for things to be 100% predictable and controllable then you might feel like you're failing when things don't go according to "plan". In this episode I unpack this desire for predictability and how the process of coming to terms with this is the greatest early lesson of parenthood.

Breastfeeding (or chestfeeding) is hard AF. For most, it's a journey that does not come easy. We know it's good for our babies but it is a complex skill that needs to be learned, like learning a new dance, and there WILL be mis-steps along the way. When things don't go well it can feel like a personal failure and that is because of the way we are communicating about breastfeeding as a society. In this episode I unpack all the reasons I understand breastfeeding to be hard and how we should be thinking about this journey or learning experience instead.

Beyond the bump. In my first episode since giving birth, I talk to the themes around birth and postpartum that seem most universal. In this episode I share quotes from Dee Marco who documented her first 40 days postpartum on Tiny Letter.

In this episode I speak to the psychological experience of being in the final stages of pregnancy. I also look at how people respond to you at this stage and how to navigate this.

I don't really believe in the whole "new year new me" concept but in this episode I do share how I have gained insights in two specific areas since being on maternity leave. I discuss the enormous benefits of slowing down and resting and provide an update on my social media hiatus and how it has affected my mental health.

Support is the golden thread that runs through much of what we discuss in Oh Baby, WTF! If you missed our in-person workshop on the 10th you will soon be able to download the course online through my website, along with the couples coaching course Ready, Steady, Baby! Support is something we need to think about and include in our birth plan but most importantly in our postpartum plan. In this episode I talk about why support matters so much and what you can do to get the help and support you need.

Support is the golden thread that runs through much of what we discuss in Oh Baby, WTF! If you missed our in-person workshop on the 10th you will soon be able to download the course online through my website, along with the couples coaching course Ready, Steady, Baby! Support is something we need to think about and include in our birth plan but most importantly in our postpartum plan. In this episode I talk about why support matters so much and what you can do to get the help and support you need.

In this episode I share my knowledge on doulas and doula support. I wrote my masters thesis on doula support so I have read countless studies that provide strong evidence for the use of doulas during birth. If you are thinking of getting a doula or not sure what that even is, this episode will hopefully help you understand why these women are so beneficial and should be part of every birth story!

In this episode I share my knowledge on doulas and doula support. I wrote my masters thesis on doula support so I have read countless studies that provide strong evidence for the use of doulas during birth. If you are thinking of getting a doula or not sure what that even is, this episode will hopefully help you understand why these women are so beneficial and should be part of every birth story!

I am about to go on maternity leave and have decided to challenge myself to go off social media to try and manage my addiction to my smartphone. In this episode I speak about how social media has been a lifeline at times, especially since becoming a parent. I acknowledge the benefits of finding community and connection online but am realising that I use these tools in ways that aren't so helpful as well. Addictions are tools for "numbing" and this time around I want to find ways of being WITH my emotional distress: loneliness, isolation, boredom, anxiety rather than escaping these parts of myself. I am curious to find out what I will be available to me when I am no longer spending hours on my phone. What will I discover? What will I learn? What can I access? Let me know if you want to join me on this challenge! I also need your help. I need you to keep sharing your love for this podcast. Please subscribe, rate and review this podcast or sign up to my newsletter on my website to stay up to date with these weekly podcasts.

I am about to go on maternity leave and have decided to challenge myself to go off social media to try and manage my addiction to my smartphone. In this episode I speak about how social media has been a lifeline at times, especially since becoming a parent. I acknowledge the benefits of finding community and connection online but am realising that I use these tools in ways that aren't so helpful as well. Addictions are tools for "numbing" and this time around I want to find ways of being WITH my emotional distress: loneliness, isolation, boredom, anxiety rather than escaping these parts of myself. I am curious to find out what I will be available to me when I am no longer spending hours on my phone. What will I discover? What will I learn? What can I access? Let me know if you want to join me on this challenge! I also need your help. I need you to keep sharing your love for this podcast. Please subscribe, rate and review this podcast or sign up to my newsletter on my website to stay up to date with these weekly podcasts.

*Upcoming event* In this episode I discuss the reasons I'm offering this once-off antenatal workshop at Atlantic Children's Practice in the V&A Waterfront on 10 December 2022. Oh baby, WTF! is a workshop that all expecting first time parents should attend. Unlike traditional antenatal courses, it REALLY prepares you for what it's like to bring home a new baby. The focus is on the experience of becoming a parent so that you are prepared for the many ways that having a baby impacts on every sphere of your life including your identity, your relationship with your partner and your community, as well as your work/career. You will also be provided with a toolkit for how to navigate those WTF moments with your mental health intact.

*Upcoming event* In this episode I discuss the reasons I'm offering this once-off antenatal workshop at Atlantic Children's Practice in the V&A Waterfront on 10 December 2022. Oh baby, WTF! is a workshop that all expecting first time parents should attend. Unlike traditional antenatal courses, it REALLY prepares you for what it's like to bring home a new baby. The focus is on the experience of becoming a parent so that you are prepared for the many ways that having a baby impacts on every sphere of your life including your identity, your relationship with your partner and your community, as well as your work/career. You will also be provided with a toolkit for how to navigate those WTF moments with your mental health intact.

Our first guest this season is the incredible Dr Jess Standbridge. A specialist psychiatrist and advocate for mental health, Jess has recently become a mother. This experience informs the many insights she shares around maternal mental health and the transformative experience of becoming a mother. In this episode we hear about her own pregnancy and how she learned the most important lesson of all...how to surrender.

Our first guest this season is the incredible Dr Jess Standbridge. A specialist psychiatrist and advocate for mental health, Jess has recently become a mother. This experience informs the many insights she shares around maternal mental health and the transformative experience of becoming a mother. In this episode we hear about her own pregnancy and how she learned the most important lesson of all...how to surrender.

In this episode I start to unpack the various options available to us when we start to think about what kind of birth we want. We need to reckon with the medicalization of birth. There are choices available to us but sometimes we don't get the birth we want. Empowered is always best so I always encourage a sense of agency as well as trust in care providers.

In this episode I start to unpack the various options available to us when we start to think about what kind of birth we want. We need to reckon with the medicalization of birth. There are choices available to us but sometimes we don't get the birth we want. Empowered is always best so I always encourage a sense of agency as well as trust in care providers.

Pregnancy is a time of adjustment. Like all adjustments, it's a process that involves resistance and surrender. In this episode I talk about how I surrendered to a part of the process this week that taught me again how to take care of my needs via communication of a boundary. I hope it inspires you to do the same.

Pregnancy is a time of adjustment. Like all adjustments, it's a process that involves resistance and surrender. In this episode I talk about how I surrendered to a part of the process this week that taught me again how to take care of my needs via communication of a boundary. I hope it inspires you to do the same.

Around 15% of pregnancies result in miscarriage. Loss is unfortunately a part of many people's fertility journey. In this episode I discuss the loss that occurs via abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death. What can we expect from the grieving process and what can we do to process these kinds of losses?

Around 15% of pregnancies result in miscarriage. Loss is unfortunately a part of many people's fertility journey. In this episode I discuss the loss that occurs via abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death. What can we expect from the grieving process and what can we do to process these kinds of losses?

People get way too up in your business when you're pregnant. Here are a few things you should NEVER ask a pregnant person. I offer suggestions of things to ask / ways to ask that are not invasive and offer support and compassion instead. Also if you're pregnant, I offer some advice around how to navigate boundaries with perfect strangers asking invasive questions.

People get way too up in your business when you're pregnant. Here are a few things you should NEVER ask a pregnant person. I offer suggestions of things to ask / ways to ask that are not invasive and offer support and compassion instead. Also if you're pregnant, I offer some advice around how to navigate boundaries with perfect strangers asking invasive questions.

I talk about the journey of the first trimester, the ups and downs, and all the emotions in between. In these first three months of pregnancy you can expect to feel anything and everything including hope, fear, loss, guilt and relief.

I talk about the journey of the first trimester, the ups and downs, and all the emotions in between. In these first three months of pregnancy you can expect to feel anything and everything including hope, fear, loss, guilt and relief.

The start of season 3 and it sounds...well...different. I'm no longer in studio but I hope that even though this sounds less profesh, at least I will now be able to deliver weekly episodes! I have a big announcement for you...but you have to listen to find out what it is.

The start of season 3 and it sounds...well...different. I'm no longer in studio but I hope that even though this sounds less profesh, at least I will now be able to deliver weekly episodes! I have a big announcement for you...but you have to listen to find out what it is.

Zakeeya Patel is a well-known South African actress. She has been educating herself on the topic of body shaming and body positivity/neutrality and is here to talk about all that she has learned.

Zakeeya Patel is a well-known South African actress. She has been educating herself on the topic of body shaming and body positivity/neutrality and is here to talk about all that she has learned.

The Circle of Security Parenting Intervention is a phenomenal tool to help parents of small children. Myself and Bev are both licensed facilitators. We sat down to chat about this amazing intervention, so you can understand a little bit more about it.