I'm a divorced father of three kids who had his life turned upside-down...
In this Dear DSO episode, we tackle Holden's powerful story: ✅ A 22-year marriage, wrecked by infidelity ✅ A toxic ex dragging their adult kids down ✅ A father who rebuilt his life, career, and confidence — but still worries about his boysI break down what happens long-term when kids get stuck in a toxic home and what (if anything) you, as the healthier parent, can realistically do to help.If you're facing similar struggles, you're not alone — join me and other men like you in the HFM Brotherhood: helpformen.com/join
In this episode of Dear DSO, I tackle Dave's story — he's been married 13 years, but for the last eight, the bedroom has been dead. Less than 10 times a year. He's doing the chores, paying the bills, helping with everything, hoping it will reignite intimacy… but it hasn't worked.We talk about perimenopause, the harsh biological and emotional shifts that happen in long-term marriages, and the hard truth: sometimes, no amount of chore-play will bring back the spark.
Is it wrong to want more sex in your marriage? What if your wife thinks you're a pervert for having a normal male sex drive?In this episode of Dear DSO, I respond to a submission from a man who feels like a prisoner to his own sexuality. He's doing the work, improving his life, but still feels rejected, shamed, and shut out by his wife. Sound familiar?We'll dig into the anxious/avoidant dynamic, religious repression, codependency, and the harsh truth that sometimes… they just don't want you anymore.I'm not here to shame guys like this — I was this guy. If you relate, you're not alone. We see this pattern over and over inside the Brotherhood.
In this Dear DSO episode, we're diving into a common and surprisingly emotional question: "If I get a vasectomy, will my wife still want me?"This one came from Matt — a father of three, married for five years, and totally done having kids… but now he's worried that the snip might lead to a dead bedroom.We break down:The primal fears behind vasectomy anxietyWhether a man's fertility is linked to attractionThe truth about women's desire post-snipHow stress and resentment play a bigger role than biologyWhy anxious thoughts can sabotage your relationshipIf you're married, done having kids, and wondering if a vasectomy will ruin your sex life… this one's for you.
In this “Dear DSO” episode, I respond to a story from John—a newly separated man wondering if it's time to ditch the 9-to-5 life, buy a van, and find himself on the open road.Is this a classic midlife crisis, or the adventure of a lifetime? Let's talk about what it means to "lose yourself" in the family machine… and whether it's ever too late to start over.
In this Dear DSO submission, a follower named John reached out to share his story. He was in a long-distance relationship, had clear boundaries about contact with the opposite sex, and discovered that his girlfriend followed and messaged a local pharmacy tech—without telling him. That was enough for John to walk away… but now he's second-guessing everything.Join The HFM Brotherhood!
Michael reached out to me with a story I hear way too often. Thirty years of a sexless marriage, confusion, shame, guilt — and then, one day, his wife finally opens up with a truth that changed everything.In this raw, honest conversation, we explore what it means to sacrifice your needs, the silent damage it does, and how deeply hidden trauma can shape a marriage for decades.This one's for the guys out there wondering:“Is it me?”“Am I broken?”“Should I just stay?”…or finally walk away.Join The HFM Brotherhood!
In today's Dear DSO, I respond to a heartbreaking story from a 39-year-old Army Special Ops veteran who's been through the wringer—divorce, remarriage, infidelity, therapy, and now… his wife wants to separate again, “date,” and possibly reevaluate in six months.If you've ever felt like you're living in a constant loop of chaos in your relationship, especially after betrayal, this one will hit home. We unpack anxious attachment, gaslighting, guilt, PTSD, and how military culture compounds all of it.Join The HFM Brotherhood!
In this episode of Dear DSO, I respond to a letter from Jerome—a man who's feeling disillusioned and depressed about relationships and marriage. After a breakup and years of being told that “marriage is the dream,” he's beginning to question everything.Does long-term monogamy even work anymore? Are women really wired for it? Is the “wife and kids” dream still alive for men today?I unpack all of this and more—including what I've learned from helping thousands of men, my interview with Women's Infidelity author Michelle Langley, and my own personal experiences.
In this live conversation, I sit down with Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, to talk about the psychology of the modern man—especially the ones struggling in dead bedrooms, difficult marriages, and post-divorce confusion.We dig into why so many men unknowingly sabotage their relationships, how covert contracts fuel resentment, and what it takes to stop being the “nice guy” and start living a better life. If you've ever felt stuck in a marriage with no affection, no sex, and no answers—this is the episode for you.
We all crave emotional safety and stability in our long-term relationships…But what if that very safety is what slowly smothers erotic desire?In this livestream, I dive into one of the most frustrating and misunderstood dynamics in long-term monogamy: the trade-off between comfort and sexuality.Why does it feel like the more secure your relationship becomes, the more the passion disappears?Join The HFM Brotherhood!
Brendan's been dating his girlfriend for three years — and the sex is already slowing to a crawl. He's worried this is setting the tone for a future marriage, and he's not wrong. In this clip from a LIVE DSO, we dig into one of the biggest red flags guys ignore: early sexual disinterest. If you're seeing signs of a dead bedroom while you're still dating… buckle up.Join The HFM Brotherhood!
Ramius has been married for 47 years. In his 70s, he's gotten healthy, got his testosterone up, and wants to stay sexually and emotionally connected to his wife. The problem? She's done. No interest, no desire, early bedtime, and emotionally checked out from intimacy. What do you do when one partner still wants connection… and the other is ready to ride off into the grandma sunset?Let's talk aging, sex, emotional reality, and the hard truth most men won't hear until it's too late.
Keith has been married six years. No sex since baby #1. Volatile arguments. Threats of suicide. Police visits. And yet — he's afraid to leave. This is the classic trauma-bonded, broken-from-the-start marriage. In this episode, I talk about what it means to finally say “enough,” and how men can break free from toxic relationships.Join The HFM Brotherhood
Ross is in a marriage where intimacy is dead, but the jealousy is alive and well. Despite his massive physical transformation and emotional growth, his wife remains cold and uninterested — while also resenting any female attention he gets. Oh… and she had an affair last year. Let's unpack this contradiction and talk about what it really means when your wife doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you either.Join The HFM Brotherhood
In this Dear DSO submission, a husband shares his frustration: after two kids, his wife seems to have completely disappeared into motherhood. Once bubbly and fun, now she's anxious, overwhelmed, and only shows affection after wine or exotic vacations.He's worked on himself, lost 60 lbs, rebuilt his confidence—but his wife won't join him. No therapy. No gym. No time for herself. And definitely no connection with him as a man.Join The HFM Brotherhood!
Ned is a Special Ops vet whose marriage has seen it all — deployment, infidelity, gaslighting, emotional chaos… and now his wife wants to “separate, date around, and reevaluate in 6 months.” What should he do? This episode dives deep into how trauma, emotional abuse, and codependency show up in military marriages — and what men need to reclaim clarity and strength.Join The HFM Brotherhood!
In this powerful Dear DSO entry, I read a message from a man whose wife left him after 20 years of marriage. He gave everything to his family—his time, energy, identity—and now he's completely lost. No friends. No hobbies. No direction.This story is not uncommon, and it shines a light on what happens when men sacrifice themselves entirely for the sake of family and end up with nothing when it all falls apart.In this video, I break down his story and share what men in similar situations can do to rebuild and come back stronger than ever.
A husband writes in with a heartbreaking and outrageous story: after 16 years of marriage and raising six boys together, his wife gave him an ultimatum — “Open marriage or no marriage.” She claims to be polyamorous and bisexual… and already has a boyfriend she's in love with. Now she expects her husband to accept it — even while the boyfriend sleeps with her in their own marital bed.In this episode of Dear DSO, Ralph (Dad Starting Over) breaks down the emotional chaos, what's really happening behind the scenes, and what this man — and others in similar situations — need to do next.
What happens when your wife cheats... not just with anyone, but with your married next-door neighbor you've known since childhood?Jake wrote in to share his heartbreaking story of betrayal and confusion after discovering a year-long affair between his wife and their neighbor. They've been together 13 years, have kids, and he's trying to work through it—but the emotional fallout is brutal.In this episode, we break down:Why affairs feel so addictively powerfulWhy “forbidden and new” is a dangerous comboWhat healing really looks likeThe brutal truth about reconciling after infidelityJoin The HFM Brotherhood!
Victoria reached out to share her story — a candid, emotional, and often shocking look into a toxic relationship filled with insecurity, gaslighting, and infidelity.From being accused of cheating over a sex toy…To discovering her partner was visiting massage parlors and hiding condoms…To finding the strength to walk away for the sake of her child and herself.This is one woman's raw account of breaking free, setting boundaries, and learning to trust herself again.If you've ever stayed too long in the wrong relationship, this one's for you.Join The HFM Brotherhood!
In this candid livestream, Ralph is joined by psychologist and creator of @psychacks , Dr. Orion Taraban, for a powerful and thought-provoking conversation on modern masculinity, dating, marriage, and purpose. Topics include:Why fewer men are choosing marriageWhether commitment still makes sense in today's dating landscapeThe reality behind sex, status, and the modern mating gameDeveloping purpose without relying on external validationHow to become a high-value man in today's world
What happens when a man starts taking control of his health—drops weight, hits the gym, starts TRT and Viagra—and his wife doesn't like it?In this clip from a Dad Starting Over livestream, I share a common (and surprising) reaction many men hear from their wives when they try to turn their life around physically, emotionally, and sexually. The truth? Some women feel threatened by the changes… especially when those changes mean a man is more confident, more virile, and more sexually energized.This isn't anti-woman—it's a real conversation about the complicated dynamics that come with aging, libido, and relationship expectations.Whether you're a man on a journey of self-improvement or a woman trying to understand your partner better, this one's for you.
A reader sent me an email with some harsh feedback—he says my book is BS because by the time a man picks it up, his marriage is already doomed. He's frustrated, resentful, and exhausted from trying everything, and he doesn't believe any change in him will ever fix his wife's lack of desire. Is he right? Or is he missing something deeper?Join The HFM Brotherhood!
A man reached out with a tough confession: after years of a sexless marriage, he turned to porn—and now he feels trapped. He says he's addicted, his wife ignores the problem, and if she knew the full extent of it, she'd leave. He feels ashamed, lost, and desperate for an answer."But is porn really the issue here? Or is it just a symptom of a much bigger problem?"Join The HFM Brotherhood!
Jennifer writes into to share the story of her OCD husband's super cleaning habits, and how she doesn't feel like it "counts" as helping out like "normal" guys do... because her husband's cleaning is an artifact of his disorder. I, like most men, will determine that her opinion on the value of his help is determined by how much he is suffering in the process. No, Jennifer... this was not a good thing.Join The HFM Brotherhood!
This is a clip from one of my recent DSO Live Streams on Facebook and Youtube. What happens when a man gives everything to his marriage—only to discover it was built on lies? A follower emailed me with his devastating story: His wife had a long-term affair...and he discovered that their youngest child was not his. The betrayal, the heartbreak, and the life-altering truth—this is one of the most gut-wrenching stories I've ever received. In this video, we break down what happened and what to do when your entire world gets turned upside down.Join The HFM Brotherhood!
A follower shares his story that is, unfortunately, all too common. His woman gave him every indication that she wasn't really good long-term relationship material. In fact, she flat out TOLD him that she has issues with her sex drive when in relationships. Like a lot of codependent men, Liam took that as a challenge to prove his worth as a spouse. Now he is left wondering why his woman left him for a guy young enough to be his son. Join The HFM Brotherhood!
This is a follow-up to a post I recently made about relationships floundering due to "silly" things like looks and money. Yes, those things matter! They don't go away just because you said, "I do". To think otherwise is foolish.Join the HFM Brotherhood!
A follower reaches out to tell the story of his very chaotic and dysfunctional relationship. Like most, he had many opportunities to make a course correction, but he kept choosing the wrong turn each time. Cheating, divorce, dead bedroom, getting back together, more dead bedroom... It's not good!Join the HFM Brotherhood
A follower reaches out with a very difficult situation: He and the wife have been living in a very dysfunctional relationship for over a decade. She's been displaying possible depression symptoms for a long time, preying upon his codependent tendencies, and now she is really sick and requires him to care for her around the clock. Everyone is telling the man to leave, but he feels obligated to stay. Join the HFM Brotherhood!
A follower reaches out with a story that no man wants to hear: His wife told him that he wasn't big enough. To add insult to injury, she compared him to a much bigger ex-lover. Ouch. Why on earth would a wife say that to a husband?! Let's talk about it.Join the HFM Brotherhood!
Ant, a follower, reaches out with his story of complete chaos. This is the perfect example of a naive man who marries a probably borderline wife, and the many examples of making the wrong decision at very crucial points in their relationship together. It all started from day one, and went downhill from there. This one... in painful to listen to.Join the HFM Brotherhood!
In this video, I am responding to commenters who tell them that they shouldn't HAVE to put in effort to maintain a relationship and attraction. You just stick around with your spouse because that's what you're SUPPOSE to do... not because you two genuinely want each other. Is that a good mindset for a married couple to be in? I don't think so.Join the HFM Brotherhood!
Our pal "Wordsmith" is back with a new "Dear DSO" submission (https://deardso.com). He's perplexed by his soon-to-be ex-wife's erratic behavior. Why is she doing these things? Why is she suddenly liking and not liking certain things? Why is she hot and then cold? Very common questions!We also go into Wordsmith's difficulties with handling the stress of the split and his loneliness. Hang in there, Wordsmith! We're here for you.Join The HFM Brotherhood!
A "Dear DSO" follower reaches out to share his frustration. He's at a loss. His married sex life has stopped completely for the past two years. The reason? Menopause. The wife says that menopause is a "medical condition" that he needs to respect, and she has unilaterally decided that their married sex life is over. What is he to do?Join The HFM Brotherhood!
A follower from a live stream asks about advice when it comes to dating. He has just started dating two years after his divorce. He's seeing green flags for sure, but what about red flags? How do you know what to look out for?Join the HFM Brotherhood!
This is a clip from one of our private live zoom meetings we host for members of our HFM Brotherhood. We have anywhere from 6-8 live meetings every week, and they are all recorded for our members to listen back to. In this clip, we are talking about the age-old topic of "chore play": Men doing things in order to get sex from the wife. Many of us have been there and done that. It doesn't work... not as far as sparking sexual energy in a relationship is concerned. You still do chores around the house because you're an adult and they need to get done, but don't think for a second that it will result in more sex from your spouse. But, with that being said, it sure is the very first thing many women mention when the topic of fixing a dead bedroom comes up. "Perhaps if the man did more around the house!"Join the HFM Brotherhood!
From a DSO Live Stream, Ralph reacts to a follower saying that he has to lie to women about his kid situation in order to get dates. Guys, we have to stop lying to just get women. It's not doing anybody any good. It shows your level of desperation and scarcity when it comes to relationships, and it flat out doesn't work in the long run.Join the HFM Brotherhood!
Ralph gets a "Dear DSO" submission for a guy named Joe... and it's a doozy! Listen to Joe's story and how one big, important life decision (taking his mentally ill ex-girlfriend back) derailed his entire life. This one is not for the faint of heart!Join the HFM Brotherhood!
For those who watch a lot of DSO videos and listen to the podcast, you have probably heard me mention the name "Wordsmith" more than a few times. Wordsmith is a follower who has written in to Dear DSO quite a bit, as well as commenting on live streams. After years, Wordsmith has finally taken time to sit and chat about his situation and where things have led him (hint: Divorce). This is a good one!Join the HFM Brotherhood!The Dead Bedroom Fix Video Course
Here are the most-asked questions I received in 2024. Thanks to all of you reached out to me, purchased a book, signed up for coaching, or signed up for our men's group (The HFM Brotherhood). Love all you guys, and I wish you the best for 2025!Join the HFM Brotherhood!
Ralph addresses a common dilemma faced by many men undergoing relationship challenges; the question of whether and how to "get your wife back" after a separation. Using a listener's question as a springboard, Ralph dives into the complexities of attempting to reconcile when a significant other leaves. Throughout the discussion, he examines various relationship advice trends and the psychological dynamics that often underlie such situations.Join The HFM Brotherhood
Ralph delves into a thought-provoking discussion prompted by a listener named Paula, who challenges his advice that men should wait three years before marrying a woman. Ralph explores the complexities of relationship timelines, contrasting perspectives, and biological constraints, offering a nuanced view on navigating modern relationships. This episode provides listeners with a comprehensive look at both societal expectations and the natural aspects influencing relationship decisions.Ralph argues that while some women expect men to propose within six months, a thorough understanding of a partner requires more time. He underscores the importance of observing partners through various life stages over a period of three years for a more reliable assessment of compatibility. By using SEO keywords like "relationship timelines," "biological clock," and "marriage advice," Ralph addresses Paula's concerns regarding family planning, emphasizing the physiological realities women face with age. His insights encourage both men and women to approach marriage with patience and awareness, balancing desires for family life with the authentic knowledge of their partners.Join the HFM Brotherhood!
Ralph delves into the intricate topic of infidelity among men, drawing from his extensive experience working with men and data from anonymous surveys. This discussion explores the nuances and complexities behind why some men cheat, categorizing them into two distinct types: the "former player" and the "anxious needy." Ralph provides a pragmatic understanding of the male need for sexual variety, the emotional struggle of maintaining monogamous commitments, and the emotional compartmentalization that accompanies affairs. He offers a candid look at how men justify actions outside their marriages and the psychological toll infidelity bears on their interpersonal relationships.Join the HFM Brotherhood
Ralph examines anxiety in relationships, focusing on the interaction between anxious men and their equally anxious partners. Ralph draws on his decade of experience to highlight patterns seen in conversations with men. He explores how generalized anxiety appears in marriage and parenting and affects personal relationships.Join the HFM Brotherhood!
Ralph explores the often harsh reality faced by newly divorced individuals re-entering the dating world. He challenges the romanticized notion of "the one" by presenting the concept of serial monogamy, where multiple long-term relationships replace the quest for a singular lifelong partner. This video provides a thought-provoking examination of the shifting nature of relationships in a post-divorce world, emphasizing the discomfort many feel when confronted with this reality.Join the HFM Brotherhood
Ralph addresses a "Dear DSO" letter from a man named Steve, who shares the breakdown of his 15-year marriage due to his wife's significant lifestyle and fitness changes. The story unfolds themes such as infidelity, personal change, and the impact of overlooking warning signs in relationships. Ralph provides advice and support to Steve and listeners facing similar issues.Steve's story highlights how quickly life can change when personal growth leads to unforeseen and painful outcomes. Join the HFM Brotherhood!
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