The Horror of Nachos and Hamantaschen

Long before Parker Finn made creepy smiling a thing, there was Ray Russell's 1961 story ‘Sardonicus'. You may have seen images of a dude with a really bad prosthetic mouth from the film adaptation ‘Mr. Sardonicus', but the story does a much better version of this because you only see images from reading IN YOUR MIND. Also, “Mr.” Sardonicus was my father, please call me Marek.

2011's “Fright Night” is, of course, a remake of the 1964 classic Spanish film “Noche de Miedo” starring Carlos Larrañaga, Rafael Guerrero, and Aurora Bautista. Not only that, it's one of the rare remake exceptions where a good movie is remade into a movie that is equally good. Is that even legal? Oh damn, are we going to get disappeared to a foreign prison now? Never forget us listeners….

We all know the GOOD horror movie remakes; The Thing, The Fly, The Blob, etc, but what about the remakes that are a little more underappreciated? Everyone now is foolishly remaking good movies into meh/garbage films, but what about taking a solidly meh movie to begin with and giving it a loving touchup? Wes Craven's 1977 ‘The Hills Have Eyes” is a bland version of the Sawney Bean legend, but what if that was jazzed up a bit into, say, a 2006 retelling focusing on the dangers of nuclear testing in the American Southwest? Well say what if no longer, because that's what we're covering today.

When watching ‘Candyman', have you ever thought, “You know, this ain't bad, but mon dieu, not French enough for my liking!” The 2020 film ‘Kandisha' doesn't exactly have you covered, but it doesn't exactly not have you covered either. Rib cage full of bees, legs of a goat or camel, same difference when it comes to supernatural entities you summon by saying their name multiple times in a mirror. Don't even get me started on Bloody Mary. Also, some timely Predator talk, and JR gives advice on what not to do in an interview.

Did you like ‘The Substance' but didn't feel like it had enough SA/Revenge? Well luckily for you, director Coralie Fargeat made another movie in 2017 about just that! Sure, it's only titled “Revenge”, but that's a much smarter choice marketing-wise. Also a smart marketing choice, casting the most callipygian leads for all the ass men and women out there.

Are you looking for a movie about dark web child snuff films that you can show your Meemaw? Assuming she hasn't already watched it, we recommend the 2023 Quebecois feature “Les Chambres Rouges”, or “Red Rooms” if you don't speak French. Remember how we're doing a whole French language horror thing? The theme continues un petit peu.

Mon dieu! The boys are diving into un peu de cinéma français with 2024's MadS. Don't let the misleading description fool you, this is every zombie movie you've seen, but with a bit of a stylistic twist, and we're not talking just the “S” in the title being capitalized. Don't worry, there are a lot fewer Mads Mikkelsen jokes than you would expect.

Nine years and 324 episodes later, author Ian Rogers returns to the podcast! We predicted back then that he'd be going places, and as his tales of wide book releases and consulting on Sam Raimi adaptations of them suggest, he is on his way to the moon. How do YOU get Sam Raimi to adapt something of yours? Lend Ian your ear and maybe you'll find out…

The boys return, only kind of forgetting how podcasts work as JR's babysitter clangs away for 20 minutes, but after that it's all chiller, no filler. And the reviews, oh the reviews! We got Beau is Afraid, The Leopard Man, Nosferatu, The Wolf Man, Wolf Man, The Seventh Victim, Companion, Horror's Greatest, and a little Dan Simmons duo of Song of Kali and Summer of Night. Seems like they also forgot to make a short episode as well…

Merry Christmas everyone, and as such here is our annual Christmas themed episode covering, er… the 2024 holiday classic “Oddity”. Alright, you got us, this is just something we wanted to watch because of the golem thing, nothing Christmas related, although if we are to believe this is a golem we could get a little of that Jewish mysticism in there. Do you love the scripts of Giallo films but dislike the colors and other distinctive nonsense of one? This here is a present for you then.

If you watched the opening of the first X-Files movie and said, "I need me more of that cave man horror!", 2022's 'Out of Darkness' is not that. What is it? Well, certainly not a film anyone who knew how to market a cave man based drama was involved in. Derek spouts some Neanderthal conspiracy nonsense, and JR seems to think people in movies are real. Another classic episode.

In our most provocatively titled film since “Butt Boy”, 2024's “Daddy's Head” is sure to get you on a list if you google it too much. “Daddy's Face” would technically be more accurate, especially since you wouldn't want to confuse this with some sort of “Head of the Family” or “Re-Animator” animated head scenario. What's the scenario instead? Aliens? Grief? YOU DECIDE!

For a series that uses so many forward slashes in its titles that it tanks its SEO, 2024's “V/H/S/Beyond” is somewhat of an outlier for the 7th film in a franchise. Sure, it still has multiple shorts involving bros dropping the f-bomb constantly, but it does seem to be trying to get BEYOND that. Does it succeed? Better give this a listen because no way are you going to put all the forward slashes in the right place to find it to watch. A third one “/” between the “S” and the “B”??? GTFO.

In this time of political strife candidates in their 70's are one thing, but septuagenarian sexual monster bad boy serial killers are quite another. In 2008's ‘Embodiment of Evil', Coffin Joe gets released from jail 40 years after the last film to find that the world might not be quite the place for an old man with gross monster finger nails. Has Joe still got the rizz, or is rizz not compatible with the continuation of blood? You'll find out, if you dare…

OctJOEber continues with Joe up to his ol' hijinks in 1967's “This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse”, moving him from Universal Monster territory to Hammer Horror territory. If you wondered what José Mojica Marins would do with a bigger budget and longer running time, wonder no longer. Torture dungeons, secret laboratories, hunchbacked assistants, scantily clad ladies, even more tarantulas, this ain't your daddies Coffin Joe!

OctJOEber begins with our introduction to that rapscallion Coffin Joe in 1964's 'At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul'. It's like a forgotten Universal Monster film, but with more beatings and Nietzschian philosophy. Start growing out your fingernails and get ready to continue your bloodline.

Take off yer 10-gallons and fill them with a bunch of paper scraps with horror movies written on them, ‘cause the boys done did a live roundup! Not RECORDED live mind you, but they did sit in the same room and watch 2024's ‘Abigail', 1987's ‘StageFright', and 2022's ‘Influencer', so that's kind of the same thing, right? Right? Also, NYC got Derek sick, so please take pity on him in this one.

If listening about an event that you did not attend is your bag, ho boy, do we have an episode for you! The gang discuss their experiences at Necronomicon 2024, plus talk a little Cuckoo and Alien: Romulus. New listeners, maybe start on another episode as this has more noodling around than your Nona making pasta.

You might think that 2023's ‘Loop Track' is time travel related with a name like that. You stupid fool, you've just given away that you're some kind of sci-fi nerd and are not correctly associating the titular term with hiking. How embarrassing for you. I recommend you listed to this episode immediately and learn how wrong you are, and also about the perils of hiking in New Zealand, something you have obviously never done. Shame. Shame. SHAME.

Get outta here Harryhausen, there's a new stop motioneer here, namely director Robert Morgan with his 2023 film ‘Stopmotion'. Forget about the California Raisins, Wallace & Gromit, and Yukon Cornelius, those are for last millennium's children. Kids these days like their stop motion like their chicken nuggets, gross and meaty, and this has meat for days. But is just having meaty puppets enough to make a film good, or does it also need things like believable characters and non-played out tropes?

Are you a lover of antiquated tedious methods of art making AND stories that are sold as being ghost filled but aren't? Boom, check out ‘The Mezzotint” by M.R. James, an author renowned for his ghost stories that don't actually feature ghosts. How do you get to be 'the ghost story guy' without writing about ghosts you ask? LISTEN AND FIND OUT.

Are you ready for our hottest and sweatiest episode yet with plenty of banging? You better be, because we are covering Karl Edward Wagner's “Where the Summer Ends”, and also the place next to JR's is under construction or something and there's a bit of hammering in the background for parts of the show. Listen along for the tale of THE VINE THAT ATE THE SOUTH.

A lot of people come to me and ask, “Where evil lurks?” or, “Why evil lurks?” or even, “How evil lurks?” Sometimes I even get a, “Who evil lurks?” Obviously the only correct question is, “When evil lurks?”, to which the answer is the 2023 Argentine film ‘Cuando Acecha la Maldad'. As for “What evil lurks?”, well, you'll have to listen to find out.

Are you an Evil Dead fan but think its biggest downside is not being Japanese enough? Good thing ‘Bloody Muscle Body Builder in Hell', a.k.a. 'The Japanese Evil Dead' exists. And you can watch it right now! And then listen to the boys talk about it! And then listen as they go off about ‘Late Night with the Devil' for half the episode!

You may not realize it in 2024, but there was once a time when people hadn't heard of Stephen King, and I'm not talking about the billions of years just prior to his birth. When he was an up-and-coming author he used to be hungry and wrote with an edge, something easily forgotten in the intervening 40+ years of writing. The boys discuss Night Shift and Skeleton Crew to examine the writings of this curious young man before he became America's spooky uncle.

New year, new roundup. Fall of the House of Usher, Suitable Flesh, Godzilla Minus One, Godzilla x Kong, Monarch, Destroy All Neighbors, Late Night With The Devil, Immaculate, Vivarium, The Menu, Alan Wake, Control, Alan Wake 2. SIX MONTHS OF THINGS REVIEWED.

After a long hiatus the boys are back, and have on their their their their their boogie shoes for the 2023 loosely-based-on-a-Stephen-King-story ‘The Boogeyman'. Is Mike Flanagan's ‘Absentia' too extreme for you? Here's the training wheels version of that to show your impressionable, Stranger Things loving teens. At least they changed the monster from the story to no longer moonlight as a therapist, because really, how is this thing going to be able to pull off a degree plus the hours of supervised post-master's work in the mental health counseling field? WE'RE CALLING YOU OUT STEPHEN KING.

Was Dean Koontz inspired to write 1989's ‘Midnight' based on ‘The Island of Doctor Moreau'? Does getting a goat testicle transplant increase vitality? Does Doctor Moreau deliver as good a dialogue on pleasure and pain as Pinhead? Does an Ox wave its tail when happy? Does Derek know any Green Day songs? All these questions, and more, in our coverage of the middle part of The Island of Doctor Moreau. No answers though.

Moreauvember continues with the gang's review of the first third of H.G. Wells' ‘The Island of Doctor Moreau'. Everyone focuses on the plight of the Beast Folk, but nobody dives into the sad life of Montgomery, who just wants to tell the sad story about how he got roped into this whole animal transformation business and nobody wants to hear it. Don't worry though, we do.

Fun fact: In the space of four years H.G. Wells wrote ‘The Time Machine', ‘The Invisible Man', ‘The Island of Doctor Moreau', and ‘The War of the Worlds'. Is there a greater four year grand slam than that? Tune in, Moreauvember begins now. Don't forget your beast folk.

Have we ever covered an animated film before? I honestly can't even remember after all these episodes. Anyhow, the gang watches 1997's ‘Perfect Blue', a.k.a., the movie you've probably seen shots copied from in most Darren Aronofsky films, the most comprehensive version of a Giallo, or, the anime you could use as a measure of the quality of the art to show your grandmother if her only conservative view was that she did not like anime and absolutely nothing else about sex or violence.

While certainly not an Armageddon/Deep Impact situation, 1998's ‘The Last Broadcast' is often lumped in, unfairly, as the mirror to The Blair Witch Project. This is much to its loss as it is certainly no Blair Witch, but also because it has a completely different flavor of “found footage” in its inclusion of cable access shows, MIRC logs, and true crime talking heads. That's right folks, MIRC logs, we're heading back to the mid-90's!

On the one hand we have JR missing the twist of 2019's ‘Body at Brighton Rock' so hard that it would be like not realizing Bruce Willis was dead after watching The 6th Sense, and on the other we have Derek confusing the production story of Predator (the script for which was originally titled ‘Hunter') with the 2003 film ‘The Hunted'. We both lose. Not to be outdone, you also lose. We don't even warn you about the Natural Park Zone of Death, major failure.

Are you looking for a film about little monsters laying siege to an Irish manor with all the “fun” of Straw Dogs but none of the humor of Gremlins? 2022's ‘Unwelcome' might just be the film for you! Worst case scenario you get a 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon crossover between The MCU, Game of Thrones, and Star Trek…

2022's ‘Soft & Quiet' may have hit theaters in exactly the way that its name implied, but that makes sense when its entire plot is best experienced knowing nothing about it ahead of time. It does introduce cinema's third most provocative pie (American Pie, #1, The Help, #2) so don't go in hungry. If you learn nothing from the marketing of ‘A Ghost Story', you got to play up the pie to get the people in seats.

Not to be confused with the 2022 TV series, the 2000 James Spader/Keanu Reeves film, nor the 1987 psychic dog vs. monster dog novel by Dean Koontz, no, this is the 2022 film about Maika Monroe being followed by a malicious force, but not the 2014 film about Maika Monroe being followed by a malicious force. Makes sense? Plus, more stories from JR's childhood that explain why he is like he is!

The boys wrap up children and evil holes month with a film that barely qualifies for having an evil hole, 2007's ‘The Orphanage'. Not to be confused with ‘The Devil's Backbone', this was the other movie about a Spanish orphanage that came out in the mid-2000s and had involvement from Guillermo del Toro in an odd Antz/Bug's Life, Dante's Peak/Volcano, Deep Impact/Armageddon symmetry. It also stars the adopted child of Pennywise and the Babadook, if you're up on that whole thing.

While mysterious holes are the #1 cause of evil children, #2 is mysterious pits, especially if they're full of monsters. 1981's horror-comedy ‘The Pit' gives you the trifecta of troglodytes, evil teddy bears, and snotty Canadian children who can't even be mean right. If you're not sold already, as an added bonus there's plenty of ‘The Littlest Hobo' talk as well.

Did you know that mysterious holes are the #1 cause of children turning evil? Doesn't matter if it was made by changelings, other Fae, aliens, bug monsters, or evil spirits, you have a kid, keep them clear of all mysterious holes. If only the adults in 2023's ‘There's Something Wrong With The Children' had listened to Derek and JR's parenting advice they might have learned a thing or two…

The Kevin Williamson series train reaches the end of the line with his newest film, the COVID horror movie ‘Sick'. Global pandemic not scary or personal enough? Throw in a little of that slasher magic to bring in on home for you. And of course a very special shout out to Aarman Touré as uncredited guy with pizza.

Another poster of just teenager's faces without any information about the film? Must be another 90's Kevin Williamson film! 1999's ‘Killing Mrs. Tingle', er, I mean ‘Teaching Mrs. Tingle', because maybe in the immediate aftermath of Columbine a movie names after killing a teacher was not the way to go and changing it to be more “educational” was “better”. Good thing that was the last school shooting America ever had and now we can refer to it by its original name…

The boys continue their Kevin Williamson retrospective (and movie posters only highlighting the faces of its actors with no implication as to what the film is about) with 1997's ‘The Faculty'. Does all that meta horror dialogue work as well when you replace it with meta sci-fi dialogue? Take a bump of caffeine pills and tune in to find out.

The boys dive into the oeuvre of writer Kevin Williamson, well, his non-Scream, non-TV, non-werewolf related oeuvre that is. 1997's ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer', is exactly what you'd expect from a 90's teen slasher, and the behind-the-scenes-at-Miramax grossness is also about what you'd expect. I guess the killer dressing in the vein of fishing Ernest P. Worrell was a new twist though…

The boys wrap up Pride Month with the film that inspired the Godsmack song ‘Voodoo', Wes Craven's 1988 Bill Pullman horror vehicle, ‘The Serpent and The Rainbow'. Where exactly does it fall on the voodoo cultural insensitivity spectrum between ‘Live and Let Die' and ‘Weekend at Bernie's 2'? You'll just have to listen to our 300th episode spectacular to find out.

If you thought that ‘Mandy' moved too fast for you, the boys cover another Panos Cosmatos film that might be more your speed. Despite what you may have heard, ‘Beyond the Black Rainbow' is not a sequel to last week's ‘Black Rainbow', and is probably closer in tone to ‘Reading Rainbow'. Indeed, you watch this one under the right circumstances (recommended) and those butterflies will truly be flying twice as high, but don't take a look at the mad doctor's book in this…

The boys begin Pride Month with the under seen 1989 Rosanna Arquette film ‘Black Rainbow'. Also, instead of patting yourself on the back and thinking you're doing good because you acknowledged something rainbowey this month, maybe actually go help some disenfranchised people? To apply this to the film, be a Tom Hulce, not a Jason Robards.

A stuffed animal, a Ghostface, a Dracula, Panama! In the final roundup of this NYC visit (which could not be contained to just one physical location) the boys talk 2019's 'Benny Loves You', 'Scream 6' and the franchise as a whole, and Nic Cage's return to not straight to streaming films in 'Renfield'. Opinions vary.

The boys CLICKBAIT REVIEW more MOVIES. JR goes VIRAL and FUMES about 2021's “Ultrasound”, leaving listeners speechless. Derek ABSOLUTELY DESTROYS 2021's “Let the Wrong One In”, but ABSOLUTELY LOVES its script. Lastly, you'll NEVER BELIEVE the NEWLY UNEARTHED bog men in 2022's “Moloch”, but they might MAKE YOU BOYCOTT it. 3 HOT TAKES on movies the directors don't want you to know about!

The boys are live and reviewing some old, some new, and then some other movie. For something old, not to be confused with Robert Downey Jr.'s star turning vehicle, 1989's Tetsuo The Iron Man gives those early David Lynch vibes with a dash of metal fetishry. The new is 2023's From Black, a film that is just daring the creative team behind A Dark Song to sue them for copyright infringement. Lastly the other, 2018's Incident in a Ghost Land, retells that classic Lovecraft story trope of following a trail of pee to solve a mystery… it's not worth a critical reexamination.

Bruce is on the loose, Bruce is on the loose! Live from NYC, the boys discuss the time Derek got to play a trivia game with his hero, and then the time they went and saw Evil Dead Rise. Hope you saved room to swallow your soul.