Love and Abuse

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A show to help you identify toxic communication, emotional abuse, manipulation and other forms of bad behavior in all of your relationships. Full of tips and advice for your friendships, family, love life and marriage. Don't get sucked into abusive communication. Empower yourself by learning to pi…

Paul Colaianni


    • May 27, 2025 LATEST EPISODE
    • every other week NEW EPISODES
    • 32m AVG DURATION
    • 145 EPISODES

    4.8 from 728 ratings Listeners of Love and Abuse that love the show mention: overwhelmed brain, emotionally abusive, emotional abuse, warning signs, red flags, abusive relationship, thank you paul, abuser, gaslighting, cheating, narcissistic, look back, came back, behavior, toxic, thank you for helping, marriage, lisa, physical, clarity.


    Ivy Insights

    The Love and Abuse podcast has been a life-changing resource for me. After being separated from my husband for three years, I felt lost and confused about what had happened and how to effectively communicate with him for the sake of our children. This podcast provided the missing piece I needed to understand how to change my language and approach in order to have more productive conversations with my ex. The host, Paul, brings a wealth of personal experience and wisdom to each episode, making it feel like a conversation with a trusted friend.

    One of the best aspects of this podcast is the depth of insight provided into abusive behaviors and dynamics. Paul covers a wide range of topics related to emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, and narcissism in a comprehensive yet relatable manner. His explanations are clear and easy to understand, making it easier for listeners to recognize these patterns in their own relationships. Additionally, his use of real-life examples and personal anecdotes adds authenticity and relatability to each episode.

    Another great aspect of this podcast is the calming and consistent tone that Paul brings to each episode. His soothing voice helps to ease anxieties and provides a sense of comfort during difficult times. Whether you're dealing with an abusive relationship or trying to avoid one altogether, his words offer guidance and support that can be immensely helpful.

    In terms of shortcomings, it's hard to find any major flaws in this podcast. Some listeners may find certain episodes repetitive if they've listened to multiple episodes on similar topics. However, repetition can be beneficial when it comes to ingraining new concepts or ideas into one's mind.

    Overall, The Love and Abuse podcast is an incredibly valuable resource for anyone navigating through or recovering from an abusive relationship. It offers practical advice, validation, and encouragement for those seeking healing and empowerment. I highly recommend giving it a listen if you're looking for support or understanding in your journey towards healthier relationships.

    [Note: The generated review includes feedback from multiple listeners.]



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    Latest episodes from Love and Abuse

    You being the center of their attention is most of the problem

    Play Episode Listen Later May 27, 2025 32:05


    What does it take for an abusive person to change? A whole lot (if they even want to change), but this one component of healing is often one of the hardest for them to stop. Their consistent focus on you can make their healing and change much more difficult, let alone having no time and space to heal yourself. 

    When someone wants to change who you are

    Play Episode Listen Later May 20, 2025 35:17


    The one-off difficulties in relationships are perfectly normal for everyone. They're not welcome, necessarily, but normal. But what happens when the "one-offs" become systemic? What happens when they are non-stop? That's when changes are inevitable.  

    The empty threats that keep the abuse cycle alive

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 30, 2025 32:46


    When they threaten to leave or take something away from you, but they never follow through, expect them to repeat that behavior indefinitely. Empty threats are effective on those who fear them coming true. There is a way to stop the empty threats (but you probably won't like it).

    Trying to figure out who the emotionally abusive person really is in the relationship

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 15, 2025 42:09


    You'd think it'd be easy to figure out: The hurtful one is the abusive one. But what happens when the victim gets convinced they are the abuser? Determining that while in the abuse cycle can sometimes be very difficult. However, I make it very clear in this episode. 

    When a relationship is not a relationship

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 26, 2025 25:22


    "Everything's great with me," they say, as you sit there staring, confused, wondering what the hell you're missing because you're having a completely different experience as them. When is a relationship not an actual relationship anymore? 

    Don't lock yourself into a worse situation

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 12, 2025 32:10


    When you get into an emotionally abusive relationship, you have no idea what you're walking into. When you figure it out, you might have to make some tough choices. One of those choices might lead to getting deeper into something you know is bad for you. 

    Why abusive people need to maintain power and control over you

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 21, 2025 42:40


    Some people just won't stop being hurtful. Why won't they stop? Are they just terrible people we have to accept and move on? Power and control is their M.O. and it's important you know why. For some there is hope. For others, well, it may take a lot more than hope to see change.  https://loveandabuse.com

    Those who hurt you have poor coping skills so give them a break... right?

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 5, 2025 44:23


    Hurt people hurt people, so we should have compassion when they hurt us, right? You know the answer and I know the answer. How does the person who is hurting you start to change and heal, though? Lots to unpack here. 

    The gradual shift from who you were to who you became in the emotionally abusive relationship

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 29, 2025 49:13


    The growing resentment that can build when their hurtful behaviors never end

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 8, 2025 48:04


    When someone keeps hurting you, you might blame yourself and think if you were only better, they'd stop. But as their hurtful behavior continues, resentment builds and you start questioning everything about yourself.

    Are you the reason someone is hurtful to you?

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 11, 2024 29:47


    What is the cause of mistreatment in a relationship? Do you think it's possible you are reason someone is hurting you or trying to change you? If so, you need to listen to this episode. There are many reasons this is happening, but...

    When someone destroys what makes you happy

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 26, 2024 26:51


    What do you do when someone shatters something that brought you joy? In this episode, I talk about understanding your limits in relationships and recognizing when resilience becomes a liability rather than a strength. It's important you know how to navigate toward making the right decisions for you and those you love.  

    What makes taking a break from the relationship work?

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 12, 2024 43:25


    Is there a path out of being stuck in the whirlwind of a toxic relationship? Maybe taking a step back and out of the situation a while will help you gain clarity and reconnect with yourself. What happens when you never get away from the toxicity, though? Can you ever get a clear mind? 

    When you can barely take care of yourself let alone give them what they want

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 20, 2024 40:47


    What if you're doing all you can to maintain your own health and well-being but you have someone in your life who a consistent drain on your mental and emotional health? Can you rebuild your energy or do you have to accept that it may never stop and you may have to make tougher choices about the relationship?

    When they shower you with love after they've done bad behavior

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 22, 2024 49:33


    How can you tell if your partner's affection is genuine or a manipulation tactic? Love bombing usually takes place at the beginning of a relationship to create a strong bond between an abusive person and their victim. But it can also be used to get away with bad behavior in long-term relationships as well. 

    When you decide enough is enough - the first step isn't the last

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 13, 2024 17:44


    The victim of abusive behavior will eventually reach their breaking point. In that moment, they finally feel like they can take their life back. But they may still not be out of the woods yet during the transition from victim to empowered. 

    What change really looks like when the emotional abuser heals

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 6, 2024 38:35


    The healed former emotional abuser looks a lot different than the person they used to be. If you've ever accepted a hurtful person back into your life after they said they've changed but notice after a short while that their old behaviors are creeping back in, you might have missed an important clue that they haven't changed at all. 

    Feeling discarded when they leave the relationship

    Play Episode Listen Later May 22, 2024 30:39


    Why does it seem so easy for some people to leave a relationship, get into another one, and act as if the one they were in didn't mean anything? If you've felt discarded and can't stop thinking about what you did wrong, this episode is a good reminder of everything you were doing right. 

    When the emotional abuser reaches back out after they've healed and changed

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 25, 2024 24:34


    When the emotional abuser apologizes and tries to make amends with their ex-partner after they've done a lot of personal growth and development, should they expect a response from their ex? Is that expecting too much? Or is it time for all to move on and start anew?

    Time with yourself is not only necessary, its required

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 15, 2024 28:47


    You give, you adapt, and you change who you are almost to your very core... to what end? When you are overly compassion to others, you might actually be taking away from yourself. This is as harmful to your mind as a lack of sleep is to your body. 

    Emotionally abusive behavior is also physically painful

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 27, 2024 19:31


    Victims of emotional abuse can experience physical pain from all the trauma, potentially leading to increased tolerance and resilience of harm. They can gradually lose their identity due to the abuser's actions, becoming a shell of their former selves. 

    The inner conflict of tough decisions

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 24, 2024 39:33


    What drives the important decisions in your life, fear or desire? In this episode I talk about a person's fear of visiting his father because of family that doesn't want him there. I also talk about how to start trusting again after someone betrays you... is there a path to wholeness after such an event? 

    When the good you do for them leads nowhere

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 22, 2024 22:00


    Some emotionally abusive people don't change, no matter how much the victim of their hurtful behavior changes for them. Is there ever a point where they will be the person you want them to be? Or does anything you do really matter at all? 

    A clever manipulation tactic that makes you believe you are the problem

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 2, 2024 23:01


    There's a clever manipulation that can happen in some emotionally abusive relationships. It starts with superficial kindness and vague promises and leads to blameshifting and avoiding true accountability. This very subtle form of gaslighting will drive you crazy. I'll share with you how to spot it. 

    When you think you're strong enough to get back into the difficult relationship

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 22, 2024 28:18


    When you reach your breaking point with someone, you might make the decision to leave. During that time, you can regain your confidence and feel your power again. You might even decide to give the relationship a second chance, knowing that if you see any warning signs, you can address them right away.  That is until you are once again coerced into staying in a situation that seems destined to go down the exact same path as before. Now what?  

    How emotional abuse can enter your life like an infection

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 14, 2024 25:27


    Sometimes, you can't see the red flags before you're hurt. Emotional abuse can be like an infection that enters your body. You may not know it's there until a lot of time has passed, and you've invested a lot into the relationship. In this episode, I share how emotional abuse acts like an infection entering your body and mind and help you understand the environment in which such an emotional infection thrives. 

    If you don't know your limits, you wont have any

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 5, 2024 32:44


    When they go silent and emotionally disconnect from you

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 29, 2023 35:25


    When the emotionally abusive person goes silent in order to make you feel guilty and give them the attention they want, do they have a deeper motive of self-preservation? When abusers use silence to control you, there's a lot going on under the hood. In this episode, I share my personal history of using the silent treatment to control the people I claimed to love. 

    Should you give in to their perception of you?

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 23, 2023 36:56


    Some people are so wrapped up in their need to control you that they completely overlook your worth and importance. They can be so busy keeping you focused on yourself and everything you're doing "wrong," that you might actually start to believe what they're saying about you. 

    Their past trauma and abuse isn't the immediate issue in the relationship

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 3, 2023 31:53


    The emotionally abusive person can have a traumatic past. They're abusive behaviors can have an abusive origin. Is it better to help them address their past to stop their behaviors toward you? It's an important question that you should definitely want to know the answer to. 

    How do you know when your heart is sealed?

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 27, 2023 16:28


    The victim of hurtful or emotionally abusive behavior has a threshold. When they reach that threshold, their heart can seal permanently, never letting the hurtful person back in again.  In this episode, I help identify when your heart is sealed permanently. Before that happens, there's always a chance to repair a relationship that's been damaged. After that, however, the relationship may never get another chance. 

    Is taking a break before breaking up the final blow to the relationship?

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 12, 2023 33:51


    The thought of breaking up or separating from a toxic person can be a difficult decision to make. But taking a break before a breakup can bring clarity and perspective in a problematic relationship, helping you rediscover something you lost and even help decide if you really want to make that difficult decision or take a different path. 

    How you describe the challenges in your relationship can reveal if youre being emotionally abused

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 6, 2023 13:15


    The language you use to describe your relationship and how you're getting along with the other person says a lot. If you've ever wondered if you are the hurtful one or they are, the words you use can reveal just what role you play in the dynamic of an emotionally abusive relationship. 

    Should you make a list of everything they're doing wrong and hand it to them?

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 18, 2023 37:15


    What would happen if you decided to write them a loving, supportive letter outlining all of their hurtful behaviors in hopes they'll read it and finally realize they need to change? Will it backfire on you? I talk about that in this episode.

    Avoid getting trapped into an emotional prison from which you can't escape

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 1, 2023 38:57


    The cycle of high ups and deep downs in a relationship is like being trapped in an emotional prison. There are moments of freedom and happiness, followed by a constant underlying fear or worry of being trapped again. The emotional prison is created by the manipulative and controlling behavior of the person who wants to keep the person in a disempowered state. This cycle of ups and downs often forms a trauma bond, where the person seeks love and support from the same person who is causing them emotional harm.

    What are the chances of an emotional abuser healing and the relationship surviving?

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 27, 2023 28:44


    Why they don't stop hurting you when they see you hurting

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 30, 2023 28:25


    Why do people who claim to care about us hurt us when they see that we're suffering? Shouldn't our suffering be enough for them to stop the behaviors? It's one of the most common questions I receive: If they really love me, why do they hurt me? 

    When parents get involved in your difficult relationship

    Play Episode Listen Later May 5, 2023 34:25


    Dealing with a hurtful person is often hard enough. When they have hurtful parents, however, it gets even harder. Especially when you thought you had a somewhat good relationship with them. When their parents can't see their own child being hurtful toward you, you may not get the compassion and support you're looking for. 

    Religious Abuse: When they use your beliefs and faith against you

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 31, 2023 20:41


    Your religious or spiritual beliefs are supposed to help uplift and inspire you, not make you feel oppressed and exhausted. Religious abuse happens when people who claim to love you use your own beliefs against you to keep their power over you. 

    When they believe they've changed

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 17, 2023 45:34


    I get messages from those who are with someone who claims to have changed, but something doesn't feel right to them. What they feel is usually accurate. There are specific thoughts and feelings inside you that can help you tell if someone has actually changed and healed from being emotionally abusive, or if they still have a ways to go. 

    LAA Insights - The kids in between the breakup from the toxic manipulative partner

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 2, 2023 23:10


    When you've realized enough is enough but you're afraid that the kids will get a boatload of abusive behavior from a soon to be ex, knowing what to expect and how to respond to what happens next is the key to trying to maintain the healthiest relationship with your children.

    The huge wall the emotional abuser puts up

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 24, 2023 39:09


    Why can't they just change? Why don't they just stop hurting you? Sometimes they've built such a huge wall of protection around themselves that nothing can penetrate it. They keep doing what they're doing because they don't want you to see what's behind the wall. It's too vulnerable, and it might require them to express a part of themselves they've hidden away all their life. 

    The battles that drain your power

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 22, 2022 55:26


    The emotionally abusive relationship can be a battle. In fact, it can be a series of battles that wear you down and eventually wear you out. But at what point are you so worn out that you do something different? Some toxic relationships last for decades and there is no end in sight. There's a point in time when something has to change, or nothing ever will. And that can be a hard pill to swallow. 

    What will it take to finally get them to stop?

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 7, 2022 32:48


    The person that hurts the one they love can do the behavior indefinitely unless someone is there to stop it. Usually, that someone has to be you. Stopping it however doesn't always come easy. Sometimes the person hurting you needs a wake-up call they can't ignore, shaking their foundation so much they have to pay attention.

    Is just functioning together good enough

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 2, 2022 19:52


    When you find yourself crawling back to them over and over again

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 2, 2022 41:37


    Why do we return to toxic people over and over again? It's certainly not because we love to suffer. But maybe there's more going on that should be considered. Sometimes knowing the reasons can help you stop the round trips back to someone that doesn't seem to care if you're happy or not. 

    LAA Insights - Learning what attracts the hurtful people

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 19, 2022 20:27


    Can low self-worth attract someone that makes you feel lower? Can people-pleasing attract a taker that never stops taking? There are many ways to become attracted to someone. But there are attractions that aren't always positive. It's important to know what about them makes them appealing when some qualities can be downright abusive.  LAA Insights is an addendum to the regular show that you'll find scattered in between full episodes. On Insights, I pick random emails that I haven't addressed yet and do my best to provide my insights and opinions. 

    LAA INSIGHTS - Is he right about me being the abuser?

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 6, 2022 12:07


    A special episode answering a question from someone who isn't sure if they are the abuser and if they need to work on their own abusive behavior, even though there are clear signs they are being abused as well.    LAA INSIGHTS is an addendum to the regular show that you'll find scattered in between full episodes. On INSIGHTS, I pick random emails that I haven't addressed yet and do my best to provide my insights and opinions. 

    Bonding with people that traumatize you

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 4, 2022 39:28


    Becoming dependent on someone can put you at their mercy sometimes. And if they are toxic, you are not only now dependent on them for certain things, but they make sure you continue to depend on them so you never get your wants and needs filled completely. It's like a bag of chips... you can never eat just one. You know they're bad for you, but you keep coming back. I talk about our dependencies in this episode and how they can create hard-to-break trauma bonds. 

    Can depression be used for manipulation?

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 20, 2022 30:49


    There can be some good excuses for hurtful behavior. With some excuses, it can be hard to differentiate between fact and fiction.  When someone uses their condition or illness to manipulate or control you, it can make it that much more difficult to get out from under their spell. 

    The abuser that sneaks their way into your heart and life in order to lock you in to a controlling relationship

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 10, 2022 48:12


    Some abusive people know exactly how to lock you into the relationship so tight that you find it near impossible to get out of it. When that happens, the longer you wait, the worse it gets. No matter how deep you are, you need to do something right away unless you want to continue down a road that never ends.

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