The musings of two dudes who have absorbed too much pop culture for their own good and just don't care anymore. Decency? Not here. Respect? Out the window. Finding out what happens when cereal mascots turn to mass murder? Oh, yes — Let the weird begin.
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, we STILL haven't learned to be careful what we wish for, and for our infernal transgressions, we're thrown into the slammer! Wait, who's our cellmate? THE DJINN!? Wow, this is awkward. Guess they finally got your ass for tax evasion. But, hey, as long as we have this ancient demonic genie here, we might as well watch his simultaneously delightful yet disappointing sequel, WISHMASTER 2: EVIL NEVER DIES! Come for all the B-Horror splendor, but stay to watch a movie monster briefly run a Russian crime syndicate. Avoid any and all ironic wish granting by downloading the commentary now! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In this special edition of Pulp Commentary, the pen truly is mightier than the sword! Mostly due to a Satan infestation. Once again, on this holiday of torment and MURDER, we take in the questionable franchising of an already existing franchise, by visiting everyone's favorite antique shop that has no right being in business. The tradition bleeds on, as we watch episode two of FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES (AKA Friday's Curse)! Watch out for sneaky monks by downloading the commentary here! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, we learn to be careful what we wish for. What did we wish for, you may ask? Pizza. Mostly pizza. But the demonic Djinn did us dirty by instead turning US into pizza, aaaaaaaaah. So, we ate ourselves to DEATH. And that was a long winded way to a Spaceballs reference in this description for a WISHMASTER commentary. You're welcome. But anyway, rub that lamp and get ready for a who's who of horror actor cameos, because we're taking in this lost 90s gem! Wish to download the commentary? Click here! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In this special edition of Pulp Commentary, our usual machete laden tradition is eschewed temporarily into an excursion into some franchise expansion! Gone are horny teens, buckets of blood, and an undead momma's boy wearing a hockey mask. Instead, we got ourselves... an antique shop! Oh, yes, may GOD have mercy on all your souls, as we check out the haunted items found in the first episode of the 80s In Name Only cash-in (underrated as it may be), FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE SERIES! Inherit your own demonic antique shop by downloading the commentary here! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In this special-ish edition of Pulp Commentary, it's been seven installments since the night HE came home... and the eighth is easily the one night HE would rather forget, along with the rest of us. While everyone's entitled to one good scare, the particular horror of sitting through this movie takes things a step too far with Mike, MB, and Hero as they fire up their 2002-era webcams to watch, witness, and text the slow message of death at a beloved horror icon in the saddest possible end of a long-running series. Yell trick or treat at some mothers, because we're subjecting ourselves to HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION. Avoid the swift roundhouse kick of a 90's rapper by downloading the commentary here! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In this special edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys return to the beginning. You see, there's all the usual suspects: sack heads, hockey masks, Mrs. Voorhees', copious amounts of machete action, and... America Olivo's boobs? Waitaminute, that's different! Appreciated, but different. It's remake time, folks! So, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE THIS JASON AIN'T SCREWING AROUND. But more importantly, settle on down to the camp fire of an operating Crystal Lake, and for god sake help out that Winchester brother - he needs places to hang his fliers! - all by joining us this ultra special October Variant of the unlucky holiday, as we wind down our blood thirsty tradition with the Marcus Nispel directed reboot merely titled: FRIDAY THE 13TH. Uncover the hidden gold within Jason's various tunnels by downloading the commentary here! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, we're not the vindicators, or the victimizers, or the vaporizers, or the vibrators, we're the... COMMENTATORS! So, slip on your slinky suits of necro-goo, Pulpers, and wrap that not at all real cape around you, because Martin Sheen sent us to HELL, and we're here to return the favor by watching what I dub thee a seminal work of 90s superhero action romp sleaze -- SPAWN! S to the P to the A to the AWN, S to the P to the A to the AWN. Go, Spawnie! See us at Wanda's by downloading the commentary here! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys unfreeze themselves in the far flung spaced out future of 2002 -- which looks suspiciously like the late 90s aesthetically, but neither here nor there. In this STRANGE future time, we know not what terrifying cheapness awaits us around the same corner being re-used over and over! But the most alarming aspect of this time-space, is that all the calendars are stuck on one single solitary date... FRIDAY THE 13TH. And that means only one thing: even in the future we can't escape podcasting obligations! Without any 80s sexyness to save us, surrounded by annoying early 2000s character types featuring the cast of Andromeda, AND the faint pounding vocals of "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" inching ever closer... we have no choice but to let the NANO MACHINES turn us Uber! So, we can record this UBERCOMMENTARY for JASON X. It's okay, guys, he just wants his machete back. Re-enter the atmosphere and die HISTORIC like Jason, by downloading the commentary here. Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, it 'twas the night before Pulpmas, and all Mike could think was how David Cronenberg's The Fly nearly drove him to drink! It's that special time of year again, as the boys audibly roast chestnuts on an open fire and talk about the true spirit of the season: discussing both the heartwarming and horrific Christmas gifts of the past while watching the 1983 classic A CHRISTMAS STORY. Does a legless Beast still have genitalia? How did Spider-Man save one future host's Christmas while damning another? When does one idle joke manage to create the single greatest alternate universe of all time? And will Mike, MB, or James ever actually talk about the movie they're watching? Santa knows, but he's not telling. Not while it's still Nuclear Winter. Shoot your eye out as much as you'd like by downloading the commentary here! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In this special edition of Pulp Commentary, it's been 20 years since the night HE came home (and I'm pretty sure since our first commentary). But the twilight of Samhain is once again falling, and a new player has entered the game that conjures the EVIL back from it's slumber: Josh Hartnett. We're disappointed that Michael didn't just want LL Cool J's autograph, as well. Our Shatner faces slide back on (this time CGI!), and our kitchen knives sit at the ready, because it's mano-a-mano versus a ticked off Jamie Lee Curtis, as we continue the tradition with HALLOWEEN H20: 20 YEARS LATER. Secretly get retconned out of having your head chopped off by downloading the commentary here! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, we are IN the Deadlights now! 30 years later, the boys of Pulp Nightmare are returning to their childhood town to finish what they started when they were but children of the 90s! Carrying a bucket of battery acid and a belief in the tooth fairy (and some trusty anti-clown gear they had laying around), they head into the caverns of Maine with only one purpose... record the longest commentary of their lives. Oh, and you're coming with us! So, arm yourselves with imagination slingshots, avoid Belch wielding greasers, and yell "HI-HO SILVER, AWAY!" Because we are ALL floating tonight, baby! We're FINALLY watching the TV movie event of the 90s... STEPHEN KING'S... IT. It's like it was always meant to be a Pulp Commentary. You'll be wise, very wise indeed, by downloading IT right here! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys celebrate the entirely too talked about death of Jason Voorhees by taking a nice trip down to ole' Camp Crystal Lake for some nice wholesome skinny-dipping fun. But just when they thought it was safe to go back in the pussy... they hear the sound they've been dreading all this time. The oncoming footsteps of a black man! Wait, that came out wrong. It's a body-hopping adventure of underwhelming proportions, as this Friday the 13th, the camp-crazy cast of Pulp Nightmare are made to sit down and bear witness to the most trying installment of the series yet - JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY. You know why this commentary's gonna stick with you? Because you're getting a taste of the Duke! And how about a taste of Jason's delicious heart too? Then download the commentary here to chow down! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
"Get in the car... or I'll tell 'em you're Jewish." - Nathan Lane to John Travolta The Juice is finally loose! But can that really be considered a spoiler? Regardless, it's curtain call for PULPWATCH 1994, as the boys of Pulp Nightmare bid goodbye to a television show that they're somewhat confused even existed - American Crime Story: The People V OJ Simpson. But is there a twist ending where history radically diverges, aliens descend from the skies and attack, and the only man who can lead humanity towards the fleeting hope of survival is A.C.? God, we wish. Instead, we're treated to a series of plot-lines wrapped up in the most puzzling of ways, the arrival of a surprise dog that appears for... reasons, and multiple - really, too many - proposed murders for Judge Lance Ito. But there are so many questions left! Whatever became of that Nazi medal? Was it sold on the black market? And what about that romance left danging between Marcia Clark and the black man she continually mistreated? And finally, is Robert Shapiro truly the Devil incarnate? Is he the sinister mastermind who killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman, framing O.J. Simpson for a crime he did not in fact commit? Well, listen in, and maybe you'll be surprised. We sure weren't. Feel the sweet taste of freedom right along with OJ by downloading the episode here! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
"PRESSURE?!" - Robert Shapiro The trial of the century mercifully, thankfully starts winding down as the boys of Pulp Nightmare are brought to their absolute limit of endurance in the penultimate installment of PULPWATCH 1994. Your honor, we'd like the Nazi to take the stand. What's that? He said something about Judge Ito's wife? Stop the damn trial! Oh wait, he's stepping down? Trial is back on! Wait, he's inexplicably back? We don't know anymore. But the important question remains: Will Travolta be able to keep his unrelenting fury over the possibility of riots in the streets in check? And why does Cochran seem to want to incite one? Wait, why was THAT the ending?! You know what, AMERICAN CRIME STORY: THE PEOPLE V OJ SIMPSON, we don't know anymore. We just don't. The Juice is loose! Download the episode here to escape! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys decide that they've had enough of civilization for one weekend and go off to the woods in celebration of the life of a dear friend who's no longer with us - that friend being Stephen King's sanity. But once they settle in, they discover that something's quite amiss; Worm eggs sit precariously across the ground, ready to be hatched, horrible, unconvincing CGI wildlife roams the countryside, the corpse of Lawrence Kasdan's dignity is slumped over a toilet, and... is something moving under there?! Oh yes. We're going there. Going to a world in which The Punisher, Agent 47, Brodie Bruce, Morgan Freeman's eyebrows, and that guy who really should be a bigger deal than he is, are terrorized by the unseen - the staggeringly incomprehensible. A world as viewed by a man on a hell of a lot of painkillers. We've got some work to do now, because this is the 2003 box office bomb known as DREAMCATCHER. We Duddits. Answer that ringing gun and save the world from Ellen Ripley by downloading the commentary now! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
"Next question!" - Cuba Gooding Jr. as OJ Simpson You know, George, we've been thinking. Maybe it's time to do this PULPWATCH 1994 thing right. On a very special eighth installment of the ten-part series, FX's AMERICAN CRIME STORY: THE PEOPLE V. OJ SIMPSON, the boys of Pulp Nightmare sub out a usual guest for a very special guest who gives them the inside track on what really happened behind the scenes of the show - granting us a rare interview, series star and recovering Hollywood actor, Cuba Gooding Jr. as OJ Simpson! What secrets does Mr. Gooding Jr. As OJ Simpson spill exclusively for us, if any? How did he meet series creator and show-runner Ryan Murphy? What does he remember of working with John Singleton? Why is John Travolta the evilest man he's ever met? And whose skin is as "smooth as silk"? Also, we barely talk about the actual episode. You have to understand. He had to sign a lot of NDAs. Escape the murderous gloved claws of OJ by downloading the episode here! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
"Why you be half-steppin'?" Objection! Your honor, we'd like to call American Crime Story: The People v OJ Simpson to the stand. That's right, it's another edition of PULPWATCH 1994, and the boys of Pulp Nightmare discover that this episode may be the most factually inaccurate to date! From Marcia Clark's lust for a sexy black co-worker to the subsequent trial endangerment of the prosecution, to Robert Shapiro's ultimate moment of super-villainy and David Schwimmer's post-career breakdown that even the show doesn't show, it all culminates in the shocking - not to mention ridiculous - recreation of the fateful moment of the entire trial: that god damned glove. Will it fit? Must we acquit? Of course not, but the revisionist history going on makes us sad. Come on, Judge Ito, you can still make things right! You can still make it more of a circus! The Juice is loose! Download the episode here to escape! Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
In which the boys unexpectedly break from the norm and read aloud the tales of the unaccountable... of another! Following a headline making arrest of a certified crazy man, who we should remind you is one hundred percent certifiably crazy, Mike delves deep into the psyche of a conspiracy that spans even deeper than he himself initially thought - much to the horror of his awestruck co-hosts! It all began [REDACTED], on a summer [REDACTED] in the middle of [REDACTED], when a [REDACTED] got [REDACTED] by a group of [REDACTED] and their [REDACTED] in the middle of a [REDACTED]. But wait, there's more! The eyes of evil look upon us all, as we realize we are not alone. [REDACTED] exists! And there's proof of [REDACTED]! They hide beneath the surface of [REDACTED]! And President [REDACTED] knows about it, too! I know, it's insane to contemplate, but hear us out! Join us in a mind-melding [REDACTED] of pure unadulterated pleasure as [REDACTED] fondles your [REDACTED] for the purpose of [REDACTED], here on Pulp Nightmare - where the crazy come to conglomerate their ideas of [REDACTED]! We're sorry. He doesn't love you. #LizardTruth Download this [REDACTED] here, if you dare. Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/ Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674 Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr
"'Cause I'm for real! Hear me? I'm The Juice!" Know what this is? This is The FX's tombstone, because we've already planned it's funeral. In yet another edition of outrage, madness, and inexplicable confusion, the boys of Pulp Nightmare engage the medium of television for the sixth installment PULPWATCH 1994, trying to decipher the incoherent messages of AMERICAN CRIME STORY: THE PEOPLE V OJ SIMPSON. And between a credit sequence that just won't appear, a love story that doesn't seem to be a love story, racism and sexism interwoven together in such a way that it's practically a new level of offensive, and the single most perplexing use of Seal's "Kiss From A Rose" ever attempted, the PN alumni sure as hell have their hands full. Why was there so much dancing? Why was the Nazi presented to look sane? What in God's name is Ryan Murphy doing with the camera? Is it drunk?! The answers will never come. They just won't. Escape the murderous gloved claws of OJ by downloading the episode here!
"JUDAS!" - Robert Shapiro We're not trying to be respectful about this podcast, we're trying to win! It's that time again, as an acclaimed director steps into the seat of FX's AMERICAN CRIME STORY: THE PEOPLE V OJ SIMPSON. Listen in as the boys of Pulp Nightmare discover what happens as betrayal rocks the trial of the century from both sides and tensions flare up, sparking a surprise exit on behalf of historical inaccuracy, Johnnie Cochran's super villain plot to end all super villain plots, the most one-sided feud over whether or not a man can be able to sit on a bench, and the single most shocking - and hilarious - ending in television history. PULPWATCH 1994 continues on, but will the collective sanity of Mike, MB, and Hero remain intact? Only [Armless Tiger Man] knows! The Juice is loose! Download the episode here to escape!
"Lesbian sex, 197!" The Trial of the Century begins - slowly and shallowly - as Pulp Nightmare sits through yet another trying chapter of America's sleaziest show currently on television, AMERICAN CRIME STORY: THE PEOPLE V OJ SIMPSON. And this one's full of everything the boys have grown to hate, from camera work that induces outright nausea to the frustrating lack of anyone involved with the show doing what Johnnie Cochran asks: Choosing a side! But before we're all treated to dark, tan, and Hawaiian Travolta, hear the live reactions to such oddities as O.J. Simpson's memory palace, Marcia Clark's refusal to ever be competent, the most surprisingly overacted outburst yet, and the continued racism of Mark Waid from Earth 2. Juice, you gotta help us... We don't think we can sit through this one too much longer. Escape the murderous gloved claws of OJ by downloading the episode here!
"He'll never stop being The Juice!" Uncle Juice is not black, he's OJ! And with one of their own enjoying a fresh glass of OJ, the boys of Pulp Nightmare continue their live trek through the long, drawn-out true life story fictionalized in continually tasteless fashion that is the FX's AMERICAN CRIME STORY: THE PEOPLE V. OJ SIMPSON. And Episode 3, The Dream Team, gives us answers to all important questions while simultaneously telling us nothing at all. Why does Marcia Clark seemingly never seem to stop smoking cigarettes? We don't know. When was Kato Kalein ever considered famous? Never explained. Who convinced Nathan Lane that joining this show was ever a good idea? We only have our assumptions. In perhaps the most boring showcase of this real life murder re-sensationalized for prime time cable, we do however learn the true origins of the Kardashian empire. And that has to count for something. Right? Give a listen as PULP WATCH 1994 continues. The Juice is loose! Download the episode here to escape!
"Everything Is Terrible!" - A.C. Cowlings The Juice Is Loose! And going about 20 miles per hour. For the second installment of the critically acclaimed drama (seriously?) that details the fall of one of the bit players from the Naked Gun movies, the boys of Pulp Nightmare are digging deep and searching for answers where the early 1990's Los Angeles Police Department wouldn't. Like what Kato Kalelin is even doing here when he's clearly confused, how Robert Shapiro's super villain schemes extend to menacing the X-Men, when did David Schwimmer manage to get steady work playing an Armenian, whether or not Theo Huxtable ever managed to stop for food, and why, oh why is there just so much goddamn pizza? It's The Bronco-Heavy Episode 2 of American Crime Story: The People V. OJ Simpson, "The Run Of His Life". Listen all y'all, it's a sabotage. Escape the murderous claws of OJ by downloading the episode here!
If the glove doesn't fit, Pulp Nightmare must acquit! Listen in as Mike, MB, and Hero travel back in time to the early 1990's, a world of seedy pizza endorsements, celebrity making schlock, and a real life murder mystery that captivated the nation. But was The Juice really a murderer all along? Well yes, but that's beside the point. What is the REAL American Crime? Kato Kaelin's modern day doppelganger? The origins of The Kardashian Empire? John Travolta's complete lack of facial movement? Only The FX knows. Join the boys for the ultimate tale of the unaccountable as they live watch the premiere of AMERICAN CRIME STORY: THE PEOPLE V. O.J. SIMPSON. The Juice is loose! Download the episode here to escape!
In which Hero gives the boys The Gift of The Zombi... Download this Tale Of The Unreturnable here, if you dare
A Long Time Ago On a Podcast Far, Far, Away... Everything has transpired as they have foreseen it. Having harnessed their podcasting skills through the power of the Force, Mike, MB, and Hero have become Jedi Knights like their fathers before them, launching Pulp Commentary on one final adventure; at first bringing them face-to-face with the most villainous slug in the galaxy, bearing witness to the sheer humanity of one Rancor trainer, and pulling off the most ludicrous stunts since Boba Fett's dive into the Sarlaac Pit. But now, they face the full power of a fully armed and fully operational battle station! So many questions remain unanswered as they journey into the final piece of the original trilogy, STAR WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI! Will Mike ever admit his true feelings to that sister he doesn't have? Will MB finally be able to come to terms with being more machine than man now? And will Hero be able to narrowly escape certain death when he's told, in no uncertain terms that... IT'S A TRAP?! Find out, but prepare for Ewoks! For the love of God, prepare for Ewoks! Use the Force to download the commentary, right here.
A Long Time Ago On a Podcast Far, Far, Away... It is a dark time for Pulp Commentary. Like something out of a dream, the Pulp Podcasters make their return to that galaxy torn asunder by civil war and Interplanetary Nazis! While huffing the warm organ steam of a dead cosmic camel, they trip out and start taking orders from a weird apparition, setting them on course for The Dagobah System! Join the Rebel allies Mike, MB, and Hero once again as they begin their adventure mauled by an abominable snowman, trudge through swamp planets in a vain attempt to lift spaceships with their mind, barely escape from a cave that is definitely no cave, and find themselves entertained by the company of... Space Billy Dee Williams? This deal is getting worse all the time! The force is with young Pulp Commentary, but they are not Jedi yet... not until they sit down to watch part 2 of the epic trilogy, STAR WARS EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. They're not afraid, but they will be. They... will be... Use the Force to download the commentary, right here.
A Long Time Ago On a Podcast Far, Far, Away... Three humanoids (Mike, MB, and Hero) are under fire aboard a Rebel ship carrying the long-lost data plans for the theatrical cuts of the original STAR WARS trilogy. Narrowly escaping the clutches of a dark lord who found their lack of faith disturbing, the ragtag group find themselves up to their necks in sand people before running afoul of a crazy old wizard who teaches them the ways of The Force. Ending up on a ship piloted by a scruffy-looking nerf herder and his walking carpet of a co-pilot, our heroes discover that is, in fact, no moon. The circle is now complete as Pulp Commentary ventures into a special event, inexplicably left in charge of a fleet of X-Wings while watching the first part of the epic trilogy, STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE. They've just taken their first step into a much larger world... Use the Force to download the commentary, right here.
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys climb aboard a cruise ship, their destination: The Big Apple. But something is amiss... something is wrong. To the left of them... 80s stereotypes. To the right... more 80s stereotypes. With a drop in their gut, they rush to a nearby calendar. Yes, it's what they feared. Once again, the evilest of dates have come around. As the ship sets sail before they have a chance to get away, they can only grab some hockey masks of their own and join in on the fun. Say Bon Voyage, folks, because we're sailing to HELL, AKA New York, New York, and the in-cruise movie you're joining us to watch is: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN. Least he'll fit in. If you want to try your damnedest by boxing ole' Jason Voorhees, download the commentary right here.
In this special edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys don their cult robes, and grab a butcher's knife, because it's that time of the year again, and they're about to take their most incomprehensible trip to Haddonfield yet! Black magic! Genetic engineering! Paul Rudd! Not the first time these three ingredients have been put together, and this won't be the last! Well, actually, it kind of will be, but in more of a semantical kind of way. Put your Shatner faces on, folks, and ring our door bell, we're inviting you in this Hallow's Eve as we continue our deadly tradition. We're watching: HALLOWEEN 6: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS. Save us, Ant-Man! Quick! Don't join The Cult of Thorn by downloading the commentary here!
DESCRIPTION: Anthology episode of the podcast designate "Pulp Nightmare", in which the humans relinquish their hosting duties to an artificial arbiter of puzzles and their inevitable solutions. QUESTIONS: What is the terrible, secular secret of "The Devil's Night"? How will one host survive the festive depravity of "The Wicker Schnitzel"? Can an organic lifeform calculate the improbability of "Pool Cue Of The Year"? And what do a shipping crate, norse mythology, and the Phantom of The Opera have to do with "Hot Crackers"? ANSWER: Step inside the doors of The Pulp Gallery, and find out. AWAITING ENTRANCE TO PULP GALLERY... Download this Tale Of The Unaccountable here, if you dare, humans.
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, WE HAVE THE POWERRRR... but not a lot of money. So, half of this commentary takes place on earth, inexplicably. But, utilizing our Casio keyboard to assist Dolph Lundgren as He-Man in battling Frank Langella as Skeletor (a credit that never ceases to be fun to say) we still manage to save the cosmos from evil! So, to Eternia, dear listeners! For we're watching Cannon Films' MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE! Claim the power of Greyskull for your own private use by downloading this commentary here.
In which the boys kick back and take it easy, discussing life, location, and racism involving ninjas. But their laid back approach is interrupted by a mysterious hooded figure from another dimension whose sole existence subsists of tormenting one man who made the mistake of summoning the evil spirit years prior! It's bloody, it's horrible, and nothing will ever be the same once you encounter the nightmare of the one known only as 'He Who Drops Meat On The Street'. Speaking of demon summonings and the apocalypse! Download this Tale of The Unaccountable here, if you dare.
On a strange and enlightening journey through an island of sugary treated horrors, the boys respond to a real life tragedy by waxing poetically about the human condition, the true morality of man, where we lie on the food chain, and what lengths one government will go to in order to stifle the robot menace once and for all. God damn you, you amazing Chocolatier. God damn you and your science gone awry! Download this Tale Of The Unaccountable right here, if you dare.
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, it's X-Mas in July! And the boys... you know what, no. We're not even going to do it this time. This movie has taken things too far. Santa Claus has claimed too many lives for these injustices to go on! Kids, don't enable this... this red suited MONSTER to keep annually invading your lives with promises of toys! It's not worth it! Why, you ask? Well, he's a killer! And by that we mean a killer of cinema! Witness, for the first time, a movie so bad that it breaks the mold. The movie that nearly KILLED Pulp Commentary. We're of course talking about the Holiday slasher that somehow spawned five sequels and a remake: Silent Night, Deadly Night. Please, punish it. PUNISH! To hear a fist hand unfiltered account of what a mixture of bad cinema and jingle bell rockin' terror does to one's mind, download this here and now! But don't say we didn't warn you. Ho. Ho. HO.
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, we enter a seedy underground world, where the competition is fierce, and those who lose have their lives ripped away from them, drifting into shameful obscurity like embers flaking in wind. A coin slides into a slot, a machine flickers to life, 8-bit sounds jingle in a cacophony of whimsy. An ape stands tall at the top of the screen. But the real enemy for Mr. Steve Wiebe is not the ape. But an evil far more devious, far more cunning. One who will stop at nothing to knock the poor teacher down from the mountain he has spent his life climbing. The bearded menace wrapped in the red, white, and blue; the self proclaimed barbeque GOD, the fuhrer of high scores... Billy Mitchell. He. Must. Be. Stopped. Is The Wiebe the man for the job? Who will be The King of Kong!? Insert 25 cents here to play and find out.
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, we take an uncomfortably close look at the depraved depths a pure evil soul reaches -- an evil the likes of which humanity has never seen before, and GOD WILLING WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN. Not outside of the 80s, at least. Her domain. Her CELESTIAL TIME PRISON. And if we have anything to say about it, it'll stay that way; Locked away where no man, woman, or child dare tread in this age! Our only regret, is for the rest of eternity she may continue to torment and haunt her victims, those innocent stereotypes of the 80s whose only crime was rolling their sleeves up too high. Yet, to each and everyone one of you, know your sacrifice is not in vain, for the lives of 90s and 2000s stereotypes have gone long untouched by her grisly wishes! But come with us, dear listener, as we gaze into our crystal ball at that unholy place called the 1980s, and see her tale unfurl like a snapping coil of hellfire. Tonight we are watching TEEN WITCH. Sometimes, winning is the greatest magic of all. Download this Commentary here before Teen Witch wishes the truth away!
In which the boys take things in a slightly different direction - a direction involving the non-stop winding fury of GAMES! Listen in as Mike, MB, and Hero enjoy themselves for once by playing a not-at-all-new spin on the popular Cards Against Humanity, which leads them into finding out just what you'd trade a pack of cigarettes for, where you don't want to find either Sean Connery or Pac-Man, the wonders of The Orient, a strange sequence of cards that seem to be linked together, and how a scenario involving President Obama momentarily puts MB towards the path to victory. "Jafar"... A thank you to CardsAgainstOriginality.com
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, our brains melt out our ears and we experience offensive B.S. the likes of which we've never seen before, as we enter a magical realm that exists only in the minds of these insane filmmakers. So, join us -- we guess -- because we're watching the bizarre propaganda film: GOD'S NOT DEAD. He totally is though, don't let the title fool you. Now, go and text everyone you know that 'Pulp's Not Dead!' (Also, head on over to our sister show Below The Bible Belt and listen to their DUELING COMMENTARY for God's Not Dead. Yes, we're giving you permission to cheat on us, but only as sloppy seconds)
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, flesh crawls, blood curdles... and Phibes LIVES. Just when you thought the horrendous and complicated acts of murder/revenge were over... the coffin is open, and more shall pay! Join us as we go somewhere over the rainbow to watch: DR. PHIBES RISES AGAIN!
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, you gotta look out for flying TVs just as much as slashing machete's, because not only is everyone's favorite hockey mask wearing killer back from the grave(again) but HE HAS MET HIS MATCH. Well, sorta. He does get a couch thrown at him. It's Supernatural Entity of Pure Anti-Sex Evil vs Teenage Girl Who Can Hurl Random Crap Around With Her Mind! The Rumble At Crystal Lake! The Showdown! The Battle of... Something-Something! So, come on and do the Jason Walk with us, because we're back at camp for FRIDAY THE 13TH PART SEVEN: THE NEW BLOOD.
A loose-cannon cop with nothing to lose (Christopher Lambert, Highlander) finds himself on the outskirts of a crime-ridden Detroit ruled by magical fairy-people and vile orcs, under the dominion of a power-mad crime boss known as The Mage. Can he cope with his post-traumatic stress of losing both his partner, and his wife and child in separate incidents long enough to save the Princess? Find out, in this 1988 adventure romp which also stars Gene Simmons, Heather Locklear, Bobcat Goldthwait, Donald Pleasence, David Bowie, and a special appearance by André the Giant as "The Dragon". "✯ ✯ ✯ ! Made absolutely no sense, but I loved it!" - Peter Travers, Rolling Stone Magazine
In which the boys and Hero really regret this episode. "Listen" as the "trio" are "disturbed" to the point of "insanity" by events that unfold in the dark recesses of the mind of a man made of beans, childhood icons are taken to task for their debauched behavior, and a fetishism is taken to such an extreme that even Swamp Thing is horrified. Kakarot! Greatest of Saiyans! Where are you when we need you?! WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT DETAILED. Seriously. Censored for the most part, but heads up.
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, just when we thought it was safe to crank-up 80s rock and skinny dip... the series gets a defibrillator shock from HELL. One convenient lightning strike reminds us that nothing this evil (or marketable) ever dies -- and this time, Mrs. Voorhees' baby boy is DONE screwing around. Will a sexy hero be able to triumph over the now zombified killing machine? Will Tommy Jarvis finally quell his nightmares? Will this be the only legitimately well made film in the entire franchise? Join us, and (maybe) find out... because he's back, The Man Behind the Mask, IN... FRIDAY THE 13TH PART SIX: JASON LIVES. I'll get the body bags.
In which the boys find themselves betrayed at every corner and fall victim to an unrelenting curse! Listen as alliances are forged and then immediately broken in a mad quest for power; witness the fall of the House of Pulp, one-by-one, at the hands of a cash-suited psychopath who can't stop doing calculations. Bring the Gold Helicopters lower! Bring them lower!
In this special x-mas edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys now have a machine gun, ho ho ho. So, start knowing what a TV dinner feels like, bubby! We're your commentating white knights! Not even shards of glass in our feet can stop us from soldiering on through Nakatomi Plaza, and all forty stories of adventure it holds; because despite losing 25% of the hostages in the process, we're watching DIE HARD. We read about it in Time magazine.
In this edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys make the most important decision of their collective lives -- they get their asses to MARS. So, hop into a Johnny Cab and unleash the Kuato within you, because we're not only giving them air, but we're watching Paul Verhoeven's sci-fi classic... TOTAL RECALL. We can commentate it for you wholesale.
In which Sheriff Mike and One-Legged MB hit somebody with their car, throw somebody down an elevator shaft, and find Bob's severed leg. Also, Beth dies. But don't worry about that. After carrying the song bird's lifeless corpse out to be set ablaze like she's Darth Vader, they watch Maggie roast marshmallows over it and discuss "Coda," the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead.
In which the boys, once again joined by Hero, return to an old classic - MB's Newsdesk! And unfortunately so, because it details a real life tragedy that is mocked relentlessly and without class. Which mysterious foe of Pulp Days Past returns to taunt the trio? Only the Equestrians know, and they're too busy playing poor to care. He was sober that night! Really, he said he was! Don't you check the facts, America!
In which Sheriff Mike and One-Legged MB hail Hydra! But despite continuing to swear their allegiance to The Red Skull, even in the zombie apocalypse, they still manage to discuss "Crossed," the newest episode of The Walking Dead.
In which Sheriff Mike and One-Legged MB don't even know what to think some days. But as they wander from place to place, they discuss "Consumed," the newest episode of The Walking Dead.
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