Sex Help for Smart People

You've heard it a thousand times: "keep the spark alive, get back to how it used to be, recreate that honeymoon phase magic." But what if that's the wrong goal entirely?Here's what nobody tells you: the honeymoon phase was a drug state — literally. A neurochemical cocktail of dopamine, norepinephrine, and nerve growth factor that made you want constantly, but didn't actually deliver the goods. Research shows that only 49% of women climax in new or casual encounters, compared to 70% in long-term committed relationships. You were having more sex, more urgently — and less actual satisfaction.In this episode, I unpack the neuroscience of New Relationship Energy (NRE), why it was never meant to last, and — most importantly — what becomes available on the other side of it when you build intentionally. Spoiler: it's not a consolation prize. It's deep satisfaction that a honeymoon phase literally cannot give you.You'll learn:What's actually happening in your brain and body during the "honeymoon phase" of NRE (and how serotonin actually drops)Why the NRE fade is completion, not failureWhat long-term desire offers that new relationships never can — being truly known, a partner who has learned your actual erotic makeup, and trust built through rupture and repair (if you  do the work to build it)Why "trying harder" doesn't work — and what actually changes the patternThe new research showing that desire for novelty and desire for deep commitment aren't oppositesThis episode ends with a guided future visualization to help you focus forward. If you've been trying to go backward, this episode will turn you around.Send us Fan MailGet my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited. 

BONUS: Teaching embodied consent at home—for your kids AND your relationship.This special Podcasthon 2026 episode benefits Freedom Network USA, the largest coalition working on human trafficking in the United States. Prevention of sexual violence starts in families— and most of us were never taught how to practice true embodied consent ourselves.In this episode, you'll learn:Why teaching consent early matters— and how it connects to preventing exploitation5 practical tools you can use TODAY to teach body autonomy and boundary respect to your kidsHow to model consent in your adult relationship (even if you're navigating a desire gap)Why "embodied" consent is different from just asking—and why it mattersWhat to do if you don't know how to say no without guilt or respect your partner's boundaries without resentmentPlus: An interview with Karen Romero, Co-Executive Director of Freedom Network USA, on immigration policy, vulnerability to trafficking, and how listeners can help.Kids learn from what we DO, not just what we say. If you're struggling with embodied consent in your own relationship—saying yes when you don't want to, sulking when your partner says no, avoiding touch because it feels like pressure—your kids are learning those patterns too.This episode gives you actionable practices to change that, plus a curated list of age-appropriate consent books for kids (link below).Support Freedom Network USA: [Donate Here]Learn more: https://freedomnetworkusa.org | https://podcasthon.orgResources: Consent books for kids by age group: https://laurajurgens.com/consent-books-for-kids/Send a textGet my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/ Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

Does your partner's touch make your skin crawl? You're not broken—and this is fixable.Touch aversion is when affectionate or sexual touch from your partner feels wrong in your body— irritating, threatening, or like you need to escape. This can happen even with light, loving touch. This isn't about attraction. It's a nervous system response— and it's more common than you think.In this episode, you'll learn:What touch aversion actually is (and why it's not rejection, it's protection)8 causes beyond sexual trauma—including disembodied consent, emotional coercion, being "touched out" from kids, unresolved resentments, and attachment patternsWhy therapy may help you understand it but doesn't solve it (and what does)Why your partner acting hurt about it makes it worse, even though it's understandableThe Three-Touch Discovery Process— a practice you can try today to start reconnecting with what your body actually wantsTouch aversion happens when your nervous system has learned that touch isn't safe— even with a safe partner. You can't think your way out of a body-based response. You need new somatic experiences to re-pattern.This is solvable. But you need guided work with someone who specializes in nervous system re-patterning, not just talk therapy. So we'll talk about what that looks like. If you want help, book a consultation at https://laurajurgens.com/book-a-consult/Send a textGet my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about my offerings and read the blog: https://laurajurgens.com/ Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

Treat others the way you want to be treated? Great rule. Terrible sex advice.In this episode I'm breaking down the principle that actually works — go at the pace of the slowest body in the room, with open curiosity — and why applying the wrong golden rule is one of the most common ways couples accidentally shut down desire without even realizing it.I talk about what going slow actually asks of the faster-arousing partner (hint: it's not a sacrifice — it's new, but delicious), why the slower-arousing partner needs to develop real self-knowledge first, and what that actually looks like in practice. I also get into why so many people with vulvas have never actually explored their own peak arousal — and why that matters more than most sex "experts" will ever tell you.If you've ever felt like your body isn't responding the way it "should," or like you and your partner are somehow always missing each other — this one's for you.Topics covered:Why the wrong golden rule kills desire without anyone meaning it toThe nervous system reason that going too fast trips the brakesWhat the "five-course meal approach" actually looks likeSelf-exploration as a non-negotiable — and how to startHealing your relationship with your own genitals

Ever notice how sometimes the answer isn't more information — it's actually doing something with what you already know?Like when your car is broken, you don't actually need more information from the mechanic after a certain point. You need someone to get under the hood and DO the work. I recorded this episode because I kept seeing the same pattern: people who've been reading books, listening to podcasts, and taking courses about their desire gap for years — but nothing in their relationship has actually changed.If that's you (or someone you love), this episode might be the permission slip you need.I walk through how to tell the difference between productive learning and learning as avoidance — when gathering more information becomes a way to delay the discomfort of actually trying something new. And I help you figure out which one you're in right now.You'll learn:The one question that reveals whether you need more information or you need to take actionHow to know when "I just need to understand it better first" is actually fear talkingPractical guidance to make the switch from default-thinking (aka fear and avoidance brain) to "I can take action" Here's the truth I wish someone had told me earlier in my own journey: You don't need to wait until "the right time." There is never a perfect time. You don't need to "feel ready." (We never feel ready). But there's a point at which we all need to decide we are worth it and take action, not just keep learning. If this resonates, send it to someone who's been stuck in the same loop. Sometimes we all need someone to lovingly say: you're ready, even if it doesn't feel like it.

You've read the books. Maybe you've done therapy. You've tried scheduled sex, date nights, "just doing it." And you're still stuck.Here's why: you've been trying to fix a layout problem with decorative solutions.In this episode, I break down the kitchen remodel analogy— why desire gaps need something very different than what most people try. You need a comprehensive, body-based approach, not another book, toy, date night, or conversation about the problem. I'll walk you through what most of you have tried, why it hasn't worked (not your fault), why it feels so deflating, and what actually does work for real human beings.This is for people who are exhausted, at their wit's end, and starting to wonder if it's even fixable. Spoiler: it is.

If you're ready to work on your desire gap but your partner won't go to therapy or coaching, this episode is for you.The answer to "can I actually fix this alone?" is yes — and today I break down exactly how individual work changes the entire relationship dynamic, even when only one person is ready to start.Drawing on systems theory and real client stories, we'll cover why waiting for your partner to be ready is costing you — and why going first is often the most powerful move you can make. You'll hear two real stories: a higher-libido partner who discovered what she actually needed (hint: it wasn't more sex), and a lower-libido partner who finally found their authentic "yes" by first owning her "no."In this episode:Why changing yourself changes the entire relationship systemThe two most common reasons people keep individual coaching private — and why both are completely validWhat actually happens when one partner goes first (it's not what you'd expect)Why lower-libido partners especially need solo time before couples workThe reality check: what your partner's response tells you about what's possibleWhether you're the higher-desire or lower-desire partner, you don't have to stay stuck waiting for someone else's timeline. Your growth ripples out. Always.

Avoiding sex? Feeling the "ick" when your partner initiates? Going to bed at 8pm to dodge intimacy? You probably think you have low libido. But what if that's not what's actually happening?In this vulnerable episode, I share my own story of years spent in what I call "the messy middle"—that phase where you've stopped having sex you don't want, but you haven't figured out what you DO want yet. From the outside, it looked like my libido vanished. But what was really happening? My body was setting boundaries after years of performing intimacy.I walk you through the three phases: passive withdrawal (where most people get stuck), learning to own your voice and have the hard conversation, and discovering your authentic pleasure. I also share the specific fears that keep people stuck—"What if talking about this makes it worse?"—and what actually helps you move forward.Note: This pattern happens most for women due to socialization, but it affects anyone who's learned to perform sexually rather than connect authentically.If you're in the messy middle, this episode will help you understand why—and what comes next.Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through TouchA Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshopwith Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-togetherGet my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

When you're running on empty, sex feels like just another demand on your already depleted system. But burnout isn't just affecting your work life—it's killing your desire and disconnecting you from your partner.Dr. Amy Grimm, veterinarian and certified burnout coach, joins me to explore how chronic stress impacts intimacy. We discuss what both high and low desire partners need to know, including: Why burnout is a nervous system problem, not just a work problemHow to tell if you're burned out vs. depressedWhy sex becomes performative when you're disconnected from yourselfThe micro-moment practices that actually restore your nervous system (no hour-long meditations required)How to reconnect with your body so you can reconnect with your partnerIf you suspect burnout is affecting your relationship or libido, this conversation will help you understand what's really happening—and give you simple tools to start healing.Resources: Free video series: The Burnout Fix - https://burnoutfreeme.kit.com/burnoutfix Amy's podcast: Burnout-Free Me - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/daring-dvm/id1685789557 Website: https://daringdvm.comSpecial Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through TouchA Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshopwith Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-togetherGet my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

Before you can solve your desire gap, you need to know what you actually want. This super simple, somatic practice helps you stop overthinking sex, connect to your body's truth, and find the safety you need to access authentic desire. Whether you want more or less sex than your partner, self-attunement is the foundation for everything. Learn the simple 1-minute body check-in that reveals your real yeses and nos—and helps your partner feel your presence too. Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through TouchA Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshopwith Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-togetherGet my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

Part 1 in this series covered how ADHD affects desire. Now let's get practical.Mid-sex, suddenly thinking about work emails and grocery lists? Your partner can tell you're not fully there . . . and it doesn't feel great to you either. You're not a bad lover, your ADHD brain is just incredibly loud.This episode covers the most common in-the-moment challenges and what to do about them:Sensory needs: why some touches work and others don't, and how to communicate what your body needsTask-list brain: staying present instead of mentally composing tomorrow's to-do listNovelty, time blindness, and working memory: we'll discuss practical toolsThese aren't flaws to fix—they're features to work with. Your ADHD brain can experience incredible pleasure and connection when you understand what it needs.Start with one small tool. Small shifts make huge differences.Part 3 coming soon: medication effects, sleep issues, and how ADHD behaviors outside the bedroom kill desire inside it.Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through TouchA Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshopwith Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-togetherGet my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

You've been sold a lie: that if your relationship needs work, something is fundamentally wrong. That love should just happen naturally if you're compatible. That needing help means you're failing.This myth keeps people stuck in mediocre relationships, avoiding problems, and thinking they're failures when they struggle. And it's complete bullshit.Here's the truth: We live in a culture that gives us terrible relationship advice, no real education about intimacy, and a bunch of harmful myths. Then we're expected to navigate one of the most complex, vulnerable aspects of human experience—intimate relationships—with zero guidance. Does that make sense?Your relationship quality is the biggest predictor of your overall happiness and health—not your job, your bank account, or your body size. We invest thousands in gym memberships, career development, and lawn care. But when it comes to our most important relationship, we hesitate. Why?This episode is about what "doing the work" actually means: time, money, effort, and attention. It's about why your intimate relationship deserves the same intentionality you give to other important areas of your life. And it's about giving yourself permission to get help before things become a crisis.Your relationship deserves your best effort, not your leftovers. Let's talk about what real investment looks like—and why it matters.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

If you're dealing with a desire discrepancy, you probably think you know what you want: more sex, or less sex. But what I've learned is this: there's always more under the surface. And that information is gold for figuring out the way forward together.If you're the higher-desire partner, what are you actually seeking when you want sex? Is it validation? Connection? Reassurance that the relationship is okay? If you're the lower-desire partner, what are you really trying to avoid when you don't want sex? Certain sensations? Emotions? Pressure? Memories?When you dig deeper and get honest answers to these questions, everything shifts. You can communicate what you actually need, you stop putting invisible pressure on your partner, and you find other ways to meet your real needs.This episode walks both partners through the questions you need to ask yourselves—with curiosity, not judgment. Plus: how to stop asking yourself crappy questions that make you feel worse, and start asking empowering ones instead.Your brain will answer whatever you ask it. Let's ask better questions.Check out Emily Nagoski's latest book here: Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual ConnectionsThriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through TouchA Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshopwith Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-togetherGet my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Thinking about asking ChatGPT about your desire gap at 2am? You're not alone—lots of people are turning to AI for relationship help. And I get it. It's free, private, and you don't have to admit to another human that you're struggling.But here's what you need to know: AI can be genuinely helpful for some things—like understanding new concepts, normalizing your experience, or organizing your thoughts before talking to your partner. But it also has serious limitations that can actually make your problems worse.In this episode, I break down what AI does well (psychoeducation, reducing shame) and what it fundamentally can't do (anything embodied or somatic). We'll talk about the "sycophancy problem"—why AI tells you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear—and when it's time to get actual human support.For anyone considering on turning to AI for relationship advice, but wanting to be informed about that choice, this one's for you.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

This is THE episode to share. After 100 episodes and years of working with couples on mismatched desire, I'm breaking down the 10 mistakes that keep you stuck—from obligation sex and taking rejection personally, to making every touch sexual and believing someone is broken. These patterns make total sense, but they backfire hard. If you or someone you know is dealing with a desire gap, start here. You'll learn what's keeping things stuck and exactly what to do instead.The 10 mistakes:Trying to 'fix' your partner instead of the dynamicHaving obligation sex to keep the peaceTaking rejection personallyBelieving scheduling sexy time is not "natural"Being defensive about sexual feedbackMaking all physical affection have to lead to sexChasing your partner (pursuit-distance trap)Not knowing your own bodyExpecting only spontaneous desire to be "real"Believing someone is broken or wrongFor each one, you'll learn why it backfires and exactly what to do instead.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Depression tanks your libido. Then you finally get help with antidepressants—and your sex drive tanks even more. If this is you, you're not broken. You're dealing with a real, common side effect that nobody wants to talk about.In this episode, I break down the double whammy of depression and SSRIs on your sex life: how depression shuts down motivation (including for sex), why antidepressants compound the problem by affecting serotonin and dopamine, and how orgasm difficulties create a feedback loop that kills desire even further.I also share my personal story—how I dealt with depression, the mental scripts generating self-hatred that my brain was trying to protect me from, and how I got off meds through coaching and massive self-compassion work. Literally re-writing the thoughts in my head changed everything.We cover: what you can actually do about it (medication options, body-based approaches, relationship support), why this isn't your fault, and how to stop choosing between mental health and a satisfying sex life.Quick note: I'm not a medical doctor—this is educational, not medical advice. Always talk to your doctor about medication decisions.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

If you're not tearing each other's matching pajamas off for holiday romance, you're not broken - you're normal. The holidays come with dreamy visions of mistletoe magic, but the reality is stress, family drama, overbooked schedules, and exhaustion.In this episode, we tackle:Why holiday pressure kills intimacyThe common patterns that widen desire gaps (and how to avoid them)Low-pressure ways to stay connected when libido is low or mismatchedHow to communicate without pressure if you're the higher-desire partnerHow to free yourself from holiday expectations if you're the lower-desire partnerHow to redefine holiday intimacy for your actual relationshipReal love doesn't care about picture-perfect presents. It cares about being seen, heard, and connected, even when life is messy.Perfect for those navigating desire and relationship challenges during the most stressful season of the year. Zero shame. Real help.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Most people think the goal with mismatched libidos is making the lower-desire partner want more of the sex you've been having—or making the higher-desire partner want less. But that's not it. And it wouldn't work anyway. I walk through the actual goals when you're healing a desire gap. They boil down to maximizing sexual compatibility, emotional connection, and quality of communication, then deciding how to manage whatever gap, if any, is left over. This means focusing first on better quality sex, real emotional connection, and removing what's blocking desire. Then making clean decisions together. Plus, we'll talk about why magic bullets or quick fixes don't work, and what does. Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Feeling stuck, powerless, and like your needs don't matter? This episode is for you.A listener wrote: "I feel like you only talk about what the low-libido partner needs. What about me?" He's right—I needed to address this more directly.In this episode, I break down the "power imbalance" myth, clarify what you can reasonably expect in a monogamous relationship, and talk over the 5 real options when your partner refuses to work on your desire discrepancy.Your needs matter. You're not powerless. You have choices—they're just hard choices.We also cover what you can do RIGHT NOW to reclaim your agency.Topics: desire discrepancy, mismatched libido, sexless marriage, higher libido partner, relationship helpGet my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

You think having sex when you don't really want to will keep your partner happy. But obligation sex actually destroys desire—and doesn't help either of you in the long run.Research shows that when you cross your own boundaries repeatedly this way, your desire drops even further. Resentment builds. And your partner can wind up feeling even more unwanted.I break down what actually happens with obligation sex, why it doesn't help either partner, and how to choose a different option that honors each person's truth while actually building (rather than eroding) connection.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

You know your desire discrepancy is a problem. You've known for months, maybe years. So why haven't you done anything about it? It's not laziness or lack of care—it's your brain doing exactly what evolution designed it to do. Here's how to override it. This episode helps you understand the neuroscience of "the comfortable pain trap," the real cost of waiting, and how to override your brain's resistance. Whether you're higher-desire or lower-desire, this episode will help you finally take action. Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

If you have ADHD and your sex life feels challenging, you're not broken - your brain just works differently. Maybe you have super high libido and use sex or masturbation to feel at home in your body. Or maybe your libido is low because sex hasn't been working for your body or you're stuck in your head and you don't know why or how to fix it. Or maybe you're both, depending on the day.In this episode, we unpack why ADHD creates these extremes - from sex as self-medication to getting stuck in your head during sex to not knowing what your body actually needs. We also cover Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (why "not tonight" feels catastrophic) and emotional dysregulation (the intensity that confuses your partner).Whether you're the ADHD partner or the non-ADHD partner trying to understand, this episode will help you make sense of what's been happening. No shame, just clarity. First in a 4-part series on ADHD and desire gaps.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

You know you need to talk about your desire gap, but every time you try, it devolves into a fight. Someone gets defensive or spirals into shame, and you're right back where you started – or worse.In this episode, you get the exact framework for having the conversation that actually works to get you started on the road to solving your issues together. You'll learn how to check if you're calm enough for vulnerability, how to express your feelings without blame, how to hear your partner's pain without making it about your own inadequacy, and the step-by-step process for getting on the same team.This isn't theory – it's a practical, tested approach with real examples showing what conversations look like when you're adversarial versus when you're allied. You'll know exactly what to say, how to prepare, when to pause, and how to tell if it's working. Plus, clear signs for when you need outside help and what kind of support actually makes a difference.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

You're both in pain about your desire gap, but you're processing it separately – venting to friends, talking to therapists, building separate narratives about what's wrong. Meanwhile, the gap between you keeps widening. Sound familiar?Most couples approach mismatched libidos like adversaries: one person wants more sex, one wants less, and now you're fighting about whose needs matter more. But when one of you loses, you both lose.In this episode, you'll learn why the adversarial approach never works, how to get underneath surface feelings like "frustrated" or "fine" to the real pain you're both experiencing, and why suppressing your feelings or only venting to others actually makes your desire gap worse. This is the foundation for everything that follows – getting vulnerable enough to stop fighting each other and start solving the problem together.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Why does your body shut down during intimacy even when your mind wants connection? Why does rejection trigger panic that feels way bigger than the situation? The answer might have nothing to do with your current relationship—and everything to do with attachment wounds living in your nervous system.In this episode, Laura talks with Dr. Aline LaPierre, creator of NeuroAffective Touch, about how our earliest experiences with touch shape everything about adult intimacy, sexuality, and connection.You'll learn:Why touch is our "first language" and how it creates our blueprint for relationshipsHow attachment wounds from childhood show up differently for higher-desire and lower-desire partnersWhy neglect and abuse create different patterns in the body—and how to recognize themThe difference between therapeutic touch and massage (and why it matters)How partners can support each other's nervous system healing without becoming therapistsWhy the body remembers what the mind has forgotten—and how to help it tell its storyReal examples of how couples use attuned touch for deep healingDr. LaPierre explains why traditional talk therapy often can't reach body-based trauma, and shares the vision behind bringing NeuroAffective Touch into intimate partnerships for the first time.Whether you're dealing with desire differences, struggling with touch aversion, or sensing that old wounds are affecting your intimacy, this conversation offers a completely different lens for understanding what's happening in your body.About Dr. Aline LaPierre: Creator of NeuroAffective Touch, President of the United States Association of Body Psychotherapy, and co-author of the bestselling book Healing Developmental Trauma (available in 14 languages). Find her at https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/Plus: Learn about the groundbreaking couples course "Thriving Together" launching February 2026—the first systematic training for couples to support each other's attachment healing through touch.APPLY for the course "Thriving Together: Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch" here: https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together-application/Perfect for anyone curious about somatic approaches to healing, body-based trauma work, and how our earliest experiences continue to shape us.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Why does penetration feel painful, numb, or just... meh? And why does rushing to it kill desire over time?If you're experiencing pain or numbness during sex, struggling with low libido, or wondering why your partner seems less and less interested, this episode is for you. It reveals one of the most common desire killers: penetration before the body is actually ready.You'll learn how much time most female bodies need before reaching full arousal,  how to recognize true readiness for penetration, what to do if impatience is getting in the way, and how rushing this one thing can tank desire for years.Whether you're a higher-libido partner wondering why sex isn't appealing to your partner, or a lower-desire partner who's been crossing your body's boundaries so long that sex has become something to endure – this episode has practical solutions for both of you.Perfect for couples dealing with mismatched libidos, pain during sex, or anyone wanting to understand what bodies actually need for pleasurable, desire-building intimacy.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Tired of the cycle where you don't get sex, so you sulk, which makes your partner want sex even less? You're not alone – and you're definitely not getting the results you want.In this episode, we break down why pouting, withdrawal, and passive aggression after sexual rejection literally kills desire and pushes your partner further away. If you're the higher-libido partner feeling frustrated and acting out, or the lower-libido partner dealing with sulking and guilt trips, this episode is for you.You'll learn exactly why these behaviors backfire so spectacularly, what to do instead when you feel rejected or frustrated, and how both partners can break this desire-killing cycle. No shame, no blame – just practical tools to stop making things worse and start building the connection you actually want.Perfect for couples dealing with mismatched libidos, desire discrepancies, or anyone who wants better communication around sex and intimacy.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

This episode is all about why I'm making a change in this podcast, including why that is going to be extra great for you as a listener. In fact, you're going to get even more of my focused expertise, aimed at the issue that affects 80% of people in relationships at some point: libido mismatch. I'm keeping all the no-nonsense, research-based, caring content you know me for. What you also get is laser-focused expertise on desire differences— the issue that touches virtually every other sexual and relationship challenge people face. Here's why this matters: most marriage and family therapists have zero training in sexuality, leaving couples seeking help for their biggest relationship issue from professionals who are under-prepared. Most couples wait years before addressing desire differences, often making the gap harder to bridge.I've been on both sides of desire differences myself—zero desire periods where I felt broken and ashamed, and times as the higher-libido partner, when I felt  constantly rejected. My partner and I worked through both scenarios using the exact methods I teach clients, and we're now having the best sex of our lives.You'll hear transformation stories like my client who went from painful obligation sex twice a year to genuine pleasure and stronger communication in three months. I also preview upcoming episodes and guide you through a reflection exercise to assess your current relationship with desire. Whether you want more or less sex than your partner, feel rejected or pressured, this episode will help you understand why you're not broken and give you specific steps to start creating change immediately.Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Your body remembers every touch, every rejection, every moment of connection—even when your mind has forgotten. But most of us are living from the neck up, disconnected from our bodies and the wisdom they hold about our desires, boundaries, and authentic selves.In this episode, I'm demystifying embodiment and somatic (body-based) approaches for intimacy issues. I'll break down what it actually means to be embodied (versus disconnected), why your nervous system holds the key to better sex and relationships, and how somatic approaches differ from traditional talk therapy.You'll learn a wee bit of the history of body-based healing—from Wilhelm Reich's "character armor" to modern trauma research—and discover why bottom-up healing (starting with your body) often works better than top-down approaches for intimacy challenges.I'm sharing the 5 specific benefits of getting more embodied: better emotional regulation, real confidence (not performed), authentic relationships, reduced physical tension, and magnetic presence that makes people actually listen when you speak.Plus, practical examples from my practice showing how embodied approaches help with everything from performance anxiety to not knowing what you want sexually. This isn't woo-woo stuff—it's science-backed work that creates real change.Perfect for anyone who's tired of living disconnected from their body and ready to access their full aliveness. Also perfect for anyone who simply wonders "what's the point of being more embodied? Why bother?" Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Many people worry that fantasizing during intimacy means something is wrong with their relationship or attraction to their partner. In this episode, we explore why mental wandering during sex is completely normal and can actually enhance your experience. Learn the difference between healthy fantasy that keeps you present and embodied… versus problematic fantasy used for dissociation or avoidance. We'll cover why active minds (especially ADHD brains) benefit from fantasy, when it becomes a red flag, and how to use your imagination as a tool for better sex rather than an escape from it. Plus, we tackle the big question: is fantasizing about others considered cheating?Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Are casual-sex relationships always problematic, or can they actually work for some people? In this episode, we break down the key differences between "friends with benefits" (clear boundaries) and situationships (confusing lack of clarity). Learn why catching feelings during casual sex is completely normal and healthy, when these arrangements can work, and crucial signs they're not right for you. We'll explore attachment styles, discuss why some people naturally bond through sex while others remain detached, and provide practical guidance for knowing whether you're built for casual relationships. Plus, we address the long-term implications of consistent emotional avoidance, and answer the question: is it possible to  prioritize my emotional well-being while having casual sex?Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

We're going to get really nitty-gritty here today and give you the full details on why, when and how to tell your partner what turns you off. I'll also give you the important exceptions -- that is, when NOT to frame something as a turn-off. Plus you'll get a step-by-step guide on how to have these conversations -- and my Golden Rule for how to make them WAY less hard.  Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

What if getting better at relationships and intimacy could actually feel amazing? In this episode, we look at the evidence to challenge the assumption that learning relationship skills has to involve painful, difficult conversations or years of heavy therapy.Drawing on science about how our brains learn best, we talk about why pleasure and play are actually superior teachers when it comes to intimacy. I'll break down the problems with traditional talk-only approaches and share how embodied, experiential practices create lasting change faster—and more enjoyably.You'll learn why focusing only on problems keeps people stuck, how positive emotions enhance learning and memory, and why building confidence through practice (not just talking) transforms relationships. What if growth could feel good?Perfect for anyone ready to stop making intimacy harder than it needs to be.Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Today's episode is all about non-verbal communication, it's role with authenticity and trust, and why it matters so much in romantic and sexual relationships (and all relationships, for that matter). Here's the link for the Hawaii retreat! Don't miss your chance to join us! https://www.kamahagar.com/retreat-page/ Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Even though nearly everyone will go through periods of low sexual desire in their lifetime, most people have no idea how common it is or that it's solve-able. Sadly, a lot of people feel like there is something wrong with them, or like they are broken. This episode will normalize what you're going through, plus give you 10 important questions to help you identify the root causes of your own low desire. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

"Send me a text"Are you secretly scared of your own desires? I see this all the time in my practice – we avoid knowing what we truly want because we're terrified of disappointment. But here's the thing: your desires are there whether you acknowledge them or not, and avoiding them is just quitting in advance (there's no benefit). In this episode, I'm walking you through a powerful exercise that will help you uncover what you actually want (not what you think you should want). We're going to dig past those surface-level desires – like wanting the perfect body or your partner to initiate sex more – and get to the real stuff underneath.I'll share how my own perfectionist fantasies were actually masking deeper desires for self-acceptance, and how recognizing this changed everything. You'll learn to distinguish between desires you can control versus ones that depend on other people, and why that matters so much.This isn't about repressing your wants – it's about getting smart about them. I'm giving you the exact questions to ask yourself that will help you figure out which desires are worth pursuing and which ones are just symptoms of other issues.Grab a pen and paper – we're doing this work together.Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

"Send me a text"Have you ever been with someone you love, but their touch just felt... wrong? Or maybe your partner has told you that YOUR touch feels off, and you have no idea what you're doing wrong?I'm diving deep into this incredibly common issue that so many couples face but rarely talk about. First, I want you to know: you're not broken, and neither is your partner. This happens to normal humans with normal senses, and it's actually important information your body is giving you.I'm breaking down the four main reasons touch can feel off – from being too up in your head instead of present in your body, to timing issues, to picking up on unspoken emotions your partner isn't even aware they're having. The good news? All of this can be fixed with better communication, presence, and attunement skills.I'll share a real example from a recent intensive session where I walked a couple through this exact process, and it was absolutely life-changing for them. If you've ever struggled with this, you're going to want to hear the practical solutions that actually work.This episode could transform how you connect with your partner.Lit & Luscious Women's Retreat in Hawaii January 2026 is open for registration and early-bird discount! Come to Hawaii with me & co-host Kama Hagar for The Most Fun Retreat Ever Made -- just for you. Go to https://www.kamahagar.com/retreat-page/ to register now and give your future self the best gift ever. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

It can be hard for couples to find good times to connect sexually. Busy lives or different sleep schedules are just some contributing factors that make finding time for sex especially challenging. Add to that an expectation that sex is "supposed to be spontaneous" and we have a recipe for frustration. Join me for an exploration of where the whole "thing" around spontaneity comes from, why you might like to de-bunk the myth that spontaneous = passionate, and how you can find more time and better times to get it on. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

If you're asking yourself whether you and your partner are just too sexually incompatible for your relationship to work, this episode is for you. (Tip: It's also for people you know who seem to be asking themselves this all the time. Please share it and you could save someone a lot of angst). Join me as we dive into the hidden issues underneath this question. If you or someone you know is asking this question, you know that it can take a lot of energy and really sap your joy. So let's figure it out and give you the right questions to ask so you can start feeling empowered to make the right decision for yourself today. Want to know more about the Maui Lit & Luscious Women's Retreat? Find it all out here and grab your spot with a deposit today! https://www.kamahagar.com/retreat-page/Lit & Luscious Women's Retreat in Hawaii January 2026 is open for registration and early-bird discount! Come to Hawaii with me & co-host Kama Hagar for The Most Fun Retreat Ever Made -- just for you. Go to https://www.kamahagar.com/retreat-page/ to register now and give your future self the best gift ever. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Don't miss this important (and fun) conversation with Danielle Harel, PhD, co-founder of the Somatica Institute. We talk all about discovering your deep turn-ons, how to know and ask for what you like, and why everyone's arousal pathway is different. We also flirt and laugh a lot while we demonstrate a mini-conversation to have with your partner. Grab the Somatica Institute's guide to Finding Your Hottest Sexual Movie (what turns you on) with this special link for podcast listeners: https://learn.somatica.com/link/6emf31?url=https%3A%2F%2Flearn.somatica.com%2Fcourse%3Fcourseid%3Dhow-to-spice-up-your-sex-lifeAnd a special listener link to all of their other courses is here: https://learn.somatica.com/link/6emf31Find out all the details for the Maui Women's Lit & Luscious Retreat & reserve your spot here: https://www.kamahagar.com/retreat-page/Lit & Luscious Women's Retreat in Hawaii January 2026 is open for registration and early-bird discount! Come to Hawaii with me & co-host Kama Hagar for The Most Fun Retreat Ever Made -- just for you. Go to https://www.kamahagar.com/retreat-page/ to register now and give your future self the best gift ever. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Join me today as I walk through what's really underneath the tendency and temptation to fake orgasms, and how to stop. You'll learn the hidden costs of this habit to you and your relationship. You'll learn what it is actually all about and how to start creating the safety you need in order to have authentic pleasure, connection and communication. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Premature ejaculation or "PE" is one of the most widespread challenges for men and couples that include men. There's no special pill being sold on TV.  And while it's not quite that easy to find good help -- we got you! There ARE solutions that work way better than trying to think about baseball or frantically masturbating before a date. Join me for a fun and important conversation with Caitlin V, fellow sex coach, YouTube sensation and host of Good Sex on MAX and Discovery+. Our conversation focuses on the best paths to overcoming PE, from her experience and mine. There's no shame, just practical solutions that actually work. Use this link to access her course "Come When You Want" for men and enter the code LauraListener for 10% off!Lit & Luscious Women's Retreat in Hawaii January 2026 is open for registration and early-bird discount! Come to Hawaii with me & co-host Kama Hagar for The Most Fun Retreat Ever Made -- just for you. Go to https://www.kamahagar.com/retreat-page/ to register now and give your future self the best gift ever. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

It may be surprising, but how we treat ourselves is irrevocably linked to how happy we are in our connections with others. Tune in to this heartfelt episode for shortcuts on how to have a better relationship with yourself, first and foremost. You'll be amazed at how that will transform your relationships with everyone else (and your sex life!)Lit & Luscious Women's Retreat in Hawaii January 2026 is open for registration and early-bird discount! Come to Hawaii with me & co-host Kama Hagar for The Most Fun Retreat Ever Made -- just for you. Go to https://www.kamahagar.com/retreat-page/ to register now and give your future self the best gift ever. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Applying the idea of "polarity" without full knowledge can actually undermine you and harm your sexual connection. So it's best to be informed. Some people act like the idea of "polarity" applied to relationships is some sort of universal truth, but the reality is that it's just a made-up concept that is really only helpful in. I'm going to break down what polarity actually is and the facts beneath the hype, so you can apply your brilliant critical-thinking mind to decide if you want to play with this idea yourself or not. I'll also break down the situations where it is and is not useful, give you the knowledge to know when it is harmful (which is really common), and also give you some options for less problematic role-playing concepts to play with, which tend to work better for a larger range of people. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

This episode will walk you through how to have boundaries that feel great. Good boundaries feel like a big hug for you, rather than a barbed-wire fence to control others. We'll also cover why kind boundaries are critical to creating secure attachment. Don't miss this one!Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Today we're talking about common challenges & solutions for giving and receiving oral sex. Plus, since this is episode 69, I'm celebrating with some cautionary tales around 69, and I'll cover why so many people just don't like it (plus what to do instead). Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

If you're feeling like change is impossible, you may be falling into a sneaky self-undermining habit. Instead of imagining your worst beliefs are true, take a listen to this empowering episode. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Ever wish you had more make out sessions with your partner(s)? Ever wish you felt 100% allowed to just flirt or kiss and then . . . stop? Do you ever wish you could get physical affection without feeling like you're on the hook for getting your partner to orgasm? If so, this episode is for you! It's also for anyone who notices their partner avoiding sex. And anyone who, on reflection, notices that they take flirtation and making out as a signal that their partner wants sex, but rarely do you talk about it explicitly or actually ask. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

Both monogamy and non-monogamy are valid choices, but a lot of people default into the modern-day societal norm without even fully discussing it or considering the options that best align with us.  This episode provides an introduction to the different choices for relationship structures available. Whatever you choose, I encourage you to make it an intentional decision for you and your partner or partner. I also provide direct you to some resources that can really help. As a coach who has helped many couples navigate changes in their relationship structures, I highly recommend having a listen. Book list mentioned: Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships (originally The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality)  by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda JetháPolysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica FernPolywise: A Deeper Dive into Navigating Open Relationships by Jessica FernGet my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

This episode gives you the bird's-eye view of what we all need to know and understand in order to have our best sex life and best relationships. You might want a pencil and paper for this one!Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

I'm breaking down the special challenges that over-achievers tend to have with intimacy, sex, and relationships today. I'm also going to tell you exactly how to overcome those challenges. If you're a person who's afraid of failing in relationships and intimacy, or frustrated that other humans and our own bodies don't come with better manuals -- I've got you. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.