The Paternity Test

Context alert!! This episode was originally recorded back in mid-June, during the height of the BLM protests. It's been held up in the works for various reasons, but we think it's pretty good and worth a listen. It involves diarrhea, so what's not to like! We want to hear from you!!! Send us an e-mail at paternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Episode 64 Part 2: Artesianal Quarantine Caramel The Dads continue to discuss their quarantine survival tactics, from moving woodpiles to Todd's craft caramel and mask making. 80's corporal punishment comes up - remember the paddle? Dave goes to the dump - perhaps to dig up some ET cartridges. Delicious Southern Restoration rat wrap recipes are shared, and tv gets so great that good isn't worth watching anymore! Tune in now to the podcast where everyone generally knows some portion of your name! We want to hear from you!!! Send us an e-mail at paternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Episode 64 Part 1: People or No People All it took for us to bring back the podcast was having absolutely nothing else to do! Todd, Matt, AND Dave, AND special guest Joel all are all here, (You get Curly and Shemp!) and they're trying to keep their broods occupied in the long quality time purgatory that is social distancing. Matt and Viva have a new game fit for the apocalypse, Joel antagonizes the other dads with good weather reports and bad death tolls, Dave tries not screw up in front of his wife when he's ALWAYS in front of his wife, and Todd contemplates tuckering Ellie out by forcing her to dig an in-ground trampoline. You know, family stuff. We want to hear from you!!! Send us an e-mail at paternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

The Dads are back? The Dads are back! And they brought along a special friend - Scott Durbin from Imagination Movers! Todd and Matt talk about where they've been (Todd moving, Matt getting angry about airpods). They're older (Todd needs to hold onto furniture to stand up, and Matt looks like a tired Dr. Strange) but they're here. Todd has a teenage girl at home who is a sulking rage machine, and Matt has little kid who is very concerned about the health and welfare of former Beatles. And Mover Scott shares details on the making of "10-4", the Movers tenth album, his recent health scare, and the Movers concert March 30th in Chicago! Get the Movers new album on iTunes or wherever great music is sold, or through their web site, Where you can also get tickets to the concert tickets! Tickets also available at VittumTheatre.org. It's only a 300 seat house, with a nearly sold out performance at 1pm and a 4pm show going fast! E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com. And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Episode 62: Hack My Thermostat They Dads are back, farmer-tanned and ready for action. Todd is getting good at small talk in his old age, but is it a sign of cognitive decline? And Todd can't convince his soulless wife to cry along with him to sappy Dad songs. Meanwhile, Matt debates bringing his daughter to a concert she's gonna hate. The Dads ponder how much they want to tie their homes to “The Internet of Things” – especially their fancy Japanese toilets. And Matt emcees some cooking demonstrations that get upstaged by a dinosaur and his hammy kid. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Why do Todd and Matt smell like lamb chops and adrenaline? A trip to a Brazilian steakhouse – full of traps to destroy your sausage party, like biscuits and cheese. GET THEE BEHIND ME, BISCUITS! In a post-Easter, breakdown, Todd and Matt are skeptical of the recent poll of “top jelly bean flavors by state”. Are frying pans supposed to suck? And in “Holidont's”, Todd has a rudderless Easter, and Matt overdoes it so hard the cops come. And so do ants. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. Coming to climb with us at Easter Time? Sign up at http://brooklynboulders.com/chicago/ Thanks for listening!

“Pony Up Daddy” is the new Dad saddle that allows your child to humiliate you in comfort. Did we need this invention? In “Health Beat”, Todd halves his Jube Gel intake and goes into weight loss freefall. But where to stop? Speaking of which, Todd bought some dubiously named workout drinks that he probably doesn't need, but it does taste like watermelon Slurpee. And in “Scarred for Life”, Matt brings Viva to perform at Windy City LIVE! and has to balance between ruining showbiz for her forever and ruining her for real life forever. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. Coming to climb with us at Easter Time? Sign up at http://brooklynboulders.com/chicago/ Thanks for listening!

The Dads clue into the next big teen sensation – sucking on Nintendo games! Watch out, jenkem and butt-chugging! In “How the Better Half Live”, Matt tried to figure out his wife's rubric for watching TV: How can Westworld not be good enough if Teen Wolf is??? Oh, and Matt goes full Todd and buys a decibel meter so he can see if he's justified in being grumpy at his HVAC system. That's some real dadcore stuff! And in “So, Now You're Old”, Todd can no longer put his children to bed nor enjoy TV by himself – because they can stay away longer than him. Paging Dr. Kevorkian! E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

The Dads great up for Paczki Day 2017 (this was recorded last week) – but will Todd put his weight loss over his heritage?! I mean, he already drinks tea instead of having dessert. “Planes to Catch and Bills to Pay” is a big one today – as Todd goes to his LAST Daddy Daughter Dance. (sniff) And... it has a theme? On Amazon, Todd buys his OWN video game controller his kid can't touch. Smart move or monstrously selfish parenting? And in Health Beat – Matt tries self-tanner... what could possibly go wrong? E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Todd and Matt reminisce about failed extreme football leagues past. Is there still a lingerie bowl? Matt's got an addendum to “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven”, as Viva worries about the soul of her stuffed puppy. Does Cool Pope Francis have a loophole? Then we turn to “Scary Clowns and Filthy Elmos” as the Dads learn with horror that Viva has a secret imaginary friend that's a whole circle of hell down from her ghost friends Caleb! (CAAALEBB!!!) Are you doing your Amazon shopping through our support page at paternitypodcast.com? Matt is, as he integrates his favorite action figures into his daughter's games of “Princesses in Lava Land”. And finally, in the “Boop Bop Beat”, Todd succumbs to the siren's call of Twitter masochism, and “Trump Syndrome” turns him into a short tempered monster of a father, who conditions his kids to lie and hide things!!! E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Criss-Cross Applesauce? Sitting like a W? A Paternity Test investigation into how kids sit today. In “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven” - Viva's heaven is a lot like a production of “Starlight Express”, and Matt and Professor Foster go to war with the gods. Matt buys some “Inside Out” toys, but Viva's feelings are too big to watch movies. And in “So, Now You're Old” - Todd goes right over the hill and lands at a beef stand. Did he waste all his ionic supreme? E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Happy New Year! Welcome to the start of another year of fake radio from Todd and Matt, the best friends you never met! New Year, New You for babies, who should now be eating... peanuts?! And Todd is dosing his dog with a peanut dust that would never make it through TSA. Speaking of Todd, he's back from a family vacation... is he the one who made the sign say, “Hollyweed”? Matt bought a very heavy vest – will it make him swole or just crippled? Say, how do you teach a kid to blow their nose? And who mops up afterwards? And Viva starts learning about religion... and creating her own! In queso troubles – should we all pray to “Cheesus”? E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram. Thanks for listening!

The Dads talk about last minute shopping, where Todd grabs whatever fits his price point, and Matt grabs appetizer platters. In Health Beat, Ellie starts getting sick just before the holiday trip, and the Jays start mainline uncut Colombian Caveman multivitamin. First you get the Barneys, then you get the vitamins, then you get fight the scurvy. Plus, a feverish Ellie gets in trouble, as does a pillow tossing Viva, and the Dads let guilt be their guide. We hope you're using the Amazon portal! We know we are – even though it shows our family banner ads of what we got them. Matt wants to talk stranger danger with Viva, but she doesn't want to hear about. Does the National Center for Don't Lose Your Kids really want your child to find an old Gypsy woman if they get lost in the store? E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Thought the "wet red bread" Facebook recipe videos were gross? The Dads just found the cocktail version, "Tipsy Bartender". Anyone for a Pokeymans Mudslide? Matt tries to watch some holiday TV but find "the Santa Paws" impossibly maudlin. At least he learned empathy for Christmas Frankensteins. Play-Doh – perfect snowman ingredient or winter nightmare fuel? Please don't forget to do your holiday shopping through our Amazon portal at paternitypodcast.com! Lazy gift givers, it is time to panic – Yankee Candle Recall! Michael from New York calls in and goes green with an advanced bird flipping technique. … And in the moment we all knew would come, Ellie gets "the talk" at school, and it was time for Todd to ask her what she knows about sperm and ayyyygs. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

Can you handle your Marijuana Gummies? Illinois teens sure can't. Let's hope they never touch the brown acid Gobstoppers. Ellie's history of being neglected for her brother's sporting events culminates in a bleacher birthday party, and adult coloring book, and a Jersey Mike's sub. Laser Tag in an empty dorm – awesome or a great way to get shot by security? The Dads explore the phenomenon of Facebook sped-up recipe videos and their shambling wet bread horrors. Open a tube of crescent rolls, grab a pail of ranch, and enjoy! ...and Matt realizes his Sr. Pre-K daughter is having her own life experiences – and he doesn't like it. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

In this festive episode, Todd decorates for Christmas, Halloween, and Thanksgiving at the same time – enjoy a cornucopia full of spooky peppermints! Meanwhile, Matt convinces some international students to put up his decorations to.. broaden their cultural horizons? Todd's wife leaves town for a week, and the wheels come off his domestic life. Is there an app for this? Speaking of Todd, he's considering becoming the Grabowski Gizmoduck on a mini-Segway. If not that, then he at least wants a Vespa to embarrass himself on. And reality weighs heavily on Matt's house, as Viva starts to wonder what is real and what is showbiz. Cartoons? Mermaids? Shellfish? Is anything real at all? E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! And find us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram.

It's out episode 50 Underwhelm-tacular! We can't get the NES classic and we'd be happy to sit in a parking lot all night watching the Godfather trilogy and waiting for it. Todd uncovers the cruel world of teenage Instagram curation and it is a harsh reality. Hey, how many hipster and geek dad t-shirts are too many hipster and geek dad t-shirts? Is there a Mad-Libs podcast? There is now. And we talk about Matt's butt. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

We're guessing you could use a laugh right now… Todd and Matt talk to you from the "before" side of the election with tales from Halloween – how do Todd's aging kids manage their transition into obnoxious trick or treating teens? And just how many Halloweens does Principessa Viva get to have?! Finally – Southsiders Todd and Matt break their silence over their shame and grief regarding the Cubs win. So. Much. Grief. Are you using our Amazon portal? This show is supported by viewers like you! (Thank you.) Matt is trying to buy new Barbies to replace the jank ones viva has – but is he slut-shaming inanimate objects? And in the paternity test kitchen – Todd, Matt, and special guest Alex Jay taste test some frozen food aisle abominations from the hoary depths of Walmart… The donut cheeseburger and the deep fried Twinkie! Are these culinary Chimeras palatable? Email us your thoughts to paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the paternity test hotline at 657-BAD-DADS!

The Dads, along with Viva, parse the abusive language of “It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, and examine the less popular entries into the series, like “Life Aboard the Mayflower Was Hell, Charlie Brown”, and “The Carter Era Was a National Malaise, Charlie Brown”. In “Scary Clowns”, the Dads announce the death of evangelical cartoonist Jack T. Chick, and do a dramatic re-enactment of the legendary “Dark Dungeons”. Plus, Alex's school issues a warning against would-be prairie clowns. In “School Days with a Z”, the Dads discuss the history of disaster drills at schools, and Todd wonders if he should Tiger down on his son, who is disappointing his Dad by merely getting straight As. Matt's browsing Amazon for a respectable doorstop – Todd suggest Matt lean towards Todd's favorite weight: complex maritime knots. And finally, in “Holidon'ts”, Matt shares his first (disastrous) corn maze experience with Todd, a famous hater of corn mazes, because mankind is not the master of water, nor space, nor corn. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

If the meat tower topples, everyone loses. I hope you all realize that we were tracking Scary Clowns long before they were the new Shark Attacks. We have always been here for you, in our Clown Proof Bunker, waiting with open arms. Todd has lost 20 pounds on the “Overpriced Herb Capsule and Starvation” diet! Halloween means buying costume – buy yours on the Amazon portal and keep this show going! Matt continues his adventures on campus by placing his mouth under the soft serve spigot for three weeks. This can't end well. E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS!

If the clowns haven't carved out your innards with a balloon sword yet, it's time for a new episode! Matt has moved onto a college campus and is deeply ashamed to have left the city. What's a metrosexual without the metro? Just a “sexual”? Todd watches the debates with his kids and becomes so deeply depressed he decides to start a third political party. Perhaps you'd like to join? E-mail us your thoughts at paternitypodcast@gmail.com or call the Paternity Test hot line at 657-BAD-DADS! Thanks for listening!

The Paternity Podcast is the only podcast about brunch-flavored candy corn you'll ever need. It's an old bit but a good bit - Todd's up to Tooth Fairy business again – and stuff just got real with Ellie's investigations. Are Chicken Fries fries? Are Cheetohs toes? Are Cheetoh Chicken Fries gross? A TPT investigation – plus: brunch flavored candy corn? What fresh hell is this? Professor Foster is buying potpourri, and the supersmellers in the house are none too happy. And – Apple watches, do they make you even jerkier than phones? Like our page on Facebook, follow us @thedadtest on Twitter, and check out our Instagram! Call us on our hotline or e-mail a question or comment to paternitypodcast@gmail.com

Is Yelp going to date itself by listing Pokestops and places which accept corrupt fake electronic currency? Todd's cloister bell has gone off signaling he has surpassed his maximum acceptable level of obesity. Kelly has suggested he start taking her wildly expensive shakes full of pretend medicine. Clowns are luring children into the woods in the south. Well, clowns or persons dressed as clowns. One of the two. And Matt and Professor Foster have met their superior doppelgangers at Viva's new non-hippie, mostly-nerd fancy preschool, which crushes their massive and fragile egos. Like our Facebook, follow us on Twitter @thedadtest or on Instagram, and remind your friends that this is the best show ever. Thanks for listening!

It's our first show officially a man down. We're sad about it – but we're funny clowns who only weep on the inside – so we think we've put together a funny episode for you! The Olympics are over, but not before the world got to enjoy a world-class walking-fast-while-wiggling-your-butt competitor soil himself on television. Watch our for that hurled sponge! Consumer alert: Whilst shopping for an iPad case, Matt discovers that scanning Happy Meal toys is a giant scam. Todd realizes that, with his kids growing older, this academic year will be naught but a gauntlet of sad goodbyes and ugly cries. It's enough to make Todd and Kelly ready for assisted living. The Fast Food Industrial complex has created some grotesque new golems to destroy us – including Burger King's pre-chewed Whopper wrap and Taco Bells' ground beef chicken pouch. Todd is decidedly pro “meat container”, though, and the Dads conceive new meat platforms. Speaking of greasy meat, Matt's naughty bits react poorly to his new shorty swimsuit, so the Dads do some Googling and learn that swimsuit lining is a clear and present danger to our nation's manhood. Join us, won't you?

Welcome back! It's been a while, but here we are, in all our middle-aged glory. Pokemon Go is sweeping the world. Except for Syracuse. And the Western Suburbs. And… Matt may have murdered a bird by climbing a tree. At 41. In climbing gear. He used climbing gear to climb a tree. Then all of the women at the house wept at the possibility of the bird's demise, right before ingesting bird. Dave's kitchen is in its second year of renovation. Enough said. Todd's wife is spending a small fortune on a new diet and exercise regimen. Can his family sustain the monetary crunch, or will Todd have to pick his favorite child to send to college? Join us, won't you? We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at paternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

This week Matt podcasts live from First Ascent Chicago with special guest Taylor Wood, a fellow blogger for Chicago Parent. Join them as the discuss the corporatization of Lemonade stands, the cut throat underbelly of parking in Chicago neighborhoods and don't miss the on-air epic battle between two tiny superheros!

Welcome back! Dave's asleep again. Somehow, Matt and Todd pick up the pieces and move forward. Todd swears by Menthol Gold Bond on his inner thighs. He just can't seem to find the best angle by which to powder his groin. America's love affair with Hamilton has probably reached its half-life, but that didn't stop the Brookfield Zoo from naming a camel after the musical. Matt found a bunny hutch (nest?) in the garden of his daughter's pre-school. It was adorable, until God filled their home with water and drowned the bunnies. After sixteen years of use, Matt decided to throw out his swimsuit and buy a new pair on Amazon. Next he deals with angry comments about a recent blog post. Summer has begun, and Todd is beginning to lament how busy his children are. Michael Rice calls in and shares the saddest Howard Johnson's dining story ever. Michael also contracted coxsackie from his kid, which is disgusting. Join us, won't you? We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at paternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Matt and Todd record live at Brooklyn Boulders Chicago while their daughters preview Brooklyn Boulders Summer Camps and the Dads contemplate what they'll break first. Will it be their harness, the wall or their legs? They also explore other types of summer camp offerings, including one that will teach your children how to kill you in your sleep! Finally the dads get on the walls and recap their experience for you and try and figure out how their going to drive home now that they can't move their fingers. Join us, won't you? ​ We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. ​ Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! ​ Matt's got a man crush on broasted chicken. He finds a new broasted place by Todd's house, which happens to be the home of...a burger? Matt goes to an auction for his kid's Pre-K. Cue drunk bidding and keys in the fishbowl. Dave defends the existence of margaritas. Todd's vertebrae is decomposing in real time, which has led him to purchase countless traction devices that he demonstrates for Matt. Dave wants Car Talk to stop. Now. He can't stand the idea of listening to a dead host tell jokes. People keep hitting Dave's new car and it's slowly breaking his heart. Todd and his wife both fell asleep while sitting up in the middle of the day. The stroke center has been called.... ​ Join us, won't you? ​ We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. ​ Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! It's been a while. Matt hates New York-style pizza, but all the dads admit that the Brooklyn pizza box made out of pizza isn't the worst idea ever. Matt took his daughter to the Rainforest Cafe and Mars Cheese Castle in the same day. Tons of kitsch, tons of crayons, and, because of their seating, not nearly enough robot dinosaurs. Dave tells a tale of the saddest Friendly's ever. Amazon keeps recommending that Todd buys Kuba Kickz, which are basically brass knuckles that attach to your shoes. Between this and the Strike Spike, Todd's commute through suburbia will finally be safe. Dave is on Facebook again, but only to create pseudo-posts to troll for the lulz. A fan from London writes in and tells Matt to stop crying about Pre-K, as UK child care and Pre-K makes Chicago's look like its free. Todd's moving! Down the street. Next year. The best part is, he's only moving to be closer to his kids' schools. Join us, won't you? We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Suzy Qs are back, and they're even bigger garbage than the ones from your childhood. Dave saw Magic Leap augmented reality, and realized that it and nothing else is the future. Then he threw his Oculus Rift in the toilet, because really, what's the point? Todd bought his wife perfume, like a seventeen-year-old looking for a prom date. Matt's looking at several schools for his daughter, Viva. One's locked down like a prison because it's in Chicago. One is Catholic, so the steeple bursts into flames every time Matt walks in. The third is for billionaires, and made Matt sad to realize that rich people always win. Todd's daughter will not under any circumstances allow her loose teeth to be pulled out of her head. Thus, we have another great story about suffering in a dentist's chair. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook, on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! Long time, no talk. It's been so long, Todd forgot Dave was on the show. Todd just got back from Italy, where he had a delightful lunch in Sienna where people abuse horses. And out of 70 kids who went with him, he only had to leave one behind! Aside from the lighter trip back to the states, Todd also discusses the "pay as you go" bathrooms. Dave talks of a fake Darth Maul Netflix trailer that looked amazing, and then discusses the mean practical jokes he used to play on his parents. The new Star Wars (Rogue One) teaser looks amazing, but the diminishing returns of happiness are already being felt by all. Dave's kids don't know how to act at parties. In hindsight, this is probably because their father doesn't either. Matt's daughter's art abilities are de-escalating, reverting back to the talents of a toddler. Matt turns to the dads to help turn his shame into triumph. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! Wow. Hulk Hogan got a massive settlement from Gawker. Too bad Death has no other 80s wrestlers to visit. He better spend it soon. Dave doesn't yell at strangers anymore. This leads to a great story about Matt and a steak knife. Speaking of Matt and eating utensils. Matt can't handle how good Quaker Instant Oatmeal is. He has sworn off goose liver and caged lamb. Todd used to play on roofs as a child. Now he only goes up there to install missing shingles. This leads to Todd's hardware store grading system, based on their artisanal grape sodas. Matt's daughter has a new paddle at school that is used to tell children when you feel left out. It can also be used to appropriately beat the child who wields it. Lastly, Matt took his daughter to an enormous Cos Play event in Chicago, allowing Matt to pretend that he was dressing up as Luke Skywalker for his kid. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! Kids today don't know the difference between the 80s and 90s. To them, Michael J. Fox and David Spade are the same person. Lionel Richie should relax. You can't copyright the word used to answer a phone. Todd's family communes with Fuller House. Matt had to turn it off. Dave canceled his Netflix subscription so he didn't have to see the ads. Elvis is really, really dead. So dead that no one knows he existed. Matt's daughter wants to see his manhood. Matt said "no", but this raised larger questions of how to deal with anatomy lessons for Pre-K kids. Moms everywhere: It's your job to take your daughter to the public restroom. Time to get in line. Inside Out is dark. So, so dark. Dave doesn't see his kids anymore. To make up for it, he took them to paint expensive, cheap clay pots. Dave didn't take pictures, because he never takes pictures of his kids. Next he describes a ridiculous conspiracy theory about Reagan's shooting. The press sucks. So much that Trump is still running for president. Todd's son needs to bring one of his grades up. Todd tosses around ideas on how to get him back on track.   We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! Dave's ex-girlfriend taught him early that divorce is never the answer. Better to live in misery. Matt can't handle boys. Also, his daughter wanders onto a merry-go-round of the future, where every child on it can be crushed at once. Todd's going to Italy. Will the food there be safe? We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! Literary figures are dropping like flies. Where are the new literary heroes? It's youth baseball season, which means that it's time for Todd to buy shoe knives for his son. Hide your shins. Todd discusses his latest daddy-daughter dance. Chaos reigns as a teenage dunce DJ does everything he can to ruin the evening. Todd saves humanity by fixing the photo line. Matt's daughter refuses to listen to him. Ever.  Dave's daughter refuses to wear underwear. Ever. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! George Gaynes died! Who will save us from our refrigerators? Dave's house is cold. Matt must destroy a handsome, younger dad at his school. Todd goes to a daddy-daughter dance with his...daughter. Join us, won't you? We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! Todd decided to save money and skipped getting a Valentine's Day card for his wife. Now he can afford go the movies. By himself. Maybe he'll go see Deadpool with Matt, since that's where he spent Love Day with his wife. Dave went to his first Daddy-Daughter dance with his two four-year-old daughters. It went exactly how you would expect an evening centered around forced sentimentality to go. Todd broke his daughter's arm. And by that, we mean that Todd's family allowed his daughter to roller skate, wherein she broke her arm. Matt took his daughter to Disney World. Everything he does for her from now on will seem somehow less caring and joyful. Join us, won't you? We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! The dads discuss the Zika virus, and what it means for filthy, filthy Rio. Also, the Olympics are ridiculous. Dave and his wife have known each other for ten long, long years.  He has a hard time fathoming how he has gone from bartender/actor to respected educator and mini van owner. Todd wears a bib now to shave his face. This allows him to collect the hair and throw it practically anywhere he wants. Todd then realizes that he didn't actually  have fun cutting his grandfather's toenails. Matt and Professor Foster are taking their daughter to Disney World for a week. This will insure that no matter what happens, she'll have a happy childhood. The Dads watch scenes from The Apaches, a violent public service film for Britains of the 70s so that they don't play on farms. It's heinous. Todd allows his kids to watch filthy television like Family Feud, which apparently is chock-full of sexual innuendo and drug references. And Steve Harvey. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! Dave and Todd love COPS. What's not to like? Matt needs help fixing his house. He spends most of his update asking Todd and Dave how to feel like a man in his own home. They're interrupted by Matt's daughter, Viva, who is having a heart attack because Matt hasn't bought her enough iPad apps. The Dads listen to the new H. John Benjamin album. It's awful and wonderful. Todd bought Google Cardboard, which is way cooler than it sounds (Especially if you don't know what Google Cardboard is). His wife is out of town, so Todd has Matt and Dave interview his kids. Dave and his wife get a babysitter for the first time in four years.  He can't wait to do it again when his kids are eight. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back! Sesame Street is moving to HBO. Finally they'll be able to explore the adult themes that PBS was so vehemently against.  The dads then discuss how, no matter the channel, Sesame Street's segments are unwatchable. Dave's kids won't wipe themselves. Todd does some research to find that child deaths by toilet have been greatly exaggerated. Dave bought an electric toothbrush on Amazon, and has no gums left. Matt wants to expose his child to disturbing images in order to toughen her up like Gen-X'er. Todd gets a huge mole cut off of his back. Now there's a red scar instead of a brown one.  We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back to our humble show. The dads stumble upon a baby-making light switch that's supposed to be surgically inserted into your body. It's hilarious at parties.  Matt's daughter is being taught to share her feelings by tattling on her peers. So now, Matt is being humiliated at parties as his daughter narks out other kids for hurting her feelings.  Todd bought a new bat for his son. It's made from space-age technology, just like the bat he got last year, and the year before that. Bat technology is changing so fast, there's no way to use a bat more than three times. Just ask his daughter. All she wants is a cat, and it's never going to happen. Dave upgraded to an iPhone 5. Not a 5C. Not a 5S. A 5. He's in love with Instagram, which is good news for no one but him. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back. Oculus Rift is on its way, and if we put our money on anything, it's that life will become a compilation of headaches from constantly standing one inch from the television. Too bad for Oculus Rift that Google found a way to do it for free... It's winter in Chicago, and that means long commutes through barren gray wastelands. Todd heads to a hotel spa with strawberry water and Matt plans a trip to Florida for February. This is great, but it still leaves five months of winter misery. Matt is planning on taking his daughter to a low-rent Chuck-E-Cheese, complete with tattooed ticket vendors and animatronic mice with broken off appendages. Dave just takes his kids to look at animals in Pet Smart instead. Dave loves his new iPhone 5. It has 32 gigs of storage space, so he plans on using it to orbit an Apollo mission next month. Todd buys a new bat for his son that costs $150 more than you think the bat would cost. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome back!  Dave has never, in forty years, found a good time to sit down and watch It's a Wonderful Life. Who has two hours to kill on Christmas afternoon, really? Matt and Professor Foster decided that their daughter wanted a doll house for Christmas, and so they bought five of them.  Dave got his family out of Baltimore alive, but not before a six hour trip home, in which Josephine asked 9,359 questions and Cecilia barfed into a blanket.  Todd denied his daughter a kitten for Christmas, and has been waiting for four years to break the news to her that Santa is a myth. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail atpaternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

The dads are taking the week off to enjoy the unseasonably warm...wait. Oh, it's snowing now. Never mind. Well, we didn't record, so here's a New Year's message just for you!

Matt brings back action figures from the 80s that no one wanted. Micronauts. ROM Space Night. No idea? Then you get the idea. Dave's turning forty, which means he'll finally have to start spelling forty without a "u".  He doesn't know how he's supposed to feel, but how he feels is miserable. Matt looks like Jesus. Meanwhile, he interviews Dylan Lauren about her new candy shop in Chicago, and Viva got so much swag she developed Type-2 diabetes instantly. Also, Viva can't get enough of toilet talk, and it's driving Matt insane. Todd's daughter wants a cat, and she won't stop talking about it. It turns out she checkmated Todd by asking Santa for a cat and refusing to request anything else. No matter what, Christmas will be ruined for one of them. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at paternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it! 

Welcome back! Holy crap this is a good episode. Matt can't handle the White Castle Turkey Dinner Slider. Mainly because White Castle's are a time portal to planet filth. Butterball meat smothered in Bijou Sauce...what could make your mouth water more..for a glass of water. Todd can't figure out how to use Facebook in a way that isn't inherently Facebooky. He just wants to post a picture of his kid winning an award, but no matter how he posts it, he looks like a braggart jerk. Thanks Obama. Matt buys some lucky kid a Star Wars pancake mold. Or a waffle iron. Or a pancake mold. Or a waffle iron. Or... Matt killed it on Windy City Live. Todd came through in the clutch with glass-carrying skillz. Matt betrayed his own cool with a thousand-yard-stare into his beer glass on live television. Dave doesn't know what to do with his children now that it's December and there's no snow. Running on dry grass just doesn't seem like an option. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at paternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

This week, Todd and the dads remember Todd's father, Bob.

Welcome to Episode 19, and not a moment too soon. The dads discuss collectible mac and cheese boxes, and the idea that now there are dead Star Wars characters on the box. Dave regales the dads with a cautionary tale on not getting your '99 Honda tuned up. Matt figures out how the mom from Signs could have lived a long, happy life. Dave doesn't know why cops drive SUVs. The dads find the missing link between cavemen and the Commodores. It's a sculpture made by a blind girl in an 80s music video. Todd can't use gel deodorant. He hates the slime. Matt can't get enough of it, but he quickly moves on to the failure of his Italian IKEA bench.

Welcome back! Taco Bell now offers you their croissant taco. Good Lord. Daylight Savings Time is horrible, and Matt wastes that precious hour every year. He did catch an infomercial in the middle of the night for Butterball's indoor turkey frier. It's like fireworks, but for inside your house. Todd buys a ladder. For his house. A house he's owned for a decade. His first ladder.  Matt rearranges the federal holidays so that Americans get some breathing room between Thanksgiving and New Years. Finally, Todd redeems himself as a father by leading his family out of an intermediate corn maze. The problem is, his kids are too old to care. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at paternitypodcast@gmail.com.   And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest.   Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!

Welcome to Episode 17! Todd's garage is haunted by a toy that no one has played with for a decade. And it's angry. Todd's son is wearing a morph suit for Halloween this year with an orange wig. He's too young to date anyone or drive. He's too old to be cute and eat candy. So he decided to embody the awkwardness of junior high by covering his entire body in Spandex. Matt goes to too many parties for four-year-olds. He's purchased a stack of the same gift and created a rubric to meet the challenge. Dave regales the fathers with a tale of the worst pre-K birthday party ever. PSA's about forest fires used to be jacked up. Dave's kids now have their mattresses on the floor of his room. There is no worse failure. We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us an e-mail at paternitypodcast@gmail.com. And follow us on Facebook,on Twitter at @thedadtest, and on Instagram at thepaternitytest. Please Subscribe on iTunes and leave us a review. And tell a friend while you're at it!