Podcasts about affair healing

This series is sponsored by our friends Mira and Daniel Stokar.In this episode of the 18Forty Podcast, we talk to an anonymous guest about infidelity and its consequences and aftermath. Additionally, we receive the expertise of clinical psychologist Dr. Malika Bhowmik, on re-establishing intimacy after violations of trust. We love to tell teshuva stories that have perfect and happy endings, but sometimes the most meaningful teshuva does not fix all of one's problems immediately. In this episode we discuss: What does it mean to save a relationship that can no longer continue?How does one rebuild their religious identity after having their “good guy” image destroyed?Should an unfaithful spouse “come clean,” or should they “bear the brunt of the guilt” in secret?Tune in to hear a conversation about how we can strengthen our essential relationships and revitalize the excitement, joy, and sweetness of our religious lives. Interview with our anonymous guest begins at 16:10.Interview with Dr. Bhowmik begins at 1:49:00.Dr. Malika Bhowmik is a clinical psychologist in private practice, where she works with individuals and couples. Dr. Bhowmik received her doctorate in clinical psychology at the Graduate Center at City University of New York, where she wrote her dissertation on “A Grounded Theory Investigation of the Subjective Responses From Partners in Couples Where Infidelity Has Occurred.” Dr. Bhowmick was mentored by Esther Perel, LMFT, one of the most acclaimed thinkers and therapists on relationships, especially after crisis. References:Sin•a•gogue: Sin and Failure in Jewish Thought by David Bashevkinברגז רחם תזכור by David BashevkinSexaholics Anonymous: White BookAttached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel HellerSingle On Purpose: Redefine Everything. Find Yourself First by John Kim Lamentations 5Genesis 3Mating in Captivity by Esther PerelAfter the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis A. SpringThe State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel

Today we interviewed the counselor Diane Schroeder, MA, LPC who has a private practice in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Diane works with individuals and couples, and has a specialty in neurofeedback. Our focus of the talk was that we talked about working with couples where there has been an affair. Some key aspects we discussed were:Statistics regarding infidelityKey ways to work with couplesAdvice for those mentoring couplesHow to affair proof your marriageRESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST-After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust, Abrahams-Spring-Recovering From The Affair: Your Guide To Saving Your Marriage After Emotional of Physical Infidelity, Lee Baucom-Worthy of Her Trust: What You Need to Do to Rebuild Sexual Integrity and Win Her Back, Steve Arterburn-Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair, Carder & Townsend-The Forgiveness Factor, Gary ThomasWANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE?If you would like to talk to a pastor or person on staff about your marriage, please reach out to care@adabible.org. We would also love to hear from you as well as any future topics you would like us to talk about. RATE AND REVIEW If you enjoyed the podcast, please rate and review it on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. This will help by making it more accessible to those who may want to listen.SOCIAL MEDIA CONTACTSSamuel Jones - search for @wisdomcentercounseling on Instagram and FacebookDr. Kelly Bonewell - you can find him on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter

We interview Dr. Janis Spring, author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, which has sold over 600,000 copies in the past 26 years and has just been published in a third edition. Dr. Spring tells us about her approach to helping couples deal with infidelity, talks about some of the changes she's seen over the past decades, and tells us what's new in the third edition of her book.Then we pose a listener question to Dr. Spring: Is it cheating if he's using porn without his wife's knowledge?Send in your questions: email us at bruce@brucechalmer.com, or just visit brucechalmer.com. We'd love to hear from you!And let us know if you'd like to be interviewed on the show! Visit brucechalmer.com/podcast for more information.Dr. Chalmer's book Reigniting the Spark: Why Stable Relationships Lose Intimacy, and How to Get It Back is available here, or wherever you get your books.Like this podcast? Review us, like us, follow us, and do all those other kinds of wonderful things to us! It helps people find the show.Music: Besamim (Spices) by Bruce Chalmer, performed by Fyre and Lightning Consort 

Everyday Rockstar (0:00:00) Lisa and Richie talk with this week's featured Everyday Rockstar. You can nominate yourself or someone you know for going above and beyond by emailing thelisashow@byu.edu.   Women's Equality Day (0:06:51) Happy Women's Equality Day! Women's Equality Day celebrates the adoption of the 19thAmendment into the US Constitution, giving women the legal right to vote in our country. But what is the story behind the pain, struggle, and protesting that led to its eventual adoption? Joining us today is Neylan McBaine, woman's suffrage expert and author of “Pioneering the Vote”, her latest book detailing the story of lesser-known suffragists in Utah and in the West. She's here to discuss her new book and the importance of the history of women's suffrage.   Recovering From Infidelity (0:21:58) Approximately 1 in 5 married couples struggle with extramarital affairs. Infidelity can destroy families and cause immense heartache. Recovery may seem impossible. Whether you're trying to fix the marriage or decide to recover on your own and separate, healing is important. But it can be hard to know where to start. To help us navigate this issue, we've invited Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, a clinical psychologist of 43 years and author of “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful.”   Caregiver Burnout (0:32:51) When I think of a caregiver, I usually think of a parent responsible for a young child. However, caregivers really are anyone who provides, well, “care” for another individual. By definition, this often requires giving up a portion of your time and energy to ensure another's wellbeing—sometimes even to the exclusion of the caregivers own wellbeing. However, your needs as a caregiver are important as well. Here to discuss what these needs are, how to meet them, and how to avoid caregiver burnout is MSW, LSM, and best-selling author Edie Moser.   The Last Blockbuster on Earth (0:59:37) I love being able to rent movies online. Especially now—it's great to have that easy access. But I do get nostalgic for the days of video rentals. There was something magical about taking a trip to a Blockbuster, checking out the new releases, re-watching classics, and grabbing snacks. Unfortunately, you can no longer find a Blockbuster on every corner, but there is one corner—the last corner in the world—where you can relive those golden days. The last Blockbuster on earth is still operating out of Bend, Oregon! Here to tell us how they've been able to stick it out for so long is store manager, Sandi Harding.   Back to School Advice from a Teacher (1:14:31) School is right around the corner, which means the nerves our kids have been feeling about the new school year are becoming more and more real. It's important our kids start their classes off on the right foot. So, we thought we'd get a teacher's perspective on what students can do to succeed this year. Joining us today is veteran teacher Elizabeth Brockbank Hoffman. We're excited to get some advice from her as fall approaches.   Side Hustles (1:29:10) I love the innovation and creativity we've seen as a result of the difficulties of this year. And what has been really inspiring is seeing how people turn their creativity and hobbies into side hustles to lessen the blow of the economic downturn. Sometimes, however, we need a little advice on how to turn our banana bread making, or whatever hobby into an actual business. So today, we are getting advice from Alison from The Alison Show and the Awesome with Alison podcast on how to make your side hustle a booming success.

Can the Enneagram heal relationships? You bet it can. Listen in as Dr. E talks about her relationship with her daughter Tiffany.

Can the Enneagram heal relationships? You bet it can. Listen in as Dr. E talks about her relationship with her daughter Tiffany.

How do unfaithful partners typically respond differently than hurt partners after an affair? What constitutes an affair - intercourse? Instant messaging? Flirting? How can unfaithful partners take responsibility for the damage they caused and earn forgiveness?  These are just a few of the many questions that leave couples feeling confused about what to do after there has been an affair. Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD has beautifully answered these questions in her book, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. She normalizes and reassures couples about what they are going through in a way that gives them hope. That book has been incredibly successful and has sold over 500,000 copies. In addition to that she has written two other books which are linked below. She has been in practice for over 40 years in Westport, Connecticut.  Check out Dr. Spring's website at janisaspring.com Books After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To Life with Pop: Lessons on Caring for an Aging Parent The Couples Therapist Couch is the podcast for Couples Therapists about the practice of couples therapy. The host, Shane Birkel, interviews an expert in the field of couples therapy each week. Please subscribe to the podcast for more great episodes. See below for more information on the Couples Therapist Inner Circle. Get your free course called Working with Couples 101 Click here to join the Couples Therapist Couch Facebook Group Today's Sponsor The Couples Therapist Inner Circle This is the Membership Site for Couples Therapists. There is a workshop every month on topics like EFT, Gottman, Infidelity, and Working with Sex. Additionally there are regular question and answer sessions and opportunities to talk about cases.

Marcus Aurelius, the Great Stoic Roman Emperor, wrote, “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” I can hear you saying, what exactly does that mean Terah? This quote is all about how an obstacle in the path you are taking can look like a disaster but turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you because it required you to forge a new path that ended up being your calling. That is exactly what happened with our guest today. She was in a marriage that she thought was going great and then out of the blue she found out that her husband had an affair. This was devastating to her on many different levels. In her search for understanding and what to do next her journey to find the help she needed fell flat. The only message she got from what to do next was leave him, forgive him or stay with him. She felt that this was incomplete and she forged her own path to become an expert on how to help people recover after an affair. She is recognized as the leader in this field and her books have helped millions of people recover from the violation of trust resulting from an affair. She clearly reflects the Marcus Aurelius quote. I bet she never would’ve guessed when she was at her low after her affair that she would help millions of people recover like she did. Our guest today, Janis Abrahms Springs, Ph.D. is a board certified clinical psychologist and nationally acclaimed expert on issues of trust, intimacy, and forgiveness. Her first book, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, has sold more than a half million copies. Her second book, How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To, was a Books for a Better Life Award finalist in the category of Best Psychology Book and has sold more than one hundred thousand copies. Janis is a former clinical supervisor in the Department of Psychology at Yale University. She often serves as a guest expert in national media in places like Good Morning America, NPR, The New York Times, Huffington Post, Sirius XM Radio, and others like this amazing podcast. She presents regularly at venues such as The Smithsonian Institute, Harvard’s Continuing Education Conferences, and Smith College School of Social Work. I think you get the idea that she is a bad ass and you are in for a treat. If you have ever experienced an affair this is a special opportunity for you to learn how to forge your own path from the master. As a couples therapist, it was an absolute honor to talk with such an experienced, talented, and empathetic therapist as Janis.www.janisaspring.com

Marcus Aurelius, the Great Stoic Roman Emperor, wrote, “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” I can hear you saying, what exactly does that mean Terah? This quote is all about how an obstacle in the path you are taking can look like a disaster but turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you because it required you to forge a new path that ended up being your calling. That is exactly what happened with our guest today. She was in a marriage that she thought was going great and then out of the blue she found out that her husband had an affair. This was devastating to her on many different levels. In her search for understanding and what to do next her journey to find the help she needed fell flat. The only message she got from what to do next was leave him, forgive him or stay with him. She felt that this was incomplete and she forged her own path to become an expert on how to help people recover after an affair. She is recognized as the leader in this field and her books have helped millions of people recover from the violation of trust resulting from an affair. She clearly reflects the Marcus Aurelius quote. I bet she never would’ve guessed when she was at her low after her affair that she would help millions of people recover like she did. Our guest today, Janis Abrahms Springs, Ph.D. is a board certified clinical psychologist and nationally acclaimed expert on issues of trust, intimacy, and forgiveness. Her first book, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, has sold more than a half million copies. Her second book, How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To, was a Books for a Better Life Award finalist in the category of Best Psychology Book and has sold more than one hundred thousand copies. Janis is a former clinical supervisor in the Department of Psychology at Yale University. She often serves as a guest expert in national media in places like Good Morning America, NPR, The New York Times, Huffington Post, Sirius XM Radio, and others like this amazing podcast. She presents regularly at venues such as The Smithsonian Institute, Harvard’s Continuing Education Conferences, and Smith College School of Social Work. I think you get the idea that she is a bad ass and you are in for a treat. If you have ever experienced an affair this is a special opportunity for you to learn how to forge your own path from the master. As a couples therapist, it was an absolute honor to talk with such an experienced, talented, and empathetic therapist as Janis.www.janisaspring.com

How do unfaithful partners typically respond differently than hurt partners after an affair? What constitutes an affair - intercourse? Instant messaging? Flirting? How can unfaithful partners take responsibility for the damage they caused and earn forgiveness?  These are just a few of the many questions that leave couples feeling confused about what to do after there has been an affair. Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD has beautifully answered these questions in her book, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. She normalizes and reassures couples about what they are going through in a way that gives them hope. That book has been incredibly successful and has sold over 500,000 copies. In addition to that she has written two other books which are linked below. She has been in practice for over 40 years in Westport, Connecticut.  The Couples Therapist Couch is the podcast for Couples Therapists about the practice of couples therapy. The host, Shane Birkel, interviews an expert in the field of couples therapy each week. There is an episode released every Tuesday about the practice of couples therapy. Please subscribe to the podcast for more great episodes! If you enjoyed the episode please leave a rating and review on iTunes. Click here to join the Couples Therapist Couch Facebook Group. Check out Dr. Spring's website at janisaspring.com Books After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To Life with Pop: Lessons on Caring for an Aging Parent

On episode 129, Tray and Melody are joined by therapist Tim Tedder to discuss infidelity, betrayal, and affairs. Tim walks us through how he came into counseling, personal experiences that continue to impact him today, and how he brings hope and healing to wounded people around him. This is a truly impactful and resource-filled episode that you don’t want to miss. Prior to earning his Master’s Degree in Counseling from Indiana Wesleyan University. Tim spent nearly 20 years as a leader and teacher, focusing on spiritual and personal growth issues for individuals and families. In his speaking and counseling, he aims to creatively communicate a message of hope and healing to wounded people with a special focus on helping couples in crisis. This passion of helping to provide healing and hope to wounded people was made clear in his early 20s. Tim is a father and grandfather. He worked as a family therapist in Indiana before moving with his wife, Sharon, to Orlando in 2008 to join the staff of Charis Counseling Center. In 2009, he began developing Affairhealing.com, which has become a popular affair recovery resource for people around the world. In the summer of 2013, Time and Sharon started their own private practice: Currents Counseling Services, LLC. Tim is the Author of Affair Healing which is available for purchase at http://www.affairhealingbook.com/. The book provides chapters with guided activities, 18 worksheets, and a free download of Affair Healing: A Recovery Guide for Couples. Learn more about The Recovery Room podcast here. affairhealing.com/podcast.html For a FREE 5-day course and 50% off of Tim’s books for you our Undone Redone listeners, go to www.affairhealing.com/redone. Find out more about coaching available through Undone Redone at www.undoneredone.com/coaching. To learn more about the resources Melody has created to help women through betrayal visit www.Lifebeyondbetrayal.com or text lifebeyondbetrayal to 44222 to receive her 3 FREE videos. Don’t forget to see The Heart Of Man in theaters, October 17th, for its encore presentation! Find tickets and learn more at http://www.heartofmanmovie.com.  If you would like to become a monthly ministry partner to help support the show, please visit www.undoneredone.com/ministry-partners to make your tax-deductible gift securely online. Your gift helps us reach more people with Undone Redone's message of hope and reconciliation.

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The Synthesis Effect: Your Direct Path to Personal Power and Transformation with Dr. John McGrail John McGrail, PhD is a clinical hypnotherapist, self-improvement expert, and spiritual teacher. His unique therapeutic and teaching approach blends a life-long passion for understanding the human condition and spirituality with the experience and wisdom acquired through working with thousands of clients and students from all walks of life in his clinical practice and self-improvement/motivational seminars and workshops. His writing and expertise have been featured in/on Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Self, Women First, Experience Life, Whole Life Times, WebMD, LIVESTRONG.com, TLC, ABC News, and many others. His Website is www.hypnotherapylosangeles.com. Dr. McGrail resides in Los Angeles. http://drjohnmcgrail.comHealing Interpersonal Wounds with Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD, is a board certified clinical psychologist and acclaimed expert on issues of trust, intimacy, and forgiveness. Her first book, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, was a Books for a Better Life Award finalist in the categories of Best First Book and Best Relationship Book. She is also author of How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To and Life with Pop: Lessons on Caring for an Aging Parent. https://www.janisaspring.com

Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring—board-certified clinical psychologist and author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful—discusses what it takes for couples to move on after an affair, including: What drives a person to be unfaithful? What happens to the “hurt partner” after an affair is revealed? How can couples rebuild trust? How can couples restore intimacy in the bedroom?

Grab a reading or experience a little learning as you journey along with Dorothy with topics ranging from  Tarot, Aura, healing, Angels if you get lucky and any amount of Esoteric Exploration.  Every Month we have a special guest to play with their particular skill set so tighten your seat belts and get ready to rock.

What do you do when you’re in a relationship and your partner cheats on you? Or what if you’re the partner who has stepped out on your relationship? Does infidelity mean that things are over? Or...how do you bring things back into balance and heal your relationship - perhaps even get it to a place that’s better than it ever was? My hope is that you’re getting the tools that you need to thrive in your relationship here on the podcast. Of course I also want to ensure that you have the information that you need in order to repair your relationship when things go wrong. Perhaps no problem impacts relationships more than infidelity. So whether you’ve experienced it in the past, or it’s going on in the present - this episode is for you. And, if you’re thinking about having an affair, I want to take a moment to encourage you to find a way to address the problems in your relationship directly. Believe me, even though a relationship that survives infidelity can be even stronger than it was before, it’s way easier to just tackle things head-on and avoid all of the hurt and trust issues that come from an affair. Today’s guest is one of the world’s experts on the topic of infidelity - and how to heal in its aftermath. Her name is Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, and she is the author of the Bestselling book “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner has been Unfaithful”. She is also the author of two other books: “How Can I Forgive You, The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To,” and “Life with Pop: Lessons on Caring for an Aging Parent.” Her book “After the Affair” has sold over 500,000 copies, and is full of insightful, relevant information about what to do if your relationship has been impacted by infidelity. Today, Dr. Janis Abrams Spring and I cover the following: What constitutes infidelity in a relationship? There is no one definition for what constitutes infidelity; rather every couple must define it together. Infidelity is not necessarily about sex, it is also about secrets, intimacy, and trust. Whatever someone’s definition of cheating is, most people know when they are violating their partner.  Feeling unsure if you are crossing a boundary? As a general rule, imagine that your partner were in the room looking over your shoulder- if you are uncomfortable with them witnessing what you are doing, saying, or how you are being then you can assume you are doing something that would hurt them and is violating an implicit sense of trust in your relationship. Create a secrets policy. Don’t wait for something to happen, speak early and openly with your partner about infidelity, and come together to create a working definition before any situation or threat occurs. Talk about what is permissible and what isn’t, and see how your perspectives align. Some couples have understandings and permissions around certain secrets, while others choose to share everything. Be proactive in your relationship by starting this dialogue now! Working out these agreements does not necessarily have to come from a fear-based place, but can instead be a loving and empowered step towards building resilience, and trust. NOTE: Don’t forget to include cyber affairs in this conversation. What constitutes an affair when you don’t actually meet or touch the other person? What level of flirtation is okay with you? There is no blanket rule here - each couple needs to define the boundaries together and make sure they are on the same page. Why do people have affairs? While apologies, recommitting, and choosing monogamy are all important steps in repairing after infidelity, one of the most critical tasks post affair is to understand why the affair happened in the first place. Likely there were multiple reasons. This is going to require taking an honest and deep look at yourself, and your relationship and be willing to get very clear about your vulnerabilities. It will not be easy, or comfortable, but try to create a list/an inventory of contributing factors - and search to find out what your actions say about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. Remember that affairs are often less about the attraction to the other person, and more an attraction the unfaithful partner has to certain parts of themselves and the way they get to be with this new person.  They may feel seen, validated, care for, and desired in ways that they have long been aching for. Degree of responsibility: Repairing after an affair requires the couple to come together in an effort to collaborate, clarify, and recommit. It takes two to tango, as they say, and nothing is a one-way deal in relationships. That said, it is important for the hurt partner to also take the time and risk of looking at themselves and understanding what responsibility they had in contributing to the vulnerabilities that may have let an affair occur. Each partner must willingly search for ways they each contributed to the space between the couple that made room for another person to come in. This is sobering work and a challenging process, and must be addressed and explored with compassion and passion so that the hurt partner does not get double slammed, first by the affair itself and then with the belief that somehow they are to be blamed for it happening. Though painful, there is enormous potential for growth and transformation in the process if the couple is open to learning from the affair and working to create a new beginning! Willingness leads to recovery! Share your concerns and your vulnerabilities with your partner. One of the most empowering and effective ways to avoid an affair, is to willingly take the risk of communicating your needs and desires with your partner, before they take on a life of their own. If you are feeling unheard, unloved, frustrated, disappointed, etc., go to your partner and say something like “I love you and want to be in this, and yet, what is happening right now is challenging for me and is making me vulnerable to look for someone else’s attention! I want to look at this together and figure it out”. This way you are voicing your concerns early, enrolling your partner in a collaborative and creative process, and allowing your partner a chance to respond and change their actions accordingly. Infidelity does not necessarily mean the end of your relationship. There is no way to predict whether you are in a relationship that can weather an affair or not, however there are some key questions you can consider. Ask yourself and each other- Are we willing to do the work that is necessary to rebuild our relationship? Are we really ready to understand each other’s hurts and needs? Are we willing to change the way we treat each other? How willing am I to learn from this catastrophe and grow from it? If you do choose to stay, you will necessarily and inevitably learn to be a better partner, and you will have a new marriage to the same person (this time, with new skills). “Infidelity is often the deathblow to a relationship. But it can also be a wake-up call, challenging couples to confront the issues that led to the affair and build a healthier, more intimate relationship than before.” Janis Abrahms Spring Will I ever love and trust my partner again? This question is where the process of healing usually starts. The beginning will likely be like walking through a black cloud - there will be times when you will lose your way and time when you will feel that you cannot recover. While it is not in the best interested of each couple to recover, the couples that do succeed are the ones that keep walking through the difficulty. Not skirting around it, not going under it, not trying to rise above it, but drudging through the thick of it. Even through the despair, the pessimism, the unloving moments, they continue to hold on. It can take a year and a half of rollercoastering before people really feel like they are going to make it. Watch out for emotional reasoning! Our feelings do not necessarily forecast the future. If you feel desperate and hopeless this does NOT necessarily mean there is no hope. If you feel distrust this does not necessarily mean your partner is untrustworthy. If you find yourself really confusing thinking and feeling, or projections with reality, slow down and take time to look inward and outward from multiple perspectives. Revealing an affair- Again, there are no rules when it comes to if, or how you tell your partner you are having an affair. As you consider whether you will reveal cheating, it is important to be very thoughtful, and to remember the fact that the person you share a secret with is the one you are closer with, meaning that by keeping your partner in the dark you are continuing to choose to be emotionally connected with the person you had an affair with. By coming clean with your partner you allow them the freedom to make their own decision about what they want to do. Whether or not you tell your partner, you still must figure out why you cheated and be willing to look at your internal stuff and share any grievances and needs with your partner in order to allow the relationship to grow and to avoid continued infractions. What is TMI (Too Much Information)? As the hurt person you might have an initial instinct to want to know every single detail about your partner’s affair. It is usually not required or generative however for you to need to know everything. Breathe, and ask yourself: what is good for me to know? Is knowing this/that going to help me or hurt me? If there is nothing good that is going to come of a specific detail, it is best to leave it for the time being, as you can always ask more questions down the road. By looking at the motivation behind your questions, you can avoid unnecessary hurt and pain and details that will live on in your dreams and in your psyche. As the unfaithful partner, it is your responsibility to trust your partner’s questions, and to try your best to answer their questions on the level they are asking them. And always be respectful with the truth. Getting the other out of your life and out of your relationship - Whether the affair person is literally in the picture or not, they will continue to remain present in the couple’s life, and in their bedroom, psychologically and emotionally for quite some time. That said, another important step in the healing process for a couple reuniting and repairing after an affair is to cut ties with the affair person. Ritualize this and make it as clean and concrete as possible. Perhaps this means having a symbolic funeral for the lover in which you make a formal ending. This can be in many forms - the essential elements being that you clearly state the expected and intended ending of your affair. Often the unfaithful partner will write a letter or an email to the person they engaged in the affair with, stating that they are no longer going to contact or accept contact. Be respectful - it is counterproductive to be cruel, or to minimize what happened. Allow your partner to read over what you write and discuss it before sending. Transparency, now, is key. Trust is built on concrete behaviors. Trust is not built on verbal reassurances (“Trust me, honey”) but on concrete behavior that communicates to the hurt partner that they are now safe, and hopefully will allow them to feel more comfortable and connected. The list of behaviors and gestures that help to rebuild trust relationships are vast, and most effective when personalized and defined through dialogue in the couple. Create a list together! Examples include telling your partner immediately when you have heard from or encountered the affair person, acknowledging anniversary dates and places related to affair, and letting your partner know when you are experiencing emotions that have been triggers for escape in the past. Resources Read Janis’ recent book After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful Read her other book How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To To learn more and get in touch with Janis, check out her website www.janisaspring.com www.neilsattin.com/affair Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide and qualify to win a free signed copy of After the Affair. Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

Tim Tedder interviews Tim & Lori about their current journey of recovery from Lori's affair. Each shares a unique perspective of marriage on the other side of infidelity. Episode Info & Resources at: AffairHealing.com/podcast105

We’re taught that forgiveness is good for us, that it’s what good people do. But if you’ve experienced betrayal or hurt and the responsible party demonstrates little remorse, forgiveness may seem impossible. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring would argue that acceptance is a viable alternative to forgiveness, allowing you to stop obsessing over the injury, get healthy and heal. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring is a board certified clinical psychologist and renowned expert in the realm of trust, intimacy and forgiveness. She has been in private practice for 40-plus years, earning the Connecticut Psychological Association’s Award for Distinguished Contribution to the Practice of Psychology and the Connecticut Marriage and Family Therapy’s Award for Distinguished Service to Families. Dr. Spring often serves as a guest expert in the national media, appearing in The New York Times, Huffington Post, Good Morning America and NPR, among others. She is also the award-winning author of After the Affair, How Can I Forgive You? and Life with Pop. Today, Dr. Spring joins Katherine to discuss some of the common scenarios she encounters in her practice. She explains the nature of a sincere apology and how the ‘hurt partner’ can adopt acceptance as an alternative to forgiveness. Dr. Spring describes strategies to help you stop obsessing over an injury and offers her approach to being honest with your kids—without putting them in the middle. Listen in to understand how you can move forward from a place of power without being reactive and learn Dr. Spring’s approach to reconciliation and forgiveness. Topics Covered Common scenarios Dr. Spring has encountered in her practice • Couples deciding whether to divorce • ‘Hurt partner’ comes by themselves • Earn forgiveness without reconciliation The specific, deep and personal nature of a sincere apology How acceptance can serve as an alternative to forgiveness Why forgiveness is reserved for an offender who makes good The tools for overcoming the rumination of an injury How to choose a level of relationship with an ex in the absence of forgiveness The damage caused by putting kids in the middle of warring parents How to honor your truth without dragging your kids into the conflict How to move forward from a place of power without being reactive Dr. Spring’ steps to forgiveness and reconciliation 1. Compose hurt list 2. Write apology letter 3. Ask, ‘Why did I do it?’ 4. Build trust on concrete behaviors Connect with Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring Dr. Spring’s Website: https://www.janisaspring.com/ Email drjaspring@gmail.com Call (203) 227-4771 Resources After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis A. Spring: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0062122703/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0062122703&linkCode=as2&tag=jaabspphdab-20 How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis A. Spring: https://www.amazon.com/How-Can-Forgive-You-Courage-ebook/dp/B000XUBCBI/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1494097936&sr=1-1&keywords=how+can+i+forgive+you Life with Pop: Lessons on Caring for an Aging Parent by Janis A. Spring and Michael Spring: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Pop-Lessons-Caring-Parent/dp/1583333959/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1494098081&sr=1-1 Connect with Katherine Miller The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/ Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/ Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1 The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller: https://www.amazon.com/New-Yorkers-Guide-Collaborative-Divorce/dp/0692496246 Email: katherine@westchesterfamilylaw.com Call (914) 738-7765