After the Affair

Betrayal leaves behind more than heartbreak, it leaves questions that echo in your mind day and night. “Was it real?” “Did I miss the signs?” “Is this my fault?” “Will I ever trust again?” In this episode, I, Luke Shillings, walk you through the most common thoughts and questions that come up in the aftermath of infidelity, based on real conversations from hundreds of discovery calls and coaching sessions. Whether you're feeling stuck in self-doubt, unsure what to believe, or just desperate to feel normal again, this episode is for you. We'll explore where these thoughts come from, why they're so persistent, and what it actually takes to rebuild trust, not just in your partner, but in yourself.  

Have you ever been told you're too emotional, or secretly believed it yourself? If conflict overwhelms you, if you shut down or spiral in arguments, if you find yourself apologising just for feeling… this episode is for you. Luke explores how what looks like emotional reactivity is often a learned survival strategy, rooted in fear, not dysfunction. From childhood patterns to nervous system responses, you'll gain insight into why certain emotions feel unbearable and how to build the capacity to stay with them without losing yourself. This episode is not about shrinking your feelings. It's about expanding your ability to hold them.

You know your partner's betrayal wasn't your fault. You understand the logic. But still, deep down, you're stuck. Still needing reassurance. Still bracing for the next emotional shift. Still terrified of being too much, or not enough. Why? Because some of what you're feeling didn't start with them. In this episode, Luke explores how emotional survival strategies from childhood shape the way we respond to betrayal, uncertainty, and intimacy as adults. If you've been chasing reassurance, battling emotional spirals, or waiting for your partner to give you the peace you can't seem to find, this episode is for you. It's not about blame. It's about awareness. And reclaiming the power you forgot you had.

When you suspect infidelity but don't have the proof, it can feel like you're living in emotional limbo, caught between your gut and your guilt. In this episode, we unpack the messy, painful, and very human experience of wondering whether something's going on behind your back. You'll learn how to stop spiralling and start grounding, why your feelings are valid even without confirmation, and how to begin reclaiming trust in yourself, no matter what happens next. If you're frozen in fear or stuck in overanalysis, this is your lifeline.   You don't need “proof” to honour your pain, suspicion itself creates emotional distress worth tending to. Overanalysis feels like control, but often creates more confusion and disconnect from your truth. Grounding and anchoring practices help shift you from obsession to self-alignment. The path forward begins by asking: “What do I need?” instead of “What are they hiding?” Clarity doesn't always come from answers, it comes from reconnecting with your values, boundaries, and self-trust.   What would it look like to honour yourself in this moment, without needing all the answers? Share your reflections with us or journal about the question:

When betrayal shatters your world, knowing where to start can feel overwhelming. In this episode, Luke breaks down a simple yet powerful framework to help you regain clarity, direction, and strength, The ABCs of Infidelity Recovery: Acceptance, Boundaries, Compassion.   These three pillars aren't just concepts. They're tools. Tools to help you stay grounded when your emotions spiral. Tools to help you protect yourself, reconnect with your truth, and create healing on your own terms. Whether you're rebuilding your relationship or choosing a new path, this episode offers the emotional clarity you've been craving.  

You were the one who was lied to. The one who was betrayed. And yet somehow… you're the one walking on eggshells. Afraid to say too much. Afraid to bring it up again. Afraid of looking paranoid, insecure, or like you're the problem. If you've ever told yourself, “I can't say anything,” this episode is for you. In today's conversation, Luke explores the hidden fear many betrayed partners carry, the fear of speaking their truth. Whether you're still in the relationship or not, if you've been silencing your voice to protect someone else's comfort or to avoid the pain of confirmation, this episode will meet you right where you are. Because silence might feel safer… But it comes at the cost of your clarity, your peace, and your self-trust.

There are moments when it all feels like too much, when the pain of betrayal, the weight of healing, or the sheer exhaustion of trying to hold it together leaves you questioning your strength. In those moments, the most important decision you can make is not to fight harder, or fix everything, or know exactly what to do. The most important decision is to not abandon yourself. In this episode, Luke offers a deeply grounded reminder: You don't have to be fully healed to keep going. You don't need all the answers to stay. But you do need to stay in the room with yourself. This is your invitation to light a candle in the dark, to choose presence over escape, and to remember, you are worth not giving up on.

After betrayal, it's natural to want answers. Will they cheat again? Will we make it through this? Will I ever feel okay again? We fixate on the outcome, hoping that if we could just know where this ends, we'd finally be able to breathe. But in this episode, Luke explores a powerful truth: Clarity doesn't come from predicting the future, it comes from how you show up in the present. Letting go of the outcome isn't about giving up, it's about reclaiming your peace, your power, and your presence. Because the most important question isn't “What will happen?”, it's “Who do I want to become in this?” This episode is an invitation to stop gripping the wheel of a parked car, and to start living from a place of grounded self-trust—even when the ending is still unknown.

After betrayal, many people feel like they're walking around under a spotlight, like everyone is watching, whispering, judging. But here's the truth: it's not always their judgement that holds you back, it's your perception of it. In this episode, Luke unpacks how imagined judgement can shape your behaviour, limit your authenticity, and keep you stuck in cycles of shame and silence. More importantly, he reveals how to reclaim your voice and your freedom by learning to question the real critic, the one inside. Whether you're the betrayed or the unfaithful partner, or just someone carrying shame and fear about what others think… this episode will help you reconnect with the only opinion that truly matters: your own.

We're wired to crave certainty. Especially after betrayal, when everything familiar suddenly feels fragile, we reach for something solid, answers, guarantees, anything that promises safety. But here's the truth: You don't need certainty to heal. You need self-trust. In this episode, we explore how your relationship with uncertainty is the very foundation of growth, clarity, and transformation. Because while control might feel comforting, real peace comes from knowing you can handle the unknown, even without a clear map. Whether you're asking “Should I stay or go?”, “Will I ever be okay?”, or “How do I know they won't do it again?”—this conversation is for you. Key Takeaways: ✔️ Why your brain craves certainty, and how that instinct can keep you stuck. ✔️ The emotional cost of trying to control outcomes you can't guarantee. ✔️ How clinging to the familiar blocks growth, healing, and self-discovery. ✔️ Why self-trust matters more than clarity—and how to build it. ✔️ A simple mindset shift to help you walk with the unknown instead of fighting it.

We all say we don't want to waste time, yet most of us do, especially after infidelity. We get stuck in waiting: waiting for clarity, waiting for healing, waiting for someone else to change. But here's the truth: time is the only resource you can't get back. Imagine if every morning, you were given £1,440 to spend, but by midnight, anything left unused disappeared forever. Would you waste it? Would you ignore it? Would you give it away carelessly? That's exactly how time works. You get 1,440 minutes a day, and whatever you don't use with intention is gone forever. In this episode, we explore: ✔️ The currency of time, how we spend it, waste it, and give it away without realising it. ✔️ Why waiting is an illusion and how it keeps you stuck in post-infidelity limbo. ✔️ How to stop ‘saving' time for later and start spending it wisely—right now. ✔️ The biggest mindset shift to reclaim control over your future.

After infidelity, it's easy to feel like you have to do something, have to leave, have to stay and fix things, have to forgive to move on. Society, family, and even your own mind push you to believe there's a “right” decision you must make. But here's the truth: You don't have to do anything. You only have to choose. In this episode, we break down the illusion of obligation, why so many people feel trapped in expectations about healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation, and how to shift from feeling forced to feeling free. Because once you realise that everything is a choice, you stop being a victim of betrayal and start reclaiming your power. Key Takeaways: ✔️ The difference between true needs and false obligations, why most things you think you must do are actually choices. ✔️ How ‘shoulds' (I should forgive, I should move on) are just internalized expectations—not universal truths. ✔️ Why waiting for clarity is actually a fear response keeping you stuck in limbo. ✔️ How to break free from guilt-driven decision-making and start making choices that align with your values. ✔️ A simple mindset shift that will give you back control over your healing process.

After infidelity, it's almost impossible not to compare yourself to the affair partner. Were they more attractive? More exciting? Did they have something you didn't? The mind starts ranking you against them, like a game of Top Trumps, where someone's ‘stats' must be higher. But here's the truth: this mindset is a trap. In this episode, join me Luke Shillings as I break down why we compare ourselves to the affair partner, why it makes us feel worse, and how to stop measuring our worth based on someone else's actions. Because the reality is, infidelity isn't about someone being ‘better', it's about circumstances, unmet needs, and choices. If you've ever asked yourself, “What do they have that I don't?”—this episode is for you. Key Takeaways: ✔️ Why we instinctively compare ourselves to the affair partner. ✔️ The Top Trumps Effect—why we rank ourselves in different ‘categories' of worth. ✔️ The illusion of ‘better'—why affair partners aren't the reason for the betrayal. ✔️ How to shift from comparison to confidence in your self-worth. ✔️ Practical steps to stop the self-doubt spiral.

Desire can feel overwhelming, especially when you're caught up in an affair or emotional connection outside your primary relationship. It can seem like the attraction is uncontrollable like you have no say in what you feel. But what if I told you that while desire may not be a choice, what you do with it always is? In this episode, we're diving deep into the relationship between desire and choice. Whether you're struggling with an affair or facing unrequited love, this episode is all about regaining control. We'll explore how to acknowledge your emotions without letting them define your actions, and how to make decisions that align with your values, not just your feelings. Key Takeaways: ✔️ Desire is instinctive, but choice is always in your hands. ✔️ Why people in affairs or toxic relationships often feel like they have no control—and how to reclaim it. ✔️ The emotional brain vs. the rational brain: Why attraction and action aren't the same thing. ✔️ How to separate what you feel from what you do, and why it matters for your future. ✔️ Steps to take back control of your relationships, values, and actions moving forward.

Betrayal isn't just about broken trust, it's about identity. For many men, their sense of self is built on strength, control, and loyalty. But when infidelity happens, it doesn't just hurt, it threatens everything they thought they knew about themselves. In this episode, I explore the ego's role in betrayal recovery, why the pain runs so deep, and how to shift from ego-driven reactions (anger, control, blame) to true healing. If you've ever felt like infidelity shattered who you are, this conversation is for you. Key Takeaways: ✔️ The male ego and how it shapes our response to betrayal. ✔️ Why infidelity often feels like an identity crisis, not just a relationship issue. ✔️ How ego-driven reactions (denial, control, revenge) keep you stuck. ✔️ Shifting from What does this say about me? to Who do I choose to be now? ✔️ Rebuilding self-trust and moving beyond external validation.

Feeling trapped between two impossible choices? Whether it's staying in a relationship after betrayal or walking away, deciding whether to tell the full truth or keep things buried, or any other major life decision, binary thinking can make it seem like there are only two options, when, in reality, there are more. In this episode, I explore how black-and-white thinking limits your ability to make the best decision for your future, why your brain naturally defaults to false dilemmas, and how to open up new possibilities that you might not have considered. What You'll Learn: Why binary thinking feels so real, and why it's rarely accurate. How emotions can distort the way you see your choices. The impact of cognitive rigidity on decision-making, especially after infidelity. How to step back and find third (or fourth) options that align better with your personal needs. Practical exercises to help you break free from “either/or” thinking and make more empowered decisions. Key Takeaways:

What if you could curate your thoughts like a bookshop owner curates their shelves? In this episode of After the Affair, I explore the power of intentional thinking using the metaphor of a bookshop. Your thoughts, like books, fill the shelves of your mind, but not all of them deserve to be displayed prominently. Some belong in the archives, while others should be highlighted as bestsellers. We'll talk about how to manage your mental library after betrayal, replacing self-defeating narratives with ones that support growth and healing. I'll introduce you to two roles you play in your mental world: the Bookshop Owner and the Publisher, each with a critical role in shaping the way you process pain and move forward. If you've been stuck in repetitive, painful thoughts after betrayal, this episode will help you rethink the stories you've been telling yourself and show you how to start rewriting them. Key Takeaways: Curate Your Mental Shelves: Identify thoughts that uplift and support you, and clear out the ones that keep you stuck in pain. Meet Your Inner Publisher: Review raw thoughts and refine them into beliefs that reflect your values and support healing. Challenge Self-Limiting Narratives: Replace thoughts like "I'm not good enough" with more compassionate, growth-oriented alternatives. The Power of Thoughtful Reflection: Healing requires intention, curiosity, and compassion, not perfection. Regular Shelf Maintenance: Learn how daily, weekly, and long-term reflection can help you maintain a mental environment conducive to growth. Reflective Question: Which of your current thoughts deserve to be on display, and which are taking up space without serving you? Join the Conversation: What thought have you been displaying prominently that you'd like to replace with something new? Share your reflections with me on social media or in the After the Affair community. Download your FREE bookshop guide to thinking here: https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/form/uQxbaujnnELzSJFMgRLq Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Do you ever feel like the evidence for your worst fears is everywhere? Whether it's comments on social media or your own inner dialogue, it can feel impossible to escape the idea that you'll never heal, your relationship is doomed, or you're simply unworthy of love. But here's the truth: what you're experiencing isn't reality, it's confirmation bias. In this episode, we're breaking down how confirmation bias works, how it keeps you stuck in cycles of fear and self-doubt, and most importantly, how to break free. You'll learn practical steps to challenge fear-driven thoughts, see situations more clearly, and replace negativity with balanced perspectives that fuel growth and healing. If you're tired of being trapped by your fears, this episode will show you how to take back control. Key Points & Takeaways: What is Confirmation Bias? A cognitive shortcut where we subconsciously favour information that supports our existing beliefs, even if those beliefs are harmful or untrue. Quote: "The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend." — Robertson Davies. The Impact of Confirmation Bias: Keeps you stuck in cycles of fear, self-doubt, and guilt. Reinforces harmful beliefs like, “I'll never recover,” or “This relationship is doomed.” Blocks opportunities for growth and healing by ignoring evidence that contradicts your fears. Breaking Free from the Fear Trap: Awareness: Notice when you're seeking out proof of your fears instead of truth. Challenge the Thought: Ask yourself, “Is there evidence against this belief?” Seek Balanced Perspectives: Surround yourself with voices and resources that encourage growth, not just validation of negativity. Big Idea: What you focus on grows. By challenging confirmation bias, you can break free from fear-driven cycles and embrace healing and personal growth. This week, challenge yourself to catch one fear-driven thought and ask: Is there evidence against this belief that I'm ignoring? What's one positive perspective I can explore instead? What would I tell a friend in my situation? Share your experience with me in the After the Affair Community on Facebook, or message me on Instagram. Let's work on breaking these patterns together.   Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this episode of After the Affair, we explore a powerful metaphor, the “glass wall.” It's the invisible barrier that betrayed partners often build after infidelity. From the outside, it looks like openness and connection, but from the inside, it's a shield, keeping you emotionally safe but painfully disconnected. We'll unpack how these walls form, how they evolve from solid brick to deceptive glass and the signs that you might still be behind one. Most importantly, we'll discuss how to start dismantling the glass wall, brick by brick, to foster true vulnerability, connection, and healing in your relationship. Whether you're a betrayed, or unfaithful partner, this episode is a must-listen for anyone navigating the complexities of rebuilding trust and intimacy after betrayal. Key Takeaways: The progression from a brick wall to a glass wall: why it happens and how it impacts relationships. Signs you're living behind a glass wall and how it might keep you stuck in pain. Why safety can feel comforting but comes at the cost of connection and intimacy. Practical strategies to recognize and begin dismantling the emotional barriers that prevent true healing. Reflective Questions: Do you feel emotionally safe but disconnected in your relationship? Are there walls—brick or glass—that you've built to protect yourself? What small step could you take this week toward vulnerability and connection? Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this heartfelt episode, we sit down with “Alan” and “Ann” (pseudonyms to protect their privacy) as they candidly share their ongoing journey of healing after infidelity in their 39-year marriage. Their story highlights the complexity of betrayal, the challenges of rebuilding trust, and the resilience required to hold space for one another amidst profound pain. We delve into: The emotional fallout of infidelity and the layers of deception. How low self-esteem and secrecy played a role in Alan's choices. Ann's navigation of conflicting emotions, anger, empathy, sadness, and hope. The pivotal moments that led them to communicate more openly and authentically. The role of boundaries, patience, and grace in their path forward. This conversation is a powerful reminder that healing is rarely linear, but with vulnerability, honesty, and effort, it is possible to rebuild and redefine a relationship. Reflective Question: What role does communication play in your healing journey, and how can you create space for both honesty and grace? Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

What is it about an affair that feels so intoxicating? Is it the person, the connection, or is it something else entirely, like secrecy? In this episode, let's dive into the psychology and physiology behind the passion that often accompanies infidelity. Discover how dopamine, adrenaline, and novelty create an addictive emotional cocktail, and why the thrill of secrecy can amplify feelings of desire. But here's the real question: can that same spark be reignited in a long-term relationship without the secrecy? We explore: The brain's role in fueling passion during an affair. How “erotic space” and escapism shape the intensity of infidelity. The connection between limerence and the forbidden nature of affairs. Practical ways to reignite passion and curiosity in committed relationships. Whether you've experienced an affair, are trying to rebuild your relationship, or simply want to understand how passion works, this episode offers insights and strategies for moving forward authentically. Reflective Question: What would it look like to bring curiosity and vulnerability into your relationship to rekindle the spark? Resources Mentioned: Episode 25: The Power Of Limerence "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

As we step into 2025, let's take a moment to reflect on the lessons, insights, and transformative conversations that defined 2024. In this special New Year's episode, we revisit 12 standout episodes of After the Affair, each one a pivotal moment in exploring healing, growth, and the complexities of relationships after betrayal. From redefining failure and rebuilding intimacy to challenging societal norms and understanding the emotional impact of anniversaries, this episode is a celebration of how far we've come and a reminder of the strength it takes to move forward. Whether you've been with us from the start or you're tuning in for the first time, this episode is for anyone seeking inspiration, hope, and practical guidance as they navigate the year ahead. Key Highlights: 67. Facing Failure After Infidelity: Why failure isn't the end, but the beginning of growth. 69. Intimacy After Betrayal: How trust and connection can be rebuilt after infidelity. 74. The 8 Steps to Healing: A roadmap for recovery, from clarity to growth. 96. Why Being Right Is Destroying Your Relationship: How to shift from winning arguments to building understanding. 98. Trickle Truth: The emotional toll of partial honesty and how to break the cycle. 112. Redefining Manhood: Exploring identity, purpose, and evolving roles in relationships. Other episodes mentioned: 85, 88, 100, 106, 107, and 118. Reflective Question: What lessons from 2024 can you carry forward into 2025 to create a stronger, more authentic version of yourself and your relationships? If this episode resonates with you, share it with someone who might need a little hope and guidance as they step into the new year. Let's continue this journey of growth and healing together. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Christmas can be a season filled with joy and connection, but for anyone navigating betrayal, it can also bring sadness, loneliness, and longing for what once was. This episode offers a compassionate space to reflect on the challenges of the holiday season while exploring ways to create moments of peace, hope, and even new traditions. Whether you're the betrayed partner, the unfaithful partner, or someone facing a Christmas that looks nothing like you imagined, this episode is here to remind you: It's okay to feel what you're feeling, and it's possible to create something meaningful, even amidst the pain. From my heart to yours, Luke Shillings. Key Takeaways: Why Christmas often feels harder after betrayal and how to navigate it. Practical ways to care for yourself and reframe holiday expectations. How to focus on small, meaningful moments that bring comfort and hope. A reminder: Healing doesn't require perfection, just a step forward. Reflective Question: What's one small, meaningful thing you can do for yourself today to create a sense of peace or connection? If this episode resonates, share it with someone who might need a reminder that they're not alone this holiday season. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

The internet can feel like a war zone when you're looking for answers after betrayal. Whether you're the betrayed partner or the unfaithful one, scrolling through the comment section can quickly amplify your fears, doubts, and pain. But here's the truth: those comments don't define you. They reflect someone else's pain, biases, and experiences, not your reality. In this episode, we explore: Why we're drawn to online comments when we're hurting. How confirmation bias makes the worst comments hit us hardest. Why the comment section is like a broken mirror, distorting your reflection. How to protect your emotional and mental health by filtering out harmful noise. Practical ways to reclaim control and stay grounded in your truth. If you've ever felt overwhelmed, judged, or shattered by what strangers have said online, this episode will help you step back, tune out the noise, and refocus on your healing journey. Key Takeaways: Online comments reflect others' pain, not your truth. Confirmation bias makes us latch onto the words that reinforce our fears and insecurities. You don't need strangers in the comment section to tell you who you are, you already know. Protecting your mental health means learning to filter harmful input and focus on what serves your healing. Reflective Question: Before you scroll, ask yourself: Is this serving my healing, or is it making it harder? If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. And if you've found healthier ways to navigate online negativity, let us know—we're in this together. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Religion often has a lot to say about infidelity: forgive, stay, move on. But what if these teachings complicate, rather than heal, the emotional devastation of betrayal? In this episode, Luke explores the intersection of faith and infidelity, unpacking the pressures placed on both the betrayed and the unfaithful partner. We'll discuss: How religious expectations can shape the healing journey, for better or worse. The cultural and societal variations in how infidelity is perceived and judged. The stigma faced by the unfaithful partner and whether shame helps or hinders growth. The importance of finding a path to healing that aligns with your values while honouring your emotional truth. Whether you're navigating the expectations of your faith or questioning the role of religion in your recovery, this episode is for you. It's not about judgment; it's about understanding and finding a way forward. Key Takeaways: Religion can offer comfort, but it can also create pressure to forgive and stay in ways that might not align with personal healing. Cultural and religious norms around infidelity are not universal, there is no single “rulebook” for betrayal. Both betrayed and unfaithful partners deserve space to process, heal, and grow without being reduced to their worst moments. Join the Conversation: What role has your faith played in your healing journey after infidelity? Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Staying for the kids" is a phrase loaded with expectation and sacrifice. But is staying in a relationship after betrayal truly the noble choice? Or could it be teaching your children lessons about love, self-worth, and authenticity that you never intended? In this episode of After the Affair, we explore: The societal mantra of “staying for the kids” and why it's not always the best path. The hidden costs of staying in an inauthentic relationship. How children absorb lessons about love and self-worth from their parents' actions, not just their words. The long-term impact of prioritizing emotional health and authenticity over appearances. This episode is a must-listen for any parent navigating betrayal and wondering how to make the right decision for their family's future. Join host Luke Shillings as he unpacks the complexities of parenting after infidelity and how to model resilience and authenticity for your children.

What counts as cheating? For some, it's clear-cut. For others, it's a grey area. In this thought-provoking episode, I sit down with porn addiction coach Matt Smith to explore where we draw the line when it comes to pornography and betrayal. We dive into: The blurry boundaries of infidelity and porn consumption. Why shame and secrecy often fuel addiction. How to start breaking free from cycles of guilt and dependency. The emotional impact of porn on relationships, and what it means for you. Whether you've experienced betrayal, struggled with shame, or just want to understand your own boundaries better, this episode is for you. Matt Smith helps men overcome porn addiction and regain control of their lives. Drawing from his own experiences and years of coaching, Matt offers practical tools and kind support. He encourages his clients to understand their urges and find lasting freedom. Matt enjoys guiding men as they uncover the reasons behind their challenges. He helps them break unhealthy patterns and create a life full of confidence and clarity. He believes recovery is not just about stopping a habit; it is about becoming who they want to be. Links & Resources Mentioned: Website: https://www.mattsmithcoaching.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mattsmithcoaching Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mattsmithcoaching/ Email: matt@mattsmithcoaching.com If this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend or leave a review on your favourite podcast platform. Your support helps us reach more people who need it. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Emotional affairs might not leave physical evidence, but their impact can be just as devastating as physical infidelity. In this episode of After the Affair, we dive deep into the hidden world of emotional affairs, the betrayals that happen through private messages, late-night conversations, and intimate connections that cross the boundaries of committed relationships. We'll explore: What exactly defines an emotional affair? Why emotional betrayal hurts as much as, or even more than, physical cheating. The unique challenges of rebuilding trust when the affair was "only emotional." Insights for both betrayed and unfaithful partners navigating the aftermath of an emotional affair. Whether you've experienced emotional infidelity, are trying to understand its complexities, or want to rebuild a relationship affected by it, this episode offers guidance, validation, and actionable insights. Join host Luke Shillings as he unpacks the betrayal you can't see—and how to move forward. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this episode of After the Affair, we're exploring a question that many men find themselves asking but few know how to answer: What does it mean to be a man today? As gender roles evolve and the traditional definitions of success and purpose shift, men are left to find new ways to build identity, self-worth, and connection. For some, these uncertainties can lead to choices like infidelity, decisions often rooted in a lack of fulfilment, identity confusion, or the need for external validation. Join us as we dive into the challenges facing modern men, how traditional roles of provider and protector have transformed, and why a strong sense of purpose is essential in both relationships and self-discovery. This episode isn't about reclaiming outdated standards but about navigating the complex path of redefining what manhood means today. Key Takeaways: The Evolving Role of Men: Why traditional sources of purpose are shifting and what this means for identity and relationships. Infidelity as a Symptom: How a lack of self-worth and unclear identity can lead to seeking validation outside of a committed relationship. Finding Fulfillment Beyond Old Roles: New ways men can build purpose that resonates today, through vulnerability, connection, and redefining success. A Challenge to Reflect: An invitation for listeners to think about what purpose looks like in their own lives, beyond societal expectations. This episode will leave you with questions, insights, and encouragement to create a path that aligns with who you truly are. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In the final part of our mini-series, we talk about something that many people don't expect, how the imbalances created by infidelity can linger long after the relationship ends. Whether it's guilt, shame, anger, or resentment, the emotional aftermath of infidelity doesn't always disappear when the papers are signed, and the relationship is officially over. We'll explore how the ‘ghost' of the broken relationship continues to show up in your life, influencing how you see yourself, how you approach future relationships, and how you navigate lingering feelings from the past. Key Topics Covered: The Ghost Relationship: Why unresolved feelings continue to haunt you, even when the relationship is over. Lingering Guilt and Shame: How the unfaithful partner can struggle with feelings of guilt long after separation. The Imbalance of Moving On: Why one partner might seem to move on easily while the other feels stuck in pain. Breaking Free from the Ghost: How to start reclaiming your life and healing independently. Reflective Question: What part of the past relationship is still haunting you? How can you begin to let go and create space for your future? Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In the second part of our mini-series on imbalance after infidelity, we explore what happens when the unfaithful partner is doing everything ‘right', apologising, attending therapy, being transparent, yet it still feels like nothing is changing. Why, despite their best efforts, does the relationship remain stuck? We'll look at the emotional wall the betrayed partner builds, why it's so hard to move forward even when the unfaithful partner is doing all they can, and how to navigate the frustration of feeling like your efforts are in vain. Key Topics Covered: The Unfaithful Partner's Dilemma: When you're putting in the work but your partner can't, or won't, move past the betrayal. The Emotional Wall: Why the betrayed partner might feel stuck in pain, even when everything is being done to make amends. What Real Healing Looks Like: Understanding why effort alone isn't always enough and what needs to shift for healing to truly begin. Reflective Question: If you're the unfaithful partner, are you focusing only on your actions, or are you understanding the deeper emotional needs of your partner? Next Episode Teaser: In the final part of our mini-series, we'll explore what happens when the relationship ends but the imbalance lingers, how both the betrayed and unfaithful partners continue to be haunted by unresolved feelings, guilt, and resentment long after the relationship is over. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this episode of After the Affair, we dive into a frustrating dynamic that many betrayed partners face after infidelity, the unfair expectation that they should be the ones to fix the relationship. You didn't break it, so why is it your job to pick up the pieces? We'll explore the imbalance that happens when the betrayed partner is left carrying the emotional weight, expected to forgive and move forward while the unfaithful partner seems off the hook. This episode is the first part of a three-part mini-series where we're exploring the imbalance that often lingers after infidelity, both in relationships that stay together and in those that don't. Key Topics Covered: The Obligation Swing: Why does the betrayed partner feel like they're the one tasked with fixing the relationship? The Emotional Burden of the Betrayed: How this imbalance can lead to resentment and hinder real healing. What Happens When One Partner Refuses to Take Responsibility: The impact on the relationship when the unfaithful partner doesn't share the burden of healing. Reflective Question: Are you taking on more than your fair share of responsibility for fixing the relationship? How can you reclaim balance? Next Episode Teaser: In the next episode, we'll flip the script and look at the other side, what happens when the unfaithful partner is doing everything right, but the betrayed partner remains closed off. We'll explore why this imbalance can be just as difficult to navigate. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this episode of After the Affair, Luke Shillings explores how relationships, like technology, need regular updates to stay in sync. Just like your phone's apps and software need upgrades to keep functioning smoothly, relationships also require personal growth and communication to thrive over time. If you and your partner aren't growing together, you risk falling out of sync, feeling disconnected, and losing that emotional intimacy. Luke discusses why relationships tend to slow down or feel “glitchy” when one person grows and the other doesn't, and how personal growth is the key to getting back on track. He emphasises the importance of open communication, self-awareness, and adaptability in keeping your relationship feeling fresh, connected, and strong. Key Topics Covered: Why Relationships Need Regular Updates Just like technology, relationships fall out of sync without continuous growth and change. Emotional Growth & Disconnection How one person's personal growth can create distance if the other isn't adapting or growing alongside them. The Key to Staying in Sync Personal growth, communication, and emotional awareness are the ultimate “relationship updates.” Why New Relationships Aren't the Answer Feeling disconnected doesn't mean finding a new partner, it means making sure you're growing together in the relationship you already have. How to Apply Updates in Your Relationship Self-awareness, open communication, and growing together to maintain a strong connection. Reflective Question: Have you noticed your relationship feeling out of sync lately? What's one personal or relationship “update” you can focus on this week to get things back on track?   If your relationship feels stuck, it might be time for an emotional update. Tune in to learn how personal growth and communication can help you reconnect and stay in sync, no matter what stage of your relationship you're in. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this episode of After the Affair, Luke Shillings takes a deep dive into the topic of relationship statistics and why they don't define you. While statistics can provide context, they don't account for the unique dynamics, growth, and emotional complexities of each individual relationship. Luke explores the dangers of letting numbers dictate your relationship's fate and shares two real-life examples, one of a person who defied the odds and rebuilt trust after infidelity, and another who, despite having everything in their favour on paper, saw their marriage fall apart. Key Points Discussed: Why We Rely on Statistics: How numbers can create limiting beliefs and reinforce our fears in relationships. Possibility vs. Probability: Shifting focus from statistical predictions to personal growth and possibility, empowering individuals to write their own stories. Two Real-Life Stories: One partner who defied the odds after infidelity and rebuilt their marriage. Another partner whose relationship, despite having every advantage on paper, fell apart due to a lack of emotional connection. The Power of Growth Mindset: How personal growth and resilience can reshape your relationship, regardless of what the statistics say. Why Statistics Aren't Destiny: Relationships are complex and personal, no statistic can capture the uniqueness of your journey. Have you ever allowed relationship statistics to influence your outlook on your relationship? What would change if you focused on possibility rather than predictions? If you've ever felt boxed in by relationship statistics, this episode is for you. Remember, your relationship isn't defined by numbers—only you and your partner can decide what's possible. Tune in, reflect, and share this episode with someone who might need to hear it. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this episode of After the Affair, host Luke Shillings tackles a frustration many men experience but rarely talk about, the feeling that no matter what they do, they just can't "win" in relationships. Why do so many men feel like they're failing with their partner? And why is this something that women need to understand too? Luke dives into the core reasons behind this feeling, discussing: Differences in communication styles between men and women The pressure men feel to solve problems rather than express emotions How shifting gender roles create confusion and internal conflict for men The emotional labour imbalance that often leaves men feeling unseen and unappreciated The role of perceived criticism and unspoken expectations in relationships Whether you're a man who feels like you're constantly falling short in your relationship or a woman wanting to understand what's going on behind the scenes, this episode is for you. Luke not only explores why men feel like they can't win but also offers insights into how both partners can work together to shift the dynamic and find balance. Key Topics Discussed: The "Never Win" Feeling: Why men often feel like their efforts in relationships aren't enough and where that feeling comes from. Communication Differences: How problem-solving vs. emotional connection can create friction in relationships. The Pressure of Shifting Gender Roles: Why modern men struggle to balance traditional expectations with the newer demands of emotional sensitivity and involvement. The Emotional Labor Imbalance: How invisible work in relationships can leave men feeling like they're losing, even when they're contributing. Criticism and Unspoken Expectations: Why many men feel constantly criticised and how unspoken expectations can create feelings of helplessness. How to Break the Cycle: Ideas for shifting the dynamic so both partners feel seen, heard, and appreciated in the relationship. Reflective Question: Men, have you ever felt like you're doing everything you can, but it's never enough? Women, have you noticed this dynamic in your own relationship? If you've ever felt like you can't "win" in your relationship or want to understand your partner better, this episode is for you. Share it with someone who might benefit from hearing this conversation. Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this powerful episode of After the Affair, host Luke Shillings delves into a deeply nuanced and often overlooked aspect of infidelity: same-sex affairs within long-term marriages. Inspired by a listener's courageous story, Luke explores the unique layers of shock, pain, and confusion that arise when a spouse's betrayal involves a partner of the same sex. He discusses: The emotional impact of discovering a same-sex affair after decades of marriage The added complexity of questioning not just the relationship, but the very foundation of identity and trust How societal stigma can amplify feelings of isolation and shame The challenges this type of betrayal poses to children and family dynamics Finding a path to healing and understanding in the aftermath of such a profound betrayal Whether you're personally experiencing this kind of betrayal or seeking to understand it better, this episode offers insights and compassion for navigating an incredibly difficult and complex journey. Key Topics Discussed: Understanding the Unique Pain of Same-Sex Infidelity: How this form of betrayal can challenge your perception of your partner and yourself. The Role of Shame and Stigma: Why same-sex affairs can bring an added layer of societal judgment and isolation. Impact on Children and Family Dynamics: Navigating the confusion and emotional fallout for children of all ages. Rebuilding Your Sense of Self: How to reclaim your identity and self-worth after a betrayal that disrupts everything you thought you knew. Healing and Moving Forward: Practical steps and emotional support for finding your path forward, whether that's together or apart. Reflective Question: How do you begin to rebuild trust and identity when a betrayal challenges everything you thought you knew about your relationship? Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Welcome back to After the Affair with your host, Luke Shillings. In today's episode, we're flipping the traditional approach to healing on its head. Instead of the typical steps to "heal" after betrayal, we're diving into something radical—the Inverse Approach. What if instead of chasing closure, security, and control, we did the opposite? What if we didn't aim to heal in the conventional sense, but instead, embraced the uncertainty, pain, and unpredictability that comes with betrayal? Join Luke as he explores: Why seeking closure might be holding you back How embracing uncertainty can build resilience The power of non-attachment in your healing journey Why vulnerability is the key to real strength, not something to be avoided The unexpected power of gratitude for the experience of betrayal This episode is all about rethinking what it means to move forward after infidelity and finding empowerment in ways you may not have considered. If traditional methods of healing have left you feeling stuck, this episode offers a new perspective. Key Topics Discussed: Letting Go of the Need for Closure: Why the search for answers might be keeping you stuck, and how letting go could lead to freedom. Embracing Uncertainty: How accepting the unknown can build emotional resilience and help you regain control in your life. Non-Attachment in Healing: Why focusing on yourself rather than controlling outcomes can foster growth and peace. Finding Strength in Vulnerability: The paradox of vulnerability: how being emotionally open can make you more resilient in future relationships. Gratitude in Betrayal: A controversial idea, shifting from resentment to gratitude and how it can transform your recovery journey. Listener Takeaways: Reevaluate your need for closure—what would happen if you let it go? Learn how embracing uncertainty can shift your healing process. Explore how non-attachment and focusing on yourself can lead to deeper, more lasting personal growth. Discover the hidden strength in being vulnerable again, despite the fear of future pain. Reflect on how gratitude for your experience, rather than resentment, could empower you. Reflective Question: What would it feel like to let go of your need for closure and embrace the uncertainty of the future? Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this episode of After the Affair, host Luke Shillings takes a deep dive into the societal expectations surrounding infidelity and why many of them are not just wrong but harmful. He lists the top 34 most common Societal Expectation Statements and challenges each and every one! We often think of infidelity in black-and-white terms, assigning blame and passing judgement based on outdated norms and rigid stereotypes. But infidelity is far more complex than society tends to acknowledge. Luke unpacks the dangers of oversimplifying infidelity, the damaging effects of punitive mindsets, and why rigid gender norms don't hold up in the real world. Through honest reflection, this episode challenges the idea that infidelity always has to end a relationship, and instead offers a more nuanced understanding of what it means to heal, rebuild, or move on. Whether you've been betrayed or were the one who was unfaithful, this episode will make you rethink what society says about infidelity and how it can impact your recovery. Key Topics Discussed: Why Black-and-White Thinking Is Harmful: Infidelity is often judged as entirely the fault of the unfaithful partner, ignoring relational dynamics and the complexity of the emotions involved. Gender Norms and Why They Don't Work: The stereotype that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons misses the broader picture of human behaviour. The Punishment Trap: How shame, public humiliation, and the pressure to leave the relationship can hinder healing and growth, both for the betrayed and the unfaithful. Why Infidelity Doesn't Have to Mean the End: Exploring the idea that, with the right support, some couples can rebuild trust and come out stronger on the other side. The Overlooked Forms of Infidelity: Emotional and digital infidelity often get ignored in societal discussions, but they can be just as damaging as physical cheating. Judgement vs. Understanding: Why casting judgement on the unfaithful partner doesn't allow for personal growth or relationship repair, and how a restorative approach can offer more. Reflective Question: How have societal expectations shaped your response to infidelity? Have these expectations helped or hindered your healing process?   Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this episode of 'After the Affair,' host Luke Shillings delves into the concept of "doing the work" in the aftermath of betrayal, particularly in the context of the self-help world. Often, we think of self-help as something we turn to only when something in our lives has gone wrong, a reactive measure rather than a proactive one. But the bigger question is, what does 'doing the work' even mean? Luke discusses the importance of committing to self-improvement not just in times of crisis but as a regular practice. He also reminds us of the first three lines of the self-coaching model: Circumstances, Thoughts, and Feelings, and explains how understanding these components can help us navigate the emotional landscape of betrayal and beyond. You can learn more about the self coaching model on Episode 20 - How to Handle any Problem ( https://www.lifecoachluke.com/podcast/episode/c20ef146/20-how-to-handle-any-problem ) Whether you're currently dealing with the aftermath of infidelity or simply interested in how self-help can be integrated into your everyday life, this episode offers valuable insights into the power of "doing the work" before life throws its curveballs.   Key Topics Discussed: The Concept of "Doing the Work": Understanding what "doing the work" means in the context of self-help and personal growth. The difference between reactive and proactive self-help. Self-Help as a Preventative Tool: Why it's important to engage in self-improvement before crises occur. Building resilience and emotional strength through regular self-reflection and practice. The Self-Coaching Model: Introduction to the first three lines: Circumstances, Thoughts, and Feelings. How these elements interact to shape our experiences and responses to betrayal. Applying Self-Help in the Aftermath of Betrayal: Practical strategies for using self-coaching techniques to navigate emotional challenges. The long-term benefits of committing to "doing the work" consistently. Listener Takeaways: Proactive Self-Help: Understand the importance of integrating self-help practices into your life before challenges arise. Self-Coaching Basics: Learn how the Circumstances, Thoughts, and Feelings model can help you manage your emotional responses. Building Resilience: Discover how regular self-reflection and "doing the work" can strengthen your ability to handle life's difficulties. Reflective Question: How can you start integrating self-help practices into your daily routine, not just when things go wrong but as a way to build ongoing resilience?   Call to Action: If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others who might benefit. Stay connected with us for more resources and support on our website After the Affair and follow our podcast for updates on new episodes. Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Afraid to Be Seen? The Hard Truth About Validation and Betrayal," we tackle the uncomfortable truths that many of us face in the wake of infidelity and betrayal. This episode dives deep into the insecurities that often lie beneath the surface, those parts of us that crave external validation, fear rejection, and struggle with identity. Luke explores how early experiences shape our self-worth, how our identities become tied to how others perceive us, and what happens when those perceptions are shattered by betrayal. If you've ever felt like you need to look perfect, act strong, or earn love to feel worthy, this episode is for you. We'll discuss the crossroads where change becomes possible and how to move forward to reclaim your true self-worth, independent of others' approval. Key Topics Discussed: The Impact of Early Experiences on Self-Worth: How childhood and adolescent experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves. The connection between early trauma and the need for external validation. The Role of Identity and External Validation: How societal standards and social media influence our self-image. The dangers of tying your worth to appearance, achievements, or others' approval. The Crossroads: A Moment of Reflection and Potential Change: Recognising when the path you're on is no longer sustainable. Confronting the fears and insecurities that have driven your behaviour. Moving Forward: The Path to a More Fulfilling Life: Shifting from external to internal validation. Embracing vulnerability and building genuine connections based on who you truly are. Listener Takeaways: Confront Your Insecurities: Understand how your need for validation may be rooted in past experiences and how it affects your current relationships. Redefine Your Identity: Learn how to shift your focus from external approval to internal validation and self-acceptance. Embrace Vulnerability: Explore how letting go of the need for perfection can lead to deeper, more authentic relationships. Reflective Question: What would it look like for you to build a sense of self-worth that isn't dependent on external validation? Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity  

Welcome to a special 100th episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this milestone episode, titled "The Anniversaries We Hate: Redefining Time and Memory," we take a deep dive into the emotional significance of anniversaries, those dates on the calendar that can bring both joy and dread. From birthdays and weddings to D-days and divorces, anniversaries often carry a heavy emotional weight. In this episode, we explore why we associate such strong feelings with these dates, how they can control our emotions, and what it means to redefine these anniversaries in a way that supports our healing and growth. Luke challenges the traditional view of anniversaries, offering insights into how we can stop reliving past pain and start creating a future filled with the celebrations that truly matter. Key Topics Discussed: The Origin and Significance of Anniversaries: How anniversaries became significant markers of time in our lives. The human need for structure and meaning behind these dates. The Emotional Impact of Anniversaries: How positive anniversaries are used to create new memories. Why negative anniversaries lead us to dwell on the past and re-punish ourselves. The power of anniversaries as emotional triggers. Rewriting Our Stories Around Anniversaries: Strategies for transforming the impact of negative anniversaries. Creating new traditions and focusing on growth. The importance of self-care and setting positive intentions for future anniversaries. Choosing the Anniversaries We Want to Celebrate: How to shift focus from past pain to future milestones. Celebrating personal growth, resilience, and new beginnings. Listener Takeaways: Understand the Emotional Impact: Recognise why anniversaries hold so much emotional power and how they can control our feelings. Reframe Negative Anniversaries: Learn practical strategies to transform painful anniversaries into opportunities for healing and growth. Celebrate What Truly Matters: Shift your focus to celebrating the milestones that reflect your personal journey and resilience. Reflective Question: What anniversaries do you want to celebrate in the future, and how can you start rewriting your story around the ones that bring you pain? If you found this episode insightful, please share it with others who might benefit. Stay connected with us for more resources and support on our website lifecoachluke.com and follow our podcast for updates on new episodes. Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "The Want Match: Aligning Desires After Betrayal," we explore the concept of the "Want Match," which focuses on aligning the desires and needs of both partners in a relationship. This episode delves into how recognising and understanding these wants can create a more balanced and fulfilling partnership. Luke shares practical steps to identify, communicate, and navigate these desires, along with relatable examples to illustrate the concept. Key Topics Discussed: Understanding the Want Match Concept: Explanation of the "Want Match" concept. Importance of aligning what one partner wants to give with what the other partner desires to receive. Recognizing that no single person can fulfill all emotional and relational needs. Identifying Your Own Desires: Importance of making a detailed list of your desires in a relationship. Examples of common desires such as emotional support, physical intimacy, and shared activities. Communicating with Your Partner: How to share your desires openly with your partner. Encouraging your partner to do the same for mutual understanding. Assessing the Matches and Discussing Misalignments: Determining which desires align naturally. Examples of matched and mismatched desires in relationships. Discussing areas of misalignment with compassion and understanding. Exploring Willingness to Compromise: Discussing the importance of genuine willingness to compromise. Examples of how partners can compromise to meet each other's needs. Planning for Alternative Fulfillment: Finding ways to fulfill desires that cannot be met within the relationship. Ensuring that external fulfillment respects the boundaries and commitments of the relationship. Regularly Re-evaluating and Focusing on Self-Care: The importance of periodically revisiting the "want match" list. Focusing on self-care and personal growth to reduce dependency on your partner. Embracing Flexibility and Understanding: Recognizing that not all desires will be perfectly met. Balancing personal wants with realistic expectations and mutual respect. Listener Takeaways: Understand Your Needs: Learn to identify and communicate your own desires in a relationship. Foster Open Communication: Encourage open dialogue with your partner about each other's needs and desires. Embrace Compromise and Flexibility: Find ways to compromise and respect each other's differences to create a harmonious connection. Reflective Question: How can you and your partner better communicate and align your desires to create a more fulfilling relationship? If you found this episode insightful, please share it with others who might benefit. Stay connected with us for more resources and support on our website lifecoachluke.com and follow our podcast for updates on new episodes. Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Trickle Truth: The Pain of Gradual Disclosure in Infidelity," we'll explore the challenging and often painful experience of trickle truth, also known as "drip feeding" the truth or "gradual disclosure." This episode delves into why trickle truth happens, its impact on both the betrayed and unfaithful partners and the emotional complexities involved. Luke shares listener stories and provides compassionate insights into the struggles faced by both parties. Whether you're navigating the aftermath of infidelity or seeking to understand the dynamics of trickle truth, this episode offers validation and empathy. Key Topics Discussed: Understanding Trickle Truth: Definition and common reasons for trickle truth. The psychological and emotional factors that contribute to gradual disclosure. Impact on the Betrayed Partner: The cycle of anger, sadness, and confusion caused by ongoing revelations. The challenge of rebuilding trust amidst constant uncertainty. The Unfaithful Partner's Perspective: The internal conflict and fear of full disclosure. The unintended consequences of trying to protect their partner through gradual honesty. Listener Stories and Reflections: Real-life experiences shared by listeners dealing with trickle truth. The emotional toll on relationships and the difficulty of finding closure. Key Takeaways: Compassion and Understanding: Recognise the emotional complexities faced by both partners in the context of trickle truth. Impact of Gradual Disclosure: Understand the prolonged pain and trust issues caused by incomplete truths. Reflective Question: How can you create an environment in your relationship where honesty and transparency are encouraged and valued, even when the truth is difficult? If you found this episode insightful, please share it with others who might benefit. Stay connected with us for more resources and support on our website lifecoachluke.com and follow our podcast for updates on new episodes. Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Time to Choose: Infidelity and the Truth We Face," we discuss the impact that facing a finite timeline can have on our decisions and relationships, particularly in the context of infidelity. What happens when we're confronted with the reality of limited time? How do our priorities shift, and what truths come to light? Join Luke as he explores how the awareness of mortality can bring clarity to the complexities of infidelity, encouraging a renewed focus on authenticity, meaningful connections, and the choices that define our lives. Key Topics Discussed: The Region Beta Paradox: Understanding how severe situations can accelerate emotional recovery and prompt decisive actions. How facing a life-threatening diagnosis can shift perspectives on what truly matters. Shifts in Priorities: The profound change in priorities when time is perceived as limited. How infidelity can be reframed under the urgency of mortality, highlighting the importance of honesty, forgiveness, and meaningful relationships. Living Authentically: The importance of making choices that align with one's true values and desires. For both unfaithful and betrayed partners, this means setting clear boundaries, expressing true feelings, and making intentional decisions. Inducing Intentional Living: Practical ways to cultivate a mindset of intentional living without the trigger of a life-altering event. Techniques include mindfulness, reflective journaling, contemplating mortality, setting goals, engaging in deep conversations, and giving back. Listener Takeaways: Authenticity and Integrity: Understand the importance of living authentically, especially in the aftermath of infidelity. Prioritising Meaningful Connections: Focus on what truly matters in relationships and personal growth. Intentional Living: Learn practical ways to cultivate a mindset of intentionality in everyday life. Reflective Question: How can the awareness of limited time inspire you to live more authentically and intentionally, especially in the context of your relationships?   If you found this episode insightful, please share it with others who might benefit. Stay connected with us for more resources and support on our website lifecoachluke.com and follow our podcast for updates on new episodes. Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Winning your next argument is the most important thing, right? Join Luke Shillings - Relationship and Infidelity Recovery Coach as he unpicks the psychological and emotional reasons behind our desire to be right in arguments, especially in the aftermath of betrayal. We explore how this need can create a zero-sum game in relationships, leading to increased resentment and conflict. Luke shares personal anecdotes and practical insights on how to move past this need, fostering better understanding and connection in relationships. Key Topics Discussed: The Universal Desire to Be Right: Exploring why being right feels so important. Understanding the deeper need for validation and self-worth. The Emotional Underpinnings: How past experiences and insecurities drive the need to be right. Luke's personal example from his workplace experiences. The Zero-Sum Game: How arguments become about winning rather than resolving issues. The detrimental effects of this mindset on relationships. Throwing Fuel on Each Other's Fire: An analogy to illustrate how arguments escalate. The importance of understanding and empathy to prevent conflict from intensifying. Moving Past the Need to Be Right: Steps to cultivate self-awareness and reflect on the desire to win. Techniques for focusing on listening and validating your partner's perspective. Practicing empathy and collaborative problem-solving. Personal Reflection: Luke shares his own journey in overcoming the need to be right. How shifting focus from winning to understanding transformed his interactions. Listener Takeaways: Self-Awareness: Recognise when you're slipping into the mindset of needing to win and reflect on the underlying motivations. Active Listening: Focus on truly hearing your partner's point of view to validate their feelings and perspectives. Empathy and Collaboration: Remember that your partner is not your adversary; work together to find solutions that respect both viewpoints. Reflective Question: How can you shift your focus from being right to truly understanding your partner's perspective the next time a disagreement arises? Take some time to think about this and consider how it might change the dynamics of your relationships. Your help is really appreciated by others just like you: If you found this episode helpful, please share it with others who might benefit. Stay connected with us for more resources and support on our website lifecoachluke.com/podcast and follow our podcast for updates on new episodes. Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Welcome to another episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, titled "Healing from Betrayal Using Internal Family Systems (IFS)," we explore how the therapeutic approach of IFS can help both betrayed and unfaithful partners understand and heal from the pain of infidelity. Join Luke as he delves into the concept of internal parts, how they influence our emotions and behaviours, and practical steps to foster self-compassion and personal growth. Key Topics Discussed: Introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS): Understanding the basics of IFS and the concept of internal parts. The role of the Self in harmonising these parts. The Betrayed Partner and IFS: Identifying parts like the Protector, the Exiled Part, and the Angry Part. Engaging with these parts to unburden and integrate them for healing. The Unfaithful Partner and IFS: Identifying parts like the Exiled Part, the Impulsive Part, and the Guilty Part. Working with these parts to understand motivations and foster genuine change. Practical Steps for Both Partners: Techniques to identify and engage with internal parts. Building a support network and fostering self-compassion. Personal Reflection: Luke shares his own experience with identifying and working with internal parts during his healing journey. Listener Takeaways: Empower Yourself: Recognise your own strength and resilience in the healing process. Focus on Self-Compassion: Approach your internal parts with curiosity and compassion to foster healing. Practical Steps: Learn practical techniques to identify, engage with, and unburden your internal parts for a harmonious inner world. Reflective Questions: Which parts of yourself have you noticed emerging in response to betrayal, and how have they influenced your thoughts and behaviors? Can you identify any protective parts that may be trying to shield you from further pain? How might you approach these parts with curiosity and compassion? How might self-compassion play a role in your healing journey? What steps can you take to nurture this part of yourself? Resources Mentioned: Books and Articles on IFS: Explore literature on Internal Family Systems for deeper understanding and practical guidance. Mindfulness Practices: Incorporate mindfulness techniques to stay grounded and manage stress.   Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Disclaimer: The content of this podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. Always seek the guidance of a qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding IFS.

Luke explains how individuals might be drawn to different partners for various reasons and how these dynamics can influence infidelity. Through multiple theoretical lenses, including sociocultural, psychological, feminist, economic, and humanistic perspectives, this episode offers a comprehensive understanding of why people might prioritize different aspects of relationships. Key Points Discussed: Introduction to the "Lover vs. Provider" theory and its evolutionary roots. How the theory applies to both men and women, and the dual mating strategies involved. Examination of the theory through sociocultural, psychological, feminist, economic, and humanistic perspectives. The impact of personal history, attachment styles, and cultural influences on relationship dynamics. Practical insights for understanding and addressing infidelity within the context of these theoretical frameworks. Strategies for fostering open communication, addressing unmet needs, and rebuilding trust in relationships. Resources Mentioned: Relationship coaching techniques for exploring underlying needs and desires. Therapy and counseling for navigating emotional and psychological impacts of infidelity. Tools for improving communication and connection in relationships. Blog post referenced: https://medium.com/@epiphanyaweek/what-women-want-3870466f9544 If this episode resonated with you, please share it with others who might benefit from a deeper understanding of infidelity dynamics. For more resources and support, visit www.lifecoachluke.com or reach out through Facebook or Instagram. www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke Join the After the Affair Community - www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity Thank you for joining us on this episode of "After the Affair." Stay tuned for more insightful discussions on relationships, healing, and personal growth. Remember, you are not alone on this journey. Until next time, take care and stay strong.

Discover how the pain of betrayal often extends beyond the physical act, touching on what the affair represented rather than the individual affair partner. In this episode, Luke explores the emotional dynamics from both the betrayed and unfaithful spouse's perspectives, offering insights into how these narratives can be challenged and transformed for healing and growth. Key Points Discussed: The significance of the stories we tell ourselves after an affair. How affairs often symbolise deeper issues such as inadequacy, validation, and autonomy. The differing perspectives and emotional impacts on betrayed and unfaithful spouses. The role of personal history, attachment styles, and cultural influences in shaping these narratives. Strategies for challenging negative narratives and creating empowering ones for both the betrayed and unfaithful spouse. Examples of reframing narratives to promote self-discovery, resilience, and growth. Resources Mentioned: Journaling and self-reflection techniques. Therapy and professional support for navigating post-affair dynamics. Communication strategies to rebuild trust and understanding in relationships. If you found this episode insightful, please share it with anyone who might benefit from understanding the deeper emotional layers of infidelity. For more support and resources, visit www.lifecoachluke.com or reach out through Facebook or Instagram. www.facebook.com/mylifecoachluke www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke   Join the After the Affair Community - www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity   Healing from infidelity is a journey, and you don't have to go through it alone. Join us for more episodes where we continue to explore the complexities of relationships and recovery. Until next time, take care and stay strong.

Welcome to another insightful episode of 'After the Affair' with your host, Luke Shillings. In this episode, we delve into a common struggle faced by many betrayed partners – the belief that their healing is tied to their spouse's actions. Whether it's waiting for an apology, seeking explanations, or hoping for changes in behaviour, many feel stuck in a cycle of dependency. Luke explores why these beliefs take such a stronghold and how they can keep you trapped in a state of emotional limbo. More importantly, he provides actionable steps to shift your focus towards self-empowerment, allowing you to reclaim your power and take charge of your healing journey.   Key Topics Discussed: The Illusion of Control: Understanding why we look to our spouse for answers and closure. Recognising the pitfalls of relying on external factors for healing. Why even sincere apologies and changes in behaviour might not lead to true healing. Internal vs. External Validation: The importance of finding validation and strength within yourself. How external dependency can prolong pain and delay recovery. Practical Steps to Self-Empowerment: Shifting focus from what your spouse does or doesn't do to what you can control. Setting healthy boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Cultivating self-compassion and recognising your own resilience. Building a Supportive Network: Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. The role of friends, family, and professionals in your healing journey. Engaging in Personal Growth and Mindfulness: Reconnecting with your passions and interests. Practising mindfulness to stay grounded and present. Affirming Your Self-Worth: The power of positive affirmations in reinforcing self-belief. Embracing your journey of self-discovery and empowerment. Listener Takeaways: Empower Yourself: Understand that true healing starts from within. You have the power to navigate your own path to recovery, independent of your spouse's actions. Focus on What You Can Control: Shift your attention to what you can do today to support your healing and well-being. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your resilience and strength. Build a Strong Support Network: Lean on friends, family, and professionals who can offer guidance and encouragement. Embrace Personal Growth: Use this time to rediscover your passions and invest in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment. Found this episode helpful? If you found this episode helpful, please share it with others who might benefit. Remember, your healing journey is yours to navigate, and you have the strength to move beyond dependency. Stay connected with us for more resources and support on our website After the Affair and follow our podcast for updates on new episodes. Connect with Luke Shillings: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Thank you for listening to 'After the Affair.' Your journey to healing is a testament to your strength and resilience. Stay empowered, and take care of yourself. See you next time!

In this episode of 'After the Affair,' join me, your host Luke Shillings as I discover how limiting beliefs can keep you stuck in negative patterns and how shifting your mindset can open up new possibilities for growth and recovery. Whether it's about self-worth, trust, or what you think you deserve in love, your beliefs shape your reality in powerful ways. Learn practical steps to challenge and change these beliefs to create a more empowered and fulfilling life. Key Topics Covered: The definition and power of beliefs. How limiting beliefs hold us back and affect our relationships. The cost of maintaining limiting beliefs and their impact on our mental and emotional health. Strategies for transforming beliefs, including cognitive restructuring and mindfulness. Real-life stories of individuals who changed their beliefs and transformed their lives. Practical steps to identify, question, and replace limiting beliefs. Special Mention: Thank you to everyone who has joined our Facebook group! Your engagement and support are incredible. If you haven't joined yet, search for 'After the Affair Community' on Facebook and become part of our community. You can join here -> https://www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity   Subscribe & Follow: Don't forget to subscribe to 'After the Affair' on your favourite podcast platform and follow us on social media for more insights and support. Listener Interaction: We love hearing from you! Share your thoughts, questions, and stories with us at luke@lifecoachluke.com or in our Facebook group. (@mylifecoachluke) There is also a ton of useful tips on my Instagram page - www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke  

In this episode of 'After the Affair,' host Luke Shillings takes a deep dive into the neuroscience behind trust and betrayal. Understanding these processes can be crucial in healing from infidelity and building stronger relationships. Join us as we explore how our brains process trust, the impact of betrayal, and practical strategies to foster healing and resilience. Key Topics Covered: The brain regions involved in trust and betrayal: the limbic system, amygdala, and prefrontal cortex. The role of oxytocin in promoting trust and bonding. How early experiences shape our trust patterns. The neurological impact of betrayal and its similarity to physical pain. Techniques for healing the brain post-betrayal, including mindfulness and EMDR. The importance of memory in processing trust and betrayal. Evolutionary perspectives on trust and betrayal. Practical applications for rebuilding trust and emotional resilience. Special Mention: A big thank you to everyone who has joined our Facebook group! Your participation and support are invaluable. If you haven't joined yet, search for 'After the Affair Community' on Facebook and become part of our community. or you can join here -> www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity   Subscribe & Follow: Don't forget to subscribe to 'After the Affair' on your favourite podcast platform and follow us on social media for more insights and support.   Learn more at www.lifecoachluke.com Join me over on IG at @mylifecoachluke www.instagram.com/mylifecoachluke   Listener Interaction: We love hearing from you!   Share your thoughts, questions, and stories with us at luke@lifecoachluke.com or in our Facebook group.