Another [fill-in-the-blank] Day

Crisp, behind and ahead, the exact right place, and obsolete. Allowing yourself to be carried, amplify yourself, pure pure pure you, and we need it. Markers, arm's length, whole, comparison games, mental gymnastics, and be and feel.

Treadmill adventure, down the hallway, and tackling this myself. Every possible thing out of the way, next step to solve this problem, and attached. Trigonometry, spacial awareness, Tinder, and wondering if words and phrases are real. A whole thing, a giant giant paperweight, and more investigation required. Stubbed toes and fall-ness.

Finishing the Haunting of Hill House. A reminder of art and connection and emotion. Understanding each other and forgetting the things we enjoy. Speaks to us, nail on the head, and the click. On top of the world and remembering the why.

Thoughts on trajectory, expectations versus reality, and an incline. Boring, losing yourself and finding yourself a million times over, and The Plan. Unanticipatable, the character arc is all over the map, and unexpected events. Shattering, acute joy, the drama, and the power we think we should have. A bottle of coke, riding the waves, and some kind of hope. Stapling a life into place, imaginative, and surrender to having a plan and also being flexible. Topsy turvy.

Purple speckled orchid, two pieces of bread, thunderstorms, and puddling. Leaking, perfectly secure, and how many times can I say trial and erroring. Losing focus, not a good story, long enough, and that's how they getcha. Caption bonus: I'm proud because I made a gif today and also a video of baby jellyfish gave me joy so I encourage you to check that out.

Anxious attention span of a flea, a real toss up, three times, and instantaneous abs. One of my genie wishes, perfect messy buns, momentous “r” rolling, and too much pressure.

Adult size animal bath towel, ice cream in my veins, too loud in my head, and turning the volume down.

Question the doubt, quantifying knowledge, and standardized tests. Wisdom, deeply rooted, try trusting, and mysticism. Valuable creativity, imagination, rain, and more than logic. Wildness, the universe, food coloring, and play more.

Laundry basket, coworker conversation, best of luck to you, and a lack of interest. Some people won't get it, fan club, and approval. Quantifying success, rollercoaster, ruled by others, and those people are out there. Likes and dislikes and you allot the weight it carries.

TV that absorbed my brain until the early morning hours. Coming to an end, too high of a bar, the choice to leave, and piling up. All or nothing thought trap, consistency, life maintenance, and not to be underrated. Grace, notice, and it can see itself out.

Anonymity, juicy, consequences, and connected to your purpose. So so so many reasons, too complex, glad you started, and drilling deeper. Everything you have, your place in all of this madness, you get to, and you will.

Recreated, already said it, heartburn, and all that jazz. Reinforce, remind, and recognize. Cat snores, superior floor patch, and worse for wear. Holding your sanity together and take note.

Stuffy. Presentable, a million things all wrapped into one, middle of the night moment, and I don't know why it's a bean. Hangover of major destabilization, lead in my veins, and raggedy. Procession of events, cue tears, and a workout ish. It's hard in the middle, construction zone, raw, and cringey.

“Comfortable with Uncertainty” by Pema Chödrön. Resolution, whatever arises, and ambiguity. Staying open, fruition, not good enough, and oriented to the present. Unconditional.

Giggling, creatures, and betrayal. Acknowledgment, the ashes left behind, and shaky at best. Treacherous, how how how, and hollow. Not about fixing, reorienting, north star, and different every time.

Hiding. Weight, shine too bright, won't match, and autopilot. Pause moments, full extent, call ourselves out, and how I breathe. Belittle, undesirable, and part of the herd. Wired to survive, safety blanket, glimmers, just a little off, and a barrier.

This is part three! Head back to Episode 2:218 > 2:219 > here for it to make more sense. Responsibility. Thrust upon us, chop this all up, based on fear/love, and frickin fitness example. Good enough, work ish, how I feel, and not ours to carry. Out of our control, tasks, sticky to remove, the things that I gain, and stepping towards. You are allowed to grieve.

Notice. A draft, stable and secure, and will it be different. Doesn't trust me, ashamed, and being brave. Time is passing, annoyed at not making sense, and more of myself on the line. I will get some things wrong, burn that to the ground too, and they got me here. Character arc, grunt, and while I was cleaning my kitchen...(This was part two - Part one is the previous episode, 2:18!)

Unprecedented, frazzled, and at what cost. Rules. Small steps, excuses, working different muscles, and our arsenal. Patience, 100% mine, and three in one. Still don't know how I feel about it…

Mentally not winning any Olympic gold medals this week. Feeling low and the guilt, the missing out, and the disappointment. It's hard to make sense, reality check, and not texting them back. Brain is hibernating, knowing better, and the weird and simple joys.

Breathing. Maybe Wednesday, maybe not. Affirmations. That's all you need to know.

A lot of things happened today. Big cockroach, attractive human, and my being atrocious. Sweatshirt, inspired to participate, and attracting a mate. Attack of the blinds. Yawn. Walgreens disco talk.

Laundry saga continues and perpetuating a smelly cycle. Too lazy for the microphone, “biding,” hydration, and aliens are welcome. Weird dreams after a midnight pee break. Deja vu, I love you, mind in the gutter, and can't kill hope.

Laundry, phrase of the day, “save” being problematic and also highlighting my insecurity. Not having it together, not wanting to do harm, and not being good enough. A million ways to talk yourself out of it, kind and powerful, and having bad days. Expectation, big perfectionist energy, and having the balls to let it be unpolished. We all have saved ourselves a million times over. No one can know you like you know you. There will always be doubt. Nurturing faith in yourself, expanding, chef's kiss.

Future, past, and comparison. Not fix it mode, just noticing. Rebuilding awareness, where I spend time in my thoughts, and giving yourself the opportunity.

Classic Friday phenomenon, the file cabinet of my mind. Showing up when you don't know how. Fabric shaver lesson of the day. Making a mess of things and throwing the layered issues out the figurative and/or literal window. Crop parade, who I am now, and dumplings.

Almost Friday, pretend tomorrow is Saturday. I don't know. I don't know. You aren't required to be an expert on everything. Overwhelmed, overstimulated - zoom in or zoom out. The things that you live for, that you stay for.

Did some crying, cry your freaking eyes out. If only for right now, it's not about what you should feel. You. Peeling back layers, shadows, and all the noise. Flavors of me that I've forged for the world entangled in my idea of myself. Not the purest, not obsessing, and moments not for trying or choosing or anything extra.

Saying grumpy a whole bunch of times. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result and judging my boringness. There is no one way to be human, to do life. Comparison is the thief of joy, this too is part of your path, take care of yourself. You know your story too well, autopilot, and grace.

Entirely appalled, weehaw. Chirping. Eye doctor, new things, small talk, and lots of scaries. Crawling out of my skin, cross-eyed, blanket troll. Stopping, inventory, and getting specific. Sometimes we feel shitty and it feels shitty to feel shitty. A sliver more comfortable and carrying on.

Refilling my batteries via the beach. White pepper. Start, ready or not, you don't need to know anything else. Stumble, learn, don't wait.

Other people's words, blood donation, and worn out. Mary Oliver's “Messenger” - “All the ingredients are here.” Affirmations. A passage from Cleo Wade's “Heart Talk” - “You never know just how many people you may be a lighthouse for.”

Procrastination. The time you spend building yourself up versus tearing yourself down. The negative monologue you know backwards and forwards. Flip the script, even if you don't believe it yet. Deep breaths.

The cost of smallness, of giving up. What that person feels like. Inching closer, choosing, and staying. I have it on my wall now, mind maze, and feeling satisfied. Day to day life, sameness, and what else it could be like.

Pizza catastrophe. Spider and curtain rod situation. Never-mind. Breakfast for dinner. The clicking of my nightmares. And my face is breaking out as the icing on the cake.

Reminder 1 and 2. Birthright, unconditionally, brave, and putting pieces of yourself aside. Invisible, heart break, good company, and stumbling. Nothing can fix it, wholeness, butterflies, and flying.

Should be momentous. Lonely and task task task task day. Pausing moments, the in-between, lag, and facing life. Overwhelm of what you push aside and task moments being for others versus your time. Oh how I always wish, sigh. Moving forward and falling flat on our faces. Absorbed into doing while being mindful, being ourselves and what the cumulative job days feel like.

A bop to help me do housework. On a high where my dreams and goals feel possible, real, vivid, and inevitable. Generous energy that I'm grateful for and that I'm soaking in. Intuition and buts and pardon me taking a drink. Inspired by Iona Holloway's Instagram post today! “Doing the work” and the point and healing and being you. The addiction of fixing. Coming home to yourself. Live it up.

Glass shard confusion. File cabinet in need of handles and an ode to either me or a delivery person. You're not alone in anything that you feel and uncharted territory. Support yourself, I love you, take breaks, reach out, breathe, and do what you gotta do for you.

Indecision. Paralyzed, stuck, confused, and chaos. Choosing, layers, and recognizing the elements of fear. Huge brain monsters, system check, and the sensations of a yes and a no. Wisdom, certainty, freaking out, and which way the compass points.

Trying day, closet closing in, and an unsetting discovery. Creepy crawlies, Dawn dish soap, and surgery day. Bathtime battle scars, ordering dinner, and being on the upswing.

Feeling more, accessing what we've pushed aside, and building our capacity to allow emotions. Feeling can suck and we'll keep hitting the wall, the bumper. Surviving and learning. Recognition for how sticky it can be! In serious need of some synonyms for hard. We practice and wear numb, depleting our life force. Dip a toe, take a sip - you will not drown. Your invitation.

Workin' overtime, pouting, and the disappointment of things not going exactly as imagined. Life administration and where the fun is. Having blinders, mirrors, feeling alive, and shedding doubt.

Stuck in the how. Planning mode. Behind the scenes laundry basket business. Never feeling ready, the love child of perfectionism and control, and bending to reality. Not starting or taking action and missing out. We need the structure and the flow. The need to know how is also a symptom of my self doubt. Asking questions.

Futile nail polish removing situation. Guiltless menu options and the fury it incites in me. No nutrition facts are worth shaming yourself and what could you do with the time you spend worrying about food. I get it, and my relationship to food is still evolving, and it's not easy BUT you do not need to feel guilty for any meal. Let yourself eat, let the rules slip, and I love you.

7 minutes, mental picture moments, worth it, and hot as heck. Nacho cheese taquitos and brownies and ice cream. When you're carrying too much, it's harder to shift gears and life isn't a full body experience. Lackluster, darkness, allowing yourself to be supported, and staying here.

Strong medium Friday falling apart towards the end here. Engineering, the weirdness of “naughty,” and kicking over a cat food bowl. Not washing this day off because all motivation has been lost, amped up, pretending to sleep, and a gusty nighttime stranger knocking. Mac and cheese being worth the risk, floopy, and vocabulary lessons.

No one knows you better than you know yourself and no one has the answers. Many voices coming from outside but the one that is most important is yours. When you're lost, give yourself space to trust that you have what you need to keep going. No decision will ruin it all, there is no route that you can't recover from. Right, wrong, or whatever, you are finding your way. Heart-song on full blast.

Guiltless gravy thievery, yawning, and the ups and downs of the return trip to North Carolina. Bart the Airbnb cat, a foggy vineyard, and the coffee on the porch that wasn't in the cards. The cat hair cotton ball trail throughout the house and rowing the figurative boat in tumultuous waters.

Laughing at my last episode for its optimism. Shit show of overwhelm, crying, and ickiness. Heavy, confused, and bleary and there not being a route out, a “fix” for feeling this way. Sleeping it off, not being a robot, and doing what you can.

Cat sniffs take priority. Last night in Michigan, apprehension, and being steadfast in the chaos. Grateful, recognizing when I'm not being me, and something about stained glass. A non-metaphor and a brief song. Inching closer and a couple deep breaths.