Austin's Hot Takes

Are you sick and tired of “normal” podcasts that make you laugh with their “jokes”? Does getting praised by a complete stranger inflate your eggy? Do you ever wonder what do boats do? If you answered yes or no to any of these questions, then this episode is the thing for you! Hear Austin rant about bands, tubas, and dance teams. Marvel at the peckies of a shirtless Batman. And learn about the musical that started it all for Ms. Parton, Hello Dolly.

Sing us a song, you're the four-inch tall child-man… we're trying to honor Billy Joel here. Although, he would probably be rolling around in his grave if he heard our new game, Songs From a Caesarian Restaurant. Surprisingly, that's not the most horrific thing that happened this episode as the title might imply (but it's a dude cat so it's apparently okay). Perhaps equally horrifying are Austin's tales of eating a sopping wet bagel and a burger with a spoon and no brad handles. Oh, and the Napoleon joke. But “while all is warm at Yosemite,” remember to check your cat with a UV light.

*speaking Britishly so here's subtitles* In honour of our noble and first President (King) Benjamin Franklin, let us present the Hout Takes President's Day special! Producer's note: I have no idea why Austin is writing “Britishly” for an American holiday special but let's just go with it. We have gathered a merry collection of jests, a complaint or two regarding the water engine, and a tale of a bull and his fondness for a certain powder. Pray excuse us, kind sirs and madams, for any errors in our discourse of the Queen - Austin's wits are a wonder to behold, not a divining orb.

Austin: So here's a story from A to Liz-Z. You wanna be more than just a model, you gotta marry. *record scratch* Producer: And we're gonna stop right there… The most controversial part of this episode was SUPPOSED to be the Victoria Beckham pit of cluelessness Austin dug for himself, but this was recorded in February 2022. So when Austin said “what he wants, what he really really wants” was to do a hate episode on the British monarchy when the queen died, he did not intend to predict her actual demise. So please, British Royal Air Force, do not come after us, Cinnamon, Paprika, or Ginger.

OMG!!! Austin had too much margharitaaaaaaa!! Or was it lemonade?? ;);) Listen to this show and maybe you'll know!!! Hahahaha this eppie is like sooo fun. The funnest. There's this whole big sock thingy and weird fleshy fruits (peaches are like totally the avocados of fruit and that makes peach bread avocado toast). Oh also you can definitely skip leg day and do some pull-up thingies and your chest will look totes fabs k bye!!! #SWTWT

The cool kids these days are bopping about with hip new tidbits and whatchamacallits, so consider this your guide to what's lit and what's not it. Sleep kilts are totally in these days, but sleeping with more than zero decorative pillows is not dude! Swimming is lame bro, but pro-anti-swimmers are absolutely on fleek. No one gives two sheets about top or bottom sheets, but if you take a sheet that's $14, that's an epic gamer move. Also, making beds is for weenies.

Sah dude! (I told Austin it was “suh” but he wouldn't listen… now he's coming to the realization that “suh” actually does sound like “sup” as in “what's up” or just “whassup”… no he takes that back because he can't be wrong and “sah” is actually the “wha” sound in “whassup” so it makes sense… anyway that's just an aside from your lovely producer) That's also the end of this episode description. No, wait. Austin takes that back. He says I need to tell you about his really awesome flannel shirt that looks like an 80s arcade threw up on it... as if you can't read the title of this episode.

This episode is about hair, babies, and water. And also pirates? And jag-wires? And long brunettes who can sing? Yeah, that sounds about right. Plus, Jeremy's back (from the dead), Annie's added blueberries to her list of fruits that she irrationally hates, and Justin derailed the episode by talking about SNL for thirty minutes (we cut that, you're welcome… but we can blame that one on William Pirate Baird O'Connell Whispers)

In lieu of an actual description, here's a useful list of life tips: Don't name your child Hugo. If you want to make something groovy, use jazz hands. Get a job if you watch the weather channel. If you're a weatherman, just become a horse race announcer for the three meaningful horse races a year. And most importantly, don't go to The Cheesecake Factory and order salad. Also featured in this episode: at least 21.7 minutes reviewing the movie about the boy in the desert with his mother.

No time for intro! Hitting you with hot date takes harder than Annie hits her sticks of butter! 1. Brush teeth after raviolis 2. Like a good listener, State Farm is there 3. No phones! Edna Mode 4. Ask questions like the riddler but in reverse I think… 30. Do not eat saktines before bed. Bad Austin! Eat more ice cream! 38. Right armpit stain will it dry? 46. Living like jungle man bad 52. Talk like an 18th century British doctor 63. Compliment and a handshake. What is this 1940s France? 69. You are either an over the top counter clockwise toilet paper roll or you're a loser.

Stop the presses! Stop 'em right now! This might be new season worthy! But only if you count Austin listening to and maybe liking one Kanye song and the entire Spiderverse soundtrack because he might like rap now? Something that's not non-cowboy hat country?! It just might be the solution to him feeling his elbows, but if it's anything like his new sleep solutions (being soaking wet before bed and tying his eyes down with a rainbow bandana) then you're going to need a mixed drink of sand and foot sweat to get through this one.

Life is a highway and if you're going to ride it, don't use a bike and get out of Austin's way. Bikes are illegal, and you deserve to be hit by a spring-loaded boxing glove ejected from the side of a car. On an unrelated note, I (your lovely producer) am contractually obligated to tell you that Austin is not short. Austin is 5' 6” according to his doctor, and he definitely does not have the “spirit of a giant bodybuilder in the frame of a 4 inch tall man.”

Remember Season 1 Episode 1 when Austin didn't know how microwaves worked? Remember how we talked about that for a solid 40 minutes because we thought THAT was the worst thing Austin didn't understand? Well, he still hasn't evolved in any way. So here to solve his problems are: a giant metal hot rod, bigger microwaves, and government microwave attendants funded by taxpayer dollars. Also, we should violate the Geneva Convention to kill bees except bumblebees (but only if they rebrand themselves).

There is a six point ninth dimension beyond that which is known to SWTs. A dimension where radar and sonar actually acronym right. Where dresser drawer Swifties emerge from their house graveyards cuddling broccoli sweater kittens, and spaghetti is a Pokemon type. A world where you can apply so many nodules of deoderant with your four arms with the graceful whipping of a samurai sword. And where Maryland is still stupid and lame. Is gravity real?

ATTENTION! If you or a loved one has experienced unfathomable pain less than 24 hours after being declared to be in “peak physical health” by a medical professional, you may be in danger of dying before the age of 30. Common side effects may include: barely meeting the height requirement for dating, an insatiable desire to kill all trees to rid the world of paper, and the inability to tell if your tomatoes are rotten without asking your roommate to lick them. Call your doctor right away if you have trouble sleeping in your pillow cave, frequently cut off all circulation to your arm, and wake up at 5am invigorated with energy.

G'day mateys we're coming at you sloopdingers and swampfrazzles live from the dragonball Z version of Australia! Hope you slipped on your slick'ums and undeviated your septums because we've got some gas waitresses to woo for Austin. Plus, Jeremy tackles taxes with his latest Jeremæform, and that's definitely the most exciting way to end this description.

Go outside! Get out of your London 1812 bunker and start singing at half mast because Austin and Alex have finally agreed on something! They have put aside their differences on number words and neck tinglers to cyberbully the short-necked giraffe lover formerly known as Annie (we made her change her name for legal alliterative purposes).

Put on some Wham! (not George Michael) and hop in a monobob (but not with a penguin) because it's the second annual AHT Valentine's Day Special! If you need some good custom pickup lines for your “girlfiend,” you've come to the wrong place. And if you're looking to marry Jeremy (because who isn't), be sure to follow his updated list of desired (and subconsciously required) traits in the ideal mate, including bed pillow quotas and read receipts…

New year, new feuds! Just like George Washington and the Fluffigans coming together on Christmas Day, Michelle has rejoined us to discuss everything but the reason Austin declared war against her. Learn about philophers, icky mouth metal, and how to properly saw through food with a butter knife. And as tradition, the thought manifestation for 2022 will be revealed in horrible fashion.

It's the holiday season and what better way to celebrate Fang Santa's arrival than by spending time gluing puzzles together with duct tape with fully lingual and potty trained babies in the warm, flickering glow of a Mario-scented candle that smells like plumbing and mushrooms? And most importantly, be sure to listen to Austin's Holiday Poem of Wishes plus two brand new Christmas games about the things we hate most: Hallmark movies and overpriced stupid gifts. And of course, it wouldn't be an Austi Christmas if Baby Jesus didn't come out of the womb to say there's a new not offensive Austin carol waiting just for you!

We have prepared a special menu for you on this unspecial holiday. As our appetizer, we begin with the Pledge of Abhorrence with a side of Unthankful Lamenting of all things Austin hates including boring license plates, the names Geoff, Oswald, and Leopold, and the recurring traumatic nightmare of Alex in a wedding dress. For our main course, we will devote the Sacrificial Hate Chicken to the item most deserving of jail and Satan this year and summon Jonathan Edwards, George Whitfield, and John Winthrop from the grave to give their fire and brimstone energy to us.

Prepare for scare! What's more horrifying than one Austin? 50% of Austin! Our producer, Gianna joins us to relive her triple double failed lunch nightmare (you be the judge of which sibling is worse) and be tortured by a brand new NJ gas waitress rap. We also dive into the smush factor of aerodynamics relating to sleep, the world's hyper obsession with Zebdata, and throwing grape Jolley Ranchers at SWTs in stupid, dumb costumes.

Today, we are going to discuss facts and only facts. Like if we had Bucky Barnes fighting in the Revolutionary War for us, Ben Franklin would've been our first president. And if your kid plays gacha games, they're better off doing drugs. Also, the CEO of trains is the conductor. Most importantly, you WILL go into flames if you ever mail Austin a birthday card

Disclaimer: everything discussed in this episode was entirely for comedic purposes. Jeremy will promptly slap Austin in the face for every dumb idea mentioned in this episode. Austin's Hot Takes LLC does not endorse in any way, shape, or form the concept of SWMSWAM, except for profiting off of the lanyard and sticker market. Oh and also the Amish market after we trick them into using wooden technology.

There comes a point in one's life when one takes that first glorious bite into an olive. And when they do, they unconsciously engrain a permanent pattern for olive consumption they follow for the rest of their lives until one day they come across another beautifully minded human consuming an olive in a different, yet intricate manner. And then in a murderous rage, one climbs the Empire State and drops a grape Jolly Rancher onto the other olive eater's head. Life can be short and still meaningful, yet this description is neither.

Do you know all those things your dentist tells you not to do? And all those things they don't tell you not to do because they assume you're smart enough not to do them? Yeah, well… here's an episode dedicated to Austin's personal hygiene. Bathroom routines include: sawing back and forth with a floss pick, washing your back with a soap wall, and avoiding icky minty toothpaste on your tongue at all costs.

Jump into the mind of Jeremy as he solves physics by launching all of our garbage into space and then taking money from all research and putting it into worthwhile investments like the Austizon. Do you want a dictator in your kitchen to yell at customer service workers when your shoes are untied? Order the Amazon Austizon now and we'll throw in the first ever boxed set of Austin Against Humanity! (box not included)

It literally cannot get worse than this. Austin has written a “rap” (?) about love and COVID. If you are a music major or know anything about rhythm or what music is supposed to sound like, cover your ears. Also featured this episode: the body towel sandwich, flesh bulbs, and teaching Austin that you shouldn't stick a fork in a toaster because apparently that's something that needs to be said.

Hot, hot oh wuhgottum and by wuhgottum, we mean we've got big plans and theories this episode. Get ready to drive your head in the face with a driver, cover Annie's car in old bay crab dip and crabs, and dip mozzarella sticks in liquid fat! Plus, if you love WandaVision you'll hate this theory more than Austin hates yogurt (punishable by death).

HAPPY FANG DAY! Austi award winner, Tim joins us to celebrate the second annual AHT Fang Day. Hear about the AHT crew's many plots to kill Austin, the Animorphs layer of the Earth, and the magic pills that might just make vegetables legal.

Celebrating one year of AHT, this is the AUSTIIIIIIIIII'S! Relive some of the most iconic hot takes moments in this past 11th Y.O.O.F. (Year of Our Fang) as we award AUSTI's in categories such as “Plan Most Likely to Succeed if it Worked,” “Deserves Most Jail and Satan,” “The Austin-ism” (The Best Thought Nugget Bequeathed Upon Thee by Me on Air), and much more!

Privet! After years of Put-in in hard work, Austin (and others) have graduated college… and Jeremy has more than a couple complaints. Hear about Austin's Swedish rock band transcript and his “turd-nuggeting crayon-licking trombone-farting miniscule smoothbrained dummy professor.” Also of note: his raging Hulk smash mode in the heat and Jeremæforms about politics and the arts.

Words cannot describe the pure chaos of this week's episode so here's a bunch of inspirational quotes instead. “Peaches are orange cousins” | “They say oxygen doesn't grow on trees but it does” | “Can you give mouth to mouth to a plant?” | “If we did it, could we do it?” But wait… there's more! Hear about the hoops that Austin leaps through just to avoid taking his socks off with his hands.

It's the Star Wars Hot-Take-iday Special! Darth Andrew the Wise, the man who bequeathed all of his Star Wars knowledge unto Austin when he was a wee little Padawan (high school), joins us to discuss uh… Star Wars, duh. Hear about the legends of the Space British, The Emperor Strikes Austin, and Austin's twin sons Maul and Mace.

It's Season 3 of AHT (Austin did a U-turn which constitutes an important life milestone and therefore a new season). Annie unveils parts A and B of her plan for world domination previously mentioned on E24: E25. Also, Austin gets blasted in the face with hot gas, has a positive customer service interaction with Neck Beard, and learns how to safely drink orange juice. Bonus: Jeremy debuts Proclamation or BS Nation.

Ooh la la! Get ready for a potluck of steaming hot takes, ranging from Austin's fear of fast food drive thrus to his hatred for Pixar movies starring humans. Plus, if you get confused by Swiss cheese and Swahili, Justin has the perfect geography game for you! Fun Fact: two lobsters don't make a biscuit.

On this week's episode, Annie and Jeremy rant about the pointlessness of New Year's resolutions, and Austin resolves to plot even more vengeance on the frat bros. Plus, the debut of Punderland: a horrible game dedicated to Austin's even more horrible puns!

Get those rhyming thought manifestations ready! It's been 2021 for 3 months now so we only have 9 more months for this to come true! Learn about Little Batman Orphan Annie and hear about the horrific foods Austin was forced to eat in Vermont, including “ovally” baked beans *shudders*

Put on some Stevie Wonder and grab your totally not seductive Coke can because it's the AHT Valentine's Day Special! If you are a carnivorous non-SWT, find out the keys to Austin's heart. And if you're looking to marry Jeremy, we hope you despise skim milk and know your woodpeckers because this perfect Canadian man requires perfection.

Woe! Woe indeed! Come hear the tragedy of Darth Grayder and the “drive of shame” it took to bring him back to us. But all is not lost! The money sock (patent pending) is perhaps the most powerful Richy Quicky yet! Order now and we'll throw in free Croutomelons (also patent pending) for all your citrus-infused ravioli needs.

Hold onto your sausage and your chef hats because this week's episode is a recipe for disaster! From the maker of the “Salad on Bread” comes a new inexplicably unexplainable creation. It's time to open up your human-person three-sided square window and wrestle with a hanger for your jacket because the bee density outside is frightful.

Yes, you heard that right! Witness the live premiere of the most INCLUSIVE Christmas Carol of all time (we apologize in advance for Austin's “singing”). The holidays are a wonderful time of year filled with capitalism and consumerism so celebrate with Santa Jeff Bezos as he travels the world delivering presents in an Amazon delivery truck. Plus, nothing says Christmas like Annie's plan for world domination!

Bustin Justin hosts a smörgåsbord of hot takes today about the deer family tree centered on the key belief that deer are short horses and giraffes are long horses. Also, have you ever wondered what the dictionary definition of a clenched buttcheek is? Have you ever been to Tampa Bay, Canada? Do lobsters have thumbs? What ever happened to “Left Pennsylvania?” Prepare to have all of these questions remain unanswered on this week's AHT.

Journey aboard the Sasquatch, the Squanto, and the Santa Maria with us as Austin and Jeremy break down why Thanksgiving dinner is the single most overrated meal of the year. Learn how the first Thanksgiving evolved from Pocahontas, John Rolfe, and Charlie Brown into a modern-day lie centered on the world's most worthless bird.

If you thought Austin was uncultured before, wait until you hear his reviews of movies he's never seen. Self-proclaimed movie expert Nate weighs in on the important issues like why every movie with Leonardo “DiCaprio” is Oscar-bait trash and if humans can be right-mouthed. Warning: you are about to hear a very detailed and horrifying sequence of events about Austin's pee test from hell.

What would you do for a Blonde-Ike bar? In this week's episode, Austin goes through character development... after watching Legally Blonde; he now hates sororities less than he did in Episode 18. Also, hear about his plan to deliver newborn babies with Amazon, the four horses of the apocalypse (spoiler alert: one is soup), and the water sandwiches of America.

Join us for a spooky, scary episode of AHT where we discuss the fourth-best holiday of the year. Find out which candies are “actually good,” “decent,” “utter burning garbage,” “banned eww seriously why,” and “you deserve jail and satan.” Plus, we discuss how to defeat sexy Halloween costumes and denim girl shorts!

In this week's episode, you'll get to enjoy a high-quality haiku about deodorant and a slightly evil and totalitarian plan for overthrowing all of the stereotypical frat guys. Also, Austin spends an incredibly unnecessary amount of time discussing overtures and why they're confusing. As a bonus, get to hear the Austionary definition that broke the world.

So why DON'T bears need to wear sunscreen? Do turtles hibernate? Are bears bald? We explore and fail to answer these enigmas of Austin's mind in this week's episode. Also hear about Austin's revolutionary new goopy food invention: Mac'N'tatoes and how he's going to sue bad Mac and cheese makers, we think??? Also, if your name's not Austin, Justin, Kaci, Mace, Obi-Wan, or Blaziken, your name is overused garbage.

Ring in the autumn season with us as we discuss Austin's hatred of all the seasons (Surprise! It's bees again). We also revamped Justin's Hot Fakes for season 2 where we forced Justin to channel his inner Austin to puzzle the AHT crew. Other topics include Mousequake, Darth Vape-er, and How the Grinchilla Stole Christmas.

In honor of Austin's important life milestone (he bought groceries for the first time and hated it), we adventure into season 2 of AHT! Emily, our #1 fan, joins us to talk about how Austin survived knives that wanted to stab him in the kitchen and “embarrisohg” human interactions at ACME. Also hear about how Austin's metric time is much better than Galileo's invention of time, his inability to tie shoes, and his desire to be a Girl Scout.