The Man Rules

Welp. Here we are. The final episode of The Man Rules podcast. Dan and Andrea (the show's producer) take the opportunity to reminisce, reflect, and ruminate on what might be next...   Sometimes, abundance comes from letting go. You've gotta make room to receive whatever gifts may be coming your way. Thank you for making room for The Man Rules podcast. We hope your time with is was only the beginning of your journey toward freedom and personal fulfillment.

There's no tenure for manhood. The false promise of The Man Rules, is that if you follow them closely enough, for long enough, you will soon rest easy in your identity as man. But, the truth is, a man's status as a man will have to constantly renewed--daily. Sometimes hourly! Think of all the opportunities he has throughout the day to mess up, and have his man card revoked! (Men: For help with this exercise, see the list of The Man Rules, and ask yourself how many you've followed and how many you've broken today.) In this episode, based on the final chapter in Dan and Allen's forthcoming book, we talk about one of the most frequent opportunities men have to feel emasculated--when someone asks them a question for which they do not have an answer.    Women: Dan and Allen help you understand why your man seems to cling so stubbornly to giving advice and solving all your problems for you when you really just want him to listen. Men: Dan and Allen will help you recognize whether you're suffering from working so hard to avoid the discomfort of not knowing, the constant need to prove how much you know, and idea that you should not have to work to know the answers--you should be born knowing, if you are a real man. Dan and Allen don't have all the answers, but they do have their own experiences in learning to let go of the need to know, and they share those with you in order to help you improve your relationships.

All stories we relate to are based either on our wishes or on our fears. Sometimes--or maybe even often--both. That's what makes this week's episode with friend of the show Rick Belden such a powerful one. Rick leads Dan through a fascinating discussion about the ways in which we internalize our favorite childhood stories to develop personal mythologies and use them to guide the ways we show up in the world. Though it may seem a little silly to you at first, if you try the exercise Dan and Rick go through on the show, we think you'll be surprised by how much personal insight you'll gain by revisiting your childhood heroes.    If you feel like sharing, we'd love to hear who your mythological figure was as child, and what they meant to you. (Note: Real people can serve as mythological characters. Basketball legend Michael Jordan, for example, is a real person, but also a myth to the many kids who grew up admiring him.) Please let us know on Facebook or in the blog comments. 

This week, friend of the show Dr. Michael Levittan is back to help us sort through the many changes in our expectations of men and women over the years, and how psychology and psychotherapy have played a role in helping shape and guide those changes.    The conversation centers around the American Psychological Association's latest recommendations for treating men, and branches out into a lively discussion about what "traditional masculinity" means, and whether there are some aspects of masculinity that are helpful, rather than harmful. It ends with some tips for men how to seize on this unique point in history to grow and evolve as a man.

After more than two years of operation, we have made the difficult decision to end production of The Man Rules podcast. So, this week Dan's solo episode--his last solo episode--is about what it means to embrace change.    One thing we know for sure is that change is constant. It's not good or bad. The amount of control you have over what changes and what doesn't is very limited. (Some folks even believe that in most cases, you have no control at all.) So, what do you do with that? Short answer: You roll with it.  The more you can embrace change, and look for what it might be trying to teach you, the more your life will flow freely. We are grateful to all of you who have surfed the waves of change with us over the years, and will continue on your own journeys. We wish you all the best. 

Early sobriety can be lonely. Many people recovering from alcohol and other substance use disorders find that they have to change their entire social structure. And, that's not something that happens overnight. It takes time to develop an entirely new social life when you've had to leave the old one, that was built around substance use, behind. Many people believe that they will have to give up activities where drinking and drug use are sometimes considered "the norm,"--like concerts and sporting events-- for fear of losing their sobriety.    But, thanks to Duke Rumely and his organization S.AF.E (Sober As F$@# Entertainment), people in recovery can safely attend events that otherwise may have triggered their addictions. The organization's goal is to create "sober safe zones" at sporting events, concerts, and other social gatherings. In this episode, he talks with Dan about the importance of staving off loneliness and boredom in maintaining sobriety and about the power of community.  

"If you're not first, you're last." That's the mantra of Ricky Bobby, a champion NASCAR driver (played by Will Ferrell) in the cinematic masterpiece, "Talledega Nights." The great thing about that quote, and about the movie, is that it gently pokes fun at The Man Rule that says real men always win. And, in the process, helps us begin to see that rule in a new way--or maybe to see it for the first time if it's been part of The Water for you most of your life.    In this episode, Dan and Allen talk about The Winning Rule, a chapter from their forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren't Too Busy Watching TV. They break down the ways in which the Winning Rule affects relationships, and show us how we can become more conscious of The Winning Rule and recognize when it's hijacked our reactions and behaviors. 

Dr. Lou Cox has studied the ego for decades. He joins Dan to talk about his work and his new book, Ego: The Ghost in Your Machinery. Specifically, he and Dan talk about the male ego and how men thrive and suffer as a result of their dances with the ego. Cox talks about two essential needs every human being has: the need to be accepted and the need to be true to who we are, our own unique self-expression. These two needs can be in conflict with each other which creates confusion and feelings of disconnection. These needs are pure when we are children but they gradually, and seemingly inevitably, get corrupted by our conditioning from our parents and society. The ego is this complex combination of all the ways that someone tries to meet those needs and be safe. Ultimately, Cox says, while we cannot overcome the ego we can step aside from it and move toward our native, and more authentic and vulnerable, self. At the end of the day it comes down to a person being willing to realize that they have unconscious parts of themselves that can run the show without them realizing it. The more awareness the more you can see those parts and make different decisions about who and how you want to be.

This week, Dan's back with an update on our makeshift pledge drive. We hear from Noah, a longtime listener who has pledged his support, and Dan makes a case for you all to be like Noah. (If you can.)    Would you be willing to offer a small monthly donation to keep the podcast running? (Say, around $5 or $10 a month?) If so, send an email to dan@themanrules.com and let us know you're interested. If enough folks say “yes” we'll go through the process of setting up an official donation channel…  

Chances are, you've had several relationships throughout your life. Some are ongoing (friends, family, etc.) Some ended. (boyfriends/girlfriends, spouses, lovers.) Some maybe even ended badly. If you reflect on the relationships that ended badly, and on the times in your ongoing relationships where things weren't going so well, do you notice any patterns in your behavior and reactions? If so, you are likely starting to uncover your attachment style.    In this episode, Dr. Ron Frederick, psychologist and author of "Loving Like You Mean It" breaks down the four basic attachment styles, explains where they come from (childhood, of course), and how to use emotional mindfulness to build stronger, healthier and happier relationships. He also offers up a simple, four-step approach to help you break free from old habits, befriend your emotional experience, and develop new ways of relating.    

Thankfully, discussions about gender conformity and its influence on mental health, crime, and violence have hit the mainstream. A big part of that discussion focuses on the idea of "toxic masculinity." Is masculinity itself at the center of all of mens' problems? And are men at the center of all the world's problems? It can certainly feel that way if you spend a lot of time on Twitter...    Randy Flood, author of the best article on toxic masculinity we've ever read (as well as several other books and articles about men's issues) is on the podcast this week to set the record straight on what toxic masculinity is, and what it isn't. He helps us understand that traits that are considered "masculine" aren't toxic, but that the rigid adherence to those traits in all situations, even when they are damaging to self or others, is. 

We've been producing episodes of The Man Rules podcast every week for almost 2.5 years now. It's been an honor to provide this for free to our listeners as a resource for those in recovery, and those who just want to live more conscious lives.   Unfortunately, we've reached a crossroads with the show. If we can't find a source of funding to cover the show's monthly expenses, we'll have to discontinue production.   Would you be willing to offer a small monthly donation to keep the podcast running? (Say, around $5 a month?) If so, send an email todan@themanrules.com and let us know you're interested. If enough folks say "yes" we'll go through the process of setting up an official donation channel...

When we think about addiction and recovery, we tend to think specifically about drugs--both recreational and prescription-- including alcohol. But, some people struggle with other substances and behaviors that we don't often talk about when we talk about addiction--things like compulsive shopping/spending, work addiction, video game addiction, porn addiction, and compulsive overeating, to name a few.    In this episode, Andrea (producer extraordinaire of our podcast) talks vulnerably with Dan about her own struggles with an addiction to sugar and other disordered eating behaviors. She discusses the ups and downs of recovery from an issue that many don't understand and yet is an epidemic in this country. 

Is love a feeling or an action? Is it a choice we make, or is the result of a magical bond with another person that is impossible to explain? Do you decide to be a loving person, or are you just born that way?    If you've listened to this podcast before, you've probably guessed that the answer is "both/and." Psychiatrist Michael McGee joins Dan this week to talk about love as both a practice and a guiding principle. And, this is not mere navel-gazing, people. Dr. McGee breaks it down into a series of practical steps to being more connected, more purpose-driven, and more fulfilled by building a more loving presence.

"If it's true that men want sex 24/7, what does it mean if he won't have sex with me?"  "Why won't he engage in foreplay before sex or cuddling after? There's no affection or intimacy." "Why is sex only about what he wants? Doesn't what I want matter?"   If you're a woman who has asked yourself these questions about your man, you are certainly not alone. Why are these issues so common in relationships? And what can be done about it?     This week, Allen Berger is back to help Dan shed some light on the thing that often prevents men from experiencing real intimacy through sex--fear. Specifically, the fear of violating the man rule pertaining to sex, which frankly might also be called "the porn rule" because so much porn reinforces a very narrow perspective on what men should want, how they should behave, and how they should approach sex in general--but, we digress.    Listen for a very candid discussion of the fears and false beliefs that likely limit your man's expression of his sexuality and find out how to work alongside him in overcoming them. 

Look around your local gym long enough, and you're likely to see the phrase "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional," emblazoned on a bumper sticker, a T-shirt, or a bicep in the form of a tattoo. It's one thing to adopt that mantra as a way to encourage yourself to eke out one more rep or run one more minute. It's another to adopt it as an overall way of life.    That's what Byron Katie specializes in. "The Work" that it takes to wake up to reality, let go of negative perceptions about yourself and your place in the world and to stop judging - others and yourself. Ask yourself a series of four questions when you're having a strong emotional reaction-- 1. Is it true?  2. Can I be sure that it's true?  3. How do I react when I believe that it's true?  4. Who would I be without this thought?   If you do this simple--but not easy--exercise on a regular basis you can begin to opt-out of suffering and make more conscious decisions about your life.    And remember, as Katie says: Reality is always kind. It's just that we so rarely live in it.

Our culture is weird about sex. We're surrounded by allusions to it constantly--in our advertisements, TV shows, movies, music, websites--but it's rare for any of those mediums to address it in a way that isn't salacious or jokey. It's rare to see any real or fictional characters in popular media talking about sex in a way that's mature and reflective. In this episode, Dan gives a short talk on what it might mean for men if we all started having more earnest conversations about sex, reflecting on what we want from it, what we need from it, and what it means to us personally. How can we move beyond some of the unhealthy and unrealistic expectations The Water sets up for us, and define our own sexuality. 

Men's experiences as fathers are more varied than popular culture would have you believe. Although the doors are beginning to open a little wider for men who want to take on duties that were traditionally only part of Mom's domain, there is still a lot of stigma to battle.    Today, in honor of Father's Month, Nate Brewer talks to Dan about his experiences as a stay-at-home Dad. He explains both how he made the decision to stay home with his kids, and how people tend to react to the revelation that parenting is his full-time job.    If you are also a stay-at-home Dad, Nate's story will help you feel less alone. If you have some assumptions about what being a stay-at-home Dad means--playing video games in your pajamas all day, perhaps?-- his story will likely entirely change your perception. 

When we become fathers, so many of our choices are reactions to how our fathers raised us. We often either fall in line with his expectations, or rebel against them. Either way, we aren't really making our own choices, based on who we most want to be.    In this episode, Dan and Allen offer up some exercises you can do to begin to separate your own needs and desires from your father's. It's the first step toward developing more conscious fatherhood, and more conscious masculinity. 

In honor of both Father's Month and Pride Month, we're replaying this episode from 2018, featuring the late Tim Clausen. Tim interviewed more than 80 men for his book Not the Son He Expected: Gay Men Talk Candidly About Their Relationship with Their Father. The book, and Tim's interview here on the podcast, are helpful and encouraging resources for gay sons, their fathers, and for all those who love and care about them. Tim's own personal stories about his relationship with his father, and his relationship with his own son, serve as great examples of how to live with emotional courage while navigating the powerful, and sometimes troubling, relationships between fathers and sons.      

It's not easy being a dad--at least not all the time. There were no manuals. No instruction. No classes. Not really. And so, as Dan says all the time, we do it imperfectly. We try to parent consciously, but we fail. A lot. What if, as a lot of the modern-day gurus attest, that feeling wasn't a bad thing? What if it was part and parcel of success?  What if we could celebrate our failures? This week, Dan talks about what it's like to fail sometimes at being a father and the challenges of accepting that failure and forgiving himself. And, the challenge of being truly willing to truly be okay with doing things imperfectly.  

When you have sex (or masturbate) do you have a goal in mind? Do you approach each sexual encounter with an unconscious strategy toward the endgame? (C'MON OF COURSE YOU DO.) Cam Fraser, a certified sexologist, Yoga teacher, and pioneer of conscious sexuality, is here to explain that by taking a goal-oriented approach to sex, you might be selling yourself, and/or your partner short. Cam posits that all of our experiences are based in three relationships: our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with our deeper consciousness, and our relationship to our environment and other people. In this episode, he offers tips for deepening our relationship in all three areas, through the practice of giving and receiving pleasure, while expanding the focus of sex beyond orgasm and ejaculation. 

Being "cool" is ultimately about fitting in. And, unfortunately, one of the requirements of fitting in for most men--whether their definition of "cool" leans more toward the Jock table or the Dungeons 'n Dragons table--is pretending that you have no need for emotional connection. In fact, you have no need for emotions at all.  Do we even need to point out that this can seriously complicate relationships?  In this episode, Dan and Allen Berger explain what women need to know about the ways in which "The Cool Rule" affects their man and their relationship with him. As a caring partner, how can women help the men in their lives finally chip away the ice, and live as the man he is, rather than as the man he thinks everyone wants him to be? 

It was a true honor to have Claudia Black, a pioneer in the study of the impact alcoholism has on families, join us on The Man Rules podcast. Claudia has dedicated her life to looking at the impact of trauma on family systems and the generational impact of alcoholism and other addictions. In this week's episode, Dan and Claudia talk about what makes shame and trauma are so powerful and how to better recognize their impact. Claudia breaks down exactly what trauma is and provides some practical resources to help listeners deal with the effects of "little t" trauma. To learn more, check out her latest book, "Unspoken Legacy."  

Listeners of The Man Rules podcasts tend to be types who, in one way or another, want to live better. They want to free themselves from the limitations placed on them by society's rules for how men should behave. They want to move beyond the fears and emotional barriers that keep them disconnected from others. They want to move beyond addiction, shame, trauma, and self-doubt and live life as consciously and completely as they can.    All of this takes work. A lot of work. Constant, daily, continuous work. And work--well--sometimes it sucks. Although the work we're talking about on our show comes with many invaluable rewards, you can still get burnt out by sometimes. That's why, as Dan explains in this solo episode, it's important to give yourself a break, in order to prevent yourself from giving up. 

Everyone told you being a Dad would be hard, right? Many probably even said, “Nothing can prepare you…” And, man, they were so right. There's nothing we can tell you to make the transition to being a new Dad a smooth and easy one, but we can help you figure out how to be more involved, more present, and more engaged as a parent and a partner. That's what we're aiming to do in this series of Daddy Downloads based on Dan's forthcoming book about fatherhood. In this episode, Dan explains why it's important for each Dad to know his story. Your story includes elements of who you've been, who you are now, and who you want to be as a father. How did your father shape your ideas about what it means to be a Dad? Which of his examples do you want to take with you as you build your own story, and which would you rather leave behind? Giving some thought to these questions will allow you to consciously choose how you show up day-to-day in your child's life, rather than simply acting out a script written for you by our culture and your past.

Have you ever asked yourself that question? You may think, "procreation, of course" but that doesn't explain why people who don't want kids have sex. If you say, "fun and pleasure," that doesn't explain why, for the most part, we still seek out sex with other humans--even in an era where we can access porn within seconds, have sex toys discretely delivered to our doorsteps in two days or less, and maybe even order ourselves a sex robot, if all we really need are no-fuss orgasms. The only explanation left, is that sex allows us to feel a certain type of connection and intimacy with another human being, that is difficult to achieve in any other way. In this episode, Alexandra Katehakis of The Center for Healthy Sex is back to talk to Dan about sex and intimacy, and how men can begin to identify what they really want and need from a sexual partner, which is often hidden--even from themselves--by The Man Rules, which tell them what they should want.  

As a kid, you probably wanted to be cool. And if you were a boy, being cool meant being tough. Being tough meant being able to fight and win. If you weren't tough, you immediately felt inadequate. You weren't going to be able to protect yourself, you weren't going to be able to protect anyone else, and women were not going to be attracted to you. But, as with every Man Rule, there's a positive side. The Fight Rule and the Protector Rule are closely related. Often the fight can inspire men to protect and defend the people, institutions, and values that we hold dear. In this episode, Allen and Dan talk about their conflicting feelings of fear, shame, and pride in their own personal histories with fighting.  

Money. Everybody wants it; nobody wants to talk about it. Except Dan, of course, and his friend and financial advisor Marty McAlpin. In this episode, they give an overview of various money disorders and help us increase our financial vocabulary. In addition to helping us understand the difference between a will and living trust, Marty brings to light the shame many of us have around money, the behaviors that result from that shame, and the impact those behaviors can have on our lives and relationships. If you've been wanting to tackle your finances but weren't sure where to start, listen up and follow Marty's road map.

If you're a man, chances are, at some point when you were a boy, a man in your family made a conscious effort to teach you how to properly throw a punch. That was a skill you would need as you grew into manhood and it was just an unquestionable fact. Boys fight. Men fight. The manliest men fight well enough to win. Dan talks today about The Man Rule that tells men they must fight--for survival, for respect, and sometimes just for the hell of it--and how that affects their self-perception and their relationships. What does it mean for men to be raised in a way that both implicitly and explicitly tells them that violence and asserting dominance is the “right” way for a man to solve a conflict?   And, in what ways can the desire to fight actually be a positive thing?   Listen to Dan's thoughts, and then let us know what you think in the comments below. (Or, on Facebook.)

The rules have changed for being a Dad. There's a lot of pressure these days for men to be more emotionally involved in parenting than their Dads were. But without role models, guidance and support for making these radical changes, what's a Dad to do? That's why Dan is writing a book with a working title of Awesome Dads. He's interviewed more than 30 Dads in all stages of parenthood and collected their best tips and advice. In this new podcast series, Dan will focus on one of the new rules for Dads each month, giving you a little bit of the guidance and encouragement you need to be as awesome a Dad as you can be. In this, the first episode of the series, Dan explains the intent of his new book and reads an excerpt.

One of  the most frequently mentioned Man Rules is “don't be weak.” As a result, many men end up feeling ashamed when they become ill or injured. “Don't be weak” may also be at the heart of a man's resistance to acknowledging his, and everyone's, ultimate weakness--that they are mortal. Rick Belden is back on this week's show to talk with Dan about facing unexpected major illnesses, and reckoning with the inevitable--and often unpredictable--end of life. We know—This episode sounds like a total drag. Why would anyone want to spend 45 minutes of their already too-short lives listening to two guys talk about death? Well… Because it's something we all have to make peace with at one time or another, and it's hard to make peace with anything you aren't comfortable talking about. We hope this conversation might open doors to your own conversations with your friends and loved ones about the ultimate end, and how you can all support one another in the precious meantime.    

Once a month, Dan and Dr. Allen Berger sit down to talk about a chapter from their forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You…If We Weren't Too Busy Watching TV. The title of book is meant to be humorous, but it speaks to the real frustration that many women experience in their (heterosexual) relationships. The book breaks down each of The Man Rules in an effort to help women understand the roots of men's sometimes baffling responses to intimacy, commitment, and vulnerability. This week, Dan and Allen explore The Protector Rule, and how it can bring out both the best and the worst in a man. The protector rule is often what drives a man to protect the family and the community he cares deeply about it. But, it also drives some men to justify cruel behavior toward their partners with the assumption that “it's for her own good.”  Dan and Allen help both men and women recognize how The Protector Rule is at play in their relationship in both negative and positive ways.

Once Tidying up with Marie Kondo hit Netflix this past January, it seemed like everyone was suddenly talking about the real impact of household upkeep on our minds, bodies, and spirits. Of course, conversations about the division of household labor are not new to anyone who is married, lives with a partner, or lives with roommates. It's often a topic that is loaded with anger and resentment, and that becomes a stand-in argument for any number of relationship troubles deemed too messy to even begin sorting out. In this episode, Dan and Andrea discuss the show and its impact on their own personal messes and relationships. Has folding socks and towels more consciously helped them to live more consciously? Listen to find out. Also, please email ideas@themanrules.com or find Dan on Facebook (DanGriffinMA) to tell us what you think about the KonMari Method, explain how you split household duties with your co-dwellers, or tell us your favorite stain removal tips. Whatever! We'd just love to hear from you.

Dan traveled to Rio de Janeiro, and really stepped in it. Well, except he didn't really step in it. He just thought he did. You're really going to have to listen to him explain this one. Then, go to Dan's Facebook page, and tell us your story: Have you ever felt you had to do something you weren't proud of just to get by? OR, have you ever shown empathy and kindness to someone who took advantage of you?

All too often men are tossed into The Water and told to sink or swim. For any struggle we face, we're often given some version of the same, age-old advice: “Man Up.” (What the hell does that even mean? Especially at a time when we aren't entirely sure what kind of men we are supposed to be.) But, it doesn't have to be this way. Men need a space where they can have real conversations about the unique challenges they face in today's society - what frustrates us, what scares us, what confuses us, what gives us strength, what brings us joy, and what gives us hope for the future. We can learn so much about how to live the lives we truly want by hearing about one another's successes and failures, and by getting real, actionable advice on life and relationships from men and women who aren't afraid to get real.    In this, the first episode of The Man Rules podcast, Dan provides a description of the water and lays a foundation for the journey toward conscious masculinity.

Men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women, and their depression is more likely to manifest as anger and violence. TThe Man Rules may be limiting in many, many ways, but for a while, they at least provided solid ground for men to stand on. Lately, that ground has begun to crumble beneath their feet. In this episode, internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and author Terry Real will help you understand how depression shows up differently in men. You will also hear some practical advice on how to recognize and address the symptoms in yourself and others. 

This is a replay of one of our favorite episodes. If you feel frustrated by discussions about consent and sexual morality, this is definitely one you won't want to miss... Why are so many of us confused about consent? The idea has come up a lot lately in the wake of the #metoo movement. And, discussions about it recently intensified with reactions to the story a woman named “Grace” told to Babe.net about a sexual encounter she had with comedian Aziz Ansari. On news sites and Facebook feeds nationwide, people are asking, “Was that encounter assault, misconduct, or just a bad date? Is Aziz Ansari a good guy or bad guy? Is “Grace” a  victim or a liar? According to Mike Domritz, who has been teaching audiences far and wide about consent for years, these are the wrong questions to ask. He and Dan talk about what consent really means and what it doesn't, and about what's at stake when we're too afraid to ask the right questions. Isn't “consent” really the least we can do?  What if we built a culture of mutuality instead? What if every person truly had the freedom to choose whether they wanted to have sex, without guilt, pressure, coercion, or the spectre of gendered cultural expectations?  

This episode is a replay of one we first posted in back in 2017. Gillette's recent "Toxic Masculinity" ad recently brought ideas about the ways in which men are portrayed in popular media to the mainstream. Dr. Andrew Smiler has studied men and media for many years, and share some great insights. Definitely worth revisiting!  If you were a social anthropologist and you wanted to understand the norms and values of some ancient society, you'd likely take a look at their cultural artifacts. You'd closely examine their writings, paintings, sculptures, etc., to look for clues regarding how people within a certain culture were expected to behave and interact with the people around them. 1000 years from now, when anthropologists somehow get their hands on our TV shows, they're going to learn a thing or two about how men were supposed to behave in our society if they wanted to be respected or admired: Save the day, always have a witty comeback handy, be aloof - or a doof - in your relationships, and get the girl. Any girl. Actually, all the girls. And only girls, of course. As many as possible (and pretty much all of them are possible because you are the guy no girl can— or should— resist.) Hopefully, the writings of researcher and therapist Dr. Andrew Smiler will survive until that day, so that future scholarly types can get a fuller picture of our off-screen reality, which is that most men are not promiscuous, most men do value intimacy and relationships, and most men, in fact, are not “most men.” He and Dan share some concrete strategies on how to show up as the man you want to be, not necessarily the man advertised on TV.

As we near the end of January, we often also near the end or our resolve to finally get our shit together this year. We made our resolutions because we know that the feeling of being perpetually disorganized and out of control brings us down. It leaves us feeling lost, unsatisfied, and useless. So, why isn't that enough to keep us motivated to make changes? According to this week's guest Darcy Luoma--who is an executive coach and organizational development consultant--it may be because you're focusing on the wrong things for the wrong reasons. Are you trying to get your life together because you want it to align more with your values, or with someone else's values? Do you even know for certain what your values are?   Listen this week for some tips on building the life you want based on Darcy's Thoughtfully Fit program. And, get even more great tips by texting tfcalendar to 33444 Let us know what you think about this episode--or anything related to the podcast, by sending an email to ideas@themanrules.com, You could also find us on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn.  

American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson said that true success is “... to appreciate the beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better…” Clearly, that guy never had two kids and a mortgage. In this episode, Dan and Allen talk about the Man Rule that often drives many of men's decisions about their work and personal lives--The Success Rule. Success for men is often defined by having a lot of money, having a prestigious job title, and having the most sex with the hottest women. Sadly, it can lead to men choosing careers they aren't really interested in and choosing relationships based in status-seeking, rather than the desire for a real, intimate partnership. Dan and Allen encourage men to take a look at their own definitions of success and to ask themselves if it's really their own definition, or one that they've just absorbed through The Water.

Is “keeping it 100” a thing people still say these days? Many eons ago, back in 2015, it meant “to be you, be honest, be true to yourself and the people you love, be unapologetic but respectful at the same time.” In other words, it has pretty much been the goal of The Man Rules podcast from the beginning. We wanted to create a space, figuratively speaking, where men could show up and have open and honest conversations about who they were and who they were becoming as they began to become more aware of The Man Rules and break free from them. So, here on the eve of the 100th episode, Dan and Andrea talk about what they've learned from the first two years of making The Man Rules podcast, and what they hope the show may become. Please email us at ideas@themanrules.com, and let us know where you think the show should go in 2019 and beyond. We'd love to hear your ideas on guests, topics, and/or just your general opinions about the ideas expressed in each episode. You can also find us on Twitter and Facebook, of course.

For many of us, vowing to change our habits at the beginning of a New Year has become, well… a habit. Unfortunately, all of the hope and good intentions we have on December 31, rarely sustains us past the second week of February. So, how can we make changes that last? In this episode, Dan shares some tips based on his own experiences in building healthy habits like exercising and writing into his life. Though he'll admit that his routines are far from perfect, he has had some success in implementing positive changes through planning and working with accountability partners. We hope you'll make sharing your thoughts with us a habit in 2019. Go to Dan's Facebook page (@dangriffinMA) to share your experiences in developing healthy habits, or email us at ideas@themanrules.com

We all have a story about what it means to be a man. What we aim to do on The Man Rules podcast is to help each other figure out how we can be the authors of our stories. We don't want to just mindlessly step into a role that was written for us, centuries ago, based on the needs and values of a world that no longer exists. Is there any man on Earth, who embodies this struggle more than Santa? In this episode, Kris Kringle (a.k.a. Santa Claus) sits down with Dan to talk about the darker side of being Santa. Though he considers it an honor to be the world's ultimate provider, the pressures to always show up as the man we expect to see definitely takes its toll. He talks about his 631-year marriage to Janet, how he let go of perfectionism and shame, his ongoing struggles with body image, and his reckoning with his own mortality. He also shares some exclusive, never-before-heard secrets of how the Christmas magic really happens. You REALLY won't want to skip this one.

Okay, you've requested your time off from the boss, booked the plane tickets, sent the cards, bought the presents, and baked the cookies --or completed any number of your traditional holiday tasks. So, you may think that you're ready for the holidays. But, we say, you're not really ready until you've heard Allen Berger's 12 Stupid Things You Can Do to Mess Up the Holidays. Nothing like the holidays to push and pull us in all sorts of emotional directions, often like we're just along for the ride. But not this time! This time we're goin' in ready and armed. With awareness. This exhaustive list from our good friend Dr. Allen Berger tells you everything you DON'T want to do this holiday season. Listen on for some great tips and reminders on how to get through the holidays without making a mess! It really is possible. SPOILER ALERT: Print these out or put them in your phone. You'll want to have them easily accessible.

In this episode, Dan is finally going to tell you the secret to always getting what you want, when you want it. And the secret is… Let go of the idea that you should always get what you want when you want it. Instead, spend some time thinking about your expectations. Start, perhaps, with expectations you have of your partner. Are they fair? Are they unfair? More importantly, have you communicated your expectations? Have your expectations been negotiated and agreed upon by your partner? When we fail to consider our expectations and to talk about them with others, we are setting ourselves up for resentment. Listen on for tips from Dan on how to get clear about what you expect from others and how to manage disappointment when you don't get it. You'll be amazed by how much a shift in your expectations, and a shift in how you approach them with your partner, can improve your relationship.

The holidays truly are magical. They have the power to magically transform fully functioning adults back into their adolescent selves, the moment they step into a room with their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and/or cousins. No matter how much you've grown, how much you've accomplished in life, or what your personal and professional status may be outside of those walls when you're “home,” you may find yourself right back to square one. And, the worst part? You know it's going to happen. You know exactly who in that house will make that snide, passive-aggressive comment, and you know exactly how you'll feel when they make it, and you know exactly how you'll react. So, you swear that this year— it's going to be different. You're not going to get upset. You're not going to let so-and-so get to you. You're not going to sit and seethe over your pie, or seek revenge with your own passive-aggressive comments, or vow to never talk to these people again once this misery has finally ended. And yet… According to our guest this week, you really can break these patterns. You just need a better plan. Tim Walsh, founder of Adventure Recovery and expert in helping families navigate and renegotiate their roles and expectations, gives tips on how to make the real holiday magic happen.

There are two ways we tend to think about vulnerability these days. The first is in terms of our technology. When websites like Facebook experience a data breach, we are reminded that our personal information is “vulnerable” to hackers. (That's bad.) The second, is in terms of emotional courage. The rise in popularity of thinkers like Brene Brown has taught us that vulnerability is a willingness to show up, be seen as we really are, and form connections with others without hidden agendas. (That's good.) “Connecting” with person X, in order to achieve Y, as so many of us in sales and/or politics often do, is not the point. The point is just to connect— for the sake your mental and spiritual health, and, more importantly, theirs. In this episode, Dan and Allen point out some of the key differences between healthy vulnerability and unhealthy vulnerability.  And, for partners who struggle to understand why their men won't just talk about it, for godsakes, they also point out some ways in which The Man Rules make practicing healthy vulnerability difficult for men, and offer some ideas for how you can help change the culture of vulnerability in your household, and beyond… Allen also shares his recent first-hand experience with both physical and emotional vulnerability as an evacuee of the California wildfires. Allen, his family, and his home are all okay, but there are many who still struggling through the aftermath. Here are some ways you can help them.  

If you think about it, nearly every story we pay attention to is one about transformation. The main character in your favorite movie likely starts out in one state, something happens, and they end up in a different state by the time the credits roll. The transformation can be mental, physical, spiritual, or a combination of all three... And the something that happens can be a giant, cataclysmic event, or a very small, almost imperceptible awakening to a new way of seeing the world. Really, that's what each of our Deep Dive episodes is about--the story of how one man started out as X and ended up as Y. So, in this episode, in which we turn the tables and have someone interview DAN this time, it made sense for the story to be about transformation itself. Dan's life has been a series of transformations. And, they've been the kind of transformations that require a person to really see the good, bad, and ugly about themselves and the world around them, and gently accept it all for what it is, while still fighting for change--the kind of change that, on both an individual and societal level, can bring about a greater sense of peace and freedom. Dan talks about the hows and whys behind some of his transformations and offers tips for those who are going through their own journeys of personal change. Oh. And there are also jokes.   

To parent is to spend most days in a state of barely-concealed, barely-contained insecurity, if not outright terror! Our little loves trigger not only our fears for them--will they be happy, successful, productive members of society?--but also our deepest fears about ourselves--Am I a crappy person who is unwittingly raising a crappy person because I don't recognize my own crappiness? Am I THAT parent with THAT kid? We are with them in the present yet they are constantly bringing up our past if we are paying attention. So, we try to get a handle on that attitude of theirs. We try to nip that bad behavior in the bud. We try to show them who's boss. We do it for their own good. Life ain't fair, kid, and the world won't treat you with kid gloves so you might as well start getting used to it now. Et cetera. We forget what it means to be a kid. They won't live in our adult world but they're not supposed to; we are supposed to live in theirs with as much compassion as discipline.   [DEEP BREATH] So, what if we let go of the idea that we have to be in control? What if instead we aim to teach our kids how to make their own wise, healthy, and productive decisions, by actually letting them practice making their own decisions? Would we be raising entitled brats who expect everything to be handed to them? Or would be raising conscientious humans, who fully understand the power of choice? Maybe if we request, rather than demand, and allow them to negotiate, our kids will develop the ability to be true to themselves, while understanding and appreciating others' points of view? What if we took a deep breath every time we were agitated or confused as to what to do? Just that alone could be transformative. We often say we'd do anything for our kids. But, can we take this kind of risk? Can we be a different kind of Dad? More importantly, are we willing?   Listen for three tips on how to gain control over your need to contro

We are all sexual beings. In some ways, it's completely natural to notice attractive people and feel...certain urges. But, when do those natural, healthy urges cross over into something unhealthy--perhaps even sinister? When and how do those urges begin to influence how you see women (sex objects) and how you see yourself as a man (sex machine)? (Note: If you are a homosexual man, just replace "women" with men. It's definitely possible for men to overly objectify other men!) In this solo episode, Dan talks a bit about his own urges--NOT in great detail. This episode is only rated PG-13.-- and his struggle to understand the impact The Man Rules have had on his view of women's sexuality and his own...