Learning To Live Free

Today I'm talking about grief over the future we lost when we got out of an abusive relationship. How do we deal with it and is it normal?Topics:GriefWhat is a normal expectation of happiness When the past comes for usWe have been through rapid change and our minds and emotions have to catch up with everything that has happenedFeeling uncomfortable in our new livesReframing the futureTaking the time to grieve instead of distracting yourselfMaking space for the futureThe gifts that come along with griefMake a safety plan for difficult daysThere is light on the other side of griefSometimes I Think the Grief Over My Failed Life Will Never Be OverSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

I almost quit this podcast. Yikes! I'm here now so let's jump right into the episode.Topics:What's been going onWhy we start new projects when we need to make a major decisionOrder from chaosThe Home EditAll abuse is physical abuseWhy we need other survivors in our livesWhere the Crawdads SingIsolation Allowing others to love us Keep fighting against the abuse to move into your futureBe braveTake care of yourselfResources:The Home EditGet Organized with The Home EditWhere the Crawdads SingWilderness to WildAll Abuse is Physical AbuseSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Today's episode is inspired by Mother's Day. How does sharing children with a narcissist impact your parenting?Topics:What I learned this weekNarcissists and their relationships with their mothers and other womenThe narcissist's relationship with the mother of their childrenMother's Day and dreading being treated wellGifts come with a priceHow and why a narcissist replaces you as mother of your childrenHow the narcissist rewrites your children's memoriesHow the narcissist sets the new person up to take the blame in the futureHow to reinforce your role as mother when it is being attacked by the narcissistMaking new memories with your kidsYour freedom to be the mother you always dreamed ofA little pep talkHappy Mother's DaySupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

What does abuse look like? Today I give examples of non-physical abuse.Topics:Obvious physical abuse"Accidental" physical abuseShow of violenceControlling freedom of movementSpyingFinancial controlAbuse of children, loved ones, petsTaking your independence awayResources:The Subtleties of AbusePoison ControlSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Today we are talking about taking time to rest and relax. Topics:Why we need to slow down and take a break from our thoughts and livesHow to make taking space easier when you aren't used to letting your mind relaxA list of ways to take a break M&M's Caramel Cold BrewTaking a Break for Mental Health and HealingSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Today we are going to get real and work on the thoughts going on in our minds. You didn't cause the abuse and it is not your fault. Let's continue to break the hold abusers have over us by giving the responsibility for their behavior back to them.Topics:Abuse is not your faultWe struggle to believe that we didn't cause someone to abuse usAcceptanceThere is a time to ask why and how and a time to let it go and move forwardThere is nothing wrong with youThe expectations of a narcissist for their relationship and how it is abusiveYou didn't do anything to deserve abuseHow to break free from blaming yourself for the abuseIt's never okay for someone to abuse another personThe abuser chose to abuseChange your mental narrative about abuseFind your value in the right place and from the right peopleYou are a survivorResources:Nothing About You Caused a Narcissist to Abuse YouSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Today I am going to talk about how I came out of denial that my relationship was abusive. It was a long, painful process to face the truth. My hope is that what I share may help you move through it faster than I did.Resources:The Power and Control WheelHow I Came Out of DenialSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

You need a mantra! You do. It can help you change your thought process and keep you moving forward on your healing journey.Topics:How I received a mantra from a friend.Tips for finding a mantra.Examples of mantras.What to do with your mantra.How a mantra helps your mind heal.Resources:Future Survivors: You Need a MantraFuture Survivors: You Need a PurposeCreate Your PlaylistSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Here are the things I wish I knew when I left. I had no idea of what was to come or what would have made it easier for me to go through this time of transition.Topics:You are on a long road to when things will be stable and peaceful again.Put on your oxygen mask first so you can help others later.You are growing and changing rapidly.Your children are dazed and confused.Build your stamina for the future to come.Let go of the guilt.Educate yourself on narcissistic abuse and domestic violence.Coming to terms with what you have gone through so you can move to survivorship.Resources:Dr. RamaniEncouragement for the New SurvivorRegaining Self-Worth After Narcissistic AbuseSurvivors, Are You Hiding Your Scars?Support the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Today I'm talking about the single mom struggle of parenting sons, especially sons who don't have a good role model for a father. How do you do your best to set a healthy foundation for the future of your sons? That's what we're here to explore.Topics:Gentle, trauma-informed parentingA foundation of trust and how to build itHelping children learn accountability when they have seen the men around them use manipulation and lies to shirk responsibilityCorrecting sons while staying out of your emotionsTeaching our sons to be honest and accountableLeading your children to freedom and peaceContinue to heal so you can help your childrenA caution about angerOur sons will be adults with us some dayRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,JuliaSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Today I'm talking about unlearning some of the unwelcome lessons we've learned in abusive relationships.Topics:What you learn in an abusive relationshipWhat to unlearnHow to unlearnTell yourself the truthOwn your truthLearn new things/create new memoriesSee the truth about the narcissist's projectionContinue your healing journeyPeace,JuliaSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Today I talk about a disturbing realization I have had about an incident I survived while one of the narcissists in my life stood by and watched.Topics:A difficult question to answerThe story of the Good Samaritan shows us this is an age-old problemThe ultimate betrayalOur common experience with narcissismFacing what we have been through and asking difficult questions to help us healMy theory on how our minds seek more healing over time as we grow strong enoughto face the truthSpiral shaped healingGrowing self-awareness and self-trust as we healAsking our minds to help us heal in a way that keeps us safeFiling things away in your mind for future healingFeel the fear and do it anywayBuilding your support system to help you through the difficult times of healingFinding online support you can use todayThe power in sharing our storiesNarcissists only value themselvesContinue forward in your healing journeyGrowing into freedomThe beauty after the darknessSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Communicating with a narcissist can be tricky. Let's talk about how to stay safe and sane when you have to be in contact with a difficult person.Topics:Communication with a narcissistAnalyze previous communications to make a plan for the futureIdeas for low-contact communicationProtecting yourselfBeing emotionless with a narc sends them on their wayTips for communicatingMake rules for yourself and stick to themHaving a trusted advisor on callKeeping your emotions out of communication with narcissistsDiffusing the situation so the narcissist loses interest in you and leaves you aloneReaction vs. responseBoundaries for communicationHealthy coping skillsReward yourselfChoose when you will communicate with themSet up a support systemEncouragementHave a wonderful week!JuliaSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

It's time for a new intro episode. Find out what my goals are for this podcast, who I am, and why I'm here for you. Topics:Who am I? Past to presentWhy am I podcasting?Future episode topicsMy goals for the podcastResources available to youThe futureIndiana University Bloomington Trauma Informed Care Professional Development CertificateRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,JuliaSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

In today's show I share a new understanding I had of why the narcissist needs one of his/her children to be a scapegoat. Topics covered this week:The narcissistic family systemThe children's roles as assigned by the narcissistChaos reigns in a narcissistic family systemMy theory of how the narcissist uses the scapegoat child to redeem their childhood failings.The similarities and differences between the golden child and scapegoat rolesHelp for children of narcissistic parentsHow the court system fails child victims of narcissistic abuse"The more we understand the roles children play in these family systems the more we can help them."Here's an article I wrote to go along with this podcast episode.The Narcissist's Family System: The ScapegoatThanks for listening,JuliaSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Today I share an amazing story of how God provided a beautiful gift for me and my children when I moved into my apartment after living in a domestic violence shelter for almost a year. Two years later I found out who gave us this gift and how she blessed me again. There are amazing people who have suffered from abuse and tragedy but chose to come out loving and serving others after their walk through fire.Look for the blessings that come to you in your life when you least expect them.Please share any amazing blessings you have received and I will mention them in a future episode. Learning to Live Free Facebook CommunityBe blessed! Support the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

"It took me awhile before I ould look back and stop making excuses for the behavior and accept it for what it was."Disclaimer: Details have been changed and my intention is not to "call out" anyone I have known. If you see yourself in this behavior maybe it is time to consider getting help.Topics:A caution on how to interpret these examples in your situation.Narcissists use "loving" behavior to keep you under control.Examples of narcissistic behavior.I referenced an article I wrote on Medium in this episode.Real-Life Examples of Narcissistic BehaviorBe blessed and remember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,JuliaSupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Are you suffering from nightmares as a survivor? Is there hope to be free in your dreams and your waking life?Topics:Nightmares are common for trauma survivorsMy experience with nightmaresThings you can do to help yourselfThe most helpful thing I triedResources available through therapy, medication, etcReference Articles:10 ways to conquer adult nightmares and get better sleepHow to Stop Having NightmaresMy Article on Nightmares:Do You Suffer From Nightmares After Narcissistic Abuse?Support the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Hello! I am back for a new season of the Learning to Live Free Podcast. Let's start off by choosing a word of the year.Topics:Choosing a word of the year.Word of the year vs. resolutionsHow to use your word of the yearRecap on my word of the year for 2022What your word of the year may look like in a time of crisisHitting your rock bottomHope for the futureThe importance of rebuilding on a solid foundationMy word of the year for 2023Learning to stretch into freedomDreamsSharing your story with othersRiding off into the sunsetMedium articles mentioned in this episode:Finding Balance in the New YearResolutions or Word of the YearResources I mentioned:FlyladyBoss-MomDave RameySupport the showRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,Julia Find me:InstagramFacebookLTLF Facebook GroupMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

I'm chatting this week about what is up with me and why I might be missing for awhile. Please keep moving forward with your healing and living in freedom and peace.Happy Holidays,JuliaSupport the showLearningtolivefree.meInstagramFacebookMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

This episode was inspired by an article I wrote on July 11, 2021. The Narcissist is Dead InsideTopics:How and why the narc is dead insideHow narcissism can be like alcoholism The walking dead narcs don't understand the livingDid the narc choose to become dead?Are there different levels of narcissism and what does it mean in how we interact with them?Children and the narcissistGo no contactKeep healingThere is hopeYou are lovedYou are neededRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,JuliaSupport the showLearningtolivefree.meInstagramFacebookMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

This week I share what has been on my heart lately. Topics:Holidays-getting through them-making new traditions-enjoying the holidays again as you heal-picture-perfect narc holidaysHow I celebrated Thanksgiving and made it a holiday we could enjoyGetting through the winter blahsGifts of Imperfection by Brene BrownLove and belongingFuture relationshipsRaising our standards for loving and being lovedAn encouraging story:-encourage other women-the importance of pouring love into other women as a woman-women raised by narc moms need to be loved by other women-pouring love into our daughters to help them know what love truly is so they won't settle for a bad relationship.My experience of being "remothered" after I left my abusive relationship.Showing appreciation for women who have encouraged and loved us. Support the showLearningtolivefree.meInstagramFacebookMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Here is my review of the book Disarming the Narcissist Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary, LCSW(As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases).I share the list of chapters and my thoughts on who this book is for and who it is not for.  I also share what I learned from the book and how it confirmed my decision to leave the narcissist I was married to. If you have read this book please let me know what you think. Join the LTLF Book Club Community.Support the showLearningtolivefree.meInstagramFacebookMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Today I'm sharing an episode from the private Learning to Live Free Book Club podcast so you can see what we are up to over there. Join the LTLF Book Club Community. Join the LTLF Book Club Community.Support the showLearningtolivefree.meInstagramFacebookMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

It's time to stop believing the lies the narcissist told you about yourself.Topics:Where do the negative thoughts you think about yourself come from?How the process of unbrainwashing works.Trust friends to help you learn the truth about yourself.How a mental health professional can help you realize you are not crazy.Protecting yourself while you are healing.Forgiveness gives you increased freedom from bullies.Here's the article I read in the episode:Don't Believe the Lies the Narcissist Told You About YourselfAnnouncing new book and free trial weekSupport the showLearningtolivefree.meInstagramFacebookMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Today I'm talking all about how difficult it can be to change. Here's the article I read in the podcast:Change is UncomfortableIf you're going through a lot of change right now and it's difficult don't give up. It will be worth it in the end. Have a great week,JuliaJoin the LTLF Book Club Community.Support the showLearningtolivefree.meInstagramFacebookMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

In this episode I review:You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse by Melanie Tonia Evans (As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.) I share what the book is about, the healing methods used, and what I liked about the book.I think it's a great tool to help you in your healing journey if you are comfortable working with you inner self and using visualizations.If you would like to support the show you can Buy Me a Coffee.Announcing new book and free trial weekSupport the showLearningtolivefree.meInstagramFacebookMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Hi! Welcome to episode 50. As we live our busy lives it can be difficult to live in the moment. Learning to live in the moment at least some of the time is healing and helps you break bad thought habits. It's important to see the beauty in our everyday lives and embrace the gifts we are given each day. After a busy day pushing myself through my fatigue I realize I had forgotten to experience my life. This is not how I want to live so I took some time that day to observe the world around me and appreciate spending time with my children. Going through trauma can keep us in survival mode. When we stop and look for something beautiful in each day this breaks the trauma habit and helps us learn to relax and enjoy life again.In this episode I cover:Living in the moment.Embracing the seasons and where we live.Examples of special daily moments.The gratitude list.Find beauty even on the worst days.Slowing life down.Pulling meaning from our lives and the world around us.Have a wonderful week,JuliaAnnouncing new book and free trial weekSupport the showLearningtolivefree.meInstagramFacebookMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Did you hear the news? I'm starting a book club for survivors. In this episode, I share more about the value in reading and learning in a supportive community.Topics:Therapy. At some point we have to pursue our healing for ourselves.Education empowers youReadingLet's read and learn togetherThe importance of community and support while you are healingHow difficult it can be to communicate with people who don't understand us.We need other survivors.What the book club membership includesAn introduction to the first book we will be reading, A parenting pep talkBooks I mentioned in this episode:As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing by Dr. Richard A. WarshakCodependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring  for Yourself by Melody BeattieNovember first we will start reading:Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Abosrbed by Wendy T. Behary LCSWMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2Announcing new book and free trial weekSupport the showLearningtolivefree.meInstagramFacebookMedium Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyage License code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Before we get to the show notes I wanted to share some news. I started a book club!!! We will start reading Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary on November 1st. I am so excited to read and learn with you so we can become stronger and move forward in our healing.I'll be recording a private podcast episode for each chapter and come up with some activities we can do to help us learn. I have also set up a private Facebook group where we can discuss the book, build community, and have fun. You can check it out at The Learning to Live Free Book Club on Podfan.And now to the show notes:We are empathetic people so naturally we feel pity or concern for the narcissists in our lives. It's time to take that energy and return it to yourself or those who deserve it. I propose that when you stop wasting energy on the narcissist you will reach a new level of healing. I think of it as keeping energy I can use to better my life instead of giving it to the narcissist who doesn't even care about it.Topics:Focus on yourselfGuiltDon't allow others to use youPut responsibility back where it belongsEnablers stop the narcissist from hitting rock bottomWhat is and is not your responsibilityChangeRepairing your foundationConsequencesLosing ourselves to help the narcissistUsing your energy properlyFalse selfishnessHeal yourself firstGrowing stronger as a parentAccepting help from othersHelping others in a responsible waySetting an example as a survivor to help others choose freedomHere's the article I read in the episode:Stop Having Empathy for the NarcissistYou can find me on:MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meInstagramBuy Me a CoffeeRemember you deserve to live in freedom and peace,JuliaJoin the Learning to Live Free Book Club. We will read a new book together each month that will help us continue to heal and grow in strength. You receive access to a private podcast and Facebook group. I can't wait to see you there!Support the show

In this episode I cover all the reasons communicating in the same way over and over with a narcissist is the definition of insanity and talk about how to change the cycle of insanity.Here's the article I read in the episode. Don't Expect Sanity From the NarcissistTopics:Communication with a narcissist is the definition of insanity.Emotional detachmentHow narcs play games but you don't have to.Low-contact with a narc co-parent and how it can change over time. Tips to set boundaries to make the situation easier to tolerate.Attorneys love to communication drama and will encourage you to try to get a narc to flip out. This is not good for your peace and may not matter in the long run. You have to do what is right for you.Training the narcissist to communicate in a more respectful way. It can be done!Parallel parenting with a narcissistic co-parent. Don't expect the narc to follow the rules.  Making the transition from home to home easier on your children. Your healing repels the narcissist.Safety- physical and emotional and tips to help you stay and feel safe.Setting privacy boundaries for your home and the other parent's home.How to deal with the messages the narc parent sends through your children.What to do when you've been triggered. How to recover.It's time to do something different when you communicate with a narcissist and stop the insanity.Figuring out how to stop being fuel for a narc. Don't let them use you anymore.Peace, love, and healing,Julia MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meInstagramBuy Me a CoffeeMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2Support the show

Hi everyone,Have you ever wondered why it's so hard for people to leave an abusive relationship? In this episode, I explore the reasons why. Any person who has made it out should be commended. Topics:Why women don't leave, it's more complicated than people think.Denial keeps victims trapped.Some red flags that show someone is dangerous. Problems within the family court system keep people from leaving.Fear for the children's safety.The shame and embarrassment that victims and survivors have about what they have been through. Fear of never being in a new relationship because of the scars they carry. Hope for after escape.Victims have to rebuild what was lost after the relationship.Why we need to speak up.What survivors need to get out and stay out.The importance of having someone to cheer you on.Here's the article I referenced in this episode:If You Ran to FreedomFind me:MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meInstagramIf you would like to help support the show you can Buy Me a Coffee.Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2Support the show

In this episode, I share how I am trying to turn around the guilt and stress about not making enough money as a single mom.Being a single parent is difficult enough without carrying around guilt about not making enough money, having a better home, giving the children the best of everything. What if we intentionally chose when we would work so we could have more time with our children? Is it okay to make the minimum of what you need and give your children less so they can have more time with you?Topics:What do you really "have" to do each day?Letting go and let the problems take care of themselves.Is it wrong to work and make less so you can have more time with your children?The world's idea of success vs. our children's idea of success.Living in the present and being content with our decisions.Our children are only young for a short period of time. We can make more and strive for more success in our careers later.Stress can make you sick. Let's work on letting go of what we can't control so we can live a lower stress life.Take time each day to think about what is going well in your single parent journey and try to build on what is working.The importance of making memories with our children.Children of single parents need as much parenting time as children in a two parent household.Make time to take care of yourself.MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meInstagramIf you would like to support the podcast and help me get my message to more people please consider buying me a coffee.Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2Support the show

How and Why to Forgive the Unforgivable With Life Coach Carol Madden In this episode, Carol Madden joins me to discuss:The moment that changed everything for her and set her on the path to leaving an abusive relationship.Forgiveness, especially the struggle survivors can face and how it helps you move forward.The grief cycle and how it pertains to forgiveness and healing.Acceptance of who you were in the abusive relationship.Self love/self talkInner child workCoachingYou can find the two articles we discussed below:A Guide to Surviving and Thriving Through DivorceSelf Love Is Not a Bubble BathIf you would like to learn more about Carol and connect with her online please visit:MediumInstagramFacebookIf you would like to help support the show you can buy me a coffee.If you would like to share your story or help survivors by being on my show please email me at:Juliafreemanfree@gmail.comYou can find me on:MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meInstagramLearning to Live Free PodcastMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2Support the show

Hi!This week I pull up an article from my Medium archives to read and discuss. You can find the whole article over on my blog or on Medium. I'll leave links to both below. After I left the narcissist I felt like I was 18 again which was kind of fun but not appropriate for someone over 40. I have spent the last few years catching up with my actual age as I learned how to be an adult after being controlled for so long.In this episode, I explore my theory that being with a narcissist keeps us immature or at least greatly slows down the rate at which we gain maturity.Why do I think this? I think we slow our growth out of survival. A narcissist never matures so to be in a relationship with someone like that you will quickly surpass them mentally and emotionally. The narcissist will find this challenging since they won't grow and will make it difficult for you to become who you should be.I hope you find this episode helpful and would appreciate your thoughts on the subject.Here is a link to the episode blog post where you can find a full transcript of the episode. Find the original article below:Being With a Narcissist Stunted My GrowthMediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meInstagramBuy Me a CoffeeMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2Support the show

Today I'm talking about going to court and making it as easy as possible. Topics include:How to prepare.What to wear.Having a support system on standby.What to take with you.What is expected of you in the courtroom.How not to lose your cool on the stand.After I discuss court dates I talk about what has happened with my children:Parental alienationHow to love your children when they reject you.Radical acceptanceI hope you never have to go to court but if you do be prepared so you will do well.You can find the original article I referenced in this episode on my blog and on Medium. Links below.MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meInstagramMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2Support the show

In this episode I share some of the things I learned about retaining and working with an attorney. Hopefully, you won't ever need this information.Topics covered:My step by step plan for how I retained an attorney. What I learned by working with attorneys for the past few years.Tips to make meeting with your attorney as productive as possible.How to communicate effectively with your attorney.You can find the original article on my blog and medium at the links below.MediumLearningtolivefree.meFacebookInstagramMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2Support the show

In this episode of the podcast, I'm talking about the backup plan single parents need to have in order to protect themselves from disaster.As single parents, we have more to fear from a few missed days of work or being laid off. Here are the topics I cover in the episode:The emergency fund and one month's income. The importance of a proper mindset about money management and saving to help you build your savings.Continued learning and building your resume. Have enough skills so you can make more, find a new job easily, and have something to fall back on.The importance of the side-hustle for making ends meet and as a potential full-time income.Self-employment and ideas for turning your hobbies and skills into income on your terms.The ideal single-mom lifestyle would allow moms to provide for their children while being there for them.Single-mom pep talk.Call for ideas.I hope you find this episode useful. Have a wonderful week,❤ JuliaMediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2Support the show

After you leave an abusive relationship you have a second chance at life. Here are some things we have to work through to live our best second life ever.The transition from abusive relationship to healing to normal life.What you are up against and what will help. The cycle of abuse, hormones, emotions.The narcissist is used to playing you and when you heal into zen mode the narcissist will not be able to play you anymore. Taking your power back through healing.“In a perfect world people coming out of an abusive relationship would have a year to learn to breathe again with no other responsibilities.”Fear of change- do survivors face this more than others?The abuser uses fear to control you. How to face the fear of change. Get out of your comfort zone in a way that heals and doesn't add more stress to your life.How to reward yourself in a healthy way for all the work you are doing to make progress.Celebrate yourself for all of the hard work you have done to leave an abusive situation and start your healing journey. Acknowledging and honoring who you were in the past vs. who you are now. “We live our life as a celebration because we know the difference between barely surviving and really living.”Finding balance in life through physical exercise, mental exercise, meditation/prayer, and relaxation. A pep talk for anyone who has just left an abusive relationship and is surviving and healing.MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2Support the show

Today I am sharing a tool I used to help me stay out of my abusive relationship. It keeps me from being pulled back into a relationship or unnecessary communication with people who have abused me.How I learned about writing an abuse list as I was coming to terms with my toxic relationship with my mother.Why you need an abuse list and what to do with it.The lie you tell yourself about divorce and how it hurts your children more than staying in an abusive relationship.The abuse list helps you to uncover red flags, excuses for being abusive, and things you need to work on.Writing an abuse list is therapeutic and can help you move forward from the relationship and into healing.We need to remember the abuse when we think we should go back or be in contact with the abuser.About children who have to live part-time with a narcissistic abuser and thoughts on how to help them. Thoughts on healthy relationships. The abuse list uncovers ways the abuser breaks you down and pushes your boundaries to gain control over you. This will help you as you begin a new relationship. We need to learn to see unhealthy patterns of behavior in the early stages to protect ourselves.Sometimes it feels easier to slip back into the abusive relationship instead of doing the difficult work to heal. The abuse list helps you stay strong.An example of a woman who used the abuse list to help herself stay strong.I use the abuse list whenever I feel like the abuser is safe enough now to be on friendlier terms. We can't forget that abusers know us well and how to hurt us in the worst ways. They should not be given trust again. We don't need to help the abuser. It is no longer our responsibility when the relationship is over. It is time to focus on ourselves and our own healing. The abuser is responsible for himself.How to help our children begin to come out of denial and see the truth of who their other parent is.Narcissists don't have any standards and will stoop to any level to get what they want from their children. The healthier the child's environment is the sooner they will see the truth.We can teach our children what a healthy family and relationship look like by using books, movies, and tv shows as examples. My children seem to be making their own abuse list about their father to help them navigate difficulties with him. We can guide our children in how to deal with a narcissistic parent by teaching them boundaries, how to stay safe, and how to speak up for themselves safely.I meant to say no contact, not the silent treatments as the way I kept myself safe from my mother when I was a child. Do not sacrifice yourself for an abuser!Here's the book I mentioned at the beginning of the podcast:Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.Where to find me:MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Podcast notes:I'm on vacation and am making a shoddy sound quality recording of my thoughts on my first time away from home alone.Why I cried as I drove through a major city I'm visiting for the first time. My first time in a hotel by myself and going on a vacation alone.History in the south and how I relate to it as a now free survivor.The generational curse of mental illness and what it feels like to be free of it.We have all overcome something in our lives and can relate to the struggle to live free. The importance of learning from history and teaching it to our children. How abusers keep you from living a free life. Why it's important for people to travel and experience things alone. It makes you more interesting to others and can help strengthen your relationship. When controllers give you permission to do something it doesn't mean they will let you do it without consequences.  Mind games, control, crazy-making.Sometimes we need to do something out of our comfort zone to help us find the answers we are looking for. We need to assert our independence in a way we can recognize to help us move forward."The world is a place that I am allowed to explore freely." Survivors keep going, keep moving forward to embrace your freedom and show yourself you are free.As survivors, we need to preach this message of freedom to others so they can step into their freedom. I want others to know what this is like and to live free. Please share your moments of freedom. Let's celebrate this amazing freedom journey with each other. MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.me

First I must apologize because I used the wrong mic to record this episode. Picture me talking into my official podcast mic while the mic on my webcam was recording the audio. Facepalm. I forgot to change the settings in the recording software before I started. Since my voice was dying I decided to just roll with it.Topics:Life is bittersweet for survivors. Making a bucket list for your time as a single person is fun.Your bucket list might start out as a list of things the abuser didn't allow you to do. Your list will change as you heal and get to know yourself again.Your bucket list helps you remember who you are and what you want in life.Your bucket list can challenge you and help you be a better parent.You can write down your list, create a digital list, or keep it in your mind. The list helps you look forward to your future and learn to dream again.I share some ideas to get you started.You set a good example of living well as a single person for your children so they won't rush into the wrong relationship.You could also make a single-parent bucket list of things you want to do with your children.You can find me on:MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meHave a wonderful week!JuliaMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

I hope you are having a wonderful week. This week I talk about something I realized I was struggling with; learning to live in peace.Topics:The let down after a long legal battle. Why haven't I celebrated that it is over?We try to do better for our children. The narcissist tries to do better for themself.All about healthy and unhealthy coping skills. How and why you lose healthy skills in an abusive relationship. How do you begin to live at peace in a healthy environment when you are used to chaos?Learning to relax is difficult when you are used to being on hyperdrive all the time. An abusive relationship destroys your self-worth. You have to put in the work to learn to live in peace. How to listen and just be with someone who is going through something difficult. What not to say and do.What is a healthy person anyway? Does such a person exist? We are all carrying around pain, scars, and trauma so we can all learn how to live better.Single parent pressure. Finding balance.Survivors know how to live in stressful situations and have to learn to live in a normal situations.Please share what you have learned if you are on the other side of this dilemma.FacebookLearningtolivefree.meMediumMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Hi, and welcome to the show notes.“You can say, "no more", and you can choose to be whole and healthy and happy.”How to find freedom even while you are in a controlling/abusive relationship.The last Independence Day I spent with my ex-husband contained a spiritual awakening.How I began to have peace in the middle of the storm of my dying marriage. The worse things become the calmer I grow . Do you do this also?Growing closer to God during the difficult times and straying when things are easy.Fourth of July is a stressful day for me because my children have gotten hurt every year at their dad's.Can you have freedom and independence in a controlling relationship?You can take back control of your emotions and thoughts to help you detach from emotional abuse.What is detachment anyway? And what happens when you detach from the chaos of an abuser?What do you actually have control over?How I began to choose freedom from the abuser while I was still married to him.Abusers will undermine you while making it seem as if they are helping you.Actions vs. wordsChoosing freedom means opening your eyes to the truth of your relationship.Some people stay in an abusive marriage as a way to protect their children.Abusers have been undermining you as a parent longer than you realize. This is a tactic to keep you from leaving.Hold onto some piece of freedom or independence so you have hope to keep going. Boundaries and a warning before you begin setting them with an abusive person.What I wish I had done before I left.How to help our children be independent.“People have lived in very desperate situations but they chose hope anyway and they had joy because of it and we can too.”Thank you for listening. You can find me on:MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Dreaming of your future tells your mind you have a future.In this episode I explore dreaming and how we lose our dreams in a narcissistic relationship.How I lost my dreams.Daring to dream again.Do we lose our dreams because of psychological abuse?Look at your experience as if it belonged to a friend to judge your situation more accurately. How dreams begin to come back after narc abuse.Getting to know yourself again so you can dream.Have fun dreaming.Our dreams help us learn what we want in life. Use dreams to escape, reduce stress, and hold onto hope for the future.Make your dreams more concrete by making a dream board, writing them down, using a Pinterest board, etc.Watch your dreams unfold. Please share your dreams with us!Dream big and make lots of dreams,❤ JuliaMediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

This episode was triggered by my ex-husband approaching me at a recent child exchange. Yuck! Here are my thoughts on the situation, how it made me feel, and the realization that I will never truly be free from the abuser.Topics I touched on include:The ever-changing Post-separation cycle of abuse. You train the abuser in the cycle and how to use it against you. The less drama and the more boring you are the more likely they are to leave you alone in the future.The family court system should learn what it is like to be forced to communicate and be around abusers so changes can be made.The ongoing trauma of having to send children to spend time with an abuser.Is there a lesson God wants us to learn from this situation?How to be a loving parent and put the children first while interacting with a narcissist co-parent.How the abuser sets you up to punish you. How he uses the children to express his anger towards you and destroys your bond with them to hurt you. The social experiment survivors and their children have been placed in without a chance to escape unless they live in hiding.Communicating with children who have been turned away from you by a narcissist. They become strangers to you as the emotional abuse and manipulation from a narcissist changes them. Narcissists try to manipulate the bigger picture so you have to make decisions with more in mind than one situation.I am not respected by the narcissist as a parent. My time does not matter and he has the right to ask for it. Even worse, if I choose to keep my time with the children he will incite anger against me through them. He chose to give up almost all custody but then throws a fit when I don't give him extra time. It is important that you don't act or react to what the narcissist does out of anger. You need to do everything with a clear conscience so you don't live with guilt later. You will get enough of a guilt trip from the narc for doing the right thing.Children are afraid to speak up to their narcissistic parents because they are afraid of upsetting them. They have no voice with the narc parent unless it is what the narc wants to hear. It is actually dangerous for them to speak up for themselves. The narc will lash out at anyone who makes him feel less than perfect.Our court system in the United States is set up to punish healthy parents. This is why people live in hiding. Even with an order of protection, there is no safety for survivors. A piece of paper doesn't stop people who have anger problems or personality disorders. The only thing that stops them is force.Survivors live with the threat of violence from the abuse even after they leave. This is part of the reason people don't leave. You are never really free from an abuser and the threat of violence. Survivors are living life in spite of fear. They are brave and full of courage. You need a safety and security plan in place which looks different for every situation. Some of us have security cameras in our homes and vehicles. We often have gone through scenarios in our minds so we are prepared to defend ourselves. We live in the hope that nothing will happen and if it does we will know what to do and someone will be nearby to help. Narcs force us to educate ourselves and become better people. You can find me on:MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meThanks for listening!JuliaMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Please excuse my hoarse voice, I am recovering from an illness. Here's an off-topic question. Do you get depressed and feel worthless when you have been sick for a while? It's so difficult to slow down and take time to heal instead of carrying on with life as usual. And now to the topic of the week. I avoided talking to the narcissist I was married to for three years and he was still able to have me doubt what I knew about myself. He insinuated that I was dishonest and I went into a tailspin. I began to believe I was what he said I was. It took me days to realize what had happened so I could recover and get back on track with my life.Narcissists project their guilt and shame onto you. Can you trust what they say about you?The narcissist makes everything fit into their agenda. Even if they do something wrong they have already put the blame for their actions onto someone else. This is the crazy-making of the narcissist. We are used to thinking in an honest manner so we have a hard time realizing where they are coming from.The narcissist has no right to judge others because he refuses to use self-perception and grow as a person. Tell yourself the truth to help you get his judgment out of your mind.The process of getting the narc out of your mind involves using self-talk. You have to kick them out of your mind. When you become single and enjoy your life you will begin to live for yourself instead of the narc and break his control over you.The narcissist feels powerful when he gets you to define yourself by his judgment of you. You can find me on:MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meThanks for listening,JuliaMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

“I am a woman and a warrior…If you think I can't be both, you've been lied to.” ~ Zeyn Joukhadar, The Map of Salt and StarsIn this episode, I cover the difficult topic of marital rape. Many people who have survived narcissistic abuse and domestic violence have experienced this horrible crime. Statistics and why I'm talking about this topic. We need to do better for our children and educate them on what love is and what it meant to treat someone with love.What is marital rape? Manipulation and what it looks like to be manipulated into sex against your wishes.My experience and how I came out of denial. How a show triggered flashbacks and made me face the need to heal.Abusers train us to do what they want.What does love look like in a committed relationship?Rape is a tool abusers use to control you and destroy you. They feel powerful by destroying others.“Sexual abuse is an ultimate form of dominance, abuse, and control over someone else. It is about power.”More stats about rape and the law.Is there any justice for us? We will carry the scars for the rest of our lives.Rape is a serious crime with consequences. Would you want the abuser to be held accountable by the law? I am conflicted because he is the father of my children and I worry about what that would do to them.What do we do with what's been done to us? We become warriors to help our children and other survivors. How to heal and continue forward on your healing journey.Resources:Rape in Marriage/One Place of the ShoalsMarital Rape is Still LegalMarital Rape BrochureWhat is Marital Rape?Recovering From Rape and Sexual TraumaMy articles on Medium about this topic:Marital RapeMarital Rape in Narcissistic Abuse and Domestic Violence RelationshipsHealing From Marital RapeYou can find me:Medium.comFacebooklearningtolivefree.meLinkedin.comMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

This week's episode is all about the narcissist's new supply and how to survive one of the worst tactics the narcissist uses against you.Topics discussed in this episode include:How and why the narcissist uses the new supply to hurt you.How to work through the pain and emotions brought up by seeing the narcissist with someone new.Tips and tricks to stay out of the narcissist's drama.How to keep a peaceful home for your children even when the narcissist and new supply send messages home with the children.How to use this situation to become stronger and go further on your healing journey.Resources:How to Survive When the Narcissist Punishes You With the New SupplyWhat to do About the New Supply When You Co-Parent with a NarcissistYou can find me on:FacebookMediumLinkedinLearningtolivefree.meThank for listening,JuliaSupport the show

Hello everyone!Today I talk about why the loneliness following a narcissistic relationship is so much worse than a "normal" break-up and what you can do about it.I will discuss how a narcissist becomes the center of your universe so that you have lost yourself by the time you leave. I'll share the tactics the narcissist uses to cut you off from the rest of the world and entrap you. Isolation, the cycle of abuse, hormones, mind control, and becoming who the narcissist wants us to be all play a part in making it difficult to leave and stay away from a narcissist.Don't worry I give you a long list of ways you can come out of isolation and break free from the abusive relationship once and for all. You are never alone! If you are in an emergency situation please call for help. You can also call The National Domestic Violence Hotline to speak with a counselor at any time. 1.800.787.3224 You can also chat with someone on their website or text START to 88788Resources:Don't Give Up When the Loneliness After an Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist HitsSurvive and Thrive by Building CommunityYou can find me on:FacebookMediumLearningtolivefree.meLinkedinThank you for listening and remember you deserve to live in freedom and peace!Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2

Would you ever consider meeting with your narcissistic ex? Recently, I felt the payoff of meeting with him would be greater than the cost. I have survived to share my experience and what I learned. I will talk about how the meeting went.Should you speak to a narc co-parent during child exchanges and events?Should you play the narc's game to help you get what you and your children need?Know your boundaries before you meet with the narcissist. *Note never meet with someone if you think there is a risk of violence to you or your children. I would also never meet with children present in case something goes wrong and the children become collateral damage.*Beware, the narcissist will probably try to throw some blame at you in subtle ways during the meeting. Be prepared not to react to this tactic and to know your own truth.Be prepared to learn every bad thing that ever happened was your fault. How I felt after the meeting and what helped me recover from being around my narcissist co-parentI talk about how difficult it is to recover from mental and emotional abuse compared to a physical injury and how important being no-contact is to healing.No amount of evidence is enough to get them to admit the truth or change. If they ever do admit to something it will be your fault because you drove them to it.I explain how their presence controls us and makes us believe in their reality instead of our own. What can we do to help our children? If we can't be around them for an hour without damage to our mental health how do we expect our children to spend days and weeks with them? We continue to heal and teach them the skills they need to remain healthy in a toxic environment. Why contact with a narc parent is important for children.The importance of being part of a tribe of survivors to help you stand strong and thrive.Resources mentioned in this episode:Melissa Kalt, MDI Met With My Narcissist Co-ParentThe article below contains a list of boundaries you can use if you choose to meet with a toxic person. The article also includes a list of things to help you find your balance again after the meeting.How to Meet Safely With a Narcissist If You MustYou can find me on:MediumFacebookLearningtolivefree.meMusic from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/voyageLicense code: CACLTNI8RX0NIBR2Support the show