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#AlphaWolf #OPPOX3FindPro #NFT Another day , another vlog! 449 Alpha Wolf electric ute, reserve yours now if you live in the states. $36-46,ooo usd 75-85kwh battery . 250-275 mile range, 4wd and fwd options. New Oppo X3 find Pro , flagship beast and beauty all in one package. All the standard high level specs including 888 snapdragon but the 2 biggest items are the 10 bit colour Billion colour display. And the amazingly good microscope camera lens with built in ring light ! NFT's are the it thing right now if you need to launder money !And if you don't know what they are think bit coin but a painting instead or a screen shot ! Then think about the fact someone bought an "art work NFT for $69 million usd last week ! WTF ....... Unilever in a moment of PC Police madness has decided to remove Normal form all their products worldwide so hey don't offend anyone !! WOW Im offended that the world has sunk this low. Apple Mini 12 apparently a flop ! with no pro version of the great compact size i think is the reason it hasn't done so well as everyone wants the pro level camera features. i think if they had a pro version of it it would sell? Space x rocket that blew up after its successful test last week was a hydrogen engine failure which led to the legs and skirt being crushed on landing. his flowed into the failure of other systems which then went KAPOW!!! Canon Patent for a 200 f2 L IS USM lens for this year spotted in the patent filings this week good news for the pro level brigade! NEW MERCH AVAILABLE AT THE WEBSITE, SUPPORT THE DREAM!! Here's the link :- https://thirty4media.squarespace.com/api/commerce/facebookCatalogFeed/XqrGvvU9cEtEcS0f_yK38KWS_R_xPvTvKEB-UJTwS-cLPClAaUF07Wx6aaQ?target=instagram_shopping Want to send something to us, flick us an email to get the address details, cheers ! hankshouse@yahoo.com Catch us on our social pages- Insta-@nightcliff_34 Facebook-@tigersfishingclub twitter-@NightcliffT http://www.youtube.com/c/NTFCMedia --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/ashley-kendray/message
Do you feel like you’re consistently chasing the clock to get things done, meanwhile your focus is being pulled in 20 different ways? How do you stay focused on the task at hand, without letting all the distractions around you stop you from moving forward? Ugh, now more than ever more and more of us are working from home, and trying to juggle entertaining your kids, teaching your kids, keeping the house clean, performing your work duties and growing a business….. Wow I'm tired just thinking about it!! So I want to offer you some advice and tips that help me, and I’m confident it will help you. Listen to my podcast! Www.melissamargres.com. melissa@melissamargres.com I would love to hear from you. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/melissa-margres/support
Wow I'm struggling with these goals. Day 16 & I'm climbing a fucking mountain mentally and physically!! Im getting ugly verbally and frustrated at myself!!! Keeping it real though!!! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/mopaddyo/message
Welcome to Good Vibes Only with Anna Kuusela! Wow I'm doing something a bit different today...sharing you a piece of my heart and life. 2019 has been a big year for me in many ways and in this episode I share the top 3 things b/c I believe these can help you on your own growth journey. Welcome. If you enjoyed this episode, please share the love on social: IG @ msannakuusela and FB @ annawanderwoman and tag me so I can love you back! Join the party at annakuusela.com or at our private FB group, The Wander Woman Tribe! Mwah!
Are you happy with your job? Have you ever dealt with a toxic workplace? In this episode, we dive into discussing how a toxic workplace can ruin a job, and how to deal with the concept of mean girls in your office. We discuss why being positive is one of the best things you can do for yourself, and how to figure out what your purpose is in life. In this episode, I talk with Deanne Goodman, an award-winning journalist, and host of In Happier News Podcast, about how she changed from reporting the negative news, and only focusing on positive stories. Deanne has a background in digital and TV news reporting, working in many different TV stations, and having to deal with some less than friendly office co-workers, and trying to report on the news that would allow her to move up in her career. That news meant murders, crime, fatalities, and other negative news. We discuss her wake-up call involving her biggest fan that changed her whole career and put her on the path of a new mission. Her mission is to create videos and podcasts that inspire and change lives. We discuss the challenges of working at a toxic job, and how to find your purpose and make a difference in society. Questions I asked: What changed for you, in regard to reporting? Why did you start your podcast? Why is it bad to be a mean girl? How to change from a mean girl to a nice girl? How can you keep your positivity in a negative workplace? What tips would you have for someone who doesn’t like their job? How can you find your passion and purpose? Topics Discussed: Deanne’s reporting Career Her Wakeup Call. Sharing Positive stories instead of negative How to deal with mean girls in your life How we can support each other to success Keeping positive in a negative workplace How to deal with mean people online How to find your purpose, and follow it Quotes from the show: “I made it my mission to stop covering all that negativity, and now I only focus on positive stories.” @DeanneGoodman13 @SisterhoodSweat “I think everyone has a purpose. At the end of your life, do you want to look back and say, Wow I'm so glad that I made this impact on the world.” @DeanneGoodman13 @SisterhoodSweat “You shouldn’t dim your light because someone is hating on you.” @DeanneGoodman13 @SisterhoodSweat “It all just hit me right then and there. This was the day I didn't want to get out of bed unless someone was dead, so I was there as my biggest fan was dying.” @DeanneGoodman13 @SisterhoodSweat “It’s hard to be mean to someone face to face.” @DeanneGoodman13 @SisterhoodSweat How you can stay in touch with Deanne: facebook.com/deannegoodman instagram.com/deannestagram instagram.com/inhappiernews inhappiernews.com How you can stay in touch with Linda: Website Facebook Twitter Instagram Pinterest YouTube SoundCloud "Proud Sponsors of the Sisterhood of S.W.E.A.T" Essential Formulas My daily energy stems from mushrooms... mushroom coffee that is! Have you checked out Four Sigmatic yet? If you want a coffee that contains superfoods and adaptogens like rhodiola, eleuthero, and schisandra to help you live a healthier, more enhanced life, then you need Four Sigmatic mushroom coffee in your daily routine! Check out their products here and be sure to let me know what you think of it!
Beneath anxiety, depression, guilt, and shame, are core emotions that are hardwired into our circuitry. When you’re able to tap into the core emotions - and move through them - you’ll feel a new sense of freedom and empowerment - with the ability to handle anything that life sends your way. Our guest today is Hilary Jacobs Hendel. She’s a psychotherapist and the author of the new book, "It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self,” which will definitely be a game changer for you. Today she has some practical tips for you on how to identify and work through these core emotions, so that you don't get stuck in the secondary emotions that can get in your way. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Want to experience a Luxury Suite or VIP Box at an amazing concert or sporting event? Check out Suitehop.com/DATENIGHT to score sweet deals on a special night for you and your partner. Find a quality therapist, online, to support you and work on the places where you’re stuck. For 10% off your first month, visit Betterhelp.com/ALIVE to fill out the quick questionnaire and get paired with a therapist who’s right for you. Resources: Visit Hilary Jacobs Hendel’s website to learn more about her work. Pick up your copy of Hilary Jacobs Hendel’s book, It's Not Always Depression: Working The Change Triangle To Listen To The Body Discover Core Emotions And Connect To Your Authentic Self. FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/triangle to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Hilary Jacobs Hendel. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host Neil Sattin. It's been my mission of course to give you the best tools that I can find to help you have an amazing thriving relationship. And some of those tools are relational and how you interact with other people, and some of those tools are all about the inner work and how we can come to understand ourselves better and experience life more fully, shine more brightly and to get past the obstacles that stand in our way. And today, I hope to synthesize both of those things for you. Though, we're gonna start with the inner work as we unearth how to get to our core emotional experience and just why that is so important. And along the way you're gonna learn how to identify when you're in a core emotional experience and when you are not and learn exactly how to handle that situation. We are diving more deeply also into the work known as AEDP: accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy. Which is a mouthful but if you listened to Episode 176 with Diana Fosha, or episode 189 with David Mars then you're getting a sense for how this way of working with people can be so profound in its ability to create positive change. Neil Sattin: Today's guest has taken the model even further in showing us how we can apply it for ourselves. So, it's great when you're doing it in, in therapy it's great when you're doing it in couples therapy. And this is going to show you how to do it on your own so that you can experience this kind of change in your daily life, using what's known as "the change triangle.". Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Our guest today is Hilary Jacobs Handel and her recent book: "It's Not Always Depression: Working The Change Triangle To Listen To The Body Discover Core Emotions And Connect To Your Authentic Self," is, I think, a game changer for you in terms of deepening your experience and being able to bring that fully into your relationship with your spouse, your partner, and your relationships with others in general. As usual we will have a detailed transcript of today's episode. You can get that if you visit Neil-Sattin-dot-com-slash-triangle, because we're talking about the change triangle, or as always you can text the word passion to the number 3-3-4-4-4 and follow the instructions. So let us dive in to the change triangle and discover how to get even more in touch with who we are at our core and how to bring that into the world. Hilary Jacobs Hendall, thank you so much for being here with us today on Relationship Alive. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Thank you Neil. I am delighted to be here talking about my favorite subjects, of emotions and relationships. Neil Sattin: Perfect. Well we're on the same page then, definitely. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes we are. Neil Sattin: And I do want to mention before we get too deep in, that if you are a visual person and need a visual representation of the triangle that we're talking about then that's also available both on Hilary's Web site, which will announce in a little bit, and also at Neil-Sattin-dot-com-slash-triangle, where we have the transcripts. You'll be able to to see it in front of you if that's required. But we'll do our best to to make it, make it real for you as we're talking about it. Neil Sattin: So Hilary, why, why is it so important to get in touch with our core emotions and and how do we distinguish core emotions from just that emotional wash that can come, come at us or come over us throughout our day? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Well, it's, there's many reasons why it's important to get, not only get it, well understand the different types of emotions and to get in touch with emotions and to be able to discern what you're what you're feeling and what you're experiencing. Because most of us live up in our heads. And thoughts are fantastic and we need them. And I love my thoughts but it's half the picture of knowing who you are and what you need and what's good for you and what's bad for you. And core emotions are these biologically wired survival programs that really tell us, at the core, so much about what we who we are and what we need that if we're not listening to them and our society really teaches us to avoid them and block them, which I think is responsible for the epidemic we're seeing in depression and anxiety and so many mental health issues, that, and we don't learn anything about emotions, that, that without knowing about emotions and understanding how they work, we're really at a huge disadvantage to thrive in life. Neil Sattin: Right, when you're able to identify the emotional experience that you're having, it gives you clues as to how you need to best respond to the world in the moment with whatever is going on in your life. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly and I think what's become more and more important for me, just to say from the beginning to the people listening out there, is that this is not about wearing emotions on our sleeve. This is not about looking for an excuse to act out or behave badly, to rage or to cry, experiencing emotions is a wholly internal process it has nothing to do with what we actually then show to others, or, or enact. It may, but I'm, we're always trying to think about what is constructive for us, constructive for the person we are with. It's not about an excuse to behave badly and I think we live in an emotion phobic culture partly because people don't understand that, they think "Oh my gosh, you know, if we're all into our emotions it's just gonna be you know not good. It's just, it's..." I'm only thinking of curse words now that would come out and explain like a shit show, but I'm just you know that type of a thing. And this is a very thoughtful process that I am talking about that only helps us. There, there is no downside to getting in touch with emotions the way that I am thinking about it and the way that I try to educate others. Neil Sattin: Right, what you just said is such an important distinction that we're talking about a constructive way to meet your emotions and to metabolize them into something that's beneficial not just for you but for the other people in your orbit or for life in, in general. And you know we had Harriet Lerner on the show to talk about her seminal work, "The Dance of Anger," and turning anger into, into a constructive emotional phenomenon. And I love how in your book it's not always depression you talk about each of these core emotions and we're talking about emotions like sadness and fear and anger and disgust, and we're also talking about emotions like joy or excitement or sexual excitement. Lust I think is the way that Jaak Panskepp talks about it. And we're talking about all of those core programs that you just mentioned and looking at how they lead to our common good. The common benefit and also ways to know when, when something's coming at us that really isn't healthy and and how to respond effectively to that. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly right. In particular with using anger to set limits and boundaries and to assert ourselves without being aggressive. Neil Sattin: Right. Right which you're able to do when you've figured out "Wow I'm, I'm really angry. And here's why I'm angry right now." And so it becomes less about telling someone that you're angry and more about setting an effective limit with them. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes, and I would add an additional piece: it's, it's also working with that anger internally to to discharge some of that energy that causes us to, to act too quickly, and act, and say mean things or do hurtful things, so that there's techniques to work with the energy that, that most emotions have and that grip us into impulses right and these impulses have to be thought through very, very up, down and sideways, before we decide to say something or do something that we really want to be thoughtful about ourselves and the action that wants to come out. Neil Sattin: Right. Yeah. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: It's hard work too, this is a lifelong process. Neil Sattin: Yeah. So important to name that and, and for you, listening, we're going, we're gonna get to some of these techniques of how to really integrate and and process your emotional experience in the way that Hilary was just naming. And I want to say too that well, as you know I read a lot of books for this show and I love the ones that just right out of the gate, I'm like, "This book is gonna make a difference in my life." And I definitely felt that reading your book it's so practical and in some ways the title is misleading because I think people see it and they think "Oh this is a book about depression. I'm not sure that impacts me." And so I want to encourage everyone listening that this is really a book about what we're talking about: how do you encounter your own emotional experience and chew it up in a way that's beneficial for you and then bring that into how you how you interact with the world around you. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah exactly. And I think you're right about the title. I guess if the title was exactly what it should be, it would say "This is a basic emotion education that you should have received in high school," and hopefully one day people will. But it's something that every, everybody knows that the title came from the article that I wrote for The New York Times back in 2015 and because the article went viral and so many people responded to it, that Random House said let's just name the book that. And you know it's not always depression what is it? It's really life, and how surviving our childhoods and all the adversity that life entails affects us emotionally and what happens when you block those emotions and what happens when you embrace those emotions and learn to work with them. And it's it's it's a fork in the road. And it matters. Neil Sattin: Yes. Yeah. So let's start with talking about "the change triangle," because I think identifying the three different corners of the triangle will be really helpful for everyone in understanding what we're talking about because why is it a triangle, why isn't it just like well you've got to have your core emotional experience, and there, there's more to it. And this was where your book was so eye opening for me in many ways, was getting to see oh these kinds of things that I experience< they're happening because I'm, I, I'm trying to I'm trying to protect myself from a core emotional experience as an example. So, I think as we as we dive in this is going to make a lot more sense for everyone listening. So, where's a good place to start, Hilary? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: I think just a quickly, describe it and and what I, I'll try to bring it to life a little bit. Neil Sattin: Great. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: So for everybody listening you want to imagine an upside down triangle superimposed on your body. The point of the triangle is in your core, you know, somewhere between your stomach and, and your, under your ribs. And that's because, and that's, at the bottom of the triangle is where core emotions are and they're in the body and that's why I'm asking you to imagine them in your core. And they're, the core emotions to say them again are: fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement. And each of those have their own unique programs and they're very simple in a way, you know, when something, when somebody hurts us... Well let's just take anger because it's something that we all struggle with in our culture. And there's so many myths about anger, but anger is there basically to protect us. Anger and fear. And when when somebody attacks us. And I always think about how these were designed to be sort of, hundreds of thousands of years ago, if somebody wanted to kill you, and, and had a threatening pose or gesture you would evoke anger in the middle of the brain, like where all core emotions are evoked, and then it sends out a myriad of responses to all organs of the body to ready the body for an action and that action is meant to be adaptive for survival. So anger will make us kind of want to make a fist and put up our dukes and get ready to attack. And it come, it's visceral. We all know that experience of when someone we care about insults us or doesn't do something that we really needed to and there's energy in the body and our, and we get tension in the body and we really feel like we want to lash out. So it's a full body experience and each of the core emotions have their own program that has an, uh, an uh, group of physical sensations that we can learn to recognize and name, and each of the core emotions has an impulse to action that we can learn to recognize, and, and explain and name, and, and an impulse to action, that we are, that it's pulling for us to do. And it's that whole experience that we want to get really good at recognizing and that is really just a part of knowing ourselves. The, the emotions react similarly in everybody. But there is nuance in everyone. So the way that I experience anger will be differently than the way you experience anger, Neil. And that's the same for all the core emotions. Neil Sattin: Great. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: So that's the bottom of the triangle. Does that make sense? Neil Sattin: Perfect. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: OK. Now there's uh, there's three corners of the triangle, which I'm going to explain. But there is a fourth point here and I'm just going to share it real quickly now because when we have a core emotion, we're at a fork in the road and there's base likely two ways it can go. We can bury that emotion and push it away and block it and then we're going to be moving to the top of the triangle. Or, we can validate it, name it, and work with the experience that it's evoking, in which case we get to this place that I put on the bottom of the triangle. That's called the "open hearted state of the authentic self." And what that is basically, a more practical way of saying, is it's a regulated state of mind and body and that when we are with our core emotions, and we let them process through, and we are allowed to experience them, and again nothing has actually happened yet in the outside world it's wholly internal, it's a way that comes the body back down. Because core emotions come up they kind of cause an arousal of the nervous system like a wave. You ride the wave and then they come down. And if we don't block them the energy kind of naturally will dissipate over time, and in ways and techniques that we can help with that, and then we come back to this kind of calm state, where our mind and body feel relaxed, and in that state good things happened, and there's a bunch of c-words that I borrowed from Richard Schwartz with his permission, where when we stay in this kind of calm regulated state, we are more curious, we feel more connected, we have a greater capacity for compassion for ourselves and other people, we tend to feel more confident because we can deal with our own emotions and we feel more courageous in life and we have more clarity of thought. So you obsess less. So this is where we all want to spend more time. Neil Sattin: Definitely. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: And it's not that it's the goal to spend all our time there, right? That's impossible because life happens but that's where we want to spend more and more time. And so working this change triangle to get back to core emotions and to go through them down to this calm state is the whole point of this. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I think it's important to mention that too, that we're describing this, this static image but it implies a process that you can go through in order to get to the openhearted state of self energy that that Hilary's just described. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Right, because we're moving around this triangle all day every day many times and it's what we do that matters and then we're also kind of moving around in this triangle in life on a macro level spending less time in our defensive states and more time in the openhearted state. So. So that's sort of a sort of a micro and a global way to look at it. Neil Sattin: Great. So then when you have that core when you're when some core emotional response comes up, you said you're at a fork in the road and you can head, you can ride the wave and and get to that core self state or... Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Or like most of us do, because that's what we're taught to do in our society, is we tend to block them. And so the top of the triangle if we move to the top right that corner is labeled inhibitory emotions and the inhibitory emotions which everyone will recognize are anxiety, guilt, and shame. And again what they have in common is that they all push down, and block, and bury core emotional experience, in purpose for the purpose of pretty much getting along in our society. There are more social emotions, so that if the core emotions are the selfish emotions what's good for me the inhibitory emotions are, "How do I curb my own impulses and desires, so that I stay in the good graces, good graces of initially my mother and then my father and my siblings, my family, then my peer groups, my uh, by then you know as you broaden into society, my religious groups, my, oh, my collegial groups..." That we it's so important for human survival to get along. So in a way there's a fundamental conflict here. So, so the inhibitory emotions when we it's the way that we block our core emotions. And so what we end up doing is noticing that we have anxiety, for example, and if we have anxiety we know that we're on the top right hand corner of the triangle. But what that means practically, is that we also know that we are inhibiting some core emotional experience that if we can get to and name, and, and, and use, we will likely feel less anxious. Feel much better and I can give an example of this, but, then the way we do this is with muscular contraction, all sorts of maneuvers that anxiety, shame, and guilt block these core emotions and for different purposes. And some of us will feel more shame, some more anxiety. You know, we have to mix in genetics and disposition here, and then the environment for why we end up feeling ashamed or guilty or anxious. Neil Sattin: Right and something that feels important to name right here is the way that you can feel those inhibitory emotions from a core positive emotional experience as much as a core negative. And I'm kind of putting those words in quotes because I think what we're getting at here is that they all have the capacity to be positive but one might not think like, "Oh you know, I'm, I'm experiencing shame because I'm feeling too much joy right now," or "I'm too excited. And so my anxiety is coming in to to block that, or my guilt about being excited about this thing.". Hilary Jacobs Hendel: That is so crucial and the more that I do this work in psychotherapy and just observe the people that I'm with, the more I believe that it's the larger emotions. I wouldn't even say so... I think you're right, that people block joy and excitement and pride in the self and anything that makes us feel physically bigger. It's kind of fascinating you can almost reduce all below the neck deep experience into emotions that have energy that makes us feel larger, which is dangerous when we take up more space and we feel bigger, we tend to experience some inhibition either anxiety, guilt or shame. And so people tend to stay small and in a way people go negative... I'm not so sure anymore, which came firrt, err, do people kind of move into negative thoughts to keep them small? Because there's some core fear? Or is it that it's a it's a way not to feel big? I dunno if it gets sort of too complicated. But you can start to think of everything as almost like amoebas like am getting bigger or I'm getting smaller? And to begin to understand one's experience as, "Is this an expansive emotion now, that I'm feeling, like, joy and pride, and anger?" In which case it's going to make me feel vulnerable and then I'm going to come down on myself with some anxiety or shame or guilt. So that's just getting to what you were saying about people struggle with feeling good. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah. So it could go either way. And, and what I love is this sense of, "Oh. When I notice shame or anxiety or guilt that the problem isn't the shame or the anxiety or guilt." That's, the I don't want to spend all my time there, because they're indicating that there's a deeper core experience that's happening and that's where the the gold is. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly. That's where the gold is. Now. I think it's also important to mention that that, we're talking about kind of detrimental levels of anxiety, shame and guilt here, that the shame has a purpose too. Guilt has a purpose. Like when we do something that hurts somebody else it's good that we feel guilty. That means that we're not a sociopath and so we want to listen to the shame. Listen to the guilt. Listen to the anxiety. And we also know that we have to look for our core emotions. So, it's, it's both because the inhibitory emotions are going to bring us to the relationship piece. But we also need to know what we're feeling so that we can express ourselves to, to yourself and to others. Neil Sattin: Yeah and I will say just as a side note your, your chapter on dealing with anxiety shame and guilt. I think it's also super helpful along with creating self compassion but for understanding the other people in your life and what might be motivating certain behaviors that you experience from them. That was, in many respects, worth the price of admission for the book because that's part of what's going on is not only understanding yourself but being able to see these things happening in other people and to, and to recognize how it might be impacting them as well. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes. So we can understand ourselves and others and I've had so many people read the book and tell me that they thought it should be in the Parenting section of the bookstore because we also want to understand our children's emotions so we don't unwittingly cause too much shame and guilt and anxiety when it can be avoided just by the education and emotions. Neil Sattin: Yeah yeah they should have a "self parenting" section in the bookstore. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah. Self parenting, and parenting though, there's so much you know parents mean well, I made so many mistakes. If I had had this at this book in my 20s that would have spared me and my children a lot of heartache and I know most people feel that way. Most people have intent to do good. And if you don't have proper information, and you're just basing things on what you sort of intuition and how you were raised and what society says then it's easy to make mistakes anyway, easy to make mistakes, and we're not free that you know there's no way not to screw up your children on some level but you just want to know what's going on in the emotion department. It's really, really helpful. Neil Sattin: Yeah. So we've covered the bottom corner of the triangle the core emotions, and the top right which is these inhibitory emotions that are are meant to block or suppress the core emotions. Neil Sattin: What's up with the with the other corners triangle. : So and again if we go back to that this is superimposed on the body. The point is of course in core emotions as in is in the gut area and then we're coming up. So anxiety and defenses are kind of sitting above the shoulders, is how I imagine them because they're out of, they kind of take us out of our body, they take us up into our head. And so because emotions, core emotions feel so at best they feel weird and new if you don't know what they are, and, and at worst they feel awful emotions and core emotions, and inhibitory emotions when they come in, in large doses and they come, many at one time and they're all mixed together... It's a horrible experience and a horrible feeling. And so we then tend to want to avoid the whole enchilada and we move into defenses and that's the topped, top left corner of the triangle. And defenses are basically anything we do to avoid feeling something that we don't want to feel and I don't even mean it in a pejorative sense I always say that that defenses, as I learned in AEDP training, which was so helpful, are really these brilliant creative maneuvers that humans can do to spare themselves pain as opposed to in my psychoanalytic training... I don't want to sell psychoanalysis down the river because I got a lot out of my studies there, but there was always this negative sense of bad, that you're doing something bad, and you're resisting and that defenses are bad and I think that defenses really need to be appreciated for one when they hold up. They get us through life. And two, when they don't hold up and we break through and start to have symptoms of depression or anxiety or many other things that we needed them at one time those defenses and now they're not working so well and then we need to embrace other ways of being that bring us peace and calm. Neil Sattin: So defenses are like toward the, the last stop on the on the train. They're, they're, they're meant to help you not feel anything. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes. Exactly. Or to for, to exchange one emotion for for something else like defenses... Emotions can be used as defenses. For example, I would, you know, my whole younger life, if I felt scared or vulnerable I sort of had a more of an irritable, crusty armor and I would get angry and I would try to curtail it a lot because I had a really sweet, gentle mom and a really sweet, gentle sister and I was kind of the, the, the, the tougher one in the family. So I was always working hard to be quote sweet like like my mom. But I felt it. I felt it and I really didn't understand. I would beat myself up for you know, Why, why do I feel angry?" And it was really a big defense against fear. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: I had no idea I had no idea even I was the one that I was anxious when I was younger because it was just kind of covered by this kind of this kind of tough armor. Neil Sattin: Right. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Or how many people do we know that might be feeling fear but instead go to like humor or lightheartedness, instead of instead of being able to go to that place. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly. And so there are so many ways we can use defenses can be emotions. They can we can use behaviors as defenses. Self-destructive behaviors like, like cutting just behaviors like joking, making, being sarcastic, eye rolls, shrugs this is like body language defenses, not being able to make eye contact. There is, there is a myriad of defenses and I list a ton of them in the book and on my website. And you can try to recognize your own defenses which is probably one of the hardest things to do. It's much easier to see other people than ourselves and so you could probably much more easily recognize the defenses in the people in your family. But it's good to begin to recognize our own defenses so that we can loosen them up a little bit and know what the feelings are underneath them and then it kind of, gives us more resilience, more choices for how to be. Neil Sattin: Yeah if we wanted perspective from an outsider that we more or less trusted about our defenses what would you say is a is a safe way to ask for that from another person? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: That's such a wonderful question. I think it's not only the safe way to ask for it, but I think you're saying to make sure that person is safe is a safe person to be vulnerable with. Yeah, because what we really want to spare ourselves, as much as possible, is the excruciating experience of being shamed or humiliated. So, I think I would say and I do say this to my to my husband and my children, even friends sometimes: "Please let me know if I do something that..." I mean it's not so much as a defense, I would say, "Please let me know if I do something that you don't like or that hurts your feelings or that doesn't feel right." And then I guess if I was asking it I think I would just leave it at that. I'm concerned for the people out there listening who might say that to somebody they care about who doesn't have a lot of therapy background or understand emotions that might not be so gentle. So, I think you could always say: "But, be please be gentle with me." You know and I believe in using humor and lightheartedness in relationships a lot, but you know be be gentle. But I do want to know.... Yes. Neil Sattin: Yeah. No, I think that's great to name that desire for for gentleness or just to point out like, it's, "It's kind of tender or vulnerable for me to even be asking you this but I know that you may see, something that I don't see." Yeah. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: That's it's such an interesting question Neil. No one's ever asked me that and I think it's because most people get feedback from their family, when they're, when they're acting in ways that are are not pleasurable and they they might not all be defensive maneuvers some may be just like self care. Like I don't want to do this. Setting a limit or a boundary and then somebody reacts badly to that. But some of it would be defensive. So again, it's sort of interesting to think about. Neil Sattin: Right and I think if you're not inviting someone into that conversation, then the feedback that you're getting is most likely not coming at you either at a moment where you're truly receptive to it, or in a manner that's that's constructive. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Mhmm. Exactly. Constructive being the operative word. Neil Sattin: Yeah. So we we found our way up to the top. And let's talk about what the process would look like if I noticed, "Oh I'm about to do that defensive thing that I always do." So maybe for someone like I'll just kind of out myself here, I might go to a political blog or to Facebook or something like that. I'm doing that, it doesn't serve any real constructive purpose in my life. So, even though, you know, you could argue about being informed or whatever but when I notice that I'm doing that, what would be the steps that I would want to take to help bring me into identifying whether or not there was a core emotional experience at work? And I think, especially because we as adults... Like these patterns are pretty well developed for us. So, so it may be a bit of a journey to find your way down into into your core, but what's, what's the map look like? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah. Yeah but I think very possible, and, and I like your example, which I'm going to address. And you know, we could also use the example of reaching for a snack when you're not hungry or reaching for a drink right after work. Right? These are all these kind of they're just sort of automatic defensive behaviors and they don't serve us. So what I do is, you know, for all these examples is the first thing we have to be able to do is notice, right? If we don't notice what we're doing then we can't work the change triangle at all. And the way you get good at noticing is really by slowing down. We can't really notice much about how we're feeling if we're moving fast, it just tends to obscure or we just stay up in our head and our thoughts are churning and it kind of numbs us out below the neck. So, I when I'm teaching new people this you know you can just set aside, you can write in your, in your inner, in your, in your calendar, in your phone, you know, just set aside three times a day and remember to kind of check in and observe what you're doing. Meditation, obviously, is a great practice for this. So, let's say you actually notice that you're about to go check, what did you say Facebook or the political blogs? Neil Sattin: Right side or more or more likely I'd, I'd be you know five or 10 minutes in, and I'd be like, "Wait a minute here I am. You know here I am on Facebook again.". Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Good. Good. OK. So before, or during... Neil Sattin: Just being, just being honest. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah of course. You know, join the rest of humanity. That's great. So what you would do is stop what you're doing. And you would, kind of feel your feet on the ground like you instructed me to do before this, and, before we started, and maybe take a few deep breaths to kind of set the stage for noticing. And then I personally especially in the beginning would ask myself I would kind of scan my body head to toe, and toe to head, and just kind of see what I can notice about my physical state. Am I tense? Am I anxious? I might even go through all of the emotions and ask myself, "OK Hilary,or Neil, you know, do you notice any anxiety now check? Do you notice any shame? No, not right now. Do you notice any guilt? No. OK, so we've got some anxiety. What else? Let's see if we can get below that anxiety and see what else we might be feeling". And you may want to bring in the context of what's going on in your life also and what might be affecting you. So let's say, uh, this is the day my, my, my kid goes off to kindergarten. What else is happening today? I have work stress, what not. So then I might ask myself, "Is any of these things in life causing me fear? Check." And then we want to go through all the core emotions, do I feel angry? No. Do I feel sad? Check. And you want to name all the emotions that you possibly can but kind of holding them all together like, as I tell my patients, try to hold all the emotions but imagining them with lots of air and space between each one, because we have to, we have to attend to each emotion separately. Another way that I say it, is don't say "I feel afraid but I also feel sadness." I want to change the "but" to an "and." "I feel sad, and I feel afraid, and I feel excited, and I feel happy." And once we get a lot of emotions going at the same time it's a lot of energy. We can automatically push those down because we don't know we can handle it all. Feel some anxiety and then boom. Reaching for a political blog. So, that would be the idea to try to start to name the emotions and then just by doing that just by naming emotions and taking that time to slow down and do that, you might feel much, much more relaxed and in fact it gives you space to think, "OK do I want to continue with the blog? Because this is a good distraction that I need now." Because defenses aren't bad by definition it's only if they're hurting us or if we rely on them all the time. So you may continue to read or you may decide, "You know what. I'm going to go exercise instead or I'm going to go tell my partner how I'm feeling about everything going on." That type of thing, and that's the last step is to think through, what's the best thing for me right now? If I don't feel better and I'm trying to change my state what are some things that, that helped me feel better where I can take better care of myself. Or you may want to work with one of these emotions using some of the techniques that I, that I outline in the book. Staying with them in the body or imagining using fantasy to discharge some of the energy. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I definitely want to talk about fantasy, but before we go there, I, I just want to name that for me even though I knew this to be true it was really a revelation to stop and think about what that's like, that we can be experiencing fear and disgust and joy and sexual excitement that we could be feeling all of those things at the same time. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes. Neil Sattin: Each one calling out for potentially a completely different kind of response. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes. Neil Sattin: So, no wonder we get all bound up with anxiety or overwhelm or feel any any of those things that just kind of paralyze us in a moment. Or if we, if we name one and we just kind of go with the first thing, "Oh, I'm feeling sad right now," and then you neglect the others, how you could feel incomplete in terms of actually processing the experience that you're having. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly. Exactly and that's why it's so important to keep sort of searching when you notice one particular emotion to just keep looking around. What else is there? And to, it really helps to kind of run through that checklist. I still do that I've been practicing this a long time and I, I run through the different emotions and once you name them and search for them you know you might even find them. I say to my patients, "Even there's you know just check for like a little molecule of joy there, or a little molecule of sadness, and then if you find it you know, Oh maybe I need to actually make space for this particular emotion I spend so much time, you know, really orienting myself towards my anger, that I'm missing out on what the sadness or the fears telling me.". Neil Sattin: Yeah. I was I was searching for a good acronym while, while I was reading the book, I was like there must be a good one for those core emotions to like help people just kind of do the, do the checklist. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah. Did you find one? Because I looked hard also. Neil Sattin: Not yet but I'll let you know if I can. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah. Yeah. Neil Sattin: And there's not a good one for all those C's when you're when you're... But I do like how you also offer that as an example of looking for you know am I feeling calm, right now? Am I feeling clear? Am I feeling compassionate? To be able to go through that list to find the nuances of your experience right now and to highlight, "Okay here are ways that I am feeling courageous even though at the same time I'm getting all this, this tremulous fear going through my body. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes, exactly. And I think even sometimes you can bypass the whole thing and just really try to shift into those states if you don't like what you're feeling right now and it's a particularly a great idea when you're about to have a conversation with somebody important to you, to before you do try to, try to just see if you can shift into a calmer, certainly more curious standpoint, more state, where you can try to take a couple of deep breaths and access some curiosity, so we don't make assumptions about another person's motives because they're often incorrect you know we make up our own stories and then we believe them without checking them out. And to try to lean into connection, so that, let's say you know again your partner really pisses you off. It's important, and the brain doesn't naturally do this, you have to push, put energy behind this idea of remembering the good things somebody has done to kind of take the steam out of the uh... You know, we can rev ourselves up with anger and start to think it's like chaining, you then, everything that someone ever did to hurt you comes back with a vengeance. Unless we really pull the other way and say, "OK, what is why do I love this person." Or if I can't remember that I loved him at one point, you know what is it that I used to love about this person and try to conjure those that part of it as well. It takes energy. It's not easy because we're really pulled to tough places and we have to use mental energy to pull ourselves back and it doesn't feel good at first, always. Neil Sattin: Yeah yeah. Wow so many different directions that I'm going in at the moment. I think first I just want to name, it's really lovely the way that you show the integration of AEDP work through the vignettes, vignettes that you offer in your book, and also internal family systems and working with different parts of you, younger parts. If you're a listener for, and you have been for a while then you've perhaps heard the interviews we've done with Dick Schwartz, the most recent one is episode I wrote this down episode 140, where so you can you can get a sense of how the two modalities work really well together, fit super well together. And so all of that work to get to understand and process and metabolize your emotional experience, and to learn how to show up for yourself can come through what we've been talking about today and can also be helped by getting to identify the places in you that are stuck in a past experience. And the reason that I wanted to bring that up is because you were just talking about like the the possibility of skipping to connection and calmness, or doing what you can to to get to that place especially if you're going to reach out to someone that's important to you. And I liked how you also bring in the work of Peter Levine and talk about how all of this energy that emotions bring up in, in us when they're not processed when, when that energy isn't metabolized, then that is what creates trauma in our bodies -- that, that stuck energy that never quite got released. And so some of those stories in your book are just were so moving to me, as I, as I read them and got to see like oh right there's another nuance of how this could apply to me or to my clients. And so really beautiful, I think, to to see it written out like that but let's get into a little bit more of the... Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Thank you by the way. Neil Sattin: Yeah yeah you're welcome. Let's get into the metabolizing and in particular let's talk about fantasy, because that use of the imagination and how it can help I think can be so powerful for us when we, when we're wrestling with that question of: "Well, I feel so angry or I feel so sad or bereft or whatever it is, and I don't know like I want to bring it to that person I want them to feel my anger. I want them to see the depths of my sadness." How can we do it in a way that's actually going to be more productive and give us the satisfaction of truly handling and, and, and giving our body some relief from those unfulfilled impulses? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah. That's, that's, that's, that's a question that has many levels because I think what I'm first responding to is this idea of wanting someone to see and wanting to really be seen, in with one's emotions. And so I think that is legitimate. And, and then there are times when that's all somebody sees and they get weary. So it's it's really... you have to keep a lot in mind. So, I thought you were just going to kind of ask me about working with child parts and releasing stuck energy as a sort of either, either as an alone process or with a therapist and then you surprised me when you brought in this idea of, if you bring it into relationship and that makes it all sort of like it, I think we have to deal with one and then the other. Neil Sattin: Yeah let's start with a first part.: Yeah, let's start with the first part... Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah. Neil Sattin: ...which would be that the inner process that we might go through, and then and then we can bridge into bringing that into relationship. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Great. Great. So, I now I really consider myself a trauma therapist and I now think of trauma as something that everybody has just from surviving their childhoods. And so then we were changing the definition of trauma. This is still very controversial. You hear the word trauma, which most people still think of as a, as a some major catastrophic event happening, that is trauma. I'm adding on to that something that is also called small-T trauma -- which many people in the trauma field object to because it's it's sort of putting a value judgment on trauma. That one is smaller or bigger, which is, I want to say, that, that's not the case it's just some way to to differentiate different types of trauma. And small-T trauma is really what I believe everybody has, and small-T trauma is really, um, can be from so, so many, so many things that actually happened in our childhood. But the bottom line is, and I'm sure Diana Faucheux and David Marr spoke about this in the other episodes, that whenever we have too much emotion which happens a lot when we're children because our brains are full of emotion and very powerful emotion. So when there's too much emotion and too much aloneness at the same time, then the mind figures out a way to kind of block it. So it's not overwhelming. And then once that happens a lot where we're kind of blocking whole parts of ourselves and whole experiences and those are these little kind of child parts that we all have that are alone these kind of child parts of us exist alone because they had to be kind of cordoned off. So this, this happens you know if you have... In most families there's a parent that doesn't tolerate a certain emotion and so when you feel that emotion you are really told, you know, to put it away or get over it or you're yelled at or it's not acknowledged. So that kind of thing, on a small level, becomes big because when we have to exclude parts of our experience then they are literally excluded in the mind, they're not integrated. They're not connected to other parts of the... of us. So these are the the parts when I use the word parts from Richard Schwartz or in psychoanalytic literature they were called interjects. That we might have absorbed parts of our parents in us. It can be many, many different things but these are the parts that sort of live on with us, within us and they can get triggered and then we can start to react. The reaction is, is not really commensurate with what happens in our adult relationships. So, I think everyone can relate to like just when somebody pokes you in that just wrong place and you felt the feeling many, many times before and you can kind of track it back into fourth grade when you were bullied or ostracized, or you can track it back to sixth grade when you started to know that your sexuality or gender wasn't the same as the people around you or you were punished too severely, yelled at, you know all these or somebody you loved died when you were young or got sick or there was substance abuse, active substance abuse in the family, all these type of things and then these parts of us hold... They have their own triangles in a way and we need to be with those parts and liberate those old emotions so that they don't fire off and cause havoc in our adult relationships and inside us and make us feel bad all the time. Neil Sattin: Yes. So we can, so you can get related to in a particular moment. The part of you that is feeling, that is having this emotional experience and to what was happening at the time and the way that you portray that in the book, I think is, is a great illustration of how to go through this process for someone and then talk about if you could, that, taking it to that next level of where you incorporate fantasy as a way of helping either a younger part or just helping yourself in the present with an emotional feeling how you could actually kind of burn off some of that energy before you're bringing it out, into how you connect with the world. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah I guess I'll use the, we could take any emotion and you can change this, but I'm going to, I'm going to go with these big energy emotions that are common like how you burn off as you say anger energy and also kind of feeling good about the self prideful energy both of these create a lot of anxiety and depression in people when they're blocked. And so I really like to, to harp on let's liberate this, this energy and how can we do it in a safe way. So one of the the the most effective ways to work with anger is, and I use this a lot myself... And I'm sort of pausing here because as people listen to this, it may seem kind of crazy. But we begin with the fundamental idea that the brain doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality in certain, in emotional ways. And we know this from experiments where somebody imagines running and they're hooked up to an FMRI, that they imagine they're running. And there is movement in the in the parts of the brain as if they were actually running. So... And we see this every day in clinical practice. So, let's say I am angry, I'm going to take my sweet and wonderful husband John as an example here because I use him all the time. Let's say John does something, and he really doesn't anymore, we really get along quite well. But let's say he did something that really, really threw me into a rage. What I have learned to do and practice many times is before I go talk to him about it, I will, I know I will be able to identify that I am angry, right? And rage is sort of all emotions are on a spectrum from a little irritation or annoyance to outright rage. I will know, I will be able to say to myself: I am enraged. I will be able to feel that deeply in my body a burning energy in my stomach and a, and a movement of energy that wants to come right up and out, and I will not do anything, but I will focus in on that energy, listening to it with a kind of curiosity, kind of tuning in like a radio receiver feeling it deeply and seeing what that energy wants to do to John and it might want to just, so I and then I try to make it into a fantasy. So the idea is I'm noticing that if that energy could come up and out of me in a fantasy or a movie like, let it play out in a movie I would see myself just like punching the crap out of him. Like that's how angry I am that I really want to hurt him. And then I will allow myself in a fantasy to imagine doing that. And I do this in sessions for people that have a lot of pent up energy from being abused as children and neglected and various very hurtful things that were done to them. So I can see myself actually doing what this anger wants to do and trying to really even feel it as I see myself making contact with skin. And just let it... Imagining it and imagining it, watching it and watching it and watching it, and doing it and doing it and doing it in fantasy, until it feels done. Like the the energy will discharge and will drain out. And then when I tune back into my body, I'll feel probably tired and a little more calm so that I can then gather my wits about me and go back and say, and say, "We need to talk about what you did. I was so furious because you hurt me so badly when you did this this and this. And I never ever want you to do that again." That type of thing as opposed to storming out, I wanted divorce, you know this isn't working or attacking him you know verbally abusing him for everything that he's ever done, and which isn't going to help, it's going, it may feel better in the moment. And then I'm going to feel guilty afterwards. He's going to withdraw. It's going to escalate a fight and it's going to increase our disconnection. Neil Sattin: Yes. . Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Does that make sense? Neil Sattin: Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. And one thing that I think you mention in the book is how often you can go with that initial like you're feeling all that anger and rage and seeing that. And then when that is finally discharged through imagining this scenario, that it leaves room for another core emotion to rise up. So it may not end there, it may be that after you experience your rage, you then experience your sadness or your fear. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly. Neil Sattin: And so there's there's a lot there to be processed and what you named so beautifully was the problem not only with having those experiences, but, or emotions but having them and feeling alone and how showing up for yourself in this way also undoes that aloneness. I think that's such a powerful aspect of the work as you describe it. It's also so powerful in my experience of Dick Schwartz's work in IFS, that it it's kind of undoing aloneness with yourself not that you don't want to get to a place where you're inviting other people in. But, it also just builds such resilience knowing that in a moment like that, a powerfully charged moment, you actually have the capacity to to do something about it. Just you. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly. And in that sort of reminds me to say that when you are connecting to yourself in that way, one has to have the utmost compassion and empathy as though you were relating to your own child or pet who you love or someone that you really cared about that you would never hurt. It's really unconditional love and positive regard, and not shaming yourself not judging yourself. Right? Because fantasy is so fabulous it doesn't hurt anybody. Even though some people get scared you know, when a lot of people that have a lot of trauma or even a little trauma, and I first kind of try to teach them how to do this. They... Guilt comes up and they're like," Well I don't feel good about myself. You know good people don't do this," and and I was like, "Well I'll explain. You know, you don't do it out in real life. That's what we're trying to to prevent." But, the capacity to use fantasy is very, very healthy and that's why it's so important when you have little children to use imaginative play and even as parents listening that when you're one child let's say wants to hit your other child, when they're young, because it's not always easy to have a sibling. Just use this as an example. You don't kind of block the anger and say no you have to love your your sister or brother, and, and we don't hit, you have to find a way to, to accept and to channel it, like we don't hit grown ups and we don't say mean thing -- we don't say we don't hit people and we don't say mean things to people. But here's this doll you can imagine it's your sister. And we can beat it up together and have a good old time. And that way the kid is learning to sublimate -- how to use emotions and play at the exact same time and that it doesn't have to be a toxic experience that the emotions are validated and they have to be released. And it doesn't have to be with again beating up like or even a fantasy of beating up like I just shared about myself. It could be writing these things out, unedited, just writing what you want to say to someone drawing a picture of what you want to say or do to someone. The idea is to just get it out, and it has to work so we not only have to get it out but you have to sort of the next step after this is do I feel calmer. Do I feel better. And if the answer is no, there's either more to be done or there's inhibitory emotions that are getting in the way and complicating it or other emotions that need tending. And it may be that you need to bring it to someone who is a professional to help you do this. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I was going to say this could be a good place to get support. Especially at something. If you're like, Oh, that feels like a big river of rage or grief or whatever it is. Well great. Like it's awesome that you identified that and sit with someone who knows how to help, how to hold you in that. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly. Exactly. Neil Sattin: Well what a rich conversation. And before we go today, Hilary I'm wondering if we can just take a moment to bring this back into the relational realm and, and talk about how, like, if you identify something going on with your partner or something is going on with you and we've talked about taking this space so that you can process and metabolize, is there a way to bring what you now know about the change triangle, maybe into your connections so that you and your partner can now be on the same team with seeing how this dynamic is at work as the two of you come together? What's a good first step, I think, for people to bring this into their relationship? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes. Well, what what I would say as a, as a good first step is to make sure that both of you have the exact same information. So when possible, I really wrote the book to be used in many ways as a, as a workbook and to read the book together with your partner and to go through the exercises gives you just that, you're on the same page. And even though it will take practice over a lifetime to work it together. That at least you have the same bit of knowledge and you've gone through the same exercises which are pretty simple and, and, and, and, and just to say why I put case examples is because emotions have to be experienced. How do you help somebody get a sense for an experience? And that had to be through the stories. So, I would say just to make sure that the person that you're wanting to connect with has some basic emotion education. And... Neil Sattin: Perfect. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: And then after that established ground rules. I wrote a little blog on this for, for, for how to find your life partner on medium that you want to establish ground rules that you won't be mean that nobody is going to attack or retaliate in ways that are dangerous and hurtful and that you don't abandon, so that if a conversation has to stop because it gets hard, and one person gets too anxious, then you then you have to be able to say to each other. I'm overwhelmed I'm not able to really think as I'm talking to you, anymore. Let's take a break but we'll come back and finish this because really in relationships all there, all there is is talking. You have to just keep talking. And then lastly I would say is you want to try to use the change triangle to make sure that, that both people are relating as much as possible from a core place. Either from that openhearted state or from the emotional state of the core emotions where you're saying, you're using I statements like, "I'm afraid," "I feel anger about this," "I feel sadness about this," as opposed to you, you, you, you, you. And that, when you're, when both people move to the top of the triangle, when you're either you're they're anxious or ashamed or guilty or defensive, you really have to stop. Like, I make a time out motion when I'm working with couples or even working in my own relationship, let's stop and then I say let's rewind to where we were going fine and then somehow we went off the rails and then it's usually a miscommunication, or let's stop and take a break and calm down and let's come back tomorrow again sit and have coffee or tea and begin again and see where did we go wrong, where, where, literally if you sort of track moment to moment: You're having a discussion. Everything is going fine. I want to talk about you know, why we, we don't have more fun together and then all of a sudden one person starts to get anxious or you start to, one person starts to get angry then you can literally stop and say, "Let's rewind to right before you, like I felt like I was with you we were connected and then all of a sudden I said, 'Well I don't really you know. You know, you're no fun anymore.' And then I noticed you got defensive." And then that's where you have to work because the person might say, "Yeah. When you told me that I wasn't fun anymore it hurt my feelings. And then I, I went up into the top of the triangle. I started to get defensive." Neil Sattin: That's great. And, and I see to this opportunity for couples who really start to get this together to like, in a state of shame or anxiety or guilt those inhibitory emotions to learn how to show up for each other in those moments to help, settle whatever is going on or to help navigate their partner back into a place of like feeling understood or seen, and that might be a good, a good return visit for you on the show to talk a little bit more about how how they can collaborate in a moment like that to bring themselves back to a core emotional state. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah I would love to. Neil Sattin: Hilary Jacobs Hendel, thank you so much for being here. If people want to learn more about your work where can they find you? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: I have a website with tons of free resources all about emotions and that's Hilary-Jacobs-Hendel-dot-com. Or you could just google "the change triangle" and you can also get there by going to "the-change-triangle-dot-com," and there's articles that I've written for major media outlets. There's my blog which the titles are pretty explanatory of what they're about. And then there's a tool box section that has a lot of resources. So that would be the best place. I also have a youtube channel, so I could go over and explain certain aspects of this and I do something called 1 minute videos on emotional health, because everybody's so busy and nobody has an attention span anymore, so that's "The Change Triangle" YouTube station and then my Website. And then of course the book is the whole enchilada because it was what I did is it's got exercises so that you work The Change Triangle along with me as I'm working The Change Triangle with the people in my practice and then there's little bits of no jargon science to explain what's going on because I wouldn't have been interested in any of this had it not been deeply grounded in current neuroscience. That was really important to me. So, that's really gives you the whole kind of flavor of what's going on. Neil Sattin: Great. And again the book is called "It's Not Always Depression" and we will have links to all of that on the page for this episode where you can download the transcript. And that's Neil-Sattin-dot-com-slash-triangle or as always you can text the word passion to the number 3-3-4-4-4 and follow the instructions. Hilary... Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes. Can I just say one more thing? Neil Sattin: Yeah of course. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: The book just won two book awards that won the 2018 Best Book Award for psychology and mental health, and the Nautilus Award for personal growth. So I just wanted to share that because I'm hoping that people will read this book and that eventually the, our entire society will be very well educated from an emotional standpoint. I think it can really change things for the better. Neil Sattin: Absolutely and congratulations on those awards. They are well-deserved. You definitely have a gift from taking all of this information and making it really practical for people who read the book. So, big recommend for me. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Thank you. Thank you.
Wow I'm super proud of us! We bridge the gaps with this episode right here with up and coming lyricist KEELOW BUT we also add an extra SPECIAL BONUS treat with MAESTRO FRESH WES! Let's Go! Intro songs L. KEY - Birds is Singin' https://youtu.be/vponmhwxBnM?t=47s PORTION - LOST FEELINGS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3yJd7RhzQs Top 6ix Tracks In Toronto 1. Cholocash x Guapa Baby x JayBands- Been Hot 2. Chopz x YK- Trap 3. Pollomadeit- Fiji 4. WhyG- Wauce 5. JNeat- Rain Drop 6. Thorobread- Thank God Honourable Mentions Tory Lanez- Freaky 365- Told The Plug Lowkey - Please Dont Go PORTION - LOST FEELINGS Same$hift- Longest Time Strkz- Feel My Pain Up Coming Events: - We Love Hip Hop Live March 30th (Secret Location) Upcoming Event giveaway for 2 bottles. Get the 1st one in advance for being ticket buyer #55 HALF THE PROCEED WILL BE DONATED TO J LIVE'S FAMILY! News/Smoke & Mirrors ( All Available on www.WeLoveHipHop,ca) -Pray for New Zealand RIP to the 50 victims and condolences to the families. - The N-Word Story resolution - What happened between KODAK BLACK AND STICKKY FINGAZ (WLHH Alumni) - Killy nominated for Juno (Finally they reckoning young rap artists) - HMV turning into dispensary - Adam 22 held at gun point on the No Jumper Podcast - We Love Hip Hop Radio 2 Days a week Fridays & Sundays IGTV For Graphic Design Services Please email us @ welovehiphoptoronto@gmail.com Smoke Break Music: Full Crate - LowKey ft. Jayd Ink https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9hsX20hhBE&feature=youtu.be From The Break Music OATS FT PAPERBOY-GET IT https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIxYW9c24D0 Road Tune: Cuzzin Charlie - Try Ah Ting! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PXDIy3bQJU Keelow: www.instagram.com/keelowdgc/ Maestro Fresh Wes: https://www.instagram.com/maestrofreshwes/ We Love Hip Hop: www.instagram.com/welovehipho... Friday: www.instagram.com/fridayricky... PK Herc: www.instagram.com/ssc_heyherc... Spoiled Smokers: www.instagram.com/spoiledsmok... Yung Gucci Official: www.instagram.com/yunggucciofficial/?hl=en Research Team: Savy: www.instagram.com/ssavey/ Layth Hilwani www.instagram.com/whatslaythlisteningto/?hl=en Dill Stuart: www.instagram.com/dill.stuart/?hl=en
Wow I'm super proud of us! We bridge the gaps with this episode right here with up and coming lyricist KEELOW BUT we also add an extra SPECIAL BONUS treat with MAESTRO FRESH WES! Let's Go! Intro songs L. KEY - Birds is Singin' https://youtu.be/vponmhwxBnM?t=47s PORTION - LOST FEELINGS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3yJd7RhzQs Top 6ix Tracks In Toronto 1. Cholocash x Guapa Baby x JayBands- Been Hot 2. Chopz x YK- Trap 3. Pollomadeit- Fiji 4. WhyG- Wauce 5. JNeat- Rain Drop 6. Thorobread- Thank God Honourable Mentions Tory Lanez- Freaky 365- Told The Plug Lowkey - Please Dont Go PORTION - LOST FEELINGS Same$hift- Longest Time Strkz- Feel My Pain Up Coming Events: - We Love Hip Hop Live March 30th (Secret Location) Upcoming Event giveaway for 2 bottles. Get the 1st one in advance for being ticket buyer #55 HALF THE PROCEED WILL BE DONATED TO J LIVE'S FAMILY! News/Smoke & Mirrors ( All Available on www.WeLoveHipHop,ca) -Pray for New Zealand RIP to the 50 victims and condolences to the families. - The N-Word Story resolution - What happened between KODAK BLACK AND STICKKY FINGAZ (WLHH Alumni) - Killy nominated for Juno (Finally they reckoning young rap artists) - HMV turning into dispensary - Adam 22 held at gun point on the No Jumper Podcast - We Love Hip Hop Radio 2 Days a week Fridays & Sundays IGTV For Graphic Design Services Please email us @ welovehiphoptoronto@gmail.com Smoke Break Music: Full Crate - LowKey ft. Jayd Ink https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9hsX20hhBE&feature=youtu.be From The Break Music OATS FT PAPERBOY-GET IT https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIxYW9c24D0 Road Tune: Cuzzin Charlie - Try Ah Ting! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PXDIy3bQJU Keelow: www.instagram.com/keelowdgc/ Maestro Fresh Wes: https://www.instagram.com/maestrofreshwes/ We Love Hip Hop: www.instagram.com/welovehipho... Friday: www.instagram.com/fridayricky... PK Herc: www.instagram.com/ssc_heyherc... Spoiled Smokers: www.instagram.com/spoiledsmok... Yung Gucci Official: www.instagram.com/yunggucciofficial/?hl=en Research Team: Savy: www.instagram.com/ssavey/ Layth Hilwani www.instagram.com/whatslaythlisteningto/?hl=en Dill Stuart: www.instagram.com/dill.stuart/?hl=en
This week on the PodKast we have Writer/Actor/Director/All Around Asian Justin Chon! We talk about his journey up the acting ladder into writing and directing, his philosophy on goal setting, and what fuels him to keep pushing forward as an Asian-American man in Hollywood. Stay tuned for the all the laughs, bouts of nostalgia and the heroic journey from Extra to Actor. Justin Chon https://www.instagram.com/justinchon https://www.twitter.com/justinchon 4:14 - …tricking yourself into making things digestible for yourself is at least for me been how I've been able to continue to go forward. You know like when you're running long distance and you go okay, just get to that fire hydrant but then you run past it then you go again and its like I'm still running so I might as well get that light post… 7:35 - You know being Asian though like we're taught to never cry, we're taught to swallow our feelings and all that stuff and I was like WOW…I'm getting like applauded, I'm getting like praised for being you know emotionally honest, that’s cathartic and that’s when I was hooked… Rumor has it. - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0398375/?ref_=nv_sr_1 Mark Ruffalo - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Ruffalo Jennifer Aniston - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jennifer_Aniston Hangover - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1119646/ 21 & Over - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1711425/?ref_=nv_sr_1 Jon Lucas - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jon_Lucas Scott Moore - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott_Moore_(screenwriter) 14:14 - Hey so like I'm starting to write, how do I get better? Write everyday. 16:18 - People think theres like um, they always think theres a destination. Theres no destination. The destination is just…its just the process…it’s just the journey…and the destination those are just sign posts along the way…theres no end all be all because if you do get that, you're still gonna be unhappy. Ms. Purple - https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2084768431/ms-purple-a-justin-chon-film Claude Monet - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claude_Monet Edouard Manet - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%89douard_Manet CS Lee - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._S._Lee Michael Ironside - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Ironside Jack Lemmon - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Lemmon Paul Newman - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Newman Marlon Brando - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marlon_Brando 1:00:15 - Success for me again is not a destination, it’s a journey of life. It’s the process. Macro (production company) - https://www.imdb.com/search/title?companies=co0515595 Denzel Washington - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denzel_Washington Mudbound - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2396589/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 Sorry to Bother You - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5688932/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1 TMobile Poser Mobile Commercial https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4AWazJ3FsM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyHfF5CzXN4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu9HJJ0RN6s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfqhorF1bAU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZRV5qM8WRU Hirokazu Kore-eda (Japanese Director) - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hirokazu_Kore-eda Wong Kar-wai - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wong_Kar-wai Bobby Lee - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bobby_Lee Genghis Khan - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genghis_Khan Attic Buena Park - https://www.facebook.com/atticbp BgA - Dong Saya Dae - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beZFLT0Ixag Lawrence Kao - https://www.instagram.com/iamlawrencekao/ https://www.kinjaz.com/podkast https://www.kinjazpodkast.com https://www.instagram.com/kinjazpodkast https://www.twitter.com/kinjazpodkast https://www.facebook.com/kinjazpodkast
Welcome to my first episode! WOW Im out of my comfort zone and trying something new but I cant wait to see how this podcasting thing goes, Id love to hear your feedback! My media links are below! Submit your questions and suggestions to thetargetgirlpodcast@gmail.com Follow: @the.targetgirl @lauren.lebouef Connect with Lauren: HERE +SUBSCRIBE to Laurens YouTube: HERE +SUBSCRIBE to this podcast and leave a review
No one is exempt from the growing pains of starting and running a business. No matter how much you’ve got it made. Some of us even hit rock bottom. More than once. Ironically, those experiences are the chisel that shapes rocks into rockstars. In this episode, we spotlight David Schloss, owner and operator of Convert ROI — a multi-million-dollar advertising agency specializing in social advertising. He shares an inspiring journey full of entrepreneurial ebbs and flows including his near bout with bankruptcy, and the fateful Google search that started it all. Good luck walking away from this episode without feeling like you can move mountains. Episode Topics How David discovered his passion Dealing with massive spikes and massive downfalls What is SEO? When we block our own potential Why personal development is crucial to entrepreneurs There's a hot market for course junkies! The best way to get your foot in the door as a new service-based business The art of client retention Why David's business fell apart twice and how he recovered How David got his 1st client ranked #2 on Google in 5 days What good client communication looks like Developing a non-salesy sales pitch The disadvantage of being a digital native How he landed his first $750 per month client Turning a local network into $10.5K in recurring monthly revenue in 4 days How David successfully rebranded his agency and himself The building blocks of operating a successful agency Handling a Facebook bash with grace Inspirational advice for the struggling entrepreneur [4:45] Starting line: When David was a freshman in college, he Googled ways to make money online. He taught himself how to use WordPress and build Web 2.0 properties. [7:49] First sale: Six months later, he launched an affiliate site and signed up for Clickbank. He made his 1st sale after 90 days. His goal was $3k/mo. [12:18] He purchased and reviewed 50 products from Warrior Forum over 9 months. [15:56] “When I made that commission sale it was like the beginning of this newfound addiction.” [17:38] 10xing: Built a gigantic network of 10-page websites using the same framework. [18:49] Gaining momentum: At age 19, he had 50 domains on a massive dedicated server and was making $2,200/mo. [19:34] Discovering passion: "I felt like I was becoming an engineer because I was having to constantly coordinate stuff and figure out where it came from, but it was fun. And that's when I noticed, 'Wow I'm really passionate about this stuff." [21:39] Local networking: He mentioned he ranked websites to another member at a club meeting, eventually landing him his first client. “All I had to do was put it out there." [22:50] First Client: David got his client’s video ranked locally at #2 within 5 days. That became David’s 1st case study and repeat client at $750/month. [26:22] He performed the exact same process for nearly a dozen others over a year. [29:03] Pivot point #1: From 2008-2010, two people told David to get away from SEO and get into paid ads. He went all in. [31:11] Growing pains: During his first few years doing FB Ads, his business fell apart twice because of his sales process and inability to communicate with clients. [32:42] Hard times: His business lost sustainability so he got a job and worked 30 hours a week for 2 years. [33:28] All or nothing: In 2014, business went down then up and stabilized. He quit his job and went all in with no savings. [34:34] He still didn't know what he was doing wrong and was close to bankruptcy with zero clients. [35:16] Rock bottom: “On Halloween of 2014, I just remember sitting on the floor, crying my eyes out thinking ‘wow I can't even afford buying candy for kids ‘cos I have nothing.” David was 7 days away from having his car repossessed and being evicted. [35:52] Pivot point #2: On 11/1/14, he sent a message to all 750 of his Facebook friends offering to audit their ads in exchange for one piece of advice. He did 77 audits in 3 days—7 of them became $1500/month clients. [38:07] Perfect pitch: “It was the starting point of me believing in myself because then I was like ‘oh my god, I figured it out. I know what I need to say!” [40:46] "There's so much opportunity sitting literally within your immediate circle that if you just ask, you'd be surprised at the results you'd get." [42:20] Expert's Corner: David on Discovering and Reaching Your Potential Evaluate who you are and your values What do you like to work on? Who do you want to work with? Analyze where you are and where you want to be Hold yourself to it Realize it's a journey and the adventure's supposed to be fun [43:53] For those struggling: “It’s OK. It's part of the process. Trust the process and keep doing what you need to do because eventually you'll break through and you'll get exactly what you want.” [44:28] How David successfully rebranded his agency and himself. [44:55] How he got the idea to do a case study a month including one in late 2017 that lead to hundreds of people contacting him. [48:24] Challenge, discomfort, growth: The more David put himself in massively uncomfortable situations, the more his business grew. [50:16] Finding your passion and vision as a service provider. [52:06] Why mindset and personal development as an entrepreneur is important: “…Because you're gonna go through some crazy sh*t." Connect with David Facebook Instagram: @DSchloss925 David@convertroi.com David's Epic Case Study What’d you think? Give Joel some feedback on this episode, yeah? Joel@thewebinaragency.com Subscribe to the Experts Unleashed YouTube Channel for exclusive video trainings and content. Join ourFacebook group where you’ll find thousands of fellow experts plus access to hangouts and webinars to support you on your journey. Want Joel's personal help to develop, launch, or scale your business? Contact him directly for private consulting opportunities.
Todd Uterstaedt interacts with high-powered leaders all day, guiding them as they build their teams, create their company culture, and practice the productivity hacks that help them transform from founders to CEOs. But ask the founder/CEO coach and "From Founder to CEO"podcast host just how he stays focused on his priorities as he juggles a family and demanding clients, and his answer may surprise you: pool walking. Yup, you read that right. Uterstaedt's secret to being a high achiever hinges upon whether he can get to his local pool and unplug for an hour while walking laps. "Productivity and mental clarity are intimately connected,"Uterstaedt explained to me. "You have to exercise, right? You have to do things that give your mind peace and clarity so that you know the single biggest thing to do as it relates to productivity, which is appropriately prioritize. "You can't prioritize things if your mind is racing and you haven't given your mind the opportunity to be clear about exactly who you are, exactly what your company's doing and exactly what your responsibilities are within that company." Uterstaedt experienced a major moment of professional clarity during his time in the Army. He was stationed in Berlin just after November 9, 1989 — a.k.a. the date the Berlin Wall fell. "I was enlisted at the time and watching military officers do their work as intelligence officers. I was doing well and heard about a "Green to Gold" scholarship, in which an enlisted individual can apply to go back to school, finish their degree, and become army officer." Not one to back down from a challenge, Uterstaedt decided to go for it, and got it. Now, he credits that year in Berlin and the amazing things that were happening there with him going after his first big professional moment. And the achievements have only piled up since then. Today, Uterstaedt brings people together through his peer group for founding CEOs, Trail Team 10. Recognizing that founders need a group of peers to bounce ideas off of, Uterstaedt launched Trail Team 10 about a year ago to help a group of founders from different cities come together on a regular basis and solve practical problems. And despite being from different cities, Uterstaedt helped this group foster a distant intimacy that felt real and authentic. But whether you're a founder/CEO or a regular 9-5er trying to grow professionally, Uterstaedt has one piece of advice for setting and achieving your goals. First, he suggests setting six month goals instead of annual goals, reasoning that a year is too long for most goals and a June check-in can be much more valuable. Second, Uterstaedt recommends sharing that goal with two key people: one who knows you personally and "just gets you," and one professional acquaintance who "knows the industry" and can offer their perspective there. To hear more of Uterstaedt's tips for founders and CEOs and apply them to your own goals, listen to our episode of #WeGotGoals. Don't forget to rate and review on iTunes. --- JAC: Welcome to #WeGotGoals, a podcast by aSweatLIfe.com on which we talk to high achievers about their goals. I'm Jeana Anderson Cohen; with me, I have Cindy Kuzma and Kristin Geil. KG: Good morning, Jeana. CK: Good morning, Jeana. JAC: Good, morning, Kristen and Cindy. KG: So this week I spoke with Todd Uterstaedt, who is the founder and CEO of a company called from Founder to CEO. He's got a podcast of the same name and his goal is to help level up your leadership. So he's a founder and CEO coach and he has a lot of really interesting insights into productivity and the sort of ways that you organize your day and the small changes you can make to make you not only a better more productive manager but a better leader and a better CEO. CK: There were so many things that I thought were interesting about this interview, Kristen, and one of them was the way that Todd uses both old school techniques and technology to achieve his goals and to help others achieve their goals. I thought his workout of choice was particularly fascinating, pool walking, because this is something that as a runner who has been injured I have forced myself to do when I've been hurt but the idea that if somebody does that as their workout of choice it's fascinating and I think some of the reasons were really interesting. Can you talk to me a little bit about that. KG: Yes absolutely. So Todd, as you will hear in this podcast, he loves technology. He is all about using technology strategically to help us replace time-sucking administration tasks. One he mentions specifically was the act of scheduling a meeting. You know there's always a lot of back and forth about. No I've got this time at this time. But what about location and he mentioned a technology that specifically takes that back and forth out of scheduling so all you have to do is sign up for a time slot and you are good to go with your partner that you're trying to meet with. However, when everything's getting to be a little too much and he needs to clear his head his favorite way to do that is to go completely off line for some pool walking. And he said that he loves the Zen aspect of it. He loves the fact that he physically can't have a phone or an iPad or a computer with him obviously because of the water. And he said it's when he gets some of his best thinking done. So I think there's other ways to do it if pool walking has bad memories for you Cindy, I'm sure you know running without technology could be something similar. Any way to unplug throughout the day and really sort of get into a flow state where you can let the ideas come to your mind more naturally instead of having a brain that works on overdrive trying to solve every one of the world's problems in the next 24 hours. JAC: He talks to a lot of people who have gone from starting their own company to really moving into the role of CEO. And one thing he sort of preaches is the act of accountability. Can you talk a little bit about that? KG: Yes. So one thing that I thought was really interesting. We've all heard about accountability buddies. You know someone that you text in the morning to make sure that they're going to the gym at the same time as you or someone who is maybe trying to reach a similar goal to you at the same time so you can work on it together. And he encourages his clients to do that as well of course but with a slight twist he wants his clients to share their goals with two people. One person that you know personally and who gets you, who sort of understands the way that you're wired and maybe why you're choosing to accomplish certain goals and maybe how you'll stand in your own way or what particular strengths you have that will help you in that process. But aside from that personal friend he wants you to share your goals with one professional acquaintance who can hold you accountable while knowing maybe more about your industry and you know wha tips and tricks you can use, other people in your network who might be able to help you and sort of having this dual accountability really keeps your goal well-rounded and makes it more of a focus because you're not just segmenting it off until like this is a professional goal or this is a personal goal. It really helps to incorporate it into your whole life. CK: Yeah I loved that and I think that that is just one of the pieces of practical advice that people are really going to be able to take away from this interview. So here is Kristen with Todd. KG: Welcome to the #WeGotGoals podcast. My name is Kristin Geil and today I'm here with Todd Uterstaedt, the founder and CEO of From Founder to CEO. Todd, how are you doing today? TU: I'm doing great Kristen, how are you? KG: I'm good. Thank you. We're so excited to have you on this podcast because leadership and goal setting is something that we're very passionate about over here on aSweatLife and we've loved hearing from you about how you take people to the next level especially when they're cofounding and founding their small businesses and really going through that process to become leaders. So to kick us off can you tell us a little bit about yourself and where you got the idea for From Founder to CEO? TU: Yeah. So I'm a former Army intelligence officer who kind of transformed myself into a management consultant at one point in time. And we started our own executive coaching firm and along the way we started getting lots of phone calls from startup CEOs who said, hey, Todd can you coach us? And Kristen, our business model was not set up for them. It was usually it was set up for mid-sized companies and for corporations. So I got the crazy idea saying well why don't I do a podcast interview successful founders about kind of their personal leadership transformation into CEO because it's really hard to scale a business and scale yourself at the same time. And so yes we started this podcast called from founder CEO and it just took off. KG: Who was a recent guest that you had on? Anyone interesting? TU: Yeah. Do you know Adam Braun of Pencils of Promise? KG: No. Tell me more. TU: So Adam wrote this book a New York Times bestselling book called Promise of a Pencil. And it describes his journey from starting Pencils of Promise, which builds schools around the world in underdeveloped areas and they've built over 400 schools now. And Adam is just a rock star. He's really great guy and he's starting a new company called MissionU. And his book is really about the transformation of him of founding Pencils of Promise into a real organization. And so it was really a joy to have him on the show because I'd read his book and he's really a good guy. KG: That's awesome. I can't wait to check it out. One of the things we asked everyone who comes on the #WeGotGoals podcast is, what is a big goal you've achieved in the past and why was it so important to you. And how did you get there? TU: Yeah that's a big question. I love how you guys ask that question because it's so fundamental to our lives don't you think. KG: Yeah yeah. Really getting into the deep stuff right away here. TU: Yeah well when we started the podcast maybe I'm a little bit ashamed to admit that we didn't really come up with a monetization version of it. We just said you know see if we can build an audience and help people around the world and now we're listened to in over 100 countries around the world. And so at some point in time I said, Well you know this is a lot of work but at the same time people started asking us well what else could you do for us? You know they would e-mail me and say we like to podcast but we need a little bit more help. So I had this goal of creating a group of founders from different cities to come together on a regular basis to really help them solve their practical problems while simultaneously helping them navigate that road from founder to CEO. And so a year ago we started it and it was a lot of work, Kristen. I mean from the branding of it into a setting you up in marketing the marketing of it was a big deal. And a year ago we launched our first group. And in the first 48 hours we got like half of our members right away. And it was just so gratifying to know that we listened to our audience and we created something that they said yes we need this. And then a couple of days ago we had a reunion. They missed each other and we had a reunion and hearing them all described their 2017 and how powerful it was and how well they were doing really made setting that goal of creating what we call Trail team 10. That's the name of the group. really kind of come full circle. Wow I'm so glad that big crazy goal to create this group called Trail Team 10 actually not only came true but also has so impactful in people's lives KG: Ah, that's so fulfilling. I'm sure that must've been a really big moment for you. TU: It was you know it didn't really hit me until we had this reunion call and everyone was saying it had their best year yet 2017 was their best year yet and they just were so excited to see each other again and they missed each other and it was gratifying to see them all doing so well. Because all I did was bring them together and facilitate a dialogue and help keep them focused and really bring them together in a way. It's funny that a friend of mine said to me, well Todd, how are you going to get all these people to connect with each other in a group when they don't know each other. And one of the requirements is they have to be from different cities. And I found that I didn't have to worry about it because they had what we call now distant intimacy. Because they were in different cities they felt real and authentic about sharing. And it worked out really well. So it was very gratifying to answer your question yes. KG: You mentioned right at the start of the interview that you were an army intelligence officer. And I know that you were in Berlin soon after a major moment in human history. Can you tell me a little bit about what that moment was like and how it impacted you as a young man and still today? Not to imply that you're not a young man but it's been a few years since you were in the army. KG: Yes yes that's true. No that's OK. You call me an old man. That's all right. No, you know, it was you know at the time I took it for granted. I was stationed in Berlin Germany just after November 9th 1989 when the wall quote-unquote came down. But it took a while to take the wall down. And I was there after November 9th 1989 and it was really a pivotal moment in my life and it actually turned out to be one of my big first goal setting kind of experiences because I was watching all the military officers and I was enlisted at the time, enlisted in the U.S. Army. And I was watching the officers do their work as intelligence officers. And I was doing well as an enlisted soldier kind of in Berlin Germany when a lot of historical things were happening so it was really interesting time period and they had this thing called a green to gold scholarship. Where basically an enlisted individual can apply to go back to school, finish their degree and become an Army officer and at some point in time I said wow you know I think I really want to strive for this really big goal of competing for this scholarship to go back to school and then go back in the Army as an Army officer. And Kristen, I had no idea whether or not I would get it or not but it was a lot of work to put out the application again and get all the recommendations and just a lot of work. And lo and behold I got it. So I credit that year in Berlin and all the really amazing things that were happening there with me kind of getting my first big professional career goal and accomplishing it. KG: Wow that's amazing. It was such a transformative moment in human history and it's interesting to hear about how it impacted the world at a macro level but then also how in you on a micro level and then came right back out as you work to transform other people as well. TU: Yeah it's funny you haven't thought about that way that way until you just mentioned it but there were so many people's lives that were transformed in that year. I mean East and West Germany came together, East Berlin and West Berlin came together. Families that were separated for decades and it just was really impactful on me to see the power of the human spirit overcome oppression, overcome difficult circumstances. And it just reminded me that gosh my goal was to compete for this scholarship and go back in the Army as an officer. That's a pretty micro goal compared to the big goal of reuniting two countries and it just put things in perspective for me you know. KG: Yeah I totally get that. As you said just now you saw a lot of people overcome huge challenges and obstacles during this time in history. But you also help founders, new founders of emerging startups face their own challenges. What challenges have you found that the founders that you work with face typically that slow them down on their way to becoming an effective CEO and leader? TU: You know it's funny because it's my intention to go back and kind of mine our podcast episodes and pull together kind of an empirical research project and just go back to all of them and kind of catalog all of that. But off the top of my head I would say probably the biggest issue of a founder moving to CEO is being self aware enough to know at the different inflection points the new type of leader is that they need to be for their company. It's hard because it's a constant self-awareness and you have to start off with being someone who is very in tune with who you are and that's not easy to do when your company is growing fast. You know what I mean? KG: Yeah, absolutely. I was thinking when I was brainstorming questions for this interview I thought that maybe a ton of founders that you work with might tend to get caught up in just the small day to day administration of running a new and fledgling company which sort of leaves them hanging when it comes time to big picture and more strategic thinking. TU: I think you're right that exactly it is exactly one of the things that happens because when you are a founder maybe there's you know three or four people on your team maybe they're all cofounders. You tend to wear many hats and it's very difficult to know which hats to begin to take off per se and give those responsibilities to someone else. And so many of them I mean the phrase, the so common phrase Kristen that all of them say is it's hard letting go right? But it means different things at different points in time in that journey. But it's a common phrase because to your point they get used to doing things and now the organization requires them, is asking them sometimes is demanding them to be a different leader and kind of rise up above some of the tasks and focus on larger issues like for example hiring key people and establishing the culture of the organization and managing the culture of the organization which is often kind of the differentiator between a successful startup and scaleup and unsuccessful one. KG: You know that reminds me of one of our favorite things that we say at aSweatLife and that's that everything is better with friends. I also tend to think of that as a way to remind me to keep key people around me. I think of it as like my personal cabinet right. The people that I go to for advice or for help with major decisions or just when I need like a good slap on the face be like wake up a little bit. This is what you need to be doing. So what sort of advice you give the people that you work with for finding those people and maybe not just defaulting to the people who make you feel good but the people who challenge you. TU: Yeah it's a great question the way that those people around you they serve different purposes for you personally right? KG: Right. TU: So I think the same it's the same thing for a founder It's realizing that you need different types of people around you to support you for various different reasons and that takes the shape of many different resources for a founder. So for example if you if you're a funded company your board obviously plays a big role in that. If you're an unfunded company you can create your own personal board of advisers to be a board for you. A lot of founders will join an organization. There's Young Presidents Organization, there's EO. There's an array of organizations to your point to bring people around you and that's why we created Trail Team 10 too because we saw a need for startup CEOs to different cities to kind of be able to come together and challenge each other kind of sharpen each other to be better. But I think it's important to remember that it's okay to have different people sort of different roles so someone could be a really good expert on you have someone who's a mentor about financial issues and you know you get together with him maybe twice a year and it could be a friend it could be a relative or it could be somebody you pay it could be just somebody who takes an interest in you in your business. But bringing those types of people around you is so important. Everyone talks about that and every interview that I've ever done and I know that there's a lot of there's like CEO roundtables that are part of a lot of chambers in different cities that are a lot of people joined as well so I think it's important. You're right not only just from the professional perspective but from a friend perspective to know other people are kind of experiencing some of the things same things that you are. KG: Yeah it gets lonely at the top I hear for CEOs. TU: It does. I just had a lunch appointment today with someone who literally is three doors down from my office who listens to my show. I had no idea who he was and we were just talking about that I said and he was working on some issues as you know my company really knows about all the decisions they have to make on this as it's pretty lonely isn't it he says. You don't even know, Todd. I said, of course I know. He says, oh yeah that's right. So yeah it gets very lonely but it doesn't have to be. And that's one of my kind of mantras to people is it doesn't have to be lonely. Most teams want you to be transparent with them share. Tell them what you're how you're feeling. They can't be overly maudlin about it because then they'll get scared. Right. But you have to share your emotions and how you're feeling about things. That's the pathway for the most successful founding CEOs that I've worked with and I've interviewed. KG: That's awesome. Let's pivot a little bit and talk about productivity. Your website and your podcasts tend to focus on practical, actionable tips that founders can take to follow their dreams. What have you found that works personally for you in your daily life? TU: Yes so there are a lot of things now that technology wise that don't necessarily make you more productive. Like, they don't make a task for you more productive they actually replace tasks which makes you more productive. So we're used to doing things. So maybe I'll be able to do this faster. Well nowadays for example there's an x.ai which completely takes the task of scheduling meetings with people out of your list because it talks to a computer with some artificial intelligence that looks at your calendar and their calendar and sets up the meeting for you without having to do a thing but CC Amy at x.ai. And so that's an example of productivity where founders nowadays are not saying Hey I just want to be able to faster X Y Z they say no I want to use some technology and some other things that replace some of the activities that I do. I think that's the first major insight that many of them have taught me as I've interviewed them. That's number one. Number two is I personally believe that productivity and mental clarity are intimately connected. That you have to have you have to exercise. Right? KG: Right. TU: You have to do things that give your mind peace and clarity so that you know the single biggest thing to do as it relates to productivity which is appropriately prioritize. If you can't prioritize things if your mind is racing and you haven't given your mind the opportunity to be clear about exactly who you are exactly what your company is doing exactly what your responsibilities are in that company. And that requires you know sometimes I'll go to I work at Lifetime Fitness in Cincinnati and I'll go pool walk because it's mindless and no one bothers me and that sounds silly. But just walking back and forth in the pool because it's mindless. Instead of walking outside where there's no resistance it's walking in the pool. But that for me clears my head so that I can then prioritize correctly and then that affects my my productivity. KG: And with that pool walking you have the added bonus of generally not being reachable by phone. You actually have to unplug unless you've got some really fancy waterproof case that I just haven't heard of yet. TU: That's my favorite part. Next time you said I was in the pool and couldn't call you back. KG: Well that is a lot of technology. But you use any fine tools as well. TU: Absolutely. I still use it right here next to me a little notebook. My favorite version is the Moleskin. I love the Moleskin little books, do you know what I'm talking about? KG: Yes absolutely. TU: And every night before I go to bed I write down what are the top three things that I need to get done and the next day. And I do that the day before and I put it in my moleskin notebook in the morning when I wake up I'm I'm able to focus on the things that I need to do in the morning, which is take care of my family get my kids off to school make them breakfast make benefits my wife breakfast. I'm not worrying about having to prioritize what my next day's going to look like. So I do that in my little Moleskin notebook handwriting. I used to use technology for that but I find that doing that and notebook is much more KG: I'm the same way. I still use pen and paper planner which are redundant because of course I've got my google calendar my icalendar all synced up. But everything has to be written down in a paper planned as well just so that I it gets it into my memory a little bit better right like I can remember my appointments easier if I find that I've written down beforehand. TU: There's something about handwriting isn't there? KG: Yeah yeah. Plus not to mention the satisfaction of actually crossing something off your list. TU: My favorite part. KG: And it's off your plate for at least another few days. TU: Yeah well plus you know I don't know about you but like when you do something or computer it feels ephemeral, it feels ... but in my notebook I keep my notebooks and sometimes I go back and look in them. Oh yeah I actually did get a lot accomplished. KG: Yeah absolutely it's a great way to actually track the things that you did get done. I mean who hasn't written something in their notebook that they've already done just so that they can cross it out and feel that sense accomplishment. Right. TU: Yes. Yes Will I also use that notebook too once a week I'll journal and I'll say hey what's bothering me right now what am I grateful for and what will bring me joy in the next couple of weeks and I just do that once a week in my notebook with my other tasks because it gets me kind of thinking bigger picture and the handwriting part I think is to your point is key because it kind of engages my brain differently. KG: We are also big believers at aSweatLife in starting your day off strong especially starting your Mondays off strong. We started carpe Monday. The idea is just to start your week off strong so that your set the tone for everything else that you're going to accomplish the rest of the week. And I feel like that's something that everyone asks CEOs right. So I was wondering if you had a strong morning routine and noticed that the founders and CEOs you work with have similar routines or they have quirky little differences that help set them up for success for the rest of the week or the day? TU: Yeah. So I think I'll put them in two categories and I fall into one category. One is those that have kids and those that do not have kids because for me personally I'm the mom with kids. My wife is a physician and so I always want to give her the gift in the morning of peace before she sees 30 patients in a day. And so I make breakfast for her. I make sure the kids are downstairs eating breakfast and make sure they're ready to go out the door because she brings them to school. So for me my beginning of my morning is about making three other people's lives better and that actually makes me feel good. And I can focus on the rest of the day because I know they're off to a good start. So my getting off to a good start is actually about getting three other people off to a good start. That I think gives a lot of entrepreneurs and founders and founding CEOs who have kids there's usually somehow involved in that. But for those that don't often find a lot of them will meditate or pray. Many of them tell me that they will work out. First I think many of them work out in the morning because they find that the endorphins and everything else that kick in makes them sharper during the day rather than working out at the end of the day. But I think the other thing that they often do is they have a huddle meeting with their team. This is becoming more and more common where it's not one of these big overarching meetings. It's especially for a lot of the virtual ones. They will have a huddle meeting hey here's the three things that I'm focusing on today and here's something I may need help with. Some of them will do. Hey what's your one minute win from the previous day so that they all have some sort of positivity in their lives as they start their day. But usually it's just huggle meeting. That's not long it usually last 10 15 minutes. It's not over. You think that sets the course a lot for many of them. KG: And with those huddle meetings do they find that accountability is a key part of that you know announcing to the group what you're working on helps you sort of stay true to your tasks and maintain that focus during the day? TU: Absolutely. And it does. Another thing I think because of that it helps the founder hear from others so they can in their mind overlay the things that they're doing with the current priorities and strategy of the company since things change so quickly. They're listening to what people are putting their efforts in and then they're able to go back and help them make adjustments. If for some reason something's changing so again it's not heavy but it gives them the kind of that touch base to be able to say oh yeah you know what my team is still focused on the things that we all agreed are the priorities or someone has something personal going on that we need to help them out with. And also maybe rise to the occasion and do their work for them so that kind of alignment with the team is a big factor in addition to the accountability piece. KG: It sounds like it also helps keep the CEOs grounded in terms of being up to date on what exactly their employees job descriptions are and what they're having to do everyday because I know in those companies world can shift really quickly right. And sometimes a CEO might not necessarily know the many hats that someone under him is wearing. TU: Absolutely. I think you're right. And you know they don't talk about it that way mostly but I think the roles and responsibilities is something I often talk with him about. And now that I'm thinking about some of the stories I hear on the course of time some of them actually have a chart. In fact many of them are doing this now. You know they kind of. who has primary responsibilities in this area and who is their backup and they use that conversation to figure out whether or not the backup person needs to move in to their primary role. If as you say a role is changing. KG: Interesting. Yeah that's a great little system for people to start right from the beginning. TU: Yeah I think you're right. KG: Well of course not everyone who listens says podcast is a founder or a CEO. But they are probably taking this month of January to evaluate their new goals and habits that they want to set for the rest of the year. Which of your favorite productivity hacks can be adopted by non CEOs like me? TU: That's a great question. You know I find that sharing your goal with two types of people. One a family person or someone who knows you personally could be a family person could be a friend could be someone that just knows you as a human being rather than a role and then a second person is someone who really knows you professionally. Sharing with them your first six months goal. I don't think it should be an annual goal because it's too far, too many things happen in a year. But I do think between now and the end of June sharing that that goal with two key people. It's hard when it's the same person for the personal professional that's why I think it's important to have to kind of break that out a bit. You are much more likely to accomplish that goal if you told those two people because at least one of them is going to ask you in the next two to three weeks Hey how's it going with x y z. Right. Because they're just curious. And you've stated to them unequivocally and with intention and purpose and so they are naturally going to be interested because we all kind of want to know how we're doing and you know what happens mid February the gym drains. Right? KG: Right. There is a literal day on the calendar called quit day or quit your resolutions day. TU: Is that what it is? I didn't know that. KG: Yeah, it's sometime around the sixth week of the year. Sometime in mid February. I've seen it happen. TU: It's so interesting I did not know that. It's the same idea with any other goal. You know? Whether it's fitness or whatnot if you tell at least two people then you increase the odds that you'll follow through with that six month goal in the new year. KG: It's interesting that you break it down into six month goals instead of a full year goal. Do you envision people reevaluating that goal of the six month period to adjust their course or just hoping to be accomplished within that time frame? TU: No definitely reevaluating definitely. In fact when I worked with founders I always tell them hey you should be having offset from your quote unquote performance evaluation conversations, offset from that you should have your career and goal setting conversations with individuals on your team because the two are very very different. And when you conflate your performance with your goals and your aspirations and hopes it's too difficult to get down. If for example you're not performing well in certain areas will you want to make sure you keep that positive energy. And so I recommend they offset those conversations--and it's the same thing with us we have to revisit the goal setting conversation kind of separate from other things in our lives so that we can look at it and kind of give ourselves the attaboy if we accomplish it or to retweak it right because it may change because something happens between now and June. It's too long ago here. KG: You know you sort of touched on this just now but I imagine that in your work with founders a lot of them are probably focused on very tangible results that they want to achieve for their company. Right. You want to hit this metric you want to hit that. But at the same time as you help them on their journey to becoming really effective leaders and CEOs there's some what I call fuzzy things that they're going to have to change about themselves right? Like how to become a better leader. Well how how can you really measure that? So how do you help reconcile the differences between a less measurable goal with something maybe a little bit more tangible? TU: There is a great question and that is actually the secret sauce about what we do at from founder to CEO because we really help the individual as a human being transform themselves into someone who has more responsibility for more people. And you'd be surprised about how you can actually measure the immeasurable, or the things that you see that are appeared to be measurable. For example one way to measure. You mentioned leadership is to do a quality qualitative or quantitative 360 degree feedback with an individual at the beginning of a time period and later on in the end of a time period. And what that does is you crowdsource feedback from the key stakeholders around you. It could be friends, direct reports, peers, customers, family and you get a really good sense of self awareness around your effectiveness and some of those more intangible areas. And if you do a qualitative interviews with those individuals as well it really adds to a robust set of measurements, quantitatively and qualitatively around those issues. And then you redo that in maybe six months and you can see a shift. It is very clear whether it's just leadership or self-awareness in general. KG: General that's a great idea. It sounds like it must be pretty humbling for the people seeking that 360 degree feedback too. TU: You know there are times people tell me they never got so much feedback all at once about themselves. And it can be overwhelming but at the same time to so many people tell me when I do that exercise with that it is transformational not just to them as a leader or as a founder, founding CEO but as a person because it's about quality feedback. We all get feedback on a regular basis but frequently it's reactive. And that's important that's you know. We want to give an individual an opportunity to fully think through who we are and how we lead etc. And when we do that in a more formal way the richness and robustness of that data produces patterns that are very clear. KG: Interesting. And once you start to recognize those patterns you can start consciously putting in the habits to change them. TU: Absolutely and that's what we do all the time. We help create development plans from that information that get to the heart of an individual's journey from founder to CEO. Because it can be disorienting because especially a fast growth company where you know a year from now there's 25 employees and you had two at the beginning of a year and 25 is the magic number where a lot of the wheels fall off the organization for a lot of different sociological reasons and you have to rethink who you are and how you're leading. Dan Shapiro, the founding CEO of GlowForge told me in his interview--and he has a book called the Hotseat, it's a really good book. And he said a lot of founders will hire someone who is not very good at some of the jobs you're giving up to hedge their bet about if when they get like 25 employees if they're not good at leading that number of people they can go back into what they were doing before. Because they're kind of concerned about their ability to lead. And I found that so interesting that and I see that now kind of how we sabotage ourselves because to your point we're not quite certain we can do these things and we don't have any measurements around them. KG: It sounds like you work with a ton of interesting people and you know really put in the legwork in helping them accomplish their goals. Let's circle back to our second big question that we asked everyone who comes on our podcast. What is a big goal that you have for the future and how do you plan to reach it? TU: This is hard for me because we're just talking about this right now and we're struggling with it. Our Trail Team 10 program is pretty successful and we're proud of it. And it's really producing great results not only for our customers but also for our company. But I think it's time to create a membership program for founders at a price point that is not overwhelming to them so that they can come and go into the membership when they have needs without it being a six month commitment which is what our Trail Team 10 program is. And so my goal is that by June we will have mapped out what that looks like. Got enough feedback about it we can launch a beta membership for founding CEOs. And it's a lot of work you know and I'm a little bit cautious about bringing it up but I figured if I don't talk about it, if I don't share it with you then you know and so I wouldn't be practice what I preach. But that's our big, as Collins says, are our big hairy audacious goal is to kind of create that membership platform and program that can really serve our audience of founders around the world in a different way so that they can really take advantage of democratizing what we call executive coaching for leaders who are growing fast and help them grow faster because businesses are just crazy now and they're growing faster than ever before but our ability to grow as a leader at the same speed is lagging in a membership platform where people can get what they need without having a long term commitment and a larger price point is something I'm really passionate about. KG: While I look forward to hearing from you in June about how successful you were. TU: Yes, holding me accountable. KG: Just like you said. Todd, do you want to tell us where we can listen to your podcast or check out anything else about from Founder to CEO? TU: Absolutely. We invite you all to check us out at FromFoundertoCEO.com. We are on Spotify. Super excited couple weeks ago Spotify invited us to come on their platform. We're on iTunes or on Google Play. You can pretty much find the podcast on any service that you use to listen to podcasts and I'm also probably more active on LinkedIn than any other social media platform. So feel free to connect with me on LinkedIn and if I can help out in some way I'm happy to do so. KG: Awesome. Well thank you so much for taking the time to talk to us today, Todd. We really appreciate it. TU: It's my pleasure Kristen you take care. Thanks for the opportunity. KG: Thank you. CK: This podcast is produced by me. Cindy Kuzma. And it's another thing that's better with friends. So please share it with yours. You can subscribe whereever you get your podcasts. Hey while you're at it please leave us a rating or review. Special thanks to J. Mano for our theme music and our guest this week, Todd Uterstaedt.
#90 - How to Change the World with E. Jag Beckford Jenn T Grace: You are listening to the Personal Branding for the LGBTQ Professional Podcast, episode 90. Introduction: Welcome to the Personal Branding for the LGBTQ Professional Podcast; the podcast dedicated to helping LGBTQ professionals and business owners grow their business and careers through the power of leveraging their LGBTQ identities in their personal brand. You'll learn how to market your products and services both broadly, and within the LGBTQ community. You'll hear from incredible guests who are leveraging the power of their identity for good, as well as those who haven't yet started, and everyone in between. And now your host. She teaches straight people how to market to gay people, and gay people how to market themselves. Your professional lesbian, Jenn - with two N's - T Grace. Jenn T Grace: Well hello and welcome to episode 90 of the Personal Branding for the LGBTQ Professional Podcast. I am your host, Jenn Grace, and again I have another interview for you. So we are definitely on a roll full steam ahead with a lot of interviews over the last couple of months, and I just keep getting the opportunity to connect with awesome and interesting people, and if you're listening to this and you think that you would be a good guest on the show, please feel free to reach out at any time. If you go to www.JennTGrace.com and go through the Contact Us page, you can certainly send us a note through there. So we have another interview today as I just mentioned, and Jag Beckford- so E. Jag Beckford is a guest that was recommended to me from Mona Elyafi who was a podcast guest herself quite some time ago, and she is a PR agent and she works with a lot of LGBT clientele. So it's been really amazing to get Mona sending me more people that are really interesting to talk to. So today we're talking to Jag, and their business is Rainbow Fashion Week as well as Jag & Co. And those are two businesses; one being a fashion week that happens in New York City every June for Pride, and also a clothing line. So on today's show we talk a lot about just how the evolution of going from an entertainment attorney into launching a fashion line, and launching Rainbow Fashion Week, and all that great stuff. You will note that this is airing and we're in August, and we were making references to Rainbow Fashion Week coming up because we did record this in the beginning of June. So if you're listening to this now, you have already missed this year's Rainbow Fashion Week, however it will be going into its fourth year next year, so I would highly, highly recommend getting on Jag's radar now while you can, so that way you can keep up to date with all the stuff that's going on. But I highly recommend just staying tuned, and listening to Jag's story because it's really interesting, and the incredible amount of purpose-driven and mission-driven nature of this business is incredible. The goal of Rainbow Fashion Week and Jag & Co. are really to make us a more sustainable planet, which is pretty cool to see that kind of weaved in through LGBT. So it's going to be great, I assure you of this. So if you want to get links that were mentioned in today's episode, if you go to www.JennTGrace.com/90 that is for episode 90, you can get access to the transcript, and the stuff that we talked about in today's episode. And without further ado, here is my interview with Jag. So this podcast is the Personal Branding for the LGBTQ Professional Podcast, and I think that's why Mona thought it would be great for us to connect. So today I would love if you can start off by giving the listeners kind of a broad overview of who you are and what you do, and then my method is to just start asking you questions based on what you said to just kind of talk about your brand, and what you do, and how you're putting yourself out there to the world. Jaguar Beckford: No problem. Okay so my name is E. Jaguar Beckford. I am the Executive Producer of an annual event in New York called Rainbow Fashion Week. I'm also the CEO of Jaguar & Company Clothier, short Jag & Co. which is pretty much what it's known by. I just design clothing for more gender fluid women, women who are more male identified, but gender fluid women because pretty much it's about everyone enjoys wearing clothing that fits well, looks well, et cetera. And my background is I've been an entertainment attorney for about fifteen years, but ironically I put myself through law school designing clothing, so it's not a far stretch. So that's pretty much who I am, and hopefully we'll have an opportunity to tell you a little bit more about Rainbow Fashion Week, which is coming up in two weeks. Jenn T Grace: Yeah, that's what I was going to ask you. In looking at your bio, and seeing that you came from an entertainment attorney background, and then now you have Rainbow Fashion Week; how did that idea hit you that this was something you should do, and can you just give kind of a broad overview of what Rainbow Fashion Week is, how many people come, what the purpose is, and all those great details? Jaguar Beckford: Okay so it wasn't a great leap or far at all to go from the entertainment business into the fashion business. One, as I previously stated that I actually designed throughout law school, so I designed jeans, tee shirts, I made clothing, and I sold them in my off time from school. Rainbow Fashion Week was actually conceptualized probably a couple weeks after I launched Jag & Co. And I just recall when rolling out to take my final vow to- when the designer goes out and everything, I said, 'Wow you know-' in that moment it's just so clear. In that moment I realized that fashion events are not just about the designer, but are more about all of the creative talents that come together to make the designer's vision- to bring it into fruition. And I said wouldn't the audience love to see the art of fashion, and not just what a designer put on the runway, but more the artistry of hair, makeup, and style. And so in that moment I was committed to say, 'I'd like to see an event where people can come and enjoy the artistry or the art of fashion as we call it. So it was conceptualized in 2013, and we got so many ways that we connected to our audiences; we did live streaming, casting, and so we reached over 20,000 viewers, attendees. We had about- I would say, I think our first year we had about maybe almost a million impressions just because social media was really buzzing about what was going on in this new type of fashion event. And so you know, we were just very committed to give new designers and existing designers, makeup artists, stylists a platform to be able to show the artistry of what they do. And so that's more of what Rainbow Fashion Week is really about. It's about the art of fashion. Jenn T Grace: That's awesome. And now is there anything in terms of just the fashion industry more broadly, other types of events that are doing it the way you're doing it? Or is this kind of a completely new take on things? Jaguar Beckford: We actually want to change how fashion is presented to the public. So the reason I say it that way, if you think about it, someone decided that women should wear high heels. Someone decided that women should put on rouge and makeup on their face. But men don't do it. Men don't wake up in the morning and say, "Oh I have to put on stockings, and I have to wear high heels," et cetera, so if we really look at what the fashion industry has become, you know it was a male-dominated industry and pretty much we had designers putting things on women primarily because the women models were who really drove the fashion industry. So we had very, very creative souls who decided, 'Well I'm going to create this fantastic so-and-so to put on this model's head, these amazing shoes to put on this model that they could barely walk in,' and so it was pretty much a very male-dominated society that was dressing us, almost like dolls. And it kind of just moved us over into how women were supposed to dress, and what they were supposed to wear, and so on and so forth. So if you actually look back in time, you'll see when women finally said, 'Hey, why do I have to dress like that? How come I can't wear a man's suit? Or come I can't wear a man's suit that's tailored? That can look just as good and I can look as sexy.' So it took someone to break that mold and to say, 'You know, I don't want to conform to that.' And so when I looked at the fashion industry I said, 'Well why do we have to conform? Why do we have continue to have size zero to two models walk the runway when they're not part of our average taking on a daily basis?' I don't see size zero to two people on an average day. I don't go into a department store and says, 'Wow I want to wear that outfit because I want to look just like that person that I saw in Vogue magazine.' It just wasn't reflective of who I was, and who I knew our community was as a whole. And so I said to my team members, I said, "Guys, you know we have an opportunity to change the standard for the norms of what fashion events are. We can make this more fashion expose. We can make them more about fashion and experiences, and have people actually leave still getting the sense of what a runway show is, but at the same time have a total different type of presentation." And so that's where we came up with our commitment to Rainbow Fashion Week was. Jenn T Grace: That sounds amazing. So where in this timeline did you launch Jag & Co.? So your actual clothing line? Where did that happen? Jaguar Beckford: Jag & Co. was launched in 2013. And it was so funny because I actually said- I was like, "Wow I'm going to actually take a hit with Jag & Co. not really being able to brand and develop and put things into production in the window that I would want. You know we got very great, and we've had continued success coming at us before. Surprisingly people love Jag & Co. We get standing ovations at shows, people love our products, we do one-of-a-kind types of suspenders, and ties that we make from craft items, so that's kind of a way of repurposing and things like that. So technically ideas came in where we said, 'We don't have to always go out and buy new rolls of fabric. We can look at some of the existing things and say well why can't we create beautiful things from these products as well that people would love and enjoy?' So Jag & Co. took a step back in 2013 to really go out in full production. And I said that we would have our natural evolution through Rainbow Fashion Week, and so I have a day which is called the Haus of Jag & Co. This year it's June 18th which happens to be my birthday, it just kind of happened that way, and our theme this year is transition. From the time that I launched Jag & Co. I can say approximately nine to ten of my mottos have transition. And I've just been there fully supporting them, I always have very kind words because I've noticed that the community tends to begin to shun them, and their language begins to change as it relates to, 'Well how do I now speak to this person?' The same person that you knew and loved and that you embraced in the Facebook group, now all of a sudden your words are harsh because you don't understand why the new posts of someone who just had their surgery, why that's important to them to be able to present that to their community. And so I decided to do a show that pretty much honored what their struggles have been, and that's the other thing that's different about Rainbow Fashion Week. We have themed events with social responsibility causes that we tie into our shows. Not just a name and a pamphlet, but we actually tie them into the show thematically as we present it to the audience. So this is a whole other way of how we can present a plethora of things to an audience once we have their attention. Jenn T Grace: Wow that's incredible to have such a social good component to things, and I obviously don't have to tell you this but you were just saying how a lot of times people within our own community get ostracized, and the fact that you're finding a way to embrace their transitions, I feel like is such an incredible gift that you're providing to not just the models that you're working with but to the community at large. Jaguar Beckford: Yeah and what motivates me is I receive letters from people all over the world. And when I say 'all over the world' I mean all over the world. Jenn T Grace: That's awesome. Jaguar Beckford: I received notices this year from a young lady who was in a play called 'The Little Prince' in the UK, and she just reached out and she said, "Oh my God, I love what Rainbow Fashion Week is about. I would love to be able to walk in something like it." One, the person didn't see the day would be able to do something like that because you know we have Eight Days of Queer so it's not just like one event that happens one time, and you can't get there during a specific day of the week, so on and so forth, so it just gives people more opportunities to plan to come. But just the mere fact that we would be accepting that she's 5'2" and last year I did an event at the Brooklyn Museum and my shortest model was 4'11". After just training her how to walk and show her the type of confidence I wanted her and what she was wearing to present Jag & Co., she killed it. I mean 4'11". And so we wanted people to see that it's not about your size because that person has to go out and shop for things just as the 5'11" 5'10" model that's a size zero has to as well. And I received another email from a police officer in Camden, New Jersey. She's actually going to be in my show this year. And she said, "Jag, I'm in my thirties," she said, "I feel like I'm in my best body, my best frame of mind." She was like, "I would just love to walk in your show." And you know, everybody can't walk in my show but it was her story; her story motivated me about what was going on in her life. And just to be able to give someone like that an opportunity to do that is all of what Rainbow Fashion Week is about. Another came from a woman in Norway, her name is Siri, and same thing. She was like, "I will come to the United States just for an opportunity to have this experience." And you know, that's pretty much what it is. We want to be able to just show people that you, the average person, have a right to hit a runway. And so we try to actually create shows and experiences for all of our community. So we have a pet show- Rainbow Pet Fashion Show, our social cause this year is dog waste composting. And people are like, "Jag isn't that a stretch?" I said, "Why should it be a stretch? We have an audience, we have an opportunity in having our pet lovers within our queer community to be able to help us, help the city of New York, clean up the city. Why not take advantage of it?" And so that's what we kind of look out; how can we take advantage of utilizing our audience and our voice and having accomplished. And that's what's important to us, so that's what's different about Rainbow Fashion Week and that's why our tagline is 'Not your average fashion week.' Jenn T Grace: Yeah I feel like the way that you're incorporating such an inclusive message seems to be so obvious. Like so as you were talking I opened up your website, www.JagAndCo.com for anyone who wants to go check it out, and just looking at the different gender expressions of everybody that you're using for models who are modeling your clothing line, I feel like it's incredible because I feel like anybody who goes there and is looking, they're going to find somebody that they resonate with that they're not used to seeing as a model for clothing. Jaguar Beckford: Right, exactly. Jenn T Grace: So in terms of how the clothing side works, are you manufacturing all of that stuff yourself? And is it any type of on demand, or do you have to purchase a lot of stuff in advance? Is it tailored? How does all that work? Jaguar Beckford: For Jag and Co. specifically? Jenn T Grace: Yeah. Jaguar Beckford: For Jag and Co. products we purchase our materials, we have our patterns, and we kind of make maybe two pieces of a kind. We're not in production so a lot of times it may be one piece that's for show just to get an idea. We're still feeling through what it is that we think people want. It's so funny because in 2013 I came out with the paperboy and that came from my grandfather. So you know I had like an old black and white picture, and I just fell in love with the forties and fifties style, and I said wouldn't it be great that we could present this style to our young and older aggressive females and show them very hip, swanky and sophisticated. And the reason I say swanky is because I'll tell this to bring the craziest socks. I don't care if it's Mickey Mouse or whatever, and I said, "I'm going to show you how to dress up and dress down." And so sometimes we create pieces just for the runway because we're still trying to get a sense of what it is that our market is looking for. We're actually going to be going into production soon which we're going to be doing a crowd on a campaign and it's basically going to be a suit that takes you from casual play to formal. And so yeah, that's pretty much what our next step is going to. We were looking for a place to do our production and we had an opportunity to work with a goodwill ambassador in Honduras and she has been over there doing textile study and she said, "While this would be a great opportunity, I think we can actually get a space for you guys." She's actually found a 20,000 foot- it's a raw space and I said, "Yeah but how do we get things going there?" And she said, "Well the mayor is willing to give you guys a space." And so I decided that through Rainbow Fashion Dream Academy, we would- which we will be launching this year as well, we are going to start their first Women's Economic Empowerment Program. So technically it sounds like a lot but it really isn't. We're committing sewing machines, solar generator, and sewing kits, and so we're going to start the women off on their own small businesses. And then they'll be back into the system to start the next. And we're actually going to create a consortium of producers producing our production, not just for Jag & Co. but for some of these new designers who are coming through Rainbow Fashion Week. And so the Dream Academy is going to give some of these makeup people, designers an opportunity to go to Honduras and see what it's like starting a production, and we'll pretty much be starting everything raw. So they'll be building, they'll be donating their time, they'll be sitting down with seamstresses, and so on and so forth, and that's a new venture but that's how we're going to take Jag & Co. as well as some of our other designers into production and some of the others that are coming through Rainbow Fashion Week, we say, "If you give us a certain number of hours we will open other opportunities and doors for you globally." We've also been invited to come to Nepal to do a Rainbow Fashion Week event. We've also been invited to Johannesburg, South Africa. So there are other opportunities for the people who work within the Rainbow Fashion Week team, because we're building a team, we probably have now about sixty or so team members on various productions for each show. And so now we want them to be able to grow with us, and now seek other opportunities that they never even had within the fashion world as it exists here because the existing fashion world and present model is very elitist so the average person can't just walk in and explore the opportunities that exist. So yeah we have a model and we really try to build on this model, and we're trying to show people that the old model is not the way. We need to work towards a new model that includes our community in greater perspective. Jenn T Grace: Wow, your mission and purpose in life, and everything that you do seems so incredibly huge and so powerful and impactful. And I know that we are running up against you having another interview right after this, but to kind of close us out if you were to think what Rainbow Fashion Week is going to look like in five years, or what Jag & Co. or just your brand as yourself will look like in five years, what do you think that's going to be? What is your vision for five years from now? Jaguar Beckford: Our vision for five years is we will have set the standard for the new fashion week from the standpoint of what our social responsibility is globally, what it is we're doing to our planet. We will have set the standard that more brain trust attention goes into the planning of an event. I just finished doing an article and I said we're David up against the Goliath of the fashion industry. So I know that we're going to make a lot of change within the industry, I know that we're going to catch the attention. A lot of the big corporate giants that are going to want to become a part of and reach our audience from a variety of perspectives. So I know that we are going to create the new model for fashion. I strongly feel that, most of the people that work with us, they strongly feel it as well. We are going to cause the fashion industry to take a look at how they produce these events, how wasteful they are, the products that they purchase, how they purchase them, how they're disposed. So from the standpoint of being a solar- the first solar neutral event, we are going to attempt to reduce our carbon footprint by at least one third, just in energy- electric energy consumption alone. And some people said, "Why is this large fashion event sold out and sets up tents where you have all of the sun, and no one is sourcing solar energy? Why are they using nine, ten, eleven, twelve thousand diesel fuel generators, noise pollution, carbon pollution? So we know that we're going to begin to shape this industry. And it's not from the standpoint that we're something that's- we just want people to stand up and pay attention, and we think that we are going to be the organization that is just going to have people stop and re-evaluate when they're doing a production, how to do a production that reduces our carbon footprints because truly our planet matters, and everything that we're doing we want to consider what that means. Jenn T Grace: Wow, such an incredible mission. Thank you so much for taking the time to connect with me today. For anyone who wants to get in touch with you, how would you recommend that they do that? Jaguar Beckford: Well you can send us information on our website, www.RainbowFashionWeek.com. There's a contact form and it comes straight through to info@rainbowfashionweek.com. They can also go to our website. And Jag & Co. you can probably reach me, JagAndCo, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, you can find me on any of those and inbox me. I always try to respond to everyone no matter how busy I am. So definitely thank you for your time, and I appreciate you guys helping us get this message out as well. Jenn T Grace: Absolutely. Thank you so much and have a great day. Appreciate it. Jaguar Beckford: Thank you, bye bye. Jenn T Grace: Bye bye. Thank you for listening to today's podcast. If there are any links from today's show that you are interested in finding, save yourself a step and head on over to www.JennTGrace.com/thepodcast. And there you will find a backlog of all of the past podcast episodes including transcripts, links to articles, reviews, books, you name it. It is all there on the website for your convenience. Additionally if you would like to get in touch with me for any reason, you can head on over to the website and click the contact form, send me a message, you can find me on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter all at JennTGrace. And as always I really appreciate you as a listener, and I highly encourage you to reach out to me whenever you can. Have a great one, and I will talk to you in the next episode.
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