Podcasts about change triangle

Today we are joined by psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel for a deep dive into AEDP (Accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy).  Hilary recounts her transformative journey of discovering AEDP and the profound impact it had on her practice. Through captivating storytelling and heartfelt insights, she illuminates the power of this therapeutic approach to facilitate lasting change and personal growth. In this podcast, Hilary emphasizes the importance of embracing our emotions fully and fearlessly. She guides us through the process of understanding how suppressing or avoiding emotions can hinder our overall well-being and limit our capacity for genuine connections. By encouraging listeners to explore the depths of their emotional world, Hilary empowers us to embark on a journey of self-discovery and emotional liberation. ==== 0:00 Intro 4:10 An Intro to Psychodynamics 8:56 Facing the Unconscious with Strength  10:16 Hilary's Story of Becoming a Psychotherapist  14:26 AEDP: How Emotions Work in Our Mind & Body  17:27 Getting Out of the Head and Into the Feelings 20:18 The Change Triangle & Core Emotions 32:22 Working Through a Core Emotion 38:58 The Basics of Emotion Education  44:37 Understanding Emotional Control 48:39 Parenting as a Therapist 58:08 What Hilary Learned from her Mother 1:00:40 Conclusion  ==== Hilary Jacobs Hendel is author of the international award-winning book, “It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self” (Random House & Penguin UK). She received her B.A. in biochemistry from Wesleyan University and an MSW from Fordham University. She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times, Time, NBC Think, FOX News and Oprah, and her blog is read worldwide. You can find free resources, classes, webinars, and curricula on emotions and the Change Triangle tool for emotional health at hilaryjacobshendel.com and follow her work on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn and YouTube. Hilary's Website: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/ The Change Triangle: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/print-the-change-triangle ==== Connect with Dr. Drew Ramsey: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drewramseymd/ Website: https://drewramseymd.com

Episode 49: In this episode, host Angie Gust talks about the Change triangle.  Psychotherapist Hillary Jacobs Hendel says that the Change Triangle is a map and wellness tool to help you shift from a place of disconnection and/or distress back to calm, clarity, and peace of mind.  The three corners of the Change Triangle are 1) defenses, 2) inhibitory emotions like shame, guilt and anxiety and 3) cores emotions like joy, anger, and disgust. Underneath the triangle are the good emotions that she says we all want to experience: being calm, curious, connected, compassionate, confident, courageous and clear-minded. Turning to the environment, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) headline statement of its summary for policymakers in March 2023  declared that the world already has too many fossil fuels in production to limit global warming to the relatively safe level of 1.5 degrees Celsius. The global body of scientists said, “Projected CO2 emissions from existing fossil-fuel infrastructure without additional abatement would exceed the remaining carbon budget for 1.5°C.” This finding isn't new, but saying the quiet part out loud is new. Let's use the influence we have to make sure everyone knows this is a crisis and doing something to move the greenhouse gas reduction efforts forward fast is paramount. Antonio Guterres, Secretary General of the United Nations, called on all countries to “massively fast-track climate efforts” and, specifically, for rich countries to hit “the fast-forward button” on commitments to reach net-zero – which means removing as much plant-heating pollution from the atmosphere as they emit." References Chang, J. 2008 The Role of Anonymity in Deindividuated Behavior: A Comparison of Deindividuation Theory and the Social Identity Model of Deindividuation Effects. Undergraduate J of Baylor University. https://www.baylor.edu/pulse/doc.php/77099.pdf Elbeshbishi, S. Mar 15, 2023. Biden approved Willow project: What to know about the move to allow drilling in Alaska. USA Today. Hendel, HJ. What is the change triangle? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotion-information/201907/what-is-the-change-triangle Hendel, HJ. Defenses and the change triangle tool.   https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/common-ways-to-avoid-emotions Wallis-Well, D. Mar 8, 2023. Clean energy is less polarizing than you think. G.O.P. elites are simply lagging behind their states. NY Times.              

Emotions can be like a peaceful pond, or a raging river.  When we let our feelings be felt, they flow past so that we can freely experience what is coming next. And even knowing that, it can still feel overwhelmingly difficult to give space to painful emotions and not try to deny them or brush them away. Today we'll explore some tools and perspectives to help emotions feel more manageable. In this episode I discuss If any emotions are actually “bad” Why we avoid certain emotions, and how that becomes a habit What Core Emotions are The important messages that emotions deliver Rating emotions by intensity and pleasantness How emotions are like tunnels Using the Change Triangle to recognize your authentic feelingsCultivating emotions that you want to experience more oftenUsing Bach Flower Essences to feel more emotionally balanced If this episode brings up questions, or you want to explore how I can help you feel more emotionally balanced and empowered, book a short, free call with me to have a conversation. Find more resources, share your experience in feeling your spectrum of emotions, or share which chart is your favorite in the comments at happifiedlife.com or join the conversation in the Live With Less Stress facebook group.

Win The House You Love - Kyle Seagraves - Founder and Certified Mortgage Advisor [Mortgage Experience]Kyle talks about:- How creating 1,000 videos a year improved the Customer Experience- Why this removed the unknowns and what-ifs- Why it's important to disrupt the flow of information when educating customersThe book that has influenced Kyle the most in the past year:  It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self by Hillary Jacobs Hendel: https://amzn.to/3BDsiHt His note to all CX professionals:“Take a 10 minute break in silence. People are so used to doing the next thing, and overcoming problems and not having a lot of time to sit and allow them to hear what our body is telling us. A lot of wisdom happens in the silence...”Transcript: https://press1fornick.com/win-the-house-you-loveABOUT NICK GLIMSDAHLSubscribe to my bi-monthly newsletterFind Press 1 For Nick on YouTubeFind me on TwitterFind me on LinkedInLISTENER SUPPORTPurchase Nick's books: Reasons NOT to Focus on Employee Experience: A Comprehensive GuideApparel: https://www.teepublic.com/user/press-1-for-nick Support this show through Buy Me A CoffeeBOOK RECOMMENDATIONS:Learn about all the guests' book recommendations here: https://press1fornick.com/books/ BROUGHT TO YOU BY:VDS: They are a client-first consulting firm focused on strategy, business outcomes, and technology. They provide holistic consulting services to optimize your customer contact center, inspiring and designing transformational change to modernize and prepare your business for the future. Learn more: https://www.govds.com/ This podcast is under the umbrella of CX of M Radio: https://cxofm.org/Podcast-Shows/ SPONSORING OPPORTUNITIES:Interested in partnering with the Press 1 For Nick podcast? Click here: https://press1fornick.com/lets-talk/ 

“Emotions” like anxiety and depression are often cover emotions for deeper emotions like grief and anger – and working through our resistance to these emotions so we can arrive at our “core” emotions can help us access our calm, compassionate self. In this episode, I bring on emotions educator Hilary Jacobs Hendel, author of “It's Not Always Depression,” to give you tangible tools for working through anxiety and depression to have a richer emotional experience.   Some extra resources: Why Can't I Shut Off My Mind? https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/post/2018/03/03/why-can-t-i-shut-off-my-mind It's Not Always Depression, Sometimes It's Shame (NYT OpEd): https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/its-not-always-depression-sometimes-its- It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect With Your Authentic Self (Random House & Penguin UK): https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Always-Depression-Authentic/dp/0399588140/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3UXPWILNH27FU&keywords=its+not+always+depression+by+hilary+jacobs+hendel&qid=1673190622&sprefix=%2Caps%2C151&sr=8-1 Print out the Change Triangle: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/print-the-change-triangle Facilitate Emotions Education 101 Classes with the Emotions Education 101 Turnkey Curriculum: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/ee101-train-the-trainer-course

It seems odd that most therapists – us included – aren't 100% certain about what constitutes an intervention. Are interventions scripted in-session activities? What about the theoretical orientations themselves? There isn't one single answer, but interventions aren't that difficult to understand if you zoom out far enough…and get a little bit of help from ChatGPT.   Thank you for listening. To support the show and receive access to regular bonus episodes, check out the Very Bad Therapy Patreon community. Today's episode is sponsored by Sentio Counseling Center – high-quality, low-fee online therapy in California with immediate availability for new couples and individual clients.   Very Bad Therapy: Website / Facebook / Bookshelf / Tell Us Your Story   Show Notes: ChatGPT Effective Psychotherapists: Clinical Skills That Improve Client Outcomes Types of interventions (NIH) Types of Interventions in Counseling The Complete Set of Client Handouts and Worksheets from ACT books Essential Techniques for the Beginning Psychodynamic Psychotherapist Commonly-Used Intervention Words for Mental Health Progress Notes Therapy Interventions Cheat Sheet What is the Change Triangle? Affect Phobia Therapy

Sherry and Carla get in the Halloween mood with some spooky spider trivia, and then take a Love Fix question from a listener that needs help learning to not always put their partner on a pedestal. They then welcome Hilary Jacobs Hendel, Psychotherapist, Emotion Educator, and author of the award winning book, It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle To Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self. Hilary talks about what the Change Triangle is, our 7 core emotions, and how to spot healthy vs. unhealthy conflict.    Connect with Us! The Love Fix | @thelovefixpodcast Get 1:1 Dating & Relationship Coaching  The Love Fix Relationship Quiz   Sherry Website | Sign up for your FREE strategy call for life coaching/psychotherapy with Sherry Sherry Gaba | Psychotherapist, Life Coach & Author | Join Sherry's Inner Circle for healing from Narcissistic Abuse, Codependency, and Love Addiction -($1 trial or 1/2 off 6 months free)     Carla Website | Instagram | Facebook | Contagious Love | Online Dating Bootcamp   Hilary  Website | YouTube | It's Not Always Depression    Sign up to be in TDR database: https://www.threedayrule.com/CarlaRomo   Today's episode is sponsored by Carla's book Contagious Love: Break Free from Codependency for Damn Good and Sherry's book Love Smacked: How To Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency To Find Everlasting Love.   Thanks to Contagious Love and Love Smacked for sponsoring this episode.   What You'll Hear In This Episode:   Hilary discusses the 7 core emotions, and why they are each important.  The need for us to practice slowing down and really listen to each other.  99% of fights are miscommunications.  What is The Change Triangle?  We all have some level of dysfunction, but some people's trauma can be more debilitating than others.  Should you add that it's important for your partner to go to therapy in your dating profile?  How we can learn to have healthy conflict. Join Hilary's community, and get a monthly post with emotional wisdom, along with how to work with Sherry and Carla on overcoming codependency, dating, break-ups, healing from toxic relationships, and gaining confidence.   Disclaimer: The Love Fix Podcast content has been made available for informational, entertainment, and educational purposes only. The Love Fix Podcast is distinctly different from coaching, counseling, psychotherapy, or psychoanalysis and does not deal with the diagnosis or treatment of emotional problems. The Love Fix podcast does not constitute medical consultation or treatment, health insurance does not apply.

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, received her BA in biochemistry from Wesleyan University, a DDS from Columbia, and an MSW from Fordham University. She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She is also the co-developed of the Emotions Education 101 Turnkey Curriculum and Emotions Education 101 8-week class on Zoom. Hilary is passionate about taking the complex world of emotions and making them easy to understand and work with for greater peace, calm and confidence. She is the developer of the Change Triangle tool for emotional health. She is also the author of the award-winning self-help book on emotions called, "It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self" (Random House & Penguin UK). She has published articles in The New York Times, TIME, Oprah, Salon, and professional journals. Hilary's blog on emotions and how to use them for wellbeing is read worldwide.In This EpisodeFor more FREE resources on emotions and emotional health, visit Hilary's website at Hilaryjacobshendel.com.Hilary on FacebookHilary on TwitterHilary on InstagramThe Change Triangle Youtube Channelhttps://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/emotions-education-101Order It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self (Random House, 2018)This show is part of the Spreaker Prime Network, if you are interested in advertising on this podcast, contact us at https://www.spreaker.com/show/5739761/advertisement

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, received her BA in biochemistry from Wesleyan University, a DDS from Columbia, and an MSW from Fordham University. She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She is also the co-developed of the Emotions Education 101 Turnkey Curriculum and Emotions Education 101 8-week class on Zoom. Hilary is passionate about taking the complex world of emotions and making them easy to understand and work with for greater peace, calm and confidence. She is the developer of the Change Triangle tool for emotional health. She is also the author of the award-winning self-help book on emotions called, "It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self" (Random House & Penguin UK). She has published articles in The New York Times, TIME, Oprah, Salon, and professional journals. Hilary's blog on emotions and how to use them for wellbeing is read worldwide.In This EpisodeFor more FREE resources on emotions and emotional health, visit Hilary's website at Hilaryjacobshendel.com.Hilary on FacebookHilary on TwitterHilary on InstagramThe Change Triangle Youtube Channelhttps://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/emotions-education-101Order It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self (Random House, 2018)This show is part of the Spreaker Prime Network, if you are interested in advertising on this podcast, contact us at https://www.spreaker.com/show/5739761/advertisement

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/raleigh/comm... Change Triangle: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/wh... — GET STARTED —

Welcome to the #SPAITGIRL Talk Show with Yvette Le Blowitz EP.155 - It's Not Always Depression with Hilary Jacobs Hendel  Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions and Connect To Your Authentic Self  Hilary Jacobs Hendel is a Certified Psychotherapist and the author of It's Not Always Depression. Her goal is to educate people on the benefits of understanding what emotions really are and how they affect our mind, brain and body. We live in a culture that values thoughts and logic over emotions. But science has proven it is not healthy to tune out our emotions and we do not have to choose between our thoughts and our emotions. We can become aware of both and understand how thoughts and emotions work together to help us feel better or feel worse depending on how we work with them. Emotions are very unique in their potential to cause traumatic stress and everyday distress. But what most people do not know, because we were never taught this in school, is that emotions are the doorway to healing our anxieties, depression, low self-esteem, and other mental health symptoms. Working with our emotions in very specific ways, which is what the Change Triangle tool for emotional health is all about, as it help us to manage daily life with more ease and helps us meet the challenges of our relationships. We were all taught that our thoughts affect our emotions, but in truth it is largely the other way around: we have to experience our emotions to truly understand our thoughts, and our full selves. This is why we should think not only about cognitive behavioural therapy or medication, but also about our emotions, when addressing psychological suffering. In It's Not Always Depression, pioneering psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel reveals the most effective techniques for putting us back in touch with the emotions we too often deny methods which can be used by anyone, any time, any where. Drawing on stories for her own practice, she sheds light on the core emotions (such as joy, sadness and fear), defences (anything we do to avoid feeling) and inhibitory emotions (anxiety, shame and guilt), and how understanding their interaction can help us return to mental well-being and be more calm, curious and connected. Yvette Le Blowitz Podcast Host sits down with Hilary Jacobs Hendel to find out what emotions really and how they affect our mind, body and brain. In Podcast Episode 155  Hilary Jacobs Hendel shares: - a little bit about himself - how is Author journey unfolded - insights into her book It's Not Always Depression - what emotions are - how thoughts and emotions work - how to become aware of our thoughts and emotions - what The Change Triangle tool for emotional health is - how to listen to the body - how to discover core emotions - how to connect to your authentic self - how to overcome anxiety and depression through a shift of mind - how to become self-aware  - how to build a better relationship with our selves and others - why it's important to slow down especially when it comes to our emotions and anxiety.  - some of her self-care rituals Plus we talk about so much more of course  Get Ready to TUNE IN  Episode 155 - #spaitgirl talk show with Yvette Le Blowitz  available on Apple, Spotify, Google, Audible, Libysn - all podcast apps search for #spaitgirl on any podcast app or on google  -------- Available to watch on Youtube Channel - Spa it Girl or Yvette Le Blowitz Press the Play Button Below and subscribe ------ JOIN OUR #SPAITGIRL BOOK CLUB Buy a copy of It's Not Alway Depression by Hilary Jacobs Hendel search via Booktopia our affiliated online book store  *click here Hashtag #spaitgirlbookclub //#spaitgirl + tag @spaitgirl - when reading your book  --- STAY IN TOUCH   Podcast Guest Hilary Jacobs Hendel  Certified Psychotherapist Author of It's Not Always Depression Website: www.hilaryjacobshendel.com Instagram @hilaryjacobshendel.com ------ Podcast Host  Yvette Le Blowitz  Instagram @yvetteleblowitz Website www.yvetteleblowitz.com ------- Become a Podcast Show Sponsor #SPAITGIRL  www.spaitgirl.com Email: info@spaitgirl.com with your proposal -- JOIN OUR #SPAITGIRL Community  Follow on Instagram: @spaitgirl Sign Up to our Mailing List: www.spaitgirl.com Search for #spaitgirl on any podcast app, youtube and subscribe  ------- HOW TO SUPPORT The #SPAITGIRL Podcast Show  Practice a Little Random Act of Kindness  - subscribe to the #spaitgirl podcast show on any podcast app  - leave a 5* rating and review  - tell someone about the #spaitgirl podcast show - share your favourite episode - tag @spaitgirl in your stories - hashtag #spaitgirl to share the show &  Together "Let's Feel Good From Within" and #makefeelinggoodgoviral ---- Please note - Affiliated Links included in this spaitgirl.com blog post includes affiliated links with Amazon.com and booktopia.com.au- should you order any books from Amazon.com or Booktopia.com.au via the links contained in this blog post spaitgirl.com will receive a small paid commission fee from the online book stores.  Please note - The information in this podcast is a general conversation between the podcast host and podcast guest and is not intended to replace professional medical advice and should not be considered a substitute for medical treatment or advice from a mental health professional.  Use of any of the material in this podcast show is always at the listeners discretion.   The podcast host and guest accept no liability arising directly or indirectly from use or misuse of any of the information contained in this podcast show and podcast episode conversation, or any trauma triggered or associated with it. If you are experiencing depression, mental illness, any health concerns please seek medical professional help immediately.  #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthpodcast #selfhelp #selfhelpbooks #selfhelpbook #selfhelpauthor #selfhelppodcast #anxietyrelief #anxietyawareness #anxiety #depression #depressionawareness #selfcare #selfcaretips #selfawareness #selfcompassion #selflove #trauma #healing #emotions #emotionalwellbeing #wellbeing #emotionalhealing #selflove #book #books #bookclub #bookpodcast #author #psychology  #feelgood #mentalhealthtips #mentalwellbeing 

One of the best things about doing this podcast for the past seven years has been how our guests have shaped nearly every aspect of my life and the lives of my family. Over the years my wife Julie and I have built an ancestral lifestyle we believe to be most conducive to health, connection, and longevity, largely influenced by the brilliant guests we've interviewed right here. The process has been nothing short of an adventure, and it continues to unfold. On this podcast, I'm joined by my wife, food scientist Julie Kelly to talk about how we've taken everything we've learned about health, wellness, and ancestral living to create a home life that truly supports and sustains our family. We talk about how we eat, prepare meals, and educate our kids and changes we've made over the years. Julie shares the immense value she's derived from a very specific type of psychotherapy, and we discuss how our practice of managing stress has evolved. We also give an update on our adventures in cohousing, and the number one factor that we've learned will make or break cohousing relationships. Here's the outline of this interview with Julie Kelly: ​​[00:00:17] Ayla is 6 months old; the birth experience. [00:02:21] Podcasts with Lily Nichols, RDN: How to Optimise Nutrition for Pregnancy and Real Food for Gestational Diabetes with Lily Nichols. [00:03:13] How our eating has evolved over time. [00:04:04] Podcast: How We Really Burn Calories, Lose Weight, and Stay Healthy, with Herman Pontzer, PhD. [00:04:22] Meal prep and shopping. Our eBook: What We Eat. [00:07:14] Justin Sonnenberg. [00:07:37] Lucy Mailing, PhD; Podcasts: 1. How to Optimise Your Gut Microbiome, 2. Microbiome Myths and Misconceptions, 3. Rewilding the Gut: Restoring Ancestral Diversity to the Microbiome. [00:09:17] Simon Marshall's Stress Audit; Podcast: How to Manage Stress. [00:11:31] Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP); Podcast: Healing and Transformation with Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), with Jason Connell. Learn more about working with Jason. [00:16:27] Book: It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self, by Hilary Jacobs Hendel. [00:18:33] Forest School. [00:21:58] Book: Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life, by Peter Gray; Podcast: Free to Learn: Unleashing the Instinct to Play, with Peter Gray, PhD. [00:22:36] Books: The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children, and The Scientist In The Crib: Minds, Brains, And How Children Learn, by Alison Gopnik, PhD. [00:24:54] Book: Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World, by David Epstein. [00:25:00] Cohousing; Podcast: Contemplating Cohousing: A Paradigm for Modern Day Tribal Living. [00:25:07] Book: Mothers and Others: The Evolutionary Origins of Mutual Understanding, by Sarah Blaffer Hrdy. [00:26:13] Article: The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake, by David Brooks. [00:26:25] Podcast: The Postmenopausal Longevity Paradox and the Evolutionary Advantage of Our Grandmothering Life History, with Kristin Hawkes, PhD. [00:29:54] Our experience with Workaway.info.  [00:38:38] Our Workaway profile.

The Washington Post recently put out an article postulating that the modern review process is flawed. Tight deadlines, unnatural pacing of play-time, playing broken builds and more beg the question: Does game review culture need to change? Or is there some value to it's current form? We share our thoughts on this, Elden Ring's leaked gameplay, the new trailers for Gotham Knights and Suicide Squad from DC Fandome, dBrand getting legal action taken against them by Sony, and Brett and Chris's early hours dissapointment with Far Cry 6. Join us on Triangle Squared: A PlayStation Podcast! New episodes posts every Monday at 12PM CST/10AM PST This show is possible thanks to the support of our Patrons. Consider becoming one today: www.patreon.com/nartech Discord Server: discord.gg/cEvKzqm Twitch: www.twitch.tv/nartechgaming Email or tweet us your thoughts or suggestions! Twitter: twitter.com/TriangleSqrd Email: trianglesquaredpodcast@gmail.com PSN ID's: Add us! Brett - Chaimera086, Sol - MeteoricDemise, Chris - Figz21k #PlayStation #PlayStationPodcast #TriangleSquared

What lies beneath your annoyance? Why are we all so darn irritated? How do we get beyond it? How do we minimize the negative emotions so we can get to spending more time in positive emotions (like happiness)?  The new science of emotions has shown that core emotions provide a clear and direct path to happiness, physical and psychological well-being. Everyone can learn to deal with emotions effectively, channel them for the good of themselves and others, and improve how they feel and live! This is a foundational piece of a happy life.  Rather than looking at psychological symptoms as evidence that someone is "broken," we can now look at symptoms as non-verbal communications that tell us something is wrong and needs to be addressed from a standpoint of compassion and curiosity. In most cases, people have lost touch with their core essential being - their sense of self. Why do we lose touch with our core selves? As children, we all have the job of adapting to our families, our peers, our communities and our culture. We sacrifice self-expression to stay in the good graces of those we need. This is essential for survival. But when we deny, thwart, or exclude too much of our authentic selves to maintain our connection to others, we can fail to thrive. Fearing we won't be loved and accepted as our true selves - flaws and all - we teach ourselves to hide our true feelings. All this survival behavior leads to chronic shame, anxiety and sometimes, depression.  Our feelings are a compass for living, informing us about what we want and don't want, about who turns us on, what excites us, what hurts us. Ignoring emotions leads to stress, anxiety and difficulty finding joy and peace - a feeling of loss of self. It doesn't have to be this way! We can all live life with greater happiness, meaning and connection. How? By getting to know our emotions. That is what The Change Triangle is all about: it's a map back to the true self, and ultimately, happiness. Join Dr. John for a transformational talk with Hilary Jacobs Hendel, author of It's Not Always Depression.  Hilary Jacobs Hendel Bio Hilary holds a M.S.W. with Clinical Concentration from Fordham University. She studied at The Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy and has a private practice in New York City. She was the mental health consultant for the hit TV show Mad Men Hilary has a passion for helping people become their authentic selves. Being "real," or authentic leads to greater connection, compassion, calm, creativity, courage and confidence. One of her main tools is "The Change Triangle -" a map to finding the true self. It helps people become reacquainted with core feelings like anger, sadness, fear, joy, and excitement. And it has helped many people recover a vital, more engaged, more authentic self. Web:https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.comInstagram:@hilaryjacobshendelBook:https://www.amazon.com/s?k=it%27s+not+always+depression Please like, review, rate and share!If you like what you've heard at The Evolved Caveman podcast, support us by subscribing, leaving reviews on Apple podcasts. Every review helps to get the message out! Please share the podcast with friends and colleagues.Follow Dr. John Schinnerer on| Instagram | Instagram.com/@TheEvolvedCaveman| Facebook | Facebook.com/Anger.Management.Expert| Twitter | Twitter.com/@JohnSchin| LinkedIn | Linkedin.com/in/DrJohnSchinnererOr join the email list by visiting: GuideToSelf.comPlease visit our YouTube channel and remember to Like & Subscribe!https://www.youtube.com/user/jschinnererEditing/Mixing/Mastering by: Brian Donat of B/Line Studios www.BLineStudios.comMusic by: Zak Gay http://otonamimusic.com/

How can we move someone from a state where they'll do anything to avoid emotions to being in an openhearted state of mind? Jeremy Todd returns to the program for part three of his series on empathy to discuss The Change Triangle. We're talking about empathy, we're also talking about a range of emotions that are rooted in a variety different areas. Understanding where they're rooted and why they're rooted there is crucial in building Trust in sales. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

"Exercise is my therapy" is a common phrase. Today, Jewel Anderson, a Licensed Professional Counselor in the Kansas City area, discusses why you could be using exercise as a coping mechanism. She discusses how exercise is often a "defense" against things of our past or uncomfortable emotions. She leaves you with a powerful tool, called the Change Triangle, that can help you dig a layer deeper to uncover what you could be avoiding and defending against using exercise. 2:55  Using exercise as therapy 7:16  Sublimation aka Defense Mechanisms 19:39  Avoidance as a defense mechanism 23:26  Emotional experiences after exercise 28:24  The Change Triangle 43:30  How to recognize if you are using exercise as a defense behavior Work with Jewel by visiting her website: http://www.jewelandersoncounseling.com/Book referenced by Jewel: "It's Not Always Depression" by Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Kyle talks about: How creating 1,000 videos a year improved the Customer Experience Why this removed the unknowns and what-ifs Why it's important to disrupt the flow of information when educating customers  The book that has influenced Kyle the most in the past year:  It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self by Hillary Jacobs Hendel: https://amzn.to/3BDsiHt His note to all CX professionals:“Take a 10 minute break in silence. People are so used to doing the next thing, and overcoming problems and not having a lot of time to sit and allow them to hear what our body is telling us. A lot of wisdom happens in the silence...”Transcript: https://press1fornick.com/win-the-house-you-love***ABOUT NICK GLIMSDAHLSubscribe to my weekly newsletterFind me on TwitterFind me on LinkedIn***LISTENER SUPPORTSupport this show through Buy Me A CoffeeBOOK RECOMMENDATIONS:Learn about all the guests book recommendations here: https://press1fornick.com/books/  BROUGHT TO YOU BY:VDS: They are a client-first consulting firm focused on strategy, business outcomes, and technology. They provide holistic consulting services to optimize your customer contact center, inspiring and designing transformational change to modernize and prepare your business for the future. Learn more: https://www.govds.com/ This podcast is under the umbrella of CX of M Radio: https://cxofm.org/Podcast-Shows/ SPONSORING OPPORTUNITIES:Interested in partnering with the Press 1 For Nick podcast? Click here: https://press1fornick.com/lets-talk/ ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Back on the podcast with me today is licensed therapist and certified meditation teacher, Jason Connell. His work focuses on the intersection of evidence-based psychology, philosophy, and enduring insights from the wisdom traditions. His goal is to help his clients develop self-love and self-compassion while solving persistent and challenging problems related to happiness, stress, anxiety, work, relationships, and finding meaning. On this podcast, Jason talks about Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), the approach he uses to foster connection and facilitate positive transformational experiences with his clients. We discuss the goals of this therapeutic method, including the healing of attachment injury, which affects about 50% of the population. You can also listen in as Jason guides me through a short AEDP session right here on the podcast. Here's the outline of this interview with Jason Connell: [00:02:13] People experience greater stress in urban areas; Study: Lederbogen, Florian, et al. "City living and urban upbringing affect neural social stress processing in humans." Nature 474.7352 (2011): 498-501. [00:03:20] Jason's previous NBT podcast: From Magic to Mindfulness: The Evolution of an Entrepreneur. [00:03:33] Book: It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self, by Hilary Jacobs Hendel. [00:03:39] Book: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Bessel van der Kolk. [00:06:01] Podcast: The Neurophysiology of Safety and How to Feel Safe, with Stephen Porges. [00:06:43] The need to belong. [00:06:51] Podcast: The Postmenopausal Longevity Paradox and the Evolutionary Advantage of Our Grandmothering Life History, with Kristen Hawkes, PhD. [00:07:53] Change triangle. [00:08:26] Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), founded by Diana Fosha, PhD. [00:10:08] Attachment theory - 50% are securely attached, 50% have attachment injury. [00:12:59] John Bowlby's work on attachment. [00:13:02] Book: Mothers and Others: The Evolutionary Origins of Mutual Understanding, by Sarah Blaffer Hrdy. [00:13:06] Book: Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, by Jessica Fern. [00:26:04] Book: Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion, by Paul Bloom. [00:26:45] Compassion vs. Empathy. [00:28:19] Polyvagal theory. [00:30:54] Physiological safety. [00:32:46] Alexithymia. [00:37:05] AEDP demonstration. [01:02:54] Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) vs. AEDP. [01:12:16] AEDP Practitioner Directory. [01:13:39] Emotional Focused Therapy (couples) and Internal Family Systems (families); Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). [01:14:55] Find Jason at jasonconnell.co.

Michael S. Sorensen is a business executive by day and a bestselling author, speaker, and relationship coach by night. He has helped hundreds of thousands of people across the world heal broken relationships, revitalize their confidence, and become masters of connection in business, love, and life. Unique among others in his field, Michael is not a therapist, social worker, or medical professional. Instead, he gained his knowledge by going to therapy himself—1-2 times per week, for over five years—and voraciously consuming every relationship and self-help book he could get his hands on. On this podcast, Michael talks about one of the most valuable (yet little-known) communication skills - validation. The subject of his book, I Hear You, validation is the key to calming fears and uncertainties, increasing feelings of love and appreciation in relationships, and giving advice and feedback that sticks. Michael shares his 4-step method for validating others (and oneself), talks about how to identify emotions, and shares why validation is such a simple yet powerful interpersonal tool. Here’s the outline of this interview with Michael Sorensen: [00:00:31] Book: I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, by Michael S. Sorensen. [00:00:43] Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Anna Dow. [00:00:54] Book: Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It, by Chris Voss. [00:01:31] How Michael came to the skill of validation. [00:03:38] Defining validation. [00:05:16] Simon Marshall, PhD. [00:06:49] Listening vs. validation. [00:07:45] Podcast: The Postmenopausal Longevity Paradox and the Evolutionary Advantage of Our Grandmothering Life History, with Kristin Hawkes, PhD. [00:09:37] Benefits of validation. [00:11:25] Invalidating statements. [00:14:35] When to validate. [00:15:11] 4 step method: Listen empathically, validate, advice/feedback, validate again. [00:16:56] How to identify emotions. [00:18:16] Emotion wheel. [00:18:56] Podcast: From Magic to Mindfulness: The Evolution of an Entrepreneur, with Jason Connell. [00:19:23] Book: It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self, by Hilary Jacobs Hendel. [00:24:52] Validation vs. reflective listening. [00:27:23] Validating when you don't agree. [00:33:05] Why it’s a short book. [00:34:41] The I Hear You Relationships Podcast. [00:35:35] Validating ourselves. [00:37:32] Find Michael: Amazon, michaelssorensen.com.

The Heart of Jacks PodcastEpisode #14 - A Tantra Primer with Rick LaskaGuest: Rick LaskaReleased March 15, 2021 Sponsored by Woodhull Freedom Foundation at https://woodhullfoundation.orgSupported by Patreon at https://patreon.com/theheartofjacks/ Barking dogs and garage doorsPursuing the bate-life balanceAnd a mindful talk about tantra with Rick Laska Segment 1: Paul wants to talk to you about your "Bate/Life Balance," how adults who masturbate frequently balance this part of their lives with everything else being a grownup requires of us. It may sound strange, but the extension of our cultural reticence with regard to masturbation can leave people in a "denial/release" cycle of cutting out self-pleasure followed by periods of sacrificing everything else. Paul is looking for guest suggestions to chew on this topic of making healthy self-pleasuring a balanced part of our adult lives. Segment 2: Rick Laska is a clinical social worker and certified sex therapist in the Twin Cities Metro Area in Minnesota. He has been involved in the field of sexual health and wellness for over 2 decades. He is passionate about pleasure, intimacy, and connection as well as overcoming the oppressive forces trying to stifle those things. Paul and Rick talk about his path to social work and sex therapy, and dive into the fundamentals of sexual mindfulness and tantra.- - - - -Email the show: podcast@theheartofjacks.comCall the show: 206-580-3120Send your questions and they might be included in future episodes. The Heart of Jacks Podcast, written and produced by Paul RosenbergTheme Music is Carouselophane by Jake Bradford SharpPodcast distribution by Simplecast- - - - -Rick Laska (AASECT profile) Rick Laska (Director of Clinical Services, JustUs Health, St. Paul Minnesota)  Mentioned in this podcast: Inspiration:Diana Fosha, PhDAbout Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) Esther Perel"Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel" (podcast) "How's Work?" (podcast) "Rethinking infidelity… a talk for anyone who has ever loved" Esther Perel at TED2015  Recommendations:"Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century" by Barbara Carrellas "Tantra for Gay Men" by Bruce Anderson "It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self" by Hilary Jacobs Hendel Sex Education on Netflix 

In this episode I speak with Trauma Recovery Coach and Spiritual Mentor Sam Garcia. We share deeply our own trauma that has led to challenges in our lives, especially in relationships. We share many of our tips and strategies on how to recovery from trauma so you can stop living in the past and experience more emotional freedom. We unpack the 4 protection mechanisms that we use to adapt to our trauma as children and how these "protection mechanisms" are no longer serving us because they are preventing us from connecting with others in authentic ways. We share ways to start to unlearn these mechanisms so you can begin to live more of your authentic self. About Today’s Guest:Sam is called to connect and work with Trauma Recovery Coaching, Spiritual Mentoring and Soul Retrieval clients that are connected to their spirituality, have a sense of their own daily spiritual practice, and are doing their emotional and mental work. In addition, his intention is to support men and women who want to move past their trauma and embody the gifts of their wounds and are ready to move into the next level of their personal power. They have a support system (therapist, counselor, psychologist, psychotherapist, mentor, close friends, family, spouse, etc). Sam is an addition to your support team. He is here to support, empower, uplift, and be a peer in your healing journey. It is a great honor and his holy privilege to work with you in this capacity. He looks forward to supporting you in your healing journey.Connect with Sam:WebsiteMatt's Emotion Regulation Video (3 step process)Christina Lopes video The book Sam spoke about:It's Not Always DepressionWorking the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic SelfBy: Hilary Jacobs Hendel, Diana Fosha - forwardSong of the episode: Luca Fogale - Surviving About the Host:Matt Landsiedel is a transformative life coach, intuitive, podcast host, and author from Calgary, Canada.Matt specializes in teaching people how to heal shame and embody their authentic self so they can enjoy meaningful connections in their lives. His areas of expertise are working with gay men and highly sensitive people to develop a stronger sense of self-worth.► Take my new FREE course: Embody Your Truth ► MattLandsiedel.com► Read my latest book► Facebook► Instagram

Psychoanalyst Hilary Jacobs Hendel introduces us to The Change Triangle.

Life is messy - even for pastors.  Why? Because they are human.In this episode, Fred Herron, former pastor of the Vineyard mega church in Kansas City joins us to share his story of how insomnia and ministry burn out led him down a dark path that ultimately caused him to spin out of control and be removed from his church. From pedestal to the front page of the Sunday edition of the Kansas City Star, Fred calls himself a prodigal pastor. His story is both gut-wrenching and refreshing for all of us who struggle with being the "perfect" Christian. Now, two years later, Fred is brutally honest about his recovery, his shame and how he is trying to find hope again, both in his heart and in his work as he has launched Spirituality Adventures - a nonjudgmental place to explore spirituality. Special Guest: Fred HerronTo learn more about Fred's story, listen to his podcast Spirituality Adventures,  or go to  www.RealFredHerron.com. Resources on emotional intelligence:It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self by Hilary Jacobs HendelPermission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive by Marc Brackett

 “Ultimately the goal is to communicate our wants, needs, fears and boundaries confidently and effectively.” – Hilary Jacobs HendelPsychotherapist and author of It's Not Always Depression: Working the change triangle to listen to the body, Discover Core Emotions and Reconnect with Your Authentic Self  talks about the importance of emotional education to help us connect to each other and ourselves. In this conversation, we talk about how emotions live in the body, why we avoid feelings and how to judging them, slowing down, the power of feeling, dealing and relating, the different types of shame, guilt and boundaries, moving through small traumas, how we are made up of parts, and how something as simple as learning to take a compliment can help us sit with emotions.Find more resources at www.hilaryjacobshendel.com* * *Support this podcast on Patreon  with a monthly pledge, or join for virtual Momentum Mornings deep work sessions. To stay tuned, please subscribe to the show wherever you hear your podcasts and sign up to the semi-regular Extraordinary Routines newsletter.This podcast is produced and edited by Madeleine Dore. Special thanks to Nelson Dore for the theme music and Ellen Porteus for the cover art.

Emotions! You can't live with'em, but ya can't get rid of'em. Am I right?!Nah, I'm just kidding, of course. Emotions are one of the most important things in our lives. Emotions make us who we are. And they have a big role in our development and everyday lives.But emotions can also be hard on us. The so-called "negative" emotions such as sadness, anger, or fear can wreak havoc in our days and nights, making our lives miserable. And if you're parents, who have to take care not only of your emotions but those of your kids as well.Well, what if there was a tool that could really help you make sense of your emotions and cope with them when they get a little bit too much?In this episode of The Apparently Parent Podcast, I want to tell you about such a tool. It's called The Change Triangle and it was developed by Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, who is a guest in this episode. In the episode, Hilary and I talk about the change triangle and how it can play a role in your lives as parents (and also as just human beings with emotions, kids or no kids).Support the show

Depression and anxiety are not what you think they are, according to my guest. Often thought of as presenting problems in their own right, it might make more sense to think of them as clusters of symptoms deriving from underlying problems knowing and working with our core emotions. In her new book, It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self (2018, Random House), Hilary Jacobs Hendel debunks common myths about what it means to be ‘depressed’ or ‘anxious’ and offers a fresh approach for working through these symptoms, using the Change Triangle. In our interview, we discuss how anyone can put the Change Triangle to work in order to relieve suffering and improve emotional awareness. We also address the key role trauma plays in the development of depression and anxiety symptoms, and how such trauma can be healed. This episode is for anyone wishing to gain lasting relief from long-standing emotional difficulties and become more connection with their emotional lives. Hilary Jacobs Hendel is a licensed clinical social worker who received her B.A. in biochemistry from Wesleyan University and an MSW from Fordham University. She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times and professional journals. She also consulted on the psychological development of characters on AMC’s Mad Men. She lives in New York City. Eugenio Duarte, Ph.D. is a psychologist and psychoanalyst practicing in Miami. He treats individuals and couples, with specialties in gender and sexuality, eating and body image problems, and relationship issues. He is a graduate and faculty of William Alanson White Institute in Psychiatry, Psychoanalysis, and Psychology in New York City and former chair of their LGBTQ Study Group; and faculty at Florida Psychoanalytic Institute in Miami. He is also a contributing author to the book Introduction to Contemporary Psychoanalysis: Defining Terms and Building Bridges (2018, Routledge). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Depression and anxiety are not what you think they are, according to my guest. Often thought of as presenting problems in their own right, it might make more sense to think of them as clusters of symptoms deriving from underlying problems knowing and working with our core emotions. In her new book, It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self (2018, Random House), Hilary Jacobs Hendel debunks common myths about what it means to be ‘depressed' or ‘anxious' and offers a fresh approach for working through these symptoms, using the Change Triangle. In our interview, we discuss how anyone can put the Change Triangle to work in order to relieve suffering and improve emotional awareness. We also address the key role trauma plays in the development of depression and anxiety symptoms, and how such trauma can be healed. This episode is for anyone wishing to gain lasting relief from long-standing emotional difficulties and become more connection with their emotional lives. Hilary Jacobs Hendel is a licensed clinical social worker who received her B.A. in biochemistry from Wesleyan University and an MSW from Fordham University. She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times and professional journals. She also consulted on the psychological development of characters on AMC's Mad Men. She lives in New York City. Eugenio Duarte, Ph.D. is a psychologist and psychoanalyst practicing in Miami. He treats individuals and couples, with specialties in gender and sexuality, eating and body image problems, and relationship issues. He is a graduate and faculty of William Alanson White Institute in Psychiatry, Psychoanalysis, and Psychology in New York City and former chair of their LGBTQ Study Group; and faculty at Florida Psychoanalytic Institute in Miami. He is also a contributing author to the book Introduction to Contemporary Psychoanalysis: Defining Terms and Building Bridges (2018, Routledge). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Support our show by becoming a premium member! https://newbooksnetwork.supportingcast.fm/psychology

Dr. Chantelle Thomas talks to Tammy Limbach about the role of somatic experiencing in addiction treatment. Tammy Limbach, Certified Roller, Yoga Practitioner and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner: http://tammylimbach.com/ Dr. Chantelle Thomas, Executive Clinical Director of the Manor by Windrose Recovery: https://discoverthemanor.com/ Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van Der Kolk, M.D.: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748 Hillary Jacobs Hendel's the Change Triangle:https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/what-is-the-change-triangle-c18dd  

Welcome to THE TRUE NORTH COLLECTIVE℠ PODCAST: SEASON 3! With co-hosts Rachel Bellotti (she/her) and Jenell Riesner (she/her), this is a gathering of un-sugar-coated conversations celebrating the untold stories of everyday people fearlessly finding and living their true north.  In our own search to discover and live from our TRUE NORTH, we continue to meet many interesting, courageous people from all walks of life, doing all sorts of amazing things to live life in their own unique way. Stories from all over the world. Stories with heart. Stories with grit. Stories with plot twists. Stories going untold - until now. This season, we celebrate these untold stories of everyday people who are fearlessly living their true north and inspiring each of us to do the same. Today, we catch-up just the two of us, no guests, to share what we’ve been up to over the past four months. Much has changed in the world and we, like all of you, are also on the journey of self-discovery, learning what it is like to be true to ourselves over time and as life evolves. This year specifically has created so much invitation for shaking up our views of the world and we wanted to share how that’s all been unfolding honestly, organically, and without any rights or wrongs. We talk about being a performer, sitting with your reality, vulnerability hangovers, the wobbliness of growing and evolving into new versions of yourself, embracing failure + regret, proactively trusting, and learning into what’s truly important to you.   *note: this episode includes explicit language appropriate for those ages 16+   RESOURCES MENTIONED: Some of our fav #amplifymelanatedvoices @sonyareneetaylor Some of our fav #amplifymelanatedvoices @kierandthem #amplifymarginalizedvoices @janellemonae Human Potential Institute Coaching Certification Saalt cup Hoan Bridge in Milwaukee Penny Berman - email for Reiki/coaching at pennyberman@yahoo.com The Change Triangle book Wingtip - “too scared to settle, too scared to try, feeling so feeble at the prime of my life” Music from: https://www.jukedeck.com/   3 KEY TAKEAWAYS: Wherever you’re at right now emotionally, can you allow yourself to sit in it? If you are used to avoiding, denying, distracting, or forcing forward momentum, what if you just stayed with what was coming up and see it through to the other side? Whatever our reasons for not wanting to sit with it, when we avoid feeling something, it just gets stored to be felt later. Over time that stored unfelt stuff gets bigger and bigger and we carry around that weight. Yet, if we just sit with it, welcome it (or if that’s too much, just acknowledge that you are with it) and allow it to share with you the experience of what it is, it will pass. Being humxn is feeling all of our humxness. We think that we can bypass the stuff that is “scary + uncomfortable” but we cannot. It’s always still there until we are willing to sit with it and experience a more full version of ourselves and realize we are ok, and then it will pass on. As we inevitably evolve, know that it is ok to feel shaky with where you are in between who you have been and who you are becoming. You can have a sense of confidence and trust in the person that you knew you were back when you were them and hold onto that confidence while you experience wobbliness in the here and now as you find new legs and confidence in who you are today and who you are becoming. These contrasts are normal and a part of the process of evolving and growing. What if we tried to fail as much as possible? What if failing was living? What if we celebrated putting ourselves out there, learning, growing, failing again, experiencing things, trying things, going for it, and being ok with it? What would you do if you knew failure was a part of the game of life? What would you do if you knew failure + regret were inevitable no matter how hard you try to avoid it?    TIME-STAMPED SHOW NOTES: [3:30] Menstrual cup [7:35] Jenell’s current + ongoing road trip adventure [12:08] AD: We are so proud to announce that we just launched AMPLIFY, a mini-series from the TRUE NORTH COLLECTIVE (TNC) dedicated to highlighting the untold stories of everyday BIPOC fearlessly finding + living their TRUE NORTH amidst systemic realities - past, present, and future. This has been a really important project for us as we continue to learn + unlearn our own conditioning + bias; hear, share, and challenge ourselves to have new + uncomfortable conversations; and build a bridge that inspires action. Each episode will include a TAKE ACTION brought by our guest, so definitely check it out + get involved in a way that feels true to you. #amplifymelanatedvoices [13:40] Owning where you’re at [16:00] Vulnerability hangover [20:20] Reality vs evaluation [25:30] The Change Triangle  [31:00] The grieving process + evolving without shame [39:00] What’s most important to you? [41:00] Can there be an AND? [47:00] Proactive trust vs blind trust [49:00] Control/victim energy vs aligned/integrated energy [50:10] AD: Did you know that we’re on YOUTUBE now?! With a year full of zooming, we thought it would be fun to show you our fun faces as we record. So, if you are more of a visual content lover, make sure to check us out on YOUTUBE. Enjoy! [53:00] Failure + regret [1:04:00] How to handle when a plan that falls apart [1:07:00] Bravely choosing yourself 

Today Hilary Jacobs Hendel joins me to talk about her book It's Not Always Depression, and the Change Triangle. You can learn more about Hilary on her site https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/ On the Xtended version ... We continue the conversation with Hilary Jacobs Hendel and move into how the Change Triangle plays out in sex. Enjoy the show! Sponsors ... Better HELP: Online counseling services accessible from anywhere. Save 10% on your first month https://betterhelp.com/smr The post The Change Triangle #481 first appeared on Sexy Marriage Radio.

Today Hilary Jacobs Hendel joins me to talk about her book It's Not Always Depression, and the Change Triangle. You can learn more about Hilary on her site https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/ On the Xtended version ... We continue the conversation with Hilary Jacobs Hendel and move into how the Change Triangle plays out in sex. Enjoy the show! Sponsors ... Better HELP: Online counseling services accessible from anywhere. Save 10% on your first month https://betterhelp.com/smr

Today Hilary Jacobs Hendel joins me to talk about her book It's Not Always Depression, and the Change Triangle. You can learn more about Hilary on her site https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/ On the Xtended version ... We continue the conversation with Hilary Jacobs Hendel and move into how the Change Triangle plays out in sex. Enjoy the show! Sponsors ... Better HELP: Online counseling services accessible from anywhere. Save 10% on your first month https://betterhelp.com/smr The post The Change Triangle #481 appeared first on Sexy Marriage Radio.

Become A Love Tribe Member Today — When you become a Love Tribe Member, you'll gain access to exclusive, ad-free content not available on our regular, free feed. The membership provides you even more amazing and actionable relationship advice from the world's leading experts. Sign Up Here! Understanding our emotions is a fundamental requirement for personal and relationship growth. Listen to today's episode to learn how to better understand your emotions, share with your partner and connect more deeply. In this episode, we discuss relationship advice topics that include: Understanding how emotions work in the mind and body How to work safely with our emotions and accept ourselves The importance of learning how to tune into our body's sensations How to deal with emotions like jealousy and process these emotions How to communicate your emotions with your partner in the most productive ways ++ BONUS++ round of questions for Love Tribe Members Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, is author of the critically acclaimed and two-time award-winning book, It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self (Random House, Feb. 2018). She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times, TIME, Oprah, Salon, and professional journals. Hendel also consulted on the psychological development of characters on AMC’s Mad Men. Hilary’s blog on emotions and how to use them for well being is read worldwide. Full show notes and episode links at: https://idopodcast.com/258 Spark My Relationship Course: Get $100 off our online course. Visit SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock for our special offer just for our I Do Podcast listeners! New Podcast Series: Love Under Quarantine Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Uberlube is a luxurious, high-grade silicone lubricant made from clean, body-friendly ingredients. Get 10% off and free shipping when you use our code “IDo” at UberLube.com. If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! – Chase & Sarah

Ben talks with Lee Carter, author of Persuasion: Convincing Others When Facts Don’t Seem to Matter.Lee has spent nearly twenty years advising and helping the world's most well-known companies and she shares her secrets to persuading anyone, at work and in life.Whether it's convincing an employer you are right for the job, a customer that your product is the best, or your closed-minded uncle that good people can disagree, it takes the art--and science--of persuasion to move forward.Among the counter intuitive lessons you'll learn:  *  It's not enough to understand the person you're talking to--you must truly empathize with them (yes, even them).  *  Logic alone doesn't work. Stories and emotions are what move us most.  *  When communicating in a crisis, our first instinct is almost always wrong.To learn more about Lee Carter visit, https://www.penguinrandomhouse.ca/books/576098/persuasion-by-lee-hartley-carter/9780143133476

In light of the coronavirus, this is going to be the first of many episodes in which I’ll be offering you tools to manage your overwhelming emotions at this time of unprecedented worldwide pandemic and self-quarantining.   It’s only natural for us all to be experiencing some degree of anxiety, fear, sadness, loss, confusion, overwhelm during this time. There is so much unknown, there are so many plans that we’ve had to cancel or postpone, there is loneliness, isolation and of course our emotions will be along for the ride. Having tools to know what to do when these emotions start to take over will be more helpful now than ever. In this episode, I interview psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel who guides us through a framework known as the change triangle to map where our emotions are, and how to notice when our inhibitory emotions (such as anxiety, shame and guilt) or defensive emotions (such as depression, resistance, addiction, denial, etc…) are blocking us from feeling our core emotions (joy, sadness, fear, anger, disgust or excitement). I also add the framework of mindfulness for how we can name our emotions to be able to calm our brain and body.   To learn more about Hilary and her work: Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, takes the complex world of emotions and makes them easy to understand and work with for greater peace, calm and confidence. She is the developer of the Change Triangle tool for emotional health. Hilary is also the author of the award-winning self-help book on emotions called, "It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self" (Random House, 2018). She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times, TIME, Oprah, Salon, and professional journals. Hilary also consulted on the psychological development of characters on AMC’s Mad Men. Hilary’s blog on emotions and how to use them for wellbeing is read worldwide. For more FREE resources on emotions and emotional health, visit: www.hilaryjacobshendel.com   Website: www.hilaryjacobshendel.com Blog: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/hilarys-blog Facebook: Facebook.com/AuthorHilaryJacobsHendel Twitter: @HilaryJHendel Instagram: Hilary Jacobs Hendel The Change Triangle YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxRHckyznerWhoSkPBozgfA Order It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self (Random House, 2018): https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Always-Depression-Authentic/dp/0399588140/ref=tmm_hrd_title_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1571581643&sr=8-1

The new science of emotions has shown that core emotions provide a path to happiness, physical and psychological well being. Everyone can learn to deal with emotions effectively, channel them for the good of themselves and others, and improve how they feel and live! Rather than looking at psychological symptoms as evidence that someone is "broken," we can now look at symptoms as non-verbal communications that tell us something is wrong and needs to be addressed from a standpoint of compassion and curiosity. In most cases, people have lost touch with their core essential being - their sense of self. Why do we lose touch with our core selves? As children, we all have the job of adapting to our families, our peers, our communities and our culture. We sacrifice self-expression to stay in the good graces of those we need. This is essential for survival. But when we deny, thwart, or exclude too much of our authentic selves to maintain our connection to others, we can fail to thrive. Fearing we won't be loved and accepted as our true selves - flaws and all - we teach ourselves to hide our true feelings. All this survival behavior leads to chronic shame, anxiety and sometimes, depression. Our feelings are a compass for living, informing us about what we want and don't want, about who turns us on, what excites us, what hurts us. Ignoring emotions leads to stress, anxiety and difficulty finding joy and peace - a feeling of loss of self. It doesn't have to be this way! Anyone can live a life in harmony with his or her core feelings. How? By getting to know those emotions. That is what The Change Triangle is all about: it's a map back to the true self, and ultimately, happiness. Join Dr. John for a transformational talk with Hilary Jacobs-Handel, author of It’s Not Always Depression. Hilary Jacobs-Hendel Bio Hilary holds a M.S.W. with Clinical Concentration from Fordham University. She studied at The Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy and has a private practice in New York City. She was the mental health consultant for the hit TV show Mad Men Hilary has a passion for helping people become their authentic selves. Being "real," or authentic leads to greater connection, compassion, calm, creativity, courage and confidence. One of her main tools is "The Change Triangle -" a map to finding the true self. It helps people become reacquainted with core feelings like anger, sadness, fear, joy, and excitement. And it has helped many people recover a vital, more engaged, more authentic self. Web: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com Instagram: @hilaryjacobshendel Book: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=it%27s+not+always+depression Check us out on Google Play and give us a Like and Subscribe! https://play.google.com/music/listen#/ps/Imo4l6pgrbmeklxvec6pgwzxnz4 If you like what you've heard, support us by subscribing, leaving reviews on Apple podcasts. Every review helps to get the message out! Please share the podcast with friends and colleagues. Follow Dr. John Schinnerer on | Instagram | Instagram.com/@TheEvolvedCaveman | Facebook | Facebook.com/Anger.Management.Expert | Twitter | Twitter.com/@JohnSchin | LinkedIn | Linkedin.com/in/DrJohnSchinnerer Or join the email list by visiting: GuideToSelf.com Please visit our YouTube channel and remember to Like & Subscribe! https://www.youtube.com/user/jschinnerer Editing/Mixing/Mastering by: Brian Donat of B/Line Studios www.BLineStudios.com Music by: Zak Gay http://otonamimusic.com/

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, takes the complex world of emotions and makes them easy to understand and work with for greater peace, calm and confidence. She is the developer of the Change Triangle tool for emotional health. Hilary is also the author of the award-winning self-help book on emotions called, "It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self" (Random House, 2018). She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times, TIME, Oprah, Salon, and professional journals. Hilary also consulted on the psychological development of characters on AMC's Mad Men. Hilary's blog on emotions and how to use them for wellbeing is read worldwide. For more FREE resources on emotions and emotional health, visit: Hilaryjacobshendel.com Facebook: Facebook.com/AuthorHilaryJacobsHendel Twitter: @HilaryJHendel Instagram: Hilary Jacobs Hendel The Change Triangle on YouTube Order It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self (Random House, 2018):  --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/thebarbershopgroup/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thebarbershopgroup/support

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, is an emotion educator, as well as a psychoanalyst and experiential trauma therapist in private practice. She is the developer of the Change Triangle tool for emotional health. Hilary is also the author of the award-winning self-help book on emotions called, “It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self” (Random House, 2018). She has published articles in The New York Times, TIME, Oprah, Salon, and professional journals. Hilary also consulted on the psychological development of characters on AMC's Mad Men. Hilary's blog on emotions and how to use them for wellbeing is read worldwide. For more FREE resources on emotions and emotional health, visit: Hilaryjacobshendel.com

How do you communicate about your feelings in the most effective way possible? While we're at it, how do you even *feel* your feelings so that they can move through you - instead of getting stuck or repressed? And, as you learn how to communicate about your feelings - what does the way that people respond to you tell you about them? In this week's episode, you'll discover some easy ways to touch into your deepest feelings, and to communicate about them in ways that can help connect you to the people in your life. And you'll learn how communicating about your own emotions can help you discern important information about others. In this episode, I also refer to two earlier episodes: 198 - Healing Your Earliest Attachment Wounds - with Peter Levine and  196 - Harnessing the Transforming Power of Your Core Emotions - the Change Triangle - with Hilary Jacobs Hendel As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Find a quality therapist, online, to support you and work on the places where you’re stuck. For 10% off your first month, visit Betterhelp.com/ALIVE to fill out the quick questionnaire and get paired with a therapist who’s right for you. This episode is also sponsored by Native Deodorant. Their products are filled with ingredients you can find in nature like coconut oil, which is an antimicrobial, shea butter to moisturize, and tapioca starch to absorb wetness. They don’t ever test on animals, they don’t use aluminum or any other scary chemical ingredients, and they’re so confident that you’ll like their deodorant that they offer free shipping - and returns. For 20% off your first purchase, visit http://www.nativedeodorant.com/alive and use promo code ALIVE during checkout. Resources: I want to know you better! Take the quick, anonymous, Relationship Alive survey FREE Guide to Neil’s Top 3 Relationship Communication Secrets Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner’s Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) Support the podcast (or text “SUPPORT” to 33444) Amazing intro and outro music provided courtesy of The Railsplitters

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, takes the complex world of emotions and makes them easy to understand and work with for greater peace, calm and confidence. She is the developer of the Change Triangle tool for emotional health. Hilary is also the author of the award-winning self-help book on emotions called, "It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self" (Random House, 2018). She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times, TIME, Oprah, Salon, and professional journals. Hilary also consulted on the psychological development of characters on AMC’s Mad Men. Hilary’s blog on emotions and how to use them for wellbeing is read worldwide. For more FREE resources on emotions and emotional health, visit: Hilaryjacobshendel.com Book Club Launching Nov. 4th - Sign Up HERE.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Every single human has surely suffered with feeling invalidated for their emotions. Author of ’It’s Not Always Depression’ and psychotherapist, Hilary Jacobs Hendel joined us to explore her ground-breaking work on emotions. Many of us have never really learned the true anatomy of our emotions. As Hilary explains, we can build our lives around avoiding the true feeling of our emotions. For many of us our early experiences with emotions involved us being told to ‘get over it’ in one way or another. Fully embracing emotions like anger and hurt means going against our conditioning, and some of these emotions seem downright scary. Could we end up lashing out in rage? Or could embracing our pain actually open the pathway toward calm, composure and compassion? Hilary walks us through the model she uses that allows people to experience - often for the first time in their lives - how to fully feel a feeling, and the freedom that this experiences offers us. 1.30 mins - Introduction to the Break up Recovery course. 4 mins - Introduction to Hilary Jacobs Hendel. 6 mins - Emotions are involuntary physical responses, we cannot just ‘get over them’. 9 mins - What are positive emotions - expansive experiences, what does it feel like to allow them to arise? 14 mins - “It runs in the family” the narrative of inherited patterns. 18 mins - What is anxiety and how does it exist within the body? 22 mins - Understanding the change triangle and the impact of shame. 29 mins - Experiencing the full emotional wave, the emotional experience of anger. 39 mins - Moving though childhood trauma. 47 mins - How do we know if we have suppressed core emotions? 54 mins - I feel therefore I am. 1hr 3mins - Working through other peoples emotions. 1hr 18mins - Free resources from Hilary Jacobs Hendel. Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, takes the complex world of emotions and makes them easy to understand for all. She is author of the award-winning self-help book on emotions called, It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self (Random House, 2018). She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times, TIME, Oprah, Salon, and professional journals. Hendel also consulted on the psychological development of characters on AMC’s Mad Men. Hilary’s blog on emotions and how to use them for wellbeing is read worldwide. For more FREE resources on emotions and emotional health, visit: Hilaryjacobshendel.com Find out more about the Change Triangle Here It's Not Always Depression by Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Sometimes as a teacher, I feel emotionally numb or meh and I can participate in self destructive behaviors in order to cope. I wanted to address these feelings and talk about something called the Change Triangle and how it can help you move away from negative emotions and into more positive ones to make you a healthier and happier teacher.

We're back with part 5 of our relationship with food series, and today I'll be sharing some amazing resources that will be so helpful on your journey to a better place with food, especially when it comes to emotional eating. We'll be talking about how normal it is to see food as part of our coping tools (eating for reasons other than hunger is a part of normal eating and emotions play a part in this), and what can help when it has become the only coping tool. I'll share a resource that has been enormously helpful in understanding emotions and anxiety, and we'll talk about how there isn't just one side of us running the show when it comes to our eating, and how we can begin to nourish the different sides of us, with and without food. For the written version of this post and all the links mentioned, click here.

We're back with part 5 of our relationship with food series, and today I'll be sharing some amazing resources that will be so helpful on your journey to a better place with food, especially when it comes to emotional eating. We'll be talking about how normal it is to see food as part of our coping tools (eating for reasons other than hunger is a part of normal eating and emotions play a part in this), and what can help when it has become the only coping tool. I'll share a resource that has been enormously helpful in understanding emotions and anxiety, and we'll talk about how there isn't just one side of us running the show when it comes to our eating, and how we can begin to nourish the different sides of us, with and without food. For the written version of this post and all the links mentioned, click here.

Hilary Jacobs Hendel is a licensed social worker, author of the critically acclaimed and two-time award-winning book, It’s Not Always Depression, she is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor, has published articles in The New York Times, TIME, and Oprah, and also consulted on the psychological development of characters on AMC’s Mad Men. It is true that we really think with our whole bodies, which is why it is important to equip yourself with the skills and knowledge necessary to calm and regulate your nervous system, resist from acting on impulses and minimize your shame. Hilary has created The Change Triangle framework to help others understand the shift between our core emotions and defense mechanisms and learn how to master an emotion for good. By understanding how The Change Triangle works to validate a feeling, and figuring out how to channel that emotion into something helpful, you can get to the state of the open-hearted self.  Our body is wired with emotions from the get-go, and it is only by tuning into the sensations within yourself that you can understand your impulses, embrace your core emotions and channel them through emotionally mature realms of possibility. Are you ready to take control of your emotions and embrace the open-hearted self? Share what steps you are taking with us in the comments on the episode page.    In This Episode Understanding in a nutshell what it means to experience an emotion  Self-help tools to be less frightened and overwhelmed by your emotions How to turn your attention into the body to notice a physical sensation  Embracing the open-hearted self and ways to demystify your emotions  Mindfulness practices to stop acting on your impulse and create space   Quotes “What we now have is too much shame, that is constricting us too much and not allowing our true authentic selves and our emotions to flow. And that's where the problem happens.” (23:24) “Part of the ways that I think we can all grow is to find our pockets of shame… to kind of know your vulnerability there and decide whether you want to work on it and kind of share it and talk about it so that it becomes less toxic and less constricting.” (24:46) “If children were learning this and young adults, and we were sort of minimizing the trauma, minimizing anxiety, minimizing guilt and shame, we are all going to feel much calmer and confident and able to meet the challenges of life.” (33:24) “With a little bit of education, we can reverse the trajectory of burying emotions, to living more authentically knowing what we are feeling and how to communicate that.” (46:52)   Links Hilary Jacobs Hendel Website It's Not Always Depression by Hilary Jacobs Hendel Why Did I Do That? Blog Post   Find the full show notes for this episode here Keep up with all things Love Is Medicine Follow Razi on Facebook |Instagram

Beneath anxiety, depression, guilt, and shame, are core emotions that are hardwired into our circuitry. When you’re able to tap into the core emotions - and move through them - you’ll feel a new sense of freedom and empowerment - with the ability to handle anything that life sends your way. Our guest today is Hilary Jacobs Hendel. She’s a psychotherapist and the author of the new book, "It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self,” which will definitely be a game changer for you. Today she has some practical tips for you on how to identify and work through these core emotions, so that you don't get stuck in the secondary emotions that can get in your way. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Want to experience a Luxury Suite or VIP Box at an amazing concert or sporting event? Check out Suitehop.com/DATENIGHT to score sweet deals on a special night for you and your partner. Find a quality therapist, online, to support you and work on the places where you’re stuck. For 10% off your first month, visit Betterhelp.com/ALIVE to fill out the quick questionnaire and get paired with a therapist who’s right for you. Resources: Visit Hilary Jacobs Hendel’s website to learn more about her work. Pick up your copy of Hilary Jacobs Hendel’s book, It's Not Always Depression: Working The Change Triangle To Listen To The Body Discover Core Emotions And Connect To Your Authentic Self. FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/triangle to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Hilary Jacobs Hendel. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host Neil Sattin. It's been my mission of course to give you the best tools that I can find to help you have an amazing thriving relationship. And some of those tools are relational and how you interact with other people, and some of those tools are all about the inner work and how we can come to understand ourselves better and experience life more fully, shine more brightly and to get past the obstacles that stand in our way. And today, I hope to synthesize both of those things for you. Though, we're gonna start with the inner work as we unearth how to get to our core emotional experience and just why that is so important. And along the way you're gonna learn how to identify when you're in a core emotional experience and when you are not and learn exactly how to handle that situation. We are diving more deeply also into the work known as AEDP: accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy. Which is a mouthful but if you listened to Episode 176 with Diana Fosha, or episode 189 with David Mars then you're getting a sense for how this way of working with people can be so profound in its ability to create positive change. Neil Sattin: Today's guest has taken the model even further in showing us how we can apply it for ourselves. So, it's great when you're doing it in, in therapy it's great when you're doing it in couples therapy. And this is going to show you how to do it on your own so that you can experience this kind of change in your daily life, using what's known as "the change triangle.". Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Our guest today is Hilary Jacobs Handel and her recent book: "It's Not Always Depression: Working The Change Triangle To Listen To The Body Discover Core Emotions And Connect To Your Authentic Self," is, I think, a game changer for you in terms of deepening your experience and being able to bring that fully into your relationship with your spouse, your partner, and your relationships with others in general. As usual we will have a detailed transcript of today's episode. You can get that if you visit Neil-Sattin-dot-com-slash-triangle, because we're talking about the change triangle, or as always you can text the word passion to the number 3-3-4-4-4 and follow the instructions. So let us dive in to the change triangle and discover how to get even more in touch with who we are at our core and how to bring that into the world. Hilary Jacobs Hendall, thank you so much for being here with us today on Relationship Alive. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Thank you Neil. I am delighted to be here talking about my favorite subjects, of emotions and relationships. Neil Sattin: Perfect. Well we're on the same page then, definitely. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes we are. Neil Sattin: And I do want to mention before we get too deep in, that if you are a visual person and need a visual representation of the triangle that we're talking about then that's also available both on Hilary's Web site, which will announce in a little bit, and also at Neil-Sattin-dot-com-slash-triangle, where we have the transcripts. You'll be able to to see it in front of you if that's required. But we'll do our best to to make it, make it real for you as we're talking about it. Neil Sattin: So Hilary, why, why is it so important to get in touch with our core emotions and and how do we distinguish core emotions from just that emotional wash that can come, come at us or come over us throughout our day? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Well, it's, there's many reasons why it's important to get, not only get it, well understand the different types of emotions and to get in touch with emotions and to be able to discern what you're what you're feeling and what you're experiencing. Because most of us live up in our heads. And thoughts are fantastic and we need them. And I love my thoughts but it's half the picture of knowing who you are and what you need and what's good for you and what's bad for you. And core emotions are these biologically wired survival programs that really tell us, at the core, so much about what we who we are and what we need that if we're not listening to them and our society really teaches us to avoid them and block them, which I think is responsible for the epidemic we're seeing in depression and anxiety and so many mental health issues, that, and we don't learn anything about emotions, that, that without knowing about emotions and understanding how they work, we're really at a huge disadvantage to thrive in life. Neil Sattin: Right, when you're able to identify the emotional experience that you're having, it gives you clues as to how you need to best respond to the world in the moment with whatever is going on in your life. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly and I think what's become more and more important for me, just to say from the beginning to the people listening out there, is that this is not about wearing emotions on our sleeve. This is not about looking for an excuse to act out or behave badly, to rage or to cry, experiencing emotions is a wholly internal process it has nothing to do with what we actually then show to others, or, or enact. It may, but I'm, we're always trying to think about what is constructive for us, constructive for the person we are with. It's not about an excuse to behave badly and I think we live in an emotion phobic culture partly because people don't understand that, they think "Oh my gosh, you know, if we're all into our emotions it's just gonna be you know not good. It's just, it's..." I'm only thinking of curse words now that would come out and explain like a shit show, but I'm just you know that type of a thing. And this is a very thoughtful process that I am talking about that only helps us. There, there is no downside to getting in touch with emotions the way that I am thinking about it and the way that I try to educate others. Neil Sattin: Right, what you just said is such an important distinction that we're talking about a constructive way to meet your emotions and to metabolize them into something that's beneficial not just for you but for the other people in your orbit or for life in, in general. And you know we had Harriet Lerner on the show to talk about her seminal work, "The Dance of Anger," and turning anger into, into a constructive emotional phenomenon. And I love how in your book it's not always depression you talk about each of these core emotions and we're talking about emotions like sadness and fear and anger and disgust, and we're also talking about emotions like joy or excitement or sexual excitement. Lust I think is the way that Jaak Panskepp talks about it. And we're talking about all of those core programs that you just mentioned and looking at how they lead to our common good. The common benefit and also ways to know when, when something's coming at us that really isn't healthy and and how to respond effectively to that. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly right. In particular with using anger to set limits and boundaries and to assert ourselves without being aggressive. Neil Sattin: Right. Right which you're able to do when you've figured out "Wow I'm, I'm really angry. And here's why I'm angry right now." And so it becomes less about telling someone that you're angry and more about setting an effective limit with them. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes, and I would add an additional piece: it's, it's also working with that anger internally to to discharge some of that energy that causes us to, to act too quickly, and act, and say mean things or do hurtful things, so that there's techniques to work with the energy that, that most emotions have and that grip us into impulses right and these impulses have to be thought through very, very up, down and sideways, before we decide to say something or do something that we really want to be thoughtful about ourselves and the action that wants to come out. Neil Sattin: Right. Yeah. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: It's hard work too,  this is a lifelong process. Neil Sattin: Yeah. So important to name that and, and for you, listening, we're going, we're gonna get to some of these techniques of how to really integrate and and process your emotional experience in the way that Hilary was just naming. And I want to say too that well, as you know I read a lot of books for this show and I love the ones that just right out of the gate, I'm like, "This book is gonna make a difference in my life." And I definitely felt that reading your book it's so practical and in some ways the title is misleading because I think people see it and they think "Oh this is a book about depression. I'm not sure that impacts me." And so I want to encourage everyone listening that this is really a book about what we're talking about: how do you encounter your own emotional experience and chew it up in a way that's beneficial for you and then bring that into how you how you interact with the world around you. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah exactly. And I think you're right about the title. I guess if the title was exactly what it should be, it would say "This is a basic emotion education that you should have received in high school," and hopefully one day people will. But it's something that every, everybody knows that the title came from the article that I wrote for The New York Times back in 2015 and because the article went viral and so many people responded to it, that Random House said let's just name the book that. And you know it's not always depression what is it? It's really life, and how surviving our childhoods and all the adversity that life entails affects us emotionally and what happens when you block those emotions and what happens when you embrace those emotions and learn to work with them. And it's it's it's a fork in the road. And it matters. Neil Sattin: Yes. Yeah. So let's start with talking about "the change triangle," because I think identifying the three different corners of the triangle will be really helpful for everyone in understanding what we're talking about because why is it a triangle, why isn't it just like well you've got to have your core emotional experience, and there, there's more to it. And this was where your book was so eye opening for me in many ways, was getting to see oh these kinds of things that I experience< they're happening because I'm, I, I'm trying to I'm trying to protect myself from a core emotional experience as an example. So, I think as we as we dive in this is going to make a lot more sense for everyone listening. So, where's a good place to start, Hilary? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: I think just a quickly, describe it and and what I, I'll try to bring it to life a little bit. Neil Sattin: Great. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: So for everybody listening you want to imagine an upside down triangle superimposed on your body. The point of the triangle is in your core, you know, somewhere between your stomach and, and your, under your ribs. And that's because, and that's, at the bottom of the triangle is where core emotions are and they're in the body and that's why I'm asking you to imagine them in your core. And they're, the core emotions to say them again are: fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement. And each of those have their own unique programs and they're very simple in a way, you know, when something, when somebody hurts us... Well let's just take anger because it's something that we all struggle with in our culture. And there's so many myths about anger, but anger is there basically to protect us. Anger and fear. And when when somebody attacks us. And I always think about how these were designed to be sort of, hundreds of thousands of years ago, if somebody wanted to kill you, and, and had a threatening pose or gesture you would evoke anger in the middle of the brain, like where all core emotions are evoked, and then it sends out a myriad of responses to all organs of the body to ready the body for an action and that action is meant to be adaptive for survival. So anger will make us kind of want to make a fist and put up our dukes and get ready to attack. And it come, it's visceral. We all know that experience of when someone we care about insults us or doesn't do something that we really needed to and there's energy in the body and our, and we get tension in the body and we really feel like we want to lash out. So it's a full body experience and each of the core emotions have their own program that has an, uh, an uh, group of physical sensations that we can learn to recognize and name, and each of the core emotions has an impulse to action that we can learn to recognize, and, and explain and name, and, and an impulse to action, that we are, that it's pulling for us to do. And it's that whole experience that we want to get really good at recognizing and that is really just a part of knowing ourselves. The, the emotions react similarly in everybody. But there is nuance in everyone. So the way that I experience anger will be differently than the way you experience anger, Neil. And that's the same for all the core emotions. Neil Sattin: Great. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: So that's the bottom of the triangle. Does that make sense? Neil Sattin: Perfect. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: OK. Now there's uh, there's three corners of the triangle, which I'm going to explain. But there is a fourth point here and I'm just going to share it real quickly now because when we have a core emotion, we're at a fork in the road and there's base likely two ways it can go. We can bury that emotion and push it away and block it and then we're going to be moving to the top of the triangle. Or, we can validate it, name it, and work with the experience that it's evoking, in which case we get to this place that I put on the bottom of the triangle. That's called the "open hearted state of the authentic self." And what that is basically, a more practical way of saying, is it's a regulated state of mind and body and that when we are with our core emotions, and we let them process through, and we are allowed to experience them, and again nothing has actually happened yet in the outside world it's wholly internal, it's a way that comes the body back down. Because core emotions come up they kind of cause an arousal of the nervous system like a wave. You ride the wave and then they come down. And if we don't block them the energy kind of naturally will dissipate over time, and in ways and techniques that we can help with that, and then we come back to this kind of calm state, where our mind and body feel relaxed, and in that state good things happened, and there's a bunch of c-words that I borrowed from Richard Schwartz with his permission, where when we stay in this kind of calm regulated state, we are more curious, we feel more connected, we have a greater capacity for compassion for ourselves and other people, we tend to feel more confident because we can deal with our own emotions and we feel more courageous in life and we have more clarity of thought. So you obsess less. So this is where we all want to spend more time. Neil Sattin: Definitely. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: And it's not that it's the goal to spend all our time there, right? That's impossible because life happens but that's where we want to spend more and more time. And so working this change triangle to get back to core emotions and to go through them down to this calm state is the whole point of this. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I think it's important to mention that too, that we're describing this, this static image but it implies a process that you can go through in order to get to the openhearted state of self energy that that Hilary's just described. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Right, because we're moving around this triangle all day every day many times and it's what we do that matters and then we're also kind of moving around in this triangle in life on a macro level spending less time in our defensive states and more time in the openhearted state. So. So that's sort of a sort of a micro and a global way to look at it. Neil Sattin: Great. So then when you have that core when you're when some core emotional response comes up, you said you're at a fork in the road and you can head, you can ride the wave and and get to that core self state or... Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Or like most of us do, because that's what we're taught to do in our society, is we tend to block them. And so the top of the triangle if we move to the top right that corner is labeled inhibitory emotions and the inhibitory emotions which everyone will recognize are anxiety, guilt, and shame. And again what they have in common is that they all push down, and block, and bury core emotional experience, in purpose for the purpose of pretty much getting along in our society. There are more social emotions, so that if the core emotions are the selfish emotions what's good for me the inhibitory emotions are, "How do I curb my own impulses and desires, so that I stay in the good graces, good graces of initially my mother and then my father and my siblings, my family, then my peer groups, my uh, by then you know as you broaden into society, my religious groups, my, oh, my collegial groups..." That we it's so important for human survival to get along. So in a way there's a fundamental conflict here. So, so the inhibitory emotions when we it's the way that we block our core emotions. And so what we end up doing is noticing that we have anxiety, for example, and if we have anxiety we know that we're on the top right hand corner of the triangle. But what that means practically, is that we also know that we are inhibiting some core emotional experience that if we can get to and name, and, and, and use, we will likely feel less anxious. Feel much better and I can give an example of this, but, then the way we do this is with muscular contraction, all sorts of maneuvers that anxiety, shame, and guilt block these core emotions and for different purposes. And some of us will feel more shame, some more anxiety. You know, we have to mix in genetics and disposition here, and then the environment for why we end up feeling ashamed or guilty or anxious. Neil Sattin: Right and something that feels important to name right here is the way that you can feel those inhibitory emotions from a core positive emotional experience as much as a core negative. And I'm kind of putting those words in quotes because I think what we're getting at here is that they all have the capacity to be positive but one might not think like, "Oh you know, I'm, I'm experiencing shame because I'm feeling too much joy right now," or "I'm too excited. And so my anxiety is coming in to to block that, or my guilt about being excited about this thing.". Hilary Jacobs Hendel: That is so crucial and the more that I do this work in psychotherapy and just observe the people that I'm with, the more I believe that it's the larger emotions. I wouldn't even say so... I think you're right, that people block joy and excitement and pride in the self and anything that makes us feel physically bigger. It's kind of fascinating you can almost reduce all below the neck deep experience into emotions that have energy that makes us feel larger, which is dangerous when we take up more space and we feel bigger, we tend to experience some inhibition either anxiety, guilt or shame. And so people tend to stay small and in a way people go negative... I'm not so sure anymore, which came firrt, err, do people kind of move into negative thoughts to keep them small? Because there's some core fear? Or is it that it's a it's a way not to feel big? I dunno if it gets sort of too complicated. But you can start to think of everything as almost like amoebas like am getting bigger or I'm getting smaller? And to begin to understand one's experience as, "Is this an expansive emotion now, that I'm feeling, like, joy and pride, and anger?" In which case it's going to make me feel vulnerable and then I'm going to come down on myself with some anxiety or shame or guilt. So that's just getting to what you were saying about people struggle with feeling good. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah. So it could go either way. And, and what I love is this sense of, "Oh. When I notice shame or anxiety or guilt that the problem isn't the shame or the anxiety or guilt." That's, the I don't want to spend all my time there, because they're indicating that there's a deeper core experience that's happening and that's where the the gold is. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly. That's where the gold is. Now. I think it's also important to mention that that, we're talking about kind of detrimental levels of anxiety, shame and guilt here, that the shame has a purpose too. Guilt has a purpose. Like when we do something that hurts somebody else it's good that we feel guilty. That means that we're not a sociopath and so we want to listen to the shame. Listen to the guilt. Listen to the anxiety. And we also know that we have to look for our core emotions. So, it's, it's both because the inhibitory emotions are going to bring us to the relationship piece. But we also need to know what we're feeling so that we can express ourselves to, to yourself and to others. Neil Sattin: Yeah and I will say just as a side note your, your chapter on dealing with anxiety shame and guilt. I think it's also super helpful along with creating self compassion but for understanding the other people in your life and what might be motivating certain behaviors that you experience from them. That was, in many respects, worth the price of admission for the book because that's part of what's going on is not only understanding yourself but being able to see these things happening in other people and to, and to recognize how it might be impacting them as well. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes. So we can understand ourselves and others and I've had so many people read the book and tell me that they thought it should be in the Parenting section of the bookstore because we also want to understand our children's emotions so we don't unwittingly cause too much shame and guilt and anxiety when it can be avoided just by the education and emotions. Neil Sattin: Yeah yeah they should have a "self parenting" section in the bookstore. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah. Self parenting, and parenting though, there's so much you know parents mean well, I made so many mistakes. If I had had this at this book in my 20s that would have spared me and my children a lot of heartache and I know most people feel that way. Most people have intent to do good. And if you don't have proper information, and you're just basing things on what you sort of intuition and how you were raised and what society says then it's easy to make mistakes anyway, easy to make mistakes, and we're not free that you know there's no way not to screw up your children on some level but you just want to know what's going on in the emotion department. It's really, really helpful. Neil Sattin: Yeah. So we've covered the bottom corner of the triangle the core emotions, and the top right which is these inhibitory emotions that are are meant to block or suppress the core emotions. Neil Sattin: What's up with the with the other corners triangle. : So and again if we go back to that this is superimposed on the body. The point is of course in core emotions as in is in the gut area and then we're coming up. So anxiety and defenses are kind of sitting above the shoulders, is how I imagine them because they're out of, they kind of take us out of our body, they take us up into our head. And so because emotions, core emotions feel so at best they feel weird and new if you don't know what they are, and, and at worst they feel awful emotions and core emotions, and inhibitory emotions when they come in, in large doses and they come, many at one time and they're all mixed together... It's a horrible experience and a horrible feeling. And so we then tend to want to avoid the whole enchilada and we move into defenses and that's the topped, top left corner of the triangle. And defenses are basically anything we do to avoid feeling something that we don't want to feel and I don't even mean it in a pejorative sense I always say that that defenses, as I learned in AEDP training, which was so helpful, are really these brilliant creative maneuvers that humans can do to spare themselves pain as opposed to in my psychoanalytic training... I don't want to sell psychoanalysis down the river because I got a lot out of my studies there, but there was always this negative sense of bad, that you're doing something bad, and you're resisting and that defenses are bad and I think that defenses really need to be appreciated for one when they hold up. They get us through life. And two, when they don't hold up and we break through and start to have symptoms of depression or anxiety or many other things that we needed them at one time those defenses and now they're not working so well and then we need to embrace other ways of being that bring us peace and calm. Neil Sattin: So defenses are like toward the, the last stop on the on the train. They're, they're, they're meant to help you not feel anything. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes. Exactly. Or to for, to exchange one emotion for for something else like defenses... Emotions can be used as defenses. For example, I would, you know, my whole younger life, if I felt scared or vulnerable I sort of had a more of an irritable, crusty armor and I would get angry and I would try to curtail it a lot because I had a really sweet, gentle mom and a really sweet, gentle sister and I was kind of the, the, the, the tougher one in the family. So I was always working hard to be quote sweet like like my mom. But I felt it. I felt it and I really didn't understand. I would beat myself up for you know, Why, why do I feel angry?" And it was really a big defense against fear. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: I had no idea I had no idea even I was the one that I was anxious when I was younger because it was just kind of covered by this kind of this kind of tough armor. Neil Sattin: Right. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Or how many people do we know that might be feeling fear but instead go to like humor or lightheartedness, instead of instead of being able to go to that place. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly. And so there are so many ways we can use defenses can be emotions. They can we can use behaviors as defenses. Self-destructive behaviors like, like cutting just behaviors like joking, making, being sarcastic, eye rolls, shrugs this is like body language defenses, not being able to make eye contact. There is, there is a myriad of defenses and I list a ton of them in the book and on my website. And you can try to recognize your own defenses which is probably one of the hardest things to do. It's much easier to see other people than ourselves and so you could probably much more easily recognize the defenses in the people in your family. But it's good to begin to recognize our own defenses so that we can loosen them up a little bit and know what the feelings are underneath them and then it kind of, gives us more resilience, more choices for how to be. Neil Sattin: Yeah if we wanted perspective from an outsider that we more or less trusted about our defenses what would you say is a is a safe way to ask for that from another person? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: That's such a wonderful question. I think it's not only the safe way to ask for it, but I think you're saying to make sure that person is safe is a safe person to be vulnerable with. Yeah, because what we really want to spare ourselves, as much as possible, is the excruciating experience of being shamed or humiliated. So, I think I would say and I do say this to my to my husband and my children, even friends sometimes: "Please let me know if I do something that..." I mean it's not so much as a defense, I would say, "Please let me know if I do something that you don't like or that hurts your feelings or that doesn't feel right." And then I guess if I was asking it I think I would just leave it at that. I'm concerned for the people out there listening who might say that to somebody they care about who doesn't have a lot of therapy background or understand emotions that might not be so gentle. So, I think you could always say: "But, be please be gentle with me." You know and I believe in using humor and lightheartedness in relationships a lot, but you know be be gentle. But I do want to know.... Yes. Neil Sattin: Yeah. No, I think that's great to name that desire for for gentleness or just to point out like, it's, "It's kind of tender or vulnerable for me to even be asking you this but I know that you may see, something that I don't see." Yeah. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: That's it's such an interesting question Neil. No one's ever asked me that and I think it's because most people get feedback from their family, when they're, when they're acting in ways that are are not pleasurable and they they might not all be defensive maneuvers some may be just like self care. Like I don't want to do this. Setting a limit or a boundary and then somebody reacts badly to that. But some of it would be defensive. So again, it's sort of interesting to think about. Neil Sattin: Right and I think if you're not inviting someone into that conversation, then the feedback that you're getting is most likely not coming at you either at a moment where you're truly receptive to it, or in a manner that's that's constructive.   Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Mhmm. Exactly. Constructive being the operative word. Neil Sattin: Yeah. So we we found our way up to the top. And let's talk about what the process would look like if I noticed, "Oh I'm about to do that defensive thing that I always do." So maybe for someone like I'll just kind of out myself here, I might go to a political blog or to Facebook or something like that. I'm doing that, it doesn't serve any real constructive purpose in my life. So, even though, you know, you could argue about being informed or whatever but when I notice that I'm doing that, what would be the steps that I would want to take to help bring me into identifying whether or not there was a core emotional experience at work? And I think, especially because we as adults... Like these patterns are pretty well developed for us. So, so it may be a bit of a journey to find your way down into into your core, but what's, what's the map look like? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah. Yeah but I think very possible, and, and I like your example, which I'm going to address. And you know, we could also use the example of reaching for a snack when you're not hungry or reaching for a drink right after work. Right? These are all these kind of they're just sort of automatic defensive behaviors and they don't serve us. So what I do is, you know, for all these examples is the first thing we have to be able to do is notice, right? If we don't notice what we're doing then we can't work the change triangle at all. And the way you get good at noticing is really by slowing down. We can't really notice much about how we're feeling if we're moving fast, it just tends to obscure or we just stay up in our head and our thoughts are churning and it kind of numbs us out below the neck. So, I when I'm teaching new people this you know you can just set aside, you can write in your, in your inner, in your, in your calendar, in your phone, you know, just set aside three times a day and remember to kind of check in and observe what you're doing. Meditation, obviously, is a great practice for this. So, let's say you actually notice that you're about to go check, what did you say Facebook or the political blogs? Neil Sattin: Right side or more or more likely I'd, I'd be you know five or 10 minutes in, and I'd be like, "Wait a minute here I am. You know here I am on Facebook again.". Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Good. Good. OK. So before, or during... Neil Sattin: Just being, just being honest. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah of course. You know, join the rest of humanity. That's great. So what you would do is stop what you're doing. And you would, kind of feel your feet on the ground like you instructed me to do before this, and, before we started, and maybe take a few deep breaths to kind of set the stage for noticing. And then I personally especially in the beginning would ask myself I would kind of scan my body head to toe, and toe to head, and just kind of see what I can notice about my physical state. Am I tense? Am I anxious? I might even go through all of the emotions and ask myself, "OK Hilary,or Neil, you know, do you notice any anxiety now check? Do you notice any shame? No, not right now. Do you notice any guilt? No. OK, so we've got some anxiety. What else? Let's see if we can get below that anxiety and see what else we might be feeling". And you may want to bring in the context of what's going on in your life also and what might be affecting you. So let's say, uh, this is the day my, my, my kid goes off to kindergarten. What else is happening today? I have work stress, what not. So then I might ask myself, "Is any of these things in life causing me fear? Check." And then we want to go through all the core emotions, do I feel angry? No. Do I feel sad? Check. And you want to name all the emotions that you possibly can but kind of holding them all together like, as I tell my patients, try to hold all the emotions but imagining them with lots of air and space between each one, because we have to, we have to attend to each emotion separately. Another way that I say it, is don't say "I feel afraid but I also feel sadness." I want to change the "but" to an "and." "I feel sad, and I feel afraid, and I feel excited, and I feel happy." And once we get a lot of emotions going at the same time it's a lot of energy. We can automatically push those down because we don't know we can handle it all. Feel some anxiety and then boom. Reaching for a political blog. So, that would be the idea to try to start to name the emotions and then just by doing that just by naming emotions and taking that time to slow down and do that, you might feel much, much more relaxed and in fact it gives you space to think, "OK do I want to continue with the blog? Because this is a good distraction that I need now." Because defenses aren't bad by definition it's only if they're hurting us or if we rely on them all the time. So you may continue to read or you may decide, "You know what. I'm going to go exercise instead or I'm going to go tell my partner how I'm feeling about everything going on." That type of thing, and that's the last step is to think through, what's the best thing for me right now? If I don't feel better and I'm trying to change my state what are some things that, that helped me feel better where I can take better care of myself. Or you may want to work with one of these emotions using some of the techniques that I, that I outline in the book. Staying with them in the body or imagining using fantasy to discharge some of the energy. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I definitely want to talk about fantasy, but before we go there, I, I just want to name that for me even though I knew this to be true it was really a revelation to stop and think about what that's like, that we can be experiencing fear and disgust and joy and sexual excitement that we could be feeling all of those things at the same time. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes. Neil Sattin: Each one calling out for potentially a completely different kind of response. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes. Neil Sattin: So, no wonder we get all bound up with anxiety or overwhelm or feel any any of those things that just kind of paralyze us in a moment. Or if we, if we name one and we just kind of go with the first thing, "Oh, I'm feeling sad right now," and then you neglect the others, how you could feel incomplete in terms of actually processing the experience that you're having. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly. Exactly and that's why it's so important to keep sort of searching when you notice one particular emotion to just keep looking around. What else is there? And to, it really helps to kind of run through that checklist. I still do that I've been practicing this a long time and I, I run through the different emotions and once you name them and search for them you know you might even find them. I say to my patients, "Even there's you know just check for like a little molecule of joy there, or a little molecule of sadness, and then if you find it you know, Oh maybe I need to actually make space for this particular emotion I spend so much time, you know, really orienting myself towards my anger, that I'm missing out on what the sadness or the fears telling me.". Neil Sattin: Yeah. I was I was searching for a good acronym while, while I was reading the book, I was like there must be a good one for those core emotions to like help people just kind of do the, do the checklist. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah. Did you find one? Because I looked hard also. Neil Sattin: Not yet but I'll let you know if I can. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah. Yeah. Neil Sattin: And there's not a good one for all those C's when you're when you're... But I do like how you also offer that as an example of looking for you know am I feeling calm, right now? Am I feeling clear? Am I feeling compassionate? To be able to go through that list to find the nuances of your experience right now and to highlight, "Okay here are ways that I am feeling courageous even though at the same time I'm getting all this, this tremulous fear going through my body. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes, exactly. And I think even sometimes you can bypass the whole thing and just really try to shift into those states if you don't like what you're feeling right now and it's a particularly a great idea when you're about to have a conversation with somebody important to you, to before you do try to, try to just see if you can shift into a calmer, certainly more curious standpoint, more state, where you can try to take a couple of deep breaths and access some curiosity, so we don't make assumptions about another person's motives because they're often incorrect you know we make up our own stories and then we believe them without checking them out. And to try to lean into connection, so that, let's say you know again your partner really pisses you off. It's important, and the brain doesn't naturally do this, you have to push, put energy behind this idea of remembering the good things somebody has done to kind of take the steam out of the uh... You know, we can rev ourselves up with anger and start to think it's like chaining, you then, everything that someone ever did to hurt you comes back with a vengeance. Unless we really pull the other way and say, "OK, what is why do I love this person." Or if I can't remember that I loved him at one point, you know what is it that I used to love about this person and try to conjure those that part of it as well. It takes energy. It's not easy because we're really pulled to tough places and we have to use mental energy to pull ourselves back and it doesn't feel good at first, always. Neil Sattin: Yeah yeah. Wow so many different directions that I'm going in at the moment. I think first I just want to name, it's really lovely the way that you show the integration of AEDP work through the vignettes, vignettes that you offer in your book, and also internal family systems and working with different parts of you, younger parts. If you're a listener for, and you have been for a while then you've perhaps heard the interviews we've done with Dick Schwartz, the most recent one is episode I wrote this down episode 140, where so you can you can get a sense of how the two modalities work really well together, fit super well together. And so all of that work to get to understand and process and metabolize your emotional experience, and to learn how to show up for yourself can come through what we've been talking about today and can also be helped by getting to identify the places in you that are stuck in a past experience. And the reason that I wanted to bring that up is because you were just talking about like the the possibility of skipping to connection and calmness, or doing what you can to to get to that place especially if you're going to reach out to someone that's important to you. And I liked how you also bring in the work of Peter Levine and talk about how all of this energy that emotions bring up in, in us when they're not processed when, when that energy isn't metabolized, then that is what creates trauma in our bodies -- that, that stuck energy that never quite got released. And so some of those stories in your book are just were so moving to me, as I, as I read them and got to see like oh right there's another nuance of how this could apply to me or to my clients. And so really beautiful, I think, to to see it written out like that but let's get into a little bit more of the... Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Thank you by the way. Neil Sattin: Yeah yeah you're welcome. Let's get into the metabolizing and in particular let's talk about fantasy, because that use of the imagination and how it can help I think can be so powerful for us when we, when we're wrestling with that question of: "Well, I feel so angry or I feel so sad or bereft or whatever it is, and I don't know like I want to bring it to that person I want them to feel my anger. I want them to see the depths of my sadness." How can we do it in a way that's actually going to be more productive and give us the satisfaction of truly handling and, and, and giving our body some relief from those unfulfilled impulses? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah. That's, that's, that's, that's a question that has many levels because I think what I'm first responding to is this idea of wanting someone to see and wanting to really be seen, in with one's emotions. And so I think that is legitimate. And, and then there are times when that's all somebody sees and they get weary. So it's it's really... you have to keep a lot in mind. So, I thought you were just going to kind of ask me about working with child parts and releasing stuck energy as a sort of either, either as an alone process or with a therapist and then you surprised me when you brought in this idea of, if you bring it into relationship and that makes it all sort of like it, I think we have to deal with one and then the other. Neil Sattin: Yeah let's start with a first part.: Yeah, let's start with the first part... Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah. Neil Sattin: ...which would be that the inner process that we might go through, and then and then we can bridge into bringing that into relationship. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Great. Great. So, I now I really consider myself a trauma therapist and I now think of trauma as something that everybody has just from surviving their childhoods. And so then we were changing the definition of trauma. This is still very controversial. You hear the word trauma, which most people still think of as a, as a some major catastrophic event happening, that is trauma. I'm adding on to that something that is also called small-T trauma -- which many people in the trauma field object to because it's it's sort of putting a value judgment on trauma. That one is smaller or bigger, which is, I want to say, that, that's not the case it's just some way to to differentiate different types of trauma. And small-T trauma is really what I believe everybody has, and small-T trauma is really, um, can be from so, so many, so many things that actually happened in our childhood. But the bottom line is, and I'm sure Diana Faucheux and David Marr spoke about this in the other episodes, that whenever we have too much emotion which happens a lot when we're children because our brains are full of emotion and very powerful emotion. So when there's too much emotion and too much aloneness at the same time, then the mind figures out a way to kind of block it. So it's not overwhelming. And then once that happens a lot where we're kind of blocking whole parts of ourselves and whole experiences and those are these little kind of child parts that we all have that are alone these kind of child parts of us exist alone because they had to be kind of cordoned off. So this, this happens you know if you have... In most families there's a parent that doesn't tolerate a certain emotion and so when you feel that emotion you are really told, you know, to put it away or get over it or you're yelled at or it's not acknowledged. So that kind of thing, on a small level, becomes big because when we have to exclude parts of our experience then they are literally excluded in the mind, they're not integrated. They're not connected to other parts of the... of us. So these are the the parts when I use the word parts from Richard Schwartz or in psychoanalytic literature they were called interjects. That we might have absorbed parts of our parents in us. It can be many, many different things but these are the parts that sort of live on with us, within us and they can get triggered and then we can start to react. The reaction is, is not really commensurate with what happens in our adult relationships. So, I think everyone can relate to like just when somebody pokes you in that just wrong place and you felt the feeling many, many times before and you can kind of track it back into fourth grade when you were bullied or ostracized, or you can track it back to sixth grade when you started to know that your sexuality or gender wasn't the same as the people around you or you were punished too severely, yelled at, you know all these or somebody you loved died when you were young or got sick or there was substance abuse, active substance abuse in the family, all these type of things and then these parts of us hold... They have their own triangles in a way and we need to be with those parts and liberate those old emotions so that they don't fire off and cause havoc in our adult relationships and inside us and make us feel bad all the time. Neil Sattin: Yes. So we can, so you can get related to in a particular moment. The part of you that is feeling, that is having this emotional experience and to what was happening at the time and the way that you portray that in the book, I think is, is a great illustration of how to go through this process for someone and then talk about if you could, that, taking it to that next level of where you incorporate fantasy as a way of helping either a younger part or just helping yourself in the present with an emotional feeling how you could actually kind of burn off some of that energy before you're bringing it out, into how you connect with the world. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah I guess I'll use the, we could take any emotion and you can change this, but I'm going to, I'm going to go with these big energy emotions that are common like how you burn off as you say anger energy and also kind of feeling good about the self prideful energy both of these create a lot of anxiety and depression in people when they're blocked. And so I really like to, to harp on let's liberate this, this energy and how can we do it in a safe way. So one of the the the most effective ways to work with anger is, and I use this a lot myself... And I'm sort of pausing here because as people listen to this, it may seem kind of crazy. But we begin with the fundamental idea that the brain doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality in certain, in emotional ways. And we know this from experiments where somebody imagines running and they're hooked up to an FMRI, that they imagine they're running. And there is movement in the in the parts of the brain as if they were actually running. So... And we see this every day in clinical practice. So, let's say I am angry, I'm going to take my sweet and wonderful husband John as an example here because I use him all the time. Let's say John does something, and he really doesn't anymore, we really get along quite well. But let's say he did something that really, really threw me into a rage. What I have learned to do and practice many times is before I go talk to him about it, I will, I know I will be able to identify that I am angry, right? And rage is sort of all emotions are on a spectrum from a little irritation or annoyance to outright rage. I will know, I will be able to say to myself: I am enraged. I will be able to feel that deeply in my body a burning energy in my stomach and a, and a movement of energy that wants to come right up and out, and I will not do anything, but I will focus in on that energy, listening to it with a kind of curiosity, kind of tuning in like a radio receiver feeling it deeply and seeing what that energy wants to do to John and it might want to just, so I and then I try to make it into a fantasy. So the idea is I'm noticing that if that energy could come up and out of me in a fantasy or a movie like, let it play out in a movie I would see myself just like punching the crap out of him. Like that's how angry I am that I really want to hurt him. And then I will allow myself in a fantasy to imagine doing that. And I do this in sessions for people that have a lot of pent up energy from being abused as children and neglected and various very hurtful things that were done to them. So I can see myself actually doing what this anger wants to do and trying to really even feel it as I see myself making contact with skin. And just let it... Imagining it and imagining it, watching it and watching it and watching it, and doing it and doing it and doing it in fantasy, until it feels done. Like the the energy will discharge and will drain out. And then when I tune back into my body, I'll feel probably tired and a little more calm so that I can then gather my wits about me and go back and say, and say, "We need to talk about what you did. I was so furious because you hurt me so badly when you did this this and this. And I never ever want you to do that again." That type of thing as opposed to storming out, I wanted divorce, you know this isn't working or attacking him you know verbally abusing him for everything that he's ever done, and which isn't going to help, it's going, it may feel better in the moment. And then I'm going to feel guilty afterwards. He's going to withdraw. It's going to escalate a fight and it's going to increase our disconnection. Neil Sattin: Yes. . Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Does that make sense? Neil Sattin: Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. And one thing that I think you mention in the book is how often you can go with that initial like you're feeling all that anger and rage and seeing that. And then when that is finally discharged through imagining this scenario, that it leaves room for another core emotion to rise up. So it may not end there, it may be that after you experience your rage, you then experience your sadness or your fear. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly. Neil Sattin: And so there's there's a lot there to be processed and what you named so beautifully was the problem not only with having those experiences, but, or emotions but having them and feeling alone and how showing up for yourself in this way also undoes that aloneness. I think that's such a powerful aspect of the work as you describe it. It's also so powerful in my experience of Dick Schwartz's work in IFS, that it it's kind of undoing aloneness with yourself not that you don't want to get to a place where you're inviting other people in. But, it also just builds such resilience knowing that in a moment like that, a powerfully charged moment, you actually have the capacity to to do something about it. Just you. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly. And in that sort of reminds me to say that when you are connecting to yourself in that way, one has to have the utmost compassion and empathy as though you were relating to your own child or pet who you love or someone that you really cared about that you would never hurt. It's really unconditional love and positive regard, and not shaming yourself not judging yourself. Right? Because fantasy is so fabulous it doesn't hurt anybody. Even though some people get scared you know, when a lot of people that have a lot of trauma or even a little trauma, and I first kind of try to teach them how to do this. They... Guilt comes up and they're like," Well I don't feel good about myself. You know good people don't do this," and and I was like, "Well I'll explain. You know, you don't do it out in real life. That's what we're trying to to prevent." But, the capacity to use fantasy is very, very healthy and that's why it's so important when you have little children to use imaginative play and even as parents listening that when you're one child let's say wants to hit your other child, when they're young, because it's not always easy to have a sibling. Just use this as an example. You don't kind of block the anger and say no you have to love your your sister or brother, and, and we don't hit, you have to find a way to, to accept and to channel it, like we don't hit grown ups and we don't say mean thing -- we don't say we don't hit people and we don't say mean things to people. But here's this doll you can imagine it's your sister. And we can beat it up together and have a good old time. And that way the kid is learning to sublimate -- how to use emotions and play at the exact same time and that it doesn't have to be a toxic experience that the emotions are validated and they have to be released. And it doesn't have to be with again beating up like or even a fantasy of beating up like I just shared about myself. It could be writing these things out, unedited, just writing what you want to say to someone drawing a picture of what you want to say or do to someone. The idea is to just get it out, and it has to work so we not only have to get it out but you have to sort of the next step after this is do I feel calmer. Do I feel better. And if the answer is no, there's either more to be done or there's inhibitory emotions that are getting in the way and complicating it or other emotions that need tending. And it may be that you need to bring it to someone who is a professional to help you do this. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I was going to say this could be a good place to get support. Especially at something. If you're like, Oh, that feels like a big river of rage or grief or whatever it is. Well great. Like it's awesome that you identified that and sit with someone who knows how to help, how to hold you in that. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Exactly. Exactly. Neil Sattin: Well what a rich conversation. And before we go today, Hilary I'm wondering if we can just take a moment to bring this back into the relational realm and, and talk about how, like, if you identify something going on with your partner or something is going on with you and we've talked about taking this space so that you can process and metabolize, is there a way to bring what you now know about the change triangle, maybe into your connections so that you and your partner can now be on the same team with seeing how this dynamic is at work as the two of you come together? What's a good first step, I think, for people to bring this into their relationship? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes. Well, what what I would say as a, as a good first step is to make sure that both of you have the exact same information. So when possible, I really wrote the book to be used in many ways as a, as a workbook and to read the book together with your partner and to go through the exercises gives you just that, you're on the same page. And even though it will take practice over a lifetime to work it together. That at least you have the same bit of knowledge and you've gone through the same exercises which are pretty simple and, and, and, and, and just to say why I put case examples is because emotions have to be experienced. How do you help somebody get a sense for an experience? And that had to be through the stories. So, I would say just to make sure that the person that you're wanting to connect with has some basic emotion education. And... Neil Sattin: Perfect. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: And then after that established ground rules. I wrote a little blog on this for, for, for how to find your life partner on medium that you want to establish ground rules that you won't be mean that nobody is going to attack or retaliate in ways that are dangerous and hurtful and that you don't abandon, so that if a conversation has to stop because it gets hard, and one person gets too anxious, then you then you have to be able to say to each other. I'm overwhelmed I'm not able to really think as I'm talking to you, anymore. Let's take a break but we'll come back and finish this because really in relationships all there, all there is is talking. You have to just keep talking. And then lastly I would say is you want to try to use the change triangle to make sure that, that both people are relating as much as possible from a core place. Either from that openhearted state or from the emotional state of the core emotions where you're saying, you're using I statements like, "I'm afraid," "I feel anger about this," "I feel sadness about this," as opposed to you, you, you, you, you. And that, when you're, when both people move to the top of the triangle, when you're either you're they're anxious or ashamed or guilty or defensive, you really have to stop. Like, I make a time out motion when I'm working with couples or even working in my own relationship, let's stop and then I say let's rewind to where we were going fine and then somehow we went off the rails and then it's usually a miscommunication, or let's stop and take a break and calm down and let's come back tomorrow again sit and have coffee or tea and begin again and see where did we go wrong, where, where, literally if you sort of track moment to moment: You're having a discussion. Everything is going fine. I want to talk about you know, why we, we don't have more fun together and then all of a sudden one person starts to get anxious or you start to, one person starts to get angry then you can literally stop and say, "Let's rewind to right before you, like I felt like I was with you we were connected and then all of a sudden I said, 'Well I don't really you know. You know, you're no fun anymore.' And then I noticed you got defensive." And then that's where you have to work because the person might say, "Yeah. When you told me that I wasn't fun anymore it hurt my feelings. And then I, I went up into the top of the triangle. I started to get defensive." Neil Sattin: That's great. And, and I see to this opportunity for couples who really start to get this together to like, in a state of shame or anxiety or guilt those inhibitory emotions to learn how to show up for each other in those moments to help, settle whatever is going on or to help navigate their partner back into a place of like feeling understood or seen, and that might be a good, a good return visit for you on the show to talk a little bit more about how how they can collaborate in a moment like that to bring themselves back to a core emotional state. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yeah I would love to. Neil Sattin: Hilary Jacobs Hendel, thank you so much for being here. If people want to learn more about your work where can they find you? Hilary Jacobs Hendel: I have a website with tons of free resources all about emotions and that's Hilary-Jacobs-Hendel-dot-com. Or you could just google "the change triangle" and you can also get there by going to "the-change-triangle-dot-com," and there's articles that I've written for major media outlets. There's my blog which the titles are pretty explanatory of what they're about. And then there's a tool box section that has a lot of resources. So that would be the best place. I also have a youtube channel, so I could go over and explain certain aspects of this and I do something called 1 minute videos on emotional health, because everybody's so busy and nobody has an attention span anymore, so that's "The Change Triangle" YouTube station and then my Website. And then of course the book is the whole enchilada because it was what I did is it's got exercises so that you work The Change Triangle along with me as I'm working The Change Triangle with the people in my practice and then there's little bits of no jargon science to explain what's going on because I wouldn't have been interested in any of this had it not been deeply grounded in current neuroscience. That was really important to me. So, that's really gives you the whole kind of flavor of what's going on. Neil Sattin: Great. And again the book is called "It's Not Always Depression" and we will have links to all of that on the page for this episode where you can download the transcript. And that's Neil-Sattin-dot-com-slash-triangle or as always you can text the word passion to the number 3-3-4-4-4 and follow the instructions. Hilary... Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Yes. Can I just say one more thing? Neil Sattin: Yeah of course. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: The book just won two book awards that won the 2018 Best Book Award for psychology and mental health, and the Nautilus Award for personal growth. So I just wanted to share that because I'm hoping that people will read this book and that eventually the, our entire society will be very well educated from an emotional standpoint. I think it can really change things for the better. Neil Sattin: Absolutely and congratulations on those awards. They are well-deserved. You definitely have a gift from taking all of this information and making it really practical for people who read the book. So, big recommend for me. Hilary Jacobs Hendel: Thank you. Thank you.

Author of "It's Not Always Depression," Hilary Jacobs Hendel joins me to discuss: how shame can look like depression7 core emotions3 inhibiting emotions5 defensive emotionsusing fantasy to manage moodshow to resolve childhood traumashow to manage positive emotionsbenefits of shame, anxiety and guilthow to address conflicting emotionsAEDP (accelerated experiential dynamic processing)Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, is author of the critically acclaimed and two-time award-winning book, It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self (Random House, Feb. 2018). She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times, TIME, Oprah, Salon, and professional journals. Hendel also consulted on the psychological development of characters on AMC’s Mad Men. Hilary’s blog on emotions and how to use them for wellbeing is read worldwide. For more FREE resources on emotions and mental health, visit: Hilaryjacobshendel.comFor more information, free resources for mental health, and Hilary's blog visit: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/FB: https://www.facebook.com/AuthorHilaryJacobsHendel/Twitter: @HilaryJHendelInstagram: Hilary Jacobs HendelThe Change Triangle YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxRHckyznerWhoSkPBozgfA

The certified psychoanalyst, author of It's Not Always Depression:Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self and AEDP psychotherapist opens up about her struggles with perfectionism and equating value with achievements, mistakes she has made as a parent, listening to our bodies, discovering our core emotions, how depression can misdiagnosed and advice on bringing about change in our lives using the change triangle. More About Our Guest  For more information, free resources for mental health, and Hilary's blog visit: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/Facebook.com/AuthorHilaryJacobsHendel:https://www.facebook.com/AuthorHilaryJacobsHendel/ Twitter: @HilaryJHendel Instagram: Hilary Jacobs Hendel The Change Triangle YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxRHckyznerWhoSkPBozgfA Support Our Sponsors!  This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp online counseling.  To get a free week go to www.BetterHelp.com/mental  Must be 18.  This episode is sponsored by HoneyBook.  For 50% off your first year use promo code MENTAL This episode is sponsored by Stay Sexy & Don't Get Murdered, the audiobook by Karen Kilgariff & Georgia Hardstark.  Find it wherever you buy your audiobooks. This episode is sponsored by NewChapter Vitamins.  Find them at the Vitamin Shoppe, Whole Foods or your local health food store. This episode is sponsored by the Jordan Harbinger Show podcast.  To subscribe go to www.JordanHarbinger.com/subscribe WAYS TO HELP THE PODCAST ______________________ Subscribe via iTunes and leave a review.  It costs nothing. https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/mental-illness-happy-hour/id427377900?mt=2 ————————————————————————— Spread the word via social media.   It costs nothing. Our website is www.mentalpod.com our FB is www.Facebook.com/mentalpod and our Twitter and Instagram are both @Mentalpod  -------------------------------------------------------- Become a much-needed Patreon monthly-donor (with occasional rewards) for as little as $1/month at www.Patreon.com/mentalpod Become a one-time or monthly donor via Paypal  or Zelle (make payment to mentalpod@gmail.com) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Try Our Sponsor’s Products/Services ---------------------------------------------------

Hilary Jacobs Hendel is back! She joins us to talk about the misconceptions about emotions and how we can educate ourselves and others to further our healing. To relieve her patients’ suffering, psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel switched from practicing traditional talk psychotherapy to Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP). Traditional therapy focuses on people’s thoughts and stories while AEDP is a healing methodology that helps people connect with their core emotions. Hendel teaches us that core emotions like joy, anger, sadness, fear, and excitement, are automatic and universal physical experiences; this is firmly grounded in neuroscience. Lack of access to these core emotions is at the root of anxiety, depression, and many other problems people suffer from today. We can all be taught to rediscover our core emotions with The Change Triangle, an easy to learn tool that Hendel uses to help people move through emotions to a place of calm and which is an important part of healing anxiety and depression. After years of using this tool in her private practice, Hendel was convinced that it could be a life-changing resource for anyone.HILARY JACOBS HENDEL received her BA in Biochemistry from Wesleyan University, and an MSW from Fordham University. She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times and professional journals. Hilary was the Mental Health Consultant for the Emmy Award winning television show Mad Men on AMC. www.hilaryjacobshendel.comwww.aedpinstitute.org

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, is author of the book, It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self (Random House, 2018). She received her BA in biochemistry from Wesleyan University and an MSW from Fordham University. She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times, Time, Oprah.com, and professional journals. Hendel also consulted on the psychological development of characters on AMC’s Mad Men. Free resources at hilaryjacobshendel.com. 

How do you respond to your child when they get angry at you?  Is your answer or reaction also one of anger?  Wouldn’t it be great if we understood what emotions get triggered in us that make us respond the way we do? This podcast with Hilary Jacobs Hendel will help you answer these questions.  Hilary has written a book called “It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self.”  While the title might lead you to think this book is about therapy or psychoanalysis, there is a lot in it to help parents understand where our emotions come from and how we can respond differently to our kids when they are upset; we can also teach them how to deal with their emotions, rather than throwing up defenses to avoid them. You can find Hilary at www.Hilaryjacobshendel.com and her book will be released tomorrow – February 6th.  It’s available now at Amazon. 

To relieve her patients’ suffering, psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel switched from practicing traditional talk psychotherapy to Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP). Traditional therapy focuses on people’s thoughts and stories while AEDP is a healing methodology that helps people connect with their core emotions. Hendel teaches us that core emotions like joy, anger, sadness, fear, and excitement, are automatic and universal physical experiences; this is firmly grounded in neuroscience. Lack of access to these core emotions is at the root of anxiety, depression, and many other problems people suffer from today. We can all be taught to rediscover our core emotions with The Change Triangle, an easy to learn tool that Hendel uses to help people move through emotions to a place of calm and which is an important part of healing anxiety and depression. After years of using this tool in her private practice, Hendel was convinced that it could be a life-changing resource for anyone.HILARY JACOBS HENDEL received her BA in Biochemistry from Wesleyan University, and an MSW from Fordham University. She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times and professional journals. Hilary was the Mental Health Consultant for the Emmy Award winning television show Mad Men on AMC. She lives in New York City.www.hilaryjacobshendel.comwww.aedpinstitute.org

This month we are celebrating Therapy Chat! Therapy Chat's 2nd birthday is coming up this month, we recently achieved our first month of 50,000 downloads, and the 100th episode is coming out at the end of this month! Listen to my interview with Hilary Jacobs Hendel, which was the 4th most popular episode overall since Therapy Chat started! She talks about accessing core emotions in psychotherapy and her upcoming book, It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to your Authentic Self. She also talks about her work consulting on the AMC TV show, Mad Men, one of Laura's favorites for its accurate depiction of someone who is tortured by his past and doesn't realize what is affecting him.  Visit Hilary's website for all the latest details on what she's up to: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/  Also, go to https://therapychatpodcast.com to leave a message using Speakpipe. Tell Laura which episode is your favorite and why. Your message may be used in the upcoming 100th episode celebration later in August!  To get the details about the Authentic Self Retreat and the Authentic Therapist Retreat co-hosted by Laura Reagan and Charlotte Hiler Easley, visit: https://laurareaganlcswc.com/retreats-1  Thanks for your support! Therapy Chat wouldn't be what it is without you!

Welcome to episode 70 of the Therapy Chat Podcast with host Laura Reagan, LCSW-C. This week’s guest features Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW. Hilary was gracious enough to speak to me again after a fault with technology disrupted our previous interview. I originally touched base with Hilary because she consulted on the show Mad Men (which I’m a huge fan of) and in episode 53 & 54 you can hear me dissect the character of Don Draper and relate it to childhood trauma, secrecy, and shame. Hilary grew up in New York City in a culture of "mind over matter." Raised by a psychiatrist and a guidance counselor, family time included analyzing her thoughts and dreams. Feelings were rarely mentioned (except perhaps to discuss how to get rid of them!) She thought she had total control over my emotions. Now she wants to share what she (and many psychotherapists and researchers) know about the new science of emotions. She wants others to learn what she had the good fortune to learn: that core emotions provide a path to physical and psychological well-being. In the episode, Hilary talks about core emotions, the change triangle, the disconnect between thoughts and body experience. She also goes further in depth on her analysis of the character Don Draper from Mad Men, analyzing which core feelings Don would able to identify after treatment. Resources http://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com https://www.facebook.com/AuthorHilaryJacobsHendel Today's sponsor, Lesley University: http://www.lesley.edu/mental-health  Visit Therapy Chat website at Http://therapychatpodcast.com and send host Laura Reagan a voice message letting her know what you think of Therapy Chat! Did you like this episode? Did you dislike it? Let her know! Thank you for listening to Therapy Chat! Please be sure to go to iTunes and leave a rating and review, subscribe and download episodes.

Hilary Jacobs Hendel is a trauma psychotherapist with a focus on emotions and the body. She has an extensive background in science and psychotherapy including a BA in Biochemistry from Wesleyan University, a doctoral degree from Columbia University and an MSW from Fordham University. She is a certified psychoanalyst and a certified AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. Hilary has published articles in The New York Times and professional journals and writes a blog called The Change Triangle. Hilary was also the Mental Health Consultant for the Emmy Award winning television show Mad Men on AMC. She lives and practices in New York City.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/the-trauma-therapist-podcast-with-guy-macpherson-phd-inspiring-interviews-with-thought-leaders-in-the-field-of-trauma/donationsWant to advertise on this podcast? Go to https://redcircle.com/brands and sign up.