Revive Your Midlife Marriage

Every marriage experiences stress. It can come from work, family, friends, and even finances. Couples may suffer from stress over a conflict or a difficult period in their marriage- arguments, differences, or feeling neglected. While we already know how stress affects us mentally and physically, Stress can negatively impact relationships.Although stress is part of the human experience, it can be harmful for relationships. What happens to many of us is that we bottle it up or keep the stress to ourselves, which makes it difficult for our partners to understand what we are going through and to provide support. Pulling into yourself and trying to manage it alone erects a barrier to emotional intimacyBeing stressed and taking it out on a partner, is another way it can negatively impact the relationship. You know when you are totally stressed out and your spouse says something that just hits a nerve that isn't always so raw? And it can be such an innocuous thing. I know that when I feel really stressed and my husband comes to me with what I think is just not as important as the stressful thing in my life, I can be downright snippy. It isn't about your partner, but about you. You are reacting out of a stressed place. Not dealing with stress can impact relationships when couples “catch” each other's stress. When our partners are stressed, we become stressed. Stress can breed stress in a marriage. We feed on one another's stress. Think back to an argument that escalated quickly. You might have “caught” one another's stress during the argument, which made you both feel even more frazzled and made you say things you wouldn't have otherwise said. Couples get stuck in this negative cycle and may be too stressed to deal with the underlying issue(s).So, how do you keep your stress from putting an unnecessary burden on your marriage? Stress inside and outside of the marriage must be effectively managed with a few simple coping strategies. In this episode, I'll share with you 6 ways. You can find the complete transcript athttp://reviveyourmidlfemarriage.com/89

I'm so excited to share my interview with Andrea Balboni. Andrea is a certified Sex, Love and Relationships Coach.  She helps couples experience deeper connection in their relationship and greater fulfillment and pleasure in their intimate lives, whether they've been together for a long time or are new in love. We will focus on sexual intimacy today, a key component of an intimate relationship. Topics will includeExceptional loveSexual chemistryTapping into your own sensualitySacred sexTips to develop sexual intimacy by creating space and valuing pleasure.Join me for this powerful episode.

Listen to this definition of discouragement: "Discouragement is dissatisfaction with the past, distaste for the present, and distrust for the future."That hit the mark for me because that is precisely what the discouragement in my marriage felt like. And it is a feeling many couples go through as they work on their marriage. A husband and wife can begin improving their marriage, taking steps to work things out, and still get discouraged. I see this all the time. I heard someone say the other day, "I just don't know if it's worth it." That's discouragement in a nutshell. In other words, the pain is too much. When my clients get discouraged, I understand it. Yes, they all show up discouraged, but no one expects to get discouraged as they take steps forward. But it happens, and it is natural. Let me tell you part of my personal experience seeking professional help for my marriage. After our first session, we were so angry we drove home in silence and remained that way for the rest of the evening. After a repeat of it at the second session, we decided it was better to go separately in the future.  It felt like the more we plowed the ground of our marriage, the angrier we got. Ironically, do you know, we rarely fought in my marriage? We both bottled everything up. So, in counseling, we dug all that stuff up. So many times, we were both discouraged and frustrated. We were learning new ways to build our communication and connection. We were learning to be vulnerable with our feelings. And then, we'd fall back into old patterns. Discouragement would whisper, "It will always be this way. It is never going to get better. You'll always be unhappy" So many times, I thought the pain wasn't worth it. Progress was so slow. I wanted it all better now!Looking back, I wish I'd known what I know now. It would have made the times of discouragement easier. But, that experience has taught me how to help my clients through discouragement. In this episode, I'll give you 6 ways to manage your discouragement. For a complete transcript, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/87

Today we will talk about what fear of Intimacy is, where it comes from, and steps to overcome it for a deeper connection. You'll find show notes at reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/86Fear of Intimacy is often a subconscious fear of closeness that frequently affects people's relationships. This fear of intimacy appears in people's closest and most meaningful relationships.According to Psychalive.org, psychology for everyday life, "Even though the fear of Intimacy is a largely unconscious process, we can still observe how it affects our behavior. When we push our partners away emotionally or retreat from their affection, we act on this fear of Intimacy. These distancing behaviors may reduce our anxiety about being too close to someone, but they come at a significant cost. Acting on our fears preserves our negative self-image and keeps us from experiencing the great pleasure and joy that love can bring."You can be married for a long time and still fear Intimacy preventing you from having a deep connection. My husband and I have struggled with the fear of Intimacy for most of our marriage. It wasn't until we sought help five years ago that we realized we had this fear. Let me share with you how to work through it. A complete transcript  of this episode can be found at http://reviveyourmidifemarriage.com/86

Here are some typical defensive responses to some legitimate  complaints.“I felt like you were making fun of me at dinner with our friends tonight. I was embarrassed.”“Don't be so sensitive I wasn't making fun of you. Everyone thought it was funny. You've made jokes about me at dinner before. I don't know what the big deal is. Nobody thinks less of you.” “I need more help around the house. I feel so overwhelmed with so many things to do.”“Oh, and I don't? I'm just as busy as you are. I never do anything, right do I? I do a whole lot more than most  spouses.”“You made decisions without talking to me about it first. Don't I have a say?”“So, I have to get permission to do anything now? It's no big deal. You don't talk to me about every decision that you make.” The response of defensiveness is the result of anticipating or perceiving a threat. When we try to counter or deny criticisms in areas, we feel sensitive. It is a way of emotionally protecting ourselves. We are defensive when we think our values, identity, or worth are questioned. Our brain goes into fight or flight mode when we think we might be in trouble. We perceive an attack, whether there is one or not.Defensiveness may come across as being difficult, but it usually is just a self-protective response. Our natural impulse is to defend ourselves against the threat posed by being challenged on an issue. Usually, one party acts defensively, and the other party responds defensively. Then there is a defensive volley back and forth. And nothing gets resolved. Defensiveness becomes a roadblock. Instead of the issue being the issue, it gets mired down in who is right and who is wrong. It undermines our ability to identify a problem and act to solve it. So, let's talk about what causes some of our defensive behaviors. They can be complicated. Our behavior patterns come from emotional, mental, or personality issues or habits developed over our lives. Low self-esteem, narcissism, feelings of abandonment, or trauma that has left you hyper-vigilant to any perceived threat can be hallmarks of defensive behaviors. You may have seen the volley of defensiveness played out in your home, and it might be all you know. None of these are excuses, but understanding what is behind what we do is vital to changing negative behavior patterns. The Gottman Institute calls defensiveness one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that predicts the end of relationships. Whether the accusation is fair or not, defensiveness shifts the blame and doesn't find a solution to the issue. Consequently, conflicts don't get resolved. Join me as I discuss dealing with what is behind your own defensiveness as well as the best way to bring up a conflict to keep from getting a defensive response. Complete transcript of the podcast can be found at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/85

When you look back on your life, the experiences that have the most lasting impact on your life are the meaningful moments spent with those you love. While the details of each moment may be different, they all have one thing in common. There is a connection at the moment. It is the equivalent of emotionally holding hands if you will—a turning toward each other. I asked 3 close friends to tell me what constitutes meaningful time together. The first one felt connected when they took time away from work and went away together. Most of us can agree we feel more connected with our spouses when we get away. That friend also found a connection in choosing shows to share in the evenings. Specific details of the show became part of their daily language bringing typical humor into the relationship. The second friend felt time to connect without phones, movies, and tv was important. She enjoyed the lack of distractions where they could have intimate conversations. Sitting on the back patio after work, sharing a drink, enjoying the scenery, and watching their dogs play together. Riding their side by side through the desert. The third friend felt that physical touch and affection made their time together more meaningful. He and his wife stay connected all day through texts. So, they are creating significant moments throughout the day. And All three said spending time with other couples was meaningful to the relationship. One friend said they like to see their spouse interact with the groups of friends because they enjoy seeing that side of them. Notice that each person had different ideas, but they had one thing in common—a desire for meaningful connection. What you do in your time together is not as important as the ability to connect at the moment. The problem is when couples think the only way to connect is on a big date or a big trip together. There has to be an event. I assert that if you aren't having little moments of meaningful time to connect in the day-to-day, the connection on a date or a trip together may not bring the connection you expect. The little connections build over time and fuel those times that are "special events." Suppose the connection is only sought on fancy, romantic dates or getaways. What about a couple who struggles financially and can't travel, go on fancy dates, or buy each other expensive gifts? Are they prevented from spending meaningful time with their spouse? Heck no! The amount of money spent or the extravagance of the event has no bearing on meaningful time together. In fact, there are more opportunities than you can imagine having meaningful time together. Unfortunately, if we aren't careful, we miss them. Having meaningful time with your spouse doesn't cost a dime, but it will cost you time and intention, but it is well worth the effort. For a complete transcript, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/84

You might be thinking nothing comes before my children!  Hey, I get it.  Let's face it, most of us  would give up an arm if our kids needed it, right?  But there is danger is making your children more important than your marriage.   And if you, like my husband and I, spent your time putting your kids before your marriage for most of their lives, the habit might be even harder to break as they get older. One of the major breakdowns in intimacy is putting your marriage secondary to your kids. They grow up and your stuck in bad habits and so are your kids. Your marriage is the foundation of your family.  When there are cracks in the foundation of your marriage, your kids, nearly grown or grown, will know it.  They may worry. They may take advantage of your misplaced priorities in stead of taking responsibility for themselves. And they might perpetuate this dynamic in their own families, following your example. We put our kids first over our marriages in a mirad of ways and many we aren't even aware of.  In this episode, I'm give you some tell-tale signs you might be letting your kids take precedence over your marriage. You might be surprised at some of them.  Then I'll give you  4 steps to turn this around. Complete show notes can be found at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/83

You'd be surprised how much of our behavior is fear based. And behind that fear is the fear of vulnerability. In this episode I'm going to be talking about 3 fears that thwart intimacy. The fear of sharing our true selves by being truly authentic, the fear of conflict, and the fear of talking about sex.  I'll talk about the fear behind these and give you 5 ways to face the fear and overcome it for greater intimacy. You'll find complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/82

There is a difference between social drinking and alcohol abuse.  And there are varying degrees of alcohol abuse. If you've been questioning your relationship with alcohol or if you've questioned your spouse's, Kari will share her story, how it affected her marriage, and hope for moving out of the gray areas of your life.A complete transcript can be found at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/81

I love a real love story between two imperfect people and that is what you are going to hear in this episode.Juli and Dave Gold are experiencing what they call a "love unimaginable." Has it been easy? NO! This is their second marriage and they met in midlife. They brought with them old wounds and kids into the mix which made things challenging. They will be sharing their story and practices with us so we too can enjoy a love unimaginable in our own marriages. 

Most people are blindsided when it comes to their spouse's affair. Few expect a spouse would betray them in such a devastating way. Let's face it, don't we all demonize those who cheat? We certainly don't think we have married a spouse that could be so morally reprehensible, right? Even the spouse that cheats is often shocked it happens. Because we equate faithfulness with morality, shame and guilt coincide with danger and excitement.Here are some statistics I found, and many statistics on infidelity differ. However, every statistic has infidelity in marriage at an alarmingly high rate. On many websites, they claim that about 25 percent of marriages see at least one incident of infidelity. According to an estimate from the journal of Marriage and Divorce, they say “70% of married Americans cheat at least once in their marriage.” That is an alarming statistic. The General Social Survey states that “20 % of men cheat compared to 13% of women.” Overall, men cheat more, but women who cheat have risen because more women have entered the workforce. 33.3% of men and 28.6% of women have affairs with a coworker. It is the 2nd highest place that affairs take place. First is affairs with friends that the couple knew. And most interesting of all, more middle-aged people cheat overall, and men report the highest level of cheating in their 70s. Women report the highest rates of infidelity in their 60s, with 16% of 60- to 69-year-olds reporting to have had sex outside of marriage. Consider how many couples don't report affairs to research groups in all of these statistics. Unless you are asked by a survey, who goes on record? Kinda scary, right?With these statistics on infidelity in marriage, you would think that there would be a concerted effort to prevent this before it is even an option. Infidelity is one of the most common reasons for divorce. The idea that “this could never happen to me” is how we lie to ourselves about the real potential for infidelity. Just consider the numbers.But I want to tell you something. I find couples that survive infidelity and move beyond it agree that the marriage already had major cracks before the affair. Once they repaired those cracks, the marriage was even better than before. So, here are 10 ways to fortify your relationship against infidelity.For complete show notes, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/79

Did you have power struggles when you first got together with your spouse? I don't remember having any. There was a give and take. The focus was on what is best for "us." Sometimes we even acquiesced initially, giving our power away because we just wanted to please our partners. Fast forward some years later,  couples often begin to feel their independence kick back in after they've been married a while.   While they are one unit, they are still very different individuals with differing behaviors, convictions, expectations, and perspectives. After the "lust" has died down, these differences can cause a power struggle. When one takes full or even partial control without considering their spouse, this causes a power imbalance. And it happens most often between two strong personalities. A power imbalance is an unequal distribution of control and power between two partners. You might have power struggles over things like money, sex, where to spend a vacation, who does what around the house, how it is done. My husband has had power struggles over decorating the home, finances, and children, even getting animals. I'm an animal lover, he not as much. This imbalance in a relationship is not healthy for a marriage because it puts a wall up. When your spouse overrules you, you feel disrespected, not heard. It kills intimacy. When one partner holds power in the relationship, there will be anger and resentment for the powerless partner, which will cause a wedge that threatens the intimacy in the relationship. While we are individuals, we no longer are on our own once we are married. We have someone else to consider in every area of our lives. It is part of the marriage pact. In this episode, I'll be covering what an imbalance of power is, how it affects the relationship, what sharing power looks like, and 7 ways to restore the power balance in the marriage. 

This is part 2 of my interview with Alisa DiLorenzo, author of the Amazon best-selling book, The Six Pillars of Intimacy.Today we will cover the last 3 pillars of intimacy: spiritual, recreational, and sexual intimacy.In addition, we will talk about identifying the cracks in your pillars and how to begin repairing them. 

Join me today in the first part of two episodes as I interview author Alisa DiLorenzoAlisa and Tony DiLorenzo co-wrote the Amazon best-selling book The Six Pillars of Intimacy.  They have a podcast and coaching practice called ONE extraordinary marriage. Alisa believes that pillars add strength and beauty to a structure, but only if they aren't cracked and falling down.  Even a crack in one pillar changes to strength and beauty.Today, we will cover the first 3 pillars: emotional, physical, and financial intimacy.

A midlife crisis is far more complex than the husband who buys a red sports car and leaves his wife for a younger version. You don't have to go to that extreme to be experiencing a midlife crisis. And men are not the only ones that go through it.  One study in 2000 by Elaine Wethington, a sociology professor at Cornell University, found the phenomenon was actually more common in women, experienced by 26.3% of women and 25.4%. The differences in the sexes show up for each according to gender norms and expectations. But there is some overlap as well. The term "midlife crisis" came about in 1965 with a paper written by Elliot Jaques, a Canadian psychoanalyst, who described how people going into midlife are confronted with the limitations of their life and their mortality. A crisis is a time of intense difficulty or trouble, and  I believe we go through many developmental stages of crisis in our lives. There seems to be a crisis in adolescents, into adulthood, in addition to midlife and the end of life. Life events can cause us to have a crisis.  I think what makes the midlife crisis so pivotal is the fact that we are faced with the realization that we have only part of our lives left, and there is an urgency to make sense of what is in the past and what remains. Our mortality. 

Are you accepting your spouse's influence in your marriage? What does that even mean?Accepting your spouse's influence is about being open to your spouse. You are always teachable. It is about making the marriage relationship more important than having things your way. It is understanding that in a marriage you are in a constant state of give and take. And what is behind accepting your spouse's influence? Honoring and respecting their opinions and feelings. It is very different than knowing them. Honoring and respecting require action. When you lean into your spouse's views and feelings to improve how you relate to them on an emotional level, the relationship becomes stronger. In this episode I'll give you what accepting your spouse's influence looks like and how you can start accepting your spouse's influence now. 

It's a new year and the new year's resolutions abound. I love the idea of a new year because I like self-reflection and self-improvement. It keeps me from getting stuck in the status quo, which I refuse.I take time to assess every area of my life that's worked well, what hasn't and what I can do differently for different results. I call this my pre-resolution exercise. You might have set your new year's resolutions, you might have gotten the new year's goals established for your job, but have you set any resolutions for your marriage? If you haven't, you should. I'll give you 11 questions to answer to prepare you for making your new year's marriage resolutions. 

 This week I'm going to talk about dealing with difficult family members. I'll be talking about how this can affect the relationship, how you can support your spouse, and how you can be more proactive in your relationships with those problematic family members. Our marriages don't live in a bubble. All the relationships around them impact them: the kids, the in-laws, the friendships. Our relationship with our childhood family affects our marriages exponentially. All these relationships either positively or negatively affect the marriage.I'll give  2 ways to support your spouse, and 2 solutions to handling those difficult family members. 

In this episode, I'll be talking to Warren Kennaugh, the author of the e-book Critter Code. Based on science and thorough research, the book identifies the type of "critter" or personality type of a person, and how to have a healthy relationship by understanding who you are married to, as well as what makes you tick. Warren is a self-confessed personality profiling nerd. His passion for understanding how others think, feel, and act has led him across a 26-year career as a consulting behavioral strategist, advising elite individuals and teams within large corporations and professional sports on the art and science of relationships. Warren says that relationships are based too much on trial and error. As a result, he and his partner Karen McCready developed the Critter Code so that others could strengthen their relationship with their life partner in a fun and engaging manner.There are nine critters or animals that represent the different personality of each individual. He talks about the DNA code, the Hero Code (the reasons you married your spouse), and the Villian Code (the things that drive you crazy.) He will give you key insights into each of the 9 critters helping you have a bit of understanding about them. You may know how your partner responds or behaves, but do you know why? Are there ways you can speak to this type of personality so you are heard? Warren asserts you can. 

This week, I have the pleasure to have author, speaker, and blogger, Dara Kurtz.She is the author of I Am My Mother's Daughter: Wisdom on Life, Loss, and Love - a book about dealing with the grief of losing her mother as well as leaving a legacy to her children.We will be talking about dealing with loss, how it affects the marriage, how a spouse can support their partner through the grieving process, and how to leave a legacy to our children through the written word. 

Do you know what your attachment style is? Do you know your spouse's attachment style? I had no idea until I listened to a podcast interview with therapist Valerie Hamaker, my guest today. It is a fascinating theory and it will help you understand yourself and your spouse more something we all strive for. Valerie will be talking about the origins of the attachment theory, the four different attachment styles, and how they can affect the marriage relationship. Valerie is a licensed therapist, private practice owner, executive wellness coach and corporate psychologist, and fellow podcaster. For a complete transcript of the interview, you can go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/69

I know you've heard it. Marriage is a 50/50 partnership. And I do understand why it is a common belief. It's like a business relationship where two parties invest their 50% and split the profits.  You give your part, I give my part, and together we've got 100%.  On the surface, it sounds like it works, right?But 50% investment in marriage doesn't work because it is not giving the whole of yourself. It's only giving a part. In successful business partnerships, each partner has to be 100% invested in the business's success, right? Even though sports team members have different roles or positions to play, they have to play their part with 100% of themselves for the best of the team. Another example is parenting. You parent as partners, but of course, you would say each of you gives 100% to the task of raising your children. When I'm talking about these percentages in marriage, I'm talking about the amount of effort you give to the relationship.

Did you ever get this marriage advice? "Never go to bed angry." I received it so many times before I got married. I believed that we had to resolve all our issues before going to bed or else our relationship would be damaged. What happened was that I would force the issue that wasn't going to be resolved in one conversation to the point it morphed into a bigger issue. We went to bed more exhausted and more frustrated than before.  And, we didn't make it to bed without anger.I believe that going to bed angry is not the worst thing for a relationship. In fact, in this episode, I'll be telling you two reasons why I think it might be best for the relationship, and how to help yourself when you do have anger upon retiring. 

I remember being at a wedding and sitting at the table with other couples my age. We were looking at the bride and groom on the dance floor, and one husband said, “Give them and few years, and they won't be acting like that anymore.” Everyone at the table laughed, including yours truly. Isn't that what most people think? We laughed, but it was also pretty sad to think that. I mean, is that as good as it gets? I don't think it is. There was a truth in what he said.  They won't be acting like that. In other words, they won't be doing the things that keep the passion alive and growing. If you build a fire and don't keep it going by adding wood, it will eventually burn out and grow cold.  Realistically, life can get in the way of keeping the passion and spark alive in the relationship if we let it, and I find that most couples do. We stand face to face at the beginning focusing on each other and the relationship exclusively. Then we have kids, and we turn shoulder to shoulder to raise them, build careers, handle chaotic schedules, and try to juggle all the balls we are responsible for. We take our eyes off of the relationship. It isn't that we let things slide intentionally. We don't know any better. Most of us were keeping our heads above water. This is the most common dynamic I see in the couples that come to me for help. Passion falls by the wayside because we don't keep it alive. In this episode, I'll give you four ways to get the fire burning again.  For the complete transcript for this episode, you can go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/66

Today is myth number two. Good marriages are easy marriages. If this wasn't something people believe, then why would they question whether they'd chosen the suitable mate when the going gets tough. Why would they choose to stay stuck in what's not working instead of saying-hey, these problems are a part of marriage. What can we do to overcome them? I wish I'd known this early on, as I think my reality would have been different. My disillusionment, not so great. I'd look at other couples that seemed to be thriving and thought they were just lucky. They seemed happy, content, working in tandem with their partner. And then I'd think, there must be something flawed in my marriage. What I never ventured to ask was, "How do you guys do it?" After all, I certainly didn't want to seem like we didn't have it all together in my marriage. Isn't it like this when we see accomplished professionals like athletes, actors, business moguls, musicians, and artists. I can narrow it down to anyone who can do something I can't do but wish I could. They make it look so stinkingly easy like it is just natural to be so good at what they do. It's like it is in their DNA. We even attribute success with having some special "gift" as it requires little to achieve great things. Even with gifts, there is a climb to any level of success. It's easy to compare ourselves to the "ideal" and not know or consider the grueling journey taken to get there. Again, because it looks so natural. If you want a good marriage, you will have to get in the mindset that you and your spouse will have to work and work as if your life depends on it. Letting things slide and wallowing in what isn't right will get you no further than you already are. I'll be covering 5 action steps to begin the hard work that it takes to have a good marriage.

This is the start of a five-part series on Debunking 5 of the Most Common Marriage Myths.This week's myth is You Will Resolve Every Conflict.I know, who wants to think that you won't see eye to eye on every issue in your marriage? It seems you did at the beginning of the relationship, right?During the rainbows and butterflies, we can't imagine having conflicts that continue to return over and over again. But, in reality, it happens to every couple I know because we bring very different behaviors, convictions, and perspectives. Many of those can be complementary, but some not so much. In this episode, I'll be talking about the difference between solvable and unsolvable problems, also known as perpetual problems, and give you ways to manage these because chances are they won't go away. 

Last week Dr. Ross shared what fear of abandonment is, where it comes from, the characteristics of the fear and how to manage it for a life of peace. This week, Dr. Ross will be covering how to effectively deal with a spouse that has fear of abandonment. She will give very practical ways to manage it. 1. Reflective listening while communicating.2. Having emotionally charged conflict.3.  Taking time outs.4. Weekly check-ins.5. Compassion for your spouse's perspective. For a complete transcript of the interview, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/63

Dr. Dawn A. Ross, Ph.D. is a Metaphysical Practitioner, with a Doctor of Philosophy., specializing in Metaphysical Counseling from the University of Sedona. She is a Master of Spiritual Guide Connectivity, certified Holistic Life Coach, Certified Stress Management Coach, Certified EFT Practitioner, Certified NLP Practioner, certified Hypnotherapy Practioner, and a certified Life-Style Weight Management Specialist.In this episode: What fear of abandonment is and where it comes from.How it manifests in one's life.How to manage it for greater peace.This is a two-part series. For the highlights of this episode, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/62

I'm hearing more and more couples talk about needing more time alone or just more time doing things away from their spouses. That is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean you don't love your spouse enough or are wrong for needing your own space outside of the relationship. Stepping away to take care of yourself is an excellent thing for the health of your relationship. Day in and day out with your spouse can get monotonous, even in the best relationships. There should be a balance in a marriage where each takes their time away to care for their own needs.Remember when you had little kids, and you dreamed of just having some time alone?  That was hard to come by and often was accompanied by feelings of guilt. At least it was for me. That happens in marriages too. Especially if one spouse needs less time alone than the other, let me say this certainly if you need time alone, you need to convey it to your spouse and give up these feelings of I might hurt their feelings, or I shouldn't take time away if my spouse doesn't need the same. It is about your needs. When you deny them, you'll feel more and more overwhelmed and discontent. If this happens, chances are you won't be your best in the relationship. Not everyone is comfortable with just saying, “I need some time alone.” The worry is that it might be offensive or sound like a threat to the relationship. So, how do you ask for this without being offensive or cause your spouse to feel like something is wrong in your relationship?In this episode, I'll be giving you 4 ways to express to your spouse that you need more time alone, especially if you have a spouse who doesn't have the same need. 

How we feel about ourselves has a tremendous effect on every area of our lives. You can find more books on self-esteem on Amazon than you have time to read. To have positive self-esteem, you must see yourself as worthy. Conversely, unworthiness results in low self-esteem.In Brene Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection, she says, "If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging."If you believe the negative stories that were told to your growing up, take on throughout life in school or work, or even failed relationships, you will most likely have poor self-esteem. Usually, those stories become our truths. I'm never enough. I'll never be enough, i.e., unworthiness. And those feelings will follow you into your marriage.When that special someone comes along, you feel giddy that someone has come along to make everything right. You feel loveable. You feel great about yourself. All that time and attention proves it, right.  Just think back to that time and those memories and how great you felt. Our society sets us up to expect our spouse to be our redeemer from all the past hurts and all those feelings of unworthiness: boy, what pressure. There is a book I highly suggest you read, but the title is what is essential here. It is called, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For by Richard C. Schwartz. That title is the greatest truth. Putting our spouse in the place of the redeemer in our lives is not only unrealistic, but it will also set the relationship up for many disappointments. No one can make you feel worthy and loveable like you can. It is called self-esteem, not others esteem. In this episode, I'll be covering how low self-esteem or unworthiness manifests itself in a marriage and how to turn it around.For complete show notes to this episode, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/60

We tend to compartmentalize our lives, bringing different parts of ourselves to the various roles we play. What I mean by this is we bring one kind of self to work, another to our parents, another to our friends, another to our children, and another to our spouse. What can happen is we can bring our best to certain areas of our lives and forget we should be bringing our best selves to our marriages as well. We can be diplomatic at work and team players working toward the common goal of the workplace and show disrespect and selfishness with our spouses. We can have a good attitude with our children and be surly with our spouse. We can be patient and thoughtful with our parents and disregard the needs of our spouses.We can be empathetic, good listeners, and supportive to our friends and less so at home. Heck, we will fawn over our pets, showering them with love, kind words, and affection, and not give our spouse the same. I've been guilty of all of these, trust me. Other than the fact that we compartmentalize things, I believe in our marriages. We think that our years together will be enough to sustain the relationship, and we get comfortable. We fail to see the importance. We let things go. The only way to stop compartmentalizing your life is to bring the best part of ourselves to every area of our lives and be consistent.  So how do you show up as your best self in Your marriage? Let me tell you. For complete show notes to this episode go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/59

If you aren't setting goals for your marriage, you probably aren't moving in a forward direction. No goals in life keep us stuck.  Goals give purpose and keep us motivated. There is a sense of accomplishment in each success.Have you heard this quote? “If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time.”In the business world, companies are driven by goals. When we are raising our children, we have clear parents' goals to make sure our children get everything they will need to go out into the world as well-equipped humans. What I see happen in so many marriages is there are simply no clear goals for the relationship. Then we find ourselves in a stale relationship that feels like it is going nowhere. We become disillusioned and apathetic. We muddle along just getting by and settling for mediocrity. Have you and your husband ever set goals for your marriage? If you haven't, there is no better time than now. Here are 10 marriage goals that could get you started. For complete show notes to this episode, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/58

Marriage should be a place where you gain comfort and validation for the struggles that come with life.  As my husband and I navigate this midlife journey, the struggles we used to have are very different than the ones we have today. Our bodies have changed. We look in the mirror and see a different version of ourselves that can be hard to recognize. We feel thirty and look every bit of our age. We are experiencing children moving out into their own lives without our constant care, which dramatically changes the role we have played in their lives. While my husband has job security, his workspace is made up of younger and younger employees. Seem stressful? It is. Midlife is no joke. While there are so many new opportunities to do new things, grow, and design a new phase of life that is rather exciting, some of these changes can bring up fear, sadness, and feelings of irrelevancy. Even though I don't care for the term midlife crisis per se, I know at times, coming to terms with these changes can certainly make you feel like you are in a crisis.  It is times like these that we need an extra dose of comfort and to give an extra dose to our spouses. I like to think of my relationship with my husband as my comfy recliner at the end of the day. My safe space. I read this the other day: We all want to be known and understood by our spouses. I agree we want to be known, but I don't think we need to be understood. We will not always understand what our spouse is going through. We don't always have the same struggles, nor can we fully understand them. My feelings around my children leaving the nest can't be fully understood by my spouse. I spent my life raising the children as a stay-at-home mom. They were my focus and work. His main job was supporting our family, working outside of the home. While we both miss our grown children, it isn't the same. My husband is feeling the change of age in the workforce in his profession. I haven't gone through that, so I can't fully understand what that is like. So instead of being understood, I believe what is necessary is to be known, loved, and supported. We want to know that we will find love, support, and comfort for whatever we bring emotionally to the table.  So how can we give and receive comfort during the challenges midlife brings? Here are 5 ways:For Complete Show Notes go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/57

I have found myself in times of feeling apathetic in my marriage. I mean after many years, we can move from being proactive to being downright lazy. After all, sustaining a healthy, connected marriage is hard work. But, without constant attention, the easier it is to fall into apathy. Apathy is damaging. Left unchecked it is usually the start of the total disintegration of the marriage. It's relational cancer. Leo Buscaglia, also known as “Dr. Love,” was an American author, motivational speaker, and professor in the Department of Special Education at the University of Southern California. This is what he had to say about apathy: “I have a strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate – it's apathy. It's not giving a damn.” Apathy is indifference-an I don't care attitude. And if we are indifferent in our marriage and don't care anymore, what hope is there? None.In this episode, I'll cover the warning signs of apathy and the ways to get back to connection.Complete show notes can be found at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/56

This is the second part of the Interview with author Ben Winter. We will be continuing to discuss his book, What to Expect When Having Expectations: Using the Anger of Unmet Expectations to  Find Peace.This week we will be talking about what you do if you have shared your expectations, but they still aren't being met. How do you keep your peace and manage the anger you might feel?Are there unreasonable expectations we have for others? Absolutely.  Find out what some of those are and how to manage them.Finally, we will discuss how expectations play into regret as we age.You'll find the complete transcript at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/55

Ben Winter is the author of What to Expect when Having Expectations: Using the anger of unmet expectations to find peace. The book is about understanding where your expectations come from, what drives them, why you aren't always aware of them, how to come to peace after being upset by an expectation going unmet, and increasing communication with yourself and others. We will be covering these topics:1. How being precise and explicit with expectations matters.2. Why expectations are neither good nor bad.3. How to determine what expectation is not being met when you are feeling upset.4. What holds us back from sharing expectations.5. How the programming we have from childhood plays into our expectations as adults.6. Reaching agreements in marriage around expectations.   Join us for an in-depth conversation on expectations. 

Wouldn't it be nice if we had all our emotional wounds healed before we got married?  Just being aware of my emotional wounds would have been nice. However, as young adults, we don't always have the awareness that comes as we age. Consequently, all those stored emotional wounds from our past are typically triggered in marriage. Our most intimate relationships bring out the good, the bad, and the ugly. In fact, it is in our marriages where those old wounds from childhood show up. We often don't even realize that how we are responding in our marriage is often the result of our old wounds from the past. Having emotional wounds is not a sign of weakness. We are not less than having emotional wounds or scars. We sometimes think that just putting them in a box labeled "the past, don't touch" will free us from having them affect us later on. Having emotional wounds is a universal experience. Whether we acknowledge them or not, they affect us in every relationship in our lives. Even the behavior of people we don't even know can trigger old wounds when they say things or do things to us.Triggers of old woundsLet me give you some examples of how old wounds can show up in a marriage.Say you had a controlling parent or controlling parents. You were told what to do, when to do it, and be expected to do it perfectly. You felt you had little autonomy and feared not measuring up to expectations placed on you. Maybe your spouse tends to tell you what to do instead of asking. It could be in the form of You need to do something a certain way instead of in the form of a request. That triggers those old wounds. You feel like you don't measure up. You feel like you are a kid again living with your parents. Boom, you are triggered. You become defensive, angry, and dig your heels in with an F you attitude. It could be that your parents were emotionally unavailable. You might have felt invisible and lonely. So when your spouse is unattentive, busy, or preoccupied, it triggers that feeling of not being important or worthy.  You might beg or plead for attention. You may expect your spouse to make you feel worthy, respected, and valued. You feel less than when you think your spouse isn't paying attention to you the way you think they should. Maybe you come from a very volatile family where screaming and fighting were the norms. You vowed that would never be a part of your home. So, when your spouse gets angry and raises their voice, you are triggered. You may retaliate, or you may become fearful and do everything in your power to avoid upsetting your spouse, bending over backward to avoid anything that could cause a conflict even when it means you have to stuff your feelings to do so. You become a people-pleaser. Did you feel safe as a child?  If not, you may have developed ways of protecting yourself and avoiding getting too close to anyone. Even if your spouse is a safe landing spot, you may not entirely give yourself to intimacy for fear of being hurt. Intimacy is a risk you aren't willing to take. Do you see how our marriages can make old wounds surface?

One of the common issues that I work on within my coaching practice is rebuilding affection in the marriage. It falls under a major category of my program called increasing intimacy. Lack of affection happens in most marriages, and it is very normal but not optimal.I know you can remember how you couldn't keep your hands off each other in the beginning, right? You probably sat, bodies touching, watching tv on the couch. You held hands and gave each other affectionate touch. There was more kissing and hand-holding, right? So, why does it wane as the marriage progresses?A lot of times, children change the affection we give each other. We begin to nurture and be affectionate to our kids and have little left to share with our spouses. We are busy, tired, and at times just too consumed with life to even consider it. When my kids were young and in bed, I felt like the last thing I wanted was to be touched. I guess I gave all my affection to my children without considering the affection necessary in my marriage. And so, the decline began. The problem with that is physical affection is what makes the marriage different from the other relationships in our lives. Without it, couples can feel less connected. They can feel less loved, less appreciated, less cherished. It also can result in loneliness.Professor Dacher Keltner, professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkley states, touch is the fundamental language of connection. The right type of friendly touch, like hugging your partner or linking arms with a dear friend, calms your stress response down. Touch activates a big bundle of nerves in your body that improves your immune system, regulates digestion, and helps you sleep well. It also activates the part of your brain that helps you empathize.”When we are starved for affection, and no, we aren't always aware that is what we are feeling, it negatively impacts us as human beings. I'll cover what causes affection to decline and ways to get it back into your marriage. 

Deanna Bryant  I was thinking of the women that I have a very close relationship with, they're married to porn addicts. And one of the things they said is their husband wanted to have sex with them less and less. And often, their husband would be gone for periods of time, or just kind of be absent. And they would wonder, you know, what's going on. And also, one lady said that when they did have sex, he was asking her to do things she was uncomfortable with, and role-playing, and almost asking her to be like the women he was seeing. So, you know, it really affected the relationship. It affected how she felt about herself like you were mentioning. They feel like they're not enough anymore, or that they have to be like a porn star for their husband to be turned on by them. And it's such a sad, dynamic.Cole  Yeah, as part of a group that is a very open group of ideas, the topic was about intimacy. And, and I joined the group that I felt like I could have the most impact in which was how to spice up your sex life in marriage. And I wanted these men to tread those waters carefully. If they're asking something of their spouse, imagine if your spouse will say, "Well, why do you want that? What's the answer to that? And that's okay to have desires in your marriage. But where do they come from? I had to think about that. If there's something I wanted, sexually, in my marriage, before I brought that in the bedroom, I had to be mindful of it. Like the study earlier, you know, I had to really think about it. Why do I want this? Do I want this? Because that's pure and that's true intimacy with my spouse. Or do I want this because it's what I used to watch in pornography? I think a big problem with pornography is a lot of men feel like they won't have a porn addiction when they're married. So to say, I can have sex and marriage, you know, play married. It's not bad to have sex. And I know, the world is a little different now and, and what that is, but let's just go with that conversation. They think they can replace their pornography with their wife. And they quickly find out that's not the case. For the complete transcript of this interview, you can go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/51

DeannaDeanna So my question to you is what made you decide to be so open about this topic of porn addiction and kind of make it your passion and purpose?Cole   Yeah, that's a great question. And I think personally, I think a lot of guys and girls can... it's interesting that there's a high percentage of women that do suffer from porn addiction. I will speak from experience on the male's perspective, but I felt like I was the only one that had this issue. All guys have this issue. So it's like this weird feeling of like, I'm alone, yet I justify it by the overall consumption. So just we're buying the lies this world shows about pornography. And what I noticed was really personally what it did to my perception of others. It just really changed my way of thinking. And then when I started doing research, not just on the science of science and facts are important, but also the testimonies and what other guys were experiencing, I knew that, wow, this is a common issue- a common thread that a lot of men have. And yeah, I just kind of pursued the self-journey. You know, I was really wanting to get rid of it, you know, really wanting to find the information that would change my heart, about what it. I knew it was wrong. And it just was a blessing to see how bad it really was. This is a weird way to put it, but I had to really be sick of it to want to get better. And so yeah, I guess that's what led me personally and then what led my wife and I wanting to do this was definitely just how pornography was impacting culture, not even in the mainstream, hardcore pornography world, but even just how it affected the social media, how it affected the shows, and the movies we watch. And,  what it's doing to society.Deanna So Cole what is your definition of porn addiction and how prevalent is it?Cole  Yeah, that's a great question. The word addiction itself would be being physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance and unable to stop taking it without occurring adverse effects, and we can hear that definition a lot to drug addiction. And so when we look at it, even the studies in science have shown the way our brain reacts when consuming pornography. It reacts very similarly to the consumption of a drug like cocaine or the areas are of our brain that light up. And there's been a lot of misinformation. In fact, the DSM five, which a lot of therapists, and counselors, and experts around the world use as their main source of addictions. And in fact, when the DSM five came out they didn't have porn addiction on there. I mean, they have a sex addiction, and all these other things, but they didn't want to specifically bring out pornography. In fact, they had an internet gaming addiction. But they don't want to call out pornography. The complete transcript can be found at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/50

I don't know about you, but I am super sensitive to the anger and disappointment anyone feels toward me, but none more than my spouse. I don't know why, but I want everyone to be happy with me all the time. Maybe because I'm a people-pleaser. If you are happy with me, then I must be okay. That's my junk. Couples will cause each other anger, pain, and disappointment. We have even felt a twinge of homicidal tendencies at times. Am I right? Normal stuff. The way we deal with our spouse's anger toward us can make all the difference in the outcome. Let me tell you how I use to deal with my husband's anger toward me.  I would do one of two things. I would become defensive, make excuses, and deflect by pointing out things he has done wrong. Or, I would take it as a personal affront and catastrophize. I'm a failure. I'm less than. I'll never do anything right which is all self-shaming. Who can be perfect and make a spouse happy all the time? No one. Neither of the ways I handled my spouse's anger was healthy, so I had to learn how to handle it differently. So let me give you some tips or best practices.First- Listen to the complaint without judgment. Be open. You learn more about your spouse's feelings every time they express them. You learn about their triggers- how they see things. Without conflict, you cannot grow to understand the perspective of your spouse.Second- Accept that your spouse has a right to feel the way they do. Their perspective is their reality even if you don't understand it or it seems ridiculous to you. Hear them the way you want to be heard. Ask questions if you need more clarity. Third -Accept your part. You know we screw up whether it is intentional or not. We are human. When an issue is brought up, put yourself in the place of your spouse. Try to see it from their perspective.  How would you feel if you were in their shoes? What could you do differently that might make things better in the future? Fourth- Avoid defensiveness. Defensiveness is a self-protective response. Check yourself. Try not to let the issue trigger your own insecurities or self-esteem. The issue is the issue. You are not less than for upsetting your spouse.  Affirm your self-worth. Don't take it personally. I would be remiss to not address the way your spouse expresses their anger and disappointment as well. If it is brought to you with criticism or contempt, you will inevitably take it personally and respond defensively, but there are ways to deal with this as well.You will find the complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/49

What do I mean by differing emotional sensitivity? Emotional arousal affects our thinking and physical actions, and each person has their level of emotional sensitivity in different areas.  Emotional sensitivity is the level at which you physically and emotionally respond to stimuli. According to Dr. Alan E. Fruzzetti in his book The High Conflict Couple, "At any given moment, there are events going on all around us, such as sights and sounds and other aspects of the physical and social world. There are also events going on inside us, such as memories, images, thoughts, or sensations. All of these events, in addition, to our attention, and our sensation and perception system (which allow us to be aware of what's going on), influence emotion directly. Our sensitivities are more complicated than most realize. This is why one person can be triggered emotionally by one set of events, and another can be totally unaffected by the same events.  I believe that our emotional sensitivity is both nature and nurture. We can take our cues about handling conflict from how our parents dealt with it in childhood as well as the temperament we are born with. We may emulate a parent's behavior or go to the opposite extreme depending on how we perceive it. We also may take our sensitivities from past experiences. For instance, someone who has been verbally abused in the past may be highly sensitive to any conflict in the relationship. They may fear it might happen again. A person who grew up in a family where emotions were shut down may not have any awareness of the feelings of others, much less themselves. We all perceive things through our lens, and for us, it feels right and true. It is our reality. The key is to understand your sensitivities and your spouse's from a place of neutrality. At times you may be the one experiencing low sensitivity and your spouse high and vice versa. You both may be in a heightened state of emotional sensitivity and arousal at the same time as well.  No matter what the dynamic,  there are ways to manage this. Marriage is about management to reach the common goal of having a healthy marriage. You can find the complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/48

In Episode 47, I will be talking about How to Let Go of the Bitterness in Your Marriage. Think of it as a purge of those accumulated resentments you've been holding on to. I'll tell you what brought this topic to my mind this week. We are moving to a new home we just built. You know how it is after years and years, you accumulate so much stuff, and you don't even realize it. It just sits taking up space and is of no value to you on the daily. You don't need it and getting rid of it lightens your load, right? Well, that got me pondering the junk we accumulate in the marriage-the resentments that lead us to bitterness. It is like a bunch of useless junk that has to be moved from place to place when it could really be gotten rid of.All bitterness starts as hurt. There is a sense of injustice or feelings of being treated with malicious intent even when the intent may not be malicious. Sometimes people act in thoughtless ways. The pain can turn cause frustration. Frustration can turn into resentment, and holding on to that resentment results in bitterness.  Bitterness comes when you hold onto hurt and refuse to forgive the person who hurt you. Most of the time, this comes from ongoing actions or one big event, and it builds up over time. Each offense takes residence in the heart, and at some point, there is no more room left. That's when bitterness is manifested and causes the most damage.And you know what holding on to bitterness does? It causes us to hold it over our spouse and behave badly, either covertly or overtly. Covertly, we may put distance emotionally or physically between us. We may choose the silent treatment and decide to live a separate life. Overtly, we may use biting remarks, dirty looks, and sarcasm. We might do things we know irritate them. We justify our bad behavior based on what has been done to us. A tit for tat, so to speak.  Ultimately you live in a place of contempt for your spouse.Bitterness doesn't just damage the marriage. It harms the bitter person. Holding onto it can cause you to view your marriage with cynicism. It can cause you to feel angry all the time-intolerant-short tempered, not just with your spouse but those around you as well. It is corrosive. Have you ever enjoyed being around someone bitter? Not a fun person to engage with, right? You will find complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/47

Deanna Bryant   I mean, you feel your pain, obviously. But then you step back and look at it. And kind of, once you feel the emotion, step out of it, evaluate it, and come to terms with it. So it's not controlling you. Would you say that's true? Sondra  Yeah, that's true, you definitely have to let it go. Because when you're in the grips of that physical tension, you have to let it go. Otherwise, everything you do is just going to be some sort of strategy to try and release that tension. Rather than just releasing it, you can just let it move through you. And, the other thing about it, there's a slightly different switch to it is that not only can you not let it control you, you can use it to become more loving, more compassionate. If you really are willing to go underneath what was there. Let me give you an example of one. I don't know if I wrote about it, but when I went to India, my partner that I was in Vietnam with, would get very angry at me, and it was really difficult for me to tolerate that anger. I would do everything I could to have him not be angry at me. I was working harder because we worked together on this nonprofit. And I was just bending myself into a pretzel to do everything he wouldn't be angry at me. If he wasn't angry with me, then he would love me. I had all that stuff going on in my head. And there was some process in India, where I was able to get under that upset. And under that, you know, dislike and hate and anger with it him and see that I had it in myself. And it was not rejecting him in anger, it was like me being upset about anger in general. And when I could see that, it was like, Oh, my gosh, like a huge veil has been lifted off of me. Because then I could see myself with the times when I was angry and what might be underneath that. And the compassion that I could have for others when they're angry, just went through the roof, because now I look at anger, not as something to be avoided, but as something to help work somebody through to see what's under, not in a, you shouldn't be angry. It's just one type of hot potato handling. I'm gonna blame you, I'm gonna yell at you. It's like,  Hey, this is an opportunity. So it's, it's more than just not letting the hurt control you. It's turning that hurt around into being able to nourish you and your journey to see who you really want to be. For the complete transcript, you can go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/46

Deanna Bryant  I'm so excited today I have Sondra Harmon on the show. She is a certified meditation teacher, a transformational relationship coach, and an author. She lives in Puerto Rico enjoying life with her much loved husband, where she writes leads, workshops, and host retreats. Today we'll be talking about her book The Power of Ouch, an Illustrated Guide to healing from hurt and creating a life of love and connection. Sondra  Thank you so much. I'm super excited to be here and have a conversation with you.Deanna Bryant   I want to give a quote because I want to ask you more about this. You said that "giving space to the pain gives you a path to embrace all your experiences, instead of pushing parts of yourself away." So how does not dealing with the pain push parts of yourself away?Sondra   It's such a deep topic. Because one of the things that I've looked at a lot are the times when we've rejected something about ourselves, whether it's somebody prompted it perhaps a parent or teacher or somebody that we looked Up to send something that made us criticize ourselves, or it's something that we got a result we didn't intend. And we turned that upset inward than were criticizing ourselves, right. And the problem is, like, if you're blaming somebody else, and if you're critical of somebody else, and you don't like somebody else, you can leave them. Right? You can go to another room, another city, another country. But when you're the person that you're not accepting, and you're not willing to let be as they are, you can't run. The only choice you have, other than dissolving that upset, is to start saying, That's not me, I'm not going to go there.  I'm just going to live in my little safe box here. And that's not part of me anymore. Hurt isn't part of me anymore. And it's really limiting. And it really makes you shrink down. So it's really, I think, super important to be able to give yourself the latitude and the love to be you at whatever stage you are in whatever growth you're experiencing. And the other thing I love about relationships is they can be such a mirror. So if you can give your partner that latitude and that love and that acceptance, then you can give it more to yourself. And conversely, if you can give it more to yourself, you can give it more to your partner. So it really works together like this great Jacob's ladder. If you're always looking towards being more loving, being more accepting, being more compassionate, being more joyful, all those yummy things.For the complete transcript, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/45

Deanna Bryant  There was this statement that I saw you say you've been asked this question. Why do  women who love their husbands, not want to have sex with them? What is your take on why you can love your husband and not want to have sex? Is it tied to all of these other things you're talking about? Yes. Really heavily tied to the what I said before about men needing sex to be connected synonymous with the word love, you know, so the guy is going to be thinking. If she loved me, she'd want to have sex with me. Women can have can be totally love of their husband. Like one of my clients just the other day, she said, Oh, I love my husband, we have a great time together. I wouldn't want to ever divorce him. I just wish he didn't have a penis. Oh, my gosh. I totally get it. Like, it's so like, Oh, it's the penis. If we could just like not ever have to go to bed, then we would have a great time. And, and she will she reminded me of that the other day, because she's currently going through my erotic massage mastery course. And it's changing everything. But she said to me the other day, Remember when I said that? Now she no longer feels like, Oh, I'm you know, not adverse to him having a penis anymore? Because now she knows what to do with it. Yeah, women can happily love a guy and not ever want to have sex with them. It happens all the time for women. And and it seems to be the lesser of two evils to be like, Oh, ho hum about the whole sex thing, then having obligatory sex. Obligatory sex is  the greater of the two evils. So. Yeah, women can easily take that route, but  it doesn't serve them in the long run by avoiding sex, because what's actually going to happen is those guys, a lot of the times they will look outside of the marriage, and then you got a whole different problem with the cheating thing. So yeah,  it is not a fix to a relationship to just avoid having sex, you can make it really enjoyable.  I know people are like, well, there's no excuse for stepping out of the marriage. No, there's no excuse. But if the relationship is flailing in their sex life, like you say, it  is indicative of what's going on in the relationship. Then, if you're not connected, I think it's a prime opportunity for either a man or a woman to look outside for a way to connect. And it happens all the time.You can find the complete transcript of this conversation at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/44

Deanna Bryant  Welcome to Episode 43, which is my interview with Lee Jagger about rocking the bedroom. Yep, that's what I said rock the bedroom. You may think Deanna now rocking the bedroom is the last thing on my mind at this point in my life. Ladies, it shouldn't be the last thing on your mind. A healthy and satisfying sex life is important to every thriving marriage is the physical component of rich intimacy. So if you think fun and exciting sex is a thing of the past like I have. Buckle up ladies for an information pack conversation with Lee Jagger. So who is this Lee Jagger and how can she help me? Well, Lee is the CEO and founder of Rock the Bedroom, the only sex education community of its kind. Lee is a sex expert and mindful intimacy coach. She helps women be more confident, creative, and playful in the bedroom, specializing in erotic massage. She makes it easy for women to embrace their power and take charge between the sheets. Lee has taught in person and in online workshops internationally, and help women move from a stale, same old sex routine to the next level of passionate playtime. It's her mission, to normalize conversations around sexuality and make obligatory sex to become a thing of the past.Welcome to the show.Lee   I appreciate that introduction. I'm honored to be on the show because I love what you represent. And you really foster connection and cultivating intimacy within a marriage. And that is really all about what I do. So I'm happy to be a part of this party.Deanna Bryant  So glad you are. I just appreciate you taking the time. I really do. I can't think of a better person, a woman in midlife to tell other women in midlife what they can do to shake things up a bit. You get us? Yes, I do. I feel Yeah. So I have to ask this because I'm very curious. What was the impetus for you to become a sex expert and erotic massage coach?Lee  Is that is a fabulous question. It's a fun story to tell actually. And it took me years to be able to tell this. So several years ago, and I can't believe that I'm actually in the position I'm in right now as a sex expert and erotic massage coach because I knew nothing. bedroom, I was very passive. I was a sexual wallflower, if you may, and I did not know how to touch a penis. I just did not have that skill set. But several years ago, I was completely broke. A 10-year-old son living in a hoarder's house just came from being homeless actually. So like really bottom-of-the-barrel moment of my life. And, and I put an ad on Craigslist for Swedish massage, because I knew I had a little bit of skill set with that bare minimum I could probably scrape by and I thought, oh, maybe I could do that. And this woman who answered the ad, she said I actually bought an office and I let go a bunch of girls who didn't actually know how to do a massage. But you look like you know what you're doing? Have you ever thought of an erotic massage job? And I'm I had no idea what she was talking about. I didn't know that world at all. And I said at the happy ending? And she said yes. And I said no. Yeah, no, no, thank you. That is so not my dealio other than the fact that I didn't know how to do an erotic massage, but I also didn't want to deal with the clientele who I thought I'd have to deal with in that profession. The complete transcript can be found at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/43

I, like you, go through tough times, and it affects my marriage. You, see I've been in a real funk lately. I'm experiencing so many things for the first time, and quite frankly, I have no experience with it and am finding it hard to navigate. And what's worse? I don't want to talk about it. I see myself in a shut-down phase. Do you ever go through things like this?I'm 52, and I'm peri-menopausal, which is causing me anxiety I've never experienced before. I feel like I'm coming out of my skin all the time. My brain is in a complete fog where I forget so many things, big and small. I've been having telehealth appointments with my doctor since the pandemic started. Yesterday, I drove to the doctor for my appointment, went up to the door, and saw the sign that said the office isn't open and all doctors are making telehealth appointments. Ladies, this has been going on for a year, and I forgot it. I can't even think of names I know like the back of my hand. For two months, I've missed the same bill. Added to that, I've embarked on a new career in my midlife years and dealing with the further stress of being an entrepreneur. I feel like I'm riding on the crazy train. See my funk?  I don't intentionally shut my husband out when I'm going through a difficult season, but that is my habit. I don't even realize I'm doing it until the gulf gets pretty broad. I become aware of it when I start going my separate way, being only willing to engage in surface conversations, and living in my head instead of connecting. The relationship becomes perfunctory. So, why, if we know intimacy is about sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly, do we close down sometimes when we are struggling with something in our lives? I believe it is because of the messages we hear inside our heads and from a society that tells us to be strong, power through, be a badass. Here's what I know from my own experience and my husband's because he goes through seasons of this too. We revert to old habits of trying to deal with our problems independently, and pretty soon, we are disconnected. The messages that cause us to pull away are as follows:"I should be stronger.""I don't want to be a weak person who is needy.""If my spouse knew what was going on with me, they'd think less of me.""My spouse couldn't possibly understand what is going on with me.""These are my problems, and I need to figure it out.""Something is wrong with me.""I don't want to be a burden.""My spouse will think I'm crazy."Complete show notes can be found at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/42

Have you heard this line? Love means never having to say I’m sorry. What a bunch of baloney. If you are in a loving relationship and you don’t say I’m sorry on a regular basis, you probably are on your way to having nothing meaningful in your relationship. When you can’t see much less own your mistakes, you will alienate everyone around you. But, is sorry enough? Absolutely not. If all you say is sorry over and over again, never changing your behavior, it becomes an empty phrase that no one takes seriously. I’m sorry is just the beginning. When I studied relationships at the Gottman Institute, I learned a term I’d never heard before. It was called the repair attempt. Repair AttemptA repair is when something has gone wrong and there is an intentional attempt to repair or fix the situation. Like a bridge over water, without maintenance and repairs, the elements can deteriorate the strength of the bridge until it is no longer passable. The elements that can deteriorate your marriage are unhealthy patterns of behavior that while being second nature, what you’ve always done, can over time tear away at the relationship. HumilityIn order to attempt a repair, there must be humility. Humility allows you to own your part in the problem because we usually have a role to play. Now, we make excuses and say, “Well, if he or she hadn’t done that then I wouldn’t have acted that way. That’s not humility and owning your actions. That justification. There is no justification for bad behavior. It might feel good at the moment, but it will tear away at your marriage. So, humility helps you own your own part. Another thing that humility will help you do is to consider your and your husband's actions or reactions from a place of openness. When we are humble enough to consider the feelings of others, to see their point of view, to respect their humanity, we can be open to change. Someone who rests on their false pride can’t see or acknowledge the truth of the situation. You’ve probably heard the phrase pride goes before the fall. Pride will keep you from making a repair attempt every single time. You will find complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/41

Today  I'll cover the difference between being a director and an influencer, why directing will cause resistance, and how to break the director's pattern and become a powerful influencer in your marriage. Directors Directors are those that like to be in control. Their motives are not necessarily selfish. After all, they believe they are ensuring success. They think they know best. You or your husband may be a director at work as the assigned leader, but those skills don't work well in an equal partnership. Marriages must be in a state of equilibrium; otherwise, they are made up of two opposing forces. Now, you may not or may not be the director in the marriage. It might be your husband. I'll cover how to handle that in a moment. InfluencersAn influencer, on the other hand, is encouraging someone to buy-in. Social media influencers influence others to buy a product or sign up for their services.  They focus on letting their audience see the value of what they are bringing to the table and how it might benefit their lives.  An influencer doesn't use force but gently encourages. They offer partnership in getting the outcome most desired. Remember when you were raising your children? When my children were young, giving directions was pretty commonplace, but I got the best results when I asked them to do things over telling them and by explaining why I was giving the directive.  I remember trying to be creative in getting them on board. Each of my children was very different, and I had to vary my approach for each. I engaged them to work with me, not against me. Every parenting book I read talked about how to communicate effectively with your children to achieve this. As they became teenagers, I had to get even more creative because they naturally wanted more control over themselves and their choices. That's the natural progression to adulthood.  We want a say in things. Being directed feels like we are being treated like a child that doesn't know any better. What if we brought these skills to our marriage? They are just influencer skills for all relationships if you think about it. I've heard grown adults say these very things before, You're not my mother, or If I wanted a father, I'd stayed at home. The only grown adult that will be directed is the one who is getting a paycheck, and even then, they may do so begrudgingly. However, most companies today are using psychology to work with employees to influence, not dictate. There is a greater awareness of the benefits for a company. Employees feel they are more empowered and likely to stay with the company. Bosses who disregard and talk down to employees are usually not well-liked and harder to respect. So, how do you change from being a director to an influencer in your marriage? It is all about intention and delivery. You can find the complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/40

Last week I talked about the 4 roles we can play in our family of origins as we grow up, what it looks like in your marriage, and how to manage it. This week I'm going to take it a step further. I'll cover how the family of origin stories can cause perpetual problems in the relationship. I'll talk about looking back at your stories,  how you and your husband can share those stories as a way to improve your understanding of each other, and how to find a middle-grown that serves you both.   Just a recap.  Family of origin stories comes from the family you grew up in. It can determine your thoughts, beliefs, and habits. Many of the perpetual problems in our marriages are not because we are incompatible. It is usually because our family of origin stories is different, bringing together different ways of being. Trouble spots can surface in how you and your husband deal with finances, parenting, communicating.  And, You'll see it in the various ways you perceive things, emotionally respond, and handle conflict, just to name a few. Look at the pastSo, let's start by talking about looking back at your stories to understand why you and your husband believe and think the way you do. Typically in dysfunctional homes, we do one of two things. We perpetuate our parents' beliefs and behaviors, whether positive or negative. If those beliefs and behaviors were negative, you might swing to the opposite end of the pendulum. Neither end of the pendulum is at risk of being extreme.For instance, if you or your husband grew up in a highly volatile home where conflict resulted in angry, demeaning words, you may avoid conflict altogether, or you may be perpetuating that volatile behavior in the battles you have in your marriage.Suppose you or your husband's parents were emotionally or physically absent from each other. In that case, you may be overly indulgent with your children and your husband, smothering them. Or you may be just as emotionally or physically distant. Maybe you or your husband's parents lived beyond their means and were dealing with consuming debt. You may do the same or fear financial scarcity and hold on to your money like a miser. The rub that results in the marriage is when you and your husband believe or behave differently. It causes perpetual problems in the relationship because you are coming at things from your different family of origin stories. You can find complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/39