Old Wives

It's a two-parter finale, so strap in. First, we've got Casey in Denmark to find a prince who uses his alt account to lure the disillusioned idealist princess who doesn't want to marry. Then, we've got Amy in Russia where a third sister disappears, and the entire town follows the prophecy of a pipe whistle foretelling her return. The important thing is, now more than ever: this is Old Wives. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in Poland today where three Sons make their barebones living ferrying people across a river. The youngest gets a purse that's always full, and a mermaid wife to boot, and it's all coming up roses for a minute. That is, until the local king decides to send him on a few errands. Join us for a collection of side-quests in the shape of a story that ends with some truly spectacular comeuppance. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in Sicily for a spicy tale about a gullible eldest brother with a purse that's always full of gold. His intended yoinks it, leaving him poor and bereft, but lucky for him, he's got two other brothers with magical items he can borrow. She takes those off him too, though, and it seems like curtains for him until he lands in a mysterious fig tree with fruit that just might help him get his fortune and his fiance back. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in Ireland where the king of giants goes up against one persistent cat. There's a princess in the giant's tower, of course, with one hundred fire-barking dogs keeping her inside. There's also a prince with a white cat familiar. The cat tells the prince he'll have to ignore his hunger to get to the princess, but he hasn't had lunch today, so it's anyone's game. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in India to hear about a village with a little problem. They don't like doing chores, and they're tired of moving the whole village when the laundry pile gets too big. Fortunately, in wanders a man with a solution. He whittles some helpers that can do any task a village needs to keep itself running. They're amazing little creatures, except that they are wooden objects cursed with sentience that sleep in your home. Certainly that won't backfire. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We took this week off for the (US) holiday weekend. Be back with a new episode next week, plus an extra for patrons. Speaking of patron episodes, here's one from the vault that dropped December of 2020. Back then we described it thus:New month, new fairy tale shorts for our dear Patrons! And as usual, we're all over the place. We've got an ass that lays money, a boy who turns to stone, the origin of the Christmas tree, and, of course, small dumb animals working together. We don't say this lightly: it might be the weirdest collection yet. It's what the monkey's paw would want.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in Japan for a rich-brother-poor-brother story with a few unexpected twists. Poor Brother gets some dead silkworm eggs from Rich Brother, only to have them hatch like normal. The zombie silkworms get to work as a flock of sparrows settles oddly in the rice field. Poor Brother follows the flock to a mossy glen filled with fairy children wielding a mallet, and that's when things get weird.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in Egypt today, sampling the wares of three wells and watching as an old woman curses a young boy with a propehcy. He follows the prophecy deep into ogre territory, until he finds a tower containing the correct princess and joins a mini-game of Rapunzel already in progress. They escape with the help of three standard-issue magic items, but not before being turned into a bird and a dog. Tune in to find out if he'd still love his girlfriend if she got turned into a worm.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in Turkey today, where 40 brothers are on a quest to find 40 sisters to marry. They find them after the youngest brother tangles with a couple of pesky dragons that lead him down a well or two, and eventually to a sidequest in another kingdom. It's there he'll find his future wife, which leaves us with an extra sister. Join us to solve a complicated math equation! For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in China today, where a rich man's son squanders a fortune or three. When he finally learns his lesson, his mysterious wizard benefactor decides it's time to level him up. The wizard gives him some pills and tells him not to scream, which is always a good start to a sidequest. When he finally comes to, he's lived a whole second life. But will he ever get back to it?For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Our four-week hiatus ends with this final rerun, and it's one of our favorites. We'll be back next week with the fresh...ages-old folktales you crave, but until then please gring your teeth on this pizza tale from November of 2020:We're in Italy this week to hear about two women, their two daughters, and two little pizzas. The good daughter shares her pizza at the wellspring, but the bad daughter refuses and is cursed. The king sends for the good daughter and gets the cursed one instead, and it'll take a choir of giant ducks to clear things up. But when the king realizes his error and finds the right daughter? Baby, you might say That's Amore. For sources and links, support us on Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Our brief disappearance from the world stage continues for this, the most July of months in the year 2022. In our absence, please accept this insane story from September, 2020:We're in Scotland this week for a bizarre Upstairs, Downstairs-style caper complete with pratfalls and prop humor. Meet the king's bard, who is hell-bent on destroying his nemesis: the steward to the king. Each passing year, the bard's schemes to sink the steward grow more absurd, as he enlists a crow, a witch, and a trout to help him. Will one of his compatriots betray him? Can he ever outsmart the steward? And which way does that sun rise, anyway? Join us for all this and more! For sources and links, support us on Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

It's still July, 2022, and we're still on break. Fret not, we've got just the classic episode to clear your summertime blues. This little fella is coming in hot from November of 2019 (holy crap we've been doing this that long?):This week, we tackle misery. No, not the feeling you have every time you log into Twitter, the literal personification of Misery, a tiny scraggly Russian man who sings back-up to your spite-tune, a constant companion whether you like it or not. Who is he? What's he like to have a drink with? Let's get anthropomorphic! For sources and links, support us on Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're on break for the rest of the month (July, 2022). In our absence we're bumping some old hits from the stacks like this gem from June, 2020. Let's see how well these old pants fit:This week in Iceland, we meet a good boy who's afraid of nothing. He lives in his haunted house, simmering his mutton soup for ghosts. He makes the bed and does the chores, and never hesitates to fling himself into battle. He even walks, drunk, headlong into death, all for the love of his friends. But that's where things take a turn. Will his fearlessness prevail? Can we join this fraternity? Join us as we stare fear directly in the backwards face. For sources and links, support us on Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in Wales this week for a witchy story about a millennial fairy looking for her piece of the dream. She barters for a house and a vengeanceur, but she won't be satisfied until the Area Witch is stopped in her tracks for good. To do it, she'll have to conga for her life around the maypole with her 300 closest friends. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in North America today to meet a man in desperate need of a makeover. Lucky for him, some beavers take him in for the winter and teach him the power of song and also of dressing for the job you want (husband). When his education is complete, he leaves with a fancy new coat and a magical stick with some strange abilities. Hopefully, his beloved still likes him with a little hair on his chest. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in India where a prince and a vizier's son are exiled from the country, and they decide to go out hand in hand. It should be the first day of the rest of their lives, but the prince stumbles across a fairy from The Ivory City, and now he's gotta find her. The vizier's son gets it done for him, even if his methods are a little unorthodox. And circuitous. And byzantine. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in Ireland to meet three neighbors in a dead heat to be the town's premier moving business. Dan pulls ahead, so the other two team up to sabotage him. But Dan is wily, witty, and thinks quickly on his feet. At every turn he comes out ahead—even when his own mother dies. Maybe the other two could stand to learn from him. If they're up to it. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in northwest Canada this week to meet Great Whirlpool Maker, a fickle god in charge of rough seas. But his power is derived from an unexpected place: a bitchy little bird that lives in his hat. When Great Whirlpool Maker's son steals the hat to impress a girl, he takes the bird with him, and all hell breaks loose in one unfortunate village. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in Sicily this week, where seven sisters are cited for loitering, which proves to be their gateway to a lifetime of recidivism. They blow town and live together until one sister seizes main character status by marrying a king. But the king wastes no time deploying his new wife as his personal thief, forcing her to rob a powerful(?) sorcerer(??). Queue the training montage!For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

In Portugal, a poor but too-beautiful himbo is happy living with his mother and fishing. During a full moon, a water nymph kidnaps him to her underwater paradise and erases his memory. His mother won't give up on bringing him back, and when she does, his life will never be the same. Join us for a rare story wherein someone actually becomes a better person without the threat of violence or death! For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in Iceland where a Leather Jacket Hamlet-type hates his new stepmom, which means it's about time for an adventure. His quest comes in the form of an ogre in need of un-cursing, and a trifecta of errands he must accomplish toward that end. When the curse is broken, however, he's in for a family reunion he never expected.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in New Zealand today, deep underground, where a lost-and-found boy steals his grandmother's magic jawbone. It'll help him to hang the sun, carve the mountains and valleys, and orient the world toward the stars. Also, he'll use it to piss off his older brothers. Join us for an origin story about being raised in the heavens and baptised in hell! *motorcycle sounds*For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in Egypt today, for a two-parter everything bagel with a side of crocodile. First, a jeweler finds a cryptic prophecy etched into a skull that will take generations to come to pass. Then, all hell breaks loose when a mother tries to have a life outside the cave, proving you really can't have it all. In the end, a rental horse, a game of checkers, and a mysterious old man will tie everything up nicely. Come for the story, stay for the incessant background cat noises.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in Austria this week, where classic Third Brother Gluck meets a series of increasingly strange little guys. When a drought hits the farm, things get complicated, and he has no choice but to head up the mountain to seek the Golden River. But the river has a king whose face Gluck has seen before, and the king has some tests for him to pass along the way. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're out and about this week and don't have a new episode, but in the interest of shining light on some great stories from the past we're declassifying our sixth patron-exclusive release for the general public. Here's how we described it back at the beginning of 2021.Welcome to January's edition of short stories for Patrons! We meet some shady characters in Flanders—a half-rooster, a witch bride, and a regular parrot—and hear three strange veggie tales. As ever, thanks for the support!For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in the American West to hear about a really cool gas station attraction. Area recluse and hunting enthusiast Jacob has four beasts he wants to add to his trophy room, but they're not regular game. If he wants to bag the legendary beasts, he'll need all the silver bullets he's got, and he still might not come home the same man. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Over in Ukraine, the stars are against Unlucky Dan. Dan does his best, but everything he touches falls apart. Jobs, pets, meals—nothing is safe, and nobody seems able to help him. One day, a serpent slithers into his life and leads him to contentment. And this time, Dan is determined to hold onto it.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

It's a beautiful day in Ireland, and one prince has come to see a bird. Instead, he's going to have to marry a princess. One the other side of a big wall, one mule has declared war. And he is ruthless. Now, the last thing the prince wants is to be a hero. But he doesn't have a choice. The king's an easy guy to like. And a hard man to find. This Thanksgiving, only in theaters. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

A widower king's beloved only daughter bullies her dad into remarrying. When it's her turn for betrothal, her new stepmom isn't happy. She whips up an old spell and turns the new fiancee into a werewolf. From there, it's up to the princess to do the rescuing. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in Hawaii where Jaws meets The Batman meets bowling shirts. The King of the Shark Gods, shapeshifter and all-around ok guy, marries a normal human woman. When she gives birth to their half-Shark God son, the son must carry his terrible shark secret on his back, literally. Unfortunately for him, with time, all things are revealed. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in Scotland where a six-son brawl leaves one Big Son dead. To avenge the prince's death, everyman Conall and his three boys will have to steal another king's horse. They get caught, and Conall has to talk his way out—but don't worry, he's got some great stories.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in Iceland to find a prince who has wandered into some strange fog. A clever young girl finds him in a cave belonging to a pair of giants who want to marry him. She hatches a plan to save him, but first, she'll have to get past the swans that can put him to sleep with their .... "song." For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in Italy today to meet the most romantic snake in the world. After slithering into the home of a poor gardener, he decides it's time to romance the area princess. Things go sideways and he has to flee the castle as a bird--all we can do is hope that there are no clear panes of glass in his way.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in Belgium to meet an orphaned princess and the buff-and-ready Count that has imprisoned her. Luckily, she's got seven swan friends who are eager to help her out of her jam. But the swans have their own backstory—and their own curse. Thanks to a mysterious silver knight, everyone's stories will converge right at the spot where the river forks. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in Armenia casually feeding a dragon in a pit. With a little elbow grease, his future wife will break the dragon's curse, but for her efforts she'll be cast into the wilderness. There, she meets another lad with another curious affliction, only this time she's powerless to help. Fortunately, his mommy is available to solve his problems for him.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

This week, we're on the island of Messina (at least we're pretty sure) to meet a kid who loves to swim. Too much, his mother would argue. In her anger, she inadvertently turns him into a fish-like creature. The transformation suits him just fine, at least until the king starts making him run water errands. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in Serbia to hear the continued adventures of Janko, one of our favorite OW Season 1 heroes. He's on a quest to retrieve his father's magic grape vine that produces a bucket of wine every hour. A cursed three-legged fox comes along to help him out, which is good news, since his mean older brothers are there to sabotage him at every turn. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

In Ghana, a poor man tries to get into the organic wine business, but something keeps breaking all his pots. He finds the culprit and follows it to its domain, where he is compensated for his losses with a superpower that leads him to gold, wives, and glory. All he has to do is keep it secret—a big ask for an honest man. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

In Italy today, we find three sisters who worm their way into the royal court. But when one marries the king, the other two are jealous, and they take it out on her children. The kids turn out okay—at least until a smack-talking bird appears to start bossing them around. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're back and we're celebrating in Iceland, where a peasant befriends a small man with a penchant for pilfering. The little guy gets into a stealing competition that escalates into absurdity, and when the queen hears about it, she wants in. But first, she'll have to get around her husband. Come for the Monty Hall Problem, stay for the litter of kittens. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we have a Croatian story about a hero who is basically a serial killer. After awkwardly deriving powers from a fairy, he sets out to get some weapons, but the smiths won't like their payment. From there, it's a series of escalating battles until he decides on an early retirement. One thing he'll never forget: breast is best. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we've got a Norse tale involving a third son who stumbles upon adventure after his brothers leave him high and dry. A crone points him and his donkey in the right direction, but he'll have to get past hungry dragons and pointy unicorns on his way to the castle that hangs from the sky. Fortunately they're keto, and nothing beats his meat.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in India to hear a love story for the ages. God tells Lailí there's only one man for her, and it's her job to get out there and find him—but there's only one fish who can get her to his kingdom. She finds it and hitches a ride, but the process has wasted her youth, and also she smells like a fish now. Can love prevail?For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in North America to hear about a poor Pawnee son who gets lost in a grizzly bear den. The bears razz him for a while, but ultimately let him go with some cool new superpowers. He can only live as long as the bear lives, and so he'll have to find a way to cut his BFF in on the animal powers deal. Adventure AND friendship? Everybody wins. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

We're in Martinique to hear about Madame Kélerman, an old witch whose name you'd better not forget. If you do forget, however, the crabs might know it, so you could try asking them. Head down to the spring and look for the little clutch of straw boater hats—all the cool crabs wear them. Don't miss the floor show, and please remember the two drink minimum. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today in Yugoslavia, a manic pixie dream princess is trying to spend ten thousand hours practicing embroidery, but her parents keep bugging her to marry. She falls in love with a pigeon-man who flies into her window and into the milk bowl of her heart. After he ghosts her, she concocts an elaborate scheme to find him. But will she ever be Main Character beautiful again?For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Welcome back to Russia, where one Ivan pulls ahead of the pack. He has to kill some pretty standard-issue monsters, but the monsters' parents find out and that's when Ivan's journey really takes off. He'll head to the Invisible Kingdom in the Unknown Land with the help of some old men who enjoy beer and steam baths and they'll have a lovely time. Really. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Today we're in New Zealand to hear a tale of two wizards, both of them jerks. What starts with a lost fish hook rapidly escalates into a wizard vs wizard war. When one of them breaks some obscure rule of wizarding and gets turned permanently into a fish, the other one is happy to take the W. After that, it's time to net his nemesis, and you'd better stay out of his way. For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

This episode marks the conclusion of our lil vacation, and of our raid on the patron-exclusives vault. If you like it, consider joining the club for fresh anthology eps every month. Until then, here's how we described this throwback to November 2020 when it was fresh:We're back for another episode of mini stories from around the world exclusively for Patrons. This crop features kings in disguise, magic shape-shifters, an awesome party, and even a classic evil stepmother, so put on your dancin' shoes, and let's party.For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.

Our three-week hiatus continues. Like last week, we're pleased to share our patron-exclusive episode, this one from October of 2021. Here's how we described it back then:Welcome to another episode of small tales for Patrons. We'll alternate telling six different tiny ghost stories from all over the globe. Along the way, we'll meet ghosts that talk, howl, fight, stare, fall, and, of course, terrify. Thanks for the support, and happy haunting!For sources and links, check out our Patreon, or follow on Twitter. Our theme music is from Carnaval des Animaux, performed by Aitua.