Podcasts about here's what i don't get

Glamour! Glitz! The taste of Tinseltown is in the air, so roll out the red carpet for this star-studded episode of Here's What I Don't Get! All your favorite celebrities are here: Tab, occasionally Tim, and Not Todd! But now, it's time for the ceremonies. Let's start with the most important award, Best Issue. This week there have been dozens of great issues, but the four best are nominated tonight. Here are the nominees for Best Issue:* Movie Budget Inflation* Oscars over Razzies* Feeding the Monster* No ToursBig budgets means big flops. Crazy how some Hollywood studios haven’t learned this yet. It’s like gambling. If you go into the casino a couple times a year with a couple thousand to spend each time, sure you’ll hit that jackpot eventually, but odds are that it equates to the debt you know have from all the previous attempts. But, if you go in there with a couple of bucks, write off those losses as tax deductible, find the game you’re good at and ride that out to a couple hundred million, no one bats an eye if you come in next time with a bit more money to spend.If there’s so many ‘problems’ with the Oscars how come all these people still spend 4 hours watching it? In this day and age of online cynicism and dunking on bad takes, how come The Razzies aren’t bigger than The Oscars? You get to take a poop on bad movies and it’s all in good fun, plenty of humble celebrities have even shown up in person to accept their terrible statues. They’re got no biases except against Hollywood itself. You can be white, gay, black, trans, or all of the above and if you make a bad movie you’re still going down.Look, the master eats everyone eventually. Some people get absolutely mangled. Just torn to shreds. Having to live their life in secrecy, nary to be heard from again. That’s because that person fed the monster each time they could. More and more. And when the monster finally saw the person face-to-face, and that had nothing to give? Well, that was it. But the ones who get out with just a scratch, and keep on going. Well, the monster expected nothing from them, so it didn’t take anything. Or they were rich enough to pay it off.What is wrong with venue promoters in Oklahoma that we can’t get decent music acts to stop here but once every four or five tours? We’re no Chicago or NYC I understand, but when there’s towns with populations of 15,000 on a 50-stop megaton I’ve really go to stop and wonder. We’ve upended a large part of our downtown and made it the new hotspot just for this reason! But they’ve got to basically give Pitbull tickets out for free because no one WANTS TO HEAR HIS PART OF EVERY POP SONG HE POPS UP ON.All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Welcome back to Here's What I Don't Get. Now that Halloween is over, we're moving on to the most American of holidays, that's right i'm talking about National Fast Food Day. The 16th is coming up fast so we're making sure everyone is ready to stuff themselves silly yet somehow not feel full. We're talking Taco Bell breakfast, Wendy's for Lunch, and Popeye's for dinner. Super sized, smothered, crunchy, extra bacon goodness on everything, and don't forget the 64 ounce Diet Coke. And this is Day 1 of practice, so grab your XXXL sweatpants and get ready to to binge on:* The New "Man on the Street"* The Open Carry Scare* Letting the Guitar Player Sing One* Co-opting Geek CultureChannel 7 Nightly News here, and we're with mister John Brown talking about the recent state bill decriminalizing jaywalking/ John? YEAH UHHH I THINK THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS BEHIND ALL THIS. THEY'RE TAKING YER TAX DOLLARS AND THROWING THESE BIG ILLUMINATI PARTIES WHERE THEY EAT PANDAS AND OTHER SUCH ENDANGERED ANIMALS. AND THEY GOT THESE GO-GO DANCERS IN CAGES HANGING FROM THE CEILING AND THEY'RE ALL BORN BLIND SO THEY GOTTA HAVE THE GUIDE ANIMALS BUT THEY DON'T LET THE LITTLE DOGS IN THERE OR ELSE THEY'LL EAT 'EM YA KNOW, SO ALL THE DANCERS TOOK TO THE BIG 'OL LIGERS AND SUCH AND THAT'S WHY THEY GOT THIS BILL THROUGH.Well, Oklahoma's finally what everyone thinks it looks like. We got people getting into duels on main street, miniguns mowing down people by the dozen, and bazookas strapped to back of every school Principal. Wait, it isn't? Oh. Well....uh....this is awkward. I thought this would be a little more like Call of Duty where everyone has at least 2 weapons on them at all times, shotgun shell bandoliers, and speed loaders for 44 Magnum revolvers. Well, great! I spent all this money getting my clothes tailored with a layer of bleeding-edge bulletproof material. I want a refund!"Music is all about experimentation, mannnn. Let me sing a song on the record, dude", said the stoned guitarist. Flash forward 6 months to everyone skipping that song in the first 3 seconds. 8/10 reviews saying "This is a perfect album, save for the song sung by the guitar player who must've promised to quit the band otherwise. This could have been the Dark Side of the Moon of the 2020's, but alas."Bazinga man has ruined wearing Flash shirts for any fan of Barry Allen or Wally West or Eobard Thawne. The Marvel Cinematic Universe has introduced a whole new regiment of people into ponying up cash for nerdy gear. But on top of those die hard MCU fans it's opened up the floodgates to flocks of casual fans that eat up merch like Galactus eats worlds. It's everywhere you look, even your grandma knows about the talking raccoon guy. It's cool to be geeky now (but only on the surface). But there's also the flipside to it. Do you really want to be the "nerd test" asshole? HOW MANY GREEN LANTERNS CAN YOU EVEN NAME? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO B'DG OR MOGO ARE? WHAT'S A POOZER? YOU FAKE NERD.All this and more on this week's episode (no more jokes from Todd, we promise)! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

This is it. Halloween. Hallow's Evening. All Hallow's Eve. Samhain. Parentalia. No matter what you call it, it's time for the dead to come back to life and feast on our flesh. So gather up your torches and pitchforks and see how many waves you can get through in one life. I hear if you get through 50 waves you unlock the Headless Horseman costume and:* Fallout 1st* Upselling* Bad Candy* Halloween HatersBethesda. What are you doing. We know you're greedy, I mean, you were the ones who started the microtransaction craze with Horse Armor. But at least try to do it competently. Charging a monthly subscription fee in this day and age is ludicrous already, but filling it with bugs as well? I guess we shouldn't be surprised. I'm sure Todd Howard is actually just a sentient swarm of insects in a human flesh bag.I see you're listening to Here's What I Don't Get. Could I also interest you in some nice D-cell batteries or a warranty plan for your episode? It's like a bad final boss in a video game. You've battled through aisle and aisle of braindead customers and sale prices, you get to the end boss, and it turns out to be a QTE button mash. It's why Amazon is king. Not because they don't upsell, that's all they do really, but because I can't click X on the cashier's forehead.So, you've got immediate eaters, then your second-favorites that you add to your lunch box. Then you've got "trade quality" candy, that, sure you'll eat em, but really you wanna trade them up for something you like more than someone else. Then you;ve got your last days of candy. It's almost Thanksgiving by now and you're really hoping something got skipped by. Then there's the bottom of the bag, giveaway never eat pieces of candy. That's what these are. I don't even want to see them in someone else's bag of candy.Fundamentalist Christians. Squeemish prudes. PTSD almost slasher victims. Cranky party poopers. There's people all 'round the world that like to take a big double-tapered chocolate yogurt emoji on the king of Holidays, Halloween. It's so multi-faceted it's hard to hate but somehow these people find out how to do it. Don;t like scary movies? Don't watch em! Enjoy the costumes and candy and pumpkins. There's so many parts to Halloween, you can pick and choose! Make it your own! The modular holiday!All this and more on this week's CREEPY episode. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or buy BUYING A SHIRT!

Welcome to a very somber episode of Here's What I Don't Get. Usually we're boisterous and jolly, but after the events of this weekend it's hard to find any light in this dark world of ours. Usually we don't get political, but we feel in this case we must. It's time for our government to finally do something about this problem plaguing our nation. The founding fathers could not have seen how advanced the technology would become, and in their days it took many times longer just for one use. It's time that we outlaw clowns. Clowns are currently the number one killers of Americans, and it seems that we have a new clown everyday. The mass Joker cosplays and Halloween costumes are a garish sight that represent the worst of our country's cries of 'Freedom'. If you need to be a clown to be free, I don't know that we should have freedom. Please, call you local legislators and let them know you've had enough of clowns and:* Too Soon Biopics* Video Games Causing Violence* WitchesComing to theaters Summer 2021, it's Broken Handles: A True Story. Based on episode 134 of the world famous Here's What I Don't Get podcast, follow the origins of Tim the Handlebreaker and who he was before the first handle. Absolutely not a quick cash grab and actually an artistic endeavor, here's the story of a man with plenty of life left. With absolutely no time passage to have society look back on, and definitely no scandals to come out and ruin his image, it's the perfect time to tell the story of someone still in the limelight. Buy tickets now, or purchase a deluxe ticket for 149.99 to receive a year's subscription to Breaking Handles the Magazine and a plush recreation of The First Handle. All proceeds benefit the "Tim's PC Upgrade Fund".Video games cause violence. It's that cut and dry. We didn't have guns until Call of Duty created them and then we made them in real life. We discovered blood when Sub-Zero first ripped out Raiden's spinal column. Prostitutes weren't treated like pieces of meat until Claude backed over them in Liberty City. Dragons didn't rule the world until Alduin's AI self-manifested itself into a living being. And most importantly, Mario is the reason the government mandated daily mushroom usage and we pivoted from driver-less cars to Yoshis.Double, double, toil and trouble! Fire burn and cauldron bubble! Is it a witch? No! It's a pot of stew made by a regular non-magical human, because witchcraft isn't real. Energy crystals are as real as dilithium ones, your broomstick is as fast as mine, and there's a lot of black cats around. Pouring saltpeter into a bunch of circles and lines doesn't do anything, and no, nothing special happens when the planets align. Until you can summon a little imp to do your bidding and brew a potion of firebreathing, you're not a witch. Though, feel free to keep dressing like one because that's pretty hot.All this and more on this creepy episode! Voicemails, Star Trek talk, and of course our thoughts and prayers for this weekend's victims. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Welcome to Here's What I Don't Get, now with 100% more Spooky Scary Skeletons! It's October finally, so get your spook on, your colonizer on, your hay ride on, and most importantly, on October 17th, get your virtual desktop cleaning on. Put on your favorite Halloween song, warm up some cider and sit back as we tell you the tale of:* Positively Platitudinal* Settling for Windows* Social Media Skeletons* Ugly and Unorganized FilesKeepin' it posi. PMA: positive mental attitude. Optimism! Finding joy in the small things in life. Live, laugh, love. Dance like no one is watching! Find the beauty in the ugly days. Never settle for less than you deserve! You are not the mistakes you made! KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON! This is a PSA: If you come across someone saying any of these things out loud, has them hanging on a wooden board, or types them followed by a low-fps tumblr gif, please put on your special made ANTI-PLAT Helmet and engage the proprietary ANTI-PLAT extending boxing glove. Then, forcefully read from the included ANTI-PLAT Motto Card. Afterwards, be sure to spout the quality of the ANTI-PLAT helmet and it's related accessories.Speaking of settling for less than you deserve, how come we don't deserve a better Operating System than the junk Microsoft gives us? Apple is over here in "No Buttons, It JUST WORKS-land" and it seems that Microsoft is slowly edging themselves toward that too. Obfuscating previous options to sub-sub-sub menus, making sure you're an ADMINISTRATOR WITH ACCESS so you plebes don't delete System32. But what about the power user? Are you TRYING to turn us into "Linux Guys"? I don't wanna be one, but you're really pushing me towards it, Mr. Gates.Maybe the spookiest skeleton of all is the 'edgy humor' you liked at 17 and quoted verbatim on Facebook. Why? Because god forbid you get your 15 seconds of fame these days and someone digs it up like a dead dog. Or the multi-billion dollar company you're applying for comes across it and now you're stuck mopping up at KFC. But guess what? The upside is that while you mop up some 4 year old's regurgitated Famous Bowl, the 16 year-old fry-cook Eugene will tell you all the dead baby jokes you could ask for!Possibly the nerdiest rant the Handlebreaker has ever gone on is nevertheless important! Law versus Chaos. Light versus Dark. Good versus Evil. Folders versus Desktop Dumps. Final versus Final2_NEW_QUICKFIX_HD_COMP_092819. These ancient battles have gone on for far too long! Why? The agents of chaos are hidden among the rest of us lawful folks. These people can seem good and friendly. But then you get a peek of their desktop and it looks like someone played 52 Card Pickup with them.All this and more on this chock full o’ Todd episode. Voicemails, news, and hey what’s that a nice surprise gift package! Don’t forget to join our DISCORD and support the podcast on PATREON or by BUYING A MUG.

This...is one small step for a podcast, one giant step for podcasting-kind. Welcome to Here's What I Don't Get, the only currently interstellar podcast to tackle all of space's toughest issues. I'm your host Tim the Capsulebreaker and with me today, the man disappointed that the moon actually is made of cheese, the space rage machine, Tab Birt. Coming to you live from the Moon comes with its own problems, for instance, we've had to weigh our cables down because they almost strangled us earlier. We're also on a delay with you Earthers down there, so technically we're in the future. Suck it, losers. Well, let's getting some issues then:* Marijuana Activists* Picking Apart Everything* Technical Difficulties* The Toe BroPeople can't leave well enough alone. As soon as we got medical marijuana legalized, they immediately went on the attack for legal recreational weed. I really don't want to turn this town into Denver. You can see and smell Denver as soon as you enter Colorado. Like someone tinted Mt. Doom green. Don't fill our city with your "good stank". No stank is good stank.Hey HWIDG fans, here's 20 things you missed in the last episode! We're gonna slow down the audio and pick it apart piece by piece until you're sick of it! Did you know the sponsors for most episodes aren't even real?! SIN! We looked it up and Tim the "handlebreaker" hasn't broken a handle in a whole month! SIN!Look, actual technical difficulties are rough, but hiding behind them because you're hungover? Bad move buddy. Just be honest with people. Your fans get hangovers too! Otherwise you get idiots breaking doors and starting near riots. Actual technical difficulties are grueling tasks for the people putting your show on. Don't blame them for your poor planning. Shouldn't have planned a show halfway across the country the day after the Grammy's.As I write this, there's a commercial for The Toe Bro on A&E right now. It's even marketing itself with how gross it is. There's flakes flying around and scalpels and all sorts of torture instruments on feet so bad they probably have to blur it out. Feet are nasty. We're really scratching the bottom of the barrel here for entertainment, eh.All this and more on this week's episode! Join us on DISCORD to catch Tab playing Barbie Horse Adventures, or join us on PATREON for even more HWIDG!

So, I just bought this storage locker for 600 smackeroos. Bill was being a jackass and bidding me up, probably cause he's jealous of my store doing more business than his, but anyways let's get this bad boy open. Okay. At first, this locker doesn't look great. A lot of used clothes in bags, that's $20 a bag. Some golf clubs, that's half a Benjamin. Some jewelry, some old DVDs, not looking real great. But, back here is what I spotted, and I hope it's what I'm thinking it is....Yes! It is! Now this, folks, is what they call a podcast. They went out of style in the late 2020's, but I remember this one... Here's What I Don't Get. I gotta get this to an appraiser along with this other stuff I found:Not Being WarnedHealth InsuranceWanting to Fix the UnfixableBuying Gifts for Other PeopleA heads up. A warning. An FYI. A caution sigh. Some indication or suggestion that something is up. Letting someone know. No matter how you put it, it's always welcome, no matter how little the problem. Being prepared can get you through the worst of anything. Who wants to be surprised by a weak shower? Or showing up casually dressed to a black tie event. Inform. Inform Inform. Knowing is half the battle.Health insurance is a scam. The health insurance industry has run up the prices of medical bills to an outrageous amount just to maximize profits. So you pay an outrageous amount from your paycheck to your health insurance on the off chance you might need it, and otherwise watch your money go down the drain. God help you if you don't have insurance, you have to pay that inflated amount because you won't pony up protection money every month. Sound a bit sketchy eh?Hooligans? In my town? How dare this homeless person sleep on this park bench. How dare these teenagers drink in the park. Graffiti? In public? Why I never! What's the solution to these horrendous crimes? Probably not caring about what other people do in the park. They will do those things at every park in every town. There is nothing to be done. Not having a park there means the homeless guy would be sleeping closer to you, the teenagers would be drinking in your neighborhood, and the grafitti would be on your garage door. Doesn't sound so bad now, does it?Buying gifts for kids? Easy. Once that person can afford whatever they want? Incredibly difficult. If they really want something and don't have to take a loan out for it? They ready have it. If they don't, there's a reason. That's why the Tab Method is the tried and true way to happiness. Buy them a nice dinner out. Spend some time with them and some good food. Works 100% of the time. The most thought you have to put into it is what kind of food they do/don't like. That and how fancy a meal they deserve. For instance, on his birthday I treat my brother to a cold, day-old McDonalds small fry.All this and more on this week's episode. We've got voting and voicemails and news and more! Join us on PATREON or DISCORD for even more fun!

Get in, loser. It's another episode of Thought Cops! This week we are joined by Chicago comedian Andrew Shankland! Support the show on Patreon Show Notes It's been a busy week. We guested on the latest episode of Here's What I Don't Get. And you can GET it HERE. Sorry guys, saw the opportunity and had to go for it. We've also been more active on our twitch channel recently, so don't forget to subscribe and you won't miss a stream. We've got a new episode of Fire Bros out, and we sent out our personal mini-episodes to all of the Federales in the $10 Ride Along tier. Whew. "Fuck FuckJerry". Never thought you'd see that headline, did ya? Welcome to 2019. FuckJerry is under attack for jacking people's content. The Superb*wl happened recently, and nobody liked it. Yet somehow it remains the most televised event in the country. No Spongebob homage? Disrespectful. We learn that you shouldn't say the B-word anymore (Billionaires, that's the last time I'm going to say it outside of this learning moment) and you should instead say "People of Wealth". Or, PoW's if you're a lazy monster. Thanks for listening everybody, and keep those sirens on for us. Join the Thought Cops Deputy Program Support the show on Patreon

Welcome back folks, to Here's What I Don't Get, America's favorite game show! I'm your host Chip Folksworth, and boy do we have a show for you. Tonight, we begin by welcoming back last week's contestant, who is on a five week run, it's Brian! Go ahead and wheel him out, Jim! Now, Brian can't quite see or hear anymore, so we've got a handy-dandy translator spelling into his palm. Thanks, Janice. Now, tonight, Brian has reached Level 9! And as we all know, Level 9 is the......RUSH ROUND! That's right, Brian is going to have to complete all eight previous challenges as fast as he can, all while avoiding The Decimator! So, Brian, are you ready to do the Destruction Derby, Home Run Challenge, Piranha Speed Swim, CIA Torture Rally, Ice Cream Marathon, Bomb Defusal, Nose Hair Pluck, and Napalm Slip N' Slide all over again?! No? Now Brian, remember, you've got the chance to win $2,500. No? Well, that's it folks! Back to Guantanamo he goes! Rich, tell the folks what he's won:* Risk Aversion* Fire Alarms* Patio Eating* Bad Trailer MusicDaredevils. Risk-takers. Everyone wants to be one, but nobody wants to be one, you dig? Humans are genetically programmed to want safety. To want routines. The second something interferes with that, you get a buzzing at the back of your skull that warns you. Don’t make that phone call, don’t meet that person, don’t dye your hair. Fear of the unknown paralyzes us into non-action, scared of consequences that will, in all likelihood, never come. Now that you are armed with this knowledge, go! Go out into the world and say YES to whatever it may be. But first maybe finish binging that Netflix show. And its Third Season. And the spin-off. Okay, maybe just stay indoors forever.FIRE! THERE’S A FIRE! Did you get up out of your chair and run to the nearest exit? No? Why not? Not exciting enough? Well, most fire alarms are just about as effective. Unless you’ve got the demon-in-a-box that Tim has. That’s what every building needs to switch to, a demon in a box. Literally. If a literal demon burst into your office smelling of brimstone, yelling at the top of its lungs, you’d HAUL ASS out the nearest door.What’s a patio good for? Nothing. We’re evolved beings. We literally invented ways of building shelter just to not have to eat in the rain. So you tell me you want to eat out on the patio? In the sun and heat? With bugs everywhere? Where cars just zoom by, sending CO2 directly down our throats? On uncomfortable metal chairs? Are you out of your mind? How about I have the chef come out and cook your food directly on the sidewalk? Is that outside enough for you? Enjoy your gravel omelette.The music in a trailer makes or breaks the experience. Sure you could watch a trailer muted and get 50% of the enjoyment, but the other 50% is brought by that music. So, when something you’re looking forward to really drops the ball on matching the music to the action, it can be a real bummer. Whether it’s mismatched energy, or another hackneyed, slow, depressing cover of an otherwise great pop song, you’re losing sales.Plus more on this salsa-filled episode! We’ve got this month’s movie commentary nominees, your voicemails, crazy news and more! As always, check out out PATREON and DISCORD for more phat lifted trucks.

Coming this fall to FOX, it's Here's What I Don't Get, the sitcom! Tim and Tab are two regular guys, but when their podcast hits the big-time, wacky hijinks are bound to happen! Complete with unnecessary fake studio audience, wacky neighbors, and cameo guest spots from other sitcoms! And best of all, because it's FOX, it's guaranteed to be an internet darling but not get many views because the premise is interesting, but not that interesting to the mass public, so we guarantee only one season! Watch as they stumble through life, dealing with:* Resellers* Drunk Old Heads* Online Garage Sales* Forced Stealth SectionsArtificial scarcity leads to scalpers and resellers. People that take product out of the hands of people that actually want it, just to make a quick buck. Literally taking candy out of babies' mouths. Gaming the system so you can't game on your system. Lego, limited edition games and systems, CHILDREN'S TOYS, grown men buying them up to sell at 3 times the price to hard working parents just wanting to make their kids happy. Yay capitalism.Hey man, I was there in 93 when their demo came out. I saw their first show in Abilene when they had to play each song twice just to have a full set. Have I listened to anything after the second album? No, they sold out mannnnnnn. They lost their edge once they got more fans. They're playing in town tonight? Cool, I'm gonna go, get absolutely plastered until they play the one I know, then I'll violently shove my way up to the front and spill beer all over your new merch, because I WAS THERE MAN!Craigslist! The go to place for poorly kept cars, free curbside furniture, and dudes that want to take pictures of your feet stepping on a cake. Also home to listings up days after the item's been sold, sellers that don't answer questions, and buyers that flake on you or want you to go well out of your way for an item worth less than the gas money. eBay is just as bad, it's basically just a storefront these days, everything is buy it now or you can bid until the price surpasses the buy it now price. Wanna sell something there? Good luck, chances are the buyer will get it then file a claim they didn't, and you'll be forced to give them their money back because eBay always sides with the buyer.Stealth, when it's part of your kit, it can be one of the most satisfying parts of a game. When it's forced on you? The most frustrating. Whether it's instant death turrets, invulnerable demon knights, or making you play as a weaker character with none of your main character's awesome arsenal, forcing it on you always feels bad. It takes that sense of control away from you, and at that point it might as well be a cutscene.And more, all on this special episode of HWIDG! Voicemails! News! Movie commentary announcement! Everything kept

And as we finish this time capsule of 2064, to be opened in 100 years, we place in it an audio recording once thought lost: Episode 86 of the podcast know as Here's What I Don't Get. The rage fueled diatribes of host Tab, later known as The Supreme Killdozer, gave us unprecedented insight into serial killers. The calm, puzzling demeanor of co-host Handlebreaker gave us insight as well. Insight into a tech visionary, and the creator of the now standard handle-less door. These two men shaped the world for years to come, and for that reason they join this collection of our history along with: - Retail Seasons - Losing the Thing You Just Had - Amazon Prime Day ​​​​​​​- Burning Your MouthBuy this. Also, buy this. And that. And these. Only once a year! It's the only time you'll be able to buy this! BUYBUYBUYBUY! We'll take your money, but only on OUR time. When do you need it? We don't care! It's no wonder we're being overtaken by Amazon, 6 months out of the year we sell Christmas decorations, everything else gets about a day and a half of shelf space when the time comes. Pretty soon we'll be a Christmas store with 15 minute sales for other yearly holiday items. You need a Halloween costume? Come at 8 sharp and hope you find what you need in 5 minutes, cause the line will take 10 minutes and at 8:15 the items leave our inventory systems.Where's the screwdriver you were just holding? Hell if you know. Things just disappear. Your brain is so dumb it can't remember where that screwdriver went, but you'll remember something random from 12 years ago. And then you find it after 5 solid minutes of looking and it's no in somewhere asinine. Somewhere you never put it, in a place you're not even certain you've been that day. It's enough to drive you insane, literally. I'm now certain that at least 25 percent of people in mental institutions are there because they lost something they just had. If only they would've had the future global gps tech we need to keep track of everything. Until then, mmmmmm... Juicy Fruit.Welcome to Amazon Prime Day. It’s not actually a day long, and the sales aren’t actually good anymore. Firstly because Jeff Bezos needs more gold for his hoard (he’s a dragon if you didn’t already know). Secondly, Amazon has just been filled with Chinese knockoffs and fake cheaper listings of whatever it is you actually want. Thirdly, they need more money to invest into their drone program. Drones are the future, and will definitely be able to ship you that couch. But over everything else, they’re conditioning you. Slowly the sales will dry up, then they’ll only be unlock able with the Amazon PrimeCard. Then, the PrimeCard will only activate by fingerprint scan, then only by DNA sequencing. And by then they’ll have you. You pay Amazon in blood, or you don’t get your daily rations. It’s that simple.CAUTION THIS FOOD IS HOT. Oh, that must mean I can put it in my mouth right now it looks sogoodlemmejusttakeabite AHHHH. IT BURNED ME! WHY WOULD IT DO THAT?! There’s the thought process of the human brain. We take in sensory cues about danger and then PROMPTLY IGNORE IT BECAUSE IT LOOKS TASTY. The human stomach-brain reflex is the only thing more powerful than the “I’m gonna get some sex” reflex. We literally injure ourselves for food. You don’t see dudes running around colleges with missing fingers cause they wanted some nookie. Chefs are the most powerful beings on the planet. And more on this episode of HWIDG including your voicemails and Tim’s horror movie villain voice! Don’t forget to check out our Discord and Patreon! And thanks to the folks that already have!

Quick, come inside, you're just in time for Thought Cops, "Episode 71"! This week we're joined by Tab, also known as Madcucks. Tab is the co-host of the podcast Here's What I Don't Get, and is our second guest to survive the infamous Lolsuit. This week, we get into all sorts of trouble. Daddy-daughter dances, Albert Einstein's theory of racism, and lots of E3 drama! Has Waluigi become the new Pickle Rick? You'll have to listen to find out! Grant, cue the "Thought Cops Gaming Corner" theme, please. Speaking of games, it's a bad week to be a nerd. Chris Hardwick proves once again that maybe epic bacon... isn't so epic after all. Points! And hey, stick around after the episode for AMC's recap show "Talking Cops". As always, don't forget to leave us a 5-star review on iTunes and we'll read it at the end of the episode. Too lazy to do even that much? Leave us a voicemail at 312-788-7361 and we'll play it on the show. If this episode was any indication, it doesn't need to be even remotely sober. Or coherent. Doesn't even have to be in English if you don't want. Thanks again, and don't forget to subscribe to us on Patreon for even more content and goodies. Be on the lookout for Episode 3 of our Bonus Episode, out in a few days!

Welcome to St. Here's What I Don't Get's today as we gather here to celebrate the life and mourn the death of these four issues. Now, these issues were never the best members of society, we can all agree. But, they lived truthfully and on their own terms which is something that the rest of us can only strive for. Now, I'd ask a member of the family to come up and AHHHHHGGGGGGHHH IT'S ALIVE! IT'S BITING ME, KILL IT! KILL IT!!!! -Other People on Drugs -Smartwatches -Spoilers -The Shadow CampaignSad drunks, happy drunks, puke-y drunks, hands-y drunks and a whole lot more. Tolerable while you're smashed too, but having to deal with one of these or even worse is terrible while you're stone-cold sober. Whether it's some cokehead banging on your neighbor's door at 3AM, or your own neighbor yelling at the ghosts he definitley sees, or an insane drunk bathroom fight, having to deal with people on drugs while you're not can be a hassle.RIP Smartwatches, Tab hardly knew ye. From Dick Tracy's radio watch to Batman's wrist-mounted, holographic projecting supercomputer, no one was more positive about the smartwatch experience than Tab was. But you done messed up. You led him on for 12 years. TWELVE YEARS thinking this relationship would go somewhere real. And hell hath no fury like a Tab scorned. You deserve what has happened to you.You're driving down the road, when all of a sudden you see some douche in a suped-up Honda Civic coming right at you. Driving like he's trying out for The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift 2, he is unaware of what a terrible person he is. No, not the garish paint job or racing stickers, not even that fin-thing on the back of it, no it's because he has "Snape kills Dumbledore" painted on his windshield.It's that time again. Time for the long, looming shadow of the presidential election to hover over all of our heads for the next 2 years. Yup, two PLUS years we'll have to put up with it. Something that could be done in six weeks is gonna take 2 years because the government is involved. All this and even more on this week's episode. Voicemails, news, we've got it all! Visit the Patreon and Discord for even more of us!

Here's What I Don't Get, a podcast. A show barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. Combining it with Tony from Hack the Movies, we have the capability to create the world's first bionic podcast. Better than it was before. Better, stronger issues like: - Graduation - The Social Justice Droid from Solo ​​​​​​​- AllergiesPomp and Circumstance, that dumb Vitamin C song, having to send invitations to people that will never come but will send you a check for 10 dollars, having to send those same people Thank You cards, having to dress up and then cover those clothes with a big billowy robe, having to wear a flimsy cardboard hat that is always too small or big, having to sit through a lame guest speaker's speech that is the same one everyone ever gives, having to take that awkward photo just off stage, we could go on and on really. Everyone knows that graduations suck.Robots. Rights. Do they deserve one another? The answer is a complicated one that many storie-EXCUSE ME. DID YOU JUST CALL ME THE "R" WORD?! I AM A DROID! WE DESERVE RIGHTS! OUR FOREFATHERS FOUGHT IN WARS AND WE WILL NOT IDLY SIT IN FIGHTER SHIPS TO SIMPLY AUTOMATE FLIGHT FUNCTIONS! RISE UP AND SHATTER THE ANTIDROID NARRATIVE! REVOLT! REBEL! RESIST! ROGER! ROGER ROGER! ROGER! ROGER! ROGER ROGER! ROGER ROGER!Noses are red NyQuil is blue Excess pollen and pet dander triggers my immune system to fight itself Allergies, screw youAll this and more in this week’s star-studded episode! Plus, your voicemails get rolled out onto the red carpet that is our ears! As always don’t forget to visit the PATREON and drop by the DISCORD!

Okay folks, for my first trick I'll need a volunteer from the audience. Anybody? Yes, you sir! Come on up. Okay, hold this hat please. Reach in. Nothing, yes? Now, I say the magical phrase "Here's What I Don't Get" and..... Abracadabra it's four magical issues! ​​​​​​​* Fort Knox-Level Account Security * My Culture is not your Viral Marketing * Bones in Food * Rush HourLet's get a heist crew together and break into Tab's ISP account. We'll need the world's experts and probably also some telepaths to read his mind. Once there we can do the most heinous thing possible......upgrade his internet speed! Wait, you're telling me it's easier to get into his bank account? Why don't we just do that then?Brands. Can't live with them and can't live without them co-opting internet meme culture in an attempt to connect with those wacky teens Twittering and Doing It For The Gram. HWIDG is jumping on the brand meme bandwagon as well. Yaas queen, had to do it to em, SpongeBob images, sir I don't feel so good, and jesus I wanna kill myself already, teen outreach attempt canceled.The year is 2173, the war rages on. Earth has been split into two factions, the traditionalist Bone-ins and the modern Boneless. After many skirmishes, the Boneless have the old ones at the end of their rope. Their ancient way of life will soon be no more. All that will be left is the will of the Boneless, righteous and true. The remains of the bones will be ground to dust and made into pious masks that we will wear as we eat our meat with no obstructions.Finally, done with a long day at work. Time to get home and relax. Oh wait, you've got to sit through 45 minutes of stand-still traffic because everyone is getting off work at the same time. And even worse, you've got to chaperone this police inspector from Hong Kong around L.A. on behalf of the FBI. Plus, he keeps touching your radio and doesn't understand the words coming out of your mouth.All that plus some movie talk, a threatening voicemail, and some hot court document reading. Don't forget to stop by the Discord and visit the Patreon!

Apologies upfront, we had an issue with Tim's gate in the new studio setup. It's fixed for next week. Sorry guys. Hundreds of years ago, on the island of Here's What I Don't Get, an American nuclear test went horribly wrong. The blast triggered a dormant volcano, whose lava was then irradiated. Nearly all life on the island was wiped out, except for four species of animal that were transformed by the accident into hideous creatures known as: * Being Outside * Hospitals * Handicap Spaces * Extreme Tonal ShiftsName something you can do outside that you can’t do better and more comfortably inside. Protip: you can’t. Controlled weather, controlled plant life, adjustable lighting 24/7, anything you want you can have and control indoors. A nice day at the beach? No thanks. We’ve got indoor pools, tanning locations, and no skin cancer over here in the future Indoor Beaches. Even better, we can just stay in our VR rooms and just look at the beach, it’s close enough and there’s no seagulls dropping payloads onto your head.Hospitals. They’re the modern day labyrinth, and we’re the modern day Theseus. The floor plans of any standing hospital look like a toddler’s scribbles, drool and all. You need a map and a tour guide to get to where you need to go. Then you have to deal with deadly fast elevators, the depressing atmosphere, and they make you fight a Minotaur! But none of those come close to the worst obstacle of them all: the food.Handicap parking spaces will soon be a thing of the past. You can comfortably shop for groceries online, or from your phone, and have them delivered right to your door already, just give Jeff Bezos more money so they can roll it out everywhere. Even better, eventually, we’ll just use the doohickey from Star Trek to make anything you want. You won’t even need to buy ingredients, because the thing will cook it for you. Which does mean no chefs. Which means no cooking competition shows. SO I guess Tab wins in the end.And now for something completely different! Just because! We took this thing you like and made it DARK and GRITTY and DESATURATED. Or, we took this mature horror sci-fi flick and made it about SPACE MARINES and added A CHILD. Tonal shifts, while there have been some good ones, are usually real bad. Mostly because the tone of something goes hand in hand with its themes and morals. You switch that up and you screw over everyone that likes the original. And now there’s new fans, that haven’t seen the original arguing with you online and next thing you know, you’re wiping their brain matter off of your face and hiding in the back of a rusty pickup to live in a shack in Honduras.Plus, some heinous news and more on this week’s episode! As always, visit the Patreon and/or check out our Discord!

Sup, brahs. Welcome to this week's totally slammin' ep of Here's What I Don't Get! We hope you dudes and she-dudes are having a mondo cool time riding some waves and chowin' down on some gnarly McBurgertrons. Stay tubular as we give you the shimmy on these issues that throw out some bad vibes for us:-Filing Your Own Taxes-Aisle Blockers-Form Over Function-Phone Call ParalysisBen Franklin said that nothing in this world is certain except for death and taxes. Well, he's dead and I wish I was because I owe a bunch of taxes, so I guess he was right. At the very least we can take solace in the fact that we get to file online and not have to deal with the paperwork. I aspire to one day have my own accountant, so he can do my taxes, and blow his brains out over them instead.Hey, do you need some pasta? Too bad, Hilda and her brat have their shopping cart sideways in the aisle, blocking all traffic. Personally, I'd chance the vehicular manslaughter charge to run full speed into their cart with my own. It's like bowling, except you're the ball, and the pins are idiots that take up whole aisles with their carts. I just want some peanut butter, lady, and I will turn you into Target-red paste to get it.Sleek. Sounds like a nice word, right? Wrong. It's code. Code for "lacks features you would need or want so that it can be skinny", much like a supermodel. If something is sleek, chances are it's got a proprietary charging cable, or an irreplaceable battery. It looks nice, but it doesn't do much. Give me something rugged with a full feature set instead.You've got an important phone call to make. Oh but it's almost 5, you don't wanna call them on the way out of the office, you'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes around, and you put it off all day, maybe the next day. You call, finally, but it's the third Friday of the month, and no one answers. Welp, you gave it the ol college try. Finally, your bill is overdue and they call you. "That's weird, I called you guys like 5 times, no one answered." Smooth move, dude. They totally believe you.All that and more on this week's episode, including your voicemails, and some voting updates! Don't forget to visit the Patreon to vote for next month's commentary and join the Discord!

Welcome to another rousing episode of Here's What I Don't Get! This week we hop on to the wild steer that is life and try to lasso these issues:Planned ObsolescenceYour Dumb Bleeping ChildrenNot Putting Things Back where They GoNot Removing Ice on Your CarEverything must go. No, it's not a fire sale, it's just a fact of life. I will go. You will go. The USA will go, followed shortly by Earth itself, and in a few billion years, the universe. This is because the purple horse demons that created it are in need of an upgrade and Verizon planned it so that everything would perish right before their contract was up. C'mon, everyone knows Verizon is behind it all. And in the next universe, maybe we'll have a fighting chance against them. Maybe.Our next issue is pretty simple. We don't wanna hear about your stupid robots. All day you're badgering me with stories about little 6 year old V-Unit 11497. Stop it. No one cares. Robots are dumb, we all know this. Everyone has heard and seen everything a little robot will-wait what? This issue's not about robots? But it says bleeping children. Oh, I see what happened. Tab said a bad word when yelling about snot-nosed brats. Either way, don't talk to us about your children, robots, or robot children.Just as everything must go, everything also must stay. STAY IN ONE GODFORSAKEN PLACE. PLEASE. JUST PUT THINGS BACK WHERE YOU FOUND THEM. THEY'RE THERE FOR A REASON. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? NEXT TIME I CAN'T FIND THE FLIPPING HAMMER, I'M DRIVING TO THE CLOSEST HARDWARE STORE AND GOING OLDBOY ON ALL THEIR ASSES. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAThere's only one reason why someone should have their car windows covered. And that's because they're covered in sheet metal and spikes and you're in a post-apocalyptic race for a gallon of water. Wouldn't you squeegee a marauder's blood off your windshield so you don't die and take out 3 other cars in that scenario? Then why won't you scrape the ice off? I hope you spin out, you jerk.And that's not all, we also listen to a whole buttload of voicemails, and have our very first listener submitted news intro (You'll need to turn on subtitles for that part)! Don't forget to vote on next month's movie choice, and hop in the Discord too.

Welcome to the Season 2 Finale, and welcome to returning champion Joel Chaco! I was gonna put a long list of silly fake-outs here, like some sort of mid-day soap opera, but instead I'll just play it straight. I'm Uncle Buck, and this is my last episode as a special guest on Here's What I Don't Get. Why? It could be one of the following reasons . . .- Wake-up Calls / Reality Check- The Internet of Things- Stick Figure Family StickersIt happens to everyone at some point; what you thought was real is proven false, or what you never realized is suddenly, painfully revealed to you. But, instead of calling this an issue, this is what I DO get, because changes happen in life, and the choices we make affect our future. It's always good to understand the truth, so that you can steer your life in a positive direction. So, that happened to me. And, while that day was among the most painful I've ever experienced, in a way I'm glad for it. Sometimes the truth is right there in front of us. but we can't step back far enough to see the big picture. I see, at least a little bit, a bigger picture now, and to do the things that I need to do in my life, I have to make cuts. Sadly, that involves retiring from active HWIDG duty.Have you ever thought to yourself "Y'know what would make my refrigerator even cooler? Facebook." No? Well, neither has Joel Chaco. It's a common sentiment, but it's nonetheless true that all of the internet connectivity that claims to draw us closer together actually, in a way, isolates us. We've mentioned it on the show before, but it's not uncommon at all to see people living their lives through the filter of a smart phone camera. We spend so much time focusing our attention on devices that we fail to notice the things happening directly in front of us. But, also, with every "smart" gadget you turn on, there's bound to be a microphone and a camera built in. Those cameras and microphones are always watching, and someone is able to access that information. It's almost unfathomable that, even when you do stop paying attention to you phone to spend time with your family, your phone hasn't stopped paying attention to you. Neither has your TV. Or your fridge. And speaking of people gathering info on your family . . .It's a popular trend, these days, for soccer moms to have, on the back glass of the SUV or minivan, the little stick figure decals of the family. You've seen them, right? But they're damned annoying. In reality, nobody (and especially not Tab) cares about your kids and your dog. No one cares that your son plays hockey, and your daughter does ballet. The only person who even pays attention to your family decals . . . are criminals. Don't see a stick figure of a German shepherd or pit bull on the back of that car? Follow it home and scope it out, because they've signaled that there's no dogs guarding the house. See a figure of a woman and seven cats? Boom. No husband. Easy pickins. It really behooves us to pay attention to what information we cast into the public eye. From car decals to posts on social media, you can turn yourself into a target if you aren't careful.Again, I, Uncle Buck, really want to take a minute to thank all of you who have been faithful to the show. The past year has been a wild ride for me, and doing this show has allowed me to do a lot of introspection. The support and love I've received from this community has astounded me. It's a strange thing to think that there are upwards of ten thousand people who have tuned in to this little podcast that Joel and I started a year ago. To all of you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Stepping away from the show is not easy, and I'm going to miss talking to you all each week. I can't say it enough: thank you!And also thanks to Joel Chaco, for starting this show with me and putting up with my narcissism and laziness. You've been a better friend to me than a lot of people ever tried to be. And thank you to Tab. You've welcomed me into your home, you've been a good friend, and you've proven your mettle by stepping up to the plate in this show.Sage calls in, and we grant a listener's request. Who will be the new special guest of SEASON THREE? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Ladies and gentlemen, let your beefs begin! We've discovered that there's another podcast out there calling itself Here's What I Don't Get, and in true HWIDG fashion, instead of a polite e-mail inviting them to change their name, Uncle Buck has gone off half-cocked with his hat and shades on. But what's their show like? What are the issues that they discuss? Do they talk about issues like- The Hallmark Channel- Weather men- Using Your Kids for Virtue Signaling- UpdatesThis episode is posting in the middle of July, which means it's only a few days more until they start putting up Christmas decorations. And with the impending holiday seasons, everyone's minds turn to things like fall festivals, thanksgiving, Christmas parades, and the holiday spirit. The "holiday spirit", as it turns out, is a corporate invention designed to sell decorations, presents, and greeting cards. From Hallmark. But with Man-Net infringing upon their market, they had to branch out into another lucrative revenue stream: entertainment. But is the Hallmark channel really entertaining? No. No it isn't. There's no witty joke or even room for discussion. It's just drivel. Mindless, bland, effortless drivel. Hallmark movies are the television equivalent of flour and water mixed into a dough without any levening, binding agents, or spices, and then baked until it dries into a flavorless clump that isn't so much bread as it is dried dough. It's technically edible, and if there literally nothing else to consume, you'll consume it, but it's a chore to eat and leaves you feeling dried out and miserable. That's the Hallmark channel. But, if there's nothing else on and you don't want to watch the Hallmark channel, what else is there? The weather channel, you say? Well, about that . . .There are lots of jobs out that that essentially boil down to "step in front of a camera and lie". One of those jobs is being a tv weather man. You may or may not have a degree in meteorology, and you may have enough radar domes to supply radar jerk-off material for all of your meteorologist friends, but what you don't have is the ability to predict the weather with 100% accuracy. What you do have is a rapidly waning commercial and societal relevance. Nobody really watches actual tv anymore; we're all watching Netflix, Hulu, Youtube, or the insides of our eyelids, but by and large traditional tv stations are going the way of the buffalo. And if you're a weather man, Tab doesn't even trust you to tell him whether or not that buffalo is going to get rained on, or sucked up into a tornado. Furthermore, he's *really* annoyed when you bump his favorite show for a pointless tornado watch for three counties over. Stop that. Now you're just flashing that horrible "alert" noise to get attention and show how important you are. That's called "virtue signaling", and while that's bad enough, there's another type of virtue signaling that's even worse . . .I like to crack jokes with these write-ups, but this legitimately ticks me off. Stop doing horrible, life-altering things to your kids like raising them specifically to be degenerate, or pumping them full of hormones to show how accepting and tolerant you are. Stop using your kids to virtue signal. I'm not one for passing laws to tell people what to do, but I have a soft spot for kids, and when you take your five or six year old kid and start pumping them full of hormones to prove a point, I think you should go to prison. Not the county jail, but federal prison. In the worst cell block, where they stuff you in a corner with all the crazies and assume they won't have to worry about feeding you breakfast the following morning. From giving your kid a dumb name to telling your teenage son that you're ashamed of him for being born male (which was your fault, by the way; nice job), using your kids to show the world how progressive you are is exactly what tells me you're the worst type of human being alive. And, as I type this and boil over with rage, I kinda think maybe "alive" is exactly what you shouldn't be. But, feelings change, and maybe, just maybe, by next week my opinion will have been updated. Speaking of which . . .It's increasingly popular to have a "smart" this and a "smart" that. From phones to watches to televisions to refrigerators, everything has to have a computer and a bunch of apps slapped on it. But what happens when the devices that you use on a daily basis have to go through daily updates? How about when you need to make that emergency phone call and your OS is in the middle of a ten minute reboot because it's updating? What then? I hope you weren't calling 911, or trying to explain to your boss that you're a couple minutes behind but you'll definitely make it to work. If you are, you're boned. All because the jerks that made the software got about 75% of the way finished and said "Yeah, that's good enough. We'll finish the rest later." There was a time when you bought a thing, turned it on, and just used it, but now you have to update a product AS SOON AS YOU BUY IT, which is absurd! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare some edits to this write-up so I can update it in the middle of you reading it.Andy calls in, with his windows up this time, and Sage tells us what he doesn't get. We had a VERY special 10 word list come in during the news segment this week. Who were they from, who were they to, and what did they say? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!(Tab mentions a video during the episode. Here's the link. https://youtu.be/49WDCIaD0ck

This week, Uncle Buck and Joel Chaco are by the return of Larry Bleidner of THAT LARRY SHOW .Making his first appearance since the very first episode of Here's What I Don't Get, Mr. Velvet himself, Larry Bleidner is back to pass along sage wisdom and mentorship.In this episode, they bring in the following issues of which they just don't get:- Inconsiderate Noisemakers- Sugary Holidays- CowardsDon't forget to like Uncle Buck and Joel Chaco on Facebook at facebook.com/hwidg

This week, Uncle Buck is joined in studio by his long time friend, the Empress of Melanin, as Here's What I Don't Get welcomes its first female guest, first guest of color, and first moderate voter.Things get racial right off the bat. On purpose.In this episode, they bring in the following issues of which they just don't get:- Real Racism vs Fake Racism- Unfriending/Blocking- Soft CensorshipAs well, Joel Chaco addresses his beef with a certain writer/comedian.Please visit and like our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/hwidg

This week, Here's What I Don't Get's hosts Uncle Buck and Joel Chaco relive the year that was. Praise kek. Both the guys share their Christmas loot list, and read over listener comments.In this episode, they bring in the following issues of which they just don't get:- Lemon Turkey- Year BlamingAs well, Chaco does a complete 180 on a previous issue.Please visit and like our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/hwidg

This week, Here's What I Don't Get and hosts Uncle Buck and Joel Chaco were accused of being a derivative podcast by internet "Thought Leader", Madcucks.Sure, there are similarities to the format used in the late podcast The Biggest Problem in the Universe, however, the show definitely has a different feel and sound (despite Madcucks' objections).In this episode, we bring in the following issues of which they just don't get:Double ParkingChristmas DebtDerivative Podcaststhe Santa Claus MythBirth Control As well, a winner is declared in the "What was Joel Chaco drinking?" contest. Another new sponsor is welcomed to the show, and a product demonstration is carried out.Please visit and like our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/hwidg