Podcasts about insecurely

Beyond the Sessions is answering YOUR parenting questions! In this episode, Dr. Rebecca Hershberg, Dr. Emily Upshur, and I talk about...   4:12 - The quick 101 on attachment theory - it's most simple definition.   7:29 - Understanding the difference between making bad choices and having unhealthy romantic relationships versus having an attachment disorder.   10:12 - If a person does have an avoidant insecure attachment style, what can they do not to pass down this attachment style?   11:39 - The importance of attunement in attachment.   13:40 - Being intentional in your approach to parenting can help anchor you and prevent you from being so reactive in the moment.   18:13 - There are many relationships that come together to form a child's attachment blueprint - so you don't need to put so much pressure on yourself!   ✨We want to hear from you! Go to https://drsarahbren.com/question to send us a question or a topic you want to hear us answer on Securely Attached - Beyond the Sessions! ✨

Secure and insecure attachment styles aren't good or bad, they simply are. It can be tempting to label these things, but with that can come shame, guilt, and anxiety.   Here to help dispel some myths about attachment science and offer parents strategies for building their own ability to help their child feel understood and safe is Dr. Tanya Cotler.   Together we'll help listeners learn to zoom out to identify patterns and offer suggestions for deepening the parent-child bond, while factoring in family history, the human brain and body, and the importance of reflective functioning.     I want to hear from you! Send me a topic you want me to cover or a question you want answered on the show! ✨ DM me on Instagram at @securelyattachedpodcast or @drsarahbren ✨ Send an email to sarah@drsarahbren.com ✨ And check out drsarahbren.com for more parenting resources 

Are you busy minimizing yourself so that others can feel more secure? Or maybe *dare I say it* you've gotten into the habit of minimizing others...so that you can feel more secure? Whichever the case, listen in to gain a new perspective on recognizing insecurity, identifying oppressive Powered Dynamics, and liberating you from a (usually) less than intentional habit of minimizing.Get ready to:

Your attachment style directly impacts every relationship in your life. You deserve to have incredible relationships, so let's break down the 4 attachment types so you can know where to go from here. The post ARE YOU INSECURELY ATTACHED? first appeared on Lindsay E. Preston Life & Leadership Coaching. The post ARE YOU INSECURELY ATTACHED? appeared first on Lindsay E. Preston Life & Leadership Coaching.

Attachment styles generally exist on a spectrum. Insecurely attached people can have both anxious and avoidant patterns at different times. This week, I'll talk about anxious insecure type. As the name suggests, people with this style tend to show the stress they feel in relationships through anxiety or anxious behaviors.

This is not your soul mate How we were raised as kids, how consistent our parents (or caretakers) were, and how safe and loved we felt when we were young can shape our attachment style during our adulthood. Tracey Crossley walks us through secure and insecure attachments in relationships and how our upbringing plays out in our intimate relationships as adults. Insecure and secure attachments Our relationship with our caretakers from the time we are born greatly affects our having either a secure or insecure attachment with other people in our adulthood. Secure attachment starts when the child trusts the caretakers and feels an emotional bond with them. They don't worry that if you leave the room you're not coming back. On the other hand, if there is insecure attachment, the child can have different reactions and could become avoidant. These experiences as kids, we bring with us to adulthood. How does insecure attachment show up? It shows up in a variety of ways, but many people don't realize where it's coming from. Naturally, deep down, all of us want to be securely attached and feel loved. But our conditioning says something different, so we seek what we know. We repeat the same sort of familiar feeling and situation that we had as a child. It affects how we feel and how we act. This sometimes led to confusion and even attracting dysfunctional relationships. Even though we want something different, part of us wants the familiar, which doesn't serve us so well. Do we have a soulmate? People would be looking for a unicorn when they look for their soulmate. People who are securely attached do not say they found their soulmate. They usually are just happy that being with their partner feels good and there is no need to give it a label. When you do not have that sense of security, that's when you tend to come up with labels as though it's some sort of magical thing that's going to happen. The idea of happiness and satisfaction about finding your soulmate is a moment in time and not related to reality. It's just about the fantasy you have about what the other person is bringing to you and how it will make you feel. How do insecurely attached people respond to sex vs securely attached people? Insecurely attached people usually perform acrobatics in the bedroom. They're all about how great they are at sex and that's like their secret weapon. They're going to hook you through sex and do whatever it takes to hold on to you, so you don't go away. Very strong feelings of desperation are usually involved in insecurely attached people. Meanwhile, securely attached relationships are not so much about just sex but how you are creating intimacy. Sex is a part of the relationship, but it is not the whole relationship, and the intimacy comes from emotions rather than the physicality. Anxiety in relationships Tracey Crossley paints a picture of anxious-avoidant, anxious and avoidant people and how they react whenever they are in a relationship, or lack thereof. She stresses that one big thing missing in a healthy relationship is anxiety. Instead, there should always be progression. Moreover, do not dwell in a fantasy land looking for that perfect partner. Always do a reality check, be in the moment and deal with all the disappointments it could bring rather than living in fantasy and prolonging your agony. Biography Tracy Crossley is a behavioral relationship expert, author, and podcast host, who specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy life and relationship patterns. Tracy helps clients transform, impostor syndrome, insecure attachment, negative belief systems, breaking the cycle of narcissistic damage, destructive self-talk, and more. With a background in psychology, an innate emotional intuition, which draws from her own personal experience, Tracy shows her clients how to permanently change the repetition of the unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled cycles personally and professionally. Tracy's popular weekly mental health podcast, Freedom from Attachment: Living Fulfilled, Happy and in Love offers listeners a different perspective when it comes to breaking the cycle of unhealthy behaviors that keep them stuck repeating pain-inducing actions on auto-pilot. The podcast addresses folks who want to deal with their emotional baggage and get unstuck, happy, and have a clear mindset. She also has a monthly podcast called Moving On, where she invites guests to speak about their life experience in overcoming difficult times to be successful and happy in their lives. Resources and links: Website: https://tracycrossley.com/  Instagram: instagram.com/tracylcrossley/?hl=enMore info and resources: How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast

This is not your soul mate How we were raised as kids, how consistent our parents (or caretakers) were, and how safe and loved we felt when we were young can shape our attachment style during our adulthood. Tracey Crossley walks us through secure and insecure attachments in relationships and how our upbringing plays out in our intimate relationships as adults. Insecure and secure attachments Our relationship with our caretakers from the time we are born greatly affects our having either a secure or insecure attachment with other people in our adulthood. Secure attachment starts when the child trusts the caretakers and feels an emotional bond with them. They don't worry that if you leave the room you're not coming back. On the other hand, if there is insecure attachment, the child can have different reactions and could become avoidant. These experiences as kids, we bring with us to adulthood. How does insecure attachment show up? It shows up in a variety of ways, but many people don't realize where it's coming from. Naturally, deep down, all of us want to be securely attached and feel loved. But our conditioning says something different, so we seek what we know. We repeat the same sort of familiar feeling and situation that we had as a child. It affects how we feel and how we act. This sometimes led to confusion and even attracting dysfunctional relationships. Even though we want something different, part of us wants the familiar, which doesn't serve us so well. Do we have a soulmate? People would be looking for a unicorn when they look for their soulmate. People who are securely attached do not say they found their soulmate. They usually are just happy that being with their partner feels good and there is no need to give it a label. When you do not have that sense of security, that's when you tend to come up with labels as though it's some sort of magical thing that's going to happen. The idea of happiness and satisfaction about finding your soulmate is a moment in time and not related to reality. It's just about the fantasy you have about what the other person is bringing to you and how it will make you feel. How do insecurely attached people respond to sex vs securely attached people? Insecurely attached people usually perform acrobatics in the bedroom. They're all about how great they are at sex and that's like their secret weapon. They're going to hook you through sex and do whatever it takes to hold on to you, so you don't go away. Very strong feelings of desperation are usually involved in insecurely attached people. Meanwhile, securely attached relationships are not so much about just sex but how you are creating intimacy. Sex is a part of the relationship, but it is not the whole relationship, and the intimacy comes from emotions rather than the physicality. Anxiety in relationships Tracey Crossley paints a picture of anxious-avoidant, anxious and avoidant people and how they react whenever they are in a relationship, or lack thereof. She stresses that one big thing missing in a healthy relationship is anxiety. Instead, there should always be progression. Moreover, do not dwell in a fantasy land looking for that perfect partner. Always do a reality check, be in the moment and deal with all the disappointments it could bring rather than living in fantasy and prolonging your agony. Biography Tracy Crossley is a behavioral relationship expert, author, and podcast host, who specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy life and relationship patterns. Tracy helps clients transform, impostor syndrome, insecure attachment, negative belief systems, breaking the cycle of narcissistic damage, destructive self-talk, and more. With a background in psychology, an innate emotional intuition, which draws from her own personal experience, Tracy shows her clients how to permanently change the repetition of the unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled cycles personally and professionally. Tracy's popular weekly mental health podcast, Freedom from Attachment: Living Fulfilled, Happy and in Love offers listeners a different perspective when it comes to breaking the cycle of unhealthy behaviors that keep them stuck repeating pain-inducing actions on auto-pilot. The podcast addresses folks who want to deal with their emotional baggage and get unstuck, happy, and have a clear mindset. She also has a monthly podcast called Moving On, where she invites guests to speak about their life experience in overcoming difficult times to be successful and happy in their lives. Resources and links: Website: https://tracycrossley.com/  Instagram: instagram.com/tracylcrossley/?hl=en More info: Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com  The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com  The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com  Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore:  https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/219-no-this-is-not-your-soul-mate-tracy-crossley

This is not your soul mate How we were raised as kids, how consistent our parents (or caretakers) were, and how safe and loved we felt when we were young can shape our attachment style during our adulthood. Tracey Crossley walks us through secure and insecure attachments in relationships and how our upbringing plays out in our intimate relationships as adults. Insecure and secure attachments Our relationship with our caretakers from the time we are born greatly affects our having either a secure or insecure attachment with other people in our adulthood. Secure attachment starts when the child trusts the caretakers and feels an emotional bond with them. They don't worry that if you leave the room you're not coming back. On the other hand, if there is insecure attachment, the child can have different reactions and could become avoidant. These experiences as kids, we bring with us to adulthood. How does insecure attachment show up? It shows up in a variety of ways, but many people don't realize where it's coming from. Naturally, deep down, all of us want to be securely attached and feel loved. But our conditioning says something different, so we seek what we know. We repeat the same sort of familiar feeling and situation that we had as a child. It affects how we feel and how we act. This sometimes led to confusion and even attracting dysfunctional relationships. Even though we want something different, part of us wants the familiar, which doesn't serve us so well. Do we have a soulmate? People would be looking for a unicorn when they look for their soulmate. People who are securely attached do not say they found their soulmate. They usually are just happy that being with their partner feels good and there is no need to give it a label. When you do not have that sense of security, that's when you tend to come up with labels as though it's some sort of magical thing that's going to happen. The idea of happiness and satisfaction about finding your soulmate is a moment in time and not related to reality. It's just about the fantasy you have about what the other person is bringing to you and how it will make you feel. How do insecurely attached people respond to sex vs securely attached people? Insecurely attached people usually perform acrobatics in the bedroom. They're all about how great they are at sex and that's like their secret weapon. They're going to hook you through sex and do whatever it takes to hold on to you, so you don't go away. Very strong feelings of desperation are usually involved in insecurely attached people. Meanwhile, securely attached relationships are not so much about just sex but how you are creating intimacy. Sex is a part of the relationship, but it is not the whole relationship, and the intimacy comes from emotions rather than the physicality. Anxiety in relationships Tracey Crossley paints a picture of anxious-avoidant, anxious and avoidant people and how they react whenever they are in a relationship, or lack thereof. She stresses that one big thing missing in a healthy relationship is anxiety. Instead, there should always be progression. Moreover, do not dwell in a fantasy land looking for that perfect partner. Always do a reality check, be in the moment and deal with all the disappointments it could bring rather than living in fantasy and prolonging your agony. Biography Tracy Crossley is a behavioral relationship expert, author, and podcast host, who specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy life and relationship patterns. Tracy helps clients transform, impostor syndrome, insecure attachment, negative belief systems, breaking the cycle of narcissistic damage, destructive self-talk, and more. With a background in psychology, an innate emotional intuition, which draws from her own personal experience, Tracy shows her clients how to permanently change the repetition of the unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled cycles personally and professionally. Tracy's popular weekly mental health podcast, Freedom from Attachment: Living Fulfilled, Happy and in Love offers listeners a different perspective when it comes to breaking the cycle of unhealthy behaviors that keep them stuck repeating pain-inducing actions on auto-pilot. The podcast addresses folks who want to deal with their emotional baggage and get unstuck, happy, and have a clear mindset. She also has a monthly podcast called Moving On, where she invites guests to speak about their life experience in overcoming difficult times to be successful and happy in their lives. Resources and links: Website: https://tracycrossley.com/  Instagram: instagram.com/tracylcrossley/?hl=en More info: Sex Health Quiz – https://www.sexhealthquiz.com  The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com  The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com  Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore:  https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/219-no-this-is-not-your-soul-mate-tracy-crossley

Early years fostered, Adopted, Immigrate, parents separation & divorce, verbal, physical, sexual and/or spiritual abuse, Boarding school, premature birth, incubated, mothers post-natal depression, alcoholic, drug use, parent working away a lot, emotionally absent even when they are home - are just some contributing causes for setting up INSECURE ATTACHMENT - which may later manifest in how the adult child will go on to do interpersonal relationships.We all need a lighthouse that is stable during the earliest years of childhood development. A black hole void gets set up; that insecure Attachment behaviours try to fill, when that childhood development period is not negotiated through in a "good enough" manner. There then follows, attempts throughout adulthood relationships to repeatedly repeatedly use conscious and unconscious processes to try to fill the void = LOVE ADDICTION.Want to know more and better understand? In all your getting, get understanding.Let The Kairos Centre come alongside your journey.Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpProbably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlanehttps://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFacebook: @KairoscounselingTwitter: @GaryMcFarlaneLinkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction TherapyWebsite: kairos-centre.combit.ly/pornaddictionhelphttps://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412

Hina and Momi discuss the man, myth and legend that is Dumbledore and his complicated relationship with Harry Potter – mentor and mentee? Father and son? Trauma-response dynamic duo?IG: @parasocialangstTwitter: @parasocialangstTumblr: parasocialangst.tumblr.comPatreon: patreon.com/ParasocialpodcastTwitch stream:  twitch.tv/parasocialpodcast Support the show

In today's episode we discuss the some of the underlying relationship dynamics that contribute to making it very difficult for an abused partner to leave the relationship. The reasons for someone to stay in an abusive relationship are complex and manifold. In this episode we explore how an understanding of attachment theory can help to understand why an abused partner struggles to leave their abuser behind. Insecurely attached adults have an internalised notion of themselves as being somehow responsible for the lack of love and fair treatment from their partner. They don't consciously choose to be abused but they enable the abusive partner, who is also insecurely attached. Abused partners often have attachment wounds that makes it more difficult for them to set boundaries or to assert themselves. In addition to looking at the impact of insecure attachment we also discuss another important factor that explains why people stay in abusive relationships: the traumatic bond that acts as the 'superglue' between abuser and abused partner. When we are feeling threatened we all have a natural tendency to run towards the person who is closest to us- even if that person is responsible for the very threat in the first place.

Episode 7 of Menovation.

Episode 6 of Menovation.

After last week's episode focused on the parents, this week Eden looks at insecurely attached kids. She addresses how each style presents in a toddler, elementary-aged child, and teen. She also suggests ways that we, as parents, can support our kids with a more secure attachment.    For more on mental health, relationships, and parenting, follow me on Instagram at @edenhyder or sign up for the Inside Out Collaborative newsletter.

Eden jumps into the topic of parenting with a couple key notes: 1) that insecurely attached parents are at higher risk for parenting struggles which makes doing this attachment work yourself all the more impactful, and 2) that as parents, we don't have to be perfect — that our imperfect parenting can actually benefit our children. She then gives examples of what a parent with each attachment style (Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized) looks like and tips on how to move toward security.    For more on mental health, relationships and parenting, follow me on instagram at @edenhyder or sign up for the Inside Out Collaborative newsletter.

On this weeks episode of That’s Deep, Chad and Lotus discuss having sex while insecure. Do you have any sexual insecurities? Share your thoughts and insecurities with us on Instagram and Twitter @thatsdeeppod We can also be reached at thatsdeep.blacklove@gmail.com Don’t forget to rate and review us where ever you’re listening. As always THANK YOU FOR LISTENING! --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/thatsdeeppod/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thatsdeeppod/support

Happy Holidays, as the year draws close to a closing and even closer to our lives increasing in intensity and craziness I wan to bring you something that you can carry with you throughout this holiday season as well as into the new year, 4 Pillars! This pillars I hope will act as a foundation to you as we encounter new and changing circumstances. This is my second to the last episode until the season closes and we welcome in 2021, im sad and excited all at the same time for the podcast and for all of our lives because I know God has amazing and wonderful things for us in the future. I hope you guys enjoy the episode and let God word fill you with his purpose and plan for your life! Next episode: 12/22/2020Key Verse: Matthew 7:25: The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.Olelo Noʻeau: Lanalana, pa I ke Kona, Hula pu. translation: Insecurely rooted, when the Kona winds blow it topples over. meaning: When one is insecurely rooted in his knowledge or character, any adversity causes him to fall. what are 4 pillars: 4 morals or characteristics that you believe strongly in, to which you can go back to when you. need to remember what you stand for. steps you an take to pick your 4 pillarsThink of and list out morals or characteristics about yourself that you find yourself having strong belief in. (it can be more then 4 just list them out right now)Narrow them down as much as you can (if you have more then 4 and its what you truly, strongly believe in then great the more the stronger of a foundation) Get rid of all the ones that you donʻt feel as strongly toward in your life. Pray over the final list and let God speak to you on each one, and allow yourself to be rooted and posted upon those pillars. Bonus: come up with a way to remember you list to be intentional each day, try a montra or having them posted for you to seeMy Pillarsfaith prayerjoy growth My Montra (use as an example to create yours): today your FAITH will be bigger then your circumstances, You will PRAY for yourself, others and through all your circumstances. You will choose JOY and give it freely to others as it is given so to you and you will seek GROWTH daily because it is essential to your calling in Christ. You are never to old, to wise or to all knowing to grow into the purpose that God has for you in you life. next episode: come just as you are series: a talk with the girls on their 4 pillars and what those are, or a talk about new years resolutions going into 2021 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLddaJxhSU_TpBiLStP2YiAfacebook: https://www.facebook.com/uikumuhone/?viewas=100000686899395inatagram: https://www.instagram.com/uikumuhone/?hl=enSee you guys in the next episode until then... Byyyyyyyeeeee =)

This trailer is about growing listeners who want to hear some REAL topics , And ready to have open minded conversations about many DIFFERENT stories & some funny facts , Celebrity tea , & some personal life experience that made me who I am today . I want my listeners to be able to FEEL my emotions , tell me some of their life experiences & real world issues like BREONNA TAYLOR , BLM & many other things

Man, this week is more of a mixed bag than anything. I go from the NFL Draft to somehow talking about being "Available" and smelling the roses haha! Like, subscribe, and SHARE! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kyle, Torrance And Danny are back this week to talk about TV. With Insecure coming back, we wanted to take an episode to talk about what other shows we love, hate and want to see. . The1sellersgroup.com @thesellersgroup/@9to5podcast

Insecurely attached people tend to over-perform and over-compensate for the lack of value they feel inside. They think they have to work extra hard, running the race backwards, in order earn love and attention. This goes beyond people-pleasing. It’s a drive to show someone you’re worth it, needing that external validation, and fearing if you don’t over-perform, you’ll be rejected or abandoned. You may project your low self-esteem on your partner, going above and beyond to show them how wonderful they are so they won’t feel like crap inside. But it’s more a reflection of how you feel about yourself than it being about them. You might push, force or cling, trying to avoid disappointment yet setting yourself up for it by constantly giving to get: cooking a nice dinner or catering to what someone else wants with strings attached. You think you’re giving in a loving way, but it’s really giving so they won’t leave or so you feel valuable enough to deserve them. Over-performing is a pattern, and like all patterns, it can be broken. Pay attention to your tendencies. If you feel yourself wanting to overdo something, stop and sit with what drives you. Is it anxiety? Discomfort? Fear? Neediness? Do you owe someone something as if their time is more valuable than yours? Value can’t be gotten from someone else, and over-performing doesn’t work in the long run anyway. It keeps you on the hamster wheel of always strategizing what you should do next. It causes anxiety and feeds your negative beliefs, keeping you stuck in the same patterns. If what you really want is love and attention, ask how you can give it to yourself. It is only by taking different actions and focusing on self-love that we can break these patterns.

Can you be addicted to love, or sex, and - if so - what does that mean? How does the way that your parents raised you - especially when you were really young - affect your sex life? How do you define your own version of healthy sex - so that you’re not just following along with what culture has handed you? And finally - how do you step away from the dopamine and novelty-seeking of dating - and, when you find someone, make the switch to a monogamous relationship? In today’s episode, we are speaking to one of the world’s experts on sex and neurobiology - and especially the treatment of Sex and Love Addiction - Dr. Alexandra Katehakis. Alex’s book, Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation, is a must-read for therapists looking to understand the latest on how to approach sex addiction treatment in therapy, and her work at the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles fosters a sex-positive approach to re-discovering sex in a way that’s right for you. Alex is also the author of Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While In Recovery from Sex Addiction. Noticing addictive behaviors: An addiction can be defined as something to which we have a strong predilection for and have little control over our actions in relation to the desire. We may find ourselves preoccupied in our thinking, and find that much of our time is spent either engaging in the addiction or in preparation for the experience of it. Furthermore, unlike other things which we strongly enjoy, an addiction has a certain secrecy and shame surrounding it. This is especially true when the behavior we are engaging in violates our own personal value system. Love as an addiction: Love is an addictive process. This makes sense in evolutionary and biological terms as it ensures that we bind together with a mate in an intense enough way as to invest in procreating and raising a family. The profound longing and desire that can be involved in falling in love is not necessarily problematic, however thinking about love through the addiction model can help shed light on the pain of breakups, divorces, and endings. Love withdrawal: How many times have you said, or heard a friend say, that it feels like a limb has been cut off when we lose someone. During endings many people experience the emotional and psychological distress as physical pain- as if their heart is actually breaking. This is true because the same neural pain centers in the brain involved in physical injury are involved in our attachments to others. While it can be very helpful to create boundaries with exes through such actions as blocking and/or deleting numbers, the pain can be visceral. Changing our automatic patterning: People realize they are in the cycle of addiction when they find themselves doing things they do not want to do anymore and yet, can’t stop engaging in the behavior despite wanting to. It is important at this stage to understand that 1) you do have the capacity to change and 2) it will be a slow process. Changing our automatic patterning is not like turning a speed boat around, rather it is more like turning around a large barge. Neuroscience research validates that this shifting is possible through repeated behavior. The saying is that ‘neurons that fire together, wire together’, meaning that you must do something over and over again to build new neural pathways, and thus, new patterns. The more you engage in the new behavior the more tenacious the neural networks will become and the more integrated this way of being will feel- to the point that it will become the new automatic. As you focus increasingly on the new behavior, the old neural pathways associated with the negative addictions will begin to prune. This is the beauty of neuroplasticity- have some patience with it! Attunement is essential in building secure attachment. The predilections for addictions of all kinds are often established in early childhood. This is true because, human beings, more than most animals, are nearly entirely dependent on their caregivers for survival. As we now understand from the research on attachment, the first few months of a child’s life are critical in setting up a healthy nervous system. It is the job of the caregiver to be an interactive regulator- giving opportunity for attunement and safe interactions so that the right brain can develop over the first 18 months. There are many ways that parents fail to attune to their child- the severity of the impact depends on frequency, intensity, and ability to make repairs. Depending on the type of engagement from parents children will develop a tendency towards high sympathetic arousal (fight or flight responses) or parasympathetic responses such as freezing, collapse, and dissociation. This dysregulation can then lead to a higher dependence on external supports- thus helping to explain how addictions often stem from an attempt by an individual to regulate affect. Adaptive strategies for soothing. Early childhood experiences of attachment lay the groundwork and the wiring for lifelong relational patterns. Children who were not met with regulated and present caregivers inevitably find strategies in order to survive and often carry these patterns into adulthood when it comes to handling arousal state throughout their lifetime. Insecurely attached individuals either experience 1) a constantly seeking mentality and dependency on external soothing and/or 2) a high distrust that others will ever meet their needs. Trapped by the ‘rescue fantasy’: If you had a parent who was dismissive, or avoidant, you likely learned at a young age that you had to manage yourself, by yourself. You may have resorted to creating a rescue fantasy in which someone came to rescue you from the chronic emptiness and loneliness you were experiencing. This may have been a coach, a teacher, a rockstar, a neighbor, or a fairy princess- someone outside of yourself and your family who had the power to alleviate your pain. This is a brilliant soothing strategy in childhood, however it becomes increasingly maladaptive in adulthood in that it creates unhealthy desires and harmful expectations in our relationships. In cultivating the ability to imagine the ideal caregiver, a child feeds their need for attunement, however adults who idealize their lovers as saviors tend to miss critical cues that allow them to assess whether the person they are attracted to is available, safe, and stable. Need for reinforcing attachment: Only 54% of people in our culture today are securely attached- and this number is likely to shrink further as more families experience increasing stressors and there are fewer two person systems raising children. The fullness, high speed pace, and distraction of daily modern life is making it increasingly difficult for parents to insure they are able to provide their children with adequate attunement. Note that the majority of insecure attachments are not caused by outright abuse or neglect, but rather from an accumulation of misaligned and misattuned moments- microassaults that go without repair or acknowledgment. Human beings need other human beings for regulation: One thing we know from the accumulating data is that people can develop a secure attachment in a love relationship. It is in our relationships where we a second chance to practice getting our needs met in healthy ways. With a present, grounded, and  growth oriented partner it is possible to become more securely attached, love more fully, and have deeper intimacy. That said, long term relationships are not flower fields! As many like to say, if you want to not have any issues then it is best to live alone! Relationships turn up the heat on our underlying issues and bring our habits, patterns, and old beliefs to the surface. While much of our healing, especially of childhood wounds, are our responsibility to mend and tend, this does not have to occur prior to entering a relationship. In fact, some aspects of deep healing depends on the relationship given that we need coregulation to repair. Be on the lookout for a partner who does not have a martyr complex, nor a need for you to be helpless so they can be the ‘fixer’. Look instead for someone who shares your values and is willing to stay present through the pain and discomfort of growing. How do you switch from courtship into monogamy? We live in a culture that provides ample opportunity for novelty, and relies on a promise of more and better. This creates excitement, yet havoc in the dating world as there is a tendency to doubt what is in front of us in hopes for the newest and shiniest thing that may be waiting around the corner- or one more tinder swipe away. If you are interested in moving from dating into a longer term committed relationship, it is critical that you get clear with yourself about your values. Can you make a list of your top 3 non-negotiables? Example: education, spirituality, wants kids, doesn’t want kids, sense of humor… Get super clear with yourself. This clarity will help you to recognize when a person who fits these values shows up, and will help to ground you in the reality of the person in front of you, thus helping to alleviate the gnawing and often overwhelming urge to keep searching for some fantasy version of a partner. What to do when you are jonesing… Dating apps, along with porn, offers a dopamine rush that is hard to compete with. When you begin to shift towards wanting to dive deeper into a relationship you may struggle with feeling a lack of this exciting surge. Learn to be fully present with your somatic experience- noticing what is happening for you, what you are craving, and in what ways this helps show you that you are dysregulated.  Own your internal experience, and then commit to being more present to your partner. Let the distractions and urges be reminders to yourself to come back to your present experience- there is a plethora of feel good hormones (including dopamine) that can be released when you connect in with your partner and spend time finding out who they are without making assumptions, and getting that juicy surge of oxytocin that comes with intimate connections. Putting bodies, hearts, and souls together: We need each other to regulate. People know, at least technically, how to have sex- there has been enough emphasis on this throughout our culture- however they may not know how to have quality and truly connecting intimacy. We can put our bodies together, but are we capable of putting our hearts and souls together in a way that has meaning, promotes a sense of safety, while also being arousing and erotic? In order to move into a fuller experience of intimacy, we must learn to track ourselves and our partners. By paying close attention to our internal experiences we can learn to notice moments of dysregulation and from this becoming curious about the underlying need that is being somatically communicated. Once we notice this, we can name it to our partner and from this learn that we can in fact, get our needs met. The experience of getting a need met not only leads to healing, but also to an incredibly erotic, arousing, and passionate sense of deep connection! Multidimensionality of healthy sex: Healthy sex requires a thorough investigation of who you are sexually at this moment in your life, what you like, and from this putting together a new roadmap for yourself. What is healthy for you right now is likely to be different not only from other people, but even from yourself at an earlier point in your life. Get raw and honest with yourself. What feels good? What kind of touch turns you on? In what ways is the sex you are engaging in a celebration of your sexual values, and in what ways is it not? Look at the multidimensionality of sex- the physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual aspects. Tune into your arousal cycle, your current genital functioning, and any other physical cues that need to be paid attention to. Your sex life will not be fulfilling unless the sex practices you are engaging in aligns with your personal and sexual values. Get support and go on a sexual diet. If you suspect yourself to be in an addictive cycle when it comes to love, sex, and/or dating apps be sure to reach out for support. Find a therapist, a sex therapist, and/or a support group in your area or online. Love and sex addictions are the result of attachment wounding and thus, are best healed in relationship. Seek out safe others. There may be a time in your healing process in which you may benefit from taking a break from your compulsive patterns (even consider celibacy) in order to gain perspective on your own urgings. This pulling away time is a raw state as you will feel the void of not having ‘that thing’ you are so accustomed to running towards for relief. In these times fellowship can be incredibly helpful- search out people to surround yourself with that know what you are going through. And remember- the brain is capable of rewiring towards healthier habits if you are able and committed to putting in the time and effort needed to refocus your attention and train your brain! Sponsors: Talkspace.com - Online therapy that matches you with your perfect therapist. You can communicate with your therapist daily - so they can be there for you during the moments you most need support. Visit talkspace.com/ALIVE and use the coupon code “ALIVE” for $30 off your first month of online therapy. Resources: Check out the Center for Healthy Sex Read Alex Katehakis’ newest book Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation: A Neurobiologically Informed Holistic Treatment Find more about Allan Schore’s work here www.neilsattin.com/healthysex Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Alex Katehakis Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out

There is a huge correlation between insecure attachment and jealousy. With each there is a fear of loss. Insecurely attached people either hold on tightly to painful situations or stay away from relationships due to fear of abandonment. With romantic jealousy, there is a fear of being replaced. Jealousy manifests in different ways, however, depending on your attachment style. Those who are Anxious generally resist expressing their anger because they don’t want to upset the apple cart, while Avoidants use anger to blame their mate. Securely attached individuals tend to express anger toward their partner in a healthy way to maintain the relationship—not sabotage it. In all cases the anger is there, but the way it comes out is quite different. Jealousy is a threat to how you feel about your relationship, but it’s rooted in how you feel about yourself. If you don’t have an innate sense of safety, you will feel unsafe in your relationship. This leads to distrust where you may look for evidence to support that lack of safety. For example, if you see your partner talking to someone of the opposite sex, it can trigger those unsafe feelings. In the case of the Anxious person, that anger is held back for fear of the relationship ending. For Avoidants, anger is directed in an accusatory way (i.e. “Why do you always talk to women when we’re out together? Am I not enough for you?”). In both situations, a case is being built that their partner is cheating or wants to cheat. Jealousy is about perception, and how you view it is based on your attachment style. Once you understand that, you can choose to look at it differently. You’ll start to see how your thought and behavior patterns support your value (or lack thereof), and that it actually has nothing to do with the other person. The next time you feel those pangs of jealousy, ask yourself what’s really underneath it. What feelings about yourself are you avoiding?

Many insecurely attached people are anxious and/or avoidant. If they sense someone is emotionally available, they will create excuses to run because it is scary and unfamiliar. Instead of being open and vulnerable, which would be completely unfamiliar to them, they look for perfect. Focusing on finding flaws and supposed deal breakers with potential partners serve as an excuse for staying distant. Until the anxious/avoidant begins to love him or herself enough to withstand the “feared engulfment” of intimacy, there will be no true connection and their relationships will never evolve. We do this unconsciously, which is why I created this podcast. Insecurely attached folks tend to be tied up in drama and struggle. It may not be consciously apparent to them, as they do not believe they are the source of it, but it takes two to tango. And until they recognize responsibility for their part, they will continue searching for the elusive perfect partner who never shows up. Finding yourself stuck in this circle of hell is something I know very well. When you are ready to start feeling your feelings and having a loving relationship with yourself, you will consciously stop looking for deal breakers and have enough awareness to start opening yourself up to the possibility of a healthy relationship with another perfectly flawed human.

Many of us say we want certain dreams and goals, but never get there. Let's look at the following as a contributor. If you go out of your way to avoid people and situations, because the fear of being judged leads to the cringing feeling of shame, then please tune in – this podcast will help you work through it all. The inner critic in your head is a hard taskmaster: judgment and shame are a bitch… especially when you assume the worst and start beating yourself up for it ahead of time. Insecurely attached people usually find themselves running away, hiding out and playing small all to avoid judgment, because of the shame that comes with it. Many of us were taught good and bad by feeling shame....and in turn not only are we punished, but we punish others by our actions that follow. Judgment is something we all fear, especially when we want to change things in our life--we will stop short of it, if we feel we might be judged for what we do. Owning your actions will give you control before anyone can make you question whether you’re good or bad is key to changing how you approach situations in your life, which you've been afraid to be fully seen, heard or even allowing yourself to get close to someone. I will give you tips on how to stop being afraid of your judge, stop assuming and lead your life from a point of freedom within and truly allow you to be who you are in the process. Strike a nerve? Click play now….

Last summer's Wired article describing vulnerabilities in the Jeep shows that software is being created and deployed with exploitable, yet avoidable, security flaws. So far, the automotive attacks have been largely demonstrations. However, successful cyber-attacks have been carried out on steel furnaces in Germany and the electrical grid in Ukraine. Insecurely written software in cyber-physical systems places people and property in jeopardy. Fortunately, there are many techniques available to those building software for cyber physical systems that can greatly reduce their vulnerability. This talk starts with an in-depth review of the Jeep scenario. It then examines how security can be introduced throughout the software development lifecycle to blunt such vulnerabilities.

Mistake #6 : I insecurely try to be accepted by others and as a result I push them away. 

Secure attachment helps people survive temporary bouts of pain, discomfort, doubts and distress, and helps them reestablish hope, optimism, and emotional equanimity. Securely attached parents are able to protect children from parental grief (by keeping it private between parents), and to offer children their freedom but in a manner that conveys support rather than indifference or anxiety. Insecurely attached parents tend to polarize in terms of their coping, becoming either more indifferent and detached or to deny the importance of the bond, or conversely, more hyper-vigilant, worried and anxious in such a way as to magnify the importance of the bond overly, conveying dependence and a message that separation is harmful to the parent. Parents' secure attachment allows them to both support and to let their children go simultaneously, whereas their insecure attachment ends up burdening children, either by conveying their unimportance to the parent, or their over-importance.