Shutdown Fullcast

On this episode, we have guest Michael Felder from Hand in the Dirt to discuss the marvels of Arkansas QB KJ Jefferson, going to the movies around retirement home schedules, how the wedge salad is "The Bloomin' Onion of healthy foods," the terror of the fade route, and Spencer tries to convince everyone the best job in college football involves the alma mater of the most successful vampire fiction author of all time. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We talk about the stupidest fights we've ever seen. Then, we review a simply incredible list of reader submitted fights including: --Soldiers staging a multi-room brawl over a ham sandwich--Tussling over the rules of...hacky-sack? --A man fighting for his right to eat old beef There's also a discussion of how to license mobile hot tubs, what Mike and the Mad Dog would have made of League of Their Own, and we figure out which school is Satanic Hogwarts with a skate park. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This week the Fullcast discusses trading Florida for Italy, why Big Tex should be burned down every year at Texas/OU, discusses how potatoes are a more desirable commodity than time, looks at how hard Arkansas and Ole Miss will try way too hard to make something happen this weekend, and we beg everyone to please stop putting Arizona in the cart. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The thrilling conclusion to our Summer Stonks ChallengeWe get a pretty long way into the show before we realize we're creating a financial crime … or is it a mutual fund??Jason and Holly go on a heist, leaving Ryan and Spencer to preview Week 5Does anybody want to be our CFO? Jail time all but guaranteedPlease visit sunny preownedairboats.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The crew discusses UConn-Vanderbilt, one of the most attendable* games of this season before moving on to the important stuff: a meticulous and painstaking guide to regional fast food ordering, which winds up angering our beloved producer more than anything else we've ever said on this show.*Unless you're a 12-foot skeletonSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The gang invents an insurance companyStep right up to the USC coaching search carousel! Does that horse have Pat Haden's face? Mind your own business!Jordan Battle, hail and farewellA lot of background screaming, but for a good reason this timeThere's also a ton of football talk in this episode, we don't feel great about that eitherVisit sunny preownedairboats.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We made Ryan watch the Applebee's commercialSpencer does charades, on a podcastTitanic is a movie about a thriving lady who rids herself of a worthless manWe have re-declared war on England, this is largely unrelated to TitanicAll of this happens before the 20-minute markSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Bret Bielema has a little Drax in him. Don't make us like you, Bert. A sharp detour through Atlanta's Dudes Rock! HouseSome grudging anticipation of Week 1! Did you know there's football tonight??An announcement about the future of the Fullcast!Visit sunny preownedairboats.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's the back-to-school special edition of our beloved Disasters series, which runs for less than one minute before you get Spencer saying "I think they thought I was dead"A loving retelling of a piece of Jason lore known to true Fullcasteers as "The Ozymandias Incident"A haunting ghost story from Surber about a phantom dildoVisit sunny preownedairboats.com!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The Coaches Poll is out! Marshall and Florida State are made rivals by it!Is there an NFL washout hiding in the staff ranks at your school? You sure about that?The gang weathers a rare attack of NFL Dean TerrorHolly invents Clemson DenialJason plays film critic! This week: OLD BEACH, a movieBuy stuff with our faces on it at preownedairboats.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

HOTTY PODDY, Y'ALL. We revisit a beloved classic Fullcast format, and game out what might happen if (when) the newly expanded SEC goes to war … with itself. Jason is our Dan Carlin Dungeonmaster, as always.Naturally, this all leads to a number of gumbo arguments.Featuring a surprise Split Zone Duo guest! Don't worry, it's not Godfrey.The whole gang agrees on something for the first time in show history.We have had another online commerce incident. Still not Ryan's fault!!NEW BUSINESS IDEA: Wingstop + Zales???See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

- We made a bunch of new conferences, and got rid of all the other schools, you are welcome. - This is a lot of work, so we brought in two (2) NEW guest conference commissioners. - Because we had company, the episode suffers a massive audio failure halfway through. - A new musical instrument joins the show!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We answer YOUR questions at* SEC Media Days! *Surber's in Hoover, it counts! Invented in this episode: ARBY'S CHURCH! Also invented in this episode: JEANS OLYMPICS! A Ginuwine-themed detour that is NOT about Pony! We celebrate the Fullcat's birthday! A harrowing tale from our first online store that was NOT our fault! Sorry, Carol! A Sisqo story from 2017! Mark Stoops Take Us To A Steakhouse Challenge! Please rate and review our college football podcast See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We asked for bold predictions for the upcoming college football season, and you answered with hammers. So stunned were we by the certainty of these prophecies that we ended up doing several things we're not used to in this episode, like “talking about college football“ and “carefully parsing Arkansas‘s schedule”. Also, Spencer has mixed up NIL and NLI so many times that we're all starting to do it too. Sorry!!Privacy Policy and California Privacy Notice.

--We discuss the NCAA getting shut out in the national title game of legal cases --No really, it's hilarious, they got destroyed--Worse, they asked to be destroyed, thinking they would win! --And it only cost them $75 million to lose every case! --THEY MADE BRETT KAVANAUGH SUGGEST A UNION--Some light discussion of whether Captain America brought oral sex to the United States --A review of the Daddingest Things--Jason begins a ten year campaign to convince his wife to live in a van --Spencer gets bigtimed by his own father on Father's Day--Holly suggests a cable channel of comfort movies only aired during sports for psychological comfort

- It's a time of great upheaval and change in our fair sport, and we responded the best way we know how: By talking for half an hour about the nerve center, the beating heart of the game. That's right: It's the New York City mayoral race. Please rate and review our college football podcast. - who is VANILLA PRIME??

- It's Ryan's birthday and we got him a new nickname! - The rest of the episode is devoted to YOUR spiciest space takes! - Introducing the Mojo Grill Fugue, the hot new psychological state that's sweeping the greater Tampa area! - Tell Arizona Iced Tea to sponsor our podcast! Or Tang! The drink of astronauts! We would love a Cheerwine, thanks for asking! - TELL THEM. - #KeepMarsMoist

State mottos, ranked, PLUS:Spencer is convinced there is a “weird way“ to take off a shirtRyan wears a tank top!Which beloved Louis Sachar character is revealed to be Jason?Holly makes herself sick during the show in an entirely new way How to sneak into Australia with an American passport

If you are attending somebody’s fourth wedding or higher, that person’s family fucked up!When is the optimal time on a wedding day to fight the clergy?If your wedding is written up in the New York Post, you fucked up!Why cargo shorts are the ideal wedding attireWhich former Fullcast guest turned the Designing Women house into a Superfund site?When to confess your love for the bride or groom and then join the Marines!

Topics of note this week include:1. The Pac-12 turns itself into an enormous casino2. What the exact age you became a person was 3. How many hours precisely one can spend in Las Vegas before the sadness sets in 4. Which team should actually get to play home games in The Rose Bowl 5. Nick Saban wants skinnier hosses

- This week, we rank college football powers and would-be powers by potential endorsement deals via each school’s most famous booster! - Spencer is almost positive he knows the difference between NLI and NIL, but that knowledge is definitely not apparent in this episode! - Did you know it’s legal to shoot down hot-air balloons in Kansas on one day each year?

- Previously! On the Shutdown Fullcast! No small amount of time is spent reviewing last week’s episode! - Spencer refuses to bring back Prince! Shame on him! - Some innovative new draft language, measured in food-pounds, is explored

Trevor Lawrence! Rondale Moore! Najee Harris! Mac Jones?? PLUS: How the Thong Song exemplifies Sisqo’s personal duel with the Lord!

- Ryan has a very cool solution for Spencer’s “I owe the internet video of me drinking 300 beers” that Spencer just barrels past - A #TwoAmericas law enforcement story introduces God’s secret archangel, Cajun Damon - A goodish number of wildlife updates - Hey, the Charity Bowl’s over, we have a lot of people to thank and are going to forget at least half of them. We’re very tired! You did this to us!

Michigan won the charity bowl, again, and Spencer and Holly bring Randy and Jason Sklar on to discuss important Wolverine matters. Because this is the Fullcast, this turns out to mean “the episode is mostly about Grey’s Anatomy.”

- There is no describing this episode. Look, just play it. You’ll get there. - Alternate title was going to be THE TICK WAR EPISODE - The LEAST upsetting voice in this episode is Spencer’s Joe Paterno, if that tells you anything - In a shocking revelation, at least one member of this podcast thinks it used to be “too easy to obtain dynamite in this country”!

When you think about it, we’re all just running downhill for Jesus Second Easter of quarantine, reviewed (bad!)Presidents’ Days of the future, improvedRyan invites the ire of nautical cocaine traffickers worldwide, for business purposes

• How much y’all reckon it would cost to just buy a football program outright?• Short on new can’t-miss business ideas this week, but almost positive we’re the first media outlet to suggest militarizing rodeo clowns• Who are you, “officer," to tell us we “cannot” jetski through the Suez Canal• Ryan invents a game that reveals just how easy Spencer would be to steal from• There are manatee noises! It’s not cute!!

Jason, Spencer, Holly, and Ryan break down early-round action in the 2021 NCAA men’s and women’s basketball tournaments. Like and subscribe to our college football podcast.

Please welcome Skylab Carl, Tequila Derek, and Judge CatfishWhich tiger-affiliated school is the least equipped to handle rapidly moving water?Spencer fights against the strictures of both biology and physics, againThrill to Ryan’s tale of Florida’s sovereign sinkhole!A robust debate: What is the perfect size of bird to fight?

Imagining the world’s first gig economy coal mine!See beautiful Hispaniola, by crate!Spencer operates the annual coaching carousel quiz and it turns out Wakeyleaks has leaked entirely out of our skulls SOME SORT OF BUTCH JONES WORMHOLE OCCURS

- Hey y’all, Les Miles got fired in the middle of this show, and we pivoted about as adeptly as you might expect. - Which American fast food chain serves a CHICKEN SANDWICH AS A SIDE ITEM AT BREAKFAST, but NOT IN AMERICA? - What color y’all reckon Prince Philip’s blood is?

You’re probably not going to play professional football, so how should you decide where to attend college? Our academic survey can tell you! The “Which school has the most convenient parking" answers won’t surprise you; the “Which school has the best food" answers definitely will!Also covered: The crucial categories of “waterslide availability" and “places to take a nap in public"Eat shit, US News & World ReportThe University of Texas’s clutch of Panera-level fascist boosters don’t deserve a good-faith argument, and you shouldn’t give them one!A Charity Bowl challenge is issued!

Stop asking us if it’s Blood Week every time a ranked team loses, you’ll know when it’s Blood Week, this applies to FCS ball too Holy shit that was an amazingly bloody Blood Week of FCS ball even by our own hemoglobin-happy standards Spencer is trying to get us into F1Why have none of y’all ever informed us that “international go-karting” was an available career optionDoes anybody know how to determine if we have any remaining international go-karting eligibility

- Hey y’all, it’s the FCS draft episode, where we overcome our current general disdain for sports to pick spring football teams! - Featuring a brief but violent detour into the Boise State-Idaho rivalry! - Our collective safari into perfecting our Maine accents continues? - Never admit what is or isn’t gumbo on the internet. - “Spencer, I have a money question"

- It’s our advanced sports analytics episode! How advanced? Advanced past what? Mind your own business! - What are we using our film review skills for? Breaking down that Oklahoma bathroom fight, are you new here? - As a team, we feel pretty confident we could perform a number of basic medical procedures in the field. Listen along to find out which! - Adding to the ever-expanding roster of basic concepts Spencer has no grasp of, we can now add “sitcoms” and “human bones” - Dabo will never be a great leader of history because Genghis Khan paid his players

--Can't sleep, must think about Baconator --an ode to the most essential Panda Express on the planet --All Gus Malzahn does is cash checks he will never spend--Everyone belongs to one of four human tribes: The Zappers, Wild Aces, Beasts, or Glacier Boyz--Holly challenges us to work onside kicks into every sport--YE ATE ME DART--Spencer just wants to steal horses

--Spencer and Ryan duel to see who can hold the longest WELLLCOME, and Spencer almost dies --a review of the DIAMOND HANDS LIFESTYLE, or how the whole world is living the #FullcastLyfe now--A review of Ren Faires, and why they are not Med Faires--Jared Goff is smarter than all of us --Matt Stafford, Daydrinking Nap God --Picking out teams clearly free-riding on other teams' effort --How almost every SEC team is quantitatively trying toooo hard --Has anyone ever peed on the moon? --We pick the LUCRATIVE DEAD MALL STONKS OF THE FUTURE for you

Why are you even asking if we bought GameStop stock? Of course we bought GameStop stockSpencer invented a game! That’s not as bad as it sounds! Why are you flinching? Anyway, the game goes like this: Can you pick hit or miss coaching hires throughout history based solely on their records? Turns out we can’t, but we CAN reunite Ryan with his coaching spirit soulmateWhich former Colorado head coach is Holly’s new life coach?With Enough Flex Tape, You Can Live Forever (Shutdown Fullcast not currently sponsored by Flex Tape)

It’s the cryptocurrency episode! Spencer wants to invest $100 in bitcoin live on the air, and we may not be able to talk him out of it! The Vitruvian Man, updated for the modern age! (it’s Kid Rock, sorry) The four bodily humors, updated for the modern age! (one of them is Fritos, sorry) In honor of the NFL playoffs, the team goes looking for the best clam chowder in Tampa, sorry

We can exclusively report that Homophobic Country Ham With A Headset On It has turned down the Tennessee jobAn abbreviated list of players and coaches about whom we have been Quite Wrong, footballishly speakingSo we’ll be talking about Josh Allen for quite a bitJust draft Bama guys, anybody named after an Egyptian allfather, and Rondale Moore

In keeping with Fullcast tradition, we belly-flop into the offseason by restarting our Disasters Playlist, this time centered around “times you have set things on fire that were not supposed to be on fire.” Includes the following instant-classic story elements: • “We did not have a fireplace.” • “The smoke was visible for miles around.” • “Ants survived.” • “It was like a terra-cotta jet engine.”Also, this very quickly becomes our long-awaited musical episode. Surprise!

Ill-advised napping locations we have knownSark Week goes sideways, fastInjuries invented during the course of this episode: sex hernia, gamer’s knee, online toe Right, the title game So: What is “the failure state”?

- Definitely forgot we had to do one more show before the title game! We are so tired! - Magnets, fondly remembered - Make time for an old friend, and for Meatloaf - If you’ve read this far, we feel comfortable disclosing you are now a member of the John Wick Fitness Empirium. Cancel anytime!

* Folks, they called the Senate runoffs pretty much right in the middle of recording this thing, and then they cancelled Caillou, and we found out about all of this mid-show, so just bear with us okay* There may or may not be a title game in five days, sure * Holly becomes the final Fullcasteer to come up with a voice that she is never allowed to do on the show again* A robust amount of NFL coaching carousel analysis* You’re probably overpaying for snakes

—Jacksonville’s mayor wants to fight people—Why you can’t legally call paying Lane Kiffin “an investment”—Ryan tells Notre Dame why you can’t be aggressively cautious during a football game —Clay Helton, formulated for the sensitive stomachs of senior cats —KIRBY!—The Italian Christmas Donkey was the Lamborghini of 32 AD —#Justice4Han