Parenting Teens: The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have Podcast

“I was the kind of parent who was a negotiator; when rules were broken, I would give them an out.”  David Yale – Hyde Alumni Parent David’s wife died when his daughter was eleven years old. Their parenting style together had been to negotiate with their kids. “We wanted them to be happy,” he says. With his wife’s untimely death, David had to parent not only through his own grief, but that of his kids. It was inevitable that their happiness was important to him and he says he knows he overcompensated for their loss. “Ultimately,” he shares, “you have to get to a place as a parent where you deal with your kids’ unhappiness with the higher goal of them becoming well-rounded, high-character people. [The Priority] Taking hold and Letting go taught me that I had to give them some of the tools but at the same time it’s up to them to model the behavior or not and deal with whatever comes out of that.”  David shares not only what The Biggest Job Parenting Program taught him about his parenting, but also about the community he found within the program.  

“The more vulnerability that I share with my children, the closer we become.”  Luc Levensohn, Hyde Alumni Parent Luc’s daughter was dealing with anxiety in high school, mostly caused by self-applied pressure to achieve in a school culture very focused on achievement. When Luc and his family found Hyde, he learned a lot about the need for a different kind of communication with his daughter – one based on unconditional love but that still included boundaries and accountability. In this brief, candid interview with a former Hyde dad, we learn a lot about the specialness of father/daughter relationships and the need to be real.

Focus on yourself. Pieter Wolters and Ank Stuyfzand are proud of their son’s character and growth; they are also proud of their own growth as parents. In our series of interviews with Hyde Alumni Parents, I usually ask the question “What was working in your parenting before you got to Hyde?” Ank Stuyfzand and Pieter Wolters had several answers: Ank:    We always had high standards for our son and for ourselves. Pieter: We kept to the same guidelines in a situation. Ank: We kept an open communication with each other. Despite what sounds like a solid foundation in their parenting, they felt their son needed a school with more structure. They were not seeking a character-based school, but after visiting the school and learning about the curriculum, they were sold on Hyde for their son. “A huge turning point for me,” said Ank, “was when I was told to focus on myself and let my son focus on himself.” Pieter and Ank’s story is not unusual; they jumped into The Biggest Job Parent Program with both feet, not really liking it very much at first, but knowing they needed to make some changes in themselves.  They advise other parents to do the same. They are proud of where their son is today and proud of themselves as parents. 

What’s Your Parenting Style? Hyde Alumni Parent, Kate Carey, says hers was “Why am I the only one who sees clearly?  I’m a victim and I’ve got some resentment.” She describes her husband’s style as “sometimes pampering, sometimes fury.” Both are very descriptive! Whatever your parenting style, you’ll enjoy this brief but sincere conversation with Kate, who realized in their first experience – the interview – that Hyde was the place for her son. She learned that letting go meant allowing her son to make mistakes and learn from them; appreciating that he could teach his parents some things, and that working on her own growth was the best thing for herself and her whole family. 

Podcast 103: Jeff and Melissa Burroughs: Their daughter brought them back to Hyde… “I didn’t really want my daughter to go away to school…” Jeff Burroughs, former assistant Head of Hyde School, and Hyde Alumni Parent. As former teachers and administrators at The Hyde School, both Jeff and Melissa Burroughs knew well what the program was like for students and parents. Yet when they found themselves in The Biggest Job Family program with a daughter at the school, their learning about themselves as parents was deeper than even they expected. “In certain ways,” said Melissa, “my kids felt the need for my approval. I realized I also had felt the need for my parents’ approval when I was growing up. The seminar guidelines gave me some really good tools to be able to step outside myself and look at this.”  

  “Tell My Story.” - Ryan Reid Jason (Jay) Reid is doing just that; telling his son, Ryan’s story. Ryan took his life when he was 14, leaving two Post-It Notes: one was the passcode to his computer; the second said “Tell My Story.” In this podcast we hear from a very brave father who misses his son, wishes he’d been more vulnerable, wishes he’d listened differently.  “We need to change the conversation around mental health,” says Jay; “families need to be talking about mental health and asking the right questions.” Jay has founded an organization called ChooseLife (www.chooselife.org) and is making a documentary to eradicate – not just raise awareness – but ERADICATE teen suicide by the year 2030.   

Who would want to do that – crash their career? But it’s the subtitle of the book, Ditch the Gatekeepers and Be Your Own Credential, that brings sense to the title; and it’s a new book written by Isaac Morehouse, a man who likes to call himself radically practical. Isaac has some pretty radical views on education, careers, and freedom; he believes that if college is a four-year social experience, it seems really overpriced. And “if it’s to prepare you for a successful career, it’s the most absurd format imaginable.” His company, PRAXIS, is a yearlong startup apprenticeship program that helps kids launch a career without a college degree and without debt. You can find Isaac at www.isaacmorehouse.com

  “Kids can’t identify with our achievements.”  Joe Gauld, Founder, Hyde School It’s our 100th podcast!  And our very special guest is Joe Gauld, founder of The Hyde School in Bath, ME. I asked Joe to be the guest on our 100th show because it all started with him. He founded Hyde School to prepare kids for life; after five years, he realized that unless he also reached their parents, he wasn’t helping kids in the best way possible, because the home is the primary classroom and parents are the primary teachers. The parent program at Hyde is called The Biggest Job Family Program, where parents learn how to put truth over harmony and focus on attitude over aptitude. They also learn that vulnerability is an important trait in parenting. Welcome to our 100th podcast! @JoeGauld | Joseph W Gauld | Hyde School

  “Nothing is for sure when it comes to our kids; we do the best we know with what we have at the time.”  -  Dan Scott Dan Scott is the author of Caught In Between: Engage Your Preteens Before They Check Out; he is also a pastor and writer for Orange Books and speaks to teens and parents about child and adolescent development.   He has written several devotionals for kids and believes that faith is as important on Wednesday as it is on the day they are in church or synagogue. He also believes in our familiar phrase: “Parents are the primary teachers and the home is the primary classroom”. www.danscottblog.com Twitter and Instagram: @danscott77 To Subscribe to the Parenting Teens Podcast: From your Mobile Device: Open the Podcast app and search the iTunes podcast store for “Hyde School” or “Parenting Teens Biggest Job.” Click the Subscribe button.

“It’s About Effort, Not IQ” – Title of Chapter 10: The Sport of School, by Christian Buck There are so many great quotes and teachings in The Sport of School: How to Help Student-Athletes Improve their Grades for High School, College, and Beyond!  that it was hard to choose the one that would catch your eye and make you want to listen to this podcast.  Here are a few more: “Is our goal to prepare our students for the next four years or the next 40?” “While I am a big proponent of goals, I am a greater proponent of a clear vision.” “True change on the part of your student involves change for you as well, and the recognition that ultimately your student must make the decision to motivate himself or herself.” Sound familiar? Christian Buck left a career on Wall Street, got an advanced degree in sports psychology and now works with students to help them see that school can be approached the same way they approach sports in their lives: with vision, goals and hard work. There’s great advice here for parents wanting to help their kids in the same way. www.ChristianBuck.com; on Twitter @CBuckconsulting

We talk today with Ron Lieber, author of The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money. What parent wouldn’t want that? “It’s hard for parents to talk to their kids about money,” says Ron; “they are not dispassionate about money, and not calm and rational about their kids.” His book gives great advice for parents on all things about kids and money, and the connection between money and values. There are also wonderful stories and ideas from real families that he interviewed. Ron is the “Your Money” columnist for The New York Times. His next book, “What to Pay for College: An Entirely New Guide to the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make,” will be published by Harper Collins in 2020. You can find him at www.ronlieber.com.

“Parents need to listen to their teen. Support them in becoming who they want to be, not who you want them to be.”  Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD Marilyn Price-Mitchell is a developmental psychologist, who works as a researcher and writer. For the last decade she’s focused efforts on studying how parents, educators and mentors nurture positive strengths in children. In her free e-book “Reframing Success,” she lists eight attributes that are important in children and teens: Empathy Curiosity Sociability Resilience Self-awareness Integrity Resourcefulness Creativity You can find Marilyn at www.rootsofaction.com; in Psychology Today, where she is a regular columnist; or at www.mpricemitchell.com.

Would you, as a parent, buy your kid’s way into college? Signe Wilkinson, cartoon du jour TOON14, Admissions Scam "Here at Hyde School, we want kids to do the honorable thing without thinking about it." Malcolm Gauld, Director, The Hyde Institute Malcolm has been a teacher, coach and head of school at Hyde School; he is currently Director of The Hyde Institute, an organization established to take Hyde’s unique approach to family-based character education to other schools in the nation. He was not surprised to learn that some parents would buy their student’s way into college; but he was surprised by the extent of it. “The parents have deprived their children of a very important rite of passage; the college application is the first time that an 18 year old takes their credentials into the world to see what the world says. Parents need to see how their children handle that.’ In this podcast, we look at how the lack of integrity on the part of many people involved in the admissions cheating contributed to the outcome. Read Malcolm's blog article, "Personal Character > College Prestige" on the subject.

“You can’t take the struggle out of parenting – it’s built in. The real question is, how much are we willing to challenge ourselves?” This quote from When Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully  - and Enjoy Being a Parent Again by Sean Glover, is just one of many wise things about parenting you will hear in this interview. Sean is a psychotherapist, speaker, and author with 25 years’ experience working with adults and children in New York City. His approach to parenting is the same as The Biggest Job’s: “When parents model the behaviors they want to see in their kids, they lead the way to better communication and a better relationship.”  You can find Sean at www.seangrover.com.

“Listen, listen, listen.” – Chris Guidera, Hyde Alumni Parent Chris Guidera, husband of Ali di Groot who was on the show last week, had similar words as his wife about his parenting: “I thought I had all the answers,” he admits; “and I learned that I needed to listen more. The family I grew up in  - somebody was always talking; nobody listened.” Chris thought he was doing it differently than how he was raised, but learned he wasn’t. He made changes in his parenting through The Biggest Job Parenting Program and ultimately changed the level of trust between his daughter and himself.

“Before we went to Hyde, I was parenting from a very angry place.” Ali de Groot, Hyde Alumni Parent Ali embraced the parenting program, once she realized what was being asked of her, and says that her parenting changed drastically. “We didn’t have to keep saying things like, do your homework, do your homework.  The parent training taught me to just, one by one, let go of my attachments to all the outcomes and to focus on myself. I was able to treat my daughter much more calmly; I wasn’t angry anymore.” In this podcast, Ali shares how The Biggest Job Parent program changed her, her parenting, and all her relationships.

Eric Karlan, Creative Commons license, image has been cropped “What Do I Need to Know About You?”  is Eric Karlan’s favorite question to students. Eric Karlan is co-owner of an organization called Ivy Experience, which helps students prepare for ACT and SAT testing, write college essays and complete college applications. Don’t let the name of his company fool you into thinking that he only helps students interested in Ivy League Schools; he helps students and families interested in ANY school. He wants to know how a student is engaged in the world, and helps them find their unique story – what sets them apart – what their values and quirks are, and the obstacles they’ve overcome. He asks the question, “What do I need to know about you?” because he believes that sharing one’s authenticity and passion is the most important part of helping students get to the right topic for their college essay.  “What is an admissions officer?” Eric asks; “He or she is a person; and people accept other people.”  Eric’s website is www.ivyexperience.com He has an enlightening Ted Talk at:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTUjyf18XL8&t=8s

"As my children know from early on what I told them repeatedly… the two most important possessions a person has is their word and their integrity." Dr. Bruce E. Berger, MD, Associate Professor of Medicine, Emeritus School of Medicine, Case Western Reserve University. A tumultuous divorce and custody battle led Bruce to seek a school that would give his son structure, stability and an academic education that was character-based.   Having been awarded custody of his two children when they were young, he parented from a rule-based approach; what he learned through The Biggest Job Family Program was that he was parenting from his own anxiety about his situation, not from his principles. Bruce’s circumstance might be different, but his parenting challenges can be seen in many of our own stories. 

Can students achieve more by doing less in college? “YES!” says Kyle Winey, college productivity expert, in his book, Hackiversity: The Secrets to Achieving More by Doing Less in College.  When I read the title of this book, my first thought was, “Is this guy going to tell kids and parents that you really don’t have to study in college?” What I found out was the opposite.  Kyle’s recommendations are: Achieve Self-Awareness by finding your passion, your strengths, your purpose and figuring out what lifestyle you want. Maximize Your Marketability through your college selection, the megatrends out there today, the selection of your major, your grades, internships, networking and your character (which he calls non-negotiable skills). “Hacking college isn’t meant to show you all of the ingredients involved with college success,” says Kyle. “It’s to help identify the few elements that rocket you toward success faster and with less effort.” Our podcast conversation with Kyle gives you glimpses into Kyle’s premise and philosophy, which I think you’ll find fascinating. You can learn more about Kyle and HACKiversity at www.hackiversity.com. In addition to HACKiversity the book, Kyle's HACKiversity Project features a college selection tool designed to generate a list of colleges that are right for you, based on your location, grades, and budget.

“I learned that I had to be consistently patient and patiently consistent in my parenting.”  Dennis Cavalli, Hyde Alumni Parent Dennis and Claire Cavalli went through The Biggest Job Parent program almost ten years ago at Hyde School, but they are still using what they learned. “I was just going through the motions of living my life,” says Claire; “I was doing what I thought I should do, or what the books said.” In this is podcast, you’ll find out how the parent program helped them change as individuals and as a couple; how this change helped their son; and how people in their community are now coming to them, seeking help.

In the first of our series on parenting wisdom from Hyde Alumni Parents, Laura Main says: “I was willing to do whatever I was asked to help my son, including if it was hanging upside down from the rooftop by rope from my ankles.”  I think most parents feel this way. The family is doing great, is, in fact, a great family, and suddenly things aren’t going so well; perhaps there are struggles between the parents, a separation or divorce; a teen feels they need more independence; a parent feels the child needs more accountability. Whatever the reason, the student, and perhaps the whole family, is not thriving. Laura and Doug share what their parenting was like before sending their son to Hyde, how their parenting changed, and what it’s like now. They admit they learned a great deal about themselves, both as individuals and as parents in The Biggest Job Family Program.

“What’s missing in many American lives is an everyday place for conversation about sexuality. We have “do” and “don’t”, but almost no “hmmm – let’s think about that…”  ~ Bonnie Rough Having the chance to live for a period of time in Holland, Bonnie Rough and her young family experienced firsthand the way the Dutch have learned to teach their children about sex, sexuality and gender equality. Her latest book, Beyond Birds and Bees: Bringing Home a New Message to Our Kids about Sex, Love, and Equality, and our conversation in this podcast, are filled with humor, humility, and heart. She is forth coming about her own doubts and how she struggled to overcome them and give her children the foundations in sexual education to never feel shame about their bodies and their sexuality.  Bonnie can be found at www.bonniejrough.com and on social media.

Natalie Borrell of Life Success for Teens That’s what we all want for our teens, isn’t it? Well, have you ever thought about having a coach for your teen? To help them deal with anxiety, fear of loss, and fear of rejection? Sure, all parents would like to be the person their teen turns to for help with these things, but what if you’re not? What if your teen doesn’t want you to be the one to help them deal with their test anxiety, presentation skills and how to talk to their teachers? It might be a hard pill to swallow, but remember what we say in The Biggest Job Workshops: “Humility is one of the most important qualities in parenting.” This podcast with Natalie Borrell, a school psychologist, and Alison Grant, a teacher with a license in counseling, of Life Success for Teens, (www.lifesuccessforteens.com) gives us insight into teenage anxiety and some great tips for dealing with it. They can also be found on Facebook at Parents Raising Successful Teens – a free community group.

Richard Preece, author of Live Big Richard Preece works for a global investment management company. After graduating from The Biggest Job Parenting program at Hyde School, he took the Ten Priorities into his work place, teaching and modeling them in this country and abroad. “There’s not really any difference between what challenges people at home and what challenges them at work; so the 10 Priorities work wherever you are and whatever you’re doing,” he says. Richard has written a book called Live Big: Creating the Life You Never Dared to Dream which is available on Amazon. If interested in finding out how to implement The 10 Priorities at your work place, contact Richard at rpreece56@yahoo.com. The 10 Priorities Truth over Harmony Principles over Rules Attitude over Aptitude Set High Expectations, Let Go of Outcomes Value Success and Failure Allow Obstacles to Become Opportunities Take Hold and Let Go Create a Character Culture Humility to Ask for and Accept Help Inspiration: Job # 1

Lisa Wade, author of American Hookup If the title of this book, American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus, by Lisa Wade, PhD., startles you, the information and descriptions in the book may shock you. But tune in to this podcast so you can find out the truth about how pervasive hook-up culture on college campuses is today, its pervasiveness and effects on students.   In an up-front conversation, Lisa Wade, associate professor of Sociology at Occidental College, gives us insight into the history of the hook-up culture on college campuses, the reasons students choose to hook-up, or choose to avoid it, and what colleges could do to change this culture. “Seeing what’s happening on campus as a culture – recognizing that it’s not the hookup itself, but hookup culture that is the problem – is the first step to changing it,” she writes. Lisa travels nationally, giving talks about hookup culture. You can find her on twitter (@lisawade); on Instagram (lisawadephd) or at https://lisa-wade.com

Are you a perfectionist? Is it influencing your child to be perfect also? “Focus instead on who are you as a person, what do you stand for, what do you believe in, what are your deeper principles, and how are you going to live a life that adheres to that? And if you do, you’re going to achieve what you’re meant to achieve, and it’s not a societal standard and it’s not better than other people, it’s your personal best.”  ~ Claire Grant Claire, who is Executive Director of The Biggest Job Family Program at Hyde School, talks candidly about perfectionism in her own life as a teenager; how it happened, and her struggle to be satisfied with her own effort. She gives tips to parents who might be expecting perfection, and who are parenting out of guilt because they feel they should be more or because they’ve let their kid down in some way.

Lenore Skenazy, President & Co-Founder of Let Grow In a world where parents are getting a lot of blame, here’s a different answer for why kids are so anxious about everything. Enter Lenore Skenazy, founder of LET GROW (www.letgrow.org) and author of Free Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry).  “NO!” she says, “It’s not the parents; it’s this culture that has written everything that kids do, see, eat, hear, read,  lick – whatever - encounter as something that will be difficult and possibly dangerous…” This is an informative and high-energy conversation with the woman who started the free range kids movement, now a law in the state of Utah and a pending bill in other states.  (https://www.npr.org/2018/04/01/598630200/utah-passes-free-range-parenting-law) Lenore and her team have also started Let Grow, an organization that includes the Let Grow Project for parents and the Let Grow Play Club for schools. Let Grow is trying to help parents, schools and communities get back to raising resilient, independent kids. You can download free materials for projects to do at home and at school from the website www.letgrow.org Contact Lenore at www.letgrow.org to arrange a speaking engagement or to get more information.

“Addiction takes over everything… it’s this brain disease that affects individuals and changes their whole view of life and their whole view of relationships.” ~ Katherine Ketcham The Only Life I Could Save is Katherine Ketcham’s seventeenth book; she has co-authored sixteen others, ten of which are on the subject of addiction and recovery. For years she worked with kids in a Juvenile Detention Center, but when addiction lands in her own family, nothing she learned from the kids in “juvie” seemed to help. From the flyleaf: “This book is a raw and moving memoir of heartbreak, healing and profound transformation; … of what Katherine deems the most important lessons of faith, hope, acceptance, and forgiveness.” This podcast introduces you to a very brave woman, a brave family, and a son who continues to lead and inspire them all. You can find Katherine at www.katherineketchambooks.com or ketchak@gmail.com

What if your teen doesn’t want to go to college? “Only 11 percent of employers believe new college graduates have the skills their businesses need. Seventy-one percent of employers said they would consider hiring a person without a degree over a person with a degree.”  ~ Ryan Craig. Ryan Craig is an investor and author of A New U: Faster + Cheaper Alternatives to College (BenBella Books). In this book, he explains why he feels colleges are not educating kids for today’s jobs; what’s wrong with career services departments at universities; and what the alternatives to college are - alternatives that are faster, cheaper and put kids on a track to avoid layers of debt from a college diploma. “Faster + cheaper alternatives aren’t pathways to vocational or blue collar jobs, but rather to digital new collar careers,” he writes. The book is enlightening and fascinating; and this interview will peak your interest and raise your level of awareness about alternatives to college that don’t incur debt and the possibility of no job after four years of study. The best place to find Ryan is on twitter: @ryancraiguv

Do your kids say things like this…? Hear the inside scoop from three students about what they learned in the Inner Leadership Program at Hyde School… “We asked ourselves, how are we as a family going to flourish?” – Evan Davis “I could choose to be curious about my role in the family, or I could just avoid the truth [about it].” – Brett Van Vort “My family is so much more open with each other now; there’s not really anything that we can’t talk about.” - Jenny Balter There’s much more on this podcast from these three students on what they learned in the various pieces of the program, from confidence in public speaking and independence and trust in themselves, to finding the balance between having fun and still being a good role model. These students, each now in college, are honest, and self-reflective. I found them quite amazing in the way they could articulate their answers.

Our podcast today will explain the answers to the above questions, as we talk with Laura Gauld, Head of School and President of the Hyde School Organization. Hyde School’s Inner Leadership Program, where the journey of your unique potential begins, is the promise to all students who graduate from the school. There are five deliverables within this promise: Self awareness: what are my strengths? What is my vision? What are my obstacles? Public speaking confidence The importance of taking on challenges outside one’s comfort zone Meaningful relationships: understanding what they are and how to create them The family context: understanding the dynamics and influence of my family Listen to this podcast and hear how these deliverables are accomplished at Hyde School.  

“When it comes to being a step parent, there isn’t one right way, because every family dynamic is different. You’re marrying the package: you’re marrying ex-spouses; you’re marrying the kids…; the right way is your way for you.” ~ Lisa Walker The above quote is just a small piece of the wonderful wisdom you’ll hear on step-parenting in this podcast with Lisa Walker. When she married, he had a son in the ninth grade; the boy’s mother was very much in the picture, and as biological parents they had a fear of holding their son accountable. As a step parent, Lisa learned that standing up for her own values was the thing that would most help her step son. An adult now, he’s told her this mattered; that he is the man he is today, in part, because of her love and respect for him.

"Clear limits and boundaries aren’t just nice or good for children and teens; they’re bedrock.” ~ Deborah Roffman: Talk To Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go-To” Person about Sex. In part two of our series with Debbie Roffman, she teaches us the importance of the five-piece suit of parenting, mentioned briefly in part one. Those five parts are: Affirmation Information Clarity about Values Limits and Boundaries Guidance She emphasizes the importance of letting our kids know, clearly, what our values are, in all aspects of life including sexuality; of “being the parent;” and to communicate the humanity of being sexual with another human being. Debbie is referred to by her colleagues as the most articulate professional voice in the US on the need for broad-based human sexuality education. She works with parents, schools and students all across the country. You can find her at www.talk2mefirst.com.

Are you looking for a “way in” to have the sex talk with your teen? Deborah Roffman Deborah Roffman has the answers for us in her book, Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go-To” Person about Sex. In the preface of her book she writes: “What I hope you’ll discover most of all, if you haven’t already, is the joyfulness to be found in educating and guiding your children around this most central and amazing part of our humanity.” In the first of a two-part series Debbie explains why it’s so important for our kids to hear information about sexuality from a trusted adult first, and where they go when the information isn’t from that person. Debbie publishes widely throughout national media, and does workshops and trainings for teachers, parents, counselors and students at schools and organizations across the country. In 2016 she was named as one of Time Magazine’s 16 Top Parenting Experts for the 21st Century. You can find her at www.talk2mefirst.com.

“Integrity is a way you live your life, a way you make decisions every day, and how you treat others… it’s the little things  you do that get seen as the bigger things.”   ~ Geri Goldstein Geri’s comment, above, comes from experience. There was an “elephant” in the living room in her family; after years of enabling others in the family, Geri found within herself what it took to speak the truth about it. This story has an uplifting and positive ending, thanks to Geri’s integrity and courage, and the entire family’s ability to ask others for help. Don’t miss this one!

“Do your kids know more about gender and sexual attraction than you do?”   Amy Lang, of Birds and Bees and Kids (www.birdsandbeesandkids.com), and the author of Birds and Bees and YOUR Kids, and Dating Smarts: What EVERY teen needs to know to date, relate or wait!, joins us for a second podcast – this time about gender, sexual attraction, what it means to be gender fluid, what is cisgender? Pansexual? And more… “Trust your child to know their gender, even if it doesn’t conform to the gender they were assigned at birth and may not make sense to you. Gender is not about what genitals a person has, but who they know themselves to be in their heart.” Amy is starting her own podcast which will be a Q & A podcast; phone her at 206-926-1522 and leave your questions. She gives terrific advice to parents on this subject; you’ll want to hear what she has to say in this podcast.

R U Ok?: Teen Depression & Suicide is the title of a book by author Kristi Hugstad, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist and credentialed health educator.   After her husband completed suicide, Kristi bought every book on grief she found and says her living room looked like a recovery library; because of her experience and her new understanding of what she wished she had known, (the title of a previous book she wrote is What I Wish I’d Known), Kristi wrote R U Ok?, a book for parents, educators and teens.* This interview with Kristi is up-lifting, enlightening and down to earth at the same time. Her presentation of the causes for the depression which can then lead to suicide are straightforward and thought provoking. If you have not had “the talk” - and Kristi doesn’t mean the sex talk, she means the talk about suicide - with your teen, it’s just as important as the other talks from parents, like “don’t text and drive!”  *Through a grant, R U Ok? is available for schools and organizations, free of charge. Contact Kristi at www.thegriefgirl.com to ask for your copies.

What can parents do to reduce the chance of teens hurting themselves?   Kirrilie Smout This is the title of an article (and today’s podcast) with Kirrilie Smout, clinical psychologist and founder of Developing Minds: Helping kids & teens learn life skills & manage tough times, located near Adelaide, Australia. In a nutshell, Kirrilie says: We should do everything we can to help teens be connected with a peer group. (And she gives suggestions on how to do this.) We need to help teens learn strategies to cope when they are feeling agitated, stressed, hopeless and overwhelmed. (And she describes some of them.) In the article, there is a link for some of these strategies: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning/create-beyondnow-safety-plan Beyond Blue is in Australia, but the coping strategies are universal.  She asked that I give several links in the United States: https://www.newhavenrtc.com/self-harm-help/effective-therapies-for-adolescent-cutting/ https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Adolescent_Self_Harm.aspx Kirrilie has also written two books that are available through her website: www.developingminds.net.au When Life Sucks: ideas and tactics for teens in tough times When Life Sucks for Kids: ideas and tips for when you feel mad, worried or sad – or life gets kind of messy.

Are you worried about an eating disorder in your child? Then you’ll definitely want to listen to this podcast with Dana Suchow, national speaker and activist on eating disorders. Dana has personally overcome bulimia, binge eating, and exercise compulsion and has a firsthand understanding of how eating disorders can get started and what parents can do. Dana has been seen on Good Morning America and ABC News; she’s been interviewed by Vogue, Marie Claire, and numerous other publications. Our interview includes her views on the contributions social media and the diet culture are making to the issue of eating disorders, how parents unwittingly contribute to the problem; and the fact that eating disorders are so often combined with other things. If you have questions because your child has or you think they may have an eating disorder, Dana suggests contacting The National Eating Disorders Association at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org. Dana’s focus is preventative, and she speaks to parents, teachers or anyone involved with raising kids. You can find Dana at www.danasuchow.com or on Instagram @danasuchow.

“Parenting through puberty is demanding; [but] remember that your teen needs and loves you, even in the moment that he or she appears to have forgotten this fact!” This is just one of the many great reminders about parenting adolescents in a wonderful new book by pediatrician, Dr. Suanne Kowal-Connelly called Parenting Through Puberty: Mood Swings, Acne, and Growing Pains, published by the American Academy of Pediatrics.  It’s advertised as an ultimate guide to puberty, and indeed it is.    Dr. Suanne, as her patients call her, covers the nuts and bolts of what happens to children’s bodies as they go through the 5 stages of puberty (both boys and girls); issues of self-esteem and body image; concerns that parents have about the timing of puberty; the developing brain of a teenager; the relationship with a pediatrician; guidance for parents of adolescents with special needs; the subject of physical literacy; and lots on health and wellness. There are also resources on all the subjects she writes about, including eating disorders, depression and anxiety.  The book is a great read and a wonderful reference book for all things adolescent. You can find Dr. Suanne through her website and blog (www.healthpoweredbyyou.com), or on twitter at https://twitter.com/suannekowal.   Dr. Suanne Kowal-Connelly

“What do parents of high school and college kids fear most?”  This is a question I ask Shannon Evans, the scholar coach. A former teacher, Shannon turned to helping families find the right college because as a teacher, she found that kids were not often coming up with the right fit for themselves when it came to going to college. She uses a family questionnaire, which she describes in this interview, in which parents have to answer questions about their kids: their preferences, their values, their likes and dislikes. She says, “There are often big surprises when the family reconvenes and shares their answers with each other.” You can find Shannon at https://thescholarcoach.com/.com, and she welcomes free, 20 minute consultations to answer you initial questions. 

As a parent, have you ever felt like you were drowning? It can be a lonely feeling when your child or your family is going off-track.  Where do you turn?  What do you do? Ed and Linda Murphy found help at the Hyde School in Bath, Maine. And through The Biggest Job Family Program they learned how to parent from their principles, letting go of parenting from fear, guilt or control. This is a short podcast but a powerful conversation with long time Hyde alumni parents who are very grateful for the life boat that came along and rescued their drowning family.

Are you worried about the effect of social media on your kids? If so, this podcast may put your mind at ease, at least about some aspects of all that kids are exposed to in the media and on devices. Caroline Knorr, senior parenting editor for Common Sense Media,* shares with us her wisdom about what parents should watch for and the questions they need to ask their kids about what’s going on with them when they’re on their devices.  “In general, social media is a positive with our kids,” Caroline says. “We need to encourage what’s good, and minimize any risks or anything that could exacerbate what’s already there [as a problem] for a child.” You can find Caroline at cknorr@commonsense.org. She enjoys hearing from parents. *Common Sense Media is an organization that provides reviews on all products to which kids are exposed, including movies, apps, games, and even you-tube channels. Their website is www.commonsensemedia.org  Watch for their latest research report in September, 2018. 

Do you consider yourself an honest family, but you don’t talk about the elephant in the room? Many families are like this; they avoid talking about the really tough stuff; and then kids quickly learn what it’s okay to talk about and what is off limits. Sheri and Alan Brooks sent three kids to The Hyde School, and went through The Biggest Job Family Program three times. “The third time we did a parent retreat,” they said, “we finally got to the deep issues between us, got honest about them, and began to inspire our children in a totally new way. We were an honest family, but we never talked about the elephant in the room,” said Alan. In this podcast, Sheri and Alan talk about how The Biggest Job Family program helped them come to an adult-to-adult relationship with each of their now grown children. You’ll enjoy their humor and candor about how they stopped being helicopter parents and inspired their children with their willingness to parent differently.

“Providing information about sex is not the same as giving permission.”  ~ Amy Lang Amy Lang has written two great books on how to talk to your kids about sex. The first one, titled Birds + Bees + Your Kids is also the name of her company: BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com. She teaches parents the importance of clarifying their own values and beliefs about sexuality, love, and relationships, thus forming the solid foundation needed to have the sex talks. Her second book, Dating Smarts: What EVERY teen needs to know to date, relate or wait is for parents to read and then to give to their teens to read. Nothing is left out in these books. “A well educated child [about sex] is a safer child,” Amy explains.  She does workshops for parents on how to teach kids about sex; and she welcomes questions. You can find her blog and website at https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/ and email her at amy@birdsandbeesandkids.com.

"The greatest impact on children are the unlived lives of adults.”  Carl Jung In our last five parenting mantras, Laura Gauld, co-author of the book, The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have, mentions this quote.  “We need the help of others to get to our own greatness as parents.” The mantras in this podcast are about living the kind of life as a parent that will inspire our children; that will model character for them; and that will show our kids our spirit. The final five mantras are: Others see you as you cannot see yourself. Embrace curiosity and learn something new each day. IPSES: Intellectual, Physical, Spiritual, Emotional, Social No one taps into their greatness without the help of others. Inspiration: Job # 1

Do you see your teen in a way that is only one dimensional?  Does your teen see you the same way? This is a question that Kristin Harman, Director of Admissions at the Hyde School, encourages parents to look at as they decide if they want to start parenting in the exceptional way that The Biggest Job Family Program teaches parents to do. After working at seven different schools in her career, Kristin came to the Hyde School. She finds that the interview process helps kids and parents listen differently to each other and this begins to establish a deeper trust in each other. In this podcast, Kristin also talks about how she views the influence of social media; the increase of anxiety in teens; and answers the question, “Is depression sometimes a mask for anxiety?”

This is a great way to help ourselves, as parents, keep our kids from manipulating us says author, Laura Gauld.  The mantras in today’s podcast are: View each day as an opportunity for growth Do the unexpected (and keep your child off guard.) Let go of perfection. Take hold of excellence Be a good friend and make new friends.

When big parenting issues come up, do you ever think “…if only he/she would just do it my way? Then we could solve this and move on!” As you well know, it doesn’t usually happen this way. “Kids highlight the real challenge in the family: the one between the parenting partners,” writes Vicki in this wonderful hands-on book. A true proponent of fostering independence in kids, Vicki teaches us that looking at how we were parented and melding that with the experience of our partner is truly a challenge. She believes that “having a strong marriage and having solid parenting strategies is not enough to successfully negotiate the tricky terrain of co-parenting with someone who has an entirely different idea on how to raise the kids.” So how do we meld ideas on parenting in order to co-parent? This book (and this podcast) will help get you started. You can find Vicki at www.vickihoefle.com You can also listen to our first interview with Vicki, about her book Duct Tape Parenting.

We learn in today’s podcast with speaker and author, Laura Gauld, that the word “accept” is an important part of parenting.  Laura talks about accepting what our own parents gave us, taking a look at how we listen, and actually reaching out and seeking honesty about how others see us.  Today’s mantras are: Accept what your own parents gave you, what they tried to give you and what they were unable to give you. Get up every day and model character in the little moments. Give others permission to be totally honest with you. Do something each day for your pure joy. Share successes and failures with your child.

Are you trying to be “the perfect mom?” Think you’re “not very good at being a mother…?”  This podcast and book are for you! Mommy Burnout: How to Reclaim Your Life and Raise Healthier Children in the Process Although the title of this book, by Dr. Sheryl Ziegler, might sound like a book for mothers of younger children, be assured that it’s not. Moms of teenagers experience burnout too, and can benefit from not only listening to this podcast but also reading the book. Burnout has its symptoms and it has its remedies, and Dr. Ziegler is an expert in both. In our podcast, Dr. Ziegler talks about how burnout can affect so many parts of a woman’s life: friendships, partnerships, work, and of course, our kids. The podcast is a great introduction to a book I highly recommend. Dr. Ziegler can be found at www.drsherylziegler.com; and the book at www.mommyburnout.com.