On Attachment

In today's episode, I'm walking you through how to navigate the first 30 days after a breakup in a way that is supportive, grounded, and deeply healing.This initial period can feel overwhelming — full of grief, anxiety, confusion, and emotional swings. And while it's natural to be in survival mode, there are small but powerful ways you can support yourself through this time rather than getting swept up in the chaos.I share a practical roadmap for what to focus on (and what to avoid), so you can move through this chapter with more intention, self-respect, and care.We cover:Why the early days after a breakup can feel so destabilisingThe two common nervous system responses: anxiety and shutdownHow to create a supportive, calming environment for yourselfThe importance of maintaining basic self-care and routinesWhy boundaries (especially no contact) are so importantThe impact of screen time, social media, and ruminationHow to approach this period with intention rather than survival modeBeginning the process of reconnecting with yourself✨ Free break-up training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up

In today's Ask Steph episode, we're talking about how to cope when your ex seems to have moved on soon after your break-up — and is now in a new relationship that appears to be working.This can be an incredibly painful experience, especially if you're still grieving the relationship. It often brings up comparison, self-doubt, and questions like “Was I the problem?”In this episode, I unpack why this situation feels so triggering, what's actually going on beneath the surface, and how to shift out of rumination and back into your own power.We cover: Why seeing your ex move on can feel like “salt in the wound”The different ways anxious and avoidant people process breakupsWhy your ex's behaviour isn't a reflection of your worthThe illusion of their new relationship “working”How new relationship energy can mask underlying patternsThe impact of comparison, rumination, and self-doubtWhy focusing on your ex keeps you stuckHow to set boundaries and reclaim your energyResourcesFor free resources on break-ups and anxious attachment, click here.Check out my break-up course Higher Love here

In today's episode, we're unpacking one of the most common (and confusing) questions for people with anxious attachment: is it me, or is there something genuinely not right in this relationship?When you're used to second-guessing yourself, it can be incredibly hard to know whether your fears and insecurities are coming from your own patterns—or from dynamics that would leave anyone feeling unsafe or unsettled.In this episode, I explore why this question is so difficult to answer, the role of self-doubt and emotional invalidation, and how to find a more grounded, balanced perspective. I also share some clear examples of behaviours that are likely to create insecurity in any relationship, regardless of your attachment style.We cover:Why “is it me or them?” is such a common source of ruminationThe role of self-doubt and self-invalidation in anxious attachmentThe middle ground between dismissing your feelings and being led by themWhy relationship dynamics are almost always co-createdExamples of behaviours that are objectively difficult to build a secure relationship aroundHow inconsistency and unpredictability activate anxious attachment patternsThe importance of zooming out and looking at the big pictureWhen anxiety is a signal of deeper relational misalignmentResourcesFree training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment & Feel Secure in Life and Love

In today's Ask Steph episode, we're exploring a common question: is it ever a good idea to be friends with an ex?While staying connected can sometimes feel comforting after a breakup, it's not always supportive of healing or moving forward.In this episode, I share some key considerations to help you assess whether a friendship is a good idea, or whether it might be keeping you stuck in old patterns, attachment, or hope.We discuss:Why the desire to stay friends after a breakup is so commonWhen friendship with an ex can work—and when it's likely to be harmfulSigns you might still be emotionally attached or holding onto hopeThe role of boundaries, space, and healing after a breakupHow to assess whether a friendship is aligned with your long-term wellbeing

In today's episode, I'm unpacking why I don't give the common advice for anxiously attached people to simply avoid avoidant partners.While it might seem like a straightforward way to protect yourself from painful relationship dynamics, this approach is often overly simplistic — and can actually reinforce the very patterns you're trying to move away from.We explore the nuance that often gets lost in attachment conversations, including why not all avoidant individuals are the same, and how reducing people to labels can limit your capacity to form meaningful, healthy connections.I also share a more grounded and empowering approach to dating — one that centres discernment, self-trust, and clarity around what you truly want and need in a relationship.Explore my website + free resources here.

In this Ask Steph episode, I'm responding to a question I hear more often than you might expect. Someone has done a lot of work on their anxious attachment patterns, they feel more grounded and secure, and now they find themselves with very little interest in dating or relationships.I talk about how this can sometimes be a natural pendulum swing. When you have spent a long time orienting around other people, trying to be chosen, accommodating, and overextending yourself, it makes sense that there would be a period of pulling back. For many people, that space allows for a real sense of peace, self-expression, and reconnection with who they are outside of a relationship.At the same time, I explore how this experience can come from different places. For some, it reflects genuine contentment in their single life. For others, there may still be a protective element underneath it, particularly if being in a relationship has historically meant losing themselves.This episode is about understanding what is actually driving that shift, so you can move forward in a way that is aligned with what you truly want, rather than simply reacting to your past patterns.

In this episode, I'm joined by therapist, bestselling author, and boundaries expert Nedra Glover Tawwab for a powerful conversation on what it really means to have healthy dependency in our relationships.So many of us find ourselves swinging between two extremes — overgiving, people-pleasing, and losing ourselves in others… or shutting down, becoming hyper-independent, and struggling to let anyone in.But what does the middle ground actually look like?Together, we explore the spectrum between codependency and hyper-independence, and how both patterns — while protective — can ultimately leave us feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.This conversation goes beyond romantic relationships. We talk about friendships, family, community, and the importance of having a diverse support system rather than expecting one person to meet all of our needs.We also unpack:Why “healthy dependency” isn't a weakness, but a fundamental human needHow codependency and hyper-independence develop as adaptationsThe role of boundaries in creating sustainable, respectful relationshipsWhy over-focusing on the why behind someone's behaviour can keep us stuckHow to stop over-functioning in relationships and recalibrate your energyThe importance of having multiple sources of connection and supportWhy doing the “uncomfortable thing” is often the path to secure relationshipsNedra shares practical, grounded insights on how to move away from extremes and towards more balanced, flexible, and connected ways of relating.If you've ever struggled with asking for help, felt resentful in relationships, or found yourself stuck in the same relational patterns, this episode will give you a clear and compassionate framework for doing things differently.Connect with Nedra Glover Tawwab:InstagramWebsitePurchase her new book, The Balancing Act

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question about the fine line between personal growth and the endless pursuit of self-improvement.While healing, reflection, and growth are powerful tools, they can sometimes become another way we reinforce the belief that something about us is fundamentally wrong or needs fixing. When that happens, self-development can quietly turn into a hamster wheel driven by shame, perfectionism, or a sense of inadequacy.In this episode, I explore how to recognise when the pursuit of growth is useful and worthwhile —and when it might actually be keeping you stuck.I also share some reflections on why the deeper goal of healing work isn't to endlessly optimise ourselves, but to become more grounded, peaceful, and at home within who we already are.Linksstephanierigg.cominstagram.com/stephanie__rigg

Modern dating can be tough. Between apps, ghosting, and the uncertainty that often comes with meeting strangers outside our social circles, the whole process can be seriously activating — and all the more so for those with anxious attachment patterns.In this episode, I share three key mindset shifts to help you approach dating from a place of self-worth rather than scarcity, pessimism, or the need to be chosen.When you date from a grounded place, the focus shifts from seeking approval to assessing alignment—and that change alone can transform your experience of dating.In this episode, I cover:Why modern dating can be particularly challenging for people with anxious attachmentThe importance of getting clear on your non-negotiables and deal breakers before you start datingWhy tolerating situationships and ambiguous connections keeps you stuckThe difference between scanning for red flags and looking for green flagsHow fear-based dating advice can increase anxiety and erode self-trustWhy cultivating your own vitality and wellbeing changes the energy you bring to datingHow shifting from “please choose me” to “are we aligned?” creates healthier connectionsWhy it's sometimes wise to take a break from dating apps if the process feels drainingLinksFree resources on my website hereRead my blog hereFollow me on Instagram here

In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the listener question: If you were only going to focus on one thing to start healing anxious attachment, what would it be?While there are many layers to this work, the single place I'd start is building self-worth outside of a relationship.For many anxiously attached people, relationships become the primary place where we seek security, validation, and a sense of worth. But when our wellbeing is tied so tightly to another person, it can leave us feeling anxious, reactive, and out of control.In this episode, I talk about why shifting your focus back onto yourself — your growth, your agency, and your sense of self — can be one of the most powerful first steps in healing anxious attachment.Join the waitlist for the Healing Anxious Attachment Birthday Sale here: https://stephanierigg.com/haa-anniversary-sale-waitlist

If you've been putting in the work to heal your anxious attachment but still feel like you're treading water, this episode is for you. In today's episode, I'm sharing what I believe are the three core pillars of healing anxious attachment — and why the sequencing of that work matters just as much as the work itself.Whether you're just starting out or have been on this journey for a while, having a clear roadmap can be genuinely grounding. Lack of effort is rarely the problem for anxiously attached people — it's about making sure that energy is directed where it will have the greatest impact.In this episode, I cover:Why the mindset you bring to this work is the real foundation — and how approaching healing from a place of shame will undermine everything elseUnderstanding your nervous system and building the capacity to self-regulate (hint: it's about much more than crisis management)Identifying and shifting the negative core beliefs and core wounds that shape your relationships — and why real self-worth is built through doing, not just affirmationsCommunication skills, boundary-setting, and voicing your needs — and why starting here without the previous two pillars often falls flatThe common pitfall that keeps so many people stuck, and what to focus on instead

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question I hear often: If I work on my anxious attachment, but my partner doesn't work on their avoidant patterns, can the relationship still work?I unpack why focusing on your side of the street is never a waste of time — even when your partner isn't meeting you there yet. We talk about how healing anxious attachment isn't about fixing the relationship or managing your partner's behaviour, but about building self-regulation, self-trust, and clarity.I also explore the two most common outcomes of doing this work: either your internal shifts create healthier dynamics and positive ripple effects in the relationship, or you reach a grounded place of clarity about what you need and whether this relationship can meet you there. Either way, you don't lose — you gain resources, confidence, and choice.This episode is for anyone who feels stuck waiting for their partner to change and is wondering whether it's worth continuing to do the work alone.

In this episode, we explore one of the most painful dynamics after a breakup: watching your ex seem “fine” while you feel completely unravelled — and the stories that comparison creates. We unpack why anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process breakups so differently, and why those differences don't mean what you think they mean.We look at how anxious attachment often shows up as hyperactivation — intense grief, rumination, urgency, and the need to understand what happened — and how avoidant attachment tends to deactivate under stress, sometimes resulting in relief, distraction, or moving on quickly. We also talk about the timing mismatch that can occur, where one person feels everything immediately and the other processes more slowly (or more superficially).The core takeaway: different coping strategies are not a measure of love, worth, or who cared more. And comparing your internal experience to their outward presentation will only keep you stuck.In this episode, we cover:Why comparison after a breakup fuels suffering for anxious attachersHow hyperactivation and deactivation shape the breakup experienceWhy relief doesn't mean they didn't careThe common “timing mismatch” in anxious–avoidant breakupsHow to shift your focus back to yourself instead of analysing themIf you're going through a breakup, you can register for my free breakup training here.

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener who says they generally feel secure in their relationship — except when their partner travels and is physically away. During those periods, they experience intense separation anxiety, spiralling thoughts, and a sudden sense of insecurity that feels confusing and disproportionate.I talk about why distance and absence can be uniquely activating for anxiously attached nervous systems, even when a relationship is otherwise healthy and secure. We explore how separation can trigger old attachment wounds around abandonment, uncertainty, and loss of felt safety, and ways that you can support yourself both individually and relationally to better handle these challenges.

Attachment theory has become a widely used framework for understanding relationship patterns — but it's often misunderstood, overextended, or treated as a complete explanation for human behaviour.In this episode, I revisit the foundations of attachment theory to clarify what attachment is actually designed to explain, what attachment styles describe, and where the limits of the framework are. This is a back-to-basics conversation intended to bring nuance and accuracy to how we use attachment language — especially in romantic relationships.In this episode, I cover:What attachment styles are really describing: relational stress and our habitual responses to itWhy attachment styles are not fixed, mutually exclusive categories — and how spectrums work in practiceHow attachment patterns are contextually responsive and can shift across different relationshipsWhat attachment theory explains — and what it was never meant to explainHow our attachment blueprint shapes our internal working model, even beyond close relationshipsWhy attachment is best used as a tool, not a totalising explanation for yourself or othersIf you've ever felt confused, boxed in by attachment labels, or frustrated by how attachment theory is used online, this episode offers a clearer and more grounded way of thinking about it.Take my free attachment quiz

In this Ask Steph episode, we explore one of the most common (and understandable) questions in anxious–avoidant dynamics: what actually helps an avoidant partner feel safe enough to open up emotionally?If you tend toward anxious attachment, it can feel deeply unsettling to sense that parts of your partner's inner world are closed off to you. That can create a strong pull to try harder, ask more questions, or push for emotional access — often with the hope that if they open up, it will mean you're finally “enough.”In this episode, we unpack why that instinct can backfire, and what genuinely supports emotional safety instead.

Situationships can feel exciting and full of potential, but over time they often become a source of anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt. In this episode, I explore why situationships are so hard to walk away from — particularly for people with anxious attachment — and why clarity can feel more threatening than staying in something uncertain.We look at how hope, ambiguity, and emotional breadcrumbs keep people invested in connections that aren't actually meeting their needs, and why “waiting to see what happens” is often a form of self-abandonment rather than patience. I also talk about the nervous-system dynamics at play, and how these situations can keep you stuck in a cycle of overthinking, longing, and self-doubt.This episode isn't about forcing commitment or issuing ultimatums. It's about building the self-trust and self-respect required to stop participating in dynamics that keep you in limbo, and learning how to choose relationships that offer consistency, clarity, and emotional safety.

In this Ask Steph episode, I'm answering a listener question about why old feelings can resurface when you re-enter the dating world, and what to do when that catches you off guard.In this episode, we explore:Why missing your ex after a breakup can show up later, not earlierHow dating again brings up fresh comparisons — and why that's so normalThe difference between missing your ex and missing familiarity, comfort, or routineWhy comparing a new connection to a long-term relationship is often distortedHow not to spiral or make meaning out of these feelingsWhat to do instead of panicking or second-guessing your breakupIf you're otherwise excited about someone new and this has thrown you, this episode is a reminder to slow down, stay grounded, and trust that this experience doesn't have to mean anything is wrong.LinksGoing through a break-up? Register for my free breakup training here.If you'd like to submit a question for a future Ask Steph episode, I collect them via my weekly Instagram Q&A — come find me there and drop yours in.

In this episode, we explore the belief that if someone truly loved you, they would have changed — and why this story so often keeps people stuck in self-blame, rescuing, and self-abandonment. We look at the saviour complex, how it develops, and why real change has far more to do with timing and capacity than with how lovable or devoted you are.In this episode, we cover:Why “if they loved me, they would've changed” is such a convincing storyHow the saviour complex shows up in relationshipsThe line between compassion and self-abandonmentWhy people change when they're ready — not when we love harderIf this resonates, you can register for my free training on healing anxious attachment here.

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question that will feel very familiar to anyone with anxious attachment: How can I be certain that my new partner will be better for me than my last one?On the surface, this question makes sense. After being hurt, blindsided, or disappointed in past relationships, of course we want reassurance that it won't happen again. But underneath it, there's often a deeper issue at play — a lack of self-trust, and an anxious belief that it's our job to prevent pain by being hyper-vigilant, prepared, and on guard.In this episode, I unpack why this question, while understandable, can actually keep you stuck in anxiety rather than moving you towards healthier relationships. We explore the difference between discernment and hypervigilance, and why trying to “de-risk” relationships often backfires.Rather than aiming for certainty or guarantees, this conversation invites a shift towards trusting yourself — your capacity to notice, respond, self-advocate, and take care of yourself as relationships unfold.

A secure relationship isn't one where nothing ever goes wrong — it's one where the foundation is strong enough to hold the hard stuff. For many people (especially those with anxious attachment), insecurity doesn't come from being “too sensitive,” but from being in dynamics that lack safety, consistency, or clarity.In this episode, I break down five key qualities that tend to be present in secure relationships, and how they actually feel on a nervous system level.I cover:What emotional safety really looks like (and what it doesn't)Why trust is about reliability and consistency, not just honestyHow secure couples approach conflict and repair after ruptureWhat it means for a relationship to be a secure base rather than a constant projectWhy shared vision and felt commitment are essential for long-term securityWhether you're assessing your current relationship, healing after an insecure one, or wanting to understand what you're moving towards, this episode offers a grounded framework for what relational security is built on — and what helps it endure.Explore my couples course, Secure TogetherFree resources for building secure attachment

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question about wanting more words of affirmation from a partner — but not wanting to feel like you're constantly asking for it. This is a really common tension, especially for people with anxious attachment. On one hand, words of affirmation genuinely matter. On the other, asking for them can feel exposing, needy, or like you're trying to force something that should come naturally.In this episode, I unpack why this dynamic is rarely about someone “withholding” affection, and how the way we ask (or don't ask) can either make it feel safer or riskier for our partner to express verbally.Rather than offering scripts or communication hacks, this conversation focuses on the deeper relational pieces that often get missed — including how we receive affirmation, how defensiveness shuts down vulnerability, and what it means to take responsibility for your needs without self-abandoning.

Break-ups are painful — but often, the way we try to cope with that pain can quietly keep us stuck in it for much longer than necessary.In this episode of On Attachment, I walk through five of the most common ways people unknowingly self-sabotage after a break-up, particularly those with anxious attachment patterns. These behaviours aren't a sign that you're doing healing “wrong.” They're understandable coping strategies that make sense in the context of loss, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm — but they don't always serve us in the long run.Rather than shaming or pushing yourself to “move on faster,” this episode invites you to bring awareness to where your energy is going after a break-up, and how to gently redirect it in ways that actually support healing.In this episode, we explore:Why obsessively replaying the relationship can keep you emotionally tetheredThe belief that you need closure from your ex in order to move onHow romanticising the relationship in hindsight distorts realityWhy comparing your healing to your ex's is a losing gameThe cost of continuing to be each other's emotional support personAt the heart of all of this is a simple but challenging truth: healing after a break-up requires turning towards your own pain, rather than trying to solve, analyse, or bypass it.This episode is for you if you're going through a break-up and feel stuck in rumination, comparison, or hope that's keeping you anchored to the past — and you want a more grounded, self-compassionate way forward.ResourcesClick here to register for my free breakup training

In this Ask Steph episode, I share my perspective on the phrase “if they wanted to, they would” — and why it's sometimes helpful, but often oversimplified.I talk about the difference between basic effort and genuine capacity, and why assuming someone's behaviour always reflects a lack of care or love can miss what's really going on. We explore how attachment patterns, protective strategies, and stress responses shape how people show up in relationships — often in ways that can't be changed through willpower alone.This episode is about shifting the focus from judging someone's intentions to getting clear on your own boundaries, non-negotiables, and whether a relationship works for you as it is — or not.

Few decisions feel as emotionally loaded as deciding whether to keep trying in a relationship or to walk away. There is no universal right answer — and for many people, especially those with anxious attachment, this question can feel endlessly destabilising.In this episode, I share 10 reflective questions designed to support clearer, more grounded decision-making. These questions aren't a checklist or a formula to tell you what to do. They're an invitation to slow down, step out of fear-based urgency, and reconnect with your own values, needs, and capacity.If you've been stuck going back and forth, waiting for certainty, or hoping something will finally make the choice clear for you, this episode offers a compassionate framework to help you find your own way forward.

In this Ask Steph episode, I'm answering a listener question that many people can relate to: drunk texting an ex, waking up full of shame, and not knowing what to do next.I talk about why this happens, especially in the aftermath of a breakup when loneliness, lowered inhibitions, and longing collide — and why beating yourself up afterwards only makes things worse.I explore how to respond in a grounded way, including whether you need to follow up with your ex at all, how to keep it simple if you do, and why the real work isn't undoing the message but making sure you don't end up in the same position again.This episode focuses on creating practical guardrails — around drinking, contact, and temptation — so you're not relying on willpower alone when you're in a tender place. I also talk about how learning from moments like this, rather than spiralling in shame, is a powerful way to rebuild self-trust, self-respect, and self-worth after a breakup.If you're feeling embarrassed or disappointed in yourself right now, you're not alone — and you're not beyond repair. I hope this episode helps you meet yourself with compassion while still supporting yourself to make better choices next time.

Anxious–avoidant relationships are often described as doomed — intense, painful, and inherently incompatible. While these dynamics can certainly be challenging, they're not automatically destined to fail.In this episode, I explore what it actually takes to make an anxious–avoidant relationship work — not through chemistry, hope, or sheer effort, but through three essential, non-negotiable ingredients.I share why these dynamics can become either deeply healing or deeply reinforcing of old wounds, and how safety, responsibility, and discernment determine which way it goes.In this episode, I cover:Why anxious–avoidant relationships can feel both magnetic and destabilisingThe difference between understanding attachment styles and doing the relational workWhy commitment is essential — and how “one foot out the door” undermines safetyThe role of humility in breaking defensive patterns and power strugglesWhy self-awareness isn't enough without nervous system and relational capacityHow to discern whether a relationship can actually support mutual growth and securityThis episode is not about forcing a relationship to work at all costs. It's about honestly assessing whether the conditions required for safety, repair, and growth are present — and whether both partners have the willingness and capacity to do the work.Explore my free resources here

In this Ask Steph episode, I'm answering a listener question about infidelity and whether a fearful-avoidant partner can genuinely change.Rather than asking whether change is possible in theory, this episode focuses on a more important question: how likely is real change, and what should you actually be paying attention to after betrayal?In this episode, I explore:How someone takes responsibility for cheating, and whether their remorse goes beyond guilt or shame.Why understanding why the cheating happened matters more than promises alone.How fearful-avoidant patterns and unresolved shame can drive self-sabotage.What it takes to rebuild trust, including the capacity to stay present with your pain rather than rushing to move on.When repair after infidelity can lead to growth — and when the conditions for real repair may not be there.If you're navigating betrayal, I'm really sorry you're going through that. I hope this episode helps you clarify what to look for and whether meaningful repair is possible.

Letting go of someone you love can feel like the hardest thing you'll ever do — especially if you have anxious attachment patterns. When your nervous system equates connection with safety, walking away can feel more intolerable than staying in pain.In this episode, I explore why letting go is so difficult, and what actually helps when love, attachment, and fear are all tangled together.I talk about:Why anxious attachment makes holding on feel safer than letting goHow we often confuse feelings with instructions for actionWhy waiting to “feel ready” or to stop loving someone keeps us stuckThe crucial distinction between love and compatibilityWhy letting go isn't a feeling — it's a choice you make again and againHow grief, discomfort, and longing are part of the process, not signs you've made a mistakeThis episode is both a pep talk and a reality check — an invitation to trust yourself enough to choose what's right for you, even when it hurts, and even when you still love them.If you're navigating a breakup or struggling to let go, be sure to check out my free breakup training: https://www.stephanierigg.com/break-up-webinar

As the year comes to a close, this episode offers a grounded reflection on what actually creates change — beyond resolutions or waiting to feel ready.This is an invitation to reflect on agency, integrity, and the quiet choices that shape your life over time.⁠⁠Register for the 28-Day Secure Self Challenge here

In this episode, we explore why rejection feels so big — not just in dating and relationships, but across friendships, family, work, and creative life. We look at the evolutionary and attachment roots of rejection sensitivity, and how it creates a confirmation bias that makes neutral situations feel personal.I talk about how the fear of rejection leads us to shrink, stay silent, or hold back from opportunities, creating a self-fulfilling cycle of loneliness and limitation. We also talk about what rejection resilience looks like in practice: separating facts from stories, reality-checking assumptions, taking small risks, and building an internal sense of worth that can withstand a “no.”This is a gentle, grounded invitation to stop rejecting yourself first — and to live more fully, even when rejection is a possibility.

In this episode, we explore the deeper patterns that make emotionally unavailable partners feel so familiar — even when you want something different.Rather than framing this as a personal flaw or something you're “doing wrong,” this conversation explores the deeper emotional and relational patterns that make certain dynamics feel familiar, magnetic, or even safe on a nervous-system level.I walk through five core reasons this dynamic tends to repeat:Low self-worth: When love feels like something you need to earn, you may be drawn to people who require effort.Inconsistent early relationships: If connection was unpredictable growing up, inconsistency can feel like “home.”Hope, potential, and the saviour role: Why focusing on who someone could be keeps you invested long after the relationship stops feeling good.Intermittent reinforcement: How sporadic affection creates an addictive cycle that's hard to break.Your own emotional unavailability: The surprising ways pursuing unavailable people can protect you from deeper vulnerability.This episode offers a compassionate look at why these patterns form — and what it takes to move toward relationships that feel mutual, steady, and emotionally safe.Register for the 28-Day Secure Self Challenge here

In this episode, we explore what it really takes to create meaningful change — especially in those seasons where everything feels hard, familiar patterns keep looping, and no amount of “trying” seems to make a difference. We talk about the inner environment required for real change, and why self-compassion isn't the opposite of accountability — it's the foundation of it.You'll hear about:Why we default to shame when we feel stuckThe myth that self-criticism leads to better behaviourHow shame overwhelms an already stressed nervous systemWhy being on your own team is essential for honest self-reflection

Today's episode is a special one: I'm sharing my own healing story and how I went from anxious and insecure to confident, grounded in my worth, and in a loving partnership. My hope in sharing is that you can see we aren't all that different, and that you feel encouraged to continue on the courageous path of healing.

In today's episode, I'm joined by my friend James “Fish” Gill for a listener Q&A all about conflict, communication, and staying connected through hard moments.We explore some big questions, including:How to release resentment when a conflict is “resolved” but the emotional residue is still sitting in your bodyWhat real repair actually looks like, and why some apologies land while others don'tWhen a relationship swings from explosive conflict to total conflict avoidance — and how to find a healthier middle groundHow to navigate dating when kids are involved, especially when parenting differences trigger deeper fears, jealousy, or old woundsFish and I unpack the relational dynamics underneath these questions and offer compassionate, practical guidance for moving through it with more clarity, honesty, and connection.If you're wanting to deepen your communication, repair more effectively, and understand yourself and your partner in moments of tension, this conversation will be a supportive place to land.

In this special episode of On Attachment, I sit down with my partner Joel to answer your questions about our journey into parenthood with our now 18 month old son. We explore the transition to parenting, how our attachment styles have shaped the experience, and what helps us stay aligned as a couple. The conversation also covers our initial feelings about wanting kids, the surprises and challenges along the way, and the practices that keep us connected and supportive of each other. Join the Black Friday Sale waitlist hereFree ResourcesFree Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up Free Anxious Attachment Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love

So many of us spend our lives orienting around what other people think of us — seeking approval, avoiding disapproval, and constantly scanning for reassurance that we're doing, saying, and being the “right” thing.If you lean towards anxious attachment patterns, this makes perfect sense. The foundation of the anxious attachment pattern is an external orientation — learning to attune to others for safety, validation, and a sense of self. When we've never had a steady internal anchor, other people become our compass.But that comes at a cost. We lose touch with our own truth — our values, our preferences, our intuition — and live our lives by borrowed standards. And the more we outsource our worth, the more fragile it becomes.In this episode, we explore how to shift from being other-referenced to self-referenced:Why anxiously attached people are especially sensitive to others' opinionsHow external orientation keeps us anxious and disconnected from ourselvesWhat it actually means to develop an internal compassPractical steps to build self-trust and integrityHow to tolerate disapproval without collapsing into shameUltimately, caring less about what others think isn't about indifference — it's about self-trust. When you truly respect and stand by yourself, other people's opinions carry less weight. You stop needing to convince anyone of your worth, because you already know it.

One of the most common questions after a break-up is: when will I be ready to start dating again? Sadly, there's no hard and fast rule, no magic timeline, and no moment where you'll suddenly feel 100% confident and never wobble again. Readiness isn't about the calendar — it's about how you're feeling, the work you've done, and the mindset you're bringing with you. In this episode, I'll share:Signs you may not be ready yet (like still being in the thick of grief, rumination, or longing for your ex)Signs you might be moving toward readiness (like curiosity about meeting someone new and clarity around your standards and patterns)How to approach dating again with intention and self-compassionWhy dating itself can stir up new layers of grief — and how that doesn't mean you've failed or gone backwardsIf you've been wondering whether to dip your toes back in the dating pool, this episode will help you manage your expectations, recognise where you're at, and approach the process in a way that feels grounded and intentional.Highlighted Links Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love Additional Resources Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here Join my email list

When a relationship ends, it's natural to crave closure. We want answers, explanations, or one last conversation that will tie everything up neatly and help us move on. But the reality is, closure rarely comes from someone else — it's something we have to create for ourselves.In this episode, I share some hard but freeing truths about closure:Why the relationships that leave us most desperate for closure are usually the ones least likely to give itHow the idea of a “closure conversation” can sometimes be a hidden way of keeping the door openWhy even when we get answers, they rarely soothe us in the way we hopeThe difference between chasing closure from someone else versus cultivating it within yourselfPractical ways to create your own sense of closure and peaceIf you've been waiting for that message, that explanation, or that final conversation to make things better, this episode will help you see closure differently — and take back your power to move forward.Highlighted Links Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love Additional Resources Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here Join my email list

So often, we're drawn to the work of healing our relational wounds because of challenges in our relationship. A partner's behaviour, or the dynamic between us, shines a light on our pain points and shows us where our work might be. But this can raise a difficult question: if we're still being triggered or activated within that very relationship, is healing actually possible?In this episode, I explore the nuance of this dilemma. We'll cover:Why triggers aren't necessarily a bad thing — and how they can point us toward the deeper wounds that need healing.The difference between growth edges that stretch us and dynamics that keep us constantly dysregulated.Signs you can do the work of healing within a relationship, and when the relationship itself may be keeping you stuck.How to find the middle ground: using relational challenges as invitations into greater self-awareness, without normalising constant pain or struggle.Relationships will always bring moments of discomfort — that's the nature of intimacy and vulnerability. But there's an important distinction between the kind of challenge that supports healing, and the kind that prevents it. This episode will help you reflect on where your relationship sits, and what you need in order to move forward in your healing journey.Highlighted Links Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love Additional Resources Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here Join my email list

When you're anxiously attached, it's easy to fixate on red flags and warning signs — scanning for danger in the early stages of dating. But if you're always looking for what's wrong, you might miss the important signs that you're with someone who's actually safe, caring, and aligned with you.In this episode, we shift the focus to green flags — the encouraging behaviours and feelings that can help you recognise when a connection has potential. You'll learn why these signs matter, how they can soothe an anxious system, and how to pay attention to the way you feel in someone's presence.We'll explore:Why paying attention to how you feel around someone can be more telling than analysing their every moveThe importance of being remembered and feeling genuinely seenSigns of sincerity, effort, and sustained interest (and how they differ from love-bombing)The role of humour, playfulness, and ease in creating a healthy connectionIf you're ready to reframe your approach to dating and start recognising when something is right for you, this episode will help you spot the cues that matter most.Highlighted Links Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love Additional Resources Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here Join my email list

Fear of infidelity can be one of the most overwhelming and destabilising experiences for someone with anxious attachment. Even when there's no evidence a partner is being unfaithful, the possibility alone can trigger deep anxiety, hypervigilance, and constant worry.In this episode, we explore why anxiously attached people often fear cheating so much, even in the absence of proof. We'll look at the core wounds and nervous system patterns that fuel this fear, the role of past relationship and childhood experiences, and how certain dynamics—especially with avoidant partners—can make these fears even more intense.We'll also unpack the ways fear of cheating can show up in a relationship, the problems with trying to “prevent” it through control or monitoring, and practical steps to move towards a more secure, trusting dynamic.If this is something you've struggled with, this conversation will help you understand what's happening beneath the surface and give you tools to respond in a way that's calmer, clearer, and more grounded.You'll learn:The connection between anxious attachment and fear of infidelityHow past betrayal or early life experiences can amplify the fearWhy anxious-avoidant relationships can trigger cheating anxietyHow hypervigilance and reassurance-seeking can harm trustTools for building self-trust and relationship security

If you've ever felt calm and confident when you're single, only to find yourself spiralling into anxiety the moment you start dating, there's a good reason for it.In this episode, I share why this shift happens — and why it's completely normal if you have an anxious attachment style. Attachment patterns are relational, which means they tend to lie dormant when we're on our own. But as soon as we have something (or someone) at stake, we feel more vulnerable. The more we care, the more our protective strategies kick in — sometimes in big, overwhelming ways.This episode is a reassuring reminder that there's nothing “wrong” with you for feeling this way — it's simply your nervous system doing its job in trying to keep you safe when things start to feel risky. 

Understanding your nervous system is one of the most powerful tools you have for creating secure, connected relationships. But too often we approach it as a one-size-fits-all formula, rather than honouring the unique way our individual nervous systems work.In this episode, I'm joined by parenting expert and author Alyssa Blask Campbell to explore how tuning into your nervous system can make you a better partner and parent. Alyssa shares insights from her work on emotional development in children and explains why knowing your own system is just as important for the adults in the room.We talk about:Why nervous system awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligenceHow your unique nervous system traits shape your relationships and parentingPractical ways to move from reactivity to grounded presenceHow understanding your system allows you to show up with more compassion, patience, and connectionIf you've ever felt like the standard advice on regulation doesn't quite work for you, this conversation will give you permission to explore what does — so you can build stronger, more attuned relationships at home and beyond.Connect with AlyssaInstagram: @seed.and.sewPurchase Alyssa's books hereTake the free quiz on your unique nervous system hereHighlighted Links Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love Additional Resources Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here Join my email list

When a relationship ends without warning, it's common to feel blindsided, confused, and deeply hurt. This is often labelled the “avoidant discard” — but while that term might feel validating in the moment, it can also keep you stuck in a disempowering story.In this episode, we'll talk about how to process a sudden ending in a way that honours your pain without leaving you tethered to it. We'll explore:Why shock and lack of closure can intensify heartbreakThe difference between feeling discarded and being discardedHow villain/victim narratives can hold you back from real healingThe impact of online echo chambers on your recoveryPractical steps to reclaim your agency and move forwardThis isn't about minimising what you've been through. It's about finding a more grounded, self-responsible way to engage with what happened — so you can process it fully, integrate the lessons, and step into your next chapter with clarity and self-respect.Highlighted Links Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love London Event: tickets here Additional Resources Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here Join my email list

Ever look back at your dating history and realise you've basically been in the same relationship over and over again — just with different people? Maybe you thought you'd learned the lessons, yet somehow the same dynamics keep playing out.In this episode, we're unpacking why these patterns form, why they feel so hard to break, and how you can start shifting them. We'll explore how your early experiences shape an unconscious “blueprint” for love, how your nervous system pulls you toward what feels familiar (even when it's not healthy), and the beliefs that keep certain dynamics on repeat.I'll walk you through a process for spotting your own relational through-lines, interrupting the cycle, and expanding your capacity for the kind of steady, reciprocal love you deserve.Whether you're in the thick of another “same story, different person” relationship or reflecting on past patterns, this episode will give you clarity, compassion, and practical steps to move toward something different.Highlighted Links Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love London Event: tickets here Additional Resources Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here Join my email list

If you struggle with a harsh inner critic — whether it shows up as perfectionism, relentless self-judgment, or shame about the past — this episode is for you. We're unpacking the roots of that punitive inner voice, how it tries to keep us safe, and the real cost it can have on our self-worth, our nervous system, and our ability to grow. We'll also explore what it looks like to relate to ourselves differently: to meet our inner critic with compassion rather than fear, and to begin the process of forgiving ourselves for the things we wish we'd done differently.In this episode, we'll cover:The role of the inner critic and what it's really trying to doWhy punishing yourself doesn't lead to growth (and what does)Why self-forgiveness can be so difficultHow to hold responsibility without collapsing into shamePractical ways to begin softening your inner critic and making peace with your pastHighlighted Links Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love London Event: tickets here Additional Resources Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here Join my email list

We don't often talk about how attachment dynamics play out in friendships — but if you've ever felt anxious, hurt, or overly invested in a friend who seemed to be pulling away, you'll know just how triggering these relationships can be.While attachment theory was originally developed to explain the infant-caregiver bond and later applied to romantic relationships, many of the same fears, patterns, and protective strategies show up in our platonic relationships too — especially when they carry emotional significance.In this episode, we're exploring how different attachment styles can impact the way we relate to our friends, why friendship ruptures can feel just as painful (if not more so) than romantic ones, and how to navigate these dynamics with more clarity, compassion, and self-respect.Highlighted Links Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love London Event: tickets here Additional Resources Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here Join my email list

If you're someone with anxious attachment patterns, the ending of a relationship can bring up some of your deepest wounds: feelings of abandonment, not being enough, being too much, or fears that you'll never find love again.In today's episode, I'm offering a more grounded, intentional path through heartbreak — one that doesn't rely on ruminating, obsessing, or waiting for closure from someone else. We're talking about how to actually heal from a breakup, rather than just surviving it.I'll walk you through:Why grieving fully is essential (and how we often mistake rumination for grief)The stories we tell ourselves post-breakup, and how they shape our sufferingHow to find closure within yourself, instead of waiting for your ex to give it to youWhat it means to really learn the lessons of a breakupWhy getting clear on what you want in future relationships is one of the most powerful things you can do before moving onWhether your breakup was recent or something you still carry with you, my hope is that this episode supports you in finding your way back to yourself — with clarity, compassion, and courage.Highlighted Links Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love Additional Resources Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here Join my email list

So many of us struggle with the idea of self-love. For me, and for many others, it can feel vague, aspirational, or simply out of reach. But what if, instead of trying to love ourselves, we focused on becoming someone we actually like?In today's episode, I'm sharing five practical and tangible ways to do just that. This is about taking honest, grounded steps that help you build real self-respect, pride, and internal alignment. Whether you're feeling disconnected from yourself, stuck in self-judgment, or just wanting to feel better in your own skin, this episode is for you.We'll explore:How to identify where you're out of alignment with your valuesWhy following through on your boundaries builds self-trustThe importance of noticing who or what brings out the worst in youWhy prioritising your wellbeing is essentialWhy you should seek out opportunities to make yourself proudHighlighted Links Free Break-Up Training: The Top 3 Mistakes Keeping You Stuck After a Break-Up How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love Additional Resources Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here Join my email list

In this episode, I'm joined by educator, speaker, and author Lael Stone to explore the powerful role that early imprints play in shaping the stories we carry — about ourselves, others, and the world around us.We dive into how our earliest experiences — especially within our family system — inform the narratives we unconsciously live by. We talk about what it means to bring those stories into conscious awareness, and how to begin rewriting the ones that no longer serve us.Whether you're deep in your healing journey or just beginning to explore your inner world, this conversation is a reminder that we're not defined by our past — and that we have the power to tell a new story.Connect with Lael StoneInstagram: @laelstoneWebsite: laelstone.com.auPurchase Lael's new book, Own Your StoryHighlighted Links New Free Break-Up Training: The Top 3 Mistakes Keeping You Stuck After a Break-Up How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love Buy tickets - London Event Additional Resources Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here Join my email list