Podcasts about stanford forgiveness project

Discover the profound insights of Dr. Frederic Luskin, renowned psychologist and director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, as he unpacks the powerful role forgiveness plays in our lives. Alongside him, Episcopal priest Lyndon Harris shares his compelling journey of healing after the 9/11 tragedy, illustrating the transformative power of forgiveness. Together, they share personal narratives and professional insights that highlight forgiveness as a vital skill for mental and emotional well-being. Our conversation dives deep into the complex dynamics between forgiveness and survival. We explore how anger can initially serve as a source of empowerment but often becomes a restrictive force that holds us back. By recognizing forgiveness as a skill that can be taught and honed over time, supported by extensive research, we reveal how it can shift individuals from a victim mindset to a more empowered life story. This episode sheds light on how forgiveness, though not a moral directive, is an essential component of self-care that can be developed to improve our capacity for compassion and authentic living. In this episode, you will hear: Exploration of forgiveness as a vital skill for mental and emotional well-being Discussion on the complex relationship between anger, empowerment, and forgiveness Emphasis on forgiveness as a teachable skill, supported by academic research The role of gratitude and self-forgiveness in the healing process Practical tools and advice for overcoming resentment and embracing compassion Follow and Review: We'd love for you to follow us if you haven't yet. Click that purple '+' in the top right corner of your Apple Podcasts app. We'd love it even more if you could drop a review or 5-star rating over on Apple Podcasts. Simply select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” then a quick line with your favorite part of the episode. It only takes a second and it helps spread the word about the podcast. Supporting Resources: The Art of Forgiveness- Frederic Luskin, Ph.D The Forgive for Good Recovery Workbook TedTalk - Lyndon Harris NovusMindfulLife.com Episode Credits If you like this podcast and are thinking of creating your own, consider talking to my producer, Emerald City Productions. They helped me grow and produce the podcast you are listening to right now. Find out more at https://emeraldcitypro.com Let them know we sent you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE PDF HERE TO START DE-STRESSING YOUR LIFE! https://emotionsinharmony.ck.page/3be65c0248  Granting forgiveness, either to yourself or someone else, can be a way to let go of anger and resentment. However, a big misunderstanding about forgiveness is that once you forgive someone you have to reconcile with them even if they wronged or hurt you, but this is not necessarily the truth. Granting forgiveness serves as a benefit to your mental health, and it is perfectly okay to keep the memory of what happened to learn and create plans of self-protection for the future, while still letting go of the anger and hurt, which will help you to maintain your mental health. In this special episode of Emotions in Harmony, Dr. Carmen Román talks with the renowned expert on forgiveness, Dr. Fred Luskin, author and director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project. Together, they address the transformative power of forgiveness as a key tool to heal emotional wounds, improve relationships, and find inner peace. Forgiveness is not just an act toward others but a gift we give to ourselves. Throughout this episode, we explore: * What forgiveness really is—and what it is not. * Common myths about forgiveness that prevent us from moving forward. * The emotional, physical, and psychological benefits of practicing forgiveness. * How forgiveness helps us free ourselves from resentment and accumulated pain. What you will learn in this episode: * How to differentiate forgiveness from reconciliation. * Why forgiveness is essential for our mental health and well-being. This episode is an invitation to reflect on the impact that resentment and the lack of forgiveness have on our lives, and how we can free ourselves to live with greater peace and emotional harmony. Connect with Dr. Fred Luskin https://fredluskin.com Let's stay connected! Subscribe to the Newsletter: https://www.emotionsinharmony.org/newsletter Visit our website and check out our services: https://www.emotionsinharmony.org Find us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/EmotionsinHarmony Meditate with me: https://insighttimer.com/carmenroman Join us on Telegram: https://t.me/EmotionsinHarmony Do you want to be our sponsor? Email us at info@emotionsinharmony.org

Here comes a really challenging topic: forgiveness! Suze and Jenni look at what forgiveness isn't and what gets in the way of forgiving, including looking at resentment. In their usual fashion, Jenni and Suze look to Merriam-Webster's current and 1828 to define forgiveness. They learned about the 9 steps of forgiveness from Dr. Frederic Luskin of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, which they have adapted in a handout so they, and all you Maxers out there, can become more comfortable and skilled at forgiving! Please go to www.insightmaximizers.com/handouts to download the handout so you too can do the next Maxer Method! The Maxers Community Facebook group continues to grow! Consider joining this private group for fellow insight seekers to give and receive insights. Join us in changing how we do events. We're shifting our focus from the external things to preparing ourselves from within for handling whatever comes our way. Join us at https://www.facebook.com/groups/524983982549427.  Suze Gadol Anderson lives in Eugene, Oregon. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, practicing in Texas and Oregon. Request a free consult to work with Suze at https://www.authenticinsights.com.   Jenni Hubby is a Certified Professional Coach with a team of coaches in Texas, who works with people all across the United States. To schedule a free consult for coaching, visit https://www.jhubconsulting.com/.  Find previous episodes and more about Suze and Jenni at http://www.insightmaximizers.com. Contact Jenni and Suze at Maxers@InsightMaximizers.com Join Insight Maximizers' Community: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/InsightMaximizers Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/insightmaximizers/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/insightmaximizers

Hey! On today's ep I'm interviewing Fred Luskin. Fred Luskin, Ph.D. is the author of Forgive for Good and one of the world's leading researchers and teachers on the subject of forgiveness. He is the director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, a series of research projects that investigate forgiveness methods. We talk about the impact of forgiveness on mental health, the importance of setting boundaries and challenging unenforceable rules, the need for gratitude and positive intention in the forgiveness process. RECCS OF THE WEEK ✨ Fred's book Forgive for Good ✨ Fred's book Forgive for Love ✨ How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable about Anything ✨ The Intention App: Train Your Brain For Happiness | The Ultimate Guide to Stop Overthinking (Part One) SHOP ✨ The Intention App - Manage Your Mind to Create a Life That Feels Good ⇢ ⁠https://www.theintentionapp.com/⁠ ✨ The Life Map - Part eBook, part digital workbook. Use The Life Map (2.0) to create your most incredible year yet ⇢ https://www.muchelleb.com.au/the-life-map CONNECT WITH ME

Forgiveness is a virtue strongly recommended in the Qur'an and practiced by believers. It is the best way to ensure peace of heart, mind and body, and to lead a healthy and happy life. Allah commands that we should forgive those who have wronged us, as He will forgive us when we seek His forgiveness.Forgiveness is essential to a healthy life, both physically and psychologically. Studies have found that religious people are less prone to depression, stress, and mental illness due to forgiveness being encouraged by their faith. Anger, however, has been scientifically linked to a higher risk of heart disease, increased production of inflammatory proteins, and a greater chance of heart attack. Harvard Gazette and The Times have both published articles that further support this notion. Forgiveness is a positive virtue that eliminates the physical and psychological effects of anger and is pleasing to Allah. Notes: 73. Jennifer Desai, "Stanford Forgiveness Project's Dr. Frederic Luskin studies why learning to forgive might be good for the body as well as the soul," Almanac, June 9, 1999; www.almanacnews.com/morgue/1999/1999_06_09.forgive.html 74. Ibid. 75. Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., "Forgiveness," Healing Currents Magazine, September-October 1996; www.stanford.edu/~alexsox/4_steps_to_forgiveness.htm 76. Ibid. 77. Claudia Kalb, "Faith & Healing," Newsweek, November 10, 2003; http://msnbc.msn.com/id/3339654/site/newsweek 78. William J. Cromie, "Anger is Hostile to Your Heart," Harvard Gazette; www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1996/11.07/AngerisHostileT.html 79. Ibid. 80. Peter Lavelle, "Anger trigger to heart disease found?," ABC Science Online, August 5, 2003; www.abc.net.au/science/news/stories/s915243.htm 81. Ibid. 82. Ibid. 83. Mark Henderson, "Anger Raises Risk of Heart Attack," The Times, London, April 24, 2002; www.rense.com/general24/anger.htm 84. Ibid.

World-renowned social scientist, best-selling author of "Forgive for Good," and director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, Dr. Fred Luskin recognizes why forgiveness is so "unpopular." It takes hard work, intentional practice, and deep vulnerability.  Grudge-holding may feel more justified, but it only makes us sick. In his seminal "Forgive for Good" workshop and class series, which he has presented around the world, Dr. Luskin takes people through his forgiveness training methodology that's been validated through six successful research studies conducted through the Stanford Forgiveness Projects. Workshop participants learn to move from hurt to hope as they learn how to release grudges and free themselves from grievance.  Through his research at Stanford University, over the past 25 years, Dr. Luskin has confirmed that forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt, depression and stress and lead to greater feelings of optimism, hope, compassion and self confidence. Dr. Luskin holds a Ph.D. in Counseling and Health Psychology from Stanford University. He continues to serve as Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Projects, an ongoing series of workshops and research projects that investigate the effectiveness of his forgiveness methods on a variety of populations. The forgiveness project has successfully explored forgiveness therapy with people who suffered from the violence in Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone as well as the attacks on the World Trade Center on 9/11.  In addition his work has been successfully applied and researched in corporate, medical, legal and religious settings. He currently serves as a Senior Consultant in Health Promotion at Stanford University and is a Professor at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology. Website:  https://learningtoforgive.com/Dr. Luskin's books: https://learningtoforgive.com/tools/

Forgiveness has been defined in many ways by many traditions. However, a powerful and clinically relevant way of defining forgiveness is as a suite of skills that can be learned to promote a sense of self-efficacy, emotional effectiveness, physical and emotional well-being & resolution of grieving in the aftermath of betrayal, wrongdoings and even trauma. In this episode with author, teacher, and clinician Dr. Fred Luskin, we discuss the clinical and practical implementation of his forgiveness model as outlined in his best-selling book Forgive For Good. In this conversation we review:the Forgive for Good definition of forgivenessthe preconditions of forgiveness, including grievinghow & when a grievance has formed and when this becomes a barrier to moving forwardforgiveness as a strategy for resolving complicated griefthe definition and application of the concept of "unenforceable rules"the definition and application of the concept of the "personal and impersonal pain" dialectic and how this concept is critical to conceptualizing our hurts caveats and considerations around forgiveness in the context of traumaa brief consideration of the role of forgiveness in helping address clinician burnout/compassion fatigue.Fred Luskin, Ph.D. is Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, an ongoing series of workshops and research projects that investigate the effectiveness of his forgiveness methods on a variety of populations. The forgiveness project has successfully explored forgiveness therapy with people who suffered from the violence in Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone as well as the attacks on the World Trade Center on 9/11. In addition his work has been successfully applied and researched in corporate, medical, legal and religious settings. He currently serves as a Senior Consultant in Health Promotion at Stanford University and is a Professor at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology. He presents lectures, workshops, seminars and training on the importance, health benefits and training of forgiveness, stress management and emotional competence throughout the United States. He is the author of Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness and Stress Free for Good: Ten Proven Life Skills for Health and Happiness with co-author Kenneth Pelletier, Ph.D.https://learningtoforgive.com/

Have you ever tried for forgive someone and wondered if you'd actually done it right? Our guest for this special episode is the Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, Dr. Fred Luskin. His book, Forgive For Good, changed JJ's husband's life when he read it in 2011. We hope our conversation provides you with tools and skills you can use for the rest of your life. www.learningtoforgive.com www.jjheller.com/podcast

There are lots of misconceptions about forgiveness. What is it and what is it not? Why is forgiveness an important skill and how do we get good at it? And what if we believe we can't or don't want to forgive? These, and many other questions, will be fielded by one of the world's leading experts in the study and the science of forgiveness. Dr. Frederic Luskin (https://learningtoforgive.com/about/) is a clinical psychologist and the Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project at Stanford University where he also lectures at its School of Medicine. Fred is also the author of a best-selling book called “Forgive for Good,” which was heralded by Publisher's Weekly as a “solidly researched and convincing guide,” and he teaches forgiveness all over the world. Fred has taught forgiveness in places as diverse as Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, as well as New York City after the attacks on the World Trade Center on 9/11. So, join Fred and me as we have a lively and informative conversation about how to forgive and what's in it for you if you do.

Today we’re talking to Dr. Fred Luskin, who founded and currently serves as Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects. Fred is also a senior consultant in Health Promotion and Wellness at Stanford University’s health center, where he teaches classes on positive psychology, the art and science of meditation, forgiveness, wellness, flourishing, and the psychology of storytelling to undergraduate and graduate students, and conducts numerous workshops and staff development trainings in relationship enhancement, stress management, and positive psychology through the Stanford Be Well program. He’s the author of several best-selling books, including Forgive For Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, and has been interviewed by mere outlets around the world. In this episode, we discuss how forgiveness can help to improve our wellbeing, grit and psychological safety at work. Connect with Fred: Website:  https://learningtoforgive.com/ You’ll Learn: [02:02] - Fred explains the value of forgiveness in workplaces. [02:51] - Fred shares how the Stanford Forgiveness Project has helped to improve forgiveness in workplaces. [04:48] - Fred outline why it can be hard to forgive others at work. [06:41] - Fred explains the two practices that work best when it comes to improving our ability to forgive at work. [09:08] - Fred outlines the H.E.A.L method for forgiveness. [12:13] - Fred explains how forgiveness can impact our levels of grit and resilience. [13:08] - Fred shares how forgiveness shapes our relationships at work. [16:20] - Fred explores how important it is for us to be able to forgive ourselves. [17:30] - Fred shares his thoughts on the intersection of forgiveness and psychological safety. [18:20] - Fred explains how we can intelligently forgive at work so we don’t get taken advantage of. [20:12] - Fred shares some of the bottom-line outcomes he has found in workplaces who teach the skills of forgiveness. [21:43] - Fred completes the lightning round. Your Resources: MPPW Podcast on Facebook 8 Minute Meditation by Victor Davich Forgive for Good by Fred Luskin Thanks for listening! Thanks so much for joining me again this week.  If you enjoyed this episode, please share it using the social media buttons you see at the bottom of this post. Please leave an honest review for the Making Positive Psychology Work Podcast on iTunes. Ratings and reviews are extremely helpful and greatly appreciated. They do matter in the rankings of the show, and I read each and every one of them.  And don’t forget to subscribe to the show on iTunes to get automatic updates. It’s free! You can also listen to all the episodes of Making Positive Psychology Work streamed directly to your smartphone or iPad through stitcher. No need for downloading or syncing. Until next time, take care!  Thank you Fred!

Invoking forgiveness through music * Caroline welcomes Donatella Moltisanti, gifted healer with a music conservatory degree in opera performance and teaching, and Dr. Frederic Luskin, leading explorations into forgiveness therapy.  Donatella Moltisanti is the founder of Moltisanti Soul Healing method, a six-step process that helps individuals access their core being, let go of residue from trauma, and express themselves authentically. At the core of this work are the Moltisanti Soul Singing method, a music-based healing that fuses classical opera, sacred Eastern music, and improvised vocalization, and the Moltisanti Conscious Breathing method, a tool for awakening the body and becoming both spiritually aligned and emotionally grounded, by mastering the breath. Through her wellness company, VitalitySoul, Donatella teaches these methods and additionally offers group programs, international retreats, and private sessions. To this end, she has been interviewed by top media worldwide, including Women's Health in the US and Top Sante in the UK, and has worked with A-list celebrities, Fortune 50 executives, elite athletes, and everyday people – bringing her innovative work to those in need worldwide, on a mission to help heal humanity, one soul at a time. Moltisanti Soul Singing is Donatella's debut CD and reflects the culmination of 30 years of her work. Donatella can be found at donatellamoltisanti.com and Dr. Fred Luskin, PhD, is a Senior Consultant in Health Promotion at Stanford University, is a Professor at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, and is the Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project – an ongoing series of workshops and research projects that investigate the effectiveness of his forgiveness methods on a variety of populations. Dr. Luskin presents lectures, workshops, seminars, and trainings on the importance and health benefits of forgiveness, stress management, and emotional competence. His work has helped those who suffered from the violence in Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, and the World Trade Center on 9/11, and additionally has been effective in corporate, medical, legal, and religious settings. Dr. Luskin has been featured in top national media including Oprah, Health, and Cosmopolitan, and in top local media including The San Francisco Chronicle, ABC 7 News, and KQED. Dr. Luskin can be found at learningtoforgive.com The post The Visionary Activist Show – Music of the Spheres appeared first on KPFA.

Forgiveness is a monumental practice because it really guides a lot of what you believe in your life -about the world, love, relationships and also yourself. I’ve said this before but truly the reason to forgive is for you: because it’s kind of like being stabbed and then keeping that knife in your body. Forgiveness is something only you can decide you are ready to do, but it’s also something only appropriate in certain situations. It comes from a pure and genuine goal created for the right reasons, with all the practical information at hand. For example, you might want to forgive your ex for breaking your heart, but you can’t force that until you are ready to accept and move on. Another example of a situation that might be best left for processing but not forgiveness – is chronic abuse. This is a situation when we are likely to blame ourselves – so it’s really vital to lean into anger and claim that blame. When it comes to other deep wounds, when we prematurely choose to forgive it’s often because some part of us wants to skip over the pain of confrontation – looking at how bad we really hurt. When we want to forgive because the emotions associated with a certain event bring us BELOW the level of who we know we are, that is a mature and profound decision – one made from your highest self. This is something we all get to choose: basically, to align ourselves with who we know we are. What I want to do with this episode is really pose that invitation in a way that might get you closer to the reality of processing or forgiving – or knowing where you need to place a hurt from your past. References: Triumph of Heart http://amzn.to/2pt308G The science of forgiveness http://www.salon.com/2015/08/24/the_science_of_forgiveness_when_you_dont_forgive_you_release_all_the_chemicals_of_the_stress_response/ Haven’t read this myself but this is by the guy who heads up the Stanford Forgiveness Project which does a lot of good research. http://amzn.to/2qZy5Tt

What does it mean to forgive, and is there a way to do it that truly works? Why is it essential to practice forgiveness in your life, especially in your relationship? And how does the practice of forgiveness change when it’s something BIG you’re trying to forgive, vs. the everyday things? Did you even know that forgiveness can help you get through the everyday ups and downs of life with your partner? In relationship, it’s inevitable - big, or small, one of you is going to hurt the other. So then, the question is: what do you do? HOW do you repair, and find your way to forgiveness. In today’s episode, we’re going to explore the topic of Forgiveness with one of the world’s experts on the topic, Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, and author of the books “Forgive For Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship” and “Forgive for Good” - which are both eye-opening journeys into how the process of forgiveness works in the context of life and love. Fred Luskin has worked with couples, and has also worked with people from war-torn countries - so his forgiveness methodology covers a wide range of the human experience. When we talk about forgiveness- is it necessary to have someone on the other end who is saying they’re sorry? It certainly is easier when we can directly respond to someone offering us an apology, however this is often not the case. Either that person does not believe they did something wrong, they are no longer in our life, or they are incapable for some reason or another. The crux of forgiveness is when you wanted a certain outcome but that outcome did not occur. Forgiveness is about making peace when you don’t get what you want - and about how you reconcile your desire for something with the reality that it did not happen. Practicing forgiveness: For most of us, true forgiveness, the deep acceptance form (rather than the ‘sorry’ and ‘it’s okay’) is challenging! People don't want to forgive, and often don’t know how. It requires an acceptance that the relationship matters more and that owning one’s own weaknesses matters more than whatever grudge you are holding. This is difficult for our egos to accept. It is a a releasing of focusing on our own hurt, and a switch to being able to say ‘you might have harmed me but I am going to release that image of you as someone who does harm’. It is hard to battle away the power of our self-absorption, for many of us this has become a great defense strategy, but you will find that your life and your relationships are more successful when you do make the shift. Temporary grief is necessary. It is easy to be caught in the habit of wanting to stay in the hurt and the blame, versus choosing to do whatever it takes to release that feeling. It is not just that it is a habit - there are good reasons to feel the hurt, initially. Grief is a necessary experience - that moment of really feeling that thing you didn't get that you wanted or needed. When you don’t get the love you wanted, OUCH. It is hard. The struggle, however, helps shed light on our desires, stuck places, expectations, and opens our awareness. That said, this period of hurting is not necessarily bad - it can be necessary to experience grief, on some level, in order to grow! Choose to grow. Grief becomes negative when it becomes chronic. This is often caused by being stuck in an inept or unuseful schema of how life should be. Throughout your entire life you have a choice on how you are going to move on from hurt - are you going to use this as a chance to grow, or as a chance to remain bitter? Creating new ways of thinking about things: The understanding of what happened requires creating some new cognitive schemas around events. For example, instead of the thought ‘they owed me’, a new schema could be ‘I don’t always get what i want’. In order to have adult relationships we have to accept that we are all flawed human beings. It is important to grow out of our immature and young schemas that hold that we should get everything we want. These old schemas can be replaced- it just takes time! Thanks to neuroplasticity our brains themselves change as we change these long held stories and beliefs. The process of forgiving does not depend on what you are forgiving! The easiest way to practice forgiveness is to practice on the little things. If you want to become more forgiving in your relationship(s), you can choose minor things that your partner does that you don’t like as a way to develop your skills. This way, when the bigger things come you have already developed the skills and created the brain pathways that you are going to use! We need these new pathways to help us handle disappointment - work towards building this ‘muscle’. Moving away from blame. In order to move out of the grudge and blame cycle it is essential to shift your perspective from THEM to YOU. You have to take responsibility for your own part and your own life. It is not always about finding out what you did wrong, but rather about taking responsibility by saying “my nervous system, my moods, my brain, these are all up to me and not that other person!” Even though your partner sends out a lot of information and stimulus that can be frustrating and triggering, you are responsible for knowing how to handle yourself and your life. This sense of efficacy in handling yourself is what forgiveness helps lead us towards. If you do not practice this shift in perspective than you suffer due to constant fear of what others can do to you. Reframing really traumatic and difficult experiences: While it may seem counterintuitive at first, when it comes to the more damaging and traumatic experiences in our lives, the most helpful thing we can do for ourselves is to reframe our hurt in the context of all humanity’s wounding. Devastation and hurt are ubiquitous on planet earth, and it may be one of the aspects of being human that we have to struggle with. Be careful not to exaggerate your experience by seeing it as unusual - yes, your individual wounding may feel distinct, but reframe it within the context of the amount of human suffering. Focusing in on the uniqueness of our specific hurt can cause incredible extra suffering. By reframing your suffering in the greater sense of human suffering it is possible to feel connected to a greater universal truth and power. From here you can more easily access a sense that change and obstacles are a part of life. The question then becomes, given that suffering is part of life, am I going to, in my present life, let these things have power over me and control my life? You have the choice on how strong and capable you want to be when it comes to your own hurt. Blame, in the context of love: Much of the reason that couples blow up is due to the fact that everyone has been hurt, and everyone has a lot of anger, and we are all looking for places to put this anger. When we find something wrong with our partner, part of us focuses on this so that we can channel the bigness of our frustration that existed - long before we had a partner! Their mistakes and flaws become a place to blame so that we do not have to directly address our deeper dissatisfactions - in other words, our partners actions become ammunition we use to protect ourselves from our own disappointments. To break this cycle we have to choose to be a loving person, even in the midst of hurt. We have to look at our own flaws simultaneously. It is not a matter of “how am I, perfect and whole, going to deal with this broken person?”. No, the question instead is: how do two flawed humans get along? This question moves you away from blame, and out of the victim cycle of someone doing something to you, and moves you towards the true creative challenge of figuring out how two people trying to work with their own weakness can learn to love each other! You cannot actually push forgiveness - you can sneak around to it though! Forgiveness lives in the part of the brain we have access to when we are calm and centered. It is a natural response to life, but you have to cultivate conditions to bring out that natural response! The 4 practices towards forgiveness: Calm yourself!  Quiet down, relax and do practices that are gentle and calming to your nervous system. The adrenalized brain is going to make everything worse… taking care of it is primary to the process of forgiveness. Find good! See the good in whatever it is you are dealing with and in your life so that you do not exaggerate the negative. Cognitive reframing. Help yourself understand that ‘hey! It is a given that at some level I am not always going to get what I want!’ Alter the victim story. If you have gotten stuck in the perspective and the story that this has all happened to you - get out! Find a new way of looking at things that helps you take responsibility for your own actions - whatever part is yours. Your anger may be automatic, but you still have a choice: When you are upset and triggered your sympathetic nervous system reacts and will take over if you do not learn to calm it. When you are on the adrenal pathway, you are going to say the same stereotypical things to yourself, and you will likely revert to older and more immature patterns and habits of reactivity. There are of course, certain experiences in which it is appropriate to use your adrenaline to react so that you can protect and defend yourself, but most often in relationships we are not dealing with actual fight or flight situations. Instead, what is often happening is that your partner does something that makes you enraged, and your nervous system reacts as if you are ACTUALLY in danger. You can learn to change this response. The habitual response to hurt is often “Wow! I am so angry because they did that horrible thing!”, but the deeper truth is you are upset because you have been practicing certain kinds of thinking and being, expectations, that can lead you to being upset. In blaming your partners for our upset (which is often connected to a very old hurt) and focusing on how it is their fault, you feel helpless. This helplessness is what is so dangerous. The more awareness you learn to have around your automatic reactions, and the more you learn to calm your nervous system, the easier it will be for you to make the shift. You will be able to say, in the midst of hurt, “Oh! I am upset”. And sometimes you just need to feel this upsetness for what it is. Calming yourself: It is important to continually practice ways of calming yourself down so that when you get to a triggering situation, you can rely on known and developed abilities and strategies. There are endless options here! Get creative, explore, try things out - find what feels good to you and your nervous system. Heart centered breathing, for example, is a meditation technique of bringing attention to your abdomen, and noticing its expansion on each in breath. Deep breathing is critical as it helps get our parasympathetic nervous system to kick in and calm our sympathetic nervous system. After a few breaths you can bring in an image of something loving or positive. This quick practice gives your nervous system a reset, and gives you the mental bandwidth that you did not have 30 seconds prior! When you are angry and stressed out you do not have much bandwidth at all, and are unable therefore to make much sense of what is actually going on. From a slightly more centered place you will now be able to think to yourself “oh boy, I’m getting upset, I’ve been upset about this 500 times before, isn’t it enough?”, or “Hmm...I am getting upset again, is there another way to deal with this?” You have a choice in how upset you get: Once you know that you can calm yourself, despite who said or did what, you gain choice and freedom! As long as you are blaming others for the actions of your nervous system, it is going to be very hard to have any clarity. Once you take responsibility though, for your own physical, mental, and emotional reactions then you have the choice: do you want to go back to contempt? Or do you want to try something else? Unenforceable Rules: You can want the sun to rise in the west, but if you get upset when it rises in the east, then you KNOW you are holding onto an unenforceable rule. In relationships these rules could look like, “they cannot lie to me, they shouldn’t drink, they must be home at 8, they should want sex as much as I do”.... We can think this, but we do not have control over the decision our partner makes. Often these unconscious rules show up when we become upset. The anger helps to highlight where it is we are engaged in a futile attempt to keep a rule that cannot be enforced. Generally, when you notice that you are getting very upset and there is not any immediate danger, then likely there is an unenforceable rule in there. If you are in the middle of the same argument you have had a million times, then recognize there is something going on in your head that is not helping. Step away- even if it is just psychically, and take a deep breath. Turn your body away for a second. Ask yourself seriously - do they have to do what i want? The answer is always no. So how can I take care of myself? Usually the answer has to do with calming down so that you can get your brain back! Once you are back in a more regulated space you can get curious - what is truly happening here? What can I do differently? When you do this process of caring for your reactions, it is called forgiveness.  You are no longer just getting upset and staying upset - you are taking back control of yourself so that you can have a more successful relationship and successful life! There are going to be lots of things you just have to live with. The research on successful relationships shows that forgiveness is at the top of necessary qualities to thriving in partnership. Even if there is nothing atrociously wrong with your partner, the interaction of two good people sorting life out is going to create all sorts of conflict! Your expectations, temperatures, biological rhythms, and upbringings are all different and the integration of two different people into a functioning unit is hard. There are inevitably going to be gears that grind, EVEN if you REALLY love each other. If you use the differences as ammunition, you will be miserable. If instead you can recognize that there are many places where you are just going to have to make peace with the fact that you are different, and that there are places you just won’t agree on, then you have a much better chance of openness and happiness. Furthermore, these differences and stuck areas will work out much more successfully once you get out of the mental head space that there is something wrong. Try thinking “we are different, and this is the person that I chose”. Just this thought alone can move you out of the blame and victim cycle, and into the possibility of change. Create a positive story that you tell about your relationship. Try on this frame of mind: What a remarkable thing it is that someone would try to love me! That as flawed and difficult as I am, someone would take me on!  The effects of this kind of humility and humor are profound and allow us to be in relationship successfully! NOTE: Don’t forget to take some time now to create an image that evokes love and gratitude for you. Find it, develop it, and practice visualizing it often so that it is available to you next time you get angry and need help calming your nervous system! Resources Read Dr. Fred Luskin’s practical and powerful book: Forgive for Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship Check out the Forgive for Good website as well as the Power of Forgiveness website www.neilsattin.com/forgive Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Fred Luskin and qualify for a signed copy of his book. Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

When you lose something, there’s an emptiness, a hole, where that something used to be. And you have to figure out a way to keep living your life with that loss. Even though the emptiness will always be there, what can be gained from trying to fill it? What can be gained from losing? This episode has four stories about people who lose something, and then look for new things to fill the emptiness. A lifelong dream gets derailed by a butterfly knife, an athlete’s passion for her sport crumbles after an injury, a girl searches for something she isn’t really sure she wants to find, and a woman slowly loses her ability to hear. Host: Jackson Roach Producers: Jackson Roach, with help from Jonathan Kleiman, Will Rogers, Nina Foushee, Jake Warga, Christy Hartman, Claire Schoen and Jonah Willihnganz Featuring: Owen O Súilleabháin, Gabriel Lomeli, Amabel Stokes, Julia Berkson, Mitch Berkson, Olivia Berkson, Claire Richards, Daniela Roop, Jody Louise Music: All music in this episode originally composed by Owen Ó Súilleabháin Story 1: Hole-Hearted Description: When a policeman stopped Gabe Lomeli on the street, he thought he had nothing to hide, but that one interaction would shift the course of his dreams. Producer: Maddie Chang with help from Will Rogers Featuring: Gabriel Lomeli Story 2: Getting Off Track Description: As a successful track athlete, Amabel Stokes has crossed many finish lines. In this story, she learns to move beyond the red tape. Producer: Justine Beed Featuring: Amabel Stokes Story 3: An Eventful Brunch Description: A lovely meal in a small mountain villa is interrupted by a stumbling man with his hand tight against his stomach. Everyone spends the rest of the morning frantically searching for something they’re not sure they want to find. Produced by: Maddy Berkson with help from Nina Foushee, Jackson Roach, and Jonathan Kleiman. Featuring: Julia Berkson, Mitch Berkson, Olivia Berkson, Claire Richards, Daniela Roop Story 4: Forgiveness Description: Dr. Fred Luskin, founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, shares his story of loss, and how he learned to move forward. Producer: Jake Warga, Emma Heath, Jon Kleiman Featuring: Dr. Fred Luskin Story 5: Sound by Sound Description: In her twenties, Jody Louise started to lose her hearing, and her doctors couldn’t figure out why. Producer: Jackson Roach with help from Maya Lorey Featuring: Jody Louise

Stanford Forgiveness Project which has successfully explored forgiveness therapy with many people who have endured extreme hardships