This Little Light of Mine is an LGBTQ+ tale of terror (growing up as a closeted Gay Christian in the Evangelical church) that led to trauma (cPTSD, religious trauma, spiritual abuse, sexual abuse, addiction) to what I intend to become triumph. Join me on my healing and recovery journey towards mental health, spiritual health and emotional health as I find my voice by sharing what happened in my life as a Queer Christian where I was taught that I was not allowed to love.
Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you are able to join me for today's special episode entitled PAUSE. This episode is special to me because I'm trying on some of the things that I've been the learning and sharing this season. I'm taking time to listen to my body, being gentle with myself, and giving myself the time and space to allow the natural ebbs and flows of life. I'm thankful to be surrounded by a loving community that helped me reflect and following through when I asked myself the question "What do I need right now?" I'm about to live through a busy time of change over the next couple of months and as I take time to listen inside and be with all the good that lays ahead I've made the decision to press pause before producing, editing, and sharing my final episodes for this season. For most of my life, I've lived in a binary mode of all or nothing. Full steam ahead or quit and walk away. My normal way of operating would be to push myself and force out these last episodes but I'm going to practice what I preach and give myself permission to press pause and to give myself the space that I need right now. I appreciate all of you who have been following along and sharing your love, support, and encouragement across this season so it was important for me not to just 'go dark' and disappear for a while. So what about you? What do you need right now? James
Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you are able to join me for today's story episode entitled Grief, Loss, Hope, Love One of the more surprising things I discovered during my time in rehab was the duality of recovery. Yes, recovery is learning to stop or let go of behaviours and actions that may no longer be serving you. AND, recovery is also about remembering behaviours and actions that I had almost given up hope for. For me, my recovery journey has been a twisting and winding road where I am being reminded and retaught that I am worthy of love, that I am lovable, and that I am capable of loving others. In today's story episode, I take you back inside the walls of my rehab experience to share what I learned about grief and loss and about how avoiding pain was also helping me to avoid the one thing that I've been searching for my entire life. When I started to be with my grief and loss, I also started to find hope and love. Episode links: Commitment and Healing: Gay Men and the Need for Romantic Love James
In today's episode, I'm joined with the incredible mother and son team, Candace & Riley. Candace and Riley are going to share part of their journey of unconditional love, acceptance, courage, strength & hope, and how they made a decision to come out as a family in the middle of the pandemic. It is conversations like this and humans like Riley and Candace that give me hope and help to build a vision of the world that I want to live in. Riley and Candace are living examples of who we can become, the spaces we can create, and the relationships that we can foster when we embrace all of who God designed us to be. Instead of living in spaces defined by control, separation, exclusion, and fear; Riley and Candace are charting a different way forward. What type of world will you choose to be part of? The world I choose to be part of is one where we encourage, applaud, and provide all we can to support educators and parents like Candace. A world where we provide the tools, resources, and space for Candace to help ALL children know how loved and important they actually are. The world I choose to be part of is one where we encourage, applaud, and provide all we can to support humans like Riley. A world where surround people like Riley with unconditional love, affirmation, and encouragement to be exactly who they were created to be. The world I choose to be part of is one where we encourage, applaud, and provide all we can to support safe spaces similar to the environment that Dan, Candace, and Riley are creating in their own home. A world where all people have a space, community, and safe haven where they can receive the love, encouragement, help, and hugs that are their birthright. The space that Dan, Candace, and Riley have created in their home is 'the church' or more accurately 'the community' that Jesus instructed us to build with each other. What would it be like for you to live in that world? Who might you be today if you grew up in that world? What can you do today to create that world where you are right now? James
Your perceived challenge with addiction isn't the problem. You are not the ‘problem'. It's what happened to you that has caused this ‘problem'. The Adverse Childhood Experience Study (ACEs) is population-based clinical evidence that shows that the major factor underlying addiction in adults is childhood trauma. It is proven that those who suffer from addiction in their adult life are those who had adverse childhood experiences when they were younger. Have you been introduced to the work of Dr. Vincent Felitti and his Adverse Childhood Experiences Study? Do you know what your own ACE score is? If not, follow the link below to take the simple assessment and get your score. ACE score quiz Want to learn more about ACEs? Here are a few great resources to get you started: TED - How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime - Dr. Nadine Burke HarrisCDC site on ACEsACEs and Toxic Stress - Office of the California Surgeon GeneralThe Deepest Well - Dr. Nadine Burke Harris James
By sharing his own personal experience with religious trauma and evolution towards leaving fundamentalism behind, Andrew Pledger was fired from his campus job and expelled from Bob Jones University. Join our conversation as Andrew shares how his art gave him a unique opportunity to explore how religious trauma has impact his life and how he started his own journey of healing, spiritual growth, and listening to God to become his own hero. Resource List: This I know: A Simple Biblical Defence for LGBTQ Christians, by Jim DantMy Gay Church Days: A memoir of a closeted evangelical pastor who eventually had enough, by George AzarThe Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, by Lindsay C. GibsonLeaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion, by Marlene WinellBeyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms, by Matthias RobertsSacred Wounds: A Path to Healing from Spiritual Trauma, by Teresa B PasqualeFirst Baptist Church, Greenville SCChurchClarity
Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you are able to join me for today's story episode entitled Complex Trauma. I need to take a deep breath as I introduce today's episode. This was one of the hardest episodes that I've had to write in the last year. As I took the time to go back through my journals, read through the assignments that I completed while in rehab two years ago, and revisit my massive 'rehab binder' of worksheets, daily check-ins, assessments, and resources; I was hit with a wave of emotions. It was really hard to look back and see the space that I was in and to re-experience some of the thoughts and feelings that I was going through at that time of my life. Rehab gave me a pause and permission to change the paradigm of how I was getting help. This paradigm shift helped to give me the opportunity to be deeply seen and deeply known, both by my therapists and by the other men in the house. This was a game-changer for me and helped me to see the many trauma responses that I've been living with and experiencing for most of my life. When children don't perceive safety from anyone in their world, they teach themselves that it is never safe to trust anyone. This approach creates a feeling of complete isolation, loneliness, disconnection, and can introduce and reinforce a feeling of being broken. This type of trauma is the birthplace of shame. This type of shame can overwhelm even the most resilient of children. After decades of striving forward in the dark, I finally started to get an honest assessment of what I was dealing with so that I could start my healing journey. Rehab was not a final destination. It was a start. James
"The sexy thing in the #exvangelical world right now is destruction. That's the easiest path, just shoot flaming arrows at the thing, tear it apart, poke holes in it. Destroying something is deeply satisfying the moment, especially when there is a lot of hurt. Deconstruction has a lot more intention behind it, it's much more careful in its exploration." Today I'm joined with my personal friend John Emery. John is a former evangelical worship pastor who made the decision to walk away from his role in the church in order to search for a more inclusive and affirming path forward for himself, his family, and for all people. John is on his own personal journey of deconstruction where he is learning to grow into spaces that encourage him to be more vulnerable, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous in his relationship with God and how he defines church. John is a strong LGBTQ+ ally who lives with his wife and three kids in Freeport Maine where he is the founder of branding agency Emery. Emery works to help bring clarity and confidence to brands and they believe that every "good idea" deserves a great reputation. John's overall life goal in everything that he does is to help grow fruit on other people's trees. What's your hope for the church? Where do you find your intentions? Are you fighting to keep things the same? Do you want to return to someplace from the past? Do you want to destroy something that has caused pain? Or are you focused on deconstruction so that we can open up space where you can co-create something new? James
Looking back, I can now describe my time in treatment as the most difficult, most exposed, and most rewarding time of my life. I started to pull the wool back from my eyes and began to see how my approach to 'strength' hurt me, hurt others around me, and nearly cost me my life. While in treatment I learned how many of my addictive behaviours and anxiety-producing thoughts were shame-based thoughts that I was not surrendering. Even today much of my fear-based thinking comes from a false belief that I'm in control. There continue to be times when I dissociate and go somewhere inside as I try to numb or run from the idea that I have to handle everything in my life all by myself. Surrender is a day-to-day learning experience in my life and as I focus on shifting my mindset and approach, I'm slowly starting to realize that I don't actually have to do life on my own. I am surrounded by help. I am part of a loving community of friends and family. I am a valuable and loved child of God, and so are you You are accepted and loved unconditionally by God who made you exactly as you are. You, your heart, your mind, your body, your spirit, your gender expression, your sexuality, and the way you love, are created perfectly in God's image. You are designed as an ultra-social being who is wired to connect and be in community with others. You have been designed to be deeply known and you experience that knowing when you surrender and safely open yourself up with others and allow yourself to be seen. You are created on purpose and your purpose is to fully love yourself, connect deeply with others and share your love with the rest of the world. James RESOURCES: Feelings Wheel
Are evangelical churches safe spaces for 2SLGBTQ humans? How can a space that may be considered 'unsafe' transform into a welcoming and affirming space? Is it possible to create a safe space for all people? In today's episode, I'm joined with James Sholl, my personal friend and Senior Pastor of Wellspring Worship Centre in Toronto. James helps us explore these questions and much more. One of the things I really appreciate about James' approach is that he is doing the hard and sometimes messy work with the people at Wellspring to show love to all of their neighbours, including the 2SLGBTQ+ community that other evangelical churches can fight to exclude.
Christmas survival tips for LGBTQ Christians This year has been a doozie for so many of us. And if you're anything like me the holiday season usually amplifies any feelings of loneliness, disconnection, or otherness that I may have swirling around in my head. I know that I'm not alone on this one. For many Queer people of faith, the holiday season can be really hard and really dark. That cheery exterior that we are expected to portray in pictures, at parties, and on social media, that's not the reality for many of us. Growing up I was constantly reminded that Christmas IS a time of warmth, happiness, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, singing carols at a candlelit Christmas Eve church service, and joyous family celebrations where you lovingly exchange gifts and where you spend time relaxing, connecting, and sharing meals with close family relatives. You know, all those fuzzy warm images and picture-perfect endings we see on the Hallmark Channel, and for some, that is their reality. But for others, people like me, that's a fantasy and it's a painful reminder of what I'm told I wasn't allowed to be. I get how hard this time of the year can be. I know how desperately hard so many of us want that perfect Hallmark Christmas fantasy to be our reality. It's not easy NOT being part of what is 'generally accepted' and what 'everyone else may be doing', but that doesn't make you wrong. My hope is that these top 7 Christmas survival tips for LGBTQ Christians will help you navigate any choppy waters in the weeks ahead. No matter what your reality is this holiday season I want you to know something with absolute certainty. You are loved unconditionally by God who made you exactly as you are. Merry Christmas James www.thislittlelightofmine.ca Referenced Links: Glennon Doyle's 'We can do hard things' podcast What is Religious Trauma Syndrome
Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you were able to join me for today's story episode entitled Rehab. In today's episode, I'm taking you on the road with me to Philadelphia where I'm about to check into the trauma-informed rehab facility where I will be living for the next 30 days. Parts of me are still on a high from making the decision to attend, parts of me are terrified of what's right around the corner, and other parts of me are starting to have doubts that I may have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life in coming here. James www.thislittlelightofmine.ca
Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you were able to join me for today's story episode entitled Coming out again. In today's episode I walk you some of the uncomfortable yet necessary events that followed my big decision to JUMP! from S02E05. I'm putting my decision to attend an in-patient trauma-informed rehab facility into action. It's time for me to get vulnerable, out myself in an entirely new way, and have conversations with my parents and with my employer, to share that I need to take time away to heal. I have so many thoughts and feelings come up when I think back to that time and space in my life. I was on a constant pendulum swinging back and forth between fear and relief. What I now know for sure, coming out is not a binary process. When we are growing and evolving, we are in a perpetual process of coming out. What are some areas of your life that you now feel safe enough to come out of your shell some more? James. https://www.thislittlelightofmine.ca
I'm joined with Bonnie Violet. Bonnie is a trans femme genderqueer spiritual drag artist, digital chaplain and host of 'A Queer Chaplin' and 'Splintered Grace' podcasts. In today's interview episode Bonnie and I will be talking about the recent Netflix conversation therapy documentary, titled 'Pray Away'. We'll be talking what we found, helpful, hurtful, and what we hope for, should a possible part two be in the works. Bonnie said it best when she said "Don't pray for me not to be trans. Don't pray for me not to be gay. Pray for me to get closer to God." Imagine what our world could be if we didn't ask people to change. Imagine what our world could be if we honoured the individuality that God designed into each of us. Imagine what our world could be if we helped and encouraged each other to go deeper within, to discover how beautiful they already are, instead of teaching people to Pray Away. What are you praying FOR? James http://www.thislittlelightofmine.ca
In today's story episode, I'm going to take you Peru where my friend Rob from OUT Adventures helped me to experience my own outer discovery adventure and inner journey for the soul. Going into this trip, I had everything on the OUTSIDE that I thought should make me happy, but I wasn't. I was in desperate need of an inner transformation. I needed to find a space within myself where I felt safe enough and brave enough to jump. It was this inner journey with OUT Adventures where I made one of my own life changing decisions to JUMP. Transformational travel is an incredible set and setting to embrace and experience the fullest expression of your being. And we each have the opportunity to choose to BE that person right now. It's not the travel that creates the opportunity. It's YOU who gives yourself the full permission to be alive while travelling. You can give yourself that full permission with every breath you take. For more information on OUT Adventures check out Rob at https://www.outadventures.com/ and @outadventures For explore more about how Liz helps women find joy in their wellness journeys through travel you can meet Liz at @lizbeancrookston and discover The Archer Group at https://www.thearchergroupinc.ca For pictures and more from today's episode please visit https://www.thislittlelightofmine.ca James @the.jamespowell
Hello and welcome to This Little Light Of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you are able to join me for the second part of my conversation with Dr. Mike Rosebush. If you haven't been introduced to Mike yet, I would encourage you to skip back to S02E03, Honey, I think I'm a homosexual. In today's episode Mike will share what happened when he came out while working as a VP at Focus on the Family, his role as a conversion therapist, outing himself again on a national ex-gay conference stage, going back into the closet, and what helped him to fully love and embrace all of who God made him to be. Connecting with Mike affirmed that we were designed to live and be fully alive. We were not created to be dead humans walking. The number one way that we start living, is when we are faithful to how we are each individually designed from love. Our coming out process is about being faithful, authentic, and loving to ourselves. The more that we do this with ourselves, the more we can share this faithfulness and love with others. This is our challenge today. What is the truth you want to stand up for and share with our world? How will you share that your sexuality, no matter the form, can never be broken, wrong, or sinful? How will you love more and share more of yourself with the world around you? How will you help the next generation know that you are needed, you are important, you are wanted, you are included, and you are loved? We need you now. When you raise your voice, the world will hear your echo for generations to come. Raise your voice, hear IT echo You are loved, James To read more from Dr. Mike Rosebush, check him out on Medium. Episode theme by Emorie: Raise a voice, hear it echo
Do you have any gay Christian role models or mentors? On today's episode, I'm joined with Dr. Mike Rosebush who describes himself as somewhat of a gay Christian Yoda. In this first part of our conversation, Mike will share how his wild journey of his 'most unusual gay Christian life' got started. In Part 1 of our conversation Mike talks about: growing up with 'John Wayne' as a fatherbeing top of his class in the US Air Force Academyspeaking life, for the first time, at age 30, to a homosexual personComing out while in the US Air ForceComing out to his pregnant wifeGoing into conversation therapyStarting as a VP with Focus on the Family To read more from Dr. Mike Rosebush, check him out on Medium. James
I never considered that I might be surrounded by help. For most of my life I've been afraid to ask for help, because asking for help meant getting hurt. And as a kid I thought I was supposed to avoid getting hurt. What comes to your mind when the topic of 'asking for help' comes up? Is asking for help something that comes easy for you? Is asking for help something that you avoid? Or does asking for help depend on the type of help that you need? Is it okay to ask for help moving a heavy object but not okay when the help you need is more emotional in nature? I believe that a major part of our healing and recovery journey comes when we learn to ask for help AND accept and appreciate how beautiful, wonderful, and unique God has created each and every one of us... including me. And especially you. Thanks for joining me today and I look forward to returning in two weeks' time for our first interview episode of S02 where I will be joined with Dr. Mike Rosebush who will share his WILD journey and ‘most unusual gay Christian Life'. Book reference by Peter A Levine: In an Unspoken Voice - How the body releases trauma and restores goodness Cover design: creative directed by David Laskovski
By finding the courage to ask for the help I desperately needed I slowly started to understand that I wasn't broken. I slowly started to understand that I was not alone. I slowly started to let go of holding onto the control that I thought was keeping me safe. I slowly started to understand that childhood trauma doesn't simply disappear. Trauma morphs, transforms, and continues to inflict harm until we start to face the root of what harmed us. I'm excited to have you join me for Season Two where I'll share parts of my recovery journey after hitting bottom and finding the courage to start asking for help. Where I thought that I was alone, isolated, and detached from others, I started to understand and experience that I was surrounded by help. And much of the help that I've received came from some of the most unexpected places and people. Throughout S02 I will also be introducing you to other individuals who will share their experiences of how their world has taken on new meaning, understanding, and purpose when they started to accept who they were created to be, love who they were created to be and had the courage to reach out, connect with others, and ask for the help they needed. When we start asking for the help we need for ourselves, we stand up for love and start to prioritize mental health, emotional health, and spiritual health in our own lives, and start to give permission for others to do the same. James
Pride is an inner journey towards ownership of self. This isn't just an LGBTQ2S+ journey, it's a journey for everyone. Pride is a journey inward where you ask AND go inside to listen to the internal guidance system that you have been given. The journey inwards toward ownership of self and the outward evolution towards actual diversity and inclusion isn't for the faint of heart. As we enter another season of Pride, I want to acknowledge the messy, lonely, and sometimes unstable feelings that come with growth. And many times, this journey of growth calls for letting go and even leaving others behind. Pride is a celebration of uncomfortable growth. It's an ongoing and ever-evolving graduation into becoming more of yourself. You are not designed to be like anyone else. You are not designed to be the same person that you were last year. In my opinion, we are all transitioning as we remember who we were designed to become and this transition is a never-ending process, not a destination or a one-time ‘coming out'. Can you be extra selfish this Pride? Don't fit in, be different, practice self-love, and celebrate how beautifully unique you are designed to be. You are worthy of love…. And you are loved. Happy Pride.
WARNING: content in this episode contains 1) explicit homophobic and transphobic beliefs, positioning, and scripting from Evangelical and Catholic Churches. 2) actual examples of conversion therapy sessions used against LGBTQ2S+ children. 3) politicians promoting the use of conversion therapy. Welcome to a special topic episode on our current fight for a national ban against conversion therapy in Canada. Thankfully this topic probably doesn't enter the minds of 99% of humans… and yet this topic continues to cause adverse childhood trauma, ongoing mental health challenges, and is one of the leading causes of LGBTQ2S+ suicide. Bill C-6 is the Canadian government's plan to implement a nationwide ban on conversion therapy. In response, our evangelical and catholic churches are fighting to keep this lethal practice alive. Our LGBTQ2S+ children are being harmed by the homophobic church. Where do you stand on inclusion in your life, your world, your church, and your home? Are you going to stand up for love and help protect the lives of all of God's children? Where does your church stand on full inclusion for all people? The children who grow up in the church need our protection. You may not hear their cry but they need your help. Will you help them? Episode Links: Canadaland podcasts Bill C-6 third reading
Hello and welcome to Episode 29 of This Little Light Of Mine. My name is James Powell and I'm glad that you're able to join me for the final episode of season one! I can't believe that it's already been over a year since I first embarked on this soul-searching journey of healing, forgiveness, and recovery! In today's final story episode for season one I walk you through the final years of my life leading up to my eventual breakdown and surrender. TRIGGER WARNING: In today's episode I will be talking about suicidal ideation. As always, I encourage all listeners to be gentle with themselves, listen to your own bodies and to proceed with loving intent, knowing that it's okay to stop and/or take breaks. For some, you may need to skip this episode and that's okay. It will be here when you are ready. Thank you again for being part of This Little Light Of Mine and for helping me to bring more love into our world. This Little Light Of Mine will return in late summer 2021 with new episodes that stand up for love and prioritize mental health, emotional health, and spiritual health in your life and the lives of all people. If you've enjoyed season one of This Little Light Of Mine or think some of the episodes may help bring hope, understanding, or love to someone in your life, I'd love your help sharing these episodes. Would you go to Apple Podcasts to rate and review? Don't forget to subscribe yourself so you don't miss any of season two? I'd also love to keep in touch over the summer. You can follow me on IG @the_jamespowell. Thanks you so much listening and remember, you are wanted, you are worth fighting for, you are needed and you are loved. James.
Hello and welcome to Episode 28 of This Little Light Of Mine. My name is James Powell and I'm glad that you're able to join me for the second part of my interview with my parents. If you haven't already listened to the first part of our conversation, I would encourage you to hop back one episode so that you have the chance to catch our full conversation. The response to Ep27 and the first part of our chat has been overwhelming, affirming, and eye-opening. Thank you for sharing so much of your raw emotion, personal reflections, and insights with me. Families truly are some of the most complicated relationships that we have. AND these relationships can be up, down, and all over the place. Trust me, the relationships within our family are constantly in flux and we're all slowly learning that part of being human is to embrace this discomfort. Sitting down with my parents like this I heard some of the words that I've been waiting to hear for my entire life. I am so incredibly proud of the vulnerability, honesty, strength, and love that my parents brought into this conversation. I'm also proud that I was able to bring the same. As I listened back and editing these episodes, I was blown away at how we all showed up. A HUGE thank you to my parents for opening up and joining me for this conversation. I almost didn't ask you because I assumed your answer would be no. I'm glad I didn't listen to that fearful voice. Thank you for your vulnerability, your courage, your support, and your love. There have been a handful of times where I've felt your love and support for WHO I am as a person and this is one of them. Thank you for seeing me, for loving me, and for living together with me in our world of gray. Here are some of the references my parents shared during our conversation: Cross in the Closet - Timothy Kurek For the Bible Tells Me So - Daniel Karslake Boy Erased - with Lucas Hedges, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe Matthew Shepard Story And thank you to all of you who have been listening along, sharing your thoughts, opinions, and challenges with me as each of you learn to navigate, live, grow, and thrive within our many shades of gray. I'd like to invite each of you back in two weeks' time for the last episode of S01 of This Little Light Of Mine. In my final story episode of the season, I come full circle and I talk about some of the uncomfortable events in my professional, personal, and spiritual life that helped me to hit bottom and break open so that I could finally start to see and to remember the light inside of me that has always been shining bright. Until then. Wherever you are on this journey, know that you are loved unconditionally by God who made you exactly as you are. You are created for spiritual growth that embraces your full humanity. You are designed to learn, grow, thrive, and evolve, even if that process causes you some awkward and uncomfortable growing pains. You are loved. James
Hello and welcome to Episode 27 of This Little Light Of Mine. My name is James Powell and I'm glad that you're able to join me for today's interview episode. Families can be some of the most complicated relationships that we have. Adding elements of religion and queerness can be like adding fuel to an already roaring fire. On today's episode I'm joined with Christian parenting experts, LGBTQ2S+ advocates, and the earthly creators of me… yup, this is the first part of my interview with my Mom & Dad. As you'll hear, I was pretty nervous and awkward when starting this conversation, but wow, am I ever glad that I pushed through those messy feelings. What I think we all realized after having this conversation is how poorly we've all been at asking many of the questions that we've been holding onto for years. One thing that I've been repeatedly reminded of during my recovery journey is that we are only as sick as our secrets. As much as I've tried to keep some of these awkward and uncomfortable conversations in, it doesn't do anything for the healing process, in fact, it hurts it. Keeping silent and not having an authentic conversation was keeping me trapped in my head and living in my past. Uncomfortable conversations are part of the journey, these are signs that you are growing. That being said, there is a big difference between being uncomfortable and being unsafe. I wasn't ready to have many of these conversations when I was younger because I felt unsafe. You might be in a similar position in your life right now. Only you will know your own situation and I encourage you to go inside and to listen to what you know is true for you. Don't force these situations and make yourself feel wrong if you feel you are not safe in having them. Wherever you are on this journey, know that you are loved unconditionally by God who made you exactly as you are. You are created for spiritual growth that embraces your full humanity. You are designed to learn, grow, thrive, and evolve, even if that process causes you some awkward and uncomfortable growing pains. You are loved.
I always dreamed that there would be peace on the other side of the rainbow. I thought that once I was fully out to my family, there would be no more secrets, and everything would be good. I had always been so terrified and fixated on coming out to my family, that I never really looked beyond that point. The years that followed were some of the loneliest of my life Coming out of the closet with my family simply meant that I was no longer hiding one aspect of my life. People talk about having a huge weight lifted from their shoulders after coming out, for me, my anxiety and depression increased What have you observed in your life? When you've come out of the closet and shared something big in your life, did you feel like a giant weight was lifted? Or did you continue to experience uncomfortable shifts and changes like I did? What I'm learning and experiencing is that ‘coming out' is not a one-time event only for LGBTQ2S+ humans. Coming out is an ongoing lifetime process for every single one of us. James http://www.thislittlelightofmine.ca
Hello and welcome to Episode 25 of This Little Light Of Mine. My name is James Powell and I'm glad that you're able to join me for today's interview episode, ‘Not defining'. On today's episode I'm joined with orientation advocate Mark Smith and his wife Victoria. Mark runs a support site for anyone struggling with their orientation. He has an expanded heart and focus on humans who may be questioning, undefined, changing, Bi+, or fluid. Before we jump into our conversation with Mark and Vic let's pause, for a few minutes to reflect on the topic of orientation. How exactly do you define a person's orientation? How do you define your own orientation? Is orientation static? Does it change over time? Is it fluid? Is your specific orientation defined and spelled out in the Bible? Does your orientation automatically indicate who you're having sex with? What about the term bisexuality? What comes up for you around this term? What thoughts, stories or preconceived notions do you have around someone who might identify as bisexual? With some of your own perceptions top of mind, you're now ready for today's interview with Mark and Vic called ‘Not defining'.
I sat in a chair facing my parents who sat on opposite ends of a sofa on the other side of the room. With one glance at my mom's already watering eyes I knew that I was about to be devastated. My father started out with the words, ‘We have reasons to believe that you may be struggling with same-sex attraction'. This is the start of my toxic outing. Show links: NOTE: Trigger warning for homophobia, religious &. spiritual abuse, and misappropriation of God Ravi Zacharias (RZIM International) - 'Christian' view of homosexuality RZIM Confirms Ravi Zacharias' Sexual Misconduct
On today's episode I'm joined with author Marc-Henri Sendoz Paradella. Marc-Henri's new book Toxic Jesus – A Journey from Holy Shit to Spiritual Healing is creating international acclaim in progressive Christian, deconstruction and religious trauma circles. Marc-Henri has a fascinating story of deep faith, questioning, deconstruction and reconstruction. Don't forget, if you want the chance to win your very own copy of Toxic Jesus all you need to do is subscribe, rate and leave a review of This Little Light Of Mine on Apple Podcasts. Next story episode I will choosing one of the reviewers and will send them their own copy of Marc-Henri's newest book so they can devour it themselves. For those of you not yet familiar with Marc-Henri, he grew up in Europe and was the son of a charismatic Pentecostal minister. As a young boy, Marc-Henri was spiritually and psychologically abused, as he forced to undergo multiple public faith healings to cure him of a leg impairment. Despite the insistence of his church and his family that Marc-Henri had been healed by God, Marc-Henri and his medical doctors continually confirmed that no healing and no change had taken place.[/caption] Feeling lost, confused, and angry Marc-Henri internalized these messages at a very young age. He believed there was something wrong with him and that he was broken and unwanted by God but put on a brave face and kept pushing forward. He studied Protestant theology at the University of Geneva and fulfilled what he thought was his life mission when he became a pastor of an evangelical church for over 15 years. But Marc-Henri's internalized messages of shame and unworthiness never went away. By not addressing his toxic shame, the parts of him and his beliefs that he tried to exile had only grown stronger. His deep questioning of his faith led him to resign when he realized that he could no longer run away from who he was truly designed to be. Toxic Jesus shares how Marc-Henri faced his shadows, began long-term therapeutic and integrative work and began his process of deconstruction and reconstruction. In that process he discovered the need to grow into a deeper and renewed spirituality, one that would fully take into account what was happening to him, without sugar-coating or falling into the magical thinking he was taught as a child. He found a spirituality that would truly help him to face reality. And as he calls it, a “no bullshit” spirituality that will always be a work in progress.
It's 2021… we made it! Hello, and welcome Episode 22 of This Little Light Of Mine. My name is James Powell and I'm glad that you're able to join me for today's story episode, ‘Validate me'. It feels good to be here and to share more of an upbeat and lighter story episode with you today. And that's what this episode is all about, validation and feeling good. In today's story episode I'm shedding many of the awkward, scared, small and unwanted masks of my school years. This period of my life is my coming out and reinvention. And man, did it ever feel good! As I reflect back on this period of time it's incredible to see how fast I jumped at all of these opportunities. I look back with awe and wonder at the cockiness, confidence and zest for life that I had. To be honest, sometimes I wish I could steal some of that and bring that into present day. I was on an ego upswing and after spending most of my life locked away in a closet of shame and self-hatred my new life of freedom was everything that I dreamed of… or so I thought. Back at this time in my life I wasn't even conscious of the new double life that I had created. I didn't see the all too familiar trap that I was sprinting towards. I didn't see how my circumstances had changed but that I hadn't changed. External validation was the intoxicating drug that I used as a life support for my flat lining self-esteem. And damn, that drug works great! But what I didn't realize was how addictive it was. Once I got a taste of positive external validation I couldn't stop. I always needed more. So, what about you? Have you ever got hooked on external validation? Are you crushed when you don't get the number of likes you NEED on Instagram? Or what about feedback? Are you able to accept honest feedback or do you need to surround yourself in an echo chamber of people that look like you, act like you and think like you? Welcome to the journey towards healthy self-esteem! If you haven't joined our community on Instagram or Facebook, I'd invite you to visit @MyLightShinesBright and make sure to check out our Trauma Tuesday posts from December, January and February where we'll be focusing on self-esteem. I'm looking forward to being with you in two-weeks' time with author Marc-Henri Sandoz Paradella to talk about his new book Toxic Jesus and his journey from Holy Shit to Spiritual Healing. I'm really excited to share Marc-Henri's work and I want to give away a free copy of ‘Toxic Jesus' to a listener of This Little Light Of Mine. For your chance to win all you need to do is subscribe, rate and leave a review of This Little Light Of Mine on Apple Podcasts. Next story episode I will choose one of the reviews and send you your very own copy of Toxic Jesus and the journey from Holy Shit to Spiritual Healing. Until then, be safe and know that you are loved. James
Wow... what a rollercoaster of year. As much as we love to pretend that we're in control of our lives, 2020 is definitely a year that proves that 'anything can happen'. It isn't hard to look back on 2020 and say THANK GOODNESS THAT'S OVER. But have you taken the opportunity to look at what you've learned about yourself in the past 12 months? How have you grown as a human in the last year? And maybe even go as far as to think about what's made you proud of YOU in 2020. Like most of us, 2020 has been full of ups and downs for me. After a lifetime of hiding so many parts of my life, never did I think I would ever share so openly about religious trauma & spiritual abuse, mental health, addiction, suicide and so many of the developmental challenges that I've faced because I was born gay and grew up in the evangelical church. Thank you for listening. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for sharing some of your time to know me. Isn't that what we're all searching for? To be heard. To be seen. To be known. To be loved. As we close out the year I'd love for you to consider supporting Beloved Arise as they build a space that fights for queer youth of faith. Beloved Arise is in the home stretch of their 'Build the Future' campaign and I'm here to publicly pledge my support and to ask you to consider the same. How will your support be used? to build a weekly rhythm of inclusive youth group activities that can be access from around the worldmental wellness programming, community service projects, spiritual programming and social gatherings... just like a church youth group... but one that affirms everyonecreation of a BelovedArise app to create a SAFE space for youth to connect, have small groups and to access resourcesa new trauma informed mental wellness program designed to help LGBTQ+ youth overcome hopelessness, embrace their wholeness and flourish as young adults. I know that 2020 has been a tough year for so many but I know and trust that support for Beloved Arise will not only help young adults flourish. It will save lives. So what about you? What's your 2020 wrap up look like? I'd love to hear some of the things that you've learned about yourself. I'm looking forward to sharing my next story episode called 'Sweet Validation' with all of you on Thursday January 7th, 2021 Thank you again for all of your support, encouragement, love and community this year. 2020 has been a wild ride but as they say... the best is yet to come. I hope you all have a safe and healthy New Year You are loved. James.
Well... it's Christmas Eve and we can finally see the finish line for 2020. What a strange year... did any of our futurists or experts predict this one? As we head into this break I wanted to put together a quick episode to share Holiday survival tips for LGBTQ2S+ Christians or for anyone who might have all the happy joyous feelings that we're 'supposed to' have at this time of year. I'll be home for Christmas this year and I want to acknowledge how hard that's going to be for me. To be honest, the break between Christmas and New Years is usually one of the loneliest and lowest times of the year for me. I know that I'm not alone, and that for many Queer people of faith, the holiday season can be really hard and really dark. That cheery exterior that we are expected to portray in pictures, at parties and on social media.... that's not the reality for many of us. Christmas can be a reminder and a celebration of everything that the church said that we are NOT allowed to be and can activate many Religious Trauma Syndrome triggers. To help survive this holiday season I want to propose 7 Holiday survival tips for LGBTQ2S+ Christians. James IG: @MyLightShinesBright
Trauma is blocked emotional energy that is trapped inside of your body. You need to process it and you need to feel it. What I have learned is that when I repress and deny my feelings and my Knowing, I'm blocking my connection with God and I'm hurting myself… and I'm hurting others. At more than one point in my life I thought it would be easier to leave this world than to feel my feelings, follow my God given Knowing, speak out against those I considered to be in ‘control' and to share my truth. I was drifting towards suicide because I cared more about what others thought about me than I did about myself. I believed the lies that I was being taught about my being, instead of trusting my Knowing. Trigger Warning - I want to share that this is another ‘explicit' episode as this part of my story contains content that may trigger some survivors. In today's episode I will be talking about suicidal ideation and attempted suicide. This is a topic that nobody wants to talk about, but we desperately need to talk about. I'm dedicating this episode to all those struggling with mental health challenges and to the incredible services that The Trevor Project provides in the US and that Kids Help Phone provides in Canada to help support young LGBTQ lives. As always, I encourage all listeners to be gentle with themselves, listen to your own bodies and to proceed with loving intent, knowing that it's okay to stop and/or take breaks. For some, you may need to skip this episode and that's okay. If you are a survivor of religious trauma, sexual abuse or assault or are a person facing mental health issues related to today's conversation I strongly encourage you to be extremely gentle with yourself and to reach out to a mental health professional that specializes in trauma. There is no shame in asking for the help that you deserve. You are loved James. IG: @MyLightShinesBright www.ThisLittleLightOfMine.CA
Hello and welcome to Episode 18 of This Little Light Of Mine. My name is James Powell and I'm glad that you're able to join me for today's episode, ‘Scapegoat'. Over the past few weeks on IG and Facebook @MyLightShinesBright our trauma topic of conversation has been around the concept of ‘The Scapegoat'. This is a relatively new term for me, and it seems like it's a term that resonates with many that are on similar journeys of trauma recovery, addiction recovery, those deconstructing their religious beliefs, people experiencing homelessness and many in the BIPOC and LGBTQ2S+ communities. A scapegoat is a truth teller in a family, company or community. They are the ones that will verbalize or act out “the problem” that others are attempting to cover up or deny. Scapegoats are also called many other names… negative, shit disturber, trouble-maker, problem child, killer of dreams and get labelled with words like hostile, angry, crazy or defiant. What I'm learning is that insecure leaders or people with insecure positions of power need to marginalize or try to sideline the scapegoat. The truth-telling of the scapegoat brings issues to the surface, questions the status quo and calls for actual transparency and radical change in our world. On today's episode I'm in conversation with another radical truth-teller and scapegoat, Junia "June" Joplin. Junia “June” Joplin began serving in church ministry over twenty years ago, at nineteen years old. She has served congregations in the U.S. and Canada, most recently serving as a pastor in suburban Toronto. She holds degrees from Appalachian State University and the Baptist Theological Seminary at Richmond. A long-time advocate for greater LGBTQ+ acceptance in faith communities, June made international headlines last summer when she came out as a trans woman and was subsequently fired by her congregation. June has been acclaimed as a stirring preacher and graceful leader. Her sermons and other content can be found on her website, pastorjune.com. June is feisty, funny and incredibly vulnerable as she shares part of her story and message of hope and love for fellow truth-tellers. I hope you grow as much from this conversation as I did. James www.ThisLittleLightOfMine.CA
Hello and welcome to Episode 17 of This Little Light Of Mine. My name is James Powell and I'm glad that you're able to join me for today's episode, ‘In the shadows'. Before we get started with today's episode, I want to be very transparent that this is my first ‘explicit' episode as this part of my story contains content that may trigger some survivors. In today's episode I will be talking about sexual assault, rape, trauma and dissociation. I encourage all listeners to be gentle with themselves and to proceed with loving intent as they listen, knowing that it's okay to stop and/or take breaks. If you are a survivor of religious trauma, sexual abuse or assault or are a person facing mental health issues related to today's conversation I strongly encourage you to be extremely gentle with yourself and to reach out to a mental health professional that specializes in trauma. I am terrified about sharing these next few story episodes with you. Ever since starting TLLOM I've been pushing these episodes to the back of my mind by telling myself… they are months away… just focus on the episode in front of you. And now we're here. I'm not sharing these stories to be salacious, to call anyone out, or to shame anyone, in fact, that's why I've never shared much of today's content with anyone. I'm sharing this part of my story because I want to reduce shame. Shame reduction starts when you welcome light into the shadow parts of your life. I'm also sharing because I want allies and those who continue to inflict spiritual abuse on our LGBTQ2S+ children to understand what happens when you teach a child that they're not allowed to love. Authentic sharing is the antidote to toxic shame. Fear, disconnection and hiding in the shadows is what fuels the cancer of shame. I know this fear all too well. In fact, I've only been showing you the parts of me that I think are socially acceptable. This is how I've operated for most of my life, I've been hiding behind a mask… but there are other parts of me too… it's only been through decades of extensive therapy and intensive trauma therapy over the past year that I'm starting to see some of my protective parts. Parts of me… not the whole me. Growing up in a fundamentalist background I was never taught about ‘parts'… I was simply taught that I was either good or evil, a saint or a sinner, of God or of Satan. It was this type of harmful thinking that taught me that I was completely broken, a forgotten sinner and an abomination in the eyes of God. It was this type of toxic theology that drove me out in search of nourishment... but the nourishment I found nearly starved me to death. It's time for more of me to step out of the shadows. James www.ThisLittleLightOfMine.CA @MyLightShinesBright
Join Chad Rollo and I as we talk about deconstructing our faith and the importance of being in community with 'fellow travellers' as we journey this wild & windy (and often painful) road towards integrating our faith and sexuality after years of living behind a wall of shame & fear. Growing up so deeply entrenched in an evangelical church-based community and family I know how painful and important questions around faith and sexuality can be. I desperately wanted to wake up one day and to magically have the absolute affirmation and unconditional love, of my church and from my family, without having any conflict and without having to make any changes to the beliefs that I was raised to believe were absolute truth for absolutely everyone... with no exceptions or shades of grey. At many times my sexuality and faith seemed to be oceans apart, and honestly, there were times when I said, ‘screw this! I've been hurt too many times. I've fallen for the ‘all are welcome' ploys for the last time. The continuous gaslighting of being told that people were coming from ‘a place of love' when really, they were projecting their own fears and hate towards how God created me, and towards my I AMness.' This abuse, and it is abuse, was too much. I want to affirm and honour those that need to walk away. I understand that for some you need to love and honour your Knowing and Truth. I get that the abuse, the trauma and the appropriation of God's name to hate instead of love is not healthy and continues to inflict pain. Trust yourself, be kind and gentle with yourself, do whatever you need to create a space of psychological, mental, emotional and spiritual safety. This needs to come first. Know that I see you. And what I am now learning, at my current space of healing, is that this pain, it was a call inward. I needed to go inside to hear and Know God. It was a call to deconstruct some of the lies, fears, false certainties and mistranslations that I was taught by man. I needed to deconstruct so that I could remember God's truth for my life. What I now know, I didn't need to turn my back on my faith. I needed to tune into my faith and turn up the dial in my connection with God. That is what deconstruction is about. Deconstruction isn't a process of destruction… it's a process of attunement, remembering and transformational spiritual growth. Chad's faith looks different than it did years ago, but he wouldn't change a thing. The pain of losing his family still exists and is very real, but Chad knows that God has blessed him with Bill and his family, and a community that loves him for exactly who he is. Chad probably would not have found this place of peace and acceptance if he didn't love and trust himself enough AND if he didn't love and trust God enough to be led through a phase of deconstruction. And just like Chad shared with me, If he had to go through it all again, he would! And as painful as my process of recovery and deconstruction can be, so would I. There is so much hope, strength and love waiting to be remembered. I am so glad you're here and that you're asking such powerful questions. We need you, we need to hear your story. You are wanted, you are worthy. You are loved. James www.ThisLittleLightOfMine.CA IG: @MyLightShinesBright
In today's episode I share what it was like for me growing up in the 90's evangelical church culture and share about one of my worst nightmares coming to life. And from the many stories, comments and messages that you have been sharing online through FB & IG it is very clear that this period in time wasn't an easy, joy-filled or shame free period for so many… not matter where we may have lived on the spectrum of gender or orientation. The 90's evangelical purity culture was an organized strategy started by US conversative groups to convince young people that the Bible requires a severe abstinence code. In response to the HIV/AIDS crisis of the 80's, comprehensive sex education was being introduced to more and more schools across America. This angered many conservative and evangelical lobbying groups like Moral Majority who kicked into high gear… and out popped a full blown (and partially federally funded) purity panic. Were you pure or were you shamed? What were you taught about your sexuality while you were growing up? James @MyLightShinesBright
Hello and welcome to Episode 14 of This Little Light Of Mine. My name is James Powell and I'm glad that you're able to join me for today's episode, ‘The shift'. In today's episode I'm joined by best-selling author, podcaster, and PROGRESSIVE pastor Colby Martin. Colby is passionate about carving out a space within Christianity that includes: a whole-heartedly affirming posture toward LGBTQ individuals, a broader acceptance of other spiritual practices and religious perspectives, an agreeableness toward science, and a commitment to always growing, transforming, and trusting that the best days are yet to come. Colby is one of leading voices of the Progressive Christian movement, he made me cry with his vision for the church in his first book UnClobber – Rethinking our Misuse of the Bible on Homosexuality and introduce me to the incredible voices of Brian McLaren and Glennon Doyle. Colby will be talking about his newly released book The Shift: Surviving and Thriving after Moving from Conservative to Progressive Christianity For those moving from a conservative to progressive sense of Christianity, Colby talks of our need to welcome doubt, welcome questioning, welcome vulnerability. This journey is not about pretending that any human has all the answers or that any of the answers can fit neatly into one of two boxes. I also really appreciate Colby, his story and his approach because he acknowledges (and has experienced) some of the pain, loss, anger and loneliness that the journey forward has… these feelings and all of our feelings are valid and are part of our healing process so that we can grow forward into the full expression of who we were created to be. As much as we might want to (and as much as I have tried), we can't skip over this part. What came up for you as you listened to this conversation with Colby? What questions did it stir inside of you? What anger might have come up? What new hope or insight might have been born? I'd love to hear from you. A huge thank again to Colby Martin for joining us today and for helping set a new course of bringing more love into our world with his new book ‘The Shift'. Thank you so much for joining us today and I look forward to connecting with you in two-weeks' time for our next story episode called ‘PUREity shame' where I share what it was like growing up in the 90's evangelical church culture and share about one of my worst nightmares coming to life. Thank you again for being with us today and before I go I want to remind you. Your story is important. You were designed with a powerful voice. We need to hear what you have to say. Your feelings and your experiences are valid. You have the right to feel safe and be safe. You matter, you are needed, you are wanted, and you are loved. James
In today's episode ‘Gospel gaslighting' I share where some of my emotional arrested development started. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes, including low self-esteem. In short, gaslighting is another's attempt to question your ‘Knowing' or to question your ‘Truth'. The antidote to gaslighting is vulnerability and intimacy. It's taking off the armor. It's going off script and having a heart-to-heart conversation. It's radical transparency, it's mucky, it's messy and it's emotional… because… guess what… we are emotional beings! Instead of teaching ourselves how to reign in our emotions, suppress our feelings, labeling our feelings as good vs. bad we have the opportunity to honour ourselves and each other by bringing our full and wonderfully messy selves into each and every situation. And just to be clear, I'm not saying “bring ALL of your emotions ALL of the time into EVERY situation”, we need to balance this with emotional intelligence and gauge how can I appropriately show my emotions and be human right now. Being told that my inner knowing, my being, my sexuality, my orientation, whatever you want to call it was wrong or it was a choice or something I could get rid of; I always knew that it wasn't. But I was taught to doubt myself, and so many people are taught to doubt who they are, who God created them to be. Our emotions, our feelings, our conscience, our intuition these are our gifts from God. They are what make us unique and they are what we need to fully bring forward, each and every one of us, if we are going to heal forward together. Next episode I will be joined by best-selling author, podcaster, and PROGRESSIVE pastor Colby Martin. Colby is passionate about carving out a space within Christianity that includes: a whole-heartedly affirming posture toward LGBTQ individuals, a broader acceptance of other spiritual practices and religious perspectives, an agreeableness toward science, and a commitment to always growing, transforming, and trusting that the best days are yet to come. Join us next episode as I sit down with Colby Martin! Colby is one of leading voices of the Progressive Christian movement, he made me cry with his vision for the church in his first book UnClobber – Rethinking our Misuse of the Bible on Homosexuality” and introduce me to the incredible voices of Brian McLaren and Glennon Doyle. Colby will be talking about his newly released book ‘The Shift: Surviving and Thriving after Moving from Conversative to Progressive Christianity' I want to give away a free copy of his book ‘The Shift' to a listener of This Little Light Of Mine. For your chance to win all you need to do is subscribe, rate and leave a review of This Little Light Of Mine on Apple Podcasts or on IGTV. Next episode I will choose one of the reviews and send you your very own copy of ‘The Shift'. I have one more surprise. I want to introduce you to Nancy Shadlock, CEO and founder of Centered life coaching and host of The Coming Out Chronicles. Nancy's work as a ‘coming out coach' caught my attention along with her upcoming retreat, appropriately call ‘The Shift' and don't forget to contact Nancy for her superpowers session (I know I'll be reaching out!) Thank you again for being with us today and before I go I want to remind you. Your story is important. Your thoughts are important. Your intuition is important. Your knowing is important. Your questions are important. Your doubting is important. And what if, what if you're not wrong? You are designed with a powerful voice that we need to hear. You are loved. James
Hello and welcome to Episode 12 of This Little Light Of Mine. My name is James Powell and I'm glad that you're able to join me for today's episode, ‘I was wrong'. In today's episode I'm joined with best-selling author, columnist, Anglican cleric and former nightly television and radio host, Michael Coren. Michael and I will be talking about his book Epiphany and “what went wrong” on his journey from being the posterboy of Catholic conservatism towards his profound spiritual and personal change of heart towards the queer community. Michael is a Christian author and broadcaster who hosted the night show ‘The Arena' for four years on Sun News, the Canadian version Fox News in the United States (let that sink in for a minute). Michael was well known for opposing same - sex marriage and was, in Canada, arguably the institution's most high - profile opponent, came to be not only a passionate defender of marriage equality but also a champion of gay rights and an outspoken campaigner for full acceptance of gay people into the Christian church . I would highly encourage you to follow Michael on Twitter @MichaelCoren to experience Michael's social commentary, intellect and homour. A huge thank again to Michael Coren for joining us today and for helping set a new course forward with three simple words “I was wrong”. What about you? As you listen to Michael's words today, as you look around our world, our political landscape or the relationships in your life; could you be wrong about any of your beliefs? Or are you 100% certain? I'm starting to wonder if it's that ‘certainty' that might actually be the sin we should all really be afraid of. Thank you so much for joining us today and I look forward to connecting with you in two-weeks' time for our next story episode called ‘Gospel Gaslighting' where I dive into lessons of hyper-vigilant love I was taught while growing up in an evangelical church. Thank you again for being with us today and before I go I want to remind you. Your story is important. You were designed with a powerful voice, no matter who you are. We need to hear what you have to say. You matter, you are needed, you are wanted, and you are loved. James
Were you ever taught that who you were was wrong, evil, sinful or less than? In today's episode, God hates figs? I'm taking another stroll down memory lane to share some of the messages that I learned around homosexuality as a young boy growing up in a fundamentalist church background. Maybe you're not part of queer community, but perhaps you were taught some of these same toxic messages because of the colour of your skin, your gender, the shape of your body or different abilities you may have? If so, you know the pain of what it's like to keep these hurt filled messages inside. I've spent a lifetime playing nice and hiding this ugliness inside of me. I'm learning that trauma can cause us to betray ourselves, deny our own knowing, and give up on our emotional needs. We do this in an attempt to keep the peace or to keep a relationship the way it is, even if it's no longer serving us. Parts of me still want to protect my family, my church, my youth group leaders and my schoolteachers from sharing this truth. As I continue on my healing path I'm growing and honouring other parts that know that I no longer need to hold this toxicity inside. We heal when we come together and share our stories. What about you from? Are you honouring yourself? Are you making sure that you prioritize your emotional and mental wellbeing? As we continue forward in this global pandemic it's important that we take the time to go within and spend time to acknowledge and feel all of our feelings. Maybe you've been feeling angry and disconnected with yourself and don't understand why? If that could be you, I'd encourage you to take a look at the relationships in your life and ask "am I free to show up and bring all of myself to this relationship?" Living in alignment with yourself is one of the pathways to wellbeing and a great way to be in love... with yourself. James
Looking to create a healthy sex life on your own terms? Matthias Roberts, host of Queerology, therapist and author joins us to share some of his personal experiences with shame AND insights from his new book ‘Beyond Shame'. I really appreciate when a therapist, author and expert on ‘shame' is able to walk the talk when it comes to vulnerability. The definition of vulnerability that Mattias' shared that talks about our capacity to be wounded… that shot an arrow that pierced my soul and gives me a really clear goal to work towards when I think of my own healing path. I've been a big fan of Brene Brown for years and have used her definitions around vulnerability in my own life, with teams at work, in coaching and consulting engagements. She talks about vulnerability as: “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. As I take a step back and look at vulnerability as my capacity of being wounded, I can see how “cleansed”, “socially acceptable” and “corporatized” these definitions are. The capacity to be wounded is next level. It's raw, messy and puts everything on the line. It is also the exact antithesis to how I taught myself to live my life. My entire life objective was DON'T LET THEM SEE HOW HURT YOU ARE. So what about you? Do you live your life from a place of vulnerability? Are you opening yourself to the potential of being wounded with your friends, family or partner? What about work? Do you approach your job from a place of vulnerability, or do you go into every situation with your battle shields up? We live in a society that worships certainty and control so that we don't ever get wounded. Don't ask a question that you don't know the answer to. Have a contingency plan for your contingency plan.Don't ever let them see you cry What if we flipped that switch? What would our world look like? What would your job look like? What would your relationships look like? Who would you be if you lived beyond shame? Thank you so much for joining us today and I look forward to connecting with you in two-weeks' time for our next story episode called ‘God hates figs'… and no it's not an episode about fruits… well actually it is an episode about what I was taught that God thought about fruits… but sidenote… did you know that a fig is actually a flower and not a fruit? Thank you again for being with us today and before I go, I want to remind you. Your story is important. You were designed with a powerful voice. We need to hear what you have to say. You matter, you are needed, you are wanted, and you are loved.
Hello and welcome to Episode 9 of This Little Light Of Mine. My name is James Powell and I'm glad that you're able to join me for today's episode, Seeds of Shame. Before I get started I want to give a big shout out to a few community members who are blowing me away with their sharing, encouragement and insights as we discover, heal and grow forward in love together. Poulami from Lit.Wings in IndiaMark aka NotDefining in the UKSway from Polite but Savage podcast coming out of DubaiHarvey from New ZealandMichael from New York In today's episode I'm taking you WAY back to some of my earliest memories from a pre-school Jimmy (yup… I was Jimmy back then). As I do my own inner child work and travel back to ages 3/4/5/6 I can clearly see the imprint of early trauma and can almost pinpoint where toxic shame entered my life as a young boy. What I've learned in recovery is that trauma comes from the inhibition of emotion AND the earlier in life that you start to block or supress your emotions the deeper the damage can be. As you'll hear in today's episode, when it came to learning about shame, my visceral brain was so quick to learn and remember. In an instant I locked in shame and created an imprint that dominated my future. Once this type of shame-based imprint has been set, ongoing painful experiences that reinforce the original imprint, continue to lay down new pathways in your brain and you become more and more sensitive to painful stimuli as you progress through life… as I look back at my life experience I can see how true this is. In the most basic terms, here's what I'm talking about; once shame sets in it grows and grows until you GO BACK and address things from where they began…. This is the premise of inner child work. This is also why, when it comes to trauma, it is important that we take the time to go back to the source of pain and to lovingly ask powerful questions like “what happened to me?” and you process your trauma. We need to stop running from our trauma, we need to stop having our experiences silenced and we need to stop numbing our painful feelings. We need to process our trauma, feel our feelings and move through them. I hope you enjoy today's episode; Seeds of Shame. James IG: @MyLightShinesBright
In Western cultures we have been trained to label addictions as BAD. They are something that are undesirable, they hurt, they destroy and they kill. Our first trained instinct when the topic of addiction comes up is ‘HOW DO WE STOP IT', ‘how do we get ride of it', ‘how do we help the person just say no drugs/alcohol/sex/food or whatever'. But what if we took another approach? What if we looked at our addictions as gifts? What if instead of immediately jumping into controlling our stopping an addiction we paused and got curious. What if we asked questions like… What is this addiction adding to my life? What pain is this addiction covering up? What larger more overwhelming societal ills does this addiction provide some momentary reprieve. We live in a world where it's easy to say ‘JUST SAY NO' or to prattle off any of other hundreds of celebrity endorsed ANTI-whatever campaigns… but I know we need to do more…. We need to do the really hard work… because WE CAN DO HARD THINGS (right Glennon Doyle… and another shout out for Untamed) In order for us to really heal we need to take a look at the roots. We need to understand ‘what happened to us?', ‘what is it that we are trying to avoid', ‘what is really going on underneath all of our pain?' Is it perceived unworthiness because of our sexual orientation, toxic shame taken on because of our gender expression or is it because you have been told that you are somehow less than because of your gender, your race, your body type or differing physical or mental abilities? These are just some of the root causes of trauma that invite addictions into our lives in an attempt to numb some of the pain that we THINK that we just can't possibly face on our own. Today's guest, Cathy Webber is no stranger to pain. Cathy and I met last year and have shared a number of connection points on our recovery journey together. In today's interview Cathy will share some of her journey and about how she has been able to start seeing the gift in some of her pain. Our conversation today contains topics relating to trauma and addiction and contains personal sharing that includes stories of personal self-harm, drug use and suicidal ideation. If this content triggers you or if you are currently having a mental health crisis I urge you to go to your nearest hospital or call 911. Before we begin today's interview I want to remind all of our listeners of the importance of advocating for yourself, asking for help and reaching out to create your own network of professional mental health support. Do you know anyone who would benefit from today's message? Are there any people in your network who may be struggling with self-worth, addiction or mental health? We would love for you to share This Little Light Of Mine with your network so that you might share a message of strength, encouragement and mental wellness with someone who may be in need right now. Thank you to each and every one of you who have subscribed to This Little Light Of Mine, provided comments and ratings. Your feedback and encouragement really means a lot to me personally AND it helps get our message of unconditional love, hope and healing for ALL out to as many people as possible. Thank you for joining us today, for sharing part of your valuable time with me and I'm looking forward to sharing more of my personal story with you in two weeks-time where I go way back and kick it old school and share one of my first memories of being taught to be ashamed of who I am. Until then… always remember, no matter where you are on your journey, you were created on purpose, you matter, you are wanted, you are needed and you are loved. James
In today's episode of This Little Light Of Mine I share the part of my story where this project first began. In today's episode I take you into my disclosure session with my parents during my stay at a long-term complex trauma and rehabilitation centre in the US. This is where I really started living. I'm thankful that we didn't really have a Pride Weekend in Toronto this year. I'm thankful for chaos, anguish and trauma that we are all living through right now. I'm thankful because I hope this signals the start of our collective awakening. As our world is seemingly falling apart, I know deep within that it has too. We need to break open so that something new can be born. I have to admit that my heart is racing and my breathing is quite shallow after sharing this episode with you. All of my protector parts inside are telling me to reign it in, play it safe and to hit delete. But the deeper I get into recovery, the more I heal, the more I know that I have been giving everything that I need to move forward and use my voice with love. I'm also learning that using my authentic voice doesn't always feel spectacular. In fact, sometimes it's downright scary. In my personal life I'm being presented with a number of opportunities to speak up, share my truth and break some of the social codes of silence that I passively learned to accept over the years. I can see how my privilege gets in the way and how I use that as an excuse not to do what I know is right for me. Using my authentic voice can be hard, it's can be scary and to be honest, sometimes it's easier just to look the other way and hope someone else will speak up. AND that's not the person I was created to be. This path forward may not always be easy but this is the work I believe we all need to do so that something even better can be born. We are better and WE are strong together when we come together. I want to extend a massive thank you to Amanda, Coach Carey and all of the powerful women in my life who continue to teach me, stretch me and longingly help me see my privilege. Amanda, Coach Carey, Erin, Angelique, Muqu, Meghan, Suz, Lynn, Leah & Ashley… I am better for knowing you. I also want to thank each of you for joining us today and a huge thank you to all of you who have subscribed to This Little Light Of Mine, shared your ratings and reviews and provided feedback. Thank you for helping me share a message of unconditional love for ALL people. We will be back in two weeks with a brand new episode with my personal friend Cathy W where she will share her incredible story recovery and talks with us about the ‘Gift of Pain'. So what about you? As you reflect back on today's episode, what comes up for you? Do your insides match your outside? Is there a part inside of you that is yearning to come to the surface? Know that there is greatness in you… let that light shine. The world needs you. You are loved. James. @MyLightShinesBright
Hello and welcome to a special Pride Month BONUS episode of This Little Light of Mine. In season one we're talking about a lot of tough topics from trauma to addiction, systemic racism and gender inequality to coming out to conversion therapy. I wanted to take a hot minute to take a deep breath, throw some glitter in the air and talk about a new take on the elusive pride body… to do that I've partnered with personal trainer and personal friend Byron Fulkerth. Byron will be joining me for five weeks as we celebrate our pride edition of afFIRMation Thursdays. Each Thursday we will be sharing some of Byron's personal intentions, visualizations and affirmations to help pump up your soul so that you can build the ultimate pride body from the inside OUT. A very special thanks to Byron Fulkerth for sharing your passion and expertise with us today and all month long. Check us at on IG and FB at @MyLightShinesBright in each week to see more of Byron and learn how to bring more Pride, Vitality, Strength, Energy and Transformation into your life and into your world. No matter who you are, where you're from, No matter the colour of your skin, your sexual orientation, your gender expression No matter your weight, your body type or how you look… No matter what. You are wanted. You are needed. You are an important part of our world. You have a voice that we need to hear. You are worthy love…. And you are loved. Happy Pride. James.
In today's episode of This Little Light of Mine I'm going to be speaking with Jonathan Brower who knows a little bit about NOT CHANGING (as in not changing your sexual orientation, based on what someone else believes SHOULD be true for your life). As I introduced on the last episode of TLLOM, Jonathan has been through conversion therapy programs four times… yes… FOUR TIMES! There has been lots in the news recently about conversation therapy. And Jonathan Brower was intimately involved in the very recent ban of conversion therapy in the city of Calgary Alberta. As they do with systemic racism, gender inequality & oppression churches around the world continue to do an excellent job masquerading their practices of hate, discrimination and exclusion for queer people so that they APPEAR as offering message of HOPE and CHANGE coming from the ‘one and only true word of God' or as compassionate offer of help, out of true love & concern '… spoiler alert… let's call it what it is. HATE. I found Jonathan's story fascinating and it helped me see the politics behind conversation therapy and how real and dangerous this practice still is today in both Canada and the United States. Interview Rundown (3:40) Interview with Jonathan Brower(4:38) My calling to be a pastor(4:47) Becoming a Christian out of fear(5:30) First gay crush at 10(6:30) Being taught shame (13:40) I Can't believe it's Christian music playlistChristian Music Mix(17:53) Not getting into heaven(18:32) But I can change(19:06) Bullied(20:42) I wanted conversion therapy(21:26) I need help(23:14) Conversion therapy defined(26:03) Starting reparative therapy(41:45) spiritual and emotional abuse(42:09) I'd rather be hit(45:30) Gaslighting(48:15) Challenges with sexual intimacy(54:29) Treated like garbage(1:01:04) Conversion therapy today(1:08:27) Does Justin Bieber support homophobia(1:13:05) How can we help? Take action Jonathan Brower and I wanted to make your FIRST step as simple as possible. We have created our #BanConversionTherapy Workbook, a guide to saving kids' lives. Here is a link to that free resource https://bit.ly/BanConversionGuide Thank you for joining us today and a huge thank you Jonathan Brower for sharing his personal story and for using his voice to help learn more and show us how we can be part of the solution. Every single one of us has a unique voice that has been designed TO BE HEARD. You have a voice. There is greatness in you… let that light shine. The world needs you. We hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you did, please remember to share, rate and review. We would also love to hear your thoughts, comments and opinions. Drop us a note hello@ThisLittleLightOfMine James
We need to save our kids. We can no longer afford to ignore the psychological, spiritual, emotional and mental abuse that the church inflicts on children when they teach that any of God's children are less than, unworthy of love or unable to love in the way that God has designed them to love. We have another big episode in-store for you today. Here's what's coming up… Full show notes available at TLLoM.CA I'm going to hit pause on my story for this episode to set the record straight around some of the questions that have been coming in. (3:20) Light background questions (6:34) Does my family accept me? (7:10) Triggered in LA - why are you doing this? (15:50) Offended by the term “gay Christian” (17:22) Are you doing this just because you're angry? (18:53) What I think we should be angry about (18:58) Queer youth suicide rates Special thanks to TrevorProject.org (20:33) Queer youth mental health and substance abuse Special thanks to RTOR.org (21:56) Unacceptable (23:13) Someone needs to scream fire (23:55) You are loved unconditionally (25:51) Heaven is a place on earth (27:54) Surprise update (28:30) Homework assignment Visit TLLoM.CA to download your assignment now Special thanks to ChurchClarity.org for providing our homework questions (32:09) What messages do we want to teach our children? We hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you did, please remember to share, rate and review. We would also love to hear your thoughts, comments and opinions. Drop us a note hello@ThisLittleLightOfMine.CA You are loved. James.
One of the big reasons for starting TLLoM is my belief that we grow, heal and shine when we authentically share our stories. With this belief I want to use this platform to have conversations with other queer people of faith, trauma survivors, people in recovery and people hungry for a deeper spiritual connection in their life. My hope is that today's episode will spark something inside of you, open your eyes and your heart to seeing something from another perspective and challenge you to bring more of your own personal story out into the light. I think you'll enjoy today's episode with Father Michael Cassabon. LISTENER ADVISORY: this episode may contain triggers for some. Topics in this episode include: sexual abuse, trauma, suicide, exorcism, addiction & conversion therapy For full show notes visit www.ThisLittleLightOfMine.CA Here's a rundown of our interview (3:46) Being a Priest was my DRAG - Interview with Father Michael Cassabon Father Michael Cassabon joins for a conversation about what it was like to grow up gay in the Catholic tradition. Michael shares his experiences attending seminary at the Vatican, talks about being outted, being labelled ‘disordered' by the church for his same-sex attraction and what shifted in his life to help in love himself enough to get married to his husband. Michael's background: Greenville SCApologeticsBob Jones UniversityFundamentalismNewman Club (6:06) Catholic Church is the ONE true church The Rock of St Peter (8:08) My first sense of being “different” (8:19) How I learned being gay was unacceptable (10:50) Being gay pushed me further into my faith (11:50) The first person I told that I was gay Being groomedFacts about child sexual abuse (14:10) Going to school at The Vatican SeminaryVaticanJesuit University - The GregorianOpus Dea UniversityThe Code of Cannon Law - yes, very dry.How the sausage gets made (18:10) - Shun your same sex attraction Same sex attraction (according to Focus on the Family)EWTN Exodus InternationalCourage InternationalLies and danger of conversation therapyMar 2020, Canada tables motion to ban conversation therapy Conversion therapy across the USEx-gay movement in North America is on the rise TODAYChanged Movement from Bethel Church (22:45) Left handed boys are more apt to be gay (24:50) Being DISORDERED Catholic teachers being fired for being gay in 2020! (27:55) I nearly killed myself while in conversion therapy Gay Exorcisms (30:30) It's a sin to question Father (31:24) My father is dying of cancer (35:20) Coming out to my Father (42:12) Being a priest was my drag Laicized / Defrocked (50:28) We must be careful with religion around children (1:00:30) If you can't love yourself (1:01:20) What's next for Michael (1:03:54) Rapid Fire Finish (1:07:30) Show Close Share your voice questions What would your life look like if you had been born into a completely affirming world? eg – religious institutions were 100% affirming of LGBTQ people, no racism, discrimination, a world where everyone loved and respected each other.Have you ever been told that you were unworthy, unwanted or unlovable? Who told you this and at what age? What impact did these messages have on your life? We hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you did, please remember to share, rate and review. We would also love to hear your thoughts, comments and opinions. Drop us a note hello@ThisLittleLightOfMine.CA You are loved. James.
Welcome to episode two of This Little Light Of Mine. My name is James Powell and I'm thrilled to have you join me on this personal journey of healing, discovery and possibility. (3:02) LISTENER ADVISORY: this episode may contain triggers for some. Topics in this episode include: sexual abuse, trauma, suicide, exorcism, addiction & conversion therapy For full show notes visit www.ThisLittleLightOfMine.CA Here's a rundown of S01E02: I've been struggling to use my voice for decades. This has been an ongoing internal battle that, only recently, have I been able to face my fears and trust that I'm being led forward. In the second part of my story I start to talk about deeply personal events from last year that nearly broke me and had me call out for surrender. Thank you so much for listening to part of my personal story today. If you're willing I want to hear part of yours. Has God/Your Inner Knowing/Or A Higher Power ever whispered a message to you, urged you to create something or help someone? What fears get in the way of you doing what you know you were created to do?If you could change your life by changing one belief you have about yourself (or that others have about you) what would that belief be? I love hearing from you and would love to journey this path forward together. Reach out on IG @MyLightShinesBright or visit me at thislittlelightofmine.ca and check out our get involved section where you can find space to actually add your voice and share part of your story. You are loved James.
Welcome to the first episode of This Little Light of Mine. My name is James Powell and I'm thrilled to have you join me on this personal journey of healing, discovery and possibility. For full show notes visit www.ThisLittleLightOfMine.CA Here's a rundown of S01E01: (3:52) Chapter 1 – Starting the world's first, fully affirming LGBTQ Baptist Church In the first part of my personal story, learn all the many things that fell into place that gave me self-esteem, strength and vision to allow this almost unbelievable transformation that to happen. (22:23) Chapter 2 – Somewhere over the rainbow: Interview with Rev. Dr. Brent Hawkes In the interview portion of today's episode I'm joined with civil rights & LGBTQ icon Rev. Dr. Brent Hawkes. If you don't know Brent, he had the honor to officiate the first legal same sex marriages in the WORLD. He shares what his dream is for the church, advice for parents raising children in non-affirming churches and what he's building now to bring more love into the world… and how you can get involved. (22:32) Brent's Top 5 Career Highlights(22:45) #1 - Finding his people(25:22) #2 - First legal same-sex marriages in the world(27:54) #3 - State funeral for Jack LaytonJack Layton was Canada's Nancy Pelosi/Joe Biden combinationNDP Party of CanadaOlivia Chow(29:47) #4 - Order of CanadaGovernor General's OfficeKnighted in EnglandOrder of Canada Pin(32:41) #5 - Individual Impact(34:51) - Your sexuality is your gift from God(36:52) - First feeling of shame for being gay(39:40) - Finding my calling outside an adult bookstoreThe AdvocateTroy Perry(40:50) - Praying away the gay(54:40) - Guidance to parents raising children in non-affirming churches(59:37) - Rainbow Faith & FreedomGet involved with Rainbow Faith & Freedom Donate to Rainbow Faith & FreedomGlobal Justice Institute(1:00:54) - Brent's Vlog(1:06:40) - Who inspires Brent(1:07:16) - Advice to the 8y/o Brent(1:07:35) - What's stopping churches from affirming(1:09:48) - Women in faith communities(1:10:13) - The church needs to apologizeCharles Fensham - Misguided Love (1:12:48) - Share your voice questions What would your life look like if you had been born into a completely affirming world? eg – religious institutions were 100% affirming of LGBTQ people, no racism, discrimination, a world where everyone loved and respected each other.Have you ever been told that you were unworthy, unwanted or unlovable? Who told you this and at what age? What impact did these messages have on your life? We hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you did, please remember to share, rate and review. We would also love to hear your thoughts, comments and opinions. Drop us a note hello@ThisLittleLightOfMine.CA You are loved. James. Special thanks to Lisa M. Grey and Sound Mind Production for the strategic and loving production guidance for my very first podcast episode.
Hi, My name is James Powell and I want to introduce you to This Little Light of Mine. This Little Light of Mine is a tale of terror to trauma to what I intend to become triumph. Join me as I find my voice by sharing what happened in my life as a result of being taught that I was not allowed to love. This Little Light of Mine is a raw, soul-searching journey of healing, forgiveness and recovery. Journey with me as I heal the wounds of growing up gay in the Evangelical Church, being a ‘scene queen' and seeking validation in the gay village and searching for my worth in the world of advertising and marketing. This project is my return to love and my starting point in building a progressive and inclusive spiritual community that focuses on bringing people together for healing, forgiveness, joy, abundance and love. In each episode I will share part of my personal story followed by meaningful and vulnerable conversations with other LGBTQ+ people of faith, trauma survivors, people in recovery or individuals questioning their faith, purpose or relationships. I believe that healing comes through connection and I'm looking forward to community-generated episodes featuring your comments, thoughts and stories so please reach out and connect with me. I want to hear from you and include you in this community. To the LGBTQ children growing up in religious communities today, to anyone who may have been hurt by manmade religious dogma and to those who have completely turned their back on God, This Little Light of Mine is dedicated to you. You are loved unconditionally by God who made you exactly as you are. You are worthy of this love and it is your birthright. You, your heart, your mind, your body, your spirit, your gender expression, your sexuality and the way you love, are created perfectly in God's image. You were created on purpose and your purpose is to fully love yourself, connect deeply with others and share your love with the rest of the world. Episodes of This Little Light of Mine are coming this Spring. Subscribe now, invite your friends, your family and members of your spiritual community. I can't wait to light up the world together with you. See you soon. James.
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