Something to Hold Onto

Connor Christensen loved Batman. No but really loved Batman - like wanted to be Batman. He loved taking care of his little sister Lizzie who died when Connor was just 3 years old. And from then on Connor loved kids. He was a swim teacher that knew not just the kids names but the parents names too. He played the drums in his high school marching band and was an Eagle Scout. Connor had some dark times too. His conflict inside overtook him and he died by suicide in the Fall of 2022. His mom Megan said, “Right after Connor died every single breath was hard.” She had already experienced a child dying from a chromosomal disorder when Lizzie was just 14 months old. Megan's body went into shock and devastation again. In this episode she shares what trauma therapy has helped her in her grief journey. So many family and friends helped her as well. At times, it was overwhelming to return their texts. That's when the Orange Hearts began. Orange was a Connor's favorite color. Now anytime anyone is thinking of her or Connor they simply send an orange heart

“I wanted to know her longer….” Haven Pike shares about her friend Laurie, who wasn't a friend she anticipated having. A friend that came by surprise. Laurie was quirky and thoughtful. She sought out Haven at church and then became a dear friend, an unexpected one that was happy and lively. Hawaiian dresses and Birkenstocks her outfit of choice. Haven said, “Laurie was the most joyous human being. She was so true to who she was. I wish I had known her my whole life!” The connection they had brought a new perspective of friendship to Haven.

I met Scot & Jen Whetman through a mutual friend who made bears for them out of their son Braydon's clothes. They have such big hearts and have passed that on to their son Braydon. Braydon was a giver. He had a rough shell around him but was a giant teddy bear inside. A self taught guitarist, Braydon learned from the womb to love classic rock

Charlene Cornell honors and shares about her dad, John Christian Cornell in this episode. He was the family chef and family meant everything to him. He was always there, always home, always giving. John worked outside the home as well partnering with his wife to provide for the family. The two of them loved to dance. He'd be caught dancing and singing in the house. Charlene also noticed him pondering at the kitchen sink. She noticed it more the Christmas before he died of colon cancer. "I wonder what he was thinking," she said as she reflected on how she finds herself doing the same thing

MaryKate met her Jorge in the testing center at college. She thought he was so cute

Professional Jazz Musician, Mel Shore shares her journey of heartache, resilience and healing. After living in NYC, Broadway musical tours and seeing the world, she met her husband Scott online. After going out with him she said, “Something about him felt like home.” They had a beautiful winter wedding. Scott planned it all and even baked the cake! They spent the season skiing and just being together. Their beautiful connection ended way too soon when Scott died after a tonsillectomy surgery. Mel said, “Grief is love.” She said her grief journey has helped her see people in a better way. She and a friend who is also a widow started their Widow We Do Now podcast which reaches and helps so many.

Mel had an infectious laugh, a knack for story telling and fierce family loyalty. He had a very specific breakfast routine which included pepperoni sticks and cheese for the dogs. He loved watching nature and would call out to everyone when he'd see a bird. He served in the Air National Guard. Disney and snowbird were his favorite places. And games were always in the plans. He was all about family! He is tenderly missed❣️

Life long friends of Janette Jones Nelson, Laura Kenner and Janette Halpin share memories and glimpses into her life. In April of 2020, Janette Nelson was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Right at the beginning of covid she underwent surgery. For 10 days she was on her own in the hospital. Her dear husband Greg (who said she was the most beautiful girl when he saw her in a college class) only able to see her on FaceTime. Janette had bright hopes of outlasting her 9 month to live prognosis. With her gift of faith and will to beat the odds she saw her middle son married and her youngest son graduate from high school. Janette's oldest son is autistic and her degree in special education along with her energetic personality helped in raising him and being his ultimate primary care giver. Laura and Janette share fun memories from high school and college where Janette Nelson was always in the middle of anything fun. Janette loved the mountains - skiing in the winters and hiking in the summers. Her memory will live on through her family and army of friends that hold glimmers of her in their hearts.

Jill met Rodney the first day of law school. He was kind. They studied together, dated and married their 3rd year of law school. They started a beautiful family and when their son Noah was 3 years old and Jill was pregnant with their daughter Sam, Rodney was diagnosed with a rare brain tumor. So much ache filled Jill as she lost her Rodney before Sam was born. Years later she met Jay. He was full of life and lots of energy. They fell in love and the kids adored him. Jill and Jay decided to add one more to the family and Quinn came to share in the joy! When Quinn was 4 yrs old Jay had a seizure and ended up being diagnosed with the same rare brain tumor. Jill described losing both the loves of her life as lightning bolts of grief to her heart. Through friends and her kids, Jill has been able to remember who she is and who she can be and has a new dream to create a cottage of healing for kids growing up in grief.

Ursula Barboza lost her son, Gabriel (age 4), to an accident. He was a special little boy. Something was different about him from the very beginning. She said, “There a lot of things we don't understand in this life. It's like a puzzle with pieces that fit together here or fit there.” Her wisdom in what she has learned from her grief journey is priceless. As a grief therapist now, she is changing lives and healing hearts. She had a daughter that was not even a month old when Gabriel died. Having to get up and take of her when Ursula didn't ever want to get out of bed saved her life.

I love Lucy and love that I get to share a little of her with you! She's always made me feel a part of the family and always shares her love. We talk about the tradition of music, football, Bear Lake, Survivor Nights, making gingerbread houses and more. She lost her husband Doug, seven years ago and her son a year before that. Both too soon. She shares how friends and family carry you through and help you along

Gena's best friend, Desiree Cooper-Larsen died in 2021 due to complications of COVID-19. Des was a passionate teacher, leader, mentor, advocate and friend.  Her life was devoted to her husband , family, community, and education.   Gena said that when Desiree walked into a room she filled it up with beauty and fun! That's what happened when they met doing the rodeo thing in high school. They went to different schools but in this sport you helped each other out even though you were competitors. People wanted to be around Des. And she made people better. She qualified for the National High School Rodeo Finals in barrel racing. She danced her way on stage to win Miss Lehi and won the title of Miss Rodeo Lehi.  She went on to become Miss Rodeo Utah in 1979.  She won the coveted speech award at Miss Rodeo America. She was known for her sense of style, strong determined spirit, and larger than life presence. The friendship of this dynamic duo made things happen. From PCRA rodeo fashion shows to Ogden Pioneer Days… everything done with glitz, class and fun! Des was the heart and soul of the Ogden Pioneer Days Celebration. She worked endlessly to build a world class PRCA Hall of Fame Rodeo. She will be remembered for bringing the distinguished honor of being selected as a Top 5 PRCA Rodeo of the Year for 13 years. Des is the one and only woman to chair the celebration in its 87-year history.  To inspire those she taught and mentored she would say be “10 Feet Tall and Bullet Proof, Baby”. No doubt those words and her encouragement will carry on in all the hearts of those she influenced and loved

I met Allison 17 years ago when her brother, Robert, died. He was their family's rock. She describes him as the strong, silent type and a ton of fun! He was a wonderful father and husband. After his death from melanoma at age 38, Allison watched her parents grieve. “It crushed them,” she said. It was more than just an emotional loss. Their health deteriorated as well. Years later, in 2021, Allison's family had another loss when their dad died followed by their mom just a few months later. Kendall and Marva Hatch created a beautiful, strong bonded family. In their grief for their parents and brother years before, they lean on the strength their parents built. Marva was a shop til you drop fashionista, who loved her family and friends. She just loved people and was a huge fan of the Utah Jazz! Kendall worked in insurance and practiced law. He was an avid fly fisherman, golfer and President of the Utah Historical Society for years. They both never missed the kids and grandkids games and events. They were the most non-judge-mental people. They didn't die of covid but they died sooner than they would have because of covid. Allison could see it and said, “We are not meant to be alone.”

“Peace begins with a smile” - Mother Teresa. Sometimes, when we share a smile even when we don't want to, it makes us feel better. A smile is contagious. Try the smile game. And spread smiles across the country! It's starts with just one. Try it! Just smile

My dad loved the mountains. The beauty and the uphill trail all come into our lives. Grateful for my dad's example to notice the beauty. It helps to balance the heavy part of grief. Honoring our loved ones and all those who have fought to keep us free

Lisa met her mother in law, Helen Hanson, the day she was marrying Helen's youngest son Jim. Helen and Lester Hanson lived on a 1500+ fruit tree farm in Pennsylvania. They began this fruit tree journey after retirement age and enjoyed seeing their hard working efforts pay off. In later years, they lived in Utah where they connected more with family and had cherished time with grandchildren. Lisa loved lunch and shopping outings with Helen. Lisa said, “Helen never said anything negative about anyone. She really cared about people.” Sweet Helen would answer the phone and say, “Hold on a minute.”

Nicole's dad, Blaine Eugene Sylvester, died 20 years ago, exactly 6 months after 9/11. “My dad was everything. My dad was truly my hero,” she says. When her dad was young about 9 or 10 years old, he was told he had rheumatic fever and the doctor said he could never play sports. He didn't let that stop him. He played professional baseball for the the St. Louis Cardinals, was an NBA referee and a college coach. He did everything he wanted to do. He would always share quotes and wisdom. “Don't let the fear of striking out keep you out of the game,” and “there are those that make it happen, those that watch it happen and those that wonder what happened” are quotes Nicole remembers him saying over and over again. He has continued to encourage her and bless her life even still. She recently opened a yoga studio in the middle of covid. A bold new journey that she was worried about. When visiting her mom they had turned on the TV and Field of Dreams was on. Of course her dad's favorite movie. She knew he was reminding her to keep going that if “she would build it they would come.” She misses her dad every day but has drawn light out of her grief and used gratitude to take baby steps forward. She is blessing the lives of others in her divine path and with her beautiful light ✨

Aunt Marj was the best. “She never missed a birthday or an anniversary,” said Debbie Tamcke. She was thoughtful and kind. She married later in life at age 40 and raised sheep with her husband on their ranch in Montana. When the nieces and nephews' kids participated in rodeos, Marj collected all her Olive Garden coupons and took the family to dinner. Marj loved caring about her friends and they cared about her too. Lockdowns during the recent pandemic were hard. Marj in her 90's learned how to use a cellphone and FaceTime became the window to her family. The last text Debbie saved from her Aunt Marj said, “Call me.”

Diedra met her Kenneth while she was temporarily living in Virginia. He was in the Navy and she was there enjoying the beach and house sitting her brother's apartment while he was deployed. When her brother returned he told Diedra she was going to marry Kenneth which took her by surprise but she knew they just fit together. Diedra and Kenneth raised a beautiful biracial family where they knew they were loved and safe. Diedra shared how skin color is not the most important thing and that we are all the same color on the inside. One friendship at a time can help the understanding come and the healing begin. Sadly, in the middle of 2020, when the whole country was experiencing loss, Diedra had a tragic phone call letting her know of her own deep loss. Kenneth died on impact in a motorcycle accident. In her heartache, she remembers God wrapping arms around her and that she felt God in control. Her beautiful surprise was realizing that her love with Kenneth just didn't stop but that their relationship grows everyday. She loves being the keeper of the memories and sees his great characteristics and virtues in each of their kids. Kenneth lives on through them.

Kelly Phillipson, mom to Curtin, told me from the very beginning that her son's entire mission was to bring their family to Jesus. She shares how her Curtin had the biggest smile and the biggest heart. He loved Jesus with an obedient love. Being born with Down syndrome was not a stumbling block but a blessing. Although in his little life he had physical struggles like open heart surgery, viral pneumonia, cancer and blood clots, he healed the Phillipson family in ways that can't be quantified. He had a mission to love and to save through Jesus.

This dynamite couple met on Match. What drew Cindy to Greg was his drive for life. He had so many careers. He was a sharp shooter for the special forces in the Army. He was a pilot and an ER doctor. He was the medical director for many companies but loved being the medical director and trainer over the California state parks. He taught so many life guards and EMT's setting in motion protocols that would save thousands of lives. He had an enthusiasm for life that drew Cindy to him. They traveled and had adventures together. She's so grateful for the time they had together. She misses him so much but tries to remember the good to stay positive. He influenced so many for good

Kim and Todd Olsen are not strangers to loss and grief. As a young mom, Kim lost her husband and 4 year old in a car accident. Then 11 years ago Tods and Kim lost their US Marine son, Nigel, who was serving in Afghanistan. They said, “He died doing what he loved.” Nigel was so patriotic as a young boy. He asked his Dad to put in a flag pole in the backyard so that he could fly the flag. Nigel always wanted military costumes for Halloween. He joined the Marine Corp right out of high school. He dreamed of serving his country his whole life. Kim and Todd share sweet and tender experiences about their son who was always kind and always giving. They remind us that we need to “realize grief..you can't go around it you have to go through it” and that “remembering the blessings” along with family and beliefs help in healing. Thank you for your service Nigel K. Olsen

I love how Latin America celebrates the Day of the Dead and how they remember their loved ones, honor them and invite them back. It's been a bit of a hard month and I have needed my Dad. I have felt him and seen him in the little white butterflies that have been on my path. We need each other. We are not alone in our grief or anxiety or depression. Please reach out. I also share about a sweet little girl and the video of her with her Grandpa bears. Priceless!!

Donna and Denise became more like sisters rather than friends after their firefighter husbands died. Mike (Denise) and Joe (Donna) were two out of 15 of the firefighters of Engine 54 Ladder 4 Battalion 9 on shift that day. As these women talk about their husbands you can feel their deep love and grief they have. They find comfort knowing their guys are watching over them. Donna and Denise also share how their pain doesn't diminish but that you need to let people in. They are each others ropes. Calling to check in even in the middle of the night. They share some sweet advice about making peace and being kind. On a personal note…. I love these dear women and will forever be connected to them

Open to Hope's Dr. Heidi Horsley interviewed me and Dave Turner on her show in NYC. Dave lost 15 of his firefighter brothers in the 9/11 attacks. He's talks of what helps him cope with such a big loss. 20 years later faith, prayer and talking it out still help in healing. “It's a tough ride but you can get through it,” he said. We also talk about our connection in getting Carrie Bears in the arms of the FDNY families. I share a new children's book I just put together called “Heroes of 9/11”. A tribute to the true heroes who saved so many. A book for a new generation to help them never forget.

Elna Berlin was a great mom. To her kids and the neighborhood. Her husband was a truck driver so she was on her own a bit raising the kids. She loved holidays and birthdays and made everyone feel special. She loved the color red and loved coke and after collecting a room full and more of Coca Cola memorabilia she became the COKE LADY. If you google KSL Coke lady you can view a few segments about this great lady. She left a legacy of love and connection. “Laugh, smile and have a Coke.”

Marti's first loss was at age eight when her childhood friend died of cancer. Her younger brother, Mark, died while fixing their mom's car. She later lost her father in law, Dad and Mom all in less than six months. Because of all she has gone through she has a huge, empathetic heart. Her wisdom in suggesting to feel the loss in your own timing and to let them know you love them is so helpful and important in a grief journey. “It's hard but you can do it,” she reminds us all

Tricia’s dad died at the end of her high school year. She was a senior. Pancreatic cancer was the culprit that took her dad, Gordon, in just a few short months after being diagnosed. Gordon was a happy, funny guy. Maybe a bit of a goofball. He was always smiling

David Glen Rees was a really young 74 year old. He worked hard and enjoyed life. He owned a farm and an electronics store that included video rentals back in the day. Sheryl was the middle of his three daughters. He taught them to work hard and to enjoy whatever they were doing. He taught them that “this needs to be done before the fun.” He was a great teacher. He loved milk and thought it would cure any ailment. Sheryl’s dad was so healthy until he got Covid. He rarely even took a Tylenol. He thought he would be fine. Sheryl would have talked about different things had she known it would be her last conversation with her Dad. After he was put on a ventilator, it was just a matter of time that Covid would take his life. She had a sweet experience the day after that helped her know it was his time to go.

Even before she was born, Carla was always called Toot. She met Mike and his twin brother Pat when they lived in the same neighborhood growing up. Mike’s twin died while they were in college. Toot said that they were married at an early age likely because, “The person that was always beside him was gone and he needed to fill that void.” Later they would name their son Pat to honor Mike’s twin. Mike and Toot were soulmates. They were married for 45 years! “We were just destined to work through whatever we needed to work through.” It never crossed her mind that they would need to work through cancer. When they heard that news they were numb. Mike started treatments right away and really thought he’d beat it but pancreatic cancer had been inside him for 15 years without him knowing and took his life in 4 short months. In grief, Toot says to just say something. A touch or a hug or a phone call means so much. In thinking about Mike, Toot remembers the song she had played at his funeral by Garth Brooks “I could have missed the pain, but i’da had to miss The Dance.” She treasures all the time she had with her Mike. Toot’s mom, age 95, died this last year during the pandemic. “It was gut wrenching not to be with her and seeing her through the window just so frightened. She didn’t understand why we had left her alone.” It broke Toot’s heart. Despite all of the pain Toot continues to give back to others ...to laugh and to live.

When Dale McIntosh came to order Carrie Bears, I had no idea the incredible connection we were about to discover. His wife Nellie was my girls camp counselor about 35 years prior. (See episode #2 for details). In this episode, Dale talks about how he and Nellie fell in love, how she taught him to LOVE PEOPLE, and have fun. It was discovered at just age 51 that Nellie had early onset Alzheimer’s. She died just a few years later. Dale said, “The movie The Greatest Showman saved me.” They went to see it over 30 times. Nellie relived the whole thing every time she saw it including dancing in the isles. After she started to have seizures everything went down hill from there. She told Dale to “find another hottie to marry”. She wanted him to be happy again... and he wanted that too. He found Kimberly just a year after he lost his Nellie. Kimberly’s spouse has died also. Together they are on a new journey. Not forgetting their first loves, but remembering together

Michelle Lehnardt was named young mother of the year in 2013. She has 5 sons and one daughter. She is a writer, photographer, parenting coach and has done a documentary on grief. Her own life lessons and thoughts about when her mom died provide profound insights into each grief journey. Michelle said her mom, Zo, died beautifully. She looked outward instead of inward in her last days. “We shy away from grief, where we really should talk about it more,” Michelle shares.“Every day is precious. Every opportunity is precious.” (scenesfromthewild.net)

My grandma, Dora Annette Sander Gray, knew about sorrow and grief at an early age. She lost her sister, Irene at age 9. My grandma was just 4 years old. My grandma also shared about when her grandma died. She worked for the Union Pacific Railroad and vacationed and travelled by train. When she got married, she and my grandpa took a six week honeymoon on the train which she would not recommend. It was just too long to be gone

Max was a gamer. He was funny and full of life. He was real and just told it like it was. He also suffered from ADD and depression. His parents Jana and Steve Warner talk all about their son with laughter and heartache in this episode. They felt like the medication he was on was working. They didn’t realize he was also self mediating. They celebrate him by decorating his grave on special occasions. He loved McDonald’s hash browns (10 of them) and Dr. Pepper. They think about the memories they made with him to get them through. Neighbors, friends and their faith help keep them going.

“Every day is a gift” was the philosophy of Rachel’s dad, Harold Dean Trimble. A tumor was discovered in between her dad’s ear drum and brain when Rachel was in second grade. Several more cancerous spots would later appear in his liver, intestines and gallbladder. “He loved life,” Rachel said, “he respected it, cherished it and made it count.” Rachel’s dad and mom are examples of strength and amazing faith. He is also remembered for his banana milkshakes and fresh raspberry ice cream

In this episode I share about my worry in fixing a motor for my stuffing machine. Sometimes miracles take time. Sometimes they don’t come in the way we think they should. But I know God hears our prayers. I know He is in the details of our lives. I know He wants to help us and knows what we need even before we ask. I am SO grateful for His guidance and for the many blessings he gives... even in the form of helping me with a motor for my stuffing machine.

Brent’s dad, Gary, died two years ago after suffering from a stroke and a hardened carotid artery. Gary was Brent’s best example of hard work but his dad also took time to coach soccer and be there to support his kids in all of their events. Gary was a wrestler in college. He loved westerns and Louis L’Amour books. Most of all he loved his family. It is hard not to have him around as a grandpa for his kids but Brent takes comfort in knowing it isn’t the last time he will see he dad.

It was just a cold. Just a few days of being sick, when Bobbie took her daughter into the doctor. What seemed like something so little, turned into a life changing 72 hours and then 72 days. Bobbie said she can imagine her daughter telling her to just “Get Going”. She misses her but keeps herself busy to help with this great loss.

Alexa was only 22 when her dad died in a ski accident. She recently started @griefshine on Instagram where she brings more awareness to grief journeys and how we can be happy and sad at the same time. She shares in this episode ways she has been able to honor her dad including a family trip to Peru. She says how she just felt so dark after his death and wanted to find light. “You find your brightness again, I promise, you really do,” ~ Alexa

Robyn is the youngest of 5 kids in her family so she was able to spend lots of time with just her parents. They loved and taught her many things. They continue to bless her life even after they have both died. I Love You A Bushel and a Peck is something her dad always sang to her

When I was a little girl, my dad would wink at me. It always made me feel like everything was ok - that I was loved and safe. God is winking and waving at us.... in the little and the big things. He is watching over us and he if we look for them we can find the miracles even in the middle of a pandemic.

Jane Nichols lost her son in a battle with cancer. Garrett, who was lovingly nicknamed GarBear, was only 21 when he died of cancer that started in his knee. He was all about living. He taught his mom to rock climb and in doing so helped her later to see how to be “clipped in” and “harnessed” to God. Jane shares how God has our back and HE is in charge. She said, “Maybe we didn’t have a miracle of healing but there were many other miracles.” This family takes their GarBear Carrie Bear on all of their hiking and biking adventures!

Lashell Johnson shares about her son who died in a bike accident. He loved magic and being in nature. Biking and hiking and working in Yellowstone was where her Anthony found joy. His journals are priceless to her. Finding comfort in his words has been healing.

Chelsea talks about how everybody loved her mom! She lived life to the fullest and wanted to pass along that life is to be joyful! Chelsea’s mom didn’t have anything on her bucket list just wanted to spend time with family. Between making memories and family music videos in Mexico, collecting heart rocks and cheering others on with cow bells she left a legacy of love and JOY!

Lorene de St. Aubin has had her own losses but has also been able to help others as a Hospice Chaplain and grief support facilitator. She has been a wonderful spiritual support to those who are dying and their families by being present and sometimes just “holding the space”. She has also seen the way people come together to help each other in a grief group setting. She reminds us to, “Be patient with yourself. There’s no timeline. Just be in it.”

Anna Marie Perkins, mother of an amazing son and daughter talks about helping her son after a stroke in his teenage years. Her daughter was in a car accident and became paralyzed 6 years later and she recently lost her husband in their golden years. Her sweet strength and good attitude about all of life’s losses is truly inspiring. She says, “Friends and family are a lifeline - you can’t do it alone”

Lori shares her thoughts about losing a spouse and how life is never the same. Your social life changes, you are not a couple anymore, you lose your livelihood but there are good things that come. After taking her kids on a boating trip soon after her husband (David C. Greene) died she reflects “I think that from that point forward my kids knew that whatever it was - we could do it!” She also shares that you can come out on the other side and still choose to be happy

Eighteen years ago Jenn lost her husband in a car accident. She had two little girls at the time and their world changed in an instant. She shares her story full of heartache, strength (even though she didn’t want to be strong) and her deep love for other widows. “I’ve learned far more in His plan than on mine.”

In this episode we visit with Shirley Dennison who talks about her sweetheart of 63 years. How kind words strengthened their marriage and home and how helping others helps her heart find joy as she misses him.

A visit with my oldest boys, twins, who lost their grandma at age 10 and then their grandpa at age 25. The different perspectives of grief that age and time brings. “In Moments of grief we reach for things we have already felt and know to satisfy it....letting it be a part of you.” I am so proud to be their mom

A visit with Liz Wixom Johnsen sharing the tidbits of memories and wisdom of her grandma - sweet Mary Mix. The magic of love, a good heart and knowing what source to look to in our lives