Parenting Post-Wilderness

"I'm sorry" might be the hardest two words to say to your teen. But what if apologizing is actually the key to rebuilding trust and connection?In today's episode, I sit down with therapist Dana VanRenterghem to unpack the real challenge of taking accountability with our teens and young adults. We dive into those messy moments when emotions run high, technology fails, and communication breaks down, and explore how a genuine apology can transform your relationship with your struggling teen or young adult.We'll explore why parents struggle to apologize to their kids and how our own emotional baggage gets in the way of meaningful repair. Dana also shares practical strategies for connecting with your teen, even when it feels impossible.Whether you're navigating a tough conversation or feeling stuck in a cycle of misunderstandings, this episode offers hope and real-world tools for parents who want to show up authentically for their kids.In this episode on how to apologize to your teen or young adult kid, we discuss: Why apologizing to your teen or young adult feels so difficult;The three-step process of genuine repair;How to take accountability without shame;Maintaining your role as a caregiver;Modeling emotional intelligence for your teens;And more!Looking for support?

“I do so much for them, and they don't even notice”. Sounds like a familiar thought? Many parents of struggling teens or young adults feel used, taken for granted, or stuck in a dynamic where love feels more like a series of trades than a relationship.In this episode, I'm joined again by therapist Trevor Allen to unpack the tricky dynamic of transactional parenting and behavior: what it is, how it shows up, and most importantly, how to shift out of it. From “I let you go out, so you should clean your room” to “I do everything for you, and you won't even help me out,” we explore how as well-meaning parents we can end up in a tit-for-tat cycle that erodes trust and connection.It's not only us as parents who can experience this and feel unseen. Believe it or not, our teens might be experiencing the same thing. Miscommunication, mismatched expectations, and unspoken needs can keep both parent and teen feeling unseen.This is a compassionate, eye-opening episode for any parent trying to find their way back to genuine connection, without keeping the score. Not everything has to feel like a negotiation. Let's explore this topic more in today's episode.In this episode on feeling used by your teen, we cover:What transactional parenting is and why it often shows up during tough seasons;How the “I give, you give” pattern damages trust and connection;What to say when you feel used or taken for granted by your teen;How to spot (and shift) transactional tendencies in your parenting;The importance of modeling healthy, reciprocal relationships;Why it's compliance but connection that is at the foundation for long-term change;And more!Looking for support?

It's not your child's job to live up to your expectations. That might sound harsh, but it's one of the most important truths I've had to learn as a parent, especially during the transition home after treatment. If you're anything like me, you might be thinking: ‘But I don't even have that many expectations!' I used to think that too… I wasn't asking for straight A's or a high-powered career path. But the truth is, I had all sorts of hidden expectations: to be respected, to be liked, to have my child appreciate my cooking, my values, and… for them not to use drugs. And when those expectations weren't met, it hurt.In this episode, Seth and I unpack how easily our unconscious expectations can shape the energy of our home and our family dynamics. This is especially true when your kid is coming home from treatment and the goal is to build a new, different relationship with them. Even the expectations handed to us from treatment programs can give a false sense of security, making it feel like everything will go perfectly if the plan is followed. But real life doesn't work like that.We explore what our hidden expectations look like, the emotional effect they can have on your teen or young adult, and how you can trade them for something far more meaningful: connection, curiosity, and a new kind of relationship with your teen or young adult.In this episode on navigating expectations, we cover:Why it's so hard to see your own expectations and how they show up when your kid doesn't meet them;The emotional impact expectations can have on your child's sense of acceptance;Why bringing your kid home from treatment requires more flexibility and less pressure;The difference between boundaries and expectations, and why that distinction matters;What parents can do to foster trust and connection during the transition home from treatment;How letting go of control can create space for a more honest relationship with your child and healthier family dynamics;And more!Looking for support?

One of the most overlooked challenges after treatment? The loss of community. Teens and young adults often return home (or head off to college) and suddenly find themselves without the peer support they had in treatment, even though that kind of support, being seen and understood by someone who's been through it too, can be one of the most powerful parts of the healing process.“Especially for young people, the need to belong is so important” - Ciara FanloYour child may be craving a sense of normalcy, wanting to reconnect with friends and blend back in. But likely, they've changed and might not connect with their old friends as much anymore. Or they feel misunderstood because the people around them don't understand what they've just been through. That longing for connection can be powerful, and without supportive peers who know what it's like to be in treatment, your teen may feel isolated, or misunderstood.In this episode, Ciara Fanlo joins me to talk about what happens when that community disappears and how we can help our teens build it again. We explore how to support your child in finding a new kind of community, one that reflects who they are now, post-treatment. Because no matter how much love you offer as a parent, having peers who truly get it makes all the difference.In this episode on peer support after treatment, we cover:Why peer connection is crucial for teens after treatment;What your child may be feeling as they transition home or to a new environment;The disconnect teens often experience when trying to rejoin old friend groups;How to help your child find community without pushing or panicking;Why shared understanding and belonging are key to maintaining change;And more.Looking for support?

When your teen or young adult is struggling, it's easy for everything else to fall away, including you. It's a pattern we both see often: parents abandoning their own needs in the name of care, staying on high alert for the next crisis, and losing themselves in the process.I remember the desperation I felt when my son was struggling. I poured every ounce of my energy into trying to get him to choose something different. I ignored my emotional, mental, and physical needs, because I couldn't think of anything else but him. That kind of self-sacrifice can feel noble, even necessary, but the truth is, it's not sustainable or helpful for either of you.This episode is a gentle invitation to notice when you're caught in this cycle. There's a big difference between responding to a true crisis and putting your entire life on hold just in case one might happen. You're allowed to take care of yourself. You're allowed to have a life. And giving yourself that permission isn't selfish. It's healing.In this episode on how to not lose yourself when you're teen is in crisis, we cover:Why parents often abandon themselves in their teen's crisisThe difference between being present and being on constant alertRed flags that you may be stuck in hyper-vigilanceThe guilt that comes with reclaiming your own life—and how to release itHow caring for yourself can actually help your child moreLooking for support?

When you're doing the work to grow as a parent, it's common to overcorrect. You recognize a pattern (maybe you tend to be explosive in conflict) so you swing to the opposite end and become overly passive. It feels like progress, but suddenly you're stuck in a new extreme. In this episode, Seth and I explore what we call the "pendulum swing" of behavior and how both parents and teens experience this while trying to make real, lasting change.Whether it's yelling one day and withdrawing the next, or setting no boundaries after years of being too rigid, shifting your parenting patterns can feel messy and inconsistent at first. But this swing between extremes isn't failure, it's part of the learning curve. Your brain is trying to find the middle ground, and sometimes it needs to experience both ends of the spectrum to settle into balance.And our struggling children go through this, too. After treatment, they often come home with the intention of doing everything perfectly, only to crash when the reality of being human sets in. Helping them, and yourself, navigate that swing with compassion is key.If you're working to shift your parenting patterns and feel stuck between extremes, join us in this conversation as we help you find your footing in the middle.In this episode on finding balance while shifting parenting patterns, we cover:What the “pendulum swing” looks like in parenting and teen behavior;Why we often shift from one extreme to the other when trying to change;The emotional discomfort that fuels reactive patterns;How to find a middle ground that supports growth and connection in parenting;Why unrealistic expectations (for you or your teen) can lead to disappointment;And more!Looking for support?

We all have an inner dialogue. But it's too easy to take the stories we tell ourselves, about our kids, our parenting, and what's going to happen next, to start feeling like facts. In this episode, Seth and I explore how our narratives can quietly shape our reactions, expectations, and ultimately our relationships with our teens and young adults.“We have to remember that almost everything we think is a narrative. … All narratives can change” - Beth HillmanWhen a child returns home from treatment, it's common for parents to fall into old mental scripts: I'll have to clean for them. They won't wake up on their own. If I don't do X, they'll never Y. These stories often stem from real past experiences, so it's no wonder they feel true. But that doesn't mean they are. Let's talk about how to recognize these narratives, examine whether they're still serving your family, and explore how to shift them.If you're feeling stuck in patterns or assumptions about your teen or young adult, this episode offers a compassionate and practical way to loosen their grip and make room for something new.In this episode on challenging our inner dialogue as parents, we cover:The difference between narrative and fact, and how to tell them apart;Why parents often get stuck in old stories, even when growth is happening;The unconscious beliefs you may be carrying about what a good parent "should" do;What narratives your struggling child may be believing about themselves;A practical exercise for surfacing your limiting beliefs as a parent;The key question to regularly ask yourself;And more.Looking for support?

If your teen or young adult constantly underestimates how long things take or insists they “have plenty of time” when they don't, welcome to the club! This common struggle is called time dysmorphia, and it's more than just procrastination or laziness. It actually has to do with executive functioning.In this episode, executive function coach Chrissy Nichols joins me to explain what time dysmorphia is, why it happens, and how parents can help their kids manage it without frustration or shame.Many parents misinterpret time dysmorphia as defiance or irresponsibility. But whether your teen has ADHD or not, their brain may simply process time differently. Instead of getting impatient or triggered, Chrissy shares a three-step process parents can use to increase awareness, remove shame, and partner with their teen in creating practical solutions.“That's the ultimate goal … not to get folks feeling dependent on an external source, but knowing that they have everything they need inside.” - Chrissy NicholsIf your teen or young adult struggles to estimate time or follow through on tasks, this conversation will help you shift from frustration to understanding and support.In this episode on helping your (ADHD) teen or young adult manage time & build executive function skills, we cover:What time dysmorphia is and why it impacts teens and young adults but also ourselves as parents;Why this is an executive functioning issue, not laziness or disrespect;How to respond with curiosity instead of frustration;A three-step framework for helping your teen manage their time;How to support your teen or young adult in building accountability and self-awareness without shame;And more!More about Chrissy NicholsChrissy Nichols is an executive function coach for learners of all ages but specializes in helping teens reintegrate into traditional learning environments. After more than 22 years in the classroom, Chrissy's brain hacks help clients see that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them--they just need to learn how to rewire their brain.Chrissy's work is aimed to empower her student clients to empower themselves. For parents, this means taking school and academics off their parenting plates so they can simply love their child. See how Chrissy's thought concepts can become your executive function concepts over at www.thechrissyconcept.comLooking for support?

Do you ever find yourself stuck in a conversation that's going in circles, desperately trying to find a resolution? It's natural to want closure, but sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is step back. In this episode, Seth and I explore how disengaging can actually strengthen healthy communication with your teen rather than shutting it down.When emotions run high, it can be difficult to recognize when a conversation is no longer productive. As parents, we often enter discussions with our teens with an agenda, wanting to fix a behavior or push for change. But if your teen isn't on the same page, the conversation can quickly become frustrating for both of you. Instead of seeking to be heard, what if we focused on understanding and connection instead?“If I don't want to listen to the person, the conversation is not going to go well.” - Seth GottliebIn this episode, we discuss how healthy communication with your teen isn't about pushing harder but about knowing when to pause, reset, and approach conversations with more awareness and intention.If you've ever felt stuck in an argument or frustrated by going in circles, this episode will give you the tools to step back, create space, and improve communication with your teen in a meaningful way.In this episode on the power of disengaging for healthy communication with your teen, we cover:How to recognize when a conversation with your teen isn't going anywhere;The impact of entering a discussion with an agenda;How to increase self-awareness and shift to understanding rather than control;Practical ways to disengage in a way that strengthens, rather than harms, your relationship or family dynamics;What to ask your teen to foster healthy communication and more open, productive conversations;And more!Looking for support?

It's devastating to watch your teen struggle and feel like nothing you do is making a difference. You love them more than anything, yet your support, advice, and care don't seem to make a difference. If you've ever thought, Why isn't my love enough to help my struggling teen?, you're not alone.In this episode, Seth and I unpack why struggling teens may reject the love and support they need and what parents can do with this knowledge. Many parents take their child's maladaptive behaviors personally, wondering what they did wrong or why their love isn't enough to bring their child back to stability. “Until somebody feels that they are worthy of what you are trying to provide, they're not going to accept it.” - Seth GottliebSeth shares his own experience of feeling so unworthy of love that he couldn't truly accept the support of those around him. Until a struggling teen believes they are worthy of love, it's difficult for them to let it in, no matter how much they may need it.If you feel helpless in your child's struggle, join us for today's episode.In this episode on feeling like your love isn't enough for your struggling teen to choose better, we explore:Why it can feel like your love isn't enough to help your struggling teen;How a teen's self-worth affects their ability to accept love and support;Why struggling teens often push away relationships, even when they need them;The power of witnessing and letting your child know you're there for them;What to do when your teen isn't ready for help;And more.Looking for support?

Home visits after treatment can be both exciting and nerve-wracking for everyone involved. It's a time filled with hope, but with that hope often comes fear: fear of falling back into old patterns, fear of things going wrong, and fear of not knowing what to expect. In this episode, Seth and I unpack what makes home visits so important, why they can feel overwhelming, and how to navigate them with intention.Every family member brings their own expectations to a home visit. As a parent, you may see it as a chance to talk through everything in one weekend or simply want to create a relaxing, welcoming environment for your teen. Your teen, on the other hand, may be watching closely to see if you have also been doing the work, if old dynamics are still at play or if there's been a real shift. When expectations go unspoken, frustration can build, making it harder to connect in meaningful ways.So how do you balance structure, connection, and open communication during a home visit? We discuss the importance of setting realistic expectations, allowing for autonomy, and creating space for both fun and difficult conversations. Because ultimately, home visits are an opportunity to start building new, healthier patterns as a family.If you're preparing for a home visit or wondering what to expect, this conversation will help you feel more confident and prepared to navigate this important step in your teen's journey.In this episode on home visits, we cover:The role of home visits in the treatment and healing process;What your teen is looking for when they come home from treatment for a visit;How unspoken expectations can create tension & how to talk about them;Balancing structure, autonomy, and connection during the home visit;What to do if you feel hesitant about a home visit as a parent;Why a challenging visit doesn't mean failure & and how to move forward.Looking for support?

When a child struggles, the entire family feels it. But the sibling's experience is often overlooked. Today, we get to hear the sibling's perspective as Ethan Gordon, a mentor for struggling kids, teens, and young adults, joins me to share his unique perspective as both a sibling and a social worker. Drawing from his personal loss of a brother to drug addiction, Ethan offers insights into his unique experiences as a sibling of a struggling teen.Navigating how much to share with siblings when a family is in crisis can be incredibly challenging. Some parents may overshare, while others try to protect their children by withholding all information. It's a hard place to be in as a parent. Ethan reminds us that everyone processes family struggles differently and there's no one-size-fits-all approach.Now, in his work as a mentor, Ethan focuses on guiding teens to build connection and community, a vital piece that often disappears after treatment. He shares his approach to creating systems that give your teen happiness, social connection, and a piece of community during their day that they can fall back on when things get tough. His approach is simple: meet teens where they are and guide them toward connection and growth. Join us in this conversation as Ethan offers actionable insights for navigating life after treatment and offering your teen sustainable support.In this episode, on the sibling's perspective, we cover:The unique path and experience of siblings during family crises;The different roles the sibling can take on in the family dynamics, for example as a peacemaker or by withdrawing;How much to share with your sibling about what's going on with your struggling teen?;The importance of building connection and community when transitioning home from wilderness or other treatment programs;And more!Looking for support?

Healthy communication is the foundation of strong relationships. But when emotions run high, it's easy to fall into unhelpful patterns. In this episode, trauma therapist Sarah Allen joins me to explore how communication styles shape family dynamics and what it takes to shift toward healthier, more assertive communication with your struggling teen.If you've ever felt stuck between being too passive or too controlling in conversations with your teen, you're not alone. Many parents default to passive communication, avoiding conflict and hoping their teen picks up on their needs. Others swing toward aggressive communication, trying to maintain control and authority. But neither approach helps you build the trust and connection we want with your teen.What we should strive for? Assertive communication, which allows you to set clear, healthy boundaries, express your needs, and create a structure that helps your teen feel safe, without resorting to power struggles. In this conversation, Sarah and I break down what healthy communication looks like, how your communication style impacts your parenting, and how small shifts can make a big difference in your relationship with your teen.In this episode on healthy communication with your teen and family, we discuss:What makes communication healthy or unhealthy;The difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive communication;How your communication style influences your parenting approach;Why structure helps teens feel safer, even when they resist it;Practical strategies to shift toward more balanced, effective communication with your teen and family;And more!Looking for support?

When life feels like too much, it's easy to get caught in the spiral of overwhelm. And let's face it, whether it's your teen or yourself as a parent, overwhelm is something we all face from time to time. In this episode, we dive into how to support your teen through these challenging moments while also learning to manage your own as a parent.Overwhelm can show up in many ways, emotional shutdowns, conflict, exhaustion, or frustration, all stemming from the pressure of unmet expectations. Whether it's you as a parent or it's your teen who's feeling overwhelmed, the same strategies can help: setting clear boundaries, validating emotions, and releasing the pressure to meet everyone's expectations.Overwhelm doesn't have to define your family dynamics. In this episode, Seth and I share our personal experiences with managing overwhelm and expectations and how these moments impact our relationships. We also explore the strategies that can help both you and your teen find balance and connection when overwhelm starts to creep in.In this episode on parenting an overwhelmed teen, we discuss:What overwhelm can look like in your teen's behavior;How to help your teen navigate the pressure of expectations;The role of emotional congruence in strengthening your connection;Why validation is key to supporting an overwhelmed teen;The importance of setting boundaries before overwhelm takes over;How vulnerability can foster understanding and growth in your relationship;And more!Looking for support?

What do you do when you've tried everything? Your teen has been to wilderness programs, therapeutic boarding schools, partial hospitalization programs, and more—and yet, the struggles persist. The behaviors, the fears, the maladaptive patterns, they all return in some way or form when your teen comes back home. What now?In this episode, I'm joined again by the incredible Ciara Fanlo, a former “troubled teen” turned mentor and coach for struggling teens. Together, we delve into the feelings of exhaustion, frustration, and fear that come when walking this path as a parent. But also the deep shame and self-blame your teen probably carries when nothing seems to help.Ciara shares her perspective as someone who's been in your teen's shoes. She recalls her own experience of questioning, “What's so wrong with me that nothing works?” and the heavy belief that she was beyond help. It's a heartbreaking place to be, for both teens and their families.But as Ciara and I explore, the search for answers doesn't have to center on blame. There's a profound shift that happens when we let go of what's out of our control and begin to focus on acceptance. As I share in the episode, I remember the moment I stopped fighting against everything I couldn't change. That moment of surrender wasn't giving up, it was a recognition of what was within my power and where I could still make a difference.If you've ever felt the fatigue of doing all the “right” things as a parent but still feeling stuck, this conversation is for you.In this episode on what to do when nothing seems to work for your struggling teen, we explore:Why the pursuit of control can often exhaust us without bringing real change;How teens experience their own shame and self-blame in these situations;What it means to shift from blame to acceptance;Practical ways to find a healthy sense of control, even in the hardest moments;And more.Looking for support?

Parenting often feels like one of the most rewarding yet unrelenting journeys. There's no clocking out, even after major milestones are achieved. In this episode, Seth joins me to explore what it means to keep showing up as a parent, even when the work feels never-ending.I reflect on how my son has grown far beyond his time as “my wilderness kid.” Yet, just the other day, we shared an interaction that reminded me our journey is still ongoing. It's a process of meeting each other with empathy, compassion, and an awareness of how our fight, flight, and freeze patterns still show up.It's natural to wonder, “When can I take a break from this?” But the truth is, growth as a parent and as a family doesn't have a finish line. The good news? It's in this ongoing process that deeper connections and resilience are built.If you've ever felt stretched thin by the demands of parenting, this episode is a reminder that your efforts matter. Small, consistent steps and moments of grace create lasting progress, strengthening the bond between you and your child along the way.In this episode on whether your work as a parent is ever really done, we discuss:Why the ongoing work of parenting and personal growth is as much about the journey as the destination;How to hold boundaries that are firm yet adaptable, because parenting is as human as it gets;How to recognize and resist falling back into old habits when the “dark wolf” of self-doubt or fatigue creeps in;What it means to keep showing up and do our work as a parent, even when we feel tired or reach a goal;And more.Looking for support?

Sometimes the shame around my actions feels so heavy and I feel like I've failed as a parent. Sounds familiar? In this deeply personal episode, I open up about one of the most painful regrets I've had as a parent. A moment I carried shame around for years. It was a time when I was overwhelmed with emotions and lacked the tools I have now, leading to choices I'm not proud of.At the time, I was convinced my struggling teen was doing everything “wrong” and my attempts to “fix” him only deepened the divide between us. Looking back, I realize that while his choices weren't ideal, mine weren't either. That realization was hard to face, but it set the stage for something even more powerful: repair.“We can have a better, stronger relationship by having conflict and then repairing, than if there was never any conflict.” - Beth HillmanRepairing the relationship with my son didn't happen overnight. In fact, it took years. But through a meaningful conversation with him recently, I learned something profound: conflict doesn't have to weaken a relationship. In fact, repairing after conflict can lead to a deeper, stronger bond than if the conflict had never occurred at all.In this episode on strengthening relationships through conflict, I reflect on:The intense emotions that drove my actions and how I've worked to process and release the shame;How repairing with myself was a crucial first step before I could repair with my teen;The lessons my son and I learned about conflict, repair, and resilience through our journey.If you've ever felt like you've failed as a parent, this episode is a reminder that it's never too late to repair, rebuild, and reconnect with your teen. It's a process, and sometimes it takes time, but it's always worth it.Looking for support?

It's no secret that sleep is crucial for teens, but getting them to prioritize it? That's a whole different story! This week on the podcast, I'm joined by Dr. Funke Afolabi-Brown, a triple board-certified sleep physician and founder of Restful Sleep MD, to dive into the importance of sleep for our teens and how we, as parents, can support them in developing healthy sleep habits.Sleep isn't just about feeling rested, it's foundational to every aspect of health. From learning and mood to metabolism and risk-taking behaviors, a lack of quality sleep can have profound effects on our teens. Dr. Funke explains how poor sleep impacts their mental, physical, and emotional well-being and offers actionable strategies to help your teen get the rest they need to thrive.So, how can we encourage our teens to prioritize sleep without making it a battle? Dr. Funke shares simple yet effective approaches, from connecting the benefits of sleep to what matters most to your teen (whether it's better athletic performance, improved grades, or clearer skin) to creating an optimal sleep environment.In this episode on how to influence better sleep for our teens, we discuss:The effects of poor sleep on teens, including mood, memory, and physical health;How to motivate your teen to prioritize sleep without forcing it;Practical tips for setting up an optimal sleep environment;The impact of technology on sleep and how to address it as a family;Why we sometimes wake up anxious and how to handle nighttime worries;Sleep as a skill: retraining the brain for better rest;And more!This conversation is packed with insights and tools to help you support your teen in building healthy sleep habits, so let's dive in!Looking for support?

How do you know if your teen is truly making progress? As parents, we often cling to our own standards, like better grades or sticking to curfews. These are the markers we cling to as evidence that the therapy or treatment is “working.”  But what if the signs you're looking for aren't the ones that matter most? Because, our teens? They're navigating their own priorities and often finding progress in ways that are less visible to us. They often grow in ways that don't align with our expectations as parents.In this episode, I'm joined once again by Ciara Fanlo, a former “troubled teen” turned mentor for adolescents and their families. Together, we dive into the complicated dynamic between the signs of progress parents look for and the often very different changes teens experience. I've been there myself with my wilderness kid. I remember practically falling apart because he kept breaking curfew over and over again when hanging out with friends, while he was actually feeling proud because he noticed he was starting to make some real connections.In this episode, Ciara and I explore how you can expand your understanding of what change and progress look like for your teen.In this episode on recognizing your teen's progress, we discuss:The disconnect between parents' expectations and teens' lived experiences of change;Why transition periods after treatment are so challenging and how to approach them with compassion;How to identify subtle signs of growth and development in your teen;Balancing boundaries with an understanding of your teen's priorities;And more!Looking for support?

It's SO frustrating when your kid doesn't take your advice, isn't it?! As parents, we have more life experience and we can share our advice with our kids to give them an easier and smoother life experience, at least that's how it feels to us, right?That's not how it works though. Together with Ciara Fanlo (a former “troubled teen” turned mentor for adolescents and their families), I explore why teens often don't take advice, how to shift from frustration to understanding, and how to support teens as they build their library of life experiences.Because here's the thing: while as parents have decades of life experience, our teens are still gathering theirs. “There's no substitute for life experience” Ciara explains. You want to save them from heartache and disappointment because you know how hard it is. But the problem is, that doesn't actually teach them anything. Hardly anyone, whether kids, teens, or adults, learns from hearing. We learn by experiencing. So even when your teen intellectually understands your advice, they don't have their own memory bank yet of setbacks, disappointments, and triumphs, that they can connect it to to really integrate the lesson. So what does that mean? In short, it means that we should let our kids make their own mistakes, no matter how difficult that may be. Let them build their own library of experiences.“Parenting is not about saving your child from experience; it's about helping them find themselves through the experience.” - Beth HillmanSo how can you best support your teen in doing this? Let's discuss it in today's episode.In this episode on why your kid shouldn't take your advice, we discuss:Why teens don't always listen to advice, and why they shouldn't;Understanding the gap between a parent's lived experience and a teen's need to build their own;How heartbreak, disappointment, and mistakes serve as the real teachers for teens;How parents can best support, encourage, and influence their teen (without enabling) to learn through their experience;Dealing with frustration, fear, and the urge to protect as a parent while allowing your kid space for growth;And more!Looking for support?

I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. Our wilderness kid is doing really well, so you'd think, after all the heartache, pain, and anxiety of that journey, things would finally feel calm. But life has a way of throwing curveballs, doesn't it?But honestly, I've been judging my anxiety hard. What's your problem? Why can't you handle this? You used to be good at this! You're a mess. It's exhausting, and the more I try to push these thoughts away, the louder they get.But then a good reminder brought me back on the path of unshaming and it started to shift my perspective. I know many of you are navigating hard times too. The mistakes we make, the thoughts that feel overwhelming, they need unshaming. They need understanding. That's where healing starts. And as I work through this, I'm learning to love myself through the experience.If you're in a season of anxiety or shame, I want you to know I'm here for you. Together, we can unlearn the judgment and begin to embrace understanding.In this episode on unshaming anxiety, I reflect on:My recent struggles with anxiety and what they've taught me;How anxiety often masks deeper emotions, like sadness or fear;The transformative power of understanding and accepting anxiety;Unshaming past actions to regain control and self-compassion.Please know, you are not alone.Other episodes on this topic: 61. How to Unshame Your Parent Regrets With David Bedrick - Part 162. How to Unshame the Identified Patient in Your Home With David Bedrick - Part 2Looking for support?

It's natural to want to steer our kids toward success and protect them from struggle. But what if trying to control the outcome does more harm than good? In this episode, I speak with Maggie, a mom of four (including one “wilderness kid”), who shares her deeply personal journey of learning to step back, trust her child's path, and focus on her own growth.“I leaned in on control-based, outcome-oriented parenting because I thought that was my job. I thought that's what a good parent looked like” Maggie admits. Be she started noticing she was consistently crossing the line when her kids grew older, moving from reassuring them about her own choices to trying to make their choices for them. The result? Miscommunication, frustration, and strained family dynamics.Maggie's turning point came when she realized she's not the main character in her child's life. “It is not my job to make my child succeed and it's not my job to intervene when struggle is up ahead” - MaggieBy stepping out of the way and allowing her child to make their own decisions, whether these are the choices she would have made herself or not, she noticed an interesting shift: he started making healthier choices for himself.Maggie's story is so relatable for many parents out there with a struggling teen, so have a listen and enjoy.In this episode on letting go of control and desired outcomes for our teens, we discuss:How to shift from controlling to supporting your child's journey;Why prioritizing impact over intent is key in parent-child communication;The surprising ways letting go can improve your relationship with your struggling teen and family dynamics in general;How struggles shape kids into who they're meant to be, and why parents shouldn't stand in the way.And much more!Looking for support?

What happens after your teen completes treatment? It's a question many parents grapple with. In today's episode, Beth talks to Michael, a former struggling teen who went to wilderness himself, about his journey through treatment and the challenges of returning home.Michael reflects on his time in wilderness treatment as the ‘worst best time' of his life. It wasn't just the woods or the strict routines that made it tough - it was the emotional accountability he had never faced before. As he shares, “At home, I got away with everything and anything.”But wilderness was only the beginning. Michael opens up about the highs and lows that followed, from the "honeymoon period" in which everything seemed to be going great, to the real work of sustaining change. He also speaks about his parents' role during this time: their support, their boundaries, and their commitment to not only doing their own work alongside him but supporting him in his work as well.If you've ever wondered how to support your teen after treatment, or how to hold steady through the ups and downs, Michael's story is one for you.In this episode on messing up after treatment, we cover:How Michael abused the privileges he was given during wilderness;The importance of holding boundaries after treatment;How parents can support their teen's ongoing growth;Michael's experiences after treatment, from a 3-month ‘honeymoon' period to a new 'storm';The support his parents gave him after treatment and the boundaries they held up;The importance of doing your own work and also finding out what your kid is working on and supporting them in that work;Why having a mentor can be incredibly beneficial for your teen after treatment;And more!Looking for support?

It's natural to feel uneasy when your kid strays from the socially accepted path of college, career, and other traditional milestones. But as today's guest Joanna points out, the reality is that the so-called "normal" path is often the exception, not the rule. The world has changed dramatically, and success now comes in many forms. Degrees, certifications, and fulfilling careers don't always look like they used to, and that's okay.As parents, we're fearful of our teen's choices because it looks different from our own experiences and we don't know whether it's going to work out for them. The unknown makes it scary for us to witness. But their unique journey can lead to a future that's both meaningful and fulfilling for your teen.“Anybody that has treatment experience just is so much more attuned, so much more insightful, so much more aware. … The reality is, they're lightyears ahead of their peers” - Joanna LilleyToday's guest is Joanna Lilley, a therapeutic consultant who specializes in guiding young adults through life transitions. Together, we dive into redefining success, breaking free from outdated societal norms, and supporting young adults who are charting their own unique paths, especially when those paths look different from the ones we expected.In this episode on what success looks like for our young adult kids, we cover:Why the "normal" path is no longer the standard;How societal shifts are changing what success looks like for our young adult kids nowadays;What it means to believe in your young adult, even when their path looks unfamiliar;Joanna's biggest advice for parents when your young adult is feeling miserable on the path they're taking;The life experience teens gain in treatment;And much more.Let's poke holes in rigid thinking and redefine success, together.Looking for support?

Are you unknowingly sending your teen the message that their best isn't good enough?In this episode, we dig into a concept called "pointing positive," a term from river kayaking that can make a big difference in parenting teens through tough times. When we guide our kids toward what they want to achieve, instead of focusing on what they need to fix, we can help them feel more motivated and confident in their journey.Think about it: if your teen has worked hard to bring their grades up from D's and F's to consistent C's, it's tempting to ask, “Why aren't you getting B's or A's?” But focusing on what's still lacking can undermine their progress, even when we mean well. By “pointing positive” and acknowledging their small steps forward, we show them that we see and value their growth, making it easier for them to keep pushing forward.“If you are honoring the change that has been made, that encourages more change” - Beth HillmanSeth and I discuss how, as parents, our attention impacts our kids' motivation. It's about shifting focus to what's working, not ignoring reality, but being more mindful. When we highlight the positive changes, no matter how small, we're reinforcing their resilience and progress.And remember, change takes time and practice, for both us parents and our struggling teens. Here's to guiding them forward, one positive step at a time.In this episode on influencing your teen toward positive change, we discuss:Why focusing on the positive is more effective than focusing on the negative;How “pointing positive” can guide teens toward what they want to achieve;How our attention as parents influences our teen's motivation to change;Simple shifts in word choice to emphasize progress and reinforce growth;Why sustainable change often happens in smaller, gradual steps over time;And more!Need support?

Ever found yourself reacting strongly to something, even when it seems like “no big deal”? Or maybe, in a tense moment, you freeze or shut down instead of reacting? If you're a parent of a struggling teen, be it addiction, mental health struggles, suicidal ideation  or a different struggle, you've probably felt your own heart skip a beat more times than you can count. Today, I talk with trauma therapist Sarah Allen about why we sometimes overreact (or shut down) in response to certain triggers and how it all comes down to our bodies trying to protect us.Sarah breaks down the idea that trauma doesn't just live in the mind - it lives in the body. Even when our heads know “things are okay,” our nervous systems might still be on high alert, especially if we've been through overwhelming experiences with our kids in the past. It's that part of us that steps in to make sure we don't go through that kind of pain again. But sometimes, this automatic response can show up as a jolt of panic, a wave of anger, or even a complete shutdown.As parents, we're human too. And with the right tools and support, we can navigate our own responses, even when this journey with our kids takes us through some incredibly challenging terrain.In this episode on understanding trauma responses in parents of struggling teens, we explore:Why our bodies sometimes react before our minds even have a chance;How trauma can make it hard to know what's truly safe or dangerous;What over- and under-responses look like as a parent of a struggling teen in treatment or recovery;How to bring self-compassion to the way we show up, even if it's not perfect;Different therapeutic approaches, including tips for finding the right fit for you or your family;And much more!Need support?

Fear has a sneaky way of impacting our brains, pushing us toward avoiding what feels uncomfortable instead of working through it. For many of us, fear makes us want to avoid the situation, but doing that keeps us from working through what needs to be done.It's important to understand that fear is an emotion that comes and goes, just like other emotions. But what does fear bring up in us as parents, and in our struggling teens? Thinking back to the time before our son went to wilderness, I remember thinking ‘There's nothing to be done. We've lost him.' My brain was giving up on him out of fear.“I think fear basically stalls people out” - Beth HillmanSo how can you face fear? How can you bring it with you, allowing it to take place in the passenger's seat instead of taking over the wheel? We're talking all about it in today's episode.In this episode, we discuss:What fear does to us as parents and how to recognize its impact;The kinds of fear our teens might experience, especially coming out of treatment;What helps parents and teens work through their fears?;Practical strategies for parents to manage their own fears while supporting their teens;How understanding love languages can help us better understand our struggling teens;And much moreNeed support?

It's easy to forget to prioritize ourselves as parents, especially when our children are struggling. In this episode, Seth and I dive into the emotional balancing act of parenting a teen in treatment while still finding time for self-care. It's common to feel guilty for taking care of yourself, especially when your child is away in treatment. Whether you feel guilty about telling your kid that you had a good day while they're in treatment, or it feels exhausting to you to always be 'on' as a solo parent, it's crucial to make time for self-care.“It's one of the hardest asks, but it's so important to be intentional about [self-care]” - Beth HillmanBut filling your own cup isn't just crucial for yourself, but also for your teen. The way you find balance and make time for self-care can be a great model for your child, even if they don't show appreciation right away.If you've ever felt guilty for having a good day or wondered how to balance taking care of yourself while being there for your child, this episode is for you.In this episode on self-care for parents, we discuss:The emotional guilt parents feel when taking care of themselves while their teen is in treatment;The importance of self-care for parents and how it affects your ability to support your child;How modeling self-care can project its importance to your child;Balancing self-care with parenting responsibilities;What does true self-care look like for parents?;The 3 main ways to fill you cup and practice self-care as a parent;And more!Need support?

Your teen appears calm and composed with their therapist but displays anger or aggression at home, how frustrating!? It feels like you're dealing with two completely different versions of the same person.In this episode, Seth and I explore the challenge of handling teens who have been through enough therapy to know exactly what to say to 'work the system.' While their providers see one side, you as a parent experience something entirely different. We'll talk about how to navigate these mixed signals, how actions often speak louder than words, and how you can open up this conversation with your teen. Have a listen!In this episode, we discuss:Teens showing different behaviors at home vs. in therapy;The frustration parents feel when their child “works the system.”;Actions as a more accurate reflection of what's really happening;Opening the conversation between your teen, their therapist, and you;Why your teen might feel the need to present themselves differently with their providers;And more!Need support?

Balancing the need for rules with the desire for connection can be incredibly challenging when parenting teens. In this episode, therapist Trevor Allen and I dive into the complex dynamics of rules versus boundaries versus expectations and how to navigate them in a way that promotes healthy relationships.We discuss the confusion that can arise when trying to balance control and support, particularly when parenting a struggling teen. It's not just about setting strict rules but more about understanding how to teach our kids how to treat us through our own actions and the boundaries we set. We want to influence without trying to control, allowing for growth while maintaining a healthy home environment.One key takeaway from our conversation is that zero-tolerance policies can set kids up for failure, particularly when dealing with issues like addiction. So let's explore other options in today's episode. “If I lived with anybody and ALL they could see are the things that are problematic that I'm doing, I would have a really hard time being around that person. I think that's a relationship destroyer” - Trevor AllenIf you're wondering how to create a supportive yet structured environment for your child without taking their choices personally, this episode is for you.In this episode on rules vs. boundaries vs. expectations, we discuss: The differences between rules, boundaries, and expectations in parenting;How to influence your struggling teen without controlling them;Managing yourself and maintaining a healthy home environment;Supporting your teen despite poor decisions and bad behavior;The importance of focusing on what you do, not just what you say;Why controlling the situation by controlling your teen doesn't work;Being consistent with rules vs. being flexible to meet your teen's needs;The impact of only seeing the negative and how to shift focus to positive progress;Why nuance and flexibility in rules can improve family dynamics.Need support?

What's it actually like for your teen to be in wilderness or other treatment?As parents, we can never truly know. But today's guest, Ciara Fanlo, has been through it herself. According to her, the emotional stages our teens go through in treatment are very similar to the seven stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance & hope, and processing grief. So what does that look like for your teen? In this episode, Ciara shares her thoughts and experiences going through each of these steps. Like when she was going through the ‘denial' phase and remembers thinking: “There's no way I'll be staying here for 12 weeks. My mom loves me, when I write her there's no way she's going to let me stay that long.”I cannot describe how valuable it is to actually hear the thoughts of someone who's been through it all themselves, as a teen. Tune in to hear Ciara's mindblowing insights.In this episode, we discuss:The emotional stages your teen or young adult will experience in treatment, similar to the 7 stages of grief;How shock affects both teens and parents when entering treatment;Why resistance and anger can be healthy steps in the process;Processing grief over lost time and emotional struggles.How to manage your own expectations as a parent through the ups and downsThe importance of letting your teen move through these stages at their own paceNeed support?

We all know that feeling when something doesn't sit right, but we shrug it off, telling ourselves, “It's not a big deal.” Yet, over time, those little moments of unspoken frustration build up, slowly shrinking our emotional bandwidth until we snap over the tiniest thing. Whether it's a parent feeling taken for granted or a struggling teen wondering why they're the only one doing all the hard work, resentment can do a lot of harm when left unchecked.In this episode, Seth and I tackle the tricky topic of resentment, how it sneaks up on us as parents and what we can do about it before it takes over, as well as the resentment our struggling teens might feel, especially those who have been in treatment.“A lot of my resentment comes from an unrealistic expectation that I have of somebody else that I have not yet expressed.” - Seth GottliebThe truth is, resentment often grows from unspoken expectations and emotions. I share my journey of being the passive parent until my resentment boiled over, and Seth explains why teens, too, feel resentful when they're the only ones expected to change or feel like they're the only ones putting in all the work.In this episode on resentment between parents and teens, we discuss:How resentment builds and why we often ignore it until it's too late;The importance of being emotionally honest with ourselves and our loved ones;Why struggling teens may feel resentment towards us, especially those who have been in treatment;How resentment can be an indicator that you're not staying true to your values as a parent;Strategies to prevent resentment by communicating expectations clearly and consistently;And much more!Need support?

We are all wired to avoid uncomfortable feelings. We instinctively shy away from discomfort, parents and teens alike. Whether it's solving a problem for our kids, distracting ourselves from uncomfortable feelings, or we're trying to save the day, we often act to avoid the tension. But here's the hard truth: our teens need to experience that discomfort in order to grow. In this episode, Seth and I explore why learning to sit with emotional unease, both for ourselves and our teens or young adults, is key to developing resilience and problem-solving skills.As parents, it's all too easy to step in and “rescue” our kids when they're struggling. But where's the line between helping and enabling? Is stepping in actually saving them from distress, or is it preventing them from learning how to handle their own emotions? I share a story from one of my clients about how a teen's persistent pushback led the parent to second-guess their boundaries, ultimately giving in to avoid discomfort. It's a common trap, but real growth happens when we, as parents, can sit with that unease a little longer than our kids, helping them build the skills they need to handle life's emotional challenges.In this episode on learning to sit with discomfort, we explore:How long can you tolerate emotional discomfort before feeling the need to act?;The fine line between helping and enabling your child;Why sitting with your own distress can help your child develop problem-solving skills;The importance of modeling emotional resilience for your kids;How to balance support and structure when parenting teens.Listen now to learn how to help your teen build emotional resilience and problem-solving skills by managing your own discomfort first!Need support?

Co-parenting is hard - there's no sugarcoating it. In an ideal world, both parents would align perfectly on every decision, from phone use to curfews to navigating friendships. But, as Seth and I explore in this episode, that's often not the case. One of the biggest challenges I often see as a parent coach is when one parent holds firm boundaries while the other is more loose. It can feel like a tug-of-war, and the fear of "losing" your child to the more relaxed parent is real. But here's the thing: I've consistently found that when healthy boundaries are set (and consequences stuck to) with kindness, compassion, and understanding, your child, teen, or young adult will still enjoy being around you. You don't have to undermine your co-parent to uphold your values, and you don't have to be afraid of the different influences your child is getting from the other parent. Let's take a deeper look at all of this in today's episode!In this episode on co-parenting challenges, we discuss:Why you don't have to be afraid of ‘losing' your child to the other parent by setting more strict boundaries;How to uphold your value system without undermining the other parent;The damaging effects of speaking negatively about the other parent or dismissing their boundaries;The natural reaction of our brain to blame others and how to turn the reflection back on yourself;And much more!If you ever think to yourself:"What do I do if my ex undermines my parenting?""How can I co-parent without putting my child in the middle?""Why does my ex always get to be the fun parent?""Am I losing my child to the other parent by setting strict boundaries?""What's the best way to co-parent when we don't agree?""How can I co-parent without conflict?"…then this episode is for you! Let's dive in!Need support?

“An adolescent brain, it is what it is for a reason”- Brittney KingThe teenage years can feel like a rollercoaster. One moment your young teen is playing it cool, and the next, they're literally rolling on the ground pretending to be a dog. Sound familiar? In this week's episode, I sit down with Brittney King, a licensed counselor, mom of five, and creator of the Think Good Feel Good online courses, to dive into the world of teens, particularly those in Junior High, aged 11-15. “It's such a key time for parents ... to be a guiding force.” - Brittney KingBrittney has a unique insight into our teen's brain development throughout these years and why this unpredictable phase is so crucial for their development, and for us as parents. Their unpredictability can feel frustrating for us as parents (I'm not the only one who thinks sometimes ‘WHAT am I going to do with my teen?!', right?) but understanding the teenage brain can help us be more tolerant of our kids as they explore, learn, and develop. One thing Brittney has learned from being a counselor is that there is not one teenager out there who's not struggling with something. What surprised her the most was how much they want to talk to adults about their problems. They don't always show it and they certainly want some independence but that doesn't mean they don't need you to still be there and helping and supporting them through it. “Teachers, coaches, therapists, they will come and go. But there is no substitute for caring and intentional parenting.” - Brittney KingIt's not about being a perfect parent or trying to be their therapist (they'll see right through you!). What they care about is you connecting with them. They care about whether you're showing up for them and whether they truly believe that you are there for them unconditionally, even when they don't know how to ask for it.Let's hear more invaluable wisdom from Brittney in today's episode.In this episode on the brain development of teenagers, we cover:Why unpredictability is actually part of teen brain development;The importance of being a guiding force;How to connect with your teen without trying to “fix” them;The difference between helping and letting your teen solve their own problems;The importance of developing emotional intelligence for parents raising teens;What does it mean to be a safe person for your teen to open up to?;What teens are looking for in their parents;And more!Need support?

What if improving your relationship with your teen starts with changing yourself?Are you willing to look at your own behavior to improve your relationship with your teen? If you know me at all, you know I truly believe the change begins with us. In this episode, Seth and I dive deeper into what that actually means for you as a parent. Seth dropped quite the truth bomb in this episode: "None of us is perfect in how we relate to everybody." And isn't that the crux of it? We go into situations armed with a laundry list of demands and expectations for our teens or partners, but how often do we take a step back and ask ourselves if we're holding up our end of the bargain?Here's the thing—no one wants to change when they feel attacked. Think about it: How would you feel if your teen came at you with a list of your shortcomings? You'd probably get defensive, right? Well, guess what? Your teen feels the same way. “If I'm asking someone else to be honest, I better look in the mirror and just ask myself ‘How honest am I being?'” - Beth Hillman Real change starts when we're willing to look in the mirror and look at our own part first - a little self-reflection I challenge you to do as we explore these ideas in this week's episode. Let's dive in.In this episode on improving your relationship with your struggling teen through self-awareness, we discuss:Self-Awareness in Parenting: Recognizing your own weaknesses and how they impact your relationships, especially with your struggling teen;The Importance of Mutual Respect: Understanding that in any relationship, there must be a balance of give and take;Avoiding an Authoritarian Approach: Realizing that setting rigid expectations and demands without self-reflection won't foster positive change in your teen;Owning Your Role: Accepting responsibility for your part in the relationship dynamic and being open to self-improvement;Effective Communication: Emphasizing the need to clearly communicate your needs to avoid resentment;And more!Need support?

How can you best support your struggling teen according to former troubled teens? As teens, Hayley and Colin were both sent to wilderness, followed by other treatment (residential treatment center, and therapeutic boarding school). Now, approximately 12 years later, they use their experience as former troubled teens in treatment to provide peer-to-peer coaching for teens and young adults who feel like therapy hasn't been the right fit or who are transitioning out of therapeutic programs back into the real world.They vulnerably open up about the intense emotions they faced before, during, and after their treatment journeys, after which we delve into the role of parents during and after treatment. If you've ever wondered how you can best support your struggling teen and what things might not be helpful for them at all, this episode is a must-listen."How much are the parents actually going to therapy?” - Colin MacDonaldI'm beyond grateful to Colin and Hayley for sharing their unique perspective and giving us a glimpse inside the minds of teens being sent to wilderness and other treatment facilities.Listen and learn, parents.In this episode full of parenting tips from former troubled teens, we discuss:What does it feel like to be sent away to treatment as a teenager?;How can parents support their child before, during, and after treatment?What did their parents do that was very helpful for these struggling teens? And what was not helpful at all?;How does being sent away to treatment impact family dynamics and sibling relationships?Recognizing you don't know what your child is going through or has gone through in treatment;And more.Need support?

How can you trust your teen is learning and growing even when some behaviors look similar? Moving past your teen's previous behavior can feel hard, especially when they're showing similar behaviors now. But they've been to treatment, and they're older now, so how can you know whether it's a repetitive pattern behavior you're witnessing or whether maybe the same behavior has a completely different motivation behind it?When something's unknown, it's very easy and normal for us to look for a reference, a moment in the past that looked similar. It's like a trauma response. But it also means we're operating from a place of fear.“[As a parent], because I'm just waiting for it, because I just fear so much that you'll do it again, anything that looks like old behavior feels like a relapse.” - Trevor AllenAnd how does this reflect on your struggling teen? Do they feel seen for the person they are now or for the person they used to be? Your trauma response might involuntarily be communicating with your teen that you don't believe they've changed.“As someone who has gone through these changes, I can personally say, it's hurtful. … It's hurtful when someone doesn't see you in the new when you have done all of this work” - Seth GottliebI'm joined today by both Seth Gottlieb and Trevor Allen to shine a light on both the parent perspective and the teen perspective of this delicate topic.Is your teen really changing? Let's discuss it in today's episode.In this episode on learning how to trust your struggling teen again, we discuss:Are you unconsciously waiting for your teen's maladaptive behavior to happen again?;How can you know if your teen is changing?;What is true change?;The importance of seeing your teen for the individual they are, not the one they were;Learning how to trust your teen again;And much more!Need support?

We all have difficult relationships in our lives. A difficult relationship for me was the one with my father.We're a few days after Father's Day and I decided to dedicate this episode to my father. In this emotional episode, I'm sharing the talk I gave at my dad's funeral. I remember how extremely hard it was, wanting to speak to the reality of my childhood and our relationship and at the same time shine a light on some of his good qualities.“I remember just thinking and crying over how in the world I was going to express my conflicted feelings about [my dad]”  - Beth HillmanI hope this is helpful for you if you have (or had) a difficult relationship with your father as well. Or with one of your children. Or with anyone else close to you.Dad, this one is for you.In this episode on difficult relationships, I share:My difficult relationship with my father;The talk I gave at my father's funeral.Need support?