Unchained. Unbothered.

Georgia native Jaaza Clarke’s defining moment of adulthood was admitting she had chosen a field that wasn’t really the best fit for her. On this episode, she shares how she learned to regroup and reassess when she realized that her multiple interests resulted in her putting her most important passion on the back burner. She talks about listening to others’ voices and allowing them too much influence over her decisions. As a well-traveled woman who has lived and formed support networks outside of American borders, Jaaza also shares how many Black women she’s encountered who are foregoing motherhood because it’s a responsibility that would curtail their ability to live by the dictates of their own whims. She’s come to question the expectation that raising children should be something she plans to do simply because she is a woman. While most of her friends are mothers, Jaaza maintains the role has never really interested her. With the troubling condition of the current world and the sacrifices associated with motherhood, being childless strikes her as a much better option. Jaaza is honest about her struggle to nail down what is essential in her journey to freedom. She knows that peace and stability are paramount. However, she has a dormant desire to retire in Africa. While she knows the continent is not a cure-all for every trauma Black Americans experience in our own country, she does want to experience “what it feels like to see myself reflected everywhere I go. I want to be able to walk outside and see myself as the majority.”

A recent college graduate, Ashea Acevedo has spent a year in the work force and is preparing to attend graduate school soon. Born and raised in New York City, losing her mother as a young teenager gifted her with a wisdom about life and its challenges from a young age. On this episode, Ashea discusses one of the surprising realities of being an adult: no one considers you one if you’re still in your early 20s. She laments everyone from supervisors at work and family members at home dismissing her ideas and beliefs as if it is only age that is a determinant for smart decision-making. Ashea explains that being raised by a well-meaning father who did his best to prepare her for adult life came with the burden of unlearning some of those lessons he instilled. She talks about realizing the expectation that she give freely of her time and energy to people just because they needed you was what depleted her mother and exhausted other female relatives who had a hand in raising her. She cites the decision to create boundaries as key to her growth as a Black woman. This awareness of how we teach people there is nobility in giving until they’re depleted became sharper when Ashea was tasked to read “The Giving Tree” to her early elementary students. She refused to include the famous children’s story in her curriculum and continue the toxic narrative of happily allowing yourself to be chopped down into a stump in order to fulfill the whims of another. Ashea is so self-aware that she immediately admits her greatest struggle is to ask for help and accept it. Freedom has always meant financial independence – even from parents – so as a young woman just starting out in life, she is becoming more comfortable with not seeing financial help from her father as a weakness. “I’ve become better at asking for help and seeing it as making me a better person, a better adult,” Ashea says. “Asking my dad for money doesn’t make me any less free than if I didn’t need his help.”

Born and bred in the Bronx, Jackie Andalcio has taught high school in her hometown for three years. Her insular life as a Black girl raised in the New York City borough most known for its working class communities of color was in stark contrast to the life she discovered in college. On this episode, she talks about how the overwhelming whiteness of her college was one of many things that unsettled her once she became an adult. Jackie shares that in many ways, the role she played as peacekeeper in her family made her anxious and ill-equipped for dealing with the common travails of young adulthood. She had to learn how to advocate for herself in school, at the doctor’s office and eventually at work. An attractive woman of 25, Jackie is also balancing the fine act of making room for love, but not allowing an insincere lover to step over boundaries. She shares how she’s become more conscious of the relationship prototype that Black women are encouraged to seek: suffering and sacrifice until a man realizes you’re worth a relationship. She provides examples in pop culture and in everyday life of this “sassy” Black woman who complains about being treated poorly, but who does nothing about the poor treatment. She is getting better at ending relationships that take that shape as soon as they start. A Christian woman, Jackie also acknowledges the church’s historical allegiance to patriarchal archetypes have often led women of her mother’s generation to believe that this model of wife-as-sufferer is noble. Young Christian women her age, thankfully, reject such conditioning. Because she is committed to family and community, Jackie is beginning to see the need to create a path that is hers alone. “To consider myself free,” she says, “I need to be able to pursue the vision and desires I have for my life over anyone else’s vision or desire for me.”

Ethiopian by birth, but raised in Rwanda, Marianne Mesfin Asfaw has committed her professional life and her personal projects to gender equality on the continent she calls home. On this episode, she talks about how her job with an international women’s rights organization and her involvement with a collective of largely African feminists have informed how she navigates the world as a young feminist with global experiences. Marianne shares that her background as a global citizen began as early as her teens – where she studied in the West and lived with her sisters. She explains that such an early taste of independence makes it difficult now to deal with older people who don’t take her seriously just because she’s in her twenties. Having returned to Rwanda in the past year, she also is finding it difficult to deal with the suggestion that she devote more time to preparing for marriage or otherwise tailoring her behavior to fit the cultural standards of a young woman who is on the marriage market. Marianne shares stories of professional conversations with mentor figures turning into guidance on how to seek a life partner, older women dismissing her indifference to starting a family with edicts that “you’ll get over that,” and the occasional free spirited auntie showing her how to push back against such restrictive cultural norms. Marianne also shares how her studies in gender politics and her maturity as a young adult have caused her to critique pop culture and the media she consumed as a high school student. She even reflects more seriously on what her work in women’s rights has shown her about how much danger and fear large segments of women around the world must navigate on a daily basis. “As a young woman who does feminist work,” Marianne explains. “I am aware of how much we have to think about our own safety.” Marianne then goes on to cite what it would take for her to be able to claim the title of free. “I always wonder what it would be like to feel safe and not have to calculate my every move to avoid potential harm. I think once we have that for more women, I would feel free.”

When 27-year-old Danielle Taylor was in her teens, she imagined her late 20s would find her securely settled into a dream career and married with one child under her care and another on the way. In this episode, she shares how she came to reconcile her fantasy life with the reality of womanhood. Taking a while to find the right job in the field that was most congruent with her personality and passions wasn’t as simple as she thought it would be. She dated like most young people, but while still in her mid-20s learned that choosing the right partner was even trickier than choosing the right career. As she approaches her 30s, she talks about how grateful she is that she doesn’t have two kids calling her Mommy. Danielle opens up about coming to the decision not to have children at all – even if she does eventually find her ideal partner and they decide to marry. Her time struggling to find herself and her place in the world helped her to see that she really didn’t want to raise children. Danielle cites many reasons why, though she enjoys spending time with kids, she prefers the ones who can be returned. She talks about friends and family sometimes judging her choice simply because it is different than their own. As she reflects on her growth, Danielle ends by saying she seeks to find balance and happiness in her life. “My burning question is always ‘what do I really enjoy doing.’ I need to find out what really brings me joy instead of just what I do because an adult is supposed to do it.”

On this short episode, Keturah Kendrick drops by to check in on the listening audience. Expressing her concern about “the virus” and its rapid ravaging of the world, Keturah reflects on how this season’s focus on millennial women has actually given her hope. She talks about the young women’s self-awareness and commitment to their own paths and offers their insight into the world of young womanhood as signs that we will be alright. Keturah also informs the audience that she’s started a patreon page to offer bonus episodes and monthly columns to loyal fans. Exploring in greater depth the topics explored here on the show and in her book, this exclusive community of free women provides thought and dialogue to like-minded women.

Hailing from West Philadelphia, Shannon Griffin was exploring opportunities outside of her neighborhood from the time she was a teenager. On this episode, the 25-year-old traveler and thrill seeker talks about living in a predominantly Black neighborhood but going to school across town in an affluent, nonblack community. She explains how, in many ways, navigating these two worlds prepared her well for her college and post-college lives. After graduating from a university where she was one of few Black students, she moved to China. Shannon is honest about the hilarity and awkwardness that have been the themes of her experiences in the three years she’s called China home. She shares stories of curious questions about her hair as well as sincere attempts to connect with her and empathize with the oppressive treatment of Black Americans by their own country. Shannon is also honest about how cavalier she’s been in making lifestyle choices. While she’s grateful to exist in a time period where Black women can be flighty and just jump right into non-traditional lives without hesitation, she is cognizant that she’ll be thirty in only a few years. She is beginning to realize while the paths she’s taken so far have helped her grow and gifted her with many lessons, she has yet to take one that has purpose. She’s acutely aware that she needs to find her life’s mission. When asked if her life challenges what it means to be a good Black woman, Shannon thinks about the fact that she is an 18-hour flight away from all the people who share her last name in West Philadelphia. “I think I’m challenging this notion that you have to sacrifice everything for your family. I love them, but I don’t see it as necessary to return to Philadelphia or even American once I’m ready to leave China.”

A native New Yorker, Ama Gyamerah currently lives in California where she works in the film industry. With parents from Ghana and a network of women from the African diaspora, Ama formed a strong identity as a young girl of color before she was even in high school. On this episode, she talks about the shock to her system that was adulthood. Having attended an all-girls’ high school in East Harlem where everyone looked like her and believed in her, she didn’t quite know how to navigate the assumptions made about her once she went to a predominantly white university in a town that didn’t mirror the diversity of New York City. She shares microaggressions endured at the hands of white roommates and overt racist vitriol spewed on social media platforms during the height of the Black Lives Matter movement. Post-college, she was confronted with the reality of bills and entry level jobs that didn’t always cover all those bills. It was through these brand new traumatic experiences that Ama learned the true meaning of self-care. She began to practice the skill of pulling back from “the struggle” when said struggle was draining. Instead of always being in warrior mode, she learned to pour into herself. Because Ama’s older sister is a strong proponent of utilizing mental health services, Ama was also able to access consistent therapy. Because her mother and the other women who raised her had deeply entrenched West African values, the idea of having any other comfort for mental anguish outside of God was unfamiliar to her. She credits her sister’s wisdom and worldliness for exposing her to such a life-transformative resource. When Ama reflects on a narrative about Black womanhood she has come to challenge, it is the belief that Black women always have to be strong. She has always been a very emotional and sensitive person and grew up hearing that she needed to toughen up. “I don’t think it’s true that being sensitive and emotional are weaknesses,” she says. “I feel deeply and am not strong in the way people think Black women are supposed to be. I think vulnerability is important and doesn’t need to be corrected.”

At 23 years old, Armani Eady has committed her life to social justice – even if it doesn’t always mean she’ll create from scratch the platform from which to do it. On this episode, she shares how the first thing she did as a brand new college freshman was charter her predominately white university’s first ever organization for Black women’s equal and fair access to the school’s resources. Having gone to an all-girls high school where the student body and some of the faculty looked like her and reflected her worldview, Armani underestimated how life outside of her comfortable girl power bubble would require her to explain herself and resist constant edicts to shrink herself. She admits that those first few years post-high school surprised her because she’d never considered there were multiple ways to do womanhood and college exposed her to the diversity in choices young women like her were making. She has used these years in her young adulthood to learn how to enter romantic relationships from a place of wholeness, to adjust how she practices her faith and to take advantage of mental health services that are invaluable for her growth. As she works towards being a free Black woman in every sense of the word, Armani says what she needs to claim that title is to commit herself to her own wellness. “I’ve learned a lot of people aren’t interested in being well,” Armani states. “I decided I would be committed to being a well woman so I can help others become well, too.”

23-year-old Adanna Perry is fresh out of college and works as an elementary school teacher. She proudly identifies as a Black feminist and worked as an activist for the rights of Black women while in college. On this episode, she shares how difficult she found adjusting to adulthood once she left the community of sisterhood that formed while in her all-girls’ high school and continued as the friends she made there remained in close proximity to each other. A key difficulty Adanna encountered in post-college life was not having as easy access to this sisterhood once adulthood hit and everyone went their separate ways to start their lives. Adanna struggled to figure out how to assert herself at work without reinforcing the “angry black woman” trope she instinctively knew would be impossible to overcome. Adanna also shares how romantic relationships presented challenges as well because she was committed to being her authentic feminist self in every aspect of life. She discovered that the men who were attracted to her assertiveness and commitment to self didn’t support this self-preservation if it disrupted the narrative of how a black woman should conduct herself in a heterosexual relationship. She reminisces about what she learned from watching her mother put her own needs on the back burner as she supported her husband and cared for her children. Adanna commits herself to centering herself always – even when/if she decides to take on a traditional nuclear family. Out of all the lessons Adanna has learned in this year and a half of “grown up life,” the most important is to acknowledge her own self-worth, absent of her ability to please others. “I’ve learned that my value is not based on what I can do for other people or what I can give them,” Adanna says. “I, myself, am valuable just because I am me.”

30-year-old Amal White is a social worker by trade, but considers herself to be an activist who centers the struggles of Black women in her work. In this episode she talks about why she tells younger millennials that “adulthood is the ghetto.” According to Amal, the womanhood she’s experienced over the last decade has looked nothing like the womanhood she envisioned when she was a teenager. She thought she’d be married by twenty-one and mothering her first child by twenty-three. Amal talks about how messaging from the single women in her family and society in general caused her to think of marriage and motherhood as expectations of adulthood instead of choices one makes when becoming an adult. Amal also shares how easy it is to succumb to the pressure many women feel to shrink themselves for acceptance. “We’re not encouraged to be who we really are,” she says. “And when we are who we are, we’re seen as problematic.” Amal cites examples of ending relationships with good men and needing the freedom of mobility as ways in which she has been made to feel like she wants too much. When asked what she wished she could gift other women in her peer group, she doesn’t hesitate and says, “The courage to be their authentic selves. No one is going to let you be you. You really do have to take it.”

Entrepreneur and traveler, Tameshia Ridge started her international life like many millennials: she did a study abroad program that placed her in East Africa. In this episode, she explains how her ambition to eventually become a diplomat shifted once she had spent some time interning with the Rwandan government. Having connected with No Thanks: Black, Female and Living in The Martyr-Free Zone, Tameshia shares that the questions which propelled Keturah to move abroad were the same questions that inspired her to leave Rwanda and relocate to the west side of Africa. Noting that much of the book resonated with her, Tameshia focuses on the theme that unlike what many assume, working in Africa wasn’t transformative, missionary work. She expresses how ridiculous such an assumption is, particularly, when you are an educated American expat. “You end up trading one system of oppression (racism) for another. In Africa, that’s classism.” Being honest about the western privilege many Black American expats won’t talk about, Tameshia explains that she’s been able to accomplish so much overseas because of her passport privilege. To further her mission to debunk myths about being Black and American in Africa, she is candid when girlfriends ask her about moving to the continent to find their African king and get citizenship. “I only have my story about dating and what I know is factual about Ghana’s right to abode laws.” Tameshia also probes Keturah about a sentence in No Thanks in which she refers to her time abroad better equipping her for “self-salvation.” This leads into an insightful discussion about how it becomes easier to own your truth when you are constantly confronted with a culture that challenges who you are at your very core. Tameshia thanks Keturah for writing No Thanks, stating, “If I had this book eight years ago when I first moved to Africa, it would have made my landing a bit easier. I would have had the language for what I was feeling and experiencing.”

Keturah Kendrick chats with The Soul Sisters Book Club about "No Thanks: Black, Female, and Living in the Martyr-Free Zone." Based in Tennessee, the group discusses how they identified with Keturah's observations about how marriage is dangled in front of single women like a carrot and the condescension that results when you are a single woman who doesn't really care about that carrot. Several members share their own stories of not desiring marriage and having their words questioned, their values judged. Because of this, the group discusses in depth how often black women, in particular, aren’t believed. Whether it is about their own condition or even their pain, there is a persistent denial that the black woman herself is telling the truth about her existence. The club also asks Keturah questions about being an atheist and probe her for greater detail about living abroad. One member talks about defending her own nonbelief to a stranger in the grocery store and how this, too, is another aspect of black womanhood that is not believed as one’s truth. There is discussion of how many women around the world don’t know their own worth and Keturah shares anecdotes of women she’s met in her travels who succumb to the message that they are either not enough or too much. The women also probe Keturah about the candor in her essays about living in Rwanda and China. From loneliness to western privilege to still having to navigate white foolishness, Keturah goes into greater depth about what the expat life is like for single, black women abroad. Moderated by performance artist, speaker and reader, Dr. Kimberly Chandler, the women discuss the depth of the book's content with laughter and lightness. “I love that this book gives you the sense that whatever you feel in your heart is okay,” a soul sister says. “And the older I get, the more that is me.”

Leader of the Sistahs in the Story Book Club, Angela Smith goes into greater detail about connections she had to No Thanks: Black, Female, and Living in the Martyr-Free Zone. Referring to stories from the book club discussion in episodes 38 and 39, Angela explains how the female members of her family accosted her at a cookout because she was approaching her 40s and didn’t have children. She shares why she believes even her closest friends have questioned her choice to remain childfree: they never considered any other option for themselves and her presence shows them that there were many. Angela also retells the story of choosing to end a long-term relationship instead of following her boyfriend of 14 years across the country. She reflects on how shocked her boyfriend was when she said she had no interest in uprooting her life and moving to another state. This leads into a discussion about the outdated mindset that a woman’s greatest desire is to be chosen by a good man. Angela notes that it has only been a few decades since women could not even get a credit card without a husband’s signature. Therefore, she is unsurprised that her former beau assumed she would move away with him so he would continue to choose her. Angela is unbothered by what people assume she should do. A true free black woman, she casually says, “I find freedom in having options. And as long as there are options out there to have, I will keep taking them.”

Continuing the conversation from episode 37, Keturah chats with The Sistahs in the Story Book Club. The Chicago-based readers share even more personal connections to “No Thanks: Black, Female and Living in the Martyr-Free Zone.” Two of the women share how much they identified with the book’s theme of being content with their lives enough not to uproot them simply because their romantic partner wanted to marry. One member talks about not following her long-term partner across the country when he was offered a job opportunity. Another sistah chimes in with her story of letting her then-fiance know it was not worth it for her to sell her house and uproot her children just to relocate to another state because her future husband had an opportunity there. There is also extensive discussion about how easy it is not to see the shaming that occurs when Black women, particularly, choose themselves over children and husbands. Moderator, Dr. Kimberly Chandler, brings the discussion to a close by getting final thoughts from Keturah and the book club members. Keturah expresses her wish that we allow for a wider array of narratives to be given value in Black and mainstream culture so people don’t have to spend most of their lives trying to find the courage to own their truth. The Sistahs in the Story Book Club expresses their gratitude one last time for the gift of No Thanks. “You say give this book to a 20-year-old college student,” one of the ladies reflects. “But no, I’m not waiting that long. I’m giving it to the 15-year-old girls in the group I mentor so they can know early on it is okay not to want what everyone says they should want.”

Keturah Kendrick chats with The Sistahs in the Story Book Club about "No Thanks: Black, Female, and Living in the Martyr-Free Zone." Based in Illinois, the group of friends wanted to talk about why they identified with certain themes, had questions about others and general thoughts on the book's importance and relevance. Moderated by performance artist, speaker and reader, Dr. Kimberly Chandler, the women discuss the depth of the book's content with laughter and lightness. One sistah shares her story of her 21-year-old self marrying the father of her child even though her gut was telling her it was a huge mistake. “He was a liar and a cheater and I knew it and still married him anyway. That’s really sad.” Another sistah entertains the group with her story of being cornered at a family cookout and told by the women in her family it was time for her to start using her womb for the reason God had given it to her. “They called my grandma over too and all of a sudden it turned into this whole thing where everyone was dissecting what was wrong with me because I didn’t want kids.” Sprinkled in with anecdotes from Keturah’s own experiences while on book tour and Kimberly’s personal choices that have also caused pushback in her church community and others, The Sistahs in the Story Book Club probe deep into the messages of “No Thanks” and courageously share their connections to it.

Artist, reader, black feminist and self-described “book fairy,” Ola Ronke started the Free Black Women’s Library four years ago. With the impetus of wanting to create a space for black women to share and read works by other black women, she began collecting books and reaching out to friends for donations. On this episode, Ola boasts that she stopped counting the books once they reached 1200. She has books from different genres, different writing styles, different world perspectives. The only common link between each book is the author is a black woman. Each month, the library is at a different location in New York City (mostly in Brooklyn) and Ola curates discussions, workshops and author talks when the library makes its next stop. In addition to enhancing the literary lives of the readers who follow the library wherever it goes, Ola feels taking on this labor of love has given her so much as well. She talks about how it expanded her reading palate and opened her up to genres of literature she never even considered exploring. She feels it lights a fire in her to see through her 1200 books just how diverse in experiences and talents black women are. Running the Free Black Women’s Library has also forced Ola to become bolder and more assertive, which were not a part of her personality four years ago. She’s emailed some of the leading authors of today, asking them to come and speak at the library. Most of them graciously take her up on the invitation. Ola also talks about her mission in life and how it fits with what she is doing with the library and her work as an artist. She wants to create and celebrate beauty. She describes creativity as her super power so “I am fueled to create beauty, joy and love. And sensuality and pleasure are part of that creation as well.”

Host of the bold and unapologetic podcast, Comfortably Excluded, Montyy Taj grew up often being the “only one.” She was bussed into a “better” school district and enrolled in Advanced Placement course so she became used to being the Black kid who was excluded from the social network whiteness and middle class status brings. In addition to her podcast, Montyy is also working on a documentary, Running with My Girls, about women of color in Denver who are campaigning for political office. In this episode, Montyy explains how the idea for her podcast was born out of her journey to get comfortable with not being included in spaces that were unwelcoming to her. She brings on guests who have found a way to create thriving lives for themselves in spaces where they are not organically included and also shares her perspectives on pop culture happenings. Her goal is to move the show in a slightly different direction, featuring the voices of Black Denver residents, specifically, whose presence in the city is often invisible as white power structures actively seek to erase them. Montyy also shares her frustration with the silence surrounding the invisibility of Black queer and transwomen. Since she grounds her own work in the Black community, it is difficult for her to reconcile the community’s allegiance to the safety and humanity of the heterosexual male with its indifference to the record number of murders of queer and transwomen. She connects this apathy to how deeply engrained patriarchal structures are in every aspect of society - its grip on socially conservative Black folk especially tight. This truth makes Montyy all the more aware of how difficult it is for a Black woman to claim freedom. “It is a moving target, an ever going, uphill battle – especially for the Black woman,” she says. “But, I find freedom when I take back my narrative and give myself permission to find my own way.”

31-year-old Phoenix Williams dropped out of college seven years ago to follow her dream of becoming a fulltime author. Having now published many books and established a platform as a speaker and lecturer, she has no regrets. On this episode, she talks about giving herself permission to live her truth. She writes for black women who are still stuck in what they “should” do or “should” be, hoping that the characters she creates will give these women the courage to stop caring about all the “shoulds.” Readers of her erotica often comment on how the stories helped them embrace their sexuality and be honest with their partners about what they wanted. Getting her readers to be more honest with themselves is part of Phoenix’s mission. In one of her most popular series, she makes sure there is at least one character who is going to therapy and is supported by friends and family in their decision to do so. She wants to destigmatize seeking out mental health services in the black community. She also wants her characters to get her readers to be more honest with the people they love. “I am living my best life right now,” Phoenix laughs. “But sometimes you need help to live your best life. You need to actually be honest with the people you love, too.” Since many read to see themselves in the stories that authors tell, Phoenix has been intentional in showing her loyal followers Black women who are being authentic and bold. Characters who are connected to people and resources who will help them be the best versions of themselves. It is Phoenix’s wish that her readers model their example.

Travel Enthusiast and Accidental Entrepreneur, Cole Banks started Sisters Traveling Solo as a Facebook group. It was her response to an internet debate that discouraged Black women, particularly, from traveling the world unaccompanied. In this episode, Cole talks about the overnight success of that Facebook group. She had to quit a good job (that she enjoyed) unexpectantly when she went from hosting five trips in one year to putting together a team that organized twenty before the year ended. Cole shares that Sisters Traveling Solo is now much more than a Facebook group and successful business. It is a platform for Black women to share their joy exploring the world on their own and to build community for when they want to be in Peru with twenty other Black women in addition to sightseeing in Spain alone. She says that the fear family and friends often project onto single women when they get wanderlust is not allowed in the Facebook group that now boasts 70,000 members. She and her team have worked hard to create a space where statements like, “I am afraid to go here” don’t pop up in threads. Instead, the group has an abundance of “I took my first solo trip and I loved it!” posts that garner hundreds of support responses and impromptu trips among the members. In addition to sharing how much joy she gets from watching total strangers become best friends over the course of a week-long trip, Cole is honest about the amount of time and work she has to do to make sure her customers never see or feel how much has gone into their seamless trips. She talks about the realities of having this new good job (that she enjoys) in which she is “on vacation” more times than she is at home. While she is filled with gratitude for how well her business is doing, she admits she’s trying to find balance between organizing others’ memorable vacations and having enough free time to go on her own, even if it’s just to relax without a phone or laptop for a few days. All in all, she is content with her choice to leave her cushy job. “I don’t ever forget I have the life many people dream of,” Cole states. “I set my own schedule and make my own rules. I am always having a new experience in a different part of the world. I know that is no small thing.” It is also no small thing that she has turned this dream job into a million-dollar company in only three years.

A native of Chicago, Chineka Nikko is at her happiest when she is inspiring others to be their best self and shining her positive light on the accomplishments of women who do the same. A poet, inspirational speaker and all around giving human being, she has seen her work and platform as an artist grow since moving to China. In this episode, she shares how her first experience living overseas was through military service and her current experience came after having no other choice but to leave Chicago. A sudden job loss along with an invitation from an old friend to move to Asia were the perfect combination for Chineka to start a new life. She has no regrets and feels it is the best decision she’s ever made. She has had no trouble finding work and has seen what was once a glorified hobby turn into a platform as a speaker and poet. She explains how quickly things happen in China and how many times what she thought of as a small, community event at which she had been asked to speak turned out to be a “big deal with news crews and cameras and more people asking me to write other stuff for them.” Chineka also addresses what is a recurring question by family and friends back home: “But, are there Black people in China, though?” She laughs as she cites all the Black people she has met from all across the diaspora since moving to China. She tries to be humble as she says she has about a hundred friends who, at any given moment, would offer her their bed, food, money and even a job if she needed it. She quickly confesses she low balled the number and has more like two hundred members of her tribe; the vast majority of them are Black. Though she had (and still has) a supportive network of people in Chicago, something about her network in China has resulted in Chineka being free to explore a much fuller version of herself. “It’s almost like I am living in a dream. It’s hard to explain, but I have accomplished and grown so much in my three years here. I have had to force myself to slow down.”

Popular guest from Season 1, Tracy Adams, returns to talk to Keturah about her new book, No Thanks: Black, Female, and Living in the Martyr-Free Zone. Having known Keturah as a friend and blogger for a decade, Tracy wanted to learn about why Keturah chose to document some of their personal conversations and topics she’s written about many times on her blog, Yet Another Single Gal, in this new collection of essays. Keturah explains that two years spent in Africa and the death of musical icon, Prince, were pivotal moments that compelled her to commit to sharing her insights about being a woman whose lifestyle choices center her needs and the pushback she and other Black women endure when they make such choices. Keturah talks about how living abroad has impacted the way she looks at patriarchy and whiteness. She explains that many women she has encountered surrender to both. In her book she tells their stories as well as those whose very lives challenge both systems with bold defiance. When asked if readers of No Thanks will be rewarded with a detailed instruction of how to get free, Keturah responds with her trademark authenticity and wit. “I don’t want women to pick up this book because they watched every episode of Iyanla’s Fix My Life and their life is not yet fixed.” Keturah laughs as she asserts: “You don’t need me or Iyanla to fix your life. You already know how to do it. You just may not be talking with yourself enough. But, you know already know what does and does not need fixing. You also know why you ain’t fixing it…yet.”

Originally from Haiti, Jude-Laure Denis moved to the United States at the age of seven largely because her grandmother feared that a girlchild with such a strong sense of self, will to learn and determination to fight would wither away in their home country. In this episode, she talks about how in addition to the gift of protective elders, her family also left her the legacy of silence. They did not talk about the generations of abuse and secrets that her grandmother could not protect Jude from. She talks about how her life as an adult has been spent trying to unravel the lies she learned to tell as a result of being raised in a family where truth was rarely spoken. Jude explains how she has had to find blueprints for how to find her truth. One powerful blueprint was her life partner, Carol Francis, who challenged Jude to become her best self. Jude also talks about how Beyonce’s Homecoming performance helped her deal with the disenchantment she felt as a social justice activist who worked with organizations that didn’t value racial justice as much as they proclaimed. She speaks of how much she has come to appreciate this generation’s embracing of themselves and black women, particularly, being a lot more intuitive to when they are being asked to sacrifice themselves and pushing back against such oppression. She highlights this freedom to live out loud with an anecdote about her niece who questioned her teacher’s version of The Civil Rights Movement. “She was barely in first grade,” Jude marvels. “And was able to articulate quite clearly why the teacher was selling her bullshit. I don’t remember being that aware at such a young age.”

48-year old accountant Gail Newton Howell grew up parenting her mother. With no other children besides her daughter and no supportive spouse, Gail’s mother leaned on her daughter in ways that made it impossible for her to enjoy a carefree childhood. In this episode, Gail outlines her road to ending contact with her mother. She describes a childhood spent enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship with her mother. From enduring her excessive drinking to trying to understand why she treated her with such harshness, Gail learned early on that she had to protect her heart from her mother while protecting her mother from adult responsibilities. Gail describes her first attempt to extricate herself from the toxicity of her and her mother’s relationship. While still a teenager, she left her mother’s house and moved down South to live with relatives. This attempt was not successful as her mother followed her. As Gail matured and sought out therapy, she set up more concrete boundaries. Eventually, in her late 30s Gail’s mother disregarded her in such a cavalier way, Gail decided to completely sever their relationship. In addition to sharing her personal experience, Gail talks about how societal elevation of motherhood contributes to adult children feeling guilty about wanting to sever ties with mothers even when those mothers treat them with disdain. She admonishes anyone who is dealing with an abusive parent to choose themselves. “No one has the right to make your life miserable,” Gail insists. “The only regret I have about ending communication with my mother is how long I waited to do it. I could have felt this sense of freedom much sooner had I not dealt with her foolishness for as long as I did.”

Activist, storyteller and proud preserver of Black Southern culture, Wendi Moore-O’Neal honors the legacy left by her parents - both engaged participants in the Civil Rights Movement and dedicated creators of art and culture. In this episode, Wendi shares how her experience as a community organizer and artist impacted how she dealt with rebuilding a battered New Orleans after the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. She is honest about the blockades to bring back residents who were misplaced after the storm, citing that even she, a college educated professional organizer had trouble finding work that paid her enough money to survive and also allowed her the freedom to rebuild New Orleans the way she and its generations of residents needed it to be rebuilt. Wendi also talks about the mismanagement of financial resources that contributed to many black New Orleanians never being able to return home and the strategic way in which governmental entities sent the message that Black culture did not possess the skill set to properly remake a city that had been broken. Wendi’s honesty continues as she shares how “new” New Orleanians contribute to the city’s rebranding in ways that make her uncomfortable. She ultimately addresses this discomfort in the way she knows best: through the creation of art. She regularly hosts get togethers where marginalized New Orleanians sing together and has produced a film, This Little Light. The film tells the story of how the blockade to progress in New Orleans impacted her personally when she was fired from an organization because she married her wife. As Wendi explores what it will take for New Orleans to be free of what blocks it from the kind of progress she would like to see, she continues her pattern of unabashed honesty. “It won’t be free for the same reason none of us are free. Even in 2019, New Orleans, like many places around the world, is based on a plantation economy.” Wendi explains how it is a city built on the backs of the working class. “This is how capitalism works; all of the wealth is gained on the labor of working people.” *Shortly after recording this episode, Wendi’s father, John O’Neal, passed away. We offer her and the entire Black South our condolences as he was an icon and culture bearer in not only the Freedom Movement of the 1960s, but in the Black Southern Arts Movement as well.

Host of the popular Baltimore radio show, Today with Dr. Kaye, Karsonya Wise Whitehead is an accomplished scholar, author, activist and speaker. She has had many missions in the course of her career: street activist, advocate for public education and prolific writer for black mothers who are trying to raise healthy black children in America. In this episode, she talks about making the choice to serve her mission based on wherever she was in her life at the time. She explains that a challenge from a listener of her radio show sparked her to examine how she could use herself and her show to bring the racial disparities in Baltimore to the forefront of its residents’ awareness. As a university professor and speaker, Dr. Kaye shares how she has come to reclaim her time and energy. She rejects the expectation that black women, in general, and black women scholars, in particular, should make it their mission to educate white people on white supremacy. Dr. Kaye candidly expresses her disinterest in playing mammy to white America as it still struggles to figure out how to unpack its privilege. When asked about being a free black woman, she provides a nuanced answer that speaks to the complexities of being nonwhite and nonmale in today’s world. She notes freedom is a process and not a goal that one is even consciously seeking most times. “Part of what freedom looks like for me,” Karsonya says, “is being able to have difficult conversations with myself and forgiving myself when I fall short. It is allowing myself not to be perfect.”

A native of New York City and current resident of New Orleans, Sister Raie is one of those 21st century women whose answer to “Who are you?” is wonderfully layered. An international singer and songwriter, she is an advocate for mental health in the black community and the sexual and romantic exploration of women. An enthusiastic arts educator, she is also the founder of In My Words, a project that mentors girls of color who show a passion for expressing themselves through the arts. In this episode, Sister Raie shares her insights on what it means to be in a romantic relationship that brings her the most peace. She has had conversations with partners about not walking away from a sexual relationship with someone else when she is on the road for long stretches of time because she is unwilling to deny herself intimacy. Because rigid monogamy feels counterintuitive in those situations, Raie is honest about the communication and candor necessary in order to maintain a semi-open relationship that gives her and her partner what they need. She also delves into how many friends she’s talked to over the years who are afraid to act on their sexuality – whether it is trying open relationships or simply pleasuring themselves – and how this timidity is their way of saying, “There is not enough space in my life to fully be me.” A digression into the topic of the sex life of a fictional character on a critically acclaimed television show also leads Sister Raie to challenge people’s reaction to the mythical, oft-demonized “hoe” archetype. Sister Raie also shares one of the reasons why she has been able to embrace her entire sexual self as she’s grown into womanhood. “I have let go of the quest for the perfect body in order to enjoy my sexuality.” Sister Raie used to have a rigid view on how her breasts should lay and how her butt should look. “Young Sister Raie saw her body through the eyes of the lover who was looking at her naked.” she says. “Sister Raie now sees her body as her own. I am just it.”

From a “cheeky” brunch series in honor of Michelle Obama, Chana Ewing has grown her passion for women’s empowerment into a business that features black women sharing their strategies for maintaining balance and wellness. In this episode, Chana talks about the road to establishing Geenie Box and the concept behind a different woman each month curating a gift box of the things that sustain her. She also shares her mission as an entrepreneur and consultant: to change the narrative of black womanhood from simply surviving to thriving. She admits that Geenie Box is just as helpful to her as it is to her customers. She learns from each curator and listens as they share routines and strategies that have helped them grow personally and professionally. Chana reflects on the growth she has undertaken since she started her brunch series ten years ago. She sees herself unlocking the woman she wants to become and enjoying the process along the way. “I am sick of this fascination with the destination,” she says. “I feel like we should enjoy where we are now because if we don’t, even when we get to whatever the destination is, we still won’t find peace.”

Eight years ago, Evita Robinson started the Nomadness Travel Tribe as an online community of about 100 black millennials who shared the common interest of travel. Today, Nomadness is 22,000 members strong and in addition to orchestrating epic tribe trips to all corners of the globe, Nomadness also has regular meet ups and partnerships with travel brands that are just now catching on to the black travel movement. It has also spearheaded its first conference dedicated to the needs, interests and passions of its largely black female members. In this episode, Evita shares how her popularity in high school combined with her natural affinity for planning large scale parties sparked her mission to bring communities of like-minded people together. With the help of her mother, she nurtured her talent for throwing fun, respectful and well-executed events that people looked forward to attending each year. She also talks about how what was once a burgeoning movement a decade ago is closer to becoming the norm for many Black Americans. Since the fresh-faced young professionals who joined the tribe at its infancy are now becoming parents themselves, this next generation of “junior nomads” will have grown up with travel as such an every-day part of their lives that it will be only their parents who can appreciate what a privilege this luxury of collecting passport stamps is. Evita also speaks about the importance of taking trips that go beyond just flossing for the ‘gram. “I think every two years you should take a trip that humbles you,” Evita says. The key to finding freedom in any trip outside of American borders is to make sure she comes back “not complaining about the same shit as I was when I left.”

Of Ghanaian heritage, but born and raised in New Orleans, Louisiana, Dr. Yaba Blay has devoted her scholarship to the nuances inherent in women of the African diaspora claiming their freedom. She explains how the concept of her popular web series, Professional Black Girl, grew out of her intentional choice to explore beauty politics and how Black women engage with their bodies as a result of it. Originally intended to be a fun documentary about her and her sistafriends’ obsession with a large beauty supply store in North Carolina, Professional Black Girl now has become a series of videos of Black women sharing how committed they are to their grooming process and celebrating the aspects of beautifying one’s self that are exclusive to Black girl culture. Yaba intends the series to be a celebration of Black women’s beauty and fashion choices, regardless of what those choices are. As the series goes into its second season, Yaba reflects on how simply creating and producing Professional Black Girl has helped her unchain herself from the notion of what it means to be “professional.” Like many Black women with careers in academia, she once committed herself to sounding and looking like what white supremacy decided was “professional.” She accepted positions at universities that were overwhelmingly white and acted accordingly. Now, with PBG reflecting her love of black girlness, she has no interest in the performance of whiteness that passes for professionalism. She has become unapologetic in choosing to live in only black ass cities and spend her time doing black ass things. “Blackness is at the forefront of my identity,” Yaba says. “There is no place where I can thrive if my love for my people and my culture are not fed.”

On episode 6, Donnalee Donaldson shared her journey to global citizenship, which started when she left Jamaica at sixteen and headed to the United States. She eventually found her way to Rwanda in East Africa. On this episode, she returns to share her adventures traveling to over twenty African nations in the five years she has called Kigali, Rwanda home. From her deeply spiritual backpacking trip across Ethiopia to partying in Uganda to reveling in the traces of Jamaica she found in Ghana, Donna speaks passionately about all that Africa has to offer the traveler who is open to experiences beyond safari. She also debunks common myths about the continent, including one prevalent among black travelers who romanticize the motherland. Committed to highlighting the excellence overflowing in many African nations, Donna hosts the podcast, Diaspora Diaries, which highlights innovators, influencers and entrepreneurs who call Africa home.

On episode 2, Doreen Yomoah shared her insights about being an African woman who has chosen not to have children. She also shared stories of how rejecting motherhood was just one way of rejecting patriarchal expectations that are placed on the shoulders of African women. Returning for a deeper dive into the childfree-by-choice life, she uses this episode to explain why she believes more African women are not vocal about not wanting children. She also further connects the assumption that women are just natural caregivers to socialization by explaining how her day job involves researching these assumptions about gender and what it biologically predetermines. She talks about how most people do not notice the intense pronatalist propaganda in their communities because they see the adulthood = parenthood narrative as just the default. A discussion about Michelle Obama’s wildly successful memoir also sparks an analysis of how attached many cultures are to the expectation that women do the heavy lifting of parenting. “Aside from the stigma of if you are a woman, you must have a child, we need to address the other stigma of if you are a man you are just supposed to be the breadwinner and taking care of children is not your role,” Doreen says. “Both narratives are different sides of the same coin.”

In this final episode of season one, Keturah Kendrick explains why she started Unchained. Unbothered. Detailing life-long experiences, she shares how it has always been her goal not to be suffocated. Keturah gives examples of how often black women are suffocated by assumptions, expectations and hidden agendas that are touted to them as in their best interest. In addition to her own experiences, she talks about hearing the stories of other women as she’s traveled the world. Because of patterns she has seen in these stories, she began conceptualizing a show that featured women who fought against their own suffocation. Women who claimed themselves the captains of their own ships as they steered confidently from the helm. “I no longer feel ashamed for believing I am enough for me,” Keturah states. “My life matters more to me than anyone else’s. And it will be my voice I heed when I make decisions regarding that life.”

Author of The Ebony Exodus Project: Why Some Black Women Are Walking Out on Religion – And Others Should Too, Candace Gorham describes her younger self as much more “deep into religion” than the average child. She actively involved herself in both the Jehovah’s Witness and the Methodist church. On this episode, she shares her journey from becoming an ordained minister while she was barely out of her teens to trading in religious belief for secular humanism. After a young adulthood spent worshipping god and ministering to his flock, she began to question common precepts in the Christian faith. After examining the biblical text more in depth and exposing herself to others outside of it, Candace began her slow, yet steady progression to atheism. It was this journey to non-belief that inspired her to compile the stories of other black women like her in The Ebony Exodus Project. Once she finally accepted that she could no longer honestly claim belief in a supernatural power, she sought out other women from her cultural background who felt as she did. What she discovered was a common theme in their journey to non-belief: examining the biblical text more critically and coming to the logical conclusion that the Christian construct of god was more fallacy than truth. When she thinks about the gift of embracing humanism, Candace expresses gratitude for letting go of the anxiety she felt as a devout Christian. “I no longer have fear of hell or the god who might send me there,” she says. “I feel like it freed me from constantly thinking about all the ways I could put my very soul at risk.”

A bi-sexual woman, Olivia Lollis did not know she could choose other love structures besides monogamy. She knew of polygamy and found the practice unfair and sexist so she practiced monogamy almost out of ignorance. With no knowledge of other forms of ethical non-monogamy, she ended up partnering with one man at a time. On this episode, she talks about discovering swinging as a single woman and exploring this form of non-monogamy on her own before meeting and marrying a man who was also interested in the practice. She was soon to learn that control of women’s sexuality was not unique just to monogamy. As a swinging couple, her husband wanted to control every aspect of who they partnered with, only consenting to an encounter when the woman fit his standards. When Olivia began to desire more than just sex with one particular woman, her husband tried to guilt her for wanting to fully practice polyamory. She began to realize that her sexuality had to be expressed through him while not threatening his ego. Olivia also talks about coming to the realization that her partnerships with heterosexual men often led to them exploiting her bisexuality for their own personal gain. It was when she decided being solo poly was best for her that she began to figure out a relationship configuration that worked. She now has multiple relationships that are separate from each other. She no longer shies away from letting a heterosexual male partner know that when she says “I am looking for a girlfriend,” it means a girlfriend for her and her alone. “I have freed myself from being sexual property,” Olivia says. “I am my primary partner and all others are secondary.” Olivia asserts that she wants her cake and to eat it, too. And she is no longer allowing men access to the recipe.

Evita and her husband did not drag either one into a polyamorous lifestyle. They were both curious about the love structure and experimented in some form of ethical non-monogamy together before deciding that they would pursue committed relationships outside of their marriage. On this episode, Evita shares what she has learned about herself through non-monogamy and how she has unpacked toxic narratives about love unquestioned monogamy can sometimes perpetuate. Because she has multiple partners, she has learned that she can have a huge sense of entitlement about what she is owed because of the position she holds in a relationship. She realized she had anger management issues as well and thought of her children as her property instead of their own selves separate from her. According to Evita, the most toxic notion about partnership that polyamory has helped her unpack is the concept of one person having to be all things for you. One person having to be your everything. She feels polyamory puts control of her needs back in her hands where it belongs. And she has given back the control of her partners’ needs back to them. While not one to place polyamory on any hierarchy of love structures, Evita does credit it with helping her find peace and contentment by herself. Even with a husband, a boyfriend and a girlfriend, there are still times when Evita will only have Evita’s company on any given evening. “That is the greatest gift ethical non-monogamy has given me,” Evita says. “It’s taught me that the number one person who can fulfill my needs is myself.”

Creator of the internationally recognized Nonparents.com, Nina Steele remembers the exact day when she accepted she would not be a mother. She and her husband had been trying to conceive for years. After another failed attempt, an acute understanding of the reality of this situation washed over her. She was clear that her inability to conceive was not a sad situation over which she should grieve. “I am so lucky this has not happened for me,” she said to no one in particular. In this episode, Nina talks about how she grew up seeing the impact of unquestioned pronatalism on the lives of women. From a poor village in Ivory Coast, she witnessed many women giving birth to babies they could not feed because it was just tradition for African women to keep having babies as long as their bodies were able to produce them. She talks about how her own attempts to conceive a child were not really rooted in any concrete reason for wanting to be a mother. “I was married so I figured I should have a baby.” Though she and her husband live a comfortable life in England and could afford to raise a child, Nina is unapologetic when stating their infertility issue has granted them the freedom of expendable income and the chance to work on their own personal growth and creative pursuits. Through Nonparents.com, she has encountered other women who are childless by circumstance. She admits that she had to learn to be more compassionate towards those who did not come to acceptance of their non-motherhood as quickly and wholly as she did. Initially, it annoyed Nina when western women who had been born into lives of so much abundance, so much privilege droned on about how incomplete they felt because they had everything else – except children. She learned to be more compassionate towards them because she understood how not coming from a place of rampant poverty informed their view of the world. “My experiences growing up in Ivory Coast taught me to be grateful for whatever I had,” Nina explains. “I operate from a place of gratitude in every part of my life. It is why I am so grateful that I know I can live a fulfilling and joyful life without having children.”

Like many young girls, Damia Jackson assumed she would be married one day. Though she never focused exclusively on finding a husband, she assumed somewhere in her 30s, there’d be one living in her home. Now, as a 46-year-old woman who has never married, Damia sees a great need for the blog she created, Single Girls Rock. In this episode, she talks about realizing there were no spaces that spoke to single women from a place of normalcy. Much of what she encountered seemed to come from the premise of: Here is what is wrong with you and what you need to do to get a man. For Damia, these spaces were not very helpful. She had come to see her life as a conscious choice even though marriage had been an institution she once desired. By her mid-30s, she had decided to stop waiting on a spouse in order to have certain experiences like buying a house or traveling to her dream destinations. Through Single Girls Rock, Damia has connected with women all around the world who share her story of choosing singlehood and finding joy in their lives. “I have freed myself from the notion that a romantic relationship is the most important one I should focus on,” Damia says. “I also have freed myself from the belief that to be single is to be completely alone and never need anyone.” Aside from showing vulnerability to friends, lovers and family members, Damia believes seeking the help of the people in her life is key to being a woman who is healthy and happy.

When she was approached about participating in a documentary about You Tube performers, Princess Shaw thought nothing of it. She had been singing on You Tube for years and had built up a respectable following. The documentary, Introducing Princess Shaw, found its way to Netflix. In this episode, Shaw opens up about how excited she was when her You Tube videos were noticed by an Israeli music producer and then his filmmaker friend. She admits that she was going through a deep depression during the taping of the documentary, but still recorded because she saw it as important to her career. She also trusted the filmmaker and music producer to present her story in a way that would inspire others. Shaw is unabashed when she talks about revealing she was a survivor of sexual abuse on film. She tells the truth about her mother’s involvement in the abuse and denial of how she allowed Shaw and her siblings to suffer under the hands of her boyfriend. She says music and her other creative expressions were not what helped her work through her trauma. Speaking out as she did with family and then on camera released some of the silence and secrecy that surrounded the abuse. When she was not talking about it, she was giving it more power. “I am free sometimes,” Shaw reports. “There are times when I sing on stage and I feel like nothing can stop me, like I have let everything go. Then sometimes I get off the stage and that feeling leaves. It’s a process. It’s work I have to do.”

Kimberly West is unafraid of transition because she is well versed in reinvention. In her 50 brief years on this planet, she has transitioned from a corporate worker to a management consultant to a restaurant owner to a farm owner to a globally minded entrepreneur. In this episode, Kimberly talks about her decision to leave the United States for Mexico. The impetus for her relocation was realizing just how tainted the food supply in America is and wanting an all around healthier lifestyle. Given the toxicity of the political climate and the cost of living, remaining in the United States seemed counter productive to her goal of holistic happiness. Ms. West talks about how much better she eats now because she has greater access to clean foods. She also is able to invest in her businesses because her dollar goes so much farther than it ever had in America. Another big advantage of living outside of America is the lessened anxiety of being dehumanized because of her blackness. Kimberly speaks honestly about not worrying about being a statistic now that she has left the United States and hypothesizes on why more Black Americans won’t follow her (and many others) lead. In addition to the joys of living abroad, she shares the assumptions people make about her as an unmarried, childless woman who spends more time traveling and building her businesses than trying to find a good man. She chuckles at this cross cultural concern that no man will want her because she is too independent and is making no effort to correct this character flaw that makes her less desirable to eligible men. “I am much happier than many of my friends who have done what they were supposed to do, who have the white picket fence, the good man and kids,” Kimberly states. “At any rate,” she continues, “the lesson from my story is not about whether to take the traditional route or not. It is simply none of us are bound to the country of our birth. No matter which country that is or what we envision as our life goals.”

When she was 19 years old, Phyllis Brown began dating her husband because she wanted to lose her virginity to this fun and charismatic guy with whom she connected immediately. The man she had chosen to “pop my cherry” became her boyfriend of ten years and has been her husband for another ten. In this episode, she shares how the last twenty years with her husband have seen her grow in her own identity and evolve from the young woman who believed the only way to be a partner was to take care of the king of the house and honor his every word. Given this partner prototype by the women in her family, Phyllis had no idea that a wife could have an identity outside of her husband. Because she was so young when she met her husband, her naiveté allowed his powerful personae to overshadow her. As they have both grown in the relationship, she has had several discussions with him about what makes her happy and how she needs the marriage to progress in order to still be his wife and herself at the same time. Phyllis and her husband identify as polyamorous so they both maintain relationships outside of their marriage. She credits the support of her husband and the guidance of her two other partners in helping her reclaim herself and redefine happiness as she reaches the other side of forty. “It is important to learn how to be selfish,” Phyllis says. “I still have to work through guilt when I choose myself over my husband and home, but I am getting better at it.”

A retired member of the military, Gabrielle Tolliver began questioning what she was taught in Sunday school early into her childhood. While the adults in her family were not frequent attenders of church, they did require the children go to service as often as possible. When Gabrielle challenged the inconsistencies and cruelties taught in Sunday School lessons, she was chided with: “You are just too young to understand.” In this episode, she talks about being a nonbeliever in North Carolina, where church and god are as deeply woven into the culture as speaking to strangers and asking after a casual acquaintance’s Mama. From missionaries knocking on her door offering her salvation through Christ to grocery store clerks wishing her God’s blessings, Gabrielle often has to “out” herself as an atheist even when she’d rather just sit at home and watch television with her wife or buy broccoli at the supermarket for that night’s dinner. Gabrielle dismisses the suggestion that because she does not believe in a supernatural deity, she does not have a solid moral code. She finds it insulting to imply a person needs some force outside themselves to influence their decision to be a decent human being. “I don’t need a sky pappy to tell me when I’ve wronged another person or harmed a defenseless animal,” Gabrielle explains. “I don’t need the god gap to fill in the blanks about the world for me.”

A professor and performer, Dr. Kimberly Chandler has a long history with the Christian church. When she organized a family reunion and there was a requisite Sunday church service planned, she did not have to corral her people to a house of worship. Between the licensed ministers, choir directors, lead sopranos, ushers and first ladies among her family members, the Chandlers had their own church service right where they had their barbecue the day before. In this episode, she reveals why she no longer has a place for “manmade” religion in her life. A licensed minister, she experienced firsthand the sexism and commitment to rigid gender roles that keep many forward-thinking women away from churches. She maintains that the sexist pushback she felt as a woman active in the church has nothing to do with scripture. It is more about how men relate to women and the stain of toxic masculinity. Her own father - a minister himself - discouraged her from responding to the call she received from God. Dr. Chandler does not resent her father and faithful Christians who truly believe that it is God’s will to abdicate leadership to males who then serve as overseers to the women doing most of the work on these religious “plantations.” She knows the “black church” is a diverse entity and in today’s world, she believes one can find a church home that matches one’s progressive ideals. As she articulates where she is on her spiritual journey, she talks about freeing herself from the image of the Angry God who rules with punishment. Having overcome mental breakdowns in the past, Kimberly decided, “I had no choice but to to free myself from the belief that God was out to get me. I had to take care of myself spiritually and emotionally.”

A clinical social worker and Associate Pastor at First Corinthian Baptist Church (FCBC), Kyndra Frazier felt called to ministry while still a child. She was very active in youth activities and felt comfortable sitting in the pews of her southern Baptist church. In this episode, she shares how she spent years doing everything but formally ministering to fellow Christians. When the opportunity to serve presented itself at FCBC, she accepted it with no hesitation. At FCBC, Kyndra has been charged with spearheading and serving as executive director of the church’s free mental wellness clinic, The Hope Center. Equally important, she has shown the LQBTQ community that it is possible to be a disciple of Christ while living in the fullness of your sexuality – even if it that sexuality does not conform to the heteronormative narrative. From the pulpit, she has shared her story of trying to pray her same-sex attraction away and sitting silently as a family member shamed her for being unsuccessful at faking heterosexuality. Kyndra’s message of God-Has-No-Problem-With-Who-You-Are has made the LQBTQ congregants feel accepted and included when they come through the doors of FCBC to worship. A trained theologian with a Masters of Divinity degree from Emory University, Kyndra discusses why many black churches are not ready to move (en masse) to progressive theologies. She believes that not enough church leaders have the courage to preach progressive interpretations of the Bible. Though their training and own critical thinking skills have brought them to new ways of looking at the Bible, fear causes them to continue teaching theology that is accepted as truth. “I find it odd when people say, ‘The Bible says this’ because the Bible doesn’t really say anything. It just reads a certain way,” Kyndra states. It is through her work with FCBC and her forthcoming documentary, A Love Supreme: Black, Queer and Christian in the South, that Kyndra does the noble work of Jesus by reading the Christian holy book as a document that includes all.

Like many people, Tracy Adams envisioned herself someday partnered with “that one special person for life.” Though there was a period in her 20s when she tried to suppress this desire, she dated with the hope of ultimately meeting a life partner. In this episode, Tracy talks about her decision to end her marriage three years into it. After summarizing the courtship with her ex, she explains how she came to the decision that the marriage was not worth continuing. Early into their new marriage, she discovered her partner had not completely disclosed an issue with her. While the issue was of a sensitive nature and did not make her husband a horrible person, Tracy knew that to support him through this issue she would have to deplete herself emotionally. She suggests that many black women are socialized to see such tedious emotional labor as their full responsibility in a partnership. So, they offer this labor freely without much thought to what they have to sacrifice in order to perform such endless work. Having experienced an extreme emotional low when she was younger, Tracy was committed to never putting herself at risk to reach that point again. In order not to repeat that year when she was so depressed that she never left the couch, divorce had to happen. Post-divorce, she remains grateful that she chose her joy and emotional health over her marriage. “I have freed myself from the belief that black women should put everyone else before themselves,” Tracy says. “I will always center myself in my life because only I am responsible for saving, for sustaining me.”

When 35-year-old Ebony Murphy-Root reflects on her childhood and young adulthood, she can not recall a moment when motherhood was a role she desired. What does remain prominent in her mind are memories of her father’s sister who was unmarried with no children. A homeowner with a good job and a full social calendar, Ebony’s aunt was always laughing and off to do something that looked fun and exciting. It left an impression on young Ebony who relished the time she spent with her auntie. In this episode, Ebony challenges the myth that no man will marry a woman who does not want to have his children. She met her husband when she was 26-years-old and they found common ground on wanting a childfree life early into their courtship. Even before meeting Mr. Murphy-Root, Ebony says dating did not present her with anymore challenges than the usual ones for young women. She dated across racial lines and was never one to present herself as someone she was not. As a result, she was not short of gentlemen callers. Ebony also shares her perspective on why black women, particularly, are met with pushback and judgment when they are vocal about having no desire to mother. “In black communities, the belief that a woman’s resources – her time, her energy, her money – are community property is much more pronounced than it is in mainstream culture,” Ebony explains. “So when you say you are opting out of the biggest way to suck up all of a woman’s resources, people definitely will feel a certain type of way. Especially since many believe black women are not even entitled to have choices in the first place.” Ebony remains unbothered by people’s feelings, of course. She knows she is not the first black woman to live a life many believe she has no right to live. Nor will she be the last.

On her 16th birthday, Donnalee Donaldson was serenaded by the staff at the American Embassy in Kingston, Jamaica. Having earned a full scholarship to a top university, the woman who was processing her visa paperwork demanded that everyone clap for this bright young girl who was leaving her mother to go off to the land of opportunity while still a teenager. Four years later, Donna was in law school at Emory University, the youngest of her classmates. In this episode, she talks about her decision to leave a burgeoning law career in New York City to return to Jamaica. She was only in Jamaica for two months before she decided to relocate to Kigali, Rwanda with a job in education reform. Though not what her family and friends imagined for the “girl from Montego Bay who made good,” Donnalee shares that living in and traveling around Africa has made her appreciate the excellence of the black diaspora. She has also gained an appreciation for the privileges she enjoys as a single, professional woman with disposable income: advancement in a field that is challenging and rewarding, learning how to navigate the pitfalls that occur when you are a young professional and have advanced farther than some senior members of your team and of course, the ability to travel across the African continent and connect with other young black professionals. Always humble, Donnalee does not understand why others are impressed with her life. She maintains that she just did what girls from poor neighborhoods in Jamaica do: worked hard in school so she could get a scholarship to a good college outside of Jamaica and become a lawyer or doctor. She laughs as she remembers the concern all of Montego Bay expressed when she first announced she was leaving America to come back to Jamaica and then followed that questionable decision with leaving Jamaica to go to Africa. “I have freed myself from the belief that is prevalent in many developing countries,” Donna says. “The belief that there is only one path one must take, only one way to make your mama proud: go to a western country and become a lawyer, teacher or doctor. Remain a lawyer, teacher or doctor for thirty years.” Donna now realizes the only path worth pursuing is the one that makes you feel happy and at peace.

42-year-old mother of two, Dana Day never planned to leave the comforts of Atlanta – much less America. A co worker’s stories about working abroad prompted Dana to apply for a position just to see what would happen. Six weeks later, she was preparing to move to Kuwait. In this episode, she explains that though her family was excited about her move, her ex-husband had apprehensions about his preteen daughters being shipped to the Middle East. Three years and two countries later, her ex now sees how beneficial living outside of the U.S. has been for his girls. They get exposed to diverse cultures and languages. They participate in activities that would be financially impossible if they were back in the United States. Dana explains why living in Kuwait and Thailand have been immense growth opportunities for her. She has learned to trust herself and listen to her gut more. She has been forced to be more patient when language barriers and cultural differences make simple errands complicated. She has been enjoying her time abroad so much, Dana has tried to back track on a promise to her daughters that they would return home when it was time for them to graduate from high school. In fact, she is hesitant to commit to ever repatriating to America. “There is just so much tension in the states right now,” Dana sighs. “I wanted something new; I wanted more. And I really just feel freer when I am not in America.”

Born and bred in the boogie down Bronx, Lizette Morehead had the fortune of being allowed full agency over her spiritual life. Although her mother read the Bible as regularly as she watched Reverend Ike, she told Lizette she only had to go to church if she wanted to. Since she went to a Catholic elementary school, being Catholic (like all her friends) made sense to a young Lizette. In this episode, she explains that the more she matured into a young woman, the less useful Catholicism became for her complex life. She was riddled with guilt and found the concepts of sin and repentance made the mere act of being human something of which to be ashamed. In a defining moment, she sat in Mass wondering who the priest was talking to because she felt no connection to anything he said. The next day, a co worker introduced her to Nichiren Diashonin’s Buddhism and Lizette’s life changed for the better. She shares what practicing Buddhism does for her and how it has been at the center of every decision she’s made over the last thirteen years. She talks about using the principles she learned in Buddhism to withstand her family’s passive-aggressive attempts to trivialize her spiritual practice. She was drawn to Buddhism because it did not teach reliance on a deity to perform a miracle or transform your life. “This practice insists it is up to me to move the universe in the direction I want it to go,” Lizette says passionately. “It is about me and how much I am willing to put into it.”

Chief content contributor for UnfitChristain.com, D. Danyelle Thomas, grew up as a preacher’s kid. She assumed homophobia, sexism and the pursuit of respectability were just unquestionable tenets of the gospel of Jesus Christ. As she evolved in her spirituality so did her theology. In this episode, she shares how she chose to remove the belief in an actual hell from her theology and to fight against purity culture that is prevalent in many evangelical churches. This culture, exclusively aimed at Christian women, encourages single women to connect abstinence and conservative sexual mores to a closeness to God. Or more precisely an effective link to marriage. A crucial reason why Danyelle fights against purity culture is her discovery of the real story of the consummate good girl: Ruth. Once Danyelle researched the translation of a key word in the biblical text of Ruth and Boaz’s romance (as calculated by her mother-in-law, Naomi), she found that the way the story had been pitched to many a young single Christian woman was in direct contrast to the actual way Ruth and Naomi got down. “Basically, Naomi needed to secure that bag,” Danyelle quips. “So, Ruth had survival sex with Boaz.” The moral of this real Ruth story, according to Danyelle, is just as different as the way the story has been sold to generations of godly women.