Podcast appearances and mentions of cathy salit

One of the things that is key to the success of children and I'd say anyone is to be related to. Part of what makes it possible for children to learn, grow and develop is that they are related to as people who can learn, grown, and develop. If you are not related to as a learner, but instead are related to as a loser, a fuckup, as somebody who is not going got go anywhere because of ABCDEFG, that is so much a part of why it is kids don't succeed and they can't learn. – Cathy Salit See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/the-unmistakable-creative-podcast.

We are all natural born performers! When we improvise and perform in ways we have not done before, we can discover new internal territory and grow. Cathy Salit, bestselling author of Performance Breakthrough: A Radical Approach to Success at Work, talks about how leaders and organizations can use the art and science of performance to become more than they thought they could be!

Sexting - what is it? How do you do it? Why would you want to do it? And...most importantly...how do you ensure it goes well - and how do you keep it from going horribly wrong? Whether you have been with your partner for a long time - or are just getting to know someone - sexting can be a fun way to connect and expand the range of your intimacy with another person. There's a lot of serious stuff going on in the world right now, so I thought we'd take a moment on the show to dive into something playful. Sexy texting (or messaging) can be a new (or improved) relationship-building skill for you to experiment with. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Find a quality therapist, online, to support you and work on the places where you’re stuck. For 10% off your first month, visit Betterhelp.com/ALIVE to fill out the quick questionnaire and get paired with a therapist who’s right for you. Resources: I want to know you better! Take the quick, anonymous, Relationship Alive survey FREE Guide to Neil’s Top 3 Relationship Communication Secrets Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner’s Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) Support the podcast (or text “SUPPORT” to 33444) Amazing intro and outro music provided courtesy of The Railsplitters Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. There is a lot going on in our world right now. A lot. And as much as I personally would like to fix everything overnight, that's not going to happen. And so I'm doing my best, as always, to mix things up because this topic of how to do relationships well, how to find relationships, how to stay in relationships, how to leave relationships, sometimes, let's be honest, it can be kind of heavy, or if not heavy, at least serious. Today, I want to take a step towards a topic that's actually quite useful, quite important, and also on the lighter side of things. I want to talk about sexting. Neil Sattin: I want to talk about sexting in terms of how to sext, how to sext well, what not to do, what to do, why you might want to do it. And we'll talk about sexting also from the perspective of where you might be on the spectrum of how well you know your partner. So we'll talk about what it's like to use sexting as a tool for connection and fostering desire in your main relationship, if you have a primary partnership. And then we'll contrast that with what it's like to do that with someone that you've never met, or maybe you've had some Tinder interaction or online dating interaction. I don't want to necessarily promote just one thing. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid, Plenty Of Fish, whatever the hell it is. Neil Sattin: Whatever it is, if you're meeting people there and if you are being responsible about whether or not you are keeping a distance from them, right now we're in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, then you might consider sexting as a way to boost your intimacy and to have a little fun with someone that you're meeting. But it's very different when you sext with someone that you don't know in person or whom you barely know, especially if you don't actually have a sexual history with that person. We're going to get into the ins and outs of sexting, and hopefully have some fun while we do it. Because I think when done right, sexting can be pretty amazing. And if you don't know what I'm talking about when I say the word sexting, I'm talking about communicating via instant message or texting about sexual things. And not just about sexual things, but actually taking your partner and yourself on a sexual journey, on a fun journey, on a connecting journey, on an intimate journey, it can be intimate, and all over some texting or instant messaging medium. Neil Sattin: So that is what sexting is, at least the way that I'm defining it right now. And before we dive in, I just want to remind you that Relationship Alive is an offering for you so that you can have the best relationships possible. And I can't do it alone. In fact, I really can't do it alone. Over the coming weeks and months, I'm going to be probably putting out a call for some assistance. Because for a long time, this has been pretty much a solo show, although I have had amazing help from my editor, Christy, and some various assistants along the way. It's time to really have a team who's helping carry on the mission. Neil Sattin: Right now, one of the most important people on the team is you being there - listening, putting this stuff into practice, talking to people about Relationship Alive, turning other people on to the show and, if you are able, supporting us through a contribution. You can choose any amount that feels right to you, because every little bit counts. If you're finding the show to be helpful, just visit neilsattin.com/support or text the word "support" to the number 33444 and follow the instructions. This week, the team members I would like to thank are Joseph, Ruthanna, Holly, Mark, Ruth, Jenny, Marie, Timothy, David, Angie, Sylvia, Drew, Lydia, Ann and Valerie. Thank you all so much for your generous and, in many cases, ongoing support of the Relationship Alive podcast. Neil Sattin: Oh, and I don't want to forget that it's been a little bit, Mark, since your donation came through, but I wanted to mention that Mark's donation was made in honor of Annie. You can do that, too, when you contribute to the show. Just tell me who you'd like to thank, who's important or special in your life, who has been, is currently or will be, and I'm happy to thank them as well here on Relationship Alive. Neil Sattin: Before we get into the topic, just a reminder that we do have a free group on Facebook, if you're still on Facebook, I'm not sure honestly how much longer I'm going to be there. But if you are there, we have a Relationship Alive community where we have more than 4,000 people who are listeners of the show gathered to create a safe space to talk about relationship stuff. So, come join us there. It is a closed group, so the only people who see what you post are the people who are in the group. Generally, it's a really supportive community. And the times occasionally when people need a redo, they're generally pretty good about asking for that and giving positive, supportive, constructive feedback so that you can work on your skills at supporting other people as well. So that's the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook. Neil Sattin: If you have a question for me on the show, just email it to questions at relationshipalive dot com. You can record yourself asking the question or you can just email the question to me. I was thinking the other day about how it might be fun to actually have people interview me for the show, so that's something I'd consider, too. If you want to interview me around a particular topic for Relationship Alive, let's do that experiment. That will be fun. Just again, questions at relationshipalive dot com. Neil Sattin: And lastly, if you are looking for ways to improve your communication, we're going to be talking about one particular aspect of communication today. But in general, if you are looking for ways to communicate about things that are intimate or challenging and to stay connected to your partner while you do, then please download my free guide to my top three relationship communication secrets. These are special strategies for communicating in relationship that are a little different than your conventional wisdom around how to communicate well. And by putting them into practice, you can stay connected no matter how challenging the topic that you are talking about. You have a pretty good chance anyway. Nothing is 100% certain, right? You never know. You can do your best, and the other person might not be their best, or they might still be doing their best and it might still go poorly. But to get a really good chance of it going well, start with my free communication guide. To get that, just visit neilsattin.com/relate or text the word "relate" to the number 33444 and follow the instructions. Neil Sattin: Let's get on with the show and talk about sexting. Sexting, when it's done right, it can be super hot, super fun and super connecting. And when it's done not so right, then it can be really horrible and go poorly and really be disconnecting or alienating even. So, let's talk about sexting and some of the principles, 'cause I'm not going to... The way that it unfolds, and the way that it needs to unfold for you or for the person with whom you are sexting, that's going to be different based on every person. In fact, one of the things that I love most about sexting is that when it's done well, it's generally because it's following the rules of good improvisation. Neil Sattin: Now, we've had a couple episodes on the show where we've talked about improvisation and how to do that well, and so I want to give you those episode numbers so that you can listen to them at your leisure. The first is episode number 17, which was called "Stop Worrying, Start Playing", and that was with Patti Stiles who's one of the world's foremost improv teachers. She's based out of Australia. And that was a super fun conversation. And then we had another conversation later with Cathy Salit, that was episode number 78: "How to Have More Fun in Your Relationship." Neil Sattin: If you're not sure how to locate episodes based on number, you can scroll through your podcast app that you use, if you're using a smartphone or something like that. Or you can just go to neilsattin.com, which is the Relationship Alive website, and there's a little search magnifying glass up at the top, and you can just go - in that magnifying glass, you can type in the episode number, and it will pull up the episode for you. I'm going to do that right now just to prove that it works. I just typed in "78" and it brought up episode 178, episode 78, and then some random episodes, so I don't know what to tell you there, but it started with the right episodes. Neil Sattin: Okay, great. Good sexting follows the rules of good improvisation. And basically what that means is first creating space for the other person to respond to you. Second, to be really paying close attention to how they are responding to you and looking for ways to amplify what they do or say or add to it. And there's some responsibility that we have as communicators in general, to be listening well, to be responding to what is actually being offered rather than off on our own tangent. And also, there's a responsibility for us to participate, like in good faith. Neil Sattin: One of the first things about sexting that is important to establish with a person is whether or not they want to sext. Now, some people just don't. For some people, that can be a super edgy thing or it can bring up bad memories about some bad experience, so it's not like everyone necessarily right off the bat wants to be a sexting partner. It might be helpful to have a conversation. Again, download that free relationship communication guide. It might be good to have a conversation about sexting so that you know where the person who you're talking to stands, whether that person is your close intimate partner that you've been with for 10 or 20 years, or whether that person is someone who's totally new to you. Questions you might ask are things like, "Can we talk about a topic that might be a little edgy or a little risky?" Neil Sattin: Hopefully they'll say yes, and then you might say, "I've been wondering if we can talk about sexting and what that would be like." Or, "I'm curious to know if you would ever be interested in having sexy texting time with me." There are a couple ways. Now, you can think of something that feels good for you or that feels right, or that feels right with knowing your partner. But I think it's helpful to, one, get their agreement to even have a conversation with you about something edgy so they know what's coming. And then the second thing is to make it explicit that what you're talking about is being explicit to some degree via texting. Neil Sattin: Now, as you talk about it, if you have a conversation about it, then you'll be able to gauge how well you or your partner... How much you actually want to get explicit. And there are ways to sext that actually don't involve a single naughty word. Sometimes using the naughty words can be fun, other times you don't have to go there. And there's an important reason for that that I will tell you about in just a minute. But it's good to get a sense of whether or not someone is into that. One way is the direct way, which I just gave you. Now, a second way to explore whether or not someone might be into that would be to actually start something with them, to start a chain of potential sexting. But you gotta start off really lightly. It could be something like, "What are you wearing right now?" Something like that, especially once you have the precedent with someone of doing this sort of thing, then it might be very easy for you to just say something like that, and suddenly there you are getting each other in the mood. Neil Sattin: But if you're not sure about another person and their willingness, and you're not sure you even want to ask them directly for whatever reason - although I gotta say, being direct is far and above the best way to go about it - then you can do a little foray into something that leaves the door open for things to be sexy, but isn't next necessarily sexy in and of itself. And I'll give you an example of that in just a moment. Neil Sattin: Actually, I'll give that example to you now 'cause I wasn't even sure - I've had something I was going to say, but now I'm going to give you the example. So something like that might be... Oh, I remember what I was going to say. I'll say it next. You might text something like, "I was thinking of you a moment ago... " and that's it. Now, remember the whole idea of sexy texting is that you are in a conversation with the other person. So if I text you something like, "I was thinking about you just a moment ago, and I was imagining your beautiful eyes and your curves, and I was thinking about un-zipping your dress." If you just go off like that, you don't know what's going on with the other person. They might be in the middle of a business meeting, or they might be changing a child's diaper, who the hell knows. It could be something that is absolutely not sexy, and it might not be the right time for them. Neil Sattin: So if you just kind of launch off onto your sexy talk at the wrong time, then it could be funny, and it could very well have the opposite effect of what you would be intending, which would I hope be to have a hot, fun connecting time with this other person. So you want to engage them. Something simple, "I was just thinking of you... " and then you wait. And sometimes, as one of my favorite musicians, Tom Petty, used to say, "The waiting is the hardest part." But you gotta be patient because what comes after a text like that is so important. You might get a response like, "Oh, yeah?" with a question mark, which is an invitation for you to say something more. Or you might just get a, "Oh, that's cool. What were you thinking about?" Or you might get a, "Awesome, babe, see you later," or you might get a non-response that shows you that the other person isn't really there, or they're not really ready to play with you. Neil Sattin: And then a response like, "Oh, yeah?" that could be an invitation, that could be a, "Hmm, what's going to happen here, I might be willing to play." Or it might just be, "I'm curious, you were thinking about me, how come?" Even then, you don't want to launch right into something. In fact, you don't ever want to launch right into something, and here is why, because the most important thing that happens in sexting, and this actually might be true in any form of communication. I should really think this through, but definitely in sexting the most important thing is not what you say. The important thing is what is happening in your imagination or in your partner's imagination. This is truly one of those times where saying less could be more, because really what you're both trying to do is to go on a journey together, a journey of fantasy together. Neil Sattin: Now, this is why sexting can sometimes be problematic when you don't really know the person, you don't know them, you haven't spent any time with them in person, you've just had some communication with them online or maybe a phone call or something like that, but you've never actually been with them, and you've never even been with them sexually like... So we'll talk for a minute about the risk of that. But right now, just know that so much of what you are trying to do is you're trying to create this shared story that's going to unfold under your fingertips and in between your ears, in other words, in your mind and in your body, because when you're sexting, you're going to be able to have a very visceral experience that incorporates most, if not all of your senses, and your own erotic energy. Neil Sattin: So that is the important part of sexting. Knowing exactly the right thing to say or the perfect combination of words, trust me, that is not as important as saying things that inspire the other person to get into their bodies, to get into their experience, and to get into their imagination about what might be happening. For instance, if you text, "I was just thinking of you... " and the other person responds, "Oh, yeah?" Then you might say, "Yeah, I was thinking about your big broad shoulders," or "I was thinking about your deep blue eyes." Or if it's someone that you don't even know, like an online dating person, you might refer to a conversation that you've had, "Yeah, I was thinking about when you were talking about blah, blah," whatever it is, "and how that made me feel inside." Or you could refer to something, "I'm thinking about you in that red dress or you in that suit, and the way it makes me feel inside." Neil Sattin: Now, that's a pretty edgy thing, especially if you add the, "and the way it makes me feel inside part," 'cause you're basically putting it out there like, "There's something going on, I'm thinking about you." And let's face it, any improv is a risk, and definitely sexting when you don't know if the other person is quite ready for it, or willing or wanting, it's a risk to put yourself out there. So you gotta be willing to be courageous. When you say something like that, now the door is open, and now you wait again to see how the other person is going to respond. If they start asking you questions about how you feel - where they are really with you and they're really curious - then I think most likely the game is on. If they don't respond or if they respond in a business-like manner, or if they respond in a way that leaves you really questioning over and over again, whether they're there with you, then they're probably not there with you, 'cause most people, when they're ready for something like that, it's only going to take a little bit of back and forth before it's super clear what's happening. You gotta take my word for that. Neil Sattin: And the thing is, you don't want to force anyone into it. There's nothing quite as unsexy as trying to continually get someone into this sexy journey with you when they're not interested, so pay attention to what you're receiving, and wait and see how the other person responds. They may respond with something really forward and even graphic. If you said, "I was thinking about you with your big broad shoulders," they might say something like, "Oh, and that makes me think about wrapping my arms around you and pulling you close." Well, if someone responds that way, game on. If they say something like, "Yeah, I used to... They came in really good in rugby," then you really don't know where the person's at. They could be joking with you. They could be just being playful, or they could be not interested. And so you're going to have to take the conversation a little bit further to find out. Neil Sattin: So if someone says, "Yeah, those shoulders came in really handy when I was playing rugby." Then you might say something like, "Tell me a little bit more about what the scrum is like...?" Isn't that what it's called in rugby the scrum? I don't know. I never played rugby, but... "Tell me more about what that's like being all huddled together." You're staying with what they offer you, which in improv is known as "yes...and". You're taking what someone gives you, and you're saying, "And something else" that goes along with what they gave you. So if someone talks about rugby, you don't want to say like, "Well, I hate rugby," or you don't want to say, "Well, let's get off the rugby field and into the bedroom." There might be a time to say something like that, when it's clear that the person is talking about more than rugby. If all they really want to tell you about is rugby, then it might be a little out of place to invite them into your imaginary bedroom. So you're going to have to take the conversation, the play, the improvisation a little bit further to see where they go. Neil Sattin: The reason that this can be challenging when you don't know someone very well - and maybe you've had this experience in the past, I've had this experience before - where because so much of sexting and really any sort of written correspondence... This is one of the most challenging things about online dating is, so much of the interactions that happen are through the written word. We are different people when we're writing versus when we're talking, versus when we are seeing another person versus when we are right there in the flesh with another person. Those are all different modes of communication, and the way that we represent ourselves isn't always the same. Partly that's because the more removed you are from the direct experience of a person, the more you are creating that experience in your mind of the person. Neil Sattin: So perhaps you've had that experience of having a written correspondence with someone that feels passionate and playful, and light, and sexy and engaging, and then you meet them in person and there's just no chemistry, or there's none of that fire, that playfulness or no attraction, or no interest, or no engagement, or whatever it is. Or it's just like awkward and shy and weird, and we will talk in a moment about what to do when that happens. But just recognize that the risk here, when you are sexting with someone that you don't actually know, is that you are going to be creating this whole fantasy world that might not fully be in alignment with what your experiences of that person in real life, real time, and that's challenging. Especially if you've spent days and days and days, maybe even longer, having more of a virtual relationship with a person. If you find yourself there in person and it's just not clicking, well, that can be a real downer. Neil Sattin: In fact, maybe some relationships are just meant to be virtual. They can be fun and perfect just like that, and don't ever have to be more. That could be true. However, I think that it's more common that people will have this amazing virtual experience in real life, it won't go so well, and then the after-virtual experience just never is quite the same, 'cause so much is in the anticipation, so much is in the story that you have told yourself about the other person, about what they are like, what they look like, how they are as lovers. So, yeah, it can be challenging, whereas if you have experience with someone as an intimate partner, then you have some of that experience to draw on in terms of the picture that you paint for each other of what's happening. And also, the experience that you're creating for yourself in your head as you go through it is going to be aligned with what you naturally create with your partner in real life. Neil Sattin: Now, sometimes you can just get a little bit into the sexting with someone that you are with in real life as a way of simply stoking the fire of something that could happen in person later. So all of that, "I was thinking of you... Blah, blah, blah." That can become, "I can't wait to see you tonight," or "Let's make sure we get the kids to bed early," or "I'm grabbing takeout so that we don't have to worry about cooking dinner," whatever it is. And in days like we have now, where you might both be sheltering-in-place in your house, even texting to each other under those circumstances can be fun because again, it is a different mode of communication, and because it allows you to take advantage of the fact that it activates your imagination and your partner's imagination. Neil Sattin: And sometimes that's one of the hardest things about getting out of the routine and into something that's a little bit more intimate or erotic, it's because we're just... We're in the flow of something that's purely domestic, and it can be hard to change gears. So sending a little text, even when you're in the same house as someone can be a way to tap into a different part of them and their experience, and to change up the conversation and the vibe a little bit. That is if someone is willing to do this with you. I'm a big fan. I think it really activates a lot of our imagination and our eroticism, and there are things that we can text to each other that we might not ever say to each other. Sometimes that comes through in a negative way. I don't know if you've ever gotten a text from someone where you're like, "This person would never say that to me in person, but here they are texting it to me." But here it works to your advantage in a positive way where you can say things that you would never say. Neil Sattin: And if it doesn't go so well, whatever it is you say, then you can always kinda laugh it off. So getting back to the whole process of getting started on a sexting-capade, if it's clear that the other person isn't going there with you, then the best thing to do is to just kind of blow it off with a little joke, and that could be like where you just let it go, and that's fine. Or you could be like, "Sounds like you're really busy right now." And if they say, "Yes," then you might be like, "Okay, well, I'm going to leave you alone 'cause clearly my mind was elsewhere." So you're naming it for the other person, which I think is actually a huge mark of integrity where you're not leaving them guessing, "What was that all about? Were they trying to sext with me? What was going on with them?" So you can actually say, "Hey, yeah, my mind was elsewhere, and yours isn't, and that's totally fine. That's totally okay." Yeah, you definitely want to let the other person off the hook so that they don't feel bad about it, because you don't want to create any pressure around this at all, really around anything sexual, if you can avoid it. Neil Sattin: So, if someone is a no, then that's okay, you can be like, "Alright, no worries. I was glad to... It's good to talk to you. It's good to text with you a little bit. I just wanted to check in more than anything." And if someone is reaching out to you in that way and you want to let them down gently...If you barely know the person, and it's actually offensive, then you might not want to be so gentle. You might be like, "Wow, you're really going for it, aren't you? I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of conversation between us," simple as that. Or if you are more intimate with the other person or you know them well, then you might be like, "I would so want to go there with you, but right now really is not the time for me. I'm so sorry, and I really appreciate that you were willing to put yourself out there like that." Neil Sattin: So you probably heard a lot in there. There is me taking responsibility for myself. There's me naming what I think is going on with the other person. There's me appreciating them. There's me even apologizing, "No big deal. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I can't do this with you right now, but I would love to later. Thanks for bringing it up. Can I have a rain check on this conversation?" There are all sorts of ways where you can let someone down gently and still honor that they were being courageous and taking a risk. This is part of the dual responsibility in relationships. There're any number of ways that this can be illustrated, but here's one clear way where we are taking responsibility for just recognizing, "Oh, you were taking a risk, and I honor that in you," or "I'm taking a risk, and I just wanted you to know that. I'm naming that. Neil Sattin: And these are great opportunities both for shared vulnerability in relationship, but also sharing responsibility for the moment, really owning your part in any moment that's happening goes such a long way to increasing the generosity that you both experience, because when you're taking responsibility for yourself fully, then I won't end up feeling taken for granted, because I know that you've got you and that you recognize how much work I'm putting in, how much effort, how many risks I'm taking. It's so important, 'cause in the end, it's that spirit of generosity and reciprocity that makes for good sexting. It makes for a good relationship-ing. It makes for good everything. Neil Sattin: Now, I need to take a quick break before we dive into a little bit more of where you go, once the sexting starts happening, where you go with that. I want to tell you more about that, but before I do, I just need to mention this week's sponsor. Now, I'm not sure that they can offer you much to help you with your sexting technique. But if you are nervous about sexting or in general, you need some extra support around the things that are getting in the way of your happiness or achieving your goals, then this sponsor offers a great way that you can do that from the comfort of your own home, or from your office, or from your car, anywhere really, and their name is BetterHelp. Neil Sattin: BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. You can chat via text with your counselor at any time, and you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions all without having to go anywhere. It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling, and they do offer a financial aid if you qualify. They also offer a broad range of expertise so that you can find the person most suited to helping you with your own unique situation. So whether it's needing to muster up some courage, or dealing with depression or stress, or anxiety, trauma, whatever is up for you, try out BetterHelp to help you move past the places where you're getting stuck. Neil Sattin: So to start living a happier life today, you can try BetterHelp. And for being a Relationship Alive listener, you can get an extra 10% off your first month. Just visit betterhelp.com/alive, and join over 800,000 people taking charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp.com/alive. And, thank you so much BetterHelp for your support of our mission here at Relationship Alive. Neil Sattin: Now, let's get into the nitty-gritty of what to do when you're in the middle, when sexting is on, when it's happening. What do you do? How do you make it sexy and keep it sexy? Now, I'm going to just give you my thoughts on this, and my experience. So, this might be different for you, and I'll do my best to cover a few different scenarios so that you might find yourself fitting into some way of doing this that I describe. Amusingly, I just glanced at the clock and I realize that I've been talking for almost 40 minutes about sexting, and who knew I had so much to say about sexting? But there's actually quite a bit to say. And, as you can tell, it branches off into so many other aspects of relationship that are so important. I love that about this topic. Every piece of it is a fractal that opens to a whole different world that's related but different. Neil Sattin: So, what do you do? Let's go back to those conversations about sexting that we talked about at the very top of the episode. What you might want to get clear on is, what kind of language is a turn on for your partner and for yourself, and what kind of language isn't. Now we may have to get a little explicit here. If your children are for some reason listening to this episode, this would be a good time to hit pause and to resume later. I'm assuming you did that. Some people want just delicate language about sex. They don't even want genitals named. Neil Sattin: In fact, even the word genital, if you're one of those people, it probably just turned you way off right now, they probably just want to talk about things that are a little bit more metaphorical. I'm thinking of, for some reason, a good romance novel like, "That's making me feel warm between my legs," or, "Oh, I'm getting really excited, or, "I'm feeling all this energy in my body." Or even just saying that you're getting turned on in a gentle way. Saying turned on is a little bit more gentle. "Oh, I'm feeling so turned on right now." It's a lot different than like, "Man, I want to fuck your brains out right now." Totally different. Neil Sattin: They're essentially saying the same thing, but they're saying the same thing in a very different way. And you want to get a sense of what works for you so that you can communicate that to your partner. And you want to get a sense of what works for them, so that you can communicate to them using the language that is going to be most powerful and evocative for them. So you might talk about things like, "Well, what words do you like to use for your various body parts? What words are turn on to you? What words are turn off to you?" Those are really important things to know because when you are texting, you are in the realm of words. Neil Sattin: You're in the realm of the words that you say, and then you're in the realm of the thoughts that those words get you to think, or get your partner to think. If you're able to have a conversation about it, or if you get a sense of where they land, or just from how you've known them to be, you could be wrong. You could think that someone is super innocent and vanilla, and find out that they really love to talk really dirty, and say really dirty things. That could be true, and you will find out as you try this out, because usually if that is true for them, and they're feeling safe with you, then they'll start by taking a risk with words like that. Neil Sattin: When your partner offers something like that, then you get to be a "Yes, and" to it. The "and" can be steering it in a new direction. The "and" can be just going with it, even if you might not necessarily use that word, but you know that they like to use that word. It could be like, "Wow, you just said that, didn't you?" Where you're actually calling attention to what you're doing in the moment, which can be fun too. It can keep things playful. If you say to someone like, "Oh, I just want you to put your cock in me." A totally legitimate sexting response to that might be like, "Wow, you just went there, didn't you?" Now, you might want to use an emoji there, like a smiley face or a winky face or something like that, just to show that you're not being mean, that you're being playful. The goal here is to be playful and fun, and to also pay attention to what you are saying and what is being said to you, how that makes you feel in your body. Neil Sattin: Now, I'm just going to say it right now that when you are sexting, you have license to touch yourself. Now, if you're at the office, you may need to exercise some discretion about that. Depending on the circumstances, you may just have to be totally in your imagination. But if you have a little bit of privacy, then I give you permission hereby to touch the parts of your body that feel good, to even take a break for a minute from whatever conversation you're having, and just to go into your fantasy about what is happening, and to explore that for yourself, to explore the way it makes you feel, to touch yourself in ways that feel really good, to build the pleasure in you, and to build your story about what's happening and what's unfolding in your imagination, in your experience. And then once you've done that, you can transmit that to your partner. Neil Sattin: It's funny, some of the most hot sexting experiences that I've had that have lasted even the longest, and I've had some that I've gone pretty long - and some can be super short. But it's funny, I'll look back at them and realize that we actually didn't say a whole lot. It's like the art in sexting isn't about how much you say or how graphic you get. It's saying just the right things that evoke the pictures, the experiences for your partner, and then creating the space for them to have that experience and to appreciate it in them. Neil Sattin: A moment ago, when I was talking about those meta moments where you might say like, "Wow, you just went there, didn't you?" I think it is really helpful to the experience to name things like, "Wow, I am so turned on right now," or "I wish you were right here next to me right now," or "Oh my God, I can't wait until you're next to me." Or if you know how it feels to be actually being sexual with the other person, you might say, "Oh, I know exactly what that's like. It feels so good." You're, of course, saying all that with your words. Neil Sattin: Now, as you sext, I think it's a good to note on the punctuation, as silly as that sounds. I think it's really helpful to use dots like dot dot dot, and question marks, and to use those as ways of reminding the other person that you're waiting for them. Again, you don't want to just sext AT your partner unless they've asked you to do that. I could see that happening. "Just send me sexy texts. I'm not going to be able to text back to you because I'm in the middle of making dinner for the kids, but just keep sexting me up, 'cause every time I read those, I get totally turned on." So there's a case where you've been given permission to just monologue your sexting. Neil Sattin: But for the most part, you want to constantly be creating space, so you want to offer a few things and you might... This is a great way to use pauses in your texting, so you might just text a phrase. And I gave an example of this at the very beginning. So here's another. It might be something like, "Now I trace my fingers" and hit Send. Or actually it would probably be like, "Now I trace my fingers... " Send. "Starting at your collar bone... " Send. "Working my way down... " Send. And then you might ask a question like, "Where do you want me to go?" Or, "How do you like that?" So you offer something and then you ask a question. Neil Sattin: Now, sometimes you're going to just offer something, you don't have to always put a question at the end, you don't want to be formulaic about it. So you might be offering something and then your partner might just start texting you back, and then you're in a back and forth. So there's no hard and fast rules about how to do this, or "I need three phrases with ellipses at the end, and then a question with a question mark at the end." It doesn't work that way. If you're stuck, then sure, use those things as ways to foster your own creativity, or to help remind your partner, "Hey, I'm over here. I'm waiting for you. Are you still there?" And in fact, if you lose your partner to some sexy reverie, then you might even ask them like, "Are you still breathing over there?" Neil Sattin: So you want to be kinda playful about it, but it's a way of reminding them like, "Hey, we're on this journey together. Where'd you go?" In this zone, this is a good time to think about painting a picture of how you want to touch your partner, how you want them to touch you, and describing it in ways that aren't too specific unless specificity is asked for. If you asked me, "Where do you want me to go?" I could respond, "Just keep going down." That's one way, or I could respond like, "I want you to grab my cock." Neil Sattin: There's just any number of ways, or like "I want you to tease me and... " And you could leave it at that, "I just want you to tease me. What do you do next?" And now it's back in your court, so you can be like, "Oh, okay, how am I going to tease Neil?" There's all kinds of possibility there. One of the best things I think, is for you to describe something about what you like or what you want to do, and then to be an invitation to whatever comes next. Now, hopefully, that's becoming clearer. As I'm talking about this, I'm thinking "hmmm...maybe I should make a little how-to guide on sexting?" You'll be the first to know if that happens, but I'm hoping that this is giving you a lot of good pointers. Neil Sattin: As this goes on, with you inviting each other into the dance, talking about what you're really enjoying, what feels good, what you want to do, what you want to be done, giving your partner really appreciative feedback, "Oh, like you said that, that just really... That felt so good." or, "I'm just imagining that and that's so amazing." or whatever it is. So you're giving each other feedback. In many ways, this can be great practice for being in the bedroom and learning how to communicate better as lovers when you're actually in the bedroom with each other because it's required here. Neil Sattin: But at the same time, also allowing each other that space to be in your own experience. And if your partner is not squeamish about this kind of thing, you might even say something like, "I can't help myself. I'm just...I'm touching myself right now." Or, "Are you touching yourself? I am." And if they say, "I am, too," then you might say, "Oh, tell me a little bit about that." 'cause you can be in the fantasy world, and then you can bring people into their own experience, "Tell me about what is happening for you right now. I'm so turned on right now." "Oh, tell me more about that. Tell me more about how you're turned on. What are you thinking about? What's getting you? What's getting you the most turned on right now?" So you can learn about each other, too, by asking questions. You're asking questions, you're staying in the flow, you're ramping things up, you're getting more and more excited, and then there's the question about how you bring things to an end. Neil Sattin: Now, if you only have like 10 or 15 minutes to begin with, then you might say that at the beginning so that you both know that you're operating within certain time constraints. If you don't have time constraints, that's a totally different thing. But if you do, then you might ask each other something really blatant like, "Do you want to come now?" And I'm trying to think of even a less direct way. You've probably got something - if we were here talking about this, and we'd come up with probably a half dozen different ways to ask the same question. Or you might offer it, if you're feeling like you don't want to. For instance, you might be like, "Just so you know, I'm totally good right now. I don't need to come but if you want to, I'm totally here for you. Tell me what you want me to do." So you're showing that you're available and you're taking responsibility for yourself. Or you might be like, "I really, really... I have to go in two minutes but I have to come before I do." Neil Sattin: Now, for me personally... And I've talked about this on the show before. I don't like to have traditional climax orgasms all that often. I like to explore more the energetic spaces that happen, that open up when you stop having peak orgasms, and that's just one type of orgasmic experience. But there are all kinds of different nuances to how you have orgasms, and the kinds of orgasms that your body is capable of in different parts of your body, different ways of experiencing it. There's so much more than the tension, tension, tension, and then release that you can feel from a more physical climax kind of orgasm. Neil Sattin: For me, I am often good - not necessarily ejaculating and having to clean all that up. I'm usually good not doing that. No, that's not always true but often it is. But this is something that's very personal. You might have a little conversation like, "Do you want to? Do you not want to? Do you want to just like... " If you decided you didn't want to, then you might just start transitioning your sexting into something a little bit more sweet and connected like you might have after actually having sex. For instance, you might say something like, "Let's just cuddle up and hold each other. I'll be the big spoon. What do you think about that?" So you're even in your story about what's happening. You're transitioning to a different kind of mood that allows you to just bask in everything that you've stirred up. Or again, you might be like, "This has been so amazing. I can't wait to see you later." or, "I can't wait to see you in person, whenever that happens." Neil Sattin: Now, let's say you decide though, that you've gotten to a point where you both just want to come like crazy. Well, that's something that you can do together, too. And you can play with that like, "You want to? I want to. Alright, let's do it. Don't do it yet. Let's sync up with each other." And so you might have to figure out where you're each at and what each of you needs a little bit more of. So if you're both right there on the edge... Neil Sattin: Now, this is something that is so funny, I think. It's not universally true, but for a lot of people, it can be a lot easier to have an orgasm when you're by yourself than when you're with another person. And so you might find that someone with whom orgasm-ing when you're actually having sex is challenging, that when you're there sexting with each other, that they're right there and ready. Hey, we know our own bodies better than other people know them, and that's why sexting can be so powerful, because so much of what's happening is happening in our own heads. And so we are really in control of how the fantasy is unfolding. We can make it unfold exactly like how we would want it to be in real life. Neil Sattin: But then you can experiment with things like you can switch to recording yourselves, sending little audio recordings to each other. You can have a little countdown and you both are like, "Alright, we're going to count down from five, and when we get to one, we're both going to orgasm." And there are any number of ways that you can do this. But in all of those magical, "We came at the same time and the world exploded into beautiful fireworks of ecstasy" moments. You can do that in your sexting because you have that much more control over what's happening. Neil Sattin: So I invite you to play with what feels right in the moment and to show up for each other. If you do go for the big 01 orgasm, then don't just fall asleep on your partner. Take a few moments afterwards to be, one, "How was that?" Or checking in like, "Oh my God, that felt amazing," or, "That was crazy," or whatever it is. Share with them about your experience and give them space to share about their experience, and then offer each other so much appreciation. "That was amazing. That was so fun. You're so good at that. I loved when you talked about blah, blah. Let's definitely do this again." whatever it is, offering each other lots of appreciation and good feelings so that it becomes something that can become part of your repertoire with how you nurture the erotic energy in your relationship. It can be such a useful tool if you are willing and able to go there with each other. Neil Sattin: And lastly, yeah, you might want to offer some closing moments about how great that is or how you can't wait until you can do that in person, or how now you're going to just imagine curling up with the person, and what that feels like, or what that might feel like, and bringing your sexting to a close in a way that feels right for you. Wow. I'm sure when I go back and listen to this or read the transcript, I will realize that there's more that I could say. Oh, I remember I talked about something earlier on, I do want to cover this before we go. So what do you do if you've been sexting with someone that you don't really know all that well, and then you meet in person and it's awkward, you're not totally feeling it, what do you do? Uh-oh. What a downer. Neil Sattin: Well, it's possible that it's not salvageable. It's possible that that's just the reality. The reality is that in-person interactions are different. And when it comes right down to it, the in-person reality of you and this other person just aren't going to work, and that's okay. You can be thankful for the fun experiences that you had in virtual space with that person and just acknowledge graciously that you're not totally feeling it. So that might be one way. Another way might be to acknowledge, particularly leading up to it, because I imagine that if you're anything like me, that if you have incredible virtual experiences with a person, then you might be a little nervous about meeting them in person. What's this going to be like? Is it going to live up to what the virtual has been like? Etcetera, etcetera. Neil Sattin: By the way, I am a huge fan of actual phone calls or video chatting with someone. That can be a step between texting or messaging and actually meeting someone in person, so that can be a good way to get a sense of how it feels with that person. But let's say, you're nervous about it. Well, one of the best things that you can do is to just voice that for the other person. When you're there with each other, you might name it like, "Wow, I'm noticing that I'm feeling a little nervous and a little awkward." or, "Yeah, it's so weird 'cause we've shared such intimate moments virtually, and I'm realizing here in front of you that I actually don't know you at all in this way." Neil Sattin: So talking about what your present moment experiences... You've probably heard me talk about this before, can be such a great way to connect with another person. If things are a little weird and awkward, if you're able to name it, and you're able to name the experience that you're having of that, that can help put you at ease. It can help with the other person at ease, and it just might get you to a place where you can be exploring connection again. Neil Sattin: Again, that's not always going to work, and there's probably more I could say about that, maybe we'll do a whole segment on online dating and transitioning into real life from the online space. But that's my helpful hint for you right now, is to be able to name it as it's happening. And then another thing you can do is, you can talk about the experiences that you've shared together. So you could talk about, "Wow, when we were sexting two nights ago, that was amazing. That's one of the best sexting experiences I've ever had." You're actually building on experiences that the two of you share. "What was that like for you?" Neil Sattin: Now you're in conversation, you're getting related, you're talking about ways that you've known each other. It could be a huge advantage that you've already opened up that erotic intimate space between the two of you, once you get over whatever awkwardness there might be about suddenly being in person when you haven't been in person before or much. Neil Sattin: Okay. Thank you so much for being with me here today to talk about sexting, a very important topic. And just know that I'm available for practice sessions. No, just kidding. Well... No, I am just kidding. That being said, maybe the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook might be a good place to share some of your experiences around sexting or you can always email me. My email address is neilius at neilsattin dot com. I hope you've had fun day, 'cause this has been a lot of fun to talk about. Neil Sattin: I will be back next week. Am I back next week? Next week might be... No, next week is a week off, so I'll be back the following week. I haven't quite decided yet who you're going to hear from, but we've got a couple great possible episodes on tap for you and more are always coming. Until then, take care, happy sexting, and I'll talk to you soon.

In this episode, I’m really excited to have as my guest, Cathy Salit, co-founder of Performance of a Lifetime, and author of Performance Breakthrough: A Radical Approach to Success at Work, in which she presents POAL’s revolutionary approach to learning, growing and change. The book explores the Becoming Principle® methodology and features real-life case studies, as well as tips, techniques, and exercises for readers to create performance breakthroughs in their everyday lives. In our discussion, Cathy and I talked about: How you ARE BOTH who you are AND who you are BECOMING How Improvisation can be applied to performance, to business, and to life Why you should be comfortable with not knowing the answers and how to ask curious questions Listen to the podcast to learn more. Show Notes and Blog The Podcasts

A Radical Approach to Success at Work Interview by Chicke Fitzgerald of the Game Changer Network as a part of the Best of the Game Changer series, showcased on C-Suite Network In Performance Breakthrough Cathy Salit presents the revolutionary approach to learning and growing that she and her company Performance of a Lifetime have been using for twenty years to help American Express, Nike, Pfizer, the United States Olympic Committee, PwC, 3M, and Chanel, among a Who's Who of other brand name clients. Salit's core idea is that all humans have an innate ability to perform, pretend, and improvise. It's what helps us develop as children and continue developing as adults. You may not have been on a stage since you played a tree in third grade, but the reality is that you're performing all the time. Performance Breakthrough shows how you can use ideas and techniques from theater and improvisation, along with the new science of performative psychology, to enhance your performance at work and “become who you are not yet.” In addition to being the CEO and co-founder of Performance of a Lifetime, Cathy Salit is an accomplished social entrepreneur, actress, director, improvisational comic and singer. With backgrounds in philosophy and psychology coupled with experience in the performing arts, the Performance of a Lifetime team of coaches and human development experts leverage their proprietary method, the Becoming Principle™, to engage leaders and entire organizations in discovering, creating, and acting on new and uncharted possibilities. In his best-seller, To Sell is Human, Daniel Pink devotes almost an entire chapter to just one aspect of Salit's work. Performance Breakthrough presents her full methodology to help you hone your listening, relationship and communication skills; recognize and act on opportunities; build healthy working relationships; and grow as a leader. No matter what your challenge, Salit's innovative philosophy, case studies, practical exercises, and inspiring advice will help you deliver your own top performance. Cathy Rose Salit, our CEO and co-founder, has been shaking things up since she was 13. That's when she began her career by dropping out of eighth grade and helping to start a progressive alternative school in an abandoned storefront in New York City. (Random House published a book — Starting Your Own High School — about the endeavor.) An accomplished social entrepreneur, actress, director, improvisational comic and singer, Cathy can be seen in the Castillo Theatre's musical improv comedy show, The Proverbial Loons in New York City; in one of her signature interactive keynote presentations around the country; and in gyms throughout Manhattan honing her kick-boxing skills. The Game Changer is featured on C-Suite Network.

Play Episode The post 163: Being Who You Are Not… Yet With Cathy Salit appeared first on Living A Creative Life with Melissa Dinwiddie.

This conversation with Cathy Salit aims to help us get 1% better by unlocking the power to free up our best selves.  Her method, detailed in her book Performance Breakthrough , explains how acting as who we are not yet, and who we can become, can have a powerful impact on our daily lives.   Follow Cathy on Twitter Share this episode with someone you love. -JF 

Joe Ferraro is getting 1% One Percent Better every day and he's hoping to help you get better with him. Joe's podcast, 1% One Percent Better is helping one individual at a time develop an arsenal of information to get better with every listen.  Joe is in his 18th year and he teaches English and Public Speaking to seniors as well as the Head Varsity Baseball Coach.  In this episode we discuss Joe being hired at Manhattanville College as the youngest head coach in NCAA history at age 21 The Alumni Classroom he started last year  Favorite books and Podcasts, and his 1% Percent Better Podcast Show Notes Bullet Point Background (Joe's Background) It's all about the names College Baseball Head Coach at Twenty-One September 4, 1999 - The Moment Alumni Classroom "The difference between the expert and the beginner is the expert has failed more times than the beginner has even tried."  Cathy Salit's "The Performance Breakthrough" Love of Coffee - Tip of the Ande's by Simpson & Vail  1% Percent Better Podcast  His Broadcasting Background His son Joey for Episode 15 of the 1% Percent Better Podcast Goal with his podcast KWB Podcast "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with" Jim Rohn Episode 1 with Todd Finley Secret to a healthy marriage "Marry someone you like." Joe Ferrero  Story of being the youngest NCAA Head Coach Episode 7 of the 1% Better Podcast with Debbie Millman "Comparison is the thief of Joy." - Theodore Roosevelt  Favorite Books/Audiobooks The Four Agreements by Don Luiz Miguel Debbie Millman - Look Both Ways Malcolm Gladwell How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie Solo by Kwami Alexander City of Thieves by Simeon Beneoff ​ Favorite Podcasts The Moment with Brian Koppelman Learning Leader with Host Ryan Hawk ABCA Calls From The Clubhouse ​FOLLOW JOE FERRARO  TWITTER: http://bit.ly/2yQrgYcEMAIL: ferraro22@hotmail.com FOLLOW TEACHER TUNNEL  INSTAGRAM: http://bit.ly/2fqoe8k TWITTER: http://bit.ly/2xoORl1 FACEBOOK: http://bit.ly/2wQqSab WEBSITE: http://bit.ly/2lIbKaI FOLLOW JON BELT INSTAGRAM: http://bit.ly/2wQqSab TWITTER: http://bit.ly/ICFCzV FACEBOOK: http://bit.ly/2fkdlBp WEBSITE: http://bit.ly/2lIbKaI Sponsor April Mass Photography ⇐ Get candid & fun photography at 10% off if you mention this podcast Review the podcast on Apple Podcasts ​ Music Song: I dunno (ft. J Lang, Morusque)  Artist: Grapes  Album: ccMixter Thank you for checking out this episode of the Teacher Tunnel Podcast. Please share these free episodes with friends and colleagues to connect a wider audience. Also, if you haven’t done so already, please take a minute and leave a quick 5-Star review of the show on Apple Podcasts by clicking on the link below. Reviewing the podcast gives us the opportunity to widen our community, in turn, give more value to many. ​ Click Here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts Click Here to subscribe via Stitcher Click Here for the TuneIn Radio Click Here to subscribe to RSS FEED via Libsyn

    Total Duration 49:46 Download episode 189 "Calm Down" Doesn't Work What is something in your near future that's causing you to feel nervous? For example: A certification exam that you'll be taking soon A presentation you need to make to your senior management A tough conversation with a team member of stakeholder An interview for a job you really want When you're faced with having to perform and the stakes are high, it's normal to start feeling nervous. But there's little evidence that just telling someone to "calm down" will provide any benefit. In fact, it might make it worse. So, what does work? HBR Senior Editor Dan McGinn has a new book that takes on this very topic. In Psyched Up: How the Science of Mental Preparation Can Help You Succeed, Dan shares evidence-based insights on how you can overcome your pre-performance anxiety. What allows you to walk onto the stage or into the testing center or into that meeting room with the eye of the tiger? Dan shares his insights in this episode. During the recap of the interview, I mention the following episodes, which I recommend for further learning: Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges, by Amy Cuddy. Amy builds off her ever-popular TED Talk about using the "super hero" pose and shares ideas on how to be more confident and assertive. My interview with Amy is at http://www.PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com/142 Performance Breakthrough: A Radical Approach to Success at Work, by Cathy Salit. Shakespeare wasn't kidding when he said "All the world's a stage!" Cathy suggests that every interaction is a performance, and when we can see life through that lens, much growth and learning is possible. Our video discussion is at https://PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com/149. Thank you for joining me for this episode of The People and Projects Podcast! DARKENING DEVELOPMENTS by Kevin Macleod Licensed under a Creative Commons: Attribution 3.0 License. EYE OF THE TIGER by Survivor available on Amazon at http://amzn.to/2yhMZaR

Play Episode The post LCN 124: There’s No Competition & You’re Not Selling Snake Oil appeared first on Living A Creative Life with Melissa Dinwiddie.

Cathy Salit is an author, performer, executive coach, social entrepreneur and CEO of the consulting firm, Performance of a Lifetime. Cathy and her team of coaches use the art and science of theatrical performance to engage leaders and teams in creating and acting on uncharted possibilities to grow their business. Her client list includes Twitter, American Express, Nike, Coca-Cola, Rolls Royce, The Johns Hopkins Hospital and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Her work and thought leadership have been featured in Fast Company, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Inc., Wired, CEO World Magazine, and on podcasts, radio and viral videos all over the world. Cathy is the author of Performance Breakthrough: A Radical Approach to Success at Work, which has been praised by top influencers including Dan Pink, who writes, “This remarkable book will electrify your work and enliven your soul.”

Cathy Salit is CEO of Performance of a Lifetime. She has delivered hundreds of keynote speeches on how using performance in everyday life helps with growth and productivity. She’s the author of Performance Breakthrough’ A radical approach to success at work. In conversation with Cathy we chat about her work at POAL, and how treating life as a great performance can be a strong catalyst for growth and change. How her company has developed over time using performance, improvisation and psychology  to create a safe ‘playground’ and lead to a diverse range of projects including working with inner city ‘cops and kids’ to to improving the doctor/patient relationship.… Continue Reading The post Cathy Salit | Performance of a lifetime appeared first on Rocket Steps. The art of communication..

How do you foster more fun and creativity in your relationship? How do you change things up when they get boring? How do you keep them from getting boring in the first place? How do you bring your authenticity into the “fun”? In today’s episode, we’re chatting with Cathy Salit, author of Performance Breakthrough and one of the world’s experts on how to use improvisation for personal development. Her expertise offers answers to these very questions - so...on with the fun! Are you finding ways to engage with curiosity? We are constantly in relation with what the world brings to us. By bringing the concept of improvisation into our lives, we begin to see all the possibilities and potential scenarios that each new moment offers. We shift from a stuck pattern of habitual response, into a place of curiosity and (sometimes) humor. We can even learn to delight in the fact that we are performers capable of changing the scene and scenario in new and surprising ways! We are all natural born performers: We are all natural born performers; just watch children as they play, imagine, create, and experiment. We lose consciousness of our capacity to play as we age, however we can reconnect and reinitiate this capacity as adults in ways that allow us to grow and to stretch. Choose authentic play. Put yourself in spaces that cultivate this young and open energy, remembering that we are not only built to play, but we are built through play. Carve out places in your life and in your relationship dedicated to improvisation; create safe places in which it is healthy to be messy. We contain multitudes. Living into this concept of ourselves as performers we begin to connect with multiple versions of ourselves. Not in a disjointed or splitting way, but rather in a full of possibilities way. Inside each of us, and inside each interaction, is the potential for MANY different outcomes. See how many ways you can respond differently from your habitual script. Expand your own expression and vocabulary of your authentic humanness. You are not set in stone, you are not programmed or trapped, instead you are full of surprises! Living into this belief can have profound impacts on your love life, allowing you to feel more confident and connected.   The Becoming principle: The becoming principle is based on Salit’s idea that “we are not just who we are - we are who we are and who we are not yet, meaning who we are becoming.” When we improvise and perform in ways we have not done before, we begin to explore and discover new internal territory. We expand ourselves into new ways of being, and learn about parts of ourselves that we do not yet know exist! By getting outside of our habitual ways of reacting and being in relationship and in the world, we free ourselves to imagine AND become more than we thought we were or could be. When it comes to dating... Is the process of dating becoming tedious, or daunting? Try choosing a new way to perform. Is it possible to try on the role of someone who is really interested in getting to know lots of people? This internal shift alone may make you focus on qualities of the experience that actually make it true for you. Play around with how you interact with challenges, looking more for the opportunities they provide than the struggle. How would someone else do this? What if you see your relationship as if it were an ensemble? Each person has their strengths, their weaknesses, and together you can build off of these. Be playful together- when situations or issues arise, especially the ones that you have repeated over and over again, begin to ask each other ‘what else can we do?’ What can we try in order to be able to change some aspect of this scene?’ What might someone else do or say in this situation? How can we experiment in this moment? Try it on. Sing your complaints! Speak in accents. Make your woes an opera. Laugh at yourself. Repeat the scene as if it was a melodrama. Obviously this level of playfulness is not always appropriate, however it is helpful WAY MORE than it is harmful. Any shift from the predictable stuckness will open the door for the entire gestalt to change. The energy between you and your partner, and the tone of the conversation will transform in a way that often gives both of you a chance to look at yourself and the ‘scene’ with more of a distance and more of an ability to find a new perspective. Role play: Another way to perform is to act as if you are your partner. Try them on. Get inside their point of view in order to learn more about your partner’s experience, as well as perhaps more about yourself as you begin to see your own actions and behaviors through their lens. Experience yourself through the way your partner portrays you. Role playing also gives you a great opportunity to educate your partner if you notice that their portrayal of you is off. These types of activities are critical as they help us examine and explore the HOWS of our interactions, versus the WHATS of our interactions, thus allowing us to see more clearly the hidden beliefs, habits, and needs that are constantly influencing communication and connection. Create with Crap: So much of what we deal with in our day to day is far from roses and rainbows, and it takes courage and creativity to sustain our energy. ‘Creating with crap’ is the idea that we try to find creative and new ways to address old problems so as not to be demoralized, depressed, angry, or humiliated by it. We need to find ways to let the light in. For example, instead of focusing and ruminating on the fact that your partner is always late, make a new rule that for every time they are late you are going to dance together for 5 minutes. Find little gestures that invite magic in, and help turn painful moments into moments for connection.   Applaud mistakes! It is key to create a culture in your relationship that encourages mistake making. Enormous growth occurs when mistakes and messiness are welcomed and applauded. We are human and we constantly make mistakes. The question is, how can we grow from this? How can the relationship grow from this? Sometimes it can be very helpful, and empowering, for one of you to turn to your partner and say ‘well, that went really badly- that was a mistake and I didn’t do that as well as I could have’. Make a mistake, and then take a bow! If your partner takes responsibility and owns their mistake, then applaud them! Make this the rule. By celebrating mistakes and vulnerability you move the relationship out of a dangerous shame and blame paradigm, and into a collaborative place in which together you can figure out how you could have changed the scene, thus reinforcing the container of the relationship, rather than degrading it one mistake at a time. Yes, and! The day to day of partnership can become pretty mundane and quotidian, we all know it. In improvisation there is a fundamental rule in which each person listens with an openness and responds with “yes, and…” to everyone and everything that is presented with them. This rule is the key to creativity and connection both on and off the stage. Bring this attitude and practice into your relationship. Tune into what your partner is offering to you in every moment. In addition to this changing the nature and culture of your conversations (especially during disagreements), you will end up going places you would not have gone otherwise. By saying “yes, but…” you stay stuck. Some people feel temporarily more safe when they say ‘no’ and stick with what they already know/what is certain, however in time this actually becomes more dangerous. Choosing to be vulnerable, and taking risks, allows your relationship to grow, to develop, and to repair in ways that are essential for its integrity. Resources: Read Cathy Salit’s book Performance Breakthrough Check out her organization Performance of a Lifetime Sign up to receive Cathy’s newsletter here www.neilsattin.com/performance Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Cathy Salit - and qualify for the book giveaway!   Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out

It’s an exciting week around here. For one thing, it’s my birthday week! I celebrated the day differently than I have in year’s past - taking a ton of down time, and enjoying some mellow moments with Chloe. Allowing myself the freedom to do NOTHING for a day. Of course, I didn’t do nothing, but what I did do felt sweet, special - and I appreciated all the little birthday greetings that came in from friends around the globe. Here’s another piece of exciting news. A little background on this: You may know that Chloe and I have a 7-week course, called Thriving Intimacy. It’s a comprehensive journey through all of the things that they should have told you about how to do relationships well in school, but didn’t. We’ve been fortunate enough through our work with clients and the conversations here on the podcast to put together this 7-week course that’s comprehensive and represents the state of the art on how to do relationships well. We’ve had great feedback on the course - and if you’re interested in that, you can text the word "INTIMACY" to 33444, or you can visit neilsattin.com/intimacy and find out more. But that’s not why I brought this up... After creating the Thriving Intimacy course, we started up a conversation with the site DailyOM. They were looking for a course on relationships that would have the potential to completely transform a relationship in 21 days, and asked us if we would be willing to put that together for them. So what we did is we looked at the framework that we put together for our 7-week Thriving Intimacy and thought - ok, if we were going to take someone on a 21-day journey that touched on all of these points in a way that made sense, what would it look like? How far could we go? And that’s how our new course 21 Days to Deeper Intimacy was born. Actually I’ll let you in on a little secret - it was originally going to be called "21 Days to a Deep Sense of Safety in Your Relationship". I guess they thought that was too long or something. So it’s called 21 Days to Deeper Intimacy. And it’s a course that you can take with your partner, or alone. Over the course of the 21 Days, you will Uncover the hidden obstacles to safety and connection in your relationship Awaken a deep sense of presence and attunement within yourself and with your partner Learn how to communicate with greater ease, so that you can feel fully seen and understood by your partner (and come to understand your partner better as well) Clear out old, unhealthy patterns and ways of operating in your relationship, for a deeper sense of what's truly possible for you in love Learn how to foster sexual and sensual energy throughout the day with your partner Create a rock solid container for your relationship allowing you to feel the freedom that's possible in commitment and more! And DailyOM released it yesterday, on my birthday! That wasn’t planned, by the way. The course is already in their top 10 - which is really exciting for us as it means that it will be seen by the thousands of people who visit their site. And of course we wanted to tell you about it as well. One of the interesting things is that you can actually choose what you want to pay for the course. So hopefully that makes it accessible for you. The way to find out more about the course is to either visit neilsattin.com/21days or you can text “21DAYS” to the number 33444 and I will send you a link so you can check out the course. So whether you want a 7-week journey, or a 21-day journey, or both - we designed the two courses so that they would complement each other - there are some great options for you to take what you’ve heard here on the podcast and get some guidance on how to apply it in your life. Next week, for Valentine’s Day, we’re going to release a fun episode with Cathy Salit on - well - basically how to foster fun in your relationship. See you then!

One of the things that is key to the success of children and I'd say anyone is to be related to. Part of what makes it possible for children to learn, grow and develop is that they are related to as people who can learn, grown, and develop. If you are not related to as a learner, but instead are related to as a loser, a fuckup, as somebody who is not going got go anywhere because of ABCDEFG, that is so much a part of why it is kids don't succeed and they can't learn. – Cathy SalitCathy Salit is the CEO of Performance of a Lifetime and author of PERFORMANCE BREAKTHROUGH: A Radical Approach to Success at Work See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Salit’s core idea is that all humans have an innate ability to perform, pretend, and improvise. It’s what helps us develop as children and continue developing as adults. You may not have been on a stage since you played a tree in third grade, but the reality is that you’re performing all the time. Performance Breakthrough shows how you can use ideas and techniques from theater and improvisation, along with the new science of performative psychology, to enhance your performance at work and “become who you are not yet.”

Salit’s core idea is that all humans have an innate ability to perform, pretend, and improvise. It’s what helps us develop as children and continue developing as adults. You may not have been on a stage since you played a tree in third grade, but the reality is that you’re performing all the time. Performance Breakthrough shows how you can use ideas and techniques from theater and improvisation, along with the new science of performative psychology, to enhance your performance at work and “become who you are not yet.”

Cathy Salit is a performer and co-founder of Performance of a Lifetime, who at 13 years old, dropped out of eighth grade and started an alternative school in an abandoned storefront in New York City... Needless to say that Cathy isn't your typical leader. Today Cathy specialises in blending theatre, improvisation, and the new science of performative psychology and her new book, Performance Breakthrough: A Radical Approach to Success at Work is on sale everywhere books are sold. In today's episode we dive into her story to explore how her unconventional path has shaped her career to date. Get ready to be blown away, this is definitely one worth sharing! Subscribe now on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/unconventionalists-mark-leruste/id1029651449?mt=2 SHOW NOTES http://www.theunconventionalists.com/episode/49 GET IN TOUCH Website: www.theunconventionalists.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/markleruste Twitter: www.twitter.com/markleruste YouTube: www.youtube.com/markleruste

October 31, 2016 Performance of a Lifetime Cathy Salit & Former SEC Commissioner Daniel Gallagher

Cathy Salit, Co-Founder of Performance of a Lifetime, author of Breakthrough Performance, talks about improvising your way into connections.  Networking Improvising Leadership Performance  

Joining me on this episode is Cathy Salit, CEO of Performance of a Lifetime and author of Performance Breakthrough: A Radical Approach to Success at Work.

Performance Breakthrough: A Radical Approach to Success at Work-Part II by Cathy Salit This on demand audio is a part of The Game Changer series. Chicke Fitzgerald interviews Cathy Salit. The original live interview was 7/29/16. This on demand audio series is a part of the Executive Girlfriends Group Vignette Series. Chicke Fitzgerald interviews Cathy Salit. The original live interview was 6/17/16. In Performance Breakthrough Cathy Salit presents the revolutionary approach to learning and growing that she and her company Performance of a Lifetime have been using for twenty years to help American Express, Nike, Pfizer, the United States Olympic Committee, PwC, 3M, and Chanel, among a Who's Who of other brand name clients. Salit's core idea is that all humans have an innate ability to perform, pretend, and improvise. It's what helps us develop as children and continue developing as adults. You may not have been on a stage since you played a tree in third grade, but the reality is that you're performing all the time. Performance Breakthrough shows how you can use ideas and techniques from theater and improvisation, along with the new science of performative psychology, to enhance your performance at work and “become who you are not yet.” In addition to being the CEO and co-founder of Performance of a Lifetime,  Cathy Salit is an accomplished social entrepreneur, actress, director, improvisational comic and singer. To order the book click HERE Cathy's website is http://performanceofalifetime.com/

A Radical Approach to Success at Work by Cathy Salit  Part 2 of an Interview by Chicke Fitzgerald of the Game Changer Network as a part of the Best of the Game Changer series, showcased on C-Suite Network  In Performance Breakthrough Cathy Salit presents the revolutionary approach to learning and growing that she and her company Performance of a Lifetime have been using for twenty years to help American Express, Nike, Pfizer, the United States Olympic Committee, PwC, 3M, and Chanel, among a Who's Who of other brand name clients.  Salit's core idea is that all humans have an innate ability to perform, pretend, and improvise. It's what helps us develop as children and continue developing as adults. You may not have been on a stage since you played a tree in third grade, but the reality is that you're performing all the time.  Performance Breakthrough shows how you can use ideas and techniques from theater and improvisation, along with the new science of performative psychology, to enhance your performance at work and “become who you are not yet.” In addition to being the CEO and co-founder of Performance of a Lifetime,  Cathy Salit is an accomplished social entrepreneur, actress, director, improvisational comic and singer. With backgrounds in philosophy and psychology coupled with experience in the performing arts, the Performance of a Lifetime team of coaches and human development experts leverage their proprietary method, the Becoming Principle™, to engage leaders and entire organizations in discovering, creating, and acting on new and uncharted possibilities. In his best-seller, To Sell is Human, Daniel Pink devotes almost an entire chapter to just one aspect of Salit's work.  Performance Breakthrough presents her full methodology to help you hone your listening, relationship and communication skills; recognize and act on opportunities; build healthy working relationships; and grow as a leader. No matter what your challenge, Salit's innovative philosophy, case studies, practical exercises, and inspiring advice will help you deliver your own top performance.  Cathy Rose Salit, our CEO and co-founder, has been shaking things up since she was 13. That's when she began her career by dropping out of eighth grade and helping to start a progressive alternative school in an abandoned storefront in New York City. (Random House published a book — Starting Your Own High School — about the endeavor.) An accomplished social entrepreneur, actress, director, improvisational comic and singer, Cathy can be seen in the Castillo Theatre's musical improv comedy show, The Proverbial Loons in New York City; in one of her signature interactive keynote presentations around the country; and in gyms throughout Manhattan honing her kick-boxing skills.  The Game Changer is featured on C-Suite Network. Chicke is a philanthropreneur • she zigs where others zag, creating value, growth and bringing to life crazy good ideas that will leave a legacy

Performance Breakthrough: A Radical Approach to Success at Work by Cathy Salit This on demand audio series is a part of the Executive Girlfriends Group Vignette Series. Chicke Fitzgerald interviews Cathy Salit. The original live interview was 6/17/16. In Performance Breakthrough Cathy Salit presents the revolutionary approach to learning and growing that she and her company Performance of a Lifetime have been using for twenty years to help American Express, Nike, Pfizer, the United States Olympic Committee, PwC, 3M, and Chanel, among a Who's Who of other brand name clients. Salit's core idea is that all humans have an innate ability to perform, pretend, and improvise. It's what helps us develop as children and continue developing as adults. You may not have been on a stage since you played a tree in third grade, but the reality is that you're performing all the time. Performance Breakthrough shows how you can use ideas and techniques from theater and improvisation, along with the new science of performative psychology, to enhance your performance at work and “become who you are not yet.” In addition to being the CEO and co-founder of Performance of a Lifetime,  Cathy Salit is an accomplished social entrepreneur, actress, director, improvisational comic and singer. To order the book click HERE Cathy's website is http://performanceofalifetime.com/

Segment 1: John Dietrich leads corporate messaging and thought leadership for Dell globally. Prior to this role, John was executive director of executive communications at Dell, where he was responsible for executive communications and PR for chairman and CEO Michael Dell and other C-suite executives.Segment 2: John Livesay helps CEOs craft a compelling pitch that engages investors in a way that inspires them to join a startup's team. He hosts The Successful Pitch podcast with investors from around the world. He and Judy Robinett are partners in Crack The Funding Code that get startup founders funded fast. After a successful 20 year career in media sales with Conde Nast, John won salesperson of the year in 2012 across the entire company. Segment 3: Zach Kaplan is the founder and CEO of Inventables, the leader in 3D carving. Segment 4: Cameka Smith is the founder of The BOSS Network, the fastest-growing women business communities.Segment 5: Cathy Salit is the CEO and co-founder of Performance of a Lifetime. Cathy's new book, “Performance Breakthrough: A Radical Approach to Success at Work” (Hachette Books).

A Radical Approach to Success at Work by Cathy Salit  Part 1 of an Interview by Chicke Fitzgerald of the Game Changer Network as a part of the Best of the Game Changer series, showcased on C-Suite Network  In Performance Breakthrough Cathy Salit presents the revolutionary approach to learning and growing that she and her company Performance of a Lifetime have been using for twenty years to help American Express, Nike, Pfizer, the United States Olympic Committee, PwC, 3M, and Chanel, among a Who's Who of other brand name clients.  Salit's core idea is that all humans have an innate ability to perform, pretend, and improvise. It's what helps us develop as children and continue developing as adults. You may not have been on a stage since you played a tree in third grade, but the reality is that you're performing all the time.  Performance Breakthrough shows how you can use ideas and techniques from theater and improvisation, along with the new science of performative psychology, to enhance your performance at work and “become who you are not yet.” In addition to being the CEO and co-founder of Performance of a Lifetime,  Cathy Salit is an accomplished social entrepreneur, actress, director, improvisational comic and singer. With backgrounds in philosophy and psychology coupled with experience in the performing arts, the Performance of a Lifetime team of coaches and human development experts leverage their proprietary method, the Becoming Principle™, to engage leaders and entire organizations in discovering, creating, and acting on new and uncharted possibilities. In his best-seller, To Sell is Human, Daniel Pink devotes almost an entire chapter to just one aspect of Salit's work.  Performance Breakthrough presents her full methodology to help you hone your listening, relationship and communication skills; recognize and act on opportunities; build healthy working relationships; and grow as a leader. No matter what your challenge, Salit's innovative philosophy, case studies, practical exercises, and inspiring advice will help you deliver your own top performance.  Cathy Rose Salit, our CEO and co-founder, has been shaking things up since she was 13. That's when she began her career by dropping out of eighth grade and helping to start a progressive alternative school in an abandoned storefront in New York City. (Random House published a book — Starting Your Own High School — about the endeavor.) An accomplished social entrepreneur, actress, director, improvisational comic and singer, Cathy can be seen in the Castillo Theatre's musical improv comedy show, The Proverbial Loons in New York City; in one of her signature interactive keynote presentations around the country; and in gyms throughout Manhattan honing her kick-boxing skills.  The Game Changer is featured on C-Suite Network. Chicke is a philanthropreneur • she zigs where others zag, creating value, growth and bringing to life crazy good ideas that will leave a legacy

We are excited to welcome Performance of a Lifetime CEO, Cathy Salit, to today's episode of The Second Stage. As a singer and actor, Ms. Salit offers a unique approach to organizational change and leadership development, using what she calls “The Becoming Principle (SM),” defining as learning who you are not…yet. The Performance of a Lifetime methodology, which combines techniques from theatrical performance and performative psychology, has been embraced by and shaped leaders and organizations, such as Microsoft and Coca-Cola. Now, Ms. Salit shares her methodology in her new book, “Performance Breakthrough: A Radical Approach to Success at Work.” In it, she offers case studies and practical exercises to help you hone your listening, communication skills; recognize and act on opportunities; build healthy working relationships; and grow as a leader. Join our discussion to learn how this might help your small business thrive and evolve!

Introducing Cathy Salit -- a master of improvisation. Salit started improvising young. When she was only 12, she was so miserable at school, her mother convinced her to drop out and create her own school.  She has been improvising ever since.  Like any great improviser, when Salit sees a “crappy” situation, she sees an opportunity to create something better.  Do you know what happens when you take that improvisational mentality out of the theater and into almost any other workplace? That's what Salit reveals in her new book, “Performance Breakthrough:  A Radical Approach to Success at Work.” What she shares during our half-hour conversation will, I believe, help make your work life a more satisfying production – and your home life too.

Introducing Cathy Salit -- a master of improvisation. Salit started improvising young. When she was only 12, she was so miserable at school, her mother convinced her to drop out and create her own school.  She has been improvising ever since.  Like any great improviser, when Salit sees a “crappy” situation, she sees an opportunity to create something better.  Do you know what happens when you take that improvisational mentality out of the theater and into almost any other workplace? That’s what Salit reveals in her new book, “Performance Breakthrough:  A Radical Approach to Success at Work.” What she shares during our half-hour conversation will, I believe, help make your work life a more satisfying production – and your home life too. 

{youtube}https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eftti9wE5E{/youtube} Total Duration 59:13 Download episode 149 All the World's a Stage Could it be that everything we do is a performance? Every interaction, at work and at home? That's the premise of Cathy Salit's new book Performance Breakthrough: A Radical Approach to Success at Work. In this episode, we'll talk with Cathy why this performance idea can make all the difference in your ability to learn and grow. To learn more about Cathy, please visit her website at: http://PerformanceOfALifetime.com/. Thank you for joining me for this video episode of The People and Projects Podcast! Have a great week!   ROYAL BANANA by Kevin Macleod Licensed under Creative Commons: Attribution 3.0 License. IMPROVE YOURSELF by Marcos H. Bolanos Licensed under Creative Commons: Attribution-ShareAlike License.