Clemenz With a ”Z” Podcast

In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I sit down with Jeremy Steele, also known as The Skeptic Pastor for a conversation that's honest, wide-ranging, and refreshingly unpretentious. Jeremy is a United Methodist pastor, author, podcast host, and the founder of Not Church, a faith community for people who've been hurt by religion but haven't given up on the sacred. We talk about what it means to unlearn harmful theology, live with doubt, and stay curious without becoming cynical. If you've ever wondered how to hold onto your spirituality without the baggage, or if you've walked away from church but still long for something deeper, this one's for you. You can follow Jeremy on Instagram @skepticpastor, check out his podcast Unbelief (available wherever you listen to podcasts), and learn more about his inclusive, online community at notchurch.net. His book including How to Not Suck at Being Christian, and others, are available wherever books are sold. As always, you can find more episodes, blog posts, and ways to support the show at clemenzwithaz.com, or follow me on Instagram @clemenzwithaz. or you can contribute to the GoFundMe here:  https://gofund.me/7ebb0524.  Every little bit helps keep this going, and I'm so grateful for it. Thanks for being here and for staying open.

What does it really mean to “share your faith”? In the church I grew up in, it didn't mean storytelling or connection—it meant recruitment. Evangelism wasn't optional; it was expected, required, and tracked. In this episode of This Was Supposed to Be the Place, I unpack the intense pressure we felt to bring people to church, the shame tied to “not producing fruit,” and the way our relationships became tools for expansion. From Kmart training days to paintball invites to spiritual performance disguised as purpose, I trace how sharing faith got twisted into selling it. And then I share the moment it all flipped—sitting in a friend's truck, drinking a beer, having a real conversation with no script and no strings. It turns out, maybe that's what sharing your faith was supposed to look like all along. If this one hit close to home—if you ever felt like your worth was tied to how many people you “brought out,” or if you still carry that little voice saying, you didn't do enough—just know: you're not alone. And you're not crazy. Some of us were just kids trying to survive youth group politics and Kmart evangelism while pretending we were saving the world.  If you want to reach out in any way, you can do that at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or DM me at the Clemenz With a Z instagram page.   As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. You can support the show by visiting clemenzwithaz.com, and grabbing something cool from the shop, subscribing to my Substack, or contributing to the GoFundMe here:  https://gofund.me/7ebb0524.  Every little bit helps keep this going, and I'm so grateful for it. Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

n this powerful episode of We Were In a Cult?, I sit down with Tara to unpack the layers of pain, survival, and spiritual manipulation she experienced—both before and during her time in the ICOC. Tara speaks openly about growing up in a home marked by abuse and instability, and how that history made her vulnerable to the church's promises of love, family, and transformation. This conversation is raw, honest, and at times deeply unsettling. But it's also brave—and necessary. If you've ever wondered how high-control religious groups prey on people's wounds and rewrite their stories, Tara's voice brings that reality into sharp, unflinching focus. Trigger warning: This episode contains discussion of childhood abuse and trauma. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can continue exploring the question, “We were in a cult?”—and perhaps find some healing along the way. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. You can support the show by visiting clemenzwithaz.com, and grabbing something cool from the shop, subscribing to my Substack, or contributing to the GoFundMe here:  https://gofund.me/7ebb0524.  Every little bit helps keep this going, and I'm so grateful for it. Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

What does it mean to be a man of God and who gets to decide? In this episode, I take a hard look at how churches and Christian influencers are shaping men under the banner of “biblical masculinity.” From warrior sermons to purity culture to performative strength disguised as holiness, we're naming what's really going on: cherry-picked verses, selective literalism, and a whole lot of ego. Recorded during Men's Health Month and following my Father's Day sermon response, this conversation asks what kind of men we're actually forming, and whether Jesus would even be welcome in the version of manhood being preached. If this episode resonated with you, don't forget to like, subscribe, rate, and review the podcast and share it with someone who might need to hear it. You can also support the show by visiting clemenzwithaz.com, subscribing to my Substack, or contributing to the GoFundMe here:  https://gofund.me/7ebb0524. Peace Y'all!

So… yeah. It's Pride Month. And here I am, a straight, white, former church kid debating whether or not to even say anything. Because let's be honest: the internet doesn't need another straight guy weighing in on LGBTQ+ stuff like he's doing anyone a favor. I didn't want this to be some performative, “Look at me, I'm a good ally” thing. That's not what I'm after. That's never been the point of this podcast. But I also don't want to stay quiet. I grew up in a church that had plenty to say about gay people, and none of it kind. I learned to hide. I learned to shrink. I learned to clip my wings and call it obedience. And I've seen what that kind of faith does to people who are just trying to be themselves. Especially kids. So no, I'm not trying to center myself. I'm not part of the LGBTQ+ community. But I have been part of the silence. And honestly? I'm tired of pretending that's somehow more respectful. This episode isn't polished. It's not perfect. It's not a mic drop or a manifesto. It's just me sitting in the tension, saying something I probably should've said a long time ago. Because out of all the hills I could die on… this isn't one of them. If any of this resonates with you, I'd love to hear from you. You can shoot me an email at @clemenzwithaz. And if you want to support the show, keep it going you can head over to the gofundme here: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524, or grab something from the shop at clemenzwithaz.com (there's some good stuff in there). Also, if you haven't already, do the whole like/rate/subscribe thingit seriously helps more than you know. And you can read more of what I'm writing over on clemenzwithaz.substack.com if you want to keep following along.

What happens when your childhood faith is built in hotel ballrooms, conference centers, and synagogues that weren't actually yours? In this episode, I take you back into the strange, sacred spaces where I grew up trying to worship, belong, and stay out of trouble (usually). From stuffing my pockets with leftover banquet snacks to watching Beavis and Butthead after Wednesday night devos, this is a story about wandering faith, borrowed spaces, and the building we almost bought—but thankfully didn't. There's no tidy lesson here. Just memories. A little sugar. And the quiet question that still lingers: What makes a place holy—when it was never really ours to begin with? Thanks for listening to Clemenz With a "Z." If this episode made you laugh, remember, or feel a little less alone in your own story, I'd love it if you'd take a second to like, subscribe, rate, or leave a review—it helps more than you know. If you want to support the show and keep these conversations going, you can head over to clemenzwithaz.com. You'll find ways to give, grab some merch, you can also donate at https://gofund.me/7ebb0524, or check out the weekly Substack  devotionals I've been writing. Every little bit helps fuel this work—and I'm grateful you're here.

This episode started with a bench press, outside a church before a father's day service. Yep. That actually happened. But it's not just about one pastor or one sermon, it's about the weight men keep being told to carry. In The Weight Was Never Yours, I respond to a Father's Day message built on fear, performance, and pressure, and explore how that kind of faith doesn't free men, it breaks them. This is a call to let go of the false scripts, the macho theater, and the fragile strength dressed up as godliness. If you've ever felt like manhood was a test you were failing, this episode is for you. There's a better way. A freer one. And it doesn't start with a bench press,it starts with honesty. If you're a dad, a partner, a man in the middle of unlearning, or even if you're just someone who's been affected by the weight men are told to carry:  I hope this gave you some language.  Or maybe just a little relief.  A crack in the armor where something softer can breathe. You don't have to perform your way into worth.  You don't have to lead like a soldier to be holy.  You don't have to carry it alone. If this resonated, there's more where that came from.  You can find other episodes of Clemenz With a “Z” wherever you listen to podcasts.  Or head over to my Substack for devotionals, reflections, and the kind of spiritual wrestling they never let us do in Sunday school. Want to reach out or share your story?  You can always message me on Instagram @clemenzwithaz or send an email through my website, clemenzwithaz.com.  And if you want to support this work, whether it's a one-time tip at gofund.me/7ebb0524 buying a sticker at my website:  clemenzwithaz.com, or just spreading the word there's info for that on the site too. Until next time,  Be soft where you used to be scared.  Be honest where you used to hide.  And be strong enough to rest.

What does it mean to be a man in a world built by louder men? In this episode, I wrestle with the emotional weight so many of us carry:  the silence, the shame, the inherited scripts we never asked for. Paying Off the Debt of Idiots? isn't a lecture on masculinity; it's a meditation. On what I've seen. On what I've felt. On what it means to speak honestly in a world that often punishes men for trying. From my years as a teacher to the quiet grief I've witnessed in boys and grown men alike, this one's about making space,for tenderness, for feeling, for change. If you've ever felt caught between who you were told to be and who you really are, this one's for you. If you felt something while listening, if it stirred something up, if it made you uncomfortable, or maybe made you feel a little less alone I'd love to hear from you. You can reach out anytime at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or DM me on Instagram at @clemenzwithazpodcast. And hey, if you're a man listening to this and you've ever felt this tension, this ache, this minefield of trying to feel something without being punished for it… I see you. You're not broken. You're not weak. You're just human. And you're not alone. If this episode meant something to you, please consider rating and reviewing the show it helps more people find these conversations, and maybe find themselves in them. if you want to support the podcast in a tangible way, you can head to clemenzwithaz.com to grab some merch, or you can donate here at gofund.me/7ebb0524, As always, I'm just a channel,I ain't the source. But if this message moved through me in a way that helped you… then maybe that's what I was here for. Until next time Keep showing up. Keep staying open. And maybe, just maybe, keep making space for the next generation to speak before they have to heal.

When the Thing Isn't the Thing (But Still Shapes You) is one of the most personal stories I've shared on the podcast. It's about my journey into teaching—a path I thought was my calling, my purpose, my thing. From college classrooms to student teaching to working in actual schools, I kept telling myself I was where I was supposed to be. I had poured years of my life, money, passion, and heart into becoming a teacher. But slowly, and then all at once, I started to realize something didn't fit. This episode is about that quiet unraveling. About being the only guy in rooms full of people who didn't quite understand me. About trying to make space for creativity, empathy, and connection in a system that seemed more focused on test scores, tidy paperwork, and compliance. It's about the burnout that comes when you keep trying to be something for everyone else while your own heart is begging you to stop. And it's about the moment I had to ask: What if the thing I thought was “the thing”... just isn't? If you've ever held on too long, ignored the signs, or questioned whether walking away means you failed—this episode is for you. Because sometimes the most painful lessons are also the ones that shape us the most. You can reach me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or shoot me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. If you're enjoying the podcast, please take a moment to rate and review. It helps more people find their way to these conversations, and maybe find a little peace, too. And if you'd like to support the show, you can donate at gofund.me/7ebb0524, or grab something meaningful from clemenzwithaz.com to help keep this space alive. Peace!

After sharing the story about my son's pink sparkly Vans, I thought I was done talking about it—but turns out, I'm not. In this follow-up, I dive deeper into where all this fear around colors and self-expression really comes from. I talk about protection, insecurity, parenting, and the moments that still mess with me as a dad. And yeah, I bring up those pastors and dude bros who keep pushing the same tired messages. But more than anything, this is about choosing presence over fear, and building kids up from the inside. Especially with Father's Day around the corner, it felt right to keep this conversation going. If today's conversation stirred something in you—whether you're a parent, a former kid who got teased for wearing the wrong color, or someone just trying to unlearn the fear you were handed—just know you're not alone. These stories matter. Your story matters. And I'm grateful you're here, doing the work with me. You can reach me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or shoot me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. If you're enjoying the podcast, please take a moment to rate and review. It helps more people find their way to these conversations, and maybe find a little peace, too. And if you'd like to support the show, you can donate at gofund.me/7ebb0524, or grab something meaningful from clemenzwithaz.com to help keep this space alive.  

In this episode, I'm reflecting on something that's been stirring in me for a while—the idea that we're not as important as we think we are. And that's not a bad thing. I'm talking about the quiet, humbling truth that while we're not the center of the universe, we're still part of something much bigger and more beautiful. Drawing from contemplative spirituality, the natural world, and even the teachings of Jesus, I explore how true significance isn't about standing above everything—it's about finding our place within it. If you've ever felt like you had to be spectacular to be worthy, I hope this helps you breathe a little deeper and find your spot in the chorus. If this episode stirred something in you—if it helped you feel less alone, more grounded, or even just a little more okay with not being the center of the universe—I'd love to hear that, too. You can reach me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or DM me on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps others find these stories and this space. And don't forget: I'm just a channel. I ain't the source. If you'd like to support the podcast financially, you can follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Or head to clemenzwithaz.com and grab a sticker or something cool from the shop—every little bit helps keep this going, and I'm truly grateful for it.

In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I'm doing something I haven't done in a while: I'm talking about the good. Specifically, I'm sharing about the camp I grew up going to "The Swamp".  This was the one place in my time in the church that truly felt like a safe space. A place where I was seen and heard, where I could be my weird, creative self without fear. This story isn't just about camp—it's about the power of being seen, the impact of adults who show up for kids, and the importance of creating those pockets of light in a world that can feel so dark. I hope you'll sit with me as I unpack it, and maybe find a little bit of light and hope for yourself along the way. Thank you for your support of Clemenz With a Z. Your support and your willingness to sit with these stories means the world to me—it helps keep these important conversations going. If you're a member, were a member, or know someone who was part of the ICOC or ICC and you'd like to share your story, I'd love to hear from you. You can reach out at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or send me a DM on Instagram. And as always—if this episode resonated with you, please consider leaving a rating or a review. It helps more people find these conversations. If you'd like to support the podcast financially, you can follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Or head to clemenzwithaz.com and grab a sticker or something cool from the shop—every little bit helps keep this going, and I'm truly grateful for it. Until next time—remember: there is light, even in the dark places. And sometimes, it starts with one person showing up and saying, “I see you.” Peace.

This episode starts with a viral Instagram reel that's been stuck in my head for days. In it, a pastor watches a video of a mom sharing how her son—just four or five years old—picked out a pink backpack. You hear the dad in the background, upset about it, saying he needs something more “boyish.” The pastor looks at the camera and says, “This is why we need dads.” But what does that really mean? Because when I hear that line, I don't just hear a statement—I hear an old, familiar fear. A fear I've felt myself. A fear that showed up one day in a shoe store, when my own son reached for a pair of pink sparkly Vans and I almost steered him away. In this episode, I'm wrestling with that fear—the one that tells us to shrink, to hide, to protect our kids from the world instead of protecting what's good in them. I'm talking about what color really means, how it's never just about a backpack or a pair of shoes, and what kind of dad I actually want to be. It's a conversation about masculinity, shame, freedom—and the healing we're still called to do. If today's conversation stirred something in you—whether you're a parent, a former kid who got teased for wearing the wrong color, or someone just trying to unlearn the fear you were handed—just know you're not alone. These stories matter. Your story matters. And I'm grateful you're here, doing the work with me. You can reach me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or shoot me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. If you're enjoying the podcast, please take a moment to rate and review. It helps more people find their way to these conversations, and maybe find a little peace, too. And if you'd like to support the show, you can donate at gofund.me/7ebb0524, or grab something meaningful from clemenzwithaz.com to help keep this space alive.

In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I take a hard look at how fear-based faith and the obsession with the afterlife can steal the present from us—how it turns life into a constant performance instead of a real, lived experience. Using a gut-punch line from Frank Turner—“If you're all about the destination, then take a fucking flight”—I unpack how Jesus' own teachings and presence call us back to the moment, to the street, to the beauty of now. This isn't about throwing away faith—it's about reclaiming it from the systems that make it all about tomorrow, so we can finally start living today. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. If this stirred something in you—if you're beginning to question the constant striving, the obsession with the afterlife, or the idea that you have to earn your worth—I just want you to know: you're not alone. I've been there. And I'm still here, learning what it means to stop performing and start being. To believe that maybe presence is the point. That maybe the Kingdom really is already within us. If you're a member, were a member, or know someone who was part of the ICOC or ICC and wants to share your story—especially around what it felt like to live under all that pressure—please reach out. You can email me at gofund.me/7ebb0524, or grab something meaningful from clemenzwithaz.com to help keep this space alive. Until next time, take care of yourself. Slow down. Be here. And remember: I'm just a channel. I ain't the source. Peace.

This is a symbolic story about the faith I inherited—what it gave me, what it took from me, and the weight it carried. Told through the metaphor of a backpack, it reflects the journey of growing up believing I had everything I needed, only to discover that much of what I was carrying wasn't mine to begin with. At first, the backpack made me feel safe. Certain. Part of something bigger. But as I got older, it began to hurt—physically, emotionally, spiritually. The tools stopped working. The answers didn't fit. And yet, I kept carrying it, because I was told I had to. This piece is about the quiet moment when that changed. When I set it down. When I looked inside. When I finally asked: What have I been carrying all this time? For anyone who's ever inherited belief, identity, or expectation without being asked—this is for you. If this story stirred something in you— if you've ever felt the weight of something you didn't choose, if you've ever questioned what you were handed and wondered what was really yours— just know: you're not alone. I carried it too. For a long time. And I'm still learning what to let go of, what to hold on to, and how to walk with my own breath in my lungs. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just connect, you can email me at gofund.me/7ebb0524, or grab something meaningful from clemenzwithaz.com to help keep this space alive. Until next time— set it down if you need to. Breathe deep. And remember: you get to choose what you carry now. Peace.

In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I sit down with Emma for a powerful conversation in the We Were in a Cult? series. Emma was born into the ICOC—raised as a Kingdom Kid by parents who helped plant churches overseas and in the U.S. For her, the church wasn't something she joined; it was the world she inherited. We talk about what it means to grow up in a high-control religious environment, how deeply it shapes your sense of identity and worth, and the long, painful process of untangling truth from fear. Emma's story is honest, reflective, and deeply relatable for anyone who has ever questioned the system they were raised in. This episode is for the ones still processing, still healing, and still learning how to trust their own voice again. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can continue exploring the question, “We were in a cult?”—and perhaps find some healing along the way. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you'd like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Also—if you'd like to support the podcast financially, you can head over to clemenzwithaz.com and grab a sticker or something cool from the shop. Every little bit helps keep this going, and I'm so grateful for it. Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

Trigger Warning: This episode contains discussion of sexual trauma, spiritual manipulation, family dynamics, and feelings of violation. Please listen with care. In this powerful and honest conversation, I sit down with Ari, host of The Disallusioned Podcast. Ari shares her journey through two different high-control religious environments—growing up in a strict evangelical space and later becoming involved in a cult as an adult. We talk about the lasting impact of spiritual control, what it takes to walk away, and the ongoing work of healing and reclaiming your story. This episode is not easy, but it is real—and I'm so grateful to Ariel for her vulnerability and strength in telling it. Be sure to check out more of her story and the important work she's doing over on The DisallusionedPodcast, available wherever you get your podcasts Huge thanks to Ari for joining me and sharing so openly. If you want to hear more of her story, be sure to check out her podcast, The Disallusioned Podcast, available wherever you get your podcasts. She's doing some powerful work over there, and I'm honored to have had her here. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can continue exploring the question, “We were in a cult?”—and maybe, just maybe, find some healing along the way. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you want to support the show financially, follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524. or snag something cool from clemenzwithaz.com to help keep the fire lit. Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace.

There's a verse in Luke where Jesus says, “The kingdom of God is within you.” I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Not because it's complicated, but because it's so simple—and somehow, still so hard to believe. This episode is about that struggle. About what it means to stop chasing something you already have. I talk about rest, about the creation story, about what I learned from The BEMA Podcast, and about why so many of us—including me—still feel like we have to prove our worth to God, to others, and to ourselves. If you've ever felt like you're not enough, like you've missed something, or like you're just tired of the hustle—this one's for you. If this episode stirred something in you—if you're wrestling with what it means to stop striving, to come home to yourself, to believe you're already enough— just know you're not alone. I'm right here, walking it too. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just connect, you can find me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or DM me on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. If you enjoyed this conversation, it would mean a lot if you'd rate and review the show—it helps other people find their way here too. If you want to support the show financially, follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524. or snag something cool from clemenzwithaz.com to help keep the fire lit. Until next time— breathe deep, trust the quiet, and remember: the kingdom is already within you. Peace.

For a long time, I thought the Bible was supposed to fix everything. It was the answer key. The rulebook. The voice of God, clear and final. That's how it was taught to me in the ICOC—the International Churches of Christ—where the Bible wasn't just important, it was everything. We studied it, memorized it, submitted to it. It was presented as perfect, literal, inerrant—and if your life didn't match up with it, you were the problem. But what happens when you start to question the way you've been taught to read it? What happens when the Bible becomes less of a guide and more of a god? In this episode of This Was Supposed to Be the Place, I dive into the idolatry of the Bible—how we elevate it, weaponize it, and often miss the deeper point it was always trying to make. I'm not a scholar. I'm not a theologian. I'm just someone who lived it, who got burned by it, and who's trying to come back to it with softer eyes. This isn't about throwing the Bible out. It's about taking it off the pedestal and asking what kind of relationship we were actually meant to have with it. If this resonated, if you've got thoughts, pushback, or your own story—I'd love to hear from you. You can email me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or send a DM on Instagram at @clemenzwithaz. If you want to support the show financially, follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524. or snag something cool from clemenzwithaz.com to help keep the fire lit. And as always: I'm just a channel. I ain't the source.

In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I take you inside a sermon that hit me sideways — one of those messages that sounds “biblical” on the surface, but leaves your gut twisted underneath. The pastor said men and women are “equal… but not equivalent,” and that women were designed by God to be helpers while men hold headship. And that's where everything started to unravel. I share how that message clashed with not only my lived experience — as a former elementary school teacher, a husband, and a dad — but also with the marriage I'm in, the family I'm raising, and the partnership I watched my parents model. This episode isn't about rebellion — it's about relationship. It's about pulling back the curtain on so-called “God-designed roles,” and asking what happens when we stop chasing hierarchy and start building love, mutuality, and something real. Your support keeps these honest conversations going. If you're new here, or if you've been riding with me for a while—thank you. Please take a second to rate, review, and share the podcast if it spoke to you. It helps more people find these stories and moments of reflection. If you want to support the show financially, follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524. or snag something cool from clemenzwithaz.com to help keep the fire lit. And as always— I'm just a channel. I ain't the source.

This episode is another part of the We Were in a Cult? series here on the Clemenz With a "Z" Podcast. I sit down with Eugene, who joined me all the way from Russia to share his story of life inside—and beyond—the International Churches of Christ. In this series, I sit down with former members of the ICOC and ICC to listen to their stories, make sense of what we experienced, and hopefully find some healing along the way. Eugene was a freshman in Saint Petersburg in the early 90s when he first encountered the ICOC. What followed was a years-long journey of devotion, disillusionment, and ultimately, healing. Despite the distance, Eugene's experience mirrors so many of the same patterns we've heard throughout this series: control disguised as discipleship, fear wrapped in love, and the long, quiet work of reclaiming your sense of self after leaving a high-control group. This conversation is a powerful reminder that the impact of the ICOC wasn't confined to one country—it was global. And so is the healing. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can continue exploring the question, “We were in a cult?”—and perhaps find some healing along the way. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you'd like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Also—if you'd like to support the podcast financially, you can head over to clemenzwithaz.com and grab a sticker or something cool from the shop. Every little bit helps keep this going, and I'm so grateful for it. Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

Lately, I felt this deep pull to get away—not to escape life, but to find something underneath all the noise. So I packed up and took my first solo trip to a cabin that's been in my wife's family for generations, tucked right up against a river. No Wi-Fi. No distractions. Just silence, cold water, firewood, and whatever was waiting for me in the quiet. In this episode, I share what it was like to face my nerves, to find stillness in the middle of fear, and to reconnect with something I didn't know I'd been missing. There's a bald eagle involved. There's a soap-in-the-river moment. There's a whole lot of wrestling with what it means to "find your wild." And maybe, just maybe, an invitation for you to find yours too. Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. If this episode stirred something in you—if you've been feeling the pull toward stillness, space, or your own version of the wild—I hope you'll listen to that. Even if it's just five minutes of quiet today. Start there. Your support keeps these honest conversations going. If you're new here, or if you've been riding with me for a while—thank you. Please take a second to rate, review, and share the podcast if it spoke to you. It helps more people find these stories and moments of reflection. If you want to support the show financially, follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524. or snag something cool from clemenzwithaz.com to help keep the fire lit. And as always— I'm just a channel. I ain't the source.

In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I sit down once again with Alan Allard for a deeper, more honest conversation about the hard work of healing after religious trauma. If you caught our first conversation (EP 126: A Story of Healing with Alan Allard), you know how much insight Alan brings — and this time, we dive even deeper into what it really takes to rebuild your life, your beliefs, and your sense of self after high-control religion. We talk about everything from the danger of certainty, to how toxic beliefs can trap us in shame and self-doubt long after we leave the system. Alan also shares the three core keys he believes are essential for moving from surviving to truly thriving — and why real healing isn't about finding the "right" answers, but about learning how to trust yourself again. Alan Allard is a former psychotherapist and an expert in happiness, human performance, and how to empower agency and well-being after trauma, abuse, and adversity. He works with individuals, couples, churches, and organizations who want to thrive. To find out more about Alan's work and get his contact information, visit: www.alanallard.com Whether you're just starting your journey or you've been walking it for a while, I hope this conversation encourages you to keep going — and reminds you: you're not broken. You're rebuilding. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can keep exploring the question, “We were in a cult?” — and maybe find a little more healing along the way. You can reach out to me by email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review — it really does help more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel. I ain't the source. If you want to support the show financially, follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524. Or — if you want to grab a sticker or something cool from the shop, head over to clemenzwithaz.com. Every little bit helps keep this going, and I'm seriously so grateful. Until next time — be gentle with yourself, stay open, and remember: you're not broken. You're rebuilding. Take care. Stay grateful. Keep growing. Peace.

What happens when the people who preach love don't live it—and the ones you least expect to show up with kindness, do? In this episode, I tell the story of two backstage coffee gigs—one at a major Christian music festival, the other at the Warped Tour—and the surprising lessons they taught me about generosity, humility, and the quiet kind of gospel that doesn't need a spotlight. It's not about bashing anyone. It's about wrestling with expectations, letting people be human, and learning to find sacred moments in the places we never thought to look. Thanks for tuning in to Clemenz With a Z. If this one hit something real in you—if you've ever felt let down by the people or places you thought were supposed to be holy—I hope you know you're not alone. Maybe the real gospel is quieter than we were taught. Maybe it's just presence, eye contact, kindness—no strings attached. If you want to support the show,  follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524or head on over to clemenzwithaz.com—grab a sticker, share an episode, or leave a review wherever you listen. And as always… tip your baristas. They're watching.

In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I continue my series on idolatry in the church—but this time, I turn the lens toward something that feels almost untouchable: the cross itself. Growing up, the cross was everything—sacred, central, and surrounded by emotion. But lately, I've been wrestling with what it's actually calling us to do. Is it about guilt? Worship? Performance? Or something deeper? From a deeply theatrical Good Friday service to the theology I've inherited—and now questioned—I'm unpacking how my view of the cross has changed, and what it might mean to follow Jesus without idolizing Him. This one's not about answers. It's about naming what no longer sits right… and maybe, just maybe, finding something more honest in the process. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. If you've made it this far, thank you for sitting in the tension with me. This one wasn't about clear answers—it was about asking better questions. About the cross. About worship. About what it really means to follow. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a part of the ICOC or ICC and you'd like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can keep exploring the question: “Were we in a cult?” —and maybe, just maybe, find some healing along the way. You can reach me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. And as always, if you're enjoying the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories and conversations. And don't forget: I'm just a channel. I ain't the source. If you'd like to support the podcast financially, you can follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Or head to clemenzwithaz.com and grab a sticker or something cool from the shop—every little bit helps keep this going, and I'm truly grateful for it. Until next time— take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace.

What happens when a church stops being about community and starts revolving around one man? In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I continue the “This Was Supposed to Be the Place” series by digging into the idolization of pastors—starting with Kip McKean in the ICOC, and then zooming out to the wider church culture where pastor worship, branding, and platform-building have taken center stage. I reflect on my own experiences, both in the church and beyond, and explore what happens when our faith is shaped more by charisma than by Christ. This one's about power, presence, and what church could still be—if we're brave enough to imagine it. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a part of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. But also—if something from this episode hit home for you… if you've ever found yourself centering your faith around a pastor, a personality, a system… and you're working your way through it—I'd love to hear your story too. Maybe it's time we talk about it together, out loud. You can reach me anytime at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. If this episode resonated with you, please take a second to rate and review the show—it helps more people find these conversations and this space. And as always: I'm just a channel. I ain't the source. If you'd like to support the podcast financially, you can follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524. Or you can head to clemenzwithaz.com and grab a sticker or something cool from the shop. Every little bit helps keep this going—and I'm so grateful for it. Until next time, stay honest, stay grounded, and keep growing. Peace.

In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I dig into the quiet, heavy weight so many of us carry: the pressure to be who we're supposed to be. From labels like “gifted” to the roles we're assigned in school, church, and family, I unpack how early expectations can shape our sense of worth—and how hard it is to break free from the “land of should.” I talk about the pressure to lead, to be the strong one, the good one, the faithful one—and what it means to start asking who am I, really? This episode is about healing, honesty, and slowly walking away from the roles we never chose. If you've ever felt like you're performing your life instead of living it, this one's for you. If this episode hit something in you—or if you've been carrying a story, a label, or a weight you're finally trying to lay down—I'd love to hear from you. You can reach me by email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. And if there's something you wish you could say out loud—something you've been sitting with but haven't found the space to share—I'd be honored to hold that space for you. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you'd like to support the podcast financially, you can follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524. Or you can head over to clemenzwithaz.com and grab a sticker or something cool from the shop. Every little bit helps keep this going, and I'm deeply grateful for it.

This was supposed to be the place. The place where I'd grow. Where I'd feel safe. Where God would feel close. But somewhere along the way, the church became something else—something heavier. In this episode, I reflect on how the desire for connection slowly got replaced by the pressure to conform… and how the church I was born into started to feel less like a community and more like something we worshipped. Not God—but the church itself. And the more I've looked around, the more I've realized: this isn't just a “my church” thing. This kind of idolatry—where we elevate the system, the brand, the building, the leaders—shows up in churches everywhere. This episode isn't about throwing the whole thing away. It's about telling the truth. Because when we start worshiping the place instead of seeking the Presence… We lose what the place was supposed to lead us toward in the first place. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can continue exploring the question, “We were in a cult? Or If this episode stirred something in you, if you've wrestled with what church has meant in your life, or if you just have a story you want to share, I'd love to hear from you. Whether you want to process something, reflect, or even come on the podcast—feel free to reach out. You can contact me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. If you're enjoying the show, please take a moment to rate and review—it really helps more people find these stories. And remember: I'm just a channel. I ain't the source. If you'd like to support the podcast financially, you can head over to clemenzwithaz.com and grab a sticker or something from the shop. Or, you can follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524. Every little bit helps keep this going, and I'm so grateful for it. Until next time—take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace.

In this episode of Clemenz With a "Z," I sit down with former member of the ICOC Greg to unpack the winding road that led him from a Catholic upbringing into the heart of the ICOC. Greg's story is one of spiritual searching, family dynamics, and the slow unraveling of certainty. With honesty and depth, he shares what it felt like to be swept up in a system that promised purpose—but delivered pressure. This conversation is part of our ongoing “We Were In a Cult?” series, and it's another raw, powerful reminder that healing begins with telling the truth. Whether you're deconstructing, recovering, or just curious, this episode is for you. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can continue exploring the question, “We were in a cult?”—and perhaps find some healing along the way. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you'd like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Also—if you'd like to support the podcast financially, you can head over to clemenzwithaz.com and grab a sticker or something cool from the shop. Every little bit helps keep this going, and I'm so grateful for it. Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

What happens when the place that was supposed to offer belonging, love, and healing becomes the very thing that teaches you to be small? In this episode of Clemenz With a "Z", I explore how my time in the ICOC—and the broader evangelical culture I grew up in—shaped the way I saw myself, God, and the meaning of worth. From the story of the Garden to the image of the Cross, I unpack how scripture and church culture taught me that I was broken at my core—and how that belief followed me into every part of my life. But I also talk about what happens when you start to question that story. When you realize it wasn't God who made you feel that way—it was people. This is an honest reflection on shame, self-erasure, and the journey toward a more freeing, more loving spirituality. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And remember: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you'd like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 or, you know, grab a sticker or maybe even a tank top (because apparently, every scene has merch)—you can head over to my new website:

n this episode, I share the story of attending two very different concerts in the same week—one a high-energy worship night with Phil Wickham, Kristian Stanfill, and Cody Carnes, the other a gritty, laid-back rock show by Pepper. On the surface, these shows couldn't have been more different... but as I stood in both spaces, coffee in hand at one and beer in hand at the other, I started noticing some surprising similarities. This episode isn't about bashing anything—it's about asking questions, noticing patterns, and exploring where the sacred can actually show up. Because maybe God isn't just behind the worship curtain—maybe He's in the pit, too. If any of this resonated with you, please take a second to like, subscribe, rate, or review the show— it helps more than you know, and it helps others find these conversations too. If you'd like to connect, you can reach out to me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or DM at the Clemenz With a "Z" instagram page.  If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 or If you'd like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 or, you know, grab a sticker or maybe even a tank top (because apparently, every scene has merch)—you can head over to my new website:

In this episode, I hit a wall—and I don't clean it up. I talk about what it feels like to be doing all the “right” things—therapy, journaling, movement, rest, reflection—and still feel like I'm falling apart. I wrestle with the chaos of life, the illusion of control, and that haunting thought: “Is this how it's always going to be?” Along the way, I reflect on a line from Living Buddha, Living Christ that shifted something in me: “It's not a matter of faith. It's a matter of practice.” This isn't an episode with answers. It's one with questions. The kind that stay with you long after you stop recording. If you've ever felt frustrated by the gap between your effort and your peace—this one's for you. As always, I'm not here to give you answers. I'm just here to ask the questions out loud— and maybe help you feel a little less alone in asking yours. If this resonated with you, please take a second to like, subscribe, rate, or review the show— it helps more than you know, and it helps others find these conversations too. If you'd like to connect, you can reach out to me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or DM at the Clemenz With a "Z" instagram page.  If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 or head over to www.clemenzwithaz.com and buy a sticker or something. Take care of yourself. Be gentle with what you're carrying. And I'll see you in the next one.

In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I open up about the fear-based faith I was raised in—specifically within the International Churches of Christ (ICOC)—and how it shaped my view of God, love, obedience, and myself. From childhood memories of fearing hell, to moments of spiritual panic, guilt, and manipulation, this episode is a raw unpacking of what happens when fear becomes the foundation of belief. But this isn't just about the ICOC. I'm seeing the same fear-based messaging alive and well in churches today—from pulpits to podcasts, just dressed up in nicer language and cooler branding. I talk about the day everything shifted—the moment I realized it wasn't God I was afraid of, but people's version of God. This is an episode about unlearning, about healing, and about daring to believe in a love that doesn't punish. Whether you've been part of the ICOC, another high-control church, or are just trying to untangle fear from faith, this one is for you. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. This one was personal. It was heavy. And it was necessary. If you've ever been made to feel like fear was love… Like obedience was the only way to be seen by God… I just want to say—you're not alone. This episode came out of my own story, but I know so many of you have lived through versions of this too. And if you've got something to say, if you've got a story of fear, faith, and figuring it out— I'd love to hear it. If you're a member, former member, or know someone connected to the ICOC or ICC, and you want to share what life was like inside—or outside— please reach out. Together, we're still asking the question: “Were we in a cult?” But more than that… we're doing the work to heal from it. You can email me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or DM me on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. And hey—if this episode moved you, if it helped you name something, or even made you feel less alone… please rate and review the show. It really does help these conversations reach the people who need them most. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!  

In this episode of Clemenz With a "Z," I sit down with Sachiko to hear her story of life inside—and eventually, outside—the International Churches of Christ. With honesty, warmth, and depth, Sachiko shares what it was like to grow up in a high-control religious environment, the internal battles she faced, and how she began reclaiming her voice after years of being told who she was supposed to be. This conversation is part of our “We Were in a Cult” series—an ongoing exploration of faith, fear, healing, and the long, complicated process of finding yourself again. Whether you're deconstructing, questioning, or just curious, Sachiko's story is one you won't want to miss. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. Your support means the world to me and helps keep these important conversations going. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can continue exploring the question, “We were in a cult?”—and perhaps find some healing along the way. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

What happens when everything you once believed starts to fall apart? In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I dive into the difference between cynicism and skepticism—and why one keeps you stuck while the other helps you move forward. I share my personal journey through faith deconstruction, religious trauma, and healing, drawing from Richard Rohr's Wisdom Pattern (Order → Disorder → Reorder) to explore how faith and life aren't meant to be static. Along the way, I reflect on how my lifelong struggle with ear infections and surgeries became a metaphor for my evolving faith, the risks I took to stay open, and why a growth mindset is essential for healing. Whether you've left a faith system, are questioning what you've been taught, or are just trying to figure out what's next, this episode is about keeping the door open to growth. Because faith isn't about having all the answers—it's about having the courage to keep moving. If this episode resonated with you, or if you've been wrestling with your own faith, healing, or the journey from Disorder to Reorder, I'd love to hear your thoughts. You can reach me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. And if you've ever felt like you had to stay in something just because that's what you were taught—whether it's faith, a belief system, or a way of thinking—I hope you walk away from this episode knowing that you are free to ask, to search, and to knock on new doors. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And remember: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time—stay open, keep asking, and keep walking. Peace!

Empathy and compassion should be the foundation of faith, right? So why are they suddenly treated like liabilities? In this episode, I break down the growing fear around "toxic empathy" and ask the bigger questions: Why are so many people—especially in religious spaces—acting like caring too much is dangerous? Why does faith seem to be turning into a fortress instead of a bridge? And if following Jesus is supposed to make us more compassionate, more willing to see the humanity in others, why is so much of modern faith rooted in fear and control instead? We'll dive into the parable of the Good Samaritan, unpack why Jesus made the most hated person the hero of the story, and ask—if he told this parable today, who would be the Samaritan? Immigrants? The LGBTQIA+ community? People from different faiths? And most importantly, if your faith is making you less willing to love, less willing to connect, and more focused on protecting yourself from the ‘wrong people'—then is it even faith at all? Buckle up for a deep, unfiltered conversation on what it really means to love your neighbor. If you've ever wrestled with questions about faith, about empathy, about what it really means to follow Jesus—I see you. These conversations aren't always easy, but they matter. And if this episode made you think, challenged you, or maybe even unsettled you a bit, I encourage you to sit with that. Wrestle with it. Ask yourself, Who is the Samaritan today? And what does that mean for me? If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can continue exploring the question, “We were in a cult?”—and perhaps find some healing along the way. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care of yourself, stay open, stay connected, and don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. Peace!

Purity culture wasn't just a set of rules—it was a full-blown system of fear, shame, and control that dictated everything from dating to what we wore to whether or not we could even think about smashing without disappointing God. In this episode, I take a deep dive into how purity culture shaped my childhood, warped my understanding of relationships, and made me legitimately believe I was going to hell for shucking the corn at 13. From forced confession sessions to the bizarre ways we were taught to see each other as “brothers and sisters in Christ,” this episode unpacks the weird, uncomfortable, and straight-up damaging ways the church tried to keep us "pure." But this isn't just about the past—purity culture's grip doesn't just disappear overnight. Even today, I catch myself fighting against the messages drilled into me as a kid, and I know I'm not the only one. Whether you grew up in this world or you're just here for the wild ride, this episode breaks down how purity culture ultimately benefits men, how it oversexualizes women, and how we can start to unlearn the shame we were never meant to carry. Buckle up—this one's a doozy. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. Your support means everything to me and helps keep these conversations going. Purity culture left so many of us with shame, guilt, and confusion—but talking about it? That's how we take our power back. If you were a part of the ICOC, ICC, or any high-control religious group and purity culture shaped your experience in ways you're still unpacking, I'd love to hear from you. You're not alone in this, and together, we can continue exploring the question, ‘We were in a cult?'—and maybe even start to heal from it. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. And if this episode resonated with you, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And remember: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care of yourself, trust your gut, and unlearn the shame you were never meant to carry.  Peace!"

"Everyone Wants the Lollipop" isn't just about church—it's about the deep human need for certainty, belonging, and reward. We all want to believe we're on the right path. We want to feel like we're doing life the right way. And when faith gives us a system, a structure, and a sweet little reward at the end? It's hard to walk away. In this episode, I dive into the church boom, the business of belief, and why we keep showing up—even when things don't feel quite right. So, does anyone even care? Or are we all just here for the lollipop? This episode wasn't about tearing down—it was about asking the hard questions. About looking at what we've believed, what we've built our lives around, and wondering: Does anyone even care? Maybe they do. Maybe they don't. But I know I do. And if you've made it this far, I'm guessing you do, too. If you're someone who's been in these churches, who has wrestled with these same questions, or just has a story to share, I'd love to hear from you. You can reach me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. And as always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

For the first time in the We Were In a Cult? series, I'm sitting down with a married couple who both experienced the pressures of purity culture, mission work, and the relentless push toward marriage inside the International Churches of Christ. In this episode, they share how dating was never about personal connection—it was about proving your spirituality and being deemed "worthy" to move forward. We dive into the concept of "weasel dates," the expectation to fast-track relationships toward marriage, and the exhaustion that came with constantly trying to meet the church's demands. From mission team burnout to the cult-like language of being "souled out," this conversation is a raw, unfiltered look at what happens when a church controls every aspect of your personal life—including who you love and when. Listen now to hear their powerful story. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or the ICC and would like to share your story of your life in and out of the church and help us maybe get closer to answering the question "we were in a cult?", and maybe find some healing please contact me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or you can DM via Instagram at the "Clemenz With a "Z" podcast" Instagram page.  As always, thank you for your continued support and if you like what you hear please rate and review!  If you don't remember, I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

For generations, fathers were expected to provide, protect, and keep their emotions in check. Love was often shown, but rarely spoken. But does it have to be that way? In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, we dive into the generational expectations of fatherhood, the unspoken rules around masculinity, and why words—especially words like "I love you"—carry more weight than we realize. I share personal stories, explore the impact of silence, and unpack how simple words can change everything. We'll talk about why dads often find it easier to express love to their daughters than their sons, and how cultural norms have shaped the way men navigate emotional connection. But this isn't just about reflection—it's about action. I'll offer practical ways for dads to start breaking the cycle, to show up differently, and to create a new legacy where love isn't just assumed, but heard. Because love ain't gonna say itself.

Leaving isn't always a clean break—sometimes, it takes a few tries. In this deeply personal episode of Clemenz With a Z, I share my journey of walking away from the ICOC... three times. From the pressure-packed Bible studies to the weight of guilt, shame, and trying to fit into a mold that never felt like me, this is the story of what it took to finally say enough. I talk about the fear of leaving, the hope that maybe things would change, and how stepping away felt like wandering into the wilderness—terrifying, but ultimately freeing. Whether you've wrestled with leaving a community, questioned your place in something you thought would be home, or just want to hear an honest journey of self-discovery, this episode is for you. Sometimes walking away isn't quitting—it's the start of something real. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was part of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your journey in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can keep exploring that question, “We were in a cult?”—and maybe, in sharing these stories, we'll find some healing along the way. You can reach me at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. If this episode spoke to you, please consider leaving a rating or review—it really does help more people find these conversations. And don't forget: I'm just a channel—I ain't the source. When did worship music start to feel more like a concert than a connection? In this episode of Clemenz With a "Z," I dig into the weird, wild world of modern worship and Christian music—where flashing lights, fog machines, and booming bass lines often take center stage. I'm not here to tell you what's right or wrong—I don't have the answers. I just know something about it makes me uncomfortable, and I wanted to talk about it. From childhood memories of reverent hymns led by my dad to walking into churches that look more like concert arenas, I'm exploring how we got here... and what it supposed to be. Tune in, sit with the questions, and maybe even laugh a little as we unpack the line between heartfelt praise and full-blown production. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. Your support means the world to me and helps keep these important conversations going. If this episode resonated with you, challenged you, or just made you think differently about worship and Christian music, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Conversations like these aren't about being ‘right'—they're about being honest. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. If you enjoy the podcast, please consider rating and reviewing—it helps more people find these stories and join the conversation. And remember: I'm just a channel... I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Walking away can be scary. Trusting yourself can be terrifying. But it can also be the beginning of something honest. So until next time—take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace.

When did worship music start to feel more like a concert than a connection? In this episode of Clemenz With a "Z," I dig into the weird, wild world of modern worship and Christian music—where flashing lights, fog machines, and booming bass lines often take center stage. I'm not here to tell you what's right or wrong—I don't have the answers. I just know something about it makes me uncomfortable, and I wanted to talk about it. From childhood memories of reverent hymns led by my dad to walking into churches that look more like concert arenas, I'm exploring how we got here... and what it supposed to be. Tune in, sit with the questions, and maybe even laugh a little as we unpack the line between heartfelt praise and full-blown production. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. Your support means the world to me and helps keep these important conversations going. If this episode resonated with you, challenged you, or just made you think differently about worship and Christian music, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Conversations like these aren't about being ‘right'—they're about being honest. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. If you enjoy the podcast, please consider rating and reviewing—it helps more people find these stories and join the conversation. And remember: I'm just a channel... I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Every bit helps me keep bringing you these conversations. Until next time—take care of yourself, be kind to your story, and keep asking the hard questions. Peace.

After everything I have heard, after recounting my own life and the lives of others, I can finally say it—yes, this was and is a cult. It's hard to say, and for some, it's hard to hear. But naming it gives me power over it. It makes healing possible. This is just the beginning. In Clemenz With a Z, I will continue unpacking my experiences in the ICOC through a new series of episodes titled This Was Supposed to Be the Place. In these, I'll dive deep into purity culture, fear-based control, and the lasting impact on identity, faith, and trust. If you have a story to share, I'd love to hear from you. You're not alone. Let's keep this conversation going. I reference Steve Hassan's BITE model in this episode.  If you would like to learn more, you can check out a couple of his books here: https://a.co/d/5RQ3Vbl or here: https://a.co/d/7kFVPXs Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. Your support means the world to me and helps keep these important conversations going. I know that for some, this was hard to hear. It was hard to say. But the truth matters, and naming our experiences matters. Healing doesn't happen overnight, and it doesn't happen alone. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can continue exploring the question, “We were in a cult?”—and perhaps find some healing along the way. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care of yourself, be kind to your story, and keep growing. Peace!

Was I in a cult? That's the question I'm exploring in this episode of Clemenz With a 'Z', but this time, I'm not answering it alone. For this conversation, I'm sitting down with someone who has had a front-row seat to my entire journey—my wife, Carly. Unlike me, Carly didn't grow up in a high-control religious group. She never had to question whether leaving a church meant leaving God. But she did witness me navigate that journey. In this episode, we talk about those first couple of years in our relationship—when I was fresh out of the ICOC, still carrying the weight of my past, still sorting through what I believed, and still surrounded by friends who were very much still in the church. Beyond my own story, we also discuss the role that partners play in supporting their loved ones through deconstruction, healing, and rebuilding a life outside of a controlling religious group. Carly's perspective as someone who wasn't indoctrinated but walked alongside me as I untangled my beliefs adds a whole new layer to the conversation. What does it look like to be there for someone without fully understanding what they've been through? How can partners provide space, validation, and support while also maintaining their own perspectives? What was it like for Carly to watch me process all of this in real time? What did she notice that I couldn't see for myself? And from her perspective… was I in a cult? Let's talk about it. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. Your support means the world to me and helps keep these important conversations going. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or ICC and would like to share your story about life in and out of the church, I'd love to hear from you. Together, we can continue exploring the question, “We were in a cult?”—and perhaps find some healing along the way. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. As always, if you enjoy the podcast, please rate and review—it helps more people find these stories. And don't forget: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

For most of my life, I believed I was a calm person—until a therapist told me otherwise. This episode is about my journey with anger: from growing up in an environment where anger was seen as a sin, to suppressing it until it exploded, to finally learning how to sit with it, listen to it, and find healthier outlets. I talk about childhood, therapy, teaching boys about emotional space, and the things that help me process anger today—whether it's working out, cold plunges, or mosh pits. If you've ever struggled with anger or felt like you weren't allowed to express it, this episode is for you. Maybe anger isn't the enemy. Maybe it just wants to be heard. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. Your support means the world to me and helps keep these important conversations going. If this episode resonated with you, if you've wrestled with anger, or if you've found your own way to navigate it, I'd love to hear from you. You can reach me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com, or send me a DM on Instagram at the Clemenz With a Z podcast page. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review—it really helps more people find these stories and be part of this journey. And remember: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care of yourself, take care of your emotions—anger included—and keep growing. Peace!

In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I dive into the powerful metaphor of glass and rubber balls to explore how we prioritize what matters most in life. I share personal reflections on how my passion for teaching, rigid routines, and inability to say “NO” left my family as the forgotten rubber balls—when they should have been my top priorities. Through hard conversations, emotional wake-up calls, and the painful realization that I was spreading myself too thin, I learned that intentionality and honest reflection are key to protecting the fragile, irreplaceable parts of life. Join me as we discuss how to identify your own glass balls, reframe “NO” as a tool for protection, and continuously realign your life with what you truly value. Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. Your support means the world to me and helps keep these important conversations going. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review—it really helps more people find these stories and be part of this journey. And remember: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you'd like to support the podcast financially, you can find the link to my GoFundMe in the show notes or on the Clemenz With a Z Instagram page. Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

Gratitude isn't always easy, and it's definitely not always obvious. Life moves fast, responsibilities pile up, and before we know it, we forget the small miracles holding us up every day. In this episode of Clemenz With a Z, I reflect on a poem by James A. Pearson (The Wilderness That Bears Your Name) that reminded me to pause and see what's been there all along: the rising sun, the steady ground beneath my feet, and the strength we gain when we let ourselves be held by life's quiet gifts. Join me as I explore what it means to slow down, stay grateful, and find light even when the world feels overwhelming Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Clemenz With a Z. Your support means the world to me and helps keep these important conversations going. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review—it really helps more people find these stories and be part of this journey. And remember: I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you liked the poem I read today, it's by James A. Pearson and comes from the book The Wilderness That Bears Your Name.  If you would like to purchase it, here's a link: https://a.co/d/2nF8Djr If you'd like to support the podcast financially, you can find the link to my GoFundMe in the show notes or on the Clemenz With a Z Instagram page. Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

In this latest episode of Clemenz With a "Z":  "Black Coffee, Camo Bibles, and Sissy Sticks: Faith, Fragile Manhood, and the Things That Shouldn't Matter", I dive into the unspoken (and often ridiculous) rules about masculinity that churches and culture push on men. From black coffee and camo Bibles to the fear of looking "soft," I explore how these narrow definitions shape our identities and why they fall apart under real scrutiny. Through personal stories, faith, and a search for a fuller, healthier masculinity, this episode challenges what it really means to be a man—and asks: what if we let go of the performance and embraced something real? As always, thank you for your continued support and if you like what you hear please rate and review!  If you don't remember, I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

In this latest episode of Clemenz With a "Z", part of our ongoing We Were In a Cult? series, we sit down with Ann to explore her remarkable story. Born in Northern China and later moving to Singapore, Ann's path eventually led her to the ICOC, a church she believed would offer community and purpose but instead brought manipulation and control. Through courage and vulnerability, Ann shares the emotional and spiritual journey of her life within the ICOC and the pivotal moments that helped her break free. This conversation is a powerful reminder of the resilience of the human spirit and the importance of finding your voice. Whether you're seeking understanding, connection, or healing, Ann's story will leave a lasting impression. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or the ICC and would like to share your story of your life in and out of the church and help us maybe get closer to answering the question "we were in a cult?", and maybe find some healing please contact me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or you can DM via Instagram at the "Clemenz With a "Z" podcast" Instagram page.  As always, thank you for your continued support and if you like what you hear please rate and review!  If you don't remember, I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

In this episode of Clemenz With a 'Z', I dive into a subject that sparks heated discussions and deep reflections: the relationship between churches and money. From the high production value of Sunday services to the tax-exempt status that many churches enjoy, this episode peels back the layers to examine how finances influence the modern church experience. Drawing from my personal visits to various churches over the past year, I share insights and ask tough questions about how money shapes the way faith is practiced and presented. Tune in as we explore whether these financial practices uplift communities—or cross ethical boundaries. As always, thank you for your continued support and if you like what you hear please rate and review!  If you don't remember, I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!

In the latest episode of Clemenz With a Z, we continue our series, We Were in a Cult?, with a deeply personal and eye-opening conversation featuring Liz, a former member of the International Church of Christ (ICOC). Liz shares her journey of being drawn into the church as a college student and the lasting impact it had on her life. This episode delves into the ICOC's influence on marriage dynamics, including rigid roles and expectations that shaped her relationships and personal growth. With honesty and resilience, Liz reflects on her path to healing and self-discovery after leaving the church. Tune in for a compelling exploration of faith, control, and the courage it takes to reclaim your identity. If you are a member, were a member, or know someone who was a member of the ICOC or the ICC and would like to share your story of your life in and out of the church and help us maybe get closer to answering the question "we were in a cult?", and maybe find some healing please contact me via email at clemenzwithaz@gmail.com or you can DM via Instagram at the "Clemenz With a "Z" podcast" Instagram page.  As always, thank you for your continued support and if you like what you hear please rate and review!  If you don't remember, I'm just a channel, I ain't the source. If you would like to support the podcast financially please follow this link: https://gofund.me/7ebb0524 Until next time, take care, stay grateful, and keep growing. Peace!