This Week in Despair with Peter-john Byrnes

The show rediscovered the mission statement inherent in its title this week, as the 2016 Presidential election came to a close with a twist ending that no one expected, not even the candidates. Lisa Cohen and Cynthia Kaplan join me to sort through our shock, provide irresponsible speculation as to what the heck happened, and to trash Florida, because we're still elitist. Nudist libertarians are discussed. Breaking terrible news to one's children is a topic. Plus: Snake Island!

On this Very Special Episode, I am pleased to welcome Trace Beaulieu, the man who was both Dr. Forrester and Crow on the beloved television series Mystery Science Theater 3000. This poor man gets dragged into our usual nonsense about the Panama Papers, black lesbians from Skokie, and a planet that is supposed to destroy the Earth next month, but we also manage to talk about Manos: The Hands of Fate and his latest project, touring the country with Frank Conniff doing the live show The Mads Are Back. It's a very nice conversation with a lovely man. 

In the middle of a week of sub-zero temperatures, Mike Lawrence came through Chicago and sat down with Stephanie Hasz to talk about Chris Christie and Bridge-gate and a man who hasn't bathed in 60 years, but then we mostly ended up talking about television shows. A story about Cormac McCarthy's ex-wife descends into a series of vagina-themed jokes. Mike and Stephanie argue about the merits of Star Trek. I trot out my Norm Abram impression from This Old House, and then we defame Full House. Also, Mike was dealing with a faulty microphone, which is why he sounds like he's reporting from inside a bathroom. This is a very silly episode.

It's Election Season, and the podcast goes on the road to report live from the Iowa Democratic Caucuses, and brought Tim Barnes and Cody Melcher along for sociological experimentation. Interviews with local Democratic party officials and a live segement from the caucus site in Dubuque are in the offing. Tim is baffled by The West Wing. Cody is anxious about his peer group. Also, making her debut on the podcast, my daughter, known only as The Vegetarian Teen. It doesn't get much more topical than this, kids.

David Bowie is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself. Joining me to discuss his legacy are Erik Niewiarowski and Kyle Scanlan, who also indulge me in a discussion of the upcoming election season, an update on the militia in Oregon and the care packages they've received, and Rupert Murdoch's upcoming marriage to Jerry Hall. Robot Sperm are discussed. We take note of Ted Cruz's campaign ad done in blackface. The breakroom at ISIS is discussed.

It was the week that a bunch of ill-prepared rancher militiamen took over a federal building and Oregon, and Reena Calm and Mary Zee were both there to help me make fun of them. Obama was accused of fake crying over gun deaths, when it really should have been Rahm Emanuel. A discussion of the racist Maine governor turns into Massachusetts-splaining on the subject of Dunkin' Donuts. George Lucas is disparaged.

It was the week of the protests and riots in Baltimore after the killing of yet another unarmed man by police, capping off a year of terrible misery. Joining me to explain why their black lives matter are Sonia Denis and Xavier Lamont, who talk about their own experiences, both of casual racism and the not-so-casual kind. Both Ben Carson and Barack Obama are included in the discussion, and oddly enough, OJ Simpson. I mostly keep quiet on this episode, because sometimes it's just best to listen.

It was a week during which in the wake of yet another gun massacre, President Obama got mad instead of sad, and America spent the week shouting at one another. Also, Volkswagen is poisoning the world, and UK Prime Minister David Cameron really likes pork, and even the possiblity of water on Mars doesn't lift the cloud. Luckily I have two of my favorite and most frequent guests, Bill Bullock and Stephanie Hasz, to help me get through it. Bill reveals his fear of Stephanie. Stephanie reveals her fear of space travel. They have a conversation about assault vs betrayal during which I just keep my mouth shut. This episode contains traces of Willie Nelson.

It's the week that Nelson Mandela died and Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson got fired, so as far as racism goes it was pretty much a draw. Jamie Campbell and Sherman Edwards join me to sort through it all, plus several stories about foreign objects being inserted into people for the purposes of art. Jamie waxes nostalgic about Robert Zemeckis films. Kolchak: The Night Stalker is explained. Plus the return of Moral Dilemmas!

In this live episode from The Hungry Brain, Adam Burke and Stephanie Hasz help me celebrate Thanksgiving by discussing Toronto mayor Rob Ford and abstinence education in Texas. The 50th anniversary of the Kennedy Assassination is handled in the show's usual tasteful manner. The panel reminisces about their own sexual eductation. Monkey birth control is also discussed.

It's the beginning of the charity season, and your host isn't feeling particularly chartiable. Returning veterans Cody Melcher, Alexandra Tsarpalas, and Dave Stinton are dragged into the cynical mire. Compassion fatigue and inefficient charities are discussed. A what-if scenario is discussed in which Mikhail Baryshnikov rules Russia instead of Vladimir Putin. We are collectively mean to a child with leukemia. All that, plus the horrifying dark side of Flipper!

Chicago has a new mass transit card, and it's terrible. Veteran despairer Chad Briggs joins newcomer and gigglepuss Goodrich Gevaart to discuss that horror, plus the nightmare of modern customer service. Edward Snowden's government theft is compared to that of Fat Lenny, who ripped off the Navy for millions. Poor people take it in the shorts again. And Chad unveils his newest character, Folksy South American Sheriff.

Regular guests Bill Bullock and Sonia Denis return to reveal their secret identities as Information Technology professionals for a discussion of Healthcare.gov, the failing Obamacare website. The NSA is also in the news as the discussion turns to privacy in the modern age or the lack thereof. Sonia will cut you before telling you if she's single or not. Bill puts his business out on the street. There's also a discussion of Girl Scout cookies as a gateway to lesbianism, and how open mic comedy causes us all to lose faith in humanity.  

Returning champions Stephanie Hasz and Katie McVay join me for a live episode that needed to have the monologue re-recorded due to technical difficulties. Racist NFL owners and bisexual Disney princesses are in the news, plus menstruating t-shirts make an appearance. Katie knows things about football. Stephanie has an unusual crush on an animated character. Katie and Stephanie disagree about boycotting terrible companies, but unite in their belief in ghosts against me. I don't really have much control over this episode.

In previous episodes, my sisters have ruined Christmas, and Memorial Day. Now they ruin a funeral. This episode was recorded after attending the funeral of a close family member, and my sisters help produce an episode where the humor is as black as pitch. It's the full set of Kubler-Ross stages, it's the laugh that catches in your throat, it's the tears which might be of laughter or pain. It's This Week in Despair. This episode also contains a tribute to our fallen comrade and former guest, the late Dan Ronan. 

It's our first-ever three-guest show! Seattle comic Derek Sheen is in town to join stalwart regulars Andy Fleming and Jason Earl Folks on a week where the government has been shut down, giant Chinese wasps fill the air, lizard people roam the streets undetected, and local restaurants are serving blasphemy on a bun, so the show is even more apocalyptic than usual. We learn what American voters believe. Killer bees make a comeback. Jason would prefer to fight a bear. And the latest Bigfoot news, of course. 

Fellow comedy dads, über-nerds, and loud laughers Matt Drufke and Joe Herrmann join me on a week where Ted Cruz redefines a waste of time on the floor of the Senate. Pregnant priests, warp drive, and the deliciousness of babies all get discussed. We get nostalgic for how Rodney King was merely beaten. What would Jesus do? Probably not cut the food stamp program. Joe gets horrible parenting advice. It's our first episode with an Easter Egg!

Adam Burke and Stephanie Hasz are my two most frequent guests, but they've never appeared together on an episode...until now. On this special LIVE episode from Chicago's Hungry Brain, we have to sort through the wreckage of yet another gun massacre, plus the Costa Concordia makes a surprise return appearance. Espionage figures are discussed, including an Egyptian stork and Jackson Pollock. Hawai'ian names are pronouced. Clowns are disparaged.

Our 50th episode is also one of our most entertaining. First-time guest Nathan Rabin and long-time regular guest Stephanie Hasz join me for a discussion about Miss America, Juggalos, and Vladimir Putin. Our historical relationship with Russia is explained thorugh the filter of Rocky IV and Hawaii Five-O. Tattoos are shared. Speaking ill of the dead is approved of by all guests, and then exemplified by an extended trashing of the works of Michael Crichton. Nathan and I try to out-do one another on obscure 1980s film references, and go deep into the weeds. Stephanie is patient.

We recorded this episode on September 11th, which is like Christmas for despair fetishists. Will Miles and Liza Treyger join in my nostalgia for terrible things, as George Zimmerman popping up in the news gives us an opportunity to review the Trayvon Martin case, and an analysis of Syria and Rwandan genocide somehow turns into a discussion of Sex and the City. Will and Liza explain OKCupid to me. Will reveals his family's UFO abduction past. Liza reviews her preferences in flowers. I conclude the episode by explaining the BDSM themes in early Wonder Woman comics while attempting to not sound like a total creep, and fail completely.

On our very first ever live episode, delivered to a largely indifferent coffeeshop audience at the Out of Bounds Comedy Festival, we're joined by one of the guests on our very first episode, James Fritz, because sometimes you want a friend when you go skydiving without a parachute. He's joined by the Bard of Nebraska, Zach Peterson, as we run through the week's news, which includes marijuana legalization, NFL concussions, and Syrian diplomacy, only two of which involve brain-damaged people. James plays Carnac the Magnificent with the musical segues. Zach is in need of an aspirin. We had a lot of fun.

It was a week where reporters threatened to murder whistleblowers and a racist rodeo clown was the toast of FOX News, so what better week to go visit Austin, Texas? Recorded during the Out of Bounds Festival, this episode features two of Austin's finest, Ralph Hardesty and star of stage and screen Kerri Lendo. Kerri is not opposed to sending SWAT teams after hippies. Ralph shares his secret shame regarding Miley Cyrus. I suggest that a disgraced cop kill himself. VC Andrews makes a strong showing near the end. I think the heat got to us.

It's a week when there's a new Royal Baby and a new panelist on The View, so first-time guest Charlie Rohrer is joined by the canny veteran Sonia Denis to help sort it all out. Charlie doesn't like babies. Sonia doesn't like anyone. Genital-hungry Israeli snakes, Jenny McCarthy and other horrible creatures make an appearance. Sonia reveals her new hit song for next summer, and takes us to the bleakest subject matter we've ever had on the show!

On the week where the Defense of Marriage Act was struck down, we convene a demographically-accurate all-gay Texan panel of frequent guests Ever Mainard and Cody Melcher, who discuss Rick Perry, Playboy bunny art installations, and how it feels to win one for a change. Ever and Cody perform their "gas station voices." Racist Disney films are discussed. Cody and I debate the end of Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Ever reveals the true identity of her father at the end, making this the Empire Strikes Back episode.

Regular panelists Sonia Denis and Andy Fleming are back for a very strange episode in which a discussion of Paula Deen and Rupert Murdoch is delayed so I can explain the plot of Last Tango in Paris and give a brief history of sexual lubricant. Other topics include eyeball licking and breast-milk-flavored lollipops, both of which will haunt your nightmares forever.

From the heart of Bloomington IN, Drew Frees and Stewart Huff join me for our first remote recording, made during the Limestone Comedy Festival. It's a episode in which the difficulty of major social change is discussed in the wake of the NSA scandal, and how the poor are well and truly screwed in this country. We also talk about bare boobs in New York City, so there's something for everyone. Well, maybe not for rich straight women.

My sisters previously ruined Christmas, and now they're back to ruin another holiday. Memorial Day usually means cookouts, and on this food-themed show we discuss marijuana-infused bacon, insect-based protein, and how everything gives you cancer. Suzanne makes a brave stand against poisioning one's family. Pepperoni pervert perpetrators make an appearance. My sisters salute our Presidents on Memorial Day with a series of graphic sexual references. They're terrible people.

The co-hosts of the delightful podcast Tomefoolery, Cody Melcher and Ranjit Souri, don their tinfoil hats and join me on a trip down the rabbit hole, as the news this week leads us to a series of conspiracy theories. The IRS scandal and Benghazi are given their due, but also the theory that tornadoes in Oklahoma are created by the White House to distract us from their crimes. We discuss sexy Tasmanian ghosts, and devils. Cody unveils his funeral plans.

This week, Steve Walker and Brian Wille join me for a discussion of bodily horrors, with multiple stories of terrible things being inserted or excreted from a cornucopia of orifices. The revenge of bees, and the 3-D printing of guns also come in for scrutiny. I am accused of working for the NSA. Bad parenting decisions come in for review. Brian is called upon to represent all of Central and South America. No diapers were soiled in the making of this episode.

Sometimes the peril of doing a topical show is that you end up processing tragedy in real-time. When my guest Joel Ingersoll agreed to do the show months in advance on a trip through Chicago, he had no idea that he'd be talking about the bombing at the Boston Marathon, which happened just days before we recorded. The result is a conversation that's sometimes sober, sometimes funny, but never dull. We spend a surprising amount of time talking about baseball. The recently-dead Margaret Thatcher is spoken ill of. The actress Jeri Ryan is praised for her political impact. I discover the existence of a Minnesota foodstuff with an ethnic slur in its name.

Frequent guests and good-but-not-great friends Andy Fleming and Stephanie Hasz have never appeared together on the show, and their pairing results in  utter insanity. The sexiness of Elizabeth Warren is discussed. Bob Woodward is explained and defamed again. Sex is Zimbabwe is revealed to be dangerous. Stephanie shares her top sexual fantasy over a multi-year period. Andy reveals a shameful Star Wars secret in his past. My guests share their encyclopedic knowledge of statutory rape laws in multiple states. I hide under the desk for much of this episode.

Our first-ever star-spangled all-Texas panel of Chad Briggs and Cody Melcher demonstrate just what a wide demographic diversity that state really has. It's a week where horsemeat and beauty-pageant show ponies were in the news, as well as the animals behind Girls Gone Wild. Chad and I try once more to discuss our sexual obsession with Debra Winger and Urban Cowboy, but are once again stymied as the conversation turns to Paul Lynde. The sequester and Bradley Manning somehow get worked in there as well. The show also takes a remarkably dark turn regarding new information about German concentration camps. Just another light-hearted day at the office.

The very entertaining and thoughtful pair of Bill Cruz and Sean White join me to discuss papal conspiracy theories, historically-significant pornography collections of the non-Vatican variety, and sacred jelly. Sean and Bill educate me on TSA security holes. Racist math problems are examined. Bill is a rule-stickler where popes are concerned. Our game of Moral Dilemmas gets very heated over the ethical lessons of Star Trek. We learn yet another reason why one should never live in Las Vegas. It's all very educational.

On a week where the United States government announced it had the right to kill its citizens without trial if they are considered an imminent threat, returning guests Maggie Ednie and Mike Ortiz are very patient with me as I rail about government overreach and sing the praises of the US Postal System. Mike outlines his design for a whale factory farm. Maggie manages to insult all of Asia. I tell stories about stripper tricks that I've never seen, plus we have our usual wrap-up of pornography and bestiality stories. It's a show likely to cause an international incident.

On a week where North Korea dominated the news, Alexandra Tsarpalas and Mike Wiley come to discuss Pacific Rim geopolitics and the Benghazi hearings, but stay for the more serious matters of unauthorized silicone butt injections in Miami, and "Flamy," the ill-conceived Brazilian hospital mascot for child burn victims. I explain the plot of the 80s classic Red Dawn to my guests. Alexandra is fascinated with Faces of Meth. Amy Poehler's teeth are judged.

Meredith Kachel and Joe McAdam join me for a particularly free-wheeling episode, where everything from Iranian Space Monkeys to Bedbugs to Hitler's fabled Lost Toilet were in the news. The NRA compiles a ilst of enemies that sounds like a sad Hollywood Squares cast list. A discussion of poisonous vaginas lead to a bad Peter Falk impression. Meredith reminds me why I don't ask my guests questions about their personal lives. Tony Danza is disparaged. Pam Dawber is explained. You'll never watch Sesame Street the same way again.

Regular guest Adam Burke returns, this time accompanied by his brother Jim, for an off-beat episode with an international flair, wherein we sit around and tell stories of travel and journeys. Adam and Jim talk about their early years in Australia, and summer holidays in Spain. Jim has a tale of getting in touch with his inner colonialist in Morocco. Adam explains how he came to live in Dallas. I tell a story about helping to build an online casino in Costa Rica. We all have a grim ferry tale to share.

It's a week when Notre Dame football is in the news, so who better to bring on the show than Naked Sports Live Host Megan Gailey, and Notre Dame alum Bill Bullock? This marks the first time on the show that I know the least about the subject at hand. We all share on this episode. Bill tells us what it's like to be an African-American student at Notre Dame. Megan tells us about waxing trends among the 20-something generation. I explain to my guests about John Hinckley and Jodie Foster. We all come together to be mean to Lance Armstrong.

My sisters, Jessica and Suzanne, are my guests this episode with the intention of sharing Christmas memories from our childhood and adulthood, but instead reveal themselves to be horrible, horrible people. Grandmothers are mocked. Nutloaf is discussed. A story is told of enemas purchased in advance of a funeral. All manner of bodily excretions are brought to light. Jane Goodall is disparaged. Mother Teresa is slandered. This is officially the Worst Christmas Episode Ever. It might ruin all future Christmases. Consider this before listening.

One of our favorite regular guests, Adam Burke, is joined by newcomer Kenny DeForest to help with a recap of 2012. Adam and Kenny share their love of Gangham Style. Fan-favorite subjects Bigfoot and The Girl with the Anal Tattoo make return appearances. Kenny gives his plans for introducing world harmony. Adam unveils his new character, Racist Helen Keller. It's all very tasteful and elegant.

Never has our show's title been more appropriate as on this episode, recorded the day after the Sandy Hook Elementary School gun massacre. Andy Fleming and Emily Lake endure the blast of the angriest opening monologue ever recorded on the show, then help me dissect the arguments that allow these events to happen. And then the episode takes a bizarre and clearly self-medicating detour into Smut Town, as we abandon our contemplation of these horrible events by compulsively telling funny sex jokes. The jokes catch in the throat, and the laughter's on the edge of tears. It's the most Freudian episode so far, and if you want documentary evidence of the therapeutic effect of laugher, this is the one for you. 

The first of two episodes where our gun culture is discussed, this episode was recorded immediately prior to the Sandy Hook massacre. Anthony McBrien and Nate Simmons join me for a conversation heavy with historic irony as we discuss the gun culture as it relates to the NFL, but also covers Katt Williams's reign of terror in Seattle, the Pope joining Twitter, and a surprising amount of personal hygiene habits. Anthony tells of his surreal experience watching Lincoln. Nate gives us his history of concussions. I mispronounce a name to the delight of my guests.

Hostess has filed for bankuptcy, Twinkie speculation is running rampant, and Stephanie Hasz and Danny Kallas join me to make sense of it all. On a very food-oriented episode, we cover Danny's love for Olive Garden, Stephanie's dislike of sweets, and my knowledge of kosher Dunkin' Donuts in the area. Stephanie quizzes me about my high school fashion choices, and reveals the only two books she was required to read in high school. Danny gives tips on eating for free. It's all very educational.

There was a Presidential election this week, but there were far more weightier matters at hand, like the premiere of a new James Bond movie. Ian Fleming expert Rachel Baron Singer and Ian Fleming novice Henry Birdseye III join me for an in-depth discussion of Bond movies past and present. Rachel and I debate the Best Theme Song, Best Title Sequence, and of course, who the best Bond is. Hint: not Roger Moore.

Drew Michael and I don't agree on much, politically, but we do agree that we like our periodic spirited discussions, and one another. He joins me for what turns out to be an audio version of My Dinner with Andre, with beastiality jokes. This Very Special Episode is being released deliberately with almost none of my usual editing, to avoid any temptation to tip the scales.

And sometimes, you just want to take a break from news and politics and talk about the movies with your friends. The utterly charming Rhea Butcher returns, accompanied by the no-less-charming Cameron Esposito, to talk about the recent DVD releases The Avengers, Prometheus, and The Dark Knight Rises. But we also range far and wide, discussing Thelma and Louise, Robocop, Basic Instinct, and Total Recall. Cameron defends Showgirls. Rhea and Cameron both describe hot background extra action in Cruising. Siskel and Ebert it ain't, folks.

Ted Alexandro and Adam Burke are in the studio with me for a surprisingly serious and considered discussion of what gets left out of our national political discourse. I make an argument for mob violence against Wall Street executives. Adam tells us about The Scottish Streaker. Ted explains how thorough the corruption is, and how difficult it is to escape. The show lives up to its title this time around.

My sister Jessica Byrnes makes a return appearance, accompanied by local man-about-town Brian Wille. The VP debate is quickly discussed and dismissed in favor of Lance Armstrong's testicle, a murder-castration in New York, and the linking of Laura Ingalls Wilder and Flowers in the Attic. Jessica won't stop talking about Danish penises. Mice are disparaged. Iowa is praised.

The dismal first Presidential Debate sends regular guest James Fritz and me into a spiral from which we self-medicate by discussing Texas spanking rules, horse sex, and Koren eunuchs. Maggie Ednie comes along for the ride and shares her disdain for media-baiting scientific studies. James reveals the name of his next podcast. Maggie reveals her favorite superhero. Our Finnish fanbase is repeatedly addressed. This is a very silly episode.

On this episode Andy Fleming and Natalie Jose join me for a particularly biological discussion. Boobs of the Hooters and Kate Middleton variety make an appearance, so to speak, and we wind up the episode sharing childbirth stories. My prostate makes a special guest appearance. Natalie details her unusual work history, and Andy pulls a surprise out of his backpack. Snakes are discussed at some length.

Ever Mainard joins me for a wide-ranging discussion which encompasses the Chicago teacher's strike, anti-Muslim YouTube videos, crime in the streets, and the evil of Frappucinos. Ever explains the aesthetics of decorative cow skulls. I'm generally cranky about things.