Movie Virgins

Man, that Jesse's a dick. But he does, indeed, have the ingredients. Here we speak on the legendary legend and cold reality of Jesse James. We've got strong feels that casting Brad Pitt (MO boy) as Jesse James (MO boy) was a good move. And we're loving Casey Affleck as Bob Ford. Furthermore, let us not overlook Casey's beautiful glass skin, my brothers and sisters. HIS SKIN. We hit on a few burning questions: Do they even make outlaws like they used to? Do you brush your teeth nekkid? A blumpkin in the privy?! Tangents include fun Hollywood couples, Chris Rock's orgasms, and vabbing. And…Snaturals(TM) are born!

All hail our favorite scream queen, Justin Long! We watched Zach Cregger's Barbarian, and it's a damn delight. We dive directly into the continuum of depravity, with detours through Nazi atrocities and Kevin Smith's Tusk. We talk STL vs Detroit via their Wikipedias. We offer some potentially incredible double-feature pairings with Barbarian & Love in the Villa and Schindler's List & Tusk. And we say unto ye: Man cannot live by titty milk alone.

Today we have for you Disney's latest IP regurge served with a generous helping of the tasty original-recipe masterpiece, 1993's Hocus Pocus. Make sure to pour one out for the days when witches were inhuman bitches without sloppily crafted backstories. And for dessert, try one of our delicious candy apples from Sandy's Candy Cauldron! After-dinner cigars and brandy come with a complimentary history of apple bobbing. Enjoy!

Harrison Ford vs Tommy Lee Jones vs Big Pharma! This iconic 90s action movie is so 90s with lots of 90s stuff (*cough* Sela Ward *cough*) happening. That said, is it just your basic white male fantasy about a husband who may or may not have killed his wife a la The Staircase? Tangents include Miles Teller, the truth about hair dye, the probability that Lindsey's dad fucked an alien (SPOILER ALERT: incredibly high odds), and what Tommy Lee must look like under those clothes.

Listen as Lindsey recalls her first encounter with the Predator at the tender age of six. Leah speaks of her experience with AVP, the union of two great franchises. We discuss the Predator as allegory for white man's manifest destiny and the rape of the natural world. And we ask: What are the rules of the Predator? Does the Predator fuck? (It definitely fucks.) Tangents include sexy aliens vs realistic aliens and our great expectations for sci-fi series and film. Full disclosure: We have worked with the Predator. Great dude. Struggles with the typing.

From the living room rug, Lindsey “Hand Banger” Schaefer and Leah “Lying Shit Mouth” Bross bring you Ocean's Eleven!* In this episode we ask: Is this remake of a classic a classic? Or is it just a popcorn movie dressed up real nice? Where do we stand on George Clooney: fuck-boy-dickhead or sexy Hollywood pig owner? (This is, of course, a very personal choice that every woman must make for herself.) Lindsey takes us way, way, way back with plenty of 90s TV refs, including Picket Fences, ER, and Sisters. And we have lots of thoughts about the love story in this film because what the ever-loving fuck?! This episode is dedicated to Ray Liotta and James Caan. We love them forever. *Leah “cheated” in the fog of winter and watched this movie. She didn't recall it until now because her memory is fuuuuuuuucked.

How do we love Mr. Eggers and his coming-of-age tales? Let us count the ways…. We're quite taken by the deliciously violent story of Amleth, as well as the kinda historically accurate portrayal of a flatulent Viking teen under the influence of psychedelics. We discuss the mystery of the butthole disk and the dream of an Eggers-Aster collab. And we debate the best use of period blood in a film. But really there are no bad uses of period blood. Ever. Alas, we were challenged by the pronunciations of most of the names in this film. Forgive us.

Welcome to another VERY SPECIAL EPISODE. And please excuse us while we have a moment…a Josh Brolin moment! We discuss this timeless story written by Cormac McCarthy, as told by the Coen brothers, and in which that dingus kid from Cheers makes good (until he doesn't). Tangents include Outer Range, baby Caleb Landry Jones, sociopaths, Danny McBride, and a brief appearance by a hilarious Letterboxd review that Lindsey doesn't understand.

We're so sad. We're so fucked up…about how little we know about sports betting. But we're really stoked about Adam Sandler's performance in this--hear us out--delightful little rom-com portraying the dangers of gambling addiction. We would die for that Furby! And we're kinda obsessed with Julia Fox the podcaster. Extreme Julia Fox voice: I mean, Lindsey was Leah's muse for this episode about Uncah Jahms.

Give us the dex! So…why are we here? We're here because of Lindsey's weird obsession with this too-long Y2K action flick about summiting K2. Lindsey explores her mountain-climbing dreams; Leah explores her dreams of climbing Chris O'Donnell. And then, much like in the movie, there's lots of heavy breathing and absolutely zero sex. Because, unfortunately for all of us, there's no sex in the death zone.

We're back, baby! And we have for you, dear listener, a VERY SPECIAL EPISODE because we watched Morbius. And wow. Just wow. Lindsey breaks down the science behind this humdinger of a Marvel-vampire (?) flick. Leah has a few things to say about Jordan Catalano's 50-year-old bod (hubba, hubba). And we have so very many questions about the rules: the rules of vampires, the rules of bats, and in particular, the rules of this movie. So, take a listen. The power of the bat compels you!

We're one year into the pandy, and this is what breaks Lindsey: Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers. (Fact: This is Tarantino's fave film from 2013. Also fact: Tarantino has a dick.) Is it a love story? Is it a tragedy? Either way, Leah found it to be beautiful Shakespearean chaos and Lindsey found it to be trash. Tangents include stoner party rules, the truth about critics, Dave Franco vs James Franco, and stickup methodologies. Sprang break, forevah.

In this VERY SPECIAL EPISODE, we describe our first encounters with a film that is a mix of fiction and documentary fact. While that can be a bit off-putting, it doesn't much detract from the beauty and meaningfulness of Chloe Zhao's Nomadland. The lifestyles and people portrayed in this film are quite different from our understanding of #vanlife as depicted by millennial influencers. This is the story of a seemingly forgotten generation, a story of community lost and found, that spans the sublime and dangerous American West.   Mentioned in this episode: "Nomadland is a real human story that's not over yet" by Adrienne Westenfeld https://www.esquire.com/entertainment/movies/a35538486/nomadland-fern-true-story-jessica-bruder-linda-bob-swankie-now/ Tails of Wanderlust blog https://tailsofwanderlust.com/

Keanu and Winona are together again in this delightful film about a joyless turd and a neurotic spinster finding love at a destination wedding. Full of witty dialogue and biting humor, the film turns all our favorite rom-com tropes into laugh-out-loud moments, including a sex scene that makes the Movie Virgins' top three (just behind Border and The Bronze). Leah defends Keanu's acting abilities, and Lindsey recalls Winona's best performances. Tangents include Dane Cook, spending money to fill the void, the optics of screw-top wine, and our top quarantine shows (ie, what's getting us through) after almost a year of this shit.

Welcome to our first ESKIMO SISTERS episode, wherein we discuss our shared carnal knowledge of a film that we both have…experienced. Our first go-round is with Bridesmaids, a movie we have adored for nearly a decade. We talk about why we love the film so much: Melissa McCarthy's breakout performance, the realistic portrayal of female friendships, and how the coming-of-age story of a 30-something woman really resonated with us. We also dig into how this compares to The Hangover, as well as whether women can be both desirable and raunchy. Tangents include Jon Hamm as a character actor, the way to Lindsey's heart, and our worst cases of food poisoning. Lastly, we answer this burning question: Do people change or do they stay the same?

Less Than Zero, based Bret Easton Ellis' first novel, is a perfect encapsulation of 80s disaffected youth and the LA party scene. Robert Downey Jr.'s portrayal of a drug addict is impressive, but it can't save the film from Andrew McCarthy's milquetoast leading man and the objectively terrible ending. For the record, Tawny Kitaen is not in this movie, but Jami Gertz is. And James Spader does his 80s villain thing. Tangents include Tom Cruise's MI7 COVID rant, incestuous friend groups, PEN15, Grand Army, and appropriate sleepwear.

Spoilers abound in this VERY SPECIAL EPISODE where we travel back in time - back to the 80s - to discuss our initial reactions to Wonder Woman 1984. And guess what? We didn't hate it. But it did give us a lot of things to think on: the varied portrayals of female and male superheroes, the unfortunate treatment of Kristen Wiig's Barbara Minerva/Cheetah, Wonder Woman's origins, Chris motherfuckin' Pine, and Wonder Woman's wardrobe. Tangents include: how the hell to pronounce Gal Gadot's last name, great hair days of our pasts, Teen Mom 2, and watching from home vs watching in the theater.

Fuck me, Santa! Lindsey and Leah share their feelings, fears, and Santa fetishes while they dish on 2003's Bad Santa. Billy Bob Thornton's Golden Globe-nominated performance as a career criminal mall Santa is peppered with so many delicious and dastardly moments. We've also got lots of love for Tony Cox, Bernie Mac, and John Ritter. Tangents include Lindsey's hate for youths and West County moms, best places to retire from a life of crime, mall Santa stories, favorite Christmas movies, and Fraggle stick car.

Leah introduces Lindsey to Ang Lee's pastoral masterpiece Sense and Sensibility. Emma Thompson's Oscar-winning screenplay is based on Jane Austen's novel of the same name, so there's some discussion of Austen and the Austen hive. But of course, we turn our attentions to the great question asked by this film: Is it better to involve oneself in polite affections or to be consumed by fiery love affairs? Furthermore, Hugh Grant has never looked better, that bitch of a cunt of a bitch Fanny is a wonderful villain, and Alan Rickman's Colonel Brandon makes Willoughby look like a chump. Lastly, if you take anything away from this episode, let it be that piracy is our only option.

The Lisbon sisters are a mysterious mystery to all the boys. Their parents are so strict! The youngest killed herself! And…they menstruate! Real talk: These girls are head-to-toe basic, from their messy bedrooms to their homemade prom dresses. Quiet, introspective Cecilia was the only one in the bunch worth a second look. Unfortunately, she's dead, and the others will follow suit like a bunch of lemmings over a cliff. Tangents include: first date stories, Sofia Coppola beefs, Kirsten Dunst beefs, and Josh Harnett's moley mole. *Tripp Fontaine whisper voice* You're a stone fox.

Jodie Foster offers up some good old-fashioned family drama (trauma?) in her 90s Thanksgiving masterpiece Home for the Holidays, starring Holly Hunter, Robert Downey Jr., and Anne Bancroft. Oh, and there's a little Dylan McDermott romance shoved in there for funzies. Tangents include nostalgia for pre-9/11 airports, RDJ's drug problem, the believability of Tom Cruise in any role, and a few deep dark family secrets of our own.

The undead are roaming the streets, but fear not! Shaun has the perfect plan, and it ends with a nice cold pint at the Winchester. Leah and Lindsey dive into Edgar Wright's 2004 horror-comedy Shaun of the Dead, starring Simon Pegg as the bumbling hero and Nick Frost as his obnoxious but lovable best friend. It's zed-word, zed-word, zed-word, along with a few tangents: Steve Buscemi, Coldplay vs Papa Roach, Lindsey yelling at the youths of the world to get off her metaphorical lawn, and the problematic bad boy trope. And hey, you've got red on you.

Feed me, Seymour! Feed me! Lindsey introduced Leah to 80s horror-comedy-musical Little Shop of Horrors, which stars the incomparable Rick Moranis. And it was a delight! Aside from dissecting Seymour's motivations, what's aged well in this film, and if you can show this to your kids, we also cover: casting the reboot (because we're getting a fucking reboot, people), that moment in every musical where Leah loses interest, Lindsey's odd hobbies/talents, ping pong shows, queefing, and the best part of Pearl Harbor. And there may be some singing a la Rick Moranis in Parenthood.

Welcome to another VERY SPECIAL EPISODE! Ghost stories, tragic love, creepy British children, and late 80s fashion. The Haunting of Bly Manor is perfectly splendid! Lindsey and Leah binged all 9 episodes of this Netflix series, and there was a lot to discuss: Bly Manor vs Hill House (spoilers for Hill House abound), the rules of ghosts (there ARE rules), T'Nia Miller's incredible performance, Leah's preoccupation with how Oliver Jackson-Cohen smells, Lindsey's beef with Victoria Pedretti's Dani, and all the loose ends that may (or may not) have needed tidying.

Join us as "Doctor" Lindsey Schaefer delivers her first lecture on cellular autophagy and explains why she'd hug that creepy (yet somehow cuddly) bear monster. We dive deep into our thoughts and feelings on Natalie Portman's eyebrows, as well as what movies and stories terrified us as children and what the actual fuck is happening in this film. And we end on butts and dirty showers 'cause why the hell not.

It's a Lovecraftian tale as old as time: boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy's roommate kills and raises girl's psycho stalker from the dead, psycho stalker gives new meaning to the phrase "giving head," tentacle chaos ensues, girl dies, boy injects girl with neon yellow science juice. Tangents include The Good Place (spoiler alert!), Lindsey's desire for a padded room of her very own, theories on what happens when we die, and the correct way to apply a bra. Oh, and we may have recorded this episode in the buff.

As far back as she can remember, Lindsey's always loved Goodfellas. And it's been a long damn time because we're celebrating 30 years with this Scorsese classic, which was released on September 21, 1990. The story of Henry Hill's mafia career is violent, sexy, and entertaining as hell. Hot topics include Lindsey's Hoffa reincarnation fantasy, the most comedic moment in the film (RIP Spider), Joe Pesci's Oscar-winning turn, Leah's take on Debra Winger's performance (wink, wink), and our thoughts on what Marty's next big movie could be (gangsters in space?).

Are you lost, baby girl? If you answered yes or no or maybe so, then you should listen to this episode where we discuss in gruesome detail the "romance" 365 Days with Margie and Rachel from Textual Tension. We answer all your burning questions: Was this movie actually made for men (so. many. blowjobs.)? How many montages is too many? Is the fucking for real or are they just that talented? Is it rape? And why? Just…why? Also, we take a tiny Lord of the Rings tangent because why not.Then head on over to Textual Tension and take a listen to their episode A Heart Condition Called Love, in which we join them to review and discuss the "plot" of this movie.https://textualtensionpod.com/

Come one, come all to suckle at the teats of pain as Leah and Lindsey discuss Spielberg's 1998 war drama Saving Private Ryan. And the cast! Oh the cast! They've got Hanks, Sizemore, Ribisi, Burns, Goldberg, Damon, Diesel, and last, but certainly not least, Barry FUCKING Pepper. Lindsey reveals one of her trade secrets: how to tell if you're a good actor who made shitty choices in the 90s. (We're looking at you, Ed Burns, Ewan McGregor, and Jude Law.) And we brush up on our German. FUBAR is German, right?

We're bar room buddies and that's the best kiiiiiiiiiiind! Leah introduces Lindsey to Bronco Billy, an 80s classic starring Clint Eastwood, Sondra Locke, and Scatman Crothers. This film has everything: cowboys and cowgirls, a modern-day train robbery (!), a performance from Merle Haggard & the Strangers, and one of the best bar room brawls ever. Lindsey points out all the ways this film hasn't aged well, and we ask ourselves: Is Clint Eastwood a gross person?

Lindsey introduced Leah to another MCU film, and Leah's mind was opened and suddenly all those memes made sense! We get into the importance of Zeppelin's Immigrant Song to this film (and to Lindsey), our love for Taika Waititi, the badassery of Tessa Thompson, and how adorable it is that Sir Anthony Hopkins reprises his role from Legends of the Fall in this movie. Tangents include ringtones, if we could crush 6,000 calories in a day, and who wins in the battle of the Fitbit sleep scores. Sun's going down… Sun's going down…

If you love the Beatles (like Leah), you'll love this movie (unlike Lindsey). 2019's Yesterday is the story of a struggling musician who wakes up in a world where the Beatles don't exist. We discuss all the things, including: Would the Beatles' music resonate today or are we too obsessed with K-pop? Is the love story shoved into this film like a fat guy in a little coat? What celebrity would you let into your house if they just showed up? And is that Ed Sheeran GOT cameo when the show jumped the shark? Play Summer Song!

It's The Big Chill for our generation! We watched 2004's Without a Paddle, starring darlings of the silver screen Matthew Lillard, Seth Green, and Dax Shepard. And we did talk about the movie, but we also got a little sidetracked with memories of picking out VHS at the video store, adoration for Allison "West Wing" Janney, bird people (Lindsey's kind) vs cat people (Leah's ilk), Krav Maga drills, and our teeny tiny obsession with Dax Shepard's podcast Armchair Expert (if you're not listening, get on it!).

It's a hero's journey! Lindsey and Leah share their feelings and fears about 2004's stoner comedy Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. Basically, it's all animal semen and marijuana and battle shits. Leah reveals why White Castle burger patties have holes in them (trade secrets!), and Lindsey shares the story of the one and only time a guy told her she had a nice ass (so sweet!).

Elisabeth Moss for the FUCKING win. As we discuss our first times with Shirley (2020), we get into the madness of playing the happy little housewife, how the film inspired Lindsey to write (!), our utter adoration of Shirley and Stanley's relationship (hot lips emoji), and how it feels to be a woman who speaks the fuck up (knife emoji).

Horror. Absurity. TEETH. We break down our first times with this film about a young woman who has an impressive case of vagina dentata (ie, a toothed vagina). Get comfy 'cause it's about to get really uncomfy as we talk about vag and peen and female bodies and first-time fantasies and sex ed and visits to the OBGYN and the pure power of the pussy.

Our queen Melissa Powers joined us to discuss this dreamy horror-action romp starring Nic Cage. Mandy is so many things: sweet romance, culty drama, death, destruction, demon-drug bikers from hell. Not to mention the CHEDDAR GOBLIN! The film is weirdly sexual, so the conversation gets weirdly sexual. We dug it.

In which Lindsey both learns Leah a few tidbits about Beta Israel and confesses that she can't tell time. Why are we here? What are we doing? Can Chris Evans only play the good guy? Tangents include gross-out sports injuries, if we could 127 Hours ourselves out of a bad situation, and the location of Lindsey's true north (hint: it's Leah).

Shit gets weird and culty AF in this 2016 horror-thriller starring Logan Marshall-Green (wearing the shit out of the beard!), Tammy Blanchard (wearing the shit out of that white dress!), and Michiel Huisman (XOXOXO). And Lindsey actually liked it. She liked a movie that Leah picked. She said it disturbed her. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?

Lindsey offers up to Leah Denis Villeneuve's Prisoners so that together they may suckle at the teats of pain. Nursing on that agony milk! Hugh Jackman is hugely jacked, sweet Jakey G plays the dark detective who always gets his man, Melissa Leo is terrifying and unrecognizable, and Viola Davis crushes as usual. And Paul Dano… whoa. Just whoa. There's a lot to unpack with this one, including a few boxes of venomous snakes.

This week Leah introduces Lindsey to the 2006 horror flick The Descent. This movie has everything: a cast chock fulla women, death-defying cave stunts (accompanied by plenty of grunting and groaning), fucking MOLE PEOPLE, and an inexplicable pool of blood. Not to mention the twist ending that's - wait for it - no longer a twist. What the fucking fuck?!

Youts! We watched the 90s comedy My Cousin Vinny, and we had so much fun! Between Ralph Macchio's dirt lip, Joe Pesci's killer performance as the titular Vinny, and everything about Marisa Tomei (the hair! the clothes! the attitude!), how could we not? Join us as we break down our first times with this blast from the past.

We found the one asshole left on the planet who hadn't seen Titanic, and we popped his cherry! Mike is this week's movie virgin, and he talks us through why (WHY?!) he'd never seen the film, as well as his feelings for Leo (the love!). We also discuss whose sweaty hand is sliding down that steamy car window, Billy Zane's cartoonish portrayal of Cal, the (interesting…?) pairing of Kate and Leo, if Timothée Chalamet is the next Leo, and so much more.

Lindsey forced Leah to watch Terms of Endearment because she's a terrible person who delights in making her friends sob into their popcorn. And after all that trauma, Leah feels the only bright spots in this show are Shirley MacLaine and Jack Nicholson's flirtation and eventual hookup. Other than that, we discuss Debra Winger in that deathbed scene, the failed sequel (The Evening Star), and relationships. Relationships can be a real bitch, man.

Lindsey and Leah discuss their first times with this fantastical tale of a customs agent who can smell human emotions. Border is the story of a woman who is searching for the truth about herself and coming to grips with what that truth means. But also this movie has one of the most incredible and mind-blowing sex scenes EVER.

Welcome to another VERY SPECIAL EPISODE! And we're talking about…optics! That's because we watched The Invisible Man (2020) starring Elisabeth Moss. This movie left us with so many questions (can Aldis Hodge BE any hotter?), and we had some…interesting reactions to the film. We also dig into our quarantine watchlists, including long-lost loves Jackass and Supernatural. Join us!

Hey, people! Go check out The Memory Distillery Podcast with our friends John and Anthony. They invited us over to talk about Sixteen Candles and it. was. awesome! Lindsey, Anthony, and I had a great conversation about this John Hughes classic starring Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, and (swoon!) Michael Schoeffling as Jake Ryan. You can find them on Instagram and Twitter @TMDpod. Find them, listen, and subscribe! Do it!The Sixteen Candles episode is in all the places, including:Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-memory-distillery/id1459261391?i=1000468532248Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6oDpkvoEEsxMMyAj2neqV1

It's our first time with a Bong Joon Ho film! And… we loved it! This episode gets a little weird because, well, Snowpiercer is kinda nuts. We're talking cannibalism, train obsessions, that moment with the fish, Tilda Swinton's fabulous turn as the creepy AF Mason, our love for Kang-ho Song's Nam, Chris Evans' performance, and on, and on, and on…. Like that damn post-apocalyptic train ride.

Pop quiz, hotshot! There's a bomb on a bus.... Lindsey and Leah discuss the 1994 action flick Speed. And they cover all your burning questions: Is that bus jump realistic? Is any of this movie believable? Has Keanu ever been hotter? Is Sandra Bullock a good actor? Where the heck is Pacoima? There are also a few detours into Speed 2 (barf), Showgirls (!), Hustlers, SNL's the Californians, and more.

It's gym-nasty! Lindsey and Leah share their thoughts and feelings on this raunchy comedy starring Melissa Rauch as a foul-mouthed ex-gymnast. And just when you think it can't get any more awkward, Lindsey dives deep into her love of gymnastics and her weirdly specific obsession with Sebastian Stan's diet and physical fitness. Obsession - it's the spice of life!

Eric Bana has never looked better. Also, Tom Hardy! Tom Sizemore! Ewan McGregor! So. Many. Dudes. And that's basically it for Leah's take on one of Lindsey's favorite war movies. We also share our favorite moments from this film and our thoughts on warfare in general. It gets... intense.