READY SLOW

It's episode 89 and Shean and Shane are competing over who has the better medical emergency. Shane's about to get escorted out of the hospital for demanding to keep his wife's appendix, while Shean's gotten into a car wreck with a crackhead.  The guys discuss the Trump v DeSantis catfight, the wet dreams of violent communists, godless nihilist narcissists, animals in heaven, and white people with black voices.Shane shares some advice he got from a new friend, and Shean talks about what made him ugly cry.Jesus Christ makes a special guest appearance. 

It's episode 88 and Shean's in a robe and Shane's in a dungeon.The guys discuss Kanye, Farrakhan, Malcolm X, AI art, grief, trans youth, modern genocide, ancient civilizations, eternal returns, false flags, only fans, and sizzurp. Madonna's new face makes a special guest appearance. 

It's episode 87 and the boys are back in town. Shean confesses to blackmailing Air BnB hosts and Shane wants to overthrow the monarchy. The guys discuss black tik tok, yaaasss dead queens, the science of blunts, Jesus in Hell, the ideal gynecologist, and the theory about Walt Disney's corpse.Shean relives a childhood memory about a traumatic hurricane, meanwhile Shane is encountering racist diapers at the store.Princess Di makes a very special guest appearance. 

It's episode 86 and Shean is enduring a three-day marathon at the dentist, meanwhile Shane's getting slandered by a journalistic standards community.The guys discuss the 87,000 new hires at the IRS, the raid at Mar-a-Lago, and how “they're” dropping that brand new chem trail recipe from the sky making everyone sick in August. They also get into the circus that was the Alex Jones “defamation” trial.And did you know Shean was almost on The Voice? Meanwhile, Shane's had to talk to his son about why some people are missing limbs. AI Kamala makes a very special guest appearance.

It's episode 85 and the guys are becoming Mennonites.But before t hey convert, Shane tries to advise Shean about how to act normal when meeting a new friend in real life for the first time. Shean doesn't know if he should bring a firearm or an earpiece for Shane to covertly share conversational treasures. Shean reveals his theory about NASA and swimming pools, meanwhile Shane is already starting problems in his new town by not being pro-dog-orgies in the middle of the street. The guys revisit Flat Earth, human history, glass domes, and the ways in which interpretations of God mutate throughout time. The cancer cell and the COVID-19 virus that infected President Joe Biden in the same week make a very special guest appearance. 

Shane and Shean announce their candidacy for President and Vice President of the United States of America. They vow to abolish all alphabet agencies. They also promise to leave NATO. And the UN. And they will reject WHO, WEF, and ESGs. CERN will also be destroyed, A lot has happened since the guys last caught up. Roe was overturned. CERN switched timelines again. Boris Johnson stepped down. Shinzo Abe was assassinated. And the Georgia Guidestones were destroyed. They also discuss secret forests under China, fake NASA photos, fake clouds, airplane tragedies, Jordan Peterson in HD, Aztec invasions, and more. Nancy Pelosi's breasts make a special guest appearance. 

It's episode 83 and the guys try to solve a mystery of possible lust and deceit in the land of God.  Shane's reading C.S. Lewis while Shean's Dr. Pepper addiction has brought on a home renovation binge. The guys also discuss bio-engineered salmon, pastors at Mexican restaurants, free will, morality, menstrual cups, and the one major issue that might be leading towards the inevitability of another Civil War. Jesus H. Christ makes a very special guest appearance. 

It's episode 82 and bees are now fish in the state of California, meanwhile kid friendly drag shows are coming to a town near you.The guys discuss the documentary “What Is a Woman?”, the consequences of a broken home, utopia fetishists, wild salmon, and raw meat.Shean admits to lying to Shane, and Shane is stunned by the recent threat made against his coworkers.The Queen of England and her rotting reptile face make a very special guest appearance.It's episode 82 and bees are now fish in the state of California, meanwhile kid friendly drag shows are coming to a town near you.The guys discuss the documentary “What Is a Woman?”, the consequences of a broken home, utopia fetishists, wild salmon, and raw meat.Shean admits to lying to Shane, and Shane is stunned by the recent threat made against his coworkers.Baphomet and the Queen of England's rotting reptile face make very special guest appearances.

It's Episode 81 and everyone is trying to sleep with Shean. He can't leave the house without total strangers trying to bring him home. Meanwhile, Shane's getting kicked out of his local library. The guys discuss Pride Month and the time Jack Lira hanged himself off Harvey Milk's porch. They also get into yawn loops, parental failures, Macaroni Grills, not going to Mexico, the CIA's ability to assault reality, and the symbolism of pineapples. Baby Jesus and the ghost of JFK make very special guest appearances. 

It's the season 4 premiere and the guys try to make sense of mass shootings, hopelessness,  and the collapse of civilization. Meanwhile, Shane looks at the failures of Sri Lanka as a warning of any big government push, and Shean talks emotionalism—and how they're facing literal actual death threats from a literal actual instagram poet.Also—adrenochrome, tribalism, unbridled ego, massive self-doubt, and acquaintances in the process of transitioning. A very special guest appearance from Chairman Mao and the ghost of Machine Gun Kelly's rap days. 

Episode 80 will cause serious physical harm.   Mark Zuckerberg has preemptively banned it from Facebook. The Twitter bots have been programmed to suppress it. Instagram thots are petitioning for its immediate destruction. The guys discuss the need to dissolve every alphabet agency, the ethics of twerking on corpses in the club, and offer tips on how to distinguish a clone from the real thing.Shean discusses his bazooka bubble gum hate crime incident in a Dick's Sporting Goods, and Shane shares his black pilled podcast theory. They also get into the concept of breakaway civilizations, Katy Perry's pop status, creative plateaus, and the horror in Buffalo.A very special guest appearance from Margaret Sanger's frigid vagina. 

Episode 79 is a call to arms. Shean and Shane are begging you to fight like Hell. Safe, legal, and rare vs bloodthirsty abortion mimosas. Absconding to Mexico. Drug mules. Decapitated tourists. Young mothers.The guys respond to comments they've received over their ideas on murder. Shane remembers a friend boasting about forcing his girlfriend to commit murder like a pez dispenser. They also argue the empty talking point that tries to equate freedom of speech with murder. They discuss the importance of shared definitions for a healthy culture and cul-de-sac moms making it rain on their 10-year-old drag queens.Plus, materialism and how America is a debtor's prison. Hitler's wet dream and Lincoln's favorite racist joke. Also, NASA, Oz, and coincidence.Shean recounts the trauma of a childhood model, and Shane is starting to fear his cycling community.Special guest appearances from Lindsey Graham's lady bugs, Lori Lightfoot, the tooth fairy, and the antichrist. 

Episode 78 is all about Shean's live-streamed corpse, Shane stripping naked for ID.me at gunpoint, fake cities, the peloton cult, the soho house cult, Kim K's vanishing derrière, Depp v. Heard, Roe v. Wade, the Met Gala, disgruntled mailmen, bookstore dildos, and trying to find common ground in an increasingly divisive socio-political landscape.Shean and Shane row and cycle respectively throughout the entire episode for a rare ASMR spectacular. There are very special guest appearances by a dying robot and a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.

It's Episode 77 and the guys are finally unveiling their long awaited line of merch. One-piece swimsuits, flip flops, mugs, bucket hats—they've got something for everyone who wants to wear Shean and Shane's faces around town. If you support BLM and if you denounce the holocaust—this merch is for you.The guys discuss Elon's twitter, Mike Tyson's tigers, stranger danger at a baseball game, Nashville, Catholics, Baptists, and Jews.Shean talks about once auditioning for Glee, and Shane tries to out bougie Shean once and for all. Today's very special guests include a long list of mythical creatures: giants, dinosaurs, unicorns, JFK, and Shaun King.

Episode 76 is a hostage situation as the guys incriminate themselves by discussing how and why they'd get away with murder. Shane talks about stumbling into a funeral, meanwhile Shean is positive there are infinite natural resources. They discuss huffing ether, tragic aquariums, and animatronic pedophiles. The guys also react to a listener who demands an apology.Pinocchio makes a special appearance after returning from Epstein's island.

It's episode 75 and Shean was attacked in the woods—he nurses the wounds as the guy's discuss white girl slaves, denim, toast with butter and cinnamon, pizza gate,and grunches. They also get into starting fights on instagram with strangers for fun, plus they go window shopping online and deconstruct men's fashion. Shean mulls over the idea of buying a coffee shop and Shane tells the story of Jim Limber.Ketanji Brown Jackson makes a very special appearance.

It's episode 74 and Shean and Shane fight over creative differences. Shane also got Shean banned from Facebook for 90 days, and Shean's enrolling people into a ponzi scheme as gas prices rise.The guys discuss time traveling back to the 1990s, Kris Jenner's chokehold on media narratives, Kanye's teeth, Shean's mission to Australia, Nazis in Ukraine, and Shane starting fights in a movie theater. Batman, Ball gags, Detransition tik tok, and Kyrie Irving makes special appearances. 

The guys have reunited. Shean was in Heaven on Earth while Shane was in Hell on Earth. Shean is haunted by lizards from Punta Cana, and Shane nearly died moving his family out of their house. The guys discuss the latest trends in hysteria, war propaganda, Ukraine and Russia, twins dating twins, Superb Owls, Uhaul, and heart attacks. They also breakdown whether or not Kanye summoned demons in Miami. Is he a creative genius or a tool of the illuminati? The guys share some fan mail and new prophecies.Joy Behar, Marilyn Manson, Vladimir Putin, and "Uncajems" make special appearances.

Episode 72 is not another teen movie meets wolf of wall street meets little shop of horrors meets mean girls.The guys compare notes about their high school lives. One of the guys committed white collar crime, the other committed blue collar crime. Can you guess who did backflips into pep rallies and who almost got expelled because of pep rallies? It's Black Future Month, Canada might save the world from tyranny, Michael Phelps is a supposed hypocrite, the dying supermarket dream, the definition of idealism, fear of rejection, and words of affirmation. Plus, the guys talk about how they're grown ass men spending a whole Sunday pranking another grown man. Shane also considers a very serious question concerning a snail and $20,000,000.Trudeau, once again, makes a very special appearance in blackface from an undisclosed location.

Remember the old woman with a forked tongue that wished death on half the country — that Shane said would never listen to Ready Slow? Yeah… she and her friends and family listened to last week's episode. And she's not happy. In related news, Shane & Nancy lost their house in West VA due to a series of unfortunate events. Shean and Lacie go to a kid's birthday party and walk away with a renewed sense of freedom. He's also auditioning friends for real life on Bumble BFF—and it could be going better.The guys also discuss how mothers  are the strongest voices on the COVID front lines, how The Weeknd is a genius, how choirs rip open the fabric of space-time, dinosaurs, mezcal, mountains, Taco Bell, and Indiana.Shean shares his theory on life, and Shane expands on his genocide theory. President Obama makes an extra special appearance from Flint, MI. Ready Slow welcomes all their new listeners in West Virginia who listened to last week's episode.

Episode 70 finds both guys snowed-in and dreaming of a white Martin Luther King Day. Shean is setting guidelines for hiring employees and Shane is fighting an uphill real estate battle against liars, con artists, and thieves.The guys discuss historical cubism, death mocking, and the white woman with a humanities degree that curated the African section of the ATL airport.They also get into whether or not Shane is the one who's truly unhinged for calling out his old employer on instagram. Plus, Shane welcomes Shean into the Church of Kanye after listening to the new song, “Eazy.” The corpse of Vladimir Lenin makes a special appearance.

Shean has omicron and Shane discusses the nature of modern genocide.With special appearances from a hysterical, unhinged,  moral authoritarian. 

Instagram says Shean and Shane are inciting violence. There's a strange man in Shane's yard. Shean's discussing philosophy with his uber driver. Trump's been boostered. Rittenhouse's media blitz proves we're in The Hunger Games. And Kamala's mask slips on Charlamagne's show. Wars and rumors of war. Friends gaslighting friends. Rape and love letters. Enrique and his mole. The guys also discuss: how to know whether or not you're in a cult; how many times President Biden coughed during his Omicron speech; and little white girls telling black men to mask up. Plus, Shean gifts Shane a free therapy session for Christmas — live, on air, during Ready Slow. 

For the holidays, Shean's life is spiraling out of control, and Shane lands himself in urgent care. NY has a new mask mandate, so Shane's getting kicked out of the supermarket, and Italy is preventing Shean from having the vacation he's worked so hard to plan — thanks to more draconian COVID policies. The guys discuss being crisis men and death men—plus, Jussie Smollett, CNN's predatory producers, The Atlantic's lack of integrity, childhood abandonment issues, and (for our day 1 listeners) how Shane's finally become Howard. Sia, Ghislaine Maxwell, Madonna, Nancy Reagan, and the Turpin family make appearances.

Episode 66 finds Shean getting accosted by a psychopath in a Whole Foods bathroom while Shane has a full blown panic attack on the highway. The guys discuss Alec Baldwin's crocodile tears, toothbrush protocols, glamping, and the sustained madness of the modern world.Shean is also convinced that Shane has been replaced by a clone after they almost have a falling out over the show Friends.Jesus in a pyramid also makes an appearance.

Episode 65 is a Ready Slow Thanksgiving Special. The guys discuss Britney and Rittenhouse going free, celebrity clones, and the glitch in the matrix that happened on live TV. Shean unravels the Church of Kardashian, while Shane is visited by his past self during the recording of this episode. The Golden Girls and the hickey on Pete Davidson's neck also make an appearance.

Astroworld, nanotechnology, the desperation of corporate media, and the Garden of Earthly Delights. Shean is about to be homeless in Europe, and Shane is a new man with his COVID antibodies. The guys also discuss the Rittenhouse trial and Joe Biden dropping the N bomb—again.Snoop Dogg, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, Kanye, Ted Bundy, and Kamala Harris also make appearances.

Shane gets COVID & Shean gets worms. Before the guys die, they denounce everything bad that they've ever said.

Episode 62 is the existential crisis this podcast has been hurtling towards since day one. Is Joe Biden even real? Why does he keep using a fake oval office? Why did Kamala hire child actors to pretend to be children with dreams of NASA? What is wrong with the supply chain? Who is sabotaging Shane? What are the things that upset Shean the most? What is the purpose of this life? Who makes the best french fries?The guys also answer questions from listeners. Topics include gentrification, Chick Fil A, gate night, dead birds, stolen pumpkins, family values, and Halloween costumes. Hint: one of the guys was once an award winning scarecrow and the other was an antique clown that creeped out all his friends… Can you guess which one? Listeners can send, opinions, donations and xanax to: readyslowpodcast@gmail.com

Episode 61 finds the guys in Atlanta at the same time… Shane faces the culture shock of ordering ice coffee in Georgia and, after months of work, Shean is about ready to launch his studio. Topics include girls with hoop earrings, Robert Pattinson's Batman, island weddings, turbulence, and how Shean inadvertently pranked Shane on instagram. They also get into the various interpretations of the Bible. Shane recounts a recent family trip to the Bronx Zoo that ended badly, and Shean has a fight with his therapist.Civil war, Colin Powell, and Donald J. Trump also make appearances.  

Season 3 comes to a close as Shean encounters racist brides and almost accidentally kidnaps a woman. Meanwhile, Shane describes our post-language society and he realizes the BLM movement has changed the way he operates in parking lots. The guys also discuss one of the worst kept secrets in the DC Comics universe: Superman is gay. Also—Fauci and Chappelle on Rotten Tomatoes, helicopter crashes, Jehri curls, fear of air, and the ominous warning from a nurse on the frontlines. Plus, Adele, Michael Jackson, Prince, The Weeknd, gluten allergies, Pat Kelly, Bruce Meo, Podcast Cathy, and Brandon of “let's go” fame all make appearances.

Episode 59 is rock slides, weddings, sleeplessness, whippings at the southern border, escalator behavior, and America's greatest institution: The View. Shean barely survives Utah and Shane shares some behind the scenes from his guest spot on Timcast IRL. The guys also dissect why so many people view success within mainstream institutions more favorably than success you built from the ground up. Plus — just how racist is mother nature? 

In Episode 58 Shane meets Alex Jones and Shean absconds to Florida. The guys return from the road to discuss black face, Marilyn Monroe, Ella Fitzgerald, and the tent cities along the Rio Grande. Shean's  talks about death in his community, and the guys talk at length about the idea of suicide in relation to religion — and the stigmas attached to just the mention of it.Plus, they go over the movies they can confidently say they've each watched at least 10 times. And as it turns out Shane‘s favorite movie triggers Shean.

Episode 57 is about 9/11 on social media, virus manners, and organized religion.Biden drones an innocent family, Gavin Newsom isn't recalled, and all of a sudden everyone loves George W. Bush.Shean and Shane also discuss the Met Gala, the genius of Kim Kardashian, and Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's left testicle. Plus — the guys pay their respects to Norm MacDonald.

Episode 56 is overdosing on horse drugs, death threats from late night clowns, overrun hospitals, nurse shortages, the Taliban's stance on Black Live Matter, and the ever tightening grip of mass psychosis.Shean and Shane also quiz each other on the nature of their thoughts. What do your thoughts look like in your mind's eye? Do you see an image? Do you see a vague outline of a memory? Do you see anything? The guys also discuss what Biden might announce before he unveils his new 6-point plan to fight COVID, the best coffee on Earth, and what they would you do with $1,000,000.Karl Malone, Muggsy Bogues, and Dennis Rodman also make appearances.

Episode 55 is dedicated to Shane's grandma, Beverly. The guys are back after taking a week off so Shane and his family could travel to Florida for her funeral. Ready Slow listeners know how integral Beverly has been to many stories told on the podcast. Shane and Shean discuss open caskets, fake Rabbis, pre-planned funerals, cemetery drama, Florida nostalgia, Eternal Reoccurrence, and bitch ass lawyers in punk rock costumes. Shane would also like to extend his gratitude to everyone who reached out with prayers, condolences, thoughts, and memes to cheer him up. Requiesce In Pace Beverly 

Shane gives a brief history of the war in Afghanistan and Shean gets dragged out of a city council meeting. The guys discuss vaccine passports, Tik Tok Rush Week, therapists for terrorists, and the Google overlords. Rev. Al Sharpton, General Mark Milley, Bushes, and Weapons of Mass Destruction also make appearances. 

Shean attempts to bring joy to episode 53, but Shane is trapped in a dark place. His grandma's condition has worsened and it's made him retreat into the gallows humor his hearse-driving grandfather always used to deflect seriousness. Which means that Shean is being held hostage in the dark place too.The guys get into embarrassment, black establishments, acid reflux, CP time, and evil scientists in Pittsburg. They also review the CDC's official plans to “physically remove” people and put them into “camps.”Shane discusses his favorite movie, and Shean recounts how he was scarred by a block of ham. 

Episode 52 is a somber one-year anniversary of the Ready Slow Podcast. Shean sobs on his career, and Shane shares some sad news. The guys discuss ambition, depression, self-mutilation, scarcity, and the circumcision of Jesus Christ. Two of New York's absolute best, Mayor Bill DeBlasio and Governor Andrew Cuomo make appearances to help celebrate the one year landmark of Shean and Shane airing out weekly grievances.

Episode 51 is all about time travel, immortal cells, and the Olympics. The guys reflect on all the ways in which they were supposed to grow up to become star athletes. Shane tells the story of his first “performance,” and Shean remembers that time he felt like Michael Jordan.They do a deep dive into the story of Henrietta Lacks—one of the cruelest and most bizarre medical cases in modern American history. The guys also discuss the implications of atom smashers, Governor Cuomo's nipple rings, and second class citizenry. During the recording of this episode, Lacie gets trapped in an airport, Thick starts heaving uncontrollably, and baby Poppy wakes up screaming and decides to join the guys for an impromptu discussion about the Butterfly Effect.

Margaritas, cheek bones, porn stars, and evangelicals. Zuckerberg, censorship, Chernobyl, and ancient Earth.The guys discuss the continued fracturing of polite society, countries in chaos, revolution, and super continents.They also introduce a new segment: Third Wheel Unpopular Opinions, where listeners send in their thoughts and the guys offer feedback. Episode 50 is a marathon. Also—Shean talks about the benefits of a social media detox and Shane makes a public apology.

Shean's locked out of his house, and Shane's just returned from West Virginia as they debate what they'd do if they were given a heart transplant from an evil person. The guys discuss the limits of redemption, the highest form of contemporary art, and an answer to the vaccine passports. There's also a healthy dose of narcissism, fireworks, locksmith-criticism, and “black magic.” Plus, the naked rainbow monkey drops in for story time.

Episode 48 is a tribute to Hot Boy Summer. Biden's going door-to-door, grilling is now evil, and the guys review the new vaccine anthem, “Vax That Thang Up.”High school, sex-ed, Bill Cosby, fake birds, spy cats, and the Earth's brand new ocean are all up for debate. Plus, Shean makes a plan for Ready Slow to take part in Pitti Uomo, and Shane tells a ghost story. 

Episode 47 is Free Britney, Hollywood slavery, and generic clones.  Shean designs a Tron wedding while Shane tries to train a puppy and two children. The guys also discuss the new degenerates managing the Make-A-Wish Foundation, the Chauvin sentencing, and the need for breaking immoral laws. Plus—Shean and Shane offer their nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize. 

The guys get together for Episode 46 to celebrate Ready Slow's 10,000th download—and they take stock on all the trouble they've gotten into since the start of the show. They discuss wedding-demon season in NY, manic shopping, Juneteenth, grade school crushes, and the point in which inclusion becomes exclusion. Shane shares some big news, and Shean has a miscommunication at a wedding. The guys also make plans to conquer the Svalbard Global Seed Vault in Norway. 

Episode 45 is Trading Places—it's Freaky Friday—it's… The Merge. Shean has very little time left until he has completely transitioned into becoming Shane—and vice versa. Shane's reluctant to undo the merge, but Shean is ready for the hex to end. They're one podcast away from trading race cards and yarmulkes. In the meantime, Shean's juggling an intense wedding season + renovations of his studio, while Shane mourns the loss of trust in his favorite news app.The guys discuss the invasion of Functioning Zombies, and the terrible resurgence of a new form of segregation. They also get into the weeds of everyone's favorite small talk: Critical Race Theory, eugenics, and abortion. ADHD, Georgia shrimp, and Hunter Biden throwing around N bombs like it's a Klan parade also make appearances.

Shean runs for his life while Shane takes a road trip with the family. The guys discuss Mexican cartels, power grids, waterbeds, and useful idiots. They wonder whether or not the ghost of Woodrow Wilson is haunting the White House, or if the United States is going to have nuclear war with China. Shane talks about beating NY State and his colleges in his recent court cases, and Shean gives insights into self-worth.Floyd Mayweather, Logan Paul, and AOC's abuela make appearances.The guys are also approaching their one-year anniversary with 10,000 downloads on the horizon. 

Episode 43 finds Shean in custody while Shane appears before a judge. The guys make their way through the authorities in order to discuss Operation Paperclip, geriatric millennials, and narcissistic victimhood. Bruno Mars, Ron DeSantis, and Wernher Von Braun make appearances. Plus, Shane tells the story of how his grandma’s hair went to war.Episode 43 finds Shean in custody while Shane appears before a judge. The guys make their way through the authorities in order to discuss Operation Paperclip, geriatric millennials, and narcissistic victimhood. Bruno Mars, Ron DeSantis, and Wernher Von Braun make appearances. Plus, Shane tells the story of how his grandma’s hair went to war.

Episode 42 is part-time Hell, stress freaks, taxidermy, box-cutters, and blowtorches. Shane goes to the doctor and gets some bad news, while Shean makes headway on corporate reparations. The guys examine news articles and talk about the ways they determine how and what to trust in today’s journalism. They also attempt to make sense of the events that took place leading up to the current conflict in the Middle East. Plus, Shane weighs his skepticism with the idea of miracles, and Shean lays out his vision of the universe.

Ready Slow’s third season starts with a major breakthrough in Shean’s existential crisis with time—meanwhile Shane’s been getting drunk on margaritas with his Aunt Gloria… (he might be back in her will now). The guys discuss anti-semitism, ethnic cleansing, the current horrors between Israel and Palestine, and whether or not we’re in the middle of a secret World War. Deep sea creatures, $70,000 dresses, Dr. Fauci, Spice Girls, and Stephen Hawking make appearances. 

This is the season 2 finale—featuring American decadence, vaccine gods, virus babies, and kinky hypocrisies. The guys celebrate by getting fat, sassy, and lazy. Shean overnights cake from across the country—Shane gets decked out in doge and Ralph Lauren. Meanwhile—institutions are crumbling, America is fractured, Cuomo’s dipping his garlic knot in places it doesn’t belong, and Steve Harvey’s suits are hiding something. Mass psychosis, the magic of fish eye lenses, and the death of logic all make appearances.