Mama Shrink

Too many women stay stuck in toxic relationships because they're trying to “figure it out.” Is it narcissism? Addiction? Passive-aggression? Something diagnosable? In this powerful episode, Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver challenges the belief that we need a perfect label before we're allowed to leave. What if the pain is enough? What if the confusion, exhaustion, and emotional fallout are the evidence?   You'll learn: Why obsessing over a label keeps you stuck in analysis paralysis How to validate your reality without outside proof What to pay attention to in your body, mind, and home environment How toxic behavior—no matter what you call it—impacts your kids Questions to ask yourself when you're stuck between fear, guilt, and clarity  

Cognitive dissonance is one of the most powerful forces keeping women stuck in toxic relationships. It's the reason you doubt yourself, excuse red flags, and feel like you're going crazy—while holding onto hope. In this eye-opening episode, Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver explains how cognitive dissonance plays out in toxic marriages, narcissistic relationships, and parallel parenting—and why it leads directly to burnout.   You'll learn: How cognitive dissonance causes confusion, guilt, and emotional shutdown The sneaky link between toxic relationships and physical burnout Why high-functioning women blame themselves—and how to stop How to begin seeing the truth clearly (even when it hurts) Practical steps for healing your mind, body, and boundaries

This week on The Mama Shrink Podcast, we're talking about one of the hardest, most painful truths: You can't make someone change if they don't want to. You can love them. Beg them. Do everything “right.” But if they're not willing to change, nothing will change.

Have you ever gotten an apology that left you feeling… worse? In this powerful episode of The Mama Shrink Podcast, Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver breaks down the subtle art of the toxic apology. If you've ever felt confused, blamed, or dismissed after someone said “sorry,” this one's for you. You'll learn how to spot the difference between a real apology and manipulative gaslighting. Whether you're co-parenting with a narcissist, recovering from emotional abuse, or simply trying to model healthy behavior for your kids, this episode will help you reclaim your clarity and power. Dr. Cynthia explains: The 3 elements of a genuine, healing apology Why “I'm sorry you feel that way” is not an apology How toxic apologies impact your mental health and contribute to burnout How to set boundaries and stop blaming yourself This episode is essential listening for high-functioning moms navigating emotional manipulation, parallel parenting, and the exhausting cycle of narcissistic burnout.

In this deeply personal episode, Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver returns to The Mama Shrink Podcast after surviving a year that nearly broke her. From the end of a 31-year marriage to the financial and emotional shock of becoming a single mom at 52, she shares what true healing looks like behind closed doors.   If you're navigating burnout, divorce, narcissistic abuse, or just trying to hold it all together while raising kids—you are not alone.   Dr. Cynthia opens up about: Grieving the loss of the family you imagined How high-functioning women often break silently The difference between self-care and soul survival Parenting through heartbreak without losing your mind What healing really looks like when life falls apart Why slowing down isn't failure—it's survival How to keep going when everything in you wants to give up   Whether you're in the middle of a toxic relationship, post-separation grief, emotional trauma, or burnout at midlife, this episode is your gentle reminder: you can be broken and brave at the same time.

Hello Mamas! In today's podcast I want to share my personal story and journey of how Mama Shrink became a mama. This is my holiday miracle and the one I am always most grateful so it felt good to share it. I get asked a lot about adoption, especially when people see us with our 2 boys who are both bi-racial. I am sensitive in sharing this story from my perspective as my kids will someday have their own adoption story. There are parts of my journey removed to protect their birthmother's and things that I am not comfortable sharing publicly. Adoption is a whole other level of becoming a mom. It's very different from how other women become moms in terms of trying to get pregnant and being able to conceive. I often refer to it as an emotional rollercoaster because there are so many highs and lows and unknowns that being able to conceive does not bring. My boys were meant to be mine.... I know that for sure. In this story you will see the signs and miracles that took place that brought them to my husband and I. We may not be connected biologically but we are connected a soul level which I will take any day over genetics. I hope this story helps all moms unable to conceive to have hope that you can become a mom through the amazing gift of adoption. I never thought we might have a problem getting pregnant. And we did. For those of you out there who have struggled with infertility I'm sure you understand that every month that you don't get pregnant feels so sad and so discouraging. When I was in my 20s, I worked hard to not get pregnant. Then all of a sudden in my 30's when I wanted to get pregnant, I couldn't. After going through tests and numerous doctors and being told that our chances of conceiving were about 30%, even with IVF. And the cost of IVF was around $25,000 at the time for three tries and our odds were low. I am not a gambler and I also was not thrilled with the thought of injecting hormones into my body. My husband had mentioned that he always wanted to adopt. After a period of trying, he and I sat down and talked about adopting. And the group forums I read on failed IVF was incredibly depressing. One day I picked up a book on adoption and I remember reading the words “Congratulations you are going to become a mom.” Everything in my soul changed that day and shifted towards adoption. I felt excited and hopeful for the first time in a very long time. There are so many options for adoption. You need to be ok with the adoption path you choose. We looked into the different options and decided to go with domestic newborn adoption. We began our journey - mounds of paperwork, meetings with social workers, home visits, and interviews. You have to go into it with an open heart and not be frustrated with the process. When you go through the adoption journey, listen to your gut because there were so many things that were happening during the process that weren't making any sense to me that I should have listened to. It's sad because when you are in that process, you want so much to become a mom that you're willing to overlook things that maybe you shouldn't. People that have not gone through domestic newborn adoption journey, they don't realize that when you do it every state has different laws. People can change their minds. It's a really big risk. It's an emotional roller coaster. We had a failed adoption experience and I had to grieve for the child we were supposed to adopt like grieving a miscarriage. I went through a lot of anger and sadness. We told our social worker that we wanted to be back in the books on January 2nd. This was not an easy decision to make and was actually quite scary. On January 4th 2012, our social worker called and told us we were matched. It was truly a miracle. 2 weeks before I was heartbroken and now, we had to pull ourselves together to go and get our little boy (Thomas) who was waiting for us. We drove all night, got to Virginia and we when I met Thomas for the first time, I knew in my heart that HE was my baby. We then decided to adopt again when Thomas was 16 months old. We got a call in December saying that a birth mother had picked us but we said no the first time because of issues with the birth father. The birth mother refused to pick any other family but us and by the third time we felt safe enough to say yes. On New Years Eve 2012 we went to New Jersey to pick up or second son Lucas and we became a family of 4 before the clock struck midnight. Second miracle indeed.   Resources:   Dr. Cynthia Hawver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Ever wondered how to navigate parenting a strong-willed child? Curious about effective strategies that can transform challenging behaviors?    In this insightful episode, the host delves into the challenges and triumphs of parenting a strong-willed child. Drawing from personal experiences, the discussion unfolds a narrative that encapsulates the intricacies of managing a child with a strong personality. From setting boundaries to the significance of consistency, the conversation covers various aspects of parenting, illustrating real-life scenarios that many parents can relate to. Strategies such as using time-outs effectively, providing choices, and employing positive motivation are discussed, offering a comprehensive guide for parents facing similar situations.   The episode commences by emphasizing the importance of setting clear boundaries for strong-willed children, elucidating that a firm "no" should mean "no." Consistency emerges as a key theme, with the host highlighting the need for unwavering adherence to rules and consequences. Practical tips, such as offering only two choices and using timers for time limits, are introduced to foster a sense of control for the child while maintaining discipline. The incorporation of effective consequences and the power of forgiveness in disciplining form essential components of the discussed parenting strategies. The narrative further explores the use of timeouts, stressing the significance of creating a distraction-free environment for its efficacy.   Key Takeaways:   Consistency is key in parenting strong-willed children; rules and consequences must be unwavering. Tailor discipline strategies to the individual child; what works for one may not work for another. Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool; acknowledge and praise good behavior consistently.   Resources:   Dr. Cynthia Hawver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Hello Mommas! The holidays are coming in so fast and before we all get busy with life, parties, kids and everything else, I just wanted to talk to you about dealing with the holidays when you're feeling depressed, down, overwhelmed and anxious.  If you are feeling these things, I want to assure you that you are not alone. 90% of people are feeling the exact same way.  Holiday depression and stress is a real thing and it happens even to the best of us. Through this episode, I want to be able to help you find a way to deal and manage with these feelings and suggest some things you can do to make the holidays a bit better for you and your family. I want you to be happy during this season momma's and I'll be discussing some things that I know might help you out.   The holidays are stressful and hard but we are doing Christmas for the kids and, hopefully, for ourselves. So, if we are going to do it, let's make it a little easier. Take some deep breaths and say “I'm doing this.” Let's make it fun. I want you mommas to take care of yourself during this time of the year. Whatever it is, do something for you. For a lot of us, holidays can cause depression and stress. It really is a hard time. Try and think about your kids why you're doing this. Sometimes it's hard and brings back bad memories, overwhelm, financial. Try to take care of yourself during this whole season. We have to find a way to deal with balancing everything - shopping, family, parties, house guests - to decrease your feeling of overwhelm. If you don't look at this you may find yourself having a headache, getting physically sick, excessive drinking, overeating, etc. It's going to find its way out and I want to help you find a way to not let that happen. New Year's Day can also be another time people feel awful about starting the new year and I don't want you to feel that way mommas. What can we do to get through the holidays and make it a little bit better? Make a list of realistic expectations - what you can expect from family, kids, friends and your financial state. Don't overextend yourself. Don't do it because you're going to be dealing with stress for a long time if you overspend. Set a goal for yourself. What do you want to get out of the holidays? Everyone has their own goal. Make your own goal according to what feels right for you. Don't take on more than what you are able to do. Make a list and prioritize. Have it all set out in your calendar. Get it out of your head and put it on paper, it really helps. Think about the holidays as just a day to not put too much pressure on yourself. Try to enjoy it. Plan as much as you can ahead of time so that you don't get stressed. Don't compare yourself to others on social media or to past holidays you've had. On the holiday, you shouldn't be on social media. If you're struggling for money, there's a lot of things that you can do for free. Look at holiday lights, go window shopping, engage in snow play, try to enjoy the whole season. Try to celebrate the holidays in a new way. The last thing that I want you to do is agree to participate in a family event that makes you unhappy. Figure out a new tradition or holiday stuff with your immediate family or your kids to make it something new and not keep putting you through stuff that makes you upset. Make some time for yourself. Do something nice for you. Try to spend the holidays with people you actually enjoy. It's hard because we all have people in our family that we have to spend time with, but if you are spending time with them then set some boundaries, keep distance or just don't go. Do something that makes you laugh. Try to make some room during the day to make it fun. It can really make a difference however simple it is. Enjoy the moment with your family because you won't get that back. If you feel like you don't have anyone to spend the holidays with, you can volunteer, go somewhere where there's other people - nursing homes are a great place, call a friend.   Resources:   Dr. Cynthia Hawver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Mamas, it is so important to have a good therapist for yourself and for your children if either of you need one. You shouldn't settle for a therapist just because it's convenient, they accept your insurance, or because you've worked with someone forever and don't want to start over.  In this episode, I'm going to be talking to you about what you need to look for and what you should want regarding good and bad therapy. I'm going to give you some tips and tricks on how to know for sure that the therapist you're seeing is the right fit for you and your family. A lot of times, people continue going to the same therapist because they get comfortable but they're not really finding that they're having any change. On the other hand, therapists also have to check how much a client is working in the session or in between sessions.  A good therapist should educate people on what therapy is and it is not something that should last forever. The goal of therapy is to get the person functioning again, to help them find relationships outside the therapy session that serve them, and to find ways for them to improve. This could vary depending on the person and what diagnosis they are suffering with. It's important to know the differences between psychiatrists, clinical psychologists, licensed social workers and the qualifications they have.  Some red flags to look for in therapy: if you are not feeling safe and comfortable; you should feel heard - make sure the person is listening to you; you should feel that your therapist likes you; you shouldn't leave a session feeling embarrassed or shameful; make sure that progress is being made; you want someone who challenges you a bit; make sure that the therapist is professional; the therapist should not seem anxious, distracted or uncomfortable; the therapist should be approachable and you feel completely supported by them; you should not feel like you have to take care of your therapist; your therapist should never touch you or cross a boundary where they are sexual towards you or wanting you to be their friend. The things you should look for in a therapist that will be a good fit for you: ask other people what they've heard about the practice; go to a someone who specializes in what you need help on; look at the therapeutic style they have; make sure  your personality fits your therapist, that you are connected with them and you feel safe with them; you need to see results; their feedback should be practical and emotionally in tune with what you're dealing with; therapist needs to understand what you are looking for and what you want to accomplish; you want to feel they're listening to you and that they remember your story; you should feel like they're interested in what you're saying; you should be able to ask questions to them; they should check in on your progress; they believe you can change; make sure they're keeping up with new treatments, evidence and continuing education; you want to feel safe in their office; therapist should have done their own therapy.  What to look for in therapists for children: make sure they have experience working with children; that they are connected with your child's pediatrician should any issues arise; parents have to participate in therapy with their children.    Resources: Places to find therapists online: Psychology Today   Dr. Cynthia Hawver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver 

I would like to dive into the concept of mindset shifting in the next 2 episodes of the Mama Shrink Podcast because I feel that this is such a big thing. It's one thing to think about something in a certain way and it's a whole different level when you really believe what you're talking about. This comes down to the whole concept of the biology of belief. So today, I'm going to talk about self-sabotage. What is it, how do we do it, and why we do it. I have personally engaged in self-sabotaged throughout my life and have seen this cycle in many women that I have worked with over the years. I share about this in order to help you move out of this vicious cycle and become a happier mom and woman. So, let's discuss Self-Sabotage   Self-sabotage is a purposeful choice that interferes with your short-term or long- term goals. Self-sabotage is setting goals but not following through, procrastinating or quitting. We go into self-sabotage because our brains become habituated to being in a state of homeostasis and we want to remain in our comfort zone. Sometimes our comfort zone isn't what's best for us but what we're used to. We feel that it's too good to be true so we ruin it. Self-sabotage affects our self-esteem and pulls you down. It becomes a vicious cycle that makes us feel bad and makes us go back to our state of not achieving, growing and allowing good things to come in. If you keep proving to yourself that you can't succeed or you don't deserve good things, your brain will start to believe that. Signs for recognizing self-sabotage: procrastinating, feeling uncomfortable about feeling good, doing negative self-talk, feeling like you're not good enough, picking fights, being self-critical, feeling like a fraud. Do you see yourself doing or feeling any of these things? Why are you doing it? And is this your way of self-sabotaging? How do we change this? It can't change overnight. Changing self-sabotage is a gradual change and involves shifting your mindset. Here are the steps you need to take: recognize your self-sabotaging behaviors; recognize the emotions that are causing the behavior; recognize the thoughts causing the emotions; work on changing your behavior, recognize the thoughts and emotions associated with whatever you keep self-sabotaging with; and practice being okay with feeling good. Give yourself permission to feel good. Over time you'll re-wire your brain and slowly start to change your mindset and belief system so that your internal state of being becomes feeling good and happy. It takes practice. Be patient with yourself because it takes time to stop self-sabotaging.   Resources: Gay Hendrix Book: The Big Leap Dr. Cynthia Hawver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver   

Ever wondered why common courtesy seems to be fading away in today's world? What if teaching manners could make a significant impact on our lives and society? In this podcast episode, Dr. Cynthia Hawver, a licensed psychologist and host of the Mama Shrink podcast, passionately addresses the decline of manners in society, emphasizing the need for parents to actively teach their children these essential skills. Dr. Haver shares personal anecdotes and observations, ranging from the lack of door-holding to the rise of disrespectful behavior in children. She dives into various aspects of manners, covering interruptions, speaking disrespectfully, saying "please" and "thank you," and even extends the discussion to modern challenges like cell phone etiquette.   Dr. Hawver advocates for modeling good behavior as the foundation for teaching manners to children. She stresses the significance of addressing interrupting, disrespectful speech, and the importance of expressions like "please" and "thank you." The discussion expands to encompass behavior at the table, societal politeness, and the need to instill courtesy in email communication and other forms of modern interaction. Throughout, she highlights the pivotal role of parents in shaping their children's behavior and fostering kindness. Key Takeaways:   Manners are not outdated; they are essential for a harmonious society. Teaching manners involves addressing various aspects, from traditional table manners to modern communication etiquette. Parents play a crucial role in modeling good behavior and shaping their children's understanding of courtesy.   Resources: Facebook Group: Dr. Cynthia Midlife Mamas https://www.facebook.com/groups/drcynthiamidlifemamas Dr. Cynthia Hawver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

In this insightful podcast episode, Dr. Cynthia, a seasoned psychologist, delves into the complex realm of guilt, particularly experienced by mothers. Opening up with a raw exploration of societal expectations and the relentless pursuit of perfection, she addresses the common narrative of moms feeling guilty for perceived imperfections and societal pressures. Dr. Cynthia shares personal anecdotes and professional insights, revealing the multifaceted aspects of guilt, from work-life balance struggles to the challenges of setting boundaries.   Dr. Cynthia addresses the origins of guilt, rooted in upbringing, cultural influences, and personal values. Drawing from her experience, she highlights how guilt can be a generational hand-me-down, perpetuating patterns that need breaking. The episode explores various scenarios, from the guilt associated with work-life balance to the intricate dynamics of relationships and divorce. Dr. Cynthia discusses the unhealthy use of guilt as a form of emotional manipulation, shedding light on power dynamics and the role of insecurities. By encouraging self-reflection, she guides listeners to differentiate between healthy guilt that prompts positive change and the unhealthy burden that hinders growth.   Key Takeaways:   Guilt often stems from societal expectations, cultural influences, and generational patterns. The episode explores various guilt-laden scenarios, including work-life balance, parenting decisions, and relationship dynamics. Unhealthy guilt can be a tool for manipulation and control, perpetuating power imbalances. Differentiating between healthy and unhealthy guilt is vital for personal growth. Fostering self-compassion and kindness is crucial in breaking free from the guilt cycle.   Resources: Dr. Cynthia Hauver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Ever wondered how to navigate family drama during the holiday season? Curious about setting boundaries and making the most of this special time of year? In this podcast episode, Dr. Cynthia discusses the intricacies of managing family dynamics during the holiday season. Drawing from personal experiences and professional wisdom, she provides practical advice on setting boundaries, dealing with difficult relatives, and ensuring a more enjoyable and meaningful celebration.   Dr. Cynthia begins by emphasizing the importance of self-care and setting boundaries, focusing on making the holiday season more enjoyable and less stressful. She encourages listeners to prioritize their mental well-being and explains the significance of setting boundaries even with close family members. She advises listeners to prepare in advance for potential triggers and difficult situations. Dr. Cynthia suggests strategies like using "I statements" and steering the conversation toward other family members to reduce personal stress. Taking breaks, getting fresh air, and keeping a positive attitude can help diffuse tense situations.   The podcast episode underscores the importance of not tolerating mistreatment or uncomfortable situations. Dr. Cynthia encourages listeners to teach their children the value of being surrounded by love and kindness and not accepting relationships based on financial assistance or negativity. She emphasizes the importance of being around people who truly enjoy each other's company.   Key Takeaways:   Prioritize self-care and set boundaries for a less stressful holiday season. Be proactive in managing triggers and focus on positive solutions. Delegating tasks and accepting help can make holidays smoother and more enjoyable. Teach your children to value relationships based on love and kindness.   Resources: Dr. Cynthia Hauver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Ever wondered how a breast cancer diagnosis affects not just the patient but the entire family? What can you do to navigate the complex healthcare system and maintain a sense of normalcy in your life? This podcast episode explores the journey of a breast cancer survivor and offers valuable insights into dealing with a diagnosis.   Our guest Christa, a breast cancer survivor, shares her remarkable journey from diagnosis to thriving. She speaks about the emotional and physical challenges she faced, her experience with taking Tamoxifen, and the impact on her family, especially her children. With over a decade of personal experience, Christa discusses her transformation into a board-certified health coach and nutrition specialist. She also talks about the importance of advocacy, helping others navigate the complex healthcare system.   From the emotional toll of the diagnosis and treatment to the practical challenges like dealing with insurance companies, Christa's story is a testament to resilience and determination.   Key Takeaways:   Facing a cancer diagnosis requires clarity on your needs and desires to effectively manage your journey. Accepting help from others is easier when you clearly outline your treatment plan, childcare, and home care requirements. Becoming an advocate for your healthcare can make the journey smoother and more manageable.   Resources: Christa Tyler's Website Christa Tyler on Instagram Dr. Cynthia Hauver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Have you ever wondered how to strike a balance between discipline and understanding with your child, especially if they're strong-willed or involved in multiple activities? In this podcast episode, Dr. Cynthia Hawver has a conversation with her nine-year-old son, Lucas Hawver. They touch upon various aspects of parenting and child development. Lucas shares his perspective on sports, school, and even recounts some mischievous childhood adventures, like hiding his grandma's phone. Throughout the discussion, Dr. Hawver emphasizes the importance of consistency in parenting and the need for children to learn balance. She also highlights the significance of validating a child's feelings and maintaining open communication.   The episode delves into the significance of allowing children to express their emotions and the role of validation. Dr. Hawver underlines that listening and acknowledging a child's feelings can prevent them from internalizing problems and feeling responsible for issues in the family.   Key Takeaways:   Consistency in parenting is vital for raising well-rounded children. Setting and maintaining boundaries helps children understand limits and expectations. Don't overload children with too many extracurricular activities. Listening to children's emotions and validating their feelings can prevent them from internalizing issues.   Resources: Dr. Cynthia Hauver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

In this episode, I sat down with my son, Thomas, to discuss what it's like to be an 11-year-old in a world that's constantly changing. We covered various topics, from school and family dynamics to sibling relationships and personal experiences.   We started by discussing Thomas's experience in fifth grade, a year he described as one of the most challenging in his life. The difficulty wasn't just with schoolwork but also the changing dynamics in his relationships with friends and teachers. He highlighted how school had become less fun, with fewer parties and more demanding academic work.   Another highlight of the conversation was the book Thomas wrote, "Clay's Wild Adventure." He explained how he wrote it for his younger brother, Lucas, who had thoroughly enjoyed the story. Thomas shared that his motivation for writing the book stemmed from his own experience with social anxiety, as he hoped to help other kids going through similar challenges.   In our conversation, we explored Thomas's experience in fifth grade, the changing dynamics of school, and the importance of interactive teaching methods. We also discussed his summer activities, including playing the saxophone and writing a book to help kids with social anxiety.   Key Takeaways:   Engaging teaching methods can enhance the school experience for students. Teachers have the power to influence a child's love for learning. Sibling relationships are a blend of challenges and special connections.   Resources: Dr. Cynthia Hauver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

In this podcast episode, I reflect on my experiences with female friendships and mastermind groups and how they've shaped my life. I begin by recounting a particularly challenging period in my life, losing my mother and stepfather within six months and the cathartic experience of eulogizing them in a joint funeral. It was a moment of realizing the importance of deep connections with women.   Next, I discuss the benefits of joining high-level women's groups, emphasizing the power of support, networking, collaboration, accountability, diverse perspectives, skill development, emotional well-being, increased confidence, and personal growth. These groups have provided me with invaluable encouragement and have been instrumental in boosting my self-esteem and confidence.   The key lesson from this episode is that surrounding yourself with like-minded, high-achieving women can be a catalyst for personal and professional growth. The right group offers support, accountability, diverse perspectives, and opportunities for skill development, leading to increased self-confidence and emotional well-being.   Key Takeaways:   Female friendships and mastermind groups can have a profound impact on personal and professional growth. Support, encouragement, and accountability within these groups are essential for self-improvement. Diverse perspectives and skill development opportunities in these groups foster creativity and problem-solving. Joining a high-level women's group can lead to increased self-confidence and emotional well-being. Surrounding yourself with like-minded women can be a catalyst for personal growth and empowerment.   Resources: Dr. Cynthia Hauver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

In this episode, I delve into the crucial topic of reparenting ourselves, a process that involves healing and nurturing our inner child to overcome the generational patterns and trauma that may have been handed down through our family. I begin by emphasizing the significance of recognizing and breaking free from these patterns to provide our children with the emotional support and self-care that I might have lacked in our own upbringing. I explain how our sense of self-esteem is deeply intertwined with our ability to engage in self-care. To prioritize self-care, we must first believe that I deserve it, a belief often influenced by our childhood experiences. I highlight the commonality of growing up in dysfunctional homes where children may have felt the need to bury their needs, feelings, and the need for love. This suppression can make it challenging to be vulnerable or even understand our own needs later in life. I emphasize that healing and reparenting ourselves are essential because the patterns formed during our childhood have a lasting impact on our self-esteem and emotional well-being as an adult. These patterns can lead to behaviors like overeating, overdrinking, codependency, or overachievement as I seek external validation and love to fill the void created by unmet needs. Reparenting ourselves elf is a challenging but transformative journey. Change is possible, but it requires self-compassion, recognizing unmet needs, setting boundaries, and practicing self-care. Seeking support is crucial, and healing from past wounds can lead to healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life. Key Takeaways: Recognizing and breaking free from generational patterns and trauma is essential for personal growth. Childhood experiences significantly impact our self-esteem and emotional well-being as adults. Reparenting involves cultivating self-compassion, identifying unmet needs, setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and seeking support. Change is possible, and healing from past wounds can lead to healthier relationships and personal growth.   Resources: Dr. Cynthia Hauver's website: drcynthiah.com and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Have you ever felt drained and exhausted after spending time with a certain person? In this episode, I discuss the concept of energy vampires. These toxic people can be friends, partners, or family. You'll leave this episode knowing how to set boundaries with people who drain your vitality and enthusiasm for life. This episode begins with defining the characteristics of toxic people. A toxic person has the tendency to take on a victim mentality, have traits of being self-centered, are filled with negativity (you can feel it), and they have a knack for making everything about themselves. Recognizing these traits within our inner-circles becomes crucial. Additionally, I shed light on the challenges of establishing boundaries with toxic family members, which has intricacies that can be challenging. The conversation delves further into the repercussions of toxic relationships. I emphasize how energy vampires employ manipulation and drain our optimism, leading to guilt and ultimately affecting our mental and physical well-being. Furthermore, we delve into why individuals find it challenging to remove toxic individuals from their lives. This can be due to strong family loyalty, history, guilt, and fear. In a future episode I will discuss codependence and how this can relate to keeping energy vampires in your life. The key takeaway from this episode centers on recognizing and addressing toxic relationships to safeguard our overall well-being. Although severing ties with toxic individuals might prove challenging, the long-term impact on our mental and physical health is profound. Prioritizing self-care and actively establishing boundaries can pave the way for positive transformations. And as I always say, life is too short not to be happy.   Key Takeaways: Energy vampires are individuals who deplete our energy and enthusiasm, leaving us drained. Recognizing toxic people is imperative due to their victim mindset, self-centeredness, and negativity. Effectively addressing toxic relationships is essential for our mental and physical well-being. Having a Toxic person in your life leads to burnout. They be the one making it hard to pull out of early burnout which can lead to 3rd degree burnout.   Resources: Take my free mama burnout quiz at www.mamaburnout.com and become part of my mama community. Once you're on my list, you will receive valuable weekly content designed for moms over 40 and you'll be in the know on how we can work together. If you want to more about me, head on over to my website at www.drcynthiah.com  and you can find me on the socials @dr.cynthiahawver

Have you ever found yourself constantly drained by toxic relationships and overwhelmed by obligations? What if I told you there's a powerful tool to change this cycle? In this episode, I dive deep into the art of setting boundaries – a crucial skill that can transform your life. I share my insights as a certified coach, discussing why people often resist change and explaining the connection between boundaries and self-worth. I emphasize that we teach people how to treat us, and provide practical examples of how to communicate assertively, even in challenging situations. We explore the fear of disappointing others, the liberating power of saying "no," and the need to prioritize our own well-being. The essence of setting boundaries lies in understanding that we can't change others, only ourselves. People tend to resist change unless forced by a significant event. We need to teach others how to treat us by modeling self-respect. Assertiveness, can often be mistaken for aggressiveness, which is actually not true. A crucial aspect is to consider both our rights and the other person's rights when being assertive. Setting boundaries isn't about being selfish; it's about preserving our energy and mental health. Practicing the art of saying "no" and evaluating requests that life places on us daily, can lead to life-changing transformations. Boundaries are the essential foundation for balanced relationships and self-care. Learning to set boundaries involves becoming assertive and recognizing that disappointment from others is natural but manageable. The impact of setting boundaries can be profound, leading to healthier connections and a more fulfilling life. Key Takeaways: Boundaries teach others how to treat us and are essential for self-care. Saying "no" with grace and love can be transformative. Prioritize your time, delegate, and stop overcommitting to prevent burnout. Resources: Take my free mama burnout quiz at www.mamaburnout.com and become part of my mama community. Once you're on my list, you will receive valuable weekly content designed for moms over 40 and you'll be in the know on how we can work together.

Have you ever wondered how you can truly take care of your kids while ensuring you take care of yourself? Hey there, it's Dr. Cynthia Hawver, and in this episode of the Mama Shrink Podcast, we're diving deep into a topic close to my heart: self-care for moms. As a licensed psychologist and certified coach, I've witnessed the struggles many moms face in balancing their own needs with the demands of parenting. While I'm not a substitute for mental health care, I'm here to discuss the importance of self-care and how it directly impacts your role as a mother. We kick off by exploring the guilt that often accompanies the idea of self-care. Contrary to popular belief, prioritizing self-care isn't selfish; it's essential. I emphasize that neglecting self-care can actually lead to feelings of emptiness and burnout, inadvertently making us less available to our loved ones. During this episode, I tackle the issue of judgment and perfectionism. I share my personal experiences as a people pleaser, highlighting the fear of what others might think when we take time for ourselves. The truth is, it's okay to let go of these worries and set a positive example for our children by demonstrating self-care. We then delve into the challenge of finding time for self-care. I urge you to question the belief that there's never enough time and to recognize that if something truly matters, we can make time for it. Remember, making time for self-care doesn't have to be complicated – even a few minutes a day can make a significant difference. The heart of this episode centers around the concept that self-care is a gift – a gift to yourself, your family, and your children. The key takeaways are simple but profound: let go of guilt and "shoulds," challenge the fear of judgment, release the pursuit of perfection, and make even small moments of self-care a priority. By nurturing yourself, you're setting the foundation for a healthier and happier life for both you and your loved ones.   Key Takeaways: Self-care is not selfish; it's necessary for effective parenting. Guilt, judgment, and perfectionism often hinder self-care efforts. Making time for yourself is a crucial aspect of maintaining well-being. Small acts of self-care can have a significant impact on mental health. Prioritizing self-care sets a positive example for your children.   Resources: Mama Shrink Podcast: Website Dr. Cynthia Haver's Website: http://www.drcynthiah.com Connect with Dr. Cynthia on Social Media: @dr.cynthiahawver National Suicide Crisis Line https://988lifeline.org/ - Call or text 988 if you're struggling with a mental health issue.

Have you ever experienced a time when life's challenges piled up like a mountain, leaving you wondering how you'd ever find your way back to happiness? In this episode, I'm sharing my personal journey through a tumultuous period that reshaped my entire life. As I reflect on my return to podcasting after a hiatus marked by unexpected events, I delve into the raw and unfiltered emotions I experienced during this time. From the onset of the COVID pandemic, which forced my psychology practice online, to the loss of my beloved rescue dog and, heartbreakingly, the passing of my mother and stepfather within months of each other, life threw its weight at me. I take you through my reactions, my responsibilities, and the toll it all took on my mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Amid the chaos, my initial optimism about navigating the pandemic transformed into a mental and emotional rollercoaster. The challenges of homeschooling, adapting my practice, and facing the reality of my own mortality after losing my mother to Covid lead to a total life makeover and taking big action. I share my experience with 3rd degree burnout and how I am getting out. This episode also touches on the lasting impact Covid has taken on our children. The loss of my mother hit me like a tidal wave. Despite the complicated relationship we shared, the shock of losing my mom was profound. And on top of this loss was the inability to grieve as I was thrust into the daily demands of caring for my step father, caring for my  young children, and running my psychology practice. Through these trials, I've learned valuable lessons that I hope to share. Firstly, seeking therapy is essential, especially during times of grief and difficulty. Secondly, self-care is crucial, but there are moments when it may not be enough to combat burnout. Lastly, recognizing the need to address burnout and seek support is a powerful step towards recovery. The hard part is that burnout is hard to see while you are in it and that is where I come in. It took a life crisis of losing my mom to wake me up and start healing from the decade of burnout I had been living in.   Key Takeaways: Life's challenges can accumulate, leading to burnout and emotional strain. Grief and loss impact everyone differently, even in complex relationships. Balancing care for oneself, family, and work requires acknowledging personal limits and seeking help. Burnout is not easy to recognize and comes in three stages. Older moms starting a family are at higher risk due to being in a “sandwich situation.”   Resources: For skilled therapy during times of difficulty, consider seeking help from licensed professionals. If you want to see which stage of burnout you are in, take my free burnout quiz at www.mamaburnout.com

Going through the adoption process isn’t a walk in the park. It can be filled with stress and anxiety as much as it is filled with excitement and love. And to help you navigate this journey, you will need to have certain individuals who can help you. This is why I truly recommend having three important people in your “team” to help you go through the process as informed, knowledgeable, and sane as possible. If you’re going through the adoption process right now, already start to ook for people who are willing to support you in this journey. It won’t be easy because you’ll need to fit the right fit for you. So starting early will be an advantage on your end.  When you are[04:14] The first thing that is really important is to have a good paediatrician. Look for someone who is willing to accept you and a partner that is relevant to be part of this process with you.[05:24] Having a paediatrician can help you be properly informed about medical things that can come up during the adoption process.[10:15] The second person you will also need is a counselor or psychologist for yourself that understands infertility and adoption. Someone you can talk to and process your feelings with and help manage your stress and anxiety during this time will be beneficial for you. This person can really help support you in your journey.[13:13] The third person is a private attorney outside of an agency or, if you’re working with an attorney, having another attorney who specializes in adoption law in your team is important too. Adoption is a risk. Someone who can help you understand and guide you through the laws and rights you need to know.[15:47] When you are going through this you are going to be emotionally vulnerable and wanting that baby very much. Having these three people to guide you will be so important. You are emotionally invested going through this and you need people on the outside who understand the other pieces of it that are hard to look at when all you want to do is become a mom. 5 Day intensive workshop on Navigating the Adoption Process Cynthia Hawver Website Cynthia Hawver Facebook Cynthia Hawver Instagram Cynthia Hawver LinkedInEmail: drcynthia@soulfuladoption.comFreebie: The Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew When Going Through The Adoption Process

One of the most important concepts you need to think about when going through the adoption process is whether you want to have an open adoption, semi-open adoption, or a closed adoption. In this episode, I’m going to tell you more about it and the things you need to consider when making this very big decision.You need to figure out what’s going to be best for you, your child and your future. This is not an easy decision for people to make because there are so many considerations you have to think about. It’s important that you are able to equip yourself with knowledge. Read and research about it.It’s okay to have mixed feelings, that’s normal. But make sure that what you’re going to be okay with the choice you make because it’s going to affect you and your child for the rest of your lives.[07:47] In open adoptions, there’s a fully open relationship. It can be really open where you have contact with the birth mother or family on a weekly basis. The birth and adoptive families can exchange information, names, or even have get togethers.[07:59] In semi-open adoptions the communications go through an agency such as sending letters, pictures every so often. Sometimes, it can also be arranging meetings with the birth family. The agency serves as the mediator between the birth and the adoptive families.[09:43] Closed adoptions are more rare. There is no contact, information or exchange of anything. This mostly happens with international adoptions because children come from orphanages. But sometimes there are records on the birth family. Closed adoptions are very rare now in the United States.[11:14] At the time of the adoption, birth mothers or parents decide what kind of adoption they want. This was originally not put into law until recently. It has been made part of the legal adoption agreement because some people have not been following through on what they originally talked about.[12:25] You have to know what kind of adoption you’re okay before adopting. Adoption and agreements are not a one size fits all model.[14:50] Some moms love open adoption but there are others who feel threatened by it. On the adoptive mom’s side, it can cause a lot of stress and anxiety.[16:15] If you are entering into the adoption process, ask yourself what your comfort level is. You have to be okay with what you decide on because you have to live with it for the rest of your life.[17:57] Adoption is always a journey. What’s best for a child may be different from a teenager’s. This is why we can’t have a one size fits all model because you want to have an open dialogue with your child as they grow.[18:40] It is important to tell your child that they are adopted and to talk about it from a young age.[20:42] In closed adoptions, sometimes there’s really no choice. It’s either they were adopted internationally or their birth mother or parents don’t want to have contact. It is sometimes hard for children as they grow older to not be able to understand where they come from, who their birth parents are. At some point, a child will want to know these things. To not have this information is really difficult on a kid.[21:56] In a semi open adoption, there are also cases where birth mothers don’t want to have contact. WIth agencies, you can still send photos and they still keep records of the birth mother’s name. At some point in time, your child will still have access to that.[24:20] As a psychologist, I come from the philosophy of everyone has a different experience because we’re always going to look out for the best interest of the child.[25:28] When you are filling out the paperwork and deciding what adoption is right for you, consider these things - what you want and what you are comfortable with. These are hard decisions to make. Read about it, do you research, and make your decision based on the best interest of the child. Links: Cynthia Hawver Website Cynthia Hawver Facebook Cynthia Hawver Instagram Cynthia Hawver LinkedInEmail: drcynthia@soulfuladoption.comFreebie: The Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew When Going Through The Adoption Process

Mother’s day is just around the corner. In this episode I want to talk about coping with this holiday through infertility, through the decision to adopt, and the waiting process. I know that this can be a very difficult time. It can feel overwhelming because it is a big reminder of something we really want to have in our life but don’t.The biggest message I can leave you with today is that it’s okay to have feelings of grief and allow yourself to feel the space to have these emotions, in whatever way feels best to you.Coping with Mother’s Day isn’t “a one size fits all” mentality.[04:45] The number one thing is be kind to yourself and realize that your feelings are valid. Everyone has their own journey through adoption. It’s a process. A lot of times it’s just giving yourself that space.[09:06] Mother’s day is always looked at as this joyful day and I think we have to remember that for many it is not. There’s comfort in taking a deep breath and knowing that you are not alone and for many this day is really sad and overwhelming. That’s a natural reaction. Allow yourself to have those feelings.[11:53] If it’s really feeling like a struggle to you, avoid uncomfortable situations during mother’s day such as dining out.[14:33] I’m a big believer in self-care for moms, moms-to-be and those who are waiting to adopt a baby. Self-care may look a little different during COVID19 but there are still many things that you can do to care for yourself.[16:54] Don’t put all your energy into the fact that it’s mother’s day. It’s really important to say that “it’s just another day.” It’ll help make it easier for you to get through this day and move on.[17:50] Don’t get on social media because you’re going to be flooded with all sorts of things. If you get on social media to be part of a support group that is helping you, that’s great. But make sure it is comforting and leaves you feeling better. Some of the support groups out there don’t always leave you feeling hopeful.[18:38] Do something you really enjoy, anything that feels like a treat for you to help you feel better. Avoid things that may bring you to a bad place such as over drinking and overeating. Although if it this does happen, give yourself the grace of forgiving yourself for that...you are doing the best you can right now.[22:12] Crying can also be a form of self-care. It’s okay to cry and let your feelings out. Another important thing is to surround yourself with people with make you feel good and not depleted.[23:35] On this day, I want you to keep the message in your mind that “Today you take care of you.” Even more so than other days. You have the right to do that. You have the right to say no to engage in things that make you feel sad. You have the right to have your feelings if you are sad.[24:37] Meditate, pray, and get in touch with your inner soul. What is your intuition trying to tell you that you need? Making sure you go through the day breathing and knowing that it’s going to be okay. Give yourself the hope and the knowing that at some point you’re going to become a mom and it’s going to be okay and you are going to be celebrating mother’s day in the future![26:14] And when you do become a mom, I bet you are going to be more grateful than most people are on this day. Hold it close to your heart. It will happen. It’s a hard journey but you will survive this and get through it. Links:Dr. Cynthia Hawver WebsiteDr. Cynthia Hawver FacebookDr. Cynthia Hawver InstagramDr. Cynthia Hawver LinkedInEmail: drcynthia@soulfuladoption.comFreebie: The Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew When Going Through The Adoption Process

There are several different ways you can go about adopting a child. You need to go within yourself and see what feels right for you. There are many things to consider so try to base it on what feels best for you.In this episode, my goal is to get you more in touch with the best adoption type for you and how you go about figuring that out. Adoption is a lifelong commitment and you want to make sure it’s the right one.[06:06] You are free to choose the kind of adoption you want to have. Don’t be swayed by other people’s opinions. Your decision should come from within yourself.[07:01] For me, as a psychologist, I knew that I couldn’t handle a foster-to adopt situation.[08:10] With adoption, we have choices. That should be looked at as a benefit since there are many risks that come with adoption.[12:12] My husband and I had a lot of discussions before making our decision and thankfully, I was able to put away money so we were able to afford domestic newborn adoption.13:29 International adoption was how we started out but the rules started to change and we were able to pull out, which looking back was the best decision for us.[13:55] Each type of adoption presents its own set of obstacles and you need to be prepared as best as you can be.[14:15] With any international adoption you have to look closely because there are a lot of laws and issues that are continually changing.[17:00] As you go through the adoption process, pay attention to what feels good in your gut. Your intuition is so important when choosing the right fit for your adoption journey.[18:40 ] Always do your research before making a decision and weigh the pros and cons of what will work best for you.[19:00] Going through an agency felt best to us for many reasons.[20:25] There are really important things you want to be able to ask an agency or an attorney when going through the adoption process.[21:03] Do you want an open, close or semi-open adoption. Most domestic newborn agencies are moving more towards open or semi-open adoption which means that there likely will be life-long contact with the birth mother.22:05] When adopting domestically through the domestic new-born program, the birth mother has the ultimate say in who she wants to parent her child. Links:Dr. Cynthia Hawver WebsiteDr. Cynthia Hawver FacebookDr. Cynthia Hawver InstagramDr. Cynthia Hawver LinkedInEmail: drcynthiahawver@soulfuladoption.comFreebie: The Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew When Going Through The Adoption Process

One of the questions I get quite often when working with women dealing with infertility is how to know if they’re ready to adopt. It’s a hard question. A very personal decision and one that no one truly should or can answer but you.In this episode, I want to give you things to think about and hold in your heart as you make the decision of adoption. I’ll be sharing how I got to this decision and things that I’ve heard from women on how they got to that point.For many people, it can be a hard question to figure out. You need to go deep within and ask yourself “does this feel right?” And give yourself time to allow answers to come to you. I hope this episode serves you and helps you know if adoption is right for you. [02:49] It’s important to feel gratitude that you are going to become a mom. That helped me so much when I made the decision to pursue adoption.[04:31] Most of the people I love and that are closest to me in my life, are not biologically related to me. When I really thought about that, it helped me with my decision.[07:33] My husband was more ready to adopt that I was at first and I wanted to make sure I felt the same way as he did. You can’t talk your partner into adopting, it’s not fair to the child you are bringing home to join your forever family. There should be no hesitation from any party.[10:35] I didn’t care how I was going to be a mom. I just wanted to be a mom. The genetics didn’t matter to me. When I switched my mindset to adoption, everything just felt so much more hopeful.[13:26] We need to look at adoption as an advantage. Adoption is a choice. We have some aspects of control that are important to look at.[15:26] It’s so important to be able to look at your child and say “we both wanted you so much.” We both wanted this without hesitation.” That’s part of their journey and it’s so important for your children. We can’t go into adoption being selfish.[16:15] With adoption, it gives us a lot of time to think and make decisions. Visualizing and meditating on this is so important. [17:11] When you approach adoption with a feeling of gratitude, you start to lose the sadness over not being able to conceive, and that’s when I think you know you’re ready. You have to grieve infertility before jumping into adoption.[18:43] Adoption should never be a second choice. It should be THE choice.[20:11] If adoption is right for you, you will find that you can create the most amazing and beautiful family. Links:Dr. Cynthia Hawver WebsiteDr. Cynthia Hawver FacebookDr. Cynthia Hawver InstagramDr. Cynthia Hawver LinkedInEmail: drcynthiahawver@soulfuladoption.comFreebie: The Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew When Going Through The Adoption Process 

In today’s podcast I want to share my personal story and journey of how I became a mama. This is my holiday miracle and the one I am always most grateful so it felt good to share it on a day that is all about giving thanks. I get asked a lot about adoption, especially when people see us with our 2 boys who are both bi-racial.I am sensitive in sharing this story from my perspective as my kids will someday have their own adoption story. There are parts of my journey removed to protect their birthmother’s and things that I am not comfortable sharing publically.Adoption is a whole other level of becoming a mom. It’s very different from how other women become moms in terms of trying to get pregnant and being able to conceive. I often refer to it as an emotional rollercoaster because there are so many highs and lows and unknowns that being able to conceive does not bring.My boys were meant to be mine....I know that for sure. In this story you will see the signs and miracles that took place that brought them to my husband and I. We may not be connected biologically but we are connected a soul level which I will take any day over genetics. I hope this story helps all moms unable to conceive to have hope that you can become a mom through the amazing gift of adoption.[04:06] I never thought we might have a problem getting pregnant. And we did. For those of you out there who have struggled with infertility I’m sure you understand that every month that you don’t get pregnant feels so sad and so discouraging.[04:28] When I was in my 20s, I worked hard to not get pregnant. Then all of a sudden in my 30’s when I wanted to get pregnant, I couldn’t.[05:19] After going through tests and numerous doctors and being told that our chances of conceiving were about 30%, even with IVF. And the cost of IVF was around $25,000 at the time for three tries and our odds were low. I am not a gambler and I also was not thrilled with the thought of injecting hormones into my body.[08:44] My husband had mentioned that he always wanted to adopt. After a period of trying, he and I sat down and talked about adopting. And the group forums I read on failed IVF was incredibly depressing.[10:08] One day I picked up a book on adoption and I remember reading the words “Congrations you are going to become a mom.” Everything in my soul changed that day and shifted towards adoption. I felt excited and hopeful for the first time in a very long time.[10:32] There are so many options for adoption. You need to be ok with the adoption path you choose. We looked into the different options and decided to go with domestic newborn adoption.[16:23] We began our journey - mounds of paperwork, meetings with social workers, home visits, and interviews. You have to go into it with an open heart and not be frustrated with the process.[22:49] When you go through the adoption journey, listen to your gut because there were so many things that were happening during the process that weren’t making any sense to me that I should have listened to. It’s sad because when you are in that process, you want so much to become a mom that you’re willing to overlook things that maybe you shouldn’t.[29:10] People that have not gone through domestic newborn adoption journey, they don’t realize that when you do it every state has different laws. People can change their minds. It’s a really big risk. It’s an emotional roller coaster.[30:20] We had a failed adoption experience and I had to grieve for the child we were supposed to adopt like grieving a miscarriage. I went through a lot of anger and sadness.[33:50] We told our social worker that we wanted to be back in the books on January 2nd. This was not an easy decision to make and was actually quite scary. On January 4th 2012, our social worker called and told us we were matched. It was truly a miracle. 2 weeks before I was heartbroken and now we had to pull ourselves together to go and get our little boy (Thomas) who was waiting for us. We drove all night, got to Virginia and we when I met Thomas for the first time, I knew in my heart that HE was my baby.[42:43] We then decided to adopt again when Thomas was 16 months old. We got a call in December saying that a birth mother had picked us but we said no the first time because of issues with the birth father. The birth mother refused to pick any other family but us and by the third time we felt safe enough to say yes. On New Years Eve 2012 we went to New Jersey to pick up or second son Lucas and we became a family of 4 before the clock struck midnight. Second miracle indeed.

I never thought that I would be starting the Soulful Adoption Podcast with this topic. The whole world is dealing with COVID-19 today but not everyone is dealing with it like you are. If you are a mom-to-be going through the adoption process during this pandemic, please know that you are not alone.I want to be able to support you through this time by offering you my own personal knowledge and psychological training through this podcast. We are going to talk about dealing with adoption during COVID-19. I hope that it helps you in some way to put you on the right track during this trying time.Everything you are going through in the adoption process can be stressful, even more so during the COVID-19 pandemic. So give yourself time, conserve your energy, and try to lift your spirits up under these circumstances. Here are some tips I want to leave you with:[07:23] Embrace this time with your partner. Take this time to become closer, talk about your goals as becoming parents and bringing a new baby into your life. Enjoy this time together and do things that you want to do like decorating your new baby’s room, writing a poem, painting - whatever it is that will keep you busy and still connected to becoming a mom.[10:16] If you are getting ready to create your adoption profile, this would be a great time to look through pictures you want to include. Pick out the ones that you want to use in your adoption profile. It could be a nice thing to do and make you feel like in control during this turbulent time.[11:07] Self-care, not just during this time but all the time, is so important. Take this time to pamper yourself. You can certainly do this at home by doing simple things that make you happy such as taking a long bath, reading a book, getting extra sleep, cooking, watching Netflix, going for a walk. Believe me, you’ll be happy you did it. It will fuel your soul.[13:55] Sometimes self-care can be just as much about what you need to remove from your life as what you need to add to your life. Protect your energy and keep your energy in a good space.[14:20] If you can, decrease your news consumption. The more news we take in, the more it can lead to anxiety increasing. Read snippets and then move away because these can be addicting. You’re already dealing with the adoption process during a pandemic so you’ve got to protect your energy.[15:34] You’re allowed to have your feelings right now and you’re allowed to talk to other people about those feelings that are coming up.[16:01] You need to be connected with your adoption attorney or adoption agency and feel that you can express your concerns and get your questions answered.[17:05] Take care of yourself. Do what you need and want to do. Links: Cynthia Hawver Website Cynthia Hawver Facebook Cynthia Hawver Instagram Cynthia Hawver LinkedInEmail: drcynthiahawver@soulfuladoption.comFreebie: The Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew When Going Through The Adoption Process

In this episode I am going to be sharing with you some big changes that are about to happen on Mama Shrink. I have loved doing the Mama Shrink podcast. It has been fulfilling and wonderful sharing advice with people. I’ve also gotten great feedback that it has helped them and that means the world to me. However, in the online world, it’s important to focus on a particular niche. And for the longest time I’ve wanted to serve Mamapreneurs. But, it’s also a flooded market and a very hard market to reach.This is why I’ve decided to switch gears this 2020 and it’s what I’m going to talk about in this episode of Mama Shrink. [02:10] I started to think about where I can niche down into a particular area where I want to help and a couple of things came up for me such as eating disorders and lyme disease but there were also some considerations I had.[06:01] It dawned on me that I needed to focus on helping moms and moms-to-be go through domestic newborn adoption. It felt so right and clear to me because I’ve been through it. I have beautiful boys and a family because of adoption and I feel hopeful about that. There are so many moms-to-be that need help to do that.[07:51] Starting next week, I’m going to rename the podcast to Soulful Adoption, which means a lot to me.[09:40] If you know of anyone who’s going through the adoption process, please have them follow me and subscribe. Each week I’m going to dive in new topics more so domestic newborn adoption because that’s my area of expertise.[13:04] I want to be the real voice of adoption and talk about the hard things that some people aren’t talking about.

This is the last part of my series on discussing eating disorders. Today I’ll be talking about helping and supporting people in recovery. I’ll be discussing things that you should and shouldn’t say to people who have gone through an eating disorderMost often than not, people don’t get what recovering individuals are going through. People in recovery are very sensitive to their environment, things that are being said to them, and comments they receive. And that’s the part I really want to focus on today because it can set back people in recovery.If you are a parent, partner or child of someone who has an eating disorder - these are the things that are important to remember.

Last week, I talked about my journey with anorexia nervosa. Today, I’m going to dive into the 3 main types of eating disorders and give you some facts, statistics and things to look out for in case you have an eating disorder or know someone who does.Eating disorders are all really about control. It’s also about feeling anxiety, loneliness and depression. Food becomes a source of comfort and it’s always there. Once you have an eating disorder, you’ll always have it.I am doing a 3-part series on this topic because I know that it is super important. I want people to be aware of it and be able to help themselves or people who they know who have these disorders. [06:50] The hardest part of recovery is when the symptoms aren’t active because everyone in the outside world thinks you’re okay but inside that’s not how it feels.[10:31] A lot of people who suffer with eating disorders don’t ever get help or they die before they get help.[11:45] 30 million people of all ages and gender suffer from an eating disorder in the United States. Once every 62 minutes, 1 person dies because of an eating disorder.[12:42] Anorexia Nervosa has the highest mortality rate out of any eating disorder. Bulimia Nervosa and Binge Eating Disorder also have high mortality rates. Suicide is a very common thing that can happen with an eating disorder.[12:46] 13% of women over age 50 engage in eating disorder behavior.[16:58] 5.5% of women and 4% of men in the military have an eating disorder.[20:40] 1 in 5 people with anorexia will die of suicide.[26:09] 50% of people who have an eating disorder usually have other psychological diagnosis.[28:33] DSM 5 says that for Anorexia is #1 you need to have the restriction of energy intake leading to signifcant low body weight and the context of age, sex, developmental history and physical health. Significantly low weight is defined as weight that is less than minimally normal for children and adolescents and less than is minimally expected.[33:50] #2 criteria is the intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat or persistent behavior that interferes with weight gain even though their body weight is low.[36:04] #3 criteria is the disturbance in the way one's body shape is experienced and undue influence of body weight or shape in their self evaluation and the lack of recognition or seriousness of the current low body weight.[41:21] Anorexia can be the restricting type or the binge-purge type.[43:00] Bulimia Nervosa definition in the DSM 5 is you have to have both of the following: 1) eating in a discrete period of time within usually a 2 hour period an amount of food that is larger than what most individuals would eat in a similar period of time under the same circumstances. 2) this is followed by a lack of control during the episode and compensatory behavior to prevent weight gain.[50:09] Bulimia is more common than anorexia.[51:39] Bulimia usually has a comorbid disorder. There’s a higher rate of people with bulimia with substance abuse disorder, mostly alcohol.[53:35] Binge Eating Disorder in the DSM 5 is eating a discrete period of time in any 2 hour period as an example amount of food that’s definitely larger than what most people would eat in one period of time under similar circumstances. There’s a lack of control in the eating or how much one is eating.Links:When food is love by Geneen Roth Mama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com

For the longest time, I've been wanting to do a series of episodes on eating disorders. I specialize in this area and I feel that it’s a really important topic that I want to give it justice. If you’ve listened to some of my previous episodes, you already know that I’ve dealth with an eating disorder, too, when I was young. I know how it feels and I want to share it’s seriousness with you in the hopes that you or someone you know will be helped or will reach out for help.This will be a 3 part episode where I talk about my journey, the different eating disorders and some statistics. I want to share with you things like what you need to do to help someone, what you shouldn’t say, the setbacks people with eating disorders experience, and so much more.If you know someone who has an eating disorder, these episodes will be important to share. [05:15] When you are malnourished you don’t have the capacity to think clearly. You won’t remember things clearly.[06:04] My eating disorder started when i was 14. I was never really overweight. I was going through puberty and my body was starting to change.[08:48] It started out as a normal diet to shed a few pounds. I then started to shed those pounds, started to exercise and at one point I was only consuming 500 to 600 calories a day.[09:17] When i started to lose weight people would commend me how I looked great like I’v lost weight. That can be such a trigger to someone.[09:50] wWhen i know someone who’s trying to lose weight, I never talk about it. I believe that we don’t know who can develop an eating disorder. In my brain I was saying, “wow will people say when i lose 20 pounds or 30 pounds at then it doesn’t become enough.”[10:48] When someone has an eating disorder, it’s never enough. The best anorexic is a dead anorexic because there’s no stopping end point and it’s never going to be enough[13:54] You feel control, powerful, because you feel you’re doing something challenging. But in reality, the stuff you’re doing isn’t normal.[19:00] Here’s the thing you have to remember about an eating disorder, especially anorexia. They will tell you “I’m not hungry. I don’t want to eat that.” I was hungry. People with anorexia are hungry. And they will tell you things like “I eat.” but they eat very little.[21:12] I was living in hell on the outside. I was trying to convice everyone I’m fine but inside it was torture. I hated myself, I knew it was never going to be enough. I was extremely depressed, very obsessive compulsive. I wanted to have normal relationships.[27:08] One of the big things that lead people to death with anorexia, which has the highest mortality rate out of all the eating disorders, is suicide. My brain wasn’t working right, I wasn't thinking clearly.[30:07] One day I saw the Karen carpenter story. She died of an eating disorder. She died of congestive heart failure. My mom also stepped up and inspired me to get things right. This was the turning point in my life.[32:05] if I could get someone to shift their thinking towards their recovery , that’s the key. All other things fall into place.[45:20] I share this story with you because I want you to know the seriousness of what can happen when you have an eating disorder. It isn’t just a matter of when you have. It can catch up to you years later. And that’s what I always tell people when they see me.[45:48] I do hope that by sharing this story people are given hope, it gives them the seriousness that you can’t minimize it. It made me find my direction in life as a psychiatrist. 

As a tribute to my upcoming birthday, I've decided to talk about growing older. In my 48 years of existence on this planet, I share with you the top 20 things I have learned in my journey in hopes that it will get you to think about your own life, what you value, and things to consider as you move forward in life.Before I start the episode, I’d like to let you know that I am looking for just a few people to do some 1-on-1 coaching. We will dive deep and change your mindset. If you are interested you can email me at drcynthia@mamashrink.com[04:48] #1 - Always trust your intuition. It’s sometimes hard to find but meditation or checking in with yourself can help you find it. I believe everyone has intuition, you just have to get quiet and ask.[07:18] #2 - Invest in good therapy because doing good therapy can be life changing. I would never have gotten to the place I am today if I hadn’t found a way to heal myself. Therapy helps you with healing and moving on from things that have been holding you back.[09:23] #3 - Don’t live in your past. Sometimes people get stuck in the past, which hinders you from looking forward. That’s where good therapy comes into play because you need to heal in order to move forward. When we’re stuck in the past we’re not allowing ourselves to move forward.[11:20] #4 - Never give up on your dreams. Whatever your dream is, try and find a way to reach it. At least try, even if you don’t achieve it.[17:47] #5 - Never stop learning. There’s always more we can learn. We should be educating ourselves all the time. Whenever you learn something, it’s good for your brain, for you, and for the people around you.[19:02] #6 - Allow yourself to have fun. Life is limited and it shouldn’t always be so serious.[20:07] #7 - Marriage takes hard work. People sometimes aren’t willing to put in the work. But if you are invested in it, it’s the best thing that can happen. If you are happy in front of your children, it’s a gift to them. I also believe that people shouldn’t stay married just to stay married. We all deserve to be happy.[24:28] #8 - Invest in yourself. Invest in self-care in any way that may be. We have to stop feeling guilty about caring for ourselves because if that happens, we have nothing left to give.[27:28] #9 - Live in Integrity. You stick to your word and always be genuine.[28:49] #10 - Value your friendships. Really strong female ties stand the test of any relationship. Your true friends will always have your back and will always be there for you. We need to invest in them. I’m talking about good friends that nourish your soul, make you feel good, that you can cry with, be yourself with, knows you inside out. It’s hard to find a good friend like that so if you found one in your life, nurture it.[29:05] #11 - Blood is not thicker than water. Just because you are related to someone does not mean that you tolerate a relationship with the person if it doesn’t nourish you in some way.[32:47] #12 - Being a mom is the hardest job on the planet and you truly don’t know that until you are one. When you’re a mom your life changes completely. We need to value ourselves for being a mom and give appreciation to other moms on the same journey.[34:38] #13 - Travel! Going places will broaden your view of the world. Travel is so important and I highly encourage it.[37:44] #14 - Time is the most precious resource we have. Try to learn not to waste it. Think about how you spend your time and value it.[39:28] #15 - Always live like it may be your last day. We don’t know when our time might be up. It’s important to spend our time giving to other people and telling them how much we appreciate them.[40:55] #16 - Be kind. Kindness goes a lot farther than anger.[41:50] #17 - Be trustworthy.[43:11] #18 - Forgiveness. Learn how to forgive because it sets you free...[45:22] #19 - Take care of your health while you can.[49:28] #20 - Take care of your skin - take multivitamins, sleep well, and wash your face every single night before going to bed. I swear it works!Links:Mama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com 

In today’s episode, I am going to be sharing with you my thoughts on a question I have gotten so many times: What is the difference between working with a psychologist or working with a coach. I am a clinical psychologist and a coach, so I can speak to both.The work of a psychologist and coach may be similar in some ways but they also differ in many ways. I’m here to teach you the difference and how you can figure out which you need in your life.Before I start the episode, I want to let you know I am offering some limited and exclusive, 1-on-1 coaching. If you ready to delve deep into self-care, saying no, finding balance in your life, becoming assertive, and finding balance (mind, body and soul) to help you live your best life and be the best mom you can be then email me at drcynthia@mamashrink.com or head over to my website mamashrink.com and link to my calendar for a 15 minute session to see if we are a good fit. I am not sure when I will offer this again so if you are interested, please contact me.[04:25] As a psychologist, people come to me because they are usually working on healing something in their life whether past or current. There’s a deeper component behind why they’re coming in. The psychologist dives deep and figures out the layers leading to the diagnoses they are dealing with. People come to mental health professionals usually because they have a certain diagnosis such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, etc.[06:04] I take a positive psychology approach by meeting someone where they are at. Sessions can sometimes move at a slower pace. It depends on where the person is in their life and how ready they are to move past it. Even though I want people to move forward, I am also looking at what got them to the place they are currently at. With psychology, we deal with a diagnosis and look at healing before moving into anything else.[07:39] If someone has a lot of underlying issues, it is recommended that they see a psychologist or therapist before undergoing coaching. You can’t move someone to a higher level (which is what we do in coaching) when they are suffering or not in a place where they are ready to do that.[09:05] Coaches should not be doing coaching! I see people cross this line a lot and it’s dangerous.[10:11] If you are looking for a coach, make sure you know how they became coach....what is there training....rained because anyone can call themselves a coach and it is not a regulated field like psychology. Ask the coach a lot of questions like: the training they have, have they had supervision, coaching programs they’ve gone through, work history with coaching mentors, and the results they have gotten for people.[11:20] There are great coaches out there but you need to be careful. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.[12:20] Contracts are important for coaching because it can protect you but you need to look through it carefully before signing anything.[12:55] Coaching is usually more short term, action-focused, and you’re more accountable so it shouldn’t take as long.  [13:07] When you’re paying for something, you get motivated quickly. With coaching, from the moment the agreement takes place, you are already in action. You’re willing to do the work.[14:07] Health insurance usually pays for therapy.[16:08] Basic principles for coaching: more short term, more motivational, more inspirational, not dealing with a mental health diagnosis, more present and solution-focused, and looks at behavioral outcomes.[17:27] As a therapist, I know when people need to be pushed and when to pull back. With coaching, it’s a lot of pushing you into action and much more motivational.[25:25] Psychology and coaching should be strength-based. Everybody has strengths and we should always looking for this. So we need someone to point it out to us. Links:Mama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com

 Mamas, it is so important to have a good therapist for yourself and for your children if either of you need one. You shouldn’t settle for a therapist just because it’s convenient, they accept your insurance, or because you’ve worked with someone forever and don’t want to start over. In this episode, I’m going to be talking to you about what you need to look for and what you should want regarding good and bad therapy.I’m going to give you some tips and tricks on how to know for sure that the therapist you’re seeing is the right fit for you and your family.[03:33] A lot of times, people continue going to the same therapist because they get comfortable but they’re not really finding that they’re having any change. On the other hand, therapists also have to check how much a client is working in the session or in between sessions. [04:01] A good therapist should educate people on what therapy is and it is not something that should last forever. The goal of therapy is to get the person functioning again, to help them find relationships outside the therapy session that serve them, and to find ways for them to improve. This could vary depending on the person and what diagnosis they are suffering with.[06:18] It’s important to know the differences between psychiatrists, clinical psychologists, licensed social workers and the qualifications they have. [14:38] Some red flags to look for in therapy: if you are not feeling safe and comfortable; you should feel heard - make sure the person is listening to you; you should feel that your therapist likes you; you shouldn’t leave a session feeling embarrassed or shameful; make sure that progress is being made; you want someone who challenges you a bit; make sure that the therapist is professional; the therapist should not seem anxious, distracted or uncomfortable; the therapist should be approachable and you feel completely supported by them; you should not feel like you have to take care of your therapist; your therapist should never touch you or cross a boundary where they are sexual towards you or wanting you to be their friend.[24:47] The things you should look for in a therapist that will be a good fit for you: ask other people what they’ve heard about the practice; go to a someone who specializes in what you need help on; look at the therapeutic style they have; make sure  your personality fits your therapist, that you are connected with them and you feel safe with them; you need to see results; their feedback should be practical and emotionally in tune with what you’re dealing with; therapist needs to understand what you are looking for and what you want to accomplish; you want to feel they’re listening to you and that they remember your story; you should feel like they’re interested in what you’re saying; you should be able to ask questions to them; they should check in on your progress; they believe you can change; make sure they’re keeping up with new treatments, evidence and continuing education; you want to feel safe in their office; therapist should have done their own therapy. [39:16] What to look for in therapists for children: make sure they have experience working with children; that they are connected with your child’s pediatrician should any issues arise; parents have to participate in therapy with their children.  Links:Places to find therapists online:Psychology Today

In today’s episode I want to jump into something a little less heavy than what I’ve talked about last week. Well, it’s still kind of heavy for me and maybe for some of you moms listening.Lately, I’ve noticed a huge transition in my son from turning 7 to 8. But in this episode I will discuss how to not take this personally (even as I cry in the bathroom) and understand the changes they are going through as well. I will end today by discussing warning signs of something more serious that may be going on with your child. [01:54] As a psychologist, I’ve worked with children for years but it is so different being on the mom side of things. I know professionally what is going on but as a mom It affects you when you see your little baby turning into a little boy.[04:27] We need to decipher what normal development and change vs. a mental health issue.[04:51] I know as my son turns eight, it is a defined time. A time in children’s lives where they go through a period of really wanting their independence, where friends are becoming more important, and where fitting in is starting to become part of their life.[05:48] Boys tend to shut down and talk to us less while girls may vocalize more about what’s bothering them and say it out loud. When you’re raising boys it’s important to make sure to always engage in conversation. For me, the time right before bed is a nice time to catch up and check in. I get lots of information from my boys during this time period.[09:35] I just want moms to know that you are not alone. It can feel sad and upsetting when you are navigating this time period. It’s a perfect time to teach our kids about how their actions can hurt others, without making them feel guilty.[11:04] This is a very important time for moms to support and talk to each other because we’re losing our little babies and it’s such a transition. You have less and less control because their peer groups are influencing them way more than what’s going on at home.[11:35] You have to continue to set limits, encourage talking, let them have their space, be aware or what they are doing: all while showing unconditional love. Who said being a mom was going to be easy? They need to know that home is a safe place and that no matter what, they’re going to be loved and accepted.[13:54] Don’t take everything personally and recognize that this is totally normal.[14:20] If you start to see serious changes in your child you should reach out to a mental health professional immediately.[15:15] Some of the things to look out for are: long lasting mood swings, very strong lows and very high highs, extreme fears, really strong defiance, physical changes, and extreme inattention and hyperactivity.[20:50] If your child is having mental health issues, make sure to seek help from an experienced child therapist and get it addressed as soon as possible. Links:Mama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com

I want to dive deeper into the topic of adoption and share with you my own experience of raising children of a different race than my husband and I. This often gets flagged as a very heated topic and I have resisted discussing it until now, but it important and I always I promise to be authentic with all of you.Let me start by saying, “Happy Gotcha Day Thomas!” In honor of my favorite day, the discussion of adoption is perfect. After listening to the episode, please let me know your thoughts and if you know anyone who has gone through transracial adoption, please have them listen to this and connect with me.[03:30] “Gotcha Day”, adoptive parents often celebrate this as it is the day we bring our child home. It is also the day a birth mother decided to do the most brave, courageous, selfless, and loving thing. To me, adoption is the most loving gift in the whole world. It is important for your child who has been adopted to know what a happy day Gotcha Day is. In our home we celebrate Gotcha Day as the day ever.[06:50] Different states have different processes for adoption. Waiting periods can vary from a few days to a month. We have to go through a whole range of things in the adoption world that are pretty scary and uncertain.[09:33] If you are a parent raising children of a different race, you have to do your homework, be sensitive and be culturally aware of the differences. We attended a camp for white parents raising African American children. There were pros and cons to this experience. I would say the greatest pro was that our boys got to see other families that looked like ours. The whole concept of the camp was beautiful but the conversations got a bit sad and hurt my heart sometimes.[15:40] When you are a transracial family, you sometimes don’t know where you fit in. We have faced racial discrimination and for people to say that racism does not exist, does not know what they are talking about.[18:30] Then besides the skill color issue, we also have to deal with language people use with our family. Such as saying the term “real parents” instead of “birth parents.” If you are an adoptive parent and you hear someone ask, “Who are their real parents?”, that crushes your soul. Please be mindful of terms and language that is used when speaking to adoptive parents.[19:35] People think and want to believe that color doesn’t matter. I also want to believe this to be true, but unfortunately it does matter. As my kids grow older I have to teach them how it is to be a brown man in this world and all the things that come along with it. We are lucky because we live in a small community with a good group of friends where people look out for our boys, but the reality is that our community is mostly white.[21:25] One of the things I’ve had to do a lot is politely educate others. We get asked a lot if our boys are twins, “real” brothers, and where they’re from. And as our boys are growing up and understanding more, I need to protect them more. The sad thing is that if my boys were white, I don’t think anyone would ask these questions.[24:23] We’ve experienced covert racism. We do still live in a world of white privilege and believe that we still need to talk about the fact that race is an issue.[28:30] With adoption you always have to be ready with questions, reactions or things that might happen with your children. It’s a beautiful journey but also a hard one. It is not easy to see your child want to wipe away their brown skin and be white.[35:05] One of the things my husband and I want to create is a place where white parents raising kids of a different race can get together and feel accepted. We know how important that is for our children. If you know of anyone who is also looking for this, please have them reach out to me.Links:Mama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com

In the midst of the first week of the new decade, I hope you set intentions and not put too much pressure on yourself this new year.If you listened to my podcast from 2 weeks ago, I talked about the goals I’ve set for myself for this coming year. And today, I’m going to talk about my own experience with reaching those  goals. Personally, it’s very hard for me and it might be hard for you as well to implement changes in your life but it’s important that we check in with ourselves and work hard in keeping our goals. This is why I’ve suggested that you write down your own goals.I am sharing this story with you today in the podcast in the hopes that it can give you some learnings and help you out. I want you to know that you are not alone on this journey - we all feel this way sometimes and it’s perfectly okay.[02:00] My adoption journey with my son, Thomas.[05:01] 3 Goals I have set for myself this new year: Integrity, Alignment and Growth.[06:37] I feel uncomfortable with inviting people into my home but my son, Thomas, wanted to have his birthday party at home. I was so worried about getting my home looking perfect for the party.[08:34] A serendipitous event that made me realize how many opportunities were missing for connection because we are afraid of inviting people to our home. I read the article “In praise of scruffy hospitality” where it talks about how so many of us spend so much time making our house look picture perfect but we forget that our home is where we spend the most time in and a lot of times we just want to invite our friends to our home. But… so many of us don’t invite people over because we’re fearful of what our houses look like. We’re so afraid of what other people will think.[10:18] The truth of the matter is, I don’t pick people who to be friends with based on what their houses look like. I could care less. It’s the people. We just want to spend time with the people.[12:51] My fear of inviting people over to our house came from my experience when i was still young and invited friends over to my house and had an embarrassing experience. But my friends let me know and made me feel that it wasn’t about the house and that they loved going to our house because it was fun. No one cared about our messy house.[16:32] My realization about this experience: I have to find balance and light up a bit. It’s okay. People want to come to your home because they care about you. You don’t want to look back and think, “wow, I missed these memories because I was worried about what people would think coming to my home.” We have to give ourselves a break mommas. If someone comes to your house and judges you, you don’t need that in your life.[20:55] My challenge for you is I want you to invite someone over when your house is a mess and say “okay, I’m going to do it!” and be okay with it. The final thing I’m focusing on this year is growth and when I say growth I mean change. Change is uncomfortable and hard. It’s hard to let people into our lives and see it not perfect.[21:34] Think about the people who seem to be very perfect in your life… are they the most fun, chill, and filled with good energy? I think that imperfection is beautiful. My favorite people are people who are real, honest, who tell the truth, cry, feel crap - and that’s what I want for you. Don’t waste your life on nonsense like making sure your house is perfect.[22:50] Do this for yourself. Invite people into your social network into your house. Do things that are uncomfortable but might bring you the best joy. The people who care about you and love you, they don’t care what your house looks like. Links:Mama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com

Happy new year, mommas!I'm part of a group by James Redmore where he gave us these cards with different quotes. And today I've picked out some of my favorite quotes to share with you and how you can make these happen for you this 2020.I have learned from these quotes myself and I want to share them with you in the hopes that it will inspire you to be more and do more this new year.[2:00] "Expect nothing but appreciate everything"[02:55] "Grateful" - Be grateful and take a moment to have gratitude everyday. It could be the most simplest thing.[04:25] "Don't grow up. It's a trap" - We should never forget how to play and have fun. Do something that doesn't feel grown up. Don't limit your creativity.[06:01] "Everything is effing possible." - If you think there is something impossible in your life, try to rethink that.[07:06] "If you think you don't deserve it, the universe will never ever serve it." - Positive makes positive. There is power in our beliefs, thoughts and energy that we put out.[08:05] "When you realize that you create your own universe, you don't need to fall apart in order for it to get your attention," -[09:32] "Don't believe everything you think." - Our mind is so hard on us sometimes and we really have to change that mindset. When those thoughts come up in your head simply say "cancel" and that word helps my brain think something else.[10:35] "Does this support the life I'm committed to create?" - Always ask yourself is this pointing you to the direction you want to go in the future.[12:40] "Don't worry about what I'm doing, worry about why you're worrying about what I'm doing." - Worrying about what others do is wasted energy.[14:25] "If you're worried about what people think, what you're really saying is that a complete stranger's opinion is more important than your happiness."[16:45] "Stop taking constructive criticism from someone who hasn't constructed anything." - Don't go to people who have not achieved what you want to achieve and ask for advice.[19:49] "You csn't change the world if you can't change your mind." - Change only happens when we start to think differently. It always comes back to out mindset. You have to go deeper in your mind to make those changes.[21:20] "What got you here won't get you there." You have to let go with what no longer serves you in order to be open to new possibilities coming into your life to achieve different results.[22:40] "What is this preparing me for?"[24:10] "You are not limited to who you think you are." - Don't limit and underestimate yourself, especially as women. You can do hard things.[25:30] "There are people in this world that will never become their best until you become your best."[27:00] "Everytime you say 'I don't have the time,' you are avoiding responsibility."[29:29] "Your success is inevitable." - You success will happen!Links:Mama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com  

Merry Christmas, Mommas! Today is the day after Christmas and I hope you all enjoyed the holidays with your kids.Now that we are embarking on a new year and a new decade, I thought I would dive deep into some possibilities for people to think about things that they want going into the new year. These are just some suggestions.Overall, I think you should set more energy to go more into that spiritual part of you this new year. Think about what you want for yoursef, what you want your life to look like in the coming year. I’ll be sharing some of my own thoughts with you to get you thinking how you want to live this next year of your life. [02:58] Integrity - It means so much to have integrity. By integrity I mean you walk the walk, stand behind your word, not promising things you can’t deliver. It feels good to walk the walk, not preaching and telling people but you’re not doing them yourself.[04:57] Alignment - For me, alignment means body, mind and soul all being aligned. When we are in alignment that’s when our best selves start to shine through. When we get very busy as moms, we sometimes don’t know that we’re not in alignment. Once we focus on being in alignment we really start to enjoy our lives more and value our time more. Life doesn’t have to be a constant struggle and hustle.[08:32] Growth - Allowing myself to grow and being uncomfortable with growing. As humans, we are put in this life to grow. Great and hard things happen sometimes but they all teach us a lesson. Figure out what those lessons are and why they are happening to you. That all ties in to growth, expanding yourself, and saying “I’m willing to grow. I want things to be expansive this new year.”[10:10] What is something in the new year that you want to focus on? It may be uncomfortable at times but you have to push through that part of growing and change so that it becomes a normal part of your life that will be easier to accomplish for you. Look at it as something that will better your life and look at the thing that makes it so important - this will be the thing that will motivate you.[11:55] It takes a while for us to change and it’s very important for us to be kind to ourselves in that process. Change is hard. We also have to be okay with failing, disappointment. These are opportunities for learning and growth.[13:00] Write down your goals you have picked for yourself. Sit with it and think of your why. You will have it as a reminder in the new year.[14:40] Look back through your calendar and what you did in the year. Sit with yourself and write down a year in review of your life - see what worked and what didn’t, see what you want to continue to do and see what you want to get rid of. It’s very powerful and wonderful to get in touch with that. I really hope you consider doing this because it’s a really nice way to connect with yourself.[18:30] Don’t be too hard on yourself. Go more deeply in your soul and align with what you want your purpose to be in the new coming year. Links:Mama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com 

Hi Mamas! Welcome back to another podcast episode. Today we are going to talk about Child Bullying. I want to go into 2020 with more positivity.. And this is why I am about tackling this podcast for December.There is a lot going on with our kids and we have to be okay, as parents, in owning what we need to do for our children. As moms, we need to know what we need to do and what we need to be on the lookout for.We need to talk to our kids about Bullying and let them know what it means. We also need to talk to them about their feelings, emotions and know what’s going on in their minds. It’s our duty to know and intervene. And this is my goal for this podcast - to help you understand your children and be aware. It’s a really important topic that needs to be talked about. [2:50] Everything comes back to parenting. What are we doing at home? We have to be honest with that. We need to look at what’s going on.[03:26] In the research that I did for this episode, I chanced upon the talk by Susan Klebold, mother of one of the shooters in Columbine and she said “I wish I listened more than I lectured.” I thought, YES we have to take the time to listen more.[03:53] Unfortunately, as boys grow up, they are less likely to share their feelings. So as moms raising boys, we need to be able to pull information out of them. There’s definitely a genetic component but there’s also an environmental component. We have to stop saying “boys will be boys” No. We are their teachers and we have to stop that from happening.[04:44] Scarlett Lewis (who lost her son in the Sandy Hook Shootings) created the program called ChooseLove.org which is about creating compassion, forgiveness, understanding, having kids understand their emotions and find ways to deal with them. I encourage anyone who is a parent or educator to this site to learn more about it.[06:58] If you have a child who is bullying or you know of a child that is, that’s a huge red flag and it needs to be addressed. We know that people who bully are not happy, they’re struggling, they need help. If your child is engaging in bullying or on the receiving end of bullying, you must get them proper psychological treatment.[08:30] 5 big reasons why kids bully: (1) they don’t have a healthy home life, (2) they don’t feel good about themselves, (3) they feel they can gain popularity by scaring and threatening others, (4) they come from homes with a lot of anger, upheaval, fighting, or neglect, (5) they don’t have a lot of empathy for other people.[10:59] It’s our job as parents to teach them how to be more empathetic. We should also be aware of what you are modeling for them - are you showing them empathy? We need to teach this to kids at a very young age. Kids learn by what we do more than what we say.[12:18] Things you can do to be aware and help your child who may have the tendency to be a bully: (1) stay calm and let your child talk to you. Ask them what’s going on and why they think it’s okay; (2) stay strong in front of your child. Understand instead of lecturing them. (3) get all the facts and talk directly to the other parent; (4) practice with your child how they feel about what they did. If they are bullied, practice with your child how to stay strong.; (5) if your child has been bullied, work with them in increasing their self-esteem; (6) always monitor your child’s social media sites; (7) teach your kid not to be alone with the bully; (8) talk to your child about what they are sharing on social media; (9) make sure they go to therapy; (10) always keep communication open between you and your child; (11) engage your child in activities; (12) find people they admire and tell them stories about how they overcame problems in their life or being bullied - that could be really powerful.[19:25] Kids are very susceptible to being bullied and we are their teachers. As parents, we have to help our kids who are being bullied or the receiver of a bully. We have to address it and not push it under the rug. When kids are engaging in this stuff, it is a big deal. You have to be the one to talk to them that it’s not okay.

Hello Mommas! The holidays are coming in so fast and before we all get busy with life, parties, kids and everything else, I just wanted to talk to you about dealing with the holidays when you’re feeling depressed, down, overwhelmed and anxious. If you are feeling these things, I want to assure you that you are not alone. 90% of people are feeling the exact same way.  Holiday depression and stress is a real thing and it happens even to the best of us.Through this episode, I want to be able to help you find a way to deal and manage with these feelings and suggest some things you can do to make the holidays a bit better for you and your family. I want you to be happy during this season momma’s and I’ll be discussing some things that I know might help you out. [02:32] The holidays are stressful and hard but we are doing Christmas for the kids and, hopefully, for ourselves. So, if we are going to do it, let’s make it a little easier. Take some deep breaths and say “I’m doing this.” Let’s make it fun.[03:52] I want you mommas to take care of yourself during this time of the year. Whatever it is, do something for you.[04:33] For a lot of us, holidays can cause depression and stress. It really is a hard time. Try and think about your kids why you’re doing this. Somtimes it’s hard and brings back bad memories, overwhelm, financial. Try to take care of yourself during this whole season.[06:19] We have to find a way to deal with balancing everything - shopping, family, parties, house guests - to decrease your feeling of overwhelm. If you don’t look at this you may find yourself having a headache, getting physically sick, excessive drinking, overeating, etc. It’s going to find it’s way out and I want to help you find a way to not let that happen.[7:05] New Year’s day can also be another time people feel awful about starting the new year and I don’t want you to feel that way momma’s.[08:25] What can we do to get through the holidays and make it a little bit better? Make a list of realistic expectations - what you can expect from family, kids, friends and your financial state. Don’t overextend yourself. Don’t do it because you’re going to be dealing with stress for a long time if you overspend.[09:56] Set a goal for yourself. What do you want to get out of the holidays? Everyone has their own goal. Make your own goal according to what feels right for you. Don’t take on more than what you are able to do.[11:00] Make a list and prioritize. Have it all set out in your calendar. Get it out of your head and put it on paper, it really helps.[12:11] Think about the holidays as just a day to not put too much pressure on yourself. Try to enjoy it. Plan as much as you can ahead of time so that you don’t get stressed. Don’t compare yourself to others on social media or to past holidays you’ve had. On the holiday, you shouldn’t be on social media.[14:28] If you’re struggling for money, there’s a lot of things that you can do for free. Look at holiday lights, go window shopping, engage in snow play, try to enjoy the whole season.[15:23] Try to celebrate the holidays in a new way. The last thing that I want you to do is agree to participate in a family event that makes you unhappy. Figure out a new tradition or holiday stuff with your immediate family or your kids to make it something new and not keep putting you through stuff that makes you upset.[16:23] Make some time for yourself. Do something nice for you.[17:20] Try to spemd th holidays with people you actually enjoy. It’s hard because we all have people in our family that we have to spend time with, but if you are spending time with them then set some boundaries, keep distance or just don’t go.[17:56] Do something that makes you laugh. Try to make some room during the day to make it fun. It can really make a difference however simple it is.[18:30] Enjoy the moment with your family because you won’t get that back.[19:09] If you feel like you don’t have anyone to spend the holidays with, you can volunteer, go somewhere where there’s other people - nursing homes are a great place, call a friend. 

Happy December, Mamas! Time flew by so fast this year, I don’t even know where the year has gone. In a few weeks we’re bringing in a new year and a new decade which is pretty cool.In this episode today, I really want to focus on the importance of community and finding your peeps. One of the hardest but most common things I see in my practice is a lack of community and social support between people. It is hard and lonely to be in that space because as humans, we are biologically wired for connection.This is why finding a group or community you can belong to is so important. I have my group of peeps: other moms, my business associates, and some on-line groups that I pay to be part of. These are like-minded people who share the same values I have and it makes me feel supported. So I am hoping by the end of this episode, you realize and see the importance of creating community in your life and strive to find a group of your own peeps.[05:0] Humans are social creatures (even introverts) that need a sense of belonging. When we don’t have this, it can lead to loneliness, depression, and/or anxiety.[05:38] When you think about groups of people, people can belong through all sorts of different ways. Get outside your box a little bit, think about your values, what you care about and how you can find people who match your interests and values.[08:25] Think about the groups that are out there even for things that are hard to deal with such as AA. Having peers in the same group, who know how you feel and get you can really make a difference in your life. People want to be around other people who know exactly what they’re feeling before anything is even said.[12:10] In life, we can sometimes feel alone and when we’re able to share that our life with others, it really takes us out of our own head and say - I’m not alone.[16:55] You have to keep looking until you find your people. It comes back to going out and finding people in your community (or even online) that match what you are looking for. In order to do this, you need to understand yourself first and what you are looking for. It’s important that you get in touch with what is important to you and what you value.[21:39] We are hardwired to be part of a community. If you don’t have a community, you can volunteer, join a group, find a therapy or support group. Take a risk and ask someone about groups.[23:08] Don’t stay in groups because you’ve belonged in them forever. Sometimes we change as humans and we grow over time, and as a result, we look for other groups to belong to. That is completely fine.[26:11] Join groups that show support and respect, especially when finding them on-line. I closely monitor my Mama Shrink community and I will not tolerate anyone being disrespectful or hurtful. Groups are for people to feel safe and grow. Find a group that makes you feel all those things. Don’t settle for anything less.[27:19] We are human beings. We need community. We need to find our peeps.Links:Mama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com My new course Setting Boundaries without guilt is now out for sale until Dec 14th. You can find all the information at www.mamashrink.com/boundaries

Happy Thanksgiving, Mamas! In today’s podcast I want to share my personal story and journey of how Mama Shrink became a mama. This is my holiday miracle and the one I am always most grateful so it felt good to share it on a day that is all about giving thanks. I get asked a lot about adoption, especially when people see us with our 2 boys who are both bi-racial.I am sensitive in sharing this story from my perspective as my kids will someday have their own adoption story. There are parts of my journey removed to protect their birthmother’s and things that I am not comfortable sharing publically.Adoption is a whole other level of becoming a mom. It’s very different from how other women become moms in terms of trying to get pregnant and being able to conceive. I often refer to it as an emotional rollercoaster because there are so many highs and lows and unknowns that being able to conceive does not bring.My boys were meant to be mine....I know that for sure. In this story you will see the signs and miracles that took place that brought them to my husband and I. We may not be connected biologically but we are connected a soul level which I will take any day over genetics. I hope this story helps all moms unable to conceive to have hope that you can become a mom through the amazing gift of adoption.[04:06] I never thought we might have a problem getting pregnant. And we did. For those of you out there who have struggled with infertility I’m sure you understand that every month that you don’t get pregnant feels so sad and so discouraging.[04:28] When I was in my 20s, I worked hard to not get pregnant. Then all of a sudden in my 30’s when I wanted to get pregnant, I couldn’t.[05:19] After going through tests and numerous doctors and being told that our chances of conceiving were about 30%, even with IVF. And the cost of IVF was around $25,000 at the time for three tries and our odds were low. I am not a gambler and I also was not thrilled with the thought of injecting hormones into my body.[08:44] My husband had mentioned that he always wanted to adopt. After a period of trying, he and I sat down and talked about adopting. And the group forums I read on failed IVF was incredibly depressing.[10:08] One day I picked up a book on adoption and I remember reading the words “Congrations you are going to become a mom.” Everything in my soul changed that day and shifted towards adoption. I felt excited and hopeful for the first time in a very long time.[10:32] There are so many options for adoption. You need to be ok with the adoption path you choose. We looked into the different options and decided to go with domestic newborn adoption.[16:23] We began our journey - mounds of paperwork, meetings with social workers, home visits, and interviews. You have to go into it with an open heart and not be frustrated with the process.[22:49] When you go through the adoption journey, listen to your gut because there were so many things that were happening during the process that weren’t making any sense to me that I should have listened to. It’s sad because when you are in that process, you want so much to become a mom that you’re willing to overlook things that maybe you shouldn’t.[29:10] People that have not gone through domestic newborn adoption journey, they don’t realize that when you do it every state has different laws. People can change their minds. It’s a really big risk. It’s an emotional roller coaster.[30:20] We had a failed adoption experience and I had to grieve for the child we were supposed to adopt like grieving a miscarriage. I went through a lot of anger and sadness.[33:50] We told our social worker that we wanted to be back in the books on January 2nd. This was not an easy decision to make and was actually quite scary. On January 4th 2012, our social worker called and told us we were matched. It was truly a miracle. 2 weeks before I was heartbroken and now we had to pull ourselves together to go and get our little boy (Thomas) who was waiting for us. We drove all night, got to Virginia and we when I met Thomas for the first time, I knew in my heart that HE was my baby.[42:43] We then decided to adopt again when Thomas was 16 months old. We got a call in December saying that a birth mother had picked us but we said no the first time because of issues with the birth father. The birth mother refused to pick any other family but us and by the third time we felt safe enough to say yes. On New Years Eve 2012 we went to New Jersey to pick up or second son Lucas and we became a family of 4 before the clock struck midnight. Second miracle indeed.

Holidays can be a really stressful time because we deal with so many events and gatherings. Most people go through stress, depression, and many unwanted feelings especially during this season. My goal on this episode is to make the holiday season a bit more enjoyable for you and give you tips on how to get through the holidays happier and less stressed.Often, people have this vision and misconception that everyone or the people around them are all having the time of their lives and everything runs so smoothly during the holidays. We only see the outside or maybe what is posted on social media. But in dealing with people as a psychologist for many years, I can tell you that for the most part, this isn’t true. I can honestly say that about 90% of families don’t have it all together.Before I start the episode I just want to let you know I will be launching a workshop course called “Releasing Mama Guilt” which will help you dive deeper into feeling more confident about yourself and your parenting and hopefully by the end not feeling guilty about the way you move through life, parent your kid or start taking exceptional care of yourself. Along with the investment in the course you will also receive a recorded hypnosis focused on releasing mama guilt, an EFT tapping session video with techniques for releasing anxiety and guilt, and a recorded morning and evening meditation for your personal use.  I’ll be offering a cyber Monday discount on December 2nd which will bring down the course price to half off from the original price of $197. That’s only for one day so do watch out for that. I’d love to have you be part of the course. It’s going to be super fun. I’ll be teaching, coaching and giving away fun stuff![07:35] You can approach the holidays in the best way possible - that is your decision. You can make it special with the special people in your life.[08:52] You have the choice to say no. If it’s going to cause stress and overwhelm you, you have the permission to say no, and that’s okay.[10:20] Plan in advance on how you will react to the person who will inevitably drive you crazy. Be prepared for it to happen, do some role playing in your mind, think about how you’re going to react to the situation.[12:00] Lower your expectations and allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised if everything turns out great. Keep smiling and be nice. It is more difficult for someone to engage in conflict with someone who looks happy and refuses to engage.[14:21] Go to the family gathering and remember that you’re not them and you refuse to be like them.[15:15] Keep distance around the person who is a trigger for you.[15:50] Don’t drink too much. When we are drinking it can make you feel more depressed, anxious, angry, and it can inhibit your control.[17:21] Look at your family with compassion and realize why they are acting the way that they do.[18:55] Focus on the positive. Find something that is good.[20:10] If you feel a little tense, it’s okay to give yourself a break.[21:09] It’s a time limited event and you can do hard things. Take a step back and remember this is only temporary. Remember these things: you are not going to be bossed around by anybody, you are not that child anymore and you can do hard things.Links:Mama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com

Change and growth may be one of the things that we are most fearful of in life. Going through it is hard, uncomfortable and requires so much effort. But I totally believe that you can do it… anyone can do it. I know because I’ve been through this too. It takes a lot of courage and overcoming our fears.In this episode, I’m going to be talking about mindset, overcoming the fear of change, and why change and growth are so difficult in the hopes that it will help you or someone you know if you are going through this phase in your life.Before I start the episode I just want to let you know that instead of launching my 6-week course “Happy Momma, Happy Child” in December, I will be launching a workshop course where you can get to know me better as a coach and teacher to see if we’re a good fit. We’ll dive into the topic of momma guilt in one day, cover a lot in a few hours and give you live coaching with me. This will be launching on the 2nd of December. You can head over to mamashrink.com to sign up for my email list to get my free ebook, be the first to know about the course release, and receive a special discount for early birds who want to register.[06:43] We have an inner thermostat that has been set in us very early in our lives with how content we feel with being happy and at peace. A lot of us have grown up where that was not our norm. So to now be in that place is very, very difficult.[07:21] Growing and changing is very hard, uncomfortable and requires a lot of effort which is why a lot of people do not change their lives.[08:50] You can choose the life of easy or choose the life of growth or change. It’s a personal choice which you need to decide on.[09:54] If you find yourself seeking out support, help or therapy that means you want that change and that is the first step to growth.[11:40] I believe everyone has it in them to change no matter what circumstances they’ve come through. We all have a choice in life.[12:00] Fear is the biggest thing that keeps us from growing and changing. Even things that can be good change can create fear because it’s not in our comfort zone. We have to recognize that it’s okay to feel good and happy.[21:57] “Where attention goes, energy flows.” If you are focused on that, you will probably find things in your life to confirm that to be true. If you change that thinking and commit to feeling good, growth, and happiness there’s going to be fear and anxiety but why not enjoy it?[24:00] If you only want to do what’s easy in life, that’s fine but don’t expect to grow, don’t expect relationships to get better or things to improve. Once you grow and move through the discomfort, life will be much easier. You can’t grow without feeling uncomfortable. It’s impossible.[25:55] If you want to stay comfortable and don’t want to grow and change, what happens is we do self-destructive things like overeating, overdrinking, surrounding ourselves with negativity, gambling, and many more. The feeling of not being uncomfortable can kill us, literally.[27:25] Sometimes, the fear to change is so strong that people can’t overcome it. This is very real and we have to be gentle with ourselves and others who are fearful of this and focus on knowing that everytime someone is scared to grow, behind it is that fear - the fear of the unknown, the uncomfortable, the what if.[28:18] Every day we have a choice whether we want to experience growth and change or stay in our comfort zone. When you are dealing with telling yourself “I can’t,” instead of saying that, replace it with saying “I don’t want to” or “I won’t” or “I’m choosing not ” When you start to frame it in a choice, it feels more like a choice and gives you an opportunity to start to consider growth.[29:25] Here are some ways to overcome these self-sabotaging actions and belief system: acknowledge that you’re having the thought, forgive that thought / behavior and say “cancel”, replace it with a new thought, start to know your upper limit triggers.[34:00] This all comes down to our thought process, our beliefs, our brain. This is all dealing with our mind and mental structure. Once we can master changing the way we think and behave, everything in our life changes. It all comes back to mental mindset shifting.Links:Mama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com

I would like to dive into the concept of mindset shifting in the next 2 episodes of the Mama Shrink Podcast because I feel that this is such a big thing. It’s one thing to think about something in a certain way and it’s a whole different level when you really believe what you’re talking about. This comes down to the whole concept of the biology of belief.So today, I’m going to talk about self-sabotage. What is it, how do we do it, and why we do it. I have personally engaged in self sabotaged throughout my life and have seen this cycle in many women that I have worked with over the years. I share about this in order to help you move out of this vicious cycle and become a happier mom and woman.But before I start the podcast, I just want to share that my new free E-book on Ending Mama Guilt is now available on my website at mamashrink.com. It’s super fun and has lots of action-based activities for you to find happiness, set boundaries and engage in self-care without guilt.Also, the launch process for my course “Happy Momma, Happy Child” is starting in December and will be available at a really great discounted rate that I will never offer again. You can join the wait list for the course my heading over to my website as well.So let’s discuss Self-Sabotage [5:30] Self sabotage is a purposeful choice that interferes with your short-term or long- term goals.[6:54] Self sabotage is setting goals but not following through, procrastinating or quitting. We go into self-sabotage because our brains become habituated to being in a state of homeostasis and we want to remain in our comfort zone.[10:33] Sometimes our comfort zone isn’t what’s best for us but what we’re used to. We feel that it’s too good to be true so we ruin it.[11:33] Self-sabotage affects our self-esteem and pulls you down. It becomes a vicious cycle that makes us feel bad and makes us go back to our state of not achieving, growing and allowing good things to come in.[12:24] If you keep proving to yourself that you can’t succeed or you don’t deserve good things, your brain will start to believe that.[13:0] Signs for recognizing self-sabotage: procrastinating, feeling uncomfortable about feeling good, doing negative self-talk, feeling like you’re not good enough, picking fights, being self-critical, feeling like a fraud. Do you see yourself doing or feeling any of these things? Why are you doing it? And is this your way of self-sabotaging?[16:12] How do we change this? It can’t change overnight. Changing self-sabotage is a gradual change and involves shifting your mindset. Here are the steps you need to take: recognize your self-sabotaging behaviors; recognize the emotions that are causing the behavior; recognize the thoughts causing the emotions; work on changing your behavior, recognize the thoughts and emotions associated with whatever you keep self-sabotaging with; and practice being okay with feeling good.[25:06] Give yourself permission to feel good. Over time you’ll re-wire your brain and slowly start to change your mindset and belief system so that your internal state of being becomes feeling good and happy. It takes practice. Be patient with yourself because it takes time to stop self-sabotaging. Links:Gay Hendrix Book: The Big Leap Mama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com 

Assertiveness is a challenge for a lot of people including myself. Over the years, I have gotten much better with being assertive but I am still a work in progress.So many women struggle and worry about appearing mean or nasty if they attempt to be assertive. My goal for this episode is to make you realize that if we do not become assertive, we may end up hurting ourselves in the long-run. So being assertive is really important in our lives and in our relationships with others.Before I start the episode, I want to share that my new Ebook “Ending Mama Guilt: How to Find Happiness, Set Boundaries, and Engage in Self-Care without Guilt” is now available for free. Head on over to www.mamashrink.com to grab your copy now. If you know someone else that could benefit from this book, please feel free to share the link with them. [3:48] Assertiveness is a means of self-care that involves communicating honestly with yourself and with other people in a way that takes into account your rights and their rights.[4:24] Assertiveness means taking care of ourselves while doing it in a way that is not mean to yourself or someone else.[5:20] Assertiveness is not mean, it’s a way to be seen and heard, and it takes practice.[6:43] When were not assertive we can become sad, angry, depressed, frustrated, and/or anxious because we feel our needs are not being met. People don’t always know what we need and it is our responsibility to let them know.We may end up feeling like a victim to our circumstances, like no one understands or gets us. Being assertive is essential in healthy relationships and to our physical health.[08:36] Becoming assertive will take some practice and it may initially very difficult to do, especially if you are a people pleaser. People around us might not be happy when we start to become assertive because they want things to stay the same. People you will feel the most resistance are those energy vampires in our lives.[15:40] The opposite of being assertive is being passive, passive-aggressive and aggressive. Most people fall into the passive-aggressive state.[16:11] Being passive is completely not sticking up for yourself. You just say yes to everything, you are a complete people pleaser, and you do everything someone asks you to do. Sometimes you end up completely burnt out and resentful with no self-worth.[19:17] The aggressive person usually acts out in a hostile fashion without any regard for others, sometimes resorting to verbal or physical attacks and mental manipulation. It is usually the result of stored up anger or not speaking up or being raised in a home with aggressive parents. If you find yourself in an aggressive relationship, do whatever you can to get out of it.[24:11] Passive-Aggressive is where you are afraid of speaking up or don’t know how. It can feel scary if we don’t want to speak our mind or don’t want someone to be mad at us. There are so many examples of being passive-aggressive and I give you concrete examples on how to become more assertive during these situations.[38:29] Assertiveness is getting in touch with yourself, bodily reactions, feelings, your truth and expressing it in a positive way. You can take adult “time outs” before you say anything especially when experiencing emotionally charged feelings.[43:10] Remember, being assertive will begin to feel good to you over time because you are expressing what you need, you are taking their rights into account, and doing it in a kind and compassionate way. However, this does not always mean the person on the receiving end is going to do what you want them to do. You have to be okay when you disappoint other people.[44:58] I give you examples of differences of passive, passive-aggressive, aggressive and assertive responses in common life situations.[47:21] There’s lots of reasons for people not wanting to speak up, including fear. Stay away from energy vampires and professional victims. Be with people who can accept your truth. Links:Mama Shrink Episode 2 - How to Set BoundariesMama Shrink Episode 3 - Releasing Energy VampiresMama Shrink WebsiteMama Shrink Facebook PageEmail: drcynthia@mamashrink.com

Perfectionism is something that I’ve seen in so many patients that I treat as a psychologist. I was also a perfectionist myself and now call myself a “perfectionist in recovery.” I have struggled with it and I also see so much of it in other women which is why I decided to talk about it in today’s episode.I’ll be breaking perfectionism down for you to help you let go of this epidemic that can destroy not only you, but the people you around you as well. So it’s super important to be able to be aware of it and then let it go. It’s not an easy thing to do but it’s something you can always work towards.Before I start the episode, I want to share that my new ebook “Ending Mama Guilt: How to Find Happiness, Set Boundaries, and Engage in Self-Care without Guilt” is now out for free. Head over to mamashrink.com to grab your own copy now.[03:33] Perfection is something that is externally driven. Something that you want to achieve to better yourself and feel good about is internally driven.[04:53] Perfectionism is an epidemic. Its symptoms manifest in different ways in different disorders. It doesn’t only take a toll on yourself but on your relationships, as well.[06:37] Perfection is impossible. You have to know when it’s enough.[07:34] The 10 signs of perfectionism: setting extremely high standards, extremely self critical, highly concerned about others view you, need for approval, failure is not an option, need for things to be flawless, inability to relax unless everything is in order, rigidity and thinking, you want to please others, and you never achieve enough because there’s always more. Do any of these ring a bell for you?[09:23] “We can’t change it until we own it.” You have to own that something rings through to you and then you can start to change it. But also recognize that change is hard and takes practice.[10:03] The problem with perfectionism is that it comes with perks such as secondary gains which is why we keep engaging in it and have a hard time letting go of it. Some examples are: we feel proud we aren’t lazy, we get straight A’s, we have a successful job, a perfect body, and so on.[11:07] The heart of perfectionism is being highly concerned about what others think of you. Perfection is externally driven - it’s worrying about what other people think. It’s hard to let go of because it’s natural for us to compare ourselves to other people.[12:32] Think about what this is passing down to our children. They see and absorb what we model for them. Sometimes we don’t realize that we’re passing on perfectionism to our children.[14:40] The perks of perfectionism come at a huge cost. You have to realize it, take a step back and let things go. It is toxic![16:51] No one is perfect. It’s important to say it to yourself and say it out loud. It’s impossible because there’s always something else that you’ll feel the need to be perfect at.[18:20] Separate perfectionism from achieving. Achieving things is fine but it’s not going to be perfect and you’ll probably achieve less if they have to be perfect. Procrastinators are often perfectionists. Perfectionism can stop you from achieving a lot of things in your life.[21:16] Be aware of perfectionism. Perfectionism is an all time high and a lot of research is pointing towards social media where we constantly compare ourselves to others and put things onto us that may not be realistic.[23:14] Top things that lead to being perfectionistic: genetics and growing up in homes with abuse, neglect, overly controlling parents, or incompetent parents.[27:58] Our kids need to feel they belong. By belonging it means that no matter what happens in the outside world, they will feel they belong in their family. It ties up to perfectionism when they feel that they aren’t good enough or they are not allowed to make mistakes. Make your kids feel that your home is their safe place. If they don’t feel they belong in their own home or family, they are going to feel the need to be perfect and create a facade in order to fit in.[29:51] Sometimes perfectionism can keep us from truly being seen or showing how we really are.[30:45] Perfectionism isn’t an easy thing to overcome. Here are some things you can do: have support and a group around you to be honest with, start practicing self compassion, stop comparing yourself to other people, allow yourself to do “B” work instead of always having it to be “A” work, remind yourself that you can always do more but “when is it enough?”, lower your expectations of yourself and other people, realize that if we don’t let go of perfection we are going to be constantly chasing something that’s never achievable.[36:20] Imperfection is what we need to embrace. Give yourself permission to not have to be perfect.My first ever course soon called “Happy Momma = Happy Child” is launching in December. It is especially designed to help you become the best mom you can be to be a better parent and mother. I would like to invite you to be a part of the beta launch of this life-changing course. If you are interested, get on my waitlist for it at drcynthia@mamashrink.com or on my website, mamashrink.com. As soon as I launch, you’ll be the first ones to be notified.

The dreaded mommy guilt is so prevalent, difficult, and happens to all us moms. Being a mom isn’t an easy job, having a job while being a mom is twice the heartache. I hope this episode helps you to alleviate your mama guilt by helping you realize that you don’t need to feel guilty for wanting or needing to do what we need to do in order to take care of our children and ourselves.Guilt doesn’t serve us and it’s very hard for us to cope with it. I have experienced mommy guilt myself many times. I’m going to be sharing with you some of the things I’ve done to alleviate my own guilt, while sharing my professional knowledge in this area. [03:23] When we talk about mom-guilt, we feel inferior or not good enough. Professional women experience this a lot after having a child and needing to return to work. [05:44] Moms should start supporting each other, stop feeling guilty, stop comparing yourself to others, and stop judging each other. It doesn’t make us a bad mom if we want to do things outside of parenting our children. [11:19] It’s okay to do other things than being a mom. Don’t feel that there’s something wrong with you if you want to do other things in your life too.  [14:00] Mommy guilt can lead to depression, anxiety, anger, negative thoughts, beating yourself up, comparing yourself to others. When this happens it can cause you to overwork, overeat, or self-medicate with alcohol or food. [16:12] As moms we have the need for perfectionism. But it just doesn’t exist. And we have to be okay giving 60% or 80%. You will have “off days” and that’s okay. Being a mom is hard! We should stop pretending that we all have it together. It doesn’t serve us and it does not make other moms feel supported. [20:30] Acknowledge & accept that it’s okay if you want to go to work and enjoy having time away from your kids. It doesn’t make you a bad mom. Keep in mind why you do what you do. [21:15] What is most important is the quality of time that we spend with our kids, not the quantity. [22:54] You don’t want to end up resenting your child because you didn’t do the things you wanted to do while you were raising your children. Too many moms come to see me after their children leave home (as they should) and they feel lost in their life. I hear so many moms saying they don’t know who they are outside of being a mom. [25:13] Build up your resilience and do not engage in feeling shame or guilt for wanting to do things outside of being a mom. Sometimes we become more resilient by pushing through the hard things that hurt our hearts. [26:39] Give yourself time to adjust. It takes practice to let go of guilt. [27:39] Mommy guilt stems from feeling like we did something wrong or we are not good enough. You’re not doing anything wrong when you want time to yourself, or go to work, or when you want to spend time with adults. [29:29] Be okay with not loving everything about parenting. It’s not always fun. It’s hard! [30:22] We need to be accepting that we need adult time too and not everything should revolve around our kids. Kids who grow up feeling that everything revolves around them, usually grow up spoiled. Set limits with your kids without feeling guilty. [31:27] Mommy guilt is hard. You are not alone - everyone feels it. Don’t stay stuck and feel that you are a bad mom. If you are giving your child quality time, there is nothing to feel guilty for.