Guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.
The ladies are back to answer your hard hitting career questions! First, a listener worried about burning bridges gets advice on how to quit her job. Then, how to balance a work/home life balance. Plus, Mandi and Tiffany offer crucial advice on how to create boundaries at work. Link to the book "Set Boundaries, Fine Peace" -- https://www.audible.com/pd/Set-Boundaries-Find-Peace-Audiobook/0593393546?source_code=GO1GB547041122911G&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_OOC9Myy-AIVxMOGCh0uPAw2EAAYASAAEgJKVPD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds We want to hear from you! Drop us a note at email@example.com or hit us up on Instagram @brownambitionpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Interview with Lori Saitz. Lori Saitz is the CEO of Zen Rabbit, an award-winning writer, speaker, and broadcaster, and a nationally recognized expert in using gratitude and meditation to manifest goals faster. The most difficult thing she's ever done is leave a 22-year marriage, that experience inspired her transformation. She's now on a mission to guide Gen-Xers to a place of unprecedented passion, clarity, peace, and to rediscover their purpose so they can get back to a place of liking themselves and their lives again.In this podcast episode you will learn:✨ How you can enhance your life to the next step when everything seems fine✨ How gratitude can transform your life✨ What is the trilogy of success? ✨ Tools on how to find and rediscover your purposeEnjoy listening.With gratitude,Julia-----Shownotes:Connect with Lori:https://zenrabbit.com/Get your personalized gratitude meditation:https://zenrabbit.com/meditation/-----
Managing up means creating a good relationship with the person or people you report to. or who have an investment in your success. If you're a CEO, this could be your board of directors and investors, if you're a director, this could be the vice president that you report to and the executive team. ----------------------------------------------- Welcome to Ever Better Today: the daily podcast for creating your optimal business, career, or overall life in ten minutes or less. I'm Lisa Conners Vogt, Executive and Leadership Coach and founder of Ever Better Coaching and Consulting. Let's jump in! ----------------------------------------------- Six Key Points for Effectively Managing up Create a Relationship of Two-way Respect. People who are very strong leaders appreciate feedback and an active, open discussion around strategies and ideas. However, continue to be mindful of your status and relationship with that person. Practice giving strong feedback before delivering it in person. Assess What Your Team Can and Cannot Accomplish. Share your team's capacity in a realistic manner. Providing an unrealistic status and setting expectations for unachievable goals will create problems in the long run. Share Your Accomplishments. Often people are hesitant to share their accomplishments and think that they're bragging about themselves. However, if you don't share what you've accomplished in clear language, your boss will not know what you've achieved and may underestimate your abilities. Managing up is Promoting. If you are a manager, promote the work, accomplishments and capabilities of your team members. Without this, your boss will be unaware of the person's impact and this will lessen your ability to get them a raise and elevated title. Set Boundaries. Set health boundaries so that you maintain a sustainable work/life balance. Understand what the person you're reporting to prefers so that you come to a healthy agreement and a respectful understanding. Practice Transparency. Keep your boss in the loop on good things as well as things that are challenging and that concern you. Keep them up-to-date with significant events. ----------------------------------------------- To learn more about working with Ever Better, send me an email here or book a complimentary call with me here
This is a question I've been getting a lot lately, as I've been talking with you about boundaries on the podcast. A lot of you tell me that you know that you need it, and you realize that the way you're running your business right now is not sustainable in the long term. The real issue, however, is how to go about setting and implementing them. Well, I got you covered. Today I am talking about boundaries, how to set them and what to do to make sure they actually happen in your business. I share tips on where and when to set boundaries, switching our mindset to follow through with boundary setting, and how to actually follow through with your boundaries. In this episode, we cover: Setting boundaries in your business [2:43] Dealing with resentment [7:15] 24/7 availability with clients is not helpful [9:12] What about client emergencies? [15:32] You get to decide how you want to run your business [19:40] Insights I have learned about boundaries [20:38] Connect with Amber: IG: @coachamberb Website: https://www.coachamberb.com >>> This episode is sponsored by The Momentum Restart Accelerator, a fail-proof system created by me to keep you accountable to your goals and feeling your best. If you keep hitting that same wall again and again, you don't need a new health program you just need to add a momentum restart.. Learn more at https://www.coachamberb.com/restart
As someone who has been diagnosed with PMDD, Bipolar Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, & Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I'm well versed in dealing with my own mental health issues as well as assisting others with identifying their mental/emotional health needs. It's time we start holding one another accountable in love and stop making poor choices for how we deal and heal from trauma. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Boundaries aren't selfish. They're self-preservation. If this idea makes you uncomfortable, believe us, you're not alone! So many of us grew up learning to tune out our own needs in favor of pleasing others. Here's the thing: Now, as adults, that circuit no longer serves us. If you feel exhausted, resentful, or overwhelmed… this episode is for you. Dr. Becky talks with therapist and best-selling author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” Nedra Tawwab about all things boundaries: what they really mean, where to start, how to set them, what makes them so hard, how to handle pushback, and more. You'll learn the difference between “self-care” and “after-care,” why saying yes is just as important as saying no, and a ton of actionable strategies (including how Dr. Becky and Nedra manage their calendars to avoid over-committing). Remember: Your needs and wants matter, even when others have different needs and wants. Join Good Inside Membership: http://www.goodinside.com Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Today's episode is brought to you by the following sponsor: Frida is the brand that's one step ahead on all parenting hacks. Frida's products are made to grow with your child—like their oral care line. It starts with your baby's first tooth and the Finger Toothbrush. Next, the Training Toothbrush. And for toddlers, there's the Toothhugger—a triple-sided brush that's like a mini car wash for each and every tooth. Go to www.fridababy.com and get 20% off any first purchase with code "DRBECKY"
Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode of the Strong Girl Strong God podcast. In this episode, I discuss the importance of setting boundaries with the people you surround yourself with, not just to keep your peace, but for the betterment of your soul and God's mission for your life.Scriptures referenced in this episode:Romans 16:17-18Proverbs 22:24-251 Corinthians 12:33James 4:4Books referenced:****Includes affiliate links****"When to Walk Away" by Gary Thomas"Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Nedra Glover Tawwab "The Set Boundaries Workbook" by Nedra Glover TawwabDevotional referenced:Friendship by Love God Greatly via YouVersion Bible AppIf you enjoyed this episode, be sure to give this podcast a 5-star rating, and don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss a beat! Thank you so much for listening.If you'd like to donate to the podcast you can buy me a coffee.I'd love to connect with you! Let's keep in touch in between episodes:Shoot me an email:firstname.lastname@example.orgConnect with me on IG:www.instagram.com/stronggirlstronggodpodcastwww.instagram.com/iamerinelizabethCheck out my website:www.iamerinelizabeth.comSubscribe to my newsletter. I promise I won't spam you.https://iamerinelizabeth.us19.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=339699c37b3d097a2604070aa&id=d89ab3e47fStrong Girl Strong God IntroSupport the show
Go to https://www.radicalconfidence.com to get your copy of my book Radical Confidence! When you do, you'll be getting a toolkit of 10 No-BS lessons on becoming the hero of your own life - and you'll learn how to set better boundaries, live a life that lights you up, and give you the ability to boldly stare down ANY frikin' thing that gets between you and the things you want from life! The number of us who have been in (or are possibly still in) relationships where you don't even recognize that you're being manipulated is astounding. Unhealthy relationships have a way of starting off “normal.” You go from being showered with gifts and attention everyday to barely feeling seen or heard at all sometimes without even noticing.Nedra Glover Tawwab is practically a queen of boundaries She's a therapist, relationship expert and the author of, "Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself". She's been a guest on Women of Impact multiple times, sharing practical tips and solutions for setting boundaries, being assertive and learning how to recognize when you are in an unhealthy relationship and being gaslit.If you've been questioning your sanity after every argument, if you find yourself apologizing to your partner or people you have a relationship with even when you know you're not to blame, it's time to put an end to these unhealthy behaviors, set boundaries and find strength in you peace of mind.SHOW NOTES:0:00 | Introduction Nedra Glover Tawwab0:13 | Look for These Signs!19:00 | How to Set Boundaries36:49 | Be Assertive & Know Your Value49:58 | Take Control TodayQUOTES:“When you apologize and sometimes you don't even really mean it, you're just using it as a peace offering, [...] it is a betrayal of self because nothing has been improved…” [4:19]“Anytime you're apologizing to keep the peace, that's not an authentic apology.“ [5:21]“Arguing is a choice, [...] I will not argue with you about something being my fault when I know it wasn't.” [11:01]“When we find ourselves ruminating and talking about those things that are troubling and problematic, that is an indicator that we are having an issue with something.” [19:44]“You can't change another person's behavior. The best boundaries are the boundaries that we set with ourselves with other people.” [28:35]“Conflict is a growth tool.” [44:36]“It has to be okay for us to have some limits around when we're able to talk about certain topics.” [54:46]“We've had so many boundaries put on us by other people, it is okay for us to have a few.” [1:00:40]Follow Nedra Glover Tawwab:Website: https://www.nedratawwab.com/ Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/nedratawwab/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nedratawwab/ Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/nedratawwab/_created/
Interview with the Relationship Recovery. For the past ten years, Tiffany Denny and Kierstyn Franklin have been helping people worldwide heal from relationship turmoil, through their company, The Relationship Recovery. After experiencing it themselves and not finding the resources they needed, they curated a program with proven techniques to help people heal after a broken heart through mindset change. Tiffany and Kierstyn were named one of the Top 10 Relationship Coaches Transforming Lives by Yahoo Finance and featured in Vogue and SHAPE. In addition, they reach thousands of people worldwide through social media and The Relationship Recovery Podcast. For more resources visit therelationshiprecovery.com and follow @therelationshiprecovery on Instagram.In this podcast episode you will learn:✨ How to identify toxic relationships in the workplace✨ What co-dependency looks like at work✨ What Batman has to do with healing relationships (and yourself)✨ Why it is important to disconnect your self-worth from the workplace✨ How to deal with emotions at work when you are going through difficult relationshipsEnjoy listening.With gratitude,Julia-----Shownotes:Get in touch with The Relationship Recovery:https://www.instagram.com/therelationshiprecovery/-----
Faith Broussard Cade has over 10 years of experience as a professional school counselor and mental health counselor and also worked as a baker and a food blogger, before shifting to writing inspirational affirmations on pieces of handmade paper through her extremely popular Instagram handle, Fleur De Lis Speaks (@fleurdelisspeaks). On January 9, 2018, Faith experienced a major life event that rocked her to her core and changed the trajectory of her career and the way she looked at life in general. This is where she started her self-love journey nourishing her soul by writing a self-care note daily…and thus, Fleur De Lis Speaks was created where she now shares with her almost 300K Instagram followers and online community, content about mental health along with her own personal healing journey to motivate individuals to prioritize peace, boundaries, and emotional well-being in their lives and relationships. In this episode we discuss: Faith's major life event and her work on her own personal healing, wellness, and self-care advocacy Why you must choose introspection and gratitude as the way to finding peace in things most take for granted Faith's work as a mental health counselor and coach Why you need to stop staying YES and start saying NO to protect your boundaries Kicking the burnout mentality How to step into your power and create the life you desire using self-exploration, kindness, and compassion as the tools that equip you to live out this necessary truth. To compliment her offerings, Faith has also published two guided journals on the transformative power of self-care and self-love: Because You Are Worthy: 90 Days of Transformative Self-Love and Because You Have Purpose: 90 Days of Encouraging Self-Love. Stay until the end of this episode to hear the Meghan Houle Method Tip of the week on how you can use Faith's learnings from this episode to kick the burnout mentality and set your own personal boundaries on your way to prioritizing peace and finding gratitude in your everyday life. Links: Website and Blog: Fleur de Lis Speaks, LLC Instagram: @fleurdelisspeaks
This week brings the final episode in a series of discussions on setting boundaries. Pulling from Nedra Glover Tawwab's book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, this week's discussion centers on the following: - 6 areas where setting boundaries is necessary - 3 steps to set healthy boundaries -What to do after setting boundaries -How to manage people's reactions to your boundaries Order Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab Nedra Tawwab's Instagram: @nedratawwab Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma Transcript: Alyssa Scolari: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast, the full episode this week. I'm your host Alyssa Scolari, and I am so happy to be here for a full episode. If you listened to the mini episode that I put out last week, well, it wasn't even an episode. It was just a brief announcement. My husband and I have been recovering from COVID. We both went all this time without getting it, and then we went to a wedding. One of our really good friends got married, and the wedding was so much fun. But the next day, part of the wedding party had woken up and tested positive for COVID. And then a few days after, David tested positive for COVID, and then I tested positive. Alyssa Scolari: So it was not fun. I will say I am very glad that I have had the privilege of being both vaccinated and boosted, because I do not want to know what COVID would've looked like if I did not have the vaccine. It wasn't scary, but it was almost just like, "Whoa. I can't believe this feels this bad even with the vaccine." It felt like the flu. Thankfully, neither of us had to go to the hospital. Neither of us had any issues with breathing or anything like that. And we are both on the mend. Alyssa Scolari: Today is actually one of the first days that I have my voice back. And my voice might sound a little bit off. I don't know. It doesn't to me. But I had lost my voice and couldn't really work or do anything. So it's been a little relaxing, but also boring, but also just irritating being sick when it was Memorial Day weekend and then it was a really beautiful summer weather. And there was just so many things we wanted to do. And we were supposed to have a house warming party with all of our friends, and we had to cancel that. And it's just been a bummer. Alyssa Scolari: But again, I'm just very happy to be healthy and I'm very thankful that we are both on the mend. So thank you for bearing with me. There was no way I was going to be able to put out an episode, because I was just feverish and had no voice. But we are back with another part, well, another episode on boundaries. So it's like a three part series or a three episode series. I am fairly certain this will be the last one. We're going to see how much we get into today. Alyssa Scolari: But if you have not listened to the other two episodes, you can go back and listen. We are talking about boundaries. And a lot of the information that I am sharing today is going to be based off of Nedra Tawwab's book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. And that is the same book that I used in the previous two episodes. Boundaries, as I've said before and I'll say it again, I believe, are the most important tool for not just healing from trauma, but for honestly just existing and living a peaceful life. Alyssa Scolari: That's more of a personal belief. I think a lot of people would agree with me, honestly. So we're talking about it, because as important as they are, it's also incredibly difficult for us to set them. Alyssa Scolari: So in the first episode that we did about boundaries, we talked a lot about what are they and why are they so important and what types of boundaries exist out there. And then in the second episode, so the episode that went out two weeks ago, we talked about why it is so difficult for us to set boundaries and how we can look past that, how we can push past our fears and our anxieties that come up around setting boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: Today, we are going to get a little bit more into the nitty gritty of how specifically do I do this with the people in my life. All right. So let's get right into it. Alyssa Scolari: So in the first episode that we did, we talked about how there are three different types of boundaries, right? There's rigid, porous, and healthy. Well, in addition to that, there are six different areas in life where it's very important to be able to set boundaries, right? Alyssa Scolari: Now, number one, and this is going to come as no surprise to many people, it's important to set sexual boundaries. That is very important. Now, of course, I should note this. You cannot set sexual boundaries where there is a crime occurring. So a child cannot set a sexual boundary with an adult when there is sexual assault or rape going on or child sexual abuse. Alyssa Scolari: That is not what we are talking about. We are talking about consensual sex. Boundaries are important. Being able to communicate with your partner or partners what you do, like, what you don't like, or even just saying, "No, thank you. I am not in the mood to have sex right now," or even just being able to ask the other person, "Can you tell me what you like? Do you like it when I do this?," right? That is a discussion of, "Hey, what are your boundaries, so that I know what they are, so that I don't cross them?" So sexual boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: Then there are time boundaries. So this is, I think, a huge one for so many people, right? Classic example is the person who is constantly picking up the phone for everybody else, but then, at the end of the day, has no time left over for themselves. Time boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: And then physical boundaries. This, I often think of as even public displays of affections. Some people don't mind. Some people hate it. I'm not a huge PDA person. I don't particularly enjoy it, right? So let's say you're in a relationship with a partner who is always kissing you in front of everyone and always wants to rub your back. It's very important to be able to set those boundaries and say, "Please do not rub my back in public. It makes me uncomfortable." Alyssa Scolari: And other physical boundaries can also just be, even when it comes to children, right, for allowing your child to say when they want to hug somebody and when they don't. Or even as adults, there are times where I will see the same group of friends, and I love them, but I might not necessarily be in the mood for hugging or physical touch. So sometimes, I will hug everybody in the room. Sometimes, I will not. And it's okay. Nobody really bats an eyelash either way, because everybody is cool with respecting one another's boundaries. So those are physical boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: We have sexual, time, physical, and then we have intellectual boundaries. Intellectual boundaries, this can be a little bit more complex. But the best way I can put it is by giving examples. So an intellectual boundary can be crossed with a child if an adult is having an inappropriate conversation with a child, right? If a young child is learning about something sexual before they are ready to hear that, or even in the case of oversharing, right? If parents are fighting and the one parent turns the child and starts venting to the child about the other parent, that is crossing an intellectual boundary. Alyssa Scolari: Now, between adults, this can look a little bit differently. So this can look like belittling people for what their beliefs are, mocking people for their beliefs. I've seen a lot of people mock Christianity. And while I personally do believe that parts of Christianity can be harmful depending on the interpretation of the Bible, because everybody interprets the Bible differently, that's an episode for another time. But a lot of people mock Christianity and they mock Christians, and that can be an intellectual boundary. Or I've seen it reversed. I've seen people who are Christian mock people who have no belief. A lot of people like to mock people who are Jewish. They belittle their faith. Alyssa Scolari: So it happens across the board. Whether you believe in something don't believe in something, no matter what religion you are, this happens. And that is an intellectual boundary violation, as is when people will shut down over disagreements. So let's say that you're in a disagreement with somebody, and let's say you're in a little disagreement over what restaurant you want to go to. And the one person's like, "Oh, I want to go to Applebee's." And the other person's like, "Well, I want to go to Wendy's." And you talk for a little while and you decide, "All right, we're going to Applebee's." Well, you get there and you sit down with the other person and they're completely quiet, and they're on their phone the whole time, and they're not looking at you, and they're making zero communication. They're just completely shut down. That is an example of an intellectual boundary violation. I am denying you the right to have communication with me, to have an intellectual discussion with me, because I'm mad at you. It's a passive aggressive boundary violation. Alyssa Scolari: So there are also emotional boundary violations where people can dismiss your feelings, or people will turn around and spill your secrets. You share something, you share the way you feel with somebody, and then they tell you they're not going to say anything, but then they go home and then they call their friend right away and they tell their friend. And before you know it, half the world knows your secret. Those are emotional boundary violations. Gossip is an emotional boundary violation, things like that. Alyssa Scolari: And then there are material boundary violations. So people going through your journal or destroying your property, or people borrowing your car and not filling it up with gas when they return it to you, or people using your kitchen and making an absolute mess that you have to go clean up, those are material violations. You holding something in your hand and somebody wants to see it, so they just snatch it out of your hand without asking you when that thing belongs to you, that is a material violation. Alyssa Scolari: So those are some of the categories. Well, those are the main categories that boundaries can fall into when it comes to setting them. So let's talk about what it means to set a boundary. Alyssa Scolari: In order to set a boundary, you have to have good communication. And there are four different ways that you can communicate. You can communicate passively, passive aggressively, aggressively, or assertively. Alyssa Scolari: Now, passive communication is you really don't say anything. What passive means is you sit on the feelings and you eat your own feelings and sit with them because you don't want those feelings to come out. So you just keep it to yourself and deal with it and don't say anything. Alyssa Scolari: Passive aggressive is when you do things to get the other person to notice that you are upset, or you try to deny the other person something. You harm the relationship without directly saying exactly what's wrong. We've talked about passive aggressive behaviors in the other two episodes, so we're not going to really get into examples. But I'm pretty sure we all know what passive aggressive behavior is. It's that person who is trying to communicate that something's wrong, but they'll never actually come out and say something's wrong. They will just act in different ways or say different things that let you know that there's an issue. Alyssa Scolari: And then there's aggressive communication, which can be threatening and can involve yelling or cursing, or it can even become physical. Alyssa Scolari: And then there's assertive. This, again, I'm sure is a no brainer. We want the assertive communication. Assertive communication, it's not passive, not passive aggressive. It's not aggressive. It is none of those things. But instead, it is clear, it is firm, and it is unapologetic, and it is also respectful. And that is something that I think people struggle with a lot when they're triggered. It's really, really hard to come across as assertive when they are upset or triggered. I know it is for me, which is why I think taking time, when you're getting ready to set a boundary with somebody, taking time, jotting down, what you want to say, thinking about it, maybe tweaking it a little bit, I think that that is helpful for me when I have to set a boundary, because if not, then my words can come out... Alyssa Scolari: I'm trying to think. I feel like I want to say I could be aggressive, not in a physical way, but probably in a verbal way, because all my emotions flood out of me. So assertive behavior is the way to go. Alyssa Scolari: So how do we do that? Step one is all about your tone and your use of language. So again, it is so important to have a neutral tone. You don't have to be super animated. And I think this is where I struggle, because I'm a little bit more animated. And sometimes, that can come off as aggressive or too much. It is so important to be neutral, but also very, very clear. Alyssa Scolari: And you don't want to have too much jargon. You want to be really, really concise. Some people, because they get so nervous when they're setting boundaries, they tend to just talk and talk and talk. And I absolutely used to do this, right? If somebody asked me if they could borrow my laptop and I didn't want them to, I would say, "Well, I spent a lot of money on this laptop. And in order for me to really feel comfortable giving it away, I have to know what you're going to be doing on it. How long are you going to need it for? If you're going to need it for more than 30 seconds, it's going to be really hard for me, because I have to do this and that." And I would just go on and on and on, as opposed to being straight to the point. Alyssa Scolari: And when you go on and on and you have too much jargon, people might not get it, or people are going to see loopholes. People are going to say, "Okay, well you said this. So if I do this, then can I have the laptop?" So you want to be concise. You want to cut the jargon. You want to have a neutral tone. Alyssa Scolari: And here's the other thing, and this is a hard one for some people. You don't want to say things like, "Maybe," "Kind of," "I don't know," right? This goes into step number two, right? And step number two is directly stating your need. So number one, being clear and neutral and concise. Number two is directly stating your need. And in doing both of those things, we really want to leave out the language that suggests that you could possibly change your mind. I really like to let people down easily. So I am famous for being like, "I don't really think so," or "Not at this time," or, "Unfortunately, it doesn't look like we'll be able to go, or, "Maybe not now. Maybe some other time. I am famous for that, because I don't want to sound mean by setting a boundary. Alyssa Scolari: But here's the thing that I need to remember and that you need to remember, and that is that setting boundaries, it's not a mean thing at all. It is a way to give you the peaceful and happy life that you want. And if somebody can't respect your boundaries, that is a sign that you needed to set those boundaries in the first place. Alyssa Scolari: So I have really been practicing on this one. And I set a boundary with a family member a few months ago. They asked me to go somewhere, and I didn't want to go. I didn't feel comfortable. I didn't feel safe going. And so normally. I would feel the need to be like, "Oh, well, we have plans and we can't go because blah, blah, blah." But instead, I directly said, "Thank you for the offer. We can't make it. Have a good time." Alyssa Scolari: Now, this person did not respect my boundary in the slightest. And this person said some pretty nasty stuff back. But it doesn't matter, because I did what I needed to do to keep myself safe. And quite frankly, this person reacting the way they did was really no surprise, because I needed to set that boundary a long time ago. Alyssa Scolari: So let's go into a few more examples. How about somebody, the person in your family who's constantly talking about weight and in front of you, right? You go out to dinner with somebody and they're like, "Oh, I got to get back to it tomorrow. And Monday, I'm going to step on the scale again." You can say something like, "I feel uncomfortable when you talk about weight. Please stop." Alyssa Scolari: Let's say you have a roommate or a friend or even a child who borrows your car, and they come back and they never have the tank filled up. You can say, "I need you to fill my car up with gas after you use it." That's it. You're not even asking, right? You don't even want to ask, because then you give people the option of saying no. Some people will try to set boundaries by being like ... And by some people, I totally mean me, right? Some people will be like, "Oh, well, do you think that you could please fill up my car with gas?" You give them the option to say no. There should not be an option to say no when it comes to you setting a boundary for yourself. You are directly stating your need or your request, or you're directly saying no. Alyssa Scolari: So again, this might sound harsh, especially for those of us who struggle with setting these, but these tools are life saving. And you have to remember and tell yourself over and over and over again that you are not being mean. Alyssa Scolari: Let's say you have a family member who loves to talk. Let's say your mom. Let's say your mom. Let's say you have a brother, and your mom loves to talk to you and gossip to you about your brother. Your mom's always complaining about your brother, your brother this, your brother that, "Your brother never comes around anymore. I haven't seen your brother in weeks," things like that. And you don't want to hear it anymore. All you have to say is, "Mom, I really don't like it when you talk to me about my brother. Please stop." And that's it. That is it. You are not at all being mean when you say those things. Alyssa Scolari: The biggest fear here, when you make a request, when you say no, when you state a need, the biggest fear is in how people are going to respond, which is why step three is dealing with the emotions that come after setting the boundary, whether that be guilt, whether that be anxiety, whether that be fear or awkwardness or discomfort. Alyssa Scolari: And Nedra makes a really good point in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. She makes a really good point of saying, "It's almost impossible to set boundaries without guilt, because we live in a society that has just set us up to feel like we need to give of ourselves all the time, because when we give of ourselves, we have nothing left over for us. And therefore we get sicker, and therefore this world profits off of us. So it really is like a win-win situation for the world that we live in for us to not have boundaries." Alyssa Scolari: So in a society that teaches us that boundaries are mean, it's not really likely that you're going to be able to set them without guilt. I have yet to set a boundary without feeling some level of guilt, and I always have to work through it. Guilt, awkwardness, fear, discomfort, it's so important to work through that. And how do you do that? By telling yourself a lot of what we're talking about, by reminding yourself of what we are talking about here today. Alyssa Scolari: Another thing that really helps for me is to talk to my therapist about it, because my therapist is really good at reassuring me. So talk, if it's not to your therapist, talk to somebody else who really understands boundaries and who gets it. But for the love of God, please don't talk to somebody who isn't good with boundaries, because if you do that, you're only going to feel worse. I would make the mistake all the time of talking to somebody. Alyssa Scolari: I would set a boundary with somebody, and I'd feel really guilty. So I'd pick up the phone and call somebody who also was terrible at setting boundaries. And then they would be like, "Oh, well, why did you do that? That sounded a little bit mean." And then I would feel horrible and I would backtrack in my boundary setting. Alyssa Scolari: So think about if it's bringing stuff up from childhood. Talk to your therapist about it. Ask yourself, "What does this mean about me? Where is this coming from? Did I get yelled at when I was younger for setting boundaries? Was I allowed to have boundaries when I was younger?" For a lot of us, this boundary work is childhood trauma recovery, because a lot of us wouldn't know a boundary if we fell over it when we were younger. The majority of us have had our boundaries violated over and over again as children. So it's so important to seek support when you are setting boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: If the boundary ruins the relationship, I hate to say this, but the relationship was doomed anyway. It really was. I have set so many boundaries, especially this past year. And in some cases, those boundaries have worked out just fine and I've gotten through it. And in other cases, those boundaries ruined the relationship. And you know what? I'm not even surprised, because that relationship was doomed anyway. The important thing is to not assume that it's your fault. Alyssa Scolari: But here's the thing. Don't assume that people in general aren't going to honor your boundaries. Go into this with the attitude that, "Why wouldn't people respect my boundaries?" Assume people are going to honor your boundaries and act normally, because when you start assuming people are going to behave weirdly, then you almost set yourself up for another self-fulfilling prophecy. And we've talked about self-fulfilling prophecies in a previous episode. You set yourself up to then you almost end up making the situation uncomfortable, because you think it's going to be awkward. So then you bring a level of awkwardness to it. So then it is awkward. Alyssa Scolari: So don't go into it assuming anything. If anything, try to go into setting boundaries completely detached from how people are going to react. Try to detach yourself. Try to not take any kind of responsibility or even give a whole lot of energy to people's reactions, because if you do keep giving energy to it, it's going to make you not want to set the boundary. And then it's going to just keep you in a relationship that isn't fully serving you. So try not to be so tied to the way other people are going to react, because you're not setting this boundary to see somebody's reaction. You're setting this boundary so that you can feel safer in the relationship. So you don't need to give your energy to how people are going to react. Easier said than done, I know. Alyssa Scolari: But it's also important to just be okay with how people react. Like I said, it's not personal. Their reactions, their emotions, they're entitled to. They're entitled to all of it. Everybody's entitled to their opinion. Everybody. But it doesn't mean that their emotions are or opinions is something that you need to take on. Alyssa Scolari: Now, when you set a boundary, it is so important, because honestly, setting the boundary, just setting it, I hate to say this, but that's actually one of the easier things to do when it comes to boundary work, setting it first. All right. Great. You did it. The real hard work comes in in upholding the boundary. You need to religiously uphold your boundary, right? Alyssa Scolari: If you have a friend that's like, "Hey, can you come out tonight?" "No, thank you. I want to stay inside tonight. I'm not really in the mood to go out." Your friend's like, "Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?" You need to say no time and time and time again. Or in the case of a friend who is borrowing your car, when you say, "I need you to fill the car up with gas when you return it to me," let's say this person says, "Okay. No problem." They borrow the car the next week. They bring the car back, and there's no gas in it. Do you let it go? No. Not even just for one time do you let it go, because, remember, people thrive off of you not having boundaries. If you give people an inch, they will take it a mile. That is just human nature. It doesn't mean they don't love you. It's just human nature. So if you set a boundary and somebody violates that boundary even one time, you need to call it out immediately. Alyssa Scolari: You try not to take it personally, right? Because for a lot of people, boundary violations, it's not about you. It could be about other people living out some other childhood stuff, right? Testing limits, kids love to test limits. So do adults. We never grow out of that. It's not personal. But it is your responsibility to religiously uphold that boundary. Alyssa Scolari: "Hey, Mom. I know I told you last week when we talked on the phone that I don't want to hear you talking about my brother anymore. I have to ask you again to please stop." Now, if that person still doesn't respect that, "Hey, friend. I asked you when we were at dinner last week to please refrain from talking about weight. It makes me uncomfortable. I also asked you two weeks ago. And you're still doing this." Alyssa Scolari: Well, now, what do you do? Well, now, you kind of ... Not kind of, right? There I go again with my indirect language. You put in a consequence, not necessarily punitive, right? Not really punitive sounding, but a consequence that's going to protect you. "Jim, if you return my car again and the gas tank isn't full, I'm not going to let you take my car anymore," "If you continue to talk to me about my brother while we're on the phone, Mom, I'm going to hang up the phone. And that will be the end of our conversation," "If, Susie, you continue to talk to me about weight while we're out to dinner, I'm going to get up and leave the restaurant." That is when you bring those consequences in. Alyssa Scolari: And again, you have to reinforce them and uphold them. That is one of the hardest parts about boundaries, because people might say yeah when you set that boundary the first time, but people almost always love to test limits in some way, shape, or form. Not everybody. Alyssa Scolari: So that is where we are at. If somebody's not respecting your boundary, you have to call it out, "I asked you to do this. You are not doing it. And if you continue to not do that, this is what's going to happen." People might react in all different ways, right? People might get defensive. They might start questioning you. They're going to test the limits. People might be passive aggressive. They might ghost you. They might give you the silent treatment or just give you very short responses. And again, it's so important to remember that their reaction is not about you. It is never about you. Alyssa Scolari: Ultimately, boundaries can solve a lot of relationship problems, but both people have to be open to listening and meeting the other person's each other's requests, really. If that's the case, then boundaries can be so beneficial in relationships. Alyssa Scolari: Again, right, Brene Brown has said it best. The temporary discomfort that you experience from setting boundaries is so much better than the long term resentment that will come from not setting them. Alyssa Scolari: So with that said, that wraps up our boundary talk. I'm so excited. I thought that was really, really good and really fun to talk about. And I hope that it is so helpful. It's really helpful for me, really helpful. And I'm very happy to be back and recording. I've got some other good episodes this month. Alyssa Scolari: It is Pride Month. I didn't say that in the beginning of the episode, but happy Pride Month. I hope it's a great Pride Month for everybody. Alyssa Scolari: And I hope that everybody is doing okay. I know that if you are living in the United States, you are probably devastated and still healing from learning of the shooting in Texas of the school children and teachers. I'm just speechless. And I'm at a loss for words. And I feel helpless and hopeless. And it feels like the only thing that I can do is donate money and vote when it comes time. But I don't know. I just feel really hopeless living in this country right now. And there's a big part of me that wants to move. And the gun violence just terrifies me and I'm terrified for the future children of this world. And I could go on. I could go on. I just have a lot of anxiety and a lot of grief. And my heart is so heavy, and I'm so angry. And I know so many of us feel this way. Alyssa Scolari: So I'm with you. We stand together, and we will hold each other up. And thoughts and prayers don't really do anything for those victims. Thoughts and prayers aren't doing it anymore for the continued mass shootings in this country. It's just heinous. I don't know what the answer is, but I know I will be voting and I will be donating to who I can. And if there's anything else that anybody can think that we can do to help or that I can do to help, please let me know. You know where to find me. Alyssa Scolari: And if you don't know where to find me, it's on Instagram, or you can go to the website, which is LightAfterTrauma.com. And the Instagram handle for the podcast is Light After Trauma. We've got some good content on there, so come check us out. If you message me, I will respond to you directly, because I do get the messages. So, yeah. Come say hi. Alyssa Scolari: I hope you enjoyed this episode. I will be back next week with another episode. And until then, I am holding you in the light. Alyssa Scolari: Thanks for listening, everyone. For more information, please head over to LightAfterTrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @LightAfterTrauma, and on Twitter, it is @LightAfterPod. Alyssa Scolari: Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/LightAfterTrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over. Again, that's patreon.com/LightAfterTrauma. Thank you, and we appreciate your support. Speaker 2: (Singing).
How can you properly set boundaries in your relationships? What about managing perceptions? Are they really mad, or were they just tired? Learn the tools from Penn State Communication Arts & Sciences professor, Mandy Goodwin Caporaletti, Ph.D. IN THIS EPISODE: -Why should people set boundaries? -When is the best time to set a new boundary? -What are some examples of common boundaries in relationships that women in particular are less likely to set? -How should people enforce their boundaries, and I have always felt that if someone steps over a boundary it needs to be addressed right then and there, not at a later time. What are your thoughts on that? -What does perception look like in an interpersonal relationship? -What affects the way people perceive their partner's behaviors? -What is perception-checking and how can it be used to help a person's relationship? -What are the signs that a person is making maladaptive attributions about their partner? -What is the difference between being passive, assertive, and aggressive and can you give us some examples? -Being assertive can be uncomfortable for some people - how can they overcome that discomfort? -What is the line between being assertive and actually being unreasonable and hard to live with? -How will being assertive in my relationships positively affect how I see myself or my self-concept? -And so much more! REACH MANDY GOODWIN CAPORALETTI, Ph.D.: https://sites.psu.edu/goodwincaporaletti/ Mandy Goodwin Caproaletti - Associate Teaching Professor - Penn State University | LinkedIn https://www.facebook.com/mandy.goodwin22 https://www.instagram.com/caporalettimandy Book: Conversationally Speaking: Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness REACH KAT: https://www.instagram.com/katkhatibi https://www.facebook.com/katkhatibipodcast Facebook Estrogen Dominance Support: https://www.facebook.com/groups/246063502794666 Facebook General Female Hormonal Imbalances Support Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/461743274271991/ SUPPORT THE PODCAST Leave a 5 Star Review and Share Episodes! https://www.patreon.com/KatKhatibi TRY Femminessence to Balance Hormones Naturally https://femmenessence.com/katkhatibi Use code KAT15 for 15% off any single supplement. And listen to our episode with Dr. Mona Fahoum to learn how it works. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/healthfulgypsy/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/healthfulgypsy/support
Welcome back to the Thoughts That Manifest podcast! I am Ell and I am a mindset and manifestation coach who aims to inspire you to awaken your mind to the limitless potential that is within you. Today's episode I am talking all about boundaries, how to set and communicate your boundaries and what to do when you feel like your boundaries aren't being respected. Be sure to join the exclusive Thoughts That Manifest Community Here If you enjoyed today's episode be sure to share it with someone who may need to hear these messages! Let's connect on Instagram Here! @ellduclos Check out my website here! @ellduclos Let's connect on Twitter Here @ellduclos Work with me: Grab an Astrology Reading Here Grab a Tarot Reading Here Book a Mindset Coaching Session with me Here Grab your Manifesting with the Moon Journal Here Grab 90 shadow work journal prompts Here
In this episode I talk to men's embodiment coach and soon-to-be author, Kristian Stephan-Martin, about his sexy poetry, the polarity "industry," and masculine vs. feminine embodiment. Books mentioned in the episode: - The Radiance Sutras: 112 Gateways to the Yoga of Wonder and Delight (English and Sanskrit Edition): https://www.amazon.com/Radiance-Sutras-Gateways-Delight-Sanskrit/dp/1604076593 ============================== - Follow Kristian on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristianstephanmartin/ - Connect with Kristian on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kristian.stephanmartin - Watch Kristian's TED Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXwNNomxocw - Kristian's course for men, F*ck With Feeling starts June 8th. DM him for more info. ============================
Setting Boundaries is EASY AF when you do this! If you feel ready to become a more confident and magnetic version of you, Join The 21 Day Confidence Love Challenge here: ➡️ https://www.AaronDoughty.com/Love
In this episode, we're talking all things boundaries - what they are, what they aren't, how to figure out what your boundaries are and how to set and enforce them. We'll also discuss why boundaries are the antidote to people-pleasing, the saviour complex and burnout. Click here for $50 off my signature 6-week program, Healing Anxious Attachment
Interview with Marie Gervais. Dr. Marie Gervais is the CEO of Shift Management Inc., specializing in helping people grow into supervisory and managerial positions build their leadership confidence and skills to support their teams in meeting business objectives effectively. Utilizing online courses and web coaching, Shift Management's methods have been successfully implemented and used by managers and career developers across populations and contexts. A Ph.D. holder in Culture and Learning in the Workplace and a sought-after speaker, writer, and curriculum developer, her work is renowned for integrating and integrating the diverse workforce. She has coached more than 500 supervisors, managers, and business owners for career and business success. One of her frameworks in workplace capacity is the S.W.E.L. model of safety, wellness, encouragement, and learning.In this podcast episode you will learn:✨ What does it take to develop a soul-sustaining workplace culture?✨ What are destructive workplace cultural assumptions?✨ How to identify and overcome workplace traumaEnjoy listening.With gratitude,Julia-----Shownotes:Get in touch with Marie:https://shiftworkplace.com/-----
OUR HOSTS: Corinne Foxx - https://www.instagram.com/corinnefoxx/ (@corinnefoxx) Natalie McMillan - https://www.instagram.com/nataliemcm/ (@nataliemcm) and https://www.instagram.com/shopnataliemcmillan/?hl=en (@shopnataliemcmillan) What we're drinking: https://www.vivino.com/US/en/storm-sauvignon-blanc/w/1232126 (2020 Storm Sauvignon Blanc) MEET OUR GUEST: Danielle Bayard Jackson - https://www.instagram.com/daniellebayardjackson/?hl=en (@daniellebayardjackson), https://www.instagram.com/friendforward/?hl=en (@friendforward), and http://www.betterfemalefriendships.com/ (betterfemalefriendships.com) ABOUT OUR GUEST: Danielle Bayard Jackson is a certified friendship coach and national speaker dedicated to teaching women how to create and maintain meaningful female friendships. She founded Friend Forward, a platform for teaching women how to create and sustain meaningful friendships. As a member of the American Sociological Association, Danielle uses the latest research to create practical, tangible strategies to help women create more depth in their platonic relationships. TOPIC: Research shows that your social network expands exponentially until about the age of 25 and then begins to slowly decline as we enter the workforce and settle into adulthood. It can feel difficult and uncomfortable to make friends when you're not in a classroom or dorm, so we invited Danielle on to talk about how to develop meaningful friendships later in life, as well as maintain connections from childhood and college. She shares how she transitioned from an English teacher to certified relationship coach, and what her time as a high school teacher taught her about friendship patterns. She shares the biggest mindset barriers that she sees when it comes to making new friends, what tends to keep us stuck in our bubbles, and how to use your current network to make new friends. In this episode, we discuss: Confronting the false expectations of what we think friendships should be Common challenges when it comes to making a new friend as an adult The natural friendship pruning that takes place throughout life Putting the effort into staying connected with friends when you feel like you're drifting apart Practicing principles of romantic relationships in platonic friendships The difference between making new friends and meeting new people Setting up novel, active experiences to do with other people instead of going out for drinks or a meal RESOURCES MENTIONED: https://podcasts.apple.com/cl/podcast/what-to-do-when-youre-the-friend-whos-always-initiating/id1500460079?i=1000556700225&l=en (What do you do when you're the friend who's always initiating) https://podcasts.apple.com/cl/podcast/5-reasons-you-feel-lonely-even-though-you-have-friends/id1500460079?i=1000534830704&l=en (5 Reasons You Feel Lonely EVEN THOUGH You Have Friends) https://podcasts.apple.com/cl/podcast/navigating-adult-friendships-how-to-set-boundaries/id1526684996?i=1000509233209&l=en (Episode 26: Navigating Adult Friendships, How to Set Boundaries, and Break Up With Toxic Friends) https://podcasts.apple.com/cl/podcast/navigating-adult-relationships-with-your-parents/id1526684996?i=1000538320659&l=en (Episode 61: Navigating Adult Relationships With Your Parents) END OF THE SHOW: Corinne and Natalie introduce Hotties of the Week: Amy Poehler and Tina Fey WINE RATING: https://www.vivino.com/US/en/storm-sauvignon-blanc/w/1232126 (2020 Storm Sauvignon Blanc) = 8.5 / Amy Poehler and Tina Fey WRAP UP: To wrap up the episode, of course we had to play the BFF Quiz. Nat asks Corinne to name one thing that she's embarrassed to admit she wants to try, and Corinne asks Nat if she's proud of what she's doing with her heart and time right now. We have a brand new newsletter for our Am I community. You...
Hey there! Happy Memorial Day! As I know many teachers are spending time with family and celebrating this National holiday, I will make this episode short and sweet. Today we will discuss three tweaks that made the end of the school year different.1. Tweak number one:I've said it before, and I'll say it again-Theme weeks, people!2. Tweak number two:Work at Work- that's right. Do school work at school.3. Which takes me to tweak three- Set Boundaries!Links Mentioned in the Show: Free End-of-the-Year Reader's Theater Superhero ThemedSubscribe and Review: Are you subscribed to my podcast? If you're not, I want to encourage you to do that today. I don't want you to miss an episode. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the mix and if you're not subscribed there's a good chance you'll miss out on those. Click here for iTunes. Now if you're feeling extra loving, I would be really grateful if you left me a review over on iTunes, too. Those reviews help other people find my podcast and they're also fun for me to go in and read. Click here to leave a review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let me know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you!
It's Thursday. This means it's time for another Mommy Talk Thursday. This is when I chat with you and either give you encouragement about a single topic, affirmations that will help you to be a real happy mom, or inspiration to help with this journey called motherhood. Today I am talking about boundaries.REAL HAPPY MOM INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/realhappymomREAL HAPPY MOM COMMUNITY: https://www.realhappymom.com/communityREAL HAPPY MOM MERCH: https://www.realhappymom.com/merchSupport the show
Interview with John Robertson. John Robertson is the Founder and President of FORTLOG Services. John built his services with a focus on an encouragement-based approach, resolving root causes as opposed to treating crisis and transition in the workplace symptomatically, as is often the practice. A trusted thinking partner with 30+ years of assisting individuals and organizations manage all forms of crisis/ change, John leverages a values-anchored ethos as a leadership development specialist, helping organizations and individuals to define the new norm and thrive.In this podcast episode you will learn:✨ What does organizational health mean?✨ What is John's thinking approach when it comes to “optimizing organizational health and wellness”?✨ Why should optimizing organizational health and wellness be a priority for any sized company organization?✨ What are the biggest hurdles for optimizing organizational health and wellness?Enjoy listening.With gratitude,Julia-----Shownotes:Get in touch with John:https://fortlog.co/-----
In this week's episode, Alyssa continues the important discussion from last week surrounding boundaries. Pulling from Nedra Glover Tawwab's book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, this week's discussion centers on the following: Different ways people might react to setting boundaries Why we are often afraid to set boundaries How we can push past our fears around setting boundaries Nedra Tawwab's Instagram: @nedratawwab Order Set Boundaries, Find Peace — Nedra Tawwab Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:00]: Hey everybody, what's up? Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host Alyssa Scolari, talking about boundaries today. This is the part two of a series that we are doing on boundaries. In the first episode, which if you haven't listened to, I highly recommend you go back and check that out. In that first episode, we talked about what are boundaries and why do we need them, why are they so important. We also talked about the different types of boundaries: porous, rigid, and healthy. And we also talked about some of the biggest areas in which people tend to struggle with boundaries the most. Alyssa Scolari [01:08]: As I mentioned in last week's episode, so much of this information is taken from a book that I highly recommend. It is called Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab, and you can also listen to it on Audible if you're not a big reader and you'd rather listen. I listen to the book on Audible. You can go look in the show notes, if you want access to the book, or if you want to follow Nedra on Instagram. She's absolutely amazing therapist and does awesome work with boundaries. And I said this last week, but it is worth repeating, I personally believe that boundaries are the most important tool that you can have with you, not just for healing from trauma, but throughout your entire life. Alyssa Scolari [01:58]: That being said, I also personally believe it's one of the hardest things to do, and it brings up a lot of feelings for people. I feel like I should probably say that. It's really, really hard, particularly for survivors of trauma who have been taught that our needs don't matter. And again, I speak about all of this in the last week's episode, so feel free to go and check that out if you haven't already. That being said, if you haven't listened to it, I don't think that you necessarily do need to listen to it in order to benefit from this episode. I think you can kind of just dive right in today with the rest of us. Alyssa Scolari [02:39]: So just some housekeeping things. I actually know, I started off last week's episode by talking about how I had gone no contact with my family. I know that I've been talking for the last couple of weeks about how I've been struggling a lot with depression, and then some things happened and I went no contact with my family and just wanted to follow up and say that I am hanging in there. I'm doing all right. I think that I'm better than I've been in a long time. I'm taking space and time to grieve and to give myself grace. But overall, I think I am better than I've been in a really long time. So feeling good, feeling energized, excited to be out of that depressive funk. It was awful. So really excited to be out of that, really excited to just have a new kind of zest for life. Alyssa Scolari [03:44]: It's been really hot here where I live, so I've been staying hydrated, trying to stay cool, but I've also gotten a chance to really enjoy the outdoors. I've been posting pictures on my Instagram, so if you have an Instagram and you want to go check it out, my Instagram is Light After Trauma. And our backyard is looking amazing. We have been building it into this little like oasis and we have tons of plants with really bright, happy flowers. And then we made this giant... Well, not giant, but we made this patio space and we have a little waterfall and we got a fire pit and we got furniture. And then we got string lights that hang above the patio. So at night, you sit out there with a fire on and the sounds of the waterfall and the beautiful lights, and it is just dreamy. It is so dreamy. Alyssa Scolari [04:45]: I have been having the most fun with David making our backyard the perfect oasis. We have a very small yard. I, by no means, want to come across as acting like we have this giant yard because we really don't. It's super tiny, but we have absolutely made the most of the space, and I just couldn't be more thrilled. So I highly recommend that you go check it out. I mean, if you're into that sort of thing. Alyssa Scolari [05:15]: So that's been really fun. And then on the EMDR front, because I have not given anyone an EMDR update in a while. So those of you who might remember, a few months ago, I had told you that I was getting ready to start EMDR. And if that is a new word or a new acronym for you, I do an episode with LCSW Melissa Parks on the podcast, that you can go check it out and see what EMDR is. It is a treatment for trauma, and it's supposed to be a highly effective treatment for trauma, one in which you aren't necessarily required to talk about your memories bit by bit. And it really, as far as I understand, helps to rewire your brain. I have heard from so many people that EMDR is absolutely life changing and I am starting it for myself. And if I love it and I feel that it's really effective and really great, I am going to go ahead and then get trained in it for my clients. Alyssa Scolari [06:19]: Speaking of which, I am accepting new clients right now. So if you are living in the states of Florida or New Jersey, and soon to be Massachusetts, feel free, you can reach out to me. If you are interested in working together, or if you know anybody who needs therapy, feel free to reach out. I'd love to work with you. I'm excited to finally be accepting new clients, but I digress. Alyssa Scolari [06:44]: So back to the EMDR, I had started with a guy a couple of months ago at this point, I want to say like March and he kept... Well, first of all, he didn't show up for our second appointment. But aside from that, he kept messing up the times of our appointments. He would text me and say, “Hey, what time are we meeting?” Like, several times. Once in a while, of course, whatever, all therapists are human, but this was several times right out of the gate when we started working together. And it was starting to stir up some abandonment stuff in me, because I'm like, why doesn't this person care enough to write down when we're meeting? So I ended my treatment with that person and I was really proud of myself because I didn't just ghost. It's easier, I think in some ways to ghost, but I actually stated very clearly what my issue was. So I was really proud of myself for doing that. And then I found another therapist that I met with and it just wasn't a good match at all. Alyssa Scolari [07:57]: This therapist had said something that I found offensive, and I tried to give that person the benefit of the doubt. But then as the session went on, this person wasn't necessarily fully listening to my answers to the questions that I was being asked. They would ask me a question, but then as I would answer it, they would be not even looking at me, on another computer, typing out the answer to the previous question. So then they would get done typing, I've already answered their next question, and then they would look at me and be like, “Oh, what'd you say again?” And I was like, “Ooh, ooh, I don't... I don't like this.” It just didn't feel good. It's a personal preference. I don't like when somebody's looking at a computer screen the whole time when I'm sharing intimate details of my trauma. I don't like it. It makes me feel unsafe. Alyssa Scolari [08:58]: So I found somebody new and I met with this new person on last week, I don't know, one day, but I absolutely loved her. There were no red flags for me. I felt comfortable and I'm really looking forward to working with this person. So I am really hoping that it works out. And honestly, this just goes to show you that you are allowed to be super picky when it comes to a therapist. I know I've done episodes like this in the past, but I just want to reiterate, you can and should be picky with your therapist. Do not settle. If there's something in you, that's like, “Hey, this isn't quite right.” You have to go with that feeling. And because I went with those feelings in my gut, I have now found somebody who I think is going to be a really, really good fit for me. Alyssa Scolari [09:53]: So I'm really excited about that. So I will keep you all posted. I haven't officially gotten into the EMDR stuff yet, but I will let you know how that process goes. It's supposed to be really difficult and really tiring. It gets a lot worse before it gets better, but I'm really looking forward to it nonetheless. So I will keep you all posted. Alyssa Scolari [10:16]: Okay. So getting right back into it today, we are talking more about boundaries and just some more information why people don't set boundaries, what the fear is around setting boundaries, and how to appropriately deal with that fear. As I talked about in the last week's episode, there are so many reasons why we need boundaries. And people experiencing burnout and stress and conflict in their relationships, they are just a few of the many, many reasons. One thing that I did not mention last week is we talk about burnout and how burnout is a direct... Well, not always direct, but it is more often than not, a sign of having poor boundaries. And one of the places where people tend to experience burnout and difficulty with boundaries in general is in the work field, the workforce, particularly when we talk about doctors. Alyssa Scolari [11:24]: So according to Nedra Tawwab in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, burnout from doctors and surgeons costs this country $4.6 billion a year, $4.6 billion. How does that happen? You might be asking, how does burnout cost money? Well, it cost money because as a result of burnout, doctors are making medical mistakes and misdiagnoses that will then go on to cost, whether in the form of having to redo tests or rewrite prescriptions, or even in the form of lawsuits. It will cost $4.6 billion. So there is no question here like, are boundaries important? Can we live without them? We can't. We ultimately can't live a healthy life without them, quite literally. It can cost some people their lives. It can cost some people their careers. It can cost people their relationships. Alyssa Scolari [12:36]: Boundaries are really uncomfortable to set. They are really, really scary. But as Brené Brown has once said, and this is also taken directly from Nedra's book, “Sometimes we need to choose that temporary discomfort over eventual long term resentment.” So yes, boundaries will create this temporary discomfort, but it's preferred over this long term resentment where you start to resent your job, or you start to resent your partner, or you start to resent your friend or whatever it may be. The short term discomfort is much more desired, quite honestly, and experiencing that temporary discomfort is only one of the many reasons in which for why people are afraid to set boundaries. There are other reasons that people are afraid of setting boundaries. And one of those reasons is like, I have a fear of being rejected. This one is definitely true for me. I think that I am afraid of every reason for not setting boundaries that you could possibly have. Like, I have all of them. Fear of rejection or possible abandonment. Is this person going to leave me? Is this person going to reject me? Are they going to walk away from me? Alyssa Scolari [14:03]: Another reason is assuming it's not going to work, “Ah, it's not going to work. You don't know this person.” I often get this response. When I talk about setting boundaries with people, I often will get this like, “Ah, you don't know this person.” Like, they've been stuck in their ways for years and there's no use in asking them to change now. It's not going to be effective. I personally think that that's a cop out. I really do. Because you can't predict how somebody's going to react, and you can say that they're not going to change, but ultimately you don't know unless you start reinforcing that boundary. Alyssa Scolari [14:51]: So I sort of think that this one is a little bit of a cop out. Like I can see that this is a genuine reason why, and I too have said to... You know, I have found myself saying to my therapist like, “Oh, you know, this person's never going to change. There's no point in trying to set a boundary.” And honestly, when I look back at it, I'm like, that was such a cop out. I just was afraid. I was just afraid. Alyssa Scolari [15:14]: So that is another reason. An additional reason is you get your value from helping others. This is going to ring true for my people pleasers out there. If you get your value from helping others, we need to look at that. We need to reevaluate. I find this to be true with so many folks, especially those who didn't get their needs met in childhood. We have been taught that it is our job to serve others, to be there for others. And eventually, we learn that our worth lies in what we can do for other people. If you get your value from helping other people, it's definitely something to look at. That's not to say that you shouldn't enjoy helping others. You can, but when you get to a point where you feel like you're not good enough, as long as you are not helping somebody, then we've got to talk about that because you are worthy just as you are. You're worth does not depend on what you do. Alyssa Scolari [16:23]: Another reason people don't set boundaries is because they feel mean doing it. They feel like people are mean, or they feel like what they're doing is going to be mean. It could be that they feel like other people are mean, but that kind of falls under the same category as rejection. This is more like, you know, I feel like I'm being mean by saying, “Hey, I can't pick up the phone right now. I know it's 10:00 o'clock. I know you're having a panic attack. I'm sorry, I can't pick up the phone.” That is so hard to do, and I completely understand why it feels mean. I too have been there. Being a therapist, people will reach out to me for advice all of the time. Well, a little less so now, because my boundaries are so much better. Alyssa Scolari [17:12]: But I remember one time, I had a friend who was in a very abusive relationship, and this person would call me all the time or text me all the time and ask me for advice, for support, or help. Would even ask me to talk to their partner. Like, “Hey, please talk to this person, please. You know, you're a therapist, please try to knock some sense into this person.” And you know what? Back then, years ago, I felt like I had to. When this person would text me at 10:00 o'clock at night, telling me that they had to leave the house because their partner was throwing an abusive fit, I felt like I had to pick up the phone and talk. When this person would say, “Hey, can you please talk to my partner? My partner really needs help, they're being abusive.” I felt like I had to. I would pick up the phone, I would talk to my friend, I would talk to their partner. I would quite literally be doing like couples therapy things, which I should have never done. Alyssa Scolari [18:18]: Again, I wasn't really doing therapy, but it was just like, I was giving advice. I was filling a role that they should have had a therapist fill. And I started to feel a lot of resentment. I started to feel like I was only useful to this person so long as I was giving them some kind of advice on what they can do with their partner. And guess what? That person never took any of my advice, never, ever took any of my advice. Over time, I started to feel a ton of resentment, but I could not set that boundary because I felt mean. I felt mean. Eventually, the level of resentment that I had outweighed any fear I had of being mean and I finally set that boundary and was like, “Hey, I can't do this. You know, I've been doing my best, but like, I can't. I'm burnt out, I'm spent.” And you know what? I felt really mean doing it and guess what? That person, we don't actually talk anymore. But the reason we don't talk isn't because I was mean. Setting limits for yourself is not a mean thing. Alyssa Scolari [19:33]: As I said in last week's episode, you have to set those limits because people thrive off of you not setting boundaries. People love that because then you give and give and give, but nobody can look out for you more than you have to look out for you. Saying no is not mean. And oftentimes, we can kind of trace this back to our childhoods, where we are taught that other people's needs matter more than ours. I know that's certainly the case for me. Therefore, I felt like I couldn't tell anybody no, and I know that's the case for many trauma survivors. Alyssa Scolari [20:15]: That being said, this is much easier said than done, but it is not mean to set boundaries. It's important to remember, and this is also a brilliant little nugget of wisdom from Nedra's book. People are only going to treat you as well as you treat yourself. So if you're not having good boundaries, if you're not taking care of yourself, other people are not going to treat you that well either. In the case of this friend that I was talking about, I wasn't treating myself well. I was picking up the phone in the middle of the night. I was talking to this person for hours on end, knowing that this person never once sort of like returned in the favor and never once said, “Oh, hey, you know, tell me about you.” I wasn't taking good care of myself. And because I wasn't, because I didn't say how I felt or call things out right from the get-go, I kind of opened the door to let this person take full advantage of me essentially. Alyssa Scolari [21:23]: And then one of the other ways that I think that causes people, or one of the other things that I think causes people to not set boundaries, and I can't quite remember if this got talked about in the book, I'm sure it did, but this is something that I've noticed a lot just simply within myself or within my practice or just my day to day life is that a lot of people assume that other people should already know something. A lot of people say like, “Oh, well, it's common sense.” Like common sense would tell you, especially a lot of maybe business owners or really anybody. Let's say you're out to dinner on a Friday night with your friends and your friend keeps getting this call from her boss, “Oh, my boss keeps calling me. My boss keeps calling me.” And the friend gets frustrated and she's like, “Well, common sense would tell my boss not to call me on a Friday night when I'm off the clock.” A lot of people often do this with children too. “Common sense should tell my teenager not to ride their bike on a busy highway.” Alyssa Scolari [22:35]: But the thing we have to remember is that common sense isn't common. Common sense is very much dependent on how you grew up, the messages that you were raised with. There really is no such thing as common sense. Common sense isn't common to people. And we can't assume that other people can read our minds, and I think that's where a lot of us get tripped up, including myself. I see this especially happening with partners and relationships. I will do this to David. I'll be like, well, common sense should tell him when I'm upset if I had a really long day at work. Alyssa Scolari [23:13]: The other day I came home and I was really hurting over all this stuff with my family, and I came home pretty late and he is home and he gets ready to go outside and start doing a project in the backyard. And in my head, I'm getting so mad at him and I'm feeling abandoned because I'm like, “Dude, common sense would tell you, like I worked literally all day. I'm so upset. You know I'm so upset. Like, common sense would tell you that I actually really need you to sit with me tonight and just like be with me.” But again, common sense isn't common. It means nothing because when my husband is upset, what he likes to do is get lost in a project. So common sense for him is to start doing a project, start trying to work through some of these emotions by building something or working on something outside or taking care of the garden. That's common sense for him. Alyssa Scolari [24:22]: So it's different. We cannot assume that other people can read our minds. It was unfair of me to assume that he can read my mind. I never once said, “I really need you.” I wanted him to just know, but that was the part of me that was wanting a parent. That was that childish yearning in me. Like, I just need a parent to simply know what my needs are. So something that's very important to keep in mind. Alyssa Scolari [24:54]: Now, in terms of how people might react to boundaries. There's really no way of knowing for sure, but there are a couple different ways according to Nedra Tawwab's book, Set, Boundaries, Find Peace, that we can categorize people's reactions to boundaries. Now, people might get defensive. I think if you've been in this relationship for a long time, it's very likely that somebody might get defensive and be like, “Well, where is this coming from?” Or they try to justify their behavior and they try to convince you that their behavior's okay. So that could be one way people might react to you setting boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [25:36]: People might question your boundaries. People might have a lot of questions, well, again, “Why is this coming up right now? Like, why? I've been doing this for years with you? This is the relationship we've had for years. Like, why do we have to change it now?” People will also test the limits. You bet they will. It's in our human nature. Our human nature is to rebel, is to test the limits. Nobody likes to be told no. I get it. I hate being told no. Part of the reason why setting boundaries is so hard for me is because I know I don't like to be told no. It's really difficult for me. So people are going to test the limits. It is something that absolutely is to be expected. Alyssa Scolari [26:28]: People also might engage in passive-aggressive behaviors, like ghosting. Ghosting is when people just stop responding to you. So you set a boundary and then you don't hear from this person at all. They don't talk to you. I have this happen frequently within my workspace. That actually happened twice over the last week. It doesn't happen often. It always isn't often that I have to kind of set firm boundaries. I do, of course, but these boundaries that I had to set were really, really difficult and really firm. And as a result, I was ghosted and it's okay, it happens. It's part of how people respond and react in treatment and in the world. Therapy is literally like a little microcosm of how people behave in the world. I set a boundary, I was ghosted. That's one passive-aggressive behavior that people do in response to boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [27:45]: Another passive-aggressive behavior is the silent treatment. So very short responses, especially if you live with this person or even maybe through text. This person once used emojis to talk to you and exclamation points, but now all of a sudden, they're responding with like, “Yes, no, okay, good night.” I see this happen so often, especially in my teens who are in relationships with other people or with our best friends. They get mad at their best friend and instead of saying how they feel, they'll be like, “K.” Send. That's the text. And it is well known in the teen world that when you write K. and you send that text, that means that you are really pissed off, but that is a passive-aggressive behavior. That is considered the silent treatment. You know, this person doesn't answer for days, whatever it might be, it's passive-aggressive. Alyssa Scolari [28:50]: And then another thing that I see that often can be very passive-aggressive is people sort of throwing your boundary in your face a little bit. So people will say things like, “Oh, well, I was going to ask you to come out with us.” Okay, let's say, for example, you don't want to drink and you have a friend who is always pressuring you to drink. Whenever you go out, they're like, “Hey, come on, have a drink, have a drink.” And you're like, “No, no, no, no, no. I really don't want to.” And it makes you uncomfortable. So let's say after a few months of this, or a few weeks of this even, you go and you set a boundary with this person and you're like, you know, “Hey, I really don't appreciate it when you keep pressuring me to drink when we are out in public. You know I don't like to drink. Please do not pressure me anymore. If you continue to pressure me, I'm just going to leave, so I am not sitting there feeling uncomfortable.” And this friend's like, “Okay, all right, sure. I get it.” Alyssa Scolari [30:03]: And then the next week later, let's say, it's the weekend, you log onto Instagram and you see that this friend is out with a bunch of other people, a bunch of your mutual friends, and you did not get invited. So you go to this friend and you say, you know, “Hey, why didn't you invite me?” And this friend goes, “Oh, well, you don't like to drink and you didn't want to feel pressured so I just figured I wouldn't put you in that situation.” That is so passive-aggressive. When people use your boundary against you, it is so passive-aggressive. This is something that was done to me all the time, all the time when I was younger and even in my earlier adulthood. To this day, even talking about it, it just drives me nuts. Alyssa Scolari [30:58]: The other thing is like all of these responses and reactions that people have, they're really difficult. It kind of seems like, “Okay, well, why am I setting this boundary in the first place?” If people can react in all types of bad ways, you have to remember that you setting a boundary is for your peace. It's about peace for you. It's about health for you. You can't control how other people react. In fact, if somebody reacts in a negative way, that is likely a sign that you needed to set that boundary in the first place. And it's so important to remember that other people's reactions are not about you. The way that other people respond to boundaries has nothing to do with you. The fact of the matter is that boundaries can solve a lot of relationship problems, but they can only be solved if both people are open to listening and meeting the other's requests. Alyssa Scolari [32:11]: Now, I do also want to say this, relationships where boundaries are extremely difficult is where there is abuse happening or abuse that happened. It is so difficult to set boundaries where abuse took place, because it's the ultimate violation. It is the ultimate violation. So it sort of feels like a little bit strange for somebody to kind of violate you, especially if it's like physical abuse, sexual abuse, continued emotional abuse. This person has violated you in some of the worst ways. It's very hard to build boundaries after that. I'm not saying that it can't be done. It absolutely can be. I've seen it be done. I've seen loads of people where there's been some sort of tragedy or trauma or abuse, and then people have rebuilt that relationship and have had really good boundaries, but it's extremely difficult. Alyssa Scolari [33:17]: And I wouldn't recommend trying it without the help of a therapist. I really wouldn't because we just don't know. We just don't know what's going to happen. You don't know what's going to come up for you. So I really don't recommend trying it without the help of a licensed professional who can support you in this process and who can help you to see if boundaries are even possible. Because the thought of setting boundaries with somebody who was abusive, it can bring up so much. And depending on how that person reacts, it could potentially open the door for further traumatization. Again, I'm not saying always, but I do think it's something that we must keep in mind when it comes to boundary setting, is that it's sort of a whole different ball game when you're dealing with somebody who has been, or is abusive. Alyssa Scolari [34:11]: All in all, this is what we are working with right now. We know what boundaries are, we understand why they're important. Now, we understand why people are so afraid to set them. We understand how people might react. The worst case scenario is that this relationship is over. That is the worst case scenario. I am not going to sit here and say that, that never happens because it does. And it has happened to me multiple times where I've tried to set a boundary and the relationship has been over as the result. It does happen. It doesn't happen all the time. I think that you would be surprised at how well people are able to respect your boundaries when you start setting them. People will respect you more because they see that you respect yourself more. People see that they have no choice, but to respect you. And that is going to help you live the most beautiful, most peaceful life. Alyssa Scolari [35:22]: If somebody leaves because you have set a boundary, it's heartbreaking, it's devastating, but that too is temporary. And it is better than the long term resentment and anger that you will deal with by not setting the boundaries and by feeling like other people are walking all over you. Again, this is truly one of the hardest things I believe, but it truly is the key for living a good life. And that is what we want, baby. That is what we want. Alyssa Scolari [36:05]: So that is a wrap for today. We are still going to keep talking about this because we've got a lot more to talk about. Again, the majority of this information is taken from Nedra Tawwab's Set Boundaries, Find Peace. So it's a really good read. If you want to read it, you can go check out the show notes. Everything that you need is in the show notes for today. I hope that you all have a wonderful week. I will see you next week. And until then, I will be holding you in the light. Alyssa Scolari [36:35]: Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma. And on Twitter, it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over, again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you and we appreciate your support.
GUYS, WE'RE SO MAD TODAY. This week we're covering August Osage County (2013), in which Meryl Streep is tortures everyone in her family and Julia Roberts comes unhinged like a barn door in a tornado. Ross breaks down the depravity of the Weston family, Carie screams over the various literal crimes that are happening, and the siblings recieve an education on the tragically not-well-known story of Misty Upham. Related Media: Charles Upham: "My daughter was a victim of rape..."; August: Osage County Actress Misty Upham Missing; Father of Misty Upham Speaks out Against Sexual Violence Copyright 2022 Sorry Mom Productions
Have you ever wished you could set healthier boundaries with your family, friends, co-workers and others in your life? Do you feel your mental health has suffered because of a lack of healthy boundaries in various aspects of your life? If so, you'll get some great suggestions from our guest on this episode, relationship therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of the new book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. ****** Thanks to our sponsor of this episode! --> AirMedCare Network: AirMedCare Network provides world-class air transport services to the nearest, appropriate hospital or trauma center. AMCN Members have the added value of knowing their flight expenses are completely covered when flown by an AMCN provider. For as little as $85 a year, it covers your entire household, every day, 24/7, even when traveling. AMCN is the largest medical air transport membership in the country, covering 38 states. For just pennies a day, you can worry less about what matters most. This is security no family should be without. Now, as a Nobody Told Me! listener, you'll get up to a $50 eGift Card when you join. Visit www.airmedcarenetwork.com/nobody and use the offer code NOBODY. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
058. When you're passionate about what you do and who you serve, it can be hard to say “no” and far too easy to fill every minute of every day with something work related. However, as a small business owner myself who has suffered from burnout, put my marriage in jeopardy for the sake of my business, and battled workaholic tendencies, I can tell you firsthand that if you don't have boundaries within your business, you, your loved ones, and your clients will eventually suffer. We've talked about the importance of setting boundaries and how to set boundaries on Priority Pursuit before, but today, I want to break down the three kinds of boundaries all small business owners need to set so that you can protect yourself, your relationships, and your client experience. These boundaries include: Boundaries that protect your mental, physical, and spiritual health Boundaries that allow you to prioritize relationships Boundaries that enable you to serve your clients well You can find a more detailed version of this episode's show notes at: https://victoriarayburnphotography.com/three-kinds-bounaries-small-business-owners-need-set. Mentioned Links & Resources “Episode 002: How My Business Almost Cost Me My Marriage” - https://victoriarayburnphotography.com/how-my-business-almost-cost-me-my-marriage/ “Episode 003: How to Set Boundaries in Your Business & Get Your Clients to Respect Them” - https://victoriarayburnphotography.com/how-set-boundaries-your-business-get-your-clients-respect-them/ Save 50% on Your First Six Months of Quickbooks Self-Employed - http://victoriarayburnphotography.com/quickbooks/ Receive 50% Off Your First Order with Photographer's Edit - http://victoriarayburnphotography.com/pe/ Join the Priority Pursuit Podcast Facebook Community - https://www.facebook.com/groups/179106264013426 Follow or DM Victoria on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/victorialrayburn/
Get the Peak Performance Planner:https://www.amazon.com/dp/173730922X?ref=myi_title_dp&th=1---It's been two years that you have been working from home and now your employer is asking you to return to the office. Are you resisting it? Do you feel overwhelmed and don't know how to manage this new situation? In today's podcast episode I want to share a few helpful strategies with you that make the return to office transition more seamless.In this podcast episode you will learn:✨ The 5 most important strategies to return to the office seamlessly✨ How you can stick to your new formed routines when going back to work✨ Why sleep and sleep planning is going to be more important than ever Enjoy listening. With gratitude,Julia------
This week on the podcast Alyssa discusses a brand new, multi-episode topic. Pulling from Nedra Glover Tawwab's book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, Alyssa discusses what boundaries are, why we need them, and some of the most prominent areas in which people struggle to set boundaries. Nedra Tawwab's Instagram: @nedratawwab Order Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hi everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari. Glad to be back here today. We are talking about boundaries which is in my opinion, one of the most important tools too, and not just healing, but also one of the most important tools that you can use in your everyday life as you go throughout your entire life. You need boundaries all of the time. Alyssa Scolari [00:50]: So before we get into that, just a few housekeeping things. If I have not gotten back to you yet, I know a few of you have reached out to me on Patreon. If I haven't gotten back to you yet, please forgive me. It's been a little bit hectic. I know that in the last episode, I talked about how I have really been struggling with depression. And at the time that I recorded that episode, I was saying like, "I just don't know why I feel this way, and I have done absolutely everything I can do to try to make myself feel better. I've tried to take care of myself to the best of my ability, and yet still, here I am so depressed." Alyssa Scolari [01:31]: Now in the time between when I recorded that episode, and when I am recording this episode, I have a lot more insight into why I was feeling the way that I was feeling. I thought that I understood maybe a part of why I was feeling really depressed with the anniversary of my mom getting really sick, but now that I've ... Well, I should say now that certain events in my life have unfolded, I can confidently say that I know more about why I was feeling so depressed, and I think that emphasizes the importance of hanging in there and riding the wave even if you don't understand what's happening because sometimes we don't understand what's happening, but it's important to hang in there anyway because I am on the mend. Alyssa Scolari [02:24]: Well, somewhat. I will continue to get better, and I now understand that I was gearing up for a goodbye. And I'm just going to briefly touch on what has happened. I will more than likely do an episode where I go into a little bit more depth about it, but I don't know for sure yet, I'm still trying to process what happened. And I'm still trying to grieve and figure out for myself what life is going to look like now because this truly was the hardest decision that I have ever made in my life. Alyssa Scolari [03:09]: I have made the decision to go no contact with my family and briefly, I had a falling out with my brother shortly after I recorded last week's episode. And due to the falling out with my brother, I terminated that relationship because I realized that it was not healthy for me at all, and hasn't been healthy for me for probably 30 years. And so I terminated that relationship. And as a result of terminating that relationship, my mother and I had a falling out about that. And it was really at that point that I knew for me that these relationships aren't going to work in my life no matter how much I wish that they would. Alyssa Scolari [04:12]: So I realize that it's time, it's time to walk away, it's time to say goodbye. It's time to step back from all of this, and as much as it hurt me, I don't question whether or not I did the right thing. I know that I have done the right thing. I don't question that because it was so harmful for me to continue in relationships where I can't be my authentic self, and so I had to walk away and it's ironic I think that this episode, we are talking about boundaries because this was a result. Alyssa Scolari [04:57]: This incident was a result of me trying to set boundary after boundary that just wasn't working and when it comes to family conflict or any kind of conflict, going no contact like right now, I think we are really in cut you off culture. "Well, you're not doing things my way, so I'm just going to cut you off." And a lot of people do that and that's passive aggressive when we're not actually explicitly stating the problem, that can be pretty passive aggressive, but cut off or cutting somebody off, not this cutoff culture that we live in where we're so quick to just be like, "I'm done with you." Alyssa Scolari [05:41]: Making the decision to go no contact with somebody or cut somebody off is typically or should be if exercised in the appropriate way, it should be a decision that comes after years and years or not even years, but after multiple failed attempts at trying to repair the relationships or trying to establish boundaries in the relationships, right? That's when we start talking about, "Do I even want to be in this relationship, friendship, et cetera, if things aren't improving?" So when I say that I went no contact, I by no means want to give the impression that this was an impulsive decision or something that I have done without ever really trying to fix the problem. Alyssa Scolari [06:30]: This is something that for me personally has been 30 years in the making. And again, I don't question whether I did the right thing or the wrong thing. I know it was the right thing for me, but there is a heavy amount of grief there just because it was the right decision doesn't mean that it hasn't been really difficult for me. There's a lot of grief, there's a lot of pain, there's a lot of anger and it feels like I've been preparing for it this whole last month with how depressed I was feeling. Alyssa Scolari [07:13]: I started reading Harry Potter again and mind you, I don't like J.K. Rowling, and I do not buy things now that support her. I have the books Harry Potter is, and always will be one of the most important parts of my childhood and my adulthood apparently. So I don't like Joanne Rowling. She is a trans exclusionary, radical feminist. She is extremely transphobic. She is very, very harmful to the transgender community, so don't support her at all as an aside, but I have been reading Harry Potter and Harry Potter is something that got me through so much when I was younger. So, so much. Alyssa Scolari [08:03]: This boy that has been hurt time after time after time and had nobody there or seemingly nobody there, but persisted anyway. And I started picking up those books again recently, and I've been really, really into them and just really drawn into to that world. And I think because emotionally speaking, there are so many parallels with Harry Potter's worlds and mine, and so in a way it feels like I knew this was coming. Alyssa Scolari [08:38]: I think my body was just preparing and then it happened, and I feel a lot of things, grief and relief. The whole gamut of emotions is what I feel. So I have been really just taking time to heal and recover and learn how to move through my life, and I guess just heal. That's the bottom line, I'm figuring out how to heal. So if I'm less responsive on Patreon, bear with me. If I'm less responsive on Instagram, also bear with me. Alyssa Scolari [09:19]: I am just taking my time to move through all of the feelings as they come, and we will see where I'm at next week. I will, of course update you on how I'm feeling and things of that nature, but that is what happened. I had to go no contact with my family and it sucked. It sucked, bottom line. So enough about that. Let's get into what we're talking about today, and what we're talking about today is boundaries as I mentioned. Alyssa Scolari [09:50]: So boundaries is, or boundaries are the one thing that I think so many people hate when it comes to therapy and healing and recovery because they are the hardest things to set. I believe, especially for trauma survivors who have typically had some part of our bodies or minds controlled by somebody else, trauma survivors who have been made to feel like their body isn't their own or their voice doesn't matter. We really struggle with boundaries, and I really struggled with boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [10:31]: I once had a supervisor tell me several jobs ago that I had terrible boundaries. Actually, she didn't say I had terrible boundaries. She said I had shitty boundaries, yelled at me and told me that I had boundaries. I was horrified by that. I was super young. I was super new in the field, and I look back at that and I'm like, huh? She was right. Now, don't get me wrong. She was so, so wrong to say that, and it was so inappropriate of her to say that, and I was so angry at how she said that to me, but she was right, she was absolutely right. Alyssa Scolari [11:15]: And I have had to work so hard over the last several years to make my boundaries healthier. I believe that boundaries are a work in progress. I think we are always working on them, and I don't think we ever get to the space where we're like a hundred percent perfect in all of our boundaries. I don't know, maybe we do, but I've never met anybody who's a hundred percent perfect in all of their boundaries, but it's something to always be worked on because at the end of the day, boundaries are the gateway to healing, they are the gateway to peace. Alyssa Scolari [11:53]: They are the gateway to good and happy and healthy relationships with ourselves, and others. Boundaries are everything. I firmly believe that, and so many other therapists out there also believe that. So we are talking about this right now. What are boundaries? Why do we need them? How do I know if I have poor boundaries? What do I do if I have terrible boundaries? How do I get better? Why is this so scary for me? How do I move past the anxiety around setting boundaries? Alyssa Scolari [12:30]: We're talking about all of it, and we are not going to be able to fit all of it into one episode. So this is going to be a multiple episode topic, but we're getting through it because I think that this is one of the most useful tools to have in your tool belt. Dare I say it is the most useful tool, at least for me, it's been the most useful. Absolutely. So over the course of the next few episodes, I am going to be pulling a lot of information from one of my favorite books about boundaries, and the author of this book is Nedra Glover Tawwab, and if you don't follow her on Instagram, you absolutely should. Alyssa Scolari [13:21]: She is incredible. She has 1.5 million followers. She is phenomenal, a phenomenal therapist. So I will link her Instagram as well as the book in the show notes. So you can feel free to go and check that out, but the title of her book is called Set Boundaries, Find Peace, A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. This book is amazing. It's not super long. I have listened to it several times on Audible, so I just listened to it in my car when I'm driving. Alyssa Scolari [13:58]: I highly recommend this book. It was truly life changing for me, and I think that this book was part of the reason why I was able to get to a place where I said no more to my relationship with my family. So let's get right into it. The first question being, what are boundaries? And I think this is one of the first chapters in Nedra's book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. What in the world are boundaries? How do we define boundaries? Right? Alyssa Scolari [14:30]: That word in itself when I bring it up to people, a lot of people, they know what they are, but have trouble putting words to it. So we're going to break it down very simply which is boundaries are rules or expectations that need to be met in order for relationships whether that relationship is with ourselves or with other people. Rules, expectations that need to be met in order for relationships to operate in a healthy manner. In order for us to be happy, boundaries are required. Alyssa Scolari [15:15]: So let's break that down a little bit, right? It might make sense at first to be like, "Okay, well, I understand why boundaries might be needed with other people, but what do you mean myself? How do I set boundaries with myself?" And sometimes, that looks like getting on a schedule, having a routine, making time to detox from technology, right? Getting off the phone, getting off the computer. All of these little things that we do are self-boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [15:49]: They're boundaries that we have with ourselves to keep ourselves happy and healthy. So why do we need them? Why on earth do we need boundaries? Well obviously, it keeps us happy and healthy, but what happens when we don't have them? What happens if we don't have boundaries that are strong enough or boundaries that are too strong? Well, according to Nedra, relationships that are complicated or relationships that don't have great boundaries are among the leading causes of anxiety. Alyssa Scolari [16:29]: So poor relationships, relationships that aren't healthy, relationships that need improvement on boundaries are one of the biggest causes of anxiety. And that makes so much sense because so many people come to therapy, not just in a vacuum, right? People don't come to therapy and just say, "Well, I am struggling with depression." Or, "I have an eating disorder." No, behind the depression, behind the eating disorder, behind the anxiety disorder is typically, "Well, I have problems with this person and I have issues at work, and my boss is making me work 60 hours a week, and my mother won't stop calling me and my partner won't let me talk to other people of the opposite sex." Alyssa Scolari [17:19]: People come to therapy with problems that involve more often than not other people. I have never sat down with a client who came to me with a problem, and the problem was just a little, just about them. This problem almost always encompasses other people. So when we don't have boundaries, we don't have healthy enough boundaries, we tend to fail in our relationships or our relationships don't serve us, and this can exacerbate mental health disorders, and especially for somebody who has trauma, has a history of trauma, this can really exacerbate PTSD symptoms. Alyssa Scolari [18:05]: So how do you know if you are somebody who doesn't have great boundaries? Well, a lack of boundaries in itself can trigger an onset of tons of negative things, right? Including resentment and anxiety and depression and avoidance can also include overwhelm, feelings of burnout. These are all signs that boundaries are poor. I learned in grad school, I think one of the most important things that I learned in grad school and a tool that I keep in my back pocket to this day is my professor said it, Dr. Jim Hall who is amazing, love Dr. Hall. Alyssa Scolari [18:57]: He said to us one day in class, "If you are feeling burned out, if you are feeling stressed out, if you are starting to resent some of the clients that you are working with, that is a sign that you need better boundaries in your life." And I have never forgotten that. So this day, if I find myself getting not necessarily resentful because I don't really resent my clients, but sometimes if I get frustrated, if I feel like I'm working really, really hard, and this person isn't necessarily like meeting me halfway, or if I start to get burned out and I start to feel really, really overwhelmed, I know that that problem is my problem. Alyssa Scolari [19:46]: That's not a problem for my clients. The problem isn't my clients, it's never my clients. If I'm feeling some kind of way, that is because my boundaries aren't good enough or because something is going on within me, it's not the client's fault at all. That is a sign that my boundaries aren't as great as they could be. And so to this day, every time I felt this way, I have made it a point to readjust my boundaries, tighten them up a little, and then I feel so much better, and I enjoy my job so much more because here's the thing, right? Alyssa Scolari [20:22]: We live in this world where we almost shame selfishness in some ways. In some areas, we shame selfishness, right? Oh, you're being so selfish. Oh, why don't you care about anybody else? And then of course, in other ways, I feel like we live in a very, at least in the United States, right? It's very every man for himself, every woman for himself, every person for themselves. But in some ways, I find when it includes mental health and relationships, interpersonal relationships, it is more along the lines of we get shamed for putting ourselves first. Alyssa Scolari [21:11]: Oh, well, how could you not pick up the phone when that person needs you? You're not a good person. Why aren't you, why aren't you helping them move this weekend? And the thing about that is at the end of the day, you cannot save anybody else if you don't put your oxygen mask on first. You can't help other people if you can't help yourself and you will continue to have relationships where you feel resentful, or you feel like your needs aren't getting met until you decide that you have to come first, until you decide that you looking out for you is not selfish. Alyssa Scolari [21:58]: It is self-care. It is a requirement for survival for thriving. You have to look out for you first. Now, this is a really hard concept for people who are chronic people pleasers. I was raised as a people pleaser. I was raised that it doesn't matter what's going on in your life, it doesn't matter what's happening in your world. You need to drop everything and be there for other people, and if you don't, it's selfish, it's not right. It's not okay. Alyssa Scolari [22:34]: This is very, very hard to do, right? Because for those of us who are people pleasers, as soon as somebody needs us, or as soon as the going gets tough, the first thing to go on our list is usually self-care. We will put self-care so low on the totem pole because we are trying to meet the needs of everybody else first. This is often really true with moms. Moms, dads, parents. This is so true. Alyssa Scolari [23:01]: We will put, I say we like I'm a parent. I'm a dog mom, okay? It counts. We will put our needs so low on the totem pole. I have to feed the kids. I have to get them dressed. I have to take them to their after school sports. And we during none of that make time for ourselves in the slightest. Now listen, I'm not saying it's easy. Being a mom, I think is the hardest job in the whole world. Alyssa Scolari [23:36]: Being a parent in general I think is the hardest job in the entire world. Of course because of stigma, right? Because of the patriarchy, women are expected to do much more and often are doing so much more. So I think a lot of that pressure falls more on women and women are more likely to push their self-care to the side. So yeah, it's especially difficult when you have kids, when you have little ones who need you constantly to make time for yourself, but again, you can't show up as your best self to anybody if you're not putting yourself first. Alyssa Scolari [24:19]: And when we're not putting ourselves first and we're not getting our needs met, then we start to resent other people. And we feel like, "well, I'm always there for other people. Why isn't anybody showing up for me?" Because the other thing is, is that people benefit from you having poor boundaries, right? Nedra says this in the book and it is so important to remember. People benefit from you not having appropriate boundaries because then they can get more from you, and it's not necessarily an inherently bad thing. Alyssa Scolari [24:54]: I'm not saying that the people in your life are like, "Oh, I can see that Jane has terrible boundaries, and I'm going to milk her for everything she is worth." No, but it's nature, right? People test limits. People see, they want to see how much they can get away with. So people are going to take advantage of your poor boundaries and then you're going to feel resentful, you're going to feel overwhelmed, you're going to feel burnt out. Alyssa Scolari [25:24]: You're going to start to get very anxious, and you're either going to start to get angry with people, or you're going to become very depressed and you're going to feel lonely, and perhaps might isolate. Maybe you get a lot of anxiety because you don't want to talk to anybody. You don't want to open your inbox. You don't want to look at all your emails. You start to have panic attacks on Sunday nights before work the next day because you don't want to know all the work that your boss is going to put on you. You avoid, right? Alyssa Scolari [25:57]: You avoid. You either lash out at people or you avoid and you try to disappear. Now, I took a survey on my Instagram in a way to prepare for this episode because I thought it would be interesting to get all of your feedback. And I asked the question when you are in a conflict with somebody, what are you more likely to do? And the options were avoid conflict at all costs, set boundaries with the person and talk it through or cut the person off completely. Alyssa Scolari [26:40]: Now much to my surprise, nobody said cut the person off completely. Nobody said that. A few people said set boundaries, but the overwhelming majority of you, I think it was 88% of you said I will avoid conflict at all costs. And I see this so many times in my practice too. People will come in and they will avoid conflict and avoid conflict, but then their mental health will get worse and worse and worse. And honestly, I think that's what was happening to me over this last month. Alyssa Scolari [27:23]: I was avoiding ending things with my family. And so my mental health got worse and worse and worse and worse until I couldn't take it anymore, and I had to decide that I needed to come first. So this happens all of the time. Now there are three different types of boundaries. And first, we have poorest boundaries. Okay? So what are poorest boundaries? These are often people with weaker boundaries like in the sense that they have a lot of trouble setting those boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [28:03]: So they're too involved with other people. They will ruin their own day just so they can be there for somebody else. They will cancel their doctor's appointment just because somebody calls them and says, "Hey, I need you. Do you have time to talk?" These people are highly dependent on other people and they have a really difficult time with feeling highly anxious, overwhelmed, very burnt out. Alyssa Scolari [28:31]: These are your people pleasers. Very difficult time saying no, always wanting to help others. Yes, I'll help you move. Yes, I'll cancel my plans with my family and I will help you move. Yes, I will drive to your house for the millionth time even though you never drive to my house, and I won't say anything about it, but I am going to feel resentful. These are people who often struggle with like codependency and enmeshment. Alyssa Scolari [28:56]: They become extremely attached to other people. In general, they just struggle to say no. I just can't say no to anybody, and then we have healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries is exactly what it is. It's when you are setting rules and expectations with yourself and other people without your past trauma showing up to the interaction. I hope that makes sense. This is something that I have taken from Nedra's book, and this is what she says, and I think that it's absolutely brilliant. Alyssa Scolari [29:42]: You are setting rules and expectations without letting your pain from the past, your trauma from the past show up. Without letting the fact that you have been abandoned as a child, the fact that your father left when you were younger, the fact that you have a history of sexual abuse, that's staying in the past and here you are setting roles and expectations without apologizing, without over explaining, without feelings of immense guilt or anxiety. Those are healthy boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [30:20]: That is what we are all striving for, easier said than done. I am much better at setting boundaries, but I sure as heck struggle with guilt and anxiety almost every time that I set them. And I think that this is just something that gets better over time and with practice. So then we have rigid boundaries. This is when your boundaries are just like entirely too strong. Alyssa Scolari [30:48]: Strong might not necessarily be the right word. I would say more rigid or inflexible boundaries. So when your boundaries are just entirely too rigid, and this can often look like folks who have like an all or nothing mentality sometimes. It's like I never, ever, ever will allow somebody to borrow money from me, never. And they just take that boundary to the grave. There is zero flexibility, there is zero chance of like, "Okay, well, what if your child is hard up for money and needs gas in their car? Are you going to say no? They need gas in their car to be able to get to work. What are you going to say?" Alyssa Scolari [31:36]: These people don't have space for that. They can't think of a gray area. It's like, "I am absolutely not going to do this or I am absolutely always going to do this. This could also be the person who go to the gym every single day. Now that could also be eating disorder related, but if this person's just like every single day, I have to be at the gym from 4:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. and they are so inflexible. Alyssa Scolari [32:04]: Something pops up, there's an emergency. I can't come, I'm at the gym. I can't come, I'm at the gym. There's no wiggle room in their boundaries. People who have rigid boundaries will often cut people off. Again, and I said this earlier. They will cut people off without making attempts to set healthy boundaries. They don't want to listen to anyone else's input, and really what rigid boundaries do is it protects people from getting too close to other people. Alyssa Scolari [32:38]: It protects from building relationships, it puts a wall between them and other people. So those are the three different types of boundaries. Hopefully if you have listened to this, you can identify which boundary you have and which category that you fall into. Now, Nedra in her book, and I think that this is really important to mention. She also goes on to say that there are a few of the major areas that people struggle with when it comes to boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [33:18]: And some of those areas are family, and I think this will make sense to a lot of us on this podcast. It is one of the hardest things to do to set boundaries with your family. Whether that's you can't keep giving money to your sister, or you don't want your brother living with you anymore, or you don't want your mother telling you how to parent your children. You don't want her input, things like that can be very, very difficult for people. Alyssa Scolari [33:54]: Work. So many people go to therapy because their work is so stressful. People really struggle to set boundaries with work especially in this new work from home environment that most of us have fallen into since COVID, or not most, many. It can be really, really difficult to make that determination of when am I going to stop checking my emails? When am I going to make a decision that I'm not going to pick up the phone when I boss is calling me? At what time is that going to stop? Alyssa Scolari [34:34]: Romantic relationships, this is also another huge one. People struggle if their partners are doing something that they don't appreciate, or that is harmful to them. People struggle, and I think a lot of that is the fear of abandonment. I don't want them to leave. Friends, very similar thing. People really struggle to set boundaries for friends because they're afraid of how people are going to react, and technology. Alyssa Scolari [35:02]: This is one that I think before really doing a deep dive into boundaries, I would've never even thought about, but it goes back to what I was saying in the beginning of the podcast where boundaries are really important to be able to set with yourself as well. How many hours a day am I going to be on my phone? How often am I going to check my email? Am I going to pick up the phone every time somebody calls me or am I going to let it go to voicemail, see what they want, and then get back to them when I have the space for it? Alyssa Scolari [35:36]: I've had to do a lot of hard work with technology in terms of just not scrolling TikTok at night, because all the blue light will keep you up for so much longer, and I struggle with insomnia. Just spending less and less time on social media because it depresses me. It really does, and also with emails and responding to people, feeling that need to just respond to people all the time versus looking at their texts or their voicemails, and then getting back to them when it's convenient for me. Alyssa Scolari [36:11]: If it's not, an emergency that I absolutely have to be there for like a life or death situation. So those are some of the main areas that Nedra Tawwab says that people struggle. And I believe it, I believe it. I think it's really, really fascinating. So that is a lot of information that I just threw at you. If I haven't convinced you already to get Nedra's book, this is me saying you totally should because it's a really, really good book, and I'm sure as I have spoken today, you all have been able to see a little bit of yourselves in what I am saying. Alyssa Scolari [36:54]: I am somebody who has poorest boundaries or I did have poorest boundaries. I think I have worked my way towards healthier boundaries, but I am just such a people pleaser. So this is something that I've had to work really hard on. It's been very difficult, but extremely rewarding because my life, my business, my relationships have been so much healthier as a result of working on these boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [37:25]: So this is not the end of our conversation my friends. This is only the beginning of us talking about boundaries. We've learned a lot about how people struggle, the different types of boundaries, and now, we are also going to talk about how we set those boundaries, what some of the fears are, how some people might react. We're going to get into more of the practical stuff. Alyssa Scolari [37:53]: I am really enjoying talking about this, and I hope that you have enjoyed listening. If you like what you hear, please feel free to leave us a review and a rating. It goes a really long way in helping to increase visibility of the podcast, and if you haven't done so already, you can also feel free to check out the Patreon link in the show notes. There you can donate to the podcast if you are liking what you hear. Alyssa Scolari [38:22]: Even a little bit goes a really long way in terms of helping to make this podcast a well-oiled machine. I am so grateful for the Patreon members that we have. Also, if you are a Patreon member, you can make a special request for episode topics. You can feel free to reach out to me and say, "Hi, I would love to hear from you." Take care, have a wonderful week, and I am holding you in the light. Alyssa Scolari [38:48]: Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma and on Twitter, it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you, and we appreciate your support. Speaker 2 [39:25]: [Singing].
Get all the inside secrets and tools you need to help you develop your intuitive and leadership skills so are on the path to the highest level of success with ease. Candace Plattor is an Addictions Therapist in private practice, where she specializes in working with the family and other loved ones of people who are struggling with addiction, in her unique and signature Family Addiction Counselling and Therapy Program. In this episode you will learn: Struggling in silence Loving with boundaries Addicts need their families Candace Plattor http://www.lovewithboundaries.com (www.lovewithboundaries.com) Book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Addict-Loving-Yourself-audiobook/dp/B07B111GHW/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2OC5RR0C06AT7&keywords=loving+an+addict+loving+yourself&qid=1652301363&sprefix=loving+an+a%2Caps%2C97&sr=8-1 (Loving an Addict Loving Yourself) Listen in as Jennifer Takagi, founder of Takagi Consulting, 5X time Amazon.Com Best Selling-Author, Certified Soul Care Coach, Certified Jack Canfield Success Principle Trainer, Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst and Facilitator of the DISC Behavioral Profiles, Certified Change Style Indicator Facilitator, Law of Attraction Practitioner, and Certified Coaching Specialist - leadership entrepreneur, speaker and trainer, shares the lessons she's learned along the way. Each episode is designed to give you the tools, ideas, and inspiration to lead with integrity. Humor is a big part of Jennifer's life, so expect a few puns and possibly some sarcasm. Tune in for a motivational guest, a story or tips to take you even closer to that success you've been coveting. Please share the episodes that inspired you the most and be sure to leave a comment. Book a call to see how we might work together: https://takagiconsulting.as.me/coffeechat (Book a call) Official Website: http://www.takagiconsulting.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jennifertakagi/ Facebook: facebook.com/takagiconsulting Wishing you the best, Jennifer Takagi Speaker, Trainer, Author Connect with me on the Destined for Success Podcast Connect with me on Facebook: https://facebook.com/takagiconsulting Connect with me on Instagram: http://instagram.com/jennifertakagi Connect with me on Youtube: http://youtube.com/jennifertakagi PS: We would love to hear from you! For questions, coaching, or to book interviews, please email my team at Jennifer@takagiconsulting.com
In this Podcast, I give you encouragement to intentionally grow in areas of your life and one of them is by setting boundaries. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/worthyworthitpriceless/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/worthyworthitpriceless/support
On this episode I discuss NBA playoffs, being inspired by Shontel Greene's story, and a new book to read to help the faithful jewelers set healthy boundaries. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Go to radicalconfidence.com to get your copy of my book Radical Confidence! When you do, you'll be getting a toolkit of 10 No-BS lessons on becoming the hero of your own life - and you'll learn how to set better boundaries, live a life that lights you up, and give you the ability to boldly stare down ANY frikin' thing that gets between you and the things you want from life!The term narcissist gets thrown around a lot to the misfortune of people who are not actually narcissistic. Toxicity, emotional, mental, and verbal abuse are clear common markers of narcissistic behavior. Hopefully, you're not in a relationship with a narcissistic person, but perhaps you've recently left a toxic situation and still feel lost, confused and uncertain how to handle the narcissist in your life.Dr. Ramani doesn't mince words when it comes to dealing with narcissists. The depth of knowledge she has from working with victims of narcissism is mind-blowing. In this episode we've packed some of the best advice Dr. Ramani has shared with Lisa on Women of Impact so you can take notes and the cycle of abuse and start healing.If you've managed to avoid relationships with narcissists to this point, we're cheering for you. We want you to be safe and be aware of the red fags many people miss until it's too far gone.SHOW NOTES:0:00 | Introduction to Dr. Ramani0:09 | Look for These Red Flags26:02 | They Weaponize Vulnerabilities47:48 | 6 Types of Narcissists1:04:44 | Red Flags in Conversation1:15:15 | How to Heal & Detox1:37:06 | Break the Trauma Bond1:52:15 | How to Leave a NarcissistQUOTES:“Once you've communicated something about three times, and it has been dishonored, devalued, not listened to, or validated, that's it! You're done…” [3:29]“Charisma is a tricky pattern, because we always assume, that it's a good thing and I think people have to be discerning about charisma.” [15:12]“We're literally more protective of the password we have for some game on our computer, then we are with the most sacred parts of our psyche.” [27:02]“There's a short list of reasons people stay in their relationships, hope, fear, guilt, and lack of information.” [40:48]“Secure, people don't lash out at other people, [...] they know they're not always going to get it right. They're not always trying to overcompensate, they apologize when they are wrong.” [52:18]“this is it. This is who this person is. You stay. And this is how it is” [1:04:40]“It's not just about the trust of the other. It's about that you have the right to set a boundary. And that's about trusting yourself. “ [1:36:30]“The primary motivations of these difficult relationships are that the narcissistic or difficult person wants power. They want control. They want everything for their own pleasure, their own needs.” [1:51:19]“There's no such thing as failing at healing. If you're getting out of bed in the morning, even if you're slow and even if it's later than you want, you're healing because you had the courage to face down another day.” [1:54:03]Follow Dr. Ramani:Website: http://doctor-ramani.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/DoctorRamanDurvasula Twitter: https://twitter.com/DoctorRamani Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/doctorramani/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/doctorramani Podcast: http://doctor-ramani.com/podcasts-feat-dr-ramani/
Today, comedian, Colton Harpie, shares on dealing with imposter syndrome, panic attacks and performance anxiety.Colton Harpie is a touring stand up comedian based out of San Diego. Colton is the founder and creator of JPD Entertainment. Harpie was born and raised in Newington Connecticut, where he always had a passion for comedy and making people laugh. Harpie began his comedy journey in 2010 after attending a Stand-Up Comedy workshop at the American Comedy Institute in New York City. In 2015 Harpie moved to San Diego California where he could focus more on stand up comedy and pursue comedy as a full time career. In 2019 he began working at The Comedy Store and performing across the United States. Harpie has opened up for Headlining Comedians: Bill Bellamy, Mark Normand, Sam Tripoli, Sara Tiana and Tony Hinchcliffe. His work has been featured on HBO, BuzzFeed, Barstool Sports, BroBible and MTV2.4.) Social Media Linkswww.ColtonHarpie.com www.Instagram.com/ColtonHarpiehttps://www.tiktok.com/@coltonharpieIf you want go from feeling hopeless to hopeful, lonely to connected and like a burden to a blessing, then go to 1-on-1 coaching, go to www.thrivewithleo.com. Let's get to tomorrow, together. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline800-273-TALK [800-273-8255]1-800-SUICIDE [800-784-2433]Teen Line (Los Angeles)800-852-8336The Trevor Project (LGBTQ Youth Hotline)866-488-7386National Domestic Violence Hotline800-799-SAFE [800-799-7233]Crisis Text LineText "Connect" to 741741 in the USALifeline Chathttps://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/International Suicide Hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.htmlhttps://www.nowmattersnow.org/skillshttps://sobermeditations.libsyn.com/ www.suicidesafetyplan.com https://scaa.club/
Interview with Tashina King. With over 10 years of experience supporting and coaching women from all over the world, Tashina understands just how vital it is to look at the whole-woman when it comes to the goals and desires each woman has. It is crucial to nurture and transform the foundation upon which those goals and desires are rooted in so that they may be reached with ease, confidence, and joy.Tashina understands the demands of being a woman. She is an internationally recognised top instructor, entrepreneur since 2008, has toured over thirteen countries as a coach and professional dancer while being married and having a two year old son.Through her tours and coaching practice she has coached over 8,000 individuals throughout the world on self-worth, confidence, and taking ownership of their life. In this podcast episode you will learn:✨ Why you connect professionalism with perfection✨ How to access your subconscious mind✨ How to break through limiting beliefs✨ How to detach your self-worth from what you produce at workEnjoy listening.With gratitude,Julia-----Shownotes:Get in touch with Tashina:Website: https://www.empowered2greatness.com/about-tashinaLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tashinaking/Instagram: @transformwithtashinaFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/empowered2greatness-----
Sally Hepworth loves her fans. She loves hearing how they think about her work, and like anyone, she's partial to a bit of praise every now and then! However, as her following has grown over the years, the amount of people seeking pockets of her time has become overwhelming. And as a writer, Sally knows that the only way she can continue to produce great work is to protect that writing time as diligently as she can. It takes discipline, and it can be hard to turn down a conversation with a reader, but it's the only way she can keep on producing. One way Sally protects her time is with her now infamous “No List,” a carefully constructed collection of things she'll always say no to, even if they're enticing. Connect with Sally on Twitter or Instagram You can find the full interview here: Sally Hepworth on her No List, Brain walks and the Nifty Three Fifty rule *** Connect with me on the socials: Linkedin Twitter Instagram If you're looking for more tips to improve the way you work, I write a fortnightly newsletter that contains three cool things I have discovered that help me work better, which range from interesting research findings through to gadgets I am loving. You can sign up for that at http://howiwork.co Visit https://www.amantha.com/podcast for full show notes from all episodes. Get in touch at email@example.com CREDITS Produced by Inventium Host: Amantha Imber Sound Engineer: Martin Imber
It's time to tackle one of most highly requested topics for the podcast, and that is boundaries. Today I am joined by a therapist, Dr. Julie Hanks, who answers our most pressing questions on the issue. This includes my biggest one, "Do I have to tell other people that I have boundaries around them?" She answers that as well as some others that may surprise you. In addition to our frank discussion on boundaries, her insight on introspection and our thoughts is worth your time spent listening. Tune in for the permission you need to move forward with identifying your boundaries, then sticking to them, and why it's crucial to your overall well-being. More from Dr. Julie Hanks here. Full Show Notes NEW!! Habits Course Podcast Sponsor - code 'ABOUTPROGRESS' Finding Me Course
Hey Friend! I have spent YEARS working to create a c clutter free home for my family, and somedays, I am a complete failure, but the systems I have in place make it really easy to get back on track. I want my home to be a place of refuge for my family, and anyone that comes to visit. I want to be ready for visitors at any moment, and that doesn't mean I want a perfect house... I just don't want it to be more than TODAY's Mess left out. It's not embarrassing to have dinner halfway cleaned up when someone stops by. It is embarrassing to have piles of laundry and stuff piled all around! Kids live here. It's going to be lived in, not magazine ready!! Be realistic with your expectations, and be firm with your boundaries! I'm here for you! XOXO ~Jenn WEBSITE: www.JMOrganizingSpaces.com EMAIL: OrganizedFabulousPodcast@gmail.com HOTLINE: +1(980)389-0399 FB GROUP: How to Declutter, Organize, Style, and Design for Overwhelmed Moms
Mother's Day is this weekend so this episode is dedicated to the ladies with babies! I'll feature clips from previous episodes where women share tips on the following: 1) Wisdom about life and love…should you give him a second chance? 2) How to lean on your children for support 3) How to reparent your inner child and heal your mother wound 4) How to set boundaries as a new mom 5) How to raise a securely attached child Take a listen and share with another mom!
Boundary lesson time! There's so much juice around boundaries and money blocks. This episode is made for you if you have a Facebook group, but it'll be helpful for setting boundaries with clients in general. I've learned so many lessons - some painful, all powerful.
Kindness is killing a leader's ability to set and hold effective boundaries. She works with her coach to find her voice and along the way discovers an empowering image about boundaries.We've put lots of free PDFs in our Tools bin to help you achieve The Look & Sound of Leadership.This episode is tagged in three categories in the Podcast Library:AssertivenessManaging YourselfSelf-TalkFive related episodes you might listen to are: 216 7 Steps to Stop Emotional Hijacks204 Blind Spots188 Boundaries210 How to Grow Your Self-Management190 Thinking ErrorsMuch gratitude to the folks who post reviews. We appreciate your support you're your kind words.Let us know how we can support your growth and development. Be in touch with us here. Until next month, be well!Tom and The Look & Sound of Leadership team.
Interview with Erika Ferszt. Erika Ferszt is the founder of Moodally, providing mood management solutions for the workplace; improving employee well-being & performance. After having suffered a stress-related vision loss burnout incident in 2015 that forced her to leave her role as Global Advertising, Media & Digital Director at Ray-Ban, Erika returned to school to study the effects of stress on the mind, body & brain. She completed a Post-Graduate program in the Neuroscience of Mental Health and an MSc in Organizational Psychology. Combining her corporate experience and state of the art education, she created Moodally with the mission of creating better workplaces, one mood at a time. Moodally's solutions for organizations includes keynote sessions, group training, 1:1 executive coaching, a proprietary mood-moving app and white-labeled well-being & performance content to improve morale, productivity, and performance in your workplace.In this podcast episode you will learn:✨ How does your mood affect your day?✨ How can you change your mood from a neuroscientific perspective?✨ How even when you love your work, you can burnout✨ How to overcome the challenges of toxic productivity and a loss of identityEnjoy listening.With gratitude,Julia-----Shownotes:Get in touch with Erika:firstname.lastname@example.orgInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/moodally.wellness/Book Recommendations:How emotions are made by Lisa Feldman Barrett-----
There's this fear that honoring our kids' emotions when they throw tantrums or break the rules reinforces “bad” behavior. That if we don't use punishment… we're just being permissive. Here's the truth: There's nothing “soft” about parenting with empathy. This week, parenting coach Destini Davis joins Dr. Becky for a total reframe of what it really means to be a sturdy leader. The two open up about their own parenting philosophy journeys and how they realized that building connection with our kids goes hand-in-hand with holding firm boundaries. As they answer callers' live questions about tricky situations with their kids, they debunk outdated ideas on “shaping behavior” and share deep thoughts about what actually leads to change. Their lively conversation will give you practical strategies for setting intentional limits, tolerating your child's frustration, embodying your authority, and—most importantly—trusting yourself in the process. Join Good Inside Membership: http://www.goodinside.com Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Today's episode is brought to you by the following sponsor: Frida is the brand that's one step ahead on all parenting hacks. With seasonal allergies and stuffy noses on the calendar, it's the perfect time to check out their new electronic snot sucker, Electric Nose Frida. Go to www.fridababy.com and get 20% off any first purchase with code "DRBECKY"
Manifest your dream life by setting boundaries with the universe like this! Download my NEW and FREE guide on How To Raise Your Vibration Permanently here!: ➡️ https://www.AaronDoughty.com/PDF
Interview with Jason Wasser. Jason Wasser has an extensive background in working with youth and adults from all walks of life. His positions have included serving as a Student Life Coordinator at Princeton University, providing counseling services for the special needs population & their families through the Florida Medicaid Waiver program, and directing non-profit community educational and recreational programming.Over the years, Jason has been to speak at college campuses, retreats, and educational programs on topics including: spirituality, relationships, meditation self-hypnosis, and group leadership. He has consulted with professional athletes including those in Major League Baseball (MLB), National Basketball Association (NBA) and the US Tennis Association, as well as with talent in the television and music industry. Jason also provides a variety of other therapeutic services including life, entrepreneur and business coaching for the general population as a Business Finishing School Certified Entrepreneur Coach.In this podcast episode you will learn:✨ How to live life by your values✨ Why you should also have anti-values in your life to make decisions from✨ Intrapreneurs vs. Entrepreneurs - you have impact and influence no matter what✨ What is NET (Neuro Emotional Technique)?✨ Coaching vs. Therapy - what's for you?✨ Is self-care only for hippies?Enjoy listening.With gratitude,Julia-----SHOWNOTESGet in touch with Jason Wasser:https://thefamilyroomsfl.com/-----
This episode starts off with a common fear I hear from many women in the community: I finally met someone great, how do I not mess it up? I discuss this very issue today with my caller, Abby. But like usual on the show, there's a hindrance to her feeling more secure in the relationship. In this case with Abby, it's rooted in her relationship with her mom. It's not that she needs to heal her relationship with her mom, but she needs to set boundaries because it's bringing out her core wounds. This is the equivalent of picking off scabs when you're trying to heal a physical wound. Setting boundaries will give Abby the space she needs to have an even better relationship with her mom. It will also help Abby do the inner child work she needs to do to feel less anxious in her romantic relationship. 1:19 - An example of something I have been experiencing lately where I need to set a boundary 5:09 - An introduction to my caller today who's in a healthy relationship, and is scared she's sabotaging it 6:16 - Abby presents her fear 9:35 - Abby describes her childhood with her mother 16:30 - My advice to Abby on how to heal her core wound by setting some boundaries 21:05 - The one place Abby wants to set a boundary with her mother 26:18 - A tool Abby uses to help ease her anxiety 27:23 - My suggestion to help Abby curb her anxiety 33:10 - A recap of my call with Abby After you listen to this episode, here are your next steps: Check out my free workshop The 5-Step Strategy To Banish Anxiety and Overwhelm in Your Love Life Ready to explore what working with me is like? Learn more here. If you are interested in my two-week course, Crappy to Happy to help you quickly discover your love blocks so that you can clear them and find love, without having to spend years in therapy sign up here If you would like more information on my free zoom calls, follow me on Instagram or sign up to my email list on my website Interested in being coached on the Love Live Connection? Learn more here. Are we connected on Instagram? Come tell me WHO you are here! If you get value from the Love Life Connection, please rate & review it on Apple Podcasts. It only takes a sec to impact our ranking + it'll help other women find our community!
The Ramsey Call of the Day is a quick, daily dose of advice on life and money in under ten minutes. Hear from experts like Dave Ramsey, Ken Coleman, Rachel Cruze, Dr. John Delony, and George Kamel. Part of the Ramsey Network. Delivered to you five days a week.
Can building healthy relationship skills help improve parent-child relationships? In this episode of Superpower Mommas, host Tatiana Berindei sits with guest Lauren Reitsem. She is the author of two books: In Their Shoes, a book dedicated to helping parents better understand and connect with children of divorce, and Relationship Essentials, Skills to Feel Heard, Fight Fair, and Set Boundaries in All Areas of Life. Lauren recognizes relationships are one of life's most important assets and energizes a room to prioritize the people in their lives. She and her husband, Josh, love adventures with their three children. Tatiana and Lauren emphasize that there is a healthy way to fight. Parents need to use relationship skill building with their children. It is one way to value another human being truly. Tune in to know the importance of building healthy relationship skills within your home.
Have you ever felt like a doormat who people can just walk all over you? Or perhaps you have felt like a punisher, attacking any and everyone who may stand in your way? If you have ever felt like this, you are not alone. So many people live in this cycle because they don't have boundaries. Boundaries are a huge part of my life and I am so excited to share this conversation with you today. Our guest today is one of my favorite guests I've ever had the pleasure of having on The Influencer podcast. Today we are chatting with Terri Cole, a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free. She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. What You'll Learn Today: Hero Child, Clown, Invisible Child and Scapegoat - which one were you growing up and how does that shape your boundaries Creating healthy and simple boundaries starting today Your Preferences, Limits and Non-Negotiables - how to know them and share them How to say NO with confidence and clarity We are giving away 5 of Terri's books, Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free. All you have to do is screenshot today's episode, tag @JulsSolomon and @TerriCole and share your biggest takeaway. The first 5 screenshots we see will get a free copy of Terri's book! RESOURCES TO PRE-ORDER MY BOOK, Get What You Want: How to Go From Unseen to Unstoppable, and get access to a FREE live event with bonuses go to www.juliesolomon.net/getwhatyouwant To join my EmpowerYou personal development membership for just $29 a month, go to: https://join.juliesolomon.net/membership Take Terri's boundary quiz: https://boundaryquiz.com/ Access to Terri's free boundary guide: www.boundaryboss.me/influencer Connect with Terri: terricole.com OUR PARTNERS Go to www.GoodChop.com/influencer100 and use code influencer100 to get $100 off your first 3 boxes
On today's episode of Press Send, listener Sasa Tusek is calling in and asking for advice! We're chatting all about setting boundaries in the workplace, the guilt associated with setting boundaries, and how to avoid burnout. Produced by Dear Media