Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction

Debbie McRae and Tami tackle ‘betrayal brain', the intrusive thoughts, and emotional flooding that often accompany betrayal. When the brain is in survival mode, neurological and psychological effects are out of the betrayed partner's control. They discuss tactics to regain control when the brain is hijacked.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:26] When betrayal occurs, the architecture of the brain is reshaped.  [4:50] Warning signs of betrayal brain.  [5:46] Four areas of the brain are affected by betrayal.  [10:45] Triggers can occur even when the relationship feels safe.  [12:07] Regaining control when the brain is hijacked.  [25:37] Self-compassion practices and therapy after betrayal.  [27:30] The betrayed partner has no control over how the brain is going to react. [31:41] Keeping regulation expectations simple. [33:54] Does my PTSD and anxiety make it harder to overcome betrayal brain?  [40:12] What boundaries can I enact with a sex addict who is breaking the law? [46:17] Handling abandonment to create safety.  [49:10] How can I increase my functionality to what it was before PTSD?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “When betrayal occurs, it shatters trust in an instant.” “Even neutral interactions that the betrayed partner is experiencing can be triggering.”  “The betrayed partner has no control over how the brain is going to react when it senses threat.”  “Self care is brain care.”   

Dr. Rob and Tami tackle hard questions about sex and intimacy in the wake of betrayal. They cover the role of a spouse in supporting their partner ‘for better and for worse”, how to set boundaries that take care of you first, and addressing the trauma and intrusive thoughts that often come after disclosure.    TAKEAWAYS: [:20] Where do personal responsibility and societal norms come into play?  [7:27] A spouse's job is to take care of themselves. [12:30] How can I deal with my trauma and intrusive thoughts about my partner's acting out?  [18:56] Acknowledging the level of troubled your partner really is.  [23:07] How can we connect through non-sexual intimacy? [30:02] Is it common for people with addictions to seek out others with similar problems?  [38:42] Does our marriage counselor also need to be a CSAT?  [41:42] My spouse is refusing a polygraph test. How can I ever trust him?  [46:50] Should I address porn viewing or obsessive masturbation first?  [49:47] My partner has been with underage girls. How do I handle this?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “As an addict, I need people to support me and relate to me, but as a spouse, that's not your job.”  “Addicts are not bad people. They're broken people.”  “If I fight my addict, I'm going to lose every time.”  “The more questions you ask, the more questions it will bring up.”  ‘Express what you need but don't blame if you're not getting it.”   

Therapist Erin Snow shares insights into addiction, betrayal, boundaries and healing. She underscores the impact of addiction in the workplace, the importance of setting boundaries after betrayal, the realities of weaponizing sex in a partnership, and why betrayed partners often pursue safety seeking behaviors during healing.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] How addiction manifests in the workplace.  [5:17] My husband is SA genetic – is nature or nurture going to win out?  [9:45] The intimacy disorder underneath compulsive sexual behavior.  [11:32] Healthy goals for a successful separation from an addicted partner.  [17:18] The benefits of a period of separation in the healing journey.  [19:00] Can married sex addicts use their spouses to act out even if they don't have extramarital affairs?  [24:45] My partner threatens to leave me if I don't give her what she wants. What should I do?  [25:30] My partner doesn't like to talk about consequences if he acts out. What can I do?  [29:45] How can I turn away from shame and toward growth and healing?  [33:14] Should I report my ex to help keep women safe? [39:17] Is lying an inner circle behavior? [45:20] Should I hire a polygraph test to help me heal from my partner's lying behavior?  [50:49] My partner is not being fully honest in therapy. What should I tell her CSAT to help us both?  [52:34] Should I stop snooping even though I continually uncover my partner's lies?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “Our willingness to change dramatically shifts when the consequences are more painful than continuing is.”  “The person who is willing to stop and turn around and stare that generational pattern in the face and is willing to do the work can break the cycle for generations to come.”  “Let each other go, or get a really solid plan together for the time that you're separated.”  “Your boundaries are about what you are going to do, and they require your partner to do nothing.”  “I don't have to have some kind of proof that something is dramatically off to set a boundary so that I feel safer.”   

Therapist Debbie McRae discusses options for the betrayed partner when the betraying partner is stalling or not fully in recovery. She offers tactics for partners who are stuck in the cycle of fear and uncertainty and are ready to regain control in healthy ways while seeking safety after betrayal.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] Common recovery limbo scenarios and what each one means.  [4:33] Recovery limbo happens when the betraying partner won't take responsibility for their behavior.  [7:25] Seven signs that your addict partner is struggling with recovery.  [9:23] Six strategies for regaining healthy control after betrayal. [13:14] Setting boundaries for effectively reestablishing safety.  [21:06] The importance of a healthy support group and self-care in recovery.  [25:26] Betrayed partners need therapy too.  [29:21] What to do after you've tried unhealthy safety seeking.  [31:42] The thought of physical intimacy gives me the ick feeling. How can I begin to heal?  [37:13] Connecting with your spouse about physical intimacy outside the bedroom.  [39:04] At what in point in recovery is couples counseling recommended?  [45:05] The value of releasing information in couples therapy.  [46:11] My CSAT wants to bring my betraying partner into our session. Is that odd?  [50:45] My partner is an avoidant porn addict, is psychoanalysis recommended?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “True recovery requires that the addict partner have that intrinsic motivation to heal their addiction.”  “You have to be, as a betrayed partner, really open and honest and authentic about your boundaries.”  “The goal of a boundary consequence is not punishment, it's creating safety.”  “Don't just identify as a betrayed partner. You have to hold onto you as well.”   

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the importance of combining sex and drug addictions in treatment and recovery, the danger of staying stuck in the rage phase, and who you have control over in healing and recovery (it's you and only you!).    TAKEAWAYS: [:55] Does ‘vanilla' porn really affect our relationship? I don't believe it's hurting my partner. [5:53] What are the major differences between sex addiction treatment/recovery and drug addiction treatment/recovery?  [12:25] The importance of tackling both sex and drugs in addiction treatment and recovery.  [15:40] I'm stuck in the rage phase - how can I decide to heal or leave?  [23:05] You cannot drag someone else into healing, but you can heal YOU.  [27:18] My partner is so ill that I can't help him anymore. What do I do now?  [35:24] Why do so many CSATs coddle their patients?  [41:11] My partner recently uncovered childhood sexual trauma. What should come first - couples therapy or CSAT work?  [46:48] Can my partner pray his way out of addiction? [49:35] Write this down - there is nothing I have ever done or am currently doing or will ever do to make my partner act out.    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “If you have a sex addiction, I don't want you to stop having sex. I want you to do it in a way that's healthy and honest.” “Addiction is not about the behavior, it's about the function it serves.”  “You have the opportunity to choose. You don't have to stay stuck in this.”  “Give yourself the gift of getting the help you need.”   

Dr. Rob Weiss and Tami answer participant questions about the challenges of rebuilding trust in a betrayed relationship and the importance of focusing on what you can do as a betrayed partner instead of focusing on what your addict partner can't or shouldn't do.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] My reluctant, betrayed spouse has been gone for a year. How can I approach them about my behavior?  [6:43] I feel like I'm seeing the world through a different lens in recovery. Is this typical?  [10:33] How can I better understand my partner's damage and betrayal trauma?  [14:04] I think my spouse is lying about his recovery and he failed his porn addiction test. Now what?  [22:45] What resources are available to learn more about addiction so I can better understand my loved one?  [27:02] I don't trust my partner's CSAT because of my history with unhelpful counselors. What can I do to improve our dynamic all around?  [33:25] What are some actionable ways I can rebuild trust with my betrayed partner?  [39:25] What is the best 12-Step recovery program for me?  [44:05] I can't stop lying to my betrayed spouse. Is this a slippery slope back into addiction?  [51:16] My partner has multiple addictions and is compartmentalizing recovery. Is this the best approach?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “If you choose to leave your partner, you don't do it to make them do something differently.”  “While in recovery, we have to look at the world through a different lens.”  “Getting sober is not about not doing things.”  “If we're not in recovery, we are not living in integrity. But if we're willing to change, we can have an amazing life.”  “You cannot fix a problem with intimacy and connection and loneliness while the person is still acting out.”  “A spouses job is to take care of themselves, their self-care and their boundaries, not to focus on you.”  “Being honest takes practice if you've been lying forever.”  

This week's conversation features The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler. He answers questions about needs and wants, the role of sex in meeting relationship needs, and what partners can do to feel more securely attached to each other.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:24] Is disclosure always necessary?  [3:43] People in recovery often aren't aware of what their needs truly are.  [6:42] What happens when we neglect our own needs in favor of others?  [9:36] Babies understand that making demands develops love. [11:05] The danger of ignoring your needs during recovery.  [13:55] Is sex a need or is it a tool?  [17:40] Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner. [22:53] Only one of the four categories of needs can be met in a partnership.  [27:10] The importance of relational agreements.  [30:08] Who holds all the cards in our relationship?  [35:57] I'm doing all the heavy lifting in our relationship, why should I meet his needs?  [42:10] The underlying needs behind sexual advancements.  [45:55] What do we need to explore that will feel fulfilling for both of us?  [49:50] How can I better receive my partner's bids for attachment?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “Wants and needs are ultimately synonymous.”  “Both partners deserve to express and meet needs within the relationship.”  “Boundaries give the other person an opportunity to treat me to my needs.”  “Slow down and figure out how to communicate your needs to your partner better.”  “The only category of needs that you can meet as a couple is relational.”  “Without trust in a relationship, you're going to have a hard time with attachment.”   

In this week's Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob Weiss answers participant questions about spectrum disorders, personality disorders, honest therapeutic disclosure, and the importance of involving qualified professionals in diagnosis and recovery.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:08] What are the key differences between the compulsion of a sex addict and OCD?  [6:08] The danger of self-diagnosing personality and mood disorders.  [11:51] Is the treatment the same for hypersexuality and sex addiction?  [16:50] How can my partner have an honest therapeutic disclosure if he doesn't remember what he did?  [20:23] The importance of involving qualified professionals in recovery.  [24:46] Am I dealing with a sex addiction or chronic cheating?  [31:36] How does an addict come to recognize lying and omission of details?  [37:46] Is it dangerous for my addicted partner to only communicate with their support group via text?  [39:42] Key differences between addiction and co-occurring mental health issues.  [42:00] Are all CSATs trained in therapeutic disclosure? [44:56] How can I support my friend on the spectrum with their addiction?  [50:06] Is my partner ready for disclosure if he still has active accounts on sex and dating websites?  [53:23] How can I set healthy boundaries against my partner's rage?  [54:42] Can my addict partner stay separated from other addicts so they can't act out together?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “At the end of the day, even people with obsessive compulsive disorders can get help.”  “Often the behavior looks manic, but it's really addiction.”  “Having one positive experience isn't going to drive long-term change.”  “There is zero downside to doing recovery work.”  “Stopping problematic behavior is just abstinence, it doesn't change your life.” “Recovery isn't about stopping behavior. It's about integrity and doing the right thing.”   

In this webinar, CSAT therapist Jon Taylor offers a high-level overview of Attachment Theory, how it manifests as maturity in a relationship, and how it impacts sex addiction and betrayal trauma recovery. Jon and Tami then answer questions about attachment theory's role in creating strong relationships.   TAKEAWAYS: [:55] The role of attachment theory in addiction recovery.  [1:58] The history and research of attachment theory.  [7:02] Emotions and comfort are not a luxury, they are a necessity. [8:20] Maturity in a relationship is not making one another responsible for your attachment deficits. [9:35] Patterns in baseline attachment styles. [13:20] Recent findings in attachment theory.  [15:50] What does attachment theory teach about maturity in relationships?  [19:20] How does attachment style apply to couples in recovery?  [23:18] Contemplating real loss and forgiveness in recovery.  [27:40] How can I navigate trauma in a way that doesn't traumatize my children?  [29:55] Attachment and personality grow out of temperament, but presentation can change over time.  [35:04] Attachment explains everything, but it's not the answer to everything. [36:10] As a partner, how can I preserve our progress and disengage early in the negative cycle?  [39:22] How can I overcome my attachment style to create a stronger marriage?  [43:51] How long should an SA be in treatment before making a long term relationship decision?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “It's one of the most annoying parts of therapy, but it really does all come back to mom and dad.”  “Part of attachment theory is understanding that emotions and comfort are not a luxury, they are a necessity.”  “Maturity in a relationship is not making one another responsible for your attachment deficits.” “Attachment theory is important but it does not totally dictate how we can and must show up in our relationships.”  “For maturity to take place, we have to learn how to control our impulses.”  “Attachment explains everything, but it's not the answer to everything.”   

In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of sex and pornography, and how these addictions create dysregulation in the dopamine rewards system. Scott and Tami also answer participant questions about the difference between habits and addictions and timelines in recovery.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:10] The dopamine system craves rewards and pleasure.  [3:41] The danger of manipulating the dopamine system with addictions. [6:13] Sexual fantasy delivers a high that is much cheaper than drugs, but just as dangerous. [6:47] As a self-adjusting and self-healing organ, the brain senses when things are going wrong, but addicts respond by consuming even more. [10:15] The downregulated brain will always win when chasing a higher high.  [15:26] How long does it take to reset a dysregulated dopamine system?  [16:12] Rerouting the pathways that addiction creates in our brains. [19:05] Addicts are so focused on acting out that they aren't paying attention to what they're missing out on. [21:51] People who pass the one year mark are much likelier to stay sober for the rest of their lives. [23:18] Does the brain magically reset?  [24:01] Can sex addicts actually change?  [27:01] My addict husband doesn't have any problem performing multiple times a day, how is that even possible?  [27:53] Why do I continue to lie to my partner when I know it's causing her pain? [32:35] My addictions and ADHD medication have dysregulated my system. What are my options?  [34:11] How can my partner keep relapsing when he promises me he won't?  [39:36] How can I help my partner who is on the spectrum?  [40:25] How long does someone need sobriety before they can work on trauma?  [44:26] Can we incorporate specific sex acts into our relationship during recovery?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “There's a reason we have a dopamine system. It's part of our survival.”  “The problem with addictions is that we can manipulate the dopamine system.”  “For addicts, it's much more about the hunt than the actual sex act.” “We have created a chemical imbalance in our brain through our addictions.”  “Addicts are so focused on acting out that we're not paying attention to what we're missing out on.”  “Once my brain reset I had no interest in going back to the misery.” “Addicts chase pleasure as a way of really avoiding pain.”   

Mark Anthony Lord joins Tami to discuss the value of building a better Higher Power relationship, and why that can be a key to lasting recovery.  He shares his personal addiction recovery experience, the joy he feels from being alive today, and how he was led to create the 12-Step Church.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:32] Sex and drugs recovery was the impetus for Mark's spiritual path.  [4:47] Learning how to forgive is a critical component of effective healing.  [6:45] Church can be a place of gathering, healing and community. [12:55] 12-Step Church offers connection and celebration in recovery.  [16:45] Recovering addicts deserve more than just being sober, we deserve to be happy and alive on purpose. [22:48] Details for joining a weekly meeting with 12-Step Church.  [27:01] Addictions of all kinds are addressed at 12-Step Church.  [31:03] How am I still alive? The miracle of life after addiction.    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “My entire life took a completely different path because of one little moment.”  “There's always a number of people in recovery in the room at church, but the room wasn't always designed for them.”  “Wherever you are on this journey, that's exactly where you're supposed to be.”  “We all deserve not only to be sober but to be happy.”   

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Erin Snow answers participant questions about fetishes and triggers – what they are, where they come from, and what they really mean about a person's sexuality and the likelihood of successful recovery. She also offers resources and actions betrayed partners can employ to empower themselves while they offer support to their addicted partner.    TAKEAWAYS: [:56] My husband's fantasy about my sister underlines his addiction to non-consenting victims. [4:00] All humans fantasize. That doesn't make all behaviors acceptable.  [8:00] Do fetishes get more intense from watching porn?  [10:01] Can we incorporate healthy fetishes into our sex life?  [12:47] Is my fetish a sex addiction?  [15:13] What happened in my childhood that led to my fetish?  [20:20] My husband is defensive about watching teen porn. How can I keep myself and our children safe? [26:29] I think my partner is protecting his addiction, he says I'm crazy. How can I protect myself?  [32:10] I'm going crazy waiting for my partner's disclosure. What can I do to empower myself in this process? [38:25] My partner is watching barely-legal porn. What does his fantasy say about our reality?  [45:13] What actions reduce intimacy? My partner doesn't recognize all of the ways that I'm trying to connect with her. [50:13] My partner has been lying about his recovery group. How can I reset clear boundaries?  [52:02] My partner never follows through with his safety plan and is relapsing again. I think I'm done, but where do I go from here?  [57:10] My partner's CSAT causally diagnosed me in their session. Now what?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “Fetishes are not going anywhere. It's part of your arousal template.”  “Fetishes are neither good nor bad. It's just a question of whether you can incorporate it into your sex life.”  “Knowing the fantasty and the why behind it is not going to solve the problem.”  “For most of us, recovery is literally learning a new language.”  “Fantasy life and reality are two very different things that shouldn't be compared at all.”  “We are not going to judge you for staying or for going. But that decision has to be yours.”  

In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of pornography, and why it's such a hard "drug" to quit. Scott and Tami then answer participant questions about porn addiction and recovery support for both the addict and the partner.    TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Porn, written porn, and ‘not porn' – all from a porn addict's perspective.  [2:47] What makes so appealing porn to addicts?  [4:20] The two elements of pornography that make it highly addictive.  [12:45] What is happening inside your brain while watching porn?  [13:51] Porn, cocaine, and orgasm payoffs, ranked by pleasure levels.  [16:20] Why do some addicts have a physical library collection of porn?  [19:38] By escaping, porn addicts miss out on the good as well as the bad.  [24:48] Should I start using video editing apps to take away erotic content?  [27:20] What is the difference between porn addiction and compulsive porn usage? [28:23] Is there anything healthy about sexualizing myself in a performative way?  [31:07] Is any element of porn usage healthy? [34:12] As a sex and porn addict, is there any scenario where I could view porn in a healthy manner?  [38:30] Is sex itself ever going to be satisfying enough for my porn addict partner?  [42:13] How do I protect myself from rewiring my brain into an addict's brain?  [45:30] Is my addict partner trying to escape our marriage?  [48:58] If we have sex every night will my partner stop cheating?  [50:47] How can I be the best cheerleader to my partner through recovery?  [52:01] Is watching porn considered cheating?  [55:10] Resources that focus on grief and loss of porn addiction.    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “If I'm looking at an image to get a physical arousal, it's porn, whether somebody else would classify it as porn or not.”  “Porn addict brains and cocaine addict brains are indistinguishable.  The parts that are over and under developed look exactly the same.”  “Addictions are not about pleasure.  They're about escape.”  “There is nothing in a TV show that is worth me losing my recovery.”  “There is no ‘just one' for addicts.”  “There is not a partner on the planet that can make their addict not act out if they're ultimately going to.”   

Dr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami discuss and answer questions about building confidence in recovery. They describe the coping strategies and layers of hurt that can be found on the pain field, and the four things that have to happen in order for a partner to successfully stay on the pain field in order to work toward recovery and healing. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on February 21, 2024.   TAKEAWAYS: [:30] The pain field is a place where both partners are speaking a different language.  [5:03] Emotional dysregulation happens when either partner leaves the pain field.  [7:25] Where does a partner go when they leave the pain field?  [9:10] Why should a partner want to stay on the pain field?  [11:30] Slowing everything down is the starting point for staying on the field.  [13:52] Quiet down the inner child to engage as an adult.  [15:32] Stay present and engaged, then identify the pain point.  [20:32] If you see your spouse moving off the pain field, tell them.  [24:00] The ultimate goal is reconciliation. Getting there will be a process. [27:36] If a man is getting flooded, he needs to take a break.  [32:41] My spouse has a pattern of accidentally physically hurting me or my possessions, is this unconscious resentment?  [37:04] If my spouse needs to take a break, why doesn't he just say so?  [38:12] We just got back together and now I'm experiencing abandonment trauma.  What should I be focusing on to feel healthy?  [41:43] How can I be more attune to my wife's wishes?  [45:20] How important is it that the betrayer be on the pain field? [48:00] What does Dr. Eddie which he had known early in his recovery?  [49:34] My wife gets triggered when I don't check in with her.  Is this normal in recovery?  [51:45] How can I quiet my inner child if I don't believe it's real?  [53:45] My husband doesn't think he's dealing with addiction. How can we navigate recovery?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “We're not going to do anything perfectly, but if we're willing, we stand a chance.”  “You have to quiet the inner child before the emotions begin to ramp up.”  “If you're not engaged you may as well be on another field.”  “Your infidelity is the cause, but not the core of your spouse's pain.”  “If your partner is totally deflated and depleted, you're not going to get what you're looking for.  You're going to get just the opposite.”  

Debbie McRae takes on a word that she hears daily in her practice – gaslighting.  Why do sex and porn addicts gaslight, and what can their partners do about it? This webinar covers what exactly gaslighting is, what purpose it serves, what it might sound like, and what you can do about it.    TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Gaslighting is a term that Debbie McRae hears every single day in her practice.  [1:21] Simple and clinical definitions of gaslighting and common dialogue used in gaslighting.  [5:13] Acknowledgement of the seriousness of an addiction means the addict would have to do something about it.  [6:19] Gaslighting partners are trying to avoid facing reality and avoid confrontation.  [8:01] Increased defensiveness and denial are common signs of gaslighting.  [9:10] Addicts often believe they are the exception to the rules. [10:09] Shame and extended periods of getting away with gaslighting are common reasons addicts continue to gaslight.  [11:25] Gaslighters have a style – the intimidator, the good guy, and the glamor gaslighter. [15:24] DARVO – deny, attack, reverse the victim and offender – aims to shift the blame off the addict.  [16:35] The danger of minimizing rather than validating, withholding, countering, diverting and discrediting, deflection and distraction, and stereotypical labeling. [22:49] Using loving words and rewriting history are confusing ways to manipulate a hurt partner. [24:30] How can you stop the gaslighting as an addict?  [28:18] What can the betrayed partner do about gaslighting?  [34:50] The importance of focusing on your own recovery.  [38:01] Is it normal that my spouse won't even talk to me about his porn addiction?  [44:21] How much responsibility do I need to take for my addict partner's behavior?  [48:35] Why does my partner blame me when I am blindsided by his behavior?  [52:44] How can I identify real abuse versus the mental illness that is adding to the issues?  [55:00] How can I handle my partner's passive aggressive behavior?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “Gaslighting is a power trip. People gaslight because it gives them power.”  “Gaslighting keeps the betrayed partner constantly on their toes and on high alert.”  “Gaslighting can be really hard for the betrayed partner to identify.”  “Betrayed partners have superior memories because they are connected to the prefrontal cortex.” “If you are a liar, know that you are a gaslighter and you have to be honest with yourself.” 

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss some of the most common questions about relapse, including triggers, timing, and mental health considerations. They also address questions about fairness in affairs, the role of grief in recovery and healing, and when it's time to stop worrying about your partner and start loving yourself.    TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My partner started dating after our divorce, and now we are back together. Was she cheating?  [8:15] Resources for couples who don't know how to move beyond the pain.  [11:10] Useful tools for those facing relapse. [13:20] Handling the triggers that are associated with relapse and entitlement.  [18:24] If I am constantly objectifying or moving into fantasy about someone else, does that mean I'm slipping?  [24:17] Learning to function in reality is the work of recovery. [26:24] Create a plan when you find yourself headed back toward acting out.  [30:28] The four most dangerous words for an addict – “I can handle it.”  [30:50] Am I stuck in victim mode like my spouse says I am?  [37:00] Empathy and compassion is central to recovery.  When that is lacking there is a great chance that the addicted partner is relapsing.  [38:50] My husband has been plotting his back-ups, including with my sister. Where do I go from here?  [42:25] My husband is attracted to my female therapist. What should I do about it?  [48:05] My partner had an eight-year affair. Does he love her more than me?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “What your wife did while you were divorced is not your problem.  Your problem is how can we have clarity and new commitments moving forward.”  “Relapse doesn't just happen at the moment that the action happen. It happens when you gave yourself permission along the way.”  “It's much easier to make the right decisions when you have a plan.”  “Learning to live in reality is the work of recovery.”  “The four most dangerous words for an addict – ‘I can handle it'.”

Every recovering addict has to face their triggers at some point. Triggers that are handled in a healthy way don't result in regrettable behaviors, while unmanaged triggers can lead to additional pain and loss of trust. Seeking Integrity's Scott Brassart joins Tami for a conversation about the nature of triggers and the options that addicts have when dealing with them. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on December 20, 2023.    TAKEAWAYS: [:30] What are triggers? What happens when they are set off?  [2:04] Internal triggers relate to feelings such as fear, shame, loneliness, and boredom.  [4:06] External triggers include arguments, visual stimuli, unstructured free time and more.  [6:04] Not all triggers are negative, but all triggers elicit a response. [7:04] Betrayed partners are often dealing with post-traumatic triggers.  [8:10] Step number one when feeling triggered – pause and figure out what you're feeling.  [12:05] Triggers are simply data that you can use intentionally.  [15:23] Your partner is not always the best support person to turn to.  [18:13] The importance of gratitude when facing triggers. [19:00] Being triggered can be considered a gift.  [24:37] People trigger me – am I even fit to be a partner?  [27:15] My sleep is affected by my trauma and pain.  What can I do?  [36:25] Intimacy and anger avoidance both point to trauma and underlying pain.  [43:06] How can I manage my triggered feelings about the other addicts in my husband's recovery group?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “Triggers spin us into a cycle of something that we don't want to be in.”  “Triggers are normal for addicts, they're normal for betrayed partners, they're normal for people whose lives are perfect!”  “All feelings are driven by needs – good feelings are met needs, bad feelings are unmet needs.”  “Triggers lose power when they're not rewarded.” 

Boundaries can be one of the hardest areas in recovery for both the addict and their partner. Addicts and their partners only have one thing in their control during recovery – themselves.  Setting up both internal and external boundaries is key to a successful recovery journey. In this online webinar, therapist Debbie McRae discusses internal boundaries.    TAKEAWAYS: [:25] Common boundary mistakes that are setting recovering couples up to fail.  [2:10] What safety boundaries are (and aren't).  [4:05] Internal boundaries define what you will and won't tolerate from your partner. [6:28] ‘Thinking' boundaries allow us to challenge our negative thoughts.  [12:47] ‘Emotion and feeling' boundaries allow us to decide if and how to move forward. [15:35] Choosing to respond rather than react. [20:11] Internal boundaries that focus on healthy actions and behaviors.  [27:15] Appropriate boundaries around betrayal details.  [31:40] The best place to start is with yourself.  [36:40] If the goal is connection, boundaries are essential.  [37:15] My partner doesn't even know what they're feeling. Where do we start?  [44:01] My partner refuses to put in the work. Now what?  [47:52] How does neurodiversity affect our relationship and recovery?  [52:35] My partner lied about his therapist. Where do I go from here?  [56:08] I need help setting reasonable boundaries.    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES “Boundaries are about keeping the good in and the bad out.”  “Internal boundaries allow you to question the facts without getting triggered into distressing emotions.”  “I can approach my feelings as opportunities to learn about myself and my partner.”  “The more time we spend getting to know our internal boundaries around our actions and behaviors, the better the outcome is going to be.”

Forgiveness is a long and winding process.  Like grief, it takes many forms and cannot be rushed or demanded.  Betrayed partners can choose to offer forgiveness on their own timelines. Dr. Rob and Tami explore the steps of forgiveness, the timeline of returning intimacy, and what it takes for an addict to truly hit rock bottom and start to make real change.    TAKEAWAYS: [:28] What is a good indicator that a betrayed spouse is ready to start working on forgiveness?  [6:06] What is your motivation for forgiveness?  [10:05] What is a realistic timeline for returning intimacy?  [13:48] Is revenge sex ever appropriate?  [19:08] What does it take for an addict to truly hit rock bottom?  [27:00] If the threat of losing their family doesn't change an addict, will anything?  [28:00] How much of my husband's acting out was done consciously versus as a result of drug use?  [32:45] My cheating spouse hasn't had sex with me in 3 years. Should I have sex with him now that he has confessed?  [36:14] Why is my partner still triggered about my betrayal when it was over a year ago?  [43:58] Should we sell the house that my partner cheated on me in?  [47:52] What recovery resources are available to me and my partner?  [53:52] Is it okay to ask my husband to share what he discussed in therapy?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “Forgiveness is like grief.  It's a long and rolling process.”  “Intimacy is taking a risk that your partner might reject you. It's one of the highest forms of vulnerability.”  “If you, your relationship, and your children weren't important enough to your addict, then nothing will be important enough.”  “If we are not your first treatment program, we want to be your last.” 

An apology is a starting point, a basic human relationship skill, and an essential component of healing.  In this twice-monthly Rocking Relationships in Recovery webinar, host Jon Taylor, Utah Therapist (CSAT), discusses how and why to effectively apologize.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:08] Executed well, an apology can be a powerful change for a person issuing the apology. [4:06] John shares the first big fight he and his spouse had in their marriage.  [6:41] Saying ‘I'm sorry' is the first step, then asking ‘How can I help?'”  [12:25] If your apology is coupled with resentment, you're not doing it right.  [15:30] Turn on your thinking brain and consider what you could do differently.  [18:30] Offer solutions to your partner that can correct the hurt.  [22:05] The danger of a forced apology.  [24:08] The non-apology apology is thinly veiled manipulation.  [27:27] How can I proceed when the people I've hurt refuse to talk to me?  [33:14] How does self-sabotage show up for both addicts and betrayed partners?  [37:40] Self activation and authentication can open us up to hurt as well as clarity.  [38:50] How can I react to my addict spouse if he refuses support?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “If you're going to use apology, you need to be ready to follow through.  Otherwise you're going to hollow out the word and make it the word that signals the start of a fight, not the start of repair.”  “Apology, executed well, can be a powerful change for the person issuing the apology.”  “I ended up listening and paying attention, and that's the power of saying ‘I'm sorry'.”  “Be careful not to hold your ‘I'm sorry' hostage or make it conditional.  If you're doing that, then you are the problem.”  “We're misusing an apology when we expect it to be a quick fix.”  “We never know where our person's breaking point is and we can't be the one to define that.” 

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the details of honesty – when, why and how you must tell the truth to begin reestablishing trust with your betrayed partner. Recovering addicts often take breaks in their recovery meetings and goals only to discover that they have taken serious steps backward as a result. Prioritizing the 12 Step program is essential to recovery and is also a sign that the addict is prioritizing their partner as well.    TAKEAWAYS: [0:44] If sex addiction is so prevalent, why are there so many strip clubs?  [03:51] Any tips for practicing rigorous honesty?  [9:00] Slow down and just tell the truth.  [11:00] Are betrayed spouses perturbed when partners start changing?  [15:26] Honoring your boundaries when your partner is picking a fight.  [19:08] Is it okay to focus on my own steps as well as my partner's at the same time?  [24:20] Part of recovery is developing interests that are not sex-related.  [26:00] How can we rebuild trust when the initial disclosure was dishonest?  [30:45] How can I stop obsessing over whether my partner is being honest?  [35:08] My affair partner won't leave me alone, what kind of individual help is available to me?  [38:49] I'm the former affair partner, now he's cheating on me.  [42:43] I'm so hurt. Is righteous victimhood a justified option?  [49:12] How can more privacy be a good option in recovery when there is no integrity?  [54:16] Prioritizing the 12 steps is prioritizing your spouse.    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “The problem isn't in all the stuff that's out there, the problem is within us.”  “Tell the truth and tell it faster.”  “We don't tell the truth for other people. We tell it for ourselves.”  “You can't fix your partner.  You can only work on you and how you show up.”  “Disclosure is a tool.  It's not the end point.”  “You don't want to do the things that have been done to you.  You need support and healing so you can be at peace with what's happened.” 

Dr. Tami is joined by Kristen Snowden, a licensed trauma therapist who works with addicts and their betrayed partners. Kristen shares questions for the betrayed to ask themselves when working through the process of deciding whether to stay or go. Shame, hurt and fear can accompany the choice to leave just as persistently as it can for someone who chooses to stay, and her questions can help the betrayed find clarity in the face of this life-altering decision.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] Blame and shame accompany the choice to stay as well as the choice to leave.  [6:45] Practical considerations that face the betrayed partner who is thinking about leaving.  [10:17] Are you suffering any physical or emotional abuse by choosing to stay?  [11:50] How has staying with your partner affected your physical and mental health?  [13:45] Has your partner ever voluntarily come clean about their addiction? Are they making any effort toward their progress?  [15:50] What does your support network look like? [18:46] What is your financial situation?  [19:45] Are there children involved in your relationship?  [20:52] Are any of your needs being met in this relationship? Are you able to stay aligned to your own values and goals?  [22:09] Have other boundaries failed to work up to this point? Would leaving help your partner realize the gravity of their actions?  [24:12] Is there a foundation of love, hope, and respect in this relationship?  [27:58] The right frame of mind to help you decide whether to stay or go.  [33:06] How can I anticipate what my partner needs as we heal together?  [38:23] Is it manipulation when my partner only says what I want to hear rather than taking real accountability for what they've done? [43:01] Am I enabling my partner by choosing not to divorce him for the sake of the kids?  [49:34] My husband is inconsistent about recovery. How can we move toward healing?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “If you find yourself stressed and overwhelmed and feeling like you need to leave, remember that more likely than not, you don't have to make that decision today.”  “Ask yourself, how has staying with your partner impacted your physical and mental health?”  “You need to surround yourself with supportive people to help you move through the crisis into a state of figuring out how to move forward.”  “Could your leaving be enough of a consequence to shake your partner awake?”  “Your partner gets to decide whether they want recovery.  They have choices.” 

Dr. Rob and Tami consider the timeline many couples face when traveling the road of recovery – how and when does it make sense to connect intimately again?  Too often the addicted partner is ready to move into the future without allowing appropriate time for healing from the pain and betrayal of the past.  How can couples recover and reconcile together in healthy and healing ways?    TAKEAWAYS: [0:27] I'm turned on by women that look nothing like my wife. What does this mean about my arousal template?  [4:30] Even models are made to feel like they are the wrong ‘type'. This isn't about you, it's about the broken person that is hurting you.  [6:51] It's been 39 years without emotional intimacy. I need guidelines for living as married singles.  [10:20] Why now? Consider what is prompting you to make a major change now.  [17:34] Integrity issues are still a major problem.  How can I enjoy intimacy again?  [22:58] Setting boundaries for healthy sexuality and better communication.  [26:45] Self-loathing and repulsion is a common side effect of acting out.  [29:12] How can I help support my spouse through my recovery?  [38:39] I'm open to reconciling, but he's accusing me of still living in the past. Is this manipulation?  [44:35] Hurt spouses are often just looking to be heard and supported for a change.  [45:55] Why is my partner's sex persona online nothing like his real life personality?  [50:05] What your partner is doing is not as important as the level of safety that you deserve to feel.    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “We have to separate addiction from arousal. People have lots of fantasies that they don't act on.”  “It is challenging as a recovering partner to have your spouse not be focused on you.”  “You are never, ever, ever, ever responsible for the behavior of the addict.”  “I may feel entitled to have sex, but going and doing it is just acting out.”  “You don't get a gold star for not doing what you weren't supposed to do in the first place.”  “I want you to see reality clearly and without judgement.” 

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss the arousal template and the meaning behind escalation in addiction. Behaviors themselves are rarely as important as the reasons why the behavior is happening in the first place.  What steps does an addict need to take to stop acting out in addictive and harmful ways? How can all involved parties get the support that they need when working through trauma, and where should the intimacy focus be placed in every step of recovery?    TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] My husband's porn addiction has grown to include trans sex. What does this mean about his arousal template?  [4:35] What role does escalation play in porn addiction? [9:12] Why do sex addicts have delusions, and can they be cured? [11:56] Examples of delusional thinking and the harm it can do. [13:48] I am the addict. What is the best way to get started with sex recovery?  [19:15] The one thing Dr. Rob knows is true in every recovery situation is that no one can do it alone.  [19:45] I'm one month into recovery - is it time for fun and safe games for reconnection with my wife? [26:45] Consultation options with Dr. Rob for anyone who is seeking hope and validation. [29:01] Recommendations for formal disclosure for a recovering addict should come from the therapist they are working with. [32:40] Is a period of abstinence necessary? The simple answer is YES. Now is the time to work through trauma. [38:10] If your spouse was an alcoholic, 30 days of sobriety would merely be the first step toward recovery. Sex addicts can abstain while focusing on healing.  [40:02] What is the difference between high libido and sex addiction?  [44:15] The top 15 activities for creating intimacy does not include sex.  [44:53] Is a straight man watching gay porn seeking trauma reenactment? [48:51] What matters most is not what is happening but why it's happening in the first place.  [50:15] Gay is a way of living, not just who you are attracted to.  [53:08] Understanding the why behind betrayal is not going to take away the pain, but doing the work to find peace and stability will.    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “There are many things that we are curious about that we don't act out in real life.”  “Delusional thinking means ‘I lie to myself first, and then I lie to everyone else'.” “You can't do this alone.  You cannot do this alone.”  “You do not want to have sex with someone that you don't trust.”  “The issues that you're dealing with as an addict are so much bigger than sex.” 

Dr. Rob and Tami explore some questions from sex addicts and betrayed partners about trust, intimacy, gaslighting, and disclosure. Dr. Rob highlights the difference between addictive behaviors and sexual preferences, offers a realistic timeline for full disclosure and healing, and explains (again) that there is nothing a partner can do to force an addict to act out. Dr. Rob has written a number of addiction books and explains which one would be most beneficial to whom, and offers additional support options for addicts and betrayed partners.    TAKEAWAYS: [0:29] Does wearing women's underwear mean I'm in danger of relapsing?  [5:33] How can I enjoy what turns me on without acting out again?  [8:20] What turns you on may or may not have anything to do with your addiction.  [11:05] My partner's fear of acting out again is keeping us from enjoying sex. How can we move forward together?  [14:45] You do not want to have sex with someone you don't trust.  [15:18] Dr. Rob highlights effective timing of disclosure to begin to restore trust.  [19:55] In a safe harbor relationship, both partners are committed to healing for a set period of time.  [21:52] Intimacy is not sex, it is the connection and foundation for healing and trust to be rebuilt. [22:46] Is a serial cheater who wants an open relationship dealing with addiction or lifestyle choice?  [25:01] An addict will always cross boundaries, no matter how wide they are or how open the communication is.  [28:09] My partner is withdrawing from sex again, after years of addiction and healing.  Where do we go from here?  [33:19] Is it typical for betrayal partners to confuse empathy with manipulation and control?  [37:25] How can I honor my boundaries while my addict is healing?  [43:37] Tami's advice for advanced planning and handling an addict's love bombing.  [45:13] Support group for addicts and betrayed partners, and using Dr. Rob's books effectively.  [50:01] How will we ever be able to have a healthy sex life again?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “If your attraction does not hurt yourself or hurt someone else or cause harm, and it brings you pleasure, even if you don't feel good about it, that doesn't mean that there is something wrong with it.”  “You do not want to have sex with someone that you don't trust.”  “Intimacy is not sex, it is the connection and foundation for healing and trust to be rebuilt.”

Dr. Rob and Tami answer some of their community's questions about addiction, betrayal, and more. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains the difference between intimacy and sex, why certain types of men/addicts cheat, and why the partners' of addicts often self-blame; but it is completely not their fault. If you're looking for additional support, Seeking Integrity has a number of free resources for both people with sex/porn addiction as well as their betrayed partners on the Seeking Integrity website.    TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] You can't control what your addict/betrayer is doing, so you need to protect and take care of you.  [5:00] If I have sex with him/her, will they stop their affairs?  [7:30] You deserve to be treated like a person. You deserve to be treated in a respectful manner.  [11:15] What happens to someone with a porn addiction?  [15:55] When you detox from porn, don't switch to other compulsive behaviors. [20:35] As someone with addictions, you are allowed to ask for a time out with your partner to calm down.  [22:35] Unfortunately, after you've hurt your partner, you can't depend on them to boost your self-esteem.  [30:25] Dr. Rob, can you talk more about why it's ‘not about sex' when someone acts out sexually?  [39:50] How long should I go without physical intimacy after a betrayal?  [44:15] Please, please, please if you're a betrayed partner, go to the doctor and get a full screening. Addicts lie and you need to take your health into your own hands.  [50:10] Why do betrayed partners stay with their addicts?  [55:00] Tami shares a few group resources for betrayed partners looking for support.    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “It's not about you. It's not how hot you are, how much weight you can lose, it's not about any of that. No matter what, they're gonna act out.” “Why would you sleep with someone you don't trust? If you don't trust him, don't let him in your bed.” “Sex addicts prove that you can have sex without intimacy.”

Dr. Rob and Tami share what a couple can expect when they sit down and talk with Dr. Rob in person or over Zoom when they are ready to address their infidelity and addiction issues. How do you know if a residential treatment is right for you? What do you do when your spouse still continues to lie to you after formal disclosure? All these questions answered, and more!    TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How long does it take to rewire a porn-addicted mind?  [4:50] Addicts think, ‘they can't live without this' but when they take a pause they realize that they didn't die. That they can push through.  [6:45] My husband said he'd be honest about the affairs going forward. This has been a complete lie. Where do I go from here?  [8:45] Whatever you do, don't give up on you.  [14:15] Unfortunately, you may never get what you want from that person.  [20:25] I fluctuate between me being a horrible person vs. me being a good person that just did a horrible thing. How can I differentiate? [25:55] I struggle to take ownership. Not sure what I should do?  [34:25] If you have a question about your spouse's addiction, write it down. Collect them, and then sit down at a scheduled time and talk about them.  [37:45] How do you know if residential treatment makes sense for you? [45:00] What does it mean to do a consultation with Dr. Rob?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “The brain doesn't get rewired, it's not a motherboard, but it does adapt.” “You're getting the kind of message that you have to work on your own life and what you want from the other person, you may never get; as much as you deserve it.” “Guilt is a good thing. Healthy guilt I made a mistake, I need to go back and fix it. Guilt is good information.”

Erin Snow, Clinical Director for Seeking Integrity, joins Tami on this episode to help talk about the importance of internal and regulation work, while also healing your hurt inner child. She speaks to betrayed spouses who are in love or have grief from loving their addict spouse, and more in today's episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] He claims to be sober, but he's doing nothing to be sober? [4:00] Men struggle to create intimate bonds with other men.  [15:50] It takes work to counteract what the brain wants to do.  [18:15] Most people who struggle with addiction don't even know what they want at the moment.  [20:55] Losing a friend is painful. Losing a partner? Even more so. It takes a lot of work to be comfortable in your own skin.  [22:45] Erin talks about a woman's retreat and how empowering it can be for women who have addicts in their lives.  [24:50] These women all share the same pain; loving their addict.  [28:55] Life isn't fair, but you can always choose to focus on yourself!  [29:20] We are separated and in couple's therapy. I'm in grief. How do I practice self-care on a daily basis?  [38:20] Sometimes addicts just don't want to make the decision to leave, so the partner has to do it for them.  [45:20] A porn addiction has damaged our relationship. How can we reconnect sexually again?  [53:10] He is addicted to prostitutes. I depend on him and he resents me. How do I heal?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “The most beautiful thing about treatment is men are forced to develop intimate bonds with other men.” “So for 20 years you've used problematic behaviors and then you magically stop it, and you're all good? Denial is the biggest component of addiction.” “Doing the work is unfair (as a betrayed spouse), nobody should have to do it, but it is a gift to get to the other side of regulation.”

Tami and Scott, the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity, answer some common questions people new to recovery might have. They cover everything from the difference in SA 12-step programs, what to look for, and what types of resources are available for SA-specific individuals and their betrayed spouses.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Today's episode covers common questions around the 12-step program.  [3:25] A 12-step program teaches us how to be honest with ourselves and others.  [3:45] Why are 12-step programs different for sex addicts?  [5:00] SA and eating disorder programs are different because we have to define our own sobriety.  [5:55] Scott breaks down the different SA groups you can join.  [11:40] How do I find the right resources for my specific needs? [17:35] What should a betrayed spouse look for/do?  [18:15] What about programs that aren't 12-step focused?  [20:20] Remember, 90 meetings in 90 days doesn't mean you're magically cured by day 91.  [29:15] What does it mean to have a ‘higher power' in a s12-step program? I'm not religious.  [34:15] I'm a betrayed partner but my husband won't admit any wrongdoing. What should I do?  [40:35] Who should my accountability partner be?  [47:50] When does it make sense to ask my partner about his recovery? I don't want to know the details, but I do want to know the progress.  [52:55] His friends are backing him up and I feel manipulated by him. What should I do?  [56:55] What should you look for in a sponsor?  [1:00:30] Can betrayed partners also attend a SA meeting?  RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “Eating disorders are about learning how to eat in healthier ways. Sexual sobriety is about what is problematic for me and what is not?” “It doesn't matter which SA group you go to, just be comfortable and be able to be honest. If you can share honestly and openly and get support, great, you're in the right spot.” “Tami and I are fans of 12-step recovery because that's what's worked for us, but there are other options. Explore them!”

Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions from sex addicts as well as betrayed spouses to help them through some of their biggest struggles this week. One question in particular stands out. A betrayed partner has been beaten down verbally by her sex addict. She has been internalizing messaging that his actions are her fault, along with her not being physically attractive or ‘good enough'. Dr. Rob and Tami offer advice for this woman and how she can seek resources to heal from the actions of her addict.    TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My entire family is dysfunctional. I'm working on it, but as a result my daughter is an anxious mess. What can I do? [3:50] You have to take care of yourself and set an example for your family.  [6:25] Does someone need to be in solid recovery for Dr. Eddie's recovery group?  [8:05] My addict started accusing me. Sure enough, he's acting out again with underage girls. What do I do?  [11:20] Most sex addicts aren't looking at 12 year olds! This addiction goes deeper into offending behavior.  [14:30] What resources can I use to help build trust and safety with my partner?  [18:05] What type of questions should I ask when going to a therapist for sex addiction? [21:00] Do the feelings of shame and anxiety ever go away?  [29:20] My SA still has an enmeshment with his mother. She still treats him like a child. Is this normal?  [33:15] I'm struggling to not take his behaviors personally, despite him blaming me for his actions. How can I heal?  [39:40] Should the addict be enrolled in two different 12 step programs?  [44:20] Dr. Rob highly encourages betrayed spouses to get an STD test!  [45:15] How can I get out of my own narcissism? I lie so much to myself that I believe it.    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “Addiction is a mental health issue. Your daughter needs to be evaluated and supported, regardless of what else is going on in the family.” “Mental health is different. Sometimes we have to give a little more, we have to bend a little more, we have to do things we might not do when we're in addiction or recovery.” “We sometimes look at drinking and drug use as a replacement for an anxiety problem.”

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about a young mother of two who is struggling to deal with her acting out and abusive husband. She doesn't want to break up the family and she's scared for her future, but Dr. Rob and Tami offer a beacon of hope in what should be some of her next steps.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:05] After a betrayal, when does it make sense to have sexual intimacy again? [9:35] He's blaming me for his addiction and he's relapsed. I don't want to break up the family, so what should I do? [15:40] Remember, none of this is your fault! [20:15] Dr. Rob hates that there's abuse going on in the home. [24:35] So many addicts don't realize that they'll never find what they're looking for. [25:15] He says he's in recovery. I don't think he is. I want to secure our financial future. What should I do?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how an addict might be skirting the boundaries with his betrayed wife. Is flirtation seen as an active addiction, especially when the addict does it when his wife's not around? The 1# thing addicts love is attention and/or admiration. So, they might be a little sneaky in how they get their fix.   TAKEAWAYS: [:25] She says I ruined her life. Can I salvage this relationship? [7:45] I don't have a lot of money. Why is a CSAT necessary for my recovery? [14:45] I'm acting out online with deep fetishes. Will it eventually escalate to in-person acting out? [21:55] He says he just loves to flirt and that there's nothing to worry about. If he's handing out compliments to attractive women, is that considered “active” addiction? [28:15] He keeps saying how he wants things to be back to normal. Is this some sort of sick joke?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about why someone might feel uncomfortable in recovery. A betrayed spouse was asked by her addict to join a couple's support group, but after all the positive praise she was getting, he told to stop going. Dr. Rob and Tami break down how couple's support groups can be a life-changing and positive experience for couples, but only if they embrace the not-so-comfortable parts of it.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:15] My addict asked me to join a couple's support group, but after he saw all the support I was getting, he told me to stop going. What's going on here?  [9:00] My wife is having trouble believing I can change. How can I show her that I'm a different person?  [18:25] How can I tell family and friends that we are over?  [22:35] My husband went behind my back and thinks I'm overreacting. What should I do?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse in her 50s. She has been a stay-at-home mother for 23 years and is having a tough time reconciling the ending of the relationship with her violent addict. Is the relationship really over despite a temporary restraining order? Can this be salvaged? Dr. Rob and Tami weigh in their thoughts during this horrible time.    TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I apologize to my children for being a bad parent?  [2:45] How do you define recovery? [8:35] Does sex addiction affect your memory? I swear I can't remember certain things.  [15:30] The label ‘addict' was incredibly freeing for Tami because for the first time, it meant that there was hope.  [17:05] Should I completely give up hope on my addict? Is it time to separate?  [19:45] If you can't do it for you, please leave your addict for the safety of your children.  [22:00] Please continue to Keep your home peaceful!    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Dr. Rob and Tami answer listener questions about getting back together in sobriety, support for the betrayed wife, getting to know each other in recovery, taking your recovery seriously, and not asking forgiveness but making amends. Every lie resets the relationship to the beginning of betrayal. When is the right time for couples therapy?   TAKEAWAYS: [:23] My SA husband's one-year sobriety date is today. It's also my one-year discovery date. He is in recovery. Where are couples at the one-year mark? Tami asks where the wife is as a betrayed partner. [2:56] Discovery is trauma. What support have you had? Dr. Rob says about a year in is when you run into the relationship. Who are you without the issues of addiction? [4:22] Married 36 years; in-house separated for two years. My husband is in recovery for six months. It's hard to consider welcoming him back. Is it time? Dr. Rob says to date and get to know each other. [6:56] Tami says to remember that you are different people than you were 36 years ago. Learning more about each other is going to be helpful. [7:26] I bought porn video and left the ATM receipt on the shredder. My wife is upset and wants an explanation. Dr. Rob says when you lie, it takes your wife back to the beginning. Take your recovery seriously and leave your wife alone. [11:36] Tami says at the ATM, ask your wife if it is OK to take money out for the slush fund. Don't make excuses to yourself. Dr. Rob says it will never be muscle memory to do the right thing. Put a process between you and the ATM. [15:58] My wife doesn't know if she wants to try and rebuild. I joked with my sister in an email and my wife says I am not grieving enough because I'm able to joke. Tami recommends the Couples Healing from Betrayal workgroup on SeekingIntegrity.com. [18:11] Dr. Rob points out that if you're grieving anything, it's being no longer able to get away with lies and acting out. Your spouse has been betrayed. She feels unsafe in the world and her home. Read Out of the Doghouse. [21:32] Let your spouse her have her feelings and don't question them. Tell her you understand her feelings because you caused them. [21:45] My husband tells me not to call him a sex addict. He has only anger and resentment toward me. I mess up. Am I wasting time in couples therapy? Couples therapy will not help her. The wife is victimized. Read Prodependence for people living with sex addicts. Set boundaries and find safety. [28:06] Dr. Rob adds to be honest with therapists. If they are not serving you, ask what they are doing. Tell them if it's not the time for you. They will respect that.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you're in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you're barely teetering the line or if you're in a bad and unsustainable place.   TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He's hurting me but I can't seem to walk away. How can I just leave him? [8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you. [10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships? [15:50] My betrayed partner doesn't believe me anymore, even when I'm telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her? [22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict? [26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don't have the money for another therapist right now.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed partner about his wife's recurring infidelity. What first begins as innocent text messages with a stranger quickly turn sexual for her. It's a pattern that has repeated over and over. As he is trying to save the relationship, he wonders if this is all due to her traumatic and awful past where she was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. Dr. Rob clarifies on what might be going on with a female sex addict.    TAKEAWAYS: [:35] My wife goes through the same sexual infidelity patterns. Is this due to unresolved childhood sexual trauma?  [8:45] When your wife acts out, what are some of the consequences that happen?  [14:40] There is a men's betrayed partner group that you can attend to get the support you need!  [16:00] I told my children about my addiction. One of them is extremely Christian and disapproves. How do I heal the relationship with my children?  [22:05] Focus on the work and let go of the outcome. It might not be possible to repair the relationship so soon after recovery.  [22:55] Now that I am in recovery, I am finishing within minutes. This has never happened before. What's going on?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from an addict who has also been betrayed by his spouse. They have both hurt each other with their addictions/infidelities, however, it seems unfair that he's in treatment for his demons and she is running around scot-free. Dr. Rob and Tami explain how you can move forward and focus on your own recovery despite experiencing a betrayal from your partner.   TAKEAWAYS: [:45] I'm absolutely DONE with my addict. I can't move out yet, so what can I do for my own safety? [5:00] I feel like I'm repressing my sexuality when I'm sober. Because of this, I can't seem to be sober for long periods. How do I become healthy? [8:50] Recovery is all about doing things; positive and good things for you. [9:45] How can I communicate to my separated spouse that I'm on a good recovery path now? [12:25] My SA is just not taking recovery seriously. How long does it take to stop messing up and get serious about this? [18:20] My wife has had a sexual affair. I'm not innocent either, but I feel like I'm the punching bag in this whole situation. Why am I the bad guy here? [21:50] My addict is just a mess. How can I safely disengage from all this pain? [25:15] When does it make sense for me to go back to dating as an addict?  [27:20] Is it common for terrible people to try and get “honorable” jobs to look good/better on the outside?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal?    TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA husband's entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary?  [8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction?  [16:15] What's the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it.  [18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing.  [19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do?  [26:05] If you're not doing the work, then it doesn't matter what you say or do.  [26:15] He's sober but still can't be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether it makes sense for an addict to be put on a harm reduction treatment for sex addiction. A listener writes in wondering if he should completely stop or if reducing the impact and damage through harm reduction is a good starting point. Dr. Rob sets the record straight on what he thinks about harm reduction and honesty.   TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My partner admitted he's a liar and a cheater, but will not admit he's an addict. He doesn't “relate” to it. Will he ever be sober? [5:20] How can someone not be co-dependent if they have no sense of self? [12:30] I'm not ready to tell my family about his addiction, but I also feel like I'm hiding a big part of myself from them. How do I manage both worlds? [15:50] How do I let go of old PTSD? I keep retraumatizing myself. [20:05] My husband says all the right things but there's no real empathy. [25:20] I have been sober for a year, but I still use harm reduction techniques. Does this still count as sober?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a listener who is struggling to be a more empathetic person to their partner. Despite his best efforts, he can't seem to be present and emotionally available for her. Is this because he has ADHD? Is he just broken? How can he fix this? Dr. Rob and Tami offer a more detailed insight into what might actually be going on.   TAKEAWAYS: [:25] How do I build trust with myself again to pick better after dating a sex addict? [2:35] Date them long enough to see if they have the ability to self-reflect. [7:15] My empathy is broken. How do I change? [11:45] I found out my same-sex partner has been acting out with the opposite sex. Is it because her needs just aren't being met or is this addiction? [18:25] I think I'm addicted to him, but I've read that you can't be addicted to a person. How do you explain this? [20:15] What are sex addicts actually addicted to? [28:15] Is there a rough draft of what healthy boundaries look like? [30:15] Dr. Rob offers some examples of what a boundary would look like with an addict.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about what to do when your addict is incredibly jealous when you have friends of the opposite sex. It seems very hypocritical when they're the ones who caused harm and cheated in the first place. Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how to set healthy boundaries with someone who is out-of-their-mind jealous.   TAKEAWAYS: [:35] How do I believe my addict is being honest without a polygraph? [6:25] My boyfriend is obsessed with his niece. Very touchy with her. This seems very strange. [11:30] He accuses me of being close to other men despite him being the one who cheated. How can I be calm when addressing this behavior? [15:55] He's never been honest about him acting out. I have to catch him in the act. What should I do? [20:00] You're incredibly focused on him and his needs, but what about you? What are your needs? [21:05] My husband dropped two big bombs on me. Is this marriage just over?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss what an addict can do if the 12-step program just isn't for them. Should they stop going? Should they keep white-knuckling it? Tami offers resources for those who feel very out of place at these particular meetings. When it comes to recovery, getting the help you need and doing so correctly is the most important step in the process.   TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I noticed my SA and other SA men do not have healthy male friendships. Is this normal? [4:15] If these unhealthy female relationships make you uncomfortable, you need to voice your concerns. [6:45] My SA wants guarantees from me that I'll still be with him once he enters into a program. How do I handle this? [11:00] Every therapist says addiction isn't about the sex, however, my addict says otherwise. What do you think, Dr. Rob? [14:30] Why do addicts have intimate avoidant attachment issues? [18:05] I don't seem to fit into the 12-Step program but I still go anyway. Is there any chance I can find integrity without attending these particular meetings? [24:55] What does a healthy sexual relationship look like in a married couple? [27:40] If you're a betrayed spouse, please read Dr. Rob's book Prodependence. It will help clarify any questions you might have.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss “What is the Concept of ‘Home,' Really?”  

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss why someone would “suddenly” become an addict in their mid-40s. Sometimes, there were no inklings that this person was even an addict in the first place, but how true is that? Dr. Rob breaks down why someone might become an addict out of the blue in this week's episode.   TAKEAWAYS: [:35] My husband has nocturnal emissions. Is this normal or is he just lying? [8:05] My husband left some things out in formal disclosure. His therapist doesn't think these details were important. Is there any hope that he'll change? [13:05] Dr. Rob is concerned for people who lie in their recovery groups and to their therapists. [17:35] Is it ever possible that an addiction starts after a mid-life crisis? [20:45] How do I focus on my recovery when my partner isn't sure if she wants to be with me? [23:25] What is the difference between prodependency and codependency? [27:15] How can I retrain my mind and be a better man?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss What is the Concept of “Home,” Really?  

Dr. Rob and Tami dive into when it makes sense for someone to date again after being sober and in recovery from sex, love, or porn addiction. This can be tricky for some professionals to determine, but Dr. Rob and Tami walk through some of the questions you need to ask yourself before you take that next step in the relationship. Remember, the goal isn't to have sex in the dating process, it's to get to know that person.    TAKEAWAYS: [:35] How do I know if someone in recovery is ready to date again? [5:15] The goal isn't to have sex. The goal is to get to know the person. [6:25] Dr. Rob, can you explain what is a home? [15:15] I am having a hard time coping with my addictions. What can I do? [20:45] It takes work to become a better person. [25:00] Do people with OCD also have a higher chance to suffer from addiction?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss “What is the Concept of ‘Home,' Really?”  

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse whose sex addict husband isn't doing the work. He says that he won't act out anymore because she's “fixed” after all the therapy she's doing. What kind of logic is this? Dr. Rob calls out this deflection behavior and wants every betrayed spouse to remember three important and critical things about themselves.   TAKEAWAYS: [:35] My husband says he'll kill himself before he'll act out again. Not sure what to make out of this? Should I be concerned? [6:05] My SA is so mean that when he does something nice, I think it's malicious. How do I view him in a better light? [9:35] Is masturbation considered a betrayal? [13:35] Addicts are very good at compartmentalizing. We have an intimacy disorder. [16:40] My husband is no longer in a program. He believes he won't be acting out anymore because I'm all “fixed.” Can I trust this? [21:05] Spouses! Dr. Rob wants you to write these three things down on pen and paper. [23:20] You can contribute to the problems in your marriage, but you cannot contribute to someone else making a decision toward what they want to do with their life. [25:15] Addicts have a million ways of telling you it's your fault.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a distraught mother who has no idea how to work through her daughter's feelings and emotions about her father's sexual betrayal. Despite the young daughter going to a therapist, the mother is receiving news from him that she should be 100% honest with her daughter about what's happening in the household. Dr. Rob weighs in on how this isn't healthy or good advice, and how to best approach this instead.   TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My 9-year-old daughter found out about his affairs and is now self-harming. What can I do to help her through this? [7:00] My wife stopped mid-way through formal disclosure. I revealed more info to her a few months later, and now she wants a divorce. How can I best show up for her now? [14:25] My husband has been in and out of sobriety. Am I crazy that this man just isn't doing the work? [19:25] Your spouse just isn't in recovery. He's checking the minimal boxes. What can you do to show up for you? [20:55] I don't think I will ever be able to have sex with this man ever again. Should I just leave this relationship?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how a betrayed spouse can work towards forgiving their partner who is suffering from sex addiction or other related issues. Many addicts fail to understand why it takes their spouse so long to recover from their betrayal. Dr. Rob explains from a betrayed spouse's point of view how, and when, to move forward.   TAKEAWAYS: [:35] What's the difference between chronic cheating vs. being a sex addict? [3:55] It's easy for SA to justify their poor behaviors. [4:45] If you can't stop the cheating, get help. [8:35] Assessments are a vital tool to really dive deep into why someone is acting out the way they are. [10:55] You have to address the mental health issues that surround whatever the addict is going through that is causing them to act out. [11:55] How do I know if someone is a love addict? [15:45] As a betrayed partner, I keep waiting for the next shoe to drop. What should I do? [25:40] My spouse is completely done with me. How can I still stay motivated on my recovery journey?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss whether a listener is truly living a sober life. The listener asked if it's okay to masturbate to pictures of their own body now that they're sober from porn. Dr. Rob weighs in on his interesting thoughts on the matter. Dr. Rob also answers questions about when is a good time to initiate intimacy with a SA, and much more.   TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My addict is doing “borderline” sketchy behavior but hasn't actually done anything or crossed a line. Should I be mad? [7:10] I'm a female SA in recovery and now I get off to pictures of my own body. Is this normal? [12:40] My SA is new to recovery. Is now a good time to challenge him on different ways we can create intimacy without sex? [21:50] I'm not ready to tell our immediate family about his addiction. Should we ever tell them? [26:45] I started watching porn when I was 8. I think I am a heterosexual, but I am not sure. How do I know for sure? [30:00] How long will it take my addict to “figure himself” out?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Dr. Rob and Tami offer advice from a husband who has betrayed his spouse. Although he's been sober for 22 months now, his wife still feels so hurt by his past actions. He automatically wants to be on the defensive when she's upset, but can't. What are some of the best ways he can comfort his wife? Dr. Rob and Tami share different approaches to help this couple move forward and toward healing.   TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My spouse and I each have our own therapists. Does it ever make sense for us to meet with the same therapist? [8:35] My former sex addict also babysits little children, should I be concerned for those little girls' safety? [15:25] My wife is still upset about my past. How can I comfort her during this time? [19:45] Tami offers some different ways/words you can communicate to your betrayed spouse. [21:10] Dr. Rob talks about why we might act out “randomly.” [26:45] There's nothing wrong with having an escape plan to get out of a very triggering moment for you.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone who is “white knuckling” their recovery. They're not leveraging their resources to the fullest because their recovery and journey to sobriety are still in secret. Dr. Rob and Tami explain why this isn't considered a healthy path to long-term recovery, despite being sober.   TAKEAWAYS: [:50] I really feel like his recovery journey is too good to be true. Is he really progressing, or is it all still a lie? [9:45] I am 100 days sober, but my wife doesn't know about my addictions. What should I do? [17:30] Is he no longer acting out, or is he just really good at hiding it? [23:55] Can voyeurism and exhibitionism be “cured”? [25:55] He backpedals when he makes a mistake. How do I cope when he makes these slips?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss