Practice of Being Seen

My colleagues Jules and Vickey and I just launched a new podcast and I am super excited to share it with you, so I'm sharing it here!! In this trailer, we're sharing the story of how we met, how we've come to work together, how this podcast came to be, and what you can expect in future episodes. We're calling this podcast Why Does My Partner (or Why Doesn't My Partner, it's interchangeable) because these are the questions we hear over and over again in our offices. We believe these questions lead to the GOLD of relational healing and the answers under these questions will bring us deep into the skills at the heart of deeper relational intimacy, greater health, and fulfillment. Share your questions with us at: https://whydoesmypartner.com/ (whydoesmypartner.com)! If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at http://whydoesmypartner.com/ (WhyDoesMyPartner.com) This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Hello Friends!  I've archived this show and have started a new podcast that I wanted to make sure you knew about. I'd love for you to check out the Connectfulness Practice podcast, now available on your favorite podcast platform.  After you listen to a few episodes, I’d be grateful if you could leave an honest rating and review in iTunes of how the podcast supports your journey.  Join the Connectfulness® Community for deeper discussions. And follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. GRATITUDES: Christy Haussler and my behind the scenes podcasting team. Sarah and Chris Faris and Kidneystone Studio for our delicious soundtrack music. And our new cover-art design by Blue Rabbit Studios with photo by Craig Strahorn.

This is a special conversation about making a pivot in your business in order to get closer to what you’re meant to do. Annie and I each get personal about the pivots we’re each moving through and we talk about the retreat we’re hosting in 2019 for YOU.   Topics Discussed In This Episode:   Owning the work you’re best at Revisioning your business Thinking about your body of work and what legacy you’re creating Mindset issues is that come up when you push the boundaries of your business The Signature Heart And Soul Business Retreat: A retreat for entrepreneurs who are expanding and stepping into bigger leadership: https://connectfulness.com/signature-retreat Letting go of what’s no longer working in your business The process of rebranding during a pivot (both Annie and Rebecca’s experiences) Rebecca’s pivot to Connectfulness (https://connectfulness.com/) Annie’s pivot to Rebel Therapist (https://rebeltherapist.me/)     Resources Discussed: Join us for two FREE virtual retreats that offer a small taste of the kind of transformative work that will happen over the four days of our Signature Retreat:    Change Your Relationship With Imposter Syndrome on 12/14/2018  https://connectfulness.com/events/imposter-syndrome   What's Your Most Powerful Leadership Style? on 2/20/2019 https://connectfulness.com/events/leadership-style     Listen above or on your favorite podcast platform.

There is something for all of us to take away and learn from this conversation. Every single one of us gets to pause and learn who we are in relationships with ourselves and who we are and how we show up in relationships with others and we also have to pause and learn our partners and loved ones.    April Snow is an Associate Marriage & Family Therapist in downtown San Francisco. She believes thriving as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) a matter of knowing yourself and making adjustments to care for your unique temperament. If you’ve been listening for some time, you may recall April joined us to open our Highly Sensitive Series back on episode 57. She’s returned to dive even deeper and answer listener questions and curiosities around the Highly Sensitive Trait.    We’re talking about the ways the highly sensitive trait and trauma, especially in a dysregulated state, can overlay. We dive deeply into discussion around the development of one’s inner voice. We ask big questions like: “where do you shine?” and “what parts of yourself do you sacrifice in service of others?”   Resources: expansiveheart.com   Sensitivetherapist.com HSP Adult Self-Test The full HSP series on the #POBScast Working With Rebecca: Dive deeper with Rebecca while helping to support production of the #POBScast when you join our Wild Woman Discussion Groups; we meet online through September 2018.    Learn more about Rebecca’s relationship therapy practice and intensive couples retreat in NY go to connectfulness.com   Join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com.   To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.   If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com

Many people feel that they can’t be themselves in relationship, either because of society’s pressure on them to be and act a certain way, or the pressure they feel from a significant other who demands them to be something other than their true self. In this episode we’re talking about Releasing Shame & Reclaiming Desire with Arielle Brown so that our intimate relationships can allow for more alignment between our inner self and our outer reality.   Arielle is a Relationship Coach and Intimacy Educator based in the San Francisco Bay area. She helps visionaries craft intimate relationships with conscious design so they can truly bring their voice and their impact into the world. She says the key is connecting and communicating our desires in ways that release shame and self-doubt and transmit our gifts.   Gender conditioning is one of the obstacles all of us face. We can’t share our gifts when we live with the fear of losing love and having to fit ourselves into “boxes of appropriateness.” Often women believe they need shape themselves into something they’re not. Arielle asks the question, “Who am I and how do I release the fear of how other people perceive me?” She says that doing this kind of work is the only way we can change the current culture around relationships and intimacy.   Arielle shares her personal journey; filled with negative body image, sexual obsessions, an unhealthy relationship with food and emotionally abusive and toxic relationships with men. Her personal transformation journey has been filled with learning true intimacy and sexual healing practices. Her healing work centers on helping people figure out where they are carrying underlying beliefs that undermine the power we seek to embrace and cultivate; which leads to liberating what society teaches you to shut down and conform.   Our conversation also covers simple and practical ways to play with relationship in ways that allow for full expression of self. We discuss how to find balance between controlling desires and the art of being in command of them. Arielle shares her approach to communicate openly and shift dynamics around sexual intimacy.    Connecting deeper and exploring intimacy requires self-love and compassion--- we all need more of that.   Resources:   www.ariellebrown.com APPETITE is Arielle’s 6-Week Virtual Course for Women Reclaiming the Purity of their Desire, beginning on August 15th, 2018!  Find Arielle on Facebook!

In this episode, we're focusing on the experiences of immigrants and people of a color in therapy.   My guest, John Edwards, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Gottman Method Couples’ Therapist in Oakland, CA, with over 28 years in practice. John’s an immigrant from the Caribbean and a gay black man, these personal experiences help him relate to clients who feel marginalized or unheard in society. He knows that there isn’t just ONE way for relationships to work and that everyone has a different story, no matter where they began.    Couples and families of color have to face issues of racism, sexism, and complicated relationship issues in ways unknown to white people. John sees this in his practice and highlights why the majority of therapists don’t understand or relate to the experience of an immigrant or a racial minority.    John shares how deep-seated wounds from childhood can play into relationship issues and how we perceive even the most innocuous words and actions. In his work as a Gottman Method therapist, he has learned skills needed to actually listen and hear what his clients say, and these same skills that are useful especially in couples’ work are what our world needs today.    And do stay tuned for Rebecca’s news about the future direction of the POBScast at the end of the show. 

Have you ever thought of relationships as sacred and spiritual spaces? Join us for a conversation that takes a deep dive into concepts you’ve never considered before and open your eyes to new ways to think of yourself and your relationships to others.    My guest, Tamara Powell, LMHC, is a colleague, and past guest of the show. Her favorite topic sacred psychology -the intersection between traditional psychology with a focus on the holistic self, including the spirituality of a person- honors the divine nature in all of us and the connection to a higher power. In her Pensacola, Florida practice Tamara works with clients about anxiety, identity exploration, relationships, LGBTQ issues, sexual issues, and spiritual abuse and trauma. She describes herself as “rebel and a visionary with the heart and soul of a gypsy.”   Relationships can be mirrors, revealing and polishing our growth edges. Tamara explains these spaces as “heavenly sandpaper,” or the spaces in life that rub us and cause us to grow and explore. Life is full of reflection points that grow our self-esteem as we learn how to more realistically see the world. And yet, sometimes we feel like misfits, or “a trapezoid in a world full of circles.” Tamara believes that suffering results when people don’t fit in.    Tamara shares the concept of “radical autonomy” and what it entails. How do we connect with another person while remaining intact? There are numerous ways to apply this thinking to any human relationship. Relevant in today’s society is the question, “can I celebrate another’s culture while taking pride in my own?” Radical autonomy comes into play and is useful when we learn NOT to be triggered by things like social media posts. It’s what it means to fully embrace another person’s everything. We discuss what truth really is, how to honor your perception and the other person’s as well, and how to identify the “gremlins” in a relationship.    Resources: Tamara’s practice:  www.aryatherapy.com   

What kind of support exists for people who question their gender identity and the people who love them? Fortunately, there are therapists who specialize in offering support and safe spaces for the discussions and self-discovery in the face of the intense societal pressure trans folk experience. Today’s show tackles these issues and more. Sarah Gilbert, LCSW, is the owner of Transitions Therapy, LLC, a private practice in Manchester, Connecticut. Her mission is to help people author their unique identities. She specializes in working with teens and adults who identify as transgender, as well as those who love them. A part of her practice also involves giving support and education to the family members of transgender people. Sarah believes that when people live in their true identities, they come alive and inspire others to do the same. Sarah shares the metaphor of gender as water that surrounds fish as representative of the subtle gender reminders that surround people even before birth. We are socialized in the binary limits of gender identity, however, an increasing portion of our population are finding ways to live out their gender roles as other than strictly male or female. Sarah would like to see shifts in people opening up to this conversation and the wide range of gender identities, with many choices to empower people in the individual gender identity process.  One important aspect of this conversation is to realize that gender identity and sexual orientation are NOT the same thing, even though they are related. There are deep layers of self-discovery and uncertainty in the identity process; there can also be intense grief, knowing that life is not going in the easy direction that someone expected and that others around them are affected and disrupted.  A takeaway from this conversation: there is no ONE plan for transitioning that fits everybody. There is no set formula, but this journey is an individual one. As with each of us, the trans person wants to belong. They don’t want to be misgendered, misunderstood, or invalidated. What they need from others is respect, compassion, and awareness from friends and family as they figure out who they are and how they fit in the world. This is what each person deserves, regardless of how they factor into society’s norms.    Resources:  www.transitionstherapyllc.com Find Sarah on Facebook: Transitions Therapy LLC Learn more about Sarah’s upcoming events including The SPOT a FREE support group for spouses and partners of trans folk and her Introductory Training to Transgender Affirmative Care at: http://transitionstherapyllc.com/events/ The Radical Copyeditor's Style Guide For Writing About Transgender People: https://radicalcopyeditor.com/2017/08/31/transgender-style-guide/    Working With Rebecca: Dive deeper with Rebecca while helping to support production of the #POBScast when you join our Wild Woman Discussion Groups. We meet online the last Thursday of the month through September 2018.  Learn more about working with Rebecca's 1-on-1 integration coaching at: practiceofbeingseen.com/integration-coaching Learn more about Rebecca’s relationship therapy practice and intensive couples retreat in NY go to connectfulness.com Join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com. To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com

Chances are that you or someone you love dearly has been affected by childhood trauma. The statistics are appalling as to the prevalence of childhood trauma, and unfortunately, we don’t seem to be changing the trend. Today we’re talking about childhood trauma and trauma informed care.    My guest, Laura Reagan is an expert on how childhood trauma affects our lives. She’s also the host of the Therapy Chat podcast (a highly recommended fave of mine). Laura is a clinical social worker in Maryland specializing in trauma, attachment, LGBTQ issues, mindfulness, and self-compassion.    The CDC’s Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE Study) is a great place to begin broadening our understanding of childhood trauma - it uncovered a link between childhood trauma and higher risk of health and social problems later in life. The overwhelming experiences that impact children can include physical assault, assault by one parent on another, alcoholic or imprisoned parent, death of a parent, feeling unwanted, and sexual abuse. Statistics suggest that nearly two-thirds of adults have experienced at least one. Physical and mental health effects can lead to anxiety, depression, suicide, substance abuse, relationship problems, and physical ailments. These physical effects can contribute to a shorter life span by up to 20 years. The study also shows that early intervention will lead to better outcomes. Laura shares about the types of interventions that work best and how traumatic memories are held in the body and how later-in-life relationships are affected.   On the therapy side are several key issues, including the aspects of boundaries and knowing what you need. It is common for childhood trauma survivors to use dissociation as an escape and a coping mechanism; it’s important for a therapist to get to the “why” of the triggers and teach mindfulness.  Our “unresolved stuff” affects relationships, and what children need most is the guidance to express their feelings and cope with them in order to develop healthy relationships. Laura explains the concept of “parentified” children and the challenges in working through that trauma. She says that the transformation effect is “like going from a black and white picture to technicolor with a full, rich range of opportunities and deeply connected relationships.” In our conversation, we also address the concepts of isolation vs. connection, the tie-in to the current immigrant crisis involving children, and overall dehumanizing behaviors that are common in today’s society.   Resources:   www.therapychatpodcast.com more about ACES

We all have ideals, opinions, and expectations of our governing leaders---and sadly, often those ideals are not met because we elect “politicians.” Today’s show is about change---real change that can happen when the voice of the people is truly heard by community leaders and when the needs of every segment of the community are addressed and improved. This conversation is a breath of fresh air.  Brandy Brooks genuinely has the heart and the determination to make these changes into reality--for the good of ALL the people.   Brandy Brooks is an organizer and educator who has spent nearly 15 years working on social, environmental and economic justice. Her areas of focus include community organizing and empowerment, community-­based design, land use planning, food justice, and food sovereignty. She currently works as the Leadership Development Organizer for Progressive Maryland. Brandy has served on multiple nonprofit boards and planning committees locally and nationally. She continues to speak at local and national events on community design, community-­based food systems, and cooperative development. Brandy’s civic and professional leadership have been recognized through numerous awards and fellowships.   We are taught that we are powerless to change the systems that govern us, but Brandy strives to help people reclaim their power and break down false narratives that are used to divide, dehumanize, and control us. Her hope is to provide a “people-powered democracy” where the needs, hopes, and dreams of all are valued. In her words, “I want us to live into our boldest visions for a renewed, healed, and liberated world where we can all live in peace, love, and dignity.”   Brandy recently ran as a candidate for Montgomery County Council-At-Large in Maryland. Even though society tells her as a woman of color that she has a certain “place,” she says her life has a calling and she has a destiny to fulfill. Her goal is to “do politics” differently in a way that engages people in organizing them to tell their stories and experiences and build the vision they want in the world. Brandy’s theme is “relational politics,” based on how we build trust, protect each other, understand benefits and drawbacks, and make choices. When things in our society are broken, it ultimately comes down to fundamentally broken relationships. Unfortunately, some groups want to maintain power over others and keep groups of people “disconnected by design.”   You’ll be inspired by Brandy’s account of the moment when she realized she could not remain in the shadows any longer. She is open and transparent about her battle to maintain mental health in the face of depression. Brandy is an advocate for others who face mental health stigma and have been shamed and blamed. People need support in whatever their needs are, and they need to choose a space of freedom. Brandy’s other passions include improving “out-of-whack” relationships with farming, food, education, and community healing. Brandy dreams of building “a world that matches our values – a world where justice and love and dignity and care for one another are the bedrock for how we govern ourselves.” Resources:   http://brandy4montgomery.com   Find Brandy on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram: @brandy4moco

In part 3 of our Highly Sensitive Series, we highlight many desirable HSP qualities in the areas of leadership and intuition. Karina Antonopoulos is a relationship coach for highly sensitive women. Her expertise lies in helping high sensation highly sensitive people find support in improving relationship quality, connection, and communication. She guides her clients in how to read the maps of life, navigate the internal compass, handle roadblocks and diligently take steps towards carving out their own meaningful piece of the world. Karina explains intuition, sensitivity, and the difference in empathy and compassion. The qualities that make good leaders, like awareness, collaboration, and noticing strengths and weaknesses, are inherent within most HSP’s. They can use intuition to be visionaries to see the guidance needed for the future, even though we know the path ahead is not fully revealed. And we also discuss how HSP’s can deal with fear, letting it be a guiding force forward, connecting us to intuition. Karina, as a high sensation highly sensitive person, knows that change can be created when these actions are modeled for those around us. A ripple effect occurs when people lead with knowing and trust.  For the full show notes please visit: practiceofbeingseen.com/episode/74  

20% of the world’s population is made up of people who carry a character trait called high sensitivity. That amounts to 1 in 5 people so the chances are high that either you or someone you love is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). HSP’s are often overloaded with the chaos of the world and more keenly impacted by both positive and negative experiences. Today’s show dives deep into the HSP trait and coping skills needed for HSP’s to thrive.   My guest Julie Bjelland, LMFT, has a private psychotherapy practice in California. Julie teaches innovative online brain-training courses and has written several books, including Brain Training for the Highly Sensitive Person. She’s a highly sensitive person and is the mother of two HSP children. Julie’s mission is to help HSP’s suffer less and access their gifts more.    We discuss character traits that are common among HSPs, such as anxiety, low self-esteem, negative self-beliefs, and a sense of obligation to take care of others’ needs over their own. And we also explore the research which shows specific differences in the HSP’s brain, most notably increased activation of the amygdala, which controls the “fight, flight, or freeze” response to stimuli. Julie shares why she feels sensitive people have always been needed among the human species for survival, evolutionarily speaking. And I inquire about a possible connection to epigenetics and we muse about how transgenerational transmission of trauma might relate to sensitivity.    What we know for sure is that our world needs sensitive people and in order for sensitive people to thrive they need to focus on balance in life and to recognize their own gifts of intuition and compassion. Julie shares specific examples of the brain training that can help HSP’s shift their lifestyle so it supports them. Check out Julie’s website for great resources that can help.     Resources:   www.juliebjelland.com   Brain Training for the Highly Sensitive Person by Julie Bjelland

How do you feel about money? Is it a subject you’re comfortable talking about? Most of us know money is necessary in today’s world, but we may not realize the sensitivity we carry around talking about this topic. And how many relationship issues are related to our views of money. Today’s show explores the psychology of our relationship with money. My guest Joanne Leffeld began her career as a Certified Financial Planner in the NY metropolitan area. Now in the Hudson Valley she’s created a unique business working with clients one-on-one and with couples. She offers a holistic approach referring to herself as a “Moolah Doula,” helping people give birth to a healthier relationship with money. Joanne talks about how we deal with feelings of unworthiness and “not enough-ness.” She offers a unique view on the “enough vs. abundance” perspective. And shows how we can change our mindset to fight against self-limiting beliefs. We have to expand our beliefs in what we can accomplish in order to change the flow of energy and put a positive spin on day-to-day lives.  We also talk about a topic that’s really close to my heart as a relationship therapist: how money (and other difficult conversations) can interrupt the flow in relationships. When there is discomfort in the partner relationship, in the couple, we are often showing up as adaptive children who have learned behaviors, because we all carry baggage from our childhood experiences.  Resources: www.joanneleffeld.com Find Joanne on Instagram: Joanne-Leffeld   Working With Rebecca: Dive deeper with Rebecca while helping to support production of the #POBScast when you join our Wild Woman Discussion Groups. We meet online the last Thursday of the month through September 2018.  Learn more about working with Rebecca's 1-on-1 integration coaching at: practiceofbeingseen.com/integration-coaching Learn more about Rebecca’s relationship therapy practice and intensive couples retreat in NY go to connectfulness.com   Join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community   For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com.   To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.   If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com      

When is it time to turn inward?   When we show up for the people that we love, our attention is diverted from other things. There’s so much in this world that is competing for our time and attention. The result of this attention-grabbing is that our inner center is often left unattended. When we focus outwardly, especially in a helping profession, we tend to ignore the important inner work that needs to happen in order to take care of ourselves. My guest today has done extensive work with how we show up in the world to different people with a fully integrated life. I am delighted to bring to you the wisdom of Dave Conley.    Dave thinks of each individual life as a series of concentric circles. There is the innermost circle of you, and then the circles around represent your relationship to the rest of the world. Dave is going to tease apart some of those most important relationships, and how feeding and nurturing and tending to that inner circle can extend its influence to the rest of your relationships. He will also tease out an excellent understanding of resilience, and how the right kinds of self-nurturing can build us up to weather the storm.      Dave speaks from a place of personal experience and interpersonal empathy that rings so true for me. His calling to helping professionals, anyone in general, to put more work into your innermost self, and place less focus and energy just on being seen. We show up the most visibly when our innermost self is nurtured and loved. Dave will teach us techniques to help us slow down, pause, and take care of ourselves with small, sustainable shifts. Once we learn to do that, our impact on the rest of the world becomes that much more effective.    Resources: Get better sleep and connect with Dave: https://limitl.es/rebecca/   Quotes:  "Right at the very, very center of yourself is your spiritual practice. It's your self-practices, how you move. It's how you eat is how you take care of yourself. Just the very, very center. It's you." –Dave Conley “When you don’t have to push and work so hard to be seen, the effort that was previously going towards that is freed up to go to so many other things.” –Rebecca Wong  “There's only a finite amount of attention that we have in any given day. And if we keep splitting those things up over and over again, it takes time to refocus from thing to thing to thing.” –Dave Conley       Working With Rebecca:   Dive deeper with Rebecca while helping to support production of the #POBScast when you join our Wild Woman Discussion Groups. We meet online the last Thursday of the month through September 2018.    Learn more about working with Rebecca's 1-on-1 integration coaching at: practiceofbeingseen.com/integration-coaching   Learn more about Rebecca’s relationship therapy practice and intensive couples retreat in NY go to connectfulness.com   Join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community   For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com.   To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.   If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com    

We are humans, we create.   Treat your soul to some self-care today and join Lanie Smith and I as we explore creativity, self-knowledge, and how art and nature combine. We’re talking about the evolution of Lanie’s signature approach to wellness and self-care as a sustainable lifestyle, EcoArt Wellness. Sustainable is the key word here because for Lanie, creating art and communing with nature are as natural as living her life. Lanie is an art therapist, coach and consultant with a passion for supporting other helping professionals tune in as an antidote to burnout and chronic stress. Lanie is on a mission to put people in touch with the process of life through the natural environment. EcoArt Wellness is constantly evolving, so today, Lanie and I get a chance to dive into what that looks like and what it could be in the future. We also had a chance to explore and tease out what it means to be creative, to be spiritual, and to be, well, human.   Lanie has a gift. She can take charged words like “Creativity,” and “Spirituality” and turn them into something sustainable and life-giving. Together, we’ll define what it might look like to trust our inner knowing, if only we slow down to hear it. I invite you to take what is formless and give it form. Learn from Lanie’s little practices and start cultivating some EcoArt Wellness in your own life. You won’t be disappointed.   Resources: Lanie online and your Burnout Prevention Guide: laniesmithcoaching.com/burnoutpreventionguide Lanie’s group practice in Phoenix, AZ: Integrative Art Therapy Working With Rebecca: Rebecca’s integrative mastermind for therapists is now forming. It’s designed to help release blockages, cultivate your vision and tend to yourself and the relationships that support you. Our foci is on integrating your professional and personal parts in full support of you thriving in all aspects of your life, relationships, and livelihood. All of these layers of you play together to either elevate you to the next level or hold you stuck in a loop of overwhelm and inaction.  We’re still accepting enrollment in our Wild Woman Discussion Groups that meet online the last Thursday of the month through September 2018. We’re journeying together in remembering who we are, what we are made of, and why we are here.   Learn more about working with Rebecca's 1-on-1 integration coaching at: practiceofbeingseen.com/integration-coaching Learn more about Rebecca’s relationship therapy practice and intensive couples retreat in NY go to connectfulness.com   For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com.

I had the deep joy of chatting with my friends Eva Tenuto and Hayley Downs to discuss the transformative power of sharing your story. I’m honored to share this episode with you. You may recall Eva, co-founder of the TMI Project, was a guest on our Where Storytelling Meets Activism episode on season one. I connect deeply with TMI Project's mission of “changing the world…one story at a time,” so much so, that I moonlight as a TMI Project workshop facilitator. Since 2012, twice a year, TMI Project has offered 10-week memoir writing and true storytelling workshops specially tailored to meet the needs of the Mental Health Association in Ulster County, Inc.. A documentary about this partnership, entitled Vicarious Resilience, will be released on May 29, 2018 at The Rosendale Theatre in NY. This short documentary highlights the experience of three participants, Morris Bassik, Barbara Stemke and, our guest, Hayley Downs as they went through the workshop, from the first session to the final storytelling performance before an audience of over 100, and a final follow-up session where they voiced the ways in which they experienced positive transformation. Eva, Hayley and I discuss what makes a good TMI story, and why divulging the parts of our stories that we usually leave out — the parts we are usually too ashamed or embarrassed to share — and the parts others most want to hear, helps participants turn their pasts into testimonials of survival, dispelling old shame and inspiring others. As Eva says, “we can’t heal what we don’t talk about.” Our culture’s perception around mental illness is shifting. The #VicariousResilience initiative is hoping to facilitate a deeper shift in compassion and understanding, to eradicate stigma and raise awareness about the ways so many suffer, and suffer in silence, for too long. Discover how the ancient art of storytelling can help eradicate stigma, improve mental health and create a truly inclusive community. This is Vicarious Resilience.  Resources:  TMI Project Vicarious Resilience Film   Working With Rebecca: Rebecca’s integrative mastermind for therapists is now forming. It’s designed to help release blockages, cultivate your vision and tend to yourself and the relationships that support you. Our foci is on integrating your professional and personal parts in full support of you thriving in all aspects of your life, relationships and livelihood. All of these layers of you play together to either elevate you to the next level or hold you stuck in a loop of overwhelm and inaction.  We’re still accepting enrollment in our Wild Woman Discussion Groups that meet online the last Thursday of the month through September 2018. We’re journeying together in remembering who we are, what we are made of, and why we are here.   Learn more about working with Rebecca's 1-on-1 integration coaching at: practiceofbeingseen.com/integration-coaching Learn more about Rebecca’s relationship therapy practice and intensive couples retreat in NY go to connectfulness.com   For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com.

Deep down, don’t we all want to be seen? How do we put into practice seeing each other?  My guest today is Dara Hoffman-Fox, LPC and Gender Therapist. Dara loves to talk about the invisible spaces, and no issue brings that to light better than the expression of gender identity.  I’ve been wanting this conversation with Dara to happen for such a long time. Dara’s doing inspiring work as a Non-Binary Gender Therapist specializing in gender questioning, Non-Binary, and Transgender individuals. Dara has really found a niche in their work and it is ever evolving. Dara is on a mission not just to educate other therapists about the specific and often alienating issues these individuals face, but also to inspire a community of people who are practicing inclusive language and attitudes in every aspect of life.   Dara offers beautiful language to understand our social biases towards binary gender. Yes, there are more than two forms of sexual identity, and there’s also a wide world of gender expression. Along the way, Dara will share with us all the illustrative and beautiful moments where these issues have directly impacted Dara’s life. I’m excited to share these informational stories with my listeners. We have so much to learn from Dara’s experiences, from the visceral feeling of being misgendered and the universal longing to be seen accurately.     

I’m talking with Annie Schuessler, host of Therapist Clubhouse podcast, about how our motherhood journeys entwine with our work and how we impact our corners of the world. Annie helps private practice entrepreneurs build profitable and fulfilling businesses by leveraging their unique superpowers.  We’re discussing how we strive to stay present with our families, tend to and model self care, protect against burnout, find our rhythms, want to feel, craft our livelihoods, what we give energy to, and how we parent.  And we’re also opening up about our commitment as white mothers to biracial children: we’re listening more, witnessing more, sitting in spaces of not-knowing, pondering different flavors of discomfort, and above all staying engaged in the discussions about race and privilege. Bearing witness helps us discern where our voices are needed, when our voices distract, and notice how wisdom is being called forth. It’s a journey of discovering who we really are, and how we jazz things up when we remember to let ourselves shine through.  

If you’re like many modern women, you’ve learned to swallow your needs. Maybe you don’t even know what you need. Maybe it oozes out of you sideways in the form of anxiety.  In this episode Elizabeth (Biz) Cush, MA, LCPC, joins me to explore our relationships with anxiety and discomfort and how to tune into what you need even when it’s buried below the surface. As a trauma therapist in Annapolis, MD, Biz incorporates mindfulness and meditation into her psychotherapy work, her blogs and its the theme of her Woman Worriers Podcast.  We explore what drives anxiety to show up so loudly. As women, we have a tendency to set aside our own needs in service of others. In doing so perhaps we bypass an opportunity to know who we truly are. Biz shares how mindfulness and body experiences play into healing. And why slowing down is a necessary step in rebuilding a relationship with your anxiety and regaining your power.   Dive in with us and journey from feeling lost or unseen to uncovering your wants, needs and desires.   Full Show notes available at: practiceofbeingseen.com/episode/66

As we look into ourselves we seed the very transformations we desire to manifest in the world. So it’s worth noting, the deep work of healing our own wounds is often so ripe with potential to affect outward ripples of change. In this episode I’m talking with Dr. Carmen Roman a bilingual and bicultural psychotherapist with 25 years of experience working in both Mexico and in California. She combines both cultures and both worlds in the work and specializes in creative expression as a form of treatment for sexual abuse, trauma, and immigration related stress.    Carmen and I talk about the responsibility we all have to be present in the here and now. And how this responsibility, simply breaks down into: our ability to respond. This is self-leadership. This is liberation.  It’s integral that healers, caregivers and change-makers find and cultivate healing spaces for themselves. Too often, we struggle to allow ourselves the space to be held, to dive deeply into and liberate ourselves from the hard, murky, ugly stuff. Yet we all know our wounds are the places most in need of our tending, healing and love. These are our entry points.  Carmen invites us into her deep and personal journey, blending gestalt and transpersonal psychology she integrates spirituality, meditation and shamanic experiences. She shares that for her, it’s about the ability to stay in deep focus or concentration: in who she is and the impact her actions have on the world and herself.    This is a beautiful discussion of what stepping into self-leadership can look like. In sharing Carmen’s journey, we bring to light a collective inward journey for many healers. Permission to dive deep with us.  Full Show notes available at: practiceofbeingseen.com/episode/65  

Conversations around dismantling systemic racism are becoming increasingly urgent and persistent.  But for some of us, we can feel lost on how we can contribute, even when our intentions are good.  No one wants to do it wrong.  We are all needed in this movement nonetheless.  So, what does this mean for therapists, healers and change-makers?   We have to start by asking the question:  What needs dismantling within my own life and what needs expansion?   Does therapy look the same for all peoples? What is the difference between anti-racism and liberation psychology?  And what can we do to move through the discomfort that arises within discourse around race?  In this episode, I connect with Shawna Murray-Browne, LCSW-C, a liberation-focused psychotherapist and healer in Baltimore, Maryland. We discuss why we can’t continue to use the same concepts, practices, and applications for all. Shawna shares how we all have an opportunity to recognize the needs of brown and black persons inside and outside of the therapy space. We all have an opportunity to hold a healing space for those who have different experiences than we do. Together, we talk about the importance of honoring ancient wisdoms that have been repackaged and branded as “wellness” in the western world.  We ask the tough questions regarding trauma in black communities, how we can best be of service to the movement and the community, and in what ways we can move past common assumptions regarding black and brown  persons within the therapeutic space and beyond. Join us this week as Shawna shares her call to action.

Earlier in this season on the Practice of Being Seen, Molly Merson, MFT, and I initiated a discussion around the “American collective unconscious”.  It’s such a complex, layered subject. And though we covered quite a bit of ground in in that hour of conversation, there still is so much more to explore. And so many questions to open up to possibility.   Through this exploration of our collective unprocessed traumas and the deep healing we need, we’re really talking about witnessing in a collective experience in which we are all implicated.  How do we make space for more witnessing?  We also discuss responsibility and resilience, post-traumatic growth, and the Parkland shooting victims and activists.  We ask about the American Dream:  Who is dreaming it and who is it for?  We ask about the possibility of equality:  Can it ever be so?  When the urgency of fighting back and holding others accountable is so palpable and necessary, where is the space for hope, for dancing, for aliveness?   Ultimately, we are asking:  What is true?  What do we know for sure?   Quoted in the Episode:   “Whatever you touch, you change. And whatever you change, changes you.” -Octavia Butler, “Parable Of The Sower”   “We have to call upon our ancestors in some way to do some of this remembering.” Molly Merson    “It's not a reliance on an outside force or some kind of benevolent parent who knows the way. It's like something much more participatory and urgent.” Molly Merson   “We have to get into trouble because the truth is we're in trouble already.” Molly Merson   “I keep thinking about this bigger collective unconsciousness that is our country. We need a witness. We need many witnesses.”  Rebecca Wong   “I don't know about you, but I'm having fantasies and projections that we dismantle this whole thing and rebuild.” Rebecca Wong   Resources Referenced in this Episode: Parable of the Sower: Octavia Butler  Jessica Benjamin  The Catcher in the Rye  Viktor Frankl  Leonard Cohen Molly’s blog post, “The Necessary Precariousness of Hope” Molly’s blog post, “Resilience as ‘Hope with Teeth’ via Pussy Riot and ‘The Chi’”       Where to find Molly: mollymerson.com Twitter  LinkedIn Youtube Facebook   If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/ Support the #POBScast by joining our WILD WOMAN ONLINE DISCUSSION GROUP, learn more at: http://smpl.ro/wildwomen Join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook @POBScast If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com

The term “dissociation” can drum up quite a bit of fear in people.  Many will immediately think of what we used to call “multiple personalities disorder” and respond: “Hey, I’m not crazy!” But in truth, we all dissociate from time to time.     So what exactly is dissociation?  You might misplace your keys now and then or you might shut down in a heated argument with your partner, but how do we know if this is a disconnection from self?  From time and space?   It turns out, the clues are in our moments of calm, rather than the stressful ones.  Are we really experiencing calm?  Or, are we just checking out, numbing up?     This week’s guest, Stacey Steinmiller, LCSW-R, specializes in dissociation and is here to clarify the meaning of dissociation with a high level of compassion and nonjudgment.  She explains how dissociation starts as a useful coping mechanism to stress and trauma, when things start to go awry, how practicing both calm and pleasant emotions are the key to finding agency when confronted with negative emotions, and what EMDR’s got to do with it. Quoted in the Episode: “So much of this work about coming into one's identity is  understanding oneself.”  Rebecca Wong   ““It comes back to unlearning everything we're taught and re-learning who we are.”  Rebecca Wong   “We develop a false self to please the people around us, to fit in, to belong...then there's who we really are.” Rebecca Wong   “If you’re brought up in a household where there wasn't calm, you never learn how to be calm.” Stacey Steinmiller   “Once you're able to allow yourself to be in that positive feeling state, that gives you more agency to bring yourself from a negative feeling state to a positive feeling state.” Stacey Steinmiller   “Understand why you developed it, where it came from, what its purpose was. Understand that with compassion. And realize you don’t have to run that script anymore.” Stacey Steinmiller   "The treatment is learning how to be calm and tolerating being calm and, knowing nothing bad's going to happen if you allow yourself to be calm." Stacey Steinmiller   Resources Referenced in this Episode: ”Man's Search for Meaning” Viktor Frankl EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing)   Where to find Stacy: Authentic Self Counseling   If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/ Support the #POBScast by joining our WILD WOMAN ONLINE DISCUSSION GROUP, learn more at: http://smpl.ro/wildwomen Join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook @POBScast If you have questions or inquiries, email us atpracticeofbeingseen@gmail.com

How does neurodiversity ripple into all facets of our lives and society at large?  And when we talk about neurodiversity, are we all somewhere on the spectrum or is there a “normal”?  The truth is, there is no normal. And that must mean that there is no one way to learn, no one way to communicate, no one way to view or be in the world.  Neurodiversity--or, the natural variance in human genomes that result in a range of neurological conditions, from ADHD and autism to dyslexia and numerous others--surely must influence more than just childhood education.  In what ways does might it influence our relationships as adults?  And what might trauma’s role play in neurodiversity? This week’s guest, Larry Stein, calls those with neurological conditions “the most vulnerable of the vulnerable” and that even young children are aware of their difference from others.  Together, we discuss our personal experiences with learning disabilities, how learning disabilities shape self-esteem, the extensive effort that goes into assessment and why there are no longitudinal studies being done on those living with learning disabilities, and why integration is the key.     Resources Referenced in this Episode: Orton Gillingham Approach for reading interventions Eva Tenuto Practice of Being Seen Episode 10: Eva Tenuto: Where Storytelling Meets Activism   Where to find Larry: RedBankPsych.com   Larry’s Written Works: Why Your Child May Need an Independent Psychoeducational Evaluation  Five Reasons Why A School District’s Evaluation of Your Child May Be Insufficient  My Child Has Dyslexia. Now What?     If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/   Support the #POBScast by joining our WILD WOMAN ONLINE DISCUSSION GROUP, learn more at: http://smpl.ro/wildwomen Join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook @POBScast If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com

Modern motherhood can look like many different things, but there tends to be a few connective threads that aren’t often discussed. One is that modern moms from all walks of life are juggling a lot in their day-to-day. Another is that many of us aren’t prepared for the dramatic internal shifts that motherhood brings about.  

If you have ever aspired to step into a leadership role, or consider yourself a leader but want to do it better, you’re going to love this week’s conversation.  I’m speaking with Traci Ruble, a therapist, public speaker, and CEO of multiple projects.  We’re talking about redefining what leadership really means, how to truly listen, and why both are so important in human life.  Traci has such a unique process in getting onstage, from concept to delivery and post-review.  It’s all about giving yourself permission, working through the imposter syndrome, and noticing when you feel most embodied.     We also talk about the importance of relationships as leaders, with our tribes, our partners, and with those we lead and work with.  Traci has learned valuable ways of ensuring that she and others feel supported, to combat the loneliness as well as honor our existence.  Deep listening is a big piece of that, but I love the way that Traci redefines what listening really means.  This truly is the Practice of Being Seen. You can read the full show notes at www.practiceofbeingseen.com

Approximately 20% of the world’s population carries the Highly Sensitive personality trait.  That’s basically 1 in 5 people you’ll encounter on a given day.  You might be highly sensitive yourself.  But there’s quite a bit of stigma that comes along with the word “sensitive” and the term “Highly Sensitive Person” (HSP) is often misunderstood. Given that most therapists and healers are also HSPs and about 50% of their clientele are as well, it’s imperative that we demystify the gifts and challenges that Highly Sensitive People experience internally and put forth into the world.   As an HSP myself, I’m thrilled to be talking with April Snow, AMFT, a therapist who focuses on HSPs in her practice and runs an incredible online community for highly sensitive therapists.  The topic of high sensitivity is so big that it’s a real challenge to say it all in the span of a single episode. But, April and I really touch on a lot, from defining what the HSP trait really is and the gifts and challenges that come with it, the importance of processing time and radical self-acceptance, the challenges of parenting HSP children, to the differences between introverted and extroverted HSPs as well as the differences between extroverted HSPs and non-HSP extroverts.  We also dip a toe into the importance of letting the joy in and what that means to an HSP, the isolation and loneliness HSPs are prone to, and the hero/heroine’s journey that all HSPs need to step fully into themselves.  And, we discuss how embracing your highly sensitive nature completely alters the way you work and market yourself, allowing effort, hustle and selling yourself to fall away as your YOU-ness surfaces and resonates effortlessly.   I want to delve deeper into the topic of HSPs, but I would love to hear your questions about life and work as a HSP, and working with other HSPs.  You can submit your questions here: practiceofbeingseen.com/the-highly-sensitive-series-query   Quoted in the Episode: There’s this misperception that sensitivity is weakness.  But, actually, there’s a lot of strength there. Doesn’t it take bravery and strength to feel all those emotions? And to feel them so deeply, to go to those places within yourself?  That’s brave.  - April Snow   You see a lot of highly sensitive therapists questioning their ability to do the work long-term, which breaks my heart because it can be overwhelming without taking into account your temperament, carving time in for yourself during the day and making sure you get a good lunch, not overscheduling yourself and getting the right supports where they need to be.  Those are all really important so that you can allow these gifts to come forward.  - April Snow   I’m starting to see a pattern in these conversations where we get to a point where we identify yet another form of othering.  Another way that we’re separate or we’re different.  And then there’s this quest, this desire to belong and to reintegrate things, but integrate them from a place of holding ourselves in our differences and not dimming the light on those things.  Those things are what make us who we are.  - Rebecca Wong   What could we unlearn that is actually causing us to feel these things that are detrimental to our being?  - Rebecca Wong   Resources Referenced in this Episode: April’s Facebook group for Highly Sensitive Therapists Pioneer researcher of HSP personality trait, Elaine Aron, PhD.  April’s upcoming retreat for Highly Sensitive Therapists: HSTretreat.com   Where to find April Snow]: For support for HSP therapists: SensitiveTherapist.com For April’s private practice: ExpansiveHeart.com Sensitive Therapist Facebook Page Expansive Heart Facebook Page Twitter Instagram   If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can learn more about her services here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/   To join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com. To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com  

We often think fear is designed to keep us safe.  When you shift focus you may find it’s that very fear that keeps each of us from living out our dreams. Perhaps we misunderstand fear’s purpose and message. It’s uncomfortable to be in relationship with fear so we tend towards making choices that allow us to avoid fear altogether, that keep us safe (and playing small). The thing is, that our fears cloud our ability to enjoy the crap out of our lives. Fear and joy coexists simultaneously, constant companions.  We don’t eventually become unscared.  Instead, we learn to feel the fear and move forward anyway.   In this discussion, Lauree Ostrofsky and I reflect on the power in vulnerability, possibility and community—that sometimes, we just need someone to be the first to be vulnerable to give us permission to do the same.  We talk about laying groundwork for our dreams, seeding our visions, and about choosing our words and company wisely along the way.  And we discuss the importance in viewing joy and pleasure as a practice—in choosing to feel it ourselves, in seeking it out in others.  And, of course, we dive into the reality of fear as a guiding presence throughout our lives and how we keep it in its serviceable place. Quoted in the Episode: “What I learned from the brain tumor was that things are really scary and you don’t become unscared. You actually just deal with fear in a different way.”  - Lauree Ostrofsky   “If you’re not enjoying your life now, how will you ever enjoy it when you get the goal that you want to achieve? Enjoying your life is actually a muscle that you have to develop.”  - Lauree Ostrofsky   “If we can be present with the fear that’s in us, we can also be present with the joy.  Because it’s likely you have multiple feelings going on at the same time.”  - Lauree Ostrofsky   “Luckily that happened because, otherwise, I would still be in that marriage.  I would still be doing that job.  And I would know that I was unhappy, but it was definitely safer.  I was making all safe choices and I think I needed something big enough to wake myself up.” - Lauree Ostrofsky   “If we don’t feel that there’s other people with us, then part of the fear is that we are all alone.  So, this is beautiful because we’re really talking about how to make these leaps, how to reach our own audacious goals even when they’re intimidating.  And a lot of it has to do with being with ourselves and finding community that we can also be with.”  - Rebecca Wong   Resources Referenced in this Episode: Joseph Campbell’s quote, “If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.” IFS (Internal Family Systems) model of therapy   Where to find Lauree Ostrofsky: SimplyLeap.com Facebook Twitter Instagram   If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: 1. If you're in New York and would like to schedule a relationship therapy session start here: https://connectfulness.com/therapy/ 2. If you're a therapist and are interested in mentorship with Rebecca, find out more about services offered here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/ 3. To learn more about Rebecca’s Private Couples Intensive Retreats, start here: https://connectfulness.com/intensive-private-retreat/   Join our #POBScast Community on Facebook and find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook using the hashtag #POBScast.   If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com  

Couples come to therapy for a myriad of reasons. But often, the real reason why they’re showing up is the thing hidden underneath their reasons.  The solution is nearly always found in holding a magnifying lens up in those moments of conflict and, as this week’s guest Shake Birkel says, “owning our shit”. Suddenly, “Why is he/she doing this to me?” shifts into an opportunity to sit with our emotions and recalibrate our connections. Shane Birkel, a therapist and fellow podcaster, is no stranger to these magnifying glass moments.  Together, we discuss the ways raising kids can shift a relationship in positive ways, the lessons we get from failure, the differences in what men want in a relationship and what women want from the same, and the palpable ripple effects of the #metoo movement in our work with couples and intimacy. Quoted in the Episode: “We don’t have the conversations that come up in couples therapy in our day-to-day lives.  We have to be very intentional about setting up space for that.”  - Shane Birkel   “Couples put so much pressure on perfection and on not trying hard enough.  And such an important part of the work of owning your own stuff is also building a healthy self-esteem that comes from within you.  That I feel confident in myself as a human being, that my partner can act like a jerk and I know that it doesn’t have to do with me. They still love and care about me and we don’t have to do this perfectly every single time.” - Shane Birkel   “Vulnerability has such different meanings for men and women.  For women, it’s a connection point.  For men, it’s often veiled in fear and the possibility of rejection. And I think as we’re opening up these conversations and saying to couples, ‘The antidote here is to become more vulnerable’, we have to understand that the very prescription has different meanings for people who are enculturated in different ways.”  - Rebecca Wong     Resources Referenced in this Episode: Terry Real’s RLT Training   Where to find Shane: ShaneBirkel.com CouplesTherapistCouch.com Facebook Page Facebook Group     If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: 1. If you're in New York and would like to schedule a relationship therapy session start here: https://connectfulness.com/therapy/ 2. If you're a therapist and are interested in mentorship with Rebecca, find out more about services offered here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/ 3. To learn more about Rebecca’s Private Couples Intensive Retreats, start here: https://connectfulness.com/intensive-private-retreat/   To join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com. To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com  

Sex is a difficult topic for most of us to discuss.  What we like, what we don’t like, where the edges of our boundaries are, what is normal and what isn’t, what our children need to know and when… And yet, it is such an all-encompassing thing in what it means to be human, it has roots and ties in nearly every facet of our existence.  Ultimately, what we all secretly want to know is, “Am I normal?” Our fears, discomfort and shame around sex aren’t entirely our faults.  Had we all been raised receiving different messages around sex, we’d be having very different conversations today than we are now.  And yet, here we are, trying our best to navigate a landscape rife with the ripples of Harvey Weinstein and Aziz Ansari, #metoo testimonials, rape culture, sexual harassment scandals, consent and victim blaming.  It’s no wonder we struggle to know how to educate our own children about sex or quietly tolerate discontentment and shame in our own bedrooms.  This week, Rebecca talks with sex therapist, Megan Torrey-Payne to make sense of how we got here and how we can shift the conversation to move forward.  And it all comes down to a willingness to have uncomfortable conversations and to be OK in the grey.   Quoted in the Episode: “We need to remind ourselves it’s OK to be uncomfortable.  I don’t need to have all the answers.  And it’s OK to give mixed messages.”   - Megan Torrey-Payne   “If we teach kids that sex should feel good, then they will have more of a voice to say ‘you know what, this doesn't feel good. This doesn’t feel right.’  But we teach kids that sex is just something you do. Then, when they find themselves in situations that are not pleasurable, they say ‘well, maybe this is just the way it is.‘“  - Megan Torrey-Payne   “I wonder what would happen if we all gave ourselves permission to become aware of those internal compasses about what fits and what doesn't. Maybe this binary scale doesn't work for any of us.”  - Rebecca Wong   Resources Referenced in this Episode: Megan’s Resources page featuring recommended books and websites for adults and children.   Where to find Megan: www.MeganTorreyPayne.com Facebook   If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: 1. If you're in New York and would like to schedule a relationship therapy session start here: https://connectfulness.com/therapy/ 2. If you're a therapist and are interested in mentorship with Rebecca, find out more about services offered here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/ 3. To learn more about Rebecca’s Private Couples Intensive Retreats, start here: https://connectfulness.com/intensive-private-retreat/ 4. And if you want to dive in deeply into building conscious relationship with your beloved consider sharing an experiential gift of deeper connection and intimacy over valentines in our Divine Mirrors: A Valentine’s Couples Retreat Rebecca is co-facilitating at Menla.     To join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com. To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com  

What could you accomplish with your clients in just one weekend?  This week’s guest, Adam Smithey, dares us to dream “outside the box” into what is possible: how we can make the most impact, what our clients are really asking us for, and how we can better integrate our work into our everyday lives.  For him, that means being a stay-at-home dad during the week and running couples intensives on the weekends.  Adam finds that he is able to complete six months of work with his couples in just two days. In this episode, Adam tells Rebecca how he came to develop his unique practice structure and style, learning from his mistakes as he went.  He discusses how this integration with the demands of his home life with the dreams of his professional life has improved his marriage and allowed him to mentor other therapists who want to do clinical work differently.  Learn how he ebbs and flows through imposter syndrome, how he structures his intensives and refines his process as he goes, and why he thinks every therapist should leap into unchartered territory when they feel the call.   Quoted in the Episode: “Some of my best learning has come out of the pivots I’ve made falling on my face.  And, you know, as a parent, I know that’s how my children learn too.  It’s just human nature, not by doing things right all the time.  Failure is a piece of the game.”  - Rebecca Wong   “Like most things in life, perception is cyclical--not really linear.  In any given day, I feel on top of the world.  In any given moment, I’m thrust back down into reality where I feel like I don’t know anything.  It’s very real.”  - Adam Smithey   What’s the worst that could happen?  Well, if it’s not the end of the world, then it’s still worthy of trying.”  - Adam Smithey   Resources Referenced in this Episode: The Gottman Institute Terry Real Bloom’s Taxonomy of Learning   Where to find Adam: www.smitheycounseling.com   If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: 1. If you're in New York and would like to schedule a relationship therapy session start here: https://connectfulness.com/therapy/ 2. If you're a therapist and are interested in mentorship with Rebecca, find out more about services offered here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/ 3. To learn more about Rebecca’s Private Couples Intensive Retreats, start here: https://connectfulness.com/intensive-private-retreat/ 4. And if you want to dive in deeply into building conscious relationship with your beloved consider sharing an experiential gift of deeper connection and intimacy over valentines in our Divine Mirrors: A Valentine’s Couples Retreat Rebecca is co-facilitating at Menla.     To join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com. To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com  

“Our thoughts create our suffering” is not an uncommon idea.  But what does that really mean for our relationships, our past traumas, or the present realities?  In this episode, Rebecca talks with Tom Murray, a sex and couples therapist in Greensboro, NC, about the significance of the present moment, and what it proves about truth and endurance. Tom tells Rebecca about his “carefrontational” approach with clients and how he helps them to see where they’re creating their own suffering.  They discuss the difference between post-traumatic stress and post-traumatic growth, moving with the flow of life versus living in resistance, how our realities disprove the messaging of our default consciousness, and the differences between intimacy and closeness.  Tom and Rebecca exchange thoughts on selficide, monogamy, and the only deep knowing we can ever really have.   Quoted in the Episode: The truth always feels light, without exception.  What we get mixed up on is believing that perfect always feels good.  Perfect doesn’t always feel good.  - Tom Murray I also have to appreciate that my partner’s ability to say No is what gives the Yes it’s meaning.  - Tom Murray This is the mirroring.  It’s not so much that our partners share something about themselves and we share something back about ourselves, but it’s that in the context of the relationship, I learn about me.  - Rebecca Wong    Resources Referenced in this Episode: Byron Katie Esther Perel  University of North Carolina, Charlotte on post-traumatic growth Book: The Art of Intimacy by Thomas Patrick Malone  Jack Moran   Where to find Dr Tom Murray: www.drtommurray.com  Facebook   If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: 1. If you're in New York and would like to schedule a relationship therapy session start here: https://connectfulness.com/therapy/ 2. If you're a therapist and are interested in mentorship with Rebecca, find out more about services offered here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/ 3. To learn more about Rebecca’s Private Couples Intensive Retreats, start here: https://connectfulness.com/intensive-private-retreat/ 4. And if you want to dive in deeply into building conscious relationship with your beloved consider sharing an experiential gift of deeper connection and intimacy over valentines in our Divine Mirrors: A Valentine’s Couples Retreat Rebecca is co-facilitating at Menla.     To join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com. To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com        

When we are working to make a positive impact in a community, who is being left out of the conversation?  Who isn’t being seen?  Empathy starts with relationships and the mirrors those relationships hold up for us.  When we are interested in joining in the conversation of diversity and inclusivity, it can be challenging to know where to start, how to jump in, or who to ask for support. It feels scary.  No one wants to do it wrong.  But what relational work teaches us is that by looking at ourselves, with curiosity and self-compassion, we begin to expand our understanding and move out of our stuckness. Natalie Overton, educator, cultural competency coach for teachers, yoga instructor, and founder of OmmGirls, is my guest this week.  Together, we talk about why it is so important for helpers to receive help, ways to learn from people of color with humility rather than privilege, honing empathy as a skill, the possibility in agape love, the importance of self-care and self-reflection in the work of cultural competency and social justice, and expanding our ideas of privilege.  Natalie also talks me through a really effective mindfulness meditation technique for letting go that you can start using right away.   Resources Referenced in this Episode: Book: Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? And Other Conversations about Race by Beverly Daniel Tatum, PhD Book: The Indigo Children: The New Kids Have Arrived by Lee Carroll and Jan Tober “What’s your American Dream Score?” Quiz on PBS.org   Where to find Natalie Overton: Ommgirls.com Facebook Instagram   If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: 1. If you're in New York and would like to schedule a relationship therapy session start here: https://connectfulness.com/therapy/ 2. If you're a therapist and are interested in mentorship with Rebecca, find out more about services offered here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/ 3. To learn more about Rebecca’s Private Couples Intensive Retreats, start here: https://connectfulness.com/intensive-private-retreat/ 4. And if you want to dive in deeply into building conscious relationship with your beloved consider sharing an experiential gift of deeper connection and intimacy over valentines in our Divine Mirrors: A Valentine’s Couples Retreat Rebecca is co-facilitating at Menla.     To join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com. To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com  

This conversation undulates between the current state and issues within our collective consciousness as Americans living in today’s social and political climate to the individual in how we deal with self-reflection, trauma, and loss--beautifully illustrating the now proverbial rally cry, “The personal is political.” Rebecca and Berkeley-based therapist Molly Merson, MFT cover it all, from our political “parents” to our collective infancy on the internet, to grief and loss and metabolizing trauma, capitalism and gift-giving culture, community mindset and collaboration, to technology, parenting, psychoanalytic theory, and the choices we have in suicide versus end-of-life.  It all comes down to what we are able to hold and how two minds metabolizing together can disrupt repeat patterns.  Trigger Warning: If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States at 1-800-273-8255 Molly also wrote a follow up blog post since we recorded to fill in some blanks, it's well worth a read and available at mollymerson.com/blog/problems-of-suicide-freud.   Resources Referenced in this Episode: Podcast: On Being episode “Growing Up the Internet” Wilfred Bion’s ideas on alpha and beta elements in projective identification Thomas Ogden’s ideas on parent/child relationships and the processing of trauma Podcast: How to Survive the End of the World Co-founders of Black Lives Matter, Alicia Garza (activist, writer, public speaker) and Patrisse Cullors (artist and activist) Howard Thurman’s quote, “Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Book: Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl   Where to find Molly: MollyMerson.com Facebook Twitter   If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: 1. If you're in New York and would like to schedule a relationship therapy session with Rebecca start here: https://connectfulness.com/therapy/ 2. If you're a therapist and are interested in mentorship with Rebecca, find out more about services offered here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/ 3. To learn more about Rebecca’s Private Couples Intensive Retreats, start here: https://connectfulness.com/intensive-private-retreat/ 4. And if you want to dive in deeply into building conscious relationship with your beloved consider sharing an experiential gift of deeper connection and intimacy over valentines in our Divine Mirrors: A Valentine’s Couples Retreat Rebecca is co-facilitating at Menla.   To join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com. To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com  

In our ever increasingly more technology-driven world, it is becoming even more imperative that we drop down into our physical bodies to understand what we feel and notice how it shows up for us in our bodies.  There is so much information to be had in our sensory and intuitive experiences, if we’ll only take the time to notice it.  And this information can show us not only how we react or respond to others, but also how we can shift cultural paradigms. So, it is only fitting that this week’s guest, Benjamin Reisterer, created a remarkably simple, convenient smartphone app called MetaFi, which guides users through noticing what emotions they feel, where they physically feel it in the body and the story around the emotions in three quick steps, so that users can begin to notice patterns in their emotions and physical responses and consciously disrupt those patterns with newer, healthier habits.  In our conversation, Benjamin and I talk about how app users can use what they learn to make changes, the neurobiology influencing the relational, and what happens when we shift from an I-It relationship and an I-Thou relationship. Resources Referenced in this Episode: Why Therapy Works by Louis Cozolino The Healing Power of Emotion: Affective Neuroscience, Development & Clinical Practice by Diana Fosha PhD,‎ Daniel J. Siegel M.D., and‎ Marion Solomon Ph.D. The Transforming Power of Affect: A Model for Accelerated Change by Diana Fosha PhD  Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) I and Thou by Martin Buber   Where to find Benjamin Reisterer: MetaFi.me and MindfulCounselingGR.com Facebook: MetaFi and MindfulCounselingGR Instagram: MetaFi and MindfulCounselingGR   If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: 1. If you're in New York and would like to schedule a relationship therapy session start here: https://connectfulness.com/therapy/ 2. If you're a therapist and are interested in mentorship with Rebecca, find out more about services offered here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/ 3. To learn more about Rebecca’s Private Couples Intensive Retreats, start here: https://connectfulness.com/intensive-private-retreat/ 4. And if you want to dive in deeply into building conscious relationship with your beloved consider sharing an experiential gift of deeper connection and intimacy over valentines in our Divine Mirrors: A Valentine’s Couples Retreat Rebecca is co-facilitating at Menla.     To join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com. To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com  

The Practice of Being Seen podcast offers a collection of curated discussions to therapists and anyone interested in deep restorative transformation, through relationship. Relationship Therapist and host, Rebecca Wong, believes that when you truly see yourself you create a ripple effect that allows you to be the change you wish to see in the world -- and that invites everyone around you to do the same. This is the basis of her signature method, Connectfulness®. On this special holiday episode, Rebecca muses about Relationship Rumblestrips. These are reminders that help you come back into consciousness in your relationships, that cock you alert and help you show up as your highest self, the self that you are choosing to be, rather than the false self you had to become to survive. This is the work of Connectfulness - it’s the space between. When you slow down and notice your mode of reacting to these rumblestrip moments they become accessible growth portals that can transform the way you show up for yourself and experience relationships.   Quoted in this episode: “If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” Ram Dass “Between stimulus and response there is a space.  In that space is our power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Viktor Frankl   If you're interested in working with Rebecca Wong, you can find out more about her services here: 1. If you're in New York and would like to schedule a relationship therapy session start here: https://connectfulness.com/therapy/ 2. If you're a therapist and are interested in mentorship with Rebecca, find out more about services offered here: https://www.practiceofbeingseen.com/work-with-rebecca/ 3. To learn more about Rebecca’s Private Couples Intensive Retreats, start here: https://connectfulness.com/intensive-private-retreat/ 4. And if you want to dive in deeply into building conscious relationship with your beloved consider sharing an experiential gift of deeper connection and intimacy over valentines in our Divine Mirrors: A Valentine’s Couples Retreat Rebecca is co-facilitating at Menla.   To join the #POBScast Community practiceofbeingseen.com/community For more information and resources, visit the website at practiceofbeingseen.com. To join the conversation on social media, use the hashtag #POBScast. You can find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. If you have questions or inquiries, email us at practiceofbeingseen@gmail.com

What would happen if you integrated themes from humanistic, existential, and attachment theory with the flavor of Zen Buddhism?  You might have something like this week’s guest Laura Carr’s therapeutic method: Compassion-Based Awareness Therapy.     As much as our culture loves a quick fix 12-step program, there are no quick pathways to behavior change.  In fact, behavior is typically the last thing to change.  But there are many opportunities along the way to dial into what we feel, allow ourselves to be seen, and make space for our responses.  And Laura Carr knows this as well as anyone.  By developing Compassion-Based Awareness Therapy, she has seen the profound transformations that can take shape when we are willing to pay attention to our pain and our guilt.   In this conversation, Laura and I discuss:   What Compassion-Based Awareness Therapy is and how Laura uses it in her work with couples. Why our typical view of compassion is inaccurate and what compassion really means. The differences between guilt and shame, and when they are helpful or unhelpful. What happens when we blame or are blamed while being disconnected from our bodies. The importance of being willing to sit with our own pain and discomfort and what that offers us. Taking 100% responsibility for our behavior and our relationships, and why there’s no such thing as 60/40, 70/30, 50/50. How we can determine whether our values and our habits are ones that were inscribed for us or whether they are ones that we believe in. Why the validation of being seen isn’t enough to transform us. Why seeking truth is problematic, the difference between being with the content and being with the emotion, and why going on “autopilot” makes pain seem easier to manage. How to know whether sitting with our emotions is creating more suffering or is a path to freedom. How slowing down and grounding creates spaciousness when we feel resistance. Why, for all our inner work and processing, behavior is the last thing to change. The difference between anger that is violent and anger that is productive, and teaching our children not to fear anger.     You can find Laura Carr online at cfmrsandiego.com      Referenced in this Episode:   Cheri Huber, Laura’s Zen teacher and author John Bradshaw’s work on shame Terry Real’s work on grandiosity and guilt Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning Harville Hendrix and IMAGO Relationship Theory & Therapy Plus, get a copy of Rebecca’s handout she mentions in the show here.         Have feedback to share?  We love hearing what our listeners think about the conversations we’re having here on the #POBScast.  Send us your feedback and suggestions here.  

If you were to ask a room full of people whether or not they’ve ever cheated on a partner or have been cheated on by a partner, you’d likely get every single person to say “yes” to one or the other, if not both.  Affairs are such a common thing in intimate relationships.  And, so profoundly painful--certainly for the partner who was betrayed by the affair, but also, according to this week’s guest Beth Luwandi Lofstrom, for the offender.   When we cheat, it has a way of really getting at the core of who we are.  We think we know ourselves and where our boundaries lie, but this thing we never thought we’d do has us questioning everything.  Often, by the end of it, we just want peace.     Beth Luwandi Lofstrom has developed her own theory and methodology for working with couples who have experienced an affair and it may go against the usual grain.  As therapists, we of course come into the room with our own biases about infidelity.  Those biases don’t often tend toward understanding of the offender.  And according to Beth, therapists are often focusing on the wrong things in our work with couples working through infidelity.   In this episode, we discuss:   The problem with our usual labels for the person who has the affair in a relationship and what Beth prefers to call them. Why it’s so important that the offending partner is healed properly and why integration doesn’t go deep enough. Why ‘Why’ is the wrong question to work through in the clinical space and what we should ask instead. Beth’s theory, Whole Human Theory, what it means, and how it informs the work she does with couples. Why the mind-body connection is lacking and how it leaves one third of the population out of the conversation. The Gentle Benevolent Observer as the highest part of a person, what it is and why it is often underdeveloped. The differences between good couples counseling and poor couples counseling. Beth’s upcoming book, who it’s for and what it intends to do. Whether humans truly are not wired for monogamy and how Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love applies to this question. The role of “the snake” in the Gentle Benevolent Observer’s existence. Referenced in this episode: Enneagram Personality Typology [Graphic depicting Holistic Human Parts Theory:]     Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love You can find Beth Luwandi Lofstrom online at BethLuwandi.com. And Beth's new book After the Affair; Healing for the offender will be available later this month; you can find it on her new site wholehumantheory.com. You can also connect with Beth on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Are you a part of the #POBScast Community?  If not, join us.  Let’s continue the conversation about this and other favorite episodes there.   If you’re looking for a unique, experiential gift to give your partner this holiday season, consider this upcoming Valentine’s Retreat I’m co-leading at Menla Mountain Resort.

What if who we are in the bedroom is who we are in life?  If we are sensual beings experiencing the world through physical bodies, then what can our inner knowing and intuition tell us about safety and risk--both in sex and in life?  How do we create intimacy and can we relocate our innocence?  And what does it mean if we spend most of our lives at odds with our bodies, when so much of our inner knowing is wrapped up in our becoming attuned to our bodies and sensual experiences?   For writer, performer and coach, Monica Day, sex is just a piece of the sexuality continuum, but so much of who we are and what we pay attention to plays out in our sex.  In her new book, Play Wild, Stay Safe: The Guide to Giving & Receiving, she discusses safety and risk in our relationships as a foundational introduction to deeper conversations about sex, sensuality, consent and safety and beyond.  And through these conversations, we are able to access clarity around not just sexual mastery, but also power dynamics, healing from trauma, authenticity and so much more.     I’m thrilled to have Monica with me on episode 45 of the Practice of Being Seen podcast.  Together, we discuss:   Straddling the duality of “the domestic and the erotic” The importance of communication in sex, and the two components of communicating about sex that we are often not taught The difference between communication and transmission Why every experience is a sensual experience and why we spend most of our lives at odds with that experience The one question everybody wants to know about their sex lives, and what our sex tells us about how we are in every other part of our lives Why we need safety in order to take risks How safety is created, discovered or redefined, and why it’s ultimately about belonging Why being told we are safe isn’t good enough and how attuning to our bodily “source code” recalibrates us to be able to identify true safety Intimacy as an outgrowth of sharing, cultivating curiosity about yourself and your partner, and the relationship killer that we often do in order to protect monogamy Why we need polarities and tension in our relationships The problem with our idea of balance and why A+B doesn’t always equal C in the bedroom The risks involved in both giving and receiving and why it might be more powerful to think in terms of surrender and creation The one major detail we are often not conscious of during sex that, in most any other circumstance in life, would not work out so well. Why being a “sacred witness” feels so confronting to most people and how that relates to the innocence we still have Moving past sexual trauma, the point at which we overvalue safety, and the difference between sexual mastery and repression Discerning between predatory behavior and the “muddy middle”, why we’re so confused about it all in this current moment of Weinstein scandal and #metoo, and what can follow after this cleansing stage in our culture.   Referenced in this episode: Monica Day’s new book, Play Wild, Stay Safe: The Guide to Giving & Receiving Esther Perel’s concept of “The Domestic & The Erotic”   You can find Monica Day online at MonicaDay.com.     Are you loving listening to the Practice of Being Seen podcast?  You can buy us a cup of coffee so we can continue shining more light on topics that matter.   Oh, and note your calendars, Rebecca will be co-leading a fabulous 5 day retreat at Menla for couples this Valentine’s week, details available here.  

Sex is a richly complex part of being human and there’s no one way to experience it.  It can be a catalyst for spiritual connection or a source of deep trauma.  It thrives on play.  It emphasizes pleasure for pleasure’s sake.  It enacts politics and power plays.  It insists on respect and permission.  And, in our culture, it is tightly bound to shame.      This week’s guest is Cyndi Darnell, one of Australia’s leading sex and relationship therapists, and she asks us to consider what would change if we acknowledged that we do in fact have bodies, without which we cannot experience the world.  She wants us to know that it is safe to talk about our bodies, our experiences, our desires.  In fact, she invites us to consider how radically different our world could be if we were more comfortable talking about sex.  How would this change your relationship with yourself or your partner?  How would it change how we raise our children?  How would it change the status quo?   The beginnings of sex therapy as a field, sensate focus and mindfulness with a “small m”. Sexuality as a complex intersection of the many facets of the human experience, but with emphasis on radical acceptance of our bodies. Creativity and limitations as opportunity for sexual and pleasure expansion. The reductive and detrimental effects of typical sexual education, how it affects us even many years later, and how we can do differently in educating our kids. The benefits and limitations to applying mindfulness principles to somatic exploration, and ways that tantra can pick up where mindfulness leaves off. Prioritizing touch as both the giver and receiver, and the transformational power in realizing we have agency in both contexts. Three simple ways to activate the parasympathetic nervous system to clear the pathway to pleasure. The differences between surrender and submission, and the role of permission in both. The sexual politics and power dynamics that exist in every relationship, whether we choose to see it or not--and how power plays out when we refuse to see it. What therapists can do and shouldn’t do if they are uncomfortable with dealing with sex issues in the clinical space.   Referenced in this episode: Cyndi’s sex education video series for adults, The Atlas of Erotic Anatomy and Arousal The Omega Institute in New York, where Cyndi occasionally leads workshops.   You can connect with Cyndi Darnell at CyndiDarnell.com, and follow her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.   Are you loving listening to the Practice of Being Seen podcast?  You can tell us what you want more of on our Feedback page, leave us a review on your favorite podcast app, or just buy us a cup of coffee so we can continue shining more light on topics that matter.   Oh, and note your calendars, Rebecca will be co-leading a fabulous 5 day retreat at Menla for couples this Valentine’s week, details available here.  

In a field where, more often than not, women tend to be the ones more often drawn to our therapy practices, working with male clients in a therapy practice can pose unique challenges.  Men generally aren’t equipped to talk about their feelings in the same ways that women are and they can often feel like their sense of self is under attack while under the clinical microscope. Today’s guest, John Harrison, knows quite a bit about this as a certified Relational Life Therapist, a facilitator for men’s therapy groups, an Army veteran, husband and father.  And, he has found interesting ways to break down those barriers with men in his practice by inviting his own personal experiences into the room with his clients.   John says that “we can’t teach couples to be appropriately relational if we don’t relate appropriately with them.”  This, and more wisdom in Episode 43 of the #POBScast.   In this episode, John and I discuss:   Why men feel threatened by the pressure of transformation in therapy. The differences in the ways men and women are acculturated and the ways that affects how therapists need to relate to them in the clinical space. The impossible standard that modern marriage presents us with and the risk of relationship burnout. John’s “Water on the Sink” story, how it changed his marriage, and how he uses this personal story as a relational anecdote for his male clients for his clients to make changes. Using relational work versus evidence-based work, and striking a balance between using academic principles and speaking our truth as humans with our clients. Sitting with our feelings when our clients trigger us and how we can use these moments to better understand what our clients are going through. Moving past client distrust and displays of power in the clinical space. Male experiences of their own feminine energy, feminine energy as the oil that runs therapy, and how John fosters the feminine energy in men. What John has learned by running men’s therapy groups. John’s desire to simultaneously ramp up and scale down in his business and what that looks like for him. The draw of “abundance” over doing all the things and trusting the process to avoid burnout in striving toward your business goals. The importance of creating space for systems and processes that work for you.   Referenced in the episode: Esther Perel’s work on relationships, sexuality and desire. Terry Real’s book, I Don’t Want to Talk About It and his RLT Trainings for therapists. Connect with John Harrison at LifeMadeConscious.com, where you’ll also find links to his podcast, True Calling Project. Are you being called toward abundance in your work and your life?  The Connectfulness® Method Mentorship Program is designed to make space for abundance through sustainability, integration, sitting with fears and building community.  Doors are open for a few more days before we embark on this journey on 11/27, so if you’re curious to learn more, let’s book a chat together.    

Money as a conversation piece is as taboo as sex.  It’s as difficult to discuss as racism.  We simply just don’t go there very well.  And, it’s not really our fault.  We generally aren’t taught how to have a healthy relationship with money. We don’t have good (or any) mentorship around it in our careers and we certainly don’t bring money into conversations within the clinical space.  There’s something about money that brings up all the shame and fear.  And yet, it is as necessary to our modern day survival as water and shelter.   So, why is it so hard to go there?  And how are we held back or not showing up as our full selves when we don’t acknowledge money’s role in our lives and confront the fears that come with it?  Can we sit with our narratives and determine whether they’re serving us?  Can we accept others’ feelings toward us when we succeed or fail?     These are all the things we’re leaning into today on Episode 42 on the #POBScast, as I chat with Tiffany McLain of HeyTiffany.com.  In addition to her therapy private practice, she helps other therapists work through their money scripts and fears to reach or exceed their measures of success, while also highlighting that dealing with our inner and outward money stuff is a measure of our own personal growth.   In this episode, we talk about:   Narratives and experiences around using sliding scale fees, and how sliding scales can change the dynamics and power differentials in the therapy room. When we or our clients feel that we have to perform to someone else’s expectation or the ways that we may feel we’ve underperformed as a result of insufficient boundaries or conversations around money. How the conversation of sliding scales and power dynamics invites us to talk about privilege, poverty, insecurity, not-enoughness, and our good feelings around helping. The dichotomy of differentiating between your worth and the value of the work, while also acknowledging that it is your humanity that you also bring into the room with you. The importance of surrounding yourself with people that support your financial growth, rather than reinforce your shame stories. The unique challenges of the upwardly-mobile. Being bold in our work and fee structure, but also boldly open to feedback and the things we need to learn. Money as energy, as well as money affecting energetic demands on us. Giving back without sacrificing our livelihoods as professional helpers. Comparisonitis, and whether or not to be transparent with others about our money goals. The repercussions of our success and tolerating others’ feelings toward us. Financial growth as a measure of our own personal growth, as we deal with the questions and emotions that get stirred up with it.   Find Tiffany McLain online at HeyTiffany.com, and be sure to sign up for her Therapist’s Guide to Raising Fees (Guilt-Free) freebie. When we create more space (financially-based or otherwise) in our businesses, we are able to take better care of ourselves.  If this is something you’re interested in diving deeper into, I invite you to consider joining me for my inaugural Connectfulness Method Mentorship Program.  And, full disclosure:  I’ve decided to eliminate the time-sensitive Early Bird pricing and simply make the Early Bird rate the official package rate.  Because faux urgency feels manipulative to me and this price feels nourishing.

I've had some realizations about my mentorship program that I wanted to share with you. I may not be doing what is recommended, but I am doing what feels right for me. I hope you will also give yourself permission to also do what feels right for you. Learn more about and join the Connectfulness® Method Mentorship Program here. 

When we first start out in private practice, when we launch that new offering--anytime we do something new--uncertainty always plays a role.  We prepare and plan as much as we can, of course, but the real clarity comes from doing.  Still, that doesn’t stop the fears, the risk of failure, the shame feelings from presenting themselves, does it?     Laura Long, LMFT wants us all to undo all of those fears by unleashing our inner badass.  Today she chats with me about how her coaching business, Your Badass Therapy Practice, came to be.  She talks about the power in making your own rules, how she strikes a balance with her home and work life, and the unanticipated gifts she’s found in doing brave things.   In this episode, we talk about:   Fraud feelings, grandiosity, and the one thing that neutralizes them both. How Laura’s inner “Bitchy Brenda” protects and inhibits her, and how she puts her in her place when it’s time to move forward. Using evidence and logic to undo fear and reframe failure. Why therapists are drawn to other therapists in friendships and community. Failure and balance in motherhood. Compartmentalizing time and attention as working mothers and the idea of “wearing many hats” as moms. Why therapist moms might have it the roughest when it comes to attention and self shaming. What happened when Laura’s blog post about about therapist moms went viral and why she felt compelled to write the piece in the first place. The unexpected relational magic that comes from doing, from planning and creating your next offering and putting it out into the world. Referenced in this Episode: Laura’s viral blog post about therapists and motherhood.   You can learn more about Laura Long and the work she does at YourBadassTherapyPractice.com, where you can sign up for her free 5-day Psychology Today profile course, get on the waitlist for her 60 Days to Your Badass Therapy Practice course, and catch up on all her blogs.  Connect with Laura on Facebook at www.facebook.com/yourbadasstherapypractice. Looking for more evolution in your life and therapy practice, in both planned and unpredictable ways?  Doors for the Connectfulness® Method Mentorship Program are open, and you can still get in on the early bird pricing. Spots are limited, so don’t wait.  Learn more here.

What is your relationship to self-care?  Self-care is quite the buzzword these days, both within our chosen field of work but also in mainstream media and culture.   As therapists, we know it is a vital part of our practices to avoid burnout, compassion fatigue, and vicarious traumatization.  In other words, it helps us to do the work better, to show up more fully for our clients and for our families outside of work.  But, for all we know about self-care, and for all the tips and tricks available to us, many of us still struggle to feel like we are doing much better than running on empty.  Often times, we feel we are just maintaining, rather than thriving.   Why is that?  You could say that Dr. Matt Hersh knows a thing or two about this, and today, he’s sharing his thoughts with me on the #POBScast.     Dr. Matt Hersh is a psychotherapist, mindfulness meditation teacher, and heart-centered entrepreneur.   He is the founder of The Thriving Therapist, which aims to help therapists and healers provide the same care for themselves as they do for their clients.     In this episode, Matt and I discuss: How we create sustainability in our self-care, the “over-striving for ease” paradox, and how to do it differently. Self-care a part of who we are or what we do, rather than another to-do, and how to tell the difference. What our deeper values tell us about the self-care we really need. The personal truths informing our self-care needs, the underlying universal needs contained within, and why they’re important.   The discovery pathway for sustainable self-care, on both intellectual and somatic levels. Matt’s personal story, in which a life-altering situation imposed an urgent and consuming need for self-care without the seed of sustainability, and how a fear-based relationship with self-care gave him insight into what most self-care practices are missing. Finding ease as meaning-making beings and choosing the “Or…”. Energy Psychology and what ease and being “in flow” really mean in mental, physical and energetic terms.   Mentioned in this episode:   Matt’s recent live-feed lecture "Psychotherapists and Our Self-evolutionary Path to Sustainable Well-being".   Matt Hersh references Nick Ortner’s work with EFT Tapping.    Connect with Matt Hersh online TheThrivingTherapist.org.   If you are a therapist or healer who is looking for more support, accountability and community, to move through your fears and implement better habits, so that you can be held in your vulnerability while you vision and take action toward your more integrated, sustainable and fulfilling practice, consider joining the inaugural Connectfulness® Method Mentorship Program.   

People of color--black women in particular--have always been an underserved population when it comes to therapy.  Though there are many factors, one important one that we therapists can work on changing is a matter of trust and safety.  A lot of black women want a black therapist because of fear of being misunderstood by a therapist who can’t relate to (or worse, disbelieves) their experiences.  In this present social climate, this is a conversation we all need to have with ourselves and our colleagues.  It starts with seeing ourselves.   This is what Dr. Joy Harden Bradford and I are talking about in episode 39 of the #POBScast.  Dr. Joy Harden Bradford is a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia.  She is the host of the podcast, Therapy for Black Girls and saw a need for a Therapist Directory for therapists of color for clients of color, so she took the initiative to create one. She talks about following her heart in her work, our need to curate the media we consume, how to be better allies, and what she’s got percolating for future projects.   What “cultural competency” means and why our clients need us to demonstrate it.   Ways that both therapists and clients can begin taking steps toward improving cultural competency in the therapeutic space. Power differentials in the therapy room. Importance of trust in the therapeutic relationship and opening a door into the conversation of difference and allowing the client to choose whether they want to enter.  Being in flow in your work by doing the things that matter to you, being of service. Being intentional with the platforms we have and showing up for the communities that need us even when we feel like we just can’t show up as fully as is expected of us. Our urgent need for safety in these disruptive times of social and environmental turmoil and adjoining together in that truth. The media as an “assault to our psyches”, filtering as self-care, and when and how to not just filter what we consume, but also curate it. The conversation we really need to be having first in order to make progress on issues like gun control, which we as a culture feel more apt to debate. Why the problem isn’t in that we aren’t aware of our own biases, but in our insistence that, because we don’t see something, it doesn’t exist...and what we should do instead. Taking a knee, splitting, and the “right way” to speak up. What allyship really means and what we all can do right now for minorities and people of color.     Referenced in the episode: Robin DiAngelo’s work on white privilege. And, the “lady with glasses” mentioned is Jane Elliott. (You’ve likely seen her videos on social media before.)   You can find Dr. Joy Harden Bradford and her therapist directory online at TherapyforBlackGirls.com.  Check out her podcast Therapy for Black Girls on iTunes, Google Play, or Stitcher.  Connect with her on social media:  Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.     Birthing new projects is no small act.  I’m thrilled to invite you to consider joining my newest project, the Connectfulness® Method Mentorship Program for  Therapists & Healers.  The themes and feedback that have arisen in the work I’ve been doing on the #POBScast have, in part, informed what I am bringing into this new offering.  And, for that, I am grateful to each and every listener and guest. So, if you’ve been desiring deeper support for integrating more YOUness into your work, consider joining us. The Mentorship Program begins 11/27!    

Fraud feelings and overwhelm. Squelched desires and jealousy.  How do you differentiate between fears designed to keep you safe and fears beckoning you to toward your potential?     The friction of change during growth periods in our lives is never very comfortable, but for all our fears, we rarely meet our utter demise on the other side.  So, why is it so hard to break through it?  And what can we learn about ourselves from it?   Episode 38 of the #POBScast puts Imposter Syndrome under the lens.  I’m chatting with Melody Wilding, an entrepreneur, coach, writer, and licensed social worker who helps high achieving individuals navigate the emotional facets that come along with successful careers.     In this episode, Melody and I discuss:   The conundrum that imposter syndrome presents and navigating the feelings that imposter syndrome stirs up in us The paradox of the therapist’s “blank slate” Why therapists are well poised for entrepreneurship and what is standing in the way The archetype of the wounded healer and the profundity of “me too” validation The power of storytelling in writing and speaking that don’t always require self-disclosure Finding our growth edge and how our imposter syndrome presents us with a necessary choice Resculpting ourselves through accomplishment and reflection The need to make space for practice and why our natural strengths only take us so far How to move through the stuff that creates the fear and why you need a “shitty first draft” Why every step forward always comes back to self-awareness and the messy, murky feelings that show us where to go if we’ll only sit with them How Gottman’s concept of relationship bids can translate as a metaphor for moving forward in our careers.     Referenced in the Episode: Melody’s TEDx Talk, “Trying to Change?  How Self-Doubt Can Actually Help”   You can find Melody Wilding online at MelodyWilding.com, where you can learn more about confidence, overwhelm and more.  Be sure to check out her upcoming HARO program relaunch as well. Follow her on Twitter,  Instagram, and Facebook.   If you are a therapist and are ready for a chance to move beyond your imposter syndrome, I want to invite you to consider joining me for the Connectfulness® Method Mentorship Program.  Early Bird registration is now open.

Something magical happens when people gather together in the same space.  Something that can’t happen in online gathering spaces in quite the same way.  Gatherings take many forms: Retreats, workshops, conferences.  Walk-outs, protests, sit-ins.  Tea parties, play groups, picnics.  But the one unifier is that buzz, the energy, that each person feels when they’re there.  A buzz they’ll each carry with them long after.   That’s what I’m talking about with this week’s guest, Lizzy Russinko of The Brave Gatherers and A Life Unscripted.  Lizzy is a bold change maker.  A hand lettering artist, an activist, and a community gathering creator.  She literally makes space for transformation and connection.  Lizzy creates amazing retreats and also guides other message-driven, soulful business owners who want to make intimate in-person gatherings a part of what they offer in business too.   In this episode, Lizzy and I discuss:   How organizing movements and disruptions became a foundational experience for Lizzy and showed her that something powerful happens when people gather together. Journaling, word making, accepting our weirdness, and the impulse to share. Where the real, magical, vibrational energy that amazing retreats create comes from. What in-person conversations can do that internet communities can’t. How motherhood has fed and informed the trajectory of Lizzy’s business. What it means to have conversations that matter. The role of vision boards and creative action in what we do. Creating a safe container for community and what happens to that community after the retreat. What you, as someone who creates in-person gatherings, communicate to the world about who you are and how this can resonate deeply with others. What happens when you make every single guest feel valued and an essential part of the experience from start to finish. What you need to know about yourself before you ever begin planning a gathering. Find Lizzy Russinko online at TheBraveGatherers.com to get connected with her community of new and seasoned gatherers and access her Great Conversations interviews and resources.  You can also find her at RetreatRoadmap.com or view her inspired hand lettering on her Instagram handle, this_unscripted_life.   And while we’re talking about community… Are you looking for support to cultivate a more sustainable business model, combat isolation and integrate your story with your big visions of worldly and relational transformation?  I’ve got something big in the works just for therapists like you.  Sign up here to be the first to hear about the launch of the Connectfulness® Method Mentorship Program for Therapists

In Episode 36 of the #POBScast, John Clarke and I thread connections between imposter syndrome, niching down and generating enough income in our practices as therapists, to making the space for reflection on the relationship we have with ourselves and how this informs our marketing message and confidence in the room with our clients.  This conversation comes full circle as we talk about our fears of “making it” in our businesses and in seeing ourselves clearly--it forms a dance between beginner’s mind and owning our expertise.  I love how generous he is in sharing his own current struggles in business too, which reinforces what we all should know to be true: None of us have it all together.   John Clarke is a licensed psychotherapist who has run successful practices in both San Francisco and Charlotte, North Carolina, where he currently runs a group practice.  Because he saw a need for other therapists to get the practical guidance and support they need to create meaningful practices that are also successful businesses, he founded Private Practice Workshop, where he offers business mentorships for therapists.   In this episode, John and I discuss:   The fears and aloneness we therapists all experience in our private practices, and how the fears we attach ourselves to can change when major life shifts demand that we look at things differently. The personal and professional experiences that are shaking things up for John and how he’s choosing to move through and reflect on that fear. The power in personal connections and why everyone at every level needs a mentor. Imposter syndrome, the comparison game, and the “Facebook highlight reel” myth we all can fall for at times. The struggle to get as close to experiencing the beauty in our messes and challenges while we’re in them rather than experiencing the beauty in retrospect. Finding our WHY and also our WHY NOT in business and life. The power in niching down as both a practice in seeing who we really are and as a means for avoiding burnout. Differing perspectives on our ability and need to help others and what self-care really means. Where we can find our one true marketing message.   Referenced in this episode:     Rebecca’s Facebook post about her daughter’s meltdown. Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning John Kabat Zinn’s book, Full Catastrophy Living   You can find John Clarke’s podcast, Private Practice Workshop, on iTunes.  Connect with John at PrivatePracticeWorkshop.com and enroll in his free online course, The Business Basics Workshop.  John also leads a digital marketing team for therapists, specializing in Google AdWords and SEO services with the needs and budgets of private practioners in mind. Visit unconditional.media to book your free consultation. John has generously offered a 10% discount on his one-on-one services or 10% off the setup fee of an SEO or AdWords package to listeners who reference this #POBScast episode.    Are you ready to do more of what you love with a deep sense of trust that you are good enough?  Sign up to receive more information about my upcoming launch, Connectfulness® Method Mentorship Program for Therapists coming this November 2017.    

This week on the #POBScast, Rebecca speaks with Jeffrey Davis, a writer, speaker, consultant and founder of Tracking Wonder, a consultancy and community that helps creative innovators, entrepreneurs, and social psychologists flourish through challenge and change.   Jeffrey says that we often defer our sense of wonder to our children and give ourselves other tasks.  But, what if wonder is grown-up work?  Jeffrey and I both share a common interest in the integration of our creativity, our money-making endeavors, our sensory experiences, and our relationships into one life that is full of meaning.  And actually, who we were as children can tell us a lot about how we naturally do things and how to move forward to create our most important, most integrated work.  This is where we can begin to crack ourselves open and dare to forge ahead to the unvisited shores that beckon us.   In this episode, Rebecca and Jeffrey discuss: Exactly what grown-up wonder is and why we need to track it. Ideas on the “fear of the jeer” and the ethical dilemma of doing what is right versus doing what we feel like doing in our work. The importance of “vision tracking”, wide-eyed naivete and fertile confusion and why we need a series of models, processes and support during our experimentation. What a “Business Artist” is and how they navigate fertile confusion differently. Jeffrey explains the power in keeping a daybook and how it builds and tracks the meaning in our days. The power in the sensory in impacting our intention and attention, and how it ignites creativity. Why reflection is possibly more important than simply being present in the moment. Three different “Wonder Interventions” that you can start applying to your life right now. What it means to “listen with our feet” and why we should all do it.   Find Jeffrey Davis online at TrackingWonder.com.  You can also connect with him on Facebook and join his Facebook Group Tracking Wonder Quest.   Also, be sure to join the #POBScast Community on Facebook.   Are you ready to create your most important, most integrated work, but know you’ll need support along the way?  Be the first to hear about my upcoming offering that is giving me all the butterflies-in-my-stomach feel as soon as it launches:  The Connectfulness Method Mentorship Program for Therapists.