The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography

Hey, everybody welcome to our podcast I think you guys probably noticed something that there was no intro music. did you did you guys notice that did you notice that Darcy I don't know because I can't hear it. So. If you notice that there was no welcome to episode number 163 this is the one hundred and sixty third episode of our podcast the podcast that I've been producing since October of 2019 so that's kind of cool and you probably notice that there's no intro music or intro. Whatever. That we usually hear every time you turn on the podcast. We're changing. We're growing and we're looking to become hopefully more valuable to you as we do that. So the very first thing that I want you to know from us is that there's a name change. You might have noticed that. Maybe when you open up your app this morning for the first time in a week that that the name of the podcast has changed to thrive beyond pornography or it might not be updated yet depend. Yeah on you might know same device to use. It can sometimes take a week for that to like process through. Apple Podcasts or Amazon or Spotify wherever you're listening from that said, the reason we changed. The name is a really important one and d'arcy and I have we've kind of worked a lot on thriving. Becoming a thriving couple becoming individuals who are thriving on our own and hopefully you guys have been doing the same for yourselves. So we want to focus on. And and this is the second thing that you'll probably notice as we go forward. Is you know we're going to continue to focus on individuals who have struggled to overcome pornography. We are also going to integrate what was once separate coaching for individuals to couples and those in relationships. Who want to not just eliminate a pornography struggle from their lives. But really begin to move past that and begin to thrive and begin to create growth and intimacy in their most valuable relationships. Darcy and I have worked on that a lot ourselves we we found that. And and I've said this to so many people as they've come through and done a consult with me or just talked to us in random places at random times because people stop us and they're like hey you talk about porn all the time. Yeah, absolutely. Um and I've said this so many times it's when the couple. Really does the work together is when the relationship moves forward the most effectively and it's also when the person who struggles with pornography is able to move forward most effectively. It's when the person who doesn't struggle with pornography who may feel wounded and. Oftentimes the word betrayed comes out and they are trying to find a new reality that they're proud of we we want to help both those people we want to help spouses. We want to help the person who struggles. So that's why we're changing. From from the self-mastery podcast to thrive beyond pornography. Additionally, we are going to change some of the things that we do in our coaching our coaching will now offer more to both spouses as they work together to move forward. Through and then beyond the struggles that have been keeping them from thriving. So if you've been listening to our podcast long enough. You've probably noticed that we don't just say hey remove pornography and everything's going to be amazing. And one of the things that we realized in our own journey was that just stopping the behavior of Zach turning to pornography did not necessarily create the thriving marriage that we wanted the intimacy and the connection. And the sexual relationship that we wanted. It was a great thing and it was exciting when he did stop turning for pornography but it it wasn't the answer to creating the thriving marriage that we wanted to yeah it didn't help heal. Everything that needed to be healed and it didn't give us necessarily the tools to actually enjoy each other to not make it problematic when something went wrong and to you know, keep from creating long-term rifts in our in our relationship. So...

One of my clients sent me a message a couple of weeks ago that I thought was common but interesting.   He was talking about how he had become bored while he was studying and the thought crossed his mind to google something that he could tell at the time was a distraction from what he would ideally choose.  He just wanted a little high, just wanted to kill time with something interesting, as he described it. I wanted something more subtle.  Then he moved from there, out of curiosity googled, “do people walk around naked at home?” So, he asked me, “Is there anything that I can do, even when my brain is being subtle, is there any tool that I can catch myself?” Knowing as he mentioned in his voice memo, I would suggest that he listen to my course video “the truth, the justification, and the lie” Then he said, “Is there anything that I can do to get rid of this right away?” One of the things I do in my individual coaching is deep dive into what is going on in the 30 or so minutes before we choose pornography.  For this client, his brain is being very subtle as it offers him something that will be highly appealing at the moment.   What is happening for him in that moment is that the habit running part of the brain has received a cue, that subtly begins the response process, in order to create a highly appealing reward.  In episode 69 I dive into how our brain can create new habits.  One of the keys that this client and everyone who is working to eliminate a pornography habit from their life must do is create and practice new ways to respond to cues.   I know that sounds overly simplistic, even if it is true.   Those who join my membership and those who get individual coaching with me work on some very specific techniques to retrain their brains to respond to the cues we receive in order to avoid the rabbit hole altogether in the long run.  Before we change our habits, we have to be able to recognize when our brain is being subtle and start identifying where we are playing into its desire to feel good now rather than deal with what's uncomfortable.  I think there are a few questions I might to ask that might help decipher between the wholesome passing of time and the start of the rabbit hole. It's also really important to ask these questions with the same curiosity that you are bringing to the questions that are working to pull you away from your values.   Is what I am currently doing on the internet something that I would be comfortable and confident doing when I am at my best and living my values? If I were to ask myself on my best day, considering my current relationship with pornography would I encourage myself to search away on the current topic or would I be able to see that I might be approaching a line of what I would feel was contrary to my values? If I look into my past have there been similar instances like this that have lead me down a path that I am wanting to stay off? If I were on the outside looking in would I be comfortable with the person I am currently being?

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Set up a free consult at zachspafford.com/workwithzach Thrive Beyond Pornography

Why do I view porn before bed?If you are listening to this podcast, you are probably like everyone else on the planet and have chosen to do something that feels good right now at the expense of sleep.  I know I've done it.  Whether it is watching one more episode of that binge-able new tv show until you look over and its 4 am or knowing you are so tired but you just keep scrolling social or crawling into bed, feeling ready to sleep then, your mind offers you that “you're alone” and “you might as well get away for a bit.” These are all real-life examples from my life, Darcy's life, and the lives of my clients.   And if you are human, as imagine there is an example like this in your life that makes you wonder, “Why did I choose that instead of sleep?” For many of my clients, the hour before bed is a regular time when they choose pornography.  Today we're going to look at why that may be and give you some really clear, actionable tools to put you in a position to make the decisions that meet your values when confronted with the urge to view porn before bed.  It can feel easier short termIt's easier to do than quieting our mind It's easier than laying there restless It's easier than tossing and turning It's easier than transitioning to the next thing It can be engagingCuriosity is probably one of the key reasons our brain engages us in pornography viewing.  What does this person look like nude?  Who is this person?  How can I see more of this person?   Problem-solving is one of the most powerful things our brain does.  When it comes to viewing porn or binging screens late at night, the problem solving feedback here is twofold.  First, it is solving for anxiety by avoiding it.  Second, it is solving for our desire to know as much as we can. Learning is an outgrowth of curiosity and problem solving and our brain feels justified in learning everything it can about the world around it.      It can feel greatDopamine,  Arousal Escape from responsibility It has been shown to help sleep quality A study reported that 65% of participants who had an orgasm before going to bed reported better sleep quality.  in order to attain high-quality sleep, our bodies should be able to enter a state of relaxation and calmness. Cortisol is a stress hormone that prevents that. It's often associated with our body's fight or flight response, making our bodies feel more alert and restless. Fortunately, research shows that masturbation and sexual intercourse inhibit this stress-inducing hormone's production. Cortisol is also often associated with a slew of health problems, from high blood pressure and fatigue to decreased bone density, so it's always ideal to have a low count of cortisol in your body. (https://primemensmedical.com/blog/does-masturbating-make-you-tired/#:~:text=But%20here%20comes%20the%20kicker,bed%20reported%20better%20sleep%20quality (https://primemensmedical.com/blog/does-masturbating-make-you-tired/#:~:text=But%20here%20comes%20the%20kicker,bed%20reported%20better%20sleep%20quality)) I'll link to that information in the notes.  I want to be clear, I'm not advocating viewing pornography and masturbation in order to improve your sleep.  What I'm offering is an understanding of why this habit may have formed and why you may be engaging in it as you do fall asleep.  This is about realizing that you might be using orgasms to manage stress and cortisol levels. Fortunately, these are not the only ways to manage your stress, cortisol, or sleep patterns.  And just knowing what you are facing gives you a lot of power to make changes and change patterns. That's why we have the membership, so you can figure out what is happening and resolve it, even if you can't see it yourself at first. I know that for me, there were many times that I lay awake at night,...

One of the biggest issues that every person who works to overcome pornography has is that they often feel like they are failing if they have any sort of setback or make any sort of mistake in the way that they are handling themselves.  So today we are going to talk about two ways to ensure that you never fail again when it comes to overcoming pornography.  A guy that I was working with told me the story of when he was doing a physical challenge of some sort, I think it was a multi-day race, and he stopped at a home that was part of the race support.  I heard this story a long time ago, so the details are a little fuzzy for me, but the message is clear.   He goes into the house, they point him to a bedroom and since it's the end of the day and he's been racing all day, he goes in, faceplants into the bed and goes to sleep.  Fast forward to the next morning and his wife, who, for some reason didn't sleep in the room with him, comes in to wake him up.  As she does this, she notices that the wall above my friend's head is a mural of a naked woman.  I imagine some of you are right now thinking of your partner or yourself and wondering how much trouble that guy was in.   Turns out he was in quite a bit of trouble.  His wife was quite furious with him that he had slept in that room and let him have it.  So my friend defends himself by saying that he had no idea, he had just come into the room, it was dark, he hadn't even gotten undressed, that he had just slept in the room without even looking around because he was so tired from the race he had been running.  This is key number one making your journey to overcoming pornography forever fail-proof: Learn to recognize what is problematic and what is incidental.  Too often, we become hyper-sensitive and hyper-focused on the ways in which pornography intersects our life and this intense management of the thing we want so badly to avoid creates a reality where we are more likely to notice it, and often, we beat ourselves up over it reinforcing a negative reality.  Just the same way you notice every car on the road that looks like the one you just bought, your brain is constantly looking for ways to reinforce itself.  This happens in ways that are positive and valuable and it also happens in ways that reinforce negativity in our lives.   In the case of my friend, the fact that there was a mural of a naked woman on the wall above his head was a non-issue until his wife made it into a big deal, reinforcing a number of negativities that seem inescapable.   I don't know what her thoughts were, but I imagine she felt like we can never get away from this, that no matter what, we always have to be diligent, and maybe any trauma that she experienced was being dredged up and relived in that moment.   For him, it might have been that he will never be able to do enough to stay away from this, that even when he isn't doing anything, he still gets in trouble because of his past behavior, and maybe even that his wife will never get over this and that it is a hopeless issue.  Think about what you've felt over the time you've struggled, what would you have thought or felt.  I know that I would certainly have felt attacked for something I didn't do and that I had no control over.   If you want to overcome pornography forever, you need to be able to triage what has happened in order to understand if there is something more to do.  In this case, there really wasn't anything to be done.  My friend had no idea the mural existed, and as such, nothing happened and there was nothing to learn from the experience.   This, in a lot of ways, could be summed up as stuff happens, and making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be won't make it better.  The second thing...

Join the membership for 50% off using promo code LABORDAY50 Click here to join https://www.zachspafford.com/jointhemembership Here is a story that we are all familiar with, that we all believe is true, and that we inflict on ourselves when we think about our pornography struggle.   The story begins with us seeing the hero of the story at their lowest point.  They are being crushed by the world and see no light, no end to their suffering, and no way to rise above the challenges that are before them.   In this struggle, they come across a single truth, weapon, or skill that opens possibilities to them, creates a path forward, and allows them to triumph.  While I struggled with pornography, I found that this is how I thought of what I needed to overcome pornography forever.  I thought, if Heavenly Father can just give me that one tool, that one skill, or just take this one thing away from me, then I would be immediately successful and clearly win this fight.  I don't know if you have thought of your porn struggle in this same way, but this was my mindset for a very long time when it came to pornography.  I'm sure, that like Saul who saw Jesus on his travels and was renamed Paul, there are people for whom extraordinary shifts occur in moments and then, forevermore, that newly minted being of awesomeness is plagued no more by their trials.  I know, for me, that this wasn't the case.   I found that really overcoming pornography forever was about three things.  Regularly refocusing, habits around my urges, and experimenting with totally new ways of thinking.  In the process of overcoming pornography, I found myself regularly discouraged when a setback occurred or a process that I had put in place seemed to fail. For a long time, this lead to an out-of-control spiral and frustrating despair.  Each time made mistakes, I had to dig out of that hole and refocus and redouble my efforts.   The clear lesson for me around this is, that you don't have to wait until you make a mistake to refocus.   If you are working to overcome pornography, setting regular checkpoints, working with a coach, or regularly evaluating your progress, process, and potential is something you can set up before you make mistakes. Adding key touchpoints to help you evaluate and adjust will yield high levels of self-awareness and pivot points that allow you to move toward your values.    These regular refocus sessions, whether you are doing them on your own or with a coach can help you clarify where you stand, what you are doing well, and if there is an area that you might want to improve.   If you are thinking about overcoming pornography forever from a strategic perspective, checking in with what's working and setting time to evaluate it is a perfect start to getting you where you want to go.  You might have a daily, weekly, monthly, or quarterly refocus session set on your calendar where you celebrate your wins and see how you want to focus your energy for the next period.  Speaking of how to focus your energy, one of the key components that you'll need to focus on is how you are habitually dealing with urges.   Willpower is a regular go-to when we engage with our brain around urges.   But if you've been listening to the podcast, you know that willpower fades and is never enough to totally eliminate pornography from your life.  Creating and practicing new ways to deal with urges seems really simple, I know.  When it comes to the things you are most effective at in your life, you have created habitual ways to engage with them.  I'm reminded of Phil Mickelson and Michael Jordan and Tom Brady.   Each of them has risen to the height of their sport.  But how? By doing the same things, over and over and over and over until it was habitual, not reactionary.  My...

As I was discussing pornography with one of my clients, an odd phrase occurred to me.  Pornography is a participation trophy.  On the podcast we don't do a lot of porn bashing, mostly because when people come to listen I feel like they already have a really keen sense of shame and know full well that watching porn is not their ideal way of engaging in life.  And a concept that has been bubbling around in my head for a while is how effective pornography is at engaging people.   Let me tell you what I mean.   First off, I think its really important to recognize that validation is one of the most highly sought after interactions a lot of us chase.  We look to others to validate our views, this is why we see the ever narrowing of our social media spheres of influence.  We want the news programs that we watch to validate our sense of the world.  We want our politicians to validate our sense of fairness or that the other side is doing us wrong.   Closer to home, we want our partner to validate the view we have of ourselves as a good spouse, a good parent, and a good lover.  Why else would you ask, “How was it?” after dinner or dessert?   We want validation for a number of reasons, most important among them, it feels good.   This is part of the reason why, when we ask our spouse if they want to make love and they say no, it can be some of the most disorganizing, frustrating, and invalidating words our spouse can say.  When they say no, however they say no, it can feel personal, causing us to worry and feel like we aren't enough, even that our spouse has rejected us.   So many of us feel even worse because we might have put in all kinds of effort to make the rejection less likely by cleaning the house, putting the kids to bed, or whatever we think might keep our spouse from being able to say, “Yes.” This desire for validation, especially the validation that I'm ok or I'm enough then shows up sometimes as neediness.  I have a client who would view pornography and then after he viewed pornography and told his wife, he would mope and pout until she would have sex with him.  He connected her having sex with him as a re-validation of himself into a person that was worthy of participating in their life.   As I've thought about pornography and it's capacity to draw people in, although this is not the only reason people view porn, it seems to me that one really clear reason why people choose pornography is that it always validates them.  Think about it.  No one ever goes to google and types in a search only to have the system say, “Oh, not tonight, I'm just not in the mood”. Pornography is, especially in today's day and age, always on.  It always says, “Yes”. It is willing to try out anything you might want to try.  It like the things you like.  It believes in what you believe.  It wants to please you.  The face it makes is always one of desire for you.   You see, porn is like the participation trophy of emotional and sexual interaction.   You didn't really earn it, but you got it anyway.   The difficult reality is, when we are willing to face up to who we want to really be, most of us don't want participation trophies.   Most of us want our lives to be a mix of real desire and honest growth.   Neither of which come at a command, but are earned with effort, over time. 

I used to think that once my wife and I could have sex because we were married that my pornography problem would go away.  Then when we got married and my pornography problem kept going, I used to think that if we had sex that day, I wouldn't turn to pornography.   Then if we had sex that day and I chose pornography, I used to think that our sex life needed to be more interesting before my porn struggle would end.  There are a lot of reasons why people choose pornography when they are morally opposed to it.  Many of those reasons stem from trying to resolve an issue that is difficult or painful.  Often they either do not have the tools to resolve these issues or that they are unskilled or unpracticed at using the tools they do have.  WIthin the Self Mastery Membership we dive deep into the tools you need as well as help you hone those tools to make them effective in your day to day life.  When I believed that sex would solve my pornography problem, I failed myself by believing that the answer to my struggle was outside me.  I believed that Darcy would solve my problems.  I believed that God would make me stop somehow. (Agency tells us He won't) I believed that if I had my needs met often enough and well enough that I simply wouldn't have more desire than to be with my wife.   The idea that external forces will help us resolve our pornography problems is the same idea that keeps us from solving our pornography problems.   The more we believe that someone or something outside of us has power to solve for how we feel or what we need, the more we will believe that pornography can help us solve for how we feel or what we need.   The idea that Darcy could make it so I wouldn't want porn is the same concept as porn could make it so I wouldn't struggle with my difficult or painful issues.   When Darcy can make the bad of porn go away, porn can make the bad of loneliness go away.  Placing our ownership of what is going on for us outside of us, in the hands of a person, a substance, an electronic dopamine machine like video games, or in pornography only aleviates the struggle for a short time.  Then, we have to face up to both our choices and our previously unaddressed difficulties.  So, if sex won't solve your porn problem, what will? I'll give you a one word answer that you may not want to hear: YOU You are the only person who can solve for how you feel, why you choose porn, and learn the skills you need to practice in order to leave it behind.  I can teach you those skills, you can learn them through individual coaching or in the membership, but you have to be the one who takes the steps to make it happen.  Heavenly Father could create the perfect conditions that would make your life perfectly simple and easy to live, but you have to be the one who exercises your agency around pornography.  Your wife can have sex with you every day, three times a day, she can be understanding of your issue and not make you feel shame or guilt when you choose porn, she can be emotionally available and alway meet your “needs”, but you have to be the one who owns your emotions, experiences your frustrations, and resolves them internally before they become so overwhelming that you feel like you have to escape them.    This is why more sex won't solve your porn problem.   You have to hold on to yourself and create the sense within yourself that you are capable of solving the problem, learn the skills and utilize them, and stop relying on externals to manage you.   This is why I don't encourage accountability partners, too often we think of them as external checks on internal choices.  (they can be effective if used as a way to become known more fully)  This is why I don't recommend internet or device filters

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Create realistic expectations -  Not expecting my husband to commit to things I know he doesn't have skills for.  Looking honestly at yourself Could you honestly commit to eliminating your coping mechanism immediately  Instead of looking to give you a right answer, because that answer looks like it will give you peace of mind, it is about being able to  Instead of expecting your partner to give you the right answer because it might make you feel better in the moment Become willing to hear the honest answer without losing yourself and becoming disregulated.  Creating realistic expectations reduces the possibilities that you are setting your partner up to make lying to you his safest move Don't make their behavior about you -  This is difficult and they do impact you It may hurt when your partner doesn't live up to your values and your shared values Be willing to be wrong Reevaluating your understanding of pornography  Being willing to address where you are not being or have not been kind in the relationship Become willing to see how you've been untrustworthy in the relationship.   It might be good sense for your partner to not share what is going on for them around pornography  What you do when you learn the truths and realities of your spouses struggle impacts their decisions, sense of self, and their sense of the relationship This is not an excuse for their choices, it is an awareness of your impact on them as you are becoming aware of their impact on you.  Become willing to hear the truth of where your spouse is in their journey Not internalize it to mean anything about you Be capable of choosing to be near your partner even when that truth is not what you want to hear You become more trustworthy, which sets up a framework where openness and honesty are not simply expected but more likely.  Because your partner becomes more aware of your capacity to hear their open, honest reality.  And you become more capable of confronting their reality without needing to cater to their struggles or enfold into their anxiety.  

Three secrets to creating trust after pornography  Here is the truth of it. You can not make your wife trust you again. You do not have control over if your wife trusts you. All you can do is be someone who she can trust. Don't commit to things you can for sure follow through on. Be honest. Each of these revolves around an honest presentation of yourself, but probably not in ways that you have ever thought of before.   Let go of the outcomes A lot of us have been working to manage our partner's feelings  This is something that is trackable and leads to a fundamentally dishonest way of interacting Client - when I speak with my wife, I'm often looking to figure out a way to present my side in a way that is least likely to have her blow up or get upset Say “no” to your spouse when it is your true position Be willing to tell your partner “no” rather than trying to find the answer that will keep the peace, make her happy, or keep you from getting in trouble. example Darcy: Your partner knows when you're telling them what they want to hear.  They may like it in the moment, but it's a hollow victory Our kids do this as well, they tell us the answer they think we want to hear.  Clean rooms Be more circumspect about what you tell your partner.  Don't just say yes, because you think it's what your partner wants  Be careful in agreeing to a plan of action because you feel like you are in a one-down position of having messed up.  Becoming willing to disappoint your partner if it is the more honest position If your partner asks you to never look at porn again saying “yes” even if that's what you want to say, might undermine the trust in the relationship. example When we say “no” from an honest position or disagree we are letting go of the outcome and offering our partner an opportunity to hear us being real with them.   They are also going to be presented with an opportunity to grow through the process Integrate your private self with your presented self Say what you are doing and do what you say.  For instance, if you say you're leaving work at 5 o'clock then you do so.   This is like doing what you say, but I want to emphasize the cost  Often we can rationalize not doing it.  But, can you do it regardless of the ratio nalization. Become committed and take action in the direction of your values. be willing to reevaluate, renavigate, and restate your position Example Hear what your partner is saying and make the argument for them about your behavior This is a process of self-confrontation and winning strategies in your arguments Self-confrontation - episode https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-127-overcome-pornography-through-self-confrontation-the-secret-to-intimacy-series-chapter-2-of-5 (127)  Hearing what they have to say and understanding their perspective on how you are showing up Being willing to see your behavior objectively and without the need to defend it.  I feel valued We can work together

One of the books that I have often recommended to my clients is a work by Dr. Robert Glover.   His book, No More Mr. Nice Guy is a guide to men who have struggled to get what they want in “love, sex, and life”.  I'd like to share one of the key concepts from this book and a caution as you begin to integrate the ideas the book offers you.  First, what is a “Nice Guy” or as Dr. Glover nice guy syndrome?  It is essentially this.  Nice guys are men who, at the expense of their own happiness and from a position of hiding real and important parts about themselves seek the approval of others.  They do this at work, they do this in their church callings, and they do this in their personal lives, particularly as part of their marriages.   What this looks like is often saying, “yes” to things that they are not fully on board for, in an effort to gain the approval of those around them.  Their boss, those they attend church with, and especially their spouses.   This may not sound problematic, as being a person who serves in their community is often a well-regarded thing.  But this overwhelming need to seek the approval of others at the expense of one's own honestly held position can create a problem called covert contracts.   Covert contracts are actions that we take in order to obligate others to take actions that validate us without their consent.  An example of this might look like a spouse doing all the right things around the house, doing the dishes, cleaning up the house, getting the kids to bed and so on, in order to get their partner to have no possible excuse to not have sex with them.   At it's core, a covert contract is a manipulation of those around you, in particular our spouses, into giving you validation through things like sex in a quid pro quo that the other party is not fully agreed to.   For some of you listening to this, you might be saying, “Well, how else am I supposed to get my partner to have sex with me, she always has some reason why not to, unless I maneuver her into feeling like she has to.” When we create these covert obligations, in the long run, we end up alienating our partners, and get less of the things we want, including intimacy and sex.  We are essentially manipulating our partners for coerced validation at the expense of self-validation and their desire for us.  What I find here is that many men feel like getting some sex, even bad, servicing-based sex, is better than no sex.   What we fail to see, from that perspective is, that the servicing sex that we end up getting isn't fulfilling, but we can control, to some degree, when we get it.   That control is the thing that you and your partner will eventually push back against and may create damage to your relationship that is difficult to reconcile in the long run.   By the way, both men and women do this.  My mom once told me that if she wanted something from my dad, she would have sex with him and then ask him about whatever she wanted.  He was much more likely to give in to her position if she did that.   So, how do we stop creating covert contracts?   I'm going to give you two things that you can do.  Part of the process of leaving behind covert contracts is letting go of the outcome. The other part is becoming more desirable.   Let's start with being more desirable.    Most of us, if we take a few moments to examine our lives, can see a number of things that we would like to change or improve about ourselves.   Those of us who engage or have engaged in covert contracts are often, fundamentally dishonest about what is real and truly going on for us internally.  Meaning, we don't really tell our partner what is true, we often tell them what we think we want

I had a conversation with a friend of mine who while we are about the same age, he started his family well after I did.  His two kids are the same age as our youngest two kids.  We worked together in Wisconsin and each week when we returned to work on Monday he would ask me, “what did you do this weekend?”  My answer varied, but once I said, “I pulled weeds.”  I don't remember anything about that particular weekend's worth of activities, but my friend recalls the story and brings it up occasionally when we chat.   It made me realize that one weekend's worth of work is often what we think lasting change looks like.  But in truth it is more like this:  Last year we bought a house that we love, right next to the house that we used to own here in St George.  When we bought it, we had some pretty big ideas about what we wanted to do.  We had a vision of what this property would look like when we had finished.   We got to work, I cut down 20 or so cedar trees that were shedding harsh, thorny bits all over the yard.  We took out about 10 evergreen bushes that were both ugly and prickly.  We built a wall so our yard would extend 5 to 10 more feet in the back. I started to lay a stone path in the backyard so we could have a nice comfortable place for the kids to play.   Then a back injury I received while playing football on Thanksgiving 2019 flared up and everything stopped.  During that period, the yard didn't change much, but my concept of what the yard needed to look like and how I wanted it to change did.  As I waited for my back to strengthen and heal, I kept thinking about how I wanted things to look in the yard.   Things that I thought were certain changed and morphed and became something completely different.  As that evolution happened, I found that there were some new and awesome things that I loved about the way I wanted to do the yard.  These were things I didn't even have any idea about when I started the process of updating the yard.   While the new yard is far from complete, It is well on it's way.   For many of you, the process of overcoming pornography will be the same.   As you listen to these podcasts and work on the things that you learn, you'll have an idea of what it means to execute that skill.  Some of you will ask questions about it during open coaching in the Self Mastery Membership, others of you will discuss it with your partner, and some of you will think it through and just do it.   As you go through episodes, ideas that you have will fade and you'll move on to new concepts, adding them to your mind and letting them become a dominant force as you work to eliminate this unwanted habit.   You may even stop listening for a while, stop doing the work, and stop trying the skills because a particularly difficult setback has made it tough to continue.    All of that is ok.  What I hope you will remember is that, if you will come back to it when you're ready, you will keep growing, keep succeeding, and eventually overcome pornography forever.  That may sound simple or even naive, but it is the way I've seen things work for so many men and women.  They learn, they grow, they stop, they restart, and they do it again.   Overcoming pornography is doable.  I hope you see it.    

In this interview with Josh and Amber, we discuss their success and how overcoming pornography has made their lives better.

This week in the membership one of my members was talking about the question that another member had asked during our previous session.   The man I was coaching said, “when That guy asked that question, it was as if he had been reading my mind.” This is the amazingness that comes from being part of the membership. You get to hear the questions you didn't even know how to ask, asked for you! This moment was when I decided that I needed to answer that question for you all, here on the podcast. As part of the coaching I do, often we talk about shame and how to manage and deal with it.   The question we're talking about was part of this discussion about minimizing shame in our lives.  The question was, “what is a good way to not let myself feel so much shame when I act on my urges?” First off, let's talk about why we feel shame.  Knowing what shame is gives us the ammunition we need to actually end it.   Shame is often contrasted with guilt.   The thing about guilt is that it can be a powerful catalyst for change.   Guilt is about learning that what you have done is not what you would like to have done, had you been able to.   I've heard it said this way and this definition works for me.   Guilt comes when I understand that what I've done is not right for me.  Guilt comes when I've acted incorrectly, based on my own sense of right and wrong and according to my agency within the framework of truths I hold.  As brene brown put it, guilt is I did something bad.  Shame on the other hand, is not about a behavior, but about our sense of who we are.   Shame comes when when I believe that what I've done makes me bad, irredeemable and unacceptable.  Shame comes when I've acted contrary to my framework of truth knowing that I'm discarding my own sense of what is right and wrong and feel incapable of exercising my own agency.  Again, going back to brene brown, Shame is, I am bad.  So “What is a good way to not let myself feel so much shame when I act on my urges?”  Here are 3 things that you need to do to eliminate shame when you have acted on urges that don't fit your idea of who you want to be.  First, you need to decide that this is an opportunity to learn Learn something move forward. Second thing you'll need to eliminate shame when you've acted on your urges is talk to someone you trust.   -       Create intimacy -       Practice openness.   -        Third thing, understand that you are enough. -       Atonement -        Each of these things will help you eliminate shame and understand that you are not bad.  Hopefully they will serve to strengthen your capacity to exercise your agency, accept responsibility for your actions and shape the person you want to be.   

Hear the true and amazing story of Jon, a client who's work with Zach gave him the freedom from pornography that he's been trying for years.

Happy Fathers' Day yesterday! I hope it was a pleasant day with ample food and kind words.  Before I forget, this week I have a free masterclass set up for you on Wednesday at 7:30 PM MT.  We are going to be learning how to drop the porn struggle.  Be sure to register at zachspafford.com/freecall How to become an expert on yourself and why it matters if you want to leave pornography behind  When I am talking with clients and reflecting back on my own experiences there are a few common themes I see. How much time do you spend focusing on things outside of you trying to control your results? How might things change if you stopped focusing on things outside of yourself and instead turn your focus inward on what you do have control over? Part of the reason that we all struggle with anxiety, whether it is pornography related or not, is that there is a near-universal sense among us that something outside of us is causing our pain.   When we struggle, especially when that struggle involves other people, we tend to label them as the problem.  While it is true that, by virtue of being a human, others, especially our spouses, can be part of the problem, it is much more important to recognize our own role in our anxieties and why they exist.   We say things like, “if only my wife would have sex with me more.”  Or, “I wish Sharon in accounting would dress more modestly.” What is happening is that our anxiety around being a good person, finds a place outside of us to focus and makes that the problem.  Once that occurs, we no longer own our agency, we've given it away, often to someone who has no idea they have it.   While this isn't the only reason people choose pornography or struggle when their spouse does, it is one that I want to talk about today. I also want to give you one simple exercise that you can use to begin leaving behind your external focus and refocus on yourself as the owner and agent of your own happiness.  When we are anxious, there are basically four responses that are available to us.  You're probably familiar with fight and flight, but there is also freeze and worry.   Worry is probably the one that comes up most often when we are talking about anxiety around pornography.  For men and women who choose pornography, we are worrying about how we are going to keep from viewing or choosing pornography.  For women and men who are supporting someone who chooses pornography, they are worrying about how they can keep their partner from choosing pornography in the future.   This endless cycle of worry and imagining new worries is keeping us from engaging directly with actual, reality based struggles that we are facing.   I think, this worry cycle also puts us in a place of victimhood.  When we label the source of our struggle as some external individual or force that we don't have any power to control, we become victims in a perpetual downward spiral of victimhood, trying to control, and failure that leads to repeating the process.  This is us, investing a lot of time and energy and not getting what we want out of it.  For pornogrpahy users, we invest in programs, plans, and giving power to others, only to find that when the urge comes and we are on the path of finding porn, we find it.   For spouses, we invest in thinking up ways to manage our partner's internet, working to distract their eyeballs, and worrying excessively about the next time they might fail us, because we can't control them.  For pornography users, we also spend a lot of time working to manage our spouse's perceptions of us.   All of us understand that the behaviors of our spouse are part of the problem because they are really important to us and their behavior impacts us.   What we forget is that...

This week we are going to discuss your cycle of avoidance and how to recognize what is going on for you around this cycle and a few things you can do to help remove yourself from the cycle.  We've talked about experiential avoidance or buffering in episodes https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-5 (5), https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-6 (6), and https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/what-is-pornography-addiction (135).  I'll link to those episodes in the show notes.  Humans have a unique ability to problem-solve. From the very beginning of human existence, we have learned how to survive in the world.  ONE OF THE 3 THINGS our brains are designed to do is avoid pain. If you have listened to this podcast from the beginning, this is not a new concept for you. If you think back thousands of years ago when we had to hunt and grow our own food, and physically provide safety and shelter from the elements of this world avoiding pain was a very essential part of everyday life. Over the years we have learned that avoiding pain helps keep us alive! In the physical world, this is VERY important. Imagine if your house was on fire. What would you do?  I imagine I would make sure my loved ones were safe and run out as fast as I could. I would do everything in my power to avoid the hot flames and in doing so it would keep me safe. By avoiding the fire it makes it possible to continue living! We tend to react to our psychological pain the same way we react to our pain in the physical world.   For instance, You might have a stressful workday, and instead of dealing with the stress in a productive way, you might avoid your feelings by engaging with pornography. Another example may be that you approached your spouse for physical intimacy and felt and received a no answer which made you feel rejected. Instead of feeling rejected, you might seek out pornography. You might have a stressful day with the kids and turn to chocolate to relieve some of that stress. Our brains think that avoiding pain inside of our head is the same as avoiding pain on the outside. When we try to problem solve psychological pain in the same manner it often leads us further down the path of discomfort in the long run.  Every one of us has a cycle of avoidance. For some of us, it is a cycle that circles around avoiding parts of our lives through eating.  For others, it is a cycle that revolves around pornography, and others still avoid their lives through shopping or other behaviors that run contrary to our values. Here's what that looks like in real-time: instead of working on your project's upcoming due dates, you scroll social media avoiding getting started on your work and putting yourself further behind.  Or: rather than get studying for your upcoming exams like you planned on, you open a browser on your phone and start looking for sexually explicit material. Or, finally, instead of getting your house ready for the week by doing a load of laundry, you hide in the pantry and eat a sweet snack so your kids don't catch you. Darcy and I use a system called acceptance and commitment coaching, a key component of which is the word acceptance.   Often, the main reason we suffer is that we are not accepting our lives and our unpleasant or unwanted feelings.  This desire to avoid discomfort leads to experiential avoidance or the avoidance of the experience of being uncomfortable.  If we really want to avoid pornography or any other unwanted habit that we have, we must accept these uncomfortable feelings and learn how to deal with them directly.  These kinds of avoidance behaviors are like getting stuck in a roundabout where each exit point that is available to us means that we will have to be uncomfortable while moving toward our ultimate goal, so instead of getting out of the cycle, we stay put, circling around...

This week is a really busy week.  YM camp up in Enterprise and speaking at a Youth Conference here in town.   The more angst that we have toward pornography, we think is going to create the motivation to stay away.  But what that is more likely doing is giving it power over you.   I think we think that if we create a harsh relationship with something, it will banish that thing from our lives.  Often, the more we hate something, the more power it seems to have over us.  It, somehow gets to live in our heads rent-free.   When we are angry and bitter toward someone or something, that anger won't let us move past that issue.   How has hating porn helped you in this struggle?   When we acknowledge it from a place of gratitude, we can acknowledge the role that it played in our life, learn from it more fully, and move beyond it when we've grown past it.  Acknowledging the role that pornography played in your life. Acknowledging ways that porn helped you to survive when other coping methods didn't work. This thank you, has allowed me to claim back my choice, claim back my ownership of my life and create closure from it. Gratitude for what it has done for us while also moving toward and choosing something that we do want, helps us move forward with power.  It's time to break up with porn.   Dear porn,  Thank you for being the trial that made me into a better person.  I know that seems strange to say, but it's the truth.  Because of our relationship, I was driven to be an amazing provider and hard worker.   I'm not proud of all the things I did with you and all the ways that I used you to mitigate my short-term discomfort.  But I realize now, that's not your fault.  That was my choice and not something you made me do.  Because I chose porn, I had a ready system to fall back on when my ability and skill at dealing with my life wasn't enough.  But I also used you as a crutch when I could have stood on my own.  And that's not your fault either.  I chose that.  So, thank you for being there and helping me when I really needed to do it myself.   Thank you for helping me learn empathy.  I'm grateful for my capacity to be kinder to those who struggle and less judgemental of their flaws.   When I see someone who struggles with life, I used to wonder why they couldn't get it together.  Now I realize that they are just learning, growing, and trying their best.  If I really want to help them, I can be there for them without judgment and with empathy for what they are going through.  I also want to thank you for helping me find my purpose in life.  Without porn I would probably never have become a coach helping people solve their own pornography problems. Here's something that I never thought pornography would help me with, ever! Thank you, for helping me build the relationship, love, and intimacy that I had always wanted with my wife.  Without this struggle, without pornography being the focal point of our marriage for so many years, I would not have learned to be honest and open with Darcy.  I would not have learned to trust her, listen to her, and value that I can tell her anything, knowing that she can handle it and that we can resolve it, together.  Thank you, for catalyzing this growth and helping me learn that I would be able to trust Darcy.  I realize that most people who don't want you in their lives see you as the reason for their misery.  But because of you, I was able to learn how to become happy.  Not because you make me happy, but because I had to learn the skills to leave you behind, and those skills I get to use in so many parts of my life to grow and learn, which makes me happy.  Thank you  Darcy thought it might be cool for her to also write a thank you letter to porn....

Willingness to think differently about the problem Episode 89 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-89-emotional-debtor (Emotional Debtor) and Episode 100 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-100-pornography-is-not-the-problem-change-the-conversation-from-fear-to-love (Pornography is not THE problem)  An understanding of what is happening and why Can't run away, can't push it out of your mind You have to face it Ask questions Be willing to confront what it is objectively and curiously Listen to - Episode 82 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-82-easter-the-atonement-and-agency (Easter, the Atonement, and Agency)  57 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-57-learn-something-move-forward (Learn Something and Move Forward) A specific set of skills Let me ask you who you would rather learn from, a Harvard professor with 30 years of experience learning about business who has never made payroll, never hired or fired anyone, and never had to actually make a profit.  Or a person who has for 30 years, honed his craft, made profit, learned from his mistakes, and made himself millions of dollars, employed thousands of people, and profited himself, his company, and his stakeholders.  Inside my membership and in individual coaching you'll find the skills that I teach are different than anything anyone else has ever offered you.  Listen to episode 141 -https://player.captivate.fm/episode/4c17b692-6aba-4dc9-9dc9-32056406a26c ( 3 Secrets to Managing Emotions) and Episode 131 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-131-choice-point-to-overcome-pornography (Choice Point to Overcome Pornography). 

How much power do you give the random strangers in Las Vegas.  On Friday we had tickets to see Jim Gaffigan in Las Vegas.  I was looking forward to it.  Darcy was, too.  Unfortunately, Jim got Covid and the show was canceled at the last minute.   We didn't find out until after we were down there and had dinner.  So, we decided to catch another show.   While I went to the bathroom Darcy and our friends picked Penn and Teller.  It was ok.  Kind of cool to see people that are famous.   We went to dinner, we went shopping at Trader Joe's because we don't have one here in St George.  So, if you are listening and have any clout with the TJ's people, please let us have one here.  Then we went over to the Rio where the Penn and Teller show is.  We were about an hour early, so we decided to just hang out in the parking lot since none of us gamble and the inside of a casino is still a place where you can smoke in Las Vegas.   Boy did we get a show before the show.  To our surprise, we found that the Rio parking lot was the shuttle area for those going to an outdoor music event that features electronic dance music called Electric Daisy Carnival.   From what I could tell this is a music festival where the women dress in their absolutely most revealing clothes and the men dress up in the same thing they would wear to go play basketball.   This was an amazing opportunity for us to practice what we preach here on the podcast and that we help people work on and through in our membership and individual coaching.  We would like to share our experience with you and a few tips on how you can thrive as individuals and couples when life offers you an experience like the one that we had on Friday.  Just because someone is showing their body, that doesn't mean my partner is sexualizing it.   It was good to see the body objectively They were just moving across the stage It was a physical representation of letting something come into your mind and allowing it to move off on its own.   They came and then they went one after another. Really, objectively noticing but not sexualizing.  In the past,    would have been a lot more on high alert I wasn't a zero on the calm level, but I wasn't panicking.  It was so absurd that we could talk and joke about it rather than making it more than just what we were seeing.  Just because there is a nearly naked body, that doesn't mean that it's a problem. -  In the past I would have to pretend that I'm not seeing this.  I wouldn't have been able to mention anything that I was seeing and I would not have been able relax at all.  It was a dishonest position inherently. Indicating that I was seeing it would have created greater tension But there would have been a lot of tension there already.  It would have been this fake moment.  Then I would have waited for the inevitable questions from Darcy “What were you looking at” “were you fantasizing about it”  Were you wishing I wasn't there so you could just gawk?  Is that going to lead to something?  I don't have to give my power and emotional energy to the random strangers  I wouldn't have been able to be present, or enjoy myself,  There wouldn't have been laughing or joking This would have felt like a threat, almost like a life and death situation The way i don't give away my power is by realizing,  I don't have control over this and neither does my partner.  Also, realizing that this is legal, Other people find this ok, and I don't have to be mad about that.  “Ok, alright, these people are dressed for the moment” and that's ok  I wouldn't have worn that.  It was asking, how much power do I want to give these strangers that are...

Our 4-year-old is an adorable little girl holding her own in a household of 8 kids and two adults.   She is also a tiny human who I find fascinating to watch because she is an open book of emotions.  When she is sad she lets us know.  When she is happy, she wants to share that. When she is excited it shows on her face and in her voice.   The other day, Darcy was with her and she became upset that she wasn't going to be able to get to play with her friends, having thought that was an option.   As she started to cry, Darcy just noticed out loud for her, “you must be frustrated, how does that feel? Do you want to take some breaths and come play with us when you are ready?” then went back to what she was doing.   In the way that only a 4-year-old who is both super cute and highly articulate can, she cried for a moment or two longer, took her breaths, and came back to the fun while explaining how she had taken her breaths and was ready to play again.  Without realizing it, Darcy and our four-year-old did exactly the only thing that we can really do when it comes to dealing with our emotions.  In Acceptance and Commitment Coaching we call this dropping anchor.   It is one of the most effective ways that we can deal with our unwanted or unpleasant emotions, thoughts, feelings or sensations and, quite accidentally, one of the key skills we have taught our little girl.   Dropping anchor is a simple process and it is a component of the three secrets to managing emotions around any subject.   One of the biggest reasons people choose pornography is because it is a way to take control of their emotions, thoughts, feelings, and sensations.  Let me tell you what I mean by that.  If you are lonely, for example, because you're on a business trip and your mind is offering you thoughts like, “you might as well just look at porn because you know it's inevitable.” One of the ways that many people try to manage that, or get it to go away is either to fight with it until their willpower runs out or give into it.   I've talked about willpower in episodes 38 and 134 which I will link to in the show notes. Suffice it to say that willpower won't get you all the way there and giving in will make it so that you create a self-fulfilling prophecy that will repeat itself forever until you learn the skills you need to stop.  We do a deep dive into this in the membership and in individual coaching, which you can sign up for at zachspafford.com.  But what I want you to focus on here are the three secrets to managing your emotions.  So, imagine you are there in that hotel room or wherever, you can use a situation where you have given into pornography.   In that moment with our 4-year-old, you can see the three secrets that you need to manage your emotions any time, anywhere.  Become familiar with your emotions Learn how to diffuse from those feelings Practice your newfound skills daily I'll teach you what each of these are and what they mean here, and if you want to learn more, I have a free Masterclass that you can come to tomorrow night at 830 Mountain time.  All you have to do is go to zachspafford.com/freecall Become familiar with your emotions - create a vocabulary and seek to notice and describe your experience.  Start by learning about different emotions that exist. Brene Brown in her book, Atlas of the heart described a research project where she asked people to describe their emotions.  Most people only had 3 emotions. This lack of understanding is keeping us from being able to recognize what is going on for us, as well as, being prepared to deal with it I would say that I am highly capable when it comes to fixing problems.  But it is nearly impossible to make a plan on how to solve a problem...

In this interview with Latter-day Life Coaches, Zach discusses changing the Narrative around pornography and pornography addiction to help us create a shameless conversation geared toward overcoming pornography and utilizing the agency inherent in all of us. If you would like to learn more, check out zachspafford.com/blog

Join Zach and Darcy as they discuss an email they received about pornography use. Listen to more episodes at zachspafford.com/blog

Overcoming pornography isn't just pushing a new thought into your mind to supersede the thoughts that have naturally occurred.   I think we've all heard the analogy of the stage of your mind and how we can become totally free from the plague of our unwanted thoughts by just changing what's on the stage.   While I think this is a worthy attempt to advise and assist those struggling with pornography or any other issue, it falls short in actual practice.   There was an experiment called the pink elephant or white bear experiment that gave us a pretty good indication of what trying to push thoughts out of your head or trying not to think a certain thought does.   If you're not familiar with the pink elephant experiment, let me tell you about it, from the perspective of bacon.   I love bacon.  You have probably heard me talk about bacon on the podcast before, but if you haven't it is one of my top favorite foods.  The smell of it is inviting, the flavor is the most amazing combination of salty and umami, the crunch of it in a BLT sandwich is the most perfect feeling in the world.   Now that you are hopefully fully in the grips of a desire to eat bacon, let's try the experiment.   Starting now and For the next 60 seconds, you are not allowed to think about bacon.  Each time you think about bacon then you have to pay me a dollar.  (Feel free to venmo me at theselfmasterycoach)   Part of the reason you'll need to pay me a dollar is to raise the stakes of the experiment.  The higher the stakes in this bacon experiment, the more difficult it will be for you to force your thoughts to stay away from the crispy, chewy, warm, savory bacon that you've conjured up in your mind.     As you try not to think about the bacon I've asked you not to think about, you might find your mind wandering back to that unwanted thought. You might find that the smell of bacon in the morning greeting you from bed just pops into your mind.  You might realize that you're thinking about your favorite kind of bacon, thick or thin, Maplewood or smoked.   Just make a tally mark each time you do think of the delicious, amazing bacon that you've eaten in the past, or count on your fingers each instance of all the future bacon you'll eat as it pops into your mind.   Any time you think about the bacon in your food and on your plate, you might also notice how much money you lose to me.  Notice how, when you lose money, you don't like it.  So, you try harder not to think about the mouthwatering, flavorful treat that you're not supposed to think about.   Ok, experiment end.  How did you do?  If you are like most people you probably found that bacon came to mind a lot more than you might have wanted it to.   Now, you don't really have to Venmo me, but you also might have noticed that if you took up the challenge for real and really intended to send money if you thought of the bacon, how much more difficult it became because of the loss factor.  This is essentially the pink elephant or white bear experiment.  In a series of experiments, researchers found that participants were more preoccupied with thinking about a white bear, despite being asked to not think of one.  The conclusion was that trying to suppress thoughts “has paradoxical effects as a self-control strategy,” which can lead to obsession or preoccupation despite desiring and working toward the opposite.  In other words, when we try not to think of something and actively work to distract ourselves from that thing, we are more likely to become obsessed with it and it is more likely to become the focus of our minds.  What does this have to do with pornography? You probably already have some sense, but I'm going to

I'd like to take you back to general conference a few weeks back. I loved listening to President Nelson as he spoke about how to keep spiritual momentum.  If you don't recall the talk, he offered 5 ways to Maintain positive spiritual momentum.  The five were Get on the covenant path and stay there. Discover the joy of daily repentance. Learn about God and how He works. Seek and expect miracles. End conflict in your personal life. I'd like to talk about number 3 tonight and discuss an issue that I find keeps my clients from being able to successfully employ prayer in their quest to overcome pornography.   I've made a study of prayer over the course of my life and find, sometimes, our prayers are ineffectual because we approach the act of prayer and the requests in our prayer in ways that do not conform to the purpose of prayer.   As I struggled with pornography I often found myself praying earnestly to Heavenly Father.  When I drove was the time I often felt most able to pray out loud and listen for the answers.  As I drove I would pour out my heart and plead for things that I was certain Heavenly Father would want to give me.   It was a time of deep frustration because, no matter how hard I prayed, I never received the answers or blessings that I felt like I was asking for.   It took many years of work to get to the point where I am now.  And I see prayer very differently than I did when I was a 19 year old working to get on my mission.   In thinking back to that time, I want to share 3 ways that you can change your prayers to become more effective at engaging with our Heavenly Father in ways that, I believe He will be more able to answer you, bless you, and help you become the person you are trying to be.   The three ways to improve your prayers to overcome pornography are: Seek Understanding Maintain Agency  Be Willing to Try Whether you are talking about a pornography addiction or just in general, these lessons will hopefully give you meaningful ways that you can utilize prayer more effectively to overcome pornography.   Seek understanding The first thing that I think we need to do differently is to seek understanding from our Heavenly Father.   That might seem obvious.  But I promise, it wasn't obvious to me and when you hear what I mean, it might not have been the obvious answer to you either.  One of the things that I often did in my prayers was to ask my Father in Heaven to give me the strength or make my burden light, both phrases that we hear in the scriptures as important figures seek the blessings they want and need.  In asking for these things, it felt like there should have been some inexplicable moment and then poof, my issues were gone.   What has changed for me is that I believe that growth is our most important activity here and growth is hard to come by when poof your issues are resolved by heavenly intervention.  While I'm not discounting the times that divine shifts are made on our behalf, I also don't believe that the Lord is going to move mountains that we are meant to climb.  In that spirit, I believe most of our prayers must center around learning, growing, and understanding. I also believe that words matter, what we ask for is what we ask for and we won't be offered something else.  The Bible dictionary touches this point by saying, prayer is part of the process of getting the blessings that our HF is willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them.   So, asking for God to lighten our burden when that burden is the one that will grant us the empathy we need to become something more, He's not going to say, “Well, you asked for your burden to be lightened, so I'll give you something else instead.”  I think the...

I was working with a client this week and he said something that really struck me.   He said, the work that we had been doing made him think that he was less depressed, more hopeful, no longer part of the addict class. This got me thinking.  When I was attending 12 step meetings and saying, “Hi, my name is Zach and I'm a porn addict” the message of being an addict was clear.  Once a porn addict, always a porn addict.  I don't know why this ideology grew up in the 12 step system.  No matter why it's there, being a forever addict seems to be the way that we are encouraged to think about our struggles when it comes to pornography.  It baffles me a little because it would seem to be contrary to everything that the 12 step program would be working toward.   This seemingly contradictory message of being a forever addict while simultaneously participating in a group that has, as its core mission, eliminating an addictive behavior from your life is, I believe one of the reasons 12 step groups fail to succeed and most people fail to actually eliminate their problems within those groups.   Dr. Lance Dodes, author of The Sober Truth, details the evidence in his book, that about 5% of people who participate in 12 step groups are successful at actually eliminating their pornography addiction.  That is, by the way, the same percentage that occurs when you just do the work on your own and just decide to quit.  People who do it without any program, succeed about 5% of the time.  So, in terms of evidence based analysis of successful systems of intervention, 12 step programs are about as likely to help you overcome pornography for good as if you went to no one and did it on your own.   By contrast, Acceptance and Commitment coaching has a 95% success rate at 30 days and 80% at 6 months.  But back to the idea that Once a porn addict, always a porn addict has always been something that I bristled at, even when I was deep in the 12 step ethos.   Why?   I think there are 3 reasons why being a forever addict is not only a bad idea, but it is actually holding you back and keeping you from succeeding at overcoming pornography.  Being an addict reduces your responsibility over your actions. When we use addiction language we are often putting off responsibility for our actions to something outside of us.  For instance, the phrase “I slipped this week and looked at porn.” Which is a phrase I've said and heard countless times.  It sets the locus of control for the actions outside of the person.  It is even self contradictory.  The first part, I slipped, conjures up a sense that some unseen force like gravity pulled me in a direction that I did not choose.  The same as when we say, I slipped on some Ice or I slipped down the mountain.   Gravity, regardless of your choices is taking you in a direction that you are not choosing to go.   But then we say, I looked at porn, which looking is an action we take.   I often ask people, when you view pornography how does it happen?  They tell me things like how they go on their computer or phone, they start with some website or another and after a few minutes they are engaged in viewing pornography.  I have never once, had anyone tell me that someone showed up to their house and chained them to a chair, and made them watch pornography.   We talk like we are out of control, but the reality is that we are making the choices even though we regret them later.   That isn't to say that there isn't compulsion or urging in that direction, because, for most people there is.  But compulsion isn't the same as being out of control and unable to choose.  It is that there are real, strong, and compelling reasons to view...

Hey, this month we are doing a webinar for those who want help overcoming pornography  If you're listening to this podcast and like what you hear, take the next step and come to our webinar on april 20th at 730 mt, there's a link in the show notes or you can go to zachspafford.com/freecall The seed for today's podcast came from a post by a guy named Kris Heap.  in that he equated success to the way that an auction happens.   Everything we do has a price.  In order to achieve desired results in our lives we have to be willing to cover the cost.   We pay those costs in a variety of different ways.  Money Time Energy Effort Discomfort Commitment Willingness Some of those seem synonymous and some of them have varied connotations, but whatever you want to call it, doesn't really matter.  You and everyone you know, pays for what we get.   Darcy's family comes from an amazing history of auctioneers.  What are some of the cool things your grandpa and dad and uncles were part of auctioning off? Darcy- I sent my dad a text and asked him about the most interesting things that he had auctioned.   Hellen Keller - we still have some of her pieces at my parents house, including this Giant Tiger scroll that is in a japanese style Revson Estate - which was the owner of Revlon In their work as auctioneers they saw this happen so many times. As the price of the item goes up, fewer people will seek to put forth the cost of getting the thing they are bidding on.   The true value of the item is revealed based on the amount the people who are bidding are willing to pay for the item.    In our work, people have come to us and tell us that they have a pornography addiction.   Last week I talked about why I don't like using the term pornography addiction, but that is what people tell us, and we are happy to meet them where they are.  In fact, last week we did a poll and about 80% of the people that responded said they felt like they were addicted to pornography or they believed their spouse is.  In a way, that person who is talking to us is placing an opening bid on overcoming their pornography struggle.  When we talk to people they want to know, what is it actually going to take.  That first conversation is the opening bid, and it is a pretty low one.   What's the cost of the conversation? Basically, nothing. A little time. Darcy and I love speaking to people and we love sharing our story, we do it for free in fifth Sunday lessons, zoom meetings like the one that I mentioned earlier, firesides, and in everyday conversations with random people who are impacted by pornography use in their lives.  Each of those conversations is amazing and I think it elevates awareness and possibilities for each person to a new level.  Every time Darcy does a fireside, or speaks to a Sunday school class, she just lights up and is happy for days.  We get an immense amount of joy out of the work we do.  We want you to get an immense amount of joy out of the work we do as well. So, we would like to talk about the transactional cost of overcoming pornography.   If you think back to the auctioneer, only those who are willing to pay the price receive the prize.  That is as true in commerce as it is in our mental and emotional lives.   A contractor, like an auctioneer, often puts out bids to see what people are willing to pay to get their place remodeled.   Remodeling pornogrpahy out of your life is like remodeling your home.  Looking at what is there, deciding you don't like it, and figuring out, what will it take to make my life look the way I want it to.   So, we've put together a cost sheet. An itemized bid, if you will, of...

What is pornography addiction? When I was growing up and as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints anyone who views pornography is essentially labeled as a pornography addict.   I've talked about my experience with the Addiction Recovery Program or ARP that I attended in both Wisconsin and California. I have talked about why I don't believe in the idea that most people are pornography addicts.  In episode 54 I covered in-depth how believing you're an addict is basically a self-fulfilling prophesy that creates more harm than good.  But I want to take a moment and talk about what I believe we mean when we say that we are addicted to porn and how changing the narrative around this pervasive idea will do more good for those who engage in viewing pornography than continuing with the current narrative that they are porn addicts.   As members of the Church, we often talk about pornography in absolute terms.  Either you're addicted or you're sober. Based on the way that I have observed others discuss the issue, being a pornography addict means that you are experiencing arousal while using graphic media. This media depicts the bodies of men or women in any state of dress. They could be fully clothed, wearing bathing suits or standard underwear, all the way up to and including the most graphic sexual imagery.   This is my observation, so, I could be wrong or misperceiving the intent of others as they speak about this.  But, I think, after having spoken openly about pornography for so many years now, I've gathered some sense of the issues.   This definition is problematic, for a few reasons.  First being, this definition is so broad and encompasses so much that it would be hard for anyone who wanted to purchase a nice bathing suit for their spouse not to identify as a pornography addict because they found the swimsuit models attractive.  This definition pathologizes into addiction the sexual arousal of a teen boy (or grown man for that matter) merely noticing the beauty of another person depicted in media.  It makes us bad, simply for seeing something that we might find attractive on some level for some reason.   The problem with that is, as humans, we all experience the reality of noticing the beauty of another person at some point.  I think that most people have even experienced a sense that they might want to have an intimate relationship with someone because of that noticed beauty.   Unfortunately, when we define sexual addiction or pornography addiction in this way, it loads so much meaning onto our shoulders that it becomes nearly impossible to carry in a healthy or meaningful way.   Please don't misunderstand me, I want to be clear, I am not advocating for us to swing all the way to the other side and stop using judgment to determine what appropriate media we want to view in our lives.   But, if we can redefine pornography addiction, in some small way to lighten that burden, I believe that would be the most valuable thing we could do to decrease pornography viewing in the lives of those who struggle.   When we speak about pornography addiction, I think that we are actually talking about experiential avoidance.  I use the term buffering as well, but Experiential avoidance is the term that I think best describes what is really happening.  I've worked with thousands of men and women, individually and in the membership, each of whom started to realize one thing when they dropped the idea that they were addicted to pornography.  What they realized is, that they were avoiding something and pornography was the thing that was helping them do it.  Simple questions like, “what were you feeling in the 5 to 10 minutes before you choose to view pornography?” provide the insight that I needed and...

You can join a free call to overcome your pornography addiction at zachspafford.com/freecall During a coaching session this week my client and I were discussing agency and how language matters in the way that we perceive our struggles and engage with our trials.   As we were talking about pornography we were going over the different ways that we deal with other things that we abstain from.  In particular, beer.  I think i've talked about this on the podcast before, but I'll just touch on it briefly here.  If you want to go into the way you're thinking about things in depth, the membership and individual coaching are great ways to really dig in and actually apply these concepts to your life.   Most of us have been offered a beer in our lives.  When I worked for an insurance company, I even had a coworker tell me that he was going to get me to drink as if it was a badge of honor.  To be fair, we lived in Wisconsin at the time which has a deep tradition and culture of drinking.  It is the home of a number of major breweries and Milwaukee, the biggest city, has more bars per person than any other city in the country.  Basically, drinking beer is a way of life in Wisconsin.  Totally unrelated to this story, two fun facts, In Wisconsin, you can take your 12 year old to the bar with you and they will serve them beer if the parent consents and your first seven drunk driving offenses were misdomeners until just recently.  That's how big beer is in WI.   In that interaction with my coworker, I was polite and happy to banter with him, but I wasn't going to drink a beer with him.  I would say things like, I don't drink and that's just not something for me.   As he pressed me, saying “oh, you're not allowed to drink because your church says so.”  I found myself double-checking my reasons for not drinking.  It was never really in doubt, it was simply a check at my core of why it was that I had never had a beer.   I didn't feel like I wasn't allowed to drink.  I didn't feel like my church would cast me off if I did.  I didn't feel like my wife would be upset and leave me if I had a beer. (some of you may remember that Darcy joined the church as a teen and her family aren't members)   It came down to this. I felt like I could drink a beer with this coworker if I wanted.  But I didn't want to and so I choose not to. It was my choice. It wasn't something I wasn't allowed.  So, I simply said, I could drink, I just choose not to.  As I was coaching my client we were talking about agency, which is essential to our ability to own and make decisions. I talk about agency in-depth in my first episode Agency and Addictive behaviors and episode 82 Easter, the Atonement, and Agency, I would highly recommend you go back and listen to those episodes and get a sense of how agency works.   As we were discussing his sense of whether he was choosing this and how agency plays into the way we act, he said, “I found that if I say, I'm never going to do this again, it puts the decisions into such a big picture that it's hard to make choices from that long term [perspective].”  I don't know if you are hearing this the way that I did in that moment.  But it was a profound lesson for me.  It was this lightbulb moment that made my conversations with my coworker make more sense about who I was and how retaining our agency is such an essential tool that any time we become rigid and inflexible in our sense of what we will and won't do, begin to lose our agency and we begin to lose the battle of our choices.   When someone has asked me why I can't drink, I've always said, “I can, but I choose not to”. I don't intend to ever drink, I don't think I ever will.  But, I've also retained my agency, even while saying no thanks to alcohol.  I didn't say, “I'll never drink” I

Real quick, before we get too far, I have a free masterclass for anyone who wants to overcome pornography forever.  https://www.zachspafford.com/freecall (https://www.zachspafford.com/freec)https://www.zachspafford.com/freeclass (all) Here you'll learn how you can overcome pornography forever. I want to talk about why it may be that you are not telling your partner about your pornography struggle.   You may be one who always tells your partner. There are a lot of reasons that I believe this is the best course of action in the long run. The biggest reason that I believe this is the best is that it allows your partner to actually know you. What I mean by this is, when you tell your partner what goes on for you when you are alone with yourself, they get a real sense of who you are and can more fully make decisions about how they want to choose you or even reject parts of you that they don't like.    You might not like the idea of being rejected. But I can tell you from personal experience, being rejected from an open and vulnerable position, rather than being validated from a dishonest position is more valuable to your development as a person and your process of leaving behind pornography. Being validated or told you are enough or good or loved from a dishonest, hiding position, leaves us with even greater guilt and possibly shame over not being who we say we are and our partner even more confused about who we really are.    Speaking of who we are, telling your partner about your pornography activity allows you to live with greater integrity. There are two meanings for integrity that are important here.    The first is living with greater truthfulness.  Think of it this way. Would you rather get hired after telling your employer that you have a certificate or diploma you do not, only to look over your shoulder for the rest of the time you work there and live in dishonesty? Or be rejected by that same employer, with the knowledge that you have been honest, earn the respect of the employer and come back stronger later when you've actually gotten what you need to be employable?   The second is living in a more integrated way with the person you are when you are alone and when you are with others. Your private self is more fully integrated with your public self.   So, even though we may suffer rejection in the short term, as I spoken about on the podcast before, we earn greater trust with our partner and with ourselves that we are being who we say we are, even if we are not yet living up to our moral standards around pornography.    This is about the aggregation of marginal gains. Getting a little better here, even at a cost, is going to help us succeed at overcoming pornography for good.    Now you may not feel like it is worthwhile to tell your partner and they may have told you not to tell them. That is between you and them. I am simply offering my very real sense of what has made the most difference for me as I have overcome pornography personally.   Those are the reasons for telling your partner. What, then, might be keeping you from telling your significant other about your pornography struggles?  One may be that you promised that you would never do it again and you will admit that you've failed.    Let's talk about that for just a moment. First, if you have not promised that you would never look at pornography again to someone else, I would shy away from that idea. If you are going to be having this conversation with someone else, you want to set yourself up for success. The first thing you'll want to recognize about the promise to never look at pornography again is, it is very unlikely that you will be able to avoid pornography for the rest of your life no matter what you do. I...

If you're anything like me, in your quest to eliminate pornography, you probably have tried to eliminate everything.  You might have gotten rid of your phone, blocked all the apps, given over your access code to someone else, tried avoiding certain shops at the mall, not gone to the beach.  Those are the physical things.  Mentally and emotionally, you might have tried to eliminate urges, run from your emotions, suppressed your sex drive, and generally worked to stop feeling, sensing, or thinking about anything to do with pornography or sexuality.  In all the avoiding you've done, I want you to just think for a moment and ask yourself, has it really helped?   What I mean is, has it helped you become the person you want to be?  Has it helped you grow and love and triumph in your life?   If you are anything like me, or any of my clients, the answer is very likely, no.   I'll admit, each of those techniques, may have helped you succeed at distancing yourself from your last pornography session. They may have been helpful in slowing down the number of times each week, month, or year that you turn to pornography.   But, there is a good chance, that if you've been suppressing your life to avoid pornography, you've been suppressing your happiness and growth on the way.  In Acceptance and Commitment Coaching, there is an idea called experiential avoidance, which is about utilizing certain methods, processes, or techniques, to avoid the real and sometimes unpleasant experiences of our lives.   The problem with experiential avoidance is that when we avoid the bad, we are also avoiding the amazing, wonderful, and deeply joyful experiences of our lives.  Here's what I mean.   If I suppress my emotions so that I don't feel sexual in order to avoid pornography drawing me in, I also am suppressing my wholly appropriate and deep desire to be intimate with my wife.  As a result, there is a good chance that something will give eventually.   It may be that my suppression will work for a time, but will power always runs out and then what happens?  What has happened to you when you've pushed down the feelings and temptations for a long time?   An analogy that I like to use is that of a beach ball at the pool.  If you've ever tried to push a beach ball under the water, you've found that you can control it as long as you concentrate on it.  As long as you manage it actively.  But, eventually, your mind may wander, you may become distracted, you may have to deal with something and boom - out of the water blasts the beach ball.  Our emotions, feelings, and urges are like that.  In trying to avoid them, we push them under until there is a moment when we no longer have the capacity to control them.   That is what experiential avoidance looks like.  We avoid certain experiences for as long as we can and then they overtake us and overwhelm us and we lose control.  In addition to losing control, we've also lost out on so many beautiful, amazing, experiences that can enrich our lives and help us feel the fulfillment we have been seeking.  Imagine being at the pool and spending your entire time focused on pushing that beach ball under the water and keeping it there.  When others offer to play a game, you'll be busy.  When someone wants to engage in meaningful conversation, you'll be distracted.  When your family wants to grab a quick picture with you, you'll be somewhere else.  As I'm writing this, it occurs to me that there were moments when I would take my eye off the ball, like Christmas or birthdays or vacations and I found that I gave in to my urge to engage with pornography.  I would become engaged in the everyday life events and make mistakes in my quest...

If you are ready to take your knowledge and understanding to the next level, join the Self Mastery Membership at zachspafford.com/workwithme Hey, everybody, and welcome to another beautiful mastery Monday here on the Self Mastery podcast. I'm your host, Zach Spafford. Listen, I got something for you guys. I'm here to help you overcome pornography. You guys know that right? I just want to let you know that there's some stuff that's gonna change. That's all. I'm not going to tell you what it is right now. But I'm going to tell you something a little bit later in this podcast. But these last few weeks have been a great deep dive into how you can really begin to move past pornography by not just focusing on pornography, but focusing on how you can become the person you want to be. By the way, I just want to thank all of you who have written in and said how much this has helped you. That's kind of awesome, actually, that you guys are like, hey, you know what, this changed my life. So thank you for sending that in to me. If you have a second, just take a moment and write a review that helps people find us and all of this great content, more than anything else you could do. You know, share it, obviously, with as many people as you can, but writing reviews helps people find this. So please do that. Many of you know that I am all about an evidence based approach to Overcoming Pornography. You've probably listened to my episode about how pornography is not an addiction and the book by Dr. Lance Dodes, you may know Cam Staley, who is a PhD researcher out of the University of Idaho, a really great guy, quite like him. You are probably thinking, okay, yes, we know that you like evidence. So not only do I have the evidence from my own journey that I've shared with you, one of the components of my coaching to Overcoming Pornography is based in Acceptance and Commitment coaching, I call it ACC, which comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Now, I'm not a therapist, but I have studied the techniques and processes and systems that have helped 1000s of men and women and their pornography struggle. And I've done it myself, like, this is not pie in the sky. This is not, hey, you know what, let me tell you a theory, and I will help you figure it out. That's not it. This is real life. This is my journey. You are like, Yeah, I need somebody who's been there. You know, I always talk about I have an MBA, and I've been in business for a long time, before I became a coach, I, I was an insurance and I loved it. And I did some other things that add some great, cool stuff. And I always think about, who's the guy that I would come to, who's the person that I would go to, if I needed help running my business. I would not even go to a Yale or a Harvard School Business School professor, I would go to a guy who's actually lived the process. Some of you guys know Gary Vee, cool guy, I listen to his stuff, I don't listen to a guy who works for Harvard. I don't, because I want to know what it looks like to actually be in the trenches. And that's why I use ACC. And the coaching that I do is based in both my real life experience and acceptance and commitment, coaching. And then Acceptance and Commitment coaching, there's a principle called the choice point. It is one of the key principles of ACC that I use in the membership, which has been closed now to members to new members for a little bit, a little while. But I will tell you this, this month, I'm launching a new platform that will make it so you can download a single app and get all the great content on your phone. So I'm looking forward to it. And when it's ready, I will open up the membership to anybody who wants to join. So keep an eye out for that. When I talk about choice point, though, I want to go back to choice point because that's really the point of what we're talking about. I want you to imagine a narrow, long...

Differentiation – enmeshment Meaning frames - Disorganization - Reorganizing with integrity Self-confrontation – other confrontation Self-validation – other validation Self-disclosure - Self-presentation = Intimacy p 102-103 This month has been a real deep dive.  It has included a lot of really meaningful topics and subjects that I have tried to make as understandable as possible.    We started with looking at our meaning frames and how disorganizing it can be to have them shattered by our partner not living up to the understandings that we have about pornography viewing in our relationships. Next, we moved on to the process of confronting ourselves and our partner in loving and meaningful ways that can help us reorganize ourselves into more integrated people.  The following week, we discussed how we are extracting validation from our partners, how we can stop doing that, and how we can become more self-validating through some of the work we discussed in the previous weeks.   Last week we talked about disclosure and the ways in which we present ourselves to others in order to manage their beliefs and ideas around who we are.   This is the last episode of the series.  Here we are going to explore enmeshment, differentiation, and the process of becoming a whole person who can also be a good partner without the need for someone to function for us.  One of the biggest struggles that I think most marriages have is the issue of how much we fold into each other.  What I'm talking about here is the amount of enmeshment and conformity that occurs when we become a couple.  What this might look like is, a need to have the same opinion on important issues.  It might look like, one partner over functioning while the other partner under functions, which can be flipped in certain circumstances.  This also looks like some of the requirements we have that our partner reflect our sense of who we are back to us.  Rather than holding up a mirror to who we are as we discussed in the self-confrontation/other-confrontation episode.  In the process of creating intimacy that is built out of the validation of others, we often move along nicely together, until one day everything gets stuck or snaps and we find ourselves and our relationship in a moment of crisis.  It might be a small crisis. It might be a big crisis.  In the case of a pornography struggle, this is often a pretty big crisis.   Where we have spouses saying things like darcy did to me, “if you don't get this under control, this is the end of our relationship.” In part, this is occurring Because the meaning-framework that we brought to the marriage is insufficient to hold onto the reality of the situation (that one partner is viewing pornography and pornography is destructive so our marriage is in jeopardy and so is my sense of self) in the face of the pain that is occurring through the rejection that the other partner is feeling.   When we have crises points like this in our lives there are basically 3 ways that we can deal with it. Here we are again leaning heavily on dr David schnarch's book, passionate marriage.  I. The first is to either violate yourself by folding into their demands on you or violating your partner by requiring them to fold into your demands of how things must be.   In this scenario, I think a lot of women and partners of those viewing pornography feel totally justified.  Part of our culture and part of our moral code demands that pornography never be part of the equation ever or it will destroy.  So making this demand that your partner violate themselves to simply behave the way you need them to behave so you can be enough for them sexually regardless of what that looks like is pretty much ok with in LDS...

We live in a world that is really good at presenting itself to us in ways that are designed to get our appr   oving likes, hearts, shares, and follows.   In talking about the ways that we use other-validated intimacy last week, we began to understand what it is and how we might be working to get it from others.   We didn't really talk about why that might be a problem.   Relationships built on other-validation create cycle of self-presentation for validation, which eventually breaks down when one or more of the people involved don't want to play the game any more.   There have been a number of scandals over the years of influencers doing work that wasn't quite real or genuine in an effort to gain more social media currency.  They are putting forward a picture of themselves that is not real in an effort to be seen as more than what they really are.   They fake houses, cars, vacations, and other status symbols so that those who follow them believe in the person's success regardless of its truth in the real world.  They present a picture of themselves as something they are not when they are alone with themselves.   As a pornography user, this is exactly what I did to my wife and what she did to me.  I would present to her a reality that wasn't a reflection of who I was when I was alone with my inner thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.   I was presenting myself to my partner by not telling her how I felt.  I was not real with what was going on for me.  I was actively trying to manage her impressions of me, how she felt about me, and her anxiety around the difficult subjects in our life.  I would do this by not sharing difficult situations at work.  I would do this by not showing her that I was stressed, I would say I was tired or something else instead.  I would find ways to avoid her when I had looked at pornography.  I would lie about my pornography use.  I would tell myself that she couldn't handle it.  I would tell myself that I was only hurting myself and that she didn't need to know.   I was presenting a picture of who I was to Darcy in order to keep her “happy” or “Safe” or to get her to like me.  When the reality was, I wasn't the person I was saying I was.   D - Sometimes I would have sex when I really didn't want to. I would be more sexual to try and compete with the porn that you were using.  I would act like everything was fine when they weren't.   This, in turn, created a great deal of anxiety for me.  It made me constantly nervous and anxious about our future and my ability to care for Darcy. It left me lonely and alone in very real ways.   Which, incidentally, were my biggest emotions that I was trying to escape.  And were some of the main reasons I would turn to pornography.  So, in self-presenting to Darcy, curating the image she had of me, especially the false parts of it, I created a lack of intimacy.  I removed intimacy from our lives.  I made it so she was not able to track honesty and openness in me.  Which was the very thing she would tell you that she wanted.   She wanted to know me, but she was also scared of who I actually was in meaningful ways.   What was that like for you? D – I wanted to know you as far as it made me feel ok.  but when it came to you, when it made me not feel ok, I didn't like it.  So, in a very real sense I was helping create an environment that encouraged Zach to self-present.  Which is not the same as making him do it.  He was still very much responsible for his own actions.  It's important to understand that this is not an excuse for us to...

The concept of validation is not a complicated one, but it is a huge part of how we show up in our lives and how we can understand how to better feel the love that we want for ourselves.   The way we seek validation will also help us understand how pornography has been playing a part in our self soothing process.  I am going to lean on Dr. David Schnarch's book “Passionate Marriage” for the definitions of these two concepts and then we are going to talk about what they mean in the context of pornography and marriage.  Other-validated intimacy involves the expectation of acceptance, empathy, validation, or reciprocal disclosure from our partner.   Self validated intimacy relies on a person maintaining their own sense of identity and self-worth when disclosing, with no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity from their partner.  our capacity for self-validated intimacy is directly related to our level of our ability to maintain a clear sense of ourselves when our loved ones are pressuring us to conform to their views, wants, or expressed desires.  It is the tangible product of our relationship with ourself.   So, let's talk about other-validated intimacy and how that might be keeping you from being successful in eliminating a pornography habit.  When we expect our partner to give back to us as much or more than we are giving them, we are engaging in what Dr. David Glover calls in his book, “No more Mr. Nice Guy” a covert contract.  This is our way of trying to get our partner to tell us that we are enough for them.  I used to do this all the time with foot rubs and back rubs for Darcy.  When I wanted her to reciprocate with sex or love I would do things for her to make it so she was supposed to give back to me.  I also did this with things like house work.  I would do everything so I could take off her plate any excuses she might have for saying no to me later.   I did this so she would validate me with sex.   This covert contract was about expecting something from her that she was not offering freely because she wanted to give it.  D – and when he would do this I would …. Tell your feelings about this here.  D – Give an example of how you would seek validation from me.  –  we never talk – this was a regular refrain, even when we had spent all day together the previous day.  I was seeking for Zach to tell me I was enough, accepted.  What we are doing when we seek other-validated intimacy is asking our partner to manage our sense of whether or not we are OK.   One of the reasons, that I believe men and women turn to pornography is that there is nothing we can't ask for that won't be given in that space.  It is almost a total free for all.  It is self-gratifying and other-validating, even when those others are not present physically, mentally, or even willingly.   This is just an idea that occurs to me, but it makes sense, at least from one position.  Pornography validates us regardless of how we feel and regardless of whether we are acting with integrity.  When we deal with real people, in real time, over real issues, we are constantly at risk of being rejected.   This is one of the central things that I believe makes pornography so appealing on a different level than just aroused by it.  Pornography never rejects us.  It never says that what we want is not available.  It never says, “I'm not comfortable doing that” or “I'm tired, can we just snuggle” or “I'm upset with the way you treated me” This is a counterfeit other-validation that is available at the tips of our fingers at all hours of the day and night.   Whereas, to be self-validated and to have self-validated intimacy,...

Part two of our 5 part series on Love and what it looks like to really be lovable, loving, and to love one's self.  David schnarch talks about self confrontation and other confrontation Engage with our behavoirs in a meaningful way from an objective place.  One of the keys to love is the capacity to confront who we are.  Now, this isn't to say that you aren't inherently loved or lovable.  But, there is an element of growth that seems to be required for each of us to love ourselves.  I think one of the keys to loving yourself is having a sense that you are growing and leaning in into the discomfort of becoming more than what you are now.   It also requires that we hear the truthful parts of what others are able to observe and point out to us.   This is a skill that requires a capacity to not just endure the discomfort of the process of confronting who you are, but even to lean into that discomfort.   So, let's just take a moment to define what it means to self confront and be confronted by others in ways that are growth and love promoting.  The process of confronting your behavior is simple but can be difficult to face if you are unwilling to be objective about what is going on and your worth in relation to what is going on.  In order to self confront, you'll need to see your behavior clearly and objectively.  Meaning that you fully understand or are seeking to fully understand what you are doing.  This is as simple as acknowledging what the behavior is by describing it dispassionately, and without layering in judgments that you might be using to beat yourself up with. Darcy and I were talking to a couple who we've been coaching and one of their experiences recently was a conversation in which the husband let his spouse know that he had viewed pornography.  As they discussed the situation, the husband became more and more distraught, in a sense, to convey how much he was not pleased with his own behavior.  He worked to manage his wife's experience of his actions by being more upset about the situation than she was.   This is an example of not being clear and objective about your behavior.  That's not to say there is no room for passionate discourse or even deeply felt emotions.  It is to say, managing our partner is not part of clearly acknowledging where you are.  It is hard to be objective about what is going on when you are working to manage others' feelings.   So how do we engage with an internal process of evaluating our behaviors?  We go into this in the membership, which you can join anytime by going to zachspafford.com and there are workbooks that you can use in there to really get in deep on this   .   But first you'll want to start by recognizing that the high emotions are sometimes ways of .  Often, we want to hold our ground and defend where we are because it feels safer than confronting our actions openly.   Second, you'll need to be objective about what that behavior's outcomes are, how they are impacting you, and how they might be impacting those around you. You can do this by being willing to look downstream from where you are and acknowledging the results in the eyes of others and even acknowledging the effects you've been working to ignore or hide from.   Many of us do this well in other parts of our lives.  For instance, at work you might be really good at looking downstream and seeing what the effects are.  But when it comes to your relationship with your partner or yourself, it is not uncommon to be unwilling to see what we're doing based on the way it will end up later.   I know, for me, darcy and I were having a discussion in the shower just a couple of nights ago and she was pointing something out to me, something that I didn't want to see.  At that...

The path to greater freedom. Four part series.   For the month of february we are going to talk about Love - but not in the way that you think… This month, love is going to be about our capacity for great freedom if we are willing to love and be loved through the process of understanding some concepts that you may not be familiar with.  We are going to talk about How to use these concepts to improve your ability to love and feel loved by others will be a central focus of our conversations around these concepts. Our goal is to help you choose yourself and be able to choose your partner.   A lot of you listen to this podcast in order to move past a pornography struggle.  Each of these concepts is fundamental to the integrative process of becoming the person you want to be who doesn't turn to pornography.   Darcy - For those of you who have a partner who struggles with pornography each of these concepts is just as fundamental for you to work through in order to create the dynamic that you want to create.  They will help you engage with your partner around their pornography struggle and show up as the person you want to be in all of your life, not just your family's pornography struggle.   Zach - These are the topics we are going to cover over the next 5 weeks. Meaning frames - Disorganization - Reorganizing with integrity  Meaning frames are the way we look at the world in order to make it make sense to us.  In each relationship we have, we create meaning frames that help us determine the way we are to act when we are alone, engage with others in our lives, and assure our place within a group.   Many of our meaning frames are built into our theology and are perpetuated by our family of origin.  For instance, in my household, when I was growing up and as I have become and grown in adulthood, my meaning frames have referenced the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This meaning frame has given me a way to interpret the realities of life in ways that serve me and my family and help me make sense of the life I lead. We all have meaning frames that we bring into our relationships that help us manage our life through lenses that provide meaning and value.   In most LDS homes, pornography viewing is seen through a meaning frame of it being always destructive, personally, professionally, and theologically.  This makes pornography an always off limits type of behavior.   Those who engage with it, then find themselves deeply ashamed of their actions.   Darcy - The family, especially the wives of those who engage with pornography, find themselves just as deeply ashamed of the pornography use for different reasons.  Including the idea that “I am not enough” if he uses that behavior to entertain himself, self soothe, or escape his emotions.   Zach  - Either way, the meaning frames we bring to our relationships are the lens we use to help us see the behaviors and realities of our lives.   Each meaning frame that we have does at least one thing for us.  It gives us a way to see the world on a given topic.   What this looks like can often be a black and white way of viewing a behavior that can isolate us or others because we are not conforming properly to that meaning frame.  When we encounter someone who is not properly conformed to the meaning frame we have and that we assumed they shared is a disorganization of thought and meaning.  Darcy, what went on for you when you found out that I was viewing pornography? Darcy -  Talk about how you thought I was one thing only to find out that I was someone else. And how that threw your whole sense of self and sense of me into disarray.   What does that mean about my family?  What about our salvation?  What else might he be...

If you are looking for help in eliminating pornography from your marriage, this podcast is for you. Zach and Darcy Spafford helped Eric and Jackie overcome pornography in their marriage. Visit zachspafford.com to set up your 30 minuter consult with Zach or Darcy.

For a lot of my life I had a very real sense that I was not very important in my family.  As the 4th child in a family of five, early on I observed my needs as being secondary to those of my older siblings or my parents or my little sister.   This is just the way things work in large families and small families.  The truth is that every child, as they grow up, experiences things that create narratives that they internalize as their reality of who they are.   For me, one of the things that I felt and struggled with was this sense that I was not enough to merit someone paying attention to me and spending the time with me that I wanted them to spend.   It really didn't matter what I was doing or how successful I was in sports, drama, or school my parents were busy and, in my mind at least, didn't show up as often as I thought they should.  This perception, whether it was true or not, helped my forming mind create a sense that I was not enough.   This affected the relationship that I have with Darcy and how pornography helped soothe me through parts of our life.  On the 94 freeway headed north as we left the Chicago temple when Darcy and I were first married Darcy made a comment about my driving.  I reacted in a way that was not kind, was not safe, and not how I would want to show up in the rest of my life. I got upset, angry with her characterization of my driving.  I felt like I was being attacked for doing my best and that no matter what I did, it would never be enough.  Fast forward maybe 15 years, heading south from a trip up to Salt Lake, Darcy made another comment about my driving. Again, upset, frustrated, and defensive I proceeded to let Darcy know that I didn't think her characterization of my driving was fair.  After all, I was doing my best and clearly, she didn't appreciate everything I do to make her life happy, safe, and stable.   I was, once again, not enough.  You might have similar stories, your stories might differ in details, but feel the same.  One of the reasons that I turned to to pornography was it's extraordinary ability to bring me to a place where I was always enough.  In the world of pornography, you can be with any woman, regardless of your talent, abilities, or money.  In the world of pornography, the women you are with are willing to do anything with, for, and because of you.  They want you, the same way you want them.  You don't have to prove you're a good match, capable of caring for them and your children.  You don't even have to know anything about them, and they want you.  Being wanted, unconditionally the way pornography makes you feel is possible is a powerful sensation.  In the world of pornography, you are always enough, for as long as you can make the fantasy last.   After that second driving incident, Darcy and I met with our friend Dr. Larry Bradley.  In that session, he mentioned two things that have made a significant difference in our lives.  He helped me see that I was carrying around this idea that I wasn't enough and that I can never do enough to please the people in my life.  He also helped Darcy that the narrative that she learned for herself was that “I'm not lovable.”   So, just to re-clarify.  This isn't a story about how bad our parents were or how they didn't do enough for us and how we are damaged beyond repair and it's all their fault.  What Darcy and I experienced is a normal process that young minds go through to understand and manage their expectations in the world they are presented with.  What we had to do, and continue to do in our marriage and lives, is become aware of how our brains were offering us a narrative that we weren't good enough and that was hindering our long-term...

If you are looking to end a pornography struggle and don't know where to turn, then this podcast is for you. In this episode you'll learn 3 keys that you can use to leave pornography behind. zachspafford.com Episode 123 –  100k downloads Scholarships as a thank you to JFF as we mentioned last episode – follow us on Instagram so you see the link for the application This month in the membership we are talking about Porn is not The problem.   This Christmas had a note from eric and Jackie – we did a client interview with them episode 62 in nov 2020, they are doing so well.  If you want to go back to that one and listen, you'll get an idea of the amzing changes that can come to your life working with darcy and I They are such an amazing couple.  They just messaged us in dec and that were doing super well.   One of the things that we got over Christmas was one of those Chinese finger traps.  You know, the ones that you can put your fingers into and then once your fingers are in there, if you pull they get trapped.   And for a really good one of those, the harder you pull the tighter it grips you. This year as all of us are setting goals and laying out resolutions we really need to take time to recognize that a lot of these goals can be like that Chinese finger trap.  The more we resist and fight with what we don't want in our lives, the more that thing grips and holds on to us.   The only way to get out of them is to lean into back into the trap and release its hold.  It is a lot like a snare used for catching rabbits.  So, what does that look like when it comes to pornography and other unwanted habits.  Much like the finger trap, the more you resist your unwanted habit, the more it seems to be a struggle to get away from it.  Simply put, if you are going to get away from this trap you are going to need to see what it is that you need to lean into, to start allowing that habitual trap to loosen up and let you walk free.  1 To do this you'll need first to recognize that you have a response ability.  You have the ability to respond to the underlying reason that you have been turning to this habit.   Learn what those reasons are.  Ask yourself, why am I using this habit to avoid my life? Most of the people I work with find that the reason they are using an unwanted habit to avoid their life or buffer is that they feel uncomfortable. This comes in a variety of ways, including the regular, if unpleasant emotions of loneliness, being tired, stressed, frustrated, entitled, and any other negative emotion you can name.  Once you learn what the underlying reason is for your habit, you can now begin to exercise your response ability.   Respond to that emotion differently.  In my membership we work on a variety of techniques to do this, including simple meditations, but no matter what you do, experimenting to respond to that emotion differently really needs to include leaning into it and allowing it to exist without resistance.  2 Then next thing you need to do is not freak out if it doesn't work perfectly the first time.   Like an animal caught in a snare, the freak out is the think that keeps you trapped.   When mistakes are made, create an honest, open dialogue with your partner that can help you see the situation for what it is.  And learn from what happened.   When we catastrophize and act as though we will never be free from this behavior, we really do get snared and trapped.   3 finally, this last thing that you can do, rather than set goals that might be Chinese finger traps, let's re-view our values, reassess how they fit into our lives, and reprioritize them as we see fit.   In...

The Self Mastery Podcast is dedicated to helping Latter-day Saints overcome pornography. Men and women struggle with overcoming pornography. This podcast draws on the real-life experiences of the hosts, Zach and Darcy in their struggle to overcome pornography, strengthen their marriage, and grow personally. If you want to know what real success looks like in overcoming pornography from real people who have been where you are, then this podcast is for you. The interviews with real clients who have succeeded, the amazing skills, techniques, and systems that are shared, and the real-world experiences of the hosts make this the number one podcast for Latter-day Saints looking to overcome pornography. If you are ready to take your knowledge and understanding to the next level, join the Self Mastery Membership at zachspafford.com/workwithme

In this episode we discuss the accountability app question of one of my clients and help him come to a place where he is living his best life without pornography. If you have struggled with pornography and are ready to quit, this is the podcast for you. Porn affects so many men and women and now you have a way to quit for good and forever. Come listen to Zach and, when you are ready, sign up for his once a year Group Coaching by clicking https://zachspafford.securechkout.com/group-apply (HERE.) Overcome porn for good in your life and become the man or woman you want to be in 2022! Check us out at zachspafford.com

zachspafford.com/thestuff If you would like to start your year off amazingly, come be part of our only group coaching of 2022.

Talking about being at rock bottom? This podcast gives you a really simple place to start climbing out if you are looking to overcome pornography. If you are looking to eliminate an unwanted porn habit, this is the podcast for you. Learn more at zachspafford.com

This Bonus Episode is just for your teens who are struggling to quit pornography. Joey Mascio is a Certified Life Coach who specializes in teens becoming awesome. Check out the amazing work course Joey and I put together at TeensQuitPorn.com You can also check out Joey's work at firmlyfounded.com

This week during one of my coaching sessions my client said to me, “how do I keep up my motivation so I don't keep going back to pornography and how do I choose an important enough why that will keep me motivated?” This question is one that I think a lot of people struggle with, so I wanted to take some time and talk about the differences between the ways that we approach problems and how we might be approaching our struggles with pornography in ways that aren't helping us ultimately succeed.  I'm going to touch on 4 different concepts, how they might help and how they might keep you from succeeding if you utilize them too heavily without other key elements.  Let's talk about Motivation, Our Why, Habits, and Who we are.  I'll start with Motivation.  Which I like to think of as synonymous with willpower.  This is a pretty common way of thinking about a problem.  First, we encounter a problem and then we find some motivation that helps us overcome that problem until it is finally gone.  When it comes to short-term and long-term,  external problems, this is often a really good course of action.  Take school or work for example.  External problems can be broken into a variety of short-term, solvable, puzzles that once they are overcome fade into the distance.  This is why motivation works.  We don't have to sustain a long-term, near-permanent grasp on the problem.  We simply need to go through the maze of struggle until we get to the exit and then we can move on to the next problem.  This is like setting a goal and when that goal is accomplished we no longer focus on the goal.   I once did a weight loss challenge at work with my co-workers.  I kept telling myself that these were permanent changes that I was making and that I would never look back.  Immediately after winning that challenge I stopped eating healthy and went back to being the same person i was before.  I was no longer focused on a goal, my willpower had run out, and my motivation (the money) had long been spent.    So, it is much easier to have motivation on a short-term project, issue, or goal because we can use willpower and motivation to see it through to the end.  Where we get lost is in thinking that willpower and motivation are enough to overcome an internally motivated feedback loop.  In their book, change anything, the authors describe willpower as a trap.  In their studies of children who were offered tempting items to purhcase after they had just been given cash for going through a series of steps that were presented as the experiment. In reality the experiment was what would the kids do with their money.   they demonstrate that willpower is not the main determining factor in whether the kids buy.   Motivation and willpower are easily manipulated it turns out. Where the kids who succeeded in keeping their earnings was more based on A set of skills learned along the way that the kids could draw on when the temptations arose.  Skill, not willpower or motivation determined whether they bought overpriced trinkets for the thrill of the purchase, or simply said, “i'll save my money for later.” Many of you have said, after a particularly difficult patch, “this is the last time. I'll never go back to that.” You found yourself motivated and full of willpower.  A year later or less, without having changed your skill level your willpower has run out and the brightness of your motivation has faded until you give in again.   Let's take a look at the Why? Simon Senik talks about this a lot with corporations and I do think there are applications in personal life as well.  In his most famous example, Simon talks about the reason we all buy apple products when there are more affordable and often, more functional products out there.  ...

When I meet with a client for the first time during one of my free consults, I often hear this question asked in a variety of ways.   “Is this going to help me eliminate my pornography struggle?“ What they are usually looking for is a confirmation that the work I do with people is going to be the very last thing they need to solve their pornography struggle.  My standard answer is, “I don't know if this is the last thing you need to know or just the next thing that you need to know. But everyone who struggles needs to know what I teach.” So, let me tell you guys what I do that helps people solve their pornography struggle in a way that sets them up for success.  I want to start by saying that if you keep working at it, you aren't failing, you are succeeding.  The process I teach is a simple one that uses the techniques I've learned from the life coach school and the CTFAR model that was developed by Booke Castillo and Acceptance and Commitment Coaching developed by Steven C. Hayes Within those two systems, I help people learn how to solve for pornography with a variety of skills that I teach in three different settings.  The three coaching settings that I have right now starts with individual coaching, where you and I work together for about 6 months and we focus on your individual needs.  I teach and coach you alone during 12, 30-minute sessions.  This gives us a thread of work to follow and a lot of people see their best work happen during these sessions.   The second way that I get people moving in the right direction, is with my coaching membership.  The coaching membership includes 4 open coaching calls each month, 2 for men and 2 for women. This usually breaks down along the lines of people struggling with Pornography and their wives, but that is not always the case.  There are a number of women who participate in the women's calls that also struggle with pornography.  In this setting, I coach along with Darcy on the women's calls and we help those who volunteer to be coached to get a different perspective on where they are and how they can move forward.   The third way I help people is, once a year, I set up a group coaching program.  If you're a part of my mailing list, you will have gotten a coupon code to join that for 55% off this year.  In the group coaching program, we get together weekly and coach just those in the group.  Many of whom go on to be highly successful in their path away from their pornography struggle.  If you want to learn more about how each of those work, feel free to set up a consult with me by going to zachspafford.com/workwithme.  Or you can just email me at info@zachspafford.com So the next thing that you'll want to know is, what do I teach.   A lot of the things I teach are things I teach on this podcast.   There are also some that I don't teach on the podcast.   That said, one of the main things that I teach is to become aware of the thoughts and feelings that are going on for you.  I teach you how to become more aware and how to use that awareness to improve your ability to make the decisions that you want.  I also teach you some really important things that your brain is doing, like, the motivational triad, confirmation bias, and feeling good in ambiguity among other things.   These simple things that your brain does automatically, are part of the reason that pornography has such a powerful draw.  Understanding how they work and what they do in your life that is helpful and not helpful is an ally in the process of retraining your responses to improve your outcomes when it comes to pornography. Being aware and understanding how your brain works give you a base to start from.  Add that to skills designed specifically to deal with urges,...

This week Darcy and I discuss the talk given by Brad Wilcox in General Conference. It struck us as exactly the right tone to take with our own processes of eliminating pornography from our lives. If you have struggled with pornography and are working to quit, then this is the podcast for you. Check us out at zachspafford.com.

The cue, response, reward system of habit creation can also be used to intervene when our habits don't align with who we want to be. Here is a simple process that you can use every time to intervene when your brain offers you the chance to view pornography. If you are looking to eliminate an unwanted porn habit, this is the podcast for you. Learn more at zachspafford.com