Be the Change in Your Marriage

Reclining theatre seats, a tub of popcorn (which I usually dump a pack of peanut m&ms into- rapture!) and the Barbie movie with my home girls! (My mom, daughter and one friend

Insights from an excerpt of THE 80/80 MARRIAGE by Nate Klemp PH.D. and Kaley Klemp Every so often (with about the frequency that someone besides you replaces the toilet paper roll), a certain turn of phrase is able to shift the dusty cumbersome furniture in your well-entrenched mind parlor, revealing something your innermost being has always known which had but awaited the illumination of your recognition, much like the opulent treasures concealed within Tutankhamun's tomb had awaited centuries to be unveiled. Such was the case when I read the following quote by Gay Hendricks: “In all times and in every way, we are getting exactly what we're committed to getting.”  Wait. Whaaaaaat? (In conjunction with the brilliant commentary of Nate and Kaley Klemp in their excellent book, THE 80/80 MARRIAGE…) There's no way I'm committed to getting no understanding or warmth from my husband and no help around the house! Perhaps not. But taking responsibility is the ONLY POSITION OF POWER.  You'll get the greatest results in love and life when you adopt the uncomfy view that you are responsible for the results you've gotten so far.   Look.  I don't believe that every rotten thing that has happened to you is your fault, or that you need to spend any time beating yourself up over your mistakes.  Nor do I want you to assume responsibility to the effect that you feel paralyzed by the overwhelming size of it.  What would be the point of that?  But what if you took a curious, loving yet detached look at the aspects of your life you're disappointed about and said, “What if somehow I am committed to those undesirable results?”   Nate and Kaley Klemp, in THE 80/80 MARRIAGE, ask you to lead with that assumption, not because it's true, but because the thought experiment will lead you to priceless and indispensable insights.

You will never forget the way he looked at you on your wedding day.  The way he just let the vision of you soak in, as if looking at you was the only item on his to-do list, and all he required for sustenance.  During those heady days, he honored you, he delighted in you, he listened, and your thoughts mattered to him. You loved his energy, his enthusiasm and his decisiveness which picked up where yours left off.  Sex was easy, desirable and fulfilling.  Then the children came, and you were so excited for the shared love of your little ones to make your relationship even closer and more meaningful. You weren't prepared for how parenthood would change the playing field, and how the demands suddenly exceeded your capacity.  You needed him to anticipate your needs and be inquisitive as he used to be.  You tried subtle, and not-so-subtle ways to let him know that you felt like you were drowning, but instead of being responsive, he would spit out some trite advice, making it your fault, and go find something else to do. He was no longer the loving, attentive man you married, and gradually your life's forecast became cloudy and dismal.  You had eagerly promised to live out your life with him, but you certainly weren't making your vows to this new selfish, inconsiderate, distant version.  Your feelings began to cool toward him.  With each unsuccessful attempt to communicate, your faith and your optimism flagged.  Every time you thought about reaching out to him, your brain said, “What's the point?” So you tried to push those thoughts aside and focus on keeping busy and meeting your children's needs instead.  Your life began to lose its luster.  It became more difficult to get out of bed.  Though you tried to push these realities aside and barrel ahead with your “duties”, creeping thoughts of divorce became more and more frequent, because of the tiny glimmerings of hope you felt imagining a second chance to find a better man and a truer romance.   However you don't feel quite right about moving ahead.  Your feelings don't seem like a compelling enough reason to disrupt your children's stability and dismantle a family structure which, however shaky, took years of effort to build.  So you're in limbo.  Taking each day as it comes, and living a kind of half life in which you don't tell your husband a fraction of what occupies your mind and heart, and try to distract yourself from the deep feelings of disappointment you have in your life.   What happens next? We'll explore some possibilities in this episode. Message me "INFO" to learn more ❤️‍

My heart is full today. I recently finished such an inspiring book that encompasses the message I've been trying to express all this time with such clarity, and such humor. As Cheryl McClary, author of THE COMMITMENT CHRONICLES, so delightfully tells us, (actually I won't share her words yet, I'll share what's coming from me after feeling her wisdom wash over me): If you're going around being bummed out because you don't like your husband, you have been handed a priceless gift: What?! Ok Summer, now you've boarded the bus to Mooncakeland. How can disliking my husband possibly be anything but one of life's stinkiest dumpster fires? I mean, I'm stuck with him. Find out all about this great gift in this episode... Let me share how Dr. McClary summarized her complaints about her husband.  You're going to love this.   • He is in touch with his feelings only when he gets a headache. • He believes his "feminine side" refers to his maternal relatives. • He thinks The Celestine Prophecy is a topless dancer on Bourbon Street. • He assumes The Road Less Traveled is the interstate under construction. Do any of those sound familiar?  So after years of feeling disappointed with his cluelessness, She experienced a wonderful moment of awakening she described like this: “Jim is completely happy. He just wants everything to stay the same, which means I keep doing all I can to please him and make his happiness my main goal in life. No wonder he's so damn content! I would be, too. I am going to have to be the change agent.” “I had to take control of the situation. I was the one who was unhappy. I was the one who wanted a better relationship.” Learn more about how she did it in this amusing episode. Stay tuned, because this is going to be the great mission of my exciting, (and ridiculously affordable) upcoming offering: supporting each other through flipping our scripts, building our bliss, and lovingly offering our dear husbands a clue.  It is going to be more fun than a stack of novels, a trough of muddy buddies and no one else at home.  No. Now I'm overhyping.  Nothing beats that.  But it's going to be fabulous!  We'll leave it at that. DM me "WAITLIST" on Instagram to get all the updates ❤️‍

Last Sunday I got mildly annoyed with my husband for not making more of an effort to pitch in and move things along so we could get to church on time.  He's been wonderfully involved before, helping little kids get ready, etc.,  but has had a lot on his mind lately.  And my bad, I didn't bother to ask.  I missed the sacrament- my most important weekly ritual of spiritual renewal.  I was a bit down in the dumps as we drove.  Not a fun traveling companion.  Well, let's be real.  As the consummate introvert, I'm never the life of the party, but you get the idea.  Haven't you done it yourself, hoping your downcast eyes would give him a clue? But I know that always backfires.  So I just observed my feelings, monitored my thoughts, didn't arrive at anything helpful to say and let it pass.  In this episode you can hear all about what happened next... Stop mistreating and denying yourself in the hopes that your family will take pity on you.  Instead, treat yourself as the queen that you are and watch your family follow suit. I want to see you have a joyful, loving Mother's Day that's full of gratitude and delight.  So please don't wait around and hope that it happens.  Decide right now that it's going to, and clear out any logistical and mental obstacles.  If you have any questions and concerns around that, by all means, send them my way in the instagram chat! I've been a little quiet on social media because I'm in building mode, and so excited for my upcoming offers.  But I'm always happy to chat and be educated about all the different circumstances you beautiful seekers are dealing with. And will you do me a favor?  I'm sure you know another mama who could benefit from this episode, so please send her the link with some love!  I'd be so happy for this episode to reach as many mamas as possible!

When we roll through the experience of noticing our blessings and feeling those feelings of enjoying, cherishing, and holding gratitude for what we have, we are strengthening the electromagnetic pull for additional enjoyment, cherishing and gratitude. We can feel it building upon itself as we consciously hold it, examine it and relish it. The snowball is an old metaphor, but for a reason, so don't skip over it. Live into the snowball with me for a moment. The beauty in our lives, and our sense of it, sticks to itself, packs it on, gathers momentum and becomes larger and larger. Do you feel that? It is a real universal law. And it goes BOTH WAYS. Can you picture a snowball rolling back and forth in something of a concave cradle? Imagine that the cradle is settled into the top of a mountain, and on one side is the pull of your joy, and on the other is the pull of your despair. You are the snowball. You are rolling back and forth in this container, and one thought is ready to tip you over the top and send you careening down one side of the mountain or the other, packing on either the happiness or the despair. The negativity also gets sticky and packs more of itself on. In just the way you can use one piece of Play-Doh® to press and pick up all the other little crumbs of it your kids left on the table, one sticky negative thought puts feelers out for another, until your whole emotional windshield is splattered with squashed bugs and you can't see a blessed thing. (Me and my mixed and also excessive metaphors. Apologies

Have you noticed how much of a buzz catch phrase “healthy boundaries” has become?  I notice a great deal of emphasis being placed on looking out for oneself- and that's not a bad thing at all, but little is made of the experience of the person on the receiving end of the boundary- especially if the person has been sorted by a pop psychology label.  It's as if once they've been tagged as a “such and such”, they're thought less worthy of consideration. James “Fish” Gill, Heart Coach, and self-proclaimed “conflict nerd,” has pointed this out. He is fascinated by human connection: how it is generated, and how it erodes over time with unskillful interactions.  The day I stumbled across his Instagram account , was a fortuitous day indeed, and if you're not following him already, do it with a quickness, because he will infuse your feed with sweet, full-bodied, heart broadening wisdom.    In the wonderful episode of The Shared Road Podcast I listened to, hosted by Carly McDowell, called Setting Boundaries that Stick, 'Fish' explains that he has asked his audience how they feel when they're on the receiving end of a boundary, and the response was unanimously negative.  How do you feel when someone you love has called you out on an “unacceptable” behavior and informed you that you're expected to change in order to maintain the relationship or stay in that person's good graces?  Shamed? Belittled?  Blamed?  Rejected?  Unseen?  Misunderstood? Angry?  Defensive? That's most often how a boundary is received, because it places the receiver in the wrong- in a place of disapproval like a child who's “in trouble”.    In setting a boundary, we are making a statement about ourselves, indicating that we are not ok with some action of another.  It's a dangerous game, am I right? It feels, fraught with peril, especially for us introverts. But with a bit of “heartful” reflection, it doesn't have to be.  Fortunately, that is exactly the area where we introverts shine.  Through the gift of this deliberate pondering, we can express a boundary in a way that's a win for both parties. And this episode will help you start. Please listen to the full interview with James 'Fish' Gill here. And check out his amazing group coaching offerings, one coming right up next month. You are warmly invited to our free Facebook group, The Marriage Saving Society for Introverted Moms, which contains numerous trainings and resources to leverage your unique gifts in managing what can sometimes feel unmanageable. ❤️‍

What would it look like if the next action you took was purely for someone's benefit?  What if you looked at them and every desire of your heart was to see relief pouring over them or the beaming of sudden joy, or to embrace them until they had no doubt of your love?  What if that person was you?  What would be happening?  What would you be doing or saying?  What can you do right now, in this moment to offer yourself relief, sudden joy or the reassurance of love and your shining worth?  What is it that stands in the way?  Do you feel undeserving?  Overwhelmed? Numb?  I send you love.  Please put your hand on your heart and receive it. Breathe it deeply in.  If you are hearing this, you are loved more than you can possibly conceive of, and no matter what you've done or said, you richly, infinitely, deserve that love. This work can get lonely and life can get "lifey". Join our community here and get access to more detailed live trainings, worksheets and journal prompts. ❤️‍

I want to encourage you to take more frequent phone breaks, and not just for the obvious reasons. What are the obvious reasons? The obvious reasons are that it blocks out opportunities to interact and deepen your connection. It takes the place of exchanges you might naturally fall into together. As Dr. Matt Townsend recently mentioned on Instagram, (& no the irony there is not lost on me) “Stop distracting yourself to death. You are sitting on the couch next to the most important person in your life and you're distracted by the phone or the game.” A slightly less obvious reason is that it distracts you from feelings you need to dive into, process, learn from and express. If you go for the immediate dopamine hit and numb your feelings on TikTok instead of sitting down with your journal and free writing: “Why did I get so triggered and suddenly get sarcastic when he said he didn't want to go to my parents' for dinner?” You are denying yourself the vital messages for growth and self support that your feelings are straining and sweating to transmit to you, and the next time the trigger is applied, the sarcasm will shoot out again, possibly resulting in a relationship battering knock down drag out. And an even less obvious and more pervasive reason is... Message me here for questions and occasional advice. Join us in the free Facebook group for weekly trainings and resources. Quotes from Dr. Matt Townsend and Eve Dineen, Board Certified Behavior Analyst

I want to talk about what to do when he pulls away. And it just might involve getting "selfish". And I don't necessarily mean dropping a couple grand for a spa day or buying yourself Stuart Weitzman heels, though if that's your thing, go for it! I've just been reading the brilliant classic book THE DANCE OF INTIMACY by Dr. Harriet Goldhor Lerner and my highlighter pen is relinquishing its life in a consecrated quest to capture the profundity. It explains so much of what I strive to be about and to help you with, in a better way than I've ever been able to. Does the following quote not speak so succinctly to the mission and movement of Be the Change in Your Marriage? (Dr. Lerner from the book:) “Pushing a partner to change is about as effective as trying to make friends with a squirrel by chasing it.” Honestly, though, every time we reactively push for a different behavior from our husbands, we only get a more heaping dose of samesies. When our anxiety is high around a certain issue, we tend to either overfunction, as in calling the shots, taking over, focusing on the other person in an energy of worry or anger and becoming overly responsible, or we underfunction, distancing ourselves, freezing, ignoring and avoiding. And get this: none of it is bad or wrong! Listen to this quote: “Overfunctioning, underfunctioning, fighting, pursuing, distancing, and child-focus or other-focus are normal, patterned ways to manage anxiety. One way is not better or more virtuous than another.” So how do we close the distance with a spouse who's ignoring us? This episode will give you some ideas. To participate in a live group training this week on the same topic with accompanying worksheets, join us in this group. Message me here for questions and advice. REFERENCE: THE DANCE OF INTIMACY by Dr. Harriet Goldhor Lerner

I hated myself for picking “the wrong man”. How could I be such an emotionally immature idiot as to jump into marriage with someone who made me so unhappy? Other people were in romantic, nurturing, connected relationships, but not me. I had missed my chance by saying those “cursed ‘I do' words” when I did. I fell into a deep depression by allowing myself to believe those thoughts. It was difficult to get out of bed. My disappointment in him came darn near loathing. He could sense it, and was driven to do more of the avoidant, self-soothing behaviors that bothered me in the first place, which in turn prompted me to be more dumpy, negative and stinkfaced toward him. I had no idea that my negative focus was actually creating more of what I didn't want. It does that, you know. Like clockwork. It's a right foul shuzzbutt that way. So I lurched around spending my one wild and precious life thinking I was under a curse from those “cursed ‘I do' words”. But gradually, when I went deep into spirituality I started to open myself to a different view. And instead of feeling “cursed” with unhappiness, I became curious about what was growing and developing in me through the experience. https://www.instagram.com/bethechangeinyourmarriage/?hl=en

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If you love this podcast, and you have not signed up for my free Get Cozy by Valentine's Day Challenge yet, I want you to join us in my private Facebook group at this link forthwith! ASAP. We're having a great time already. It will be awesome for you whether your marriage is in serious trouble, or you just want to feel closer and have a lovely love day. We're swapping a few tales that wouldn't be appropriate for this podcast's clean rating just between us girls. But it's just barely started. Still plenty of time to jump in! Each weekday between now and Valentine's Day will have a journal entry, a wife dare and a short video with accompanying workbook page. You will earn points for posting accomplishments, supporting and inviting others and completing pages, toward winning prizes such as a smoking hot red nightie donated by Every Love Intimates and a fabulous bedroom game called Sheets and Ladders. In this episode, I'm sharing a part of the training and challenge I did in our group yesterday, and remember that if you join, trainings and challenges like this will happen everyday this next week! For today's dare, I would like to give you the choice between two options, and I want you to carefully consider which one is most needed, and choose that one. Here's a clue: the one that seems hardest, that you don't want to do, that's the one you're going to need to pick. Isn't life a stinker the way it always works out that way? In our first training I talked about embodying the person you aspire to be right now. Having that compelling vision and feeling the emotions of that elevated state is so much more effective for behavior change than trying to exercise willpower. One of the dare options is to do something that the self you aspire to be would do. Something that you will set aside time to do for yourself. Taking actions to step into the identity and mission you are meant to take on in this life is not selfish. It makes you into a more beautifully tuned and impactful instrument in the hands of your creator. Selfishness is when you yield to those impulses that want to keep you small, stuck, comfortable and afraid. What is your sense of I Am inviting you to do? Go to the bookstore? A book club? Buy some paints and a canvas? Sing karaoke? Spend an hour at the piano? Go buy some power tools? Volunteer at the food bank? Get a pedicure? Having a project and a purpose, and letting your husband see it, has at least three advantages, that you can hear all about in this episode. So please join our Get Cozy by Valentine's Day challenge! Can't wait to see you there!

Ten and something years ago, I saw myself as the patient, longsuffering victim of my clueless, insensitive husband's harsh communication. And did he feel it? Yes, he did. But I was making a mistake I had no idea I was making. And I was doing it all the Fraggle Rockin' time. And you might be doing it too. And it's ok. We genuinely have no reason at all to believe we're doing anything wrong. In fact, we have the following three reasons to believe we're absostankin'lutely in the right! Check these out! Number 1. We are speaking in a perfectly calm, collected, patient, Strawberry Fields Forever kind of voice! How could we possibly be in the wrong? “Honey, I told you about Tanner's piano recital three weeks ago.” Just listen to that warm good-naturedness. So affable! Julie Andrews and Mother Teresa are more wrong than us! Number 2. We are speaking the Honest to Paul McCartney truth! He is remembering wrong. He is in denial. We are speaking the shining, unvarnished, glorious resplendent truth. It is a verified fact that we told them about Tanner's piano recital three weeks in advance, and we have the text convo to prove it. No fault here. No way, no how, nowhere, no place. And… Number 3. Self care. The hallmark virtue of the 21st century. We speak up for ourselves. WE are not to be trifled with, gaslighted, manipulated, slandered or pushed around. We are woman, hear us roar. Everyone knows it would be wrong to NOT point out that we had already told him about Tanner's piano recital. We would be betraying ourselves and the entire cause that the suffragettes risked their lives for! Being heard! I rest my case. There is no way we are possibly in the wrong. He is the backward dunderhead with the problem. So what could possibly be the mistake? Find out in this episode. Coming soon, in my free Facebook group, Wives Changing Lives, a detailed training on this very hot subject, with accompanying mini workbook. Please message me if you'd like to join the group and get in on the action. ❤️‍

I get so much value from the work of Dr. Benjamin Hardy on YouTube. He is perhaps the most driven, focused, goal-oriented success story I have ever encountered, and every time I listen to him speak I end up with three or four more books on my must read list. I'm going to borrow from his video I just watched yesterday called THE 3 FUNDAMENTAL LAWS OF SUCCESS. His three principles, my commentary. And what does this have to do with marriage? Listen on, sister. PRINCIPLE # 1: WE NEED A PURPOSEFUL, COMPELLING FUTURE. The quote that Dr. Hardy kept coming back to is this one by Friedrich Nietzsche: “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” This was also quoted by Dr. Viktor Frankl in reference to his time in a Nazi concentration camp. Goodness, Summer, you brought up concentration camps in your last episode. This podcast is getting really depressing. Fair point. The reason I bring them up is that they really give the person quoting some street cred. When they speak of suffering you KNOW they're not just talking about bunions or bad gas. When someone like that tells you you can bear ANY how, as in ANY circumstances, they have some strength in their case. Thank you so much for listening. I am so grateful for you. I would love to meet up and talk with you. I always learn so much from people's stories, whether or not you join my program, so if you haven't met with me yet for a complimentary session, please send me a message and get on my calendar, because there is no pressure to enroll and I will help you create that purposeful, compelling future that can be your guiding light for this new year beginning today. And you and your marriage will never be the same.

When Elie Wiesel gave his Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance speech, he imagined that the child he once was, the child who had staggered through the horrors of the Nazi concentration camps, an experience he dubbed The Kingdom of Night, was now addressing him.  "'Tell me,' he asks, 'What have you done with my future, what have you done with your life?' And I tell him that I have tried." “Every moment,” he goes on, “is a moment of grace.  Every hour an offering.”  One day you may ask your future self “What have you done with my future?” or “What have you made of me?” “What have I become?” What is your purpose? “University of Notre Dame sociologist Christian Smith found in his study of adults 18 to 23 that most of them believe society is nothing more than “a collection of autonomous individuals out to enjoy life.”* If we were to presuppose that this is actually the case, I submit that life cannot be fully enjoyed without a sense of fulfillment.  And that you cannot have a sense of fulfillment without a sense of meaning and purpose. And that (warning: unpopular opinion here) you cannot have a sense of meaning and purpose without some measure of self-sacrifice. Sacrifice is defined by Oxford as “an  act of giving up something valued (I add as examples: convenience, fun, time, tears, Peanut M&M's®) for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.” The very definition of parenthood, right? And the bulk of the reason our children are so precious to us is the investment of our time and the sacrifices we've made for them.  We can look at them and see, with satisfaction, little glittering accumulations of our time, Goldfish® Crackers, guidance and affection. So why don't we feel the same way towards our husbands? For one simple reason... If you'd like some support and companionship through the taxing process of working on your marriage, send me a message, because I have a free Facebook group in the works which will include regular free trainings and resources, and I would love for you to be a part of it. You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold. ❤️‍

I thought we could wrap up this year together, and get ourselves on a great trajectory for the New Year. If you can listen to this at a time when you can pause it to write these things down, that would be awesome. Grab a notebook and a pen or the notes app on your phone or tablet. Some questions came from an Instagram post by MEL ROBBINS called Before you plan 2023, ask yourself these 5 questions. I sincerely hope that 2023 will be the most beautiful year of your life so far.

Thinking about the holidays and all you struggling mamas brought up a painful memory. I first divorced when my oldest was just under two. It was New Year's Day when I moved out of our little family home and gave my little chubbins two homes instead of one. But even though I knew that relationship needed to end due to the vast disparity in our values, I was not prepared for what it would do to my memories. Specifically how painful it would be to look at photographs. Later, when I came across a photo of that little toddler, his eyes fixed on a battery operated train set up to circle around the Christmas tree, it was suddenly as if my heart had been frozen in liquid nitrogen and shattered by an evil, hammer-wielding, white lab-coated scientist. The tears. The sense of failure. The- this was his last Christmas at home. He will never remember his family. Look at him by the tree. I positively seethed in the sodden and inflamed misery of it. Why am I sharing this? It's not to discourage you or shame you if you end up divorcing. In some cases, that's the healthiest and wisest choice. And if that's your needed path, you will weather that storm and see your way to brighter days. But I also want you to know that it's no small matter. I have no wish to see you spring from the leaky boat of your marriage, only to find yourself gasping for breath in the eel-infested waters of raw, post-separation single parenting, when all the boat needed was a few yards of Flex Tape®. If you do divorce, photos of your former family will eventually become bizarre, like the alternate reality 1985A in Back to the Future 2 when Biff takes over the city. And that's weird, right? But your former life feeling bizarre and surreal is better than everything feeling surreal right now in 2022 under your own roof. If you are feeling lonely and disconnected, I promise it doesn't have to stay that way. Most of what your brain has been telling you about it is probably neither helpful, nor true. You have the well-carved paths you've walked yourself into, that feel like the way things absolutely are, and the ruts are so deep, you can't see a way to climb out. But when you do, the sights and the smells and the open air will blow your mind. This will pass. The heartbreak will find a context, and you can wrap it in tissue paper and place it in a special drawer that WON'T be gaping open all the time and you'll get to pick when you want to open it. You can begin to vibe with the way your story is emerging with curiosity, excitement and faith rather than wanting to rip out pages and cross out whole sections with your bleeding, siren red correcting pen. I would love to sit down with you and give you a chance to air out your compressed feelings during this wintry month of celebration and reflection. When you book a call, as my gift to you, this month only, you'll receive a highly personalized audio guided visualization track that's generally 6-10 minutes long, accompanied by relaxing music, and takes your mind and your heart on a journey of highly targeted reflection and healing. These are normally only available to my clients inside my signature coaching program, and they unanimously love them. There will be no pressure to enroll, and the only thing you really have to lose is a bit of your bottled-up emotion. Message me "HOLIDAY GIFT" on Instagram or TikTok to get started. You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold.

Thank you so much for following and placing me in Spotify's top 25% of most followed Podcasts! I'm so grateful for everyone who listens. Thanks for opening your time and your heart to me. It is a privilege. And speaking of your heart, I know it can weigh heavily around the holidays. In a time of warmth and togetherness, it can ache that much more terribly to have the feeling that you and your husband aren't batting for the same team. The decorations seem pointless and the egg nog and peppermint bark feel more like short-lived palliatives than signs of celebration. I'd like to be a bit better than a brief palliative for you right now, and help you to begin some healing. I want to share 3 ways to a peaceful home for the holidays. I would be most honored this holiday season, if you could give yourself the gift of investing further in that delicious peace at home, and join me inside my signature coaching program. Today is the last day I'm publicizing my Black Friday special, but if you message me the code word PEACE on Instagram, you will lock in an unheard of discount and bonuses which I will honor if you book a call with me in the next week. There's no pressure whatsoever to buy, but if you do, you'll be grateful you jumped on the chance now. And I'll be so grateful to join with you in creating the life-changing results my clients are reporting. Hoping to see you soon on my calendar. bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

A lovely, amazing woman came to me in a marriage she feared was over. Her husband was sleeping in his office and she struggled with the question of whether their union was worth saving. She felt unseen and undervalued and it seemed that her husband was warm and welcoming to everyone but her. Through our work together she had a massive shift. She realized that what she was experiencing from her husband was a reflection of how she was treating herself, and her husband was distancing himself from her because he felt helpless in the face of the needs she was presenting. Now her life is strikingly different. Through nurturing, healing work on her deep seated fears and wounds, she built up the strength to take bold new actions in the marriage. She learned how to fulfill her own needs and then become more curious about the needs of others. She exercised outrageous love for herself and found greater love for her husband and family. Her husband sensed the shift and was happy to start rooming with her again

No matter how much of a canker blossom your husband is, you can be at peace in your heart, and find sweet hope for your future. You can even learn to love him, and find all kinds of creative and liberating ways to inspire him to be far less of a canker blossom. This is what I love to jam with you on. Let's brainstorm! (Complimentary Session) What do you need more of in your life? More laughter, more silence, more fun, more poetry, more inspiration, more help? Let's find a way to get them. If you know in your heart of hearts it's a good thing, and reasonable, don't let his disagreement or disapproval stop you. Move forward. However gradually. What is the worst thing that can happen? Yelling and door slamming? The silent treatment? You come from strong stock, you can weather that storm. If it's just unthinkable, let's talk about why. What are you making it mean about you? What is the secret horror that's being activated? How can you nurture and heal yourself through it? Remind yourself that you are of infinite worth and loved beyond measure, that you are a work in progress, and any regrets you have are a reason to celebrate your growth, NOT devalue yourself. If you look back and feel bad about something you did or said, that just means you're learning, discovering and growing, which is exactly what you were put on this earth to do. Also, there is no shame in being afraid. That's just your brain trying to keep you safe. But you are a rebel, and a queen, and you don't have to do everything your brain says. Let's say, you're afraid of confrontation, but you feel the fear, encourage yourself through it and speak up anyway. You say… bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

I just saw an inspiring reel on Instagram by @peacefulmindpeacefullife, an account I would highly recommend following- fabulous messages. The reel spoke of the Top Five Regrets of the Dying. It was based on a book I now want to read, by the same title, by a veteran palliative nurse named Bronnie Ware, (My sincere apologies for calling her "Bonnie" through the entire episode

To celebrate my 50th episode, I am giving away a fabulous "Falling For You" Date Night Inbox, which "includes several interactive activities, a delicious snack, a custom curated dinner menu and so much more". Head over to Instagram to see how you can win it! I want you to decide today that you are going to live your best life. Now the social media and retail culture would like you to believe that living your best life means traveling the globe enjoying time and location freedom, using the most lavish products and seeing the most fabulous sights. In short, enjoying life to the fullest. I have nothing against enjoying life, and props to you if you get in on that action, but I want to posit to you today that the deepest and most lasting enjoyment comes from having a sense of meaning and purpose. Thus, living your best life comes not from how much pleasure you experience, but what an impact for good you make. Friedrich Nietzsche said: "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” Decide today that your actions will be motivated by love. Decide today that you're done with trying to make your husband the bad guy. Done with trying to prove to him that you are the victim of his mistreatment. Give up on the fever dream that one day he's going to say, “Thank you for pointing that out! It's clear to me that you're the victim and I'm the perpetrator and this is entirely my fault.” (quote from Gay Hendricks in his book THE BIG LEAP) Decide today that instead, you are going to make him out to be as good a guy as you possibly can. Does that make you the loser? On the contrary. Who's the loser? Someone who has to live with an awful person or someone who's loving all the good they're seeing so much that their man is rising into the golden image of the perception and expectations he's sensing about himself? bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com SOURCES: BE YOUR FUTURE SELF NOW, by Dr. Benjamin Hardy THE BIG LEAP by Gay Hendricks

Are you aching for your husband to just acknowledge you? Wishing for some clue that you matter to him? That he thinks you get some things right once in a while? That he feels that he's in the right place and not sitting around daydreaming of being with someone else? Have you been trying to get him to realize this, but you just can't seem to make any headway? If you try to kindly explain your position he always manages to find a way to make it your fault! He keeps telling you you're overreacting, and you just can't accept that, so you point out that he's obviously doing the same thing, and won't admit he's wrong. You just can't win no matter which way you try, and every cry for help turns into another item on the list of what's wrong with you. And it hurts! My journal entry from 2008 reads, “I lost it. I felt so defeated- like I couldn't do anything right.” And then “It escalated really fast.” “I didn't want to take it, and I kept repeating, “Likewise, likewise, likewise.” “I couldn't get rid of my angry feelings.” So how do you get the validation you need from him? Learn more at bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com Message me on Instagram.

Summer, my husband just sat down on the couch again with a beer to watch hockey, and all I want to do is pour old baby formula into his new Nikes. I know, honey. It's a J.O.B. and a half to find anything hopeful when you're drowning in this ocean of MEH and worse than MEH- full on pain. BUT- as a goddess in the making, as the beautiful human that you are, endowed with consciousness, imagination, self-awareness and agency, you can do better. It's already within you. The VERY FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE is energy which can be influenced by the state of your mind and heart. These particles of energy can travel across space and time and create beautiful new realities. Decide, right now, that you have the marriage of your dreams. Summer? Couch? Hockey? Beer? Remember? I know, but somewhere, somehow, veiled by defense mechanisms, male bravado, and Bud Light, is the sentiment and responsiveness you've been longing for. So believe that it exists, and then treat him as if he's got it. Then watch how he responds. Even if he resists, you'll be much happier feeling, acting on and expecting love, than you would be feeling disgusted with him. If you feel as if you're already giving all the love you can muster, and he's just not responding, message me and let's do a spot check on your game plan. You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold ❤️‍

My clients are absolutely extraordinary women. Not because they are beautiful, intelligent and talented (though incidentally they are all that as well), but for one very simple reason: They have the humility to ask the question, “Might I be in the wrong?” Why the word choice of “wrong”? Kind of a problematic word. I choose it to highlight the way we often oversimplify conflict in our relationships: “I'm right. He's wrong,” when there's always so much more behind it. When seen in these dualistic terms, even to ask the question, “Might I be in the wrong?” takes on even more courage, vulnerability, meaning and relevance. (It's the question posed in the wonderful books of The Arbinger Institute, an organization dedicated to resolving conflict.) Being able to ask the question “Might I be in the wrong?” doesn't mean that he isn't also wrong, and in the stinkiest way- nobody's saying that. It simply means that we want to be on the lookout for anything that's within our power- my own power- to improve. And my clients understand this beautifully- or they wouldn't make the investment. So when you notice that you could have phrased something better, there is nothing weak about saying, “I'm sorry- I need to say that in a different way.” You can apologize for whatever small discord you've added, even if his blatant mess is befouling the whole room. It's what a powerful, radically responsible, unstoppable woman does. And then your sincere and respectful request that he choose more civil words in the future, takes on much greater credibility, and is much more likely to be received and acted on. Does apologizing when he's a butthead mean you're being taken advantage of? No. Radical responsibility means you're also in full charge of your well-being, and you are filling your bucket. You're taking a pottery class. The hiking trip you've planned with your girlfriends tomorrow is non-negotiable, and your evening out for sushi is happening whether it's a “me party” or a table for two. The only weighing and balancing you're doing is between loving and recharging yourself and giving to others. Not between what you're doing and what he's doing, because even though he sleeps in your bed, I hope, that's out of your lane. Don't hold back on your limitless potential because he's cooped up in his man comfort zone. Remembering this allows you to stop resenting, snapping, sulking, fighting, simmering, raging, scorekeeping, and dreaming of cutting him loose once you finally get through Christmas. So instead of measuring his efforts against yours and holding back, get busy crafting the premium version of YOU. And speaking of Christmas, or Chanukah, or whatever your traditional winter family celebration might be, the timing is just right for you to begin working with me and completely transform the feeling in your home during these winter holidays. Please consider carefully whether you want to prioritize the “stuff” in the room or the feelings there. I trust that if you're feeling that inner call to meet with me, you will message me “IT'S TIME” on Instagram. As one of my incredible clients recently told me, “You were my strength.” I would be most honored to help you find your strength. I believe in you. I'm rooting for you. You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold. bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

Now what do you do when your husband acts like a categorical snotlord? When he talks like a complete jerk, or as Shakespeare would say, a droning, dog-hearted death-token? Let's say you tell him you're too tired for sex, and he calls you a “frigid beach… towel”. It's so easy, when the man says something so inexcusably rude, to react with shock and outrage, call him your own choice names, to shun him, to add it to the long list of reasons you plan to leave the marriage, to hold on to the hurt, say, “I don't have to take this,” and stonewall him for the rest of the night. It's also so very natural to say, “Why should he get a pass?” “Why does he get to say whatever he wants and I'm just expected to take it?” “Why am I the one who has to make the effort here? Let's be clear. You don't have to. You don't have to treat him any better than he deserves. You have the right to be offended and punish him and shut him out and let both of you pass the night in alienated, disconnected misery. All of these courses of action are available and understandable. It would be weird if you didn't feel and behave in one or more of those ways at such a time. But is that how you want things to go? What if you could find a weird way to make it turn out differently? What if you could be the weird change that makes married life better and more enjoyable, and the world a better place? Would it be worth the effort? Would it be worth things being unfair if you could love each other and feel cozy again? But I don't want to love a man who calls me names like that. I get it. But he's there. You're married to him (unfortunately, it feels like, right?) And you have a situation inviting you to respond to it. What do you do? Our fight or flight brains like to tell us there are only two alternatives, fight back and punish him, or cave and get taken advantage of. But there is always a miraculous third and better alternative. It is stronger than any of those reactive punishments, and at the same time, kinder than caving and acting the victim. Listen to this episode to get a step-by-step breakdown. It can be lonely work and dadgum hard to push forward with on your own steam. My clients get daily personalized support through the strenuous work of healing their marriages and it's hard to think of an investment that pays richer dividends than delicious love at home. If you're ready to talk about making that commitment, and moving forward with a proven plan for a happier love life, message me the words, “Love at Home” on Instagram. If you only knew how much I believe in you. You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold. bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com Sources: Shakespearean Insult Generator James "Fish" Gill on Instagram peacefulmindpeacefullife on Instagram

Are you surrendering or settling? Are you saying, “Ok I can work with this?” or “Wake me up in ten years?” Are you seeing the distinction? You could be in a true place of surrender and still work your love handles off to make things better. It just means you're not going to bang your head against any walls that might crop up along the way. You are laboring toward outcomes without being attached to them. The concept is simple, but also terribly complex. Oliver Wendell Holmes once wrote, “I don't give a fig for the simplicity on this side of complexity, but I would die for the simplicity on the other side of complexity.” I love that so much. Okay Summer, now you've really hopped on the obtuse bus . I thought you were going to say something useful about marriage- like maybe how I can get my husband to stop barking at my teenagers. Just hear me out. We'll get there. Message Summer Cox, Wife Coach, here. bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

Have you noticed that the more desperate the situation in your marriage becomes to you, the less he seems to care? The more you create urgency around the need for him to show up, and try to wake his thick head up to the fact that he's in danger of losing you, the more he flees the scene. You are Googling divorce attorneys and he's playing golf. His behavior is making it abundantly clear that your point of view is justified.  It's obvious that he simply doesn't care.  And  doing life like this is just NOT AN ACCEPTABLE OPTION ANY THE FIZZING WHIZBEE LONGER. So what other choice do you have? Queen, take a breath.  The environment has become unstable, and his dodging may not mean that he doesn't care. As astonishing as it might sound, It might actually mean the exact opposite. Message me "I'm ready," on Instagram if you're ready for a complete 180 in your marriage and home. You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold. ❤️‍

Summer, no one appreciates what I do. I could wake up at 3:00 am and bust my fanny til midnight and no one will care, and they sure as heckwads won't say thank you. That sounds spectacularly painful, and as the mom of many, I understand where you're coming from. Let's get something straight right now. They are never going to give you the appreciation you deserve. Never. No one can ever appreciate you properly, because they are not having your experience, and they can't possibly comprehend the internal effort you're making on their behalf. But you can. And the fact that you're doing it without the appreciation you deserve makes it all the more praiseworthy. Let the gift of your service be a gift to yourself as well by viewing it as a privilege. "Heart Coach" James “Fish” Gill once said “I have ritual times with myself where I actually acknowledge to myself what I'm experiencing. I've discovered that acknowledging myself for what I'm going through is really the only acknowledgment that I can be sure that I can ever get. And validation. And forgiveness actually... ...No human being can ever really bring us the depth of acknowledgment that we know they deserve. They can't. Because they don't know the depth to which we know we deserve it.” This man actually holds his own hand and talks to himself, offering appreciation and encouragement. He acknowledged on the excellent Human Cogs Podcast, that it may sound weird, but he doesn't care, because it has made all the difference in his emotional health. I encourage you to try it. It really does feel good. Squeeze your hands together and say “Linda, I love you. You are working harder than anyone knows. And you exercised great courage in reaching out to Jim today and listening. I send you all the love.” You can coach your family to say “thank you”, and I encourage you to do that, but it will never be more than a feeble token of what you truly deserve. What if you decided right now to make peace with that? What is this episode bringing up for you? Let's talk about it on Instagram. bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

No woman gets married and thinks to herself “Now I get to spend my life feeling misunderstood, recycling the same argument five times a month, and regretting my major life decisions. And yet, I talk to so many women who are slogging through life, feeling that nothing will ever change, cursing themselves for marrying a narcissist whose emotional aptitude is still wearing size 6 diapers. Living in a space of disempowerment, a hapless sacrificial lamb for the family. Which means they've left hope at the last rest stop, don't expect life to offer much more than fleeting distractions from their burden of pain and loneliness, and are demonstrating to their precious children that marriage and family life is a good bet for people who aren't overly interested in being happy. Beautiful, it's time to step off this nightmarish treadmill and get a much needed dose of hope. Will you schedule a two-hour complimentary assessment with me in which we'll dive deep into your mess and craft a highly personalized blueprint to your Ride or Die romance? Message me on Instagram with the words “Ride or Die” and we'll get you scheduled. Queen, you deserve all the love and happiness you can hold. bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

You want your marriage to be different. You want your husband to be different. You want him to listen to you and seem to actually give a flying Farquaad for your feelings. You are weighed down with disappointments. Your wishes seem empty as you note each time he pulls away or says, “You're just overreacting!” All of the evidence supports your claim that he can't do relationships and will never make you happy. Unless- you're not actually considering all the evidence. What if your focus is only on the things that are supporting what you've decided- because there is safety and predictability in being right, and justified, even if it means you're unhappy? And what if you made a conscious decision to become the gardener in your relationship, and to give light, nourishment and water to the aspects you genuinely want to grow? You are already your life's gardener, you just didn't realize you've been nurturing the prickle bushes and the deadly nightshade. Whatever you shine the light of your attention on, actually gets bigger. If your focus is continually on the ways he's falling short, he's going to keep falling shorter and shorter until he falls out of love and your life. When you're trying to walk this journey without support, it's too easy to get discouraged and hang up your cute watering can. If you'd like to explore the idea of growing that garden with my assistance, send me a message on instagram to schedule your complimentary session. Please don't let the crabgrass grow any higher before you take action. I'm here for you. You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold. bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

You don't have to not be in love anymore. You can decide that you like being in love and kick the backlog of icky stuff to the curb and start doing loving things. Hold on for a longer kiss. Count to 7 and melt into it. Remember the gooey feelings you had when you first kissed. Remember all the flutters. Seek to feel them again and you will find them. You can trust in Karma and decide you don't have to hold onto his list of offenses to make sure he's brought to justice. You can enjoy loving him again. You can bring back the in jokes. You can parade by him in a spicy outfit with the assurance that if he doesn't want what you're bringing that's his loss and his issue, and you can feel sorry for him rather than yourself- because now you're taking your spicy self for a bubble bath and reading your favorite novel- because you are a queen. And as time passes he'll begin to wonder what's wrong with him and want to climb aboard that cuddle bus. If you want him to talk to you more, and you come after him with “How come you never talk to me?” How is he likely to respond? What do you think? bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

Finding peace, love, coziness and contentment in your marriage again may seem impossibly out of reach, but it's quite possible- it's beautifully rewarding, and results come about much faster than you might think. Here's the basic framework... Ok Summer, I know about all that kind of stuff and I'm always trying to do it. I try to be nice to myself and tell myself to think positive thoughts. I try to be nice to him and give him what he wants and tell him what I want and I try to solve problems and it never helps. We're still just in the muck and mire of a “meh” relationship and it's like every interaction is just giving me more and more of what I don't want. And I have to build a thicker and thicker fortress around my feelings to preserve the illusion that everything's ok, but in reality I feel like I'm running on a treadmill, not going anywhere and all I'm getting is tired. And I have to choke down the question that keeps trying to surface, the question that says, “Is this what the rest of my life is going to look like?” Because that question exhausts my energy and when my six year old asks for more mini wheats I have nothing left to put in his bowl. I am running on empty. Out of hope. So your days are bursting at the seams with fruit snacks, laundry detergent, empty toilet paper rolls and everyone's demands, and the only thing you have to show for it is a verizon bill and sharpie marks on your couch. I know you're already doing everything you have the bandwidth to do. But if you have

Sometimes, sometimes your husband gets mad at you. Happens to me, to you and to Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. Maybe it's because we didn't back him up in grounding Ella for taking the car without permission. Maybe it's because he wants more cause and effect in the bedroom. Whatever the reason, it can feel scary, and we feel a strong impulse to deflect and defend. “How dare he!?” We think, “How can he accuse me of [fill in the blank] when I'm busting my biscuits over here taking care of everyone?” And in your brain, the comparisons begin, the scorekeeping, the “I'm doing X he's only doing Y”. The “I always do… he never does. He has some all-fired nerve to be mad at me.” So what do we do when our thoughts run thus? March his hinder out and start reaming him? See how loudly we can load the dishwasher before he gets the message? Start a knock down, drag out in the perhaps hormonally charged heat of the moment? Or maybe you turn on yourself- “Diane, You know Summer always says not to be defensive, what's wrong with you? Why are you having all these unhealthy thoughts? You really have issues, Diane, you need help.” It's a bleak transition when you're aching for approval that's not coming. It can be like trudging through southern Arizona with an empty water bottle. If you could use some support getting your sea legs during this scary transition, and girl, we all could, message me to schedule your complimentary session. Coaching is my jam. It's what I love to do, so it's always a win. You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold. bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

I've had several recent one on ones on the subject of rejection, and I'm feeling the urge to riff about it. James Altucher once said, “Rejection-and the fear of rejection-is the biggest impediment we face to choosing ourselves”. And how does rejection or rather, the fear of it, keep us from choosing ourselves? We do not take the action which would bring ourselves joy, because of what we tell ourselves about other people's evaluations of us. You don't plant a kiss on our husband or pat his tush, because your brain is saying, “he doesn't like me.” Or because what if he looks at me with an unpleasant expression?  I couldn't handle that. You don't initiate lovemaking even though you're aching to be touched on the off chance that he's holding a grudge and pulls away from you.  You couldn't bear that. The success literature is full of sound bites about risking rejection:  “You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take.” -Wayne Gretzky “Every no gets me closer to a yes.”-Mark Cuban Media Exposure Specialist Jen Gottlieb posted the hashtag makerejectionyourbestie- where I got the title of this episode. Harry Potter was rejected by 12 publishers, etc. And this makes sense to us in the business world. But somehow, in the realm of romantic relationships it hits different.  In this case, you're facing rejection from the one person in the world you've given your heart to. So you'd rather shrink and maintain distance than build a connection.  Wait, does that make any sense? Learn more at bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

I've been told that Be the Change in Your Marriage as a name is triggering and sets off feminist “alarm bells”. Let's talk about this. I find it extremely interesting that the name should have this effect given that it's widely accepted as fact that it isn't possible to change another person, and you can only change yourself. Therefore, “being the change” in a relationship of two, is really the only possible course of change. Isn't it? But let's explore why the name may feel problematic. I can certainly understand if you're inwardly saying, “I already carry the whole household, my to do list is never ending, and now you want me to be the change in my freaking marriage, too? Why can't he do something about it for a change?” https://bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com/ Send me a message to apply for your two hour complementary session.

Should I move the laundry to the dryer or go pee first? Better go pee if I'm starting the washer next. Oh speaking of water, did I ever get Jackson the drink he was asking for? No And did I water the fern? Should I do that on my way to the bathroom? Wait, baby Emma dumped out all the salt from the salt shaker. Where are all the dustpans? I think maybe Ethan left one in the hallway. Ethan?! Can you get the… “Mom! I'm thirsty!” Oh, right. Did I remember to order a replacement filter for the fridge? Here's your water. Did I set the 40 minute timer to remind you to go potty? ...With the pace that people are keeping and the level of distractions bombarding them, long face to face conversations are a precious gift. Next week, I have just a couple of two hour time slots open for a one-on-one life changing complementary video conference with you. We'll take a deep dive into your mind and heart, uncover what you're most yearning for and what barriers are in the way. I don't do surface level. If the two hours we spend together are not time you'll remember for the rest of your life, I won't even bring up the idea of working together further. And my gift to you, after we've uncovered your heart's fondest dreams, and your scariest challenges, is to create a personalized guided visualization audio with soothing music, that you'll be able to use whenever you wish for the purpose of slowing down, connecting to your highest purpose, remembering the loving being you truly are at your core, and creating the life you always imagined might be possible. If you're ready to strategically face each of your problems with targeted support, will you arrange some childcare and meet with me? Send me a message on Instagram to apply. You deserve all the love and happiness you can hold. bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

Do you sometimes find yourself wondering how the monster got inside you who randomly rages at your husband and/or kids? Do you lash out at them and then lash yourself forty times with the guilt? Do you feel like you're the only one who cares about your family's well-being, and then, in your darkest moments, when the ramen noodles hit the fan, and the poop hits the carpet, wonder why you even bother? Has your salty inner talk show host been running repeated segments on how you could have actually been happy if you had held out for a more considerate man who would even sometimes help out around the house, but now it's just too cursing late? Are you afraid to even talk about grilled cheese sandwiches because you never know what will set your husband off, and even worse, you're beginning to doubt your ability to keep your own stuffing sewn in? Can you remember a time, perhaps decades ago now, when your life actually felt like your own, not a messy mashup of other people's unpresentable pieces, and you had options, but when your mind thinks back on that time, you call yourself selfish and pile on more guilt? I want to assure you that you are not unworthy or defective. I repeat, you are not unworthy or defective. You've just stumbled into rocky terrain. You started your family with a heart bursting with love, wonderful hopes and aspirations, and they can all be reclaimed. That heart that felt big enough to give the whole Tri-State-Area a squeeze, that joy that was so big you could hardly tie your shoes, they are not a snuffed out thing of the past, they are the essence of who you truly are at your core. That love that stole over you when your daughter was born that relocated your heart outside your body. That is you. That is who you naturally are. Are you ready to embrace who you truly are? I would be honored to collaborate with you in your discovery. Send me a message on Instagram to schedule your free call. Learn more at bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

Do you sometimes feel like no one really cares about your feelings? In the lyrics from Dear Evan Hansen: Do you ever feel forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Do you ever feel like you could disappear? Like you could fall and no one would hear? As you wipe another nose, unstick another backpack zipper, clean another toilet, and make another peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and then look over at your husband who gives you nothing but a quick surly glance and goes off to sit in front of his computer again and the absence of love feels like a full on famine, and you're all but choking for the want of it, but you keep on going as a machine would, I want you to know that you are seen, you are known, and you are always, always loved. I want to tell you a sacred story. This is a very personal experience and I hope from my heart to your heart that you feel the truth of it and know that no matter what you're going through, you are every bit as watched over and cared for. Do you ever feel lonely and forget how exquisite, how cherished, how rare you are? I would treasure the opportunity to say it to your wonderful face in a complimentary video call and remind you that you already have what it takes to walk this road and be richly fortified along the way. If you need to hear it, send me a message and let's talk. In this call, we will suss out your hidden strengths and strategize how you can best leverage them to meet your unique challenges, and my solid intention is that you will go away knowing down to your nucleus that you do deserve all the love and happiness you can hold. And that it's there waiting. Because you do. And it is. Learn more at bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

At 25 years old, I thought my world was ending. I thought I'd lost my last chance at happiness, because I had married someone who wasn't loving me the way I thought I should be loved. I felt rejected. I felt hopeless. I railed on myself for being so utterly foolish and for being too weak to step away earlier. I felt powerless, weighed down with resentment and blame, unconscious of the fact that I needed to take the lead in being good to myself. I cried. I defended myself. I accused him. To get lost in a novel or a movie was the best, but when it was over, I would reawaken to the dismal reality of my miserable life. I remember one day my Mom took me on an outing to get a massage, but I was so saturated with sadness that they may as well have been massaging a brick or a deflated balloon. I obsessed over every disparity between us, magnified every grating habit, discounted everything benign or pleasant or positive, made myself a complete and utter drag to be around and then wondered why he wasn't falling all over himself to romance me. But I give myself grace for that time because I didn't know how to do otherwise. I didn't know I had the power to flip my script and kick the life of my dreams into high gear, whether or not he chose to accompany me. But it's true. Everything changed when... Let's talk on Instagram. Learn more at bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com

When you're deep in distress, getting out of bed can require every ounce of your willpower and might be the most difficult step you're called upon to take. It also might be the single most important. Listen to this tender quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. “If you cannot fly then run, if you cannot run then walk, if you cannot walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” This is most important, when you feel like moving forward the least. Do you feel that? I feel that one very deeply. In order to run your little tribe, and keep sawing through those logs of unruly children, piles of laundry, little boy dribbles all over your toilet, and having your ears blistered by the six dreaded words, “Mommy can you help me wipe?” You need to do as the late great Dr. Stephen Covey suggests, and sharpen your blessed saw! And queen, you are that vital instrument. You: your patience, your physical strength and endurance, your emotional health, your ability to hold a welcoming, attentive space for others to express themselves in, you are the most important tool, the most precious resource you have. How will you care for it? Yes, you need sleep. But it is equally important for you to claim the time you need to cultivate an inner space that can hold onto hope again. When you invest in a one-on-one coaching package with me, we'll start by taking a look at your morning routine, and make some magic happen. We'll make sure you're fitting in that miraculous and vital renewal time, and I'll record a daily meditation audio specifically for you, by name, designed to strengthen your ability to overcome the exact trials you're struggling with, and growing and adapting every week as you do. Message me directly here Read transcript here Learn more at bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com REFERENCE: THE MIRACLE MORNING book by Hal Elrod More about THE MIRACLE MORNING here

The personality you're carrying around and displaying to the general public is only a set of defenses you've gradually constructed through your experience of growing up. The way you navigated your childhood and dealt with the needs, pressures and emotions in yourself and others, crafted the set of apparel you wear. Some are sporting a 90 pound suit of armor, and others a sleek pair of stretchy pants à la luchador. Underneath the outfit you've manufactured, is your essential self. The word essence is defined as the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something, that determines its character. I believe that your essential nature is immortal and divine. I also believe that the more you get in touch with it, the sweeter your marriage will become. Why? Because when you know who you truly are, you don't get triggered by other people's misevaluations of you. You just know they're inaccurate. And when you know who you are, you are more likely to have compassion for your blundering, armor wearing husband, than annoyance or disgust. As the late, great Wayne Dyer put it, “As you awaken to your divine nature, you'll begin to appreciate beauty in everything you see, touch and experience.” So how do you get in touch with it? Many, many ways, but there's one beautiful exercise in particular I want to share. Learn more: bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com Reference: UNDEFENDED LOVE by Jett Psaris, PH.D & Marlena Lyons, PH.D

Given that your 14 year old is spending his math class playing Call of Duty mobile, and your Mother-In-Law is dropping less than subtle hints that her son deserves a wife who cooks more frequently, you definitely have enough on your plate without stressing over fake problems that really don't require your attention. It is such a breath of fresh air to let go, so I invite you to declutter from your brain the following three non problems… Learn more: bethechangeinyourmarriage.onuniverse.com Reference: DIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER by George Pransky, Ph.D

I just plowed through Michele Weiner-Davis's awesome book, DIVORCE BUSTING. It reminded me of how much I used to enjoy using Solution Focused Brief Therapy with my therapy clients. It is such a simple but absolutely brilliant mindset shift. It's like a giant shovel that digs out all the thick, stinky piled up muck of complications and negativity to zero directly in on the pinpoint of light shining through your tunnel, so you can make your way toward it as efficiently and effectively as possible. I'm going to share how you can use three magic questions to leverage this type of therapy to transform your marriage. www.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com. https://www.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com/blog “What is Your ‘Wife Style'?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0 Free Guide and Episode Updates: pages.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com Reference: DIVORCE BUSTING by Michele Weiner-Davis

I call it your “Secret Horror,” because I love to wax melodramatic, but in the literature it goes by many names: “Cracked Identity,” “Schema,” “Raw Spot,” “Self-Defeating Belief,” etc. What you really need to know about it, is that it's a thought or a story you're carrying around with you because some buried part of you has learned to believe it, but it really only sticks around because you're too scared to deal with it. And because you're too scared to deal with it, anytime someone or something brings it up, you get… triggered. Contains a step by step process for discovering your own “Secret Horror” and what you can do about it. www.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com. Blog: https://www.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com/blog “What is Your ‘Wife Style'?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0 Free Guide and Episode Updates: pages.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com References: UNDEFENDED LOVE by Jett Psaris, PH.D & Marlena Lyons, PH.D ACCEPTANCE & COMMITMENT THERAPY FOR COUPLES by Avigail Lev, PsyD, and Matthew McKay, PH.D WHEN PANIC ATTACKS by David D. Burns, M.D. HOLD ME TIGHT by Dr. Sue Johnson

What if you were thinking of ending your marriage, but you decided to go all in on seeing what could be salvaged of it, so you could tell yourself you did your best? And what if after all that work you fell in love again and lost every desire to leave? Marriage wisdom from awesome realtor Jaydee Shepherd www.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com. “What is Your ‘Wife Style'?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0 Free Guide: pages.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com References: HOW ONE OF YOU CAN BRING THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER Book by Susan Page

The Oxford Dictionary defines contempt as the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn. And it's a huge predictor of divorce. So much so that John Gottman wittily named it one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. In Gottman's estimation, and the man has some serious street cred, the state of the marriage always comes back to the emotional climate. Thus, it is not calamitous events, such as affairs that cause divorce. Rather, an affair is likely to be a symptom of a lack of positive sentiment in the relationship. “What is Your ‘Wife Style'?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0 Free Guide: pages.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com References: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-6-things-that-predict-divorce/ https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/ Books: THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK by Dr. John Gottman BLINK: THE POWER OF THINKING WITHOUT THINKING by Malcolm Gladwell

As a wife and mom, you know you are winning when: You make the successful transfer of a sleeping baby from your arms to the crib. When the black marker scribbles all over the couch AREN'T Sharpie. When your husband tells you your hair looks cute. When the poo's firm enough to plop in the toilet and do a one wipe jobber. Etc. These “wins” are precious, not because they make life easier, though that is appreciated, but because they remind us that the “powers that be,” are pulling for us not only to make it through this, but to have joy in its midst. Arguably, though, these wins could be considered so minor that you wouldn't recognize them unless you're actively looking. Right? Exactly. And in that tiny crevice in your consciousness lies the choice. Article by Malcolm Gladwell: https://genius.com/Malcolm-gladwell-the-naked-face-annotated “What is Your ‘Wife Style'?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0 Free Guide: pages.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com

Now hang onto your Shea Butter baby wipes, because I want to tell you how I met my husband and how it all ties into the core message I want to bring to the hearts of suffering mamas. Divorce involving kids is worse than being slathered in honey barbecue sauce and braving a swarm of wasps while you have “I'm All About That Bass” stuck in your head. Trust me. So my hope and prayer and fervent belief is that you will party with this Boo you have right now, and love it. But do the work, open your heart, have faith, and you will be guided. In short, let yourself be changed for the better. In this episode I tell my story, and strangely enough, share the most profound definition of evil I've ever heard. Check it out!

Beautiful one, if you are living with someone who is critical, controlling, narcissistic, selfish or just plain mean, you need a sharp set of tools and a tanker vessel full of patience, STAT! My husband recently suggested that I offer y'all the advice: “Just put his head in the toilet and flush.” Thanks for the tip, honey. Dr. John Lewis Lund has a wonderfully practical book called HOW TO HUG A PORCUPINE: DEALING WITH TOXIC AND DIFFICULT TO LOVE PERSONALITIES. It's excerpted in this episode. “What is Your ‘Wife Style'?” Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/61c0e2c4b3f4200018bf41e0 Free Guide: pages.bethechangeinyourmarriage.com