Tommy's Thursday Thoughts

Shower -The most cruel thing Mother Nature does is tease us in the middle of winter with that one warm spring weather day. Like last week there was a beautiful, sunny 60 degree day and you start to think “Oh wow spring has sprung! It's finally here.” But it's not! It's now back to being like 30 degrees. It's basically like a teaser trailer that gets you really excited for a movie that's not coming out for another year. It's just that sexy minx Mother Nature being that cocktease we all know her to be. Shaving -One of the worst feelings of anxiety was as a kid when you were absent from school for a day or two and then came back and felt like you missed EVERYTHING. It felt like you would never catch up in class. New friend groups were formed. There were a million inside jokes you missed. 1st Grade Tommy who famously had strep throat 7 times in a single year would often feel very, very left out. Lip balm -I just want to take a second and give a quick shoutout to anchovies. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't like anchovies. But that's the thing. Everyone hates anchovies and yet, they just keep sticking around. Popping on menus. Being toppings on a bunch of stuff. And people almost never order anchovies. In fact, they'll often go out of their way to remove anchovies from the food item. But that doesn't deter anchovies. No. They are a resilient bunch. The world has tried to bully them out of our culinary circuit and yet they are still standing strong. Some thick skin on these fuckers. Deodorant -One of my pet peeves is when you tell someone you're tired, and they then try to invalidate your tiredness by talking about how tired they are. “Oh YOU'RE tired? Well I had to do all this and I didn't sleep well and blah blah blah.” Two people can be tired. There's an infinite amount of tiredness to go around to everyone. We don't need to gatekeep tiredness. Hand moisturizer -I can't imagine being the leader of a very, very large country and thinking, “You know what? This isn't enough. I need more land to rule.” That's just so much added responsibility to invade another country. Ugh, the planning that goes into that must be so tiresome. Expensive. And not to mention, the country you're invading is gonna for sure be pretty mad at you. Rightfully so. And I hate when people don't like me. It's like my least favorite thing. I wouldn't want to just get on the bad side of an entire population. No. If I was the leader of a country, I'd be more than satisfied with the land that I have. “This. This right here is plenty to rule.” Hell, I might even give some land away if I thought it would make people like me more. Face moisturizer -There's nothing I hate more than when people sell out and become shills for a product that they're financially tied to and paid to promote. Because true artists are starving. You can't replicate that hunger and desire once you get the bag. It just feels disingenuous and rubs me the wrong way ….. Anyway, you can buy all these lovely Would grooming products I've been using at getwould.com or at your local CVS. Thank you for your time.

-For the “who are your 3 dream dinner guests?” question, I feel like every person should choose Jesus as their first overall pick. Because even if you're not religious and you don't believe in God, I think you just gotta the lowdown. See what he's all about. Is he really the son of God or was he just a random dude? Test him. Make him turn water into wine at the table. And if he really is a miracle worker and all this stuff is true, then you will probably be handsomely rewarded in Heaven. Otherwise, there might be a little hold up at the gate where he says like “Hey remember when you could've invited me to dinner but you picked Will Smith instead?” Straight to Hell. -I don't like the “clap police” who thinks it's their job to decide when it is and isn't acceptable to clap. People get so mad when people clap after a movie ends or when a plane lands? Why? That seems like a great time to clap. You just survived the miracle of flight. You should clap. You should celebrate. you should go bow down to the pilot and kiss his feet and it would all be justified. -I think I'm out on HIPAA. I went to the dentist last week and we were talking about work and he mentioned he'd seen a few other Barstool employees in the past and when I asked who, he said “Oh sorry I can't. That's a HIPAA violation.” What? That's not some private thing that needs to be protected. I'm not going to think less of someone for going to the dentist. It should be a positive thing. HIPAA needs a little more sense. -Whenever I'm the first person in my party to arrive at a bar or restaurant, I always do everything in my power to make sure people know I'm not alone when I get to the table. I'll start filling up multiple water glasses. Throw my jacket on a different seat. I want it to look like someone's in the bathroom or something so people don't think “Oh there's Tommy Smokes by himself being a pathetic loser.” -Anytime I have a tech problem with a phone, laptop, TV, whatever it may be, I'm always convinced that no simple update or online solution will help. I always think I'm the first person that has ever had that problem and that I'll need to buy an entirely new device but then pretty much every time I Google it, I find someone describing the same problem essentially word for word. -Whenever I'm on a long line, and it's finally my turn to go up, I feel so much pressure to be the hero that goes quicker than everyone else did. Maybe it's the Target self checkout line, I'll sort of give everyone a look back like, “Don't worry boys, I got this.” And I want everyone to appreciate how fast I am but I feel like most of the time nobody notices or cares.

-I don't see the need for a “text me when you land” when someone goes on a flight in today's day and age because if something goes south, I'll find out about it. That would certainly be frontpage news. As long as I don't see a news story about a massive plane crash, I'm just gonna assume you landed safely. -Typically, when someone is bad at receiving compliments, it's because they always deny it and are like “Oh no, that's not true. You're too kind.” But I'm bad at receiving compliments, not because I deny it, but because I accept it and then one up with my own compliment to myself. If someone says “Tommy you have nice eyes” I'll say “Oh I know. They're amazing. Have you gotten a good look at him? A beautiful green.” Or “Tommy you're a pretty good actor.” “No I'm a great actor. I was actually the star of all my plays and can probably star in a movie one day.” So I like getting compliments, but just one I'm going to one up you. -We should work on technology that somehow keeps a TV screen always in your line of sight. Let me explain. When I'm laying on my back in bed, I see my TV perfectly. But if I want to lay on my side, I can't see the TV well anymore. Same thing goes for couches, recliners, etc. I'd love for there to somehow be a way that keeps the image from the TV screen moving around the room so that it's always in my line of sight and I can watch TV from any position I please. I unfortunately feel like this might be impossible. -You should be able to remove yourself from someone else's close friends list on Instagram. It should at least be a mutual decision because there's too many times where someone will add me to their close friends list and I'll think “We are certainly not close friends.” In some cases we've never even met. To just call us close friends is really making quite an assumption. -I think one job I'd be really good at is deciding when commercials should get inserted into movies when they're playing on TV. There's so many times where the movie just abruptly goes to commercial and it's very awkward. I, however, would know the perfect spots for those breaks. -A fun game to play is getting into a cab and immediately pretending like you're on the show “Cash Cab” when you're very clearly not on the show Cash Cab. Just get really excited and be like “Oh my god! I've always wanted to be on this show! What's the first question? Give me the first question!” The driver will be very confused, but no matter how much he insists you're definitely 100% not on the show Cash Cab, you can never break character. Now you may ask, why do this? I don't have an answer other than it would just be funny. Thank you for your time.

-I don't like when restaurants try to “do too much” as the kids say and serve too many different types of food. I prefer when they stick to one cuisine and perfect it. I want steakhouses just doing steak. I want Italian places just doing Italian. I want Asian places just doing Asian and so on and so forth. I never want to see a filet mignon and spaghetti and meatballs on the same menu. -The only reason people still use chopsticks is to show off and I refuse to believe otherwise. We invented better technology. And it's called a fork. It does everything chopsticks can do and more. And it's way easier to use. Still using chopsticks would be like still watching black and white TV. Or still using a Nokia flip phone. There's no reason to do those things unless you're some hipster trying to show you're better than people. -I have never scrolled past a Twitter poll and not voted in it. Even when I know absolutely nothing about the topic, I feel like I just have to weigh in. Instagram, however, I almost never vote because people can see who voted, so you really have to pick your spots wisely. -Something I've considered doing but will probably never actually follow through with. When I go out to dinner with a group of people, I inevitably have to pee multiple times and I always get anxious that people are talking about me when I'm gone. So one time maybe I'll just bring a voice recorder and leave it underneath at the table and then play it back later to see what people said about me. -People who update their phone software and apps immediately are way too trusting. I am always paranoid and assume a new update is going to break my phone, light it on fire, and send all my data to China or something. But I do appreciate you daredevils who get the immediate updates and report back to the rest of us. -I feel like a lot of classic artists were maybe not actually that good and it was more just a case of “right place, right time.” The Mona Lisa. Starry Night. Kind of shitty looking paintings. But not as many people were doing art back then so they had less competition. It was new to them. I feel like if today in 2022, I painted the Mona Lisa and showed it off, everyone would say “Shut up Tommy. That painting sucks. Stick to making TikToks you handsome and funny boy.” Thank you for your time.

I'm not someone who cares about manliness and appearing like some rugged man. I have less toxic masculinity than maybe any man on this planet. I almost exclusively order girly pink drinks. The only shot I'll do is green tea. I have never even considered throwing a punch. I once put on a wig and let a coworker finger my butthole for a video. But even with all that being said, I don't think I would ever order avocado toast. Whenever two sides are arguing, I will always believe the thing that is said to me most recently. It doesn't matter how strong the first side was, the second I hear the other side, it sways me over to them. Now I can be swayed back to the original side once they go again. Basically if I was on a jury for a murder trail, and there was an overwhelming amount of evidence to prove the suspect's innocence. DNA. Witnesses. You name it. But … the prosecution's closing argument went last? I would probably send that innocent man to die. I've never understood why people think it's more important to lock their doors when they're out of the house than when they're home. When you're not home, they just take your stuff but you're safe. When you're home, they can kill you! People will say “oh why do I need to lock the door? I'm home!” Yeah that's exactly why! If a guy with a gun comes in they're not going to be like “Oh didn't know you'd be here. My bad” and walk out. They'd shoot you in the head! Moral of the story here is always lock your doors. I feel like there's some songs that you just can't listen to during some tasks. The other day I was listening to music while I was folding clothes and putting them away and “Wild For The Night” came on. And it didn't feel right to be mouthing “We're going wild for the night fuck being polite” as I was folding a sheet and trying to find matching socks. -You can say “good morning” to start an interaction but not to end one. It's a hello not a goodbye. Meanwhile, you can say “good night” to end an interaction but not to start one. It's a goodbye instead of a hello. This is just an observation. So about six months ago, I explained to you guys my elevator problem where my building with thirty floors now only has one working elevator. That's still the case. There's still only one working elevator and there's still lines. It's a nightmare. There are two elevators that exist, but the one that doesn't work is the one that goes down to the basement where we can put our recycling and our garbage. The one that does work is, you know, you take down the lobby, then you have to take a flight of stairs down to put your garbage and recycling away. Now me, say I'm on the sixteenth floor argument's sake, it's right around there, I dont wanna give it away exactly but say Im on the 16th floor. I've been noticing recently that people have been putting the recycling boxes right by the elevator, right in the middle of the hallway. They just put their recycling boxes and I saw that and I thought, fuck these people. Like that was my initial thought. I was like, who like, this isn't a recycling area. This is a hallway, you know, just put that next to the elevator.And I'm pretty sure because I looked at, I look to see, you know, what number was on this package. And I think the people that live there are young people. So you could go down, you can go down and bring that to the bottom. Like, don't make our hallway just your trash or recycling bins. So that bothered me. But I also thought, hmm, it is kind of stupid that we have to take an elevator down and then another flight of stairs down just to put our garbage and our recycling away. So I was like, alright, maybe they should have some sort of system in place for us where we can leave it on our floor and you know, somebody else can go take it down for us, that works for the building. So then I started thinking maybe the people who started putting it there, maybe they're in the right. So here's the thing I don't know who to be mad at. Do I be mad at the people that are putting it in the hallway? Or do I still just be mad at the building for this one elevator dilemma we have going on because I'm not going to be a normal person here and just be like, oh, this doesn't really affect me, I'm gonna let it slide. I have to hate on someone. I just don't know what to do. And also, may I add that I almost didn't even do this thought because we got an email a couple of days ago that said, basically, hey, whoever is leaving recycling on this floor by the elevator. Stop doing that. And I don't want, if anyone knows me and sees this video that they think I was the one who ratted because I'm complaining about it, I didn't rat. I didn't rat. What my plan was just to rat to the internet to make this complaint about it.But I didn't rat to the building. I didnt even want to put this out, cause I don't want them thinking that I was the one who said it. Anyway, this is a really big thing in my life right now, but thank you for your time.

-I think it's crazy that people debate if it's harder to move from a rural area to a big city or from a big city to a rural area. It's infinitely easier to move from the countryside to the city. You just get more things. There's nothing hard about that. I hate hearing people complain “Oh God it's so hard being a country girl living in the big city!” Really? What's so hard about that? What's so hard about having just way more things being way more accessible and way more fun. Oh you don't have to drive an hour to go get a gallon of milk? You can go to a bar where there's people to have fun with? You can have any meal you want right at your whenever you want it? Living in a big city is the easiest, most convenient thing a person can do. -I wish it was less rude to be the official appetizer splitter when you're at a restaurant with a group. Say you're with a group of 3 other people (4 total) and you get 12 wings and 8 mozzarella sticks. It's obvious that everyone gets 3 wings and 2 mozzarella sticks. People kind of know that mentally, but everyone's afraid to say out loud “Hey we all get this amount” like it's rude or not proper social etiquette, even though that would just make things easy and fair for everyone. I usually do it anyway. -If someone ever buys something for me or lends me money, I would much rather just pay them back on the spot instead of them saying like “Oh just buy me a ___ instead” and sometimes that repayment is more than what they originally lent me. For example, the other day I went to get a bagel with my friend and I needed him to lend me 5 dollars cash. And I said I'd Venmo him back but he said “Don't worry about it, just buy me a drink at the bar later.” We're in New York City, a drink at a bar is like $11 at a minimum. Let's just square up and that's that. -I feel like as a society we kind of gloss over just how fucking insane it is that parrots talk. Parrots speak English. They repeat what we say. You can teach them words. They sing! They understand what we're saying and communicate back in our own language. And we just put them in cages and are like “Ah so funny this parrot can repeat what I say.” That's a scientific marvel. We have an animal that speaks English and nobody really gives a fuck. -Whenever I ask for more of something at a restaurant, I always feel a lot of pressure to use it all so the waiter doesn't think it's a waste. More napkins? I'm using every single one. More syrup? My pancakes are getting drowned. Coffee refill? I'm not leaving until there's not a drop left. I will inconvenience and borderline torture myself just so the waiter thinks my ask was justified. -I hate when people say things like “well you know the truth in your heart” or “At least you know you're right.” That's not NEARLY enough for me. I know that I'm right. But I also need others to know that I'm right, and that they are in turn wrong if they disagree with me. Thank you for your time.

-I think that it's dumb that Catholic schools don't teach evolution, and the reason is that the concept of evolution should just make people believe in God even more. I watched one evolution documentary recently, and I came out of it thinking “There's just no way this shit is real.” And I'm not even religious. But I mean really think about the unlikelihood of a single speck of dust appearing out of nowhere and then exploding to create everything that's ever happened. And then it creates a planet where some of it comes together to form like a piece of bacteria that then becomes a fish that becomes a squirrel that becomes a monkey that becomes a human. No chance. I think the idea of a supreme being is actually more realistic than that. It requires a bigger leap of faith to believe in evolution than to believe in God. I finished that documentary and I hung a cross in my room. I went to church. I started reading the Bible. Who knew all along that JC and the boys were the most realistic story for our existence? -I don't think anything has a bigger drop off in significance from childhood to adulthood than being fast does. When you're a kid, being fast is pretty much the most important quality a person can have. You know who all the fast kids were. They'd race each other. Speed was the most valuable currency we had in elementary school. But when you're an adult, who isn't a professional athlete, being fast might have truly zero value in society. Imagine asking another grown adult if they want to race you? Unless you're getting chased by a murderer, adulthood requires zero running. -You know how Apple sends out those emergency alerts everyone gets and our phones all beep like crazy? They should do that any day it's raining out so we remember to bring an umbrella. So often I'll forget to check if it's raining, I don't bring an umbrella, and then I get poured on walking to work. That would be a very practical use of the emergency alert system. Because let's be honest, the amber alerts? I'd love to help, don't get me wrong. The odds of me finding a missing kid 3 states away are extremely, extremely low. But the odds of me being less wet with a rain alert? 100%. -I don't like how dark mode phone people act like the rest of us are the weirdos? I keep it on the normal mode, and I don't have a problem with the dark mode but I hate when they act like “Ohhhh you don't have your phone on dark mode??? You're so weird! You're the worst! I am better than you because my phone background is darker than yours.” We just keep it as the default setting! Don't act like we're the ones who are weird for not going out of our way to change it. -I ordered Chick Fil A today. A chicken tenders meal with fries, a cherry coke, and multiple dipping sauces. It came with none of the sauces! So I complained to Uber Eats and they offered me a $5 refund on a $20 meal! That should be a full refund. That didn't ruin a quarter of the meal. That ruined the whole entire meal. I had dry tenders and fries with nothing to dip them in. I know it's only 15 bucks but it's not about the money, it's about the principle! We can't let them get away with shit like this. If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. -It's weird how undercover cops go through so much to make sure their operation isn't blown up and people don't realize they're actually the police. Like they make very elaborate, detailed plans of how to stay undercover and incognito. But then they forget one very important last piece of the puzzle which is that they all just drive the same exact car. The fact that we can so often look at a car and be like “Oh that's an undercover cop” means maybe they should go back to the drawing board and work on that part of the plan. Thank you for your time.

-Sometimes when I go to the doctor, I leave feeling like I wasn't properly checked. I want an extremely thorough check up. I want to feel like I'm going through TSA and they found a possible bomb in my bag. I want no stone unturned. Like I got a full body check at the dermatologist last week, and at the end of it, I almost said “Hey let's run that shit back one more time.” Like taking a test in school, double check your work please. In other news, I am a massive hypochondriac. -Whenever I'm in an Uber alone, I think it's really awkward to ask the driver to hook my music up to the aux cord. It's fine to do if you're with a group of people and you're heading to the bar trying to get pumped up or something, but if it's just you and the driver, I'm afraid my driver will judge my music choices. It feels like it's just a one person concert and I'm awkwardly DJing for him. So I'd rather just sit in silence. -There are certain food items that have to be specified on a menu if they come with a meal and mushrooms are for sure one of those items. I don't hate mushrooms, but I don't like them. I'd like to know if they're going to be included. A few months ago I ordered a chicken pot pie that came with mushrooms in it and that was never specified on the menu. Who the fuck assumes mushrooms are going to be in a pot pie? Then I got a meatloaf the other day that came with mushrooms covering the whole thing. Why would I assume that was going to be the case? Look, if you want to add any item to a meal that it doesn't traditionally come with, that's fine. I'm all for trying new things. But just make sure people know to expect it please. -It's very stupid that some places will charge you more money for getting a drink “on the rocks.” It's ice. It's frozen water. Water is free. And adding ice actually means there's gonna be less alcohol, the water is gonna melt and then the liquor gets diluted. So really, if anything, on the rocks should get you a discount. -I had a really weird thing happen to me earlier this week. The Powerball on Monday was $550 million and I decided to play it. I bought 5 tickets so statistically speaking, my odds were pretty high. And I actually decided that I was going to win. I thought about it, and I realized, “You know what? I would enjoy having 550 million dollars. My life would be better with that money. I'm going to win tonight.” And then my numbers just didn't come up? Which was weird because I specifically decided that I was going to win. So I don't know what got lost in translation there. I actually did call the customer service NY Lottery and said “Hey Tommy Smokes here. I think we had a little mix up” and explained the problem in detail, and they hung up on me. Weird. -Without looking at the numbers, I would assume that airline tickets to Washington DC today, January 6th, have to be extremely low. Cause it's exactly one year after the Capitol Attack and maybe you just had to go today for business or a family vacation, but it's probably tough to tell people like “DC! The 6th! I'm flying in. Me and my boys. We got a ton of stuff planned. There to take care of some business. Gonna be sightseeing a lot. All the landmarks, I'll be there.” Just maybe fly in on the 7th. Thank you for your time.

-I think I may have come up with the greatest joke of all time, but it will take a very, very unlikely scenario for me to pull it off. So first thing's first, I have to become an astronaut. I don't know if there's a school for that or how it works, but Step 1: Become an astronaut. Step 2: This is important, I legally change my name to Colin. Colin Scibelli. Awful ring to it but it'll be worth it, trust me. Step 3. We figure out a way to send humans to Mars. And step 4. I am one of those humans chosen to go on the first mission to Mars because of my unbelievable astronauting abilities. And so when I get there, NASA has a line prepared they want me to say when I become the first man to step foot on Mars. Something like Neil Armstrong's “One small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.” And they say, “Colin, you have to say this. It'll go down in history.” And I say “Yeah. Yeah. I'll say it. I'll say it.” They're worried because while I am brilliant, I'm also a free spirit who beats to my own drum. So anyway, we land on Mars and I push everyone out of the way to make sure I'm the first one to step foot on Mars. So I get out of the ship, I put my two feet down on Mars, and then I look into the camera and I say, “Ladies and gentlemen… We have just COLINized Mars.” …LMAOOOOO. And at first, everybody is REALLY mad at me. The other astronauts, NASA etc. I become quite afraid that they're going to leave me there. But luckily, the general public eats it up. They think it's hilarious. It's the funniest thing they've ever heard. So after an awkward ride back, I get back to Earth and I'm the King. Everyone loves me. I go on Fallon and host SNL. I become a massive celebrity. Oh, and I actually end up marrying Margot Robbie. -I get really annoyed when I do one of these videos where I complain about something that's really a pretty minor inconvenience in my life, but still an inconvenience nonetheless, and then people reply with a logical solution to the problem? Uhhh… no thank you. I'm complaining. I'd like to continue to complain. I didn't ask for “logic” and “reason.” I'm here to complain, so please let me continue to complain in peace. -This is a laundry room dilemma I had the other day that I'd love everyone to chime in on. I had two loads of laundry in my building's laundry room. One in the washer. One in the dryer. I timed it so that they'd be done at the same time. I could take my clean clothes out of the dryer, and then move the rest from the washer to the dryer. But when I went to do that, all the dryers were taken and I saw a lady there waiting for a dryer. So I took my clothes out of the dryer and put them in my bag to bring upstairs. And by the time I went to take my clothes out of the washer and put them in the dryer, she swooped in and put hers in the dryer I was just using. And so I turned around to put my clothes in and had a little awkward “Oh. Oh. Are you using that?” and she said “Yes.” And while I would've loved to have a confrontation with a stranger in public over social etiquette, I honestly don't think I had much of a ground to stand on. Just because I was using it doesn't mean I get it for two loads. She did stand there and claim next load. My other load was still in the washer, so she claimed it first. It really becomes a question of, is it load priority or person priority? Is it my dryer until I'm done with all my loads? I don't think I could use it for say, 12 straight loads. There has to be a cutoff somewhere. And I think it's fair that I had it for one load and she then has it for one load. The order was my load, her load, my other load. So I unfortunately didn't get to cause a scene, but I'll be looking to in the future if given the opportunity where I'm on the other side of this. -I've been seeing a lot of tweets lately listing all the bad stuff in the world - COVID, supply chain crisis, economy, wars and shit etc. Then they'll end with “AND it's 60 in December.”... But that one doesn't seem so bad? That one seems like maybe it doesn't belong with the rest of them. And I know that it's proof “the planet is dying” or whatever, but I kind of like it when it's this warm in the winter. It's just tough for climate change activists, that the worst result that is supposed to scare us, is that it's just nicer out in the winter. -So unless you live under a literal freaking rock, I assume you watched the historic livestream known as “The Shave” where I finally bid adieu to my iconic beard. And you probably saw how much I bled, which was really quite a lot. A striking amount of blood truly. And it has left me so scarred, both physically and emotionally, that I may never shave again. So for anyone out there that liked the beard, the ladies I know love the scruff, good news. I may quite literally be too scared to ever shave my face again. So I have no choice but to just become James Harden. Thank you for your time.

-I currently have the novel coronavirus and while I am a hero for still getting this video out, it's pretty mild so no need for grave public concern. But one issue I've been running into is, I'm ordering every meal in obviously, and I have contactless delivery on, but sometimes they ring the bell, and I check the peephole, and I see them standing there waiting, and I'll say “Oh you can just leave it there. Thank you.” And I worry that they think I'm rudely shooing them away as a second class citizen, like “Oh I don't want to look you in the eyes, delivery boy. Just leave it and go” but in reality, I'm just looking out for them and potentially saving their life. And I don't think they properly know or appreciate that. -So having COVID, a few symptoms and side effects I've realized are: congestion, fatigue, slight cough, and then a crippling quarter life crisis where you question every decision you've ever made and wonder what the hell your future holds. Am I going to be posting TikToks at 45 years old? Will I have a family that depends on me? Who am I as a person? What do I stand for? What are my values? What matters to me? And then also a runny nose. -The concept of sonder is fascinating to me. For anyone that is unfamiliar, it's basically the realization that every person you encounter in life, even someone that you briefly walk past on the street, and you'll never see again, is this separate person living their own very unique and complex life filled with different storylines and people and problems and ambitions. And to you, they'll never be anything more than a person you walked by on the street for seven seconds, just a minor background character in your own story of life where you're the main character, but they have their own completely separate story where they're the main character and you're just the random person they briefly passed on the street. And we're all just living our separate little stories coming together to make this beautiful thing called life. -Babies and dogs have no idea when they're in movies. They just think “oh this day is kind of weird and eventful” but when a dog is laying down on a couch getting pet in a movie, it doesn't know “I'm acting right now. I gotta nail this reaction when he rubs my head.” It just thinks it's chilling and getting pet. Dogs and babies are both notoriously stupid. -I think that in 2021, it's probably a tough sell to tell someone your favorite color is white. Even if it's just because you love wearing white, and white decorations, and white art or whatever, it's gotta be hard to go around and say “Oh man, I just LOVE the color white. It's my favorite color. It's the best color.” Just play it safe and pick blue or something. -Whenever I'm waiting on line, I feel validated when the line behind me gets longer. In fact, I'm rooting for it to be as long as possible. And I don't why that is. I shouldn't feel better about myself just because other people have to wait a really long time, but I do. I think to myself, “I am glad I got on this line when I did. And I am better than every single person standing behind me right now.” Thank you for your time.

-Since we're in the Christmas season now, I just want to remind anyone to never, ever buy someone a gift card. There's nothing more useless than getting someone a gift card to a specific store or place. I'd much rather have cash or a check because then I don't feel pressure to spend it at a certain place, I can spend it wherever I want. It's all about bank account balance. A $100 gift card to Macy's? That's not adding to my bank account balance like a check would so it doesn't feel the same. Also sometimes I'll forget about the gift cards I have. I think it also makes it harder on the cashier to ring up a gift card. And for the gift buyer, it's also way easier to just write a check than to go to a place to just buy a gift card. So please just once and for all, can we end the whole gift card process. -A few months ago I was on a plane and I arrived at my row to see a pilot sitting in the window seat. And I assume he just worked for the airline and was getting to his next stop or whatever, but I thought it would've been really funny if I said, “Uhh…. I think you're in the seat buddy. Cockpit's up there!” And I didn't say it but I bet he would've laughed and now all I can think about is how my life would currently be if I did make the joke, and I haven't slept a full 8 hours since. -Taking someone up on an empty offer is actually more rude than making the empty offer. We can't mess with the sanctity of the empty offer. One time a friend told me he was moving and I said “Oh if you need any help, let me know” obviously not being serious, and he said “Oh yeah that would be great” and then I had to explain to him “No no no. That was an empty offer. I obviously don't want to help you move. Moving is the worst.” I was being friendly by making the offer, and now you are being friendly by declining it. We need to all have that agreement. If we lose the power of an empty offer, society may crumble. -I think the world is most unified when “Unwritten” by Natasha Bettingfield comes on at a bar and the whole crowd sings together like they're all best friends. I truly think if it played on a battlefield in the middle of war, everyone would drop their guns for a few minutes and sing along because it just makes you feel so good. -The hardest decision I consistently have to make is when I wake up in the middle of the night and kind of have to pee. Like when it's not enough where I can't hold it and have to jump out of bed. But enough so that it's an uncomfortable feeling. And I try to decide “Can I get back to sleep with this level of pee in my bladder or do I have to go drain it?” Because I'm so comfortable and tired. But this feeling of having to pee is so annoying. It's a whole thing. -People should post more Instagram stories of themselves staying in on the weekend. Because if there's a Saturday night where I'm tired and I don't really feel like going out, I'll see so many Instagram stories of people at a bar or club and it makes me feel pressure to go out because I'll think “Oh well everyone in the world is out tonight.”. But that's not the case. It's just because the only people posting stories are the ones who are out. But there's plenty of people staying in, looking at all these stories themselves and feeling guilty. So if we all agree to post more stories on a Saturday at 11 PM that are “Hey look I'm in bed watching a documentary and eating ice cream” we'd all feel better about ourselves. Thank you for your time.

-We talk about the American dream a lot and how there've been so many ambitious people who have set lofty goals and achieved them. Many examples throughout history. But I think the most impressive example of this is the guy at The Michelin Tire Company who decided, “You know know what guys? I get we've been doing the whole “making tires thing for awhile” but I have a new idea….. Why don't we just tell everyone what restaurants are good?” And then the whole world listened. To the people who manufacture rubber wheels. About what food tastes good. It's incredible they accomplished it. It would be like if Home Depot said “We'll actually be deciding which moves are Award worthy from here on out” and just did their own Oscars that everyone watched. Good for Michelin. -With all the talk about Spotify Wrapped this week, it really makes me hope God has a “Life Wrapped” waiting for us at the Pearly Gates. I want to know how much time I spent sleeping, in the shower, on the toilet, watching movies, watching sports. How many words did I say? How many people did I meet? My total distance walked. What foods and drinks did I consume the most? Where is everything I ever lost? It would make the whole dying thing not so bad. -It's obviously annoying when you get a waiter or waitress who barely pays attention to you and doesn't come by enough for refills and whatnot, but equally as bad if not worse is the waiter on the extreme other end of that spectrum. The overbearing, overattentive waiter who won't let you have a few minutes of peace. The other day I had a waitress refilling my glass every time I took a sip of water. I would see her circling like a shark, eyeing me down every sip I took. It made me not want to drink at all and then I end up just as thirsty as if I had a waitress who didn't come over at all. -I recently heard about a charity that raises “awareness” for homeless people. And that seems a little unnecessary to me. Like we should help homeless people, sure, and raise money for them and try to get them into better living situations and employed and what not, but as far as literal awareness goes? I think we're pretty set on that. Take one walk down a street in New York City and you'll be plenty aware of homelessness, you don't need a charity just for that. -Every year around this time, I tell myself that I'm really going to get into the Christmas spirit this year. As if I was a kid again. I'm gonna watch Christmas movies, listen to a bunch of Christmas music, look at lights and eat cookies and all that shit. Hell, maybe even go caroling? No probably not that, but still other stuff. And then I just never do and Christmas sneaks up on me and it's already the 25th. I expect this year to probably go the same exact way. -It's good that we've reached a point in America where racism and bigotry are condemned by almost everybody, and we've learned a lot and we're more tolerant of others and whatnot. But it's kind of funny how around the holidays, it almost switches to a competition of whose family is the MOST racist. All of the Internet kind of gets in a “my family is more racist than yours” off. Like “Oh you think what YOUR uncle said was bad. Well get a load of MY grandpa said.” Very strange. Thank you for your time.

-I never know what the protocol is on putting just coins in a tip jar. Like if I get 47 cents back, I don't really want to carry that around, I'd rather get rid of it and just dump it in the tip jar. And it's better than giving nothing, but for some reason it feels like it's worse. You hear that clang hit the bottom of the can and it just makes you feel so cheap. It somehow makes you feel cheaper than giving nothing at all, even though that shouldn't be the case. -While I am a big fan of pasta, I rarely find myself getting it as my main course when I go to an Italian restaurant. Because when you get a main pasta dish, you don't get a side. If I get a meat entree, I'm getting a side of pasta and it's the best of both worlds. If they offered me a little piece of meat as a side to pasta, I'd probably order it more. -We've reached the time of year where every single second that I spend outside, I'm just wishing that I was inside. And that's how I know we're officially in the winter. -There's nothing worse than a relationship overestimater. What I mean by that is someone who consistently overestimates what their actual relationship is with a person. It could be someone who thinks you're really good friends, when you're just merely acquaintances. Or what's really embarrassing is when they'll say things like “Oh yeah I really know the waiter here, he'll hook us up” or “Oh all the Starbucks baristas here know me. They always have my order read” or “Oh the worker at this deli knows me well. I'm here all the time.” And they try to brag about it, but in reality, they're just like an average customer to these places. If you're going to brag about a relationship like that, they better really roll out the red carpet otherwise it's very embarrassing. -Getting in an Uber with someone when it's on their account kind of feels like being a guest at someone's house. You want to be on your best behavior and not hurt their passenger rating at all, much like if you make a mess at someone's house or something, you feel bad about it, but also at the same time, there's a part of you that feels like “Well, at least that's not really MY problem.” It's not my house to clean up or my Uber passenger rating taking a hit. -We've officially reached a point where if someone put a gun to your head and asked you, “Does Tommy Smokes have a goatee? Tell me the truth or I kill you” which is a very realistic scenario that could definitely happen, you would have to say yes. It might not be a full beard yet, but there is a noticeable amount of hair on my chin. The problem is, if I can break character for a second here, is that when I meet someone who doesn't know me, I feel like I have to explain to them that what's happening on my face is really just a bit. Like if I meet a girl at a bar or something, I need to acknowledge it like “Hey, I just need you to know, that I know, this looks bad. I don't want you silently judging me thinking that I think this looks good. I know how it looks. I really just wanted to make a few TikToks about it.” I need other people to know that I'm in on it.

-There's nothing more stressful than an eye exam when they're asking you what lens looks clearer. There's so much pressure, and sometimes I can't tell the difference! They look the same, but it feels so high stakes. It feels like a competition or a test where you need to get the right answer, but it's really just for your own benefit to make sure you see properly. But I wish they could just tell me which one's clearer and take the pressure off me. You're the doctor! Oh and by the way, that eye puff machine thing they do shooting air into your eye? Bring that to Guantanamo Bay because that is pure torture. -All restaurants should be required to tell you the serving size of appetizers. Wings. Chicken tenders. Sliders for sure. Potato skins. Mozzarella sticks. Anything in that vein, it needs to say on the menu how many come with it for splitting purposes. Save us the time of asking the waiter, and put the number in parentheses. -I feel like the New Testament has kind of skated by on that “new” tag for a little too long. It's been like 2000 years now. “New” seems like quite a stretch. It should be “Really, Really, Really, Old, Ancient Testament” And “Slightly Less Old But Still Really Old Testament.” That's why people don't go to church as much anymore. They've heard the same stories over and over and over. It would be like a TV show just running the same season every year. They should just write some new shit if they want people to go to church more. -So usually in these videos, I consider myself a teacher of sorts. I give everyone little tips and advice on how to live life correctly and how society can improve. But I'm flipping the script here, I need advice from you guys for once. How often am I supposed to wash my fucking hoodies? Shirts, underwear, socks, I know are every use. Pants after a few wears. Jackets? Never obviously. But hoodies? Not a clue. Every use seems unnecessary. They're not against your body. But definitely more often than a jacket because they're on you for longer. But not TOO often because they get a lot less soft. I guess it maybe depends on how long you're wearing them for in a single use. And then it's just kind of a smell and stain thing where you feel it out. But I wish there was just a more set rule of how often they get washed because it's probably the biggest problem in my life right now. -Someone telling me I'm “underrated” kind of feels like it's not really that good of a compliment. It's like saying, “Hey I know you're not popular with other people, but I like you!” I think I'd rather someone say I'm overrated because that implies that the general public thinks highly of me and you specifically just don't. It reminds me of a DM I got recently where a girl said she was “unironically attracted to me.” That felt rather insulting. Are you implying that most people are ironically attracted to me? That's… mean. Thank you for your time.

-If God himself came down to me and said, “Hey Tommy. I'm giving you the power to make Earth paradise. The planet and nature will be protected. World hunger will end. There will be world peace and prosperity for all. But the key to all of this….is you can only use paper straws for the rest of your life.” ….. Well… Let's just say there'd still be a lot of hungry people out there. -I think eating a really great meal might actually give you more sadness than happiness. Because hear me out. While you're eating it, it's amazing and you love every bite. But the amount of sadness you get during those last few bites, when you're just seeing that you're running out of food and it's a ticking time bomb, that makes you so miserable. And seeing that empty plate get taken away. It's horror. So for your overall mood, it might actually be a net negative. -I think one official sign of being an adult is when you no longer have to call your mom and ask what's allowed to go in the microwave and how long it should be in there for, and if it'll blow up your apartment and/or give you cancer, and if that is the case… well then I am still not an adult. -A sad realization I came to is that I'm currently at a stage in my life where it's impossible for me to get my back scratched or tickled or drawn on. And it sucks because it feels so goddamn good. I mean as a kid your mom can do it. But I'm obviously too old for that now. If you're in a relationship, your significant other can do it. If you're a girl, you can do it with your girl friends. But as a single, 25-year-old guy, I have no options. I can't just say to my group of guy friends, “Hey you boys wanna do a back scratch sesh together?” And I don't really want to be in a relationship right now, but I'm considering getting in one just so I can get a week of back scratches, and then break up. Or maybe there can be an app to meet people where you just scratch each other's backs. Call it “You Scratch My Back, I'll Scratch Yours.” That's actually genius. -It's sad that as a society, we've just completely lost “Sorry my phone was off” as a valid excuse. At one time years ago, it was plausible someone shut their phone off for a bit. Now? We all know it's on 24/7. Maybe you can try to get away with the “it died” excuse but even that is a little fishy because we all charge it immediately. But today if someone told me that The Lochness Monster and Santa Clause broke into their apartment and had a tea party and started making out and then stole their phone to take pictures and threw it out the window, I'd believe that before I'd believe that they just voluntarily shut their phone off.

-When I'm going through security at an airport or anywhere really, I prefer when it's more strict. If I'm about to go through a metal detector, I might even leave a couple coins in my pocket just to make sure that it's working properly. The other day I left an opened water bottle in my backpack and TSA didn't even flag it and that made me nervous. First it's half a Poland Spring. And next is what? A bomb? I'm trying to keep these people on their toes and they're asleep at the wheel! -I think a funny Halloween costume would be to go as a really outdated viral trend and just pretend like it's current. Like this year, everyone is going to be the Island Boys or someone from Squid game, but while they all zig, you zag and dress up as Alex from Target, the good looking cashier dude, or the Damn Daniel Vans guy, or Ken Bone, or maybe the “Charlie bit my finger” babies if you really want to throw it back. And then act like they're the crazy ones when they think it's a weird costume, “Uh you don't know Alex from Target? He was so viral he ended up on Ellen. Quit living under a rock.” These people might think you just got out of a coma, but still funny. -I really don't like cleaning often, it's just annoying and quite a chore, but whenever I do decide to do it, I clean like I'm trying to wipe down a murder scene. No half-ass cleaning. Just go all in like the bathtub scene in Breaking Bad scrubbing down every last fingerprint and speck of dirt I see. I'm not wasting all that time and energy just to have to clean again in a week. No. I do one thorough cleaning that could last a full year if I'm lucky. -Isn't it just the absolute worst when you think someone is saying “Hi” to you, but they're actually talking to the person behind you. Or when like, I don't know, let's take this totally hypothetical example. Your name is Timmy Stokes and you work as a content creator at an entertainment company and maybe you post a lot of TikToks, and recently your TikTok has been doing really well, and you just crossed 100,000 followers, and also you're really really hot, but anyway maybe a big famous TikTokker comes into your office one day, let's say, I don't know, for argument's sake we'll call him Bryce Hall, and he's walking around and he points right at you and says “I see your TikToks all the time” and you get really excited and think “Oh my God wow. I mean makes sense. I did just cross 100,000 followers and recently met Josh Richards who I'm basically best friends with now so they probably share my TikToks together in their group chat. This is amazing” but then he's actually talking about the person behind you. God, that would be so awkward. Can't imagine that. Both the hello thing and that would really suck. -I wonder how it became common coffee maker etiquette that you take out the previous person's dirty coffee filter, put your own in, and leave that there for the next person. You'd think everyone would just put their own and throw their own out when they're done. But this way is just so commonly accepted. Strange! -Whenever I'm walking in the rain with an umbrella and someone without an umbrella walks past me, I'll raise mine a little higher so they can get just a brief few seconds of protection. It really doesn't do much, but I feel like if God's on the fence with Heaven or Hell for me, this could be a few good points in my favor.

-I hate when a waiter bullies me into being done with my meal. I might just have scraps left that I'm picking at but then he'll come over and say “you done with that?” and what am I supposed to do, shoo him away and make him come back again just so I can eat another half bite of food? And if I do do that, then I feel a ton of pressure to basically lick the plate clean and leave not a single morsel of food left on that plate so it justifies my decision. -We're about to enter the time of year where you have to make a decision about bringing a jacket out to a bar. Because it's gonna be cold when you walk there, but inside it's gonna be warm and you'll want to take it off. But you don't want to hold it. You also don't want to put it down because there's thieves everywhere. It's unlikely the place has a coat check. Sometimes I get so stressed out about it that I just don't go out for the entire winter. -I always think it's weird when adults obsess over if a little kid has a girlfriend or like when they try to set little kids up who are around the same age. Who cares if this 8 year old kid has a girlfriend at school? They're not gonna last. They know nothing about what it means to be in a serious relationship. Or sometimes they'll say “oh this male baby and female baby were born around the same time, maybe they'll date one day.” Highly unlikely. They might not be compatible, they might not have the same goals and ambitions and want to share their lives together. That's a major commitment that these moron infants aren't even close to ready for. -I don't know what it means when someone talks about Mercury being in retrograde, but I do that it means I probably won't like that person. -Sometimes I actually kind of like when a place messes up my order or something goes wrong, and then I just know I'm going to get something for free in return. Like I went to Chipotle the other night and they were out of black beans, pinto beans, white rice, brisket, and queso. I was planning to have 3 of those things in my meal, but I looked at it as a positive. I was still able to build my burrito bowl with other stuff, and I had the grounds to send Chipotle a customer service email complaining about how unacceptable it was for them to be out of that many ingredients, and I'll now likely be getting two free burrito cards in return so overall, huge win. -A funny way to make people uncomfortable would be when you're on the elevator going down and the door opens and you instinctively think it's the lobby so you start to step out, but it's actually just a lower floor and someone else gets on, so you gotta step back in and then it would be funny to just be really really hard on yourself for it. Like look around to the group and just say, “I'm sorry guys. I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm such a worthless piece of shit. This is why she left me. This is why my parents got divorced.” Just really lay it on and watch everyone squirm

-Everyone is a bandwagon fan when it comes to drivers vs. pedestrians. It just depends what side of the situation you're in at the moment. If I'm a pedestrian, I walk like I have the right away no matter what, crossing streets without a care in the world for a mac truck 3 feet away from me, “Ah these cars can wait a second, I got places to be.” But if I'm driving or in a car, and a pedestrian walks in front of me and holds me up for 10 seconds, I'll start thinking, “Who does this piece of human filth think they are walking in front of my car? Holding me up? You entitled fucking dirtbag.” But deep down, I know I do the exact same thing. -I'm jealous of people who are stupid and empty minded enough to medidate. I could never meditate. I'm way too smart. My mind is too active. My brain is too powerful. I can't just shut it off and clear my head like I'm some kind of moron, but I do envy those idiots who have the power to do that. Seems really great and relaxing. Enjoy it. -Here is a sitcom-like scene I really want to happen in my future one day. I'm married to my wife of 2 years and the honeymoon phase is wearing off and that spousal resentment begins to bubble up underneath the surface. She has a brother who's troubled and has been in jail before. Nothing too crazy, maybe a non-violent theft of some sort or something regarding drug possession. The details are unimportant. But I'm not crazy about him and think he's bad news, and he's not crazy about me either. Doesn't think I'm “man enough” to be protecting his sister. He has has an extremely outdated view on relationships. But one Saturday, my friend Bill is over to watch some college football and throw back a few beers. He lives down the block. He's been married a little bit longer so him and his wife hate each other even more. And he says, “Hey Tom” (I'm going by Tom at that point), “Why don't you come over to my place tomorrow for the Giants game? I'm having a few buddies from work over.” He's a blue collar union guy of some sort. My wife is in the kitchen and overhears this (and this isn't to say she's always in the kitchen or whatever. We're a modern couple. She's not expected to just cook and clean. She has a full time job. We order in a lot. We have a cleaning service. I grill from time to time. But in this instance she does just happen to be in the kitchen), and she says “He can't tomorrow” like answering for me which makes my resentment bubble up a little bit more. But she's right because we have plans to go to her brother's house tomorrow for a BBQ. And I say “Yeah can't tomorrow. I'm going to the in-laws house. Or should I say… the outlaws house” (referring to his past imprisonment). And Bill really eats it up, he erupts in laughter because he knows about the situation. He's abreast. My wife gives me a stern “Thomas!” but deep down she knows it's a brilliant pun, but she has to defend her family. Anyway, the conversation then gets interrupted because my agent calls to offer me a role in a new film because I'm an A-list movie star at this point. -The person responsible for putting the “tear here” label on little packets very rarely knows the actual place you're supposed to tear. -If I had it in me to be a truly bad and mean person, I think it would come out most when I'm at a store buying many, many items and the cashier still asks, “Do you want a bag?” Like I'd love to just say, “No I don't need one. I was actually planning to grow 8 more arms out of my body so I could hold all this you fucking moron. How about you use your head?” But that would really make me an asshole and I don't have that in me so I just say “Yes please” Thank you for your time.

-I'll never be one of those “say it to my face” people. I'd much prefer for you to talk bad about me behind my back or behind a keyboard. I don't want to have a fucking awkward confrontation. If you call me a shivering little pussy on Twitter, I can just keep scrolling and go about my day. You do that in a group chat without? I'm blissfully unaware. You do that in person, to my face? Ugh. Then I gotta fucking pretend to be mad and defend myself. Things would maybe escalate to getting physical. No thank you. Let's avoid all of that. I'll just stay willfully ignorant and keep thinking everyone likes me. -If I was a billionaire, I wouldn't spend my money going to space. Or investing. Or buying art. Or fighting climate change and donating it to the needy or any of that useless shit. No. All I would do is buy up a ton of commercials for myself. I did some research and if I wanted buy up all the commercials in a Sunday Night Football game, it would only cost me $40 million. Which, if I'm Jeff Bezos with 191 billion, is really not that much. Just an hour worth of my own commercials spread across the entire broadcast. You wouldn't be able to escape me. I'd do my thoughts. I'd do some skits. Maybe a black screen where you think you got rid of me but nope I pop in from the side “Hey gang, it's Tommy again.” Fake people out where they see a car driving down the highway and think it's a car commercial. Nope. Tommy's driving. Shot of a family eating together at McDonald's. Pan out a little. Tommy's eating at the table next to them. I'd eventually become the most hated man in America. They want to watch their beloved Cowboys but have to hear me talking about restaurants and Ubers. People would be begging to see Flo from Progress again. -There's nothing quite like the thrill of getting a good picture of yourself. Guys specifically, we don't take a lot of pictures. And most of the time, it's an alright picture or something looks bad. But every so often you just get that perfect picture and you can ride that thing like a thoroughbred horse at the Derby. You only need one every like 3 years. But boom - Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, dating apps, new profile picture. Maybe you do a weekly video series on Instagram and you throw it in there. Need as many eyeballs as possible on it when everything in the universe comes together for that perfect moment. -It's crazy how much dogs love treats. Nobody in the world loves anything as much as dogs love treats. You can make them do anything with a treat. You can have a dog refusing to go in its cage. Just does not want to be in there. But if you just throw a treat in, they can't help themselves. They know it means they have to do the very thing they don't want to do and go in that cage, but it doesn't matter. They still do it. You can see them pause and weigh the pros and cons. The con is “Damn I'm gonna be stuck in this small cage for hours on end.” And the pro is “I get to eat this sweet little cookie for about 15 seconds” and they just always choose the treat. It's an unbelievable amount of power. I'd say there's nothing that can make humans behave that way, but then I remembered there is…. it's called money and capitalistic greed. -We need to come to an agreement as a society that if you're snoring in public, all strangers have the right to wake you up. If you're on a plane or train and you're snoring loudly, stopping everyone else from sleeping, you're allowed to, not be killed, but maybe just have water splashed on your face or something. This is about the greater good here. Thank you for your time.

-If I was ranking the things I remember learning about the most in elementary school and high school, they would be: World War II and the holocaust, slavery and the civil rights movement. And then what to do if there's a fire. There were so many fire drills. So many presentations from firefighters. I remember thinking “stop, drop, and roll” was going to be a major part of my life. I was prepared for adulthood to mainly just be a constant of cycle consistent of surviving fires. We went over the protocol SO MUCH. I imagine school board meetings are just “alright let's the curriculum for this year: Math, history, science, what to do in a fire obviously, english, social studies. I said the fire thing already right?” -I find it pointless for a waiter or waitress to ask “Have you been here before?” at the start of your meal. It really doesn't really matter whether you say yes or no. Nothing changes based on your answer. And even if I haven't been to that specific place before, I have certainly been to other restaurants before. And they're all pretty much the same. I think I have the hang of it by now. I might just start answering “No but as long as you guys do the standard “order food, get it, and pay” thing, I think I'll be alright.” -My dream in life is to go to a fashion show one day and a model starts to walk down the runway, but maybe she's new and inexperienced and she gets really nervous and says “Oh no I can't do this!” and runs off the stage. And then the whole crowd is quiet, I perk up, and say “More like a runaway model!” And then everyone abrupts in laughter, maybe a Tommy chant breaks out in the crowd? One of the models is like “You're the funniest man ever, marry me!” and we live a happy life together and start a beautiful family and my firstborn is a son who can carry on the Scibelli family name. -It's crazy that the white tank top undershirt has two pretty offensive nicknames. You can't refer to that item of clothing without feeling like you're maybe saying something wrong. You can call it a guinea tee (I can say it, I'm Italian). Or if you're not comfortable with that, your other option is wife beater. So you have to choose: do I be insensitive towards Italians or domestic abuse? -It's pretty crazy how there's just rhyme or reason to the consistency of our seatbelt laws. If you're in a car, wear it. Unless you're a passenger in a taxi then forget it. Buses you're in the clear. Trains? Don't fucking ridiculous. Obviously don't need them? Planes maybe? You gotta look at a little flashing light and obey whatever that says. Just not a shred of common sense goes into these decisions. Just nothing about the whole thing makes any sense.

-It's weird to think that thousands of years ago before calendars were invented, people just had no idea how old they were. Ages just weren't a thing. You'd walk around and if someone asked, “Hey how old are you?” you'd just say “I don't fucking know. What does that even mean? I've been around for awhile it feels like. I could be 28. I could be 11. No cavewomen could do like a birthday week celebration. Nobody had any fucking clue. -The term “over the counter” drugs has never made sense to me. You'd think over the counter drugs are prescription drugs that you have to get from the cashier behind the counter. But it actually means non-prescription drugs that you can just get in the aisles. No counter needs to be involved at all in that process.. They should really be called “in-the-aisle drugs.” -Nothing makes me feel better than walking into my local Starbucks to pick up my mobile order and the barista saying “Oh hey Tom, working on that right now.” I like to look around and the other peons waiting in line and give them a smirk to say “You guys see that? Yeah I'm better than you.” -I think the biggest tease in life is when you're on hold for a really long time and then the ringer abruptly cuts for a second or there's a brief pause, and you think “alright someone's answering” but then the music just like restarts. I kind of feel like they do that on purpose to keep our hopes up. -If I ever go to a rodeo one day, it actually would in fact be my first rodeo. -It has to suck when a really popular band breaks up and the main couple of singers and guitar players, even the drummer, probably go their separate ways and have solo careers. And then you're stuck being like the fucking keyboard player. He has to be pitching so hard for them to stay together, “Guys I really don't think we're ready for our solo careers yet. Please. Can we just do a few more albums?” Guy's gotta feed his family somehow.

-It's always funny to me when a girl will put in a dating profile something like “we'll along if … you like The Office.” Like that's just not true, statistically speaking. It's maybe THE most popular TV show of all time. Hundreds of millions of people have seen it. You can't possibly get along with all of them just based on that. Some people who have seen it are murderers and ___ You're gonna get along with them? Because they like when Jim does his little look into the camera.. Or another one is “All I ask is that you… watch the Office.” What an incredibly low bar. You can be the worst boyfriend ever. Ignore her, argue, cheat on her, but if you can just snuggle up and watch Jim and Pam's wedding episode then all is forgiven. -I keep seeing ads where people are now getting rewards for getting vaccinated, and it feels to me like that's going to have the opposite effect of what they intended. Because 6 months ago, it was just “Get the vaccine please” and a bunch of people did. Then it was like “Get the vaccine and we'll give you a free donut!” Then it was like a $20 raffle ticket and now you just can straight up get like 100 bucks for getting it. If I wasn't vaccinated already, I'd start thinking about a holdout situation like I'm an elite wide receiver. Because it's only going up. Eventually it's gonna be like “Come get the shot, and you'll get a brand new car.” There's going to be a “Deal Or No Deal” vaccine game show. “We'll give you $47,000 to get the vaccine. Deal or …. No deal.” I just think if the goal is to get people vaccinated, maybe there's gotta be some like depreciating value on these rewards. -I think it's important to be just a little bit of a shitty person so that you don't become one of those “only the good die young” people. If you're just a pure soul that everyone loves, best person ever, you better watch out because those are the types that get booted off this planet early. So just be a little bit of a bad person and you'll probably stick around longer. -I really despise crackers in my soup. I don't see the appeal of it. Who was eating a nice, hot bowl of soup and thought “You know what this could use? Some wet, soggy bread.” Have a little culture please. -Whenever I'm going out with a group to a restaurant, or a game or something, I always know the perfect order in which people should sit. It's the first thing I think of. I find out the group that's going and then think “Okay this would be the optimal seating arrangement that would produce maximum enjoyment for all parties. But unfortunately, it's not socially acceptable to act on it and tell people where to sit. Sometimes I do it anyway though.

-I'd like to have a conversation with the person who decided that, “Hey you guys know lobsters? Wouldn't it be funny if we made them the most expensive item on the menu and as a fun little bonus, you'll also have to do manual labor the entire meal if you want to eat it?” No other food requires that level of effort. Meals shouldn't come with their own tool. Pretty much all other foods, you either eat with your hands, a spoon, a fork and knife. Those are the basics. But then for a lobster they bring out this metal cracker and they're like “Yeah you will need this if you want to eat any food tonight.” Like that kind of feels like maybe it's your job. All you did was take a lobster, plop in a pot of water, and then throw it on a plate and charge me 60 bucks for it. I shouldn't have calluses on my hand after eating a meal that expensive. -It's weird how vegans are so concerned about the environment and protecting the Earth, but then they just fucking devour plants. Last time I checked, plants are living creatures that are part of the ecosystem. But you have no problem shoving kale down your throat. The reason I actually do eat meat is because I care so much about the environment that I know if we all ate plants as much as vegans do, we'd destroy the whole planet. So next time you eat a steak, tell a vegan “You're welcome.” -One difference between us and our parents' generation is that my mom knows the country that every uber driver she's ever had is from. The other day she just casually dropped to me, “Yeah I had a really nice Uber driver from Sudan the other day.” And I couldn't comprehend how she could possibly gather that information from the typical Uber small talk of “Hi how are you” and “Thanks, have a good one.” But I think she treats Uber drivers like a word at a spelling bee, “Can I get a country of origin please?” -Anytime there's a really long and specific true or false question, I just assume it's true because I'll think to myself “Wow, that's so detailed. There's no way they can make all that up.” That's actually why I believe in God. Because The Bible is like the ultimate true or false question. I haven't read it all, but they got a lot of shit in there. A lot of stories, a lot of details. A guy walking on water and turning water to wine? Your wildest imagination couldn't make that shit up so fuck it, he's probably real and shit. -I was in a gift shop the other day and saw this 50 MILLION year old fossil for $12. And that seemed like the bargain of the century. I don't know much about fossils, but if you asked me 11 minutes before that, “How much does a 50 million year old fossil cost?” I would've guessed it's locked away in a museum for 10 million dollars. Nope. 12 bucks at a Montauk souvenir store. And to boot, I think it has healing powers because I put it on the other day and my pounding headache instantly went away. Now I did also take Excedrin a little bit before that, but I'm instead gonna choose to believe that I have a magic necklace.

-When someone asks me how I'm doing and I reply “Good how are you?” and they say “Great” to one up me, it makes me want to punch them in the throat. -This is by far the most sick and deranged thing I do. When I get out of an Uber, I'll intentionally close the door too softly so it's not all the way shut first. Then I give it a second and go back to properly reshut it. I just feel like it makes me look more thoughtful and courteous, and the driver will think like “wow he took the time to make sure it was properly closed” and he will in turn like me more and give me a good rating. I am not a well person. -I was recently outside a CVS and a girl stopped me to ask if I could donate money to her anti-bullying campaign and I said no. I'm against bullying, don't get wrong. But it just doesn't feel like giving that girl 10 bucks is going to solve the problem at all. What are we going to pay these little shits to stop bullying kids? It just doesn't seem like an issue that can be solved with money. -I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about when I'm supposed to hit someone with a “what floor?” when I'm on an elevator. Is it the responsibility of the first person to ask others and hit it for them? If someone's hands are full, sure, I'll ask them. But usually I just hit my button and stand to the side so everyone else can hit their own button. -I'm so sick of hearing about Norway, Sweden, Finland, and Denmark all the time. I feel like every time a new study comes out - smartest people, happiest lives, quality of life, etc. they're always at the top of the list and I just don't buy it. They gotta be fudging the numbers or something. What does Finland have that America doesn't? I think we should start a war and destroy them all.

-Anytime I go to bottomless brunch, I treat the waiter or waitress like an enemy on the combat field. If they don't come by to refill my drink within 10 minutes, I take that as a declaration of war. I don't let them out of my line of sight the entire meal. And if they don't come back for one last drink before the buzzer? I'll wish nothing but the worst for them and every single person they've ever loved. Nothing is stopping from getting his $30 worth of bottomless mimosas. -I'm so used to getting that “end of summer sadness” from years of childhood where late August would come around and I'd get all upset because summer is over and I have to go back to school. And I feel like we're programmed to still feel that way as adults. But I've come to the realization that I shouldn't feel that way anymore at 25 because the only real changes to my life in September are that the weather gets a little cooler and I get to start watching football. -I think we can all agree that the worst people on the planet are the ones who stand up and crowd the aisle the second the plane ends. That happened the other day on my flight and everyone shot the scumbag a dirty look and he got some comments “Where are you going? What's the rush?” And his excuse was “Ah sorry, I'm Italian.” And I just have to say that as an Italian myself, we have to stop using that line to justify despicable behavior. It's definitely in the top 2 of worst things that excuse has been used for this month -My favorite weather is when it looks like it should be raining outside but it doesn't. -I think that being exactly 6 feet is the toughest height for a guy. When I tell someone I'm 6 feet, even though it is the scientific truth,I feel like they assume I'm lying and think I'm actually like 5'10”. So I might be the only guy that goes down an inch when lying about my height. I'll say I'm 5'11” because nobody lies about going up to 5'11”, they just would go up to 6 foot. So I'd rather people think I'm honest and 5'11” than a liar and 5'10”. -I've never understood how a lot of social media contests work. The ones where there's a prize for say, the 1 millionth follower of a page. Because why would anyone ever follow you until you're at like 999,000? If you announce that contest at say, 985,000 followers, then why would anyone be incentivized to follow you right then? They're all going to wait until it's way closer. Nobody wants to be the 986,000th follower of the page. They're gonna hold out. Theoretically, a contest like that should really stunt the growth of your page and make it impossible to reach your goal.

-Packing for a trip has to be the thing I stress about most in life. Even if it's for two nights, I'm packing as if I'm setting out on the Oregon Trail. Going to scorching hot Florida? Better bring a hoodie in case it gets chilly one night. Underwear and sock drawers get completely emptied out in case of any accidents. T-shirts? Might run through 3 a day, you never know. Need some nice shorts, some relaxing shorts, some nice pants, some relaxing pants. Am I going to need towels for the shower, beach, pool? Better pack 4. Go to the pharmacy and just clean out the aisles - cold meds, allergy pills, Tums. You name it, it's in my toiletry bag. And then after you pack everything, you gotta think of every single item in the world you might be forgetting. Check your bag 100 times. The whole process almost just makes leaving your house not even worth it. -I think the slowest moving time in the universe is when you're waiting for an Uber. And nothing is a bigger indictment of how impatient we are as humans. We get on our magical smartphones where we can press a few buttons and get in this fancy, fast vehicle to go take us anywhere we want, but if it says we have to wait more than like 7 minutes for it to get here, we'll start complaining about how slow Uber is and what an inconvenience it is to our lives. -One of my biggest dilemmas in life is when there's a bug inside and I want to open a window or door to let it out, but I then get worried that I'm also just giving an opportunity for more bugs to get inside. It's always extremely stressful. -I recently saw a car with a bumper sticker of the “This is fine” dog meme with the house on fire and it just really made me wonder, what kind of shit is that guy going through where he decided that his life was in a bad enough state to just permanently slap that on there and drive around with it. Like that's not an impulse purchase. That can only be bought when your life has been spiraling out of control for years. -A lot of kids like to say “Yeah school just isn't really for me” or “I'm more street smart than book smart” or “I'm not good in school, but I'm smart in other ways.” And on rare occasions, those people are right and they go on to become successful entrepreneurs. But in most cases, they're actually just bad in school because they're idiots.

-I absolutely love when someone stops me on the street and asks for directions. They looked at me and thought, “This guy looks like he knows his shit, let me ask him.” It's such an honor. And I'll always answer even if I don't know. I'll just confidentaly say oh “three blocks south and an avenue over.” Sure, I could be sending them in the completely wrong direction, but in that moment they thought of me as a knowledgable hero saving them. And that's all I really care about. -Apparently it's more politically correct to call a waiter or waitress, a “server” but to me, that sounds a thousand times worse and more degrading. Server sounds way too much like servant which is the most disrespectful thing you can say. I would bet most waiters and waitresses would prefer to not be called a server, and this is just a case of people getting offended on behalf of other people who don't really care that much. -You don't know true hate until you go to a bar trivia night and there's an obnoxious rival team at another table. A bunch of know it alls celebrating after every question and rubbing it in. It's an adrenaline rush of hatred that can't be healthy but is quite exhilerating. -A lot of people think it's great revenge when a singer writes a song about their ex. But to me, that just seems like a great honor if you're the ex to have an entire song written just about you. I would be so pumped. I would listen to it ALL the time. I'd make it my ringtone. First song whenever I get the aux, be like “hey this one's about me guys. Anyone else here have a song written about them?” Just the ultimate flex. -I never like wearing sunglasses because most of the time they're unnecessary. And when they are necessary, that means the sun is right on my face, and if that's the case, then I want to use that opportunity to get a nice tan. Also I have gorgeous eyes that should never be covered up. -I think it would be funny and awkward to start wishing people a “Happy Fertilization Day.” You would do it exactly 3 months after someone's birthday. Which do some reverse math, that would work out to 9 months before their birthday (aka a pregnancy). And just be like “Yeah this is probably about when your parents made you and you first became a fertilized egg so happy fertilization day.” And then maybe be like “Yeah in my family we celebrate that for everyone, you've never heard of that?” and maybe make them think that they're the weird one. Things like this are just how I keep myself occupied.

-I'm honestly jealous of people who have a foot fetish. There's so much material for them out there. Like celebrity feet websites, paying random people online for foot pictures. Just walking down the block and seeing someone in flip flops can make your whole Wednesday. I wish I could get turned on that easily. But for a guy like me, it's all about a girl's brain, heart, etc. -With all the advancements we've made in technology and science, I feel like there just HAS to be a better way to do laundry. Stuffing everything in the washer for 30 minutes, then the dryer for 40, folding and putting everything away, I feel like a fucking Neanderthal. There should be some machine where I put a shirt in one end, and in like 5 minutes it comes out the other side fully washed, dryed, and folded. Maybe Elon work on this instead of taking little space trips. -I hate when I find a show on Netflix or Hulu that looks good and I think I'm going to like it, but then I turn it on and the main character has a British accent. I'm not doing that shit. -If you shake someone's hand after getting out of the bathroom and you have a wet hand, the person will be like “oh gross” but they shouldn't be disgusted. They should be happy. The wet hand serves as proof of wash. A dry hand could be dried but it could also be unwashed. Then you're just touching straight dick. It's a coin flip. Give me that wet hand that I know was washed 11 times out of 10. -Here's a free tip if you want to impress a girl. Take her to a fast food place. Go through the drive through. Give your order. And then say, “This is a to go by the way.” The cashier will let out a booming laugh, and your date will begin performing oral sex on you immediately. -There's been a lot of talk lately about vaccine passports in New York City, but what I really want is a fast pass for people who didn't leave the city during the pandemic. I stayed here throughout the whole god damn thing when you people abandoned us and the streets were empty, now you all flood back and Tommy has to wait 20 minutes to get a bagel? 10 minutes at Starbucks? Unbearable lines when I make a Target run? I should get a fast pass and quite frankly, a medal.

-I think we should have more “human pride.” There's always so much infighting among different nationalities, races, religions, but at the end of the day we should come together and be like “Hey we beat out all the other species.” There's like 9 million species and we're the ones that reign supreme. Good for us. Let's direct some of that hate we have for each other and take it all out on some of these loser animals, insects, and plants that we beat out. Maybe a “Human Pride Day” where we just like squash ants and shit. Maybe lightly kick a squirrel or something. Go to zoos and just laugh. Remind them who's boss. This could really lead to world peace. -One of the worst things a person can experience in life is when you order something for dinner delivery and then immediately start craving literally every other type of food on the planet. Also the death of a child would probably be on the list. -Sometimes I think about how a big fat cut of ribeye steak and grated cheese come from the same animal and I just think like “wow that's crazy” ………. That animal is a cow by the way. -Whenever someone swears on a dead person, that means nothing to me. The person is already dead. There are no consequences. “I swear on my grandma's grave I didn't do it.” Oh what's gonna happen? Your dead grammy is gonna die again? Swear on a living person if you really mean it. -I feel bad for people from Connecticut because they have a really tough decision to make at a young age. Are they going to pretend like they're from New York or pretend like they're from Boston? -It sometimes baffles me what people decide to post on their close friends story. Like what made you decide that only your closest circle could see that you're enjoying a matcha green tea latte? -Some people run for political office to make life better for the American people, but I would run for office strictly to make my life better. I'd exclusively propose policies that fix minor inconveniences in my life. Congress would be sorting through the bills on things like war and taxes and then they'd be like “Okay we have a bill here about how if your initials are T S and you were born on Long Island in 1996 you never have to wait in line for a bagel again … And also you get a $10 million stimulus check every year?” And then I'd have to play it cool like “Oh that's pretty out there but I mean I guess it's not like the worst idea?” In due time, I would rise to be a dictator running the entire planet. Thank you for your time

-My favorite human interaction is the “we're both normal” look with a stranger. When you're in public and someone is doing or saying something really weird, you lock eyes with another bystander and give each other the look of “Hello fellow normal person, can you believe what this not normal person is doing?” It's a beautiful moment. -I don't like when people call things “historic” or use the term “history is on the line here.” Everything is historic. History is always on the line. No matter what happens, it becomes history. -I get off on learning that someone is older than me. I'm 25 and if I hear someone is like 27, I think “wow I have so much more of my life ahead of me than you do.” Even celebrities. Like Zac Efron is 33. What a loser. Hey Zaccy buddy, I have 8 years to get to where you are and eclipse you. -There's a real “haves and have nots” vibe when it comes to Presidential assassinations. There's been four and we all know the big two: Lincoln and JFK. We know it was John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald. Lincoln shot at the theatre. JFK in the convertible. But I bet some people don't even know the names of the other two: James Garfield and William McKinley. We don't know the names of the assassins. How it happened. Nothing. Imagine being a president and getting murdered, or vice versa, murdering the president, and people just forget about it? Tough. -I'm one of the more inept humans on this plant. I can't tie my own shoes. I've never driven on a highway. Sometimes I call my mom to see how long things get microwaved for. But I'm here to tell everyone that grilling is the easiest thing I've ever done. Don't let grilling culture intimidate you. You just throw stuff on the grill and flip it. Some salt. Some pepper. Some butter. That's it. Give it a shot and you become a GrillMaster just like me. -My roommates and I have recently started fostering a dog and I told myself I wouldn't get too attached since it's only for a few weeks. But after about 10 minutes with her, I have decided I would lay down my life and die for this dog. Thank you for your time.

-I hate when you're at a restaurant and someone makes it your responsibility to get a waiter's attention for them. “If he comes by, can you grab him for me” I get that sometimes it's easier given the angle, but still YOU want the waiter. I don't want to look like the needy one. Don't put that on me. Figure it out yourself you absolute piece of shit. -My biggest weakness as a person is not knowing when food expires. I just found out that fucking pickles are good for two whole years?!?! If you told me they expired in a week, I would've thrown them in the trash with zero hesitation. -If you ever want to feel better about yourself, I highly recommend playing against a little kid in a sport and just absolutely dominating him. I faced an 8 year old in basketball the other day and he had literally no chance against me. I was too big for him in the post. Too fast for him up top. I did maybe break my thumb blocking his shot, but it's worth it. Sure, it's bruised and hurts immensely. But a broken thumb lasts 6-8 weeks. That memory lasts forever. -I hope the kids who said “present” instead of “here” during elementary school attendance are all living just truly miserable lives right now. -About once a week, I debate with myself if I should order ice cream or not. I do a pros and cons list in my head, and there are so many cons. It's not healthy. It makes my stomach hurt. It's going to take awhile. It's expensive. And there's only one pro. But the pro always ends up outweighing the cons. And the pro is that I just really fucking want ice cream. -Funny new thing I do: When I sneeze and the person next to me doesn't say “God Bless You” I ask them “Have you gone to the doctor?” Perplexed by the question, they respond, “What?” I say, “To get your ears checked. You must have not heard me sneeze.” And that's on being petty. -I think it's really cool when instead of verbally saying “Knock on wood,” people just see a nearby piece of wood and knock on it. *Please see video for a full demonstration. It's borderline must watch territory* Thank you for your time.

-I hate when people complain about other people complaining about first world problems. I've been noticing some comments on my videos where I complain about a wide variety of things that say “oh this is such a first world problem.” Uhhh… yeah. I live in the first world. These are my problems. And I can complain about them. Now if I lived in a third world country, sure maybe it would be “Tommy's Thursday Thoughts Vol. 121 - God I wish I had running water” but I live in New York City and currently my main problems are a broken elevator and how to properly split appetizers. And also may I add that all of you commenting that, are probably using an iPhone sitting on a couch in an air conditioned room, so let's not act like you're some fucking child soldier in Uganda. -A lot of people like to use astrological signs to determine their compatibility with another person for a relationship, and I think that's a really good idea. Personally, my compatibility test is if someone asks me what my sign is, then we are not compatible. -I always feel bad when an iPhone app asks me if I love it, and I say no. Don't get me wrong, it can be an extremely useful app that I use a lot, but do I love my Concur Mobile Expense Report Management app…. love is a strong word that I don't just throw around lightly, so no I can't say that I do. We can be friends though. -I'm not sure if Elon or Jeffy B are watching this but if you are, I just want it on the record that I'm not interested in going to space. First of all, I don't trust rockets. Rocket science is literally known as the hardest thing in the world. Also, it seems boring. The WiFi probably isn't great. That bathroom situation must be a nightmare. The views are meh. If my choices were going to space or like half-off apps at Applebees, well I'd be enjoying some boneless buffalo chicken wings. -I hope this isn't too political but I just want to say that obviously there's some people out there who don't trust the vaccine and think it could be part of a government plan for population control, and I just want to say that if that is the case, if some shadow government organized this entire pandemic from start to finish, from the initial spread, to the lockdowns, to the vaccines all in aIl in effort to like take over the world…. Fucking tip of the cap. LIke job well done. What a masterfully executed plan. I'd be more impressed than I'd be mad, to be honest. Credit where credit is due. We never stood a chance, it'd be like one of those nights where Steph Curry is knocking down shots from half court, and there's just nothing you can do to stop it. You just gotta sit back and watch greatness work. I hope this isn't the case and I don't think it is, but if it is, round of applause. Thank you for your time.

-A funny way to make any stranger feel uncomfortable is to go up to them, ask them what their blood type is, and then after they answer, you just mutter “Ah that's probably not gonna work” and walk away. -The other day I was at a stand-up show and ordered a beer that was taking a very long time. At this point, I started complaining quite a bit to my friend about how long it was taking. So when the waitress came by again, my friend hailed her down but then pointed to me, to like alley-oop my complaint. And that was total bullshit. I was caught off guard and said, “Oh yeah can I just get that beer?” and she responded with disgust, “Yeah I put it in already.” So then I ended up looking like the rude asshole. But I wasn't at “complain to waitress” level yet. I was still just at “complain to table” level. So this is just a PSA, don't go complaining to waiters on behalf of someone else and make them look bad. Fuck you Owen. -I think that of all the superheroes, Daredevil has to be the least effective and it's not even because he's blind. But it's because he only operates in Hell's Kitchen. Like even Batman protects a whole city. Superman the whole world. The Avengers the whole universe. But Daredevil is just one blind dude covering like a 9 block radius on the west side of Manhattan. Even if you're in trouble in the East Village, that's out of his jurisdiction. -Here's a life hack for you. Whenever I'm ordering food with friends at a fast food place, a deli, or really any non-sit down place like that, I always order last. It looks friendly and I'll say “Oh you guys go first, it's fine.” But in reality, I just want to get my food last so that it's the hottest, while everyone else's food gets cold as they wait for me. Look selfless. Be selfish. That's the key to life. -Every time I do laundry, some of my shirts get really wrinkled. And I just wish that didn't happen. -I think whenever a girl posts a story of a fake Instagram page pretending to be them, it's just sort of a humble brag. They'll say like “Oh no please report this! Not me!” but deep down they're probably kind of honored that someone thinks they're hot enough to use as a catfish. And to be fair, I'd feel the same exact way. Thank you for your time.

-I wish there was a way to see what an Uber driver rated me before I rate him, because that's really all I care about. If a guy drove into oncoming traffic but gave me 5 stars, I'm giving him 5 stars right back. Conversely, if he was the best driver and nicest man of all time but gave me a 3, I'll give him a one star review and hope his license gets suspended. -There needs to be a universal set pace when it comes to splitting food with someone. Not wings or something where there's a fixed amount, but more for like nachos or chips and dip where you can't really split them exactly evenly. It's kind of just a feel thing where both parties need to be reaching in pretty synced up. I go, you go, I go, you go, etc. You can't be eating too fast and forcing the other person to keep up. But you also can't be too slow of an eater and make the other person feel bad for continuing to reach in just because you're slow. So let's just all agree to stick to an average pace when it comes to our appetizers. -Sometimes when I'm eating croissants, they get stuck to the roof of my mouth. -There's a lot of milestones that can officially mean you're an adult. You turned 21. You have two day hangovers. You bought a house. You like unsweetened iced tea. But for me, I officially became an adult on Sunday when I bought myself a steamer to de-wrinkle my clothes. -It's weird to think how in the Southern Hemisphere, they think of the north as the warm area and the south as cold. -I live in an apartment building with 30 floors and 2 elevators. The other day we got a casual saying they're doing renovations to update the elevators. Great. Make them safer. Make them nicer. Sure. But then they just casually dropped that the timetable is 23 weeks to work on one and then another 23 weeks for the other. So that's 46 weeks, a full year almost, where we'll only have one functioning elevator for THIRTY FLOORS OF PEOPLE. There are already lines with two! This isn't a minor inconvenience. This is a life changing tragedy. And for people saying “Oh stop complaining, take the stairs you lazy asshole!” What part of thirty fucking floors do you not understand? I'm not in the penthouse, but I'm about halfway up. You want people to climb 24 flights of stairs every day? This is an apartment building not an Olympic training facility. We have sent a strongly worded email because I feel like we need a month's free rent for this or something. If not, this residence company is my new arch enemy. Now that being said, if my building wants to give me free rent for a year or something, I'll become a propaganda machine on their behalf and promote this lovely complex like I'm working for Kim Jong Un In North Korea. Thank you for your time.

-I think the key to success in life is having a middle school teacher tell you that you're going to be a failure. Seems like every pro athlete and celebrity has a story of some teacher telling them to give up their dream and that they'd never achieve it. I was just a good student and my teachers said “Smart kid. Needs to participate more.” If they were a little more critical, I think I could be a movie star by now. -Kids shouldn't be celebrated or have parties for graduating elementary school. It's literally illegal to not go to school at that age. It'd be like throwing yourself a party for not murdering anyone. -The only reason to ever carry coins in your wallet is so that you can use them at your next transaction to avoid getting more coins back. It's a never ending cycle. -My wildest fantasy in life is to one day have someone ask me to “draw the curtain” for them. But then instead of opening the curtain, I whip out a nearby pen and pad and just draw a picture of the curtain. If this happens, I can die happy. -I don't like how Seamless adds a restaurant to my “Go To” list after just one order. I think you have to order from a place at least three times for it to become one of your true “go tos.” -In my 150 page master Google Doc with all my ideas for thoughts, I have written down “I feel cool drinking coffee out of a mug” THREE separate times. I don't totally know how to turn that into a full thought but it's clearly something I feel very strongly about. -Here's a fun game I play with my roommate to make elevator rides with strangers more awkward. I'll say something like, “Nick said he's bringing over bagels tomorrow.” And then my roommate precedes to not know what a bagel is. He'll say “Wait what?” And then I say “Bagels for breakfast.” “I don't know what that is” “It's like a round thing of dough. Cream cheese. Butter. eggs.” He still looks perplexed, the elevator ride usually ends, and the stranger is confused for the rest of their lives. Try it sometime and let me know how it goes. Thank you for your time