Relaxing with Rob

There’s enough criticism in the world without targeting yourself. Jess Glynne’s 2015 song, “Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself” expresses this nicely.To offer feedback on my podcast, please write to: relaxingwithrob@gmail.com

You might be less anxious if you recalibrate your stress meter and consider some problems as simply “inconveniences.” Here’s a non-affiliate link to Robert Fulghum’s book that inspired today’s topic. I also encourage you to support local booksellers and borrow from your public library.

A simple but challenging experiment could produce gratitude in the short term and creativity in the long term.

Aging may be inevitable, but holding a negative stereotype about it is not. Research from Harvard psychologist Ellen J. Langer shows that we can actually turn the clock back in surprising ways through shifts in our expectations. Here’s a non-affiliate link to Langer’s book on mindful health.

It’s normal to worry about others’ opinions of you, but it’s not necessary. Two ways to break free from this are: 1) desensitize yourself by assuming that it’s always going to happen; and 2) recognize that their critiques are directed at your “social self,” not your “essential self.” Here’s a non-affiliate Amazon link to Martha Beck’s book that I reference in the episode.

You don’t have to attend a graduation ceremony to benefit from commencement speakers. Here’s a link to Anne Lamott’s 2003 address at the University of California, Berkeley that explores mindfulness and compassion with humor and insight. I believe that in 2020, her comments have become even more relevant.

Simplifying our lives can reduce our stress.Here are three suggestions:Donate stuff.Let go of draining relationships.Act as if you already have more than enough.This is a non-affiliate link to Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s book, Gift from the Sea.And here’s a longer passage (pages 17-18) from the 50th anniversary edition:“I want first of all . . . to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can. I want, in fact—to borrow from the language of the saints—to live "in grace" as much of the time as possible. I am not using this term in a strictly theological sense. By grace I mean an inner harmony, essentially spiritual, which can be translated into outward harmony. I am seeking perhaps what Socrates asked for in the prayer from the Phaedrus when he said, "May the outward and inward man be at one." I would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which I could function and give as I was meant to in the eye of God.”—Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

Research on happiness from social psychologist Daniel Gilbert can help us in surprising ways.Here’s a non-affiliate link to Gilbert's book on happiness. I also encourage you to support your local booksellers and borrow from your library. And here’s a link to one of Gilbert's TED Talks.

In circumstances that don't require snap decisions, consider three ways of tolerating stress in order to improve your judgment.For your convenience, here's a non-affiliate link to the Malcom Gladwell book Blink that I mention.

Our beliefs about illness may sometimes help in our healing. These authors share insights on how this occurs:Rilke's book (Stephen Mitchell translation for Kindle)Jerome Groopman's Amazon pageKate Bowler's bookThe PLOS ONE study on placebos for IBS

Although you may not claim full authorship credit for your life, you can freely edit any time. Here's what might help from Donald Miller's book, A million miles in a thousand years: What I learned while editing my life. And if you'd like more, this is a non-affiliate link to his book list.

Joy can be sustained in average lives more readily than in exceptional ones. Why not experiment for just a day, and then see how you feel?Here's the link to Michael Neill's article on which this episode is based:https://www.michaelneill.org/mnct829.shtml

During a pandemic, calm rational action is far more effective than fear-based behavior. This Centers for Disease Control site is an excellent source of guidance.

Since change is the only constant in life, here are some ways to manage it gracefully.Acknowledge its reality.Stay present and mindful.Learn from past changes.Control your reactions.Focus on what comes next.

Our genetic structure is fixed, but we can influence how genes express themselves, and thus improve our health.To slow (and in some cases reverse) cellular aging:Eat healthfully.Exercise regularly.If you drink, do so in moderation.Quit tobacco products.Reduce stress.Here’s the independent nutrition site I mention: https://nutritionfacts.orgThis video summarizes research on the power of a plant-based diet (specifically in reducing saturated fat intake) to slow cellular aging.This video on stress management research highlights well-designed studies, including one showing that just 12 minutes of daily meditation for eight weeks can lengthen your telomeres—helping reverse cellular aging.

Overthinking (especially about the future) is rarely worth its price. Although learning from the past and planning for the future are essential, the real action is in the present.

Learn evidence-based ways to feel happier and more engaged. Although what you do for a living matters, how you do it is even more important.If you would like to learn more, here are some resources:https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-flow/Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York: Harper Perennial. https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/1999-11644-003

Try this guided imagery exercise to help prepare for an important event (e.g., interview, exam, or presentation). For an excellent resource on guided imagery, I recommend this book by Martin Rossman, M.D.

Since expecting perfection leads to disappointment, why not use your imperfections to connect better with people? This reduces anxiety and builds interpersonal bridges.

Being yourself is not easy, but it’s worth the risk. The song, “This Is Me,” by Keala Settle & The Greatest Showman Ensemble, might inspire your effort.

Mindfully facing our fears and flaws allows us to take action, rather than defend ourselves against them. From Rumi through Coldplay, this concept seems to endure.

Taking that first step toward your goal is great, but it's crucial to continue--in spite of anxiety. We might want a shortcut to success, but there is tremendous value in working through problems.

Although music can help you relax, it can do so much more. Experiment to find what works best, but here's a sample of what I like:"Symphony No. 9 in D Minor," Beethoven"Thunder Road," Bruce Springsteen"Still Young," The Cat Empire"Three Little Words," Branford Marsalis"Free It Up," Destra (feat. Sean Paul)"Waiting on the Stage," Machel Montano (feat. Badjohn Republic)"Like a Surgeon," Weird Al Yankovic"Keeping Your Head Up," Birdy "Glow," Nelly Furtado [opening words before the song]"Emergence," R. Carlos Nakai"Thunderstruck," AC/DC "Clarinet Quintet in A Major, K. 581," Mozart"Party All The Time," The Black Eyed Peas

A slight change to an affirmation could strengthen its power.Here's the Michael Jordan interview (1991) on Saturday Night Live.Examples of how you might structure an affirmation:Up until now, I’ve been expecting perfection; now I’m striving for excellence.Up until now, I’ve been scared of down-time; now I’m making it count.Up until now, I’ve been afraid of public speaking; now I’m growing in confidence.Up until now, I’ve been eating mindlessly; now I’m savoring food.Up until now, I’ve been fighting change; now I’m learning from it.

Time stress is common, but it can be reduced more easily than you think. Savor what you do have right now instead of wishing you had it all.Focus on priorities--your core values--instead of greater efficiency.Simplify--both in terms of possessions and people.For fast acting relief from stress, try slowing down. —Lily TomlinDecline unreasonable requests.

It may require more than a kitten poster for you to "Hang in There!" Tolerating some anxiety to achieve your goals is well worth the effort. To learn from an expert, go to this non-affiliate link about Jennifer Pharr Davis.

Having so many choices in our privileged lives can create anxiety. Although this is a totally first world problem, it's still real. I'll suggest a way to help navigate through.And the Barry Schwartz (2004) book I reference is The paradox of choice: Why more is less. New York: HarperCollins.

You may improve focus through a simple habit (e.g., "stop / breathe / reflect / choose"). It then becomes easier to make bigger changes.

In order to reduce stress by gaining control, try one of these ideas:Increase your emotional flexibility. (It's a paradox, but it works)View your current circumstances in a new way. (This can empower you)Give away control. (Others will appreciate it, and you'll benefit)

Regardless of your genetic set point, you can control up to 40% of your happiness. Based on Sonja Lyubomirsky's research reported in her best seller, The How of Happiness (2008), I share how to do this through gratitude and acts of kindness. For more information on Dr. Lyubomirsky, go to: http://thehowofhappiness.com/

Your view about the size of your problems and your power to solve them can help or hurt. Although you may be "powerful beyond measure," don't let this go to your head. In other words, "Remember that you're unique--just like everybody else!"

You can smooth out some turbulence through relaxation, imagery, and distraction.

Try diaphragmatic breathing as one way to have a break from stress and prepare for challenging events.

If you think there are two kinds of people in the world, this episode is for you. (My philosophy friends understand that while a disjunctive syllogism is a valid argument form, it's not always sound.)Here's a link to the "Good Luck/Bad Luck" fable that I reference: http://thepoweryogatribe.com/bad-luck-good-luck-who-knows/

We are meant to move, so why not do it with love?Here's the Zumba video interview I mention.

Balance is attainable, but it's not easy. Here are some paths to get there:Focus on prevention through exercise, sleep, nutrition, and support.Be grateful if your department supports work/life balance.Assertively let your supervisor know if you need a little break or some help.Ask successful colleagues how they do it, and learn from them.Don't buy everything the media sells about achieving balance.Recognize "ebbs and flows" of balance, rather than expecting a constant state.Track the hours you spend on each activity, and then make changes.Breathe slowly and consciously a few times a day.

Margaret Mead's wish for her daughter ("to nest in the gale”) continues to shape my life. Could it help you as well?

Turn nervous energy into productive focus by using these tips: Before:Keep study times brief--this reduces stress and increases recall.Imagine successfully performing in the exam location.During:Redefine physical anxiety as motivation, or focus, or energy.To counter fear, take a few slow breaths--and think something like "doing fine."After:Try "Do your work, then step back" instead of "let it go."Associate the exam with something pleasant to decondition your mind from worries.

No matter how difficult life feels, opportunities exist to find joy. These won't remove problems, but they may add balance to your perspective.

By approaching interviews in a new way ("to do a job" instead of "to get a job") Bryan Cranston's insight might help you as much as it helped him. And if you falter, just focus on graceful recovery.

These simple statements of warmth and heaviness can create the relaxation response.

Whether you are relaxing or completing a project, "lead your mind like you lead a toddler." And recognize your power of choice, rather than think that you "have to" do anything.

Searching for value from critical feedback can enhance its usefulness and reduce your anxiety.

Try any of these public speaking tips to improve performance and reduce self-consciousness:Interpret stress in constructive terms (e.g., "I'm excited," not, "I'm panicking.")Notice friendly faces just before you start.Think, "slow down" while inhaling and "let go" or "step back" while exhaling.Speak s l o w l y.Recognize that the audience is on your side and wants you to do well.Those who don't look attentive probably have other things on their minds.Focus on the content you're delivering rather than on how you appear to others.Use a mantra like, "calm, confident, competent, joyful" before starting.Smile.Aim and Hang Loose.

If you're starting college or know someone who is, this convocation address might help.Five suggestions from the episode are:Ask for help.Attend office hours.Take initiative in meeting others.Be mindful now.Don't believe everything you think.

To overcome fears of being imperfect, make a (small) mistake on purpose.

We have constant opportunities to practice mindfulness. Try one of these options:Eating.Showering.Walking.

These cognitive-behavioral strategies are the treatment of choice for most sleep problems:Don't try to sleep.Avoid multitasking in bed.Keep a fairly regular schedule.Develop a non-electronic bedtime routine.Avoid alcohol and caffeine close to bedtime.If you use sleep medication, please be judicious.Exercise regularly.If you awaken at night, don't check the time.

Three words helped change my perspective on difficulty. Maybe they'll also change yours.

Try a calming image of impermanence to soften worries and promote sleep.

Nature can heal. Use a nature-inspired poem or song for a lesson in mindfulness.