Podcast appearances and mentions of terry hargrave

Romantic relationships are sacred, powerful, and life-giving. But I don't have to tell you how difficult it is to love and let yourself be loved.Marriage and family therapist Dr. Terry Hargrave has been helping couples in crisis restore broken relationships for decades, teaching them how to get unstuck, improve communication, and move beyond destructive coping mechanisms—to find reciprocity, self-affirming confidence, emotional regulation, and a joyful, lasting love.In a world marked by loneliness, disconnection, and emotional dysregulation, Hargrave offers powerful insights on the human need for identity, safety, and belonging—and how we can heal the wounds that keep us stuck. Drawing on decades of therapeutic experience and deep personal reflection, Hargrave explains how coping mechanisms like blame, shame, control, and escape can damage relationships—and how the peace cycle of nurture, self-valuing, balanced give-and-take, and connection can restore wholeness. He discusses his unique approach to the healing and restorative power of relationships, which lifts us up to our potential, encouraging us toward a nurturing, self-valuing, non-controlling reciprocity, and true connection.In this conversation with Terry Hargrave, we discuss:How to turn around a relationship in crisis and get off the emotional rollercoasterHow to build security and trust in order to improve or repair a marriage or long-term relationshipCoping mechanisms of blame, shame, control, and escapePractical steps to learn emotional self-regulationWhat to do when only one partner is working on a relationshipThe role of the brain and neuroplasticity in relational repairAnd the spiritual underpinnings of Terry's approach to restoration therapyEpisode Highlights"It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing—until you claim your belovedness for yourself, nothing will change.""Relationships are a mirror—we discover who we are through how others see us.""Blame, shame, control, and escape—nothing good comes from these coping mechanisms.""Understanding doesn't produce change. Doing produces change.""When we nurture, self-value, connect, and cooperate, unleashed joy happens.""Thriving is doing more of your best self, not learning something new."Helpful Links and ResourcesRestoration Therapy Training ResourcesThe Mindful Marriage by Ron Deal and Nan Deal (with Terry and Sharon Hargrave)Five Days to a New Self by Terry HargraveEmotionally Focused Therapy and Sue Johnson's LegacyShow NotesIntroduction to Terry Hargrave and the importance of Restoration Therapy today"We are still the same humans, but with a bigger pipe of problems and fewer emotional connections."Emotional dysregulation linked to identity and safety threatsRelationships as a mirror to the self and necessary for human thriving"For there to be a me, there has to be a thou."Why relationships are difficult: imperfection, wounding, and unmet needsHow family of origin wounds influence coping styles"Families don't mean to screw each other up, but somehow they manage to."Introduction of the four major unhealthy coping mechanisms: blame, shame, control, and escapeHow overachievement, perfectionism, and withdrawal are survival strategies from early wounding"Your greatest strength might actually be an old coping habit getting in the way of intimacy."The relational signs that coping mechanisms are damaging relationshipsHealing through self-regulation: speaking truth to yourself with love"Put your hand on your heart and remind yourself of who you really are."The difference between co-regulation and self-regulation in emotional healingRestoration Therapy's peace cycle: nurture, self-value, balance, connection"Nothing good comes from blame, shame, control, or escape."The role of practice and neuroplasticity in forming new relational habits"Doing, not just understanding, is what rewires the brain."How thriving relationships move from neediness to adventurous partnershipIntimacy as knowing yourself more fully through connection, not just need satisfactionCooperative growth and mutual flourishing as hallmarks of thrivingApplication of restoration principles to broader societal healing and reconciliation"Unleashed joy happens when we choose nurture and connection, even with adversaries."The critical role of faith in affirming belovedness and ultimate identity"Everyone else and even God can tell you you're beloved—but you have to claim it for yourself."Practical advice for knowing when to seek therapyWhere to find Restoration Therapy-trained therapistsResources for learning more: Mindful Marriage and other Restoration Therapy booksThe key takeaways that I will carry with me from this conversation are the following:You can change. Your relationship can change. But it takes a daily practice of hard work to create lasting change.And though you might fail, there is hope that you can begin again.Our coping mechanisms are not superpowers. They hurt us and the people we love.Understanding is not enough. Action and behavior has to follow for change to occur.[Any others?] It takes two to tango, but that doesn't get you off the hook from doing the work on yourself.And finally, a thriving relationship creates joy all around it, within a family, in a community, and it shows how personal relationships can change society.About Terry HargraveDr. Terry Hargrave. Until he retired recently, he was the Evelyn and Frank Freed Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary, and a nationally recognized therapist known for his pioneering work with intergenerational families.He's most well known as the founder of Restoration Therapy, which combines advantages of Attachment Theory, Emotional Regulation, and Mindfulness—all in an efficient and organized format that allows both the therapist and client to understand old habits and destructive patterns of behavior and promote change in both individual mental and spiritual health, in order to transform our most intimate relationships.Terry has authored or co-authored over 35 professional articles and fifteen books including Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy and Families and Forgiveness: Healing Wounds in the Intergenerational Family.In his latest book project, he worked with his wife Sharon, also a licensed marriage and family therapist. It's called The Mindful Marriage: Create Your Best Relationship Through Understanding and Managing Yourself, and it's a practical manual co-written with Ron and Nan Deal about how they healed their relationship after almost losing it.He's presented internationally on relationship dynamics, family and marriage restoration, the complexities of intergenerational families, healing and reconciliation, and the process of aging.His work has been featured on ABC News, 20/20, Good Morning America, and CBS This Morning as well as several national magazines and newspapers.You can learn more about Terry Hargrave and his work—and find books, practical resources, and professional training materials at: restorationtherapytraining.com. About the Thrive CenterLearn more at thethrivecenter.org.Follow us on Instagram @thrivecenterFollow us on X @thrivecenterFollow us on LinkedIn @thethrivecenter About Dr. Pam KingDr. Pam King is Executive Director the Thrive Center and is Peter L. Benson Professor of Applied Developmental Science at Fuller School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy. Follow her @drpamking. About With & ForHost: Pam KingSenior Director and Producer: Jill WestbrookOperations Manager: Lauren KimSocial Media Graphic Designer: Wren JuergensenConsulting Producer: Evan RosaSpecial thanks to the team at Fuller Studio and the Fuller School of Psychology & Marriage and Family Therapy.

In this episode of the Asking Why podcast, host Clint Davis engages with Dr. Terry Hargrave and Sharon Hargrave, pioneers of Restoration Therapy. They discuss the integration of psychology and theology, the importance of love and trust in relationships, and the journey of personal growth through therapy. The conversation highlights the collaborative nature of their work and the impact of their teachings on clinicians and couples alike. In this conversation, Terry Hargrave and Clint Davis explore the importance of self-regulation in relationships, emphasizing that personal growth and emotional health are crucial for intimacy. They discuss the role of faith in managing one's emotions and the transformative journey of Ron and Nan, who faced significant challenges in their marriage. The discussion highlights the power of confession and community support in healing, as well as the ongoing nature of personal growth and grace in relationships.   https://www.restorationtherapytraining.com    

In this episode I talk with my good friend Nicole Zasowski, who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the author of several books: What if it's Wonderful, From Lost to Found, and Families and Forgiveness which she co-authored with Terry Hargrave.  I so much respect the professional and personal work that Nicole does in her life, and she is a lifelong learner which I love.  In this episode we dig deep into anxiety and looking at it through the framework of the Restoration Therapy model.  I hope that you enjoy this episode and find it's content helpful.  Check out more of my work at my website www.rhettsmith.com

Hola Amiga, Welcome to the Amiga Arise Podcast! I am Priscilla Gomez, your host and hopefully an Amiga for a journey of learning, growing and thriving.  In today's episode you get to learn about Restoration Theory by Dr. Terry Hargrave and how we all enter into Pain Cycles due to violations of trust and love during our childhood, if not addressed we can continue in these cycles into adulthood.  You might be tuning in Amiga because you are smart, successful, driven, ambitious, but you find yourself in some unhealthy coping patterns, and you might not understand why changes seems to be so challenging.  THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU!! Tune-in to learn more about some pain cycles you might be in, and how to begin the journey of turning in the right direction!  I am here to lend a helping hand as you step into your healing and faith filled life! I pray this episode blesses you, and if so, please share this episode with anyone else you think could also benefit from listening.  Love, Priscilla    Connect with me:  Facebook: Amiga Arise Instagram: Amigaarise Email: Amigaarise@gmail.com Website: https://www.amigaarise.com   Books mentioned: The Boy who was Raised as a Dog by Bruce D. Perry and Maia Szalavitz Restoration Theory: https://boonecenter.pepperdine.edu/relatestrong-leadership-series/pain-and-peace-cycle.htm   Music: Alice Gomez https://www.alicegomezmusic.com

Hola Amiga, Welcome to the Amiga Arise Podcast! I am Priscilla Gomez, your host and hopefully an Amiga for a journey of learning, growing and thriving.  In today's episode you get to learn more about Restoration Theory by Dr. Terry Hargrave and how to overcome our Pain Cycles that are due to violations of trust and love during our childhood, if not addressed we can continue in these cycles into adulthood.   Today we learn about Peace Cycles and how we can walk into healing from the pains of our past if we are willing to address the emotional wound! You might be tuning in Amiga because you are smart, successful, driven, ambitious, but you find yourself in some unhealthy coping patterns, and you might not understand why changes seem to be so challenging.  THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU!! Tune-in to learn more about some pain cycles you might be in, and how to begin the journey of turning in the right direction! You will get 4 practical steps that help you step into peace and healing every time you feel triggered by the initial emotional wounds of childhood.  If you are ready to take a deeper look, find freedom, and step into flourishing God's way, I am here to lend a helping hand as you step into your healing and faith filled life! I pray this episode blesses you, and if so, please share this episode with anyone else you think could also benefit from listening.  Love, Priscilla    Connect with me:  Facebook: Amiga Arise Instagram: Amigaarise Email: Amigaarise@gmail.com Website: https://www.amigaarise.com   Books mentioned: The Boy who was Raised as a Dog by Bruce D. Perry and Maia Szalavitz   Restoration Theory: https://boonecenter.pepperdine.edu/relatestrong-leadership-series/pain-and-peace-cycle.htm   Music: Alice Gomez https://www.alicegomezmusic.com

The one where I sit down with Nicole Zasowski to talk about her new book From Lost to Found! Nicole Zasowski is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer, and speaker. She lives in a small town just outside New York City with her husband, Jimmy and her son, James. With the vulnerability of your closest friend and the wisdom of your most trusted resource, Nicole reveals her own story of how challenges such as unwanted transition, multiple miscarriages, and crippling anxiety gave her empty hands to receive everything she had been looking for in the presence and Person of Jesus Christ. As someone who wears her heart proudly on her sleeve and considers her story to be an open book, Nicole’s message invites others to discover how the surprising path to healing begins when we lose our grip on what we have known, and swerve right into God’s transforming grace, where we find what we need. In addition to maintaining a private practice, her professional work includes leading marriage intensives at The Hideaway Experience in Atlanta, GA, facilitating support and enrichment groups at several local churches in the greater New York City area, and serving as an adjunct professor at Alliance Theological Seminary in Nyack, NY where she taught marriage enrichment courses. A gifted communicator, Nicole speaks regularly on topics that combine psychology and faith and has conducted several seminars and been invited to speak at several retreats throughout New England. Nicole co-authored Families and Forgiveness, Second Edition, (Routledge, 2016) with internationally recognized Marriage and Family Therapist, Dr. Terry Hargrave. She has also been a regular contributor to Darling Magazine – a publication for women that seeks to redefine femininity and challenge women to find their true identity and purpose. Her article, “How to Work a Room When You’d Rather Walk Out of It” was featured on Donald Miller’s Storyline Blog. Nicole’s writing has also appeared in All Good Things Collective devotionals and on the Grit and Grace Project. Connect with Rebecca Dotson George Instagram | @rebeccadotsongeorge Facebook | Rebecca Dotson George Website | Do The Thing Movement Connect about Speaking | www.rebeccadotsongeorge.com Email | Say hello! Pinterest | Do The Thing Movement Become An Insider | Sign up here!

What does it look like to be a Christian spouse, parent, child, employee, or boss? How should Christians treat their family? What does work look like as a follower of Christ? Listen along as associate pastor Jake Wright discusses Colossians 3:18–4:1. Additional Resources: Garden City by John Mark Comer, The Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller, Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, and 5 Days to a New Marriage by Shawn Stoever and Terry Hargrave.

Terry Hargrave, Sharon Hargrave The number of people getting married today is shrinking, and the age at which people marry is getting older all the time. Many young adults don’t understand how marriage can be life giving and contribute to life satisfaction and happiness. Come learn five easy tips that promote marriage in a culture that, even though statistics show most people desire lifelong commitments in relationship, appears to be marriage wary. Hosted by the Boone Center for the Family

Terry Hargrave, Sharon Hargrave "A New Perspective on Marriage" While we often believe that marriage is designed for us to help our partner see how he or she needs to change, the truth is that marriage changes us. Embracing the fact that change is good and leads to more peaceful and productive lives helps couples relax in their differences, conflicts, and struggles. This workshop is designed for couples who want to continue to grow in their own relationships or for those who work with young adults who lean toward cohabitation rather than marriage. Hosted by the Boone Center for the Family

Kara catches up with marriage and family therapists and educators Sharon and Terry Hargrave, who share their hard-earned wisdom on when to call (and when not to), getting adult kids to come home for the holidays, and parenting for the long haul. Learn more about Growing With at GrowingWithBook.com  

In this episode I spend some time in conversation with Terry and Sharon Hargrave. Terry is the founder of Restoration Therapy and is the Evelyn and Frank Freed Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Theological Seminary and Sharon is the Executive Director of the Boone Center for the Family at Pepperdine University, as well as the founder and director of Relate Strong.   I have known this couple for about 8 years, and not only do I consider them close friends, but I am a huge fan of them. Restoration Therapy has changed my life and practice, and my wife and I have also trained together in Relate Strong.   I can not say enough nice things about Terry and Sharon, and the impact they are making upon the world. In this episode we explore some of the early roots of Restoration Therapy and Relate Strong, and why we are bringing this work to ministry leaders in our workshops that we do several times a year.   Mentioned in the Episode Download your free copy of Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders Restoration Therapy by Terry Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer Relate Strong

Stephenie Lievense is a wife and mom to 2 boys, as well as a Marriage & Family Therapist. She owns a private practice in La Canada, and is an adjunct professor at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, CA. She specializes in couples work using the Restoration Therapy Model by Dr Terry Hargrave. In this episode we discuss this Therapy Model and how people can move from Pain to Peace. Stephenie shares some experiences that have developed inner strength and the lessons she learned from going through hard things. She talks about her journey of health & wellness, and gives some tips for self care. Stephenie has taught me how to love life and embrace the moment. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/balancedbybeth/support

Suzanne Midori Hanna, Ph.D. is a clinician, instructor, and author in couple and family therapy. Her work in medical family therapy has led to an ongoing interest in mind-body issues, mental health, and the neurobiology of cutting edge couple and family therapy. She is the author of The Practice of Family Therapy: Key Elements Across Models, fifth edition and The Transparent Brain in Couple and Family Therapy: Mindful Integrations with Neuroscience. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) If you missed part one of this interview, you can check out ERP 146: How to use the mind body connection to improve your relationship with Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna. LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: How to use strengths as a jumping off point, so that you can do the difficult work of turning towards your pain. How to build a belief in your need for love & safety, as well as how to take steps in getting your needs meet. One important way of disentangling from dangerous and hostile interactions with your significant other. “We get into marriage and often we stay strangers for ten years because of our inability to be vulnerable.” Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna The differences between the male and female brain and how it impacts our interactions about emotions and attachments needs. “Once we begin becoming more vulnerable to each other, how to we maintain that sense of safety so the vulnerability can continue?” Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna “Outercourse” versus intercourse …getting in tune with how partners are coming across to their partner. Defining new rules of engagement. How to develop a process with your partner, where both people can feel valued. MENTIONED: ERP 146: How to use the mind body connection to improve your relationship with Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna. (Podcast) Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Website) Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Amazon page) Dr. John Gottman – Gottman Institute (Website) Dr. Susan Johnson (Website) & Leslie Greenberg  Hold Me Tight by Dr. Susan Johnson (book) Dr. Terry Hargrave’s Restoration Therapy (Website) Dr. Peter Levine & Somatic Experiencing (Website) Dr. Pat Ogden & Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (Website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.

Suzanne Midori Hanna, Ph.D. is a clinician, instructor, and author in couple and family therapy. Her work in medical family therapy has led to an ongoing interest in mind-body issues, mental health, and the neurobiology of cutting edge couple and family therapy. She is the author of The Practice of Family Therapy: Key Elements Across Models, fifth edition and The Transparent Brain in Couple and Family Therapy: Mindful Integrations with Neuroscience. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: “Mindfulness of sensation.” Using the mind as a mental laser beam. Mental triggers – Where are you feeling that in your body right now? Put your mind on sensation for a moment and see what you learn. “Whatever is going on in the mind is going on in the body.” Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna How we get stuck complaining in relationship. An expanded definition of trauma. The body’s role when triggered. How to slow down to get to know ourselves through our body. “The way we are putting the mind and the body together to solve problems is changing the whole landscape of therapeutic work.” Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna “Mindfulness of emotion.” Primary emotion – emotion of attachment and survival. Universal needs for attachment- Love & Safety. MENTIONED: Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Website) Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Amazon page) Dr. John Gottman – Gottman Institute (Website) Dr. Susan Johnson (Website) & Leslie Greenberg  Dr. Terry Hargrave’s Restoration Therapy (Website) Dr. Peter Levine & Somatic Experiencing (Website) Dr. Pat Ogden & Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (Website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 146: HOW TO USE THE MIND BODY CONNECTION TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DR. SUZANNE MIDORI HANNA [TRANSCRIPT]

      This is a very short podcast episode, but it's a really important one.   One of the most important tasks I have in the counseling room is to help people to discern between what their feelings and coping behaviors are. In fact, I spend a lot of time helping people understand their feelings, and what coping behaviors they often lead to. When a person understands this level of awareness, they are often able to do deeper work and gain not only the insight they desired, but achieve the transformational change they were seeking.   But one of the things I started to learn during my training under Terry Hargrave in Restoration Therapy, is that not only the feelings that I thought were feelings....were really feelings. For example, I always classified anxiety and anger and depression for example as feelings. You would find me saying things like "I'm feeling really anxious right now", or "I woke up feeling depressed today." And people I work with in my office would often say the same thing.   Terry Hargrave helped me really begin to understand that those things that I thought were feelings, were really coping behaviors. For example, I wasn't feeling anxious, I was becoming anxious (I was doing anxiety if you will), because underneath the surface I was feeling inadequate.   Now if someone comes into my office saying they feel anxious, or feel angry, or feel depressed for example, I will run with that for the time being as I'm trying to understand them. But my work as a therapist (especially if I'm going to be a therapist who can help them), is to really help them distinguish between feeling and action. I don't want to get caught chasing what I think is a feeling, and is really a coping behavior. Then I end up just focused on the behavior and trying to provide more tools for someone to work on that behavior. Instead, what I want to do is address the core underlying feelings of that behavior. When I can help someone do that, then I'm that much closer to really helping them get on the pathway to healing.   There are other coping behaviors often disguised as feelings, but I see anxiety and anger and depression come up the most.   So in this episode I took a little bit of time to talk about this, and why I think it's an important distinction.

A couple of weeks ago, my colleagues and I at Thriiive Practices did a lecture for the Meadow's lecture series on emotional regulation.   What is emotional regulation? It's essentially one's ability to control or manage their automatic, reactive responses to an emotional trigger, and instead, respond accordingly (and in a healthy manner). That is my definition of sorts, though I say it a lot of different ways. My mentor Terry Hargrave in my training for Restoration Therapy said at one point to our training group, "emotional regulation is the name of the game." And it is. As you look at the mounting research on the brain, especially through fMRI scans and other data, we find that one's ability to emotionally regulate themselves is the key to healthy relationships. If you want a more thorough definition, read this.   Or if you want a really good, but simple understanding of it, check out Dan Siegel's demonstration of his strategy of name it to tame it. I've also written about this strategy here.   In this episode I talk about what emotional regulation is and why it's so important. Resources Mentioned in Episode Terry Hargrave Restoration Therapy Dan Siegel Tina Payne Bryson The Whole Brain Child

One of the things that I hear as a counselor a lot, typically near the end of an intake session with a client, is the question, "How is this going to look?" The question can be asked in a variety of ways, but what is implicit is usually either some form of anxiety over the next steps, or just a general curiosity about what people are signing up for when they enter into counseling.   Counseling can vary greatly from counselor to counselor, and with that, there can be a variety of varied expectations then that people going through counseling have. Some people have been to a lot of counseling and all their experiences are different, while some people have still not been to counseling, and wonder what that experience will look like.   Something I have tried to do a lot more in the last 4-5 years of my private practice is properly set expectations with clients when they come into see me for the first time. Whether they ask the question first, or I initiate the conversation, I usually try to walk clients through a general "roadmap" or "pathway" of what counseling might look like. I let them know that things can always change, and this is only a first session, but here is what I think will work best based on what you are telling me, the goals you have, and the experience that I bring to our sessions. I also always follow up with every client via email after the first session (usually within a few hours, but rarely longer than 24 hours later). In that email I talk about our first session, what I heard, the goals that I think they have, the issues we could explore together. And in that email I lay out a big overview of the counseling process, listing the significant pieces, as well as narrowing down on the next steps. And I usually always attach some type of "hoomework" in that initial email so that client's can begin engaging in the process.   Based on all my experience as a therapist both pastorally and clinically, as well as my experience in training and sitting across from a therapist in my own counseling, here is what I find to be most helpful in terms of a "roadmap" for counseling. Now of course, I hope to continue to grow and learn as a therapist, so these thoughts are only a point in time, but I think most of the framework will always exist for me, with tweaks along the way.   First, I think it's important that the therapist helps the client engage in some type of work in and out of session that involves the work of insight, which is simply, the capacity to gain an accurate and deep intuitive understanding of a person or thing. This type of work can be done in a lot of ways, but for me it usually involves work around one's family of origin issues (i.e. family genogram, etc.), as well as walking through someone's personal stories and experience.   Second, I do the work of helping a person take that insight, and I help them identify and create their Pain Cycle. This Pain Cycle is often referred to by other names, but in the work I do with Restoration Therapy, that is what it is called. It's essentially the process of helping one identify their negative pattern of behavior by helping them locate their core feelings and the coping behaviors that flow from them. This is often us in our most primal, reactive state. When you think of fight or flight, and the amygdala getting triggered, this is the pattern that comes up. Though not all of our reactive states are negative, a lot of them are in relational conflict, which is what I work a lot with both in my work with individuals and couples. If I frame it from a faith perspective, this is the old self at work that Paul refers to in Ephesians 4:22.   Third, I do the work of helping a person take their insight, and I help them identify and create their Peace Cycle. The Peace Cycle is also referred to by other names in other theories, but in Restoration Therapy this is what we refer to it as. The Peace Cycle is ourselves when we are emotionally regulated. Think about what you are like when you are living in your truth, or think of yourself in a centered and grounded state. When you are in this place, what actions flow from that. This is you in your Peace Cycle. Again, if I frame this in a faith perspective, this is the new self at work that Paul refers to in Ephesians 4:23. The Pain and Peace Cycle is part of the work of insight, and the Peace Cycle is the step that helps up a person move from emotional dysregulation to emotional regulation.   Fourth, as we are doing the work of insight and the Pain and Peace Cycle (because though I'm laying things out in a linear fashion...therapy, or growth itself is not always linear. I find that all these steps are engaged consecutively in the therapeutic process), I help clients find ways to practice the insight that they have. What I believe is that you can have all the insight in the world, but if you don't practice it in some way, you don't change. You don't get transformation. In the Restoration Therapy model I use the 4 steps to help clients practice: 1) Say what you feel; 2) Say what you normally do; 3) Say your truth; 4) Say what you will do differently (your action) and do it. This is one way that I help clients practice. I literally map out their Pain and Peace Cycle on my whiteboard in almost every session to some degree. I also draw up their cycles and steps on a large poster sheet that I ask them to take home and hang up in their closet so that they see it everyday and start to not only become more aware of it, but practice it. There are lots of other ways to have people practice insight from a variety of tools to experimental exercises. Regardless of what tools I give them to practice, I believe practice is essential.   Fifth, we come to transformation. I believe transformation is the culmination of taking one's insight and putting it into practice. And though we could think of transformation as the ultimate goal, it's really just the beginning. Once someone experiences transformation in one area of their life, then they often become excited to seek transformation in other areas of their life as well. So if there is a visual roadmap I give to clients and that I work from...in short it is something like this.   Insight + Pain Cycle + Peace Cycle + Practice = Transformation.   There are lot of details and nuances in these steps, but this is what I have found to be most helpful. So if you come work with me in my private practice in Plano, Texas, you will most likely hear me talk about something like this.   Whether you come in for marriage counseling or individual counseling around anxiety and depression, I will probably lay out some roadmap for you that looks like this.   Check out this podcast to find out more about this process. In this episode I discuss: the importance of a therapeutic roadmap the work of insight in therapy the Pain Cycle work in therapy the Peace Cycle work in therapy the work of practice in therapy transformation in therapy   Resources Mentioned in this Episode Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Terry Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth

This past May I had the opportunity to speak at Pepperdine University for the annual Bible Lecture's series. It's primarily a gathering of a combo of lay and professional ministry leaders, and as this event I was able to talk to them about one of my favorite topics...anxiety.   Anxiety is a huge issue both in and out of the church, and in fact, Walter Brueggemann has stated that it's the primary pathology in our culture that church leaders must deal with (see the excerpt starting at the 41:50 minute mark); I also believe anxiety to be one of the primary issues that our culture struggles with, and it can especially become toxic in a church culture where an extra stigma is attached to it.   In this lecture I walked the audience through several main points to better help them not only understand anxiety, but how to help them reframe it in a positive light, and what tools they can use, and steps they can take, to work with people who have anxiety. In this lecture I: help them identify the importance of what everyone's anxiety story is and how that informs not only how they handle anxiety, but how they perceive it and work through it. help them define what anxiety is and is not. help them define how to best understand anxiety. help them with the key ways to work through anxiety. help them normalize anxiety. help them reframe it as God at work in their lives, and as a friend, not a foe. help them understand how violations of love and trust inform anxiety. help them with tools to work with anxiety.   If you are someone who has struggled with anxiety yourself, or know someone who does, and you want to be of help...then check out this episode.     Resources and Tools Mentioned in this Episode The Concept of Anxiety: A Simple Psychologically Orienting Deliberation on the Dogmatic Issue of Hereditary Sin by Soren Kierkegaard Be Not Anxious: Pastoral Care of Disquieted Souls by Allan Hugh Cole Jr. The Courage to Be by Paul Tillich Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety by Kelly G. Wilson and Troy Dufrene Bill Mounce's Exegesis of the New Testament word Merimnao (anxiety) The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Basel van der Kolk Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Terry Hargrave and Franz Pfizer Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth The Meaning of Anxiety by Rollo May The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good? by Rhett Smith Existential Psychotherapy by Irving D. Yalom Failure of Nerve: Anxiety in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin Friedman

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to speak to a group of employees for Marriott Hotels here in the local Dallas area. It was a great opportunity to help others understand how to have healthy relationships in and out of the work place by beginning to take care of themselves. So in this podcast episode I share what I shared with them: helping them understand how they are part of a larger system in which they are an emotional unit of. helping them understand that we are all "wired" from our early experiences, especially in our family of origin. I talked about our "wiring" around Love and Trust from the work of Terry Hargrave in Restoration Therapy. helping them how they are specifically "wired", by helping them identify their violations of love and trust and connecting their feelings to their coping. helping them to understand what self-care is, and how the practice of it can help them better emotionally self-regulate, therefore, helping them have a better relationship with themselves, and those in and out of the workplace. and ultimately I gave them some practice steps to take home with them.   Link to Episode 93 Resources Mentioned in Episode 93 Restoration Therapy Violations of Love and Trust Self-Care and Relationships

One of the things that I have come to believe through my work with clients, and through my own personal work, is that insight alone is usually not enough to create change. That insight has to be coupled with practice, and lots of it to create the change, and ultimately the transformation we desire. We could also say the same if we flipped it in reverse. Practice alone, without any insight, will also not create change.   I have been greatly influenced by this idea through a couple of key writings. One is the work of my mentor and friend Dr. Terry Hargrave out of Fuller Theological Seminary, his book Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy, along with my training with him, has been transformative in my life. His model of the Pain and Peace Cycle, alone with four very practical steps has been a game changer in my life and the life of many.   I have also really been influenced by the work of Angela Duckworth, and more specifically, her book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. In her book she delineates between deliberate practice and flow, and talks about how flow comes out of deliberate practice.   What I have experienced through the Restoration Therapy model is that the more individuals, couples, etc, practice their Pain and Peace Cycles, they can often get to flow states where it feels very natural, and habitual. But that transformational experience is only experienced because of the combination of insight and practice. Without both, flow and change isn't experienced. I'm currently reading a really good book by Laurence Gonzales called Deep Survival:Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why. In this book he writes the following: While the pathways from the amygdala to the neocortex are stronger and faster than the ones going the other way, some ability may remain for the neocortex to do the following: First, to recognize that there is an emotional response underway. Second, to read reality and perceive circumstances correctly. Third, to override or modulate the automatic reaction if it is an inappropriate one; and fourth, to select a correct course of action. (location 876-886/Kindle) He then goes on to write: When you learn something complex, such as flying, snowboarding, or playing tennis or golf, at first you must think through each move. That is called explicit learning, and it’s stored in explicit memory, the kind you can talk about, the kind that allows you to remember a recipe for lasagna. But as you gain more experience, you begin to do the task less consciously. You develop flow, touch, timing— a feel for it. It becomes second nature, a thing of beauty. That’s known as implicit learning. The two neurological systems of explicit and implicit learning are quite separate. Implicit memories are unconscious. Implicit learning is like a natural smile: It comes by way of a different neural pathway from the one that carries explicit memory. (location 896/Kindle)   After I read this I thought to myself, this are the steps Restoration Therapy model of the Pain and Peace Cycle. And he's talking about deliberate practice and flow states.   Why is all of this important? Because whether we are talking about life and death situations like in Deep Survival, or conflict in relationships like in Restoration Therapy, or athletic and artistic performance in Grit....they are all about a certain level of awareness (insight) that requires us to practice, and it's in doing so that we create change and make better decisions, and move closer to transformational flow.   In this episode: I talk about the 4 steps of the Restoration Therapy model I talk about deliberate practice and flow I connect the brain theory writing in Deep Survival to both Restoration Therapy and Grit I talk about how you can experiment with your own insight+practice= transformational flow this week.   Resources Mentioned Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Dr. Terry Hargrave Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth Deep Survival:Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why by Laurence Gonzales

Last weekend I had the humbling opportunity to speak at the first ever Restoration Therapy Conference which was held at Pepperdine University in Malibu, CA. When the founder of the model, Dr. Terry Hargrave asked med to present on anxiety and the Restoration Therapy model, I knew it was an invitation that I couldn't refuse. I consider Dr. Hargrave not only a mentor, but also a friend, so I definitely wanted to participate in anything he was doing. But I also knew I would be anxious for several months leading up to my presentation. And I was. But it was a great time to be with a bunch of other therapists and researches who are on the ground floor in the ongoing development of the Restoration Therapy model.   I won't go into details in this post since you will hear more in this episode. But I've been using Restoration Therapy as my primary therapeutic model since about 2010 when I was first exposed to it co-leading marriage intensives at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, TX. I did not know the model as Restoration Therapy at the time, but rather as The 5 Days to a New Marriage model...and essentially, the Pain and Peace Cycle model.   But no model has changed my life more than this one. And no model has helped my clients more than this one. I have experience and training and proficiency in a lot of different models, but I believe this is the best one out there for a lot of reasons...many of which I will go into in this episode.   This is a 2 part episode, and in these episodes I explore the concept of anxiety and how it differs from fear...and why that distinction is so important. I look at what anxiety is and how to define it. I talk about how to normalize anxiety for your clients and reframe it as an opportunity for growth. I talk about how to get at the roots of anxiety using the RT Model and understanding the work of the Pain and Peace Cycle. I talk about how to take the Pain and Peace Cycle and practice it daily to create transformation. And then I talk about the important tools and resources that can help people manage their anxiety.   But for now, what you must know is this. In the Restoration Therapy Model, anxiety is not a feeling, but rather a coping behavior. We don't feel anxious, rather we become anxious. We do anxiety. But there is some other feeling that drives the anxiety. And that's important, otherwise we could end up just chasing the relief of the symptoms (though important), rather than dealing with the root issues of anxiety. Keeping that in mind, it's important to understand that anxiety is about issues concerning individual(love/identity) and relational personhood (trust/safety). And they are about "ultimate concerns" in life such as faith, life, death, purpose, meaning, relationships. Whereas, fear is about specific situations and circumstances.   So as I spell out in these episodes, my fear growing up was speaking in front of people because I would stutter. But my anxiety was that I would feel inadequate, be alone, not measure up. And I spent most of my life trying to relieve my fears (speaking), rather than understanding and dealing with my anxiety (coping behavior) and what was at the root of it, which was those feelings of inadequacy (feelings).   It may not seem like an important distinction at the outset, but actually has huge implications in terms of one getting healing when it comes to their anxiety. And I think you can see this distinction play out both in faith and biblical perspectives, as well as psychological and secular perspectives...so I address these integrative pieces as well.   So whether you are a therapist, lay counselor, pastor, friend, spouse, parent, colleague....who wants to help someone with anxiety...or whether you are trying to help your own anxiety...these episodes are for you. Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support. iTunes -- Stitcher Player FM -- Libsyn People and Resources Mentioned in the Episodes Restoration Therapy Model -- in Episode 21 I talk about Restoration Therapy and how I use it for my work with individuals, couples, churches and organizations. Restoration Therapy Conference Terry Hargrave -- in Episode 55 I interview Dr. Hargrave Pain Cycle (this is Episode 42) Peace Cycle (this is Episode 43) Sharon Hargrave Steve and Rajan Trafton The Hideaway Experience The Anxious Christian by Rhett Smith The Concept of Anxiety by Soren Kierkegaard Fear and Trembling by Soren Kierkegaard The Meaning of Anxiety by Rollo May Be Not Anxious: Pastoral Care of Disquieted Souls by Allan Huge Cole Jr. Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety by Kelly G. Wilson and Todd Dufrene The Courage to Be by Paul Tillich Existential Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom

Last weekend I had the humbling opportunity to speak at the first ever Restoration Therapy Conference which was held at Pepperdine University in Malibu, CA. When the founder of the model, Dr. Terry Hargrave asked med to present on anxiety and the Restoration Therapy model, I knew it was an invitation that I couldn't refuse. I consider Dr. Hargrave not only a mentor, but also a friend, so I definitely wanted to participate in anything he was doing. But I also knew I would be anxious for several months leading up to my presentation. And I was. But it was a great time to be with a bunch of other therapists and researches who are on the ground floor in the ongoing development of the Restoration Therapy model.   I won't go into details in this post since you will hear more in this episode. But I've been using Restoration Therapy as my primary therapeutic model since about 2010 when I was first exposed to it co-leading marriage intensives at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, TX. I did not know the model as Restoration Therapy at the time, but rather as The 5 Days to a New Marriage model...and essentially, the Pain and Peace Cycle model.   But no model has changed my life more than this one. And no model has helped my clients more than this one. I have experience and training and proficiency in a lot of different models, but I believe this is the best one out there for a lot of reasons...many of which I will go into in this episode.   This is a 2 part episode, and in these episodes I explore the concept of anxiety and how it differs from fear...and why that distinction is so important. I look at what anxiety is and how to define it. I talk about how to normalize anxiety for your clients and reframe it as an opportunity for growth. I talk about how to get at the roots of anxiety using the RT Model and understanding the work of the Pain and Peace Cycle. I talk about how to take the Pain and Peace Cycle and practice it daily to create transformation. And then I talk about the important tools and resources that can help people manage their anxiety.   But for now, what you must know is this. In the Restoration Therapy Model, anxiety is not a feeling, but rather a coping behavior. We don't feel anxious, rather we become anxious. We do anxiety. But there is some other feeling that drives the anxiety. And that's important, otherwise we could end up just chasing the relief of the symptoms (though important), rather than dealing with the root issues of anxiety. Keeping that in mind, it's important to understand that anxiety is about issues concerning individual(love/identity) and relational personhood (trust/safety). And they are about "ultimate concerns" in life such as faith, life, death, purpose, meaning, relationships. Whereas, fear is about specific situations and circumstances.   So as I spell out in these episodes, my fear growing up was speaking in front of people because I would stutter. But my anxiety was that I would feel inadequate, be alone, not measure up. And I spent most of my life trying to relieve my fears (speaking), rather than understanding and dealing with my anxiety (coping behavior) and what was at the root of it, which was those feelings of inadequacy (feelings).   It may not seem like an important distinction at the outset, but actually has huge implications in terms of one getting healing when it comes to their anxiety. And I think you can see this distinction play out both in faith and biblical perspectives, as well as psychological and secular perspectives...so I address these integrative pieces as well.   So whether you are a therapist, lay counselor, pastor, friend, spouse, parent, colleague....who wants to help someone with anxiety...or whether you are trying to help your own anxiety...these episodes are for you. Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support. iTunes -- Stitcher Player FM -- Libsyn   People and Resources Mentioned in the Episodes Restoration Therapy Model -- in Episode 21 I talk about Restoration Therapy and how I use it for my work with individuals, couples, churches and organizations. Restoration Therapy Conference Terry Hargrave -- in Episode 55 I interview Dr. Hargrave Pain Cycle (this is Episode 42) Peace Cycle (this is Episode 43) Sharon Hargrave Steve and Rajan Trafton The Hideaway Experience The Anxious Christian by Rhett Smith The Concept of Anxiety by Soren Kierkegaard Fear and Trembling by Soren Kierkegaard The Meaning of Anxiety by Rollo May Be Not Anxious: Pastoral Care of Disquieted Souls by Allan Huge Cole Jr. Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety by Kelly G. Wilson and Todd Dufrene The Courage to Be by Paul Tillich Existential Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom  

One of the populations I love working with in my practice is athletes. I've been fortunate enough to work with a large variety of athletes from professionals to amateur, from middle school kids all the way up to a middle aged runner like me. And in my time with athletes several themes around athletics have emerged that tend to be the central focus of our counseling time together.     Those are: performance anxiety anxiety and stress due to pressure from overbearing parents depression from not achieving an athletic goal or from not being able to participate in the sport because of injury. training the athlete for more positive self-talk and visualization to increase performance.   These 4 issues seem to crop up the most and I have had a lot of success using the Restoration Therapy model developed by Terry Hargrave. Even though I initially used it only with couples I have expanded it's use to individuals, families, organizations, and now athletes. I feel that it's core tenets, especially the importance of emotional self-regulation and working to identify and act out of one's truth, rather than out of one's negative cycle, have been extremely helpful.     In this episode I briefly mention the components above, but really spend the bulk of the episode diving into some of the work of Angela Duckworth in her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, and what she has to say about anxious parents and kid's athletics. In the episode I read from about 2-3 pages worth of material to give you an understanding of what Duckworth is communicating when it comes to grit and our kids, while at the same time commenting on some of the things I have seen in my practice.     I echo Duckworth's and other's findings that children who are allowed autonomy to choose what sports in activities to engage in, and who have the freedom to explore a multiplicity of sports, while at the same time not engaging in them all year round, often fare better than their counterparts who specialize early and play all year. The latter often leads to a lot of burnout (often by high school or college), and it short circuits the development of passion because kid has not had the ability to pursue their own interests, but have often been pursuing the interests of the parents.     I want to leave you with one quote from Grit that I read in this episode:   Sports psychologist Jean Cote finds that shortcutting this stage of relaxed, playful interest, discovery, and development has dire consequences. In his research, professional athletes like Rowdy Gains who, as a children, sampled a variety of different sports before committing to one, generally fare much better in the long run. This early breadth of experience helps the young athlete figure out which sport fits better than others,. Sampling also provides an opportunity to 'cross train' muscles and skills that will eventually complement more focused training. While athletes who skip this state often enjoy an early advantage in competition against less specialized peers, Cote finds that they're more likely to become injured physically and to burn out. (page 107 on Kindle). Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support. iTunes -- Stitcher Player FM -- Libsyn   Resources and People Mentioned in this Episode Terry Hargrave Restoration Therapy Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance Angela Duckworth Benjamin Bloom Jean Cote

I have told this story countless times in person, on the podcast, and in my blog...so I will try and keep it brief. But about 6 years ago I had an experience that forever changed my life. I had just returned from sitting in on and observing a marriage intensive at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, TX (I write about that 4 day intensive here). And what I learned at that intensive changed the way I thought about myself and relationships.   I went home that weekend and tried using the Pain and Peace Cycle that I learned. And when I did, my wife Heather and I had a new experience in navigating conflict successfully, that I knew I had to learn more. I went on staff as a therapist later that fall and spent the next 4 years flying up to Amarillo to co-lead 4 day marriage intensives while all the while using the model in my therapy practice back in Plano...as well as using it in my marriage and any other relational setting I was in. And the more I practiced it, and the more I learned, I knew that this model was the one that I believed was the most effective in creating change in one's self, relationships and organizations.   This model that I had been taught at The Hideaway Experience was essentially the Restoration Therapy model that Terry had been developing, and in which he had help implement for the intensives. Over the course of those years I got to know Terry better, even bringing him out to present the Restoration Therapy model and Forgiveness to our Dallas Association of Marriage and Family Therapists a few years ago.   So this last year I spent time training with Terry Hargrave in the Restoration Therapy model and eventually became certified as a Level II Restoration Therapy therapist.   At the end of last year I recorded 5 podcast episodes talking about Restoration Therapy. I began by talking to you about the Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle in Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy model. I love the Pain and Peace Cycle because it has transformed my life. It's transformed me as an individual, as well as my marriage, my relationships, vocation and more. But how do you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle in your own life? To do so I recommended 4 steps to practice. As you begin to use these steps and work through the cycles you create a safe emotional connection which also fosters a real strong sense of "usness" in the relationship. And it is out of this place that couple's can really solve problems. Without a safe connection, problem solving is difficult, if not impossible in a relationship. And finally I tied all four episodes together by talking about the concept of differentiation, and giving some examples from different perspectives of what it looks like.   So after all my own talking and insight on this topic I am super excited to welcome my friend and mentor Dr. Terry Hargrave to Episode 55. Terry is an amazing man and I know you will love listening to his journey into developing the Restoration Therapy model.   In this episode we explore: Terry's journey into the field of marriage and family therapy. Terry's interaction with and training under some of the pioneers in this field such as Jay Haley, Carl Whitaker and Ivan Nagy-Boszormenyi. He has a great story about what he learned from Whitaker. Terry's early training and work in the contextual family therapy model. what the Restoration Therapy model is. Terry's development of the Restoration Therapy model. the importance of love and trustworthiness in relationships. 4 responses to violations of love and trustworthiness. the Pain Cycle. the Peace Cycle. the 4 Steps in the Restoration Therapy model. mindfulness, emotional regulation and attachment in the Restoration Therapy model. the importance of practice in creating change. and more.....   iTunes -- Stitcher Player FM -- Libsyn   Resources Mentioned in the Episode Terry Hargrave Contextual Family Therapy Ivan Nagy-Boszormenyi Jay Haley Carl Whitaker Restoration Therapy Training Marriage Strong with Sharon Hargrave 5 Days to a New Marriage The Hideaway Experience Dan Siegel John Gottman,couples, and emotional regulation Brent Atkinson on the importance of repetitive practice rather than relying simply on insight and understanding in therapy.

This week I am spending time talking about the Pain and Peace Cycle found in the work of Terry Hargrave and his Restoration Therapy model. As I talk about previous episodes, the Pain Cycle and the Peace Cycle have transformed my life, marriage, relationships, friendships, and work.   So in this episode I want to teach you how to use the 4 steps of the Restoration Therapy model to help you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle. I love the simplicity of the model in helping people create change, but like any long lasting, transformative change, it takes practice. And I find steps to be helpful guard rails to keep people along the path as they seek change. Often in conflict, people are in fight or flight mode, and so their ability to make good decisions can become limited. But if you have steps to help you in the midst of the conflict, they can be a great tool to bring order out of chaos.   In this episode I explore: review of the Pain Cycle review of the Peace Cycle the 4 steps: Step 1: Say what you feel Step 2: Say what you normally do Step 3: Say your truth Step 4: Say what you will do differently Resources Mentioned in this EpisodeRestoration TherapyTerry HargraveMarriage StrongSharon HargraveThe Hideaway Experience

As I have mentioned in the previous podcast blog posts, I am spending time talking about the Pain and Peace Cycle, and the 4 steps to practice it in your life. These tools are found in the work of Marriage and Family therapist pioneer Terry Hargrave and his Restoration Therapy model. As I talk about in previous episodes, the Pain Cycle and the Peace Cycle, and the 4 steps to really practice to help it transform your life, have forever changed my life, marriage, relationships, friendships, and work. It too can transform you, your relationships, your marriage, your church staff, your corporate staff...and more.   In this episode I want to teach you a couple of new techniques from the Restoration Therapy model that I believe can really take your relationship to the next level. As you begin to work through your Pain and Peace Cycle, you will discover how that creates a sense of connectedness and teamwork, or what Terry Hargrave refers to as "usness." In this episode I talk about this created "usness" and how it can help you problem solve in your marriage and relationships. So besides looking at the concept of "usness", I will walk you through 7 simple steps to problem solving that I have found to be super effective.   I like to think of it often in this way. Couples have issues to solve in their relationship. But you can't solve issues if you don't feel emotionally safe and connected. So you begin by working on your Pain and Peace Cycle to create a sense of "usness." And as that "usness" develops you will be emotionally connected and safe to begin problem solving. And sometimes...just feeling safe and connected will solve problems.   In this episode I explore: the concept of "usness" 7 steps to solving your problems/issues: identify and externalize the problem/issue walk through your Pain and Peace Cycle brainstorm options/solutions narrow down options/solutions set time aside for prayer/meditation/reflection on the options/solutions choose an option/solution (win-win) schedule a future time to re-evaluate option/solution Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support. iTunes -- Stitcher Player FM -- Libsyn Resources Mentioned in this EpisodeRestoration TherapyTerry HargraveMarriage StrongSharon Hargrave

In the previous podcast episode I talked about just how life transforming the Pain and Peace Cycle work have been to my life both personally and relationally. Ever since I learned these tools when I went on staff at The Hideaway Experience in 2010 I have continued to use them in all the work I do. I use them with clients. I use them with church staff. I use them with corporate organizations. And in all cases I see lives being transformed and I get good feedback about them.   The Pain and Peace Cycle were created by Terry Hargrave and can be found in his book Restoration Therapy where he talks at length and in depth about this model. Because I have found this model and these tools to be so helpful, I spent this last year in training with Terry Hargrave and became a Level II Certified therapist in Restoration Therapy.   So in the previous episode I talk about the Pain Cycle, and in this episode I want to focus on the Peace Cycle. If the Pain Cycle is the negative pattern we create over time between our feelings and coping, then the Peace Cycle is about the positive pattern we create over time between our truth and actions. These two patterns comprise a different way of being in relationship with yourself and others. It's simply one of the best models out there, especially for couples and marriage.   In this episode I explore: what the Peace Cycle consists of what it means to connect to your truth how to identify your truth in the Peace Cycle 3 sources of finding our truth what it means to act out of your truth how to identify your truth in the Peace Cycle theological examples of being in a Peace Cycle Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.   Resources Mentioned in this EpisodeRestoration TherapyTerry HargraveMarriage StrongSharon HargraveThe Hideaway ExperienceMark 1:9-11Genesis 32-33Henri Nouwen

One of the tools that has changed my life in such an amazing way...that at times it's really hard to explain...is learning the Pain and Peace Cycle in the work of Terry Hargrave in his Restoration Therapy model. In fact, in Episode 21 of this podcast I talked about how it can change your life, your relationships, as well as church organizations and corporations. In fact, I have taught the Pain and Peace Cycle in all these settings and see it do just that...change lives.   So this week I wanted to dive in a bit more deep on this topic, but in a short manner. The reason, I get a lot of people contacting me about what the Pain and Peace Cycle is. They see me write about it, post about it on social media, or they might have heard me speak about it in person. But it's something I definitely talk a lot about in my work. I believe in it because I have experienced it first hand.   So this week I decided to put out a few episodes focusing on the Pain Cycle, the Peace Cycle, and how to practice it.   Today, I talk about the Pain Cycle and how you becoming aware of your own will change your life. It will change your life on both an individual and relational level.   In this episode I explore: Violations of Love and Trust How Violations of Love and Trust create your negative pattern of coping known as the Pain Cycle. What the Pain Cycle is How to identify the feelings in your Pain Cycle How to identify the coping behavior in your Pain Cycle If you want to work through this at home, here is the initial Pain Cycle homework that I give my clients and others to work through. It's a pretty simple sheet to work on, so check it out: Identifying and Practicing Your ‘Pain Cycle’   Resources Mentioned in this EpisodeRestoration Therapy Terry Hargrave Marriage Strong Sharon Hargrave The Hideaway Experience

Hanging out at our Strong Marriage training in Malibu, CA. This last week my wife and I spent two days training with Sharon Hargrave in her Marriage Strong curriculum. There were several reasons why we wanted to attend the training: 1) We know how much working through our Pain and Peace Cycle has transformed our own marriage; 2) We have a desire to lead these groups in our neighborhood, community, and at workshops and conferences; and I in my practice. 3) I absolutely love the work of Terry and Sharon Hargrave.   In 2010 my colleague and good friend Todd Sandel started telling me about these amazing 4 day marriage intensives taking place at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, Texas. After going up and sitting in a few of these marriage intensives, I eventually went on staff as one of the therapists, and helped co-lead marriage intensives there until 2014 when I eventually stepped off staff because of time constraints with my own practice and family life. It was here that I learned about the Pain and Peace Cycle through the 5 Days to a New Marriage model developed by Terry Hargrave and Shawn Stoever for The Hideaway. I put this model to work fairly quickly in my own marriage...and it was then that a radical shift took place that has helped us really transform our marriage into what it is today.   I then went back to my therapy practice and began using this model not only with couples, but also individual clients and I saw people's lives dramatically change. It was through these experiences that I came to realize and really believe in the work of the Pain and Peace Cycle, and I wanted to do everything I could to become a better practitioner of it. So this last year I spent time training with the founder of the Pain and Peace Cycle, Marriage and Family Therapy pioneer, Terry Hargrave. Through my training with him I officially became a Level II certified therapist in Restoration Therapy.   I have used this work with individuals, couples, families, church staffs, corporate managers and directors...and I have seen it transform people in all of these areas.   So when my wife and I had the chance to go train in Marriage Strong which has Restoration Therapy as it's foundational piece, we jumped at the opportunity.   We had a great weekend learning more about each other and talking about how we can intentionally continue to improve our marriage. As we spent time doing this I came to realize that there are a certain number of skills that I think if couples practice, they would benefit greatly from...they would see their marriage shift in some really positive directions.   So in this podcast I took all of my training that I've learned at The Hideaway Experience, Restoration Therapy, Marriage Strong, and other things that I've learned and developed along the way as a clinician...and I boiled it down to 5 skills. Of course there are a lot of varying skills couples can practice, but instead of always looking for that "silver bullet" to fix everything in a marriage, I think more couples need to really focus on a few skills and just practice...practice...practice...practice...practice. You get the point. Marriages grow and become strong through practice, not through some shiny or sexy new skill that will fix everything.   So in this episode I talk about these 5 skills: identifying and practicing awareness around your negative pattern of interaction made up of your feelings and coping (Pain Cycle). taking responsibility for yourself (your Pain Cycle) and learning to emotionally regulate yourself, rather than expecting your spouse to. identifying and developing your positive pattern of interaction made up of your truth and action (Peace Cycle) learning how to problem solve out of your Peace Cycle. fostering your sense of "usness" in the marriage. Resources and People Mentioned in the Episode Marriage Strong The Hideaway Experience 5 Days to a New Marriage Restoration Therapy Terry Hargrave Sharon Hargrave Todd Sandel LifeGate Group Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy Using the Restoration Therapy Model to Transform You, Your Relationships, Churches, Organizations, and Corportations

About 5 years ago I was introduced to a therapy model that changed my life. And that's not an exaggeration. It literally changed my life, beginning with me, then my marriage, then my parenting, then my therapy work, then friendships, and eventually in the work I do with organizations, churches and corporations. I was introduced to a model of therapy developed by Terry Hargrave called Restoration Therapy. Actually, at the time I didn't know it as Restoration Therapy, but rather as the 5 Days to a New Marriage model that was developed for The Hideaway Experience by Terry and Shawn Stoever. Essentially, from what I know, Terry and Shawn created a model for the marriage intensives based on Terry's Restoration Therapy work that he was developing, and which was eventually written by Terry and Franz Pfitzer under the title Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy.   In October 2010 I attended my first marriage intensive and sat "3rd chair", which essentially means I was not one of the co-therapists, but was rather there to observe...and speak/share if I felt compelled. I was so intimidated by that first experience I remember saying very little, but I also remember being blown away by the transformation I witnessed taking place with the 4 couples who were there that weekend. It was an unbelievable team effort between the founders/operators Steve and Rajan Trafton, the two therapists, the cook (who provided all the meals)...and of course the 4 couples who ended up really being some of the biggest encouragers of transformation for the other couples. If you are curious about what this experience is like, I blogged about it early on. I ended up staying on staff of The Hideaway Experience for about four years and it continues to be one of the most amazing experiences I have had in working with clients, especially couples, as well as being an amazing experience for me. Eventually it was difficult for me in my stage of life (young family, growing practice, etc.) to continue to travel to Palo Duro to do an intensive, so I eventually resigned, but continue to be in collaboration with them, as well as referring clients to them and working with couples after they do an intensive.   But all of these experiences led me to really want to dive more in depth into Restoration Therapy so I could better understand the change I was seeing in individuals and couples I worked with, as well become a better practitioner of the model. So in December of 2014 I started Level I training with Terry, and then completed Level II training with Terry in May and June of this year. Now I'm a certified Restoration Therapy therapist...it has helped me better understand a model I had already been practicing for about the last 4+ years.   As I have stated above, this is a model that has changed my life, so I use it with all my clients to varying degrees, whether individual, couples or families. And what I have learned from it I implement in my relationships, whether it be my wife, kids, parents, friends or colleagues. That being said, I decided it was time to do a podcast about Restoration Therapy. There is so much I could talk about, but I thought I could start with just a general overview of some of its features, as well as how the Pain and Peace Cycles work. There is definitely more to be said on this topic, and I will continue to write some posts on it, as well as record some podcasts on the topic, and eventually have Terry Hargrave on the podcast, as well as Steve and Rajan Trafton, and my good friend Todd Sandel who was the first to train me at The Hideaway Experience.   So in this podcast I do my best to talk through some of the features of Restoration Therapy and how it can be applied to your life and relationships. In the podcast I discuss: my experience at The Hideaway Experience early on and eventually as a co-therapist. my experience in learning the 5 Days to a New Marriage (i.e. Restoration Therapy) and how I began to apply it to my practice. how Restoration Therapy changed people's lives. my desire to learn more about Restoration Therapy, and eventually go train with Terry Hargrave the 4 elements of Restoration Therapy: a) helping people identify and understand their pain (fostering awareness in the client of their destructive pattern); b) promote emotional regulation through helping the client identify their truth (teaching the client to take responsibility for themselves); c) provide cognitive map for understanding new behavior (helping client make choices); d) practice of these steps (mindfulness/experiential). Restoration Therapy's focus on attachment, emotional regulation, and mindfulness. the Pain Cycle the Peace Cycle Restoration Therapy's 4 steps: a) say what you feel; b) say what you normally do; c) say your truth; d) say what action you will do differently. how I've used the Restoration Therapy model for individuals, couples, families, churches, organizations and corporations. Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support. iTunes Stitcher Player FM Libsyn Resources Discussed in This Episode The Hideaway Experience Steve and Rajan Trafton 5 Days to a New Marriage Terry Hargrave Restoration Therapy and Restoration Therapy Training Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy Shawn Stoever Winshape Todd Sandel LifeGate Counseling

Terry Hargrave

Terry Hargrave