Rhett Smith Podcast

This was a fun and deep and meaningful conversation with my good friend Jennifer McDaniel. Jennifer is a nutritionist and author, and is the founder and director of McDaniel Nutrition Therapy. I first met Jennifer in early 2022 when I was preparing to run the 106 mile UTMB trail race and she was my assigned nutritionist.  In this conversation we explore a trend that we have been noticing in our culture for many people to move away from social media as well as figuring out other avenues to quiet all the technological noise. We have noticed this move in our work with clients, as well as experiencing a personal shift within us. Ultimately, the conversation gets down to the concept of self-worth and how much of it is often built upon notions of one's producitivty and ability to perform tasks. And how it can be difficult to move out of arenas (such as social media, email, hustle culture/work, etc.) when one's self-worth is often maintained by engagement and productivity in those areas.  Below is a list of authors and books and resources mentioned in the podcast.  Jennifer McDaniel Substack  Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May 4000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World by Cal Newport Slow Productivity: The Lost Art of Accomplishment Without Burnout by Cal Newport Just a Thought: A No-Willpower Approach to Overcome Self-Doubt and Make Peace with Your Mind by Amy Johnson In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri Nouwen  Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr    

About a week and a half ago I spoke at Preston Trail's Marriage Conference on Mental Health and Marriage. As I thought about this topic I kept coming back to a few essential things that I feel are at the core of this topic. we are wired relationally we are wired relationally around love and trust optimum mental health in a marriage is incumbent about the promotion of love and trust  So in this episode I reflect on this topic, and I hope you find it helpful. 

In this episode I talk with my good friend, Will Perry, who is the Lead Student Pastor at Hope Fellowship Church in Frisco, TX, which is a multi-site campus.  I have known Will for almost 10 years and have loved watching him serve in youth ministry. He is one of the best youth pastors I have known, and I admire the way he engages not only youth, but his leadership and volunteers.  In this episode we cover a lot of topics from being a student of your kid, to navigating social media, the challenges around sex in this culture, and how to create an ongoing, emotionally safe environment to engage your kids.  I hope that you enjoy this episode and find it's content helpful.  Check out more of my work at my website www.rhettsmith.com

In this episode I talk with my good friend and colleague, Michael Cox, who is a Licensed Professional Counselor, and contributor and instructor in the Restoration Therapy community that I am a part of.  I appreciate Michael so much as a friend and colleague, and I admire the work he does with so many people, especially couples.  In this episode we dig deep into marital work, and what typically brings couples into therapy, what helps them thrive, and where do they often get stuck.  I hope that you enjoy this episode and find it's content helpful.  Check out more of my work at my website www.rhettsmith.com

In this episode I talk with my good friend Nicole Zasowski, who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the author of several books: What if it's Wonderful, From Lost to Found, and Families and Forgiveness which she co-authored with Terry Hargrave.  I so much respect the professional and personal work that Nicole does in her life, and she is a lifelong learner which I love.  In this episode we dig deep into anxiety and looking at it through the framework of the Restoration Therapy model.  I hope that you enjoy this episode and find it's content helpful.  Check out more of my work at my website www.rhettsmith.com

In this episode I talk with my good friend Broc Jahnke, who is the Lead Care and Support Pastor at Hope Fellowship Church in Frisco, TX. I wanted to have Broc in to talk about one of the ministries he specifically oversees -- ReGeneration -- which is a 12 step recovery ministry. I finished going through ReGeneration near the end of 2023 after 48 weeks, and it's something I wanted to unpack more with him. Whether you know anything, or nothing about ReGeneration, or are just even curious about a recovery ministry, I encourage you to tune in. I have been referring clients to ReGen for 10-12 years, and I finally figured it was time I went through it myself after needing to work through some painful issues in my own life, but in the context of community. Check out more of my work at my website www.rhettsmith.com

It has been a little over 8.5 years since I first launched my podcast, but I've taken long breaks, and have not recorded a new episode in over a year and a half.  It's been a season of working on my own personal and relational life with others, and diving deep into some new things. In this episode I talk about my vision for this new relaunch of my podcast and the importance of the word praxis. It is my desire to bridge theory and learning to practice, but praxis is more than that. Praxis is about the importance of our theory and practice, but with the end goal in mind. How we are doing something, and who we are becoming in the process, is of utmost importance.  I hope you will join me in this new season of my podcast, and I hope you will find not only valuable insight for your life, but new practices that are transformative. I am looking forward to this journey as well and from learning from new guests along the way, as well as from listeners like yourself. 

Earlier this year I was really impacted by Michael Easter's book The Comfort Crisis. And I think what stood out to me the most was really the idea that in order to grow, one must work on becoming more comfortable with the uncomfortable -- and I liked how he connected it with the idea of progressive overload that we often find in the exercise/strength literature. When I came across that it really resonated with my work on anxiety. Mainly -- that for people to really transform their anxiety it is a process of taking their insight and putting it into practice -- but that transition is really uncomfortable and anxiety inducing. But it is in many ways a progressive overload of anxiety that one intentionally puts upon themselves to grow and heal. Lots of people have insight about their anxiety, but often they are missing some deeper truths about it that can bring healing, or they become paralyzed with insight. Too much info that keeps them from moving into practice. And sometimes people will try all kinds of new things to attack their anxiety, or will spend a life managing it, but don't have the insight to get at the healing they need. Navigating our anxiety requires that we gain deep insight about it, and then we put that insight into intentional consistent practice. That is what transforms it. But the process can create anxiety, and so learning to get comfortable with the uncomfortable is the journey we must all be on.

In this episode I share with you some lessons I've recently learned in hiring an endurance running coach to help me train and complete the UTMB trail race this year in the Alps.  I talk about the importance of hiring a coach (therapist, executive coach, etc) to help with: coming up with a flexible plan to create change and accomplish your goals. the importance of accountability that comes with hiring a coach and how it increases discipline, provides correction and creates an environment for practice. the benefit of receiving encouragement in a coaching relationship/therapeutic relationship. connecting to the resources and tools and networks that will help you to continue to grow. Check out the episode. 

This podcast episode is a further exploration of the blog post, Anxious Progression One Day at a Time.  In this episode I explore the concept of progressive overload in physical fitness, and how that same concept can be applied to working through anxiety -- mainly, progressively adding anxiety to our lives that we have to sit with, face, overcome, etc. It's through the progressive overload of anxiety that we are ultimately transformed. In this episode I share my own journey of doing this, as well as share some ideas and stories how others have used this concept -- all set against the backdrop of my 100 mile run (which was a progressive overload for me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually -- over the course of many years).

I recently wrote about this on my blog -- because I've realized the last few months that I have been depressed and anxious for a while. Spurred on by the continual navigation of COVID, and how that has impacted things culturally, as well as some of the way things are currently done on a day to day basis -- I've realized that there has been a latent affect to what has been going on for 18 months, and finally some of that was starting to emerge in my mental health. In this episode I talk about three important things that can really help you if you find yourself struggling with your mental health -- particularly, depression and anxiety. I will take a look at what it means to acknowledge, identify and reframe your depression and anxiety -- and how these things could be really crucial to navigating your mental health in a positive way.  

I have always been a fan of breath work, especially in the way that it has not only been so helpful for my own life and the anxiety that I have struggled with -- but I have literally seen it change the people's lives that I work with. Breath work is integral to our ability to emotionally regulate -- to stay calm and connected, not only with ourselves, but with others. In this episode I explore: the book that really shifted my belief in breath work some tools that I recommend for breath work my 110 day experiment with taping my mouth shut at bedtime helpful apps to practice breath work why breath work is so critical. how my anxiety levels decreased drastically and my sleep increased drastically. varying breath work methods I used in my running and weight lifting training.   Here are some of the Things/People that I mention in this episode: Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art by James Nestor Art of Manliness Interview with James Nestor Headspace app Calm app Don't Panic app Breathwrk app

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.  Pierre Teilhard de Chardin I'm definitely no expert on the topic of fasting, but I have been experimenting with it for a few years, and finally decided to do my longest fast since I first tried it back on Maunday Thursday in 1999. In early February I did my first ever 5 day water only fast. And it was a very difficult and amazing experience. I want  to share with you my ongoing experiment with fasting -- but as I do -- I always recommend that you consult with your doctor, health coach, etc, before you decide to do your own. Though I grew up in a rich faith tradition where fasting was an important spiritual practice, I know that fasting is really an integrative discipline that interconnect our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual lives. In this episode I will discuss: the basic details of my fast what I added to my water (lemon juice, salt, LMNT) my experience of losing 13lbs in 5 days. defining your purpose for fasting the double standard when it comes to fasting how fasting brings your emotional, mental and spiritual life to the surface in a very raw form.   Links to Things/People Mentioned in the Episode Valter Longo The Longevity Diet Zach Bush Ion Gut Health Prolon -- 5 Day Fasting/Mimicking Diet

At the beginning of each new year we tend to think about turning the page on the current year, setting some goals, and moving with energy and momentum towards the new year that awaits us. Though there is no magic with the turning of the calendar year, it does offer us a chance to think about resetting. But this was a different kind of year. 2020 threw all kinds at challenges at us, and as we move into 2021, I don't think any of us are under the illusion that a new year will automatically change things. But it still does offer us what the New Year transition has always offered us -- a change to pause for a minute and reflect upon what we have been through, and to think about where we are going. What I have found helpful in this transitional period is to identify some specific goals that I can work on for the year -- ones that I can track and measure -- ones that involve a certain element of risk and the potential for failure. So in this episode I want to come alongside of you and share what I have been doing that is helpful for me. You probably have your own methods, but I hope you learn something new and beneficial from how I do things. In this episode I discuss --the importance of thinking about goals over the long term -- not just in short frames of time. I talk about the quotes by Frederick Nietzsche, Eugene Peterson and Rich Roll that sent the context for this "long obedience in the same direction". --Categorizing goals in the areas of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. --Importance of habits to goal setting and achieving goals, with specific attention to cornerstone/keystone habits. --Writing down and reviewing and re-evaluating your goals / perhaps in a journal you write with hand -- like the Leuchtterm 1917 linked below. --The concept of drift and learning to "defy drift" (something my executive coaching mentor discusses)   --Hindrances that often get in the way of achieving goals. Link Rich Roll on overestimating what can be accomplished in a year, and underestimating what can be accomplished over the course of a decade. Friedrich Nietzsche on a "long obedience in the same direction". Eugene Peterson -- A Long Obedience in the Same Direction: Discipleship in an Instant Society Charles Duhigg -- The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business James Clear -- Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones Drew Sams Instagram post on his word of "outside" Leuchtterm 1917 journal (I use the lined one / sometimes I use the dotted matrix one as well)  

It's hard to know where to begin when describing my friend Marc Payan. Just Google his name and see what comes up. Marc is a leader everywhere he goes, and like few people I have seen before, he inspires and encourages those around him to life a transformed life. That's the best way I can put it -- though it doesn't even really capture accurately what I want to say about Marc. So you are going to have to take a listen. And check out his Instagram where he posts a lot of great content and daily stories. Oh, and did I mention all the amazing work he has done in communities with his Payan X "movement". Or that he is a Lululemon ambassador who has garnered global attention with his virtual running community during COVID-19. As you can see, Marc is hard to describe in a few sentences, so I hope you enjoy our conversation covering a lot of topics from leadership, to his quad core principles, to his love of endurance running. Check out our video interview on YouTube

Part of being human is that we get anxious. And no human can opt out of experiencing anxiety. It visits all of us at varying times in our lives, and to varying degrees. But what if you can reframe anxiety in a way that you see it as a friend, rather than a foe. What if your anxiety could help you grow? I explore this and what it means to be anxious. And how we often misinterpret critical passages and understandings on this topic.

Todd Sandel (CEO and Founder of The SouthCity Group) and I discuss the importance of play and rest at home and in organizations. One of the most important things leaders can do is model from top down the importance of play and rest to their teams.

Todd Sandel (CEO and founder of The SouthCity Group) and I continue our conversation around leadership during this time of uncertainty due to COVID-19. In this episode we address leadership drift due to overworking and trying to prove ourselves worthy of adding value.

In my ongoing conversations with Todd Sandel (CEO and founder of The SouthCity Group), we discuss the difference between personal wellness and productivity. One leads to burnout, while the other can lead to a thriving home and organization.

Todd Sandel (CEO and founder of The SouthCity Group) and I continue our conversation about leadership during this time of uncertainty. In today's episode we focus on the habits and routines that help leaders and their organizations thrive during this time. As well as talking about what that looks like in the home. Specifically the importance of tuning in with one another.

In this interview I chat with CEO and founder of The SouthCity Group Todd Sandel about how leaders can navigate this time of uncertainty. We discuss the metaphor of trimming the sails and how leaders and their teams can identify and prioritize what is most important during this time. This is critical in organizations and in the home.  

Yesterday I posted a short video on the movement from orientation to disorientation to new orientation. I first learned it by this name and paradigm by reading Walter Brueggemann's work, The Message of the Psalms. The movement itself is as old as humanity, and it is a movement that we all go through in our lives. Currently we are in a period of global and national and local disorientation -- together -- I hope that we move into a newness when COVID-19 subsides, and that we just don't go back to our old ways. Because disorientation brings about growth. There is an opportunity for us to be a new kind of people and community.

It's been a long time since I have done a podcast. About a year actually. I was on a break for awhile, just reading, researching, writing and focusing on other kinds of work. I had nothing new to add to the conversation so thought I would hit pause. But in light of COVID-19 and how it has caused all of us to look at some things in a new way, it has also really caused a spike in people's mental health struggles...from anxiety to depression, and beyond. In this episode I wanted to keep it simple and just focus on the four pillars of self-care, which is why I started this podcast about 3 years ago. It is more critical than ever that we are being mindful of our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual capacities, as they are often the key to help up regulate our emotional reactivity...allowing us to show up in our not only our own lives...but the lives of those around us (family, friends, neighbors, community) in a way that is life-giving. And we need more than ever to be people that breathe life into those we are around.

In this episode I had the privilege of sitting down with my good friends Jeff and Robin Reinke. Besides being colleagues of mine in a workshop we lead in equipping ministry leaders in a variety of issues impacting the church, we are also co-authors in Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders: Restoring Relationships and Building Community During Difficult Conversations. Jeff is the Marriage and Family Pastor at North Coast Calvary Church in Carlsbad, CA, and Robin is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Carlsbad, CA. They are an amazing couple with a beautiful story of redemption and hope, and they are passionate about helping others navigate their own life struggles. In This Episode Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders: Restoring Relationships and Building Community During Difficult Conversations  

In this episode I discuss the topic of singleness with my colleague Kelly Haer. Kelly is on staff at Pepperdine University in the Boone Center for the Family where she is the Relationship IQ Director. Kelly is a part of the teaching group that I am a part of that meets with and trains ministry leaders 3-4 times a year on issues that are impacting the church. In our time together we works towards equipping these leaders to more successfully address the issues that they come across in the local church. Singleness happens to be one of those topics that many churches are struggling to address, especially during a period of time where more and more people are not getting married, yet ministry often targets marriage and family. Kelly addresses this issue at length in our free e-book, Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders: Restoring Relationships and Building Community During Difficult Conversations. In this e-book, and in this conversation, she discusses the current state of singleness in the United States, its impact in the church, and how Restoration Therapy provides a tool to best address this issue. Mentioned in the Episode Kelly Haer Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders: Restoring Relationships and Building Community During Difficult Conversations

In this episode I get to sit down with a colleague of mine who I have been getting to know more over the last couple of years in our collaborative work together around Restoration Therapy and ministry leaders.   Robert Scholz is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, consultant and writer, who specializes in helping individuals and families who are struggling with addictions.   I am so glad to have Robert on the podcast, as addictions is something that I come into contact almost everyday in my work, but it's not something that I specialize in. So thankfully I have skilled people like Robert that I can refer to. In this episode we dive into what an addiction is, it's characteristics, and how it is defined. And we explore the impact of addiction on relationships, and more specifically drugs and alcohol, while also touching on the rampant and addictive nature of vaping.     Mentioned in the Episode Robert Scholz Website Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders: Restoring Relationships and Building Community During Difficult Conversations

In this episode I spend some time in conversation with Terry and Sharon Hargrave. Terry is the founder of Restoration Therapy and is the Evelyn and Frank Freed Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Theological Seminary and Sharon is the Executive Director of the Boone Center for the Family at Pepperdine University, as well as the founder and director of Relate Strong.   I have known this couple for about 8 years, and not only do I consider them close friends, but I am a huge fan of them. Restoration Therapy has changed my life and practice, and my wife and I have also trained together in Relate Strong.   I can not say enough nice things about Terry and Sharon, and the impact they are making upon the world. In this episode we explore some of the early roots of Restoration Therapy and Relate Strong, and why we are bringing this work to ministry leaders in our workshops that we do several times a year.   Mentioned in the Episode Download your free copy of Vital Tools for Relevant Church Leaders Restoration Therapy by Terry Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer Relate Strong

  "for dust you are and to dust you will return.” (Genesis 3:19) In this episode I reflect on the passage found in Genesis 3:19 that is repeated every Ash Wednesday.   It's a beautiful, but harrowing passage that reminds us of just how fragile and short our lives are.   But this reminder, rather than being tragic, is to help us focus on our life on what is important.   We were created from the very dust of the earth (Genesis 2:7). Our first work (vocation) was to work the land (the dust) we were created from, displaying a connection between our identity and the work, service and hobbies we put our lives towards (Genesis 2:15). And yet, often, many things cut us off from this very soil (the dust), and disconnect us not only from our identity, but our Creator as well (Genesis 4:14).     Mentioned in Episode "The Summer Day" by Mary Oliver Water from Rock (Check out their Lenten Devotionals) Henri Nouwen Ray Anderson Semana Santa in Antigua, Guatemala

  And he said, "Hagar, slave-girl, of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?" Genesis 16:8 Where have you come from? Where are you going? Perhaps these are two of the most important and fundamental questions we can ask ourselves. I appreciate that Jay Stringer brings to these questions in his phenomenal book, Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. It wasn't until I read his book that I realized, these are two of the most fundamental questions I have been asking my whole life...and they are the questions that I am continually asking my clients in my therapy practice. They often don't take the form of those exact sentences, but they are asked in some form or fashion throughout my work. And it is these two questions, and this text, that I dive into in this episode. I hope you enjoy the episode. And more importantly, I hope you are asking yourself these two questions. Mentioned in the Episode Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer The Message of the Psalms by Walter Brueggemann The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family by Patrick Lencioni

This episode is somewhat of a continuation of Episode 115 where I reflected both theologically and psychologically on the biblical text found in Genesis 1-3 (and a little of 4). Those opening chapters have lots of insight and implications for us relationally. In this episode I want to pick up on some of those themes, especially the idea of self-differentiation, and focus on how Restoration Therapy lends itself nicely to this concept. I think you will find this a helpful episode in understand you and your relationships better.  

I had the opportunity this last Monday to record a video on anxiety with another therapist, and one of the pastors at Preston Trail Community Church in Frisco. And then a few hours later, I talked to a group of parents at Legacy Christian Academy in Frisco about anxiety and depression. It's obvious that anxiety and depression are prevalent issues affecting our culture today. One only has to read the latest headlines, look into the most up to date statistics, or have a conversation with someone you know....everyone seems to struggle with anxiety and depression at some point in their life. This is an issue I have talked about a lot, and I continue to talk about it, as it's something I am very passionate about. There are lots of angles to approach this topic, but the most important in my mind is that we reframe the conversation around anxiety and depression as one being about shame and something being wrong with someone...to it's something that affects all of us, and we need to be able to bring it out into the open, and talk about how anxiety and depression can be used as an opportunity for growth. In this episode I dive into what anxiety and depression are, how to reframe it, what tools you can use, and much more. I hope you find this helpful. Some of the Things Mentioned in This Episode Kevin Love on his battle with anxiety The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good? The Concept of Anxiety Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: The Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety Headspace Don't Panic with Andrew Johnson Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain  

As I mentioned in a previous podcast, I thought I would take some time this year (on occasion) to stop and reflect on my reading of the bible, and how it connects at the intersection of theology and psychology. So in this episode I want to take some time and just reflect on Genesis 1-4 and some insights that may be helpful for you and your relationships. Enjoy the episode. Books Mentioned in this Episode Creation and Fall: A Theological Exposition of Genesis 1-3 by Dietrich Bonhoeffer On Being Human: Essays in Theological Anthropology by Ray Anderson Exclusion and Embrace: A Theological Exploration of Identity, Otherness and Reconciliation by Miroslav Volf

It's been about 5 months since my last podcast episode, as I was needing to take a break for a while why I focused on some other goals.   But it's time for a new podcast season, and in this episode I talk about some new topics I am going to explore this season, as well as some new goals that I have been working on, and how I am using a paper journal to help me stay focused and on track. I hope that this episode motivates you in the new year, and gives you some new ideas to accomplish all that you set out to do.    

"Love consists in this, that two solitudes, protect and border and salute each other." -- Rainer Maria Rilke   A couple of weeks ago my wife and I returned from a "marriage adventure" on the Inca Trail in Peru. This adventure (through WinShape and Intrepid), led us for four days and 3 nights hiking along the 33 miles to Machu Picchu. This was an unbelievable experience for my wife and I as we led four other couples on this marriage adventure. But probably one of the most transformative aspects of the trip was the moments (sometimes very long moments -- hours at a time) of silence as I walked along the trail. And what struck me most was the moments of silence between my wife and I. A comfortable silence where neither of us felt the need to talk or crack jokes, or lighten the levity with noise. But instead, it was that silence that drove me closer to God, and closer to her. And it was in that silence that I really grew.   In this episode I reflect on the importance of silence in relationships, which is something that I'm trying to work on and get better at in my own life.   In the episode I mention the wonderful book by Henri Nouwen, The Way of the Heart: Connecting to God Though Prayer, Wisdom and Silence. And I also mention the book by Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet.    

As many of you know from listening to my podcasts, or reading my blog over the years, is I'm pretty obsessed with the novels of Susan Howatch. Particularly her Starbridge Series of which I'm about to finish my 9th reading of the series in the last 15 years. It's that impactful and transforming in my life.   But I talk about one book in particular in this podcast episode (Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch), and more specifically about one verse. The verse is Romans 8:28. The NIV translation is as follows:  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.   The Scottish theologian William Barclay translated the verse the following way:   “God intermingles all things for good for those who love Him.” (Romans 8:28, translated by William Barclay)   I'm particularly drawn to this translation of the Greek text, especially as it tends to communicate that God takes all the bad and good, all the light and dark, all the negative and positive, and mingles them together. God weaves them together for good. God doesn't necessarily remove all the dark, but in mingling them together creates a beautiful tapestry of our lives that contain both the light and the dark. The implication of the translation has very different trajectory and understanding for one's life, than another translation.   With this in mind, I reflect in this episode on this translation.   In the episode I also talk about an article my dad wrote called Our Intermingling God, which I find particularly insightful for what is being discussed in this episode.

  "I'd like to know more, of course, but I've accepted that there's nothing more he has to say; I've accepted that there's a limit on our knowledge of even those who are closest to us. The older one gets the more one realises how saturated life is in mystery, and the biggest mystery of all, it often seems to me, is the mystery of the human personality." -- Lyle Ashworth   Scandalous Risks by Susan Howatch In this episode I explore the mystery that are people, and how it's not really until we create a safe space for others, become curious about them, and acknowledge that not all is to be known about ourselves and others, can we truly live in grace with one another.   Mentioned in the Episode Lost Susan Howatch Starbridge Series Glittering Images Glamorous Powers Ultimate Prizes Scandalous Risks Mystical Paths Absolute Truths Dallas Willard Renovation of the Heart Jean Marie Rilke Letters to a Young Poet Kalil Gibran The Prophet

One of the things that happens at the beginning of every year, or at the start of a major transition, is that you see people setting goals. If you were like me you probably thought about all the goals you wanted to achieve in the New Year, and you might have even taken the time to write them down. But if you are also like me, it's possible that you have declared goals in the past, but never quite saw them to completion.   I count it a privilege that I get to spend about 1200 hours a year in session with people because I get to learn all kinds of helpful tools and tips from them. Though they are coming to get help from me (and I hope they find it helpful), I too am learning from them.   So in this episode I want to share with you 8 principles that I have found to be helpful in setting and completing goals. These are principles I've gleaned from reading, and from clients and colleagues and friends, and most importantly, they are principles I have put into action and had success with in my own life.   So in this episode I share with you these 8 important principles when it comes to goal setting: Focus on a limited number of goals (ex. 1-4 goals). Allow goals to build sequentially over time, or have "baby steps" built into them. Be very specific. (i.e. not I want to be fit, but rather, I will run this specific 5K). Attach goal to a bigger purpose/vision (i.e. I want to be able to keep up with my kids, etc.) Create accountability. Write the goals down Re-Evaluate the goals along the way (i.e. have a check-in process) Celebrate the accomplishing or achievement of the goal.   Resources Mentioned in This Episode The Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family by Patrick Lencioni Palo Duro Trail Run Charity Water Scott Harrison interview on the Rich Roll Podcast

The new near can bring forth a lot of varying emotions from people. In my experience, a large number of people come into the new year very excited about change and all the potential possibilities that await them. It's often a time to start anew. But there is also a large number of people who come into the new year with a lot of fears about what awaits them, perhaps because the prior year was so challenging. And when I think about these varying experiences I think about anxiety. Anxiety is both an excitement about something new and that we care about, but it can also be about things that create fear for us. Anxiety can be healthy or unhealthy as I have written about and said many times before.   In this episode I want to explore some principles and strategies that you can implement for yourself, or help others with this year. So if you work with a group of people this could be very helpful for you. And to do this, I primarily "piggyback" off a recent article I wrote for the Fuller Youth Institute called Helping Adolescents Work Through the Rising Tide of Anxiety.   In the article and in this podcast I explore: Create space and give permission to talk about anxiety. Help identify the roots of anxiety. Provide tools to help manage the anxiety. Reframe anxiety as an opportunity to grow. Practice working through the anxiety.   Resources Mentioned in This Podcast Helping Adolescents Work Through the Rising Tide of Anxiety Downloadable PDF of the Pain Cycle (i.e. feelings/emotions) Feeling Word Vocabulary (Think 2 Perform)  

    Often when I'm working with someone in session I try to think of visual and tangible ways that they can remember some of the things that we are processing together. And what I have noticed a lot about relational interactions is that there tends to be this movement that I have found to be helpful for people.   This movement goes something like this: a) Ask for what you need/want/desire; b) But then let go of expectations of what you just asked for; c) And then hold on to yourself. Basically the posture is about opening yourself up to be vulnerable in relationships to communicate what you desire, while at the same time not demanding or holding your spouse to that request. And as you do that, learning to emotionally regulate yourself ("hold on").   People who are able to do this in their relationships tend to have very healthy and successful relationships in my opinion.   So in this episode I talk explore what it means to: ask for what you want/need/desire let go of those expectations hold on to yourself

      As many of you know, I love to run. And over the last 3-4 years I have been getting more and more into trail running, as well into ultrarunning (which is technically anything over 26.2 miles). And about a month ago I finished my second ever 50K race, and my second race ever at the Palo Duro Trail Run. My first 50K was the Cowtown Ultra, and a year after that I ran my first race in Palo Duro which was a 50 miler. This time I decided to dial back a bit in terms of race mileage for several reasons...but primarily so I would finish earlier in the day and have more time to hang out with my family, since camping is a big part of this trip.   And like any long race I've done, I usually learn some amazing life lessons that help me grow as a person. And often these life lessons I am able to apply into my counseling practice with others, and help them grow as well. In this episode I talk about: The importance of preparation and training and practice for any goals we are trying to achieve. And how all of our practice over time helps us gain insights that help us continue to refine the preparation phases. The reality of setbacks in our preparation as we try and achieve goals, and what you can do when you come upon a setback, which in my experience, we all inevitably do. The importance of having a good "team" around you (i.e. family, friends, colleagues, etc.) The importance of "waiting things out" when you hit a setback. We all have to persevere, and sometimes it's just about "waiting things out." Why setting your goals in the context of a larger narrative (i.e. bigger picture), as well as the importance of enjoying the pursuit of your goals.     Links Mentioned in the Episode Palo Duro Trail Run

      Over the last several years my wife and I have begun a new journey in our life. That journey has involved a couple of elements: 1) Trying to incorporate more adventure into our marriage (i.e. trips, taking on challenges, etc.); 2) Working on ways to partner together in marriage. And last month we took another step closer in combining these two elements when we went away for a few days to WinShape Marriage to be trained as a leaders to lead their marriage adventures.   What is a marriage adventure? Imagine sailing on a catamaran in the BVI's for 8 days with 3 other couples, why you work on your marriage with daily activities and conversations, all while taking on daily adventures. This was something my wife and I were invited to participate in 3 years ago, and it was an experience that changed our life.   Or imagine leading couples through Machu Picchu in Peru, or leading couples on a contemplative pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago in Spain, or working with other couples in orphanges in Guatemala?   Well today's guest is the one who oversees WinShape Marriage and all their adventures, and I was excited to have him on to talk about why the element of adventure is so important in marriages. Also, Matt has taken quite the trajectory to get to where he is today, working in some of the most paradigm shifting organizations in the field of marriage.   In this episode we discuss: his love for combining psychology and theology and its integration into marriage work. his work with Gary Smalley and marriage intensives. his time at Prepare and Enrich and what he learned about marriages. he and his family selling everything and moving to Peru for two years. his experience of doing a personal intensives at OnSite and how that changed his life. his current work at Winshape Marriage. what are the keys to a successful marriage. how you and your spouse can get involved with WinShape Marriage. Resources and People Mentioned in the Podcast Gary Smalley Prepare and Enrich Todd Sandel The Hideaway Experience OnSite WinShape Marriage

      One of the reasons many couples can't solve conflict in their relationship is because they often get stuck thinking that their argument is really about the topic at hand (i.e. money, sex, parenting, work, inlaws, etc.). And as long as they believe that, then they will stay perpetually stuck. What I've learned in my experience as a therapist is that the problem isn't about the topic, but rather the problem is the negative pattern of interaction that the couple has created over time in their relationship as they try to work through problems.   I'm obviously not the first to come to this conclusion, but this point has become more clear to me day by day in my work. I think that many of us counselors are guilty of sometimes just focusing on better communication techniques (which are super important), rather than helping a couple understand their underlying destructive pattern of interaction. My work in Restoration Therapy really helped me understand how guilty I was of this, and it helped provide me with a new framework to use in relationships with the Pain and Peace Cycle which I have talked about in many podcast episodes.   When a couple can become aware of and understand their destructive pattern of interaction (their Pain Cycle), and they can construct and practice a new positive pattern of interaction (their Peace Cycle), then they are ultimately able to create a safe connection, which will lead to the solving of issues if that was their primary goal (because sometimes the goal is just to connect). People and Resources Mentioned in This Episode Terry Hargrave and Restoration Therapy  

      This is a very short podcast episode, but it's a really important one.   One of the most important tasks I have in the counseling room is to help people to discern between what their feelings and coping behaviors are. In fact, I spend a lot of time helping people understand their feelings, and what coping behaviors they often lead to. When a person understands this level of awareness, they are often able to do deeper work and gain not only the insight they desired, but achieve the transformational change they were seeking.   But one of the things I started to learn during my training under Terry Hargrave in Restoration Therapy, is that not only the feelings that I thought were feelings....were really feelings. For example, I always classified anxiety and anger and depression for example as feelings. You would find me saying things like "I'm feeling really anxious right now", or "I woke up feeling depressed today." And people I work with in my office would often say the same thing.   Terry Hargrave helped me really begin to understand that those things that I thought were feelings, were really coping behaviors. For example, I wasn't feeling anxious, I was becoming anxious (I was doing anxiety if you will), because underneath the surface I was feeling inadequate.   Now if someone comes into my office saying they feel anxious, or feel angry, or feel depressed for example, I will run with that for the time being as I'm trying to understand them. But my work as a therapist (especially if I'm going to be a therapist who can help them), is to really help them distinguish between feeling and action. I don't want to get caught chasing what I think is a feeling, and is really a coping behavior. Then I end up just focused on the behavior and trying to provide more tools for someone to work on that behavior. Instead, what I want to do is address the core underlying feelings of that behavior. When I can help someone do that, then I'm that much closer to really helping them get on the pathway to healing.   There are other coping behaviors often disguised as feelings, but I see anxiety and anger and depression come up the most.   So in this episode I took a little bit of time to talk about this, and why I think it's an important distinction.

I talk a lot about anxiety on this podcast. And sometimes anxiety can seem vague or too theoretical, unless one really has experienced. And even then, just talking about it can seem like an intellectual exercise.   But today I had a personal experience that really makes concrete what I mean when I talk about a good anxiety...the kind that is there in the midst of peace, and just reminds you of the quality of your relationships. In that case, that anxiety I believe is a gift...it's a reminder of what you have.   In this episode I share my experience of dropping my wife off at the Dallas Ft. Worth airport as she was flying to Rwanda. So check out this episode as I share about the anxiety that I experienced as I dropped her off and why I cherish it.

I have recently been thinking a lot about the intertwining of vocation and anxiety. What I mean by that is that it seems that part of the journey towards finding vocation is that anxiety is often along for the journey.   In my writing and speaking on anxiety, and in my work with clients, I talk a lot about listening to the voice of anxiety. I believe that anxiety speaks to our life and if we listen to it, it can help guide us along our life's journey. The problem is that we live in a culture that wants to bury and numb out anxiety as much as possible. And when we drown out anxiety, we can't hear how it is informing our life.   But there's also this other voice, and that is of vocation. Parker Palmer in his wonderful book, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, talks about the Latin root of vocation, which is voce. It's literally a voice that is summoning you towards it.   And in this episode I want to explore how these two voices interact with each other and why that is important. I discuss: the voice of anxiety the voice of vocation how these two voices interact with each other the importance of discernment in distinguishing the voices and how they are guiding you.     Resources Mentioned in this Episode Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good? by Rhett Smith

One of the most prevalent topics that I come across in my counseling and when I'm speaking, is the topic of technology and relationships. Specifically, the technology of the smart phone/iPad/computer...but usually the smart phone. And along with this technology there is typically a conversation around the online tools that are used with it...mostly, social media (i.e. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, etc.). And the reason these topics come up so often is because so many people find themselves with an unhealthy relationship to their technological devices which often impact their relationships. I spend a lot of time helping couples navigate their technological devices and how it's impacted their relationships, and talking through how to put proper boundaries on it. But one area of life that I think can be the most challenging for people is trying to know how to parent kids in an age of the smart phone and social media. Not a week passes where I'm not working with a teenager who is struggling with pornography (and it's not just boys who are dealing with this), or a teenager who has sexted or shared some nude image via text to a person or a group of people. This is a huge issue and I think most parents believe this will never be a challenge they have to face...and then inevitably they are sitting across from me in my office with this challenge.   I really feel for not only parents, but kids growing up in a world with instant access to not only some amazing things, but some of the darkest things on the internet. And so knowing how to parent in these times can be confusing and overwhelming.   I have spent the last 22 years working with kids and their families in both the church and clinical setting, and from about 2003-2013 I would often do workshops and seminars, and speak at conferences on the role of technology in our lives. In fact, my first time to have something published in a book was in 2008 when I wrote a chapter on Facebook and Youth Ministry for the book, The New Media Frontier: Blogging, Vlogging, and Podcasting for Christ. But probably my deepest understanding of the role of technology in our lives came when I met my good friend John Dyer. John is one of the most brilliant thinkers I know on technology, and especially from a theological/psychological/philosophical perspective, and we had the opportunity to team up and do some workshops together. So I owe a great debt to him, and you will hear about that in this episode. In this episode: I discuss how technology is neutral (neither good nor bad), but how it shapes us regardless of it's use. I discuss how to think through how technology will impact you when you bring it into your house (i.e. giving your kid a smart phone, using social media, etc.) I discuss the various ways parents have tried to parent when it comes to technology. I discuss the various tools parents have used in parenting with regard to technology. I discuss what some potential steps might look like when you are thinking about allowing your kids to have a technological device (i.e. smart phone, iPad, computer), and to use social media. Resources and People Mentioned in this Episode John Dyer Adam McClane From the Garden to the City: The Redeeming and Corrupting Power of Technology by John Dyer A Parent's Guide to Understanding Social Media by Adam McClane It's Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens by Danah Boyd Right Click: Parenting Your Teenager in a Digital Media World by Art Bamford and Kara Powell Disconnected: Parenting Teens in a MySpace World by Chap Clark HURT: Inside the World of Today's Teenagers by Chap Clark Covenant Eyes Safe Eyes (no longer available) Life360 Open DNS You can also check out Episode 24 of my podcast where I talk about, How Technology Shapes Us, Informs our Identity, and Some Boundaries We Can Implement As We Use It (also check out all the links in the show notes)  

Wow! I can't believe I am already at Episode 100. I published my first episode back on March 24, 2015, with the goal of trying to get at least one episode published per week. With that in mind I was hoping to hit 100 episodes right around the two year mark, if not before. But, things don't always go as planned, and two years and five months later we come to 100.   I set out doing this podcast, not really knowing what I was doing, or where I was going to go with it. And it probably took me a good 55 episodes or so before I began to even feel like I was finding my voice.   So in this episode I talk about that journey we all take where we are trying to listen closely to what our next steps our. The Latin word for vocation literally means voice. That is, there is a voice that calls us, guides us, directs us..it speaks deeply to us and compels us towards our vocation, whether it be professionally, or a service, or a hobby. But it can be hard sometimes to hear that voice, and we often find ourselves waiting around, fearful to take the next steps unless they are clearly laid out for us. But what I am finding is that the most valuable things in life are rarely clearly laid out for us. Instead, we often take a step because we feel called to do so, and we wait to we are called to take the next step. It's that little (or maybe sometimes booming voice) that speaks to us and leads us, if we listen.   In this episode I explore some ways to listen more carefully to this vocation...this voice in our lives: I discuss in this episode the role of journaling and reflecting upon the journaling as a tool to better listen for vocation. I discuss in this episode the role of inviting others in and asking them to help give you feedback towards vocation. I discuss in this episode the role of experimenting, and just taking next steps that are unknown. And last, I discuss in this episode the role of silence as a way to create space to listen for vocation.   Resources Mentioned in Episode Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer

Sometimes I have thoughts that I have been processing and I just want to explore out loud with others. In this case, the others is you. So in this episode I explore what it looks like to wrestle with taking the next step in your life, and how you discern what the next step is. Though this could be the case for many things, I mainly look at the next step in terms of work, vocation, hobby, etc, rather than relationships for example.   In my counseling practice in Plano, TX I work with a lot of individuals and couples and families who are trying to do this very thing...explore their next steps. So in this episode I lay out a tentative, in the process...working framework of: exploration/experimenting committing and refining doing the work/putting in the hours/mastering the craft letting go and being open Check out this episode and let me know what you think.

A couple of weeks ago, my colleagues and I at Thriiive Practices did a lecture for the Meadow's lecture series on emotional regulation.   What is emotional regulation? It's essentially one's ability to control or manage their automatic, reactive responses to an emotional trigger, and instead, respond accordingly (and in a healthy manner). That is my definition of sorts, though I say it a lot of different ways. My mentor Terry Hargrave in my training for Restoration Therapy said at one point to our training group, "emotional regulation is the name of the game." And it is. As you look at the mounting research on the brain, especially through fMRI scans and other data, we find that one's ability to emotionally regulate themselves is the key to healthy relationships. If you want a more thorough definition, read this.   Or if you want a really good, but simple understanding of it, check out Dan Siegel's demonstration of his strategy of name it to tame it. I've also written about this strategy here.   In this episode I talk about what emotional regulation is and why it's so important. Resources Mentioned in Episode Terry Hargrave Restoration Therapy Dan Siegel Tina Payne Bryson The Whole Brain Child

I read a lot of books, but I don't consider myself the best book reviewer. Even though I read with pen in hand and underline and take notes throughout my books, I'm not great at writing about the details. But what sticks out to me are those big ideas in a book...the ones that you can't stop thinking about. The ones that cause paradigm shifts within. Those I obsessively think about, and figure out ways to practice them in my own personal life, and in the work of my clients in my therapy practice.   Over the last two years, four books have stood out in my mind like no other because of some lasting ideas that have created big change for me. Some of these books are fairly new (like this year) and others are a few years old. But their thoughts are ones that I have been writing and speaking about a lot the last 18 months. And I have found ways to implement the ideas into multiple areas of my life (parenting, marriage, running, therapy practice, etc.).   So I want to mention these 4 books to you and the big ideas that are sticking in my brain and impacting my life. And then I will also mention two other books that have stuck with me, but if you have to read only 4...then I'm sticking with the original four I'm discussing.   Book 1: Grit: The Power and Passion of Perseverance by Angela Duckworth --This book was absolutely amazing. But there is one thing I keep coming back to time and time again. In the book Duckworth talks about the importance of deliberate practice and flow. The takeaway for me is that we can never reach a flow state, or become great at what we do unless we deliberately practice over and over and over again. This has absolutely changed how I work with clients. Even though I always gave them things to practice, I'm now convinced more than ever that change doesn't occur without this practice. Michael Jordan doesn't reach that flow state in a playoff game unless he deliberately practied 10,000's of hours. Michael Phelps never reaches that flow state unless he swam lap after lap after lap, and visualized himself swimming every stroke of a race before racing. Couples don't change negative patterns of behavior (pain cycle) and create new ones (peace cycle) without deliberate practice. But when they do, the flow is beautiful to watch in a relationship. She writes, "First, deliberate practice is a behavior, and flow is an experience."   Book 2: Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown --This book was also amazing. I had already been listening to The Minimalists podcast and been exploring this idea. I have always been attracted to minimalism and it's aesthetic, but he takes the understanding of essentialism and brings it into real practical, real world examples that I could employ. A lot of things stood out to me, but I loved this quote, "Remember that if you don't prioritize your life someone else will.” I started realizing that if I didn't take control of my life and prioritize what was important, I would never accomplish the big goals in my life. And prioritizing helped me really come back to the essentials and what I wanted to do in my marriage, parenting and work.   Book 3: Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport --I only read this book back in March or so, but it has already changed a lot of how I work and how I think about work. His recommended experiments with social media abstinence already produced higher levels of focus and output in my life, and it has helped increase my enjoyment in life and my connection with other people. Newport makes a compelling case for the future of work will be dependent on those who are able to stay focused, cut out distractions and work at a very deep level. Those who can't do this will find it ever increasingly hard to find work. He writes, “If you don’t produce, you won’t thrive—no matter how skilled or talented you are.” Newport also gets a lot into the brain science behind distraction and deep work, and it resonates deeply with the work I do with Restoration Therapy. This is just one of those books you read and you keep saying "wow....wow", and it lead to a a lot of conviction that created healthy change.   Book 4: Peak Performance: Elevate Your Game, Avoid Burnout, and Thrive with the New Science of Success by Brad Stulberg and Steve Magness --I just finished this book in June while on vacation. What I loved about this book the most is that I felt it was a culmination of the three books above, but they take it a step further. They get into the importance of deliberate practice and flow, and they talk about why it's important to become an essentialist, and they talk about the brain science...but then they put it all into a real practical framework that you can start practicing yourself. Their chapter and tool to help you develop a personal purpose statement is worth the book alone. This book just brought everything home to me in a very powerful way. I highly recommend this book. The corresponding themes that these books contain, and what resonates so powerfully for me in my own life and my therapeutic work is this: they all get the importance of the newest brain science and how emotional regulation is everything. In my work, a client or couple who can't emotionally self-regulate won't be able to create change. they all get the importance of essentialism, and minimalizing your life in order to really focus on what is important. they all get the importance of working at a deep level, void of distraction. they all get the importance of deliberate practice and how that leads to flow. they all get the importance of purpose. And all these things are crucial in counseling and therapy, and in creating change and getting to transformation.     I talk about two other books in this podcast episode as well, but I don't write about above are:   The Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family: A Leadership Fable? About Restoring Sanity to the Most Important Organization in Your Life by Patrick Lencioni. I read this book back in 2010 and have written and talked about it extensively, and even recorded a podcast episode on it last year. I love the book, but I feel that the purpose stuff in Peak Performance is easier for people to complete than in this book. But I love this book and highly recommend.     Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why? by Laurence Gonzalez. This is a great book filled with stories of survival and tragedy. Gonzalez dives in real deep to how our brain works in survival/panic/conflict situations, and why the ability to remain calm (emotionally regulate) means everything often to who survives. This book just reiterated even more the work of emotional self-regulation in therapy work, but is attached in the context of wilderness stories. It's a great read.

One of the things that I hear as a counselor a lot, typically near the end of an intake session with a client, is the question, "How is this going to look?" The question can be asked in a variety of ways, but what is implicit is usually either some form of anxiety over the next steps, or just a general curiosity about what people are signing up for when they enter into counseling.   Counseling can vary greatly from counselor to counselor, and with that, there can be a variety of varied expectations then that people going through counseling have. Some people have been to a lot of counseling and all their experiences are different, while some people have still not been to counseling, and wonder what that experience will look like.   Something I have tried to do a lot more in the last 4-5 years of my private practice is properly set expectations with clients when they come into see me for the first time. Whether they ask the question first, or I initiate the conversation, I usually try to walk clients through a general "roadmap" or "pathway" of what counseling might look like. I let them know that things can always change, and this is only a first session, but here is what I think will work best based on what you are telling me, the goals you have, and the experience that I bring to our sessions. I also always follow up with every client via email after the first session (usually within a few hours, but rarely longer than 24 hours later). In that email I talk about our first session, what I heard, the goals that I think they have, the issues we could explore together. And in that email I lay out a big overview of the counseling process, listing the significant pieces, as well as narrowing down on the next steps. And I usually always attach some type of "hoomework" in that initial email so that client's can begin engaging in the process.   Based on all my experience as a therapist both pastorally and clinically, as well as my experience in training and sitting across from a therapist in my own counseling, here is what I find to be most helpful in terms of a "roadmap" for counseling. Now of course, I hope to continue to grow and learn as a therapist, so these thoughts are only a point in time, but I think most of the framework will always exist for me, with tweaks along the way.   First, I think it's important that the therapist helps the client engage in some type of work in and out of session that involves the work of insight, which is simply, the capacity to gain an accurate and deep intuitive understanding of a person or thing. This type of work can be done in a lot of ways, but for me it usually involves work around one's family of origin issues (i.e. family genogram, etc.), as well as walking through someone's personal stories and experience.   Second, I do the work of helping a person take that insight, and I help them identify and create their Pain Cycle. This Pain Cycle is often referred to by other names, but in the work I do with Restoration Therapy, that is what it is called. It's essentially the process of helping one identify their negative pattern of behavior by helping them locate their core feelings and the coping behaviors that flow from them. This is often us in our most primal, reactive state. When you think of fight or flight, and the amygdala getting triggered, this is the pattern that comes up. Though not all of our reactive states are negative, a lot of them are in relational conflict, which is what I work a lot with both in my work with individuals and couples. If I frame it from a faith perspective, this is the old self at work that Paul refers to in Ephesians 4:22.   Third, I do the work of helping a person take their insight, and I help them identify and create their Peace Cycle. The Peace Cycle is also referred to by other names in other theories, but in Restoration Therapy this is what we refer to it as. The Peace Cycle is ourselves when we are emotionally regulated. Think about what you are like when you are living in your truth, or think of yourself in a centered and grounded state. When you are in this place, what actions flow from that. This is you in your Peace Cycle. Again, if I frame this in a faith perspective, this is the new self at work that Paul refers to in Ephesians 4:23. The Pain and Peace Cycle is part of the work of insight, and the Peace Cycle is the step that helps up a person move from emotional dysregulation to emotional regulation.   Fourth, as we are doing the work of insight and the Pain and Peace Cycle (because though I'm laying things out in a linear fashion...therapy, or growth itself is not always linear. I find that all these steps are engaged consecutively in the therapeutic process), I help clients find ways to practice the insight that they have. What I believe is that you can have all the insight in the world, but if you don't practice it in some way, you don't change. You don't get transformation. In the Restoration Therapy model I use the 4 steps to help clients practice: 1) Say what you feel; 2) Say what you normally do; 3) Say your truth; 4) Say what you will do differently (your action) and do it. This is one way that I help clients practice. I literally map out their Pain and Peace Cycle on my whiteboard in almost every session to some degree. I also draw up their cycles and steps on a large poster sheet that I ask them to take home and hang up in their closet so that they see it everyday and start to not only become more aware of it, but practice it. There are lots of other ways to have people practice insight from a variety of tools to experimental exercises. Regardless of what tools I give them to practice, I believe practice is essential.   Fifth, we come to transformation. I believe transformation is the culmination of taking one's insight and putting it into practice. And though we could think of transformation as the ultimate goal, it's really just the beginning. Once someone experiences transformation in one area of their life, then they often become excited to seek transformation in other areas of their life as well. So if there is a visual roadmap I give to clients and that I work from...in short it is something like this.   Insight + Pain Cycle + Peace Cycle + Practice = Transformation.   There are lot of details and nuances in these steps, but this is what I have found to be most helpful. So if you come work with me in my private practice in Plano, Texas, you will most likely hear me talk about something like this.   Whether you come in for marriage counseling or individual counseling around anxiety and depression, I will probably lay out some roadmap for you that looks like this.   Check out this podcast to find out more about this process. In this episode I discuss: the importance of a therapeutic roadmap the work of insight in therapy the Pain Cycle work in therapy the Peace Cycle work in therapy the work of practice in therapy transformation in therapy   Resources Mentioned in this Episode Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Terry Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth