Parent With a Pro

Things are changing for 2019.  I think the changes will be great.  Listen to hear why we aren't doing the podcast this year and what we're doing instead.

In our last episode, we talked about coaching our kids through their big emotions. We also talked about how important it is to give our kids tools they can use to calm their own emotions instead of us trying to do that for them as parents. Therapist Jeff Tesch, LMFT has made that simple by creating a tool called "The Big 5". This is something like an emergency kit for when your kids are experiencing big emotions. This simple emotional tool kit will help them calm down from any big emotion. Bonus: it works for grown-ups, too! Listen here or on your favorite podcast app.

One of the struggles of parenting a strong-willed child is navigating their HUGE emotions all of the time!  Strong-willed kids seem to feel all that they feel in such extremes!  Their either extremely happy and sweet or extremely angry and upset. What is a parent to do? Jeff Tesch, LMFT teaches us exactly what a parent should do based off of decades of research by John Gottman.  Learn the ins and outs of emotional coaching in today's episode.  You'll be so glad you did! Listen here.  

One of the things that can be most challenging about parenting a strong-willed child, is dealing with the way they treat you.  Strong-willed kids tend to be sassier, use more back talk, yell more frequently, and say unkind things than other kids.  Our strong-willed kids don't do this because they're mean, they do it out of an effort to get what they want.  But understanding that doesn't make it any easier to deal with it day in and day out. Today, we're going to give you a tool that will help your kids learn to treat you with more kindness and respect. What's great about this tool is that it can be used in ALL of your human relationships not just in your parent-child relationship. Happy Learning!  

How do you truly feel about raising a strong-willed child?  Do you love it? Or do you find it incredibly frustrating?  Do you feel disappointed that you got a child that is SO different than the one you were hoping for?  Do you find yourself feeling like you're THAT parent, the one with the screaming child?  The one getting called by the school?  The one whose kid is picking on someone else and you just wish things were different? If so, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Last episode, we talked about thinking positive thoughts about your strong-willed child.  But what if you can't see anything positive?  What if they're behavior has gotten you into a trap of seeing only negative in them? That's what this episode is all about.  Parents and experts, Jeff and Laura Tesch, talk to us about how to change how we genuinely feel about raising a strong-willed child.  This episode was seriously so good for me and has helped me celebrate my strong-willed child instead of wish that I had an easy-going child.  I hope it helps you as well! Listen here.  Podcast summary coming soon.

I have not wanted to admit it, but I have developed the habit of thinking REALLY negative thoughts about my strong-willed child.  It happened over time.  With each melt-down, back-talk, tantrum, act of defiance, act of aggression, etc. I thought more and more negative things.  Eventually, I found that I really struggled to think anything positive about my strong-willed child and that broke my heart. This led me to meeting with Janet Cazier, LCSW who helps parents get into a more positive place when parenting a challenging child.  Today we talk about a powerful way to see the good in your child again and genuinely enjoy parenting them more.  I don't hesitate in saying that if you practice what she teaches, it will positively change your parenting experience big time. Please listen if you feel stuck in negative thoughts about your child at all and be sure to listen to the next episode as we will dive into this topic even more. Listen here.  Podcast summary coming soon.

In our last episode, we talked about some ways our strong-willed kids struggle socially and how to help them through that.  Today we continue the conversation to learn how to help them even more. Thanks again to one of our experts, Mike Fitch, CMHC  who specializes in helping kids develop social skills that will set them up for success. Listen here.  Podcast summary coming soon.  

As parents, we all want our kids to succeed socially.  We want our kids to make good friends, keep good friends, and to be a good friend themselves.  We even want these things for our strong-willed kids.  However, strong-willed kids seem to struggle to get along with others, which can be so hard on you AND your child. Luckily, one of our experts, Mike Fitch, CMHC specializes in helping kids develop social skills that will set them up for success.  In this episode, you are going to learn specific social challenges that strong-willed kids have and how to work around those challenges.  Make sure to check out part two coming two weeks! Listen here.  Podcast summary coming soon.

I don't know how many of you have had an experience where your strong-willed child has struggled socially, at school, or just with other people in general. Many people in our Facebook group, have said that they've been sad to see how their kids struggle with friends or in different social settings.  That can be really hard for us as parents because we want our kids to have a happy life. So we're going to talk this month about some of those different interpersonal struggles that are strong- willed kids might have and how to set them up for success. Our strong-willed kids may not be aware of how their personality affects others.  This is true for all of us.  It’s amazing that even though you’re in your own body and in your own mind, you still can’t see things clearly. Our kiddos need our help to understand how their natural strengths and weaknesses can help or hurt in their relationships with others. Here’s six ways you can help them better understand: Listen here. Blog post version coming soon.

Listen here or READ the post below. One of the characteristics that we see in a lot of strong-willed kids is a tendency to be negative.  This can be hard for us to listen to as parents and we worry as parents because we know that positive thoughts lead to a positive life.  However, many of us wonder how to help a child who seems naturally negative to become more positive.  We may even wonder if it’s possible! The good news is that research shows that individuals can actually train their brain to be more positive.  You can literally rewire the brain to be happy.  We're here today with clinical mental health counselor, Mike Fitch, to learn how to train our brain to see the positive. Mike Fitch, CMHC Positivity, Negativity, and the Brain Retraining or rewiring the brain to be more positive comes down to something called conditioning.  Most people have heard of conditioning before, but I want to give a little refresher on what it is. Conditioning is when we train the brain to behave a certain way by consistently repeating the same actions.  A psychologist, Ivon Pavlov was the one to discover that conditioning was possible.  Pavlov set up an experiment where he would ring a bell every time he would feed his dogs.  He did this repeatedly and consistently, until his dogs were so conditioned to food accompanying a bell that they would salivate as soon as they heard the bell. Humans, while being an advanced species, are animals too and can be conditioned just like dogs. We don't call it conditioning, we more often call it habit forming.  Believe it or not, if you or your child are negative thinkers, you have simply formed the habit of negative thinking.  That can change by you conditioning your brain to see the positive in life enough times that positive thinking becomes your new habitual thinking. I should say that I'm sure genetics have something to do with your thinking as well.  For example, if you have depression it can be a lot harder to be positive.  However, research shows that the most effective treatment for depression is to make positive thinking your habitual thinking. **In some cases of severe mental health disorders, the brain does not have the capacity to rewire to the extent that we would like it to.  If your child has a more severe mental health disorder, we recommend meeting with competent professionals for help** Balancing Positivity and Negativity I used to think that it wasn’t good for my kids to hear me be negative or vent about things.  I have since come to realize that negative experiences and feelings are a normal part of life.  Our kids will watch us to see how we handle these normal experiences and feelings. With that in mind, I feel that it’s OK for us to vent, to allow our kids to vent, to get those negative feelings out, and then to balance the negativity of that out with positivity.  Vent, then move on.  Give your kids opportunities to vent, then encourage them to move on. Dwelling in the negative will create negative thinking habits.  Venting then moving on to positivity will not. But how do you help a naturally negative child to move on to positive thinking?  Here’s my top tips to get you started. Tip #1 Point Out the “Positive Opposite” This is the first technique I recommend parents use when they are trying to help their kids become more positive.  I recommend doing this without your child knowing that you’re doing it, because strong-willed kids will resist thinking more positively if they know you’re trying to make them do it. In a nut shell, pointing out the positive opposite means that you are going to ignore all of their negativity and instead, give a lot of positive response to their positivity.  You’re going to teach their brain that being negative doesn’t get attention and being positive does! How do you do this? Acknowledge what is the behavior that you're trying to change in your child.  Do they show negativity through whining, pouting,

Listen here or READ the post below. One of the biggest roles that we have as a parent is being aware of our child's strengths and their weaknesses, then trying minimize the negative effects of the weaknesses and bringing out and channel their strengths. One of the weaknesses that our strong-willed kids has is being IMPULSIVE.  Strong-willed kids want what they want, right when they want it. Today we get to talk to Clinical Mental Health Counselor, Mike Fitch to learn how to help our kids THINK before they ACT. Mike Fitch, CMHC I deal with impulsive kids both in my clinical work and at home. It's good to have the personal experience so I can empathize with a lot of the parents that I work with. Just like all of you and the parents I work with, there are times I really want to pull my own hair out and times where I question my own parenting. If I haven't screwed my kids up so far, there's a good chance you won't either. Expect the process to take time Each of us have characteristics or features that we were born with that are still a challenge for us in adulthood. So is it appropriate to expect our child to all of a sudden be perfect or is it appropriate to expect that this could take a lifetime for them to get weaknesses, to become strengths? Changing your nature can take a lifetime. Some kids will catch onto things quicker than others. There are two categories of kids that are impulsive Category #1 The “Impulsive Brain” There are kids with attention deficit disorder that are naturally impulsive. These are the kids that have lower dopamine levels and so the brain's always seeking for stimulus to raise their dopamine. Their brains are literally going so fast that it’s really challenging for them to THINK before they ACT. From my experience, and I know this is going to be a stereotype, these are fairly kindhearted kids. They're not doing the thing stop, think, act. They just acting on, “Hey, that looks neat. I think that would raise my dopamine levels.” If you feel like you have a child that fits into this category, I would recommend checking out the book The Gift of ADHD. Category #2 The “Entitled and Willful Child” These kids tend to be impulsive because they feel entitled to have whatever they want or they are just so willful about what they want.  They also struggle to connect the dots between their actions and consequences. The have a hard time comprehending consequential thinking. These kids also want to do things their way, to feel in control of their lives.  EVERY child goes through a stage of development where they are very egocentric.  Meaning, that they think about themselves and want things to revolve around them.  Strong-willed kids experience this phase with more intensity than other kids and will take more time to see outside of themselves. Kids that fall into Category One would see a cookie and grab it before thinking about anything.  Whereas, a child from Category Two would see a cookie and think “I want that cookie. I deserve to have the cookie more than anybody else and therefore that cookie as mine.” Neither of these categories of kids are bad I think these each of these children that are born this way.  They’re not trying to be bad. They just have a different type of brain.  It’s also important to remember that throughout the history of evolution, all these types of brains serve a purpose. The kids that are more willful, are often the ones who become the leaders and the trendsetters. So there's a purpose to your child’s personality.  It doesn’t make parenting them easy, but can help us stay positive when things are tough. How to help kids think BEFORE they act It’s important to break this down by category because kids in Category One need to be handled VERY differently than kids in Category Two. Category One To help these kids think before they act, you are going to use something called “conditioning”.  Conditioning is where you practice the desired beh...

Listen here or READ the post below. If you have listened to August at all, you know that we're talking about the tough temperament of the strong willed child. Things that are just part of their personality that drive us nuts as parents. You need to listen or read our first interview from this month because we talk about some things that are critical to know about your strong-willed child’s personality. But we wanted to spend the rest of the month talking about some specific temperament issues that are frustrating and give you some tips on how to navigate those. One of the biggest concerns that we hear from parents is that their child is oppositional. That everything is a fight.  They are oppositional from sunrise to sunset. Whether parents are trying to get them to eat breakfast, get dressed, get in the car, do a chore, or do their homework, their child just feels the need to put up a fight.  This process can be so exhausted for a parent and create real tension in the parent-child relationship. Luckily, marriage and family therapist, Jeff Tesch is going to teach us five ways we can decrease opposition in our strong-willed kids. Jeff Tesch, LMFT We have a few kids of our own that like to be oppositional and it does seem like they’re doing it intentionally.  But if you read last week’s post, you’ll remember that being oppositional is just how a strong-willed child’s brain is wired. Knowing that can help us be more patient with them and not resent them so much.  It can also help us be motivated to learn how to work around that natural wiring. Here are five things I suggest to my clients whose children are more oppositional by nature. Tip #1 Give your child choices We can really avoid a lot of power struggles, even with kids that aren't strong willed, by giving them choices.  It's healthy for kids to have appropriate choice and teaches them how to make choices for themselves. Giving choices also helps a child feel control in their own life and so much of the opposition that we face as parents is simply our child fighting for control.  So the more places you can give your child control, the better. Giving your child choice and control doesn’t mean that you don’t enforce your boundaries.  Rather, it means you give your child choices that are still within your boundaries. For example: If it's bedtime, you would state the expectation, then give two choices that you are comfortable with. “Hey Sally, it’s bedtime.  Would you like to put your pajamas on first or get your teeth brushed first?  Which works better for you?” Choices help them feel some control and they're less likely to resist. Now this is a technique that we've used in our own home and we've seen it help in a lot of situations, yet not help in others.  Keep reading the other tips to see if they might help in those situations. Tip #2 Be flexible as a parent I have some parents in my office who have become oppositional in response to their oppositional child.  Parents who have had so many power struggles with their kids, that they aren’t willing to be flexible with their kids any more.  These parents aren’t bad, they're just tired and need to be reminded that there are things that they can be flexible with. I want to be clear, that family rules and boundaries are not flexible.  However, are there some things that your child wants control over that really would be OK for them to have control over? My kids wanted to choose what time during the day they did their homework.  Initially, I wanted to tell them what time to do it, but decided that our boundary would just be what time it needed to be finished by.  I told them that boundary and now they have the freedom to choose any time before that boundary to finish their homework.  Flexibility on our part has avoided a lot of opposition. Choosing your battles with a strong-willed child is a wise thing to do.  Think about which battles you could drop and which boundaries you wan...

Listen here or READ the post below. We are in August if you can believe it. The topic for this month is the strong willed child's temperament, their natural personality that they're born with.  We want to help you understand it better, have some compassion for where they're coming from, get to know some specific characteristics in their temperament that can be challenging and some parenting tips on how to navigate those specific characteristics. Marriage and family therapist, Jeff Tesch is going to help us understand our strong-willed child’s personality a little better today. Jeff Tesch LMFT, MS Common Characteristics of the Strong-willed Child’s Personality Most parents are WELL aware of their strong-willed child’s characteristics, but I think it’s worth mentioning again briefly. Strong-willed kids are usually: Less flexible Defiant Oppositional Emotionally reactive Want what they want, when they want it Want to be in charge Resistant to the desires of others Don’t like being told “No” Harder to discipline Slower to respond to efforts to improve their behavior But also: Not push-overs Goal-oriented High-achievers Speak their mind Great leaders Good negotiators Your Child Didn’t CHOOSE to Be Strong-Willed Some elements of personality are present from birth.  Each of us have characteristics that we were born with that we may or may not like.  The same is true of our strong-willed kids.  Many of them have been strong-willed since they were babies. In fact, therapists will often ask parents who seek help, what their child was like as a baby.  We do that because we can quickly start to learn if the child has always been strong-willed or if they’ve just learned that behavior over time. If they were a very calm, quiet baby and are out of control behavior now, a therapist is more likely to conclude that the behavior is learned.  But if the parents say their child was tough from the get-go, we know we’re dealing more with a tough personality. It’s also important to know that personality is pretty consistent through the lifespan. The personality characteristics that you see in your child are probably going to be part of their personality throughout their whole life.  Don’t get discouraged though, because even strong-willed kids can learn to function incredibly well with consistent teaching. It's also important to know that your strong-willed child isn't being strong-willed to make your life miserable.  I know that parents can feel like their strong-willed child’s behavior is intentional.  I know because I have been there.  I have a couple of strong-willed kids of my own that are very challenging.  However, I think it’s important to remember that their behavior is generally not thought through.  Rather, it is truly just their brain functioning, their personality.  Remembering that helps me feel more patient and loving even during challenging times. Being Strong-Willed Is Not Only Tough on Parents, It Can Also Be Tough on Strong-willed Kids I’ve seen so many kids in my office that struggle themselves with being strong-willed.  They can’t understand why it’s easy for others to comply, but not for them. They can’t understand why others easily make friends, get along with teachers, feel liked by their parents, but they don't. Through the stress of all this, they can start to think the THEY are a problem, that THEY are not good.  I’ve seen strong-willed kids struggle with depression because of the shame they feel from being different than others around them.  Once a child starts to feel this way, they usually start to behave even worse! Strong-willed kids can struggle not only at home, but in other settings as well.  They may find a classroom setting to be challenging, social setting, etc.  People in all those settings can decide that your strong-willed child is bad and start to treat them that way. As parents,

Listen here or READ the post below. Last week we learned that strong-willed kids are more likely to struggle with addiction than other children. This is a HUGE concern to many parents. If it's a concern to you, then you don't want to miss today's interview with Mike Fitch, CMHC. We talk about ways you can help prevent addictions, warning signs of addiction, and some things you can do as a parent if you think your child is struggling with an addiction. Mike Fitch, CMHC Here's a quick recap from last week: Strong-willed children are more likely to struggle with addictions than other children. The three most common addictions for kids are: Electronics Pornography Junk food Kids get addicted to these things easily because they release "feel good" hormones in the brain Now let's talk about prevention, warning signs, and early intervention for each of the three most common addictions. Unhealthy Food Prevention: First, limit the amount of unhealthy foods you keep in the home.  I don't think that you need to get rid of ALL the unhealthy foods that you have.  In fact, I see that kids who grow up in homes where they're allowed to have treats, go crazy and eat lots of junk when their parents aren't around.  Kids tend to do better if they have junk food occasionally with their families. Second, meet with your family to create healthy boundaries around food together.  Let them know what you learned from last week, why we turn to unhealthy foods and how addictive they can be.  Also review what a balanced diet looks like, then ask them to help  create your family's rules around food.  Doing this as a family will help your kids be more committed to the plan. After you have set the limits, be consistent in enforcing those limits.  Of course there will be special occasions where you will need to flexible about the rules, but on regular days, enforce the boundaries.  This is easier to do if you don't have much junk food available at your home. Third, make sure your kids get ENOUGH food.  Kids will be less likely to eat junk food if they are full of healthy food. When they are hungry their blood sugar drops and they want something to raise their sugar fast.  If you're feeling like you child won't eat any healthy food, go here to learn what tips our therapists have for getting picky eaters to eat healthy foods. Here's a couple of quick bonus ideas: Get individually packaged junk food.  It costs a little more, but it limits how much you child can eat.  A small bag of cookies that's gone when it's gone is easier to manage than a huge box of cookies. Consider doing online shopping for food, then pick up at the store.  Marketers know how to get you to buy junk food.  The less time you spend in the grocery store, the less likely you are to buy the junk. Electronics According to Common Sense Media, 59 percent of parents say their kids are “addicted” to their screens, while 66 percent say their kids spend too much time on screens. https://www.nbcnews.com/video/study-no-more-than-an-hour-a-day-of-screen-time-for-children-under-five-791230531903 Prevention: Set boundaries around the amount of screen time kids are allowed to have each day.  Remember that screen time releases the hormone, dopamine, in unnaturally high amounts.  Dopamine release from TV and video games is extremely addictive.  If you limit the amount of screen time, you limit the amount of dopamine exposure. Here are the most up-to-date recommendations for amounts of time: Under age eighteen months-no screens unless "face-timing" with someone Toddler through Tween-One hour daily Teen-Two hours daily These recommended times include ANY screens.  If your child is doing any TV or gaming on any device, that counts as screen time. Now, I know there are times that you need to give your kids a little extra screen time.  If you're sick, your child is sick, or your on a long road trip,

Listen here or READ the post below. When I’m not at home or being a parent, I get to be a dental hygienist.  To keep my license current I have to take a certain amount of health science classes each year.  In one class that I took on the brain and addiction, I learned that strong-willed kids are far more likely struggle with addiction. As a parent of a strong-willed child and aunt to many more, I was really concerned. So today and next week, we’re going to learn more about addiction and why our strong-willed kids struggle with it more. Here's my interview with Mike Fitch, CMHC about addictions. Mike Fitch CMHC A lot of my clients struggle with addiction.  It is just becoming so common. We are constantly surrounded by things that we can get addicted to.  We’re not just talking drugs today but also food, porn, and electronics. What’s saddest to me is how often people are very innocently exposed to addiction and get trapped. In fact, a recent study stated that kids will be exposed to porn by age 8-10 and struggle with a full-blown porn addiction by age twelve! We want our kids to be happy, healthy adults and it’s SO MUCH Harder to be happy and healthy when you’re constantly thinking about your next “fix”. This post will cover what an addiction is, what’s happening in the brain, and why strong-willed kids are more likely to struggle with addiction.  Next week we’ll talk about prevention, early warning signs, and treatment. The BRAIN Why we get addicted to things. Addiction has so much to do with our ancestors. Millenia ago, our ancestors were only able to survive if they were able to eat, explore, avoid predators, and procreate. To aid our ancestors, the brain developed three hormones that in appropriate amounts help us feel good, but in high amounts, can become highly addictive.  Those three hormones are: Adrenaline-the fight or flight hormone. Gets your heart rate higher when faced with a dangerous situation. Dopamine-the feel good hormone released when eating high calorie foods or during sex. Endorphins-the pain reliever released when injured or on long distant runs. In our ancestors time, these hormones were needed almost daily in order for an individual to survive. Now, our survival isn’t so complicated and these hormones are too easy to release and too easy to become addicted to.   Are these hormones bad? It's good to feel each of these hormones to some level, when it encourages healthy activity.  The problem that we run into is that we’ve found ways to release these hormones in unnaturally high amounts. Easily.  With the easy access, we keep crave more and more of these hormones. What causes us to  want a release of these hormones? There are some uncomfortable emotions that we seek to reduce the pain of emotions by finding something that will release a high amount of adrenaline, endorphins, or dopamine. What emotions make turn to addictions? We use an acronym to remember the emotion that cause people to turn to addictions to feel good. The acronym is BLAST Blast stands for: Bored Lonely Angry Stressed Tired Each of these emotions are so uncomfortable to our brains, that our brain starts telling us to seek out a hormone to alleviate the discomfort. That’s why you start looking in your pantry for a high-calorie food when you’re stressed or bored.  Your brain is begging you to find relief from that uncomfortable emotion. It’s important to find healthy ways to release the hormones in our brain, but it’s quicker to relieve a BLAST emotion with food, sex, electronics, etc. New neural pathways Everyone’s brain is made up of millions of little pathways for information to travel on.  These pathways are called neural pathways. What many people don’t realize is that addiction lays down new neural pathways that support addiction rather than supporting health.  The new neural pathways send information that you are “starving” for more ...

Listen here or READ the post below.   There are a lot of different parenting beliefs out there.  Some that help us and some that don't.  Today we're going to learn about 3 parenting myths therapists wish we didn't buy into. Janet Cazier, LCSW Myth #1 Parents are 100% Responsible for Their Children One myth I see parents getting sucked into is that they are 100% responsible for their kids success in ALL of the following areas:Y Mental health Physical health Emotional health Scholastic success Social success Choices Etc. This is so easy to do, because when a child is born, you are responsible for SO MUCH in their life.  It’s your job to try to meet their needs.   However, unless you’ve been taught differently, it’s very easy to continue to feel like your role is to keep meeting all of child's needs. Here’s why this is a problem: Parents that feel responsible for everything in their child’s life, unintentionally become controlling. Often, kids that feel controlled will rebel. If you are trying to be 100% responsible for your child’s life, they will never learn how to be responsible for themselves. Rather, they learn to sit back and let you do all their work, make all their tough decisions, and fix all their problems. Taking full responsibility for everything in your child’s life will wear you out! It takes a lot of effort just to deal with the challenges of your own personal life.  Now imagine being fully responsible for ALL the people in your home!  It’s no wonder some parents are EXHAUSTED. If your child struggles, you may feel like a failure because you feel like you were responsible for their success. What are you responsible for? We don’t want you to read this and think “The therapist told me I am not responsible for my kids, so I’m going to sit back and take a break.”  That is not what we’re saying. Parents have many responsibilities and parenting is one of the most important jobs you'll ever have. Parents are responsible for: Their own personal health and happiness Providing a loving home Providing structure, rules, and boundaries Meeting the basic needs of their children: food, shelter, safety Teaching their children skills that they need to be successful in life Being aware of issues and trying to provide help where needed Teaching their children how to become happy, healthy adults Parents are not responsible for: Their children’s choices Their children’s success Their children’s happiness We want you to avoid the trap of feeling like you are responsible for everything in your child’s life.  We don’t want that for you or for your child. Here’s an example of a parent who is taking too much responsibility. Parent #1 Taking an Unhealthy Amount of Responsibility “Susan” wanted her son to get good grades.  He hadn’t cared about his grades for a long time though.  He would put off doing his homework until last minute or not bother to do it at all.  Susan couldn’t stand the idea of her son getting a bad grade or not graduating from high school, so she’ll did her son’s homework for him. She did this all through high school.  Finally, during her son’s senior year of high school, his teacher’s told him he would not graduate from high school unless he turned in an overdue paper.  The son didn’t care and refused to do it.  Susan wrote the paper so her son could graduate. It is good that Susan wanted her son to do well in school.  But in the end, did Susan’s son get good grades or did just Susan get a good grade.  Did her son learn to work hard or to take responsibility for himself?  Is her son going to be successful in the workplace or in college? Do you feel like you might be taking too much responsibility for your child?  Are you wanting to have your child learn how to be responsible for themselves? We suggest starting by choosing one area of your child’s life that you feel like you’re taking too much...

Listen here or READ the post below.   I don't know how many of us want to be taking full responsibility for our children well into adulthood.  Caring for them while they're young is hard enough.  But did you know that preparing your kids to move out, get jobs, and become independent adults starts when they are little?  Did you also know there are some things we can do as parents to sabotage our children's ability to become capable adults?  Learn which four mistakes you need to avoid if you want your kids to take care of themselves one day. Jeff Tesch, LMFT What does an independent and healthy adult look like? Takes ownership for their life Understands that consequences are a result of their choices.  This understanding leads them to be careful and intentional about their choices so they can have positive consequences instead of negative ones. Gainfully employed Continually seeks to improve themselves Lives on their own Is capable of managing a home, finances, and relationships Takes pride in their work Has the strength to handle the difficulties of adult life What I'm seeing in my office I am seeing more and more clients who desperately want their children to become independent adults, move out, get jobs, contribute to society, and feel pride in their ability to be capable of providing for themselves. Yet, they are frustrated because their children are: Still living at home Not earning an income for themselves Not motivated to pay their own bills, clean their own space, or contribute to the household Afraid of becoming an adult Avoiding the responsibility of caring for themselves Spending all their time and money on recreation Here are some real examples of situations that I see: Example One:A client who has a child in his forties who doesn't have a job so my client pays this child's mortgage, does his grocery shopping, buys his clothing, and does his laundry.  My client is getting ready to retire and is worried that her retirement will not be enough to support her AND her son. Example Two:A client who did her son's homework when he was in high school, pays his speeding tickets, bails him out when he gets in trouble with the law, pays the majority of his bills and cares for many of his needs even though he is into his late twenties.  The client is frustrated that her son isn't more motivated to take responsibility for himself. Example Three:A client whose 25 year old sleeps all day, plays video games all night, emerges from the basement for food from time to time, quits every job he starts, tried college for a semester then quit, and now struggles with severe depression.  This mom wants her child to move forward with life, but doesn't want to make him move out because she's afraid of what will happen to him.  Why this is a concern Kids who do not learn how to be independent adults struggle with their sense of self-worth, do not contribute to society, and become a source of stress for their parents. Very few parents intend for this to happen Many of the parents I see in my office never intended for their children to stay at home forever.  They really do want their kids to be thriving adults.  However, they didn't realize that many of the things they did for their child out of LOVE actually made it more difficult for their child to become an independent adult. THE FOUR PARENTING MISTAKES TO AVOID Mistake #1 Not Teaching Responsibility It is important that kids learn how to be responsible for their: Own choices Relationships Belongings Own happiness Finances And to learn how to work hard. I have found that the best way to help raise responsible adults is to start when they are young by giving them a few responsibilities then gradually adding responsibilities as they age.  Throughout the whole process, you are giving them guidance and teaching them the skills they need to be successful. Hopefully,

Listen here or READ the post below: We are shifting our focus this month from concerns that parents have about their kids to concerns the EXPERTS have about our kids.  For the next five weeks, we are going to let you know what issues the therapists are seeing over and over again in their work.  We are also going to let you know what you need to do to avoid the sad situations they are dealing with.  I can't stress enough how important the information you are going to learn in July is!  Make sure you check out each post/podcast made in this month! For today: We get to discuss how to keep your kids open with you and talking with you about what is going on in their world.  Would you believe that how you LISTEN to your kids can significantly affect their willingness to share what's going on in their lives with you?  Read below the learn the three-letter acronym you must remember to keep your children open with you. Why we want our kids to be open with us Let's first think about WHY we want our kids to be open with us in the first place.  When we understand how important it is to keep the lines of communication open between parent and child, we feel more motivated to do what it takes to keep those lines of communication open.  While there could be hundreds of reasons why, I want to highlight just a few: So we can know what struggles they are facingHow can we really know what struggles our children are dealing with, what's going on in the heart and head, if they don't feel like they can talk to us?  So much of their day is spent away from us, and the only way we can get a glimpse of what their life is like is if they tell us.We want them to be open with us so we know if there are some serious struggles that they are facing, struggles that they need help and guidance to overcome.  In some situations, our kids being open with us could truly be the difference between life and death. So we can stay connected to themCommunication is the key to connection.  When communication breaks down in a relationship, the relationship breaks down as well.  SO much research has been done on how vital good communication is to each relationship.  In fact, if a couple that is struggling to stay together can resolve their communication issues, they can often save the relationship.Why does communication matter  so much?  There is just something that happens when we share our thoughts, worries, joys, and feelings with another. We feel like someone really cares when they listen to us.  Especially if they listen in the right way.The connection that comes from listening well to our kids can help them feel deeply loved by us and the reality is, KIDS BEHAVE BETTER WHEN THEY FEEL CONNECTED TO THEIR PARENTS. Study after study confirms that the kids who behave the best had parents that were:a. Firm about boundaries and rules b. Connected with their kidsListening the way we're going to teach you today can create bonding feelings in both the parent and the child. How to Keep Our Kids Open With Us We wanted a way for parents to easily remember the steps of listening, so we created an acronym to help you out.  The acronym to remember is: R S V That acronym may look familiar to many of you.  It's also the acronym for an upper respiratory virus that can make it hard to breath.  We used this acronym on purpose.  We want your kids to feel safe enough when talking to you that they feel like they can breath.  We know that's cheesy, but sometimes cheesy things are easier to remember. Let's learn more about this acronym. R=Receive The first step to listening well is to simple receive the information that your children are sharing with you.  How many times are you only half listening when your kids are talking to you?  How many times are you thinking about something else while giving a mindless "Uh huh.  Oh that's interesting."  Have you ever done that so much that your kids caught you or you accidentally agreed to let them do something tha...

LISTEN TO THE EPISODE OR READ THE POST BELOW One of the misbehaviors many parents can’t stand, is when their children treat them disrespectfully.  It’s completely appropriate that disrespectful behavior irritates parents and it’s not wrong to want it to stop.  The question is HOW DO WE GET OUR KIDS TO TREAT US RESPECTFULLY? Mike Fitch, CMHC What Parents Need to Know First You do not have to put up with disrespectful behavior.  It is OK to expect those in your life to talk to you kindly and to treat you with respect.  The tough thing is training others how to treat you.  It takes a lot of work, a lot of patience, and choosing to be 100% firm with others about the way they interact with you, but it is possible. If you want to know how, keep reading. Step #1 Get clear with your family about what respect sounds like/looks like/feels like Our kids are not born knowing what the difference between respect and disrespect is.  They need us to teach them and be EXTREMELY clear with them about what respect sounds like/looks like/ feels like, etc.   Find different moments to teach your kids how to speak to/treat you and others.  Use moments when they’ve slipped up to say “That’s a good example of being disrespectful.”  Then find times they’ve done well and say “That’s a great example of being respectful.” Point out respect and disrespect in TV shows, on the radio, in the books you read, when you’re running errands, etc. Do whatever it takes to help your kids develop a clear understanding of the differences between respect and disrespect. Then let your family know that treating each other with respect is what a family does and that disrespectful behaviors will no longer be allowed. Step #2 Come up with a phrase that tells your kids they just treated you disrespectfully and they need to try again This step has two parts: Part 1 If you’ve completed Step #1, your kids now have a clear understanding of how to treat you and each other. It’s good to remember that your kids may be really used to speaking to you in a certain way and they may need some help remembering to treat you kindly.  This next step is to help them develop the new habit of treating you respectfully. Create a phrase that will tell your kids that what they just did/said was disrespectful and they need to try again.   Some examples are: “Try again.” “Rewind” “I’ll listen when you say that kindly” Choose one that is easy for you and will work for your kids.  Then teach your kids this phrase, what it means, and what you expect them to do when you say it. Part 2 After you have taught your child the phrase, use it EVERY time they do something disrespectful.  Then do not engage with the child again until they try again in an appropriate way. Doing this consistently will be the best way for them to learn which behaviors are going to be OK and which aren’t. You may have to prompt them quite a bit at first, but with time, you won’t have to do it very often. Step #3 Teach your children how to express themselves appropriately This step overlaps with Step #1 where you are getting clear with your kids about what behaviors are respectful and which ones aren’t.  But we’re going to dive a little deeper. Expressing negative emotions SOME of the time, kids will say something disrespectful because they are struggling to express feelings of frustration, anger, hurt, or embarrassment in a productive way. So Instead of saying appropriately saying what’s on their minds or their hearts, they’ll yell out things like: “Stop being a jerk!” “You’re being rude right now.” “You’re acting like a brat.” “That person was so mean.” It’s important for your child to learn of to express their feelings, but they are going to need you to teach them how and model this behavior for them.  You can do this by teaching them how to share what’s bothering them instead of saying rude things.

What is it about whining that is so annoying to us as parents?  Is it the high-pitched tones, the sign of ingratitude, the lack of patience?  Whatever it is, we don’t want to hear whining. But is there a way to get our kids to talk to us appropriately and to no longer whine?  That’s what we talk about today with Janet Cazier, LCSW and mom of seven!   Janet Cazier, LCSW It is OK for parents to not allow their kids to whine.  In my experience, parents are too patient with it. Parents allow it to go on longer than it should. Make whining a problem for your child rather than a problem for you This is true of all misbehaviors.  If the parents are the only ones bothered by a misbehavior, they’re also going to be the only ones that want the behavior to stop.  However, if parents can find ways to make misbehavior a problem for the child, all of the sudden, the CHILD is motivated to change. Most often I hear parents respond to whining by saying “Stop it”.  This doesn’t work because that doesn’t really bother the child. It’s making whining a problem for the child.  Instead, it’s still a problem for the parent because the parent is saying “Stop it” over and over again without seeing a change.  This can lead to frustration with the child, yelling at the child, whining back at the child, or resentment towards the child. All of which are undesirable outcomes. However, if you find a way for whining to become unpleasant for your child, the child will stop whining, you will get along better, and there will be more happiness in your home.  Those are all outcomes you do want. I want to point that out, because some parents feel that making misbehavior a problem for their child is “mean” or “harsh”.  I feel the opposite. I feel that letting misbehavior continue and experiencing all the negative emotions that come from that is less healthy for your child than them experiencing an uncomfortable consequence for choosing inappropriate behavior. Some ways you can make whining a problem for your child **Before trying these ideas discuss with your child why whining is not going to be OK any more, teach them appropriate ways to ask for things they want/need, and practice asking appropriately.  We set our kids up for success when we are really clear with them about our expectations. It’s not really fair to start disciplining them for things they didn’t know were wrong.** Idea #1 If your child whines say “I can only hear you when you ask nicely”.  Then stick to that. Idea #2 If you’ve told your child you can only hear them when they ask nicely and they continue to whine, give an extra little consequence.  This could include a time out, some loss of a privilege, some time in their room. YOU choose based off of what works for you and your child.  It just needs to be something big enough to motivate your child to no longer whine. If you want to learn more about selecting an appropriate consequence, go here. Idea #3 If your child whines while you’re out and about, you could stop and get something fun for all the kids that weren’t whining. Idea #4 Again, if your child whines while you’re out of the home, you can send them to the car with another adult. Idea #5 If you can’t do idea #3 or #4, you could let your child whine through your outing, NEVER GIVING IN TO WHAT THEY’RE WHINING FOR, then when you get home say: “Your whining today was really draining for me.  I need you to play on your own for while, I have to go to my room and read my favorite book to get my energy back.” Idea #6 Plan a “learning opportunity”.  I tell my clients that have children with chronic misbehaviors to plan a “learning opportunity” for their child.  Find a time that works for you and some adult support, then plan a to go somewhere or do something the child really loves.  If they use the misbehavior on the way there or while you’re there, send them home with another adult while you stay to enjoy the activity.

Are your kids big stinks in the back seat of your car?  Are they driving you nuts while you're driving them places?  Then you'll want to check out this episode.  Janet Cazier, LMFT and mom of seven gives her top tips for getting your kids to behave well while in the car.  Her tips are seriously awesome!  I feel like I have so many more tools to use now. Happy learning! LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW Janet Cazier, LMFT Sometimes kids can be the biggest stinkers in the car!  They know that you are occupied with driving, you can't reach them, you're limited in what consequences you can give them, and that tempts them to use behaviors that aren't the best. Luckily, I'm going to share some tips with you that will help your kids behave a lot better when you're driving places. The most important things that I want you to get out of this are: Kids CAN learn how to behave in the care You need to be REALLY clear about what behaviors are not tolerated in the care You need to find creative ways to make misbehaving in the car NO FUN for your kids (read on to learn how) You need to be consistent in responding to poor behavior with an appropriate consequence. Let's dive deeper. Tip #1 Get clear with your kids BEFORE you get in the car This step is so critical.  You need to give your kids a fighting chance at behaving well by talking with them about what kinds of behaviors are OK are which aren't.  We're talking so clear you even write it down. I find that this goes better if you find a way to make it fun and allow your kids to give a lot of input.  This helps them see it positively and be more committed to the plan. Here's a fun, collaborative way I teach people: Get out three sheets of paper Label sheet one: "Things we can't do in the car".  I make it fun by calling this "Skunk" behavior (behavior that stinks) Label sheet two: "Things we can do in the car that are fun!" I call this category "Monkey" behavior (because it's silly like monkeys) Label sheet three: "Quiet things we can do in the car".  I call this category "Angel" behavior (because it's quiet and sweet like an angel) Discuss each "category" with your kids and brainstorm ideas for each category on the paper. Next, teach your kids that "Skunk" behavior is NEVER ok and will always get a consequence Then, teach your kids that "Monkey" behavior is often OK but from time to time, you will need "Angel" behavior (times when you need to concentrate or have a headache, etc.) For the next little while, review behaviors in each category so that your kids remember what is expected in the car. Tip #2 Give a consequence when your kids use behavior that's not allowed in the car Having an appropriate consequence for negative behavior is completely healthy and appropriate.  Some parents are afraid to give their children consequences.  There are some consequences that should be avoided, you can learn more about those here.  But consequences are what make misbehavior uncomfortable for children and make them think twice before misbehaving.  We want our kids thinking about their choices! If you are wondering if consequences damage our children, check out this post. I will tell you, this is where you're going to need to be creative.  Giving a consequence at home is so simple, but giving one in the car is tricky.  Here's a list of ideas to try, but remember the key is: Make your child's misbehavior a problem for THEM not for YOU! Idea #1 Pull Over This idea works great if you're not in a rush.  I would suggest even planning on leaving really early for things if you'd like to try this one.  However, I have found it really effective to have a camp chair and a book you love in the back of the car.  Then when kids are using "Skunk" behavior, you can simply pull over, say "Bummer, you are using X behavior and that's just not allowed in my car.  I will get back in when you're done.",

This whole month we get to talk about behaviors that drive us nuts.  It was hard to pick just four. We get to start out with our kids driving us crazy  during the summer. If you’ve ever felt like your kids want you to entertain them all summer, then you’ll want to check out this episode.  Laura Tesch, mom of six and Child & Family studies major, teaches us SIX tips for surviving your child’s summer break! These tips have already helped us a ton at our house. Happy learning! LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW Laura Tesch   I want to make it clear, that a perfect summer isn’t really attainable.  It’s better just to try to find ways to have this summer be better than the last and shoot for the same goal next summer. But keep your expectations at the right level so you’re less likely to be disappointed. Tip #1 Provide some structure Research shows that kids do a lot better in an environment with structure.  Kids need to know what will be happening each day and what times during the day things will be happening. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU NEED TO SCHEDULE EVERY MINUTE OF THE SUMMER. In fact, I suggest not scheduling every minute.  Our kids have a really rigorous schedule during the school year and it’s nice for them to get to slow down during the summer. Rather, I am suggesting that you decide which things need to be done each day and when they need to be done by.   For example: You could have a morning routine. Wake up Eat breakfast Get dressed Get dressed Make bed Do one chore Read for thirty minutes Math for ten minutes Outside/creative time before any electronics You could also have an evening routine. Friends leave by 8:00 pm Shower Read Bedtime You get to decide which structure and routine works best for your kids and family.  I personally like to have the mornings pretty structured and the afternoons pretty flexible.  But you know your family and what will work for them. Just make sure to find some structure for each day.  It will help your kids feel more at ease and behave better. Tip #2 Read, read, read There is SO much research on the positive effects of reading for a child that it MUST be included in each day. Here are some of the positive effects of reading: Reading develops language skills Reading is exercise for your child’s brain Reading enhances your child’s ability to concentrate Reading make your kids thirsty for more knowledge Reading a variety of books can expose your kids to broader horizons Reading develops a child's imagination and creativity Reading helps develop empathy Reading with a child helps create a positive bond Readers perform better in school And so much more! I like to have my kids read for one hour each day.  I don’t mind if they break the reading up into smaller chunks.  I also encourage my older children to read to my younger children. I just think that reading is so beneficial, that we really make it a priority. What about kids who don’t like to read? I have one son that genuinely does not enjoy reading.  He’s tried a lot of different kinds of books, but still hasn’t found anything he enjoys. However, he does enjoy AUDIO BOOKS.  Audio books are my son’s go to. He can listen while he does something with his hands or he can follow along in a printed version of the story.  Either way, he stills gets to enjoy a lot of the benefits of reading without having to do something he really doesn’t like. Tip #3 Create a “Boredom Buster” jar First, research has shown that it is GOOD to be bored.  Boredom allows the brain to relax and is also the catalyst for creativity.  Allow your kids to be bored sometimes, but have a plan in place so that their boredom does not become your problem. I do have to be honest that “I’m bored” is a phrase that really pushes my buttons!  I don’t like my kids to use it and I used to feel like I had to provide constant entert...

Research shows that consistency between parents is critical to parenting success. If parents differ in their parenting approach, they unintentionally undermine each other's good parenting efforts and cause friction in their marriage. That being said, different parenting approaches are an extremely common issue in families. Parents come from different backgrounds, have different personalities, and are even neurologically wired differently from one another. So to help you get on the same page and eliminate disagreements over parenting, we have teamed up with marriage and family therapist, Jeff Tesch, LMFT to create this guide for you. It will walk you through the exact steps Jeff uses with his clients. LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW Jeff Tesch, LMFT Why It's Important for Parents to Be on the Same Page 1. Kids won't develop as well if they're getting mixed messages from their parents 2. It can lead to marital conflict.  Even extreme enough to destroy a marriage The Top 3 Reasons Parents Parent Differently Than One Another Parents grow up differently- You and your spouse/partner grew up in different homes and that has a huge effect on how you parent!  Even if you grew up in similar kinds of homes, there's enough difference from how your parents were vs. how your spouse's parents were that it effects you in your parenting. Different genders are wired to parent differently- In general, females tend to be softer parents and more nurturing, whereas males tend to be firmer.  Males also try to push their children out of their comfort zones and expect progression, while moms tend to want to provide comfort, security, and safety.The natural differences in the wiring between males and females is SO good for our kids.  Dad's natural tendency to be firm and push their kids out of the comfort zone provides structure and progression for their kids.  The mom's natural softness creates a home environment where kids can feel safe and loved.Note: the best kind of parenting is a blend of both the natural tendencies of the male and the female.  BOTH parents need to be firm AND soft.  BOTH parents need to provide safety but push their kids to grow.  Learn from each other's strengths and try to adapt each other's strengths rather than fighting against each other. Warning: Parents can get into a TERRIBLE cycle of trying to compensate for the other's parents weaknesses, becoming more and more extreme everyday. For example: Say your spouse is very firm and strict.  You may try to compensate by being very soft and permissive.  This makes your spouse feel like they have to become even more firm and strict, which make you feel like you need to become more soft and permissive.This creates tension and kids learn how to use this to their advantage. ONCE AGAIN, IT IS BEST IF BOTH PARENTS BECOME A BLEND OF FIRM AND SOFT, STRICT AND LOVING! To learn more about being a balanced parent, a blend of firm and soft, go here. Parents "team up" with one child rather than with their spouse- In some situations, one parent can feel particularly close to one child and "go easy" on them.  This can make the other parent feel like they need to be firmer with that particular child.  It can also make the other parent feel like their spouse's relationship with that one child is more important than the marriage relationship.It is very important to remember that the marriage comes first and that you need to have an equal relationship with each of your children. How to Get Onto the Same Page as Your Partner/Spouse We HIGHLY recommend you download this worksheet to do with your spouse/partner.  It will walk you through each of the steps we're about to teach you. STEP 1: TWEAK HOW YOU APPROACH YOUR PARTNER If you approach your parenting partner saying, "I've got it all figured out. I know how to parent the right way now and I just need to teach you." your partner is very likely going to be resistant.

This month we’ve been talking about how the strong-willed child can affect the relationships in our own home.  One of the relationships that can be affected is the sibling relationship. Today we talk with Child and Family Studies major, Laura Tesch to learn how she helps her six kids develop friendships that will last a lifetime.   LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW   Laura Tesch Why it’s important for siblings to be close   It helps the home feel more peaceful-I think every parent wants their home to be a peaceful and happy place.  If you can help foster close sibling relationships, that will help decrease the tension between your kids.  It is important to remember, that siblings will only get along about 50% of the time. That is normal and healthy. The sibling relationship is one of the longest lasting human relationships each of us will have- Friends will come and go, even cousins will come and go.  One day parents will pass away. But siblings, are there from the minute you are born and throughout most of you life.  Wouldn’t it be great if the people you knew the longest were also close friends? Siblings can offer love and support that kids need- Life can be harsh and very challenging.  We all need people who will believe in us, cheer us on, see the best in us, and support us in hard times.  Siblings can be some of the best people to do this for us.   Tips for fostering positive sibling relationships Tip #1 Talk about your sibling relationships A really great, non-lecturing way to teach your kids about the value of sibling relationships is to talk about how important your sibling relationships are to you.  Some ways you can do this are: Share happy memories you made with your siblings If your sibling called you, tell your child and tell them what that meant to you Schedule times to be with your siblings Let your family know if one of your siblings is struggling and ask them to keep that sibling in their thoughts Show your kids pictures of you and your siblings Call your siblings on their birthdays, have the kids be involved in the phone call Help your siblings when they need help, take the kids along to teach them that family supports each other Attend your siblings events if they participate in any What if you don’t have close sibling relationships? Talk to your children about how sad you are that you don’t have a close friendship with your siblings.  Let them know what it would mean to you to be close to your brothers or sisters. Tip #2 Help your children be aware of each other’s feelings One of the most important roles we have as parents is something called “Emotional Coaching”. Emotional Coaching “Emotional Coaching is a term coined by researcher and marriage therapist Jon Gottman.  His research shows that kids need their parents to teach them how to be aware of their own emotions and the emotions of others. This is done by simply stating what emotions you see your kids experiencing when they are experiencing them. For example: If your child looks sad, say “You are looking sad.” If your child made a mistake and is disappointed, say “You’re disappointed that you made that mistake.” If your child is laughing, say “You thought that was funny.  You look so happy!” This process helps children begin to identify what they are feeling and attach the feeling to a specific emotion. When children become more aware of their own emotions, they can start to learn to manage them and they can become more aware of other’s emotions. The home is the perfect place to practice We want our children to be aware of and sensitive to the feelings of those around them at work, at school, and in relationships.  The perfect place to practice is at home. But they will need your help at first. How to start teaching your child to recognize and be sensitive to their siblings emotions Whenever there is an altercation of some sort bet...

This month we've been talking about our strong-willed kids and how they affect other relationships in the family.  This week we get to talk about something that I feel is really, really important. If you have a strong willed child and other kids that are easier going in your home, you might see that there can be a negative effect on the other kids.  This isn’t because a strong-willed child is bad or they are the root cause of all the problems. But a strong-willed child can be challenging to live with and can take a lot of their parent’s attention. Today we're with clinical mental health counselor, Mike Fitch to talk about some of the big concerns that he is seeing.  Then he's going to guide us through some things we can do to resolve those concerns. If you are looking for some ways to “Childproof Your Marriage” go here.   LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW Mike Fitch, CMHC Unfortunately,this topic is not addressed enough.  I think parents are so focused on dealing with their strong-willed child that they have a hard time focusing on their other kids.  They’re so busy putting out the fire in front of them that they aren’t aware of who's dying because of smoke inhalation. We know that it is A LOT, but it is so important to make sure your other kids have what they need to be healthy as well. I not only deal with this professionally, but I also deal with it personally.  I have a child with high-functioning autism and one with cerebral palsy. It is so hard to make sure ALL of my kids are having their needs met. What issues do I see and what do I recommend? Issue #1 Your other kids aren’t getting as much time and attention as your strong-willed child I see this a lot with my clients.  One child takes an enormous amount of time, energy, and attention so the parents don’t have any left for the other kids.  I know that as a parent of a strong-willed child, your time is limited. So I want to share how to use what time you have in a really effective way. Solution Idea Years ago, a man named Gary Chapman found that humans “speak” love and “hear” love in five different ways.  He calls these the “Five Love Languages”. You can learn all about the Five Languages here. But the main idea is that you need to find out what how your children speak  love and hear love.  Some kids really feel loved when they get a hug and other kids hate hugs!  Some kids really feel love when they’re parent says nice things about them and other kids don’t care so much about compliments. You need to discover what love language your child speaks, then use that “love language” often.  If your child REALLY feels love through physical affection, you’re not going to buy them a gift to show them that you love them.  Rather, you are going to find a time to snuggle. If you learn your child’s love language and use it, it can help them feel deeply loved in a shorter amount of time.  This can help you compensate for how much time your strong-willed child is taking. When you have little snippets of time, use it wisely by speaking your child’s love language. To take a quiz to find out your child’s love language, go here. Solution Idea Another thing that I recommend to my clients is for each parent to find a little bit of time to be one-on-one with each child each week.  Meaning, if you have two kids, both parents take time to be one-on-one once a week with each child. Parents eyes always get big when I say this.  I know that you are all busy and that it is asking a lot. But the little bit of one-on-one time, when used well, can make a HUGE difference for your child.  They can feel really important and loved. Solution Idea Make the most out of your one-on-one time by doing something called “Play Therapy”.  Play therapy is a well-researched type of therapy where the child gets to be in charge of the activity and the grown ups get to just play along with the child.

This month, we're talking about how having a strong-willed child can affect other family relationships. Today we're going to talk about something that I've seen brought up several times but not really ever addressed in a in a helpful way.  The reality that sometimes we don't like our strong-willed child. We love our children passionately and we would do anything for them! But sometimes our strong-willed children are so challenging that we can start to foster some negative feelings towards our child. We have Laura Tesch with us today to talk about what to do when we’re having a hard time liking our strong-willed child.  As a reminder, Laura not only has her degree in Child and Family Studies, but she also has six kids of her own. Two of her six kids are strong-willed children.  Here’s what she has to say: LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW   Have you ever had a hard time liking your strong-willed children? I have. I really have. We're not always going to like our children and they're not always going to like us. That's something we just have to acknowledge. Once you acknowledge that, then you can start to figure out why. Do you ever feel shame that you have a hard time liking your strong-willed child? Absolutely!  But the first thing I want to get across to people is we don't need to feel shame. The more you can let go of the shame, the better you are going to feel. Believe it or not, when we're feeling bad about ourselves, we may redirect that shame back at our child.  We may think “If it weren't for you, I wouldn't feel this shameful feeling. It’s your fault I feel like a bad parent.” Not liking your child from time to time is a normal part of life.  Do not add to the challenge of that experience by throwing shame on top of it. Let go of the guilt. What should you do after you let go of the shame? Now that you’ve let go of the shame, it’s time to start investigating WHY you are having a hard time liking your child.  Is it because of their behavior? Is it because you feel it’s their fault you’re losing your patience? Is it because you wish they were an easier child? Really dig deep and start to understand what’s at the root of your negative feelings? Realize that it’s not your child you don’t like, it’s their negative behavior. This is hard when your child’s behavior feels so intentional and personal.  I understand, I have to fight this constantly myself. However, when you start to separate the two, you can see things differently. You can see that your child’s behavior is the problem, not your child.  You can start to see what is good and enjoyable about your child. Ask yourself if you blame your child for your unhappiness. I don’t know about you, but I noticed a lot of changes in myself after adding a strong-willed child to my family. I noticed that I was: Less patient More irritable Tired Angry Spending more energy on my strong-willed child than anyone else in my family Without even realizing it, I found that I didn’t like my strong-willed child because it seemed that she brought out the WORST in me.  When that happened, I felt like a horrible person and a crappy mom. Pretty soon, I was subconsciously thinking some really negative thoughts towards my strong-willed child. Do you relate to any of the following thoughts? “Before you, I was a good mom” “Before you, I wasn’t tired” “Before you, I had patience” “Before you, I wasn’t judged by other parents” “Before you, I didn’t dread getting up every morning” Parenting a strong-willed child can get your mind stuck in this kind of negative thinking.  It can even make us start to resent our strong-willed child or blame them for what we are feeling.  I call this a negative thinking trap. This particular trap is called the “blame” trap. I was essentially blaming my child for my emotions.  I was saying that my child had CONTROL over my happiness and that it was her fault I was miserable.

LISTEN HERE OR READ THE POST BELOW One concern that comes up over and over again in our private facebook group, is “How do I get my kids to sleep through the night?” We get to talk to Jeff Tesch, LMFT today, all about getting our kids to sleep through the night.   Jeff Tesch, LMFT Is it normal for kids to have issues with sleeping? Both normal and very common. It's understandable that kids have to kind of learn how to soothe themselves at night and how to stay in their beds.   The phase where they are learning is a hard time for parents. It’s also really common for a child to be sleeping well, the to experience some regression.  We experience the same kind of cycles as adults. I think one of the things that's really, really hard about a child not sleeping is it’s negative effect on everyone’s mood.  When we’re sleep deprived, we’re more emotional and have less control over our behavior.  The same is true for our kids. Tips for getting your child to sleep and keeping them asleep. Tip #1: Take time to unwind before bed We can’t expect a child to go from chaos to calm in two minutes.  It’s important to start telling your child’s body that it’s bedtime at least an hour before bed.  Try keeping the lights low, the music quiet, and doing to calmer activities.  Slowing things down tells your child’s body that it’s about time to sleep. Tip #2: Have a consistent bedtime routine. Using a consistent bedtime routine is another way to tell your child’s brain that it’s sleeping time.  I recommend starting the routine close to the same time every night.  Include some activities that are positive for your child i.e., reading books, singing songs, etc. Note: You’ll need to try to eat early enough to accommodate your bedtime routine. Tip #3: No screens at least an hour before bed. There’s so much good research indicating that the blue light from screens mimics the blue light of daytime sky.  The blue light tells your child’s brain that it’s daytime. In addition to the blue light issue, screens also stimulate the brain.  It’s hard to go to sleep if your brain feels overstimulated. So commit to turning screens off at least an hour before bed. Tip #4: Evaluate if their nap schedule is getting in the way of their sleeping at night If you have a child who seems to not be sleepy at night, look at their naptime schedule.  Are they taking a really long nap during the day?  Are they taking naps late in the day?  Are they sleeping in until 8 or 9 am?  All of these factors can affect how sleepy your child is at night. If you answered “yes” to any of the questions above, you may want to adjust so your child can be sleepy at night. What do you do when all of the above isn’t working? If you have a good routine, don’t use screens, your kids aren’t napping and the STILL won’t go to sleep at night-go talk to your doctor.  How do I get my child to stay in their room all night? Tip #1: Start young Try to have your child sleep in their own beds as young as possible.  I’m a huge proponent of adults having their own TIME and SPACE.  I think that parents need a break from being a parent.  In my experience, it really is best to have kids sleeping in their own rooms. Tip #2: Don’t let them crawl into bed with you This is SO hard to do because you’re exhausted. In the middle of the night, you just want to do whatever it takes to get sleep.  However, if you want your kids to stay in their own beds you HAVE to put them back into their own beds.  They need to learn that it’s not worth their time to try to crawl in with you. Will this interrupt your sleep? Yes. Will some of you have to take your child back to their beds over and over and over again? Yes. Will it be worth it eventually?  Yes. Does this mean you can’t ever let your kids snuggle with you in bed?  No.  You can find times, during waking hours, that can be your snuggle time.  Our kids were allowed to come into our bed in the morning to snuggle.

Strong-willed kids have a lot of frustrating behaviors.  For me though, meltdowns are one of the most challenging behaviors.  I want to cry in a corner because my child's totally out of control with emotions.  I am usually left with a lot of questions; “What do I need to do to help my child manage their emotions better?”, “What can I do to weather the storm of their emotions in a healthier way?”, and “What's even going on? Why are they doing this?” So we're here with marriage and family therapist, Jeff Tesch to talk about all things meltdown. LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW Jeff Tesch, LMFT What causes a meltdown?  What's going on in the child's brain during meltdown? Meltdowns are really a flood of emotions.  So many emotions that your brain starts to be overstimulated and stops thinking rationally.  But where do all those emotions come from? All emotions are driven by thoughts.  Emotions are really a response to what you’re thinking. For example: when you are afraid of something, you don’t feel fear first.  Rather, you think a fearful thought THEN you feel fear. What happens next? After you have a thought, followed by an emotion, the emotion builds unless you change your thinking.  As the emotions build, some unfortunate things happen in your brain: Your brain shifts into the fight or flight response/a panic response. Your ability to think clearly and rationally diminishes. You start to believe things that aren't accurate You become difficult to reason with You have to calm down before you can think rationally again So when our child is in the middle of a meltdown, you can assume that their emotions have flooded the brain.  Their brain isn't able to rationalize or reason or do any problem solving.  They truly are just in the fight or flight part of their brain that doesn't do any of that higher functioning. That is a significant thing to remember. In the middle of a meltdown is NOT the time to talk, explain, or to act different.  In fact, engaging with a child who is melting down usually leads to further escalation. What can you do to help prevent a meltdown? Think about the Hulk.  As you might know, he has some warning signs that he’s going to turn into the Big Green Guy.  He goes through a process where he's fighting against his emotions. If he’s not successful he turns into the green guy and he's gone. Here’s some tips for preventing a meltdown: Be aware of what triggers a meltdown in your child.  What signs do they give you that they are headed into a meltdown?  The earlier you can intervene, the better. Distract their thinking.  Since emotions are a result of thoughts, try changing what they’re thinking about.  If you see a meltdown coming on you could start asking them questions about something completely unrelated, start playing a game, etc. Use “Emotional Coaching” A lot of times, meltdowns occur when a child isn't feeling understood, heard, or like their feelings are valid. Using emotional coaching can help your child feel like somebody understands them.Researches conducted a study where they wired kids up and monitored them throughout their day. The researchers wanted to learn about physiological response to everyday struggles.  The researchers taught parents to simply notice their child’s feelings and to label their child’s feelings out loud.  Example: “You look upset” or “You are frustrated”.   The research showed that if parents made that kind of a statement, their kids were much less likely to begin to escalate emotionally. Most humans begin to feel calmer when they feel validated and understood.So what is emotional coaching?Emotional coaching was developed by researcher John Gottman.  You can read about it more in his book Raising and Emotionally Intelligent Child. Here are the basic principles taught in the book. Emotions are part of being human.  There is nothing wrong with them.

Do you ever feel apprehensive to go into public with your kids?  Are you nervous they’re going to misbehave at the store or during a play date?  I have been there.  That’s why we’re talking to Child & Family Studies major AND mom of six, Laura Tesch today.  Laura has had a lot of experience being in public with misbehaving kids.  She’s also learned a lot over the years.  Here are her favorite tips and tricks! LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW   Laura Tesch Parent the same no matter where you are I know that this is one of the most difficult things to do. When you’re in public and your child starts throwing a tantrum your gut reaction can be… “Oh my goodness! Please no tantrum today, please.  I’ll give you whatever you want if you’ll just stop screaming!” I've been there thousands of times.  However, it’s important to show your child that you're going to parent the same no matter where you are. Embrace the Embarrassment One of the biggest struggles that parents have in feeling embarrassed if their child's throwing a fit.  This embarrassment may cause a parent to give into a fit. Just know that you are going to be embarrassed and it's OK, but you have to be consistent. You have to let them tantrum sometimes.  It’s more important to be consistent than to not be embarrassed. Everyone should know that a child tantrums from time to time. That doesn't mean you're a bad parent. That's just how your child is trying to show what they want. That's how they can talk to you. That's how they react. Make a Plan BEFORE You Leave the House Before you ever go into public, plan and prepare. There’s some questions you can ask yourself to make things easier.  Here’s just a few: Is my child hungry? Is my child tired? Is this really the best time to go out? When would be a time we could go that would work best for my child? Do I have snacks or activities for my child? Have I taught my child what the rules and expectations are for the place we are going? Have I been clear with my child about what consequences will occur if they choose to break a rule? Use Some Creativity to Make the Outing Fun You can make outings fun. You can make them a game. My sister, has a little rope that she clips on to her cart. The rule is that everyone has to hold onto the rope. Whoever holds on the longest, will get a surprise when they get back to the car. I'm at the stage where I have teenagers, so I'm teaching them how to buy different things.  We’ll have a “find the best price” game. I actually wish I would have started this game when my kids were younger. Some other ideas: Get your kids to help you pick produce Give your kids coins to sort or count Bring activities for them My husband worked full time. I had to go into public with six kids.  I had to come up with fun ways to get them to behave while we were out.  It took some work, but it paid off in the end. Be Clear With Your Kids About Rules And Consequences I touched on this a little in the “Plan Before You Leave” section, but it’s important enough that I wanted to go into more detail. We sometimes make the assumption that our kids are clear on what behavior is or isn’t OK when we’re in public.  We need to assume they DON’T know and take some time to get really clear with them. Have a little meeting to discuss how you feel about going into public with them.  Have them help make rules for behavior when you’re in public.  Let them know what the consequence will be for breaking the rules.  Then role play.  Make believe that you’re in public.  You be the kid and they be the parent.  You pretend to misbehave in public and have them pretend to give you the consequence. Role playing is a really fun way to help your kids know what is expected and what will happen when they break the rules. If you have toddlers who can’t talk, a family meeting won’t help.  What will help is your consistent response to misbehavior.

  Raise your hand if you feel like you are the only one trying to keep your house clean! That feeling can be so frustrating! It is time to get our kids to help around the house. In today's episode, child and family studies major Laura Tesch is going to teach us not only why chores are critical to our children's development but also positive ways to get kids to help. The tips Laura teaches are what she has used with her own six children over the last two decades. You won't want to miss this one.  LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW The Upside to Expecting Kids to Help Around the House They learn how to work hard They learn about delayed gratification It teaches them how to contribute to the world around them When it's time to move out, they will be very capable of caring for their own home It helps them develop Independence They feel a sense of accomplishment It helps develop fine and gross motor skills It teaches them that they have responsibility for the cleanliness of the home It spreads the load of taking care of the house among all family members Helps with abstract thinking and brain development Helps them be a better guest at other people's homes because they will be more likely to clean up behind themselves And much more The Downside to Expecting Kids to Help Around the House It takes SO much time to teach them how to do it properly!  It really feels like it would be SO much easier to just do it on your own.  I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself of the many benefits of getting kids to help.  They motivate me to push through the tough times. The Pointers MODEL, TEACH, AND BE CLEAR WITH EXPECTATIONS Show them how you would like a chore to be done, then show them and show them and show them some more. Next, have them do it with you by their side, then coach them and coach them and coach them.  Be really clear about how you want it done and help them until they are able to do it.  This does take so much time, but in the end, they'll be able to do it on their own really well.  It is a lengthy training process.  However, you're investing time now so they will confident and be capable when they're older.Parenting Tip: You're consistency will pay off with time.  Laura no longer has to remind her kids to do their chores and they are done the way she trained her kids to do them. BREAK TASKS DOWN INTO BITE-SIZED PIECES My garage is kind of crazy.  Every time I want to fix that, I get completely overwhelmed by the magnitude of the job.  Our kids can feel the same way with the chores they are given.  It can help to break their bigger jobs up into several little tasks.Take cleaning a room for example.  If you put a four year in old their room and tell them to clean it, chances are, it's not going to work.  Now if you made a list of smaller tasks that need to be done to clean a room, that might feel more manageable.  That list could look something like this: [clickToTweet tweet="'Parenting Tip: Be aware of your child's level of ability and match their chore to that level of ability.  This will help both you and your child avoid some frustration.' -parentwithapro.com " quote="'Parenting Tip: Be aware of your child's level of ability and match their chore to that level of ability.  This will help both you and your child avoid some frustration.' -parentwithapro.com " theme="style1"] TRY TO BE POSITIVE & FUNDoing chores is a chore!  If we are angry and impatient, it will make chore time worse.  Use some creativity to make chore time a little more fun.Here's some ideas: Wear silly aprons or hats that are just for cleaning Listen to upbeat music Listen to stories Play make believe "Have a Cinderella party" Play "21 thing pick up" where everyone picks up 21 things Play "Room to Room" where everyone in the family works together moving through the house room by room  BONUS:  KEEP THEIR CHORES TO ABOUT 20 MINUTES A DAY ON THE WEEK DAYS

It's a new month and that means a new monthly topic. This monthly we are going to talk about Tough Times of the Day and solutions to better handle those. We start the discussion with mealtime. I think that EVERY parent out there has a picky eater in their house, a child that exclusively wants pizza or mac-n-cheese. If you are one of those parents, you are in for a treat (pun intended) CMHC Mike Fitch teaches us his do's and don'ts with picky eaters. Here's the thing, Mike has a child with cerebral palsy, which makes eating very difficult.  He has had to receive extensive training on the do's and don'ts for picky eaters and is truly an expert on this topic. LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW I really appreciate Mike taking the time to teach us the do's and don'ts of picky eating.  Here's what he has to share: DO be aware that there are two categories of picky eaters: A child that has an underlying medical issue that genuinely affects their feelings towards foods.  Some examples are: A child with OCD A child with sensory processing disorder A child with a physical issue such as cerebral palsy A child with food anxieities A "typical" child that just doesn't want to try new foods They next do's and don'ts are for the typical child that doesn't want to try new foods.  To learn more about the child that might have a medical disorder, scroll to the end of the article. DO cook only one meal: It can be tempting to cook several meals, one for each of your children and then one for the adults.  That is unnecessary work and will reinforce the picky eater.  They will learn that if they cry enough, whine enough, or act hungry enough, you will continue to feed them their favorite foods for every meal. Instead, establish a FIRM rule that you will only make one meal.  They can choose to eat it or not. DO let them experience the natural consequences of not eating that one meal: Once you've cooked that one meal, that's what's for dinner.  They can choose to eat or go without.  This is where is gets tough.  Let's say they choose to go without then are hungry later.  That tugs on our heart strings and makes us want to swoop in and make something for them to eat.  However, that once again reinforces picky eating.  Instead, you get to say something like "Bummer, you're hungry.  Meal time is over, you can try again at the next meal."  Then walk away.  They will quickly learn that if they don't want to be hungry, they need to make what mama cooks. DO have a FIRM expectation that they TRY foods: We use the word FIRM a lot at Parent with a Pro.  Firm is the opposite of flexible.  Research shows that being a firm parent is healthy for your kids (if you balance that firmness out with lots of love, connection, and fun).  So what will the firm expectation be in your home?  That they try the ONE meal that you cook?  That they take one bite for each year of age they are? i.e. an eight year old takes eight bites.  That they eat one veggie and one protein?  You decide, then you stick to it. DO occasionally let them miss out on dessert if they choose not to eat dinner: If you're at a meal where there is a dessert after, it is OK to say "Dessert is for kids who eat a little protein and one vegetable."  It's OK to have that rule and it's OK to let your child miss out if they choose not to eat a little protein and a vegetable (or whatever expectation you set).  The child may be OK with this when they are refusing to eat, but it most likely won't be pretty when dessert comes out and they don't get it.  Which leads to... DON'T give in to tantrums, fits, crying, whining, etc. about food: Not giving into negative behavior is one parenting rule we CANNOT emphasize enough!  Giving in and giving a child the dessert THEY CHOOSE to miss out on will teach the child that they don't have to listen to you next time.  AND that if they don't like what you said, all they have to do is escalate their negative behavior ...

Today we interview marriage and family therapist, Jeff Tesch to talk about something that is SO frustrating to SO many parents.  In fact, we have some questions that we ask parents who enter our private Facebook group (You're welcome to join, too!) to figure out what struggles they're facing with their strong willed child.  Over and over again we see that parents have asked their kids to stop a certain behavior or to do something the parent has asked and the child's behavior simply isn't changing. Here's what Jeff Tesch teaches about why our words aren't working and what to do instead. LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW First, there are times that it is appropriate and really good to use our words with our kids. 1. When we're getting CLEAR with our kids about behavior. Our children are not minds readers and they need us to be really clear with them UPFRONT about what behaviors are okay and which are not.  It's important to not only be clear about behavior expectations but to also be clear about what will happen when a child does not meet those expectations.  This gives your kids the best chance to behave in a way that helps the whole family.  In our online parenting course, we teach that it's a great idea to get kids involved in the whole discussion.  Let them tell you why certain behaviors aren't helping the family, let them give some input in what consequences they think are appropriate for misbehavior, let them role play the plan you just created as a family.  Clearly, there needs to be a lot of talking during this process. 2. When we're COACHING our kids. Researcher and marriage and family therapist John Gottman says that one of our most important roles as parents is coaching our children. Coaching them through their emotions, coaching them through the challenges of life, coaching them and guiding them towards critical life skills they need for adulthood.  Coaching requires a lot of talking. Parenting Tip: Trying to coach a child when they are emotionally charged doesn't work well.  When humans are feeling really big emotions: anger, sadness, frustration, etc. the reasoning part of the brain TURNS OFF and the child can't actually learn anything.  Wait until emotions are calm to coach your child. 3. When we're CONNECTING with our kids. Research shows that our kids need us to connect with them.  Not WANT us to connect with them, NEED us to connect with them.  Use your words to ask about their day, to tell them you love them, to play together, to laugh, to joke, to comfort and to point out the positive in them. When to not use our words: 1. When you've already asked a million times or as a consequence. There are a lot of parenting books out there and many of them contradict one another.  However, one common principle in any good parenting book is that if you find yourself asking a child to STOP doing something or START do something over and over again it's time to stop talking and start acting. Parenting tip: if you have asked your child to stop or start something on several different occasions that should raise a red flag in your brain.  That red flag should wave and tell you "Stop talking, start acting." What do the experts mean by stop talking, start acting? Here's a specific example to help you understand: I have a son that leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor after he showers.  We have been asking him to pick up after himself for more months than I care to admit.  In the end, either I pick up his clothes or he will after he's been asked 207 times.  This causes frustration for me, because I'm asking over and over again.  Plus, this causes frustration for him because he feels like I'm nagging him.  None of that is good for our relationship or for his long-term development. So instead of continuing the crazy process of asking over and over again, I would get CLEAR with him about the issue and what my expectations are.  Then we'd work together to come up with a consequen...

Research shows that one of the best ways to train a child out of a negative behavior is to give the child an appropriate consequence when they use inappropriate behaviors. But what do you do if no consequence seems to work?! This is not an uncommon scenario for parents of strong-willed kids. Today, we again interview two therapists Stephanie Carbajal, LCSW and Mike Fitch, CMHC to ask what they tell their clients who are having a hard time finding an effective consequence.  What to do when no consequence or discipline seems to work for your child. 8 parenting tips from child therapists LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW EIGHT Things to Try When No Consequence Seems to Work 1. Know that you are not alone: This isn't really something to try, but something that's just a relief to know.  There are many parents who are struggling to find an effective consequence for their child.  You are not alone.  Strong-willed children are a joy and a challenge to raise.  One of those challenges is finding something that does work for your child. NOTE:  If you have child with anxiety, depression, or trauma they may not respond as well to consequences.  We recommend you try the ideas below.  If you continue to not see change, we suggest you seek a competent professional's to help you and your family. 2. Customize consequences to your specific child. Discipline is not a one size fits all. Each child is born with different strengths, weaknesses, temperaments, and motivations.  Therefore, you will need to customize your approach with each child.  The process of customizing does include some trial and error.  That can feel really frustrating and take some time.  However, if you stick with the process, you will eventually find something that works. Parenting tip: When testing out different consequences, you need to try it CONSISTENTLY and for at least a couple of weeks before you adjust a try something different.  Read more about that in #6. 3. Try some rewards, but not the typical reward you're thinking of. Sometimes when we're working on extinguishing negative behaviors, we get too focused on ONLY negative behaviors.  If a child feels like their parents don't see any good in them, it can lead to more negative behaviors.  Our kids need us to tell them what they are doing well.  Do a quick self-evaluation.  Are you pointing out at least 5-10 things each of your kids do well each day? If not, here's what we suggest: NOTE: For a full podcast episode on this topic click here. Get a small mason jar or clear cup for each child in the family (you may want to label each jar) Get some craft fuzzies When your child does something positive follow these steps: Say the child's name Tell them SPECIFICALLY what they did that was positive Ask them how they FELT when they did that positive thing (for really little kids, you may need to just tell them) Put a fuzzy in the jar When the fuzzy is full, the child earns a "Relationship Reward".  A relationship reward is a special activity for the parent and child to do together.  It's purpose is to help the child feel special to you and connected to you. An example might be having a picnic on the floor with your child's favorite dinner or letting the child stay up late to play games with you. 4. Try at home play therapy to help your child feel more connected to you. Children generally behave better when they feel connected to their parents.   At home play therapy is a heavily researched way to connect deeply and quickly with our kids of ALL ages. Here's a quick overview of how to do at home play therapy: For twenty minutes a couple of times a week, go somewhere in the house with your child where you can be together one-on-one. Let them pick the activity you are going to do (for a younger child, this could be playing with a toy.  With an older child this could be watching their favorite YouTube videos or listening to their favorite music).

Years ago, discipline used to be so harsh that it at times would have been considered child abuse. Now, in our culture, we are so afraid of damaging our children that we wonder if we can even use discipline. Today we talk to two therapists to learn what evidence shows about discipline. If you've been worried at all about discipline, you'll want to listen to this episode.   LISTEN ABOVE OR READ BELOW Here's six things to think about when it comes to discipline: There ARE ABSOLUTELY some discipline techniques that do cause damage.  WE WANT TO BE ABSOLUTELY CLEAR ABOUT WHAT THOSE ARE.  Download this FREE guide to see what our therapists encourage you to avoid at all costs.   Success! Now check your email to confirm your subscription. There was an error submitting your subscription. Please try again. Email Address Send me the guide! /* Layout */ .ck_form.ck_naked { /* divider image */ background: transparent; line-height: 1.5em; overflow: hidden; color: #666; font-size: 16px; border: none; -webkit-box-shadow: none; -moz-box-shadow: none; box-shadow: none; clear: both; margin: 20px 0px; text-align: center;} .ck_form.ck_naked p { padding: 0px;} .ck_form, .ck_form * { -webkit-box-sizing: border-box; -moz-box-sizing: border-box; box-sizing: border-box;} .ck_form.ck_naked .ck_form_fields { width: 100%; float: left; padding: 5%;}/* Form fields */ .ck_errorArea { display: none; /* temporary */} #ck_success_msg { padding: 10px 10px 0px; border: solid 1px #ddd; background: #eee;} .ck_form.ck_naked input[type="text"], .ck_form.ck_naked input[type="email"] { font-size: 18px; padding: 10px 8px; width: 34%; border: 1px solid #d6d6d6; /* stroke */ -moz-border-radius: 0px; -webkit-border-radius: 0px; border-radius: 0px; /* border radius */ background-color: #fff; /* layer fill content */ margin-bottom: 5px; height: auto; float: left; margin: 0px; margin-right: 1%; height: 42px;} .ck_form input[type="text"]:focus, .ck_form input[type="email"]:focus { outline: none; border-color: #aaa;} .ck_form.ck_naked .ck_subscribe_button { width: 100%; color: #fff; margin: 0px; padding: 9px 0px; font-size: 18px; background: #62accc; -moz-border-radius: 0px; -webkit-border-radius: 0px; border-radius: 0px; /* border radius */ cursor: pointer; border: none; text-shadow: none; width: 30%; float: left; height: 42px; } .ck_converted_content { display: none; padding: 5%; background: #fff;} /* max width 500 */ .ck_form.ck_naked.width500 .ck_subscribe_button { width: 100%; float: none; margin-top: 5px; } .ck_form.ck_naked.width500 input[type="text"], .ck_form.ck_naked.width500 input[type="email"] { width: 49%; } .ck_form.ck_naked.width500 input[type="email"] { margin-right: 0px; width: 50%; } /* max width 400 */ .ck_form.ck_naked.width400 .ck_subscribe_button, .ck_form.ck_naked.width400 input[type="text"], .ck_form.ck_naked.width400 input[type="email"] { width: 100%; float: none; margin-top: 5px; } .ck_slide_up, .ck_modal, .ck_slide_up .ck_naked, .ck_modal .ck_naked { min-width: 400px;} .page .ck_form.ck_naked { margin: 50px auto; max-width: 700px;} /* v6 */ .ck_slide_up.ck_form_v6, .ck_modal.ck_form_v6, .ck_slide_up.ck_form_v6 .ck_naked, .ck_modal.ck_form_v6 .ck_naked { min-width: 0 !important;} .ck_form_v6 #ck_success_msg { padding: 0px 10px;} @media all and (max-width: 403px) { .ck_form_v6.ck_modal .ck_naked { padding-top: 30px; }} @media all and (max-width: 499px) { .ck_form_v6.ck_modal .ck_naked + .ck_close_link { color: #fff; top: 10px; }} .ck_form_v6.ck_slide_up .ck_naked + .ck_close_link { right: 10px; top: -5px;} @media all and (min-width: 600px) { .ck_form_v6.ck_slide_up .ck_naked + .ck_close_link { right: 35px; }} Stephanie Carbajal, LMFT 1. How do you define discipline? What do you think when you hear the word discipline?

One of the most common questions parents ask is "What discipline approach will actually be effective for my strong willed child?" Luckily, there have been decades of research on that topic and there is answer. Today, Jeff Tesch LMFT teaches us what discipline has been PROVEN to work with our kids!  LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW Jeff Tesch, LMFT I regularly have parents in my office asking me “How do I get my child to stop using X behavior?”  I like to teach them the formula I’m about to teach you. This formula was developed through decades of research. In fact, there was even one study that monitored kids for 40 years, starting at age 8 to see what kind of parenting the child received and continuing on to age 48 to see what effect the parenting had on the child.  The kids that were parented by parents using the formula I am going to teach you behaved better in their younger years and performed better throughout the next FOUR DECADES OF LIFE! They had higher education, better jobs, healthier relationships, and the list goes on. Meaning, that the formula I’m going to teach you could LITERALLY CHANGE YOUR CHILD’S LIFE! Here are some other benefits of the formula I’m going to teach you:       It requires less effort and less frustration for YOU the parent while providing incredibly improved outcomes.       It’s been proven to work with all kinds of kids: Kids with regular cognitive functioning as well as kids with ODD, OCD, ADHD, and even kids with lower functioning such as autism. In fact, if you have a child with a diagnosis, it's absolutely critical that you follow this formula! When a child has a diagnosis it can be harder for them to behave well and they need you to really guide them. This formula is designed to do just that.       This formula is so well researched that you can have complete confidence in it and won’t need to read another parenting book again.         You get to be a unique parent.  We give you the formula then you get to personalize how you use the formula to match you and your child.  If you know this formula, you will be able to know if parenting ideas you here will be worth trying or not.  If the ideas you hear don’t fit into this formula, you’ll know not to use them. If they do, you’ll know that they will work because this formula has been proven over and over and over again.  It’s the formula all the future therapists are taught to use.   I’m excited to get started! So be looking in your inbox for the next video or click on Video One below. The 40 year study I mentioned a 40 year study completed to see what kind of parenting helped kids behave well when they were young and helped them become happy, healthy adults.  Research found that the parents who got the best results were parents who:   Had high expectations of how their child should behave and what skills they should develop.  These parents knew what behaviors would not serve their child well as an adult and were really clear with their children that those types of behaviors would not be allowed and gave a fair consequence when children choose to use those behaviors.  We call this the FIRM side of parenting The parents with the best results were also really warm, loving, and connected to their child.  They made sure that the overall tone of each day was positive. They pointed out what things their child was doing well, they spent time with their kids, they hugged them, attended their activities, and were their biggest cheerleaders in life.  We call this the SOFT side of parenting.   To give your kids the best chance of behaving well now and doing REALLY well in the future, it is important for you to become REALLY good at being both a FIRM parent and a SOFT parent. Which leads us to the first part of the Parent Like  a Pro Formula: 1. Be Balanced The first ingredient in the formula is “Be Balanced”.  An effective parent is both FIRM (has rules and expectations) and S...

If you have a child that does NOT like the word "NO" then you'll want to give this episode a listen.  This is the last episode in this month's series "Emotional Life Skills for the Strong Willed Child" and will help you know how to respond to kids who may whine, complain, or throw a fit when you tell them "No".  Clinical mental health counselor, Mike Fitch shares his best tips for handling this issue.   LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW Mike Fitch, CMHC Tip #1: Be Aware of The Reality Kids aren’t really thinking about their behavior.  When they don’t get want they want, they instinctively yell or cry for what they want.  Saying NO can be a catalyst for a power struggle or some whining.  Our kids simply don't like to hear the word "NO".  Especially when they really want something.  We feel the same way as adults.  When we get our mind set on something we want or think we need, it's hard for US to hear the word no. Also, there will be times in your children’s life when the word "no" is more of an issue than other times.  Here are some specific ages. Age 2-3 Teens Just know that there is no quick fix for this.  It will most likely be a lifetime issue.  However, use the follow tips to minimize the negative effects of saying "NO". Tip #2: Ask yourself "Do I really need to say no?" There are ABSOLUTELY times that you NEED to say "NO"!  We don't want you to think this tip is teaching you to say "yes" all the time.  You are not customer service trying to keep clients happy.  Rather, you are the authority in your house and get to say "No" when appropriate. However, have you ever said "no" to your child when the answer really could have been: "Not now" "Sure. But only when your chores are done." "Let me think about it for a little while." If our kids are constantly being told "No" it can increase their frustration when we say it.  See if there are times you can say something different that might help you avoid a power struggle or metldown. Tip #3: Make note of what your child is asking you for One of the biggest issues we hear from parents of strong-willed children is that they can't find a consequence that will work for their child.  If you pay attention to what your children are asking you for, they will tell you which things they care about.  If your child is frequently asking to play Mine Craft, you now know that loosing the privilege of playing Mine Craft might be a consequence that would motivate your child.  It sounds mean saying it, but your kids are giving you hints about what WILL work for them. Tip #4 : Get clear in your own mind and with your family about what things you will say "No" to You do get to have family rules.  You don’t have to negotiate with your child.  Instead, sit with your family to come up with family rules and routines.  After you've made family rules and routines if your child asks for something that would break a family rule or routine you don't have to say "No" instead your get to say: "What is our family rule about that?" OR "You know we don't play video games before chores." The family rules and routines get to be the bad guys!  Isn't that awesome! So get clear with everyone in the family what the rules and routines are. Here's some examples: Rule: We only have one treat a day Routine: Homework time starts at 5:30 pm Rule: We don't buy treats at the grocery store if anyone asks for them.  Rather, mom can choose to buy a treat if everyone is good. Routine: We start bedtime routine every night at 7:00 pm To learn how routines can help you avoid power struggles, go here. Tip #5: Walk Away If the child is really upset that you said no, saying more will make it worse.  Here's a quick lesson on the brain.  Part of your brain is responsible for making rational decisions and for critical thinking.  This part of the brain only work when you are calm.  As soon as your brain is flooded with an emotion, the rational and critical thinking part SHUTS OFF.

At the beginning of this year, I asked our private Facebook group what emotional life skills they felt their strong-willed children needed.  So many of the parents said that patience is something their children struggle with.  So today we get to talk to Mike Fitch, CMHC about practical ways to teach our children patience.  Mike knows what it takes to develop patience as he himself has ADHD, he has a child with high-functioning autism, and he coaches hundreds of clients a year.  We are grateful for his willingness to teach us some of the tricks he has learned.     LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW.     Mike Fitch, CMHC We all struggle with patience When Celeste first asked me to talk about patience, I thought she meant parents having more patience.  Why would I think that?  Because we ALL struggle with patience. I think knowing that helps us be more patient with our kid’s impatience.  Developing patience is a life-long process and one that we’re all working on. Patience is a critical life skill to develop  Even though we all struggle with patience, that isn’t an excuse to not try to develop the ability to be patient.  It is right that so many of the parents in the group wanted to help their children develop patience. Patience is a skill that each of us need to use each and every day of our lives.  If we do not increase our ability to be patient, we could really struggle. Why is it so important to know how to be patient? If you’re kids aren’t patient they could really struggle at school, home, work, and socially. Just ask yourself these questions to help you realize the importance of patience: How are you personally struggling with patience?   How is your impatience negatively effecting your life? How could having more patience help you? Here’s some other reasons patience is so important: Patience really helps us handle delayed gratification. What if your child never learned how to wait for what they wanted? What struggles could they face if they had to have what they wanted right when they wanted it? What kind of emotional, financial, social trouble could they get into if they couldn’t handle delayed gratification? Patience helps us learn better.  It takes patience to develop new skills and to perfect skills you already have. Patience helps us be tolerant of others. As ALL parents know, it takes a lot of patience to interact with other humans. There will always be people in our lives that do things that irritate us.  Our patience allows us to function in the real world and deal with the people that might be frustrating for us to be around. My Top Tips for Teaching Patience Tip #1 Model Patience I always hesitate saying this, but are your kids learning impatience from you?  Do you practice delayed gratification?  Do you show tolerance of other’s in your life?  Are you often losing your cool with friends, family, or co-workers?  Are you expecting your child to be perfectly patient when you yourself are really struggling to be patient? If you feel like you’re genuinely really patient, awesome!  Keep up the good work! If you feel like you have room for improvement, it’s never too late to start changing. “Children are great imitators.  Give them something great to imitate.” You can trust that if you are modeling patience well and teaching it often, that your children will eventually follow your example. Tip #2 Use the Marshmallow Study to Increase Your Child’s Patience Years ago, researchers wanted to study children’s ability to be patient and how it would effect them as they grew up. These researchers started something called the “Marshmallow Study”.  In this study, kids were given a marshmallow and told that if they could wait five minutes before eating the marshmallow, they could have a second one. The researchers then videoed the kids to see who would wait the five minutes. Some of the kids waited and others didn’t.

If you've been looking for ways to help your kids manage their anger, look no further!  This episode is jam-packed with tools designed to help your child recognize and manage their anger in a healthy way. LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

It's a new month, which means it's a new theme for the podcast!  This month we will be talking about teaching our strong willed children... emotional life skills! Let's be honest, this is a topic that we all need some coaching on.  However, our strong willed kids usually come with really strong emotions.  If left unchecked, these emotions can RULE THEIR LIVES!  That's why we are spending this month teaching you how to teach your child to develop emotional life skills. To help you out, we are giving you some tips on how to begin discussing emotional life skills with your child in this week's episode. In this episode, you will learn how to start talking about emotions with a younger child and how to create an emotional skill coping plan with an older child. LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

Our kids struggle when they only hear negative things about themselves or are in trouble much of the time.  They can start to feel like they are just “bad” kids. They start to feel an emotion called shame. Brene Brown teaches that guilt and shame are two very different things.  Guilt is when we feel we have done something wrong, but there is hope, because we can change. Shame is when we feel WE ARE a mistake, WE are the problem, WE cannot change. Therefore, there is no hope.  This leads to self-doubt, depression, and anxiety. We want our kids to avoid the pain that shame brings and have to work EXTRA hard to help our strong-willed kids.  We want to teach you how to use positive praise and encouragement to help your child feel connected to you and feel positively about themselves. LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW Mike Fitch, CMHC Our strong willed child may be trying even if it doesn’t look like it We want to teach you this principle using an analogy.  Two kids are in the same class, with the same teacher, and working equally hard to get a good grade.  One child naturally understands the subject being taught while the other child doesn’t. As a result, one child gets an A and the other gets a C.  Does it mean that they didn’t work equally hard? No, it means that one child was more naturally gifted at the subject than the other. Does it mean that the child who struggles more can’t learn?  No, it means that it will just take more time, effort, and patience. Our strong willed kids naturally struggle to behave as well as their peers do. Their emotions seem to be stronger, their tempers flare faster, their wills are just stronger.  However, they also feel sad that people think they aren’t good kids. They want to be liked, loved, and want to know that they are good. It is one of our primary roles as parents to understand that our strong willed kids are struggling, to let them know that we believe in them, that we see the positive in them.  This can be SO hard as we may be struggling the see the good and the positive in them ourselves. Yet, if we don’t see it in them, who will? Where to start? PRAISE EFFORT Pay attention to hard your child is working at behaving well and praise their efforts not just their results.  In the school analogy, you could praise your child for studying, for listening in class, for doing their homework.  An example with behavior is you could praise your child for choosing to use nice words instead of angry words. Just point out the effort that their making. PRAISE PROGRESS Praise any progress they make.  Once again, in our school analogy, if the child that struggles got a B instead of a C, praise that progress!  Is the grade an A? No, but your child made progress! With behavior if you have a child that went a whole week without hitting someone and that’s the first time they did that, praise that progress! PRAISE NEUTRAL BEHAVIOR If we’re struggling to find really praiseworthy things that our strong willed kids are doing, then start praising neutral behavior.  Find a time when they’re not fighting with a sibling to say “Hey, I just want you to know that I love how you are doing your own thing and not fighting with your brother!  That makes our home feel really peaceful and you made that possible.” Look for times that your child is simply not rocking the boat and find a way to praise them for that.   PRAISE THE POSITIVE OPPOSITE If you are working with your child on extinguishing a certain negative behavior, make sure you praise the positive opposite behavior. For example: If you are trying to get your child to stop arguing with you, have an appropriate consequence for when they are arguing with you BUT offer praise when they choose not to argue with you.  Help them feel good for making that positive choice, let them know how you feel about when they choose not to argue with you. Ask them how they feel when they are talking calmly versus arguing with you.

So many people join our private Facebook group completely overwhelmed by their strong-willed child's behavior, knowing that they want to change their child's behavior, but not knowing where to start. Luckily, we have Jeff Tesch, LMFT to teach us a simple secret designed to help us improve our children's behavior without loosing our minds! LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

If you are not consistent, it does not matter what else you do.  This was a truth I was surprised to learn while recording this episode of the podcast.  You could be using great techniques, but if you're not consistent, negative behavior will not improve.  If you and your spouse/partner parent differently, your child's behavior will not improve.  If you switch your approach frequently, your child's behavior will not improve. Listen to this episode to learn why consistency is critical and how to become consistent enough to see positive changes in your child's behavior.   LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

Today we are going to talk to Jeff Tesch about a common parenting mistake therapists are seeing and how to fix it.  This mistake is one that parents make completely on accident, but it's having a huge effect of our kid's behavior. The great thing is that after this episode, you'll know what it is, what to do differently, and you'll see positive results in your family as a result. Today we are going to talk to Jeff Tesch about a common parenting mistake therapists are seeing and how to fix it.  This mistake is one that parents make completely on accident, but it's having a huge effect of our kid's behavior.The great thing is that after this episode, you'll know what it is, what to do differently, and you'll see positive results in your family as a result.Happy Listening! LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

Last week we talked about some factors that influence behavior that are actually in your control. This week, we continue the conversation discussing a few more surprising factors we have influence over. I really love the last idea that Mike Fitch, CMHC shares in this episode! LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

There are many factors that influence our children's behavior that are out of our control.  However, we are lucky that there are some factors that are in our control.  In this week's and next week's episode, we will teach you some fundamentals to creating an environment which fosters good behavior.  If some of these fundamentals are missing, it's not really fair to expect our kids to behave well. Listen this week and next week to learn what you can do to help your children behave their best. To check out Part 2, go here. LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

So this is going to be a shorter training today to give you one specific tool to start implementing right away and start to see results. But let me tell you a little why I wanted to use this. I recently read a really popular parenting book that is SO good in SO many ways.  However, it suggests using a couple warnings before you follow through so that your child has a chance to change their behavior. When I read it, I thought “This sounds really great and I'm going to start using this in my home.” We started using it and we saw really good results pretty quickly. But then after a couple of weeks we literally started hearing our kids say, “Oh, you get to ask me one more time before I have to do it.” I thought, “No! That is not the point of this.” Today, Jeff Tesch, LMFT is going to teach us why warnings are sabotaging our parenting and what we should do instead.   LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW Jeff Tesch, LMFT What Could Cut Misbehavior in Half I had two families in yesterday. Both of them have kids that are out of control. Some of the hardest stuff that I've seen.  The kids in the family we very, very defiant. The parents had tried taking everything away to motivate the kids to behave better.  But as I got to know them better I found that both moms were giving all kinds of warnings and all kinds of second chances. So I told both of them something I have been saying a lot lately and I truly believe this. If every parent across this country stopped using warnings, second chances and giving into fits, I think half the behavior in all of our kids would disappear. I feel that strongly about it because I just see it over and over, year after year, and family after family.  That once parents stop giving warnings and second chances before giving a consequence, a child’s behavior drastically improves. The Problem With Warnings Warnings and second chances simply allow negative behaviors to continue. Kids know when they’re parents are serious.  They will continue to use unwanted behaviors until they know that you are serious.  I have kids in my office admitting to me that they know when their parent is finally serious and that they just don't care about warnings. Giving warnings is a process that really gets parents worked up. What if your kids knew you were serious on the first ask?  How much frustration, nagging, anger, and yelling would that save you? Why Parents Give Warnings In some cases, parents give warnings because they are trying to be nice and patient.  They don’t want their child to experience an uncomfortable consequence because they hurt when their child hurts. In other cases, parents give warnings because following through with a consequence can be really inconvenient. What to Do Instead of Giving Warnings We can cut out all that middle stuff where we're wearing out and it's not providing anything by just not using warnings. If you’ve been clear with your child about an expectation, they know exactly what's expected, then do not use a warning. Example: If you teach your child very clearly, “you may never hit your sibling.” You should never, ever say when that child hits, “If you do it again, there's going to be a consequence.” If the behavior occurs, use the consequence immediately. What About Second Chances? The second chance thing is so similar to warnings. Let’s use the hitting example again.  Your child hits their brother and you say “Uh oh, you hit your brother.  It’s time for your consequence.” Then your child starts saying “Please, please. One more try. I'll do better. I promise I won't hit. I'm so sorry. “ And even comes and gives us a hug and an  “I love you mommy”. It can be tempting to give him another chance! I get it! I’ve been there.  However, that leads to the child begging for a second every time, which is a lot of hassle. If a child breaks a rule, we just need to follow through with a consequence immediately.

If you are dealing with behavior that never seems to improve, you're in the right place. As parents of strong-willed kids, there can be a possibility that your child is dealing with an abnormality in their functioning.  They could have inherited or developed anxiety, ADHD, depression, or autism, just to name a few.  A professional's help is needed to get a clear diagnosis. We often get asked: "How do I know if I need to seek professional help for my child? Where do I go if I do think they need professional help?" We seek to answer both those questions and more in today's episode. LISTEN ABOVE OR READ THE SUMMARY BELOW Mike Fitch, CMHC   What Kind of Counselor Should I Be Looking For It can be overwhelming because there’s a lot of different kinds of mental health professionals. There’s clinical mental health counselors, licensed marriage family therapists, licensed clinical social workers, and even family physicians. So Mike is going to talk us through where we would go next if we think that there's something additional going on with our child. **We strongly recommend seeing a physician first.  A child who feels poorly may behave poorly.  Talk to your physician about doing blood work to check for food allergies, nutrient deficiencies, thyroid function, etc.** It is common to get confused and not sure where to go. So I first want to clear those little acronyms behind all of our names. Master’s Degree Level of Licensure LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist)- therapists who special in doing family therapy or doing couples therapy. CMHC (Clinical Mental Health Counselor)- These therapists usually specialize in one area.  However, CMHC does not indicate to you what type of therapy.  CMHCs can specialize anywhere from early childhood to geriatrics. So you may have to seek out a little bit more information. LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)- These are individuals that originally got their degree to do social work within a hospital or to do case work. Back in the early seventies because there was a lack of availability for psychiatrists and psychologists. Therefore, LCSW were allowed to start doing individual therapy as well. All the people with the master's level degree typically do what’s called talk therapy. They don't do a whole lot of psychological assessments and cannot prescribe medications. PhD Degree Level of Licensure If you want your child to have a full psychological assessment, you have to go up to the PhD level. They can do what's called a psychological assessment or neuro psycho neuro assessment. Normally it takes a full day to a couple of days to do that. I typically send people to psychologist when they're having extreme problems. Most of the time you do not want to start off with a psychologist. If you're going to start off from the counseling setting, you probably want to start off with one of the masters levels. They're more accessible and less expensive typically. Usually parents just need some tools and some coaching. Who Would Benefit From a Master’s Degree Level Counselor If you feel your child might have OCD, ADHD, ODD or autism this would be a good place to start. If the counselor feels like it's a little bit out of their comfort zone, they could refer you on to the PHD level. Your First Visit With a Counselor On the first visit, I usually see just the parents. Typically, the parents don’t even have a diagnosis in mind.  I like to talk to them about what the parent is worried about.  Honestly, they usually say, “My child is not listening, my child's not doing well in school. My child is afraid or my child won't go to sleep. Something's off.” After that first appointment, I'm do some assessments myself. If I do decide that it does look like autism, we would refer them to a PhD level of licensure.  The Master’s level of licensure is not allowed to diagnose autism.  However, after they've done the diagnosis, they typically send them back to me.

Last week, we talked about helping our kids become more empathetic.  In this companion episode, we teach you how to help your children develop the critical life skill of offering apologies.  The steps taught are so simple are so powerful.  This is a must listen for everyone! (hint: you could even take notes for yourself.  This episode has helped me a ton) LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

A question we get asked repeatedly is "How do I teach my child empathy?"  As parents, we want our kids to be concerned about the feelings of others, to be empathetic. Today's episode is full of tips to help your children see things from other's perspective and help them show empathy to others. LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

Our world is full of tragedies, natural disasters, and violence.  It isn't uncommon for these events to frighten our children or cause an increase in their anxiety.  With so many such events occurring recently, we wanted to create a podcast that would coach parents through talking to kids about tragedies and helping them feel calm after they've occurred. I learned so many new things recording this episode that will forever change how I handle tragedies with my kids.   LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!

If you have multiple kids in your home and those kids don't always get along, then today's episode is for you.  In this episode you will learn specific steps for solving sibling squabbles.  I always love how Jeff teaches solutions to our parenting issues in a way that simplifies our parenting instead of complicating it and today is no exception! Here's to fewer sibling squabbles in all our homes! LISTEN ABOVE.  A BLOG POST VERSION OF THIS PODCAST WILL BE COMING SOON!