Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

PBSE Podcast Episode 286, follows the journey of a man in early recovery who is not content with simply staying away from pornography—he wants to feel a deep emotional aversion to it. The article explores this desire for integrity and congruence, addressing how many men feel torn between what they know is harmful and what they are still wired to find stimulating. It offers a compassionate view that acknowledges sexuality as a core part of being human, emphasizing that true recovery doesn't suppress desire but matures and redirects it toward healthy connection.Through sections on humanizing porn, defining the difference between lust and attraction, and learning to pause when urges arise, the article challenges cultural and internalized messages that shame desire. It teaches that feeling drawn to something doesn't mean you're broken—it means you're human. The key is learning to observe, question, and understand those urges, transforming them into opportunities for insight and growth rather than reaction and shame.Ultimately, the article encourages men to pursue a deeper kind of freedom—one that goes beyond abstinence and seeks wholeness. It invites them to reclaim their desires for good, to see their sexuality as something sacred and powerful when channeled intentionally, and to build lives of authentic connection. It's a call to courage, honesty, and hope—because the path to becoming a man of integrity isn't just possible, it's transformative.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: I'm Staying Away from Porn, But I Want to FEEL Repulsed by it. How?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In relationships impacted by sexual addiction and betrayal trauma, performance anxiety often becomes more than a physical issue—it's a symptom of deeper emotional disconnection, trauma, and mistrust. Drawing from a heartfelt message submitted to the PBSE Podcast, Episode 285 delves into how men in recovery may find themselves crippled by shame when they're unable to sexually perform, especially when performance was once their only perceived value in the relationship. For betrayed partners, these failures often reignite fears of rejection, acting out, or hidden deception, leading to a volatile cycle of pain, blame, and miscommunication.The article explores how cultural messaging around masculinity and sex—especially the notion that a man's worth is tied to his ability to achieve an erection—intensifies this dynamic, adding unrealistic pressure and reinforcing shame. It highlights the need for couples to step back and rebuild trust by fostering open, vulnerable conversations and addressing trauma honestly. Rather than focusing solely on sexual fixes, it encourages couples to build emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy so that sexual connection becomes a natural, healthy expression of deeper relational safety.Ultimately, the article challenges the idea that sex should lead recovery. Instead, it proposes that sex should follow emotional reconnection, not precede it. By stepping away from cultural stereotypes and performance-based self-worth, and by prioritizing safety and mutual understanding, couples can begin to move from a place of wounding toward a foundation of healing and authentic connection—inside and outside the bedroom.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Performance Anxiety" is Creating a WALL Betwen Me & My Betrayed Partner! What Advice do you have?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 284 of the PBSE podcast, we dive into the harrowing story of a woman navigating her husband's sudden shift from sex addiction recovery to identifying as polyamorous. After years of pain, betrayal, and dedicated recovery work, she's now facing a radical alteration in the foundation of their relationship. Her husband demands acceptance of his new identity, while she grapples with whether this is a genuine expression of self or a veiled escape from the demands of sobriety and responsibility.Throughout the episode, we explore three critical pillars of relationship health: authenticity, acceptance, and compatibility. Authenticity means being true to oneself—but also responsibly evaluating which parts of the self to honor when they are in conflict. Acceptance involves respecting another's path without necessarily agreeing with or adopting it. And compatibility is the often-overlooked requirement for sustainable connection—two people must share enough vision, values, and direction for the relationship to survive.In the end, we encourage listeners, especially betrayed partners, to hold fast to their own truth. While love is a powerful force, it cannot override a lack of compatibility. We challenge the idea that acceptance means self-abandonment and remind everyone that choosing to walk a different path from a partner does not mean you're unloving—it means you're honoring the core of who you are.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: My Addict Partner is Now Identifying as "Polyamorous" and I Don't Agree. Now What? Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

This PBSE episode (#283) delves into the delicate issue of couples disagreeing about boundaries during addiction recovery. It begins by emphasizing that boundaries exist to protect authenticity and safety rather than to control others, underscoring the need for each partner to clarify and communicate their genuine wants and needs. The addict's resistance often stems from deeper issues like shame, pride, and a desire for autonomy, which can lead to avoidance and reactive recovery rather than proactive healing. The authors stress that open dialogue—where both parties seek to understand the underlying fears and desires driving their positions—is essential to move beyond rigid standoffs.If authentic collaboration fails, the article acknowledges the possibility of fundamental incompatibility, where the couple may need to assess whether their needs can coexist without compromising personal safety or integrity. This process is not about punishment but about recognizing the natural outcomes of unmet needs. The authors introduce the concept of outcomes versus consequences, reframing boundary enforcement as self-preservation rather than retribution, which helps reduce defensiveness and fosters healthier communication dynamics.Consistent, transparent communication remains a cornerstone throughout the boundary-setting process, allowing both partners to navigate challenges proactively while reinforcing their commitment to mutual growth. The article ultimately frames boundaries as opportunities for deeper connection, healing, and intimacy. Whether couples find alignment or face difficult decisions about their compatibility, authentic boundary work offers a transformative path toward lasting relational health and personal well-being.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: What if my Addict Partner and I Disagree About Boundaries—Now What?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

PBSE Podcast Episode 282 tackles the emotionally complex question many betrayed partners face: “How long should my former addict partner maintain sobriety and recovery before I consider getting back with him?” Rather than offering a simple timeline, it reframes the question to focus on the quality and consistency of change in both partners. The article underscores that while time matters, what matters more is whether the former addict has shown verifiable growth—emotionally, behaviorally, and relationally. It also explores the partner's own healing journey, highlighting that reconciliation can only be healthy if both individuals are actively working toward personal recovery.Key concepts such as healthy interdependence, compatibility of emotional wants and needs, and the importance of dismantling codependency are explored in depth. The article argues that rebuilding a relationship requires a fresh foundation, not a return to old dynamics. It emphasizes the need to assess past relationship patterns honestly and cautions against letting nostalgia or loneliness drive decisions. Trial periods, structured re-engagement, and gradual “re-dating” are presented as useful tools for observing change before committing to full reunification.Ultimately, the article advises that while a minimum of six months to a year of sustained recovery might serve as a general benchmark, it's not the time alone that matters—it's what's been done with that time. Reconciliation should be based on real, observable transformation, not promises or hopeful thinking. When both partners take ownership of their healing and work toward becoming emotionally whole individuals, the possibility for reconnection becomes both healthier and more sustainable.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: How Long Should My Former Addict Partner Maintain Sobriety and Recovery Before I Consider Getting Back with Him? Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

PBSE Podcast Episode 281, tackles the painful and familiar experience of betrayed partners who live in a constant state of anxiety, waiting for the next betrayal to surface. Centering around a listener's heartfelt submission, the article outlines the emotional toll of repeated trauma, especially in relationships where staggered disclosures have prolonged the hurt. Despite doing some recovery work, the listener still struggles with fear, mistrust, and a lack of emotional safety, highlighting the core issue: how to move forward without continually bracing for disaster.The discussion focuses on reclaiming personal power through sovereignty, healthy boundaries, and authentic voice. It emphasizes that although the betrayed partner did not cause the trauma, healing requires active steps toward self-care and emotional clarity. Instead of controlling a partner's actions, effective boundaries are framed around one's own needs, expectations, and non-negotiables. The hosts challenge the traditional model of boundary-setting, shifting the focus from rule enforcement to emotional empowerment. They also stress the importance of clearly communicating pain—not as a weapon, but as an invitation to intimacy and healing.Ultimately, the episode encourages partners to prioritize themselves first. Whether or not the relationship survives, their well-being, authenticity, and voice matter most. Real connection, the kind partners yearn for, is only possible when both individuals show up with honesty and accountability. If the addict partner is unwilling or unable to do that, the betrayed partner can still reclaim safety, peace, and purpose. Through programs like Dare to Connect and a strong support network, partners can stop waiting for catastrophe and instead begin living intentionally, boldly, and on their own terms.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  As a Betrayed Partner, How Do I Stop Waiting Around for the Rug to be Pulled Out from Under Me—Again?!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In PBSE Episode 280, Mark & Steve address the complex challenge faced by betrayed partners—especially those healing from porn or sex addiction in their relationships—who want to guide their teenage children toward healthy sexuality. It begins by acknowledging the emotional burden and conflict many betrayed partners feel, especially when trying to teach their children something they themselves are still struggling to reclaim. Drawing from a listener's heartfelt question, the hosts emphasize that children are already receiving sexual messaging from the world around them, making it crucial that parents step up to provide a healthy, grounded counter-narrative rooted in respect, consent, and emotional connection.The article challenges the outdated concept of “the talk” by promoting a new paradigm: sexuality should be an ongoing, evolving, and age-appropriate conversation that unfolds over years, not moments. Parents are encouraged to reflect on their own stories, recognize internal shame or awkwardness, and ensure that their emotional energy during these talks doesn't unintentionally pass discomfort or judgment onto their children. The authors stress that kids are emotional sponges, and how parents talk about sex—more than just what they say—deeply influences how their children feel about their own bodies, desires, and relationships. This is why intentionality and preparation matter more than perfection.Practical tools and resources are also discussed, such as those from Fight the New Drug, Defend Young Minds, and Covenant Eyes. The article affirms that even when a co-parent is absent or unsafe to engage in these conversations, there are still ways to ensure kids have positive, trustworthy influences. By speaking truthfully, embracing healthy sexual values, and modeling openness, betrayed partners can break generational cycles of secrecy, shame, and dysfunction. Each conversation—no matter how imperfect—is a step toward a legacy of empowerment, honesty, and loving connection.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  As a Betrayed Partner, How do I Talk to my Teenage Kids About Healthy Sexuality?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

PBSE Podcast 279 confronts the painful contradiction many addicts face: a deep longing for intimate connection paired with a habitual avoidance of it. Through a heartfelt partner's submission and personal reflections, Mark and Steve illustrate how addiction, as an intimacy disorder, fuels this cycle of wanting but not acting—of making promises without follow-through. The core issue often isn't a lack of sincerity, but a profound disconnection from self, rooted in fear, shame, and survival-based behaviors that sabotage the very closeness being sought.Mark & Steve emphasize that real intimacy demands risk, consistency, and emotional presence—there's no “door number three” that offers closeness without vulnerability. Acting out behaviors like pornography offer a counterfeit form of connection without the discomfort of being seen or rejected. But for true healing and trust to take root, addicts must stop hiding behind avoidance and start showing up authentically, even if the steps are small. It's about shifting from vocalizing good intentions to building consistent habits of connection.Ultimately, the article issues a powerful call to action for those in recovery: don't just say you want intimacy—prove it. Begin where you are, but begin. For partners still offering connection, your continued hope is meaningful, but it must be met with effort. And for addicts, real change starts not with grand declarations, but with the next honest, intentional step toward your partner and yourself.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  Do you REALLY want Intimate CONNECTION or Not?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this PBSE episode (#278), Mark & Steve delve deeply into a critical topic for betrayed partners—After enduring the deep wounds of a marriage ending due to porn addiction, stepping back into the dating world requires tremendous courage, self-awareness, and intentional preparation. We encourage betrayed partners to first focus inward, engaging in compassionate self-analysis to better understand past relational dynamics. Exploring areas like intuition, self-trust, self-esteem, and emotional dependency empowers betrayed partners to move forward not with fear, but with wisdom and strength. Becoming the most authentic, grounded version of oneself is the true safeguard against repeating old patterns and lays the foundation for building future healthy relationships.In today's culture, pornography exposure is virtually universal, making it essential to approach dating with realism rather than idealism. The goal isn't to find someone untouched by porn but to find someone who has a healthy, honest relationship with their sexuality and emotions. Asking direct, vulnerable questions early in the dating process—such as inquiries about pornography use, emotional openness, and personal growth—helps quickly reveal whether a potential partner can offer true intimacy, honesty, and emotional safety. Partners must prioritize open communication and trust their intuition, recognizing that how someone responds to vulnerability tells them much about future relational potential.Ultimately, despite the heartbreak of the past, the future holds great promise for those who choose growth and self-empowerment. Betrayed partners are not broken; they are stronger, wiser, and more capable of building deep, lasting love than ever before. By focusing on personal healing, leading with authenticity, and refusing to settle for less than emotional honesty and maturity, individuals can find real, meaningful connections. The painful past becomes not an anchor, but a stepping stone into a richer, healthier future filled with hope, intimacy, and fulfillment.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  How Do I Navigate the Dating World After My Marriage Ended Due to Porn? Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

PBSE Episode 277 addresses a deeply personal and often overlooked consequence of pornography addiction: the loss of enjoyment in media that was once shared and meaningful within a relationship. The authors respond to a listener's question about whether he and his partner can ever again enjoy media that has been “pornified” through his addiction. They explain how sexual addiction often extends beyond explicit content to include distorted sexualization of characters and media, leading to feelings of betrayal, shame, and disconnection. The podcast highlights how the brain, once trained to objectify, cannot selectively compartmentalize those responses, making formerly innocent content triggering or painful.Recovery, the authors argue, begins with sobriety—creating enough distance from compulsive behaviors and media to assess its true impact. Only after detoxing can individuals and couples explore the question of reclaiming media in a healthy, intentional way. The process demands deep self-honesty, a redefinition of personal boundaries, and meaningful conversations with one's partner. Trust and safety must be reestablished through consistent behaviors, transparent communication, and a shared vision for healing. Practical tools like content filtering, media planning, and regular emotional check-ins are vital for navigating this journey thoughtfully and securely.Ultimately, the article offers hope: while some things may not return to their previous form, many aspects of media and connection can be redeemed. This requires letting go of black-and-white thinking and embracing a new, authentic relationship with media—one rooted in purpose, not compulsion. By learning to see people and experiences as whole, rather than as fragmented or sexualized, couples can rediscover joy, connection, and even innocence in their lives. The path forward may not restore what was lost in its original form, but it can lead to something even more meaningful—a deeper, shared way of living with clarity, connection, and freedom.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  My Habit of "Pornifying" Everything has Ruined EnJoyable Media for Me & My Partner!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Episode 276 addresses a question often asked by partners of addicts in recovery: “Do I have to wait for the formal amends process before I see real change?” The authors explain that real transformation in recovery should not be postponed until Steps 8 and 9 of the 12-step model. They draw a clear distinction between a simple apology and the deeper process of making amends, emphasizing that true recovery begins with personal accountability, transparency, and a willingness to face difficult truths—not with a formal ceremony or set timeline. Waiting for a specific step to begin meaningful repair in a relationship is not only unnecessary, but often counterproductive.The article also explores why addicts may avoid transparency, citing both nefarious and sincere motivations. Some use recovery language as a shield to delay vulnerability or to avoid accountability, a behavior referred to as “weaponizing recovery.” Others may believe they need to handle everything on their own, often stemming from unhealthy family systems or distorted beliefs about responsibility. These patterns, while sometimes well-intentioned, still prevent the growth and emotional openness necessary for healing. The authors stress that full transparency should begin early in recovery, as emotional honesty is foundational for any real connection or rebuilding of trust.For betrayed partners, the article offers a roadmap for reclaiming personal empowerment. It encourages them to build outside support systems, gain clarity about their own needs, and hold firm boundaries—not as a means of controlling their partner's behavior, but to protect their own healing. The message is clear: real recovery is demonstrated through consistent honesty, presence, and vulnerability long before any formal amends are made. Partners do not have to—and should not—wait for a specific step before expecting accountability and meaningful change.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  Do I Have to Wait for "Formal Amends" Process Before My Addict Partner Shows Any Real Change?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

This PBSE episode (275), inspired by a listener's vulnerable question, dives deep into the emotional complexity of intimacy in long-term relationships—particularly when one partner has struggled with pornography addiction. The woman asks how her husband can look “past” her aging body and be genuinely aroused by real love. Her question reveals the pain of feeling invisible or undesired and touches on the widespread cultural belief that sexual attraction is rigid and solely tied to youth or physical perfection. The article dismantles this myth, showing that arousal is not a static, uncontrollable instinct, but a moldable response shaped by years of influence, experience, and personal choices.Mark and Steve, speaking from their own journeys of recovery and their work with countless clients, explain how pornography warps the arousal template, training the brain to see only surface-level stimulation while disconnecting from emotional and spiritual depth. But through consistent personal work, emotional vulnerability, and intentional connection, that template can be rewritten. Real-life examples—like a therapist who found arousal in his wife's post-mastectomy scars—illustrate that true desire comes not from ignoring reality, but from embracing it. The physical becomes more meaningful, not less, when it's rooted in shared experience, loyalty, admiration, and love.Ultimately, the article reframes arousal not as something to “look past,” but as something to “look through”—to see the fullness of a partner, body and soul. It calls both partners to re-engage in intimacy with eyes wide open, choosing to cultivate love through emotional connection and shared meaning. The grand takeaway is that authentic, meaningful love is not only enough to spark desire—it's the most powerful and lasting form of arousal there is.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  How Can He "Look Past" My Body & Be Aroused by Real Love?!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

This PBSE Podcast Episode 274, centers on a partner's heartfelt account of feeling objectified and emotionally disconnected during sex with her spouse, who is in recovery from porn addiction. Though he has given up porn and masturbation, their intimacy remains one-sided, leaving her feeling like a replacement for his addiction rather than a true partner in connection. Mark and Steve explore how sobriety alone isn't enough—emotional growth, mindfulness, and a complete rewiring of sexual expectations are essential for healing.Through neuroscience, they unpack how porn addiction distorts the brain's wiring around sex, creating a dopamine-driven pattern that prioritizes climax over connection. Recovery, then, requires more than behavioral change; it calls for a transformation of mindset, unlearning toxic scripts, and rebuilding intimacy through vulnerability and presence. The metaphor of “remodeling” becomes central: couples must tear down broken patterns and collaboratively design a new vision for their sexual relationship.Ultimately, the article calls couples to take back authorship of their story by replacing silence, shame, and autopilot sex with curiosity, honesty, and shared desire. With intention and effort, couples can elevate their sexual connection from a mechanical act to a space of mutual pleasure and deep intimacy—if they are willing to write that new narrative together.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  Sed Isn't Mutually Pleasurable in our Relationship. Howe do We Elevate the Experience?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this episode (273) of the PBSE podcast, hosts Mark and Steve respond to a heartfelt message from a betrayed partner whose addict spouse keeps saying he's “sorry” and that he's “trying,” yet still fails to meet her emotional needs. The conversation highlights the profound frustration and exhaustion that many partners feel as they repeatedly express their pain and needs, only to be met with minimal awareness or inconsistent effort. The hosts emphasize that while an addict may be sincere in their apologies, sincerity without emotional capacity or real change isn't enough to rebuild trust or connection.The article goes on to explore the concept of emotional “capacity,” explaining that in early recovery, addicts often lack the internal tools needed to hold space for their partner's pain. This isn't to excuse poor behavior, but to help partners understand why they may be feeling unseen or invalidated despite their partner's promises. Mark and Steve caution against the common trap of overextending emotional energy in hopes of breakthrough and instead stress the need for healthy, clearly defined boundaries. These boundaries are framed not as threats or punishments but as vital self-protection—ways to maintain one's authenticity, dignity, and well-being when the addict is not yet capable of genuine connection.Ultimately, the article challenges readers to reflect on compatibility, effort, and emotional sustainability within the relationship. It encourages betrayed partners to gain clarity around their own values, needs, and limits, while recognizing the difference between compliance and real change. Whether a partner is able to rise to the occasion or not, the message is clear: you are not alone, your needs are valid, and healing—whether together or apart—is possible with the right tools, support, and boundaries in place.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  My Addict Partner Keeps saying "Sorry" and He's "Trying," but He's NOT Meeting my Real Needs!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 272, Mark & Steve focus in on how porn and sex addiction recovery goes beyond mere sobriety; it requires ongoing emotional growth, accountability, and engagement to rebuild trust in a relationship. Many betrayed partners of addicts feel heightened anxiety when their spouse steps back from recovery efforts, fearing a return to old behaviors or an emotional disconnect. True recovery is not just about avoiding addictive behaviors but about healing the underlying patterns that led to them, fostering emotional awareness, and strengthening the relationship through consistent effort and transparency.When a porn and sex addict becomes complacent, their betrayed partner often feels abandoned and overwhelmed by the responsibility of keeping the relationship intact. Healing from betrayal trauma is a long process, and a lack of continued commitment from the addict can be as triggering as a relapse. Without active engagement, old habits resurface, emotional intimacy deteriorates, and the relationship becomes strained. Recovery requires ongoing accountability, self-reflection, and a proactive approach to maintaining personal and relational growth.Moving forward, addicts must embrace a lifelong commitment to self-improvement, emotional intelligence, and relational healing. Transparency, consistency, and empathy are essential to rebuilding trust and ensuring that both partners feel secure in the relationship. Recovery is not a finish line but a continuous journey, requiring dedication from both individuals to foster a deeper, more fulfilling connection.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "My Addict Partner Has "Backed Off " from His Recovery. Why Can't He See it's About More Than Just Being "Sober"?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this PBSE Episode 271, Mark & Steve discuss how recovery is not an individual journey—it affects relationships, families, and even future generations. While addicts may believe they can navigate healing alone, true recovery requires transparency, accountability, and a willingness to rebuild trust through consistent actions, not just words. When a partner has been betrayed, expecting them to trust blindly without verification is both unrealistic and dismissive of their pain. Recovery must involve measures that ensure honesty, such as full disclosure, accountability software, and open communication. A recovering addict who resists these steps often signals deeper issues, such as shame, denial, or a reluctance to fully commit to change.Additionally, addiction's impact extends beyond the marriage. In homes where secrecy and avoidance dominate, children are more likely to mirror those behaviors, reinforcing cycles of addiction, dishonesty, and manipulation. Parents have a responsibility to create a safe environment, modeling integrity and setting boundaries to protect their children from destructive influences. Arguments that dismiss tools like porn blockers ignore the fact that true accountability isn't about restricting freedom, but about fostering an environment where trust can be restored and maintained. The choices made in recovery don't just determine personal healing—they shape the household and future generations.Ultimately, recovery is about more than abstaining from harmful behaviors—it's about transformation. An addict must decide whether to continue protecting their addiction or to prioritize their relationship. True healing requires humility, vulnerability, and an openness to change. A strong, healthy relationship cannot be built on secrecy and self-reliance alone; it thrives on honesty, connection, and mutual effort. The path forward isn't just about fixing what was broken—it's about creating something stronger than before.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Recovery is My Choice, so I Don't Need Her Help Making Choices . . . Right?"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 270, Mark & Steve respond to a submission and questions by a betrayed Partner. When a partner admits to a porn or sex addiction but fails to take meaningful steps toward recovery, the betrayed partner is left in a painful cycle of hope and disappointment. While honesty is an essential first step, it is meaningless without action, and waiting for change that never comes can be emotionally exhausting. Many betrayed partners find themselves questioning whether they are expecting too much, but true recovery requires more than words—it demands consistent effort, emotional vulnerability, and a willingness to grow. Without this, the relationship remains stagnant, causing frustration and deep wounds of mistrust.A significant challenge in this situation is distinguishing between a lack of willingness and a lack of ability. If a partner wants to change but does not know how, they can be guided toward growth through therapy, support groups, and self-development. However, if they are simply unwilling, no amount of pressure or encouragement will create lasting change. Betrayed partners often wait in limbo, hoping for progress, only to find themselves stuck in a pattern of broken promises. This waiting can become an unbearable burden, leading to emotional detachment and self-doubt.Ultimately, each betrayed partner must decide how long they are willing to wait. Boundaries must be set, not as a means of controlling the addict, but to protect one's own emotional well-being. If a partner refuses to take accountability and do the work, then it may be necessary to walk away in order to preserve self-worth and personal growth. Recovery and healing are possible, but they require mutual effort. By recognizing the difference between empty words and genuine change, betrayed partners can reclaim their agency and move forward toward a healthier, more fulfilling future.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  My Partner FINALLY Admitted His Porn Addiction, but He Won't Do Recovery Work or Open Up. What Can I Do?!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

This episode (#269) explores the profound challenges faced by partners who struggle to remain in relationships after uncovering their loved one's history of addiction and betrayal. Drawing from insights shared by Mark and Steve on the PBSE Podcast, it delves into the emotional aftermath of betrayal trauma, including feelings of disgust, mistrust, and identity crises. The episode highlights how such revelations can shatter the foundation of trust, leaving partners questioning their judgment and self-worth. It outlines how betrayal trauma extends beyond the relationship, affecting mental health, social interactions, and personal confidence. The role of societal pressures is also explored, revealing how external expectations can complicate the decision to stay or leave.The episode emphasizes that healing from betrayal is a gradual, non-linear process that demands time, consistency, and emotional insight. It stresses the importance of observing genuine behavioral changes in the recovering partner, such as ongoing transparency, accountability, and emotional awareness. The concept of the “pink cloud” phase in recovery is discussed, warning partners against being misled by temporary enthusiasm. Strategies for navigating emotional triggers are provided, including mindfulness, journaling, and setting healthy boundaries. The episode also introduces the concept of post-traumatic growth, encouraging partners to redefine their narratives, rediscover their sense of self, and find strength in their journey. Through self-reflection and personal development, partners can develop the resilience needed to make informed decisions about their future.Ultimately, the episode underscores that the decision to stay or leave a relationship after betrayal is deeply personal. It emphasizes that there is no right or wrong choice, only what aligns with the partner's values, needs, and long-term vision for happiness. The process of rebuilding trust is described as a slow, deliberate journey, rooted in mutual respect, transparency, and emotional growth. Support systems such as counseling, support groups, and trusted friendships are highlighted as essential resources in this journey. The episode concludes by asserting that recovery and reconciliation are possible when both partners commit to authentic change. With transparency, patience, and self-awareness, a renewed relationship can emerge—one that may be even stronger and more resilient than before.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: I Know My Partner is Positively Changing, BUT How Can I Stay with a Man Who Did Such Horrible Things in His Addiction?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at: 

This PBSE episode #268, we talk about how recovery is an intensive and transformative journey that goes beyond breaking free from addiction and trauma—it is about rediscovering authenticity, self-worth, and emotional resilience. The process involves patience, self-compassion, and an openness to growth, allowing individuals to step into a life that is vibrant and unshackled from past wounds. Through recovery, people transition from survival mode, where they expend energy on hiding, escaping, or maintaining a façade, to truly living with presence, purpose, and a deeper appreciation for life's possibilities.At the heart of recovery is self-love, which serves as the foundation for long-term healing. Many individuals struggle with feelings of unworthiness, shaped by past traumas and destructive behaviors, but learning to nurture oneself through self-care, self-acceptance, and emotional vulnerability creates a newfound sense of empowerment. When individuals cultivate self-love, they develop resilience, set boundaries, and form healthier relationships that are built on authenticity rather than fear or dependency.The ultimate goal of recovery is not just to avoid relapse but to build a life rich with meaning, joy, and fulfillment. By reclaiming personal power and embracing growth, those in recovery discover a life that is worth fighting for—one where they are no longer prisoners of their past but architects of their future. The journey may be challenging, but the reward is an existence filled with deeper connections, genuine happiness, and the freedom to create a future rooted in purpose and authenticity.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "What is All This Recovery & Healing Work For? Is it Worth It? Why?"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

When a porn/sex addict enters recovery, their personality can shift drastically, often surprising their partner. Many addicts who once seemed pleasant, passive, or easygoing suddenly become irritable, defensive, or even aggressive. This shift is largely due to the withdrawal process, in which they must face emotions they have long avoided through addiction. Many addicts began using their addiction as an emotional escape at a young age, leading to stunted emotional development. When they remove their primary coping mechanism, they are left to deal with life's challenges without the emotional tools necessary to handle them, often resulting in frustration, mood swings, and difficulty managing conflict in a mature way.In a past PBSE podcast, we talk about the risk of an "Addict in Recovery Weaponizing his Weaknesses as a Reason to NOT Commit to and Live Real Recovery"For betrayed partners, this sudden change can feel overwhelming and even unfair. After enduring deception, emotional turmoil, and the initial shock of addiction, they are now faced with an unpredictable partner who seems more difficult than ever. Many partners experience fear and uncertainty, questioning whether their partner's previous personality was just a mask created by addiction. Additionally, the shifting dynamics in the relationship can be jarring—while addiction often fosters avoidance and passivity, recovery forces the addict to engage more actively in their emotions, sometimes in an unhealthy or unregulated way. This can leave partners feeling stuck in an emotional whirlwind, unsure of how to proceed or whether healing is even possible.In a previous PBSE podcast, Mark & Steve talk about how it is very normal and understandable for a Betrayed Partner to Feel Resentment Toward Her Addict Partner! How can She Manage This?!Despite these challenges, there are ways for both addicts and their partners to navigate this difficult stage. Establishing clear boundaries, creating safe communication strategies, and seeking external support systems are essential steps in maintaining stability. Partners must focus on their own healing, ensuring they are prioritizing self-care and emotional well-being, rather than solely focusing on the addict's progress. Likewise, addicts must take responsibility for their emotional regulation and work toward developing healthier coping strategies. Though recovery can initially feel like a storm of heightened emotions, with time, patience, and the right support, couples can emerge stronger and more connected than ever.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  "Since Getting into Recovery, my Porn/Sex Addicted Partner went from Pleasant to Angry and Aggressive! What is going on???"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 266, Mark & Steve respond to a raw and heart-felt submission by a betrayed partner. They explore the complexities of sex addiction and betrayal trauma, addressing whether compulsive sexual behaviors stem from addiction or are simply acts of revenge in a relationship. It highlights the secrecy, justification, and emotional dysfunction that often accompany addiction, emphasizing that acting out is rarely just about sex but more about numbing emotional distress. The unpredictability of an addict's behavior can be deeply confusing for their partner, as they cycle through periods of neglect and attentiveness. The article stresses that addiction is rarely resolved by sheer willpower and requires structured recovery efforts, therapy, and accountability.Here's a past PBSE podcast that deals with what justifications around "porn substitutes" not being within the realm of addiction—"It's NOT an Addiction if I'm Only Using “Porn Substitutes”—Right???"The emotional rollercoaster experienced by partners of addicts is another key focus. Many addicts may exhibit changed behavior when confronted with the potential loss of their relationship, but true recovery is determined by long-term consistency and genuine effort, not temporary remorse. The article warns against false promises like “I can stop anytime” and highlights that sustainable change requires addressing the underlying emotional wounds that drive compulsive behaviors. Without proper intervention, the cycle of betrayal and relapse is likely to continue.Finally, the article urges partners to set firm boundaries, demand real accountability, and not rely on verbal reassurances alone. True healing involves transparency, commitment, and professional support. Partners are encouraged to focus on their own healing by seeking therapy and support networks, as their emotional well-being is just as important as their partner's recovery. While hope is possible, it must be based on concrete actions rather than empty words, ensuring a safer and healthier path forward.For betrayed partners confused by their addict partner's mistreatment, here's a past PBSE podcast—The “Abuse Cycle” Par Two—The Impact of Abuse on Betrayal Trauma and HealingFor a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  "Is My Partner a Sex Addict or Just Getting Back at Me? He says He can Stop anytime."Is My Partner a Sex Addict or Just Getting Back at Me? He says He can Stop anytime.Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 265, Mark & Steve discuss how recovery from porn and sex addiction often begins with external motivators, such as wanting to “get clean for her” or save a relationship. These external pressures serve as a crucial starting point, especially when addicts feel incapable of self-driven change. However, while these motivations may bring someone to the recovery process, they alone are insufficient for long-term success. Sustained recovery requires a shift toward internal motivation, where individuals focus on long-term sobriety, self-improvement, personal growth, and reclaiming their self-worth. This transition, while gradual, enables addicts to build a foundation of resilience, fueled by intrinsic rewards like freedom, self-respect, and authenticity.Here's a past PBSE podcast article that asks the question—As an Addict, are you “Weaponizing your Weaknesses” as a Reason to NOT Commit to and Live “Real” Recovery?For betrayed partners, navigating the complexities of recovery can be particularly challenging. The cyclical nature of progress and relapse often leads to emotional exhaustion, underscoring the importance of setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care. Partners are encouraged to support recovery without taking ownership of the addict's journey, allowing them to decide what they are willing to tolerate. Recovery for couples requires open communication and mutual respect, creating opportunities to rebuild trust and foster collaboration. When both parties commit to growth, the relationship becomes stronger and more fulfilling over time.In a past PBSE podcast, Mark & Steve address a very painful question that betrayed partners often ask—Do I Have to Accept that my Addict Partner, even in Successful Recovery, could Betray Me Again?!Another critical misconception in recovery is the idea of hitting “rock bottom” as a prerequisite for change. While dramatic wake-up calls can sometimes prompt action, lasting recovery stems from deliberate decisions, education, and early intervention. Addicts are encouraged to develop a support network and focus on internal transformation rather than external pressure. Ultimately, recovery is a progressive and collaborative process. By embracing setbacks as opportunities for growth and fostering open communication, addicts and their partners can cultivate a life of integrity, authenticity, and connection.In this PBSE podcast episode, Mark & Steve help addicts in recovery and their betrayed partners in "Defining Slips & Relapses"For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  "As a Porn/sex Addict, does, "I Want to Get Clean for Her," or "Be Worthy of Her," work as a motive for Real Recovery?"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In episode 264, Mark & Steve discuss how reconciling with a partner who has struggled with porn or sex addiction is a deeply personal and challenging decision that requires a thorough assessment of their recovery progress and the betrayed partner's own emotional readiness. The trauma of betrayal can leave partners feeling devastated and uncertain about the future, making it crucial to carefully consider whether the addict's changes are genuine and sustainable. True recovery is not just about abstinence; it involves consistent behavioral changes, emotional growth, and accountability. Partners must look for tangible signs of progress such as transparency, professional support, and a sincere effort to rebuild trust over time.Equally important in this journey is the establishment of firm, non-negotiable boundaries to ensure past mistakes are not repeated. Boundaries empower the betrayed partner to regain control over their healing while providing a framework for the relationship to move forward in a healthy way. At the same time, partners must take an honest look at their own readiness—processing past pain, ensuring they have a solid support system, and being willing to walk away if necessary. Self-care, therapy, and peer support can all play essential roles in this process.Reconciliation, if pursued, should be approached with caution and a structured plan, including gradual re-engagement and frequent check-ins to evaluate progress. Watching for red flags such as defensiveness, inconsistencies, and emotional manipulation is crucial to avoid further heartbreak. Ultimately, reconciliation is only worth the risk if both partners are fully committed to healing and growth, creating a foundation for a stronger, more honest relationship. Trusting one's instincts and prioritizing self-respect will be key in making the right decision.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  "My Porn/Sex Addict Partner Put Me Through Hell!  Now He's in Recovery & Wants to Reconcile—is it Worth the Risk?"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 263, Mark & Steve address the devastating impact of betrayal within relationships affected by porn or sex addiction, focusing on the pivotal question, How do I know when I know enough? It discusses the catastrophic effects of betrayal trauma, which shatters trust, devastates intimacy, and leaves partners questioning the foundation of their relationships. The process of recovery is explored through the lens of both betrayed and betraying partners, emphasizing the importance of transparency, patience, and professional guidance to rebuild trust and establish a sense of safety.This episode delves into the concept of "full disclosure," highlighting its limitations and the importance of balancing the need for transparency with the potential harm of unnecessary details. By navigating this delicate process with professional support, partners can identify what information is essential for healing and what may hinder progress. Disclosure is framed as a collaborative, evolving journey where both parties must engage in open communication and a shared commitment to healing, with a focus on long-term trust and emotional safety.Here's a past PBSE podcast that goes into much greater detail on what a Formal Disclosure Looks LikeBeyond disclosure, the episode emphasizes the importance of rebuilding safety, trust, and intimacy through ongoing accountability, transparency, and personal growth. It underscores that healing is a non-linear, deeply personal journey that requires resilience, intentionality, and mutual effort. While betrayal creates profound challenges, it also presents an opportunity for transformation and the possibility of redefining relationships in ways that prioritize honesty, connection, and growth.In a past PBSE podcast, Mark & Steve talk about that fact that There is NO Statute of Limitations on Feelings, Betrayal Trauma and Disclosure.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  "As the Betrayed Partner of a Porn/Sex Addict, How Do I Know if/When I Know Enough About His Secret Behaviors?"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 262, Mark & Steve examine the pervasive issue of defensiveness in relationships, particularly in the context of porn/sex addiction and betrayal trauma. They explain how defensiveness arises from fear, shame, and unresolved trauma, creating cycles of conflict that block emotional connection. The betrayed partner's reactions, often rooted in pain and self-preservation, can trigger defensive responses in the addict in recovery, escalating the divide. By shifting focus from being “right” to fostering empathy and understanding, couples can begin to dismantle these destructive patterns and move toward healing.The episode emphasizes the profound impact of betrayal on trust, illustrating how it disrupts safety and rewires the brain's survival mechanisms. Both partners must navigate their trauma responses with patience and compassion. Practical strategies such as practicing empathy, authenticity, and curiosity are highlighted as tools to transform conflict into opportunities for connection. Breaking free from defensive cycles requires intentional effort to understand each partner's perspective and address the root causes of their pain.The episode concludes by framing recovery as a collaborative effort, requiring commitment and support. Tools like therapy, support groups, and programs like Dare to Connect can help couples rebuild trust and create deeper intimacy. While the journey is challenging, it underscores the potential for relationships to thrive when defensiveness is replaced with genuine understanding and connection.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  Defensiveness is KILLING Our Relationship—What Do We DO?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 261, Mark & Steve discuss how porn and sex addicts often face tremendous challenges with honesty due to a combination of shame, fear, and deeply ingrained survival mechanisms. These barriers drive dishonesty, which erodes trust, isolates the addict, and prevents authentic connection. Partners, in turn, feel the sting of ongoing deceit even more deeply than the betrayal of the addictive behavior itself, leaving relationships fractured and intimacy impossible. The podcast highlights that dishonesty doesn't protect addicts or their loved ones—it isolates and destroys, creating cycles that are hard to escape.The journey to honesty begins with small steps, like admitting minor mistakes or practicing daily truth-telling. Developing self-worth through self-care, journaling, and reframing honesty as empowering rather than threatening is crucial. Accountability, both through trusted relationships and support networks, provides the necessary structure for this transformation. By addressing their fears and embracing transparency, addicts can break free from the isolating grip of dishonesty and start rebuilding their lives.Ultimately, honesty at all costs is the only path to true healing and connection. While the journey is difficult and requires vulnerability, it leads to greater self-acceptance, repaired relationships, and lasting recovery. Mark and Steve emphasize that honesty is not about perfection but about progress, and it offers a gateway to personal freedom and authentic living.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  Why Do Addicts Have Such a HARD Time Being HONEST?! How Can We DARE to Tell the TRUTH AT ALL COSTS?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Episode 260 explores the emotional challenges faced by partners of individuals struggling with addiction, focusing on reclaiming happiness and self-worth despite the heartbreak of repeated relapses. It begins by addressing the toll betrayal takes on trust and identity, emphasizing the need for partners to step away from old coping mechanisms and prioritize their emotional well-being. The concept of radical acceptance is introduced as a transformative tool, helping partners embrace the reality of their situation without blame or denial while focusing on areas where they have control.The importance of boundaries is central to this discussion, with practical examples on how to create and uphold boundaries that protect emotional health and align with personal values. The article highlights the significance of self-compassion, engaging in fulfilling activities, and seeking supportive communities or professional help to rebuild resilience and self-worth. Betrayed partners are encouraged to rewrite their narrative, shifting from victimhood to empowerment.Finally, the article underscores that happiness is a self-driven journey independent of an addicted partner's choices. By taking ownership of their happiness, partners can create a foundation for strength and stability while pursuing dreams and aspirations that reignite a sense of purpose. It is a call to action for partners to step into their power, build a fulfilling life, and embrace healing as a possibility.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "How Do I Get to Find Happiness Again When My Addict Partner Keeps Relapsing? How can I be OK, No Matter What?"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

The inspiration for Episode 259 comes from a heartfelt submission we received from a betrayed partner. Her words encapsulate a struggle that many couples in recovery face. She wrote:"It has been 18 months since D-Day, and my husband has been sober for six months. Recently, he went on a work trip, which already triggered a lot of anxiety for me. While he was there, I received a receipt for a movie he watched that contained nudity and sexual content. Even though I trust that he skipped the raunchy scenes, the issue is that there was no consideration for how this would make me feel.This has been a common theme in our marriage. I have so much compassion for how he got here, but it doesn't seem to go both ways. His sobriety is there, but the selfishness and entitlement don't seem to be shifting. I've asked for an in-home separation because I can't keep living like this. How can I get him to understand how much this hurts?"These words hit home for so many couples navigating recovery. Sobriety may be present, but without consideration—the conscious choice to think about your partner's feelings and anticipate their emotional needs—the pain lingers.Consideration is a vital element in the recovery and healing process, going beyond sobriety to rebuild trust and foster emotional safety. It requires intentional, proactive efforts to understand and empathize with a partner's emotional world, especially in the context of betrayal trauma. Through actions that reflect care and awareness, such as pausing to think about how decisions may impact a partner, consideration demonstrates that their feelings matter. This practice bridges the gap between sobriety and intimacy, as shown in the story of a husband whose thoughtful choice to prioritize his wife's emotional safety became a turning point in their marriage.Despite its importance, practicing consideration is challenging due to significant barriers. Addicts often struggle with emotional awareness, fear of vulnerability, and habits of selfishness rooted in their addiction, while betrayed partners face fears of being hurt again, hypervigilance, and difficulty trusting changes. Both partners may also lack healthy examples of consideration from their past, making it harder to implement. Overcoming these barriers requires consistent effort, including pausing to reflect, validating a partner's feelings, and taking proactive actions that demonstrate thoughtfulness and care.When practiced consistently, consideration transforms relationships by fostering trust, collaboration, and emotional connection. It allows betrayed partners to feel valued and chosen, while helping addicts break free from selfish patterns and grow emotionally. This practice turns recovery into a shared journey, where both partners link arms and work together to create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Programs like Dare to Connect offer tools and guidance to integrate consideration into daily life, enabling couples to experience the profound healing it can bring.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "The-powerful-potential-of-consideration-in-recovery-the-betrayal-trauma-healing-process"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In relationships and personal growth, conflicts often become fixated on facts—what happened, what didn't, and who's to blame—while neglecting the deeper emotional needs driving these disputes. Facts feel safer and easier to articulate, offering a shield against vulnerability. However, this focus on logistics often leads to surface-level arguments that fail to address the real issues, leaving partners feeling misunderstood and disconnected. Beneath every disagreement lies an unmet emotional need, such as feeling valued, prioritized, or connected, but these underlying truths are often buried beneath layers of factual disputes and miscommunication.The article highlights the importance of shifting focus from facts to feelings, using real-life examples to illustrate how emotional vulnerability can transform relationships. For instance, a husband in recovery who paused to consider his wife's emotional needs before engaging in a triggering behavior created a breakthrough moment of connection. This act of prioritizing her feelings over rigid boundaries allowed the couple to address the core issues driving their conflicts, building trust and intimacy. Balancing facts with feelings requires practical strategies such as leading with vulnerability, setting clear discussion boundaries, and reframing conflicts as opportunities for growth.Ultimately, the article urges individuals and couples to fight the “right war” by connecting with their emotions and communicating with intentionality. Pausing to ask what's truly at stake in a conflict helps avoid getting lost in the “fog of war” and ensures that both partners address the underlying needs behind their disputes. By integrating self-awareness, emotional honesty, and vulnerability into their interactions, couples can build stronger, more meaningful relationships where trust and connection thrive.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  "Are You Fighting the Right War: Working Within the Facts, but NOT at the Cost of Connecting with the Feelings?"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 257, Mark & Steve respond to submissions by two different partners in betrayal trauma healing. Navigating the complexities of philias, fetishes, and taboo behaviors in the context of addiction and recovery can be challenging for both addicts and their partners. These behaviors often stem from factors such as exposure to pornography, trauma, or unique life experiences that shape an individual's arousal template over time. The escalation of pornography use into increasingly taboo behaviors can reinforce unhealthy patterns, particularly when paired with masturbatory conditioning. Understanding these influences and their impact on the relationship is essential to determining whether such behaviors are healthy or detrimental.Key to this understanding is evaluating how these behaviors affect vulnerability, respect, safety, authenticity, and connection within the relationship. Healthy sexual behaviors strengthen intimacy, trust, and presence, fostering deeper emotional and physical connection. In contrast, addiction-driven behaviors often disconnect individuals from reality and their partners. Open communication, free from judgment, is crucial to exploring these issues. Partners must feel empowered to express their fears, boundaries, and preferences, ensuring that mutual respect and alignment with personal values remain at the core of the relationship.For couples facing these challenges, solutions include honest dialogue, professional guidance, and, if needed, a sexual “reset” to rebuild trust and emotional intimacy. By reflecting on the impact of these behaviors and committing to shared growth, couples can redefine their relationship in ways that align with their authentic selves. While the process can be difficult, it offers the opportunity to deepen connection, foster healing, and move forward in recovery with greater empowerment and understanding.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  "My Addict Partner has Certain Philias, Fetishes & Taboo Behaviors. What is the Impact of this on His Recovery & Our Relationship?"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 256, Mark & Steve talk raw and real to the partners of porn/sex addicts whose authentic voices have been "silenced." Silence often becomes a way of life for partners of sex addicts, rooted in past experiences, family dynamics, and cultural norms that discourage authentic self-expression. Many learn early on that their needs don't matter or that speaking up leads to rejection or conflict. This pattern is exacerbated in relationships with addicts, where manipulation, gaslighting, or neglect make it feel safer to remain quiet. While silence may seem like a survival tactic, it comes at a steep cost—fueling anger and resentment, diminishing self-worth, and preventing relationships from evolving into deeper, more authentic connections. Over time, these suppressed emotions and unmet needs create disconnection and imbalance, leaving partners feeling isolated and unfulfilled.Breaking free from silence requires partners to reconnect with their self-worth and recognize that their value is independent of others' validation. Practicing self-advocacy, even in small ways, is crucial to rebuilding confidence and learning to express needs and boundaries. Establishing boundaries protects emotional well-being and helps partners reclaim their voice in a healthy way. While fear of rejection is a common barrier, it's important to remember that relationships worth keeping are those where both partners can express themselves honestly and be heard without fear of judgment or invalidation.Rediscovering your voice is not just about speaking up—it's about reclaiming your identity and creating a life of authenticity and empowerment. This process may require support from safe spaces like therapy, support groups, or trusted friends. As partners practice authentic communication and challenge fears, they foster deeper connections with themselves and their loved ones. Ultimately, relationships where both individuals can express their true selves are healthier, more fulfilling, and sustainable. By finding your voice, you take the first step toward building a life rooted in respect, mutual growth, and healing.For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Why Do I Go Silent As the Partner of a Sex Addict, and How Do I Healthily Break Free of This?"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 255, we talk about one of the most common stories we hear: a partner stuck in the rinse-and-repeat cycle of addiction and betrayal, trying desperately to keep the relationship afloat. We received an emotional, raw submission from a listener—“Heartbroken and Exhausted Wife”—who articulated her pain, frustration, and fatigue so clearly that her words resonate as a voice for countless others in similar situations.Her journey reflects years of enduring her husband's addiction to pornography and sexual behaviors. Over their 23-year marriage, the cycle has repeated itself again and again: discovery, apologies, promises of change, followed by a temporary calm before everything falls apart once more. This pattern isn't just exhausting—it's soul-crushing. It leaves partners wondering how much more they can give before they're completely depleted.The heartbreaking truth is that no matter how much love exists in a relationship, trust and safety are essential. Without these, even the strongest bonds begin to erode. Her love for her husband hasn't waned, but her ability to trust him has been battered by broken promises and actions that don't align with his words. It's no wonder she's reached a point of despair, questioning how to move forward.For those of us who have lived through addiction—on both sides—it's painfully clear how this happens. Addiction thrives in cycles. For the addict, it's easy to fall into a pattern of avoidance, short-term fixes, and empty promises. For the partner, it's easy to become consumed by the effort to keep things together. But unless the cycle is broken, both people remain trapped in their own version of suffering.In this episode, Mark & Steve get deep and personal in offering empathy and solutions for betrayed partners. They also talk directly to porn/sex addicts about what "real" recovery looks like. And why there is great HOPE for couples who find themselves in this deeply difficult place. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "My Partner Relapses, Says He's Sorry, Does Better for a Time, Then the Whole Cycle Starts Again!"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In PBSE episode 254, Mark & Steve respond to a heart-felt submission by a man who has been married for 45 years and for many of those years, the sexual relationship between he and his wife has been very broken. The reasons are multifaceted and very complex. These include—the horror of emotional and sexual abuse his wife endured during her growing up years; an extremely rigid and shame-based religious culture which they both grew up in and continue to participate in; his periodic use of pornography; his anger and emotional abuse towards his wife; and other factors. He desperately wants to repair the damage he has done and find a way to heal the emotional and physical relationship in his marriage. Mark & Steve not only address the issues that this listener submitted, but the most common issues couples face in connection with healing sexual wounds, creating sexual safety and building a truly healthy sexual relationship. This PBSE listener and his partner's situation is very complicated, with a lot of moving parts:Her past abuse/betrayalTrauma and betrayal within the relationshipRigid religious backgroundShame surrounding sex; lack of open communicationMisinformation surrounding sexSexual secrecyAlthough this situation does have some unique elements, it brings up a lot of common struggles for couples, both in and out of recovery:The changing physical dynamics of sexual expression/reciprocation in an ongoing, long-term committed relationshipThe constantly evolving state of a relationship as a wholeThe need for ongoing, vulnerable discussion in a coupleship regarding the various elements to intimacy, including the physicalWe all have existing “sexual paradigms”—what sex or different sexual acts mean; how critical it is; how it impacts the rest of the relationship, etc. Are willing to step back to openly assess where these paradigms come from; challenge them; be flexible; etc?Really exploring a coupleship's sexuality means backing up from preconceived “norms” around sex acts and forms of physical expression:As a coupleship, you have the right/obligation to determine how and what you would like your physical and sexual relationship to look like, as well as what it means and represents. Mark gives the real-life example of an acquaintance whose wife had a stroke and was permanently paralyzed from the chest down—after tenderly caring for her for a decade, he said it was the most intimate, loving and connected 10 years of their marriage.YOU are the sole architects of your own relationship—you get to collaboratively build it into what YOU want!For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Sex in Our Marriage has Always Been "Broken." How do we Repair and Heal it?"Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

With Episode 253, we just crossed the “One Million Downloads” threshold! And we're in 204 Countries/Territories worldwide! Thank you to all of our PBSE listeners across the planet! None of this is possible without YOU!In this episode, we address a betrayed partner's questions about the role of pornography in a relationship. Here's what she submitted—Hello, I know you talk about how porn isn't healthy or true intimacy, but what happens when your partner says they use porn to better learn how to please their partner? I ask because I'm a part of a couple of support groups, and there are a good number of women who share that this is the approach of their porn-addicted partners. I know it's an excuse, which if anything is an understatement. Is it to possibly do a podcast specifically on this? We all know porn is NOT how to learn how to please your partner, and ultimately it's a cop out to continue in addiction. In other words, their porn brain justifies it. I do want to note thankfully this isn't my husband's mindset, and have to thank both of you for the podcasts you post. My husband has shared it has helped him not feel alone, or attacked, and has helped him stay in active recovery. Over the last couple of decades, we have run into this rationale too often! Where does this come from?Our heavily “sexualized culture” is a “grand set-up” from our earliest youth!Sadly, too many of our teens look to porn as their primary “sex education”Teens and young adults feel “pressured” to “be in the know”There is the whole “addiction pandemic” at younger & younger ages—and then all of the “defense mechanisms” to protect that addictionWhat role do you want “sex” to play in your relationship???What is “holistic intimacy”? How does “porn” get in the way of that “intimacy” and healthy sexual intimacy as a part of that “whole”?—Because this is all being “dictated” to you, you nearly completely miss the whole communication, exploration, and collaboration experience!!! In essence, it is NOT “sex your way,” it's “sex their way”—from an “intention” that is entirely manipulative, usury and ENSLAVING!  Porn as a “source” of so-called information and instruction is a WHOLLY distorted, fake, inaccurate, filled with lies & manipulation and BASED ON THE DEEPEST FORMS OF HUMAN EXPLOITATION & ABUSE KNOWN TO MANKIND!In other words, not only is it poisonous, it isn't even accurate or “educational”! And has NOTHING to do with “true intimacy.”Porn has the potential to impact your capacity for feeling happiness in general!A brief discussion about the hedonic set points & the rewiring of the Dopamine System:Recurrent, compulsive exposure to selective, isolated elements can begin to manipulate and change the way you feel pleasure, and how much of it you are able to feelOn a chemical level, it can become more difficult to experience pleasure, more difficult to overcome sadness, etc. Radically alters the focus of the coupleship, and imbalances the priorities that introduces instability, emotionally and otherwise.Take back ALL sexual aspects of your relationship! Do NOT allow it to be highjacked & manipulated by outside sources. Make it what the two of you want it to be; a healthy, connecting part of your overall WHOLE relationship intimacy!For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to:  "I Use Porn to Learn How to Please my Partner. That's Healthy . . . Right?"

In Episode 252, we talk about how our “Culture of Empowerment” at D2C came about; our PASSION for PARTNERS finding their EMPOWERMENT . . . (and addicts of course, but this episode is about partners)The seeming BLARING CONTRADICTION of a betrayed partner “owning her side of the street”!—Betrayed partners find themselves in a variety of situations—The addict partner is not engaged in recovery at allThe addict partner is kind of half-in-half outThe addict partner is working it hard and consistent, but the betrayed partner feels like she's “lagging behind” (which is a “misnomer,” VERY common and a natural, normal part of healing and increasing safetyWhat does it mean to “LIVE IN EMPOWERMENT”?First, what does it NOT mean? It in NO way means that:The addict's behaviors are in ANY way the fault of the betrayed partner—she did not cause this; she does not deserve it; she is NOT responsible to “fix it” and indeed CANNOTALL of the betrayed partner's feelings are LEGITIMATE and MUST be heard, acknowledged, validated and addressed.The addict partner absolutely MUST face, own and actively pursue HIS SIDE OF THE STREET.What IS empowerment for a Betrayed Partner—Here is the definition we use in the “D2C Culture of Empowerment”—Here at D2C, our goal is to help you claim your right & power to create and collaborate in your own change, growth & serenity—to EMPOWER YOU! What are the essential elements for a Betrayed Partner to move into and consistently live in a place of empowerment?Have a healthy, safe, supportive space to express your FULL feelings WHATEVER they may be and WHY you are feeling them (“What is under this?”) NOTE: this support, at least for a good while,  is nearly NEVER your addict partner!) Examples include—Support Group; Therapist; trusted/safe family member/friend; Dare to Connect . . . Response–ability & Account–abitilty: we cannot change what we cannot own. Recognizing “my next right thing” in ANY situation is critical to staying in a place of empowerment. Refusing to be pigeon-holed into a victim role means recognizing my options, whatever they may be, in ANY situation. There are ALWAYS choices, even if those choices are uncomfortable.Become VERY clear and specific about your Authentic Wants & Needs in your individual life and in the relationship. Learn the skills to express these in a healthy way.Surround your wants and needs with clear, specific BOUNDARIES and couple these with VERY clear, specific outcomes/consequences—NOT to control his side of the street, but to keep your authentic self, wants and needs protected.KEY—a betrayed partner living in empowerment does NOT in ANY way release the addict from ANY level of responsibility and accountability—in fact, it actually places those things MORE on his shoulders and STRICTLY on his side of the street.Also—what an addict chooses to do or not do, does NOT control whether or not the betrayed partner can or will live an EMPOWERED LIFE. What it DOES directly impact is whether or not the couple can COLLABORATE, be a team, have each other's backs and BE COMPATIBLE.  For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to:  "As a Betrayed Partner, How do I Live "Empowered" Regardless of what my Addict Partner Does or Does Not Do?"Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services 

In Episode 251, Mark & Steve respond to a submission by a betrayed partner who is a regular PBSE listener. She describes a long-term, ongoing situation with her partner who struggles with porn use. In the beginning of their relationship, they both agreed that his porn use would not be considered, "cheating." But then a number of years into their relationship, she happened across an online account of his and actually witnessed first-hand the porn he was viewing. It was so shocking to her that she approached him to let him know that she DOES consider his porn viewing cheating. He was surprisingly agreeable and cooperative. He got into recovery, did well for awhile, and then the whole cycle started again—her discovering his use; him lying, denying and gaslighting; then finally coming clean and getting back into recovery. Then, he began "debating" whether or not he has an actual "porn addiction" and insists that in order for him to continue in recovery he MUST have a professional give him an absolute "diagnosis" of addiction or it really isn't a problem. Here's what she submitted about this— I am so angry. Can't he see that if he is unable to prevent himself from watching porn AT WORK that this is a problem???  His “slips” happen every few months or so, and I think this is why he believes that it's not an addiction…. So my big question…. At what point do you consider porn use to be an addiction? To me it seems like it's neither here nor there as it's a behavior he has been unable to discontinue, no matter how infrequently it happens. I believe he needs support and tools to help navigate this habit, but it seems as though he believes not having a “diagnosis” means he doesn't have a problem…In this episode, Mark & Steve get raw and real about how porn addiction is a topic that often elicits confusion and doubt, especially when someone isn't formally diagnosed as an addict. They explore the nuances of defining addiction, the impact of pornography on relationships, and the importance of recognizing unhealthy behaviors—whether they fit into a diagnostic label or not. They dive into the complexity of dealing with a partner's pornography use, and why waiting for a “diagnosis” is not the best approach for recovery or healing. Mark & Steve address crucial issues for the porn-using-partner; for the betrayed partner; and for the coupleship. For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to:  "Unless my Partner is “Diagnosed” as an “Addict,” his Porn Use is NOT a Problem . . . Right?"Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

This is PBSE's 250th Episode! Our deepest gratitude goes out to our global audience of listeners!!! YOU all make this possible! THANK YOU!After reviewing the last several months of PBSE Episodes, we have tackled a LOT of HEAVY topics! For this 250th episode, we want to focus on all of the hopeful, optimistic, positive reasons WHY we all do the CRAZY hard work of betrayal trauma healing and addiction recovery. To illustrate just how "worth it" this can all be, here's a comment that one our of our Dare to Connect clients just submitted to us—When I first started with D2C I had a year and half of sobriety from porn and masturbation addiction. My wife and I were still struggling with communication because of her trauma response and my lack of shame resilience. D2C sessions have helped us identify these issues which has helped us to start the true healing and recovery process. We are communicating and now collaborating with each other like we never have before. We are still learning new things a year in and plan to continue with D2C for a while longer. Thank you Mark and Steve for all the effort you put into your work. You will notice in the title the words in all caps—”COLLABORATING in the HARD”The greatest CONNECTION, INTIMACY & RELATIONSHIP RESILIENCY come from coming together as a “collaborative team” to face the STRUGGLES!Our experiences in our own relationships as well as what we have witnessed working with couples for more than 20 years—Hard challenges and struggles can tear us apart OR unite us—How does the hard disconnect couples?Turning away instead of turning toward: fear, shame & pain leading to going it alone; trying to CONTROL outcomesWithout proper boundaries, the desire to emotionally caretake one another can blur the lines of accountability and diminish collaborationOne or both partners engaging in avoidance cycles can establish a pattern of seeking peace at the cost of growthHow can the hard unite couples— Acknowledging challenges, as well as their accompanying fears, hesitations, insecurities, and vulnerabilities sets the stage for truly intimate dialogue. Steve and Brittany: we may not last through Christmas…Mark & Ladawn: I don't want to hurt her anymore; I'll take care of this on my own; let's not rock the boat on what are at least somewhat stable waters in how she sees me, where we are as a couple, why make this harder than it needs to be . . .Owning and “being real” about the obstacles ahead puts us in the driver's seat as a coupleship: Once we know where we are really starting, we can begin to truly prepare for and actually set out on the required journey.Developing coupleship “skills” in the HARD means REAL SKILLS! We are “welded” together–an atomic bomb can't break us apart! I've got you; you've got me; we've got US!We actually get to decide for the first time if we want to CHOOSE “all” of each other—and KEEP choosing each other. For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to:  "COLLABORATING as a Couple in the HARD Struggle of Recovery & Healing"

In Episode 249, Mark & Steve respond in detail to a situation and quesiton submitted by the betrayed spouse of porn/sex addict. Here are her words—My husband is very closed off with me. He doesn't tell me important things about his life, family, or what really happens in his 12-Step recovery meetings. It's like I have to know the answer and ask specific questions to get him to talk to me with any sort of detail. I know he used to do this to hide his pornography use and affairs. But even simple things, like going to a restaurant he kept hidden. Is this just a part of his personality? He's sober from porn now, but he still doesn't talk to me. It's like I only exist to him when he is at home. He was recently in a car accident and didn't tell me until he came home from the hospital. Is there any hope he will treat me like a true friend and partner, or has compartmentalization become so ingrained in him, this is just how it is?The song “Say Something” by “A Great Big World”—Say something, I'm giving up on you; I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you; Anywhere I would've followed you; Say something, I'm giving up on you.Why can addicts be “closed off” to their partners?It can be “personality/style” from childhoodIt can be “learned” due to environment, trauma, etc. It can be a BIG part of the addiction cycle/system; shame cycle; fear cycle; etc. These are possible explanations, NOT seHow does this impact betrayed partners?While partners suffer horrible fallout from betrayal trauma, PTSD, etc., nearly all DO desperately want to connect & collaborateSilence, surface/shallow conversation, “compartmentalization” (as she calls it), hiding, lying, gaslighting, etc., “pile on” and create “Complex Trauma”What is the Addict Partner's Response-ability in this situation?Pride, ego, shame, fear, discomfort, life-long habits, lack of skills, etc. will too easily keep the addict from making the REAL commitment to change.This is ALL about his individual preparation and “what he brings with him” to the coupleship interaction—PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!—Journaling, opening up to his outside support system, simple daily human interactions, conversations with his Higher PowerMaking deposits to the Relationship Trust Account is SUPER important–and keeping her actively “informed” about your recovery progress, recovery insights, deep thoughts, feelings, etc. Start with “structure” and “expectations”—Daily Couples Check-in; weekly Partnership Meeting; may need to start with written communication or adhere to a “script”--(which may be hard for the partner!)This is NOT easy, but the addict gets to decide IF he will do the consistent WORK to progressively develop and practice the skills—NO MORE EXCUSES!What is the betrayed partner's “side of the street” in this situation?She has AUTHENTIC wants and needs in this relationship! She needs to take time to clearly identify and write down what these are, including her vision of how she desires this relationship to progress.She needs to create boundaries of safety around her wants and needs along with outcomes/consequencesIt is VERY important that she CLEARLY communicates her deep feelings—like the song we started with . . . Will we ever become true friends and partners???What does it mean to “be true friends & partners"? What is INTIMACY?What is CONNECTION?ARE WE COMPATIBLE???   For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  pbsepodcast.com

In episode 248, Mark & Steve tackle an extremely intense and heart-breaking submission by a betrayed partner. Here's what she submitted—I have listened to many of your podcast episodes. An area I wish you would do an episode on is how is a spouse to handle it when your porn addicted/SA husband comes home and discloses (not the first time in our marriage) that he has been acting out for several years and contracted an STD. How am I supposed to forgive and get past that? I can't see ever having an intimate relationship with him. However, we have built a great life (other than his sexual addiction) over our 20+ year marriage. He shows remorse, is in therapy as am I. We have not had a Formal Therapeutic Disclosure yet but it's coming. There are a lot of aspects I'm struggling with but would love an episode on navigating an incurable STD. Sincerely, Heartbroken Spouse.Our hearts go out to this betrayed partner! In too many ways, the consequences and fallout are not only devastating upon disclosure, but also create an ongoing traumatic nightmare! There are serious, long-term and permanent medical implications at play with this example which we are not going to tackle here.IT IS CRITICAL that this couple, if they haven't already, seek immediate medical testing and treatment, as well as education regarding the issues at play and their long-term implications. What this is like for betrayed partners?The compounding effects of ”Complex Trauma”—trickled disclosure, “bomb dropping”A “painful paradox”—facing the devastation & realities of disclosure and PAST/ONGOING trauma while at the same time—”We have built a great life over our 20+ years of marriage”What is authentic for her going forward—her wants and her needs; what is she willing to do and not do; VERY SPECIFIC BOUNDARIES around this! What is this like for the porn/sex addict?WHEN the addict is ALL in and doing the WORK, the CONSEQUENCES & OUTCOMES of his past choices do NOT magically go away! In some ways, this process actually INTENSIFIES! How does he PROACTIVELY meet his betrayed partner's authentic wants & needs; provide as much safety as is possible; be TRANSPARENT about his work; his learning; his progress; PROACTIVE PLANS he puts together and presents–LEAD OUT!What is he willing or not willing to “sacrifice” for this to work going forward?When these two worlds COLLIDE—Addiction & Ongoing Trauma—how can a Couple navigate this?!Be mindful of the tendency to reactively make BIG decisions in the midst of intense emotion BEFORE the recovery & healing processes have had a truly fair chance to unfold, progress and bring about positive change. Create as safe a space as possible for OPEN, AUTHENTIC EXPRESSION & DIALOGUE—NOT avoiding, minimizing, care-taking, shutting down, etc., to escape sitting in and talking about the HARDAlthough CRAZY HARD in the midst of addiction & betrayal, TEMPORARILY pushing a “pause” button and “sitting in a state of grace” while the small, progressive steps in the process unfold. Then, having done “all” you feel you can, coming together to ask, “Are we compatible”? Can we “get” to compatibility? HOW?This will, due to the ongoing nature of the issues, NEED TO BE AN ONGOING DISCUSSION, with appropriate medical and mental health professionals involved. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/how-does-a-betrayed-partner-navigate-the-news-that-their-sex-addict-partner-has-contracted-an-incura

In this episode, number 247, Mark & Steve discuss a situation and questions submitted by the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict. She does a great job presenting a balanced description of their situation, while also being very direct, vulnerable and authentic. Her addict partner has struggled with porn addiction nearly his whole life and when all the "trickle truths" started coming out, it nearly finished off their marriage. But, they both got into therapy and did a lot of hard work individually and as a couple for over a year. She describes their marriage as "feeling a lot safer and stronger." At the same time, there are still some significant struggles. Here's how she describes it—The issue that continues to arise for me, is that my husband seems to “need” sex every 4 days, or he will feel that he is too distracted by women and his sexual desires which impacts his recovery. This also impacts my ability to feel that I am in full control of my own body as well as feeling wanted and chosen, as opposed to just being the object of a selfish need. I understand that men are biologically more inclined to feel sexual desire more often, but is he limiting himself in his healing journey by assuming that this need is normal and biological (his words). He does have some sort of goal to increase the amount of days by using self discipline, but it seems that he believes it's a biological need for men and specifically for himself because he feels too much physical and mental discomfort when he pushes it off. He has not masturbated in around 8-10 months (other than 1-2 slips, and a recent relapse) but we have created a plan where he has the option of masturbating after 7 days of no sex if he feels he “needs” it. My question is—does this sound like something that is limiting the recovery process or is each person an individual case and this plan can be something that is helpful for him and helpful for me to feel full control of my own body, while he does his own recovery work?Mark & Steve directly address this couple's situation and this betrayed partner's questions. They discuss the critical importance of the addict taking charge of the healthy wiring and management of his brain's "pleasure/reward system" and how this impacts his recovery. They address the "need" for sex vs. a healthy balance in a WHOLE relationship. They speak raw and real about "his side of the street" and what he is response-able and account-able for in this situation. They also speak directly to what this betrayed partner needs for her own "body sovereignty" and for a path of true healing. In addition, they speak to what is needed to make consistent deposits to the relationship trust account and what true "holistic intimacy" looks like vs. a narrow focus on physical sex. Also discussed are healthy sexual boundaries and what it means for an addict in recovery to evolve, mature and transform. For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-thisLearn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In episode 246, we explore the concept of interdependence in the context of recovery from betrayal trauma and porn addiction. Interdependence, often mentioned but not always fully understood, is a critical aspect of healing and moving forward in a relationship after the discovery of a partner's addiction. Many betrayed spouses struggle with defining what interdependence looks and feels like, particularly as they navigate the complexities of their partner's ongoing recovery and behavior. Today, we'll dive into what interdependence truly means and how it manifests in real-world scenarios, especially for those who have been deeply impacted by their spouse's actions.Our discussion centers around the journey of a betrayed spouse who has been married for over two decades and is actively working on her own recovery after discovering her husband's sexual addiction. She shares her experience of wrestling with the pain of watching her husband's behavior, such as scanning or getting captivated by other women, and how it feels intensely personal, even though she intellectually knows it's not about her. This inner conflict highlights the struggle many face in separating their spouse's actions from their self-worth, and how exhausting it can be to maintain a healthy mindset amidst these triggers.We'll also examine how interdependence can evolve over time, contrasting the early stages of recovery with later phases where individuals may experience greater emotional resilience and independence. The question is raised about whether, over time, triggers like a partner's inappropriate behavior still impact those who are further along in their recovery. This conversation is not just about reframing mindsets but also about understanding how personal growth and healing can empower individuals, regardless of the outcome of their marriage. Join us as we unpack these challenging dynamics and provide insight into what interdependence can look like in healthy, recovering relationships.What IS “interdependence”/COLLABORATION? What does it “look like”?What does “independence/the Authentic Self” in recovery and healing look like for both partners?For the recovering porn addict—For the partner healing from betrayal trauma—What kinds of things can disrupt one's independent recovery and healing paths?For the recovering porn addict—For the healing partner—How do “independent/authentic” partners progressively move into a place of “interdependence”?Each must have a clear understanding of what it means to “own my side of the street”—to step into my voice, my truth, my sovereignty and my EMPOWERMENT and be WORKING IT!Be VERY mindful of the EARLY signs you are leaving the realm of sovereign independence and entering back into sacrificing one's Authentic Self and boundaries around that self.What are the PROGRESSIVE steps to traveling the path of interdependence and coupleship collaboration?First and foremost it's all about “What you bring with you” to the coupleship interaction! Self-care; outside support system; shame resilience work . . . MUST agree to interrupt long-standing, emotionally intense/reactive relationships patterns! Establish CLEAR communication boundaries and TAKE A BREAK every time one or both go outside those boundaries (do NOT weaponize this!)Don't allow “reactive situations” to always be where you try to “work on healthy communication/collaboration.” Intentionally plan and practice hard topics—Journaling & Higher Power; Outside Support Systems; Couples Daily Check-ins: weekly Partnership meetings.This is a process NOT a destination–be patient; give grace; don't give up. Visit www.daretoconnectnow.com  

In Episode 245, Mark & Steve respond to an all–too–common, legitimate struggle faced by the betrayed partners of sex/porn addicts. Here's a submission from a partner—My husband is starting a new position within his company where he will be working very closely with this woman. She is highly attractive, and the only female in the male dominated company they work in. He has admitted a few times that “_______” is beautiful, smart and is going to go far in the company. While I have never been concerned he's going to cheat on me, with her or anyone else, I have a lot of mixed feelings about them working so close together. I'm scared that he is fantasizing about her, masturbating to her and lying to me about it. Like he has lied to me about everything else so far. I asked him bluntly and he laughed at me and told me that “he only has eyes for me—obviously, we're married!” He has some pretty obvious “tells” when he is lying and I'm almost certain he is in this case. How can I, as the spouse, learn to (I guess) just be okay with it and trust that work relationships are just that, work relationships?A History of Lying and Betrayal trauma trigger MANY symptoms for a partner that are understandable, legitimate and CRAZY HARD!“Like he has lied to me about everything else so far” Hypervigilance, seeking for guarantees, feelings of competition/comparison, doubting her intuition/gut, exhausted by his gaslighting, etcShe has every right to be skeptical, guarded and suspicious. “How can I, as the spouse, learn to (I guess) just be okay with it and trust that work relationships are just that, work relationships?”You shouldn't. These concerns need to be TRANSPARENTLY EXPLORED, THOUGHT OUT, and SHARED with him.In whatever way/medium is safe for her. He needs to access resources and/or skills (as needed) to be able to HEAR, PROCESS, CONNECT WITH, and VALIDATE her concerns in a vulnerable way.Connecting with/utilizing a support group, therapist, sponsor, daily renewal partner, journaling, etcThis happens ideally not just in the moment (trigger management), but also is cultivated in advance (self-care routines)Situations like this point towards the “bigger issues” within the relationshipLack of trustLack of safety(potentially) lack of dialogueLack of collaborationFor the partner, FINDING YOUR AUTHENTIC VOICE is something to grow in terms of skillset and practice:Discovering the authentic selfSetting boundariesSetting and holding consequences to preserve safety and authenticityHow can you “know” what he's doing or not doing?How to begin addressing this as a coupleship—Get comfortable with the uncomfortablePractice via daily check-in'sCouples therapyPrograms like D2CFor a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-thisLearn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 244, Mark & Steve address the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict who submitted the following to PBSE—As a partner of an addict, what can I do to help my partner feel more supported during his recovery, so that he may feel more comfortable telling me the truth??? Time and time again, I have caught him in lies or omissions and it's eating away at the trust in our relationship. Most recently, we engaged in physical intimacy and I could tell IMMEDIATELY that he had been looking at porn that day. I can't explain it- I just knew. I felt used, like my body was simply a means to an end for him, like a masturbation device. So I asked my partner if he'd been hiding anything from me, and he came clean that he did in fact have some slips over the weekend. I have since made it clear, respectfully, that I do not wish to engage in intercourse while information about his sexual proclivities is being withheld from me. The main issue here is that during previous conversations, he has agreed to PROACTIVELY come to me when these slips happen so that I don't have to play detective anymore… but he has never followed through with that agreement, and he continues to wait around until I ask the perfect question. After this incident, my partner told me that he doesn't feel like he can come to me because I get really quiet when he talks about his slips and therefore I do not make him feel supported enough. If you have any suggestions or words of wisdom to share, I would greatly appreciate it so much. For Her:Take the time to truly explore your feelings, wants, and needs, and then come up with boundaries and attached consequences for each.Vulnerably share these with your partner, in whatever way is safest.Ensure that you are practicing healthy communication skills:When feeling anger or anger-related feelings (which are absolutely legitimate), be sure to express this in a way that also communicates the vulnerable primary emotions under the anger.Avoid toxicity in your dialogue (name-calling, sarcasm, mind-reading, etc.) and stay true to what is "authentic" to you.As safety allows, be very proactive in your expression of needs, as well as your thoughts and feelings. Hold FIRM boundaries and their accompanying consequences/outcomes. Recognize that you can't “make” anyone continue to feel or not feel anything. They choose which feelings to focus on and remain in.SURRENDER THE REST. IT'S ON HIM.For Him:  An addict in sincere recovery will be making progressive efforts to:Practice true account-abilityAt a BASELINE, this means telling the WHOLE truth at ALL costs!Doing the hard work to not just share lapses/relapses, but to discover:What led up to the lapse/relapseWhat broke down on his endWhat specific changes will he make in future encounters with triggersSit in “Uncomfortable Places”Why are you responding the way you do your partner's reactions?How are you response-able for your actions & your responses?In what ways are you growing in your capacity to practice uncomfortable ownership and account-ability?As Addicts, WE CAUSED THIS. We may not be responsible for all of the circumstances that got us here in totality, but we ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE responsible for how we handle, show up for, and address "today." For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/is-it-my-responsibility-to-make-my-porn-addicted-partner-feel-comfortable-so-he-will-consistently-te

In Episode 243, Mark & Steve address a very important issue submitted to PBSE by a listener who is the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict. This question especially resonated with Mark as he himself, along with a number of his children and many of his extended family, have suffered with the challenges of mental illness and related diagnosed issues like ADHD. Here's the submission by a PBSE listener—My husband and I have been friends for close to 20 years, in a relationship for 7 years, and married for 3. He has been addicted to pornography for most of his life, close to 40 years. I started to suspect something a couple weeks before we got married, and he finally confessed his addiction about 6 months later. We now both have CSATs that work together as a team and we have been seeing them for about 18 months. My husband has been doing fairly well, or so I thought, but I have just found out he has been in a relapse for a couple of months. I am of course hurt and angry that he would go back down this road after all the work, time, and money that has been invested in his recovery. He very much wants to get back on track, but feels that I need to take a much larger role in his recovery. I should mention that my husband is diagnosed with ADHD. For this reason alone, he feels he needs me to essentially manage his recovery. If he has homework, sit down and do it with him. Set up our weekly check ins and give him reminders about them. Follow up that he has made therapy appointments, continually check in with him that he is not using porn etc. I do not want to have to manage all this for him. He feels that If I truly care and support him, I will understand that because of his ADHD, this is what he needs in order to be successful. I do know that it is not the wife's place to do this typically. Is there ever a time, for instance when ADHD is present, that this could be a healthy, successful approach to both partners' recovery. Thank you so much.First of all, we have tremendous empathy for those challenged by ADHD. This is NOT an episode about the intricacies of ADHD and how it relates to addiction and recovery. We covered this topic in a very basic sense in Episode 210. This episode is about what it means to be truly PROACTIVE and LEAD OUT in one's own recovery. Mental Illness and Addiction:  One of the great challenges in our field is an issue of “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Did mental illness, trauma, abuse and the like come first and lead to addiction or vice-versa? Mark can speak to this from personal experience . . . What was HORRENDOUSLY HARD for Mark was honestly and vulnerably facing what it means to “own MY side of the street/MY recovery.” What does it mean to “LEAD OUT” and be PROACTIVE? How do you balance this with realities, limited capacities, self-compassion, etc.?With mental illness, trauma, abuse and the like in the mix, there are more “moving parts” to recovery.What IS a reasonable expectation for an individual with both challenges—addiction and mental illness/trauma/abuse? What are the EDUCATION, RESOURCES & TOOLS in today's world?Moving from “me” to “WE” and how to find the balance in the “addict's side of the street” vs. the “partner's side.” What does true “collaboration” look like as a coupleship?How does the betrayed partner of an addict balance her own self-care, betrayal trauma healing and boundaries in this whole process? How does she walk the delicate line of healthy support vs. enablement?  For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-this

In this PBSE episode (#242), Mark & Steve respond to an incredibly vulnerable, painful submission by a PBSE listener. Her submission starts out with—I was happy to have found your podcast after my partner's reluctant disclosure last month. After experiencing what can only be described as one of the most intensely painful experiences of my life, I navigated my way to one of your episodes about betrayal trauma and it immediately eased my mind and provided me a much-needed sense of validation. I really thought my full mind and body breakdown was an unwarranted overreaction. A little bit of context before I ask my question . . . She then describes how she was married for 8 years to an extremely abusive man who was addicted to drugs, alcohol and pornography. She finally had to end that relationship to protect herself and her children from further abuse and ongoing danger. Afters a number of years, she was courageous enough to "try again" and shares that she has been in a new relationship for the past 4 years with someone who has helped her understand what love truly is for the first time. He has been steadfast, reliable, kind and patient. From the outset, she made her stand on porn clear—that it has no place in a healthy relationship. He said that he had used it prior to their relationship, but had no need for it anymore. Then comes the bombshell that rocked her world! Here's how she describes it—After returning from a three-day work conference last month, I sensed that he was less than eager to reconnect with me. I just had this intuitive, crushing feeling, so I asked him point blank if he had used pornography while I was away. He confessed, but very minimally, and he may have said more but I broke. Absolutely broke. I was flooded with despair. Not even a month after our marriage, I was faced with the terrible realization that I had made another huge mistake. That this was a complete stranger who had lied by omission countless times, and that I was once again in the position of being the “not good enough” wife. Despite his good intent and compassion, I wrestle with these and many more tormenting thoughts daily. I feel like life has pretty much stayed the same for him, while my whole world has been ripped apart. My question is this - he said that he has never liked this “need” within him, and that I could never understand because I am not a man. If this “need” is in every man, is there even a point in any woman EVER expecting their partner to be 100% faithful to them, spiritually, mentally, and physically? If my husband, an upstanding, moral, and loving individual, could betray me in this way and then chalk it up to the “essence” of man, then it doesn't leave me with much (in fact, ANY) hope that I will ever be worth fidelity from him or anyone else. I would truly rather be on my own than deal with the incessant and intrusive thought that he will be forever seeking sexual gratification outside of our union.  Your words and wisdom would be truly appreciated. Sincerely,  One jaded, exhausted, and heartbroken wife.  In this episode, Mark & Steve speak from the heart to this blindsided and deeply betrayed partner. They help her understand her completely legitimate trauma and the flood of emotions she is experiencing. They talk about "his side of the street" with regard to her addict partner and what he can do going forward IF this relationship is to be saved. They also offer some insights and guidance to this betrayed partner and speak specifically to HOW she can STEP INTO HER POWER moving forward! Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

In Episode 241, Mark & Steve respond to a porn/sex addict in recovery who is facing an extremely difficult situation with his betrayed partner. Here's what he submitted through the PBSE contact form—Hey, my wife is one of the .01% of wives who expects me to be absolutely perfect. I don't know what to do? I've been focusing on being serene. Learning from every mistake I make. I'm 16 ish months sober. And in full recovery. Each step of the way, I'm reminded how I'm a screw up. That the score will never be even because I betrayed her, I took away her dreams, and because I'm an addict, I will never be the man she wants. Ever. That she is staying with me solely because she doesn't want to miss time with our young son. Who we both love. She says I trapped her and she can't leave and that she plans to stay until our son turns 18. Then leave and find a better man and have a new family. That her life is on pause until then. That I deserve to burn in hell for what I've done. I validate her pain. I do make mistakes and objectify her every so often and imply that I do find her “sexy” and I recognize my reasons of how my head got there and I work on those defects. I'm able to work through my shame in these moments and stay present and hear her pain. I just am at a loss of how to support her further. I feel I'm at loss and I'm committed to her. She is my only option and I love her. I never want to go back to life without recovery. I love my life and love the healing I've accomplished. I just don't know how to help support her to get here as well so she can enjoy life again. In this episode, Mark & Steve address this difficult and delicate situation:SO much empathy for the betrayed partner and for the addict in recovery! Where is the place of “empowerment” for both partners? Without this, they will just stay STUCK!There is NO timetable or checklist for a partner bearing the heavy burden of betrayal trauma!  Where is she AUTHENTICALLY? Is it what he describes or something different?Is he TRULY practicing leading out; leaning in; being proactive; making amends; rebuilding trust, etc.?Is she tapping into her own support system; following a path of true healing, etc?This coupleship must seek for DIALOGUE and AUTHENTICITY! Each person in the relationship needs to do their individual work to truly determine what is ACTUALLY their authentic voice and what is coming from the "Unholy Triad"—Pride, Shame and Trauma—for the addict in recovery and for the partner in healing.After doing the ongoing work to determine TRUE AUTHENTICITY . . . THEN each can decide how to proceed forward—What is each individual's VISION for the relationship? What is the willingness for and level of COMPATIBILITY?For the Partner:Are you open to change on his part? If not, why? What is preventing this? Is that resistance AUTHENTIC, or something else? If so, what would that need to look like for it to resonate with you? If it does, are you open to change or growth in the relationship?What would that need to look like? If he is unwilling or unable to authentically make those changes, what is your “next right thing”?For the Addict:Will this (your partner's vision) work for you? Is this compatible with the life (and vision) you are choosing to live? If not, what would need to change in order for it to be? If she is unwilling or unable to authentically make those changes, what is your "next right thing"For a full transcript/article of this podcast, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/how-can-i-support-my-partner-who-i-betrayed-so-she-can-enjoy-life-again

In Episode 240, Mark and Steve address an important issue submitted by a male betrayed partner. Here's his submission—How do male betrayed partners process betrayal trauma differently than women? What are the difficulties male partners have when trying to heal the relationship with their betrayer? Are there any differences in recovery and repair between male betrayed/female sex addict vs female betrayed/male sex addict? I have been attending 12 steps for codependents for sex addicts, and have only met one other man in my situation. Also, struggling to find any literature or resources on this topic. Betrayal Trauma Defined: the emotional, financial and relational “bottom falling out”A traumatic paradigm shift from "what was" to "what is"Healing takes on many components:Reframing or repairing individual worth and valueReframing or repairing attachment to the partnerHealing trauma and attachment issuesRebuilding the capacity for trust in self and in othersReframing and increased investment in self-careNavigating shame issuesHandling triggersFor both men and women, these are unavoidable facts and factors that must be addressed, regardless of sex.Many of the differences between the healing tracks for men and women lies in the cultural differences present, which stem from:Family of OriginGender Roles varying from culture to cultureReligious/Spiritual Framework issuesExisting, in-place support systemsSocietal norms for processing and expressing:GriefThe need for helpAcceptance of support from othersSocietal guidelines surrounding attachmentLearn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

This episode, # 239, is in response to a very common and very painful, frustrating and limiting situation submitted by the betrayed partner of a porn/sex addict—My husband is currently in recovery, and I am unfortunately still in the depths of betrayal trauma. Unfortunately in the early discovery days (there have been 3 major ones over 20 years) I dug for the most amount of detail surrounding my husband's outlets possible. At the time I did not know how damaging this would be for us both. I didn't know gathering the details would cause further trauma to me. I found out that my husband has an ideal body type he has fixated on from early teenage years. It's very specific and nothing like my body. Rationally I know that his porn of choice and women of choice have anything to do with me. I try my best to not see my difference in appearance to these fantasy women as shortcomings. HOWEVER, one of the biggest challenges we face in our relationship is that we have a mutual friend in our life, that is the wife of my husband's best friend, who happens to match my husband's ideal fantasy body type. Every time we are around them I am hyper vigilant, watching his every move. I can't relax and I don't think he can either. It's not fun for me to be around them anymore. I hate to even write this because they're amazing people, the wife and I get along so well. Neither of them have done anything wrong towards me. We find ourselves in group settings often with them and the rest of our friends as well. So we never have a time where we hang out with friends without them there. I hate that I have feelings before the gathering hoping they'll decide to stay home. I feel like a terrible person. I've also been so triggered that others have taken notice, and I have to brush it off and say things like I'm not feeling well. I feel like I cannot be authentic at all and I feel like I keep repeating d-day over and over again every time we are together. How can I be around this person, and separate what's happened between my husband and I? Is it even possible? The wedge between my husband and I grows each time we hang out with them. I want to have fun with my husband again, I want to laugh with our friends, I don't want to watch my husband, I want to enjoy life because our friends are such a huge part of it, but I don't know how. First, let's talk about “complex trauma/betrayal”—the unfairness of it; how it spills over into and impacts SO many aspects of a partner's life; how the survival brain tries to cope . . . hyper-vigilance; personalization, etc—ALL legit!What can a betrayed partner in this very REAL situation, DO? Where is the EMPOWERMENT and PROACTIVITY?First, your feelings ARE legitimate! You're in a relationship that you were led to believe would be faithful, loyal and exclusive. Through discovery/disclosure, you discovered that your porn/fantasy-addicted partner has a “favorite/preferred/ideal/” body type that does NOT match yours! Of course you REACT! Process & journal these feelings out; express them to your support system and when safe to do so, transparently express them to your addict partner—may need to be in writing first; then when safe, face-to-face—get it all out on the table.This is where you get to assess your willingness/abilities to come together as a TEAM to COLLABORATE! This takes INDIVIDUAL WORK FIRST—Addict: shame resilience/defensiveness/reactivity work; leading out, leaning in, empathy, etc; Betrayed Partner: sovereign, independent healing work. Be mindful of the “fallacy of fairness.” As a “team” NOTHING IS OFF THE TABLE! What will truly meet individual and coupleship authentic wants and needs going forward? Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Episode 238 comes in response to a request from a long-time PBSE listener. Here's her submission—Can you talk about the "3 second rule" and why it's not an ok rule?! Many people talk about it and/or say they've read, heard, or had addicts, partners, therapists, suggest this rule. I love the way you've described what crap that is because an addict's mind doesn't need 3 seconds to go to addiction thoughts. I can't recall if you've ever talked about it on PBSE. I think maybe, but on D2C, I've heard you talk much more specifically about how that's a crap idea. Thanks guys! I think it could help so many people to know that it's not a good rule or way to avoid scanning and objectifying. And that using tools like mindfulness… and having a plan before going out and for each and every action through the day is a better way.First, what is the “3-Second Rule”?Why did it become a “thing” over the years? How is this “quick-fix/treating-the-symptom” vs. “real recovery and change”?The “3-second rule” would be considered a very basic recovery conceptBased around trying to curb urges around scanning, objectifying, or other voyeuristic behaviors. The notion behind it may be “good” in some ways, but has shown to become problematic for addicts in recovery:A lot can happen in 3 seconds! Can/has been interpreted as “giving permission” to look, so long as it's for a short time.It focuses way too much on the “don'ts” and not enough on the “do's."It doesn't bring about lasting change—focuses only on symptom managementWhat to do instead?"Check your intention at the door"—What am I here for? How am I "purpose-driven"?Plan in advance—what will I do WHEN, not if, triggers come up for me?Create easy access to "centering" resources - phone calls, reach-out texts, virtual meetings, etc. Tools—surrender, empathy, practicing holistic connection—humanizing.Practicing being FULLY PRESENT in a situationLearn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this Episode 237, Mark and Steve get passionate in responding to the heart-felt submission by a PBSE listener. Here's what she shared—In My partners and I are now 12 months into our journey and I have been doing really well for the most part. I had been feeling like I was really getting on top of my betrayal and processing everything that happened. I felt as though my partner was also doing well, we had been communicating well and he had stopped masturbating and looking at porn and speaking to other women. It felt like my partner and I were really coming back to a place where I could trust him again. That was, up until yesterday..... We had our second polygraph test to verify the last 12 months and he failed. He sat in the room with the therapist and I and said over and over again that he had nothing to hide and that the test was wrong. Eventually he let the lies come out. Non disclosures, contacting an ex partner on one occasion, looking up ex partners online. I won't go into every detail and I will admit that compared to the initial betrayal these things are small in comparison, but why do they feel so BIG to me? I feel like the wound I had been so close to healing has been ripped wide open again and all the pain from the initial betrayal is as raw as it was in the beginning. I know that these things are 'slips' and not a full relapse but it hurts the same as if it was. To make it worse my partner has now decided that he doesn't trust our current therapist and is seeking another therapist who doesn't specialize in addiction of any kind. I feel lost, scared and completely shattered. I feel like I'm back to square one. How do I come back from this? How do I get past the lies?First, our hearts go out to all of the Betrayed Partners listening—just when you dare to hope again; just when you start to risk vulnerability; just when some deposits have been made to the trust account—BAM! The scabs get ripped off–all the TRAUMA RETURNS!The crazy hard side of “complex trauma”There is a reality that “recovery is a trajectory” but how in the world does a betrayed partner deal with that?!  And how does that not become an excuse for the addict?WHY does an addict in recovery choose to behave this way? What is the “lying” REALLY about?We've been talking about this in D2C—Personal Boundaries and consequences/outcomes that the addict PLACES ON HIMSELF based on HIS OWN WANTS, NEEDS AND ESPECIALLY THE VISION OF HIS AUTHENTIC, HIGHER SELF!As long as the addict chooses to stay in a defensive/reactive place, he will keep falling back into old habits like lying. Yes, real recovery is NOT an event–it is a “trajectory” BUT—His addict brain will latch onto this and use it as an excuse to “stay put”What does “trajectory” mean? What are the crucial steps/tools to use when a slip or relapse takes place???Feeling like you're at “square one” is SO understandable, but NOT accurate!“How do I come back from this” is replaced with “How do I move forward?”Again, from D2C—What do “boundaries with consequences/outcomes” look like?Cleary identify your individual wants and needs (authentic self) and clearly voice them to your addict partnerClearly identify and voice the boundaries that protect your authentic self, wants and needsMatch up to your wants, needs and boundaries consequences/outcomes designed to GET YOU BACK TO YOUR AUTHENTICITYHopefully the addict in recovery is doing the very same process on HIS SIDEThen and ONLY then, can you come together as a couple to collaborate on your “joint vision.” Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

In this episode, # 236, the betrayed partner of a porn addict writes a very raw and vulnerable message to PBSE with some deeply poignant, hard-hitting questions. Here's what we received from her—Hey Mark and Steve, my partner was 4 years porn-free and then relapsed, using porn intermittently for about 8 months before I caught him. He says he's serious now and willing to make an effort. Your podcast has been very helpful for both of us in the weeks since the discovery.My question is this: why is the knowledge of the abuse in the porn industry not enough to make men quit? I appreciate all the content in the podcast about why quitting porn is essential for a healthy relationship, but I haven't heard you yet discuss why porn is so bad outside of the user's relationship.My problem with porn is that is made through the abuse, rape, and coercion of the women involved. I wonder how anyone can get off to it and still retain their humanity, to be frank. It's like using porn requires a person to turn off all empathy and objectify the women they're viewing. It requires ignoring the fact that in 99% of cases, she doesn't want to be there and is enduring it for a paycheck she can only hope she actually receives. Given the abundance of porn star testimonials exposing the abuse of the industry, why is that not enough? Why does it have to hurt men personally (through loss of relationships, ED, etc.) before they care about the women it hurts?While this is a very deep and complex topic, Mark & Steve provide at least an overview and introduction to some of the reasons "why." First of all, there are NO legitimate rationalizations, justifications, minimizations or excuses for the choices and behaviors of a porn/sex addict—only explanations. And these have definite limits in their healthy usefulness.What is ADDICTION?  In 12-Step it is referred to as a “form of insanity.” Here's what AI had to say—Addiction can be seen as a form of insanity because people with addictions do the same thing repeatedly, even when it has negative consequences, and expect different results. Substance Abuse vs. “Process Addictions”—BOTH trigger the body into releasing its own “endogenous feel-good chemicals." Under the influence of alcohol, drugs, porn, and other "addiction outlets," what is “real” and “not real” in the “narrow Funnel” becomes impossible for the Limbic System of addict brain to discern.  But WHY go there at all?!  For myriad reasons (shame, fear, abuse, trauma, insecurity, taking the easy way/avoiding the hard, survival . . . the individual discovers his “go-to-place"—his instant escape, avoidance, pleasure-hit, etc and once that “link” is made, WATCH OUT!!!  We talk about being “BLHASTed” triggering the addict to move into the addiction Funnel. BE VERY WARY OF THAT FUNNEL BECAUSE ONCE INSIDE, YOU GIVE UP YOUR FREEDOM TO CHOOSE! This leads to “Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde syndrome”—Mr. Hyde throws everyone and everything Dr. Jekyll cares about under the bus. It's “limbic vs. Logic;” Authentic, True Self vs. The Imposter. An otherwise caring, compassionate, decent man who sees "whole people," becomes a cold, calculating man who sees only “pieces and parts" of others, like he's looking through a drinking straw. With all of this, WHERE IS THE HOPE? It's as simple as "Steps 1, 2 & 3."  It's about getting UNDER THE SYMPTOMS AND TRIGGERS; addressing the BLHASTed feelings FAR IN ADVANCE! You absolutely CAN step progressively into your TRUE, AUTHENTIC SELF; RESTORE YOUR HUMANITY, COMPASSION, SEEING WHOLE PEOPLE, ETC.! Partners—our hearts go out to you–the horrific betrayal is NOT your fault; you don't deserve it in any way and you can't MAKE