Join power couple Tom and Lisa Bilyeu as they answer your relationship questions and share how they've created a successful marriage for nearly 20 years. No holds barred. No B.S.
What are the things you wish someone told you about being in a long term relationship that absolutely killed your last relationship? Maybe you're in a new relationship now, and you want to know how to set your relationship up for success to make it last for years and years to come. Although we can agree humans are naturally social creatures, it is damn hard being in a relationship for years with the same person. Personalities change, arguments fester longer than they should, and your partner's quirky ways that were once cute are suddenly making the hair on your neck stand.Intimacy is hard. Communication gets even harder (probably because most of us suck at it), and yet, there are successful relationships and marriages that inspire us and restore our faith in the possibility of a shared life experience that can be beautiful.Tom and Lisa's relationship is far from perfection and yet so close relative to who they have grown into as individuals and as life partners. In this episode, get out your notepad or open up your note taking app. The lessons and thoughts they share about their successes and failures through 20 years together are worth holding onto.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:0:00 | Introduction to Finding the Perfect Relationship0:59 | 3 Surprises of a Long Term Relationship 20:26 | Choose Your Partner Wisely33:02 | Solution to Mismatched Sex Drive1:03:20 | Get the Right Amount of Texting1:14:47 | Don't Let Fights Go Unresolved1:37:40 | Address Your Own Insecurities1:46:20 | Value a Growth Mindset TogetherQUOTES:“It is 100% important to be selfish, in the sense of taking care of yourself, what makes you happy, so that you can show up to be happy in that relationship.” Lisa Bilyeu [3:49]“When you're arguing you're almost never arguing about the thing you're arguing about, you're actually arguing about something else.” Tom Bilyeu [8:37]“Let go of all expectations and have a couple of really strong ones that you never let go of.” Lisa Bilyeu [16:42]“From the beginning, I think you have to establish communication with your partner, even when you have to say the hard things..” Lisa Bilyeu [29:07]“If you're in a committed loving relationship and you're not thinking about what your partner wants, that is, that is a horsemen of the apocalypse…” Tom Bilyeu [40:06]“I'm never going to feel bad asking for sex, and you should never ever feel bad for saying no, and as long as you never make me feel guilty for asking, I'm certainly not going to make you feel guilty for saying no.” Tom Bilyeu [59:05]“You're never going to deal with something in a calm, rational, compassionate, loving way, and be like, I really wish that I just fucking freaked out.” Tom Bilyeu [1:19:26]“There's a really beautiful surprise that can happen when your goal is sincerely to open the channel of communication.” Tom Bilyeu [1:48:10]
At the beginning of the relationship, it's so effortless to be in each other's presence. Thanks to nature and biology, the hormones that flood our systems makes being in love the most magical experience in the world. There's never enough time together and you can't keep your hands off each other. Keeping that level of focus and attention on each other and the relationship as you progress through stages and settle together takes a lot of effort and skill (to do it well). Tom and Lisa are dedicated to one another and super excited to help other couples build a beautiful relationship. Today, that means getting strategic and intentional about the time you're giving to your relationship. Forget about how busy your days are, and forget about all the valid reasons you have to work later, focus on the kids, and help your family. Building a beautiful relationship means prioritizing time for intimacy, time for each other and time for connection. Consistently!Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Time for Intimacy | Couples can be as busy and Tom & Lisa and still prioritize intimacy [0:25]Keep the Sex Game Strong | Lisa highlights what you wear and the language you use [1:19]Schedule What's Important | Don't wait for impromptu moments, schedule time together [5:39]Be Focused on Each Other | Tom shares how he separates & values time for connection [7:28]Feeling Disconnected | How Lisa navigates feeling disconnected and reconnecting [10:17]QUOTES:“The more [time] you spend not connecting, the harder it is to come back.” Lisa Bilyeu [7:06]“This is work, and this is husband and wife. I don't try to mix the two or do a little bit of both at the same time.” Tom Bilyeu [8:16]“I work an obscene amount of hours, but I don't let that bleed into our time.” Tom Bilyeu [10:11]
Dealing with your partner's insecurities in the relationship gets very challenging. Because they are often triggered by something internal the work needs to come mainly from your partner. When you are committed and down for the long-term relationship, you realize that dealing with your own insecurities is more effective in creating and maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. Tom and Lisa share how Tom was able to recognize and address one of his own insecurities early in the relationship. It may be a surprise but at the root of your insecurity and your partner's insecurity is a challenge to your identity and personal values.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Free Your Insecurities | Tom shares how he handled his insecurities at the beginning [2:01]Identity Change | What you tie identity to in the relationship matters for your insecurities [7:11]QUOTES:“What set me free to deal with my insecurities was recognizing that I could get better.” To Bilyeu [2:12]“The real goal is to be desirous of a partner who is equally as powerful as you are.” Tom Bilyeu [6:40]
Have you experienced relationships centered around physical attraction? Relationships can fall apart for dozens of reasons, and physical attraction and sex appeal are definitely one of the major reasons. The truth is, we are all having a biological experience as Tom puts it, and in order to have a long lasting relationship,you have to understand human nature. Luckily, there is no pressure or obligation to agree or disagree with it, but as human beings there are natural tendencies we are biologically wired for. Tom and Lisa have a raw conversation about the nature of men and women's attraction to one another and what we can learn to value to overcome our biological impulses.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Nature of Attraction | Tom shares how important beauty is in a relationship [0:45]What to Value | Lisa and Tom on insecurities and choosing what to value in yourself [7:59]Losing Attraction | Tom breaks down the pain for men being viewed as harmless [10:31]QUOTES:“In life, you go through phases, enjoy every phase for what it has to offer.” Tom Bilyeu [5:29]“I recognize the danger in valuing my beauty or my physique or how I look [...] I'm not attached to that and I'm not feeling insecure about it.” Lisa Bilyeu [12:50]
Sexual pleasure between you and your partner is a must for a healthy relationship to thrive. When it comes to pleasing each other are you 100% sure you know how to satisfy your partner and are you giving each other the opportunity to explore (or at least discuss) your most intimate kinky little twists. How comfortable are you telling your partner about your sexual fantasies? Is fear of being judged or dismissed holding you back from sharing? If you were to share and your partner expressed excitement in helping you fulfill that fantasy would it be worth sharing? Talking about sex is rarely a casual or comfortable topic, but Tom and Lisa take away the shame and mystery and share reasons why you may want to have a talk with your significant other before the lights go out tonight.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Tell Him What You Want | Tom shares why men are eager to hear women's sexual wants [0:49]Embarrassed & Insecure | Lisa's experience being too embarrassed to talk about sex [5:41]Testing the Waters | How to build trust and experiment to see if you feel safe for more [8:19]Just Ask Her | Tom and Lisa reveal how to approach asking questions without judgement [12:30]QUOTES:“It didn't even dawn on me, I could have equal pleasure [...] that is one of the most vulnerable things. It's actually more vulnerable than just having sex.” Lisa Bilyeu [7:14]“How much can I trust you as my partner with things about myself? And so I actually wouldn't start with sex, I would start with other little things about me.” Lisa Bilyeu [8:24]“If you don't make me feel bad about asking, I won't make you feel bad about saying no…” Tom Bilyeu [13:56]
Having trust for others is never easy once you've been hurt, and yet is it a must for any relationship to thrive. How do you determine for yourself if you can trust your partner? Tom and Lisa discuss the most effective ways you can begin building trust with your partner and why trust with yourself is the key.“Trust is the only thing that can help relationships last a lifetime!” -Mohith AgadiRelationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Trust Yourself | Tom explains trusting yourself and reading vibes to determine trust [0:43]Listen to Your Gut | How to mark your gut instincts and see how things play out [3:18]Follow the Vibe | How Tom explores weird vibes and discards misreadings when needed [7:00]Ask Questions | Lisa and Tom discuss how to proceed with questions and getting better [10:57]QUOTES:“I wouldn't be silent, if something made me feel uneasy. If it made me feel uneasy, I wouldn't engage.” Tom Bilyeu [2:15]“You have to understand that intuition is trained, and that it becomes intuition once you've run enough cycles that you can do it subconsciously.” Tom Bilyeu [9:29]
What should you do when there is a collision of habits between you and your partner? One likes to get the day started early while the other gets rolling at night. Can you have a healthy and happy relationship when your routines collide with one another? Tom and Lisa address ways to keep your relationship at peace without causing each other absolute misery. Showing each appreciation of what you both do without turning anything into an expectation is necessary. Tom and Lisa reveal their secret communication tips to help you survive each other's crazy habits.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Daily Routine | How to adapt and compromise with each other's daily routine [0:23]Meaningful Habits | Ways to have your partner do meaningful things on a regular [3:44]Signaling Habits | Lisa on ways to communicate through habitual signals you both know [6:02]Messy Habits | When your habits don't align and one is messy the other is clean [7:34]Being Disrespectful | Tom on how to not agree peacefully without forcing values [10:48]QUOTES:“We have to say, we can't agree on this. I don't need you to adopt my values. But don't make your values my problem either.” Tom Bilyeu [11:27]
If you're in a long-term relationship or in the beginning of one, it's important to know that your sex life together will ebb and flow. With time couples often struggle with sexual intimacy for a number of reasons. I could be boredom or changing sex drives in one or both partners that makes sexual connection and satisfaction more difficult. Tom and Lisa open this conversation addressing the reality of mismatched sex drives, the biology and human experience that contributes to those changes, and dive into ways couples can communicate and support each other through loss of intimacy and sexual satisfaction so that no one is feeling rejected or alienated/Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Mismatched Sex Drive | How to accommodate each other and not feel badly about it [0:35]Changing Sex Drives | Tips for navigating changing sex drive with time in a relationship [9:55]Satisfaction Level | Understanding what it takes to satisfy each other and compromise [15:23]Talking Porn | Lisa shares about watching porn, having no secrets, and no judgment [18:37]No Judgment | Open space and judgment free zone for wanting sex and not wanting it [21:09]Sexual Compatibility | Compatibility of sex, values, and trust for serious relationships [25:22]Sex Drought | Lisa and Tom share different sides of a sexless time in their marriage [29:45]QUOTES:“Where a lot of the friction comes from is feeling like, either side is doing something wrong or doing something to hurt you” Tom Bilyeu [2:34]“How do we both get what we want? And that's the thing, we're always looking to compromise.” Lisa Bilyeu [6:55]“If you're in a committed loving relationship, and you're not thinking about what your partner wants, that is a horsemen of the apocalypse” Tom Bilyeu [7:37]“The thing that we settled on is, I'm never going to be afraid to ask for sex. And you should never be afraid to say no.” Tom Bilyeu [21:44]“The thing that we settled on is, I'm never going to be afraid to ask for sex. And you should never be afraid to say no.” Tom Bilyeu [21:44]“If you're having sex in order for them to value you, that's obviously a disaster waiting to happen. So just really thinking through what the reason is of why you want to have sex with them, and then just own the reason.” Lisa Bilyeu [27:41]
There are both physical and psychological benefits to having a healthy sexual relationship. Better immune system, lower blood pressure, better sleep, less stress, and increased intimacy and connection with your partner are just a few of the benefits a healthy sex life offers. Making sure that both you and your partner are satisfied takes a bit of skill with communication, but Tom and Lisa are sharing their best tips for how you can make that happen. Having a high functioning sex life is a must for any long term relationship. It takes intention and much effort, and has many rewards.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Sex First | Why settling with your first sexual partner may not be the best move long term [0:31]Compatibility | Not being compatible sexually can destroy your romantic relationship [4:55]Communication | Tom and Lisa demonstrate why words matter for connection & intimacy [7:45]Quality Sex Life | Feeling loved, sexy, and safe are parts of a quality sex life to aim for [12:00]Make Time for Sex | How Lisa handles a busy schedule and prioritizes a healthy sex life [17:50]Talk About Sex | How to tell your partner you're not satisfied and talk without judgment [22:00]What You Want | Set your partner up for success by telling them to what you want [32:32]QUOTES:“One of the best pieces of advice I ever got about sex was until you're able to talk about it openly don't have it.” Tom Bilyeu [2:47]“If you're not feeling connected, yep. Sex isn't just it's not always just the answer, it can be intimacy” Lisa Bilyeu [21:13]“There's no way to get the life that you want unless you're willing to articulate it” Tom Bilyeu [22:28]“For me to test you and then wait to see if you succeed or not, to me isn't a partnership” Lisa Bilyeu [33:59]
It's been reported that 10 million people every year are affected by family or domestic violence. Domestic violence takes on many forms such as physical, sexual, emotional and psychological abuse. If you are in a relationship that diminishes your value, who you are and makes you feel unsafe in any way, please know this is not okay. Tom and Lisa share their insights and thoughts on verbally emotional abuse and why it should never be tolerated. If you are struggling with any form of abuse, here is a number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES: Abusive Relationships | No patience for verbally emotionally abusive relationship [0:28]Confidence | Having confidence and self respect to not tolerate abusive behavior [4:31]QUOTES:“The only reason to be in a relationship is because you're somebody number one, you don't emotionally kick the crap out of somebody who's your number one” Tom Bilyeu[1:31]“Diminishing who they are as a person systematically breaking them, that's nasty” Tom Bilyeu [5:26]
At the root of some of the most common reasons relationships fail is a breakdown or lack of communication. Poor communication makes it difficult to connect and understand what you're both in need of. To feel heard, respected, and understood in any relationship seems like common sense, and yet so many relationships end because it's missing. Tom and Lisa share their experiences and lessons from 20+ years together on what it takes to communicate more effectively. Whether you want a simple text during the day or see that your partner is completely out of control you can use these strategies to get a more productive conversation started with your partner. Get proactive so you can prevent the same arguments and misunderstandings from happening again and again.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Feeling Distant | How to communicate when you're feeling distant and not connected [0:32]Know Your Patterns | Recognize patterns of disconnection and prevent future problems [5:59]Texting Rules | Agreeing on the expectation versus reality of texting during the day [10:40]Sanity Check | Trusting your partner when emotions cloud your reality and experience [21:59]Past Lessons | Why learning from past experiences is most important to be proactive [33:32]QUOTES:“Don't ever say the other person shouldn't be feeling something because you feel it and it's real.” Tom Bilyeu [7:45]“Don't dismiss the way the other person's feeling even if you don't feel like there's a reason for it.” Lisa Bilyeu [10:34]“You have to let the person really go deep into crazy land before you say you're being crazy.” Tom Bilyeu [28:06]“At the end of the day, the person that really has to get it together is the person that's going through that hard thing.” Tom Bilyeu [32:34]“one of the most powerful things couples can do is learn from the past.” Lisa Bilyeu [33:38]
The key to being married happily ever after is embracing change and the different phases life and your relationship will bring your way. Part of the human experience is evolution, so it is only natural that the person you start dating today will not be the same person you are with 5 or 10 years from now. Life, age and experiences change us all, and knowing that makes it a little easier for you to navigate how to share your life with the same person for 20+ years. Lisa and Tom are sharing the challenges and strategies that helped them navigate Lisa's transition from supportive housewife and CEO of Bilyeu Enterprises to hardcore, badass, co-founder and president of Impact Theory. The change was not easy but having this insight on how Lisa and Tom navigated uncharted territory may prepare you for the road ahead. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Disruptive Change | How Lisa made big changes by inviting Tom into the solution [0:42]Need to Change | How Lisa identified the need and desire to change [5:03]Don't Be Dismissive | How Lisa thought through not being dismissive of Tom's feelings [10:01]Foundation for Change | How Tom & Lisa's foundation made her change possible [13:19]Personality Change | Tom on how he was able to connect to Lisa's personality change [15:37]Finding Balance | How Lisa learned to pivot being hard in business and softer at home [22:32] QUOTES: “If you want someone [...] to be there when you're weak, you have to be honest about where you're weak.” Lisa Bilyeu [1:43] “You either bring them in to be a helpful source, or you push them away and say, I can do this by myself.” Lisa Bilyeu [7:00] “I want you to become whoever you want to become in order to be proud. And I want you to feel that you've become as powerful as you want to become.” Tom Bilyeu [21:49]
What do you do when you and your partner are ready to have kids, and have different views on the best way to raise them? As adults we each have different experiences growing up with how we were disciplined and the beliefs our parents gave us? For some people any form of discipline can be really harsh and too much to accept. For others discipline may have been a necessary evil they grew to appreciate. Whether you are an authoritative parent, permissive parent, or uninvolved parent, the point is when you plan for a family, co-parenting is something that must be discussed. Running through basic scenarios and understanding what pains your partner and what is of high importance is necessary to parent in peace and create a better experience for your child. Tom and Lisa unpack their views on spanking children for discipline and how to respect each other's opposing religious views. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Raising Children | Preparing to have children and discussing how to raise them [0:18]How to Discipline | Tom and Lisa share opposing views, to spank or not spank your child [1:15]Discuss Discipline | Why you need to decide how to discipline your kids ahead of time [5:20]Different Beliefs | Finding common ground when you don't agree on religious beliefs [5:51] QUOTES: “There's such a clear line between keeping someone in line and being abusive.” Tom Bilyeu [3:18] “You still should be who you truly are, and for me to ask you to be anything else, I don't think would have been fair, as a partner to do to you.” Lisa Bilyeu [9:35]
Feeling appreciated in a relationship can look like anything to anyone. Ask 20 people and you'll get 20 different responses. Obviously, being in a lifelong relationship means that you want your partner to be happy. You want to feel connected to your partner, and making sure he or she is feeling valued, heard, and appreciated is part of a healthy relationship. Tom and Lisa take a look at why being direct and asking your partner what they want, and doing the work to find out what their love language is will add to the health and value of your relationship. Key takeaway in this episode is to stop guessing and make a concerted effort to make your partner feel more loved and appreciated.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Ask Your Partner | Lisa explains why asking your partner is better than guessing [1:03]Know Their Love Language | Give your partner gifts that match their love language [2:40]Don't Judge | Lisa shares why you can't judge your partner's love language, respect it [6:22]Check-In | Tom discuss if gamifying a routine check-in with each other can be effective [9:35]Feedback | How to give each other feedback in ways that are easier to be received [14:16]Fishbowl Game | Tom reveals his fun feedback idea with a fish bowl and paper [18:56]QUOTES:“If you want to be happy, then you have to take off the judgment and be like, Okay, this is them.” Lisa Bilyeu [6:57]“When you have feedback like that, one, you want to give it as soon as you can. and two, you want to look for a moment where the person is receptive.” Tom Bilyeu [15:59]
Think back to the biggest argument you've had with your partner, or even a friend or family. Now that you have that argument in mind, explain to yourself what was the argument over. Was it over money, the way he or she said something or the way a situation was poorly handled? If you were to go and ask your partner what the argument was about and why it was such a big deal what would they say? Too often, arguments are created and blown out of proportion because both parties are arguing from a different perspective. Tom and Lisa recall their biggest fight and break down the extremely different frames of reference they each argued and fought from. When you are communicating, perspective matters. For Tom and Lisa, a life changing question emerged from their biggest fight that has changed the 18+ years following. “What is this really about?” Once you know what you are really arguing about and understand why the other person is equally upset and justified, then you can move forward together and address the root cause. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Biggest Fight | Lisa shares the biggest fight her and Tom ever had [0:21]What's True? | How arguments perpetuate over misperception of the situation [2:30]The Other Side | Tom shares a radically justified perspective of their biggest fight [5:14]The Big Insight | The one question that gave Tom the insight he needed to end the fight [8:12] QUOTES: “If someone who loves you, and that you love are going that head to head, you don't perceive the situation the same.” Tom Bilyeu [3:15]
Regardless of debt load, 41% of couples argue over money. Spending, saving, and deciding how to split finances are leading contributors to stress in relationships. Often one partner spends too much and money values collide. Everyone has different experiences growing up that shape their ideals and values around money, so how are couples supposed to navigate these murky waters? Tom and Lisa are sharing their experience with discovering each other's money values and how they started talking about finances to create money rules that served them well over 20 years.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, lifelong relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Value Conflict | Tactics to navigate differing money values in a relationship [1:24]Money Rules | Tom's advice for everyone across the board for handling money [3:15]Money Talk | Lisa on why having an open talk about money and no judgment is a must [5:31]Shared Goals | Why starting with a shared goal makes money decisions easier [6:45]QUOTES:“When someone has a conflicting value with you, they see the world in a way that you think is worse, [...] it really hits you in a visceral way of I don't like this.” Tom Bilyeu [2:22]“If you're unable to save, your lifestyle is out of control and you need to get your lifestyle to a point where you can save…” Tom Bilyeu [3:56]“Assuming that you have the shared goal of what you're trying to accomplish, then the collisions of values will all revolve around which one is going to move us towards the goal more effectively.” Tom Bilyeu [9:28]
Why is communication in your relationship so important? Not knowing how to express yourself or how to hear your partner's concerns can really break down a relationship's intimacy, connection, and ability to survive long term. When you don't feel understood you can easily feel isolated and uncared for by your partner. So, what's the fix? What's the best way to improve communication with your partner? Many people give advice on when to talk, and how to listen, but Tom and Lisa are breaking down 3 core things every healthy relationship needs to communicate better and thrive together. Feel heard and connected to your partner with tips you can start right now. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Defining Terms | [0:37]Problematic Words| [4:10]Theory of Mind | [10:33]Base Assumptions & Values | What you believe to be true about your worldview [13:24] QUOTES: “If you presume that the other person is interpreting things the same way, and then they're responding in a way that doesn't make sense to you. You end up escalating” Tom Bilyeu [1:10] “In a year or two years or three years, hopefully, if you want a long term relationship, that word now may carry a different type of weight than it did when you first established it.” Lisa Bilyeu [13:01]
Since you were a child romantic love stories were painted for you that reassure you that love was enough to face any bad guys, hurdles, and problems. When you grow up and experience relationships of all kinds, you quickly find out it's tough to love your way through certain disagreements. Being romantically involved with someone gets complicated. Tom and Lisa start here discussing when you move beyond the early days of physical attraction and the flood of chemicals that put you on cloud 9, what happens then? How do couples survive emotional outcries, insecurities, and arguments? If your goal is to make sure your relationship continues and is able to endure and sustain long term, this may be the most important advice you'll receive. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Love Isn't Enough | The controversy of love being necessary but not sufficient [0:27]Love Chasm | Why change during a relationship is what lies between love and divorce [1:53]Change | How change can cause big problems but communication is the solution [3:53] QUOTES: “It doesn't get you over your insecurities, it doesn't get you through arguments, it doesn't get you through disagreements and problems and hurdles, you can't just love your way out of it.” Lisa Bilyeu [1:36] “The bigger problem is that they never agreed on what it meant in the first place.” Tom Bilyeu [5:50]
Let's talk about sex! Believe it or not, there are couples that have been together for years and may even have children that are not comfortable with conversations about sex. Having open communication with about your sex life, desires and fantasies together is so important to the health and longevity of your sex life. Knowing when and how to find the right moment, the right questions and the right approach will not only improve your sex life, it can positively impact the health of your relationship and lives together. Let's take a deep dive into 3 tips Tom and Lisa are sharing to make your sex life over the top great together. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: TIP #1 | Talk about Sex More [0:34]Power Question | The right questions at the right time [7:33]What You Want | Tell your partner your needs and wants [11:10]TIP #2 | Identify Your Partner's Turn Ons [16:55]TIP #3 | Don't Wait Until Marriage [29:40]Compatibility | Being aligned and on same page [33:36] QUOTES: “Because the thing is to trick ourselves into thinking we're always giving our partners exactly what they need all the freakin time is absolutely putting blinders on.” Lisa Bilyeu [8:10] “One should want to guide their partner, but guide them to success.” Tom Bilyeu [13:42] “If you have it as this is the person I love most in the world, and I'm guiding them to a treasure, and I know that they're also going to guide me to a treasure, then it becomes beautiful.” Tom Bilyeu [15:31] “If you don't have sex beforehand, if you don't discuss it, especially, then you may end up in a relationship with someone that is that may be the antithesis of what sexually turns you on.” Lisa Bilyeu [33:43] “Communication isn't about what you say, it's about what the other person hears.” Tom Bilyeu [37:16]
Right now if you were asked to name the best example of a healthy relationship, who comes to mind? Is it someone close to you, your parents, grandparents or someone famous? When you look around for examples of healthy relationships it's important to look at all types of relationships. Honoring the challenges and turmoil you experience in your relationships is essential. Tom and Lisa share what they both picture to be examples of healthy relationships and why dysfunctionally toxic relationships draw more attention. A fresh perspective on how to view healthy and unhealthy relationships gives more insight on what you are doing well and what you and your partner can improve on. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Healthy Relationships | Tom explains what he believes is a beautiful relationship [0:46]Irreplaceable Bonds | Why Lisa believes the shared experience of a loving relationship [3:19]Dysfunctional | Why people are addicted to dysfunction over healthy relationships [5:03] QUOTES: “That understanding and that internal bond that no one else can take away, is so meaningful and so precious to me” Lisa Bilyeu [3:59] “Humans for whatever reason, just love anything that's heightened. They love the alteration of brain chemistry. Good bad, they just don't want indifferent” Tom Bilyeu [7:09]
Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Be Yourself | Why being honest is a must when you want to get serious [0:31]Impression Matters | Lisa shares experience keeping up her image in the beginning [1:40]Winning Strategy | How making an effort and being real about yourself is always best [3:39]Just Eat | Lisa reveals funny experience why not eating on a date doesn't make sense [5:29] QUOTES:“You have to make an effort. You've got to put your best foot forward, but I'm saying like, when somebody is asking questions about who you are, like be honest about who you are.” Tom Bilyeu [4:10]“The little things that I was worried about, like it doesn't make sense. [...] just be yourself.” Lisa Bilyeu [7:42]
Being independent is high on the list of many women. Taking care of yourself, not feeling like you need a man or anyone to give you value or level up is freeing and super empowering. Women have been singing about being independent since Destiny's Child made it an anthem you can dance to. But, how does being independent fit in when you want to be cared for, and you want to feel protected, or be rescued from yourself? Does wanting to feel secure and protected by your man jeopardize your independence, and is it an either or situation? Tom and Lisa unpack how being independent isn't the end all for women that still desire to be cared for and cuddled.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Feel Protected | Lisa on how women can be independent and want to feel protected [0:32]Feel Good | Tom on why doing what feels good to you is better than staying en vogue [2:29]Boundaries | Lisa on how having an alpha male to hold boundaries even if you can [6:35]QUOTES:“In society now, we've put pressure on women to be ‘stand alone,' like you have to be strong, like, who needs a man, [...] Desiring to have somebody to support you is completely normal.” Lisa Bilyeu [0:42]“Male or female, they may love the notion of being held and comforted and being supported and taken care of. I promise there's somebody out there that wants to be a caretaker and there's somebody out there that wants to be taken care of, and it's about finding that match.” Tom Bilyeu [6:16]
Were you ever warned about dating outside of your faith, outside of your political beliefs, and culture? Was it ever implied that “people like us…” you can finish the rest. Values matter and are not to be taken lightly when dating and looking for a long term relationship. What Tom and Lisa wrestle with in this episode is why values and beliefs are such a heavy topic to carefully consider when dating. There is a framework of values to be acknowledged and a mindset in which both partners need to carefully approach their differences, if they are to create a long-term marriage that is healthy enough to acknowledge the differences and cater to their common ground. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Shared Value | Value systems matter, curiosity helps to establish common ground [0:46]Respect | How honoring different values with respect for each other is necessary [6:10]Common Values | How to find common values around one you don't agree with [8:31]Framework Values | The agreement of how you navigate where value collides [12:16]Biological Timing | Why understanding that female hormones change and timing matters [14:39] QUOTES: “What we each demonstrated was a value of honesty, and a value of respecting that what is important to the other person in some way [...] needs to be important to me that it's important to you.” Tom Bilyeu [8:46] “The fact that something that will sound trivial to the audience can be so meaningful and remain meaningful to us over a very long period of time shows how important really figuring out your framework values is” Tom Bilyeu [13:41] “If you're trying to demean my position, whether you agree with it or not, it like them becomes a sticking point for me [...] about the fact that I feel undermined.” Lisa Bilyeu [14:21]
Long lasting relationships are like the super-fit healthy people we love to envy. It's easy to admire the results, but not many of us want to take the time, the discipline, and effort it takes to get those results. Handling the changing dynamics of a relationship as you and your partner grow individually and together takes work and strong communication skills. Tom and Lisa share why love isn't enough to make a relationship work and why the best policy is to appreciate and enjoy the many phases your relationship will go through as they come.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Relationship Skills | Tom on what it takes to grow in a relationship together [0:42]Love the Phases | Lisa reveals why embracing different phases of love is necessary [3:34]QUOTES:“Can you support the other person? Can you slow down so that they can be supported so that they can grow in the way that they want to grow? A lot of people can take, but not a lot of people can give.” Tom Bilyeu [1:25]“You need to give them the same space to be a fully fledged person to change over time, that you need to communicate with them and figure out who they're becoming and what they want.” Tom Bilyeu [2:55]“If all you're doing is in love with me for this period of my life, then we're dust. [....] it's never going to survive.” Lisa Bilyeu [7:44]
One thing nearly every single couple does is argue and have disagreements. Communication allows you both to heal and address the issues that cause the arguments, but what happens when those issues, however small, are not being addressed? Does being pissed off for a day or multiple times in a month, or a year lead to bigger problems? Is it normal to fall out of love with your partner or spouse? Being pissed is one thing, but being in a relationship with someone you no longer like or have love for is an entirely different thing. In this episode, the main things to know are:● Do not ignore red flags● Relationships take a lot of work from both partners● Speak up about what you want Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Prevention | Why Tom and Lisa has been able to avoid falling out of love with each other [0:41]Red Flags | Being annoyed with actions is not same as disliking someone, address it [1:54]Do the Work | Why would you want to stay in relationship with someone you don't like [4:36]Separate Happily | Lisa on her parents divorcing and being happier apart than together [7:09]Value-Add | Why relationships require work but should give you more value than it takes [9:37]What You Want | Speaking up about what you want is so important and selfish desires [12:24] QUOTES: “Being annoyed with someone hating what they do, is very different than hating the person. Being frustrated, being annoyed with them, being mad at them, being upset with them, is very different than not liking them.” Lisa Bilyeu [2:26] “It's way more important for us to be connected to never get to the point where I no longer like you or you no longer like me, and in order to do that, you have to say the hard thing, you have to say the things that no one wants to hear.” Lisa Bilyeu [4:18] “The cost of love is eternal vigilance, like you must be on that forever, you cannot take for granted not for a minute.” Tom Bilyeu [10:18]
Do you have rules of engagement on social media as a couple? Having open communication is a common theme and the foundation for the success of Tom and Lisa's 20+ years together. Being able to share with your partner how you feel about posting things that involve you and the relationship, or things that may indirectly include you is necessary. Tom and Lisa explore areas of posting you'll want to consider. Being open-minded in the beginning of the relationship and actively seeking what your partner's worldview of social media is will be critical for you to have a healthy relationship. Being a long-lasting happy couple starts with communication, respect, and thoughtfulness about what your partner is okay with both on social media and in everyday life. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Attention | Lisa on why Tom's attention and not feeling neglected is important [0:41]Posting Rules | Having conversation about what gets posted together or apart [2:55]Respect | How to tactfully navigate posting and honoring your partner's requests [7:42]Worldview | Your partner may have different worldview of social media and it's okay [9:57]The Question | Tom explains the most important question to ask about worldview [11:26]Changing Views | You can't expect your partner's view to change about social media [15:51] QUOTES: “Their worldview of social media is completely different. They seem like an alien to me, and I probably seem like an alien to them.” Lisa Bilyeu [10:11] “Don't judge them for doing something that may seem completely bizarre to you because they may not realize it's bizarre.” Lisa Bilyeu [11:17] “It is entirely crazy to me that people will give up things that they're deeply passionate about, because it doesn't jive with that other person.” [11:47] Tom Bilyeu
So, you found the love of your life and you have so much in common. What happens when you reach a point where you have to go with your gut and it's telling you to take a different route than you planned. The anxiety of turning down unknown possibilities and closing doors you thought made sense can be debilitating. When you add to that anxiety the realization of having to break this to your partner it can feel like cutting yourself off from air. You are entitled to change directions and take different paths even when they don't align with the things that bond and connect you and your partner. Being supported and having the wisdom to know how to go about doing so without damaging your relationship is what Tom and Lisa are discussing in this episode. The task of closing doors that don't serve you, changing directions and going after new dreams while making sure to not lose yourself in your partner's passions and ambition takes awareness of self and a strong sense of your identity. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Shutting Doors | Tom on why deciding what opportunities to not pursue was so important [0:46]Changing Dreams | Lisa's response to Tom changing the dream that bonded them [3:03]Losing Yourself | Losing yourself over to someone's passion and lack of strong identity [5:35] QUOTES: “Most people don't have anything to give up. They don't have a sense of identity, they don't know who they are, they don't know what they want, they don't have a strong sense of path and course and purpose, and because they don't have that they get swept up in the person who has more of that” Tom Bilyeu [8:00] “It really is going into a relationship where like, what is important to you? And what are the things that for you, you have to keep for yourself and make sure that you don't let go of those things.” Lisa Bilyeu [11:13]
Are you using your partner to overcome insecurities and selfishly get what you want? We've all been there at some point, and that's okay. There are times when feeling insecure just happens and you need to work through those feelings. But how do you work through those feelings without destroying your relationship? Tom and Lisa share how they work through this situation and find ways to support each other, and discuss when it's possibly time to seek professional help and more intense options to help your partner through insecurities when their behavior becomes irrational. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Security | Being in relationship is with the security to be comfortable leaning on partner [0:35]Irrational | Dealing with insecure behaviors that no longer makes sense for situation [3:31]Get Help | When it's time to get professional help and using cognitive behavior therapy [4:55]Work Together | Helping your partner through their insecurities and doing the work [7:27]Confidence | The danger of overly relying on your partner to help you with confidence [10:54]2 Part Solution | Finding balance of leaning on you partner and doing work for yourself [12:44] QUOTES: “So being in a relationship is a sacrifice. The question is, what do you get out of the relationship that's worth all the sacrifices?” Tom Bilyeu [1:37] “Like it was easy when it was easy. Now I get to earn my stripes on it's hard and I get to really find that connection again.” Tom Bilyeu [9:52] “If I'm just relying on you to give me confidence and to make me feel okay with my insecurities, then I think it could be dangerous” Lisa Bilyeu [12:06] “When someone's insecure or having trouble or feeling down or something like that, there's got to be a beautiful balance of love, support, emotional support but also pushing them to be better.” Lisa Bilyeu [15:56]
If you're not in a relationship and you're debating if you should pursue love and building a relationship first or going after your business or career goals, this may be the advice you've been waiting for. Tom believes 100% that going after your ambition should be a priority long before pursuing a relationship. Yet, this isn't exactly how things worked out for himself and Lisa. Though it makes sense to go all out and pursue your dreams and ambitions, there is an upside to falling head over heels for the love of your life. Tom and Lisa recount how love and marriage have affected their goals to pursue entrepreneurship from the very beginning. If you can't avoid which comes first, Tom and Lisa's experience fully captures what it looks like to find a partner for life that challenges you, that compliments your drive and gives you the push and support you need. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Ambition First | Prioritize ambition over relationships if you favor time & energy to succeed [0:43]Being Supported | When a partner supports you & becomes a teammate to push you [6:18]Taking the Lead | How knowing role of leadership helps an ambitious partner forward [12:25]Sparring Partners | Cultivating dynamic environment to push and challenge your partner [15:04] QUOTES: “When you're on the team, your performance matters and it affects other people and so I love [...] that pressure of I'm going to fucking show up for this team. I'm going to perform at the highest level you can count on me.” Tom Bilyeu [8:50] “I am so impressed by your ability to wade through a river of emotional punishment, when you really believe in something, and I hate at the same time.” Tom Bilyeu [12:48] “At some point they have to make the decision as the leader and in our relationship it's very important to know that role..” Lisa Bilyeu [13:18] “You're convincible, but you're never going to be pushed around and because of that, it lets me go hard” Tom Bilyeu [15:04] “I want you to be strong, I want you to push me. I want you to sometimes argue my beliefs, because I don't know if I'm right sometimes, and being pushed allows me to think through the situation and then articulate it.” Lisa Bilyeu [16:13] “Instead of feeling like I've now been diminished, or now I've been proven wrong, and that makes me stupid [...] you've actually just enlightened me to something and now I can be stronger for it, and I can look at you as my husband as empowering me.” [17:58]
Being married and having children demands a certain amount of time, energy and effort thanks to spoken and unspoken expectations. Your time, however, must also be reserved for prioritizing your own needs and not just everyone else's. Tom and Lisa are discussing how to stand up to your overly demanding family and prioritize your own selfish needs. It's a process and if you've been putting everyone else first for the last several years, this will take a great amount of effort, but it will be worth it. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Demonstrate | How to make your family feel important and why you need selfish time [0:44] Selfish Pivot | The best way to rebuild your identity after years of putting you to the side [4:39] Carving Space | Actual tips for carving space and creating boundaries with your family [6:46] Small Things | Understand and define what's really meaningful for your family and spouse [7:52] Boundaries | Be clear with your family about expectations and enforce your boundaries [9:14] Guilty Transition | Value of being consistent and dealing with the guilt of being selfish [11:18] QUOTES: “I'm going to do what the fuck I want to do, I'm going to build the life I want to build that is that that's a non negotiable.” Tom Bilyeu [1:22] “You have to make those people feel that they are your number one, but that does not mean that they get the majority of your time” Tom Bilyeu [4:25] “I'm the type of person that realizes you will be fucking consumed by other people if you let it. And while it's amazing for them, it is ultimately corrosive for you.” Tom Bilyeu [5:35] “Being a good mother you should be happy within yourself, with being a great wife, you need to be content with yourself, and so if you're not working on that, then you can't deliver.” Lisa Bilyeu [12:31]
Being in a sex deprived marriage or relationship doesn't sound like the goal everyone is aiming for, yet so many people have found themselves in this exact situation. The number of reasons you may be experiencing this in your particular relationship could be anything. Tom and Lisa are answering the question, how to survive a sexual drought when the sex drive is super low. They get super vulnerable as Lisa shares her experience feeling less sexual and not being able to have sex as often because of her medical issues. They are sharing the 2 biggest pieces of advice to help you thrive and survive your next sex drought. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Understanding | Why it's not a sexual drought when there are serious medical issues [0:45] No Pressure | Lisa on how supportive Tom was during her medical issues, no pressure [1:41] Feeling Sexual | Feeling less sexual and badly even if your partner is being supportive [3:07] Open Talks |Having open talks about how you're feeling, no judgement, just check in [4:40] Incest Taboo | A sexless marriage gives room for incest taboo, turning into roommates [6:19] Maintenance | 2 ways to keep your relationship alive: frequent sex & communication [9:42] Compromising | When sex drives are mismatched and not aligned, meet in the middle [12:09] Changing Love | Tom on ways to fall in love again with physical changes & feel desired [13:54] Secret to 20 Years | Lisa shares how having the uncomfortable conversations is the key [17:25] QUOTES: “Be open about how you're feeling. It's no judgement, it's no pressure on the other person.” Lisa Bilyeu [4:43] “You have to have sex often. You have to be very thoughtful not to let much time elapse. because it keeps that relationship dynamic alive.” Tom Bilyeu [9:45] “In a marriage, you have to negotiate this stuff, and that means that each of you are going to give a little.” Tom Bilyeu [13:00] “Why isn't he attracted to me anymore?', [...] because neither of you ever created the space in the first place that you could have the honest discussion” Lisa Bilyeu [19:08]
When it comes to dating, choosing the right person to give a try, or not, can be so tricky. You need to have a set of standards, boundaries and a list of qualities and traits you use when deciding who to date. You've heard it before and it's worth repeating again, “selection matters.” The question is how do you begin to make a list of those qualities, beliefs and values and prioritize them. Many of you may agree that starting with standards and boundaries is a great move, but how much weight does that list of qualities hold? Tom and Lisa discuss how much they each hit the mark (or not) on each other's list of predetermined desired traits. It comes down to knowing your personal values, knowing what qualities you're looking for, and it's more important to be open to unexpected new things, and discovering who someone is. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Preconceived Notions | Why relying on your instincts over a premade checklist is better [1:32] Fundamentals | Lisa shares why fundamentals are more important than characteristics [5:23] Be Open | discovery and open to unexpected [8:39] QUOTES: “With online dating you're really making a decision on paper before you make a decision in real life.” Tom Bilyeu [2:45] “If I had made sure you had to hit these marks before going on that first date, I don't know if we ever would have gotten that first date, and then within that I found all these small intriguing things I never realized existed” Lisa Bilyeu [7:49]
Friends and family are obviously not always going to agree or even understand the decisions you are making in your relationship. What is decided between you and your partner really doesn't concern others. But, when you are driven for success and the people around you don't understand why you are doing the things you do, it gets frustrating. Tom and Lisa give their take on how to think through a family that doesn't know how to support you, and navigating the thought process, are these people coming from a place of good intentions and well meaning for you and your partner or not. Aside from Tom's advice to have absolute clarity of the vision you are aiming for, Lisa's advice is the perfect compliment, to not allow their doubts to poison your thoughts. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice to help you build a beautiful relationship. SHOW NOTES: Holding You Back | Why family try to hold you back and protect you from pain and failure [0:38] Judging Your Partner | When people think you're partner's decisions are foolish [3:34] Gifted Doubt | Tom shares how to leverage people not believing in you as motivation [7:36] Family Pressure | Feeling like you always have to justify and not allowing doubt in [9:45] QUOTES: “They're putting limitations on because they love you, they care about you, they're worried about you, they want you to be successful, but they define success oftentimes as the freedom from suffering.” Tom Bilyeu [2:08] “It doesn't matter what other people think. And even if we failed, I had to get okay with being okay to fail” Lisa Bilyeu [7:04] “If you know how to leverage the people who want for your failure, if you know how to leverage the people who don't believe in you and you can believe in yourself in those moments [...] it's a gift” Tom Bilyeu [9:19] “This is my life, this is no one else's, and as long as me and you are on the same page, and as long as me and you have that same vision and are both in communication about what we're doing and in what those next steps are, it doesn't matter what other people think.” Lisa Bilyeu [12:27] “Whether it's somebody with good intentions, somebody that has bad intentions, it's irrelevant, like performance wins.” Tom Bilyeu [12:56]
Being told the truth can sting. If it touches on a matter that is emotional for your partner then it is important it's done with respect and love. But what about when the subject is not so serious and you aren't a fan of the shirt your partner decided to wear to dinner? Or maybe your partner just has bad breath and it needs to be said. How you deliver the truth is ultra important.Tom and Lisa dive into this question and discuss what matters enough to be said and when omitting the truth about how you feel on something may be permissible. The goal is to never weaken your relationship, and how you communicate truth to one another needs to be handled very carefully. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Honesty | Tom and Lisa discuss filtering thoughts vs. carefully presenting your thoughts [0:27] Omitted Truth | Deciding the kinds of things to just not say versus not lying to your partner [1:48] Truth Threshold | How much truth is necessary, what is an absolute thing to be said [4:32] Hiding Truth | Distinguishing what you're deliberately hiding and what matters to be told [6:11] QUOTES: “No matter how hard it is, no matter how small or big it is, we have to always be honest with each other.” Lisa Bilyeu [2:00] “You're way better to err on the side of too much information than not enough.” Tom Bilyeu [6:17] “You're never going to have the relationship you want to have unless you're open about virtually everything.” Tom Bilyeu [6:38] “I don't think of it as being too much information because that's what makes it too much, is the irrelevancy. Once it's relevant, it's not too much information.” Tom Bilyeu [9:37]
You may agree, there is nothing more exhilarating than a brand new relationship. You're excited, the chemistry is strong, and sexual compatibility is perfect. When the novelty begins to wear off and the 1st week turns into the 1st month, the 1st year and suddenly 5 years or more have passed, where is your excitement level? How is the chemistry and sex life years later for most couples? Tom and Lisa tackle the question, how much do you need to work on the relationship and if chemistry should still be present. The cliff notes version of this is yes! If you want a long lasting healthy relationship, it takes work and it takes more effort than you think. Tom excitedly declares, when you're with the right person, it can be “the ride of a lifetime.” Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice to help you Build a Beautiful Relationship. SHOW NOTES: Nonstop Work | Tom on why it requires nonstop work to grow and it starts with chemistry [0:42] Chemistry Not Enough | Lisa on why chemistry is needed at first but it's not enough alone [2:55] Female Chemistry | Women need trust and chemistry to feel sexual gratification [4:19] Put In Work | Tom reflects on how every aspect of life with value requires effort [5:07] Meaning of Work | Why the word “work” has negative connotation. What it really means [6:33] Effort | Swapping the word ‘work' for ‘effort' and understanding everything takes effort [8:26] Worth the Effort | Lisa on how marriage hasn't been easy but it's been worth the effort [9:50] QUOTES: “There are a number of hours that we have spent having conversations I think neither of us wanted to have. Because they make you feel emotions, you don't want to feel or they're tedious. But oh my god, are they rewarding.” Tom Bilyeu [2:40] “We work very hard to maintain the chemistry to maintain our relationship to maintain our closeness” Lisa Bilyeu [3:55] “We want love to be this magical thing that sort of sits outside of real life, but everything in my life, [...] requires work and focus and effort.” Tom Bilyeu [5:30] “When you make this statement, ‘Oh, I love my job so much. It doesn't even feel like work.' My thing is that actually almost certainly isn't true. It's that you love something so much, it's worth the work.” Tom Bilyeu [7:47]
When you or your partner set goals, support and encourage each other. When either of you behave in a way that is less desirable and not obvious, do you let it go or speak up? In real meaningful relationships, having difficult conversations are unavoidable and necessary. If you and your partner have built trust into your foundation then needing to say hard things to your partner can be a little easier (though still uncomfortable) and better received (though it may sting). Tom and Lisa emphasize the importance of why trust is desperately needed in the relationship to deliver feedback that is difficult or negative. Also, the value of conversations ahead of time sets the flow and expectation you have for each other. So, if you've found yourself in this situation lately or it hasn't happened yet, Tom and Lisa are breaking down everything you need to have the best relationship and the best outcome possible when the truth is a must and feelings are on the line. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Trust | Tom on why difficult feedback has to come from love and trust in a relationship [0:40] Blind Spots | Why you both need to crave seeing what you're blind to and trust each other [2:54] Buy In | Lisa explains why your partner needs to buy into wanting to hear hard truths [4:22] Accountable | Why waiting for your partner to complain first is more effective [5:23] QUOTES: “You have to covet hearing the hard things, and ironically, it's almost always harder to say the hard things than it is to hear it because you know how you're going to make the other person feel.” Tom Bilyeu [1:29] “When you tell me something that's a shortcoming, I trust you that you're saying it for my own good.” Lisa Bilyeu [10:11]
In a healthy relationship communication is literally everything. When you are in pain, frustrated, excited, pissed or anxious, it's a beautiful thing to be able to speak with your partner about anything and everything. However, there is a line and capacity you don't want to abuse. If the majority of your conversations and interactions are negative, extra needy, or filled with complaints about everything, there are two things you should be aware of. Tom and Lisa explain why having healthy friendships outside of the relationship or marriage can be beneficial, and why it's important that you check yourself on the negative chatter. There is no one around, not even yourself that would want to take part in a friendship or relationship where 80% of the conversations are filled with negativity. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Value of Friends | Tom on why friendships are valuable but not a necessity in relationship [0:44] Being Needy | If there's lots of emotional needs spread it out and making effort to soothe [1:13] Negative Space | Why spending majority relationship time in negativity is a losing strategy [3:09] Do The Work | You need to do the work, focus on fixing the negativity issue an bring joy [3:51] QUOTES: “If you're spending the majority of our relationship time in a negative space [...] it's a bad fucking strategy.” Tom Bilyeu [3:10] “Find people because that shit is fun. It shouldn't be because you just focus in a negative place and your partner's like burning out.” Tom Bilyeu [5:07]
Betrayal in any relationship is so difficult to deal with, but when it's in a romantic relationship it's even messier. Everyone's beliefs, experiences, and ideas of what infidelity really looks like is so different. While there is no judgement for how one relationship views it versus another, it's still very hurtful for the person in a relationship that has their trust broken. Trust is such a delicate thing. It's very difficult to build and takes so much time. Like a priceless glass vase, it can be shattered quite easily as well. If your partner has cheated on you, or perhaps you have cheated on your partner, it is important to understand the context of this episode is based around fidelity and trust as Tom and Lisa have defined it for themselves. It is so important that you have conversations with your partner to define your own lines of trust so that you are both clear how to avoid breaching those lines to build a long lasting, healthy and happy relationship. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: 2nd Chances | Lisa on why cheating is non-negotiable with no 2nd chances [0:31] No Reasons | Lisa on how reasons for cheating reveals something broken in relationship [1:26] Broken Trust | Tom on why being someone's number one and the need for trust is critical [2:58] Be 100% | Not being in a relationship where fear is a factor requires being all in with trust [5:40] QUOTES: “It's not about the cheating itself. It's about what caused you to do that.” Lisa Bilyeu [1:30] “To feel like you're somebody's number one, I think that's probably the most intoxicating thing about a relationship.” Tom BIlyeu [3:36] “Everybody just has to draw their own line, say this is what's important to me, this is what I'm willing to put up with...” Tom Bilyeu [7:23]
This is a judgement free zone. If you're not comfortable talking about sex, you may not be ready for sex yet. When it comes to dating, the million dollar question for men and women comes down to having sex on the first date and knowing when is the right time to have sex? Does having sex on the first date or too early in the relationship compromise your values or dampen your chemistry and compatibility? Tom and Lisa keep it straight forward and discuss their thoughts on having sex early in the relationship and on the first date. This topic ultimately comes down to being responsible, assessing the risk and determining what is safe for you given your particular situation. So, let's talk about sex on first dates. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: 1st Date Sex | Tom shares a male's perspective having sex on the first date [0:48] Feeling Safe | The importance of feeling safe and accurately assessing character [2:46] Moving Fast | Tom talks about why moving too fast is an individual decision not a rule [3:56] Compatibility | Lisa on why sexual compatibility is a must for a long term relationship [4:25] Taking it Slow | Be clear on the why you're having sex and what you really want out of it [5:47] Danger | Tom on being safe and the need to be thoughtful and have trust before sex [7:13] Sex Journey | Tom explains how getting to the part of having sex is truly a journey [9:02] QUOTES: “If it's a long term relationship, I think I would take it slower [...] take more time to hear what their values are to see if we are compatible in mindsets, compatible in the way that we think, and then I would build the trust and then have sex. “ Lisa Bilyeu [6:12] “If you don't know and trust that person and feel like you're communicating well, that could get dicey. It's an intense proposition. People do need to be super thoughtful about how they handle it.” Tom Bilyeu [8:14] “The reality is that sex is this thrilling, fascinating, risky, dangerous, bizarre, beautiful thing, and that we get to take advantage of it that we get to have those experiences is really extraordinary.” Tom Bilyeu [11:26]
Every relationship experiences times when you feel less appreciated or your partner says or does something that leaves you feeling hurt. How do you let your partner know that you're not feeling appreciated? How do you let them know what they said was kind of hurtful? Tom and Lisa have lots of experience to share and in this episode they're breaking down simple tips to help you open up to your partner without making them feel attacked. Sometimes the hardest part of addressing the things that hurt us in our relationships is doing so without putting the other person on the defensive. It's all about the delivery and timing with your partner that determines how successful you are in communicating your feelings. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Start Positive | Lisa explains why starting with positivity helps your partner hear you [0:42] Be Authentic | Tom shares why being respectful and honest when giving feedback is best [3:09] Timing | Know the best time to have conversations before it builds up and being tactful [5:18] Key to Kingdom | Tell your partner about the behaviors you want from them beforehand [8:27] QUOTES: “When you start with something negative no matter what I say after that, [...] you almost don't hear it.” Lisa Bilyeu [1:18] “If you criticize somebody, they are at least for a brief period of time, they are going to feel attacked” Tom Bilyeu [3:58] “Tell the other person how to reach you in difficult moments, tell the other person when a good moment is for something like that, and then deliver it in a way that is tactful and not aggressive and not meant to be hurtful.” Tom Bilyeu [5:49]
Family relationships are so important. Within the same family both healthy and unhealthy relationships can exist. The relationships you have with different family members shape you and impact your view of the world. Sadly there seems to be those few people in every family that always get a pass on their bad behaviors. They do something unacceptable or say something outrageous and everyone is like, ‘it's okay, you know how she is.' How much poor behavior is excusable and tolerable when they continue to hurt feelings and cross the line? If you're like Lisa, you may be the person that feels compelled to step in and call out the bad behavior, but does that resolve anything? If you're like Tom, it may be easier for you to not engage and be more dismissive of their disruptive behavior. Either way, Tom and Lisa break down the advantages and disadvantages to both responses and share strategies for how to respond (or not respond) when it feels like a losing battle. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Stepping In | Lisa on when stepping in makes situation worse and can be just as bad [0:52] Accept People | How to see that inappropriate behavior can come from insecurity also [4:21] Boundaries | Be clear on where you draw the line there is no moral insecurity to fight over [5:32] Feeling Attacked | Why feeling attacked doesn't mean you need to convince anyone [7:02] Being Right | The problem trying to prove you are right and knowing a losing strategy [12:30] QUOTES: “Inserting myself into a situation where it's you and someone else, especially if it's a family member. Now I'm just becoming more of a problem than I am the resolution.” Lisa Bilyeu [3:17] “When somebody is able to get under your skin, it's because you're insecure. And when they're trying to get under your skin. It's because they're insecure.” Tom Bilyeu [6:02]
Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Defined Role | Why it's not overstepping when you know your role in the company [0:25] Backseat Dynamic | How to navigate the dynamics of being in your spouse's business [2:27] Respect | The best way to show respect and still speak up when you feel the need [5:33] QUOTES: “If you've got a great idea, speak up, but if they don't pay attention to it, don't get offended by it.” Lisa Bilyeu [5:33]
In the beginning stages of falling in love almost nothing your partner does could ever bother you. After the honeymoon phase is over and things start to settle you may start to notice habits and behaviors that are annoying or even make you uncomfortable. So how do you deal with your partner's annoying behavior without hurt feelings and before you reach the point of no return? Tom and Lisa share how and why it's important to have these hard conversations. Perhaps more importantly, they break down exactly why the value system you build your relationship on is so critical and must consist of trust and honesty at its foundation. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Honesty First | Why being honest and having trust allows you to say hard things [0:49] Hard Talks | How to have the hard conversations when your partner annoys you [1:50] Perspective | Tom the importance seeing your partner's world and reasons first [4:17] Approach | There is no right or wrong in seeing the experience for both of you [8:22] What's Important | Why you have to know what's important for each other [9:53] QUOTES: “Approach the situation knowing it's real that it bothers me, and the only thing that will make it bother me more is if I can't talk about it.” Tom Bilyeu [3:12] “I have to speak up, I have to say that this is bothering me. And as a promise, you need to hear me.” Lisa Bilyeu [11:06]
One of the more uncomfortable conversations to bring up when your dating is talking honestly about how many sexual partners and relationships you've had. While they are uncomfortable, there is an internal peace and confidence you can have from knowing yourself and having learned a few things along the way. Afterall, you'll never know your favorite brand of ice cream until you've tried a couple flavors at least. But, what about people that never explore or experience relationships and go straight into a lifelong commitment without knowing any other experiences, good or bad, except the one they commit to? Does it work out, or does it end in regret and a longing for all the opportunities missed? Tom and Lisa discuss the upside of gaining experience prior to settling down as well as the potential downside of missing out on true love because you've used too much time exploring opportunities and experiences. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Bad Strategy | Why heading into marriage without experience may be bad strategy [1:05] Know Yourself | Tom explains the value of being on your own and figuring out yourself [2:30] F.O.M.O. | Deciding to forsake others versus lamenting you've never been with others [4:18] Benefit of Experience | Lisa on how experiences can help you see what you really want [6:19] QUOTES: “every human being needs to go out into the woods, and get lost and find themselves before they get in a relationship.” Tom Bilyeu [3:02] “Experiences do kind of help show you what you like, what you don't like, and what is for you and what isn't for you” Lisa Bilyeu [7:50] “Weigh the options and then make a decision and go like go down that path and don't look back” Lisa Bilyeu [9:08]
How necessary is it for both you and your partner to be in the same phase of life for the relationship to work? Selection definitely matters when it comes to choosing who you want to share your life with, and who you decide to share time and resources with matters as well. But, what happens when you have a growth mindset and clarity on the direction you want to take your life in, but the person you love and want to be with isn't sure about their own path? Healthy, long term relationships don't require you to agree on everything, and it doesn't mean that you see eye to eye on everything either. Differences between you and your partner can make the relationship interesting, meaningful, exciting, and worth fighting for. However, mindset matters and may be more important than chemistry and your sex life together. Tom and Lisa discuss how and under what circumstances incompatible mindsets will break a relationship and when it's worth the effort to stay together. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Selection Matters | Tom emphasizes the importance of choosing who you date wisely [1:00] Help Your Partner | How to help your partner find their path and passion with compassion [1:47] Incompatible Mindset | Not wanting to give up on your partner's mindset if potential exist [4:56] QUOTES: “I think having one fixed mindset, one growth mindset is a recipe for disaster.” Tom Bilyeu [1:35]
In any healthy and lasting relationship, effective communication is necessary. Unfortunately, in a relationship you don't always agree on how to arrive at the outcome, even when you both agree on the end result. Tom and Lisa break down strategies that have worked for them when they don't see eye to eye. How they communicate and get to the root of what is actually going on is one of the most important strategies that have helped. Finding common ground over the things that are mutually beneficial and that ultimately, bring you together is a powerful technique to getting past the small things. If you need to find better ways to communicate this will help you learn how to peel back the layers that are blocking your progress and happiness, and get to the center of what will move your relationship forward to the next level together. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Don't Judge | Tom explains why the #1 rule is to not be judgemental of each other [0:57] Golden Ticket | Able to communicate, insecurities and pettiness to get pass the major shit [2:40] Vulnerability | Why it feels good and validates you even when your perception differ [4:57] Different strategies | Why it's better to align over the goal not on how you get it [5:38] QUOTES: “The only baseline element that is needed for our belief system to make sense as a growth mindset.” [2:10] “If I had to put my finger on and say this is where we've really won, it's that we're able to communicate our insecurities, our pettiness, to get beyond the tea as we call it.” [2:47] “Whatever your like thing is, even if it's petty, even if it's insecurity, even if it's jealousy, strip the emotion away and just say what it is” [4:17] “If you do want to get this result out of me, this is actually a tweak to strategy that I think you need because otherwise I'm not going to be able to get there” [6:52]
Boundaries are absolutely necessary, and without a doubt you should have personal boundaries in any healthy relationship. But what do you do when your boundaries are getting in the way of you creating a relationship? Are you stuck in a place where you want to get into a relationship, or maybe you want to take it to the next level, but you're stumbling over being too rigid or too laxed on your personal boundaries? Tom and Lisa walk you through several scenarios that may be tripping you up when it comes to setting boundaries and being relaxed enough to give the relationship space and opportunity to grow. As with every healthy relationship, communication is at the center of this issue as well. From being open, to defining types of boundaries, to recognizing your base assumptions, these tips will definitely help you. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Open to Relationship | Why single person thinking in a relationship defeats the purpose [1:58] Create Boundaries | How Tom and Lisa established boundaries when they started dating [4:48] Hard & Soft Boundaries | Why preset boundaries can be a problem and non-negotiables [6:28] Framing Boundaries | 2 responses to boundaries tested, shut it down vs. maybe later [8:48] Introducing Boundaries | Lisa's advice for how to address boundaries at the right time [10:11] Communicate | How you communicate your boundaries and limits is critical [12:30] Taken Advantage Of | Why Tom says people don't take advantage of you they only try [15:15] Assign Levels | Lisa shares example and reason assigning levels helps communication [18:05] Base Assumptions | The problem when both people think things are self evidently clear [20:19] Appreciate Friction | Why friction between people can be desirable & best for attraction [24:07] QUOTES: “Part of the joy of being in a relationship is to actually open yourself up to being a pair, and you've got to want that.” Tom Bilyeu [2:40] “Be in a relationship, don't be in a relationship doesn't really matter, but whatever you do, do it all the way. Like if you're going to be in a relationship, be in a relationship.” Tom Bilyeu [3:47] “Setting boundaries beforehand can be a little dangerous, because you may be setting some interest, you may be closing yourself off.” Lisa Bilyeu [7:13] “It's not that people are taking advantage of you because you either let that happen or you don't, but people can overextend.” Tom Bilyeu [16:21] “We may not agree with each other, a collision of values, but now we can understand each other, and that alleviates a lot.” Tom Bilyeu [23:35] “Public service announcement: In life, people have got to want a diversity of opinion. You've gotta want it. You have to believe that what makes the world work is the friction between competing viewpoints.” Tom Bilyeu [24:13]
No doubt there are things you sacrifice in every relationship. Sometimes the sacrifices are mutual and other times they tend to be more one sided. The time comes when you have to ask yourself, who's the sacrifice for? Is it for you or for your partner? You can't be annoyed if your sacrifice is not appreciated or well received. Tom and Lisa share several of their own examples and explain why it may be better to give the gift your partner values and wants to receive, or accept that the sacrifice is something you're doing to align with your own identity and reasons with no expectations. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Mutual Sacrifice | How to employ daily or weekly sacrifices for each other in relationship [0:29] Compromise | Tom shares why compromise is like sacrifice [1:06] Small Sacrifices | Lisa explains why the small sacrifices matter [1:32] Physical Sacrifice | Tom explains how he takes on physical sacrifice for Lisa [2:01] Time Sacrifice | Lisa shares how time is sacrificed for ambition and support [3:38] One Sided Sacrifice | How self-imposed sacrifices can go not well received or appreciated [4:53] QUOTES: “Give the gift the other person will actually be able to receive because they want it.” Tom Bilyeu [5:59]
There is something beautiful and magical about being able to witness and experience the growth of the people you love. In romantic relationships it is also to get caught up in the selfishness of not wanting the person you married to change who they are or the things they do. True love and successful life long relationships require you to have the hard conversations and be supportive of each other as you both evolve to new heights, dream bigger, and become more ambitious and capable. Having a front row seat to that kind of journey can make the connection between you two even stronger. Tom and Lisa discuss the importance of not ever needing to choose between your ambitious goals and the love of your life. Seeing each other through the turning points with admiration and love in your eyes is definitely the way to go if you're down to ride to the end. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Not Choosing | Why you shouldn't have to choose between ambitious goals & relationship [0:43] Drawn to Ambition | Supporting the drive that attracted you doesn't mean take from it [4:18] Working Together | Why working requires rules of engagement but can be great [5:52] Turning Points | Valuing the turning points and witnessing each other's grow [6:24] QUOTES: “The relationship wouldn't be able to survive somebody saying, you should stop being ambitious, or you should stop your quest for self mastery” Tom Bilyeu [1:00] “I know what is ultimately the most important thing. And if you're not happy, and you're not driven, then me and you are not as connected.” Lisa Bilyeu [4:59]
There are so many stereotypes out there for men and women, especially around communication. Women talk more than men. Men talk to get things done, and women talk for emotional connection. While there is a bit of truth in every stereotype, it's more important to recognize that men and women should be treated as individuals not as categories. If you're in a relationship with a partner that is way more verbal than you are, we've got tips and a few tricks you can use to deepen your connection and make your relationship more meaningful. Regardless if you or your partner prefer to speak less, communication is a must and of the highest importance in any loving and long lasting relationship. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Question | How to encourage verbal communication with a partner that doesn't say much [0:21] Talkative Partners | Why women have been noted to speak 3 times more than men [0:54] Quiet Partners | Why being quiet isn't best for the relationship, externalize something [2:05] Affirmations | How nodding or words of affirmation can help in communication together [3:29] Clear Intentions | Importance of being clear about what you need in the moment [4:41] QUOTES: “Just because he has a desire to be quiet does not mean that's good for the relationship.” Tom Bilyeu [2:22] “You have to push yourself, if you're like, just innately you want to be quiet, and you want to go internal, but the other person needs that then you've got to really push.” Tom Bilyeu [3:51] “Asking you the question of what I'm looking for, I think is important because if you're not typically a verbal communicator, then I think it's the other person's responsibility for saying, this is what I need from you right now.” Lisa Bilyeu [6:12]
In a healthy loving relationship, neither partner is looking for ways to hurt their partner's feelings. On a long enough time line, however, hurting each other's feelings or accidentally pushing each other's trigger points is bound to happen. It doesn't mean there's any love lost, but it doesn't mean that work needs to be done to diffuse the situation, resolve the issue, and reconnect. Tom and Lisa have come up with a few ways of handling these rare moments for when sh*t hits the fan, tempers flare and feelings are hurt. Their tips will help you stay even-keeled and minimize any relationship damage by sharing tactics for you to put into place long before the next argument happens. The key is not pretending or fooling yourselves into thinking, “that'll never happen”. The key is to be prepared and have these conversations while you're emotionally sober. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Diffusing the Situation | Lisa shares tactics for diffusing an argument before it starts [1:31] Time & Space | Lisa shares why having space to calm down is so impactful and effective [3:16] Changing Neurochemistry | Tom on why doing something else changes neurochemistry [4:26] Pressing Doesn't Work | Tom's on why can't convince someone not to feel upset [5:20] Groundwork Needed | Why establishing “rules” when you're connected is needed [6:42] Biological Experience | Tom on why you can decide to feel differently in arguments [10:22] Dangerous Conversations | How conflicts of values lead to dangerous conversations [13:02] Pattern Interrupt | Lisa demonstrates how easy it is to pattern interrupt your anger [14:19] Shifting Moods | Tom on how to help your partner and yourself into better mood [16:02] Trigger Language | Lisa on why you should know each other's triggers and respect them [18:46] QUOTES: “If you have to guess what the other person's triggers are, it's literally like stabbing in the frickin 'dark. It's like a love language, figure out what your love language is in regards to what are your triggers?” Lisa Bilyeu [2:45] “It is always better to walk away because we just don't hear each other, and many times, we've got into arguments because neither of us walked away.” Lisa Bilyeu [3:43] “When the other person has been triggered, you have to do something that changes their neuro chemistry.” Tom Bilyeu [5:15] “The key for when you're being triggered, or you're triggering the other person is to make sure that you build that foundation in the nice loving moments so that you're not having the friction when it actually happens,” Lisa Bilyeu [10:06] “You can decide to feel differently, and that nature, for whatever weird reason, has given us what I call physiological hooks to change your state.” Tom Bilyeu [10:52] “When you're in an argument, and you both believe that you're right, it's going to be a contentious conversation, and it's what we call a dangerous conversation because it could go awry” Tom Bilyeu [13:02] “When the other person is upset, whatever you do better be designed to change their neuro chemistry. Because if you can't do that the conflict is going to just keep going up” Tom Bilyeu [16:06] “If your goal is high level communication, that's very effective, and you're not getting annoyed, and you guys can both navigate that decision making tree to get to a decision that works for both of you, it isn't useful to be triggered.” Tom Bilyeu [23:31]
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